All language subtitles for Kevin.Can.Fuck.Himself.S01E08.Fixed.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb

Previously on
"Kevin Can F... Himself"...

Make it look
like a robbery,

and as soon as it's done,
you'll get the money.

You can't fire me.
They'll throw me
in prison.

Change of plans.
We're leaving tonight.

I don't know when
you got so broken.

Uugh!

Damn it!

Where are you going?

Maybe I don't want
to waste the next 15 years

trying to
distract myself.

You are
the right person.

You.

Okay.

There's someone
in the house.

Is that a gun?

What? I'm stressed out.

Arrest me.

Don't really.

Hey.

God. Patty.

Thank you for your time,
Mrs. McRoberts.

Hey, you.
Hi.

Officer Ridgeway.

Right.

Listen, I can't imagine how hard
all this has been for you.

-Yeah.
-But you may not want

to go visit your mother,
or go out of town at all.

In case
we need anything else.

Uh, like what?

We don't take shootings lightly,
and your husband --

-What about me?
-I was just saying

you were involved
in a terrible ordeal,

one we're gonna
get to the bottom of.

I feel like I'm in
some sort of awful dream.

But I don't
want you to worry.

We know you did what you had
to do to protect your family.

I just --
I don't understand

why someone would
break into our home.

Everyone thinks they're special,
that this can't happen to them.

No, no.

Our home is crappy.
It's a dumb move.

Around here, random break-ins
are usually drug-related.

It's desperation.

They're looking for anything
they can pawn for a few bucks.

So, is that
what you think this is?

S-Stealing for drug money?

We'll know more
once the warrant goes through

and we get into his place.

When will that be?

Likely tomorrow afternoon.

And that lowlife won't be around
to let us in himself.

Kevin made sure of that.

Wait. Did he --
Has he --

They pulled the plug on him
a few minutes ago.

Oh.

Drugs really are
the scourge of our time.

I'd argue heart disease.

Just numbers-wise.

Babe, this is not some sort
of smushed artery, alright?

Some drugged-up dude
was in our house.

He could've --

We could've --

I know. I know, babe.

Kev, I've been a cop 22 years
now, and let me tell you,

not very many families come out
of this stuff unscathed.

You're one of
the lucky ones.

Heh. Yeah.

Lucky. Come on.

Buddy!

Alright!
I'm alright.

No, you're not.

Your airway's being constricted
by 230 pounds of idiot.

I get a little emotional when
I think about losing you, Kev.

Yeah. Well, I don't like
thinking about it, either.

That's why you don't.

You got to push all those
thoughts and feelings

way down into your stomach

until it creates,
like, a little hole

where you can keep
all that stuff.

A cookie pocket.

That's an ulcer, Pete.

No.

It's a cookie pocket.

You eat cookies,
and you feel better.

Psh.
Thinks she's a nurse now,

telling us what
a cookie pocket is. Heh.

I just can't believe
that someone was in here.

I know. And the dude was on
my hockey team in high school.

Couldn't shoot
then, either.

You okay, bro?
You look like Patty after --

Oh, my God. Right now.

I don't know, bro.

It's like there's something
weighing down my eyebrows,

making me frown.

That's called marriage.

Did you hear
that one, son?

I said,
"That's called marriage."

Up top!

Yeah, it's, uh --

It's just not doing it for me.

Whoa.
This is serious.

I know.
I know.

That was a hilarious joke,

and yet it's like
my laugh button's on the fritz.

God.
What is wrong with me?

No, y-you're being too hard
on yourself, son.

-Look, this all just happened.
-Yeah.

Good Catholic repression
takes time.

And sleep.

You know what?
That's it.

You need a good snooze
to fix you up.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Maybe that'll do it.
-Sure.

You want me to make you
a nice, comfy fort to nap in?

-No thanks, bro.
-Oh, come on.

Makes you feel like a caveman
all tuckered

from a long day
of hunting dinosaurs.

I said no!

I --

I just need to be alone.

I just wanted to help.

I know, buddy. Look, he's
probably just starting

to realize what we all knew
years ago.

That forts are dumb?

