All language subtitles for The.Grand.Tour.S03E02.English

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)

(CHEERING)

Thank you so much, thank you.

Hello and welcome.

-(CHEERING)
-Thank you.

Thank you.

Hello and welcome to what is
a Grand Tour special.

Yep, and it's gonna
be a big one,

because we've had
a request from Amazon.

You know how if you're
watching a programme
and you pause it,

you get to see a selection
of beautiful landscape
photographs

from all around the world?

Yeah, well, we've been asked
to come up with

some new photographs
of wild animals.

Yeah, us three,
wildlife photographers.

What could possibly
go wrong with that?

-(LAUGHTER)
-It's such an obvious idea,

I don't know why we
never thought of it before.

But, anyway, we decided that
obviously we'd need the right
gear and the right cars,

and then we should meet up
with all of that

in the most ecologically
diverse country on Earth...

Colombia.

JEREMY: Colombia is
nature's treasure chest.

Its endless soaring peaks,
vast forests,

lazy rivers
and babbling brooks

are home to a greater
variety of birds and animals

than you'll find
anywhere else on Earth.

Of course,
common sense dictated
that to get our pictures,

we should meet far from
the stain of humanity.

But for some
extraordinary reason,

Richard Hammond decided
that the start point

should be in the middle
of the night...

close to the bustling city
of Cartagena...

on a tropical beach.

(BRAKES SQUEAK SOFTLY)

JAMES: Morning.
JEREMY: Morning.

Why did he say
meet on a beach

and why...actually,
why did we listen to him?

JEREMY:
Where is he? Hammond?

JAMES: It's four o'clock,
for Pete's sake.

-Uh, is that a Fiat Panda?
-Fiat Panda 4x4!

JEREMY: It's terrible.
-It's fantastic.

JEREMY: No, that's fantastic.

Look at that. That is
a sturdy car, that is.

JAMES: Isn't that
a very popular car
with the gay community?

JEREMY: Is it?

JAMES: There was a thing
in America

where they had the top ten...
top ten LGBT cars.

And that came third
or something.

JEREMY: What, Lesbian,
Bacon... No, what is it?

-Lesbian, Bacon,
Transgender...
-Lesbian...

(HISSING)

JEREMY: What's that?
Well, that was a...

Wasn't that a distress flare?

JAMES: Well, a red one
is a distress, isn't it?

JEREMY: What's that?
-Hang on, is that...?

Is there a person on t...?
There's somebody on it.

JEREMY: Hello? Hello!

RICHARD: Hello!
JAMES: It's Hammond.

JEREMY: That is Hammond.
-Hammond!

-Hammond!
-Hello! Here I am!

-Is that you?
-Are you OK?

RICHARD: Yes.
Some help would be good!

Is that your car?

-Yes. This is my car!
-It's his car.

(BIRDCALLS)

JEREMY:
As the sun began to rise,

we asked Hammond
to come ashore

so we could work out
what on Earth was going on.

Quite a lot
of explaining here.

-A lot of unpacking.
-Morning.

Yeah, good morning.

Well, where do we begin?
Why is your car out there?

Well, because that's where
the boat dropped me off.

-What boat?
-Well, I shipped it
from North America.

-Yeah.
-They got to here,
wrapped it in polythene,

lobbed it over the side,
me with it.
That's how they do it.

I think, I reckon, there's a
lot of trade between the two.

There's bound to be,
isn't there?

What,
so you're saying, what,

that Colombia's exporting
something to America?

Yes, exactly.
I think there's more...

-And then the ships
are coming back empty?
-Precisely.

I think there's
more of whatever it is

going to North America,
so they go out full.

Then they come back so you
can get a much cheaper ride.

-Cost peanuts.
-Hold that.

What are they shipping?

JAMES: Well, what does
Colombia produce?

JEREMY: I've got it here.
The main agricultural
products of Colombia

are coffee, cut flowers,
bananas, rice, tobacco,

forest products - whatever
they are - and shrimp.

I bet it's shrimp.

Yeah, but we were
wondering why they don't

drop you off,
for example, in a port.

I know.
They just, they don't use it.

That's how they...
It all seemed
perfectly normal to them.

Wrap it in polythene,
throw it over the side.

-And threw you
over the side as well.
-Yeah. Yeah.

What's it say on that?
Global Auto...?

RICHARD: Yeah, GAK.
Global Auto Kings.

They're... That's what
they said was the company.

Problem we've got is...

how are you gonna get
your car from there to here?

I was rather hoping
that'd be we'd do that.

No, no,
if you listen carefully,

he said how you're
going to get your car
from there to here.

"You" singular.
Just you, meaning you.

-W...
-No, he didn't say "us".

You made us get up
at four o'clock...

JEREMY: Eventually, though,
James relented

and agreed to pull
Hammond's car ashore.

Right, go, May. Go, go, go!
Give it a yank.

(ENGINE REVVING)

James, what is that?
I mean...

It's got 49 horsepower. It's
gonna ruin it. Get the Jeep.

Can we find a small dog
instead to tow it?

-Get the Jeep.
-Get the what?

-This...
-What have you got?

JEREMY: A Jeep. It's there.

Well, bring that over!

