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♪ Well, well, well, well ♪

♪ Well, I don't pack pickles
in my pockets ♪

♪ I keep my socks on my feet ♪

♪ I may be short and white,
but I got one thing right ♪

♪ My love's bigger
than you think ♪

♪ My love is bigger
than you think ♪

♪ Like a Hindenburg model
done in pink ♪

♪ It could go anytime,
so got a kitchen sink ♪

♪ My love is bigger
than you think ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ People talk,
what do they know? ♪

♪ They speak of hands and
fingers and feets and toes ♪

♪ Speculate my height ♪

♪ Or shades of black and white ♪

♪ But that don't mean a thing ♪

♪ My love is bigger
than you think ♪

♪ Like a Hindenburg model
done up in pink ♪

♪ This here fine healthy man
with an overactive gland ♪

♪ My love is bigger
than you think ♪

♪ Tales of prowess,
they're anyone's guess ♪

♪ Like stains
on bathroom walls ♪

♪ Your dreamy night
with a friend ♪

♪ Abruptly comes to an end ♪

♪ Then you scream out ♪

♪ Baby, that's all ♪

Uh-uh.

Mmm.

Ohh. Ohh.

- Ohh.
- Mmm.

[Radio clicks on]
♪ My love is bigger
than you think ♪

Oh shit. Sorry.

[Music stops]

[Man exhales]
Uhh.

No, no, no, no.
Morning breath.

[Both moaning]

Come on, kiss me.

No.

[Moans]

Yeah. Mmm.

Come on.

[Moaning]

Ugh!

[Vomiting]

Listerine, the only thing
to reach for

before the snooze button.

Idea to run by Procter & Gamble.

Genius. Pure genius.

The client will
love that, as usual.

Coffee?

Never touch the stuff.

Oh, right.

Freak.

How come every guy I know
gets totally turned on

by the idea of 2 girls
going at it,

but I don't know any girls
that get excited

about 2 guys doing it?

Maybe you don't know
the right girls.

For instance, supermodel
of the minute Amber.

Ah.

What is up with that?
You can't walk 10 feet in this city

without seeing some
ridiculous hottie.

And if they don't know you,
they don't want to know you.

Right. It's like
you don't even exist.

And even if they do look,

and you don't come up
with something really witty

right there on the spot
to get their attention...

They're gone forever.
Never see 'em again.

Ohh, add her to my slide show.

Slide show? You don't
need a slide show,

I need a slide show.
You get the white out every night.

Actually, I got it out this morning.

- That babe from the awards dinner?
- Yep.

Why can't I win an award
in front of 300 hot women?

What was her name, anyway?

Anyone actually get
any work done here?

Actually, we're pretty much
the hottest shop in town right now.

Bookings are bigger
than ever this year.

New accounts are coming in faster
than we can handle them.

Which is, I'm sure,
why they brought you in.

Is that why? I was beginning to wonder.

The best part is there's, like,
young hot guys everywhere.

What, all the creatives?

How did you know that?

Just a hunch.

Hmm. Is this subliminal advertising?

Well, actually, it's one
of our biggest accounts.

Subtle.

Ohh.

I think it started
with a "d."

It was like Deanna,
Diana, or Donna...

So, whatever, so, listen,

I get this blind date
the other night, right?

And the girl that sets
me up is, like, a friend

of a friend of somebody
who I don't even know.

So, it's like a deaf,
dumb, and blind date?

Right. And so this girl
who's, like, a full-on...

Jap, by the way, I mean,
total Long Island drawl and everything,

says to me, and I quote,

"She looks like a model."

Right. All the guys love her.

Yeah, right. Right.

So, anyway, so,
I go home and, uh,

I'm gonna meet her out
in front of my place,

and I'm runnin' late,
so I shower, and I shave,

and I get down there
in, like, 2 seconds.

She's not there?
No, no, she's there.

But not only does she
not look like a model,

she's got, like,
hair to the ceiling.

- Jersey.
- Yeah, right.

So, the thing is, though,

I can tell that underneath the base,
she's kind of hot.

You know? So we go
to the restaurant,

and she gets up, and she has to go
to the bathroom,

and I took off my jacket.

And I guess... I don't know.
I guess I was nervous,

and I didn't put on any
anti-perspirant or something,

but my pits are soaked.

I mean, it's, like,
not even rings.

It's just like these
2 dark shapes

moving towards the front
of my chest, you know.

So I totally...

I totally panic.

And, uh, now, I have to get up,

and I'm in the bathroom, and I turn on
the little hand dryer,

and I gotta point it up
to dry off my pits, so I can...

Wait. Wait, hold on.

I can't remember
her fucking name.

What are you talking about?

The girl from the awards dinner.
I don't know...

I was with her last night,
I was inside her an hour ago,

and now I... I can't remember
her fucking name.

Why do you care?

It's just so wrong.
I mean...

I gotta make a change.

I can't keep going out
with these nameless women.

Oh, dude, what are you...
I gotta move on.

"I gotta." Listen.
I'm serious.

You can't change your
life. I love your life.

Do you realize I have a better
vicarious sex life

than most people's real lives?

Really! I love your life.

Your life is like
a great porno movie,

except with better
lighting. You know?

And there's great cheesy
music and lots of women.

You could use more
lesbians, though.

- Oh, you think?
- Yeah.

Thanks for the note.

Nah, I gotta... maybe
I just haven't met

the right woman yet
or something.

Maybe there isn't
the right woman.

Maybe I'm just an asshole.

Maybe you just like to get laid.

I got it! Delia!
That was her name.

- Delia.
- Delia.

Good morning, Gallant Advertising.

Good morning, please hold.

Good morning, please hold.

Good morning, Ralph.

Hey.

What, is everyday like
secretaries day with you?

Morning, Ralph, I missed
you last night.

Yeah...

She's just a temp.

Oh, good.

Oh, yummies, good morning.

Yum, yum.

No, it's yummies.
It's my own new saying.

It's like yuppies.

Yeah, but yuppies
is young urban professionals.

How is yuppies like yummies?

It's better. It's young
urban models. Yummies.

Not only is it an acronym,
but it's also an onomatopoeia.

Oh, 'cause they're...
Yummy. Yummy.

Right, that's why
I'm so tickled.

Ahem.

Guys, this is our
new account director,

Elizabeth Brenner.

Peter McGrath, one
of our copywriters.

And our new associate creative director,

Ralph Gagante.

- Hi.
- Hi.

All right. Pitch mode, people.

Spartan condom campaign.

Ok, kid, bring us up to speed.

All right, here we go.

A teen couple, about 14 years old,
about to get down.

Aw, yeah.

Black and white,
extreme close-ups

and quick jarring cuts.
No dialogue at all.

- He rips open her blouse.
- Whoo!

The buttons scatter
in slow motion.

She fumbles clumsily
with the button at his neck,

gets frustrated,
grabs it with her teeth,

spits it out.
Ptoo!

Cut back, they're down
to their underwear.

He moves towards her.

She stops him.
Her look says it all.

No glove, no love.

Uh-uh.

But he pleads with her.
"Come on, it's so much better

without a condom."
She's not going for it.

So he reaches into the back
of his pocket,

pulls out the generically
packaged condom.

But he can't open it.
It just won't tear.

He's trying, she's riding up on him,
getting impatient.

"Come on, baby."

So, she reaches into her
bag and pulls out...

