All language subtitles for The.House.Next.Door.2021.720p.BRRip.XviD.AC3-XVID

So, stick with me here.

I know y'all came to see
a comedy about the blacks,

everyone's favorite family
with the perfect daughter

that somehow survived terror night.

You didn't sign up to see
some Egyptians open an evil box

and a bat flap his ass
across an Indiana Jones map.

Trust me, it'll all make sense later.

Well, since we last met,

dad wrote a bestseller
based on terror night.

But then dad and cronut blew that money
faster than a rapper at a strip club.

We're back in Atlanta.

And dad's writin' the sequel,

and we were just getting used
to being back home

when this very bat flew into our lives.

Seriously, pray for us, y'all.

We're back
oh the ggn news network.

I'm your host with the most,
finding Nemo, aka Nemo hoser.

Today on my show,
I got a very special guest,

the one and only, the author Carl black
in the motherfucking house.

Mr. Black, what's happening?

Snoop! How are you, man?

I'm good, Carl.
How you doin' today, brother?

I'm excited, man.
I got this new book coming out.

It's called terror night. Mm. I wrote it.

It's from my heart. This is my baby.

What makes this book a great read

for the average nigga
sitting at home doing nothing?

You know, most black people
know about terror.

Mr. Black, I'm forced
to tell you the truth.

It is an easy read. Real easy.

What you mean by that?

"There was a black man that..."

That's bullshit, snoop.

Go get my book. It's called terror night.

All right. All right. All right.
That's enough terror night.

All right. All right.
All right. Thank you.

Now we got a real guest
coming up on the show.

Make some noise for the one and only
Matt Barnes.

Snoop, what's going on, man?
Thanks for having me.

Matt!

- Who's that?
- Terror night.

- Ah, this is Carl black.
- This book is j... Carl black, man.

You know me. I wrote terror night.

- You read that book?
- The book is crazy.

You're gonna love it, man. And...

That book was terrible.

One of the worst books I ever read.

You must be havin' a bad day today.
It's a good book, man.

- Nah. It's just a bad book.
- Hey, you should...

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you and that book.

I'm gonna get the fucking fuck.

That nigga's excited.

Okay. Just don't. Here.

Hey.

Hey!

Hey!

What are you doin'?

We're practicing for the migos' tour.
The streets need us.

The streets don't need yo ass.

And stop makin' all that damn noise.

- Frickin' old guys!
- And stop playing!

Again from the top. Ready?

I'm gonna kick your ass.

Give me the phone! Cut if off!

- Dad, come on.
- Cut it off! I'm trying to write.

You messed it up again! I bet...

Go.

- Daddy, get out! Out.
- Hey!

Girl, you better stop throwin' shit.

- Go! Shut up!
- I peed in that bed last night.

You know, I didn't escape the purge

so somebody would be breakin'
in my fuckin' house!

Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Man, come on, bro.

- What's wrong with you?
- Come on, bro.

- Goddamn!
- What's wrong with you?

Goddamn. Why are you so jumpy?

Yeah, 'cause maybe somebody tried to break
in my house and kill me before.

What you doin' creepin' around my house
this late at night?

The lights in the rv went out.
I had to get some flashlights.

- Some flashlights?
- Not just flashlight.

Purge lights! You feel me?

You know about these.
Did I tell you about 'em?

You don't need no battery.
That means you crank it right up.

- Just like this.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, man.

- What? What?
- Hey, hey.

Get rid of that janky shit!
Stop orderin' it.

Y'all run around here ballin'
and spendin' money,

leavin' the lights on, runnin' water,
like there's money growin' on the tree.

I don't have no more money.

'Cause you ain't selling no goddamn books.

If you sell some goddamn books,
we can goddamn sell these bitches.

- And why're you broke? Huh?
- Get your ass out of here.

Hey, man. What the fuck, man?
Stop holding me like a side bitch.

- What's you tripping off of?
- This is the reason right here.

'Cause I can't imagine

why I let you talk me into spending
my money on this shit.

It's all part of the business plan, cuz.

No, no, no. The business plan
is the reason why Lorena is out

busting her ass to wipe my old ass.

Don't nobody want to hear about me
moving back into my old neighborhood

while my cousin livin' in an rv
in the back of my house.

What the fuck is going on over there, man?

Some crackheads.

Next door at the old marsten house.

They must be squattin' or somethin'.

- Go for dispatch...
- Nah. They live there.

I seen 'em move in, but the crazy part is
all the windows are boarded.

They only come out at nighttime.

And when did they move in?

- Yeah. They got in like a week ago.
- What the fuck?

- Snitch, snitch, where you at?
- Yeah. I watched 'em do it.

They moved in, man.

I see everything.

I know you with the neighborhood watch
and everything, but man...

It's getting a little creepy, man.

All right, ladies, in we go.

Your coupe is here.

- Did you hear that?
- Shh...

That's some crazy shit.

Somethin' strange goin' on in that house.

I'm gone.

You will be mine...

Unconditionally.

Baby, I think some new people
just moved in next door.

Oh, baby. Leave those people alone, babe.

Go back to sleep.

This refrigerator's filthy!

- Appreciate shit.
- Ahem.

What are you doing here, cronut?

I had to get some milk for my cereal.

I ran out in the rv.

The door's locked for a reason.

Who messed up that damn toilet?

Hey, what the fuck you doin' in here?

Eating breakfast.
What it look like I'm doin'?

You ain't supposed
to be here in the mornings.

You told me I could
come in on Tuesdays.

I'm about sick of your shit.

It's liquid.

Stay out of the toilet.

You know there's a serial killer
living next door.

God, this boy run
his damn mouth too much.

Hey, Carl, Carl.
Check this shit out, bro.

The death of chante Webster.

Her badly mutilated corpse
was found inside a dumpster

behind Gus's chicken and waffles
on Indian hill road.

They found that body
right around the corner.

This is the sixth incident

in a vicious string
of kidnappings and murders,

all of which were
either African-American or Mexican.

Racially motivated? Perhaps.

This is exactly why we need to move out
of this neighborhood.

- Move? Again?
- Yes, move.

And when we say "move,"

- that means us.
- Are you thinkin" what I'm thinkin'?

Uh, hey... hey.
No thinkin' for you, okay?

What about what we saw last night?

Okay, I don't have time for this, Carl.

I got to go to work. I'm going to be
working a double tonight,

so you're on your own for dinner.

What about what we seen
with the neighbors, bro?

You better do what she say.

Fuck you up.

She payin' the bills around here.

Hey, babe. Don't pay
no attention to cronut.

He's just a dumb-ass.

He's a neglected chihuahua.

Carl, I'm not happy here.

- Listen...
- This was supposed to be temporary, Carl.

We were supposed to be here

- until you got your money going...
- Money.

- You wrote your book.
- It's gonna work.

That developer came
around again the other day.

He can make us a really good offer
on your mom's house.

We can move to a safer place.

I can be happy.
Happy wife, happy what?

- Happy wife.
- Happy life.

The guy's a fuckin' vulture. Okay?

He wants to move in this neighborhood

so he can take it over and turn it
into a fuckin' strip mall.

Do you understand what I'm sayin'? Okay?

It's called... it's called gingivitis.

Gentrification!

Shut up, cronut!

Stupid dumb-ass nigga.

Once we move out of here, who cares
what they do to the neighborhood?

Just promise me that today you're going
to look at this and consider it.

I'm... I'm gonna think about it.

I appreciate it.

Up next,

I survived a hammer to the head
ahd a boot to the face.

Somethin' fucked-up went down
in that house last night.

You think that was a dead body?

Would you stop?

It's already hard enough you got
all this crazy shit in my wife's head.

And no! I did not see a body.

I think my first instinct is like,
there's dead body in there.

But... oh, there's a nice one over there.

No.

Hey, hey, hey! No!

Why you cock-blocking? She need me.
This could be my old lady, man.

- She's already married.
- You know I've been in the penitentiary.

- Let me just live, brother.
- Okay.

You've been to prison two years ago
for 10 days for drinkin' and drivin...

And you're a "gangster drinker."

I'm just gonna go over there and just...
Just rap a tad to her.

- I'm gonna go. What's up, baby?
- Cronut.

He about to shoot
that midget sperm in that girl.

Bunny! Shit.

Baby, I told you, you got to get
a new wheelchair.

- You got new wheelchair money?
- Ugh!

- I'm sorry, bunny.
- It's okay.

I didn't mean to snap at you.

