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¶ Chappelle's show ¶
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¶ chappelle's show ¶
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- ¶ chappelle's show ¶
- ¶ chappelle's show ¶
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¶ chappelle's show ¶
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- ¶ chappelle's show ¶
- ¶ ah ¶
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I don't think he's coming.
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Oh.
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Let's start the show.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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put your hands together for Dave chappelle!
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Dave chappelle, going once...
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Dave chappelle, going twice...
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Fuck it.
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Ladies and gentlemen...
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Put your hands together
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for donnell rawlings and Charlie Murphy!
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Hey, look.
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Dave chappelle left the show.
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But I want y'all to know somethin'.
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Charlie Murphy is not mad at Dave chappelle.
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'Cause I happen to know if it wasn't for Dave chappelle,
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you motherfuckers would still be calling me
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Eddie Murphy's brother.
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You know... Somebody had to do this.
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I ain't want to be up here doing this.
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Speaking for me and donnell, as a matter of fact...
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Nigga, speak for yourself.
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I need all the camera time I can get, nigga!
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I'm goin' ass to the glass!
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Take a picture of me, son!
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Strike a pose!
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Keep talkin', nigga, whatever!
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Ahh!
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I'm tryin' to blow up.
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As we all know, money changes everything, right?
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And the funny thing, like, before Dave had all this money,
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man, a lot of people didn't know, like,
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how much Dave really was worth or how much he had
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and Dave had to find out a real crazy way
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that people knew that he had a lot of cash.
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Take a look at this.
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Yeah, welcome back to 106 & park,
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b.E.T.'S top ten live.
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So, you g'wan do your show again?
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It's lookin' that way.
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You must be paid... Big tv star.
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Nah, man, it's cable.
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I do all right, but nothin' to write home about.
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Congratulations to Dave chappelle!
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He's rakin' it in on the new season of the chappelle show,
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the Dave chappelle show.
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Reports say chappelle has received $55 million.
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They be lyin' like shit on tv, don't they?
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All right, you all set.
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How much I owe you, man?
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$11,000.
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Your chalkboard says $8, man.
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That's the old price.
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That is fucked up.
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You hear what I'm saying, bald head?
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Y'all gonna let him rob me?
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Huh? Hah?
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Pay up now, 11 in cash.
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All right. But for $11,000...
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Shave my balls then, nigga.
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Come on, get to cuttin'.
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How much I owe you?
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- Nice car.
- Yeah.
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Richest, funniest man in America.
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$873.
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Aw, come on, man, the sign say $28.
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I ain't playin' this shit today.
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That's the old price.
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What you mean, that's the old price, nigga?
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All right, man, let me get my checkbook
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and we work something out, all right?
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Let me get a picture with you.
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Fuck no, nigga...
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You got your camera, man?
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$25 million?
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That's half my money, man.
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You ain't do half the work.
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Shit.
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What if I don't wanna pay?
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What's that? Your sister's gun?
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You think that's the first time I had a gun put in my face?
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Nigga, that's the sixth time this has happened this week.
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That's why I got him around.
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Go ahead, pull your pistol out,
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let's have a little arms race in the room.
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Oh, no.
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They the government, man.
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I'm afraid of them.
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I pay you $4,000 a week to hold me down, nigga.
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Hold me down!
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$4,000 a week?
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You haven't filed for that.
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Both of you...
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Get buck naked.
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Damn it.
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You know what, dude?
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You fuckin' fired.
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- You know what?
- What?
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When you get out of here, you're in trouble, Jack.
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You just gonna let him threaten me like that?
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How you gonna get $25 million out of me
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if I got the nigga from green mile
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sittin' on me in the middle of "k" street?
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That's a good point.
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Freeze!
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Oh... shit!
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You all right, dog?
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You all right?
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Money...
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The root of all evil.
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The irs pulled the trigger,
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but your greed did this to me, Dave.
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Wh-why you sayin' that, man?