The product.
♪ Bom-chik-a bom-bom ♪

She opens it,

the condom spills out.
He smiles, relieved.

Dissolve through
this ecstatic shot

of them reaching
blissful satisfaction together.

♪ Ba-bom-bom ♪

"The safe case from Spartan.

We've been around for 30 years,

we want you to be around
a lot longer."

That's a great job, kid.

Ok, notes.

Yeah, I've got notes.

I like the tagline,
but is anybody needing

child pornography
masking as avant-garde film?

Did you... did you actually
draw in that woman's nipple?

Yup.

You cannot show a nipple
on television.

Fox will run it.
They run anything.

Legal won't clear it.

Did you look at that nipple?
That's a great nipple.

The networks are definitely
not going to let you show them coming together.

They're not coming
together. They're coming together.

Isn't this what made us successful
in the first place?

High-impact, creative,

in-your-face, down-your-throat,

up-your-bad-ass advertising.

We're selling safe sex,
not erotica.

These suits always miss the point.

What we're trying to say is that
safe sex can be erotic...

All evidence to the contrary.

The climax, the sex,
Elizabeth, is what sells the product.

I think the client wouldlike to target
a more sophisticated demographic.

With this, you're alienating
everybody but teenage kids.

And wait, I was right.
That's porno music.

No, it's from Shaft.

Actually, that was
from Car Wash.

It's Isaac Hayes,
man. Black Moses.

No, at the end.
The guy comes in in the Caddy.

It's dirty.
He wants it clean.

I remember that.
I love that scene.

He gets a very clean
car at the end.

My mom's got his greatest hits
at her house.

Actually, guys,

that was Debbie does Dallas.

Wait a minute, folks.
What we need here

is a little synergy,
not anarchy.

Now, this client is A-list.
They play rocketball.

So, we'll lose the climax, kid,

but we'll save the nipple shot.

As far as the censors are concerned,

I'm sure that...

You'll find a way
to make that happen, Liz.

Elizabeth.

Elizabeth.

Ok?

I'm off to the coast,

where they're going
a little ballistic.

So, uh,

you guys noodle this
and then lay it on me

on Friday at the gangbang.

Ok? Ciao Bella!

[Whispering]
Ciao. Ciao.

- See you later, man.
- Later, dude.

- Uh, Elizabeth?
- Ralph.

I take it you're not
a big fan of my work.

It's not that, Ralph.
It's just, don't you think

we're sort of taking
the low road here?

Yes, I heard what you
said in the meeting.

But, uh, you know,
sex sells, Elizabeth.

It's something everybody
feels entitled to.

It's not the sex I have
a problem with, Ralph.

It's how you use the sex.

Well, how do you expect me
to sell condoms without using sex?

You're the creative here.
Create!

What?

Uh, you're incredible.

You're just so, uh, passionate

and, like, intelligent.

Oh, please.

No, no, I'm serious.

I mean, I don't know,
maybe you're right.

Every survey they take tells me,

"Sell sex. Sex sells.
Selling is sexy." So...

And the nipple shot?

That's a personal thing.

So you...

What do you mean,
it's a personal thing?

You know, like a fetish.

Fetish?

Oh, like, uh,

like the small
of a woman's back.

Or the space just behind
her shoulder blade.

Or that little spot
right behind her ear.

Ok, I get it.
I got the point.

These are the things
that turn people on.

You know?
I'm being honest here.

You've got some line, Gagante.

I mean, you really
are convinced that

every woman wants
to sleep with you.

Not every woman, but a lot.

Can I take you out to dinner?

Best Italian in New York.

No, no. We can
talk about work.

Yeah, I would like to hear

what you so-called
creatives actually do.

- Great.
- Great.

I'll, uh, pick you up
around 7:00?

Oh. Oh, wait, I can't.

I've got a date.

Right.

She's got a date.

Jeans, jeans, jeans...

I love my jeans.
My jeans are so hot.

What am I doing here this late?

God, I should be out
with someone.

They don't pay me enough for this.

Well, yeah, they do.

God, it's hot.

Ok.

[Sniffing]

[Moaning]

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's it.

Sure. I'd give the shirt...

Off my back...

For jeans...

That fit.

Amber.

I'd take off my jeans
for you, Ralph.

Even if they did fit.

Uh...

[Porno music playing]

Do you want me?

Yeah. I want you here.

Oh, God.

In this office.

[Sniffs]

Right now.

Ok. You can have me.

- Mmm.
- Oh, my God.

- You're so sexy.
- You are so hot.

- Give it to me.
- Ok.

Come on baby, take me from behind.

Oh, God.

Yeah. Yeah... wait.

Let me draw your nipple.

Oh, God, yeah!
Oh my God.

[Grunts]
Mmm.

[Grunts]
Mmm.

Always working, huh, kiddo?

Uh... Yeah.

Well, you know me.

You keep it up,
one of these days,

I might be calling you partner.

Good night.

See you.

Oh, Ralph.

That was fantastic.

Uh, thanks.

We could have taken
a cab, you know.

Ugh! Yuck!

Wow, I could live here.
Seriously.

You fit in perfectly, Peter.

Are you the advertising people?

- Mr. Wexler.
- Joseph.

Hi, Elizabeth Brenner.
We spoke on the phone.

This is Ralph Gagante,
our associate creative director.

And Peter McGrath,
one of our copywriters.

Thanks for coming down.

This place is amazing, Joseph!

Thanks.

Unfortunately, as you can see,

they're not exactly
coming in in droves.

As it stands, I can't even
turn on the neon lights,

much less the karaoke machine.

What's the problem?

Well, I got this place
in a foreclosure,

but it cost me everything I had.

And now I've got this huge overhead
with no base clientele.

See, the previous owner
jacked the prices up so high,

it scared a lot
of the parents off.

So, what did you have in mind?

Well, I just need to get
the word out to people

who couldn't afford
to bring their kids here before.

So, target a multi-ethnic
cross-section?

Maybe create, like,
a block party image?

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

Well, let's see
what we have to work with.

Ok.

Have you had a chance
to put together

an advertising budget?

That's pretty much what
we talked about on the phone.

- You have no budget.
- I have no budget.

That's ok.

Basically, we're looking at, um,

at, uh, airtime
and production costs,

which is really gonna
be the main drag.

- Whoa!
- Hey!

Oh, you want to play now, lover?

We'll finish this up later?

- All right.
- Ok, thanks.

Sorry.

She's some lady.

Are you two, uh...

Oh, no. Why-- why do you ask?

I don't know. Just a thought.

Yeah. No, no.

Mark broke my doll!
Mark broke my doll!

Well, um, you know what
we could do, sweetheart?

Joseph, do you have markers,
and scissors, and paper, and stuff?

We got everything.

We're gonna make you a new doll,

but we're gonna need some help.

Right. Ok.

Hey, team Wonder Camp, come on.
Huddle up.

Come here, guys.

We're going to go
to the arts and crafts room on 3.

You ready?
1... 2... 3!

Yeah! Come on!
Come on!

[Telephone rings]

[Rings]

Uh-uh.

Hey, kid. Later, ok?

What's up?

All right, so I met
with the Wonder Camp guy this morning.

Yeah?

- I really want to do it.
- Great. Great.

Problem is, he's got no money.

Hmm... Fuck him.

Right. We could do that.

But I was thinking
maybe we do it pro bono.

Pro bono?

Balk, balk, balk.