If my penis worked,
I'd make love to you right now.

- I'd hit it from the back.
- I know you would.

Marky Mark style
from boogie nights.

Hey! Stay off my property!

What's up, clive?

Shouldn't you be makin' up some bullshit
or whatever else you do you call work?

You know my husband don't like you guys
comin' over here.

But I like seein' you guys.

What you been up to?

You been rollin' around this neighborhood
or you just been kickin' it around?

- Funny, motherfucker!
- Kickin' it!

What are you doing,
writin' your next bestseller?

Who're you trying to be?
New Alex Haley?

Steve Harvey? You gonna try to make
a book into a movie?

You see think like a man?
Think like a man 2? Sucked!

Pootie tang blew those two out the water.

Okay, yeah, I'm writin' a book.
When is your next marathon, huh?

You gonna help me tend to my garden?

I'll tend the shit out of that garden.

Tend more than the garden.
I will bend you over in there. I mean...

So, I have carrots.

I got a carrot. With a fat head.

What's up with that house right there?

What's up with them people
that live in there?

I know you can't see
with them thick-ass glasses.

- You know what these eyes have seen?
- Yeah, these nuts.

I've been in three wars.

- How you think I got bunny?
- The government.

That little check you get every month,
she's takin' it.

- I saw into her soul.
- Damn.

I see that little man right there with
the 8th-grade body talkin' to my wife.

You don't think I see that?
I saw you catch gonorrhea, baby...

You better watch your fuckin' mouth!

- Watch your mouth, man!
- I wish you would.

I wish you... I've been waiting on this.

Why would you kick me in the leg

- where I can't feel it?
- I know you can't... can't feel it.

Come on. You ain't the first black guy
I got in a fight with.

I can't feel my legs, Carl.
Hit me in the face.

You little bitch.

All day, every day.

Listen, man. Somethin' ain't right
at that house, Carl.

They moved in the middle of night.

There's never any movement during the day.

- Yeah.
- Lazy shits won't answer the door,

had a package dropped off.

Mailman brought it over to me,
sittin' on the front porch right now.

Hey, bunny! Come get
that package from Africa!

Hey, bunny!

Get that package
over there on the back porch.

- I wouldn't. I wouldn't.
- You might get on...

- You feel that, Carl?
- Okay. Let my arm go.

- Let my arm go.
- Let my cousin... aw!

Let it go! That shit hurt.

Dang, you got some upper body strength.

There it is. Look at that... Africa.

Africa. Wrapped in velvet.

I'm gonna take it over there myself.

Cronut... cronut!

Why you give him the fuckin' package?!

It's like we're living across the street
from diff'rent strokes.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Give me the package, man.
- What the shit?

Cronut!

See? You happy?

You got me runnin' around here,
fightin' motherfuckers and shit...

- I can't do this, man.
- Fuck this, I gotta find out.

- Hey, hey, hey...
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, my ass.

Get it. Get it.

What can I do to... I mean,
for you, gentlemen?

Nigga, we saw you transporting
dead bodies last night.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, man.
Shut the fuck up.

We did.

You did not see me
transport any dead bodies.

We standin' in front of a chocolate
vampire-type nigga.

Sir, and this my little cousin, cronut,
he's a little retarded.

- Slow as fuck.
- He needs special attention.

He's on ritalin, prednisone,

- and all kind of shit.
- Everything.

This is Dr. mamuwalde's residence.

Mama... mama who?

Ma-mu-wal-day.

- How you pronounce that?
- Ma-mu-wal-day.

Mamuwal...

Ma-mu-wal-day.

- Ma-mu-wal-day.
- Ma-mwa-wal-di.

- Fix your mouth.
- All right, all right.

- Excuse me.
- Your mama, nigga.

I am monty. I just rent a room here.

And I assure you, you have seen no bodies.

Pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Nigga, we saw you transport them goddamn
dead bodies in the back.

- If you don't shut the fuck...
- Where you from, bro?

- Hey, man, stop! Sir...
- What?

Mr. Black, do you have business here?

No. I don't have no business here.

We just wanted to come through and say hey
and make sure everything was cool.

Why wouldn't it be cool?

- Excuse me?
- Why wouldn't it be?

Because y'all moving in this motherfucking
house at 12:00 at night.

There's people sleeping around here.

You got crackheads back there sunbathing
into fucking midnight.

Bye, bitch!

Hey, come on. Get your ass...

I'm gonna drop a dime
on you motherfuckers.

You happy you done made me waste
a whole day on some bullshit?

- Hey, man. Just fall back.
- Fall back for what?

What you got to say now?

You don't think that shit weird?

How'd he know your last name?

I'm a famous writer, cronut.

This nigga delusional.

My book is in-in-in Barnes and noble's.

Nigga! Ain't nobody
reading your books! Retire!

Look, you're running around here smoking
that weed, you're paranoid,

you're smoking 2k, k2,
or whatever the fuck you doing...

First of all, I'm not smoking k2.
I'm smoking strictly weed.

And second of all, something ain't right
about that house,

because boy was from Africa,
but he had a French accent.

He got a sideburn that curl up,
like the devil.

I'm thinking, man. You? We got to get
to the bottom of it.

We not getting to the bottom of shit.

Well, you write your book.
I'll just be a detective.

A detective for what?

Africa, Carl. Africa.
Are you listening to me?

Southwest don't go to Africa.

You won't help me do shit.

I'm trying to marry this man wife,

I'm trying to tell you about these devil
worshippers over here

and your book suck. How about that?

Shady management.

Leave a message.

Hey, it's Carl black.
Just calling you again,

just lettin' you know
that I'm writing away.

I need that advancement.

The water bill's due,
we need bread, dishwash li...

Do you know who I am?

I am wooky. The one
that survived the purge.

I can help you survive
your problem.

Are you being bullied?
Do you hear noises at night?

Phone me.

Are you sick?
Do you have a headache?

Are you hearing things?
Malaria? Ebola?

Demon spirits?

Call me. Whisper to me.

I will fight your battles for you today.

I am wooky.

Ain't nobody go for that bullshit.

All right, yeah. Shit.

Allie black.

Yes, daddy? Yes?

- What you doing?
- I'm studying.

- You're studying.
- Yes.

Yeah. I thought you was home for fall?

Doesn't mean I still
don't have to study, dad.

You know our family have been going
through a lot of stuff,

and you don't like
to follow the rules all the time,

'cause I've been asked you
a whole bunch of times

to keep these little boys out of my...

- Daddy, I can explain...
- Ah! What the hell is wrong with you?

I know a lot of gang shit. You know...

- I thought he was dead!
- No, bitch.

Dying's for pussies.

I told you to keep these little boys
out of this house.

I sent you to school for a education...

- I had to drop out, okay?
- You dropped out?

We dropped out. A couple goes...

You and him about to be living
off that little cripple check every month.

- Baby, give me my cane. I'm out.
- Okay.

Yeah, this don't make no sense. I don't
know what you going through, Allie.

Daddy, daddy. Just...

- Just leave him alone, okay?
- If you're gonna do somethin',

- do somethin'.
- It's already done.

If you're gonna do
somethin', do somethin'.

Freezee!

- Daddy, why'd you do that?
- I didn't even touch him.

That's all right. You got it, baby?

Come on. Help his arm.
Get his arm right there.

Hey, I don't need your help!
I'm in the Ada.

Baby, you do need help.

- All right.
- You need some help, okay?

Yeah. Lift him up.
One, two, three.

Fuck you! Ain't nobody
need your assistance.

Baby, go start the car, okay?

- All right.
- We'll be out of here in a second.

I'm gonna let you know one thing.
My dick may not work,

but my tongue game's
strong on your girl.

Okay. Baby, go.

Ask him for some gas money, baby.

I will. I'll ask him for some. Okay.

Oh, thank god.

But why don't you get
somebody that can walk?

I ain't helping.

Daddy, listen. Okay, I had to drop out
because your check bounced.

And you would know that if you cared
about anybody in this family

except yourself and that damn book.

He loves me.

He only cares about himself.
He's so selfish.

Allie!

Allie!

Allie!

Ekekek. Ekekek.

Psst! Ekekek.

Carl, come here.

- You gotta see this shit.
- Get over where?

- How do I get over there?
- Hop over, man.

No. No, for real. For real. Come here.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- Calm down. Calm down.

Check that. Shit!

Is that Michael Jackson?

Where's the box from Africa?

- That's so weird.
- Hey, hey, man!

Hey, man, don't do that!