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You didn't have to do two more seasons
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no matter how good the show is.
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They're only gonna say it's not as good as last year was.
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I know... I already know that.
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You know-- you know what the key
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to keeping the show fresh is?
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What?
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You gotta...
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Come on, talk to me!
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You gotta...
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I'm dead.
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We had our own "ka-ching!" Moment, didn't we?
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Yeah, we did, man. This is crazy, man.
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Me and Charlie Murphy, because we've been under a lot of stress
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and both of us had our own "ka-chung!" Moment.
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Take a look at this.
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So where's Dave at, man?
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Africa.
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Africa Africa?
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Yeah.
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That mother...
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I'm broke, bitch!
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Hey, look, y'all, y'all got to stay where you at
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'cause we gonna be right back
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with some more chappelle's show.
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Oh, yeah, we got more for you.
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- ¶ Chappelle's show ¶
- who's that?
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Thank you.
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Hey, y'all remember when, when Chuck d said
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that hip-hop was like the CNN to the hood?
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I agree with him, but only partially, 'cause, see,
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all hip-hop ain't exactly newsworthy in my opinion.
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Check this shit out.
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And now, a hip-hop newsbreak with Chuck Taylor.
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Good evening, I'm Chuck Taylor.
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It's been a very busy day in the news.
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A lot of things have happened.
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A staten island man is listed in stable condition tonight
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after a brutal assault by rapper method man
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following an argument.
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The victim addressed the press earlier today.
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It was torture. Straight torture, son.
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First he put my nuts on the dresser.
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It was crazy--just my nuts.
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And then he banged them shits with a spiked bat, like "bow!"
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And then, he sewed my asshole shut.
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Kept feeding me and feeding me and feeding me!
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This all took place in the slums of shaolin.
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There was the rza, the gza, ol' dirty bastard,
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raekwon the chef, u-God, inspectah deck,
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and of course, the method man.
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The victim also said that
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at one point during the altercation,
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method man put a hanger on the stove
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and left it for, like, 40 minutes
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and then he stuck it in his ass real slow.
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Like, "sss..."
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At this point, method man is still at large,
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so stay tuned to news channel 3 for this and other stories.
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I'm Chuck Taylor.
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We'll be right back with more "chappelle's show"!
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¶ Chappelle's show ¶
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¶ chappelle's show ¶
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It's those guys.
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I'ma pose a question to the audience right now.
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If you mysteriously had $50 million
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out of nowhere tomorrow,
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would you use any of the money to maybe...
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Get revenge on somebody you had a grudge against?
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You would?
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The funny thing, Dave chappelle felt the same way.
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Check this out.
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Holy shit, it's Dave chappelle!
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Watch your mouth.
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Hey, little fella, is your, uh, is your dad around?
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No, he's at work.
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Where's he workin'?
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He works at the doughnut shop
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on Roscoe boulevard.
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Sounds lucrative.
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Do me a favor, squirt, run get your mom.
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Mom!
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Oh, my God.
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David.
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Oh...
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Oscar, go play with your toys.
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You don't mind if we come in, take a load off, do you?
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You know, David, I've been so proud of you all these years,
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and I want you to know that I'm really sorry
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about what happened between us.
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I mean, for Pete's sake, David, we were all just kids.
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Yeah. Yeah, we were kids.
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I mean, how were you gonna know
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that cheatin' on me the night that I asked you to marry me--
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with Jamal, of all people--
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would really give me trust issues
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that I struggle with to this very day.
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Well, the good news is, Jamal and I are still together,
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and he's legit now.
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I have a confession to make.
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I love you.
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I've loved you the entire time I've been away from you.
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I want you to marry me.
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Dave, I don't know what to say.
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Say yes.
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What about your wife?
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Shh...
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Her? It's over between us.
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What about my husband?
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What about him? Leave him.
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You don't need his doughnut shop money, I got you.
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Or you could stay around here; I'm sure you're comfortable.
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Give it a week.