That's me balking.
Pro bono, what are you talking about?

I could do it... I could
do some work in my free time.

What free time?

You're banging secretaries twice a day.

You nail that one
yet, by the way?

- No, no. She's not really my type.
- Why not?

- She's humanoid.
- She's a little bookish.

Ah.

Sorry, I can come back later.

No, no, no. Liz,
please sit down.

You of all people should
hear this game plan.

Mr. Don Juan Gandhi

wants to work pro bono
for the Wonder Camp.

Wants to do the creative work
in his free time.

So, Mahatma, tell us

who you plan on screwing
to crunch the numbers.

What? Hey...

Actually, Jonathan, that's not
going to be necessary.

I've been crunching
the numbers, and I think

that he can afford
the airtime and production costs

if we can provide
the creative work in numbers.

Ah. Another altruist.

Jonathan, this guy is really trying
to do something here.

I mean, Wonder Camp is a safe
and creative place for these kids to play.

Without it, they have nothing.

So?

You know, Jonathan,
we do have some contacts at Ad Age.

They might like a cover story
about an ad exec

who wants to give back
to the community.

Done.

But I want big time
PR on this.

I want to milk this baby
for all it's worth, ok?

And don't drop the ball
on this one, kiddies,

because Big Brother
will be watching.

I want to use what happened at
Wonder Camp in the ad, you know?

Something about how the kids were
working together. Teamwork.

"Team Wonder Camp."

Um, I don't know.

"For parents who travel",

you know, "whether
at work or play,

your kids will be
loved all day."

That sucks. That sucks.

Ok. Um.

Something about Wonder Camp.
You know, the word "wonder."

I don't know, there's
7 wonders of the world.

This could be the eighth wonder.

"Wonder Camp, the
eighth wonder of the world."

Hey, that's good. I like that.
Joseph will love that.

We can get shots of
the Great Wall of China.

We can get an expense-paid trip.
So, we'll just...

Whoa. Whoa. I think,
given the budget constraints,

we might want to keep it simple.
We have to use what we have access to.

I mean, we have the
space, which is great.

Um, we have Joseph.

We could use his assistant in the shot.

Something like her
with one of the kids.

Wait, here. Check this out.

You are really not well.

What?

Well, where's the nipple, Ralph?

Uh, th-there's no nipple.

This spot is for a
playground for children.

You can't use sex to sell that.

It's not so much sex
as it is aesthetics.

You know, people like
looking at attractive people,

in attractive settings,
wearing attractive clothes.

It... It attracts them.

Hence, your $1,200 suits,
your perfectly mussed-up hair,

the Ferrari.
- Give me a break.

You make it sound like
I'm some kind of male model wannabe.

Face it, Ralph, everything
you do, say, or wear

is shrewdly calculated to
attract members of the opposite sex.

Everything everybody does is.

Yeah, but for you it's, like,

the central activity
of your life, right?

Somehow I suspect it's
always been that way.

Well, yeah. As far back
as I can remember.

Hey, Teresa,
get back in the house

before I smack you all the way
back to Bay Ridge, huh.

Fuck you, Vinny,
you pigfucker!

Hey, don't you raise
your voice to me!

I grew up in Brooklyn,

which could be the source of
all my problems right there.

See, my mother's Jewish,
and my father's Italian,

which, I guess, sort of
makes me a pizza bagel.

Anyway, Jews and Italians
are very similar.

Of course, you'll never hear
any Italian saying that.

Both have generous traditions
of guilt. Catholic guilt,

which focuses mostly on sex,

and Jewish guilt,
which deals mainly in food.

Marlene, little Ralphie
won't eat vegetables?

A billion chinamen are starving,

and this meshuggeneh says
he doesn't like anything green!

My father's side
of the family is huge

because he had 5 sisters
who all had children,

which made for lots of cousins,

and lots of birthdays,
and holidays, and Sundays.

Good old days.

I used to be like this to the
underboss of the Gambino family.

He's the guy who made Big Paul.

Shut the hell up, Tommy!

You're about as connected
as a phone with an unpaid bill!

Oh, you're a liar! You
always have been a liar!

Little Ralphie, women are
the downfall of all men in this world.

Little Ralph, get your
hand out of your trousers!

What, he should be different
from all the other men in the family?

[Knocking]

What took you so long?

You're the one who
wanted to do this.

Let's hurry, before
someone catches us.

- Ok, you first.
- No, you.

♪ I must be getting on ♪

♪ I've got to go cross-town ♪

♪ towards the seagull sound
and the freighters ♪

♪ I must meet the alligator ♪

♪ so, I said, all right, man ♪

♪ whatever you say ♪

♪ and I was on my way ♪

"M&M's make friends", huh?

Tagline of the century.

You're really not well.

Ok, ok, enough about me for a while.

Uh-oh.

Tell me about your first
sexual experience.

Well, ok.

I met this guy freshman
year at orientation.

And, um, we took this
hiking class together.

It was one of those
one-credit deals, you know?

And, uh, and the whole class is
taking a hike in the woods,

and he started reading aloud from
Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

It's one of the great
books in history.

It was romantic.

Anyway, um, so we ended
up sharing a tent, and...

So, were you guys
friends afterwards?

Well, actually, we went out for 3 years.

Whoa.

And what happened?

I don't know. I guess we just
grew in different directions.

But, um, we still talk.

What do you mean?
You're just, like, friends?

Like, hey, buddy?

What, you don't have any
friends that are women?

No, I do. It's...

But I still sleep with them.

Well, wouldn't it be nice
just to hang out with a woman

without the specter of sex
hanging over your heads all the time?

It is nice.

The Avocate, huh?
That's a great magazine.

- You a dyke?
- Uh...

A gay woman.

Are you one?

'Cause you're obviously
not a gay man.

That's true.

No, I'm a writer.

You write for The Advocate?

No, I write for myself.

Then what the hell do you know

about a magazine
for gay men and women?

Well, actually,
I'm in advertising.

And we deal with a lot
of magazines.

Oh, you're an image maker.

You should probably consider
killing yourself.

If you're nice, I might
put you in one of my ads.

Great.

I thought you said
you were a writer.

Uh, sort of.

Thinking about becoming one.

You a dyke?

Sort of.

I'm thinking about becoming one.

I never thought of sexual orientation as a
maybe, kind of, sort of thing.

Yeah, well, I'm definitely
changing something.

Well, how about something
normal, like your overalls...

I think I'm gonna
change my name.

To what?

Rex.

- Rex what?
- No, just Rex.

Yeah.

Uh, well, I think maybe
you should start

with something a little more low-key,
like your hairstyle.

Actually, I was thinking
about shaving it off.

Rex it is.

I think you should
stick with Rex.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

Do you want to go take
a walk or something?

With you?

No, just did you
want to go walking...

[Laughs]
Yeah, with me.

Uh, I haven't finished
my coffee. So...

Well, that's the great thing
about the solo plastic cup.

You can just go outside with it.

All right.

I guess.

- Ok.
- Ok.

Let's go.

I was serious about the ad.

I mean, you've got this great
downtown-y misanthropic

kind of look about you.

- Ooh, big word.
- Thanks.

Ah, fresh oysters. Hey.

Do you like oysters?

No, I don't really
get into putting wet,

living, slurpy, slimy
things in my mouth.

Guess you don't eat pussy, then.

I could.

Bag it.

Come on...

No, you come on, brother. Bag it.