Yeah.
Forts are dumb.

Okay, what the hell --

It was Nick.
-What?

He wasn't supposed to come
for another week.

Oh, trust me, I know.
But why listen to instruction

when it's more fun
to come on a night when Kevin's

amped on Red Bull
and has a gun?

I know.
Who would give Kevin a gun?

Oh. We did.

You know the gun
you hit the trucker with?

The one we planted
in the backyard?

He found it.

How?

Because of course he did!

Because he has a metal detector,
and it's Kevin!

We should have
seen this coming.

No -- Patty, you cannot
bail on me right --

Here.

Take a sip of this
every time you want to yell.

-Like a drinking game?
-Whatever gets you to be quiet.

God.
It's kind of miraculous

how little last night
helped us with anything.

Tammy's still looking
for her dealer.

Kevin's...

still Kevin.

This is why
you don't make plans.

You make plans,
and God laughs.

Then he kicks you
right in the balls.

No.

I still have plans.

Jesus, Allison, what's next?

You gonna lure Kevin
to a booby trap

with a jar of honey?

No.
But what are you gonna do?

Just roll over
and accept it?

Everything happens
for a reason.

Okay, you would hit me
if I said something like that.

No, Tammy is not gonna know
that you dealt,

and I am not gonna sit here
and rot as Mrs. McRoberts.

What are your plans?

Okay.

We're gonna take the pill bottle
and the cash

we were gonna plant
around Kevin's body,

and we're gonna put them
in Nick's apartment.

We connect him to Furies,
and he's the perfect candidate

for, like,
the local dealer fall guy.

It makes even more sense
than Kevin.

Tha--

-That could work.
-Right?

And he's dead,
so he's not even gonna mind.

Plus, Tammy said that she still
doesn't have the warrant,

so we have time.

We just need to act fast.

Jesus. Hold on!

Hey --

How does this help you?

What do you get out of it?

I get to know you're safe.

Can I get a plastic bag?

It's heavy.

Thank you.

Oh.

Oh. Shit. Jesus.

-Shut up.
-What? I mean --

Just help me.
Okay.

Just --

Okay.

Let's stash this stuff
and get out of here.

Okay.

It's fine, Allison.
Nobody's home.

Okay.

You think this guy hides stuff
in his sock drawer?

Well, it's where my dad
kept our savings bonds.

Okay.

So...

Kevin actually seems
affected by this.

Yeah, today.

And what about you?

Are you, like...
okay?

Do I not look okay?

That's what I mean.
You look fine.

You saw a dude get shot --

you could even say
it's your fault --

-Our fault.
-And it's like, "Oh, well,

let's head over
and frame the guy."

Well, what do you
want me to do?

"Deal with it" and end up
crying in the bathtub again?

That's useless.
Yeah.

But it would freak me out
a lot less, believe it or not.

Shoot.

What have we said
about swearing?

Okay.

Help me.

Why are we
unpacking for him?

He was about to leave.

If he broke into our house
for random drug stuff,

why would he be
getting out of town?

It looks premeditated.

The minute Tammy sees this,

she's gonna be asking
even more questions.

Okay, well, I don't think

you need to put his stuff
on hangers.

Shoot.

Patty!

Hell.

Comin'!

Patty, hi.

I --
I thought I'd stop by.

See how you're doing.

I was jogging.

I heard about Nick.

That's tough.

That's...nice of you.

Not many people come by
with casseroles

for this sorta thing.

Definitely didn't think
you would.

Well, I, uh --
I don't have a casserole.

Well,
w-w-what was he doing?

I, um...

I heard that he broke
into somebody's house.

Wasn't it
in your neighborhood?

You know...

Yeah.

I guess it was.

Uh...yeah, that's weird.

Mm. Cops have been trying
to get in here, sniff around.

-But I know my rights.
-Yeah. 'Course.

-No warrant, no entry.
-No warrant, no entry.

-Goddamn right.
-Well, there's no telling

what they could pin on him
if they actually got down there.

Qué frickin' Sera
as far as I'm concerned.

Whatever else
they wanna put on him,

I'm sure he's deserves it.