When I returned
in the LGB Jeep,

Hammond thanked me -
by taking the mickey.

That's very nice, by the way.

-Well done. I'm proud of you.
-Why are you proud of me?

You've done well.
That is a hard thing to do
and you've done it.

You are gonna be
so much happier.

Would you like me
to help you get your car...

-I would, I would.
-...out of the sea?

-Shut up, then.
-OK.

I thought you might
be nicer now it's all
out in the open.

We hitched up the rope

and then waited for the
right wave to help us along.

Go...now.

-Yes!
-(rope snapping)

No, not at all good. Whoa!

JEREMY: I then realised
that we were doing this
all wrong.

That is presumably
a pick-up truck.

-Yes?
-Yes, you've guessed.

And four-wheel drive, yes?
Right.

Why don't you go out there,
cut away the polythene bag,

and drive it out
using the engine?

It's a good idea.
Cos what you don't do
when you drive a car

is use the engine
in someone else's car.

-You use the one
in your own car.
-Yes.

So, while Hammond
unwrapped his car...

James and I turned our
attention to his Fiat Panda.

I bought it from
an English family

who had bought
a house in Tuscany.

And this... Pepe.

-(JEREMY LAUGHS)
-Pepe the Panda.

-And they loved it.
-Do you kn...

I know everything
about this family.

This has been used
for picking their friends
up from Pisa airport.

Oh, undoubtedly.

And their friends are...
the editor of the Guardian...

-Yes.
-...Tony Blair...

-Cherie Blair.
-Sting.

-Alan Yentob.
-Yes.

Every single
lightweight socialist

in Britain
has been in this car.

-I bet they made
their own olive oil as well.
-(JEREMY LAUGHS)

Oh, they were socialists,
really.

As they are sitting
with their Prosecco
and really care.

"We're raising awareness."
"Raising awareness" means,

"I'm doing
absolutely nothing at all."

I'll bet they had a little
man in the village...

JAMES: As the Pet Shop Boy
ranted on,

Hammond finally
finished unwrapping
his pick-up truck.

-Unfortunately, though...
-(ENGINE TURNS OVER)

-...it wouldn't start.
-(ENGINE STOPS)

(ENGINE STARTS AND STOPS)

-(SYSTEM BEEP)
-No.

So, after getting brained
by the waves for a while,

he waded ashore again
and came up with
a hare-brained scheme

where the Fiat would be
an anchor
and the Jeep a tug.

Right, parking brake is off
and I am in neutral.

Right. You're ready.
Uh...good, I am as well.

I'm taking up the slack.

(ENGINES IDLING)

-Here we go.
-That's looking good.

No, no.

Clarkson, you're pulling me
into the sea! Clarkson!

Stop! Stop!

Why are you there?

You've pulled me in the sea,
you muppet!

-(VIDEO BREAKS UP)
-Oh, shit...

JAMES: Thanks to
Hammond's stupid idea,

the cameras in my car
were completely ruined.

So we ordered a taxi,
sent him into town
to get a proper tow truck...

...and when he returned, he
asked Jeremy of all people

to operate its winch.

-(WHIRRING)
JEREMY: Are you moving?

Yes! Yes, I am!

You see, you mock people
who like winching and stuff,

but don't tell me
you're not enjoying this.

It is incredible how much
power you can get

out of a little tiny electric
winch. When you think...

Is he having some sort of
winch fantasy?

I've turned him off.

I'm just sitting here making
sure that LED doesn't go red,

in which case the winch
is overheating.

Which he seems to think
is incredibly exciting.

Jeremy? You need to stop,
you're gonna pull me
into the... the shelter.

The only thing is...though
we have done well, actually,

is these three cars
we've got.

Because...they're all
designed to go off road

and yet they couldn't be
more different.

Jeremy, you're pulling me
through the building!

That is true, it is,
it's a good trio of cars.

RICHARD: W... No!

You've got mine, which is
bought by people who like

cruising the streets of
San Francisco, Key West,

Brighton and Sydney.

And then yours,
which is bought by people...

-Jeremy! Stop!
-...who wanna feel better
about themselves.

So if you have
your second home

whilst people in the world
are homeless and starving,

-it's OK as long as you have
a small Fiat.
-(THUD)

JEREMY: Oh, shit.
Hammond, you moron!

Well, I couldn't do anything!
I've got no steering.

-Why didn't you tell us?
-I was yelling on the radio!

You pulled me
through a building.

This family has loved
this car since 1991

and you turn up from bloody
Wales or North America,

or wherever it is
you've been,

and you've already
ruined it.

Listen, it's been
a bit of a cluster thing.

We need to work it all out.

We need communications
properly organised.

-What is that? That.
-You need a--

It's my ladder. Ah.

You've bought something
you can't get into or out of
without a ladder?

Well, it's very high up.

Hammond, that's the worst
thing I've ever seen.

It's brilliant.
Look at it.

That was like the best
Christmas I've ever had,

unwrapping it out at sea.

I was, "Ooh-hoo, can't wait!"

And then I saw
a little bit of a flame. Ah!

And what is that? A
skull-faced fox abomination?

-Look at it.
-That is inspiration.

It's already got
nature pictures on it.

It's brilliant. Doesn't that
cheer you up a bit?