Ok, ok.

What do you need, a crane?

Well...

I can only come from
getting head, anyway, so...

And I'm having my period.

Wait, wait. And you want me
to go down on you?

Yeah, so?

You have your period.

My girlfriend does it all the time,
you little sissy Mary.

[Groans]

Sounds like a real badass.

I like her.

I could set up a rendezvous.

My place?

You wish.

Hey, it was worth
a shot, you know.

You are really not...

Not well.

You keep saying that.

What's not well about me?

My life rocks.

I got everything I want.

I got a great job.

I make tons of money.

I get laid every night.

Ralph, you don't have
to get so defensive.

I was only kidding.

Well, I'm not being defensive.

It's just that you're
always judging me...

Saying "you're really not well."

You know, everything is fine.

Look at me. Last night,

I converted a lesbian
to heterosexuality.

My life is sick.

I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to upset you.

I...

No, it's...

Forget it.

I'm sorry.

Let's go back to work.

Did you, uh, get those
figures on the...

Um... Wonder Camp thing?

You're right.

I'm a sick...

Sick bastard.

Ralph...

Are you ok?

I mean, if you're not
comfortable talking to me,

then maybe you should think about
talking to somebody else.

What, like a shrink?

Thank you very much, but
I don't believe in that crap.

[Sighs]

[Whispering]
Oh, man.

What would a...

What would a man's man do?

You know, what would
Gary Cooper do?

The Coop woke up in the morning,

he looked in the mirror,

he knew exactly who
he was looking at, you know?

None of this "Where am I,

what am I doing?

I'm so not satisfied in my job"
nineties psychobabble.

[Sighs]

Here's a guy who
woke up in the morning

and shaved with one of
them horsehair brushes

and a straight-edge razor,
and didn't even flinch.

None of those toilet paper
blood clots on his neck

when he went out
to get the bad guys.

Just a sureness of purpose

that came from knowing who he was.

How does that
make you... Feel?

Ha ha.

That's very funny.

Mr. Gigant-ey.

Well, it's Gagante,

but you can call me Ralph.

Would you like some coffee, Ralph?

I don't drink coffee.

Doesn't drink coffee.

Why are you writing that down?

I write everything down.

Smoke?

No. Girls don't like it.

Uh, I don't smoke.

Oh.

So, what can I do for you?

Uh... Well...

I lead a very promiscuous sexual life,

and a friend of mine,

I was telling her
how great my life is,

how I have all these great
clothes and a great car

and a great life.

And while I was
telling her, I was...

depressed...

To say the least.

So she said maybe you should
go talk to somebody.

So here I am,

seeing if maybe you can help me.

How old are you,
Mr. Gigant-ey?

27.

And how many women
would you estimate

you've had sexual relations
with in your life?

Uh...

I don't know. Hundreds.

What do you want
that you don't have?

I have sex all the time
with these women,

these women whose names
I don't know.

And what I really want from life

is a... is a woman
who's gonna love me,

to start a family, to have kids.

And I can't see that happening

living the way I am.

Why, are you miserable now?

Yeah, I'm miserable.

You suicidal?

Uh, no.

Are you aware of a
clinical term "satyriasis?"

Sounds like a skin disease.

Foreskin, maybe.

- Heh.
- What are you laughing at?

Do you feel that this sexual
compulsion of yours,

um...

Interferes with your work life?

I get laid at night,

and I take the experience I had

and I translate it into
some kind of advertisement.

And, uh, I don't know...

Sex sells.

In other words,
you've learned how to...

Sublimate.

We call it, uh,
subliminal advertising.

But you mean like
Freudian slips or...

There's no such thing
as a Freudian slip.

It's your capacity to sublimate

that has made you so succ-sexual.

Successful?

That's what I said.

You're a scary man.

This session has come to
a conclusion, Mr. Gigant-ey.

No, no, what do you mean?

I would suggest that you go outside

and make an appointment
with my receptionist

to come in in a couple of days

and lie on the couch.

Dating within the business

is definitely a career no-no.

They won't take you seriously.

Well, I know that.

But how the hell else
am I gonna meet guys

with any kind of money
in their pockets?

I don't have time
to use my vibrator...

[Laughs]
Much less, you know, go out trolling.

Mmm.

Hey, look, there's Peter.

You want to ask him to join us?

[Giggling]
Hey, Peter!

[Whispering[
Would you stop that?

- No!
- What?

This guy has been asking me out
every day for the past 7 months.

So go out with him.

He seems like a nice enough guy.

Oh, please.

He's not smarmy enough for me.

What about Ralphie boy?

Ew.

Oh, come on.
I think he really likes you.

Ralph likes all women.

Yeah, so you might be
the one to change him.

Maybe, but...

You know how I feel about...

Guys and work, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You told me a thousand times already.

My job is important
to me, you know?

I can depend on it.

Well, I mean, that's...
That's cool, Elizabeth.

But you know, sometimes...

You know, you just...
You gotta take a chance.

You never know.

Speaking of taking chances...

And once I've slept with a woman,

I start to notice
all her imperfections...

Her moles, her freckles,

the little hair that
comes out of the moles.

I mean, it just bothers me.

A common symptom of the...

Casanova...

Falling in love with
a fantasy creature

who is finally exposed as human

and thereby loses her appeal.

He's obsessed with
physical perfection.

Yeah, but I hold myself to the
same standards, you know?

I mean, I work out all the time.

I use Kiehl's facial exfoliates,

Aveda natural hair care products,

elderberry eye gel,

facial masks.

I get manicures, I get pedicures.

I even get my back waxed.

That must be very painful.

Tell me about it.
I'm Italian and Jewish.

Twice the hair and the guilt.

Speaking of...

Hair and guilt...

Why don't you tell me
about your puberty?

My what?

You did go through puberty?

Yeah.

Would you like to
tell me about it?

It was a scary time.

I was very busy.

You think maybe you and I

could sit at lunch
together one day?

Sure.

It'd be great. I...

Hi, campers.

My name is Gillian.

For the next 8 weeks,
I'm gonna be your counselor.

♪ Felt good just to be alive ♪

Do you want to kiss me, Ralph?

I mean, just for practice?

Yes, please.

[Giggles]

♪ I see no sound ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Your face is like a precious thing ♪
Come on.

Uh, why, Mr., uh, Gigant-ey...

Gagante.

Please do not interrupt me.

Why, uh...

Are you stroking your
phallus with your hand?

I don't know. It just...
It feels good, you know?

It makes me comfortable.

Yes.

Uh, that is the
superficial explanation.

Are you afraid that a woman
is going to castrate it

and take it away?

Are you afraid it's
going to fall off?

Are you afraid it's just
going to vanish one morning

when you wake up?

Why don't you just accept it
as a natural appendage

like your foot?
- Uh, listen, Dr. Hubbins.

Can we just talk
about my problem?

It sounds to me
as if you are living...

An almost ideal existence.

You seem to have, uh...

All of the women, available
and unavailable,

responding to you.

You have a job that
you are fulfilled in

and where you are able to use
your personality and express it.

Uh, what more could you want?

What are you here for?

Why do you have a complaint?

Because I'm lonely.

Ok, Dr. Hubbins?

[Bell chiming]

Welcome to the sex addicts
recovery program.

My name is Jamie.

For the new members,

please avoid any
sexual explicitness

or, uh, salacious
accounts of experiences

that may prove stimulating to
other members of the group.

