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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,251 --> 00:00:03,855 [dramatic electronic tones] 2 00:00:03,921 --> 00:00:06,523 [cat meows] 3 00:00:06,578 --> 00:00:09,271 Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull 4 00:00:10,660 --> 00:00:14,564 [anxious violin, piano music] 5 00:00:15,732 --> 00:00:16,968 [Radio DJ] Happy Fourth of July 6 00:00:17,034 --> 00:00:19,669 to everybody out in the beautiful US of A tonight. 7 00:00:19,736 --> 00:00:22,006 How about some tunes for those barbecues? 8 00:00:22,073 --> 00:00:22,940 All right. 9 00:00:24,809 --> 00:00:27,611 Oh yeah, I'm having the best Fourth of July ever. 10 00:00:27,677 --> 00:00:30,680 Driving through these dark ass woods all alone. 11 00:00:31,949 --> 00:00:33,985 It's cool, it's fine, it's great. 12 00:00:35,685 --> 00:00:36,921 Fucking kill me. 13 00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:41,525 [patriotic trumpet music] 14 00:00:44,594 --> 00:00:46,998 [engine sputters] 15 00:00:47,064 --> 00:00:48,565 No fucking way. 16 00:00:49,533 --> 00:00:50,700 No fucking way. 17 00:00:51,936 --> 00:00:52,837 Shit. 18 00:01:02,512 --> 00:01:04,882 [fireworks booming] 19 00:01:04,949 --> 00:01:06,616 I didn't think I'd be able to hear 20 00:01:06,683 --> 00:01:09,921 fireworks from all the way out here. 21 00:01:09,987 --> 00:01:12,056 [head thuds] [Jennifer growls] 22 00:01:12,123 --> 00:01:13,657 Fucking bullshit. 23 00:01:16,928 --> 00:01:19,831 [foliage rustling] 24 00:01:19,897 --> 00:01:23,067 Look, whoever's out there, this isn't funny, okay? 25 00:01:23,134 --> 00:01:27,604 I'm lost and out of my element and I get scared easily. 26 00:01:27,671 --> 00:01:29,807 I'm trying to find my friends, 27 00:01:30,875 --> 00:01:32,944 my friends that are Navy SEALs. 28 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:36,047 They have trained experience 29 00:01:36,113 --> 00:01:40,084 with kahrv magah or however the fuck you say it 30 00:01:40,151 --> 00:01:42,753 and they're expecting me, 31 00:01:43,955 --> 00:01:45,756 so don't try any shit. 32 00:01:47,892 --> 00:01:49,026 'Cause they're gonna find me. 33 00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:54,131 Pull it together, Jennifer. 34 00:01:55,166 --> 00:01:57,034 [Jennifer screams] 35 00:01:57,101 --> 00:01:59,703 [zombie growls, hisses] 36 00:01:59,770 --> 00:02:02,940 [patriotic trumpet music] 37 00:02:03,007 --> 00:02:03,908 No! 38 00:02:05,877 --> 00:02:07,011 No, no, no FUCK 39 00:02:07,078 --> 00:02:09,379 No, no, no, no, oh my god! FUCK! 40 00:02:10,915 --> 00:02:11,816 Oh my god! 41 00:02:13,084 --> 00:02:13,985 Oh my god! 42 00:02:17,822 --> 00:02:18,722 The party. 43 00:02:19,757 --> 00:02:21,125 Everyone's waiting. 44 00:02:22,193 --> 00:02:24,561 I don't think I'm gonna make it 45 00:02:24,628 --> 00:02:25,930 to the party. 46 00:02:25,997 --> 00:02:28,966 [Radio DJ] Here's another classic American jam for you. 47 00:02:29,033 --> 00:02:32,669 [tense electronic tones] 48 00:02:37,942 --> 00:02:42,046 [patriotic trumpet, violin music] 49 00:03:10,207 --> 00:03:12,076 Happy Fourth of July, mother fuckers. 50 00:03:15,980 --> 00:03:17,580 Too Cold. 51 00:03:17,647 --> 00:03:18,916 [Nate panting] 52 00:03:18,983 --> 00:03:20,617 [Mary] Marcus, it's too cold in here. 53 00:03:20,684 --> 00:03:21,953 [Marcus] Okay, it's cold in here 54 00:03:22,019 --> 00:03:23,888 but it's like 100 degrees outside. 