All language subtitles for 3x2 chappelle show

- ¶ Chappelle's show ¶
- ¶ chappelle's show ¶

- ¶ chappelle's show ¶
- ¶ chappelle's show ¶

- ¶ chappelle's show ¶
- ¶ chappelle's show ¶

¶ oh, oh, oh ¶

Wait, wait, wait.

I don't think he's coming.

Oh.

Let's start the show.

Ladies and gentlemen,

donnell rawlings and Charlie Murphy!

Welcome to another episode of chappelle's show.

¶ Chappelle's show ¶

well, I actually hang out with Dave chappelle, right.

Every now and then, I would notice that Dave had

the ability to see into other people's scandals

and immediately identify the solution.

Now, y'all remember a few years back,

Howard Dean was running for president?

Messed up his whole campaign with his mouth?

Check this shit out.

Not only are we going to new Hampshire, tom harkin,

we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona

and north Dakota and new Mexico!

And we're going to California and Texas and New York!

And we're going to South Dakota

and Oregon and Washington and Michigan!

And then we're going to Washington, D.C.

To take back the white house!

Yah!

You know, Howard Dean should've just kept on with it.

This is what Dave would've done. Check this out.

You know something?

We're not just gonna go to new Hampshire, tom harkin.

We are gonna go to New York!

We're gonna go to Vermont!

We're gonna go to Oregon!

We're gonna go to Pittsburgh in Pennsylvania!

We're going to Cancun for spring break!

We're gonna go to Montreal!

We're going to Vancouver!

I'm going all over the world,

and then I'm coming all the way to Washington, D.C.

To take back the white house!

Bah!

Bah!

I'm gonna kick open the door of the oval office,

and I'm gonna chop that motherfucking desk in half!

Bah!

And then I'm gonna grab the secret service like this

and put him in a headlock and say, "bah!"

And then we're going straight into my bedroom,

I'm gonna grab my wife like this,

and we're like, "byah!"

And then I'm gonna wash up. I'm gonna wash up.

And I'm gonna be like this, "byah!"

Good night!

Thud!

He sets policy for this administration,

and I support the president.

90 seconds.

Well, I think it's important to remember

when you're talking about this issue

that vice president Cheney has a lesbian daughter,

and not only is his daughter a lesbian,

but his mom's a lesbian, and his sister's a lesbian,

and his greasy granny has holes in her panties!

Byah!

- Well, Gwen, let me...
- Byah!

Thank the senator for the kind
words he said about my family...

- Byah, byah!
- And our daughter.

Ya, byah!

Byah! I love lesbians! Byah!

I watched the l-word on showtime!

Byah!

Byah!

I got a tax policy that'll break your neck

byah! Got you all a check

goin' from Washington down to Vermont

down to... Byah!

Byah! Byah!

Yeah!

Byah!

Byah!

Yo, another big scandal that we all familiar with

was the Paris Hilton sex tape.

Yo, I studied that tape like a graduate student.

In the background, Eddie Griffin is on television.

So as they makin' love,

they makin' love to Eddie Griffin.

It's almost like Eddie Griffin is in the room with them

while they're having sex.

See, that's why, when you get famous,

you can never have the tv on when you're having sex

'cause one of your friends might be on the television,

and now it's like he's in the room

watching you do your thing.

Check it out.

Mmm-mmm... p.B. And j.!

This is pretty hefty punishment

for breaking one measly chimney.

Hey, Dave, it's me, alf.

Great work!

All right, I need a minute, girl.

Girl, you're gonna have to change the station, for real.

Oh...

Off the rim!

Hey, little fella.

Charles barkley?

You need some help there?

No, no, watch me take it to the hole.

Now I'm in the three- second Lane,

five, six, seven seconds!

I'm gonna have to turn the station.

Man, ooh-whee.

Sippy cup.

At least I can button my lip.

You need a heavy-duty zipper.

Hello, David.

Marla Gibbs?

Yes, it's me, Dave.

Ah...

Oh...

Ah...

Byah!

Yo, y'all stay right where you at.

We'll be back with more chappelle's show.

Byah!

- ¶ Chappelle's show ¶
- who's that? What the hell?

Welcome back to chappelle's show, ladies and gentlemen.

Another big scandal was the Gary Coleman scandal.

Remember when Gary Coleman got a job as a security guard?

Gary Coleman was a security guard.

Yeah.

Would he protect you from your nuts on down?

He was really a security guard.

This is what Dave had to say about it.

Check it out.

Hey, red eagle, this is Gary.

Everything's all right in candyland.

Hey! Hey! Get off the trampoline!

Get off the trampoline! Stop playing with it.

Oh, my God, it's Gary Coleman!