But, you know, eh,

I'm not gonna make
the cops' lives easier

by just lettin' 'em in.

Nicky can deal with them
when he wakes up.

Wakes up?

Didn't you pull the plug?

Yeah.
But he's still hanging on.

I mean, they say it's critical,
but they don't know.

Guys like Nick always
beat the odds somehow.

I'll --

I'll be praying for him.

Yeah.

Nick gets whatever's
coming to him.

I don't know
what he was getting into,

but I know I want
to stay out of it.

Oh, great.
We've been waiting hours.

Cable's out in the pool room,
and the fight's tonight.

Sorry, bro. I'm off-duty.

Looking for a beer.

I tried going to work, but cable
maintenance just feels so...

pointless.

Not if you want to watch
the fight.

I feel...different.

I tried so many things
to make it better.

Napping, sleeping it off,
resting my eyes.

Still...
I'm just not myself.

So, I figured
I'd try a beer.

I've heard worse plans.

It's like
it has no taste.

What did I possibly do
to deserve this

and someone
breaking into my home?

Oh.
You had a break-in?

Yeah, but I got to him
before he could take anything.

I stopped him
right in his tracks.

And what do I get for it?

All of these...feelings.

And beer with no taste.

Life isn't fair, man.

If it were, the universe
would send a cable guy

who'd actually
fix the cable.

Hey, bro, the world
is not unfair, okay?

The world is broken,

and I'm telling you,
it's been broken for awhile.

Foreigner neighbors
steal your packages.

Wives lose your 10% discount
at the liquor store.

Sean Avery eats
in a Worcester restaurant

and doesn't get assaulted.

The world is going to hell
in a hand basket,

and no one's doing
a thing about it.

Thanks, but I don't really
feel like paying

for another tasteless beer.

Good.
This one's on the house.

Why?

'Cause the world
is going to hell.

But you did
something about it.

Damn right.

We need someone
who tells it like it is.

And I got your next one.

Well, alright, then.

I accept.

I can taste it again!

Alright!

Cheers, bud.

I really thought we were dead
when she opened that door.

I've never moved so fast
in my life, I swear.

Ask any gym teacher
I've ever had.

God.

I think this is gonna work.

We're done.
It's done.

Is that even possible?

-Hey, that's littering.
-I gotta quit.

Why not, right?

Hey, this is gonna work.

I know it.

No, something's off.

The way Tammy told me
to not go out of town, it --

she's not done with me.

And Nick is -- is still alive,
by the way.

In a critical coma.

You're just looking
for problems, Barbie.

Even if he does wake up,
who's gonna believe him

when he says
he's not the dealer?

Uh, what about
when he says,

"That broad hired me
to kill her husband"?

Oh, honey,
you are not a broad.

Listen to me.
You're all set, okay?

You're free to go.
I get that.

And you're welcome,
by the way.

But I am still in a deep
pile of shit over here.

You don't
know that for sure.

I know, but
what am I supposed to do?

Just sit around and hope
everything works out?

What's the alternative?

You always make fun of me
for saying "I hope," but --

-I remember once.
-No, but you're right.

It's dangerous.
I need to know.

I need to know
what Tammy's thinking.

I need to know
if she's still onto me.

And how are you
gonna do that?

Like, we need to know
what's going on.

We need to know
what to expect.

What happened last night
cannot happen again.

We need to be
a step ahead.

How are you gonna
do that, Allison?

Next time
you're hanging out,

I want you to look
in that little notebook

that she always writes in and --
and she what it says about me.

Uh, I can't --

Patty, I need
your help, okay?

I hate saying that, but when
I'm alone, I just -- I...

do things like
marry Kevin.

Hey, you and -- you and Tammy
are friends, right?

You're the one that said
that this could be good for us.

It could be useful.

And now it actually is.

I don't know
if I can do it.

Of course you can.
It's not a big deal.

Girlfriends, you know,

go through each other's stuff
all the time.

If she catches you,
you just say,

"Oh, I was borrowing
your lipstick" or something.

You've never had girlfriends,
have you?

I have you.

Right?

Yeah.

Put it higher. I don't know.
He wants it lower.