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I'll send a jet for you to bring you to my home.
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If you're gonna come, I'll be there waitin'.
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It's done, baby.
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The divorce is final?
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It's all taken care of?
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Oh, thank God. This is for you.
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I want you to close your eyes, I got a surprise for you.
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Keep 'em closed.
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All right, open 'em!
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This my wife and my son!
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Girl, I didn't get no divorce-- we're happy as hell!
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Why did you do this to me?
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Why did I do it?
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'Cause I'm petty and lucky for me,
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my family's petty too.
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Nice shoes.
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Oh!
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Hold on, hold on. Look at that squirrel skin coat.
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Oh!
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Get that coat some peanuts.
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Go back to your husband.
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Oh, wait a minute.
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- Oh!
- Oh!
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All right, come on y'all, let's get out of here.
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Let's go to the amusement park.
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I don't know about you, but I want some doughnuts.
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How many squirrels must die for you to look fly?
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Hey, shonda,
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I'm rich, bitch!
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You son of a bitch.
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You son of a bitch.
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Knock, knock.
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Hope I'm not interrupting.
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Dave chappelle.
266
00:12:26,854 --> 00:12:30,288
Jerry Jacobs, casting agent extraordinaire.
267
00:12:30,290 --> 00:12:32,691
Oh, hello, Dave.
268
00:12:32,693 --> 00:12:35,593
Congratulations on all your success.
269
00:12:35,595 --> 00:12:37,829
Oh, thank you, Jerry. You know what?
270
00:12:37,831 --> 00:12:40,265
I got to say, this lady here has meant so much to me, man,
271
00:12:40,267 --> 00:12:43,201
in fueling the fire of my career,
272
00:12:43,203 --> 00:12:45,236
that I did a little something for you.
273
00:12:45,238 --> 00:12:46,638
What?
274
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:50,508
I know that ad time on the super bowl is expensive,
275
00:12:50,510 --> 00:12:54,379
but I hold in my hand an advertisement
276
00:12:54,381 --> 00:12:56,648
for Jerry Jacobs casting.
277
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:57,749
No.
278
00:12:57,751 --> 00:13:00,218
You might want to come see this.
279
00:13:02,155 --> 00:13:03,454
Hey, I'm Dave chappelle,
280
00:13:03,456 --> 00:13:04,689
and I'm here to say a few words
281
00:13:04,691 --> 00:13:07,092
about America's premiere casting agent.
282
00:13:07,094 --> 00:13:10,428
Of course, I'm talking about Jerry Jacobs.
283
00:13:10,430 --> 00:13:12,197
She sucks ass!
284
00:13:12,199 --> 00:13:13,665
Eight years ago at an audition,
285
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:15,567
Jerry had the nerve to tell me that I didn't have,
286
00:13:15,569 --> 00:13:17,902
and I'm quoting her, "it."
287
00:13:17,904 --> 00:13:19,304
Man, was that bitch wrong!
288
00:13:20,841 --> 00:13:22,507
But don't take my word for it.
289
00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:25,510
One time Jerry called me a "nigga"
290
00:13:25,512 --> 00:13:27,311
on the set of jungle fever.
291
00:13:27,313 --> 00:13:28,480
I never said that.
292
00:13:28,482 --> 00:13:30,382
Kiss my black ass, Jerry.
293
00:13:30,384 --> 00:13:32,050
Two times!
294
00:13:32,052 --> 00:13:33,117
Give me some.
295
00:13:33,119 --> 00:13:35,086
That's Jerry Jacobs casting.
296
00:13:35,088 --> 00:13:37,522
Don't hire her 'cause she sucks ass,
297
00:13:37,524 --> 00:13:39,257
and she's a racist.
298
00:13:39,259 --> 00:13:40,425
You can see more of Jerry
299
00:13:40,427 --> 00:13:43,128
in this month's cameltoe magazine.
300
00:13:43,130 --> 00:13:45,029
Oh, my God, Jerry.