Oh, can I have your autograph?

Miss, please, I'm busy at work right now,

and I really don't like doing that anymore.

Thank you. I'm so sorry.

Well, could you at least say, "what you talkin' about?"

I love that!

Ooh, go on, say it. Go on, say it.

Miss, I'm sorry, I don't say that anymore,

and I wish you wouldn't bring it up.

It's a little painful for me, some tough times in my life,

and I'm really just trying to focus on what my life is now.

Thank you very much.

You's an asshole.

That's why your broke ass ain't famous now, fuckin' midget.

Bitch. What...

Red eagle, this is Gary.

I'm gonna have to take a little time-out.

A little time-out for Gary.

- Gettin' stronger for you.
- What you--what you--!

Byah!

I got you. Come on. Oh, yeah, come on.

Yeah.

Not the fish tank! Not the fish tank.

Now! Uh-huh, yeah!

Get out.

Gary Coleman?

You're supposed to be fighting crime, not causing it.

Sir, I am fighting crime, okay?

Check her pockets.

Oh, I...

I'm charging you with shoplifting, miss.

You dick! You planted those on me!

What you talkin' about, bitch?

- Yeah!
- Byah!

We'll be right back with more chappelle's show

after these messages.

¶ Chappelle's show ¶

I don't believe this, man.

Yeah, welcome back to chappelle's show, everybody.

Hey, have you ever been in a situation

where you may have felt, like, racially insecure?

And that was a white guy too.

I'm talking about a situation where, you know,

you actually altered your behavior

because you were afraid of the way, you know,

someone of a different color may react,

or they possibly may think

that you're living up to a stereotype.

Check this shit out.

Hello, Mr. chappelle.

Do you know what you'd like for your in-flight meal?

What are you serving?

Oh, we have fish or chicken.

Ooh-wee!

Chicken!

Go on, order you a big bucket, nigga, and take a bite!

You black motherfucker!

I'll have the fish. Thank you very much.

You son of a bitch! You don't want no fish!

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I just realized, we are all out of the fish.

Back in the game, baby!

But the chicken's quite good.

You can't beat fate, nigga! Get the chicken!

How is it prepared?

Oh, it's fried.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelu-hallelu-hallelujah!

You big-lipped bitch!

I'll have the fried chicken. Thank you.

Fried chicken. I need some music for this.

¶ Make way for the bird ¶

¶ make way for the bird ¶

here you go, sir.

Oh, chicken's on the deck.

You know what? He can have my fish.

God damn!

Thank you very, very much. I appreciate that a lot.

¶ Catfish, catfish ¶

it is not catfish, nigga.

¶ Catfish ¶

Funny thing--Dave was watching an episode of mtv cribs.

The ying Yang twins was on,

and he thought he saw the pixie again.

Check this out.

- My brother bought this.
- Ah!

- One more time!
- Ah!

- Say it again!
- Ah!

- We got new money.
- Hallelujah!

This is a '72.

Show 'em the monkeys!

Never thought I'd say this, but I'm embarrassed.

Don't clap too soon.

Hispanic people, don't get it twisted.

We got a el español reggaeton pixie.

So we just installed your stereo,

and your hyundai's all set.

Great. Thanks, man.

Can we interest you in anything else today

for your car, sir?

No, thanks, I'm good.

Just got these leopard skin seat covers in.

Be strong.

Come on, homes, it's fucking leopard, man.

Leopard!

How can you resist?

Leopard.

Tell you what, I just got a hot order,

and they fell off the back of a truck.

Throw me 80 bucks. It's a sweet deal.

And I'll throw in the Jesus air freshener for free.

Santa Maria! Jesus! Do it!

It's leopard! Illegal leopard!

Charo!

Quieres cocaina?

Si, me gusta.

Una mala influencia! El diablo!

Me voy de aqui!

Wait, wait, wait, wait! It's not over yet!

We've got an Asian pixie.

So we're on the same page with this?

Hi, Charlie.

Lala! Lala, yoshi. Yoshi, lala. Mtv.

Hi, yoshi.

Hello.

Carr her rara.

Carr her rara.

Herro, rara.

Hello.

Herro, rara. Herro, rara.

Herro, rara.

Hello, gorgeous.

No!

You have disgraced my famiry.

I aporogize!

That hurt very bad.

I see soft place to die.

Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no!

It's not over yet. White people, you're not safe.

We even got a white pixie.

So this is for all the crackers that ain't here!

Roll it!

Phil, what's crackin', son?

- I see you made it.
- What's up, fellas?

Oh, my God. Three black guys.

Well, you better hit 'em with their own vernacular.

Makes them feel more comfortable.

Tell to give you a hug if he's into getting rubbed.