-No, it doesn't cheer me up.
-Yes, it does.

It makes you feel happy.

JAMES: So far,
Hammond's pick-up

had wrecked everything
on the beach

and all my cameras

and cost us ten hours.

So we told him
to shut up - again -

and get it working.

(RICHARD GRUNTS)

-And once he'd done that...
-(ENGINE STARTS)

Yeah!

..we headed into Cartagena
to buy some cameras.

(SONG IN SPANISH)

Right, this Jeep Wrangler
Hard-tail cost £8,000

and absolutely everything
on it works.

And...with my
Hercule Poirot hat on,

I would say that this car
was originally sold in Japan,

because the television, CD,
satnav system here

is all in Japanese,
which means I can't work it.

And then you've got little
stickers all over everywhere.

This one says -
look, "Hysteric Glamour"
and "CDC Rockers".

That's a very Japanese-y
thing to do.

So, this was built in Ohio,
shipped to...Japan,

exported to England, and then
I've shipped it to Colombia.

This, then, has done
120,000 miles on the road

but about twice that
on ships.

I think it's gonna be
ideal, though,

for wildlife photography,

because it's four-wheel
drive, it's a Jeep.

So I could use it
to track a snow leopard.

It's got a 4-litre
straight 6,

so I could keep up
with a diving eagle.

And, of course, no roof,
fold-down windscreen,

so a 360-degree field of fire
for my camera.

(ENGINE HUMMING)

(CHUCKLES)
Let me fill you in a bit on
my 1998 Chevy C/K Silverado.

It's a full-size
American pick-up

that's been made a bit bigger
with a lift kit

and modifications that
I'll tell you about later.

Most importantly,
it's got a proper big,
old 7.4-litre V8 up front

in a very lazy
state of tune,

just churning out
huge gobbets of grunt.

I have four-wheel drive -
high and low ratios.

That and this massive
lift kit, I can go anywhere.

Probably most
wildlife photographers
use things like this, anyway.

You don't see it,
you know, on the telly
with Attenborough and stuff,

cos, well, this is
behind the scenes.

This is how they get there.

(SONG IN SPANISH)

Now we're alone, viewers,
let me tell you a little bit
about my car.

I know some of you
are thinking, "Oh,
that's just a Fiat Panda,"

and "They're in South
America.

They're bound to be going
over difficult terrain."

Yes, yes, yes.
But let me tell you this.

What you need
for serious off-roading

is smallness and lightness.

That's what I've got.
This is a tiny car.

It weighs 780 kilograms.

A quarter of what Hammond's
stupid monster truck weighs.

It has a four-wheel drive
system made in Austria,

very dependable.

Does have
inclinometers on it,

so that I can see
when I'm about to fall over.

And it's perfect.
It all works.

The fan, the cooling system,
all the instruments.

It's all perfect.

JAMES: But then...

My indicators have just
packed up so, you know,

there will be no indications.

Problems with
Italian electrics?

I know, it's unheard of.

The lift kit added to this
car by the previous owner

has not improved the
steering or handling or ride.

What's it like being tall?

(RICHARD LAUGHS)

Bless him,
he's all exuberant.

Finally, he can be himself,
and good for him.

JEREMY: Soon we arrived at
the really rather beautiful

walled city of Cartagena.

Which was bad news
for the not-at-all beautiful
Trump truck.

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, hang on.

Are these walls important
and, like, really old
and precious?

JEREMY:
17th century, Hammond.

That's how old they are.
It's a World Heritage Site.

A World Heritage Site.

RICHARD: Well, if they're
that old, the odd chip
won't matter, will it?

What a moron.

RICHARD: Oh, my God.

JAMES: If I lived in
a walled World Heritage Site,

I wouldn't be pleased
to see that coming in.

(SIREN BLARING NEARBY)

Right.

-(SIREN BLARING)
-Oh, God.

This is tight.

There's an ambulance.

That's an actual ambulance.

(HORNS TOOTING AND SIREN)

(SIREN WAILING)

Oh, shit.

Shit, that ambulance
is coming down here, Hammond.
Boot it!

Hammond,
there's an ambulance.
You've gotta get out the way.

RICHARD: Well, I can't.

-(SIREN BLARING)
-Oh, God.

Jesus, come on.

Oh, I feel bad.

JAMES: Come on,
Hammond, boot it.

You're just gonna have to go.
Run over everything.

Situation report.

Hammond has caused a ten-hour
delay to our schedule

and is now killing a man.

Ooh, shit, sorry.

(SIREN WAILING)

Oh, that was bad.

JEREMY: After I'd paid
for the bruised fruit...

Here. I do apologise.

...we plunged into the
labyrinth of narrow streets

to find a camera shop.

That was easy for the Jeep
and the Panda.

However...

(HORNS BLARING)

Yeah, one more go.
I can do this.

Yeah, I'm... I'm...
I'll sort it in a minute.

I'll be out of the way
in a second.

I don't why
Hammond and May think

that the Wrangler's
a... a gay icon.

JEREMY: Eventually,
having got our shopping done,

we met up
for a camera show-and-tell.

And, once again,
Hammond had gone
completely over the top.

What have you bought?

Everything.