55 00:03:23,955 --> 00:03:25,756 Would you guys rather freeze to death or burn to death? 56 00:03:25,823 --> 00:03:27,724 [Mary] If I say burn to death, will you turn the AC down? 57 00:03:27,792 --> 00:03:29,693 You'd like that, wouldn't you? 58 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,862 [tires screeching] 59 00:03:31,929 --> 00:03:34,664 Whoa, shoot, I think the car's stuck. 60 00:03:35,933 --> 00:03:38,135 Okay, can we at least get some fresh air? 61 00:03:40,237 --> 00:03:42,773 I already feel the sweat coming on. 62 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:44,775 - Ooh. - Get away from me. 63 00:03:46,243 --> 00:03:47,744 All right, I should probably go check the tire. 64 00:03:52,817 --> 00:03:55,152 Oh my gosh, did you see this photo Nate just posted? 65 00:03:55,219 --> 00:03:58,022 Yeah, "Guns out, fun's out." 66 00:03:59,023 --> 00:04:00,657 He's such an idiot. 67 00:04:00,724 --> 00:04:02,726 Hey, come on now, he's your brother. 68 00:04:02,793 --> 00:04:04,261 Half-brother, he's your boyfriend. 69 00:04:05,763 --> 00:04:07,098 I thought you were doing better? 70 00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:10,901 Yeah, I mean it's not bad, it's just not- 71 00:04:10,968 --> 00:04:14,105 - Great, I think the tires are stuck on both sides. 72 00:04:16,107 --> 00:04:19,777 Let me check the tail light. 73 00:04:20,878 --> 00:04:22,146 The tail light? 74 00:04:23,781 --> 00:04:25,648 Look, I shouldn't have said anything. 75 00:04:25,715 --> 00:04:27,852 Nate promised me that he was gonna behave tonight. 76 00:04:27,918 --> 00:04:29,220 So we're just gonna have fun. 77 00:04:30,855 --> 00:04:32,722 Right Angela, fun? 78 00:04:34,258 --> 00:04:35,860 Look at the comments on Nate's picture. 79 00:04:35,926 --> 00:04:37,028 People are even stupider than- 80 00:04:37,094 --> 00:04:39,864 - I thought we agreed no phones on this trip? 81 00:04:39,930 --> 00:04:41,232 - No, we didn't. - No. 82 00:04:41,298 --> 00:04:42,299 - We didn't? - No. 83 00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:46,736 Oh god, well then who did I make that agreement with? 84 00:04:46,804 --> 00:04:47,537 I don't know. 85 00:04:50,074 --> 00:04:51,175 That's weird. 86 00:04:51,242 --> 00:04:52,910 Okay anyways, listen, 87 00:04:55,312 --> 00:04:56,914 let me check under the car. 88 00:04:58,249 --> 00:05:00,151 Okay, so what's the plan? 89 00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:02,685 A couple of drinks or college drunk? 90 00:05:02,753 --> 00:05:05,056 Ooh, college drunk. 91 00:05:05,122 --> 00:05:06,257 [Angela] All right. 92 00:05:06,323 --> 00:05:08,125 All right. 93 00:05:08,192 --> 00:05:10,861 All right chitters, enough chatting or whatever. 94 00:05:10,928 --> 00:05:12,029 Let's give this thing a shot. 95 00:05:12,096 --> 00:05:13,998 I'm gonna go ahead and step on the gas here. 96 00:05:14,065 --> 00:05:15,900 Angela, you use your little hand and go 97 00:05:15,966 --> 00:05:18,202 from blue to red on the AC thing there or whatever. 98 00:05:18,269 --> 00:05:19,303 Mary- 99 00:05:19,370 --> 00:05:20,771 - Okay, why don't I just get out 100 00:05:20,838 --> 00:05:22,239 and push while you rev the gas? 101 00:05:23,841 --> 00:05:24,942 I hadn't thought of that. 102 00:05:25,009 --> 00:05:27,178 See, that's why they pay you the big bucks. 