I heard that on the radio on the way up here.

Give you a hug and give him some rub.

Tell him it's his birthday.

Then tell him you don't give a fuck that it's his birthday.

There is a lot of women in here tonight.

- Word.
- Odds are in our favor.

I don't know about you; I'm getting mine.

Phil, that's all you, man. Go get that ass.

My God, Phil, don't touch it!

Look at all that meat. It's superfluous.

Jingling and jangling.

What ever happened to some good old-fashioned pancake butt?

Now, that's what mom used to make.

Nice and flat.

No cup; It's not necessary.

And the line starts all the way at the bottom.

Not even like a line.

Like a tiny incision, if you will.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Want to dance?
- Dancing?

Phil, it's a trap.

She's gonna start doing some kind of shaky moves.

Whatever you do, you start dancing first.

Just hit her with the twist.

That's right.

Works every time.

Fast songs, slow songs.

This goddamn beat.

Keep twisting, Phil, for God's sakes.

Don't freak her!

Damn this b.E.T.

You look so comfortable, Phil.

Whatever happened to some good old-fashioned rock 'n' roll?

¶ The reflex is a lonely child ¶

¶ waiting by the park ¶

¶ every little thing the reflex does ¶

¶ is an answer with the question mark ¶

Yo, believe it or not, that sketch was probably

one of the most controversial sketches we had.

When we come back,

we're gonna talk to the audience about it

and see how y'all felt about that.

Hey, help us, robot. Help us.

Help us. Robot, help us.

As you may or may not have heard,

Dave said he has some problems with the pixie sketch.

We didn't know if we should air the sketch or not,

so we asked the audience what they thought about it.

Go ahead.

Yeah, I think--I mean, obviously,

all the sketches were funny.

It's funny that we can come together

and laugh at each other like that.

But I think the problems lies in the ignorant people at home

or possibly in here.

The problem comes in when people base their opinions

on these jokes.

I just want to say, I think everybody is

in the same situation as you sometimes.

And, I mean, I'm Jewish, and whenever I go out,

and whenever there's a bill to be split up,

I always overpay just so nobody brings up the stereotype.

I mean, everybody does it.

Jew-tang clan!

I think that Dave has always did a good job

of bringing race to the surface,

because we all think about it,

but, you know, he kind of makes it comfortable to talk about it.

And I've always appreciated that about this show.

- So what's your name?
- Monique.

Pony?

See? Black bitches always be hitting on you!

That's the pixie!

She don't even know me, and she beat me up!

All right.

I feel like it's derogatory to black and Spanish people,

but it plays on the good stereotypes of white people.

So even though there's a pixie for the white people,

it plays on that they're educated

and that, you know, they listen to rock music,

but that's not bad.

But to play on the "we like chicken,

and we like shuckin' and jive."

You know we like chicken.

- Everybody likes chicken, okay?
- That's what I'm saying, yeah.

Everybody likes chicken,

so for it to be a black stereotype

that we like fried chicken is, you know, it's not right.

I get out with my co-workers,

and, like, sometimes I feel like they say certain things

that, like, I don't think they would normally say--

like, "nigger, where's the weed?"

No, like--

That's okay, dog.

I mean, you know, they'll throw a little "son" in there,

you know, all that stuff-- "a'ight," "yeah."

And I'm, like-- I like comedy.

I like this show because it's kind of a relaxed way

for other people to look at other races

and see how people communicate,

'cause if I told them, like, I get upset.

It's like the "angry black guy."

But if you watch Dave chappelle, you see this sketch,

you like, now you know how I feel.

I don't--I feel like-- so when get out,

you don't need to say, "what up, shorty? Da da da."

Just I'm olu. I'm me.

Just be relaxed, easy.

I think he did an exceptional job.

As a hispanic person, I don't think it's any different

from when we make jokes about ourselves.

I think people need to stop being so sensitive.

Tom cruise look-alike motherfucker right here.

Stand up. What's your name?

- Gary.
- All right.

Fuck all that scientology shit.

All right, what's your comment?

We just played the sketch "the pixie."

About what that girl said before

about the negative/positive comments.

She said rock 'n' roll is good,

and fried chicken is bad.

I mean, it's not.

You know, it's not a crime to eat fried chicken.

It's not a bad stereotype.

You like fried chicken, right?

And watermelon is a delicious fruit.

See? See?

There you go.

I have to agree.

Like, I think that he touched on four different races

and, like, everybody should just be easy.

It was funny as hell, and just ride with it.

That's it. It's not that deep.

I've actually met Dave, and the impression I got

no matter what method he does or puts out there,

he's done his research.

If he touches you to the point to where you think about it,

I think the mission is done.

You go, girl.

