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1
00:00:07,706 --> 00:00:09,387
Are we... are we gonna put it
back when we're done with it?
2
00:00:09,445 --> 00:00:11,904
Why? The only thing of value on
it is the secret treasure map.
3
00:00:11,989 --> 00:00:13,784
The rest is just instructions
for running a country,
4
00:00:13,868 --> 00:00:15,051
And I'm pretty sure
they're online.
5
00:00:15,134 --> 00:00:16,378
It just feels a little wrong...
6
00:00:16,461 --> 00:00:18,222
Morty, are you gonna be
a America nerd
7
00:00:18,306 --> 00:00:19,478
Or are you gonna be cool
8
00:00:19,562 --> 00:00:21,501
And steal the constitution
with grandpa?
9
00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:25,812
Here, hold this while I
crack the hermetic seal.
10
00:00:25,896 --> 00:00:27,914
W-Why not
just use this again?
11
00:00:34,841 --> 00:00:36,561
Morty!
You just destroyed the map
12
00:00:36,646 --> 00:00:38,963
And activated the giant assassin
hidden in the statue of Liberty!
13
00:00:39,048 --> 00:00:40,499
I'm sorry...
W-wait, what?
14
00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:42,768
It was a trojan horse, Morty.
Never trust the French.
15
00:00:42,851 --> 00:00:44,503
Alright, fun's fun, but now
the federal government's
16
00:00:44,587 --> 00:00:46,570
Gonna be pissed again.
Way to go.
17
00:00:46,655 --> 00:00:47,905
And on America's birthday
18
00:00:47,990 --> 00:00:49,795
Or whatever the
Thanksgiving is.
19
00:01:18,224 --> 00:01:20,195
*RICK AND MORTY*
Season 05 Episode 06
20
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:21,906
Episode Title: "Rick & Morty's
Thanksploitation Spectacular"
21
00:01:21,989 --> 00:01:23,007
Aired on:
July 25, 2021.
22
00:01:23,091 --> 00:01:24,277
Rick and Morty!
23
00:01:24,361 --> 00:01:25,736
You are under arrest
and surrounded
24
00:01:25,820 --> 00:01:27,128
by an anti-portal shimmer!
25
00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:28,474
Come out
with your hands up!
26
00:01:28,558 --> 00:01:30,414
Well,
happy Thanksgiving to me.
27
00:01:30,498 --> 00:01:33,168
Can't wait to see what
a "shimmer" does to my prostate.
28
00:01:33,252 --> 00:01:35,153
Dad, can you please
just end whatever this is...
29
00:01:35,237 --> 00:01:37,165
I understand you're upset,
Mr. President.
30
00:01:37,250 --> 00:01:38,418
It's honestly
all Morty's fault.
31
00:01:38,502 --> 00:01:40,498
But in the meantime, you really
want to keep your army
32
00:01:40,582 --> 00:01:42,822
of pointlessly camouflaged
eagle scouts off my lawn.
33
00:01:42,906 --> 00:01:44,623
Don't tell me what I want,
you anti-American
34
00:01:44,707 --> 00:01:45,959
Piece of
you terrorist!
35
00:01:46,043 --> 00:01:47,560
You know, you use that word
so much
36
00:01:47,644 --> 00:01:49,027
It's lost all meaning,
Mr. P.
37
00:01:49,111 --> 00:01:50,629
It's like, at this point,
what's a terrorist?
38
00:01:50,713 --> 00:01:52,432
It's a guy you don't like.
Big deal.
39
00:01:52,515 --> 00:01:54,155
Hoo-rah!
40
00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,037
Told you to stand down.
41
00:01:59,121 --> 00:02:01,507
You just lost two soldiers
over here. Good men.
42
00:02:01,591 --> 00:02:03,242
Might be time to look
at the terrorist in the mirror.
43
00:02:03,325 --> 00:02:04,710
You want a war?!
44
00:02:04,795 --> 00:02:06,980
I'll put your outer-space ass
in a goddamn phantom zone
45
00:02:07,063 --> 00:02:08,715
With a bar of kryptonite soap
around your neck.
46
00:02:08,799 --> 00:02:10,650
You're done, Sanchez!
You hear me?
47
00:02:10,734 --> 00:02:12,185
Oof.
He's really pissed this time.
48
00:02:12,269 --> 00:02:13,787
Why don't you guys just
and get it over with.
49
00:02:13,871 --> 00:02:15,054
Okay, well thank you,
summer,
50
00:02:15,138 --> 00:02:16,522
But I think
I've got a better option.
51
00:02:16,606 --> 00:02:17,856
Dad, no.
Ehh...
52
00:02:17,941 --> 00:02:19,391
Hands are tied,
sweetie.
53
00:02:19,475 --> 00:02:20,993
I have to turn myself into
a Turkey and trick the president
54
00:02:21,078 --> 00:02:22,929
Into giving me
a presidential Turkey pardon.
55
00:02:23,013 --> 00:02:25,132
Again? How many times
have you done this?
56
00:02:25,216 --> 00:02:26,665
I don't know, Jerry, how many
years have I lived here?
57
00:02:26,750 --> 00:02:28,134
Careful how you answer that.
58
00:02:28,218 --> 00:02:30,068
Geez, Rick, y'know,
y-you've done this a lot.
59
00:02:30,152 --> 00:02:32,004
Don't you think the president
might see it coming this time?
60
00:02:32,088 --> 00:02:34,807
He probably will, Morty.
That's all part of the dance.
61
00:02:34,891 --> 00:02:36,143
In the past,
I've inserted myself
62
00:02:36,227 --> 00:02:38,276
Into the potential Turkey
pardonee population
63
00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:39,746
By brainwashing
the presidential Turkey wrangler
64
00:02:39,829 --> 00:02:41,280
Prior to the ceremony.
65
00:02:41,364 --> 00:02:43,615
But this time, the Turkey
wrangler's been euthanized
66
00:02:43,699 --> 00:02:44,751
And the turkeys
will be transported
67
00:02:44,835 --> 00:02:46,418
By armored military vehicles.
68
00:02:46,502 --> 00:02:49,956
Vehicles manufactured by ghost
corporations that I control.