Why are you always
creeping up on people, man?

- Don't do that.
- That's what I do. I creep.

- Look, look.
- Find it.

They just moved into the house
and people are already coming over.

Goddamn. She got a big 'ol ass.

Hello. I'm here for Dr. mamuwalde.

Something ain't right.

I'MMA tell you something.

Leave them goddamn neighbors alone.

- Leave them alone! I'm out of here.
- Look!

I think you made him mad.

He's always mad at me. Don't even trip.

She ain't coming back out of there.
I told you, once you go in there,

you ain't coming out,
especially if you're fine.

All the ugly bitches came right out,
but this coochie?

I'm going in.

I'm neighborhood watch.

Yeah. You go right on in there.

I trust you.

Snitch, snitch, come in.

What can I do for you?

I'm neighborhood watch.
I need to get in this house.

Well then, please, come in,
Mr. neighborhood watch.

You're very welcome here.

- Cronut, what the fuck are you doing?
- Shh!

Why are you looking in their window?

Get out of them people's house.

What you see?

Well, first of all, this house looks
amazing on the inside,

but they're doing
some freaky shit for real.

What? What's he doing?

Cronut! What's going on?

- Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- What? What? What?

- Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- What? What?

Go, go.

- Oh, shit.
- Why we running, man?

- Hey, ¢que Paso?
- Og. Hugo.

There's vampires, man.
There's vampires.

Re-relax. Ain't no...

The vampire feeds on blood.

But what he really wants...

Is to find the things that you love most

and twist you...

And torment you every day of your life.

You're a dark motherfucker.

You've been saying some crazy shit
back here in this backyard.

So what should we do, og?

Find out what he wants.

Find out what he's doing
in our neighborhood.

Think about it.

We ain't never seen
Dr. mamuwalde in the daytime.

- You know why?
- Why?

"And they rise from the grave at night

- to feast on the living."
- Oh, no.

Shut the fuck up for a second.

Just for one second, shut the fuck up.

You know what?
All that coming to... to life

and the dead rising up
and the tales of the crypt

and the Michael Jackson, the monsters,

all that is a bunch of bullshit!

Did you see the little guy in the window?

'Cause you probably think it's prince

or I don't know who
the fuck you think it is.

It's a little pimp in there.

Bitches is getting slapped
over in that house.

Man, I know what I saw, man.
That was a goddamn vampire.

Definitely. I know what I saw.

A pimp live next door to us, okay?

P-I-m-p. Put it in my pocket.

The reason why he sleep all day?
Because pimping is at night!

I'm gone. I'm getting
the fuck out of here.

I'm finna go write my book.

You done lost your motherfucking mind.
You need to go sign up for the circus.

- Oh, man.
- Don't invite him in.

What?

Only way to keep a vampire
out of your house.

Don't invite him in.

I'm gone, man. I ain't...

Yeah, you go, man.
We're gonna get to the bottom of it.

I'm gonna do some research.
We'll figure it out, bro!

- Just trust me!
- Shut the fuck up.

Well, what about...
What about if you live in the rv?

- Is there any rules there?
- Don't invite him in.

I ain't got no more bananas,
'cause this shit is...

They got... bats.

Vampire coming at me.

God, I didn't sign up for this shit.

Fucking nude.

Dispatch to snitch. Over.

Do you know what happens to snitches?

Shit!

These bitches bit snitch's neck!

Mama! Oh, shit!
That was shit. They got me.

Oh, damn. Oh, damn.

You know me as the one
that survived the purge.

Therefore, I could survive anything.

What is going on in your life?

- Late night?
- Oh. Hey.

Yeah. It was the worst last night.

I can explain, though.

Can you tell me
what happened with Allie?

- She called you?
- She's mad because you don't trust her.

No. She had her little boy in my house.
She ain't paying no rent up in here.

You need to be the bigger man
and call her and apologize,

because I'm not dealing
with all of this mess.

And speaking of which, did you call
the real estate agent like I asked you to?

Oh, man.

I'm mentally exhausted from all of this.

I'm having a hard time writing, okay?

Lorena.

Come, Lorena.

Oh, my god.

- Oh, my god.
- What's going on with you?

Oh, my god.

- Do you feel it...
- Oh, my god.

- All over your body?
- Oh, shit.

- How is this happening?
- Oh, my god.

Am I missing out on something?

Oh, yes. Don't stop.

Oh, my. Carl...

Carl, did you hear that?

Hey, you didn't... you didn't came in here.

Shh!

Okay, then. That's what I needed.

Local authorities are
hesitant to label this a serial killer,

- oh, my god.
- But sources close to the investigation

were heard saying, "this is some fucked up
shit right here, my nigga.”

Who's doing all these terrible things
to these women?

- They went on to say the dead...
- Oh, my god.

I'm telling you,
we need to get out of here.

Can you please, please
call that real estate man?

- The paper's right there.
- I'm gonna call. I'm gonna call him.

- Okay. Now.
- Signing off saying...

- Call him, please.
- Hoes got to eat too.

Allie!

This is my 17th message.

Please call me back, okay?
I'm looking for you.

I'm worried about you. Call me back.

Hey.

Listen, I'm not letting you in my house
so you can tell them same ghost stories...

No, you need to see this for real.

Snitch, do you read me?

- Look like a busted bike to me.
- No, look. This rico bike.

- They done kidnapped rico, bro.
- Dispatch to snitch, over.

He don't go nowhere without this bike.

His license suspended.
He got no choice but to ride this bike.

Look, rico is a grown man
who done looked in the mirror

and realized he ain't got no business
being 50 years old on a tricycle.

Or the vampires
could have got him.

Dispatch to snitch, over.

Rico saw something last night.

I think I bet the vampires
snatched his ass up.

Snitch, what is your 411?

That's freezee's car.

In there pimping my daughter!

The sun's setting.

The vampire's about to wake up.

Don't invite him in.

Imbecile!

Damn it, man!
You scared the hell out of me!

Who the hell you callin' an imbecile?

Now listen, you take
your hands off of me! I don't know you!

Whoop.

- Stop playing!
- Got you.

You little bitch.

No, but for real, though, this is crazy.
What is we doing?

I know Allie's in this house.

Allie!

These maniacs done kidnapped rico
and you just banging on the door?

I've been calling Allie all day
and she ain't answer the phone. Relax.

Allie!

- What the fuck?
- Can I help you, gentlemen?

My daughter's in there, man.

Come on, man. Give me
my daughter back, man. This is crazy.

You got the fuckin'
Halloween shit going on?

That's my daughter!

I'm sure I don't know
what you mean, neighbor.

The car is in the back.

I've been looking for my daughter all day.

Your pimping gonna stop.
God don't like ugly, man.

Mr. Black, your daughter
is not in this house.

Ah!

Can I come in the house?

The doctor will not be here until later.

I wonder why? You got all them dead bodies
in there you don't want us to see?

But, if you'd like to come in, Mr. Black,

you will find out in fact
that your daughter is not in this house.

- We can come in and search the whole...
- Mr. Black, please.

You want... that's what you want us to do?

Please.

Be my guest.

- You want some real niggas...
- Enjoy yourselves, please.

- Come in your house?
- Go.

Hey, stop.

Allie!

Allie!

What?

- Carl, look at this shit.
- What?

That shit look crazy, man.

What the fuck is that dog thing
right there?

- Mr. Black!
- Hey! Shit!

Damn, bro! What the fuck is going on?

- What's wrong with you, bro?
- Don't touch these dolls.

What is wrong with you?

These are very, very expensive
west African voodoo totems.

- The doctor is a collector.
- Allie!

Allie!

Allie! Whoa!

- Is my daddy in here?
- Please come in, Allie.

Carl.

- What?
- Guess who come in.

Dad! What are you doing here?

Allie, what are you doing?
Where your ass been at?

What the hell's going on?

Why are you in these nice people's house?

These people ain't nice.
This is a pimp's house.

- This is a nice house.
- Oh, my god.

Man, this is crazy!
Look, he's been putting

all kind of crazy stories
in my head about you.

The car's in the back...

See, I knew you were going to be tripping
when you found out.

God. Found out what?

I just gotta tell you.
I'm just going to say it.

- I'm movin' out.
- Movin' out where?

Me and freezee are going to get married
and we're going to make a life together.

I will take my belt off
and tear your ass up.

Daddy, I can make my own choices.
It's called feminism.

Oh, I know all
about liberating some women.

- You hear that?
- Yeah.