103 00:05:27,244 --> 00:05:28,979 I know. 104 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,916 Up, up and away. 105 00:05:33,851 --> 00:05:35,252 Down, down, down, shit. 106 00:05:37,354 --> 00:05:38,989 Putting all the meats, all the meats 107 00:05:39,056 --> 00:05:41,058 into the freezer for my friends. 108 00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:45,996 [freezer hums] 109 00:05:50,968 --> 00:05:51,869 Good job, Nate. 110 00:05:53,838 --> 00:05:56,107 Ow, damn, that smarts. 111 00:05:56,173 --> 00:05:59,243 [mysterious chiming] 112 00:06:01,112 --> 00:06:02,012 Well now, 113 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:07,952 this party just went from 10 to 1776. 114 00:06:24,168 --> 00:06:27,138 [ominous violin tones] 115 00:06:27,204 --> 00:06:28,372 Spooky. 116 00:06:28,439 --> 00:06:29,340 Marcus. 117 00:06:31,175 --> 00:06:33,244 This place is a lot creepier than I remember. 118 00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,946 What's so creepy about it out here? 119 00:06:36,013 --> 00:06:37,781 Is it the fact that we're two miles 120 00:06:37,848 --> 00:06:39,183 away from the closest neighbor? 121 00:06:40,851 --> 00:06:41,919 Or what about the fact that the only road 122 00:06:41,986 --> 00:06:44,654 in and out is a winding gravelly nightmare? 123 00:06:46,056 --> 00:06:47,391 Or is it that redneck gas station 124 00:06:47,458 --> 00:06:49,927 attendant that told us not to come out here? 125 00:06:51,195 --> 00:06:52,963 - Or is it the- - Hey, uh, Marcus? 126 00:06:53,030 --> 00:06:55,332 Why do you have a small arsenal in the back of your car? 127 00:06:55,399 --> 00:06:58,135 Oh, Nate wanted me to bring some fireworks. 128 00:06:58,202 --> 00:06:59,970 Aren't fireworks illegal out here? 129 00:07:00,037 --> 00:07:02,206 Yeah, because they're super dangerous. 130 00:07:02,273 --> 00:07:03,274 Yeah. 131 00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:05,809 Illegal, dangerous. 132 00:07:05,876 --> 00:07:07,311 What about dope as fuck? 133 00:07:07,378 --> 00:07:10,948 [mid tempo dance music] 134 00:07:11,949 --> 00:07:13,250 Okay, fine. 135 00:07:13,317 --> 00:07:16,353 I'll only bring the ones with labels written in English. 136 00:07:16,420 --> 00:07:17,888 Buzzkill. 137 00:07:17,955 --> 00:07:21,458 [mid tempo electronic music] 138 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:25,262 Hello? 139 00:07:51,155 --> 00:07:53,190 Yo. 140 00:07:53,257 --> 00:07:56,260 One if by land, two if by sea. 141 00:07:56,327 --> 00:07:58,395 You fuckers are here to party with me. 142 00:08:02,066 --> 00:08:03,334 I didn't even hear you guys come in. 143 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:04,935 You could be getting murdered up here, 144 00:08:05,002 --> 00:08:06,870 I'd never know the difference. 145 00:08:06,937 --> 00:08:08,105 [Angela] I guess it's good that we weren't then. 146 00:08:09,206 --> 00:08:11,175 [Nate and Mary] Babe. 147 00:08:11,242 --> 00:08:14,178 Stop, stop, stop, the sun's still up. 148 00:08:14,245 --> 00:08:18,148 Hey listen, so I brought that sexy Uncle Sam costume. 149 00:08:18,215 --> 00:08:20,251 [Mary] Oh my god, seriously, you brought that with you? 150 00:08:20,317 --> 00:08:22,286 [Nate] What? It's gonna be so hot. 151 00:08:22,353 --> 00:08:25,022 You're gonna be hot, babe, you are so hot. 152 00:08:26,323 --> 00:08:28,459 [Mary] Oh my god, stop it, you're being gross. 