69
00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:52,491
- Which we have audited.
- Allowing me access to...
70
00:02:52,575 --> 00:02:53,893
- Central computers...
- To track the...
71
00:02:53,977 --> 00:02:56,295
Real armored transports,
which he can never...
72
00:02:56,378 --> 00:02:57,563
Totally track
and sneak aboard.
73
00:02:57,647 --> 00:02:59,165
And even if he does,
he'll be on a truck
74
00:02:59,250 --> 00:03:01,633
Full of turkeys
and fully armed marines.
75
00:03:01,717 --> 00:03:03,569
Who won't recognize me
because the human eye
76
00:03:03,653 --> 00:03:05,304
Is inherently face blind
to turkeys.
77
00:03:05,388 --> 00:03:08,240
Fortunately, those
marines won't have human eyes.
78
00:03:08,324 --> 00:03:09,842
They'll have Turkey eyes.
79
00:03:09,926 --> 00:03:11,777
Jesus ever-loving Christ,
why don't you two
80
00:03:11,861 --> 00:03:13,712
Just
and get it over with?
81
00:03:13,796 --> 00:03:15,581
Careful, Dwayne.
You're only vice president
82
00:03:15,665 --> 00:03:17,316
Because I need 10%
of the white vote.
83
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,985
There's a giant French assassin
attacking New York,
84
00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:22,188
And you're using the war room
to measure dicks
85
00:03:22,272 --> 00:03:24,390
With your alcoholic
Sci-Fi boyfriend?
86
00:03:24,474 --> 00:03:25,859
Rick Sanchez
is more dangerous
87
00:03:25,943 --> 00:03:27,926
Than some steam-powered
French bitch,
88
00:03:28,010 --> 00:03:29,997
And New York can handle its own
global emergencies.
89
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,986
General?
Initiate operation deep gobble.
90
00:03:35,617 --> 00:03:37,469
Coop,
not on Thanksgiving.
91
00:03:37,554 --> 00:03:38,805
It's what I trained for,
Mary Lou.
92
00:03:38,889 --> 00:03:40,606
It ain't our fight.
Baby.
93
00:03:40,691 --> 00:03:43,210
That little race car driver
you got bakin' in your belly.
94
00:03:43,293 --> 00:03:45,144
What world you want him
rearin' up in?
95
00:03:45,228 --> 00:03:47,747
One where some...
Spiky-haired doctor who
96
00:03:47,831 --> 00:03:49,816
In a lab coat can
change the color of the sky?
97
00:03:49,900 --> 00:03:52,418
Or a world where he can fill
his pickup with hot dogs
98
00:03:52,502 --> 00:03:53,819
And drive it to a jukebox
99
00:03:53,903 --> 00:03:56,288
Full of our demographic's
current favorite music?
100
00:03:56,372 --> 00:03:57,824
Obviously the latter,
but...
101
00:03:57,908 --> 00:04:00,092
Well, that world, Mary Lou,
the one with those meals,
102
00:04:00,176 --> 00:04:03,430
Vehicles, and songs people in
this 30-mile area prefer...
103
00:04:03,514 --> 00:04:05,298
That world needs
a few good men.
104
00:04:05,382 --> 00:04:06,832
In a secret Pentagon lab.
105
00:04:06,917 --> 00:04:08,501
Turning into turkeys.
106
00:04:08,585 --> 00:04:11,058
You come back without feathers,
Coop.
107
00:04:12,425 --> 00:04:14,598
God, I love this country.
108
00:04:16,319 --> 00:04:17,437
Hoooo-ah!
109
00:04:17,521 --> 00:04:19,846
♪ I got a pregnant girl
and a pickup truck ♪
110
00:04:19,930 --> 00:04:21,848
♪ I got one by choice
and the other by luck ♪
111
00:04:21,932 --> 00:04:26,185
♪ but now it's time
to turn into a Turkey ♪
112
00:04:26,269 --> 00:04:28,521
♪ I hope there
can be peace one day ♪
113
00:04:28,605 --> 00:04:30,737
♪ till then, I pray my DNA ♪
114
00:04:30,822 --> 00:04:32,125
♪ gets backed up ♪
115
00:04:32,209 --> 00:04:34,393
These pills
contain tracking chips
116
00:04:34,476 --> 00:04:36,574
That identify each of you
as individuals.
117
00:04:36,658 --> 00:04:39,598
That will be important later.
118
00:04:39,682 --> 00:04:42,000
♪ Gobble, gobble ♪
119
00:04:42,084 --> 00:04:44,338
♪ gobble, gobble ♪
120
00:04:44,422 --> 00:04:48,894
♪ when I turn into a Turkey ♪
121
00:04:54,654 --> 00:04:56,816
Alright, boys,
search every bird.
122
00:04:56,899 --> 00:04:59,153
If Sanchez is here,
I wanna hear you gobblin'.
123
00:04:59,237 --> 00:05:00,754
Let me look at you,
scum.
124
00:05:00,838 --> 00:05:02,154
Get outta here,
you wobbleneck.
125
00:05:02,238 --> 00:05:04,891
Sarge, this... this ain't
like the simulation, man.
126
00:05:04,975 --> 00:05:06,826
I don't like it
keep it together, Martinez.
127
00:05:06,910 --> 00:05:08,161
Eyes are on the ground,
sir.
128
00:05:08,245 --> 00:05:10,497
No sign of Einstein.
Stay frosty, gentlemen.
129
00:05:10,581 --> 00:05:13,966
I want this pardoning pipeline
airtight.
130
00:05:14,050 --> 00:05:15,834
Sir!
We have hacked the garage door.
131
00:05:15,918 --> 00:05:17,637
We are in.
Eyes on the bogey.
132
00:05:17,721 --> 00:05:19,172
Or you've got eyes
on a robot.
133
00:05:19,255 --> 00:05:21,507
All due respect, sir,
I know flesh when I see it!
134
00:05:21,591 --> 00:05:24,242
Those flesh-covered
robots should buy us some time.
135
00:05:24,326 --> 00:05:26,579
The pardonable turkeys
should be on that truck.
136
00:05:26,663 --> 00:05:28,714
Ship, go stealth.