I et me introduce Dr. mamuwalde!

Dr. mamuwalde.

Dr. mamuwalde.

Dr. mamuwalde.

Dr. mamuwalde.

Dr. mamuwalde.

So beautiful.

Dr. mamuwalde.

Dr. mamuwalde.

Dr. mamuwalde.

Is that a black bite-sized Hugh Hefner?

Dr. mamuwalde.

Dr. mamuwalde.

All right, man.

Monty, I told you, three times.

Yeah, nigga, damn.

Every day is a struggle,
but every night is a feast, you feel me?

Carl black! Show me some love.

I can give you some from right here.

I can't come over and give up no...

- No love shit, dog.
- Mm-mm.

Welcome to my humble abode, Carl black.

How the fuck do you know my name?

That's what's crazy.
You been on my ig page?

Oh, I've had my third eye on you.

I mean, if it was about that shit
the other night,

all right, look, I ain't got...

The doctor is a fan of your book...

- Ooh.
- Mr. Black.

Shit. Mm.

And doodoo is a fan of your mouth.

- Dad.
- You know my book?

- Wow.
- Mm.

I told you, you got to get back in there.

You know he's in,
uh, a tough spot right now.

- He's in a artistic bind.
- Yeah. I'm trying to write a new book.

Yeah. You see, the first one was good.

- Yeah. The second one.
- Now, I'm trying to do...

- I'm trying to do the second one.
- Gotta be off the chain.

It's a fine piece of literature.
The shit was a modern-day classic.

Dr. mamuwalde.

What type of medicine you practice, bro?

I practice the type of medicine
for those with a particular affliction.

Take two of these

and call me in the morning.

Oh, this.

Bless his name.

I knew you was a pimp.

- Ha. Such harsh language, Mr. Black.
- Yeah.

I am a purveyor and provocateur

of fine ass bitches
and high-priced pleasure.

I know what I'm looking at when I see it.

Hold on. Wait a minute,
little George Jefferson.

We ain't doing no provocative nothin'
around here. This is my daughter.

Ain't nothin' going up
in there but a tampon.

I may be a pimp, but I am no monster.

Matter of fact, to prove my point,

allow me. A mind
is a terrible thing to waste.

This is for your education.

Really?

- No.
- Ooh. Daddy!

No! We ain't raisin' no thotss around here!

- We ain't doing no thotin'!
- But we need the money!

You... but we ain't getting
the money that kind of way.

We sellin' books around here, not pussy!

The black man has yet again
said no to education.

Fuck you!

- Come on. Get your ass out of here.
- Daddy!

- Why are you always yelling at people?
- Fuck you, Mr. mamuwalde.

Thank you, nice man!

Well, let me just say I'm having
a soirée tomorrow night

and I would be honored
if you would join me.

I'm expensive!

Tomorrow night is the soirée.

Oh, oh.

- Save them for me.
- We expect to be seeing you.

You always do this, daddy.

Why wouldn't you let
that pretty man help me?

Dolomite was trying
to get in your panties.

- We don't need his money.
- No.

We don't need the money.
I need the money, dad.

I just want to get my education,
so I don't end up like you.

- Like me?
- Yes, daddy.

- Just write the book or get a job.
- Get a job, broke nigga!

I got some money on your hair, freezee.
I'm about to unthaw yo ass.

- I'm leaving.
- Allie.

And me and freezee are gonna live
happily ever after together.

- Allie black.
- That is what we're doing.

- Freezee. Let's go!
- Allie black.

- Allie! Allie!
- I think she just called you a dumb-ass.

Stop yelling in the neighborhood!

- Allie.
- We're going.

- Baby, tuck my legs in.
- I got you.

- Baby.
- Look at that.

Always falling like this.

Carl!

Why is she leaving like that, baby?
We just talked about this.

- Baby, I...
- Well-well, the neighbor next door

tried to give some goddamn
vampire pimp money

to Allie for school
and goddamn hatin' ass Carl,

he gon' take the money and throw it back
in the goddamn vampire face

and goddamn Allie, goddamn...

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
calm down, little infant!

Vampire? Vampire pimp?

That's what you guys
are out here talking about right now?

- No. It ain't even like that.
- We just had this conversation.

- Hey.
- I'm tired of all this craziness.

Did you call the real estate agent
like I asked you to?

Called the real estate agent.
[... I left a message for him.

Look, Carl, I'll call him, just like I do
everything else around here, okay?

Oh-oh.

But you know what, we need to talk tonight
when I get home from work.

Oh-oh.

- Babe, don't do that.
- I gotta go to work.

- She's gonna cheat on you.
- Shut up, cronut.

It's me, baby.

- Yeah.
- Babe.

Yeah, she gonna cheat on you.

I'm gonna cheat on you.

Carl. Carl.

Carl!

- Carl!
- What?

Gotta listen to me.
You gotta hear me out for real.

I know you're going through a lot.

I know your old lady trippin',
I know your daughter trippin',

I know you have a writer's block,
but please, bro, just listen to me.

Go home. All right? It's over.

I'm movin' the fuck out of this house.

This our house!
We can't let him move us out.

- I don't wannna hear that shit.
- I gotta tell you this for real.

Guess what I found while you was talking
to the pimp vampire?

These rico glasses, man.
They probably got him.

They done... they done drunk all his blood
and everything, man.

Stop! That motherfucker
just tried to play me.

He's going to jail.

Three hots and a cot, he's going to jail.

So, what you gonna do about it?

The little motherfucker's going to jail
for pimping and pandering around here.

What you mean, what I'm gonna do?

Police ain't never arrestin'
no goddamn vampire.

That's shit, okay?

Did you see he floated down the stairs?

You didn't see him float?

971, what's your emergency?

Yes, I have a problem here.

Um, I'm a new neighbor
that just moved in the neighborhood.

As you can tell, I'm Caucasian.

And there's a real peculiar guy.

- Is he black? Okay.
- Yes, he's black.

- We'll send over five units right away.
- Okay, you'll be here in a second?

- Right away.
- Thank you.

That's how you do that.

He's going to jail.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
fall back, fall back.

- What's going on?
- I'm the lead cop on this.

Laced, you're a rookie.

Listen, I'm just tryin' to have some fun.

I said fall back, man.

Listen, I got my gun.
I'm going to this house to have some fun.

Do my thing.

All right. Go ahead. Handle this.

What kind of spooky shit is this?

First time bein' a cop.
This is gonna be a breeze.

That like a old couple relationship.

Come on out of there

- before I put a hot one in your ass!
- Hold on.

There'll be no gun violence.
Put your gun down. This is my first day.

Shut up and stop being a little bitch.

Two of them in up there, weird as hell.

Lock his ass up. He got rico.

- Police.
- Good heavens! What is all the fuss?

Oh, a father and son team, splendid.

What may I do for you, dark-skinned hutch?

Listen, big fella. Dude down there
saying y'all been involved

in the kidnappin'
of the neighborhood watch captain?

Rico.

- So y'all kidnap him?
- Yeah.

And I heard you got hoes all up in
through there. Y'all freaky-freaky, huh?

Not at all, sir.

- This is the residence of Dr. mamuwalde.
- Mama-who?

Can't a man pimp in peace?

The name is Dr. mamuwalde.

- Shit.
- He trippin'-trippin'.

I hope they get his ass, man.

Listen, big fella,
do you mind if I have a look inside,

see what's going on, see what I can steal?

I mean, just see what's going on
in the house.

Absolutely. My house
is your house, officer.

Feel free to look around
as soon as you present your warrant.

He trippin'.

- Warrant?
- Yes, warrant.

What the fuck? You 'posed to be
an expert on the law now?

I'm gonna show you what we do
with experts down here, hm?

Hold on, what you doing?

No! Put the taser off!
Put the taser off!

- You trippin'-trippin'.
- Uh-huh, bust him. Bust him.

- Put your taser off.
- Don't eyeball me, boy.

Don't play with me.

We just want to know if you know
about the whereabouts of this rico guy.

Where is rico?

You're the one supposed to be looking
for whoever you're looking for, sir.

I don't know who rico is
and you can't make me.

He's lying, man.

How y'all gonna believe somebody dressed
like Dr. Seuss is what I'm sayin'?

What do you do, sir? For a living?

Well, for a living,
I take fantasy and dreams

and I make them into reality.

Let me tell you something, creepy
motherfucker. You got two options.

Option a, we look around
inside this spooky motherfucker,

or option b, we're gonna arrest your ass,
take you down to the precinct,

ask you a bunch of goddamn questions.