I'm just joking!

Give me a hug. Give me a hug.

Fuck that shit.

I thought it was funny. I thought it was intelligent.

It was uncomfortable, and I think that's the point of it.

It's supposed to draw attention to peoples' stereotypes

and talk about it and make it funny.

That's why the show is successful, I think.

I think that's the joy.

You see a movie like crash,

and that's really preachy, I feel,

but then you see a sketch like this,

and it gets people talking and laughing.

And so as long as we're thinking about it, it's a good thing.

You took it from all levels. Everyone was touched.

So I think it was a variety, so that made it funny

and not just black people always feeling like

the joke is gonna be about me

because our stereotypes are more absurd, some people feel.

I thought it was funny, 'cause, you know--

not as funny as that jacket is.

I'm just saying! I'm just saying!

I'm just saying!

Keep it real!

No, I'm just saying, I thought it was funny.

I laughed.

That's real talk right there.

Give him a round of applause!

That's real talk!

And look, look--

- he got something else to say.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on.

You black--you don't got to explain shit.

You just hit a couple "know what I mean's"

you know what I mean? It was like--I was like, yo.

So it was like, bla-dow! A'ight?

Enough said, man.

I thought it was a lot like the racial draft,

which is one of my absolute favorite, favorite sketches.

I come from an interracial family,

you know, my brother is Jamaican and British.

Not a mercy.

Sometimes it makes people a little too comfortable

where they shouldn't be comfortable

when they hear some of these jokes.

Like, if they talk about the big butt jokes,

and, you know, a white person turns around says,

"yeah, you got a badonkadonk."

You know, and they make, like, funny jokes like that

that they might hear on the show.

And it's funny to hear Dave chappelle do it,

but I don't really want to come to the office

and hear you guys, you know,

making some of these funny, racist jokes,

you know what I mean?

Everybody has an inner racism.

My question is, how much do you have

before it gets you fucked up?

Perfect example-- and I'm telling you,

I got an inner racism in me.

If I see an Asian person, if I say, "where you from?"

And they're like, "Connecticut,"

I'm like, "you know what I'm talking about."

I was just thinking that maybe, you know,

the jokes weren't that serious.

Because, you know, fried chicken, it's all light,

but some of the issues--

it's light and crispy, yes.

I thought the sketch was cool,

but the only problem is, yeah, you included everybody,

but the white race is seen as more of like the generic race,

so it doesn't really affect them as much.

The flaw is the gonna be more on us, the hispanics,

yellow people, so I just wanted to say that.

It wasn't hard enough for you.

You felt that it was the softest one.

Exactly, because, again, the white race is the generic race,

so when there--if there is something that does happen,

they don't have to worry about anything.

There's another white one. There's two white ones.

So, look, let's show the second one.

How'd the white man get two pixies?

Boing!

Boing!

You look straight ahead, sir.

Don't let that scare you.

That is the bane of our existence,

the black penis.

And, remember, no matter how big his dick is,

at least you run the God damn world.

Yuck. Ah, it stinks.

It stinks.

Don't you worry. Must've drank a 40 ounce.

I'm a pixie.

Oh. Can you see me?

Yeah, I can see you.

Well, listen, this is an "a" and "b" conversation,

so why don't you just "c" your way out of it.

Saw that on one of your negro shows, Martin.

And why don't you see these nuts?

They're in your piss.

It burns!

My eyes! My Dickies!

You might have won this time, nigger.

I don't know how you saw me.

I'm gonna take a look at your tax return.

You must've made a lot of money

if you can see me.

Woogie boogie!

I forgot I did that.

Does that change anything now that you see we did--

he did two?

- No.
- No change? Nothing?

What if he did 100 white pixies? Would that change anything?

I don't think it's the responsibility of the show

to educate everyone in the world.

It's a comedy show.

And even if it is being a responsible comedy show,

no matter how responsible you are,

you're not gonna be able to educate everybody in the world,

so I think you have to stick to what your true goal is:

Making people laugh.

Thank you for watching another crazy episode

of chappelle's show.

We'll see you all next week.

Good night.

I'm rich, biyatch!

Honk! Honk!

Hi, thank you.

Even if, like, your friend called you on the phone

like, you know, you gonna be, like, real professional.

Like, I have a friend, like, I have my and myself.

Like, whenever he picks up the phone, like,

"yo, what up, nigga?" Like, "fuck that."

Like, you know, he keeps it real.

And, like, I understand it.

We don't know what the fuck you just said.

But you on tv, son. Fuck it, man.

He mixed up everything!

"You know, my friend, like, fuck it, like, yo, man.

"Buy my album. It's coming out 2009.

I'm going platinum for the chappelle's show, bitch."