137
00:05:28,798 --> 00:05:31,384
Rodriguez, fincher.
Get eyes on that.
138
00:05:31,468 --> 00:05:33,586
Huh.
Turkey marines.
139
00:05:33,670 --> 00:05:35,187
The president
came to play.
140
00:05:35,271 --> 00:05:36,189
Jam those two radios.
141
00:05:36,273 --> 00:05:37,389
Confirmed.
142
00:05:37,473 --> 00:05:39,514
ah! Geez!
143
00:05:48,685 --> 00:05:50,336
Fincher, Rodriguez, come in!
144
00:05:50,420 --> 00:05:52,004
Copy, copy, tango,
all good.
145
00:05:52,088 --> 00:05:54,874
Just a couple of branches
on the roof.
146
00:05:54,957 --> 00:05:56,675
Don't ever turn your radio
off again.
147
00:05:56,759 --> 00:05:58,276
- We will not surrender.
- We will never surrender.
148
00:05:58,360 --> 00:05:59,879
- We will not surrender.
- Oh, yeah?
149
00:05:59,963 --> 00:06:02,370
Bring in
the David Blaine box.
150
00:06:03,834 --> 00:06:05,485
Damn, is that
a David Blaine box?
151
00:06:05,569 --> 00:06:07,887
I told you we should have just
gone to my parents' house.
152
00:06:07,971 --> 00:06:09,889
No, you didn't.
Well, I didn't say it out loud,
153
00:06:09,973 --> 00:06:11,358
But it should be
well known by now
154
00:06:11,442 --> 00:06:13,091
That I'd always
rather be there.
155
00:06:13,175 --> 00:06:14,427
- Oh, god, oh no!
- Aw, geez, Rick!
156
00:06:14,511 --> 00:06:16,562
Sir, we've got Rick and Morty
inside the box!
157
00:06:16,646 --> 00:06:18,031
Then that confirms it.
Sir?
158
00:06:18,115 --> 00:06:20,899
No David Blaine box
can hold Rick Sanchez.
159
00:06:20,983 --> 00:06:22,300
Scan the Turkey truck!
160
00:06:22,384 --> 00:06:23,370
Huh. That's weird.
161
00:06:23,454 --> 00:06:25,637
ID chips for fincher
and Rodriguez are glitching.
162
00:06:25,721 --> 00:06:26,773
Sanchez...
163
00:06:26,856 --> 00:06:28,574
I'll deal with
this bastard myself.
164
00:06:28,658 --> 00:06:29,776
Sir, don't be a cowboy.
165
00:06:29,860 --> 00:06:31,511
You can't
get re-elected dead.
166
00:06:31,595 --> 00:06:33,112
System is calibrated,
sir.
167
00:06:33,196 --> 00:06:34,913
That pill contains a tracking
chip that will identify...
168
00:06:34,997 --> 00:06:37,183
I know,
it'll be important later!
169
00:06:37,268 --> 00:06:38,737
Do it.
170
00:06:41,672 --> 00:06:42,988
Moments from now,
171
00:06:43,072 --> 00:06:45,512
The president will be
pardoning a Turkey...
172
00:06:47,677 --> 00:06:49,062
Home stretch, Morty.
173
00:06:49,146 --> 00:06:50,997
Here comes dip
right on schedule.
174
00:06:51,081 --> 00:06:53,733
Nothing can go wrong now.
175
00:06:53,817 --> 00:06:54,933
- Jesus, is that...
- Oh
176
00:06:55,018 --> 00:06:56,069
The president
has the upper hand.
177
00:06:56,153 --> 00:06:57,536
G-grandpa up.
Sunglasses on.
178
00:06:57,620 --> 00:06:59,605
Act like a Turkey. What?
Wha... are you scared?
179
00:06:59,689 --> 00:07:01,596
Act like a Turkey!
180
00:07:03,494 --> 00:07:05,012
That's Rodriguez
and fincher, sir.
181
00:07:05,096 --> 00:07:07,747
It's Rick and Morty, you
useless stump humper!
182
00:07:07,831 --> 00:07:10,483
Sorry, don't tell 10% of
your friends I called you that.
183
00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:11,483
Mr. President.
184
00:07:11,567 --> 00:07:13,286
Sanchez, admit it.
You lose.
185
00:07:13,370 --> 00:07:15,440
Say it and I'll let
your loser ass go.
186
00:07:16,706 --> 00:07:18,425
Did you just try to spit
in my face with no saliva gland?
187
00:07:18,509 --> 00:07:20,627
Just pardon me, dick.
Why the hell would I?
188
00:07:20,711 --> 00:07:22,428
Oh, I dunno,
'cause if I move to Canada,
189
00:07:22,512 --> 00:07:23,696
They'll be the best country!
190
00:07:23,779 --> 00:07:25,564
I'll peck your
goddamn eyes out!
191
00:07:25,649 --> 00:07:26,832
Ow!
Hey!
192
00:07:26,917 --> 00:07:28,500
Shit!
My plume!
193
00:07:28,584 --> 00:07:30,437
Hey, back off!
194
00:07:30,521 --> 00:07:32,971
Blueberries!
We got blueberries down!
195
00:07:33,055 --> 00:07:34,973
Hold your positions,
it's a feeding frenzy!
196
00:07:35,057 --> 00:07:36,242
I-I can't see.
197
00:07:36,326 --> 00:07:37,377
I mean, I can see.
198
00:07:37,461 --> 00:07:41,980
270 degrees...
It's too many degrees!
199
00:07:42,064 --> 00:07:44,117
Sir, we are losing
the mental game down here.
200
00:07:44,201 --> 00:07:45,252
Keep it together, soldier!
201
00:07:45,336 --> 00:07:47,608
Potus is still in that pen...
202
00:07:53,944 --> 00:07:55,995
We just lost New York
to France!
203
00:07:56,079 --> 00:07:57,396
Pull out the president
right now!
204
00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:59,531
Gobble tango...
I want potus out of that pen!
205
00:07:59,615 --> 00:08:02,334
That is an order!
Locate the president's chip!
206
00:08:02,418 --> 00:08:03,670
Roger, Roger.