He's going to jail. That's
what I'm talking about.

I'll take...
I haven't even chosen my options.

Oh, we're gonna do it.
We're gonna take him now.

Option a, I don't. Option b...

We're gonna take you downtown, midnite.

Wait a minute.

How can you call me "midnight"
as dark as you are...

- What? What did you say?
- With all due respect, officer?

Well, if I'm midnite,
aren't you two nights?

There ain't shit you're gonna do about it.
Come on with your little...

- Stop resisting.
- They're taking him to jail.

That's what I'm talking about.
Do your job.

This is definitely black on black crime.

Hey, I got it.
Take his black ass down.

Officer!

I believe there's been a misunderstanding.

Do you mean this rico?

Rico, what the fuck you doing in there?

I'm fine. I was just in the basement...

They didn't fondle with you
down there, did they?

They did me fine.

- They served me fresh bananas.
- From Honduras.

Bananas in the basement?

They done brainwashed his crazy ass.

They did more than brainwashing.

Somethin' ain't right with him.

Come to me, Lorena.

Come to me, Lorena.

I've been searching for you.

Are you feeling my breath
upon your corpuscle?

What kind of cop shit is this?
Y'all let him go?

Mr. Black, you call us down here again
and waste our damn time,

I'm gonna take your ashy ass to jail.

We cop cops. This ain't no damn joke!

Man, if you don't get
your retarded ass...

You better watch your mouth before I stick
these goddamn handcuffs up your ass.

Don't eyeball me, boy.

Let's go.

Carl, why are you here with the police?
What did the neighbor do to you?

This is what happens when you keep
messing with the neighbors.

Why are you blamin' him for everything?
Because clearly, I see you out here too.

For real, this is your plan.
Don't try to put this on me.

- We're movin' out.
- What do you mean? Wait!

- Without you.
- How you gonna move out without me?

- We family.
- No. We not family.

You're just my cousin
that fucks up everything.

- That's family.
- You know what?

I'm tired of you always blamin' him.

Look right here. This is what it's about,
me and you. You're messing up.

- Babe. I can explain.
- You should be ashamed of yourself.

The motherfucker was trying
to disrespect me in front of my daughter.

I'm tired of you embarrassing our family.

You owe that man an apology.

Babe...

I don't know if this is it for us.

I used to think it was the house,
the neighborhood, your book.

But it's not. It's you.

It's you and I that don't work.

I got to go back to work.
So you figure that out.

I'll apologize. I'll go apologize.

I don't have a problem apologizing to him.

Attack and bring me my wife.

Right this way, Mr. Black.

The good doctor'll be here
to deal with you shortly.

Hey, man. Did you just change your accent?

Where'd he go? What the fuck
was he saying?

Wow.

It's nice, though.

- Carl black.
- Hey!

What the fuck! Jesus, Buddha, Allah!

Is every place in here creepy?

I thought I smelled failure in here.

And I thought I smelled
Celine Dion's wig also in here.

You're a funny motherfucker, Carl.

And I don't just mean
that dumb expression on your face.

Yeah? Well, look, let me be
straight up with you, all right?

- Thank you.
- I don't like you.

First time I seen you,

- just didn't like you.
- Okay.

My wife sent me over here to apologize
to you and that's what I want to do.

I want to apologize,
but I just want to let you know,

I don't give a fuck.

We getting the fuck out
of this neighborhood.

Well, that's very interesting,
green lantern,

but you can't leave just yet.

Oh, yes, I can! Shit!

My lease is up next month.

What's this?

There's something I want from you
and you're not leaving until I get it.

Man, I hope it's my nuts for these girls.

No!

My book. You like my book?

I told you I was a fan of your book.

- That is crazy.
- It was magnificent.

You like my book.

I like you and your family, Carl.

And not everybody in my family
agreed with you moving in next door to us.

Your wife.

My wife? Lorena?

I orena.

Oh, no. She ain't...
She ain't into no pimping shit.

She ain't into no pimping shit
and I ain't either, okay?

Tried it, didn't like it.

And my daughter? That's off limits.

You're too grown to be messing
with anybody's daughter.

Ain't no man gonna let you
mess with they daughter.

She's still a little girl.
She's still doing juicy juices.

She's not a grown lady.
She don't know what yak is,

nor does she know what grey goose is.

I had no idea how old she was.
She was my size.

Keep your little one,
two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine,
ten, eleven, twelve fingers

away from my daughter, blah-blah.

Big mistake.

Don't fuck with my daughter.

And cronut, he's a character.

Oh, cronut? You can have him.

Ugh. No one wants cronut.

You can fuck him if you want.

He's crazy.

He's the one that think Michael Jackson
and biggie and Tupac is still living,

and-and thinks o.J. Didn't do it.

He's got a whole lot of shit in his head.

And he gave me
some crazy theories about you too.

I'MMA go ahead and sign this autograph
"fore I can get on out of here.

And what was his theory about me?

We still don't know why you moved
in the neighborhood...

Jj

What the fuck! What's wrong with you?

Egad, Carl black.

Do I detect hostility in your voice?
I thought we were cool now.

No, we're not cool!
And you do detect hostility in my voice.

You got a picture of my wife naked
on your fucking wall!

I ain't even got a picture of this bitch.

- Did you Photoshop the picture?
- No.

No, that's her.

I bet I know what cronut thinks about me.

You know what?

He was right.

What are you doing?

Be quiet. I know what I'm doing.

Would you... dad, come on.

Son, I got something
I need to talk to you about.

All right.

We got a vampire living next door!
I've seen him!

- Hey, that's cool!
- I think I've seen that dude.

What's so... what the fuck is wrong...
What's cool about that?

Dad, dad, just relax. Just call the cops.

I can't call the cops.

Okay, everybody knows the vampire rules.

Like, a vampire cannot come in your house
unless you invite him in.

Did you invite him in?

- No. I didn't invite him in.
- All right.

All right, then you're good. That's good.

- I'm cool. Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on now. Everybody knows that.

It's in literally
every vampire comic book.

Every one.

Oh, man. You got some weed?

Dad, what? Just leave. Just leave.

I know who got it.

No, he doesn't. He's kidding.
Bro, shut up.

- A dime bag? Twenty?
- No, no. Leave. Leave. He's kidding.

He's kidding. He's kidding.
Go take a nap.

- But I do.
- Just be quiet. Just stop.

I'm gonna watch you all night,
motherfucker.

Don't invite him in.

Oh, shit.

Give me your money.

Please don't hurt me.

Please don't hurt...

Hi, Carl.

No.

No. I'm being serious.

I'm telling you, it's been
an interesting week and I apologize.

I feel the timing of it all
is pretty, um, special,

that you would... I don't know where you
came from, but I appreciate it.

And I think it's important
that we met tonight

because I wanted to really
apologize for the other night.

I know my husband was in there tonight.

Is everything okay? Mamuwalde, right?

I have to, um, really get this out,

because I feel like I'm having a little
bit of an out-of-body experience,

because I typically don't invite
complete strangers into my house

to have a glass of wine. In this case...

Don't invite him in.

- Hey.
- Thank you. I appreciate that.

What you doing?

Baby, hi. Hi. Were you sleeping?

What is he doing here?
He's not supposed to be here.

Where are your manners, baby?
This is Dr. mamuwalde.

- Our neighbor from earlier...
- I know what you doing!

Yes, where are your manners, baby?

He's not supposed to be in this house.

I invited him to have
a glass of wine with me

because if anything,
we owe him a thank you.

- I don't wanna hear all that.
- If it wasn't for our neighbor,

- I would have gotten mugged tonight.
- You got mugged?

He swooped... where did you come from?
Where? How did you get there?

- Swooped.
- What happened?

Fortunately for you, I happened to be
in the area looking for a late-night snack

and happened to stumble
upon your tastiness.

He's not supposed to be in our home.
He was not invited by no one.

Under ordinary circumstances,
Carl black here would be right,

- but I was invited, Carl.
- You know the rules.

- His kind is not invited in our house.
- Listen...

- My kind?
- Yeah.

That is a racist statement, negro.

I'll have you know,

in this age of divisiveness and bigotry,

we can't do this to each other.

Sheesh!

Yes. Baby, listen, please just calm down.

We got a real live vampire in my house
and you're telling me to calm down?

If I had a wife as fine as yours,
I'd never let her out of my sight.

Hey, man! What-what-what
you doing? You can't do that, man.