And now, let us join hands.

It's ok. I won't bite.

I am powerless over my
compulsive sexual behavior.

I desire to become
sexually healthy.

I will conquer
my sexual addiction.

[Sighs]

Now, who would like
to share first?

Hi, my name is John.

And I'm a John.

I would have a different prostitute
every day for about 10 years.

Different one every day.

I would have them give
me golden showers...

Fudgy wudgy bars...

Please sit down, John.

Um, Debra, would you
like to share with us?

Sure.

Hi, my name is Debra,

and I'm addicted to sex.

Mother always told me not
to talk to strangers,

so I didn't.

I had sex with them.

All a man had to do was...

Give me a smile or an interested look,

and I would take him
back to my apartment

and have sex with him
immediately.

Of course, I felt shameful
about it afterwards,

so to ease the guilt

I would seek out another
sexual experience.

There were days when I would have intercourse,

oral and anal sex,
with 5 or 6 different guys.

And then, well, then
I'd masturbate myself to sleep.

I want to fuck you
so hard right now.

John, please sit down.

Do you have something
you'd like to share?

Uh, no.

No. I'm sorry.

Uh...

Good luck.

Debra has developed,

uh, with the help of the group,

her own personal recovery sex plan.

Um, tell us about it, Debra.

My recovery plan says

I have to at least have
a cup of coffee with someone,

preferably in a public place,

before I can have sex with them.

Hey, hey.

Listen...

I'm sorry I laughed in there.

I've never done this before.

It's all right.

But I think you should have
shared with the group.

Yeah, but I don't know
if I'm a sex addict.

I mean, what am I
supposed to say?

"Hi, my name is Ralph.

I think I might be
a sex addict."

Well, how do you
think other people

start their healing process?

You have to talk about it
with people who understand.

Like you?

Sure.

Do you want to go
grab a cup of coffee?

Well, long live Wonder Camp.

Long live Wonder Camp.

[Glasses clink]

Ok.

So, um...

I guess that's about it.

I've got a meeting with
Gallant this afternoon,

so I'll show him all
the stuff we finished up.

Hopefully, he'll be pleased.

You want me to come
to that meeting?

Um... No.

That's ok. It's just numbers.

- Boring.
- Right.

Right.

I guess that's about it.

I guess so.

Are you heading back?

Yeah.

All right.

[Laughs]
Let's go.

So...

How's the therapy thing going?

Yeah, it's good.

My shrink suggested
group therapy.

It's pretty cool.

I drink too much coffee, though.

What?

Anyway, you think I'm bad?

You should see some
of these people.

Oh, I don't think
you're bad, Ralph.

Just a little misguided.

Oh.
[Giggles]

Watch out.

What?

You're walking over a... a grate.

So what?

So...

What if you fell through?

What are you, my mother?

Don't bring Freud into this.

It's a grate.

It's made of steel and concrete.

Look.

[Laughing]
Stop that!

- Heh.
- Stop it!

It's not gonna break.

Well, maybe not that one.

But what about that one?

There's, like, 3 million
of these things

all over the city.

If I worried about each one,

I'd never get anywhere.

All right, well what
about those, um...

Sidewalk basement door thingies?

You know? You just walk
right over those, too?

Yup. Heh.

Yup! Well, those
can collapse.

I mean, don't you ever worry
about hurting yourself?

I take my chances.

All right...

What if I was walking with you

and one of them broke open?

I'd catch you.

But you'd be falling, too.

You're incredible.

You're so...

Passionate and,
like, intelligent...

And beautiful.

[Sighs]

You've got some line, Gagante.

It's not a line!

- Oh, come on!
- I'm serious.

Admit it. Just... just...
Just a little bit.

All right, all right,
a little bit of a line.

Yes. But it doesn't mean

I don't mean it.

So you're sincere,
but with an agenda.

You know, I'm up for a little more
of this ego-deflating banter.

Let's play hooky

and take the rest
of the day off.

What did you have in mind?

Love in the afternoon.

What?

I'm... um...

It's a movie.

With Gary Cooper and Audrey Hepburn.

What did you think
I was talking about?

Never mind.

[Giggles]
Heh.

Uh...

Uh, you want to catch a matinee?

Yeah.

Yeah, why not?

- Ok.
- Ok.

- Good.
- Good.

[Ding]
[Laughter]

He who loves and runs away
lives to love another day.

Hey, Coop got that right.

Yeah, but Audrey tamed him.

Welcome to my humble abode.

Humble? It's huge.

I need my space, you know?

Oh, well, I'll keep that in mind.

Yeah, you do that.

Is that yours?

Yeah.

Uh, that was my black period.

[Chortles]

Is that Amber?

Uh-huh.

It doesn't even look like her.

Well, it's not supposed to.

But why? She's a beautiful girl.

When I was in Europe,
I saw tons of ads with her.

But they looked
like her, you know?

Imperfections and all.

Look, Elizabeth,

no woman's gonna buy
a bottle of perfume

if the woman identified with it

has beauty marks all over her chest.

But Ralph, that's why
they call them beauty marks,

because they augment the reality,

the beauty of the person,

the individual.

And when you do a photo essay

for The New York Times
magazine section

you can put beauty marks and moles
and hairs all over it.

But in the meantime...

Leave the selling to me.

But what you're selling
there is empty dreams.

Look, Elizabeth, people
want perfection.

I want to have that
bottle of perfume

because I want to have
that perfect woman.

But you can't have that
perfect woman, Ralph.

She does not exist.

I know. That's why I'm
hanging out with you.

[Chuckles]
Oh, thanks a lot.

Hey, you're welcome.

I am not going to bed with you.

[Elizabeth laughing]

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait!

Condom.

Come on.

Get an AIDS test,
and then we'll talk.

Aw, it'd be so nice...

Not to use one.

Ok, then I'll have babies,

and you can marry me,

and we can move to the suburbs.

Ok, I think I have a condom

right here in my wallet.
[Laughs]

Oh, fuck!

[Sighs]

I'm sorry.

I, uh...

Hey...

It's ok.

Come here, Gagante.

Mmm.

[Telephone rings]

[Rings]

[Beep]

[On answering machine]
Hey, kid. Gallant.

Good news!

Your take on the safe case spot,

they love it!

And the broad
in the perfume ad...

Uh... Amber!

Yeah, Amber.
They want her, kid.

So tomorrow, 8:00, you and her,

[laughing]
Face to face.

Think you can handle it?

[Beep]

[Sighs]

I guess she does
exist after all.

[Laughs softly]

[Sighs]

Ok, just be cool.
Be cool.

Hey, uh...

You're... it's Amber, right?

Right. Amber.

A-m-b-e-r?

Right.

I don't, uh...

Ok.

[Sighs]

Oh, boy.

Just business.

Just take care of business.

You're a businessman,
do your business.

Ralph?

- Amber.
- Right.

I have worshipped you from afar,

but up until that moment,

until I met you just now,

I didn't know how beautiful...

Order me a drink. I'm gonna
hit the fucking bathroom.

Ok.

Yeah.

[Jazzy hip-hop music playing]

Yeah, this place
is really superfly.

Sorry.

Too bad all these male models

only dig each other, you know?
Heh heh heh.

Who the fuck told you
that bullshit?