If I know anything about
wildlife photographers,

you need the kit.
So this goes around my waist.

In here I have a selection
of prime lenses.

A real... That's a macro
lens for taking close-up
stuff, like, really close.

This is a 50 mil prime,
really fast, beautiful lens.

Uh...then I've got
another harness.

So that's for
the actual camera.

I have filters
for the flash guns.
There's two flash guns.

They can trip
one another off as well.

-So you pull up... Stop.
-What?

-You pull up by an animal.
-Yeah?

-You need a photograph of it.
-Oh, yeah.

An animal is gonna
run off any minute.
You need to be quick.

However big or small
that animal is,

I will have the lens for it,
flash for it...

Yes, but you'll
have to hope it's dead
or it'll simply run off.

And then, importantly,
of course, camera body.

-Very good one.
-Well remembered.

And most importantly of all,
telephoto lens.

JEREMY: Shall I show you
what I've got?

-Yes.
-I haven't bothered
with any of that.

I've just gone for
the telephoto -

not one of yours - but that.

This is all I've got.
That's all you need.

-What, that is literally it?
-Yeah. That's all you need.

Well, are you gonna
photograph animals
in this country?

-I...
-That's a pervert camera.

No, it's a Daily Mail camera
is what it is.

Exactly. That's what I meant.

-Oh. That's heavy.
-I'll bet it is!

-That's a lot of glass.
-Clear this away.

Let me show you
what I've got.

All right.

(JAMES SIGHS)

That is a camera.

If we'd been tasked with
photographing somebody's
21st birthday party--

-Perfect.
-Welcome to 2018.

Everything you've got
in all that kit

that you've just shown us,
is in there.

Show me your zoom lens.

-Behold the lens.
-What, is it a cold day?

Behold the zoom.

The woman in the shop
said this camera takes
good pictures.

-That's enough for me.
-(OTHERS LAUGH)

JEREMY: Keen to get cracking,
we hit the streets

and began immediately
to do animal photography.

James, move,
you're in my shot.

Woof... Grrr...

-(SHUTTER CLICKS)
-Shit.

I've gotta get further away.

Oh, wait, I thought I saw
an insect, but I've...

Green flash.

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

Oh, Christ,
I've got a macro on!

Stay, pigeon. Don't scare it.

Er...

Oh!

-Get out of the way.
-I'm sorry.
Am I annoying you?

Yes, you are.
You can't possibly need
to be that close.

-Hello, horsey.
-(SHUTTER CLICKS)

JEREMY: Eventually,
we got into the groove.

-(CLICK)
-Got it.

Look. Look at my pigeon.

And after just 20 minutes...

(CLICKING)

...we met up to celebrate
a job well done.

-Yeah, I've got a dog.
-You've got that horse one.

I've got a pigeon
looking gormless.

I think we... Haven't we
pretty much done it?

RICHARD: A number of dogs
and a number of horses.

And a spider's ho...
The spider had gone,

but I've got
the hole the spider...
That's habitat.

You've got where
the spider lived.

-That's habitat.
-Oh, hang on, sorry.

That's what they want.

Chaps, we have a message here
from Mr Wilman.

-What?
-What does he want?

It's bad news, I'm afraid.

Amazon don't just want
pictures of pigeons,
dogs, and flies.

They want
interesting stuff as well.

They insist the following
must be included:

a condor, a spectacled bear,

a jaguar
and a hippopotamus.

And they must be wild.
You can't just go to a zoo.

Hippopotamus?
You don't get those here.

-They don't have them here,
do they?
-In Africa.

Well, how are we
gonna do that, then?

How in the hell
are we gonna get a picture

of a hippopotamus
in South America?

You've got
a really long lens!

But I'll have to be on a very
tall mountain to see Africa.

Well, I tell you what
we're not going to see
lumbering by here...

JEREMY: The next day,
armed with our new and more
challenging instructions,

we decided to make
an early start.

Sadly, however...

(STARTER MOTOR
WHINES SPORADICALLY)

JAMES: What was that?

It's... The starter keeps
engaging whilst the engine
is running. Hang on.

-(ENGINE STARTS)
-Only does it occasionally.
It's incon...

-(STARTER MOTOR WHINES)
-Ah!

-It's that.
-Ohh.

(ENGINE IDLING)

It's better. It's mended.
All is fine.

-I'd like to name my Fiat...
-(STARTER MOTOR WHINES)

(ALL SHOUT AND GROAN)

(STARTER MOTOR
WHINES SPORADICALLY)

See, that's a terrible noise.
Ohh!

JEREMY: Leaving Hammond
to repair the endlessly
annoying Trump truck,

May and I hit the road.

(POP SONG IN SPANISH)

Well, shrimping
and forest products

obviously uh...pays well.

-Look at the boats out there.
JAMES: I know,
that is amazing, isn't it?

You often see that. The
most humble of commodities

and it yields just incredible
wealth for a privileged few.

Yeah.

Right, we're now
leaving Cartagena

in our quest to find
many interesting animals
to photograph,

including...a hippopotamus.

That's the tricky one.

Obviously, many difficult
challenges would lie ahead.

There'd be thick forests...

(LAUGHTER-LIKE BIRD CALL)

...volcanoes...