Oh, good.
Another banner.

Damn right!

Jesus, Kevin.

Well, you seem
back to yourself.

I'm not just myself.

I'm improved, baby!

Impossible, bro.

It all began when I stopped
by the bar for a beer

while I was supposed
to be at work.

Great start.

So, there I was,
surrounded by

a bunch of good,
salt-of-the-earth guys

having their
10:00 a.m. drink,

and I start doing my thing,
you know?

What's your thing?

Telling it like it is.

I thought your thing was
designing classy Red Sox jerseys

you could wear to a funeral.

That's my old thing, Neil.

Telling it like it is
is what I do now,

and these guys --
they loved it.

Before you know it,
I got three free beers

in front of me
with more on the way,

and that's when it happened.

Boom! I felt better!

I felt like myself again!

So you got drunk.

He said 3 beers, Patty,
not 30.

I suddenly understood
why the break-in happened.

You know, like,
what it all means.

I have
a higher calling, babe.

I'm running for office!

That's right.
I'm running for city council.

Kevin McRoberts --
I'm tough on crime,

but soft on the pointless stuff,
like taxes.

Could that be
my campaign slogan?

Damn.

No, no. Not damn to you,
Mrs. Slutsky.

I was obviously referring
to the Hoover.

I'm also tough
on foul language.

Okay.

Can't believe
she bought that.

Oh, Kev, you're in a position
every politician dreams of --

all your constituents
are idiots.

This thing is yours!

Kev, don't you think this whole
thing is, like, kinda lame?

Uh, no.

I think it's classy
and important,

like country clubs
or Jessica Rabbit.

Oh.
Hey, Allison.

I'm happy to se you.

Has everything
about you changed?

Hey, that hottie
Detective Tammy Ridgeway

just called and said
that the guy that broke in here

was some sorta drug dealer,

a real scourge
of our time.

Really?

She told you that
for sure?
Yep.

And I got him
off the streets.

The campaign is off
to a rockin' start!

-You're really running?
-Of course.

It's my life's dream.

Okay, it's just
that you usually, you know,

forget about your life's
dream before lunch.

Give me one example.

Uh, well, three days ago,

your life's dream
was to become a father.

Oh, God.
I forgot.

Man, that was
a close call, too.

Oh,
what a hard week for you.

It's just that I figured out
that my higher purpose is...

fathering the entire community.

And it all begins tonight
at my first campaign event

at the classy
and important Moose Lodge.

You say "classy" a lot.

Uh...do you know
what classy means?

Uh, Kev, bad news.

Looks like the Mooses
have pulled out.

Oh, no.

Hey, listen,
when you get elected,

we revoke their liquor license
as payback.

I-I don't know, Kev.

I think you should probably
just throw in the towel.

He's got a point.

You know, finding a venue,
revoking stuff.

It's -- It's -- It's just a lot
of verbs for you.

That is true.

So, let's forget this whole
"higher purpose" thing

and play
ultimate hide and seek.

No. I know how to handle
a little adversity, okay?

I just need to sit around,
do nothing at all,

and wait for God
to provide a solution.

And He always does.

Like that gun
He put in your back yard.

Exactly. Pew-pew.

Hi.

Hi?

Can I, uh, come in?

Inside here?

No, Kevin is home.
This is not a good time.

It's not like that.
I promise.

He could have opened the door
and it'd be fine.

Thanks.

I, uh...

I like
your coffee table.

It's very MoMa.

Sam, what are you
doing here?

Yeah. Right. Sorry.
I was sort of ramping up

to the apology,
and, um...

I am...

sorry.

You were trying to do
the right thing the other day,

to work on your marriage,

and I-I can't stand
the fact

that we left things like that,
and --

and then I heard
about that guy,

the one who broke in here,
and...

God, if something
ever happened to you,

and the last things we said were
that you thought I didn't --

I'm so sorry.

I had to come by and see
how you were both doing

after everything,

and if you need anything,
don't --

-Wait, what are you doing?
-I don't know.

-We cannot do that here.
-I know.

But I wanted to.

So do I, but that's no reason
to risk blowing up your life.