153 00:08:28,525 --> 00:08:30,961 I'm not doing that shit while Ange and everybody are here. 154 00:08:31,028 --> 00:08:32,997 [Nate] Oh come on, it's the Fourth of July. 155 00:08:33,063 --> 00:08:35,366 It only comes around once a year, please, please? 156 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:37,001 - No. - I want you. 157 00:08:39,036 --> 00:08:41,138 We're not doing the sexy Uncle Sam again, okay? 158 00:08:41,205 --> 00:08:43,173 - It's weird that you like that. - Hey Nate. 159 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:46,210 Hey Nate, you have any where I can plug in my air purifier? 160 00:08:46,277 --> 00:08:48,112 I have allergies, you know. 161 00:08:48,178 --> 00:08:51,081 Yeah bro, plug it into that power strip over there. 162 00:08:51,148 --> 00:08:52,383 - All right. - Yeah. 163 00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:53,384 Knucks. 164 00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:54,218 Careful of the beer. 165 00:09:01,392 --> 00:09:04,528 Hey Mary, you want to give me a hand outside real quick? 166 00:09:04,595 --> 00:09:05,462 Yeah, sure. 167 00:09:18,442 --> 00:09:22,980 Nate, I understand what you've done with the place. 168 00:09:23,047 --> 00:09:24,348 Yeah, yeah. 169 00:09:24,415 --> 00:09:26,250 Thanks, thanks. 170 00:09:26,317 --> 00:09:27,318 Yeah. 171 00:09:27,384 --> 00:09:28,952 - Red, white. - Blue. 172 00:09:29,019 --> 00:09:30,988 - Blue. - Yeah, it's fitting. 173 00:09:31,055 --> 00:09:32,523 Yeah, I thought so, I thought so. 174 00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:38,195 Hey, I got the food for you, by the way. 175 00:09:38,262 --> 00:09:41,265 I tried to get the stuff that your mom used to make for us. 176 00:09:41,332 --> 00:09:43,300 [Angela] Yeah, it's an honest effort. 177 00:09:46,236 --> 00:09:49,440 Well hey, thanks for coming back. 178 00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:50,541 Yeah, of course. 179 00:09:50,607 --> 00:09:52,142 No, I wouldn't want to miss it. 180 00:09:53,110 --> 00:09:53,977 Cool, good. 181 00:09:54,044 --> 00:09:55,079 - Yeah. - Yeah. 182 00:09:55,145 --> 00:09:58,982 And thank you too, by the way. 183 00:09:59,049 --> 00:10:01,285 Oh, for what? 184 00:10:01,352 --> 00:10:02,519 For thanking me. 185 00:10:04,088 --> 00:10:05,422 - Right. - Yeah. 186 00:10:05,489 --> 00:10:07,424 - Yeah, don't mention it. - Cool. 187 00:10:10,661 --> 00:10:13,364 Hey Nate, what happened to all your tires? 188 00:10:13,430 --> 00:10:15,199 - They're like shredded. - Oh yeah. 189 00:10:15,265 --> 00:10:17,601 That winding gravelly nightmare road really tore 'em up. 190 00:10:17,668 --> 00:10:19,269 It's definitely worse since last time. 191 00:10:19,336 --> 00:10:21,271 How are you gonna get home? 192 00:10:21,338 --> 00:10:23,607 That sounds like a problem for future Nate. 193 00:10:23,674 --> 00:10:25,609 That's right, oh, coming in hot. 194 00:10:25,676 --> 00:10:28,212 - Look at that, it's a snail. - That's cool. 195 00:10:29,279 --> 00:10:31,081 You pussies gotta catch up. 196 00:10:33,384 --> 00:10:36,453 Hey babe, did you invite that girl, what's her nuts? 197 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,255 Juanita, Jamilla? 198 00:10:38,322 --> 00:10:39,390 Jennifer? 199 00:10:39,456 --> 00:10:41,291 Arguably the most common name in America. 