207
00:08:03,754 --> 00:08:05,004
There he is, I got him.
208
00:08:05,088 --> 00:08:07,661
Let's go, boys!
Let's fly out the eagle!
209
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:10,076
Hey, that's not me!
210
00:08:10,161 --> 00:08:13,879
Package is secure.
Pull us out.
211
00:08:13,963 --> 00:08:17,437
Reinjecting subject DNA.
212
00:08:24,574 --> 00:08:27,627
Hoppin' jehovah, you look
like five pounds of shit
213
00:08:27,711 --> 00:08:28,961
In a whore's lunchbox.
214
00:08:29,045 --> 00:08:30,963
You alright,
Mr. President?
215
00:08:31,048 --> 00:08:32,631
Yes.
I am...
216
00:08:32,716 --> 00:08:33,899
The president.
217
00:08:33,984 --> 00:08:36,369
Clean his ass up
and get him to the war room.
218
00:08:36,452 --> 00:08:37,770
Hey!
Gobble squad!
219
00:08:37,855 --> 00:08:39,591
You got the wrong guy,
you morons!
220
00:08:40,657 --> 00:08:42,841
Look at this dumb piece
of . Gobbling away.
221
00:08:42,926 --> 00:08:44,510
Get back in there!
222
00:08:44,595 --> 00:08:47,514
Alright boys, you heard the vp.
Pardon is tits up.
223
00:08:47,597 --> 00:08:49,504
Pack up and ship out!
224
00:08:51,802 --> 00:08:53,919
As for you, Sanchez...
225
00:08:54,004 --> 00:08:56,110
Bon appétit.
226
00:08:58,274 --> 00:08:59,993
Where is
this elevator going?
227
00:09:00,076 --> 00:09:02,394
Where all the
unchosen turkeys go.
228
00:09:02,479 --> 00:09:04,519
The feeding chamber.
229
00:09:07,618 --> 00:09:09,001
What the
is that?
230
00:09:09,086 --> 00:09:11,138
Not what... Who.
231
00:09:11,221 --> 00:09:14,206
The only thing to fear is...
Me!
232
00:09:14,291 --> 00:09:15,607
How the does
the white house
233
00:09:15,692 --> 00:09:17,476
Have a cloned spider
of fdr?
234
00:09:17,561 --> 00:09:19,077
It's no clone,
it's fdr.
235
00:09:19,162 --> 00:09:20,613
He was a Guinea pig
for the polio vaccine.
236
00:09:20,697 --> 00:09:22,950
We asked ourselves
"what walks the most?"
237
00:09:23,033 --> 00:09:24,750
"We?"
you're taking credit for this?
238
00:09:24,835 --> 00:09:28,020
The office comes with baggage,
Morty.
239
00:09:28,105 --> 00:09:29,221
Rick,
I'm afraid to die!
240
00:09:29,306 --> 00:09:30,557
You won't have to be for long,
Morty!
241
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:31,957
We're due to return
to human form any second!
242
00:09:32,042 --> 00:09:33,225
Then what?
243
00:09:33,309 --> 00:09:34,961
Then we just have to not
get eaten by the spider!
244
00:09:35,046 --> 00:09:36,629
Oh, so in other words,
be afraid to die?
245
00:09:36,713 --> 00:09:38,498
Morty, if winning an argument
is that important to you,
246
00:09:38,581 --> 00:09:39,432
You were never alive!
247
00:09:39,515 --> 00:09:42,301
Time for a new deal...
Murder!
248
00:09:42,384 --> 00:09:44,370
I'm sick of hearing
how iconic you were!
249
00:09:44,455 --> 00:09:48,106
Try having an historical
administration after Facebook
250
00:09:48,191 --> 00:09:51,244
Goes online,
you old-timey bitch!
251
00:09:51,327 --> 00:09:53,779
Morty,
tear open that panel!
252
00:09:53,864 --> 00:09:56,135
How's this
for a fireside chat?
253
00:09:59,201 --> 00:10:00,452
Woof.
You just killed fdr.
254
00:10:00,537 --> 00:10:01,988
He was a monster,
though.
255
00:10:02,072 --> 00:10:03,722
Don't mythologize him.
He was a politician.
256
00:10:03,807 --> 00:10:05,993
Speaking of, you kind of saved
our bacon there,
257
00:10:06,076 --> 00:10:07,259
So I'll make you a deal.
258
00:10:07,344 --> 00:10:09,110
You pardon us
and I'll make you human.
259
00:10:09,195 --> 00:10:10,398
Wrong Turkey.
260
00:10:10,547 --> 00:10:12,820
Man,
the face blindness is real.
261
00:10:13,995 --> 00:10:15,960
I'd like these...
Men...
262
00:10:16,043 --> 00:10:17,629
Turned back into humans,
please.
263
00:10:17,713 --> 00:10:19,298
Uh, yes, of course,
Mr. President.
264
00:10:19,381 --> 00:10:21,634
But I thought we
already rehumanized
265
00:10:21,717 --> 00:10:22,836
All the turkified marines.
266
00:10:22,919 --> 00:10:25,971
I'd like these men
turned back into humans.
267
00:10:26,054 --> 00:10:27,039
I am the president.
268
00:10:27,124 --> 00:10:28,307
Yes, sir.
Uh, sure thing.
269
00:10:28,390 --> 00:10:32,846
Increase their strength
by 1,000%.
270
00:10:32,929 --> 00:10:35,048
But...
That wouldn't be human.
271
00:10:35,131 --> 00:10:39,317
Turkeys have always been
more than human.
272
00:10:39,402 --> 00:10:43,110
Okay, uh, so right there,
now I'm starting to...
273
00:10:44,006 --> 00:10:48,461
I am selling New York
to France.
274
00:10:48,544 --> 00:10:51,884
And giving all of the money
to congress.
275
00:10:53,283 --> 00:10:54,600
Now that's how you do it!
276
00:10:54,683 --> 00:10:56,756
He became president today.
277
00:10:58,888 --> 00:11:00,072
That's right, murmur!
278
00:11:00,157 --> 00:11:01,541
And when you're done,
get me some pants.