...treacherous
mountain passes...

Oh, Jesus!

...and dreadful weather.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

But we weren't unduly worried
because we were using cars.

JAMES:
Photographers like to pretend

that everything
is more complicated
than it needs to be.

So, you know,
boxes and lenses and bags -

all the stuff
Richard Hammond's got.

Also wildlife photographers
like to pretend

that life
has to be difficult.

Live up a tree
for three weeks,

freeze yourself to death
on an iceberg

to take a picture of
a polar bear or whatever.

No. It can be comfortable.

The car can make
anything comfortable.

Drive up,
take your picture, drive off.

Sadly, though, while we were
covering the ground

quickly and comfortably,

photographic opportunities
were a bit sparse.

More cows. And a goat thing.

Yeah, not wild
or interesting.

JAMES: No, fair enough,
I'll give you that.

Dead dog.

Oh, quite a sweet
dead dog, though.

Well, it was sweet
when it was alive.

JEREMY: Even our now mobile
colleague was having no joy.

RICHARD:
Come on out. Come on.

Oh, stop hiding
behind the damn tree,
you little (BLEEP)!

And annoyingly for me,
on these rural roads,

the Jeep started to show
its true colours.

-(THUDDING)
-Oh, God.

Ooh, the ride's not good.

-(THUDDING)
-Oh, Jesus.

Ohh, I'm supposed
to be proving

that wildlife photography
is easy and comfortable.

Jeep's letting me down
a little bit on that front.

-(THUDDING)
-Aaargh.

Keen to have a break
from the relentless bouncing,

I suggested
we stop to photograph
an animal everyone likes...

a donkey.

Come on.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

Aw.

However, my long lens saw
something rather disturbing.

Come on, there's a man
in the back of shot.

Wait, hang on.

So, I went with
our translator

to talk to people
in the local village.

Could you ask...did...

Was that young man having
relations with that donkey

or did I miss-see something?

(SHE SPEAKS SPANISH)

-OK.
-Si?

They say yes.
That's right.

-What did he say, normal?
-No, no trouble. At all.

-Normal.
-Normal?

Si. Normal.

-So you've all...
-(THEY SPEAK SPANISH)

...enjoyed the company
of donkeys?

(THEY SPEAK SPANISH)

(THEY CONTINUE IN SPANISH)

(SHE LAUGHS)

So they say that basically
that's the first wife,

the first lover
that they have.

-(SHUTTER CLICKS)
-That's nice.

Are all the donkeys
fair game?

Every single donkey,
or just...

(THEY SPEAK SPANISH)

All of them, male and female?

(THEY SPEAK SPANISH)

Oh, OK, no. Only female.

So they don't have sex
with male donkeys.

That would be what, weird?

So they said
down here somewhere.

Oh, hello.

Donkeys.

Oh, we'll be photographing
donkeys, then, I guess.

Excellent.

Right,
try not to make a noise.

I shan't. Don't worry.

Cos this one's
particularly timid.

(HE GASPS)

Hang on.

We're leaving now.
Leave, now.

-What?
-We're leaving.

Ah, it seemed like
a really nice little place.

Jeremy, why do we have to go?

Have you upset someone?

He's either committed
some terrible faux pas

or he's got sunstroke -
he's very red in the face.

Why don't these Colombians
just grow something?

Surely there must be
a plant of some sort

that people living out in
the sticks could grow here,

and then sell
around the world...

...rather than...
interfering with animals.

We continued onwards,

acutely aware that so far our
mission was not going well.

JEREMY: What photographs have
we got between us so far?

Have either of you two
got anything

you could put on
an Amazon screensaver?

I have a selfie
with a donkey.

Yeah, you wouldn't wanna
use my donkey photograph,

that's for damn sure.

We've got nothing
between us so far at all.

But then...

No, wait. What's this?

Looks like a badger
having a massive poo.

No, that's an anteater.

JEREMY: You're right, it is.
It's an anteater.

But it's only
a picture of one.

But what it's doing
is telling us

they cross the road here.

Well, hang on. If they cross
the road here, we just wait.

Why chase?

I think they've put the sign
in the wrong place,

because...
no anteater has crossed here.

We've been now eight minutes.

Three minutes after that,

we realised we needed
to break out a map

and get radical.

Right, spectacled bears
don't live here.

Neither do condors
and neither do jaguars.

So let's go to where...

Yeah, we're sort of here,

just outside Cartagena.

We need to come down...

I mean right down here, into
the Amazonian rainforest.

National parks,
the mountains.

What the pros do
is go to the right habitat.

I know that, because
I'm leaning on my camera,
like a pro.

JEREMY: One of the main
targets on our hit list
was the jaguar,

and they live mostly
in the region of Santander,

which was 400 miles away.

So we saddled up
and settled down
for the long drive south.

I'd love to tell you how fast
my 49 horsepower is taking me

but the speedometer,
which is electronic,

has stopped working
since Richard Hammond
pulled me into the sea.

In a bid to pass the time,
I dreamed up a simple game.

Hammond, why don't you pull
alongside your colleague,

in his er...let's be honest,
1 litre Fiat Panda,

with your
7.4 litre monster truck,

and let's see who's got
the slowest car, OK?