200 00:10:44,161 --> 00:10:45,496 She picked up a shift at work. 201 00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,431 She'll be here after she gets off. 202 00:10:47,498 --> 00:10:49,099 Oh, that's awesome, I didn't think she was gonna make it. 203 00:10:49,166 --> 00:10:50,467 Oh fuck yes, Jennifer's the best. 204 00:10:50,534 --> 00:10:52,236 I know, right? She's hilarious. 205 00:10:52,302 --> 00:10:54,138 That bit that she does when 206 00:10:54,204 --> 00:10:55,105 she acts like a cowboy and she's like "Yippie-ki-yay!" 207 00:10:56,273 --> 00:10:59,076 "I've got a boot in my snake," or whatever. 208 00:10:59,143 --> 00:11:01,645 Yeah, oh Jennifer. 209 00:11:01,712 --> 00:11:03,647 She's always the life of the party. 210 00:11:03,714 --> 00:11:04,615 Yeah. 211 00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:12,456 Hey Nate, what kind of beer is this? 212 00:11:12,523 --> 00:11:14,591 This is American Bohemian, 213 00:11:14,658 --> 00:11:17,361 the official beer of patriotism. 214 00:11:19,196 --> 00:11:22,332 That's weird, the first ingredient listed is Americana. 215 00:11:22,399 --> 00:11:23,667 I mean, I guess that's more 216 00:11:23,734 --> 00:11:26,069 of an idea than a tangible ingredient. 217 00:11:26,136 --> 00:11:28,138 Oh yeah, well you're just mad because it's not 218 00:11:28,205 --> 00:11:32,209 your bullshit pretentious hipster single malt home-brewed 219 00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:36,280 hamster-picked apple ginger kombucha buttplug NPR beer. 220 00:11:36,346 --> 00:11:38,649 Okay guys, we're here to have 221 00:11:38,715 --> 00:11:40,317 a good time just like we used to. 222 00:11:40,384 --> 00:11:41,652 Yeah, a good time. 223 00:11:41,718 --> 00:11:43,153 Remember Spring Break four years ago? 224 00:11:43,220 --> 00:11:44,321 - Mm hmm. - Yeah, 225 00:11:44,388 --> 00:11:45,689 and Summer Break four years ago. 226 00:11:45,757 --> 00:11:47,357 And Winter Break four years ago. 227 00:11:47,424 --> 00:11:48,692 - Yeah. - Yeah. 228 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,427 - And then- - All right, yeah, we get it. 229 00:11:50,494 --> 00:11:51,295 We had a good time four years ago. 230 00:11:51,361 --> 00:11:52,162 Yeah, I just, 231 00:11:53,464 --> 00:11:55,632 I just want to have a good time, woo. 232 00:11:55,699 --> 00:11:58,402 Oh yeah, that's the spirit. 233 00:11:58,469 --> 00:12:01,104 Well, Evan is gonna be here soon. 234 00:12:01,171 --> 00:12:02,372 Shut up, Evan's coming? 235 00:12:03,674 --> 00:12:05,542 He didn't respond to my text-vitation. 236 00:12:05,609 --> 00:12:06,710 Well, he texted me. 237 00:12:09,313 --> 00:12:10,581 What? 238 00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:12,583 I guess you guys just drifted apart. 239 00:12:14,184 --> 00:12:16,687 Yeah, drifted apart? Bullshit. 240 00:12:16,754 --> 00:12:19,490 Beta Beta Betas never drift apart from your Beta bro 241 00:12:19,556 --> 00:12:22,726 'cause Beta bros have the best bonds, baby. 242 00:12:24,595 --> 00:12:28,265 Babe, why don't you help me take my bags upstairs, okay? 243 00:12:28,332 --> 00:12:30,200 Yeah okay, sure. 244 00:12:30,267 --> 00:12:31,001 Yeah. 245 00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,605 [Marcus] Oh Nate, those are my bags. 246 00:12:41,545 --> 00:12:42,613 I'm trying, okay? 247 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:43,714 You saw me trying, right? 