I mean...

isn't it?

Do you mean that?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I do.

I left Jenn.

You --

Yeah.

I can't stay in that house
anymore.

I couldn't.

And, uh, if you're feeling
that same way, too,

then maybe
this is our chance, you know,

to really be together.

Oh, hey, Allison.

God, do you always have
to enter a room like that?

It's how winners
go through swinging doors.

Oh. Now I know why
you never lasted as a waiter.

You're proving my point.

What kinda winner has ever
worked at a restaurant?

Oh.

Hey, there, Allison's boss
from the diner.

How you doing, Kevin?

I'm a winner, Sal.

Sam.
Even better.

Now, Sam, don't you feel
there's a dire need

for real change
in this neighborhood?

Uh... And I'm talking about
the good kind of change,

the kind that gets things back
to the way they used to be.

I actually like --

Then please,
do the world a favor

and vote for Kevin.

Thanks.
Uh, well, I should get going.

Um, I just came by
to tell Allison

she could take some time off
if she needs it.

It's a little slow right now,
anyways.

Ugh! Wait!

Stroke!
What?

No,
it's not what you think.

Allison is always saying
how your diner is dead.

Devoid of customers.

Slower than a herd of turtles
on a peanut butter race track.

Okay.
Well, I never say that.

It's perfect!

Your diner is the perfect spot
to be my venue!

It's so empty!
Okay.

Well, it's not --But hey, with me,

you'll have a solid stream
of hearty, hungry customers.

Oh, my God.

We'll call it
a "meat and greet"!

Well, maybe Sam
doesn't want --
No, no.

No, like a meat and greet.

Meat like M-E-A-T.

Right,
but maybe Sam doesn't --No, no, no.

Meat, like salami.

Ah!
Sam, it's perfect!

Uh...sure.

I could always use
the business.

Yeah, baby!

The campaign of Kevin
is saved!

Damn it!

He'll be fine.

I always wonder what sucker buys
the product in a salon?

Not many, I guess.

Trust me, there are plenty
of suckers in this town.

It's been a little slow.

Did you even have
any appointments today?

I mean, we could've gone
bowling or something.

I was hoping
for some walk-ins.

When did business
start dying down?

I don't know.

Recently.

I, uh...

heard you caught
your dealer.

The guy who broke
into Allison's house?

Yeah. We got into his house
this morning with a warrant.

His aunt
offered me some coffee,

which I'm pretty sure
was light with cream and spit,

but we got
what we needed.

That's...

great.

So glad to have that lowlife
off the streets.

Well, it's easy to call him
a lowlife,

but he isn't much different
than any other guy in this town.

Hey,
you wanna get outta here?

I could close up shop
a little early

and we could go
to Kevin's campaign event.

Uh, I don't --
I don't know --

Allison's been
texting me updates,

and it seems like one of those
really fun train wrecks.

They're not
my kinda company.

Kevin's an idiot,
but whatever happened

to "lowlifes are people,
too"?

Yeah, um,
I meant Allison.

What?

I just don't get a good
feeling off her.

I'd like to say I trust her
as far as I can throw her,

but she's like this big.

Yeah. Okay.

We can skip watching
the downfall

of the political system
and just hang out.

Maybe go bowling.

Thank you.

Hey,
you got a ladies'?

Yeah,
it's in the back.

Remember,
Kevin McRoberts --

Because the World is
Going to Hell.

Okay.

Okay, yeah, that is not
the campaign slogan, either.

No, no. You gotta
keep it simple, like, uh --

like maybe just your name
with an exclamation point.

Kev!

Hey. Hey.

The ice cream truck, the good
one with the Mickey pops,

it's only four blocks away.

If we haul ass,
we can catch it.

No, Neil,
what have I told you?

I'm done hauling ass.

From now on, I'm putting my ass
in the hands of the people.

You talk a big game,
but I know you, man.

The second you start a game
of ultimate hide and seek

or see
that ice cream truck,

you won't be able
to help yourself.

Kevin McRoberts --
He Can't Help Himself.

You know what, Neil?

Maybe you're right.