Er, OK.

Three, two, one, go.

(ENGINE BUZZING)

The little guy gets ahead.

JEREMY: It's James May.
James May is winning!

That's all I've got.

Ha! (CHUCKLES)

Come on, Hammond!

That realistically is
all I have.

Easy. (LAUGHS)

Richard Trailer Trash Trump
Hammond has been beaten,

and beaten big time! Bigly!

I don't want you to take this
personally or anything,
Hammond,

but your truck
must be utter garbage.

Absolute garbage.

You wait, this thing'll
come into its own soon
and you'll be left gasping.

I'm longing to see
the environment

where that
comes into its own.

(SONG SUNG IN SPANISH)

JEREMY: After many hours
in this,

the 25th biggest country
on Earth,

we were finally
getting into jaguar country.

And the long journey had done
wonders for Hammond's

£11,000 pickup truck.

Current crop of warning
lights on my truck include
engine service soon,

some sort of
brake failure indicator,

anti-lock brake failure
indicator.

Lights I don't have
is the one that tells me
what gear I'm...

-Oh!
-(TYRES SCREECHING)

Ah.

Are we not concentrating,
Hammond?

(LAUGHS)
I may have had a wee.

JEREMY: It is one of the most
stupid pieces of engineering
ever, that truck.

(HE CHUCKLES)

JEREMY: Since the jaguars
weren't going to be
in built-up areas,

we ploughed deep
into the jungle,

along a dirt path
that was once a railway
built by the British.

(BIRDS SCREECHING)

Right, Jaguars, they are
very difficult to spot

and very, very rare.

You don't want to come
face to face with a Jaguar,
though.

Cos it does have
very strong bitey bits.

Kills its prey by biting
through its skull and
then penetrating its brain.

This is proper jungle now.

Oh, hello.

I'm in a British
railway tunnel.
Oh, no, Hammond.

(ENGINE REVVING)

-Ohh, tunnel.
-(ENGINE REVVING)

Stop it!

I had to do it, it's the law.

RICHARD: We drove for miles
along the disused railway,

until eventually,
LGB Jeremy came to a halt.

Gentlemen,
I'm rather confused here.

We're approaching a bridge,
OK?

It says no cars, no people,
no motorcycles and no horses.

Well, what's it for, then?

JEREMY: Moments later,
we found out.

It's all right, James, why
don't you just... (LAUGHS)

He is actually going.

James doesn't like heights.

-Oh, did you see
that one just move?
-Yes.

-(CLUNKING)
-What is that? Hold on.

That's one, two.

You've got seven,
maybe eight feet.

But that means I'll have
to drive... I can't...

You will.
It's got massive tyres.

You'll just be running on
the outer ones.

Well...
So I get to this bit...

My car is wider than that,

and that's wider than
my wheel. It won't do it.

And that's high, actually.
What is that? 300 feet?

RICHARD:
Some hundreds of feet, yes.

Oh, dear.

Even though Hammond
isn't at all accident prone,

I went first.

Seat belt on or off?

Off.

Because what bloody
difference will it make?

Really.

Jesus.

Oh, God, there's a really,
really narrow bit there.

Ooh, ahh.

(NERVOUS WHIMPERING)

Oh, speed.

No, ah, I don't think
speed's the answer. Ah.

(TIMBERS RATTLING)

Oh, oh.

Right. I've made it.
That's good.

JEREMY: Hammond, you will
shit your pants doing this.

Well, that's helpful.

I already am, watching.

Spider Man May shot across
as fast as he dared.

Not looking down,
not looking down,

thinking about other things.

And then it was the turn
of Big Donald.

(SIGHS) Oh, God.

Ah. Ah.

The only way I can do this
is by looking at
the driver's-side tyre,

and keeping it as close
as I can to that edge,

and hoping to God
that gives me enough.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, Jesus.
I'm shaking all over.

I can do this.

I'm just gonna
look at the wood,

not at what's below,
just look at the wood.

-(TIMBER CREAKING)
-Ah!

Jesus Christ, no,
I'm too close to the edge.

(RICHARD GROANS NERVOUSLY)

Argh. God!

(GROANS)
I think I might be sick.

I will get there.

Crossing this bridge
is just part of my journey.

JEREMY: Who is that, clippety
clopping across my bridge?

Oh, God!

Not the Billy Goat Gruff
game.

Mm, I will move my Jeep
out of your way

if you can answer this
simple prog rock question.

I don't know anything
about prog rock at all!

Who is the bass guitarist
in Barclay James Harvest?

The Nolan Sisters! Get me off
this (BLEEP) bridge!

Let me off the bridge.
I'm gonna be sick. Please.

JEREMY: Eventually Hammond
became quite irritated,

so I abandoned the game

and soon all of us
became quite irritated.

There were more not
very well maintained bridges.

Oh, God in heaven.

The heat was stifling...

and the ride in the Jeep

became more and more
intolerable.

Not taking this punishment
very well.

-(THUDDING)
-Ohh.

And then...

(ENGINE FAILS TO START)

JEREMY: James,
have you broken down?

Yes.

It's a very thoughtful place
to break down, this.

-Why is that?
-Well, because, look,
there's a little path

Hammond and I
can go round.