♪ I like the way she dances ♪

♪ She makin' me hot ♪

♪ She got that look
on her face ♪

♪ Real serious ♪

♪ Rut delirious
at the same time ♪

♪ That waistline keepin' up
her back side ♪

♪ Moving that ass at a slow
grind against me ♪

♪ And I can feel the heat
on my thigh ♪

♪ As I grind a little closer ♪

♪ Starin' deep in her eye ♪

♪ Then I start to go down ♪
- Hey!

♪ And I'm lookin' at
the promised land ♪

♪ I know why she's winkin' ♪

♪ She know what I'm thinkin' ♪

♪ I wanna lick her like
I'm eatin' a peach ♪

- Hello?
♪ With the juice drippin'
down to my chin ♪

♪ With my fingers in ♪

♪ I'll kiss it where
some brothers won't even ♪

♪ No, you're not dreamin' ♪

♪ To me, it tastes like ♪

♪ Candy ♪

♪ Yeah, baby, I'm-a lick you
all night long ♪

Heh heh heh.

You're lookin' really phat.

Dope.

Um... Could I get a...

Screaming...

Bloody Orgasm?

What?

It's a drink.

♪ Yeah, what ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Alexander and
I'm on to my game ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ DJ Yugo on the wheels and ♪

Thanks.

♪ Candy ♪

♪ That? Come on, baby ♪

♪ I'm-a lick you
all night long ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I'm gonna suck you ♪

♪ Till all the flavor's gone ♪

Ralphie poo!

Monica!

Hey!

How you doing?

Question is who you're doing.

And tonight it's me, stud boy.

Ok!

[New song begins]

Yeah.

Oh!

Oh.

♪ Givin' it up ♪

♪ Givin' it up ♪

♪ I'm givin' it up ♪

♪ Givin' it up ♪

♪ I'm givin' it up ♪

♪ Givin' it all up ♪

♪ Givin' it all up ♪

So, Monica, darling,
how the hell are you?

It's all good.

♪ Givin' it up
I'm givin' it up ♪

♪ Givin' it all up ♪

♪ Givin' it all up for you ♪

♪ Givin' it up ♪

♪ I'm givin' it up ♪

♪ Givin' it up ♪

Keep the change.

♪ Givin' it up ♪

♪ I'm givin' it up ♪

♪ I'm givin' it
givin' it all up for you ♪

Heh. I'm taking you out of here.

Oh.

[Sniffs]

Where's my drink?

One Ketel one Martini.

[Sniffs]

You need a vacuum for that?

Heh.

We'll make a hipster
out of you yet, Gagante.

[Violin music on television]

Oh, this is Love in the afternoon
with Gary Cooper.

Oh, this is great.

This is the part where
the gypsies come on.

They, uh...

They're always coming in
with these violins,

and doing this weird thing.

[Clicks station]

They're showing Prada next.

Oh.

That's kind of like that ad I did
for that fucked up perfume.

What was it called? Um... "Scent".

You, uh, you wrote
that one, right?

Yeah, I won an award...

Uh, can... could you
excuse me for one second?

Mmm.

Mind if I scope the
rest of your crib?

Uh, no, yeah. I mean, let me just
clean up for a sec.

[Hip-hop music playing]

Don't you have a maid?

Uh, yeah. She's in
bucatini for the week.

What are you so embarrassed about?

Uh, nothing, I'm a messy guy.

You don't wanna look in there.

Oh, Ralph. Holy shit.

You have my picture
hanging on your wall.

Yeah.

That's so...

Flattering.

Mmm.

I just want to fucking rape you.

- Mmm.
- Whoa!

[Moans]

[Moaning]

[Moans]

[Giggles]

Wait, wait, wait.

Is something wrong?

I think I'm in love
with someone else.

[Giggles]

Let's not ruin the moment
worrying about that.

[Moans]

Mmm.

[Moaning]

Here I am,

inside the hottest
supermodel around,

who I've waited
my whole life for.

I mean...

My ideal woman.

And she's riding me
like a hobby horse.

I mean, up and down,

up and down...

Up and down.

And all I can think
about is Elizabeth.

Does anyone have anything
to say to Ralph?

John.

You are the greatest man
on the face of the earth.

Sit down, John.

Um...

Anyone have anything
helpful to tell Ralph?

Yes, I do.

I think you should
consider celibacy.

What? What are you talking about?

Celibacy!

We need this man.

He's the maestro.

John...

Debra, would you care
to elaborate on that?

Total abstinence.

That's what celibacy is.

No kissing, no touching,

no pornography,

no masturbation,

nothing.

No acting out.

No sex of any kind.

It's ridiculous.

[Telephone rings]
Hey.

Hey. Heh.

Um...

Mmm.

Look, I gotta tell
you something.

Ok.

Uh, the other night
was really great.

And I think...

Well, I think there's
something here.

I feel the same way, and, um...

Well...

So I think we should be
honest with each other.

Well, yeah. So do I.

So...

I slept with Amber.

[Echoing]
You son of a bitch.

I knew you'd never change.

Fuck off.

[Head rattles]

Forget about it.
It's really not that big a deal.

No, tell me, because then
I'll think about it

and wonder, so...

All right. Ok.

Working and creating
here, kiddies, or what?

Yeah.

You are a redwood,
Ralph Gagante.

I am so sore I can barely walk.

Hello, I'm Amber.

I'm outta here.

Ok, hoover-babe, you've got
a face-to-face

in 5 minutes with the
CEO of the universe.

Ciao, bello.

"For my coop."

At meetings, I get a lot
of things I need.

Several forms of love,
a lot of healthy hugs,

and a safe place
to break all secrets.

I just came here
to pick up chicks.

Is that bad?

I've decided that Debra's right.

The only chance for me to have
the life that I want,

to be true to the woman
I love is...

To become celibate for a while.

Good for you.

Why not create a regular

recovery program like Debra's?

I mean, something like

you can't have sex with someone

until you at least
know their name?

No. I've made my decision.

♪ I was taken by the hand ♪

♪ And led through the garden
of my life ♪

♪ And everyone's still there ♪

♪ Even though they cannot share
all their time ♪

♪ Oh, no, it can't be so ♪

[Telephone ringing]

Elizabeth Brenner.

Hey, Claire, what's up?

Can you hold for a sec,
Claire? Thanks.

♪ Oh, no, we didn't know ♪

♪ We all were messing
with the scary skull ♪

Hi. What's going on?

♪ I was taken by the hand ♪

♪ And led through the garden
of my life ♪

♪ Sitting on the deck
around 10:00 ♪

♪ Keeping it down,
don't want to wake your mom up ♪

♪ By cigarette flicker,
put the Marley on ♪

♪ How we gonna deal
when the sun is gone? ♪

♪ Mess around with a rifle,
us rich kids got a lot ♪

♪ of questions ♪

♪ Oh, no, it can't be so ♪

♪ I totaled your van
on river road ♪

♪ Oh, no, we didn't know ♪

♪ We all were messing
with the scary skull ♪

♪ Oh, no, it can't be so ♪

♪ We dodged the past
the whole way home ♪

♪ Oh, no, we didn't know ♪

♪ We all were messing
with the scary skull ♪

♪ Da da la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

Thanks.

Nice place.

Yeah, tavern on the green
was booked, so...

This is... this is fine.

- Here you go.
- Oh, thanks.

So, what's up?

I've become celibate.

[Laughs]

No, I'm serious.

I'm giving up sex.

Ok, why are you telling me this?

Because I'm doing it to show you
that I can make a change.