279
00:11:01,625 --> 00:11:04,208
If you're the president,
who the hell have we been
280
00:11:04,293 --> 00:11:06,546
Governing the country with
for the last three hours?
281
00:11:06,629 --> 00:11:08,280
An impostor, you good
for nothing idiot!
282
00:11:08,365 --> 00:11:10,349
You humanized
the wrong Turkey!
283
00:11:10,432 --> 00:11:11,551
It's possible.
284
00:11:11,634 --> 00:11:13,753
We shouldn't leave
anything to chance.
285
00:11:13,836 --> 00:11:17,690
Wouldn't want congress working
with the wrong president.
286
00:11:17,774 --> 00:11:20,293
A very good point,
Mr. President.
287
00:11:20,376 --> 00:11:22,095
Do we believe
this fine feathered,
288
00:11:22,178 --> 00:11:24,496
Collaborative gentleman
to be our commander-in-chief?
289
00:11:24,581 --> 00:11:27,900
Or are we gonna let "Mr. Cash
bar at the Christmas party"
290
00:11:27,985 --> 00:11:29,168
Stay in office?
291
00:11:29,251 --> 00:11:32,037
All in favor of
Turkey president?
292
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:33,238
You can't be serious.
293
00:11:33,322 --> 00:11:34,573
You think he cares
about America?
294
00:11:34,658 --> 00:11:36,909
Is that why this is happening
to you?
295
00:11:36,994 --> 00:11:40,513
Because you cared
about America?
296
00:11:40,596 --> 00:11:42,715
Guards, these men are...
297
00:11:42,798 --> 00:11:43,783
Oh, what is the word?
298
00:11:43,866 --> 00:11:45,183
Uh, terrorists.
299
00:11:45,268 --> 00:11:48,187
Okay, screw this.
Go, go, Sanchez laser fists.
300
00:11:48,270 --> 00:11:51,124
Oh I was a Turkey
for a while, wasn't I?
301
00:11:51,207 --> 00:11:52,926
Okay, guy's pretty strong.
302
00:11:53,009 --> 00:11:55,115
Mary Todd Lincoln!
303
00:11:57,813 --> 00:11:59,884
Who's dead weight now,
bitch?
304
00:12:05,221 --> 00:12:07,340
You should regain feeling
in your ass in a minute.
305
00:12:07,423 --> 00:12:08,942
Sorry my turrets
blew up your motorcycle.
306
00:12:09,025 --> 00:12:10,610
Just give me
some goddamn clothes.
307
00:12:10,693 --> 00:12:12,745
Must suck to have your only
safe haven be my house.
308
00:12:12,830 --> 00:12:14,147
Y-you want
your regular outfit
309
00:12:14,230 --> 00:12:15,548
Or should we dress you
like a terrorist?
310
00:12:15,631 --> 00:12:17,549
I don't need to be here,
and I'm still the president.
311
00:12:17,634 --> 00:12:19,485
Oh, glad to hear it. That means
you can give me that pardon.
312
00:12:19,568 --> 00:12:21,153
Or... or I could put you
out with the trash.
313
00:12:21,238 --> 00:12:23,155
What is your problem?!
Why do you hate this country?
314
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,224
I hate every country
in the universe, brother!
315
00:12:25,307 --> 00:12:26,491
They're job placement
programs
316
00:12:26,576 --> 00:12:28,092
For the politicians
that invent them...
317
00:12:28,177 --> 00:12:29,495
Okay,
fight club.
318
00:12:29,578 --> 00:12:31,965
I get paid to protect
the sidelines you sit on!
319
00:12:32,048 --> 00:12:33,765
You get paid
to make sports metaphors!
320
00:12:33,850 --> 00:12:35,100
I clean your litterbox!
321
00:12:35,183 --> 00:12:37,235
So your little nerd paws
don't have to touch
322
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,371
Another nerd's nerdy poopies
while you're flexing
323
00:12:39,456 --> 00:12:41,506
Your grody little edge lord anus
all over it!
324
00:12:41,591 --> 00:12:43,709
Guys, maybe you're both right
and both wrong.
325
00:12:43,793 --> 00:12:45,177
- Shut up, Morty!
- Shut up, Morty!
326
00:12:45,261 --> 00:12:46,980
You little bitch, you destroyed
the constitution.
327
00:12:47,063 --> 00:12:48,380
You're the biggest
booger eater here!
328
00:12:48,465 --> 00:12:51,115
Do not talk to my son
that way.
329
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:52,384
Sorry, Mrs. Smith.
330
00:12:52,469 --> 00:12:53,986
The two of you
are ruining Thanksgiving.
331
00:12:54,071 --> 00:12:55,321
Together.
332
00:12:55,404 --> 00:12:56,721
And you can both either
come to the table
333
00:12:56,806 --> 00:12:58,191
And eat food with my family
334
00:12:58,274 --> 00:13:01,461
Or you can keep doing what
you're doing at the corner bar.
335
00:13:01,544 --> 00:13:03,596
Bars actually suck
at Thanksgiving.
336
00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:05,931
I'm still trying to
sort through this.
337
00:13:06,014 --> 00:13:07,600
One of you wishes you had
the personal quality
338
00:13:07,683 --> 00:13:09,335
Known as courage
339
00:13:09,418 --> 00:13:11,269
But the other two of you
want actual vital organs?
340
00:13:11,354 --> 00:13:13,873
This Charlie Kaufman reboot
of "wizard of oz"
341
00:13:13,956 --> 00:13:15,341
Is destroying itself.
342
00:13:15,424 --> 00:13:16,676
That's why I need a brain!
343
00:13:16,759 --> 00:13:20,144
I'm doing a terrible job
writing this!
344
00:13:20,229 --> 00:13:22,682
Pass the potatoes.
345
00:13:22,765 --> 00:13:24,549
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
346
00:13:24,634 --> 00:13:26,019
Good green beans, mom.
347
00:13:26,102 --> 00:13:28,221
The Turkey's raw, dad.
Shit's potato bunz.
348
00:13:28,304 --> 00:13:30,288
Sorry, summer,
the United States enclosed us
349
00:13:30,373 --> 00:13:32,692
In a shimmer bubble
that scrambled my oven timer.