-He is absolutely right.
-Off you go.

Leave it. Don't touch it.
Leave it.

-I'm trying to help.
-Don't try and help.
Go away.

(GROANS) Everybody's getting
a bit bad tempered.

Might be because it's so hot.
Could be that.

He's not very keen
on us helping, is he?

-(CRASHING)
-Sorry.

-I couldn't see the bumper.
-I will punch your lights out

cos I had my head
right next to the thing.

Go on. Go!

It'll all be fine
if we spot a jaguar.

Everything will be OK.

-Right.
-Go!

Oh, now we're in trouble.

-(HORN BLARES)
-Whoa!

Hammond!

You (BLEEP) moron!

-I didn't know
you were there!
-Hammond!

What the (BLEEP) hell
are you doing?

I was stuck.

I didn't know
you were behind me.

Use your mirrors!

(METAL CREAKING)

You totally smashed
the front of my car up.

That really got out of hand,
all of a sudden.

One minute going along,
everything's fine.

Next minute, one of
your mates is throwing rocks
at the other one.

Problem is, you have people
on the extreme left -
James May -

people on the extreme right -
Richard Hammond -

and it's always
the liberal, sensible people
in the middle, like me,

who cop for it.

-(ENGINE STARTS)
JAMES: Eventually,
having fixed the Fiat,

I was back on the road again.

This car is just amazing.

-But then...
-(CLUNKING)

(ENGINE DRONING)

Oh, dear. I think I've just
lost the exhaust pipe.

JEREMY: Up ahead,
thanks mainly to

our absolutely beautiful
surroundings,

the mood was
a lot more tranquil.

(BIRDSONG)

JEREMY:
That scenery to our right
is absolutely spectacular.

RICHARD:
It is gorgeous, isn't it?

Yeah. And of course
we're not in the shade
of the jungle any more,

which means
I'm being roasted.

Have you not got any moisturiser
with you? You must have.

No, Hammond, I don't have
any moisturiser with me.

(CATTLE MOOING)

Buenos dias.

JAMES: As it turned out,
the broken exhaust
was lifting my mood too.

(ENGINE DRONING)

This is tremendous. It's like
being on a rally stage.

I happen to know that
Tony and Cherie Blair were,

in fact, massive World
Rally Championship fans.

In fact, I think they
took part in a couple
on the quiet.

They just didn't want people
to know about it.

They thought it would sort of

damage their reputation
and their standing.

Unlike, say, starting a war.

Further ahead,
my long lens had grabbed
a couple of animals.

(TURKEY GOBBLING)

RICHARD:
I don't believe Amazon

will be rushing to have that
as their screen saver.

JEREMY:
But we had yet to bag a jag.

However,
as it's a nocturnal animal,

we were hoping for more luck
as darkness fell.

Predictably, though...

RICHARD:
Are my headlights on?

No, they're off completely.

I think I got sea water
in them.

JEREMY: As we set about
sorting the problem,

Tony Blanquist arrived.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Ooh. That can't...
Listen to it.

It sounds quite roarty,
doesn't it?

JEREMY:
That is a throaty sound.

James,
do not throw rocks at us.

Just calm down, say some of
your Chinese things.

I'm very sorry
for driving into your car.

I'm very sorry
I threw a rock at you.
It wasn't at your head.

Right, so we're back
as a team.

-Yeah.
-I've said sorry to James.

-Yeah.
-He's said sorry to me.

-We're all OK.
-We've all said sorry.

-Everybody's happy.
-(TAPE RIPPING UNSTUCK)

Once we'd strapped
some torches to the front
of the pickup Trump...

we resumed our jaguar hunt.

Those torches are useless.

They're just illuminating
trees over there
and the sky up there.

It's not helping anything.

Eventually, though, after
driving deep into the jungle,

we arrived at exactly
the sort of spot

where jaguars
like to hang out.

This is
extraordinarily promising.

But the most important thing,
of course, is to be quiet.

Nice and quietly does it,
while I set up my camera.

Unfortunately, however,
the "quiet" memo didn't reach
Donald and Tony.

-(REVVING)
-My lights are too high here!

I need to be parked.

JEREMY: Oh, for God's sake,
quietly, I said.

(REVVING AND RADIO CHATTER)

I'll stay down here,
then you'll be higher up.

All right, now I can't see
cos of your lights.

(INDISTINCT)
...I was gonna go.

OK, mate,
I'm gonna hit the road.

You go that way
and check it out.

Have you two thought about
maybe being a bit quieter?

RICHARD: You what?
-Little bit quieter, perhaps?

(ENGINES REVVING)

Oh, no, Jeremy, I'm too close
to you there, aren't I?

-No, that's fine.
-Sure?

-Yes, just turn it off.
-What?

-Just turn the engine off.
-What?

-Turn the engine off.
-Oh, right, yeah.

-(ENGINE REVS)
-Oh, sorry, it was in gear.

(ENGINE REVS AND STOPS)

When my colleagues
were finally silent,

we settled down
to wait for a jaguar,

something which
the experts say

requires immense patience.

(INSECTS SINGING)

RICHARD: I'm bored!
I'm bored and I'm getting
eaten by mosquitos.

JAMES: I'm being eaten
and I'm bored as well.