That I can control
myself and my urges.

That I can make
a sacrifice for you.

Ralph, I don't want to be
someone that you feel

you have to sacrifice
who you are for.

That's not who I am.

I hope there's a little
more to me than just sex.

What do you want me to say?

I don't know. I thought you'd be
a little more supportive than this.

I'm doing it for you.

Because, uh...

I love you.

Ralph, do you even know
what that means?

I mean, I don't even know if
I know what that means.

But I know you shouldn't have to
work so hard for it, you know?

It should be something
you just... Feel.

It is. Look, love takes work.

Once I prove to you that
I can resist other women,

you'll see that I can be faithful.

Look, Ralph, you're
missing the point.

I mean, so, you don't
have sex with anyone

for... for a week,
a month, a year.

But I'll know what
you're always thinking.

We'll both know what
you're always thinking.

I mean, do you have any idea
how that makes me feel?

I can't...

I won't live like that.

Once I go through this,
you won't have to.

But it would make it a whole lot
easier if I had you with me.

Ralph, look, I care about you.

And, God, you have got
so much going for you.

But I think this is something that
you have to do for yourself.

And by yourself.

Gagante. I used to say
Gigante sometimes.

He corrected me on that
very quickly.

Nice Italian boy.

Oh, here he is. Here he is.

Good morning.

Our business, gentlemen and ladies,

is the interpretation of dreams.

What you are about to see is the
30-second spot of our dreams.

And your competitor's nightmares.

[Birds chirping]

[Violin music playing]

The Safe Case from Spartan.

We've been doing this for a long time.

We want you to be doing it
for a long time, too.

What the hell was that?

This has absolutely nothing to do

with the work you showed
us to win our business.

I'm really disappointed.

Sorry, Ralph.

What the hell happened to the
half-naked pre-teens?

The MTV avant-garde montage-y crap?

What the fuck is going on here?

We're stepping on our
own dicks here, people.

Kid, my office. Face to face.

Jesus Christ, fucking swans.

I liked the swans.

Sit!

Major fuck-up in there, kid.

Major fuck-up.

I'm sorry.

I'm trying to cure
an addiction to sex,

and I've been celibate for 28 days,
17 hours, 32 minutes, 45 seconds.

Celibate?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Your sex drive is the main reason

you shot to the top of the corporate ladder.

I know, but I'm trying to change that.

Listen, kid.

Sex sells. You are sex personified.
You understand that?

But unless you start
using that again,

you are nada to me, creatively.

Well, I guess I'm just
growing up is all.

No more games.

Oh, Jesus Christ,
it's all games, kid.

Anybody who tries to tell you
different is full of horseshit.

Women... women play a game all the time.

It's called squash.

They will squash whatever it is
that gives you strength.

In your case, it happens
to be your fucking schlong.

They know that.
Without that, you're nothing.

I know what you're
talking about, Jonathan,

but for a second,

imagine a world with ads
that don't have a nipple shot,

that are artful and innovative,

that don't cater to people's libidos.

Can you see that?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Do you think what we do here is
selling out? Is that it?

A little.

Let me tell you something, kid!

This happens to be real life!

Sex, money, and power.

That's all that counts in the world.

No, I don't think so.

You're the best I ever had, kid.

But, pending a major change
in your sex life...

And I mean a major change...

You are hereby...

On extended leave.

What?

That's right.

No chicks, no checks.

Get the fuck out of here.

All right, all right,

so I got baby on the dryer,
right, and I'm working it.

Doing my best work. All of a sudden,
she starts screaming,

"Put in a quarter! Put in a quarter!"

And I'm thinking,
I ain't got no change.

- I mean, I got a token...
- All right, look, Kevin,

could you do me a favor?

Could we not talk
about sex tonight?

Wait a minute. Hold on.
He didn't have any change.

No change, but I'm still working her.
It's not gonna stop me.

No, no, no.

I'm serious.

For one night, we can just
not talk about sex,

or relationships, or women at all?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, we can talk
about anything.

We can talk about something else.

We can... Hit this doobie.

- Right?
- Yes!

- Yes!
- Give me some of that.

You know, I don't know
why I need women

when I got Chunky Sticky Monkey.

You know, actually, Cosmo
had a really interesting article

about that. They had, like,
5 guys who had given up sex...

Whoa! Whoa! Ok.

Peter, what's the deal with you
and these women magazines?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's up with that?

I mean, it's just... I mean,
they're good, you know?

Y-you can occasionally glean a good tip
on... on women from them.

They're good.

Do they work?

Uh... No.

But, uh, well, ok,
like, for example,

I had that date with Claire
the other night, right?

And, uh, and things
got a little hairy.

I mean, pun intended.

Shave her. I bet she'd dig it.

No, no, no. That actually
wasn't the problem.

It was that, well, like,
she wanted me to go down on her.

And this was a problem for you?

No. No, no, no. It was just that
I'm not sure if, uh,

if what I did worked.

Worked?

Well, no, you know. I mean,
you know what I mean.

I mean, I... I... I don't know
if I have a technique, you know?

I mean, it's kind
of a mess down there.

- Seriously.
- Oh, sure.

And I don't know what I'm doing, really.

Oh, you've never done it before?

No, it's just that
I... I've done it

lots of times, just not with...

- A woman.
- No!

Ok, fuck you. Ok? All right,
now I'm trying to talk...

I'm sorry, Mr. Sensitive.

And you're being an asshole about it...

- I'm sorry.
- And I don't want your advice.

Ok. Ok!

Ask Ralph, he's
the resident expert.

- Yeah.
- No, I'm sorry. Not anymore.

Oh, come on. Seriously, help me out.

No, look, guys, you know,
to each his own.

You have your little thing,

which I'm sure is
pretty strange,

and you got yours.

Let's just keep it that way.

I finally went out with Peter.

Yeah? How did it go?

Hmm. I don't know.

Well, what did you do?

Well... I gave him head.

Oh, cut to the chase,
why don't you, Claire?

That's the best part, babe.

You are unbelievable.

What? You act like it's
a tragedy or something.

No, but have you ever
thought about maybe

establishing just a little
emotional intimacy?

Hey, maybe get to know the guy.

I did. In the biblical sense.

Claire...

What? I like doing it.
I happen to be very good at it.

Wait, wait, wait.

You know how Peter's always quoting

Vogue and Bazaar,
and all those magazines?

I saw this back issue
in his bathroom,

and it's folded back
to this article called,

"Head games: show him how to
do it, and you both win."

I felt really bad for him

especially since he has absolutely
no experience with women.

Better no experience than
the entire metropolitan area.

And what is that
supposed to mean?

Ralph.

Oh, you've got that boy
on the brain, girlfriend.

Yeah.

Oh. So, you like him?

Pretty stupid, huh?

Why? Because of the
whole thing with women?

Let me tell you something.
All men have that thing with women.

Oh, you know what?
I'm sorry. I just...

I don't buy that.

There must be something about him.

He's obviously on your mind.

[Sighs]

I can't take this any more, man.

I've been celibate for
I don't know how long.

You need to get laid. Like, a lot.

He's right. Get this
out of your system.

You should have as much sex
in as short a period of time

as you possibly can.

It'd be tough for you to
break your own record.

But I think you should try.

You gotta get out
of this celibate mode.

Find yourself a willing honey

to release all this stress into.

Or onto. As the case may be.

No, I... I can't even
look at other women.