What the fuck! What if I grab
your hair, man?

Do not...

Touch my hair, Carl black.

You got two Bo Derek braids
hanging on both sides of your face

and you gon' touch on my girl's shit.

Baby, just calm down, okay?

Okay, that's enough. That's enough.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- What are you doing, Carl?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

- Ouch!
- You know I'm clumsy a little bit.

That looks exquisitely painful.

Ah-ah-ah. Go in there
and rinse your arm off.

- 1 got it, Carl. I got it.
- Yeah, you cut your hand

'cause you're standing up there
reckless eyeballing.

I got it. Dr. mamuwalde,
it was really, really nice to meet you.

- Well, go wash your hand, baby.
- Yeah, I'm...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Put a band-aid on it.

O-positive we'll see each other again.

Listen, you little neglected Harry Potter
cast member, let me tell you something.

That's my Princess, and that's my wife,
and I love her.

You're not going to destroy my family!

What do you intend
to do about it, Carl black?

Install my cable, motherfucker?

Nah.

I'm gonna pimp-slap
the shit out of your ass, motherfucker!

Damn, you're strong!

Let me tell you a little story.

I've been looking
for Lorena for centuries.

I first laid eyes on that fine
young thing in the Caribbean.

Lost her, found her again.

I've seen all types of women
in all shapes and sizes,

but none compare
to the governor's daughter.

We were in love
and I was finally going to make her mine.

You were warned, vampire.

Tonight's the night
that I send your soul to hell!

Demon!

Come, woman.

No. No. No!

They took
the love of my life from me

and I have been looking
for my puerto rican Princess ever since.

Go to hell, vampire.

They took my life.

Man, that was a cool story!

But the real fact is, is that's my wife,
and I love her.

And you're not gonna destroy my family.

You're doing a pretty good job
of that yourself.

What the fuck?

She will be mine.

No, no!

Mine...

Carl black!

The authorities are still in shambles

as they scurry about for clues

- in the murders of these prostitutes.
- Wow.

If anyone out there has any information
or any leads...

- Damn.
- Feel free

to dm me personally at Jack...

Hey, babe. Hey, hey.

- How's your arm?
- It's better. It's feeling good.

- I gotta go to work. What?
- No!

- Why you gotta go to work?
- Because you put me in this situation.

I got to go to work to pay the bills.

Let me pay you for the night.

You can't afford me for the night.

- Listen, I love you.
- I know.

Il just want to get you guys
out of this neighborhood.

Okay. Wait, wait, call me crazy.

I-I'm just throwing this out there.

I'm having second thoughts
about selling the house.

- What?
- I don't know,

ever since I met the neighbor last night,
the way that he was helping me

- or the way that he...
- Hey, hey.

No, but maybe it's not

- such a bad neighborhood, babe.
- No, no, no, no, no. No!

- Wait, wait. He's a nice guy.
- Baby, listen. No! That... no.

He's not no fucking nice...
What did I tell you about liking people?

- Liking?
- You always liking somebody.

- No! Hey!
- He saved me.

Relax. Let's put this to rest
until I come home from work tonight, okay?

And we can talk about it then.

- I got something I want to tell you.
- What?

The next-door neighbor...

- Yeah?
- He's a vampire.

A vampire.

- He's a fucking vampire.
- Okay.

A vampire. You're crazy.

You're just jealous.

Cronut, let me in.
There's a vampire living next door.

Cronut?

Eww.

What's wrong with you? Die, vampire!

- Die, vampire! Die!
- Let me go. Let me go. Let me go!

Get up off of me, man.

Fuck you doing in my house all uninvited?

- I didn't invite you in here.
- Why you sneaking up on me like that?

Why am I sneaking up on you?
This is my house!

Fuck you doing up in my house?
I thought you won't fuck with me no more.

Whoa.

Why you got them damn glasses on?

Why you care? You don't like "em?
They don't go with my fit?

- No.
- What... what you want?

Shit. I, well, I just...

Hey, man, look.

All right. You was right.

We do have a creature
living next door to us.

It's a real vampire, man.

I seen his teeth!

I thought you was lying at first,
but he's real.

And he already got Allie,
and I don't want him to get my wife!

And?

And that's about the closest
to an apology you gon' get.

I've been doing my research
and what I came up with?

That house right over there?

It's a master vampire over there,
and that's the nest.

And we should kill him.

- What?
- We should kill him.

We, we. That's French. We?

Yes, it is we. Ain't no I in us.

It's we. Me and you. We family.

Yeah. Whatever.

We should kill that motherfucker.

Let's bury him in the ground, man.

Just leave his head out
and just kick him in the head all day.

Check this out. What's my name?

- Cronut.
- No, what's my real name?

- Man, look, man. Stop playing.
- Mr. what?

- Mister?
- Mr. right.

Mr. right. You want to get rid
of the vampire?

- Yeah.
- Trust me. I made a call.

- Who is that? Is that Barack Obama?
- Trust me.

Not quite, but close.

Oooh.

Oh. Did you see that African Booty
scratcher come out of there?

- Yes.
- No!

- Yes.
- Why'd you call him?

- Just trust me.
- Oh, man.

- Have I ever let you down?
- Yeah, a million times.

Don't worry about that.
That don't count.

- Oh, man. Look how he dressed.
- It looks crazy.

- Don't worry about it.
- Whoopi goldberg.

- You smell a vampire?
- Not vet, wait.

Right now, I smell fear.

- Fear?
- And I smell broke-ass-ness

coming from this direction.

- Broke-ass-ness?
- No, you smell your bottom lip.

Last but not least, I smell...

Two bitch-ass niggas.

That's why you called me
to save you like I did the purge.

Saved me? You ain't
saved me from nothin'!

You better take your black ass off.

- Punk bitch nigga, you owe me money!
- I don't owe you nothin'.

You little dick bitch.
You pee on your boss.

- Fuck you too.
- I hope your wife get pregnant again

and I hope the baby is not yours.

You kiss my ass!

Your mother, your grandfather,
your uncles are all the same nigga.

I know you work for that cab company.

You need to get back in there
and drive that cab, so...

- Carl black, you owe me money!
- Hey, hey, hey.

Calm down, calm down.
I got it. I got it, calm down.

- This nigga is pissing me off.
- If you calm down a little

- for a second. Look...
- Don't you hit my head.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look, I promised him I'd show him
some crazy spooky shit

if I recorded it and put it
on his live TV show.

- On YouTube?
- Yeah.

- You ain't got no followers.
- He's popular.

Five hundred thousand subscribers.

I got a live vampire livin' next door
to me. That's what I got.

Nigga, that's why I'm here.

- That's why I brought these!
- Hey, hey!

Put your leftovers down, man.

You must listen to me
because I am a vampire slayer.

The vampires are very dangerous.

They will kill you.

He will suck your blood.
He could be after your wife.

You have a wife. I know that.
I've seen her.

She have a nice ass. No disrespect.

Tell me about these niggas, please.
What did he look like?

He's bite-size, he's real short.

How short is he?

He's short. He's... he's, you know, he's...

Between you and this nigga,
where is he?

Like this way? This way?
That way? Under the table?

- Pocket size.
- Pocket size nigga?

He got like a little perm.

He looked like that little man
on the dime.

- What dime?
- The dime.

- The dime, motherfucker. The dime.
- Dime. Ten cents.

Ten cents a day, like what you eat.

Shut the fuck up,
little bitch nigga. Fuck you.

If I had a choice between the vampires,

the devil and Donald Trump,

I would take Donald Trump.

The question is now he's trying
to take your family away,

- what are you are gonna do?
- Hey, hey, hey!

We're not the vampire.
You don't have to keep putting that on us.

Don't be a bitch!
If I want to talk to a little nigga,

I go to Chuck E. Cheese.

Either you gon' help me, or you gon'
help me, somebody gonna help me

or I'm going up
in there with a wooden thing

- and I'm gonna stab him in the...
- Mm.

I'm telling you! You know how...
I'm going up in there and...

Hey!

- You guys are crazier'n shit!
- Who the fuck is that?

Carl black, I'm all you have.

You must save your wife

before it's too late.

Fellas, listen to me.

The vampire is very tricky and old.

It has survived many centuries
because he's smart.

Much smarter than your stupid
ignorant ass, Carl black.

That insidious bastard
is a master vampire.

A master vampire?

He's not to be played with.
That means he has companions.

- Companions?
- We have a lot more to deal with.

You have to get to know your enemy.