Let's play
ultimate hide and go seek.

You hide first.

Yes.

Oh.

Start counting to 3,000,
buddy.

We shoulda started doing
that 10 years ago.

Oh!
There she is.

Our first lady.

Just in time
for your big moment.

Oh. Oh.

You just stand right here,
and look the way you do.

You know,
in my photography days,

we'd call that
"camera meat."

What photography days?

I was a Boston Paparazzo.

Oh, is that why you got punched
in the face by James Taylor?

No.

Hey, aren't those the cops
from the Vic House?

Oh. Yeah.

Kept in touch with them
after my trouncing

of Sean Avery.

And we have Mr. Harrison,

who donated
quite handsomely, too.

Buncha people
from the neighborhood.

Everybody showed
for your boy!

Oh, here we go.

Ready?
And smile.

Thanks, Kevin.

Mrs. McRoberts.
Looks great.

Oh.
God, look at us.

It's perfect.

Like JFK and Jackie O.

But poor.

But that means
I get a Marilyn!

What?

You okay?
Jesus!

-Sorry.
-Yeah, you should be!

-Whoa.
-What -- What the hell
were you thinking,

offering this place?

Oh, it seemed easier
than saying no.

Sam, you can't give
into him like that, okay?

-It's what he's counting on.
-Counting on?

He's not exactly
a puppet master, okay?

It's Kevin.

Sam, "it's Kevin" is why
he gets away with everything.

It's why he always wins.

You say that
like it's destined.

It is!

This whole world is designed
for guys like Kevin

and Pete and Neil!

I don't know that it's --Sam, he shot someone.

Kevin shot someone
in our home,

and the cops
couldn't care less.

They're in there toasting him
right now.

This whole game is rigged!
Fixed!

And I-I should just give up,
you know?

I should -- Why not?
I should just give up...

and run away with you.

You know, we could go to, like,
a lake town or a desert,

where we could be
totally different people.

I could be, like...

Denise, and, uh,

Denise makes her own bowls and
remembers to water her plants.

What?

Being with me
is giving up?

That's not what I --

Right now,
it seems like the right answer.

It seems like it,
but it's not?

I'm offering you
something real.

Something...

You just don't know
how to help yourself, do you?

Oh, right, being
with you is gonna, what?

It's gonna save me?

It'd be an improvement.

Oh. Okay.

Um, you know, Kevin --
when we met,

he got me out
of my parents' house,

because he insisted that we move
in together after two months,

and, so, I guess
I let him save me, too.

I'm not Kevin.

No, I know.

But you know that there
are people who look at me

and they don't see
a charity case?

Who like me like this?

Like this?

Come on, you know you deserve
better than this place,

than those idiots.

You could be...

more.

That's not a compliment.

God, I used to think
it was,

but I am so done
with trying to be more.

This is it.

This should be enough.

What?

Oh, Jumping Jehoshaphat.

Licking Lucifer.

Uh, whoa there.

Is this Fun Allison
rearing her ugly head?

I thought she drowned in that
water park eight years ago.

Babe, cool it.

That is not very
Jackie O behavior.

Yeah, take a page out of
her book and drink alone.

You have,
like, an image now.

You gotta act like
a politician's wife.

Don't you have
a public image?

Uh, yeah.

I'm living it right now.

I'm a man of the people.

I know you think
you're some everyday hero...

but you're just a dick,
Kevin.

Everyday Hero.

I like the sound of that.

Kevin,
that's your campaign slogan!

"Kevin McRoberts --
Everyday Hero."

It's brilliant!

Cheers, everybody!

Everyday Hero!

I told you,
I'm off tonight.

Bram, if you call again,

I'm making you shovel
my walk all winter.

Uh, Patty stepped out
to grab some cigarettes.

Oh.

Sounds familiar.

I can leave her a message
if you want.

Uh...

I -- Well -- You --

Sorry, you're --
you're Officer Ridgeway, right?

Are you here to question
her again, or...

No.

Oh. Um...

I just heard about the break-in,
so I thought I should stop by.

See if I can bring her
a roast chicken or something.

The break-in
was next door.