350
00:13:32,775 --> 00:13:35,227
So I guess elections
do have consequences.
351
00:13:35,312 --> 00:13:38,096
Eat my ass, Jerry.
I've seen your IRS records.
352
00:13:38,181 --> 00:13:40,232
You can blame me
once you have taxable income.
353
00:13:40,317 --> 00:13:42,034
yes, Jerry is
a piece of.
354
00:13:42,119 --> 00:13:43,769
I agree.
355
00:13:43,852 --> 00:13:45,571
Um, guys?
What's that?
356
00:13:45,654 --> 00:13:47,840
Paula, as you can see,
president Curtis has enacted
357
00:13:47,923 --> 00:13:50,174
A plan to turn
all turkeys in America
358
00:13:50,259 --> 00:13:51,576
Into hybrid super soldiers.
359
00:13:51,661 --> 00:13:53,513
The move has 100% approval
from congress
360
00:13:53,596 --> 00:13:55,914
Following its third pay raise
in six hours.
361
00:13:55,999 --> 00:13:57,068
Back to you.
362
00:14:01,269 --> 00:14:03,056
My god,
the bastard's unhinged!
363
00:14:03,139 --> 00:14:04,857
There won't be a single bird
left in DC!
364
00:14:04,942 --> 00:14:07,592
Oh, wow, wiping out a native
population on Thanksgiving?
365
00:14:07,677 --> 00:14:10,129
That's never happened before.
What did you just say?
366
00:14:10,212 --> 00:14:11,931
Well, I-I associated
Thanksgiving with genocide.
367
00:14:12,014 --> 00:14:14,133
It's what young people do.
I wasn't trying to...
368
00:14:14,216 --> 00:14:15,668
The crypt
of the new world.
369
00:14:15,751 --> 00:14:18,071
That could be our one chance
to turn this thing around.
370
00:14:18,154 --> 00:14:19,337
You know
about the crypt?
371
00:14:19,422 --> 00:14:21,005
Ugh, so the treasure's
already gone.
372
00:14:21,090 --> 00:14:23,275
Wait, is that why you were
stealing the constitution?
373
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:24,543
You old fart dick.
374
00:14:24,628 --> 00:14:26,278
The crypt of the new world
isn't a treasure.
375
00:14:26,363 --> 00:14:28,013
But it might be our only hope.
Come on.
376
00:14:28,096 --> 00:14:30,082
But isn't the crypt
underneath DC?
377
00:14:30,167 --> 00:14:31,750
The Turkey president's
got an army.
378
00:14:31,835 --> 00:14:33,485
An actual army.
And an air force.
379
00:14:33,570 --> 00:14:34,754
And marines...
Slow down, Morty.
380
00:14:34,837 --> 00:14:36,422
Walk us through
every military service.
381
00:14:36,505 --> 00:14:37,490
Does somebody have a pen?
382
00:14:37,573 --> 00:14:38,957
We've got something
more powerful
383
00:14:39,042 --> 00:14:40,559
Than every army
in the world.
384
00:14:40,644 --> 00:14:42,827
Well, no, we don't,
but with the right speech,
385
00:14:42,912 --> 00:14:44,697
We could get a handful
of well-trained hillbillies.
386
00:14:44,780 --> 00:14:46,921
Eh, it worked against
the British. I'm in.
387
00:14:47,917 --> 00:14:49,434
Birds replacin' people.
388
00:14:49,519 --> 00:14:51,836
What would Johnny cash
or Dale earnhardt say?
389
00:14:51,921 --> 00:14:54,239
He'd say "it's time
to walk the line"
390
00:14:54,322 --> 00:14:56,240
Or "drive very fast
between two of them."
391
00:14:56,325 --> 00:14:58,043
We don't serve
your kind here.
392
00:14:58,126 --> 00:14:59,578
Oh, my god,
are you serious?
393
00:14:59,663 --> 00:15:01,114
Read the sign.
394
00:15:01,197 --> 00:15:02,248
He's my boss, Marvin.
395
00:15:02,331 --> 00:15:03,316
It's okay.
396
00:15:03,399 --> 00:15:05,918
Mistrusting presidents
is a patriotic duty.
397
00:15:06,003 --> 00:15:07,519
And that guy on TV
isn't me.
398
00:15:07,604 --> 00:15:09,923
He's a Turkey
infused with my DNA.
399
00:15:10,006 --> 00:15:12,312
I'll be damned.
400
00:15:14,344 --> 00:15:15,660
Well,
I'm racist.
401
00:15:15,745 --> 00:15:17,996
You better not be here
to take my man again.
402
00:15:18,081 --> 00:15:19,731
- Mary Lou.
- I'm poor!
403
00:15:19,816 --> 00:15:20,865
And pregnant!
404
00:15:20,950 --> 00:15:22,000
With a poor person!
405
00:15:22,085 --> 00:15:23,336
And I need you.
406
00:15:23,419 --> 00:15:24,937
And 10% of your baby.
407
00:15:25,022 --> 00:15:28,740
Now, look, I know it's gonna
take more than some speech.
408
00:15:28,825 --> 00:15:30,408
But what is a speech?
409
00:15:30,493 --> 00:15:32,278
Isn't it just a question?
410
00:15:32,361 --> 00:15:34,078
And isn't that a question too?
411
00:15:34,163 --> 00:15:35,615
Speeches are words.
412
00:15:35,698 --> 00:15:36,750
Repeated words.
413
00:15:36,834 --> 00:15:38,150
Listed words.
414
00:15:38,235 --> 00:15:39,952
Repeated lists
of repeated words.
415
00:15:40,037 --> 00:15:41,486
None of that matters.
416
00:15:41,571 --> 00:15:42,888
You know what does matter?
417
00:15:42,971 --> 00:15:45,090
Me. Asking you.
418
00:15:45,173 --> 00:15:47,626
"Will you do what I say?"
419
00:15:47,711 --> 00:15:49,761
Just two questions,
chief.
420
00:15:49,846 --> 00:15:52,966
Lock?
And load?
421
00:15:53,049 --> 00:15:54,099
They're rhetorical, sir!