I thought I knew him.

And how about his crew?
Do you know them?

His crew? What? The Butler?

Butler?! That's not a Butler!
That's his ghoul!

What is a ghoul?

This is not the time
to be a bitch, Carl black.

A ghoul is very dangerous.

What about those fine-ass girls
he had in there?

- Yeah. They was fine.
- Cronut!

- I liked them.
- Those are not average fine-ass girls.

Those are his bodyguards.
They are murderous.

What?

The more beautiful they are,
the more dangerous.

This is getting more serious
than I imagined.

What's this shit? It was addressed to him.

He got a little chain on.
He got your same facial structure...

Don't be a dick face. Give me that.

It is nothing.
Just some stupid fucking doll.

- Put it away.
- Are you sure?

How we going to kill this motherfucker?

- Dad. Dad. I got an idea.
- What?

I turned the purge bats into stakes.

If you stab a vampire with it, it'll die.

Shut up! This is why I'm here.

We have to kill the vampire!

Why you wipe my kisses off like that?

Baby, because you put
too much lip gloss on.

- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do, and then my shit

- be all glittery for the rest of the day.
- Shut up. I do it for you

- when I'm around you. Whatever.
- Use chapstick.

- You cute. You fine and all, baby.
- Whatever.

Give me 3a little bit of head now.

- What?
- I'm just saying,

like, I wanna get a little bit of head...

We're in front of my parents' house.
Are you serious?

Baby, they're sleeping a little bit.

- Babe.
- Come on, baby.

- Just a little bit of head.
- Stop playing all the time.

- Baby, my-my legs. I'm-I'm paralyzed.
- Stop.

That's the least you could do,
community service.

Let me get a little bit of community head.

Shut up. We need to talk.

Talk about what? Baby, look, talk
with my dick in your mouth a little bit.

- I don't mean to be disrespectful.
- Wait, wait. Listen.

Listen to what?

- Baby.
- Did you hear that?

The only thing you need to listen to is...

Listen!

The fuck was that?

Shit! Oh, shit!

- What is that?
- Ooh.

Oh, my god.

Freezee! Freezeel

that was Allie.

Time to get the fuck out.

- What just happened?
- I don't know. I just heard screams, man.

He made the first move.
He has taken your daughter.

It's all fucked up, man.

I didn't know they had Allie, too.
I like Allie! But there's more.

- Well, tell us more.
- Yeah, you better say something

- before we take your banana bag, nigga.
- Come on now.

The vampires, man, they got me.

See that house next door?

They havin' a big-ass
vampire party up there, man.

Dracula kind of blushin'.

They said when it's over,
they gonna kill everybody.

- Oh, god.
- Shit.

Things all fucked up around here, man.

Not me. They ain't gonna get me.

They ain't gonna get me!

Come back here!

Fuck that! I'm a real snitch!

Those vampires, they done bit me.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, you saw how he took off?

This is exactly what the monster wants.

He wants you to attack him at night,
when he's strongest.

Don't fall for it.

What am I supposed to do?
I got a wife and a daughter over there.

Just wait till the daytime,
when he's weak.

- And then we kill him.
- No, no, no, no.

If you wait till the morning,
Lorena and Allie will be vampires.

- Oh.
- Junior, I love you to death.

They already got your sister in there.
They're trying to get your mama.

This is a good neighborhood and I'm here
to protect it, because I'm Carl black.

And I'm cronut. We ride together,
we die together.

Go lock up the house!

We need the right weapons
to kill this vampire.

- I made a phone call.
- Who you call?

- Mr. Saturday night.
- What?

He knows everything
about killing vampires.

Saturday night?

I met him last Friday at fat Tuesday's.

Let's go. It's war.

Friends, let me do all the talking.

I've seen this guy kill lots of people.

Don't do no bitch shit now.

Let's go.

He's the only one to kill vampires.

He'll give us all the weapons.

Just stay calm.

I believe in god, first and foremost.

So we have vampires.

- I'm scared.
- What you scared of?

He looks like the undertaker.

I may not have what you want,
but I got just what you need.

Holy shit.

- You ain't playin'.
- No, he's not.

- Damn!
- You're gonna like this.

Whoa.

- Oh, that's cool. I like that.
- That's alkaline water.

Alkaline? It's holy water!

Joel osteen holy water.

It kind got a pineapple taste to it.

Since we have vampires,
I got us some uv sunlight.

Hey, hey, hey.

You're black, motherfucker.
It don't work as well.

Nigga, I can't see now.

They say short motherfuckers
love to get freaky,

so I brought this just for you.

My boy. You know me, don't you?

- Not really.
- Is this real leather?

- Not really.
- I'm wearing this.

Look at that. Look, look, look, look.

When y'all really ready to take out
some motherfuckers...

Ooh.

- This what I pull out.
- Shit.

- God is great.
- All the time.

If it ain't not Jesus.

You got it cold. You put that on.

- Me?
- You put that on.

God gon' protect you.

There's something I want to show you.

That look like Leslie Jones' dildo.

Oh.

- Nigga...
- Hey, wait, wait, man.

- I think he just stabbed me, he just...
- Stop it.

I felt it in my... in my body.

No, you're cool. Don't be bitches.

You look like you know
what's goin' on.

I know exactly what's goin' on.

Nigga, you're illuminati. I see you.

Enough of that.

- Thank you, Mr. Friday the 13th.
- It's Saturday.

Nigga, this nigga
Friday the 13th.

This nigga's... nigga!
All right, cool, cool.

You keep doing your thing.

That nigga's on some Harry Potter shit.

It's cool, really. I know the nigga.

This motherfucker lit!

They know how to party here.

We gotta find Allie.

Damn, man, I'm staying right here.
I think I feel good right here.

Cronut! Go that way.

With three people
dragging someone.

- Neighborhood, somebody.
- Harrison.

- This is Harrison.
- Do you guys need a backup unit?

No, I'm good, captain. I mean,

this shit making me
a little nervous for real, man.

I mean, we back down
to this spooky-ass house.

We just left here a couple of days ago.

Listen, I don't want to be no cop.

I just thought pieces of shit
dropped-dropped big time.

Man. My man is shitting on himself.

This shit is spooky out here, captain.

I mean, shit, there's all kinds
of noises out here

and fucking some...
Some wind and shit. Can y'all...

I don't got the heart for this.

Harrison, is everything okay?

What's wrong?
You're supposed to be...

You're supposed to be hard.
You're acting scared.

- What's wrong? Harry, what's wrong?
- Harrison.

I thought you had all the tricks
and now you're acting like a bitch.

Harrison.

A bite of crime 'bout to bite you, nigga.

Jj

I'm not a vampire.
My name's Allie, Allie black.

I live next door.

If you could just get me
out of this, it would...

Okay. Look, my... my...

Can you ask Dr. mama-tunday-wanday
to come here?

Damn.

What the fuck was that?

Shut up.

Don't talk.

What the fuck is your problem? Shut up.

Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Hey.

- What?
- That was a silver metal nigga.

Oh, god. A silver metal nigga?

Silver metal. Not a regular nigga.

Metal nigga?

There are more of them niggas
around. Trust me.

- Oh, shit.
- Whoo-whoo.

Oh, god.

Please don't hurt me.

Please, Mr. knight
in big, black armor.

- Oooh.
- Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

- Shh.
- Mmm.

- It's cronut, baby!
- What?!

- I got you, didn't I?
- Cronut... cronut...

- You didn't even know it was me, did you?
- Cronut! Get me out of here.

- You gotta untie me out, please.
- Yeah. You're as fine as a motherfucker.

- When did you grow up?
- Cronut, shut... shut the fuck up!

If you like it, we second cousins,
we ain't no kin, so we can...

Are you serious right now?
Shut the fuck up. I'm gonna tell daddy.

Oh, shit, man.

Now I know why the vampire wanted her.

Oh, hell no! That's my baby.

Baby, please wake up.
Wake up, baby. Oh...

God.

- Get your damn hands off!
- Jesus, fuck!

Don't touch my lady!

He's in there, trying to kill us.

What the fuck is you in this shit
for in the first place?

I was trying to escape.
I was going with freezee.

That's what getting
hot in the ass get you.

Hurry up and get me the fuck out of here.

All right. Let's go.

- What? Oh, oh!
- My feet.

I was going with freezee
and I don't even know where he is.

Yeah, there it is, right...

- Stop looking at me.
- Shut the fuck... shh.

Please come back to life.