248 00:12:44,648 --> 00:12:46,250 Ah. 249 00:12:46,316 --> 00:12:48,619 Let me get you a towel, Jesus. 250 00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:49,553 Why? 251 00:12:51,555 --> 00:12:54,691 [relaxed guitar music] 252 00:13:06,804 --> 00:13:11,041 [up tempo ensemble guitar music] 253 00:13:19,583 --> 00:13:20,450 Ooh. 254 00:13:21,451 --> 00:13:22,452 Oh yeah. 255 00:13:23,687 --> 00:13:24,756 It's party time. 256 00:13:27,324 --> 00:13:29,393 I just think that if every other country in the world 257 00:13:29,459 --> 00:13:33,263 was a person, that America would be this jacked up cage 258 00:13:33,330 --> 00:13:36,066 fighter who can kick any other country's ass in a fight. 259 00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:38,602 Listen Nate, I appreciate your insight. 260 00:13:38,669 --> 00:13:41,305 I really do but have you taken into consideration 261 00:13:41,371 --> 00:13:44,241 the countries who've existed far longer than the US? 262 00:13:44,308 --> 00:13:45,777 You don't really have to. 263 00:13:45,843 --> 00:13:47,644 I'm talking about the countries who've experienced 264 00:13:47,711 --> 00:13:51,748 worse hardships because arguably those countries would 265 00:13:51,816 --> 00:13:54,786 be more hardened and thus, more powerful in a fight. 266 00:13:58,655 --> 00:14:00,090 Just throw the damn ball. 267 00:14:01,658 --> 00:14:02,559 All right. 268 00:14:06,764 --> 00:14:07,664 Over here, Ange. 269 00:14:08,599 --> 00:14:09,633 Celeb shot. 270 00:14:11,401 --> 00:14:12,804 Oh yeah. 271 00:14:12,870 --> 00:14:14,738 Bullshit, that doesn't count. 272 00:14:14,806 --> 00:14:16,673 [girls cheering] 273 00:14:16,740 --> 00:14:18,542 That's what I'm talking about. 274 00:14:18,609 --> 00:14:19,643 Nah, bullshit, bullshit, that doesn't count. 275 00:14:19,710 --> 00:14:22,379 [Evan knocks] 276 00:14:23,347 --> 00:14:23,881 [Angela] Hey. 277 00:14:25,382 --> 00:14:26,617 Hello there. 278 00:14:26,683 --> 00:14:28,251 Bonjour. 279 00:14:28,318 --> 00:14:28,853 Salaam. 280 00:14:30,654 --> 00:14:32,589 Mary, Mary, Marky Mark. 281 00:14:32,656 --> 00:14:33,724 - Evan. - What's up, guys? 282 00:14:33,791 --> 00:14:34,725 I'm so much stronger now. 283 00:14:34,792 --> 00:14:36,360 Yeah. 284 00:14:36,426 --> 00:14:37,594 Jeez, what's up with that? 285 00:14:37,661 --> 00:14:39,429 Hey, what's up Ev? 286 00:14:39,496 --> 00:14:41,632 Hey Nate, it's good so see you, man. 287 00:14:41,698 --> 00:14:43,600 - Yep. - Come here, dude. 288 00:14:44,902 --> 00:14:46,104 Beta bros. 289 00:14:46,871 --> 00:14:48,505 Yeah come on, Beta bros. 290 00:14:49,807 --> 00:14:51,742 - I'm not gonna do it. - Do it, Beta bros! 291 00:14:51,809 --> 00:14:53,811 Come on dude, Beta bros 292 00:14:54,946 --> 00:14:55,847 or bust. 293 00:14:58,415 --> 00:14:59,884 - Yeah, dude. - That was fun times, man. 294 00:14:59,951 --> 00:15:00,852 For sure. 295 00:15:02,820 --> 00:15:04,521 Well hey, I'll get you a beer. 296 00:15:04,588 --> 00:15:05,622 - Yeah. - Okay. 297 00:15:05,689 --> 00:15:06,556 Thank you. 298 00:15:11,595 --> 00:15:13,497 Where's Jennifer? 299 00:15:13,563 --> 00:15:14,832 Oh, she's coming in a couple hours, she picked up a shift. 300 00:15:14,899 --> 00:15:16,901 Oh good, I can't wait to see her. 301 00:15:16,968 --> 00:15:18,836 I mean, no offense to you guys. 302 00:15:18,903 --> 00:15:20,905 She's kinda the life of the party. 