422
00:15:54,182 --> 00:15:55,453
Lock and load!
423
00:16:05,193 --> 00:16:07,712
Sir, we've got Rick and Morty
coming in what appears to be
424
00:16:07,797 --> 00:16:09,715
An unlicensed
"star wars" at-at.
425
00:16:09,798 --> 00:16:12,317
Or as the millennials say,
a-t, a-t.
426
00:16:12,402 --> 00:16:13,653
So it begins.
427
00:16:13,736 --> 00:16:14,653
Gobblers!
428
00:16:14,738 --> 00:16:16,408
Tonight, we rise!
429
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,019
Aww, geez, geez, geez.
430
00:16:28,017 --> 00:16:29,335
Nice driving, Sanchez.
431
00:16:29,418 --> 00:16:31,070
Wire's down,
pen is clear.
432
00:16:31,153 --> 00:16:32,471
You know the goddamn rules!
433
00:16:32,554 --> 00:16:33,739
If you see something clucking
or pecking,
434
00:16:33,822 --> 00:16:35,696
Put a buckshot
in its panties.
435
00:16:49,306 --> 00:16:51,823
Jesus Christ!
T-they got Johnson!
436
00:16:51,908 --> 00:16:53,359
He got off easy.
437
00:16:53,442 --> 00:16:55,515
Hold off the bastards!
438
00:16:57,046 --> 00:16:57,897
What now, Rick?
439
00:16:57,980 --> 00:16:59,784
Time to turn up
the broiler.
440
00:17:06,189 --> 00:17:07,440
Whoa, I-is that...
441
00:17:07,523 --> 00:17:10,064
The crypt of
the new world.
442
00:17:10,993 --> 00:17:14,913
The treasure you were after
is this country's oldest secret.
443
00:17:14,998 --> 00:17:19,440
One disguised by centuries
of Thanksgiving folklore.
444
00:17:21,671 --> 00:17:24,057
Is that...
A Turkey dinosaur?
445
00:17:24,141 --> 00:17:25,458
America's original rulers.
446
00:17:25,541 --> 00:17:28,794
Merciless beasts, grazing on
the flesh of cowering humans.
447
00:17:28,877 --> 00:17:31,730
Then, in the 15th century,
a vessel crashed.
448
00:17:31,815 --> 00:17:32,531
Two vessels, really.
449
00:17:32,615 --> 00:17:35,468
On board...
Our saviors.
450
00:17:35,551 --> 00:17:39,090
Sanchez, pull that lever
at the same time I do.
451
00:17:49,165 --> 00:17:51,215
Oh
they're gonna fight!
452
00:17:51,299 --> 00:17:52,751
No, wait, they love each other!
453
00:17:52,836 --> 00:17:54,487
They were at war
when they arrived,
454
00:17:54,570 --> 00:17:56,890
But they united over
their hatred of turkeys.
455
00:17:56,973 --> 00:17:59,157
And what they love even more
than each other
456
00:17:59,241 --> 00:18:00,894
Is kicking Turkey butt.
457
00:18:00,978 --> 00:18:02,020
Gentlemen!
458
00:18:02,105 --> 00:18:04,617
Ba'ruka dar tin'in yo-tei!
459
00:18:07,851 --> 00:18:10,923
Coooooooooorn!
460
00:18:16,326 --> 00:18:17,710
It's working!
461
00:18:17,794 --> 00:18:20,634
Come on, Sanchez, let's power
down the humanizer ray.
462
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:26,384
Whose side are we on?
463
00:18:26,469 --> 00:18:29,143
I don't know, but we've done
enough to pay for college.
464
00:18:30,073 --> 00:18:31,656
Look, we're almost there.
465
00:18:31,740 --> 00:18:34,527
Sorry,
my turn for a surprise.
466
00:18:34,611 --> 00:18:36,596
Damn, this guy loves
arriving from the shadows.
467
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,064
Look around. You can't
beat our ancient warriors.
468
00:18:39,147 --> 00:18:42,468
Can't I? My kind has always
dealt with predators.
469
00:18:42,551 --> 00:18:44,537
That's why
we sleep in trees.
470
00:18:44,621 --> 00:18:48,026
And that's why, in the wild,
we fly.
471
00:18:49,959 --> 00:18:51,876
Now you must choose...
472
00:18:51,961 --> 00:18:54,547
Fight me,
or stop that weapon from turning
473
00:18:54,631 --> 00:18:58,017
All of America's turkeys
into a new master race.
474
00:18:58,101 --> 00:18:59,618
You dumb dip ,
there's three of us,
475
00:18:59,702 --> 00:19:00,953
And two of us
are spacemen.
476
00:19:01,038 --> 00:19:02,756
Obviously they're gonna
save America
477
00:19:02,839 --> 00:19:04,222
And bring that
monument home,
478
00:19:04,307 --> 00:19:06,159
And I'm gonna
kick your ass.
479
00:19:06,242 --> 00:19:07,425
Oh, and, Sanchez?
480
00:19:07,509 --> 00:19:08,760
You got your pardon.
Aw.
481
00:19:08,845 --> 00:19:10,895
Shut up, Morty.
Come on.
482
00:19:10,980 --> 00:19:12,365
Let's go, bitch.
483
00:19:12,449 --> 00:19:14,555
So be it.
484
00:19:16,053 --> 00:19:17,435
Is it true
what Turkey man said?
485
00:19:17,519 --> 00:19:18,703
That turkeys
sleep in trees?
486
00:19:18,788 --> 00:19:19,772
Who the hell cares,
Morty?
487
00:19:19,856 --> 00:19:21,641
Let's just deactivate
this
488
00:19:21,724 --> 00:19:23,509
Calibrating.
489
00:19:23,593 --> 00:19:25,644
Targeting all American turkeys.
490
00:19:25,729 --> 00:19:27,180
Oh, my god,
they gave it a voice?
491
00:19:27,263 --> 00:19:29,848
Who is this for?
We're in space.
492
00:19:29,932 --> 00:19:31,651
Geez, Rick,
I-I-I guess them?
493
00:19:31,734 --> 00:19:32,986
Morty, use this carefully.