301
00:13:45,031 --> 00:13:46,598
Got some bad news for you.
302
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,733
You're fuckin' done, son!
303
00:13:48,735 --> 00:13:50,735
It's over.
304
00:13:50,737 --> 00:13:53,605
¶ A moment like this ¶
305
00:13:53,607 --> 00:13:56,874
¶ some people wait a lifetime ¶
306
00:13:56,876 --> 00:14:00,145
¶ for a moment, mo... ¶
307
00:14:00,147 --> 00:14:01,079
¶ Jerry Jacobs ¶
308
00:14:19,966 --> 00:14:22,367
Dave?
309
00:14:22,369 --> 00:14:25,169
Steve.
310
00:14:25,171 --> 00:14:27,205
Oh, my God, what happened?
311
00:14:27,207 --> 00:14:29,707
What hap--I mean, how did you get in the, um...
312
00:14:29,709 --> 00:14:32,010
End up in the chair?
313
00:14:32,012 --> 00:14:35,346
I got into a bad car accident a few years ago
314
00:14:35,348 --> 00:14:38,149
not long after you left here.
315
00:14:38,151 --> 00:14:40,252
I'm sorry to hear that, man.
316
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,120
It's all right, man.
317
00:14:42,122 --> 00:14:45,991
You know everybody around here is real proud of you, Dave.
318
00:14:45,993 --> 00:14:47,158
In fact, just the other day,
319
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,294
I was talking about you with Jay rizzo.
320
00:14:49,296 --> 00:14:50,562
You remember him?
321
00:14:50,564 --> 00:14:53,498
Yeah, Jay rizzo, whatever happened to that guy?
322
00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:55,099
He's in a wheelchair too, man.
323
00:14:55,101 --> 00:14:57,101
Damn.
324
00:14:57,103 --> 00:15:00,906
Can I be honest with you for a second, papa?
325
00:15:00,908 --> 00:15:03,374
I'm really glad you came here today
326
00:15:03,376 --> 00:15:07,945
because I've been wanting to apologize to you for years.
327
00:15:07,947 --> 00:15:10,649
Banning you from the club was the biggest mistake
328
00:15:10,651 --> 00:15:12,517
I ever made.
329
00:15:12,519 --> 00:15:14,219
I know this doesn't mean anything to you,
330
00:15:14,221 --> 00:15:18,723
but I just want you to know that I'm sorry...
331
00:15:18,725 --> 00:15:21,126
And I always knew from the bottom of my heart
332
00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:23,361
that you were going to make it.
333
00:15:23,363 --> 00:15:25,864
Oh, man.
334
00:15:25,866 --> 00:15:28,900
Steve.
335
00:15:28,902 --> 00:15:31,436
I came here to get revenge on you, man.
336
00:15:31,438 --> 00:15:33,305
- You did?
- Yeah, man.
337
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:34,506
I was gonna burn your club down.
338
00:15:34,508 --> 00:15:35,974
You don't smell that gas?
339
00:15:37,710 --> 00:15:40,011
I know that's wrong, but I was just so mad all these years
340
00:15:40,013 --> 00:15:41,012
for you banning me.
341
00:15:41,014 --> 00:15:44,148
It was just--I'm sorry, man.
342
00:15:44,150 --> 00:15:46,183
All these years I walked around with that weight
343
00:15:46,185 --> 00:15:49,887
and now I feel like you lifted it.
344
00:15:49,889 --> 00:15:51,856
Thank you.
345
00:15:51,858 --> 00:15:53,992
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
346
00:15:53,994 --> 00:15:56,327
Thank you for making this that much sweeter,
347
00:15:56,329 --> 00:15:57,328
you son of a bitch.
348
00:15:57,330 --> 00:16:00,365
Hey, hey! What the fuck, man?
349
00:16:00,367 --> 00:16:02,234
Not the stairs, man.
350
00:16:19,652 --> 00:16:22,521
Oh, I love it when a plan comes together.