You've been thinking
about Elizabeth, huh?

- Why do you speak?
- What did I say?

No, it's ok. Peter's right.

I think about Elizabeth all the time.

Then call her, man. I'm sure
she'll take you back.

She wouldn't take me back.

She hates me. She hates my work.

She thinks I'm a
superficial, misogynistic,

chauvinistic, philandering pig.

You are.

You were.

Thanks.

It has, like, um, this big
romantic ending, right?

And there's this part where...

Where Gary Cooper pulls
Audrey Hepburn onto the train.

And, uh, and I look
over at Ralph, and, uh,

and he's, like, crying.
You know?

And he wasn't even trying to hide it,
you know? He just...

Oh, God.

You should've seen him
at Wonder Camp, you know?

He just... he's just got
this way with kids, right.

There's this little girl,
this adorable little girl,

and he got right down on his knees,

and, uh, she had
broken her doll.

And he made her this new doll...

And, um, and the way...

The way he opens doors for me.

You know? It just... it
makes me feel so good.

And, um...

Shh.

He's trying so hard to change
for you, Elizabeth.

Well, he had...

Has such a...

Natural affection for women.

Well, that's exactly it, right?

That is exactly the best and
the worst thing about him.

Well, honey, you could give him
the benefit of the doubt.

Well, I tried.

But?

But I never felt like I could
trust him, you know?

Well...

They say cream rises to the top.

He might surprise you.

Some men can actually change
for the right woman.

Claire, you can't change
someone that much.

Besides, I mean, why would
he want to change

when the whole world is telling him
that the way he is

is exactly the way to be?

♪ Baby ♪

♪ What you been doin'? ♪

♪ Maybe tryin' to run my life ♪

♪ Eunnin' around
askin' questions ♪

♪ Is it worth the price? ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe ♪

♪ Want to know
what I'm thinkin' ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ I see it in your smile ♪

♪ Your sweet words won't
fool me any longer ♪

♪ Although they did
for a while ♪

♪ 'Cause it's about faith ♪

♪ And it's about trust ♪

♪ And it's about all the things
that you dream of ♪

♪ And it's about love ♪

♪ And it's about time ♪

♪ And it's about all the things
you hide inside your mind ♪

[French accent]
I have a photographer for 10 years.

And this, uh, this, uh, enfant

tries to tell me
how to do my work.

And then, Elle,

may I call you Elle?

The booking agent takes her aside
and shows her my work

in Vogue, Appeal, Cosmo.

Andre, can you, um,

wait right here for a second?

- I'll be right back.
- Certainly, Elle.

I will be anxiously
awaiting your return.

Can I get you something?

[New York accent]
Yeah, I'll take a Bud.

- Peter, hi.
- Elizabeth.

- Hey, what's up?
- Nothing.

- How you doing?
- Good. Good.

Hey, uh, can I meet you
at the restaurant?

- Yeah, sure.
- Ok. Great.

Hey, can you get me
an ice water?

One of the tall glasses,
not the small ones.

- Well, you look great.
- Thank you very much.

You know, Ralph totally set me up.

He talked Gallant into
giving me his old job.

- Well, that's great.
- Yeah.

Yeah, how about you?
What are you up to?

Actually, I'm working at a
smaller boutique agency

right by the office. It's, uh...

Gives me a little more freedom,
you know? So, um...

How is Ralph? Is he...

- Good. Good.
- Yeah?

Yeah, he's good.

- Good. Good.
- Yeah.

What's he up to?

He is up to some of his own stuff.

Working on his own.

- Ok.
- Yeah.

Well, actually, I should
probably get going.

- Yeah, me, too.
- Ok.

You know what?
You should, um,

you should take a look at this.

What is it?

It's some of Ralph's new work.

I think you'll get
a kick out of it.

Ok.

- Take care, Peter.
- Take care.

Bye.

Yes!

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Why do I want every single one
of these women?!

Kid...

It's a snatch-22.

You love women,

and they hate you for it.

Honey, if you were a woman,
you'd be called a nymphomaniac.

Aw, yeah.

I think it has to do with down
inside every woman there is,

like, this psychological basement area.

Every man wants the perfect woman.

It's like a box, and inside
of it are a couple of things

that we want, like a bike or a mitt.

Men are always looking
for something better.

We're trying to get down
into the basement.

Who's down there?
Why is it so dark and cold?

It's human nature.

Guys just want to spread their seed.

Women still remember the first kiss

after men have forgotten the last.

It's all about propagating the species.

If you weren't out
ballin' so much,

the human race as we know it
would be finished.

Every woman has something
different to offer.

Short women, tall women,
fat women, dumb women,

bright women, quick women,
sluggish women.

They're all different.
They're all special.

They're all unique.

They all inspire.

Listen, Ralphie,

you will always be
attracted to many women.

You just have to find
one woman who you love.

And to betray her
would destroy you.

Respect. Menschkeit!

Falling in love.
That's the answer?

It always was, and it always will be.

Think about it. Oh!

Good-bye, Ralphie.

Thanks, grandma.

"And what will happen?
What do you think? When cream...

Through the screen
gives peaches a wink."

What? How?

A cat named Peaches
and a dog named Cream

get lost in the city
trying to find each other.

Oh my God.

Ralph, a children's book.

It is incredible.

But, I just...

I don't get the ending.

Why doesn't Cream just

break through the screen

and go get Peaches?

I wasn't sure if you...

I mean, Cream wasn't sure if Peaches

would have him.

Dog that he is.

You, Ralph, are
the cream in my coffee.

And you are definitely a peach.

You know, it's been
a pretty long time

since I, uh...

The next one should
be a doozie, then, huh?

I think so.

So, uh, maybe you should play hooky.
Take the rest of the day off.

Well, what did you have in mind?

Maybe a little love
in the afternoon.

Wait, the movie or...

- Oh.
- Hey.

Ow!

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Driving me crazy ♪

♪ With all those things you do ♪

♪ And I know ♪

♪ You want my lovin' ♪

♪ By the way that you
walk that walk ♪

♪ And the way that you
talk that talk ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Your moves amaze me ♪

♪ Say why don't you come over
and shake it for me, honey ♪

♪ 'Cause I know ♪

♪ You want my lovin' ♪

♪ By the way that your eyes
move to the floor when I look at you ♪

♪ Baby, won't you be mine? ♪

♪ If I could have you one time ♪

♪ You know I'm the one for you ♪

♪ I'll never stop you
from being you ♪

♪ I'll let you do
your own thing ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ You drive me crazy ♪

♪ And I can't live without you ♪

♪ I'll never, ever doubt you ♪

♪ 'Cause I know ♪

♪ You want my lovin' ♪

♪ Now that you know the way ♪

♪ I can make your body shiver ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Your eyes amaze me ♪

♪ I swear I can see your soul every time
we make love when I look at you ♪

♪ 'Cause I know ♪

♪ You want my lovin' ♪

♪ By the way that you hold me ♪

♪ You know my love is true ♪

♪ Baby, won't you be mine? ♪

♪ If I could have you one time ♪

♪ You know I'm the one for you ♪

♪ I'll never stop you
from being you ♪

♪ I'll let you do
your own thing ♪

♪ Baby, won't you be mine? ♪

♪ If I could have you one time ♪

♪ You know I'm the one for you ♪

♪ I'll never stop you
from being you ♪

♪ I'll let you do
your own thing ♪