No, I know, but it's still
pretty traumatic.

Mm, she seems fine.

Good, even.

Actually
you could say

it's the happiest she's been
in years.

Well, good for her.

But you know, actually,
the weirdest thing happened.

I --

When I heard about the break-in,
I wasn't totally surprised.

Since we broke up, I've had
all these questions, you know?

I-I guess I should've been
asking them all along,

but the more I think about
what those questions would be,

the less I think
she'd ever answer them.

But hey, maybe you'll
have more luck.

I'm not a cop, so...

What?

Patty,
please call me back.

Please.

Hey.

You waiting for me?
I've been trying to call you.

I saw.

But I wanted to yell at you
in person.

No, don't.

I am --
I am so sorry.

Do you even know
what you're apologizing for?

-Then it doesn't count!
-Okay.

Well, what did I do?

-Why are you yelling?
-Because.

Because it sucked
what you asked me to do.

With Tammy.

Okay.

Okay, you're right.
I-I am sorry.

But I didn't think of it
as a big ask, you know?

You pistol whipped
a trucker for me,

so you understand
if I, you know,

didn't think it would drain
the favor bank

asking you to look
in a friend's purse.

Allison...

you know.

I know what?

You know, okay?

You know that Tammy is not
just some friend,

and you know why you shouldn't
have asked me to do that.

Well, you never actually
said anything,

and I didn't want
to just assume.

Bullshit! You knew.

And you framed Nick
for me,

not out of the kindness
of your heart,

but you did it so that when you
asked me to betray Tammy,

I'd owe you one.

Okay, that is not true.

And also, "betray her"
is a little strong.

You knew I wouldn't say no,
not to you.

Oh, God.

Did you actually look
in her notebook?

Yes.

And I hate myself for it.

-Uh, what did it say?
-Jesus, Allison!

It said nothing.

I did it for nothing.

She doesn't think that
you want your husband dead.

She thinks we talk too much.
She's jealous.

She called you "meek"
and a "victim."

Clearly,
she doesn't know you.

Okay.

But I can't take back
what I did.

She's the only person
that I have,

and you used it.

You ruined it.

I'm sorry, Tammy's the only
person that you have?

That's a rude thing
to say.

Be rude, Allison.

At least rude is being shitty
out in the open.

Okay. Well, sorry for asking
for your help.

Jesus,
I thought I could.

You know,
isn't that what we do?

We've both done
terrible things,

but we've done them
for each other.

You know, at this point,

I couldn't even tell you
who's done what.

You're the one who tried
to kill her husband.

And you're the one
who helped.

And it was a bust.

So...

clearly, you're better off
with a different accomplice.

Hey, I don't want you around
'cause you're a good accomplice.

You've -- You've raised me
from the dead.

Like, after all this,
you're gonna le--

Without you...

You're...

What?

Ugh.

Okay. Yeah.

You know what?

Never mind.
I'm not gonna ask you for help.

I'm not gonna ask you
for anything.

So, let's just go back
to how it was.

I'll get you a beer, and you'll
say, "Oh, it's not cold enough,"

and that will be the extent
of our sharing, okay?

So, let's just go back
to how it was.

Fine.
Fine.

How dare you?

Oh.

That's right.

I heard everything.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

What do you think
I'm talking about?

Well, I don't know
what you're talking about

unless you know
what you're talking about.

I know
what I'm talking about,

and I know
what you talked about,

and therefore,
what I'm talking about.

Well, now I definitely don't
know what you're talking about.

Please, Allison,
being sardined in the closet

for four hours may cut off
circulation in some places,

but it doesn't
affect my hearing.

Neil, it's not
what you think.

I've been losing feeling
in my left leg

thinking Kevin
was over me,

that I'd hide and he would
never seek me ever again.

But I think I know how to
get back in his good graces.

-No, Neil, don't.
-Hey, that's my phone.

Stop!
Give me that!

-No, stop!
-Give me my phone.

Hey, that's not yours!
Give it to me!

Ahh!
Give me my phone!

No, stop! Ahh!

What the fuck?!

You're not gonna tell
Kevin anything.

You okay?

I'm fine.