Please, baby, I want
some of that pussy again.

I mean, I love you again.
I swear I love you.

Carl? Carl?

Jesus Christ, what happened?

I had the worst dream.

What did he do to you?

I was, uh,
I was trying to bite you.

Carl, what's in my mouth?

You look like blac chyna.

Oh, stop. What's in my mouth?

I don't know, but I don't want
no head no more.

What is this, Carl? What is this?

It look like a pimple on the mouth.

Where is daddy at?
Where is everybody?

They right here looking
for your stupid ass.

But how we gonna get them?

All right. This is what we're gonna do.
All right.

This me, this you.
When I'm gonna say "hike,"

- you're gonna throw the ball...
- Right.

Nah, I don't like that play.

This what we gon' do, go right here,
ten yards cut...

- Are you playing football?
- You-you want to get out of here or not?

- It doesn't work! Shut the fuck up.
- Just let's go.

- No.
- Calm down. No.

Don't you do your neck like that.

Calm down.

- Calm the fuck down.
- Please, please.

No! Cronut, no!

Please.

Don't you do it, don't you do it.

No...

Mayweather.

He gave it like that.

Yeah!

I'm a vampire slayer. I'm like blade.

- I did that.
- You did what?

- I killed him.
- No, I did that. I did...

- Really?
- I'm blade. Yeah, yeah.

Let's go find your dad.

Carl, I don't feel well.
Tell me, where are we?

Lorena?

There he is!

Carl black.

Release my beloved.

That's the nigga next door.

You don't mess with a man's wife!

That is our wife.

She is at least on a time share.

I've been waiting my whole life for you

to kill you, you punk-bitch,
little ass, dick-looking bitch.

You call him a bitch? Come on.

We ain't finna be too many
more bitches up in here now.

You better watch your mouth.

Listen here, black Baltimore raven.

You will no longer
disparage my household.

Hit him with that juice.

Hit him again. Damn,
let me see your shit.

Man, that's mango juice
you're throwing on that man.

Why this nigga is not dying?

- Why?
- Oh, man. That's bullshit.

- What kind of nigga is this?
- Fuck you're gonna kill a vampire

with visine, motherfucker?

Hit him with that third one.

Punk bitch, die!

This nigga is not dying. Back up.

Thank you, ladies.

- Whoa.
- Daddy.

- Where you been?
- We've been looking for you.

- I saved Allie.
- No, I saved you.

Enough!

Look how you got
my woman's mouth looking, man.

I bring to you from Africa, Egypt,

Denmark and Dayton.

Jj

That's jodeci!

No!

I swear by the black hairs
of your chinny chin chin,

I will huff and puff

and these demons
will blow your house down.

What's up, y'all?

- Watch out... oh!
- Oh, shit!

What the hell are you doing here?

Freezee,

what happened to you?

Vampire gang.
We out here, gang-gang!

They done hooked your boy up.

Half vampire, half goat legs,
full horse dick.

Donkey dick.

It's all backwards though.

Your ass is forward, freezee.

They done fuck me up in the lab.

You're a hairy retarded vampire.

- This ain't the life I chose.
- You fucked him up.

You fucked him up.
You fucked him up.

I appreciate it.
At least I can walk now.

Listen here, switchblade.

You already know black lives matter.

This is black matter lives.

Welcome to the dark, motherfucker.

Attack!

Come on. Come on. Come on.

- You hit me in the nuts!
- I'm sorry.

I'm tired of your ass.

Let's go, bitch. Let's go.

I got you!

- Yeah, bitch!
- Die slow! Die slow!

Carl! Behind you!

Help her.

- I can't move my hand.
- I can't move mine.

I'm throwing up gang signs.

Finally, Lorena.

Nigga is not dead yet.
I don't think he's dead.

Baby, he's not dead.

You know I'm coming now.

Go get the voodoo doll.
It's the only way to kill him.

- All right. Cool.
- Hurry.

Go lock the back door.
Get the doors locked. Come on.

We can't kill him without the voodoo doll!

Cronut, hurry up. Hurry.

Hurry up, cronut.

Wooky said this will kill the vampire.

Is that it?

- Yeah.
- All right. Let's go.

Whoa! Shit!

Ah, shit!

Come on, come on. Oh, shit!

- Please. Please.
- Hey, hey, stop.

Please.

Shit!

I orena.

Come to me, Lorena.

- Carl...
- What's wrong?

He's calling me.

You can kill me,
but you cannot make me die.

I will have what belongs to me.

I'm 'bout to go kill mamuwalde.

Okay.

- Damn, Hugo.
- Nobody calls me Hugo.

What do they call you then?

Filero.

And what's filero?

It means blade in Mexican.

Really?

Carl... no...

Where do you think you're going?

What did you just do to me?

Do you feel that?

I got the voodoo doll.

Break the voodoo doll.

- What?
- Break the voodoo doll!

Cronut!

Release your meaningless life.

Fuck about that...

I see we don't know what immortal means.

Break the doll, the voodoo doll!

- Break it!
- Break it!

- You motherfucker.
- Don't you touch me.

Come to me, Lorena.

- You better stop!
- Come this way.

Lorena, wake up!

[I orena.

Take your place with me.

Babe, don't do this! Baby!

We are the Jay-Z and Beyoncé
of the underworld.

Complete my darkness.

Come with me.
There's not much time left.

You don't heed him.

He doesn't have a job
ahd he can't write a book.

I got this new book coming out.
Terror night.

Nigga! Ain't nobody reading your book!

My book is in... in...
In Barnes and noble's.

That book was terrible. It's one
of the worst books I ever read.

Carl, I'm not happy here.

I need the money, dad.

Just... just leave.
Just leave. Go take a nap.

This ain't the time
for your goddamn book.

I don't know if this is it for us.

I used to think it was the house,
the neighborhood, your book.

You need to realize

that family's the most important thing
in life, not a book.

- I'm moving out.
- You're messing up.

It's you and I
that don't work. It's you.

Come to me now.

Carl black, save your wife.

Global warming is real.

Jack mihoff, Ann news live
with the buzz.

So you've survived the purge.

You and this ragtag band of pimps, hoes...

- No, that's my family.
- Sorry, what?!

No. It wasn't no pimps
and hoes over here.

You defeated the vampire.

Saved the whole entire neighborhood.

Have you, black panther,
Chloe, and bow-wow

ever thought about becoming
the new black ghostbusters?

- Hunting ghosts?
- Hunting ghosts? I mean...

You don't have to answer that, Carl.

It's a good idea.
We could make money.

Let's wait, let's wait.

Don't be a bitch.
Let's make this money, Carl.

Yes. Don't be a bitch.
Make the money.

And what the fuck did you do?

- Look at me.
- We could make money, Carl.

- Get the money, Carl.
- Carl, let's do it.

- I'm gonna make money.
- Yeah. Why-why not?

One more question.
Handicapped white man,

is it true that your first experience
with vampires

was in the jungle in Hanoi
where your troop was ambushed,

you were ravaged, and your legs
were completely destroyed?

Fuck you, Sammy sosa.

One thing I hate
about this neighborhood...

All the goddamn vampires.

Well, we would just like to thank you

for your service
to this country and make...

Oh, my lord!

His hands are strong,
but his legs are dead.

Come on. Come on.
I et his hand. Let his hand.

Get off me, Carl!
Your wife's cheating on you!

- What are you talking about?
- What?

- I see everything!
- Shut up!

- Cronut's gay.
- No, I'm not. That don't count in jail.

That's not even your daughter!

- Uh-uh.
- No. I'm sick of this.

Yeah. I'm sick of you.

Come on, Carl.

Are you ready?

Give me one second,
baby. I'm coming.

Lord knows I'm coming.

I know you happy
you ain't with clive no more.

- But what's taking you so long?
- You're rushing me, babe.

You ain't rush clive.
I know you waited for his ass.

Just calm down.
You gon' get this dick.

Gonna drop some good dick on you.

Well, hurry.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

You see it. You see it. Yeah.

Say you're ready for me
to draw some dick o's.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh-oh.

That's it?

You're kidding.

Walt. I-i...
Damn, this was a long song.

- Wow.
- You did good. No, no, no.

What you wowing for?

Who knocked it down, nigga?

Bitch ass!

This is Jack mihoff
with today's latest buzz.

There has been reports
of a ragtag band

of negro thug
vigilantes and a Mexican.

Reports have been stated
that they are calling themselves

the ghetto ghostbusters,

and they are out for street vengeance.