RICHARD: If a jaguar
came now, I wouldn't see it.

My eyes have shut down...

from boredom.

-What are we going to do?
-I don't know,
but that is boring.

No, cos honestly,
I mean the truth is,

people could come out here
for 40 years

and not see a jaguar.

Well, we could use
my trap cameras.

-Your what?
-What are trap cameras?

Set it up, and triggered by
an animal and take a picture.

-You've got those with you?
-Yeah. In my bag.

Well, why the hell didn't you
say that when we turned up?

Nobody asked.

I'm sorry, yes, Richard,
get your trap cameras out.

-What a great idea.
-Right, OK. Plan! I'll do it.

Oh, I've just remembered,

I've got a jaguar in the
boot, shall I let that out?

(JEREMY LAUGHS)

After a while, Hammond
had carpeted the area
with his trap cameras.

-Now what do we do?
-Wait.

We wait for an animal to walk
past one and set it off?

-Yes.
-How do we know
when it's gone off?

Well, we just will.

Er... I need a dump.

-I'll alert the media.
-Well, I'm just saying.

Don't worry,
I'm gonna sort myself out.

Sorry.

-It's all this foreign food.
-Ssh.

He's not such a good
outdoors man's person

as he likes to think,
cos I bet he hasn't got
any bog roll.

I'll bet you he'll just use
a smooth stone.

-A smooth stone?
-Mmm.

That's what snipers use

when they're posted out
in the middle of nowhere.

They wipe themselves
with a smooth stone.

-Why a smooth stone?
-Well...

presumably because
it's uncomfortable

to use a jaggedy one.

Oh, yeah, but not...

Well, you'd probably use
a leaf, actually,
in the jungle.

I mean... (VOICE FADES)

After much debate about

how the special forces
wipe their bottoms,

Hammond returned
and I quickly realised

we were being thick.

These are set off remotely?

-Yeah. If an animal...
-Well, why are we still here?

That's a very good point,
actually.

It's better
that we go away, isn't it?

Let's take the Bear Grylls
approach to natural history.

There was a town,
well, ten kilometres away.

Why don't we go into
the town, have a drink,

check into a hotel,
how's that sound?

And then come back tomorrow
and check the cameras.

-Yes, yes.
-That's how you're
supposed to use them.

It's in the instructions.
That's what you do.
You set it up...

This good news put me in
the mood for some mischief.

So, after May had
gone to bed at the hotel,

Hammond and I sneaked outside
to mess with his head.

-He parked his car there.
-Yes.

Turn it round.

Oh, that'll
mess with his head.

So, in the morning,
can you imagine his face?

Yeah, and he'll know
exactly where he parked it,
cos it's him.

So then he'll think...
he'll think he's gone mad.

-How are we gonna do it?
-Bounce it. Ready?

-Oh, yeah.
-So one, two, three, move it.

One, two, three, move it.

One, two three, move it.

One, two...

The next morning,
with James in a state
of deep puzzlement,

Hammond and I checked out
the ruined trap cameras.

So let me
just get this clear.

The jaguar
mauled your camera?

Yeah.

Is that really
where it's bitten it?

-It's got bits come off.
-He's broken it.

-Yes, he's broken it.
-But did we...

This is the important thing.

Did we get...
ahem, any pictures?

-Right, I'll have a look.
BOTH: No.

Er...something triggered it.
Maybe a leaf.

-Ah, look, there!
-Where?

There. That's its...
That's it!

-That's it walking about.
-Look how camouflaged it is.

There's its head!
That's its actual face.

There.

Yeah, but he's got a tree
in front of him.

Yeah, but that's context,
that's habitat.

(GASPS) What's that?

This is when it got
destroyed. That's its...

That's its mouth.
That's whiskers, look.

-No!
-That's its...

That's a jaguar biting.

That is an action shot.

That's probably
got awards all over it.

JEREMY: Oh, yeah.
-Eyes.

(JEREMY GASPS)

Now, that is a great picture
and we can move on.

-It is.
-We have ticked that box.

That's the Ace of Spades,
the jaguar.

That's Saddam Hussein.

We've now gotta go
and get his sons...

...Uday and the other one.

What was his
other son called?

-Edgar.
-(JEREMY LAUGHS WHEEZILY)

We now have to drive
200 miles

to photograph the King
of Spades, Edgar Hussein...

Paddington.

JEREMY: Oh, shite!

Oh-ho!

Oh-ho, look at you
with a wheel in the air!

Gravity gets you down there

and then you simply
drive up the other side.

-(ENGINE REVS)
-Oh, God!

Stop. Stop, stop, stop!

Stop there. Stop there.
It's gonna break.

(GROWLING)

(WHISPERS) It's a bear!
It's a bear!

We've been told
we're at 15,500 feet.

Nothing for it,
we've gotta go higher...

...to find Colin Condor.

JAMES:
Oh, that's proper boiling.

RICHARD:
You're destroying our cars,

you've got oxygen for you
and your car only,

and we can see nothing!

(THUNDER)

JEREMY: We're 250 miles
from the Equator.

We're on a volcano
in a severe hailstorm.

It's bouncing in
through the back.

How much hail
is there in the sky?

(THUNDER)