351
00:16:32,031 --> 00:16:33,765
Whoa, nice--oh, let me see what you got.
352
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:36,501
Oh, oh, I just want to hold him.
353
00:16:40,006 --> 00:16:43,007
Oh!
354
00:16:43,009 --> 00:16:45,410
That little motherfucker, bye!
355
00:16:49,048 --> 00:16:51,049
We'll be back with more chappelle's show
356
00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:53,185
right after these messages!
357
00:16:58,358 --> 00:16:59,758
- Okay.
- Robot, help us please!
358
00:17:02,061 --> 00:17:04,563
Thank you, thank you.
359
00:17:05,632 --> 00:17:07,065
Hey, yo.
360
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:10,368
You ever been in the club and a new Tupac record come out?
361
00:17:11,571 --> 00:17:13,138
It's--he's living!
362
00:17:15,374 --> 00:17:18,709
If Elvis is live, Tupac is alive!
363
00:17:18,711 --> 00:17:20,645
I saw Tupac on 42nd street
364
00:17:20,647 --> 00:17:23,949
selling biggie t-shirts two for $10, man.
365
00:17:25,686 --> 00:17:27,285
Tupac lives!
366
00:17:30,089 --> 00:17:34,492
Let's just say his lyrics were a little bit before they time.
367
00:17:34,494 --> 00:17:35,961
Check this out.
368
00:17:38,464 --> 00:17:41,466
Exclusive, here's that new Tupac.
369
00:17:51,277 --> 00:17:54,145
¶ listen close as life turns its pages ¶
370
00:17:54,147 --> 00:17:57,715
¶ machiavelli here kickin' rhymes for the ages ¶
371
00:17:57,717 --> 00:17:58,949
¶ see things in stages ¶
372
00:17:58,951 --> 00:18:01,519
¶ wise words spoken by sages ¶
373
00:18:01,521 --> 00:18:04,055
¶ from skytel to BlackBerry pagers ¶
374
00:18:04,057 --> 00:18:05,290
¶ your crew don't phase us ¶
375
00:18:05,292 --> 00:18:07,058
¶ we'll make you busters pay us ¶
376
00:18:07,060 --> 00:18:10,194
¶ run up in your spot like c.J. From San Andreas ¶
377
00:18:10,196 --> 00:18:12,796
¶ I wrote this song a long time ago ¶
378
00:18:12,798 --> 00:18:15,366
¶ a real long time ago ¶
379
00:18:15,368 --> 00:18:16,701
¶ feel me ¶
380
00:18:16,703 --> 00:18:19,404
¶ I wrote this song a long time ago ¶
381
00:18:19,406 --> 00:18:21,639
¶ it was the dopest song I ever wrote ¶
382
00:18:21,641 --> 00:18:22,873
¶ in '94 ¶
383
00:18:22,875 --> 00:18:24,776
¶ what can a nigga do ¶
384
00:18:24,778 --> 00:18:28,112
¶ when half the people voted for George w. ¶
385
00:18:28,114 --> 00:18:30,481
¶ bouncin' checks from George w. ¶
386
00:18:30,483 --> 00:18:31,916
¶ can't be true ¶
387
00:18:31,918 --> 00:18:33,885
¶ better choke him 'cause he's a snitch ¶
388
00:18:33,887 --> 00:18:36,588
¶ I'm talking about George w. Smith ¶
389
00:18:36,590 --> 00:18:38,055
¶ from city council ¶
390
00:18:38,057 --> 00:18:40,458
¶ he ran in '93 out in Oakland ¶
391
00:18:40,460 --> 00:18:42,327
¶ you probably didn't hear about him ¶
392
00:18:42,329 --> 00:18:44,929
¶ I wrote this song a long time ago ¶
393
00:18:44,931 --> 00:18:47,498
¶ a real long time ago ¶
394
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:50,702
¶ way before slim shady was in demand ¶
395
00:18:50,704 --> 00:18:53,704
¶ way before we dropped bologna on Afghanistan ¶