494
00:19:33,069 --> 00:19:34,586
Crack the humanizer core
and cut the blue wire.
495
00:19:34,671 --> 00:19:35,855
You hear me?
Blue wire.
496
00:19:35,939 --> 00:19:37,323
Wha... why don't we
just blow it up?
497
00:19:37,406 --> 00:19:38,657
It's a national monument,
nut!
498
00:19:38,741 --> 00:19:39,924
We just got pardoned.
499
00:19:40,009 --> 00:19:42,249
You really wanna do this again
next year?
500
00:19:46,816 --> 00:19:48,133
You forgot something,
Turkey man.
501
00:19:48,217 --> 00:19:50,670
No matter what you got people
to believe,
502
00:19:50,753 --> 00:19:52,938
I'm still
the goddamn president.
503
00:19:53,021 --> 00:19:56,342
And you forget, in the one day
I've had your job,
504
00:19:56,425 --> 00:19:58,611
I've learned
10 times as much.
505
00:19:58,694 --> 00:20:00,278
I've underestimated you.
506
00:20:00,363 --> 00:20:02,300
For the last time.
507
00:20:06,903 --> 00:20:09,021
Rick, they're not exactly
primary colors!
508
00:20:09,105 --> 00:20:11,023
A-are... are we cool with, like,
t-turquoise?
509
00:20:11,107 --> 00:20:13,511
Are you kidding me, Morty?
Just cut the damn thing!
510
00:20:14,576 --> 00:20:17,896
Oh, shit, oh...
511
00:20:17,980 --> 00:20:20,298
Targets acquired.
Activating weapon.
512
00:20:20,383 --> 00:20:23,435
Oh, shit! Oooooooh!
513
00:20:23,519 --> 00:20:25,238
Heritage destroyed.
514
00:20:25,321 --> 00:20:26,894
Morty!
515
00:20:28,724 --> 00:20:31,231
God damn it,
you had one job!
516
00:20:38,935 --> 00:20:39,919
I beat you.
517
00:20:40,002 --> 00:20:42,339
Look at me,
you Turkey ass bitch.
518
00:20:43,740 --> 00:20:45,391
Wait, why are you...
519
00:20:45,474 --> 00:20:47,192
Is that a wishbone?
520
00:20:47,277 --> 00:20:49,480
I wish to explode.
521
00:20:56,153 --> 00:20:57,802
The Berlin wall has come down.
522
00:20:57,886 --> 00:20:59,137
It's called the PlayStation.
523
00:20:59,221 --> 00:21:01,074
The winner is...
"Shakespeare in love."
524
00:21:01,157 --> 00:21:02,741
- PlayStation 2.
- Hurricane Katrina
525
00:21:02,826 --> 00:21:04,743
- Slams Louisiana...
- PlayStation 3.
526
00:21:04,827 --> 00:21:06,211
- This is maroon five...
- PlayStation 4.
527
00:21:06,296 --> 00:21:10,236
- The cubbies win!
- I want a PlayStation 5.
528
00:21:11,233 --> 00:21:12,751
I wasn't sure when
to pull you out.
529
00:21:12,836 --> 00:21:15,019
I-I assumed you were running
through your whole life.
530
00:21:15,104 --> 00:21:16,221
Yes.
531
00:21:16,305 --> 00:21:18,022
And what a life it was.
532
00:21:18,106 --> 00:21:21,560
Gentlemen, thank you once again
for saving this nation.
533
00:21:21,644 --> 00:21:23,628
Slloosh garg blurrg.
534
00:21:23,712 --> 00:21:24,897
I don't speak googa.
535
00:21:24,981 --> 00:21:27,299
The CIA only taught me
your activation phrase.
536
00:21:27,384 --> 00:21:28,634
But if I could say
anything...
537
00:21:28,718 --> 00:21:32,826
I'd say give America
one more chance.
538
00:21:34,590 --> 00:21:38,111
Kalaak 'ha
benben prilo garg.
539
00:21:38,194 --> 00:21:41,035
Oh, my god, they're gonna fight.
Th-they're really gonna fight.
540
00:21:41,798 --> 00:21:43,782
- Aw, they love each other!
- Never gets old.
541
00:21:43,866 --> 00:21:45,250
I'll never get tired
of that.
542
00:21:45,335 --> 00:21:47,519
So... After those aliens
discovered America...
543
00:21:47,604 --> 00:21:49,122
They went into
hibernation,
544
00:21:49,205 --> 00:21:52,657
Leaving us the technology
we used to lead the free world.
545
00:21:52,741 --> 00:21:54,859
That and also to do stuff
like slavery.
546
00:21:54,943 --> 00:21:56,796
I always thought we were...
More special than that.
547
00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,798
Like we invented everything
and did everything
548
00:21:58,882 --> 00:22:00,398
And that's why
we own everything.
549
00:22:00,482 --> 00:22:02,535
Now I-I-I-I don't know
what to feel.
550
00:22:02,618 --> 00:22:04,470
Feel thankful, Morty.
551
00:22:04,554 --> 00:22:06,291
Feel thankful.
552
00:22:37,653 --> 00:22:39,572
I know, baby.
553
00:22:39,655 --> 00:22:42,575
Coop, honey, should we get
lucky charms or kibble bibbitz?
554
00:22:42,659 --> 00:22:44,309
You know
we can't afford either.
555
00:22:44,394 --> 00:22:47,180
Baby, the president owes you.
You saved him.
556
00:22:47,263 --> 00:22:48,781
Ain't his fault our insurance
got cut.
557
00:22:48,865 --> 00:22:50,182
They gotta build missiles.
558
00:22:50,267 --> 00:22:53,874
Ugh, fine, just... can y'all
hold jakey for a second?
559
00:23:03,624 --> 00:23:05,086
What the hell's he doin?
560
00:23:05,171 --> 00:23:06,374
I think he's foraging.
561
00:23:06,458 --> 00:23:08,192
Crazy bastard thinks
he's a Turkey.
562
00:23:08,276 --> 00:23:10,544
Well, I refuse to pay
for this man's health care.
563
00:23:16,553 --> 00:23:18,159
Did you get any of that?
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