303 00:15:20,972 --> 00:15:22,673 Oh man, I couldn't agree with you more, Evan. 304 00:15:22,739 --> 00:15:23,440 Definitely. 305 00:15:24,842 --> 00:15:26,643 We suck compared to Jennifer. 306 00:15:26,710 --> 00:15:28,545 What's that bit she always does? 307 00:15:28,612 --> 00:15:29,746 - Oh, like the cowboy? - Cowboy, yeah, yeah. 308 00:15:29,814 --> 00:15:30,747 "Yippee-ki-yai." 309 00:15:30,815 --> 00:15:32,649 "Ooh, get a dog, girl" 310 00:15:32,716 --> 00:15:35,652 "Ooh, I've got a boot in my snake" or whatever. 311 00:15:39,423 --> 00:15:41,391 - What's that? - What? 312 00:15:41,458 --> 00:15:43,627 There, right behind your ear? 313 00:15:45,696 --> 00:15:47,397 What? 314 00:15:47,464 --> 00:15:47,899 What? 315 00:15:47,965 --> 00:15:48,866 Yes. 316 00:15:51,002 --> 00:15:55,773 Now, let's party like it's 1776! 317 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:56,740 Let's do it. 318 00:15:57,674 --> 00:16:00,878 [alternative rock music] 319 00:16:12,622 --> 00:16:15,726 Hey Ange, remember when I said 320 00:16:15,793 --> 00:16:18,528 we should get college drunk? 321 00:16:18,595 --> 00:16:19,563 Vaguely. 322 00:16:21,531 --> 00:16:24,668 Do you two know how many times 323 00:16:24,735 --> 00:16:27,704 I could have busted you for drinking in your dorm? 324 00:16:27,772 --> 00:16:29,807 Oh what? Yeah right. 325 00:16:29,874 --> 00:16:31,608 Like you would have busted us. 326 00:16:31,675 --> 00:16:34,511 You were drunker than we were half the time. 327 00:16:36,047 --> 00:16:38,816 Yeah, and you thought we were too cute to bust. 328 00:16:38,883 --> 00:16:40,417 - Oh yeah? - Yeah. 329 00:16:40,484 --> 00:16:41,953 - Oh yeah? - Yes. 330 00:16:42,019 --> 00:16:45,422 - Yeah, is that what it is? - Stop, I'm so ticklish. 331 00:16:45,489 --> 00:16:47,724 Whatever you say, you fucking lamppost. 332 00:16:47,792 --> 00:16:52,797 - [Angela giggling] - I'm so ticklish, stop. 333 00:16:53,530 --> 00:16:55,398 Stop. 334 00:16:55,465 --> 00:16:57,034 Okay, you pussies [hiccup] ready for a drinking game? 335 00:16:57,969 --> 00:17:00,004 I see you two, let's go. 336 00:17:00,071 --> 00:17:04,041 ♪ Drinking game, drinking game ♪ 337 00:17:07,078 --> 00:17:08,612 Yep. 338 00:17:08,678 --> 00:17:09,579 Hey, 339 00:17:10,948 --> 00:17:11,816 Nate, 340 00:17:13,650 --> 00:17:16,788 why don't we take it a little easy on the drinking? 341 00:17:16,854 --> 00:17:19,791 Come on Evan, you used to love binge drinking? 342 00:17:19,857 --> 00:17:23,861 Why don't you come sit down and drink some water with me? 343 00:17:23,928 --> 00:17:25,695 Here we go. 344 00:17:25,763 --> 00:17:28,866 Oh I'm sorry Ange, what was that? 345 00:17:29,834 --> 00:17:30,935 [Evan] Listen, man. 346 00:17:32,536 --> 00:17:33,905 Pardon me Evan, 347 00:17:33,971 --> 00:17:35,472 I'm just having a conversation with my sister real quick. 348 00:17:35,539 --> 00:17:36,908 All right, half-sister. 349 00:17:36,974 --> 00:17:38,642 Look, I'm just saying, 350 00:17:38,708 --> 00:17:41,611 I think you had a little too much tonight. 351 00:17:41,678 --> 00:17:43,881 Look, you will tell me 352 00:17:43,948 --> 00:17:45,715 [beer can clatters] 353 00:17:45,783 --> 00:17:46,884 when I've had too much. 354 00:17:49,553 --> 00:17:50,087 I just did. 355 00:17:51,756 --> 00:17:52,656 Wait a minute. 356 00:17:54,524 --> 00:17:56,928 Come on, man, we all want to have a good Fourth but 357 00:17:56,994 --> 00:18:00,998 we don't have to give