396
00:18:53,706 --> 00:18:56,941
¶ I wrote this song in '94 ¶
397
00:18:56,943 --> 00:18:59,210
¶ how am I doing this? ¶
398
00:19:01,347 --> 00:19:02,746
¶ look around the club ¶
399
00:19:02,748 --> 00:19:05,984
¶ see everyone in the place showin' pac love ¶
400
00:19:05,986 --> 00:19:07,618
¶ got a smile on my face ¶
401
00:19:07,620 --> 00:19:10,688
¶ the girl in the miniskirt has bad taste ¶
402
00:19:10,690 --> 00:19:12,056
¶ 'cause that shirt don't match ¶
403
00:19:12,058 --> 00:19:14,459
¶ there's a pudding stain on the back ¶
404
00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:17,728
¶ what the fuck is that? ¶
405
00:19:17,730 --> 00:19:20,498
¶ it might be doo-doo ¶
406
00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:22,900
¶ and you in the back, you ain't shit ¶
407
00:19:22,902 --> 00:19:25,903
¶ you bought a gin and tonic, but you didn't even tip ¶
408
00:19:25,905 --> 00:19:28,239
¶ and if you hit this table one more time ¶
409
00:19:28,241 --> 00:19:29,807
¶ then the record might skip ¶
410
00:19:29,809 --> 00:19:30,875
¶ might skip ¶
411
00:19:30,877 --> 00:19:32,143
¶ I told you ¶
412
00:19:32,145 --> 00:19:34,045
¶ stop hitting the table ¶
413
00:19:34,047 --> 00:19:35,446
¶ Tupac is raw ¶
414
00:19:35,448 --> 00:19:38,483
¶ I wrote this rhyme in 1994 ¶
415
00:19:38,485 --> 00:19:41,719
¶ I'm not alive ¶
416
00:19:41,721 --> 00:19:43,487
¶ thug life ¶
417
00:19:43,489 --> 00:19:44,555
¶ Dave chappelle ¶
418
00:19:44,557 --> 00:19:46,691
¶ that ain't your wife ¶
419
00:19:46,693 --> 00:19:50,728
¶ damn, man, go back to your kids ¶
420
00:19:50,730 --> 00:19:52,997
¶ go home ¶
421
00:19:52,999 --> 00:19:55,566
¶ I wrote this song a long time ago ¶
422
00:19:55,568 --> 00:19:57,835
¶ a real long time ago ¶
423
00:19:57,837 --> 00:20:01,139
¶ way before beanie sigel had to do a bid ¶
424
00:20:01,141 --> 00:20:04,342
¶ way before Dave chappelle had two kids ¶
425
00:20:04,344 --> 00:20:06,077
¶ don't give him no hoochie ¶
426
00:20:08,314 --> 00:20:09,814
Tupac, rest in peace.
427
00:20:13,052 --> 00:20:14,885
¶ okay, I will ¶
428
00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:21,993
Thank y'all for watching chappelle's show.
429
00:20:21,995 --> 00:20:24,261
Good night!
430
00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:29,634
I'm rich, biatch!
431
00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:32,704
Hi, thank you.
432
00:20:34,374 --> 00:20:38,075
All right, here it comes.
433
00:20:38,077 --> 00:20:40,778
The victim also said that at one point during the altercation
434
00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:43,814
method man put a hanger on the stove and left it--
435
00:20:49,356 --> 00:20:52,189
Ready?
436
00:20:52,191 --> 00:20:54,993
The victim also said that at one point during the altercation
437
00:20:54,995 --> 00:20:56,494
method man put a hanger on the stove
438
00:20:56,496 --> 00:20:58,162
and left it for, like, 40 minutes.
439
00:20:58,164 --> 00:20:59,163
And then--
440
00:21:03,669 --> 00:21:04,936
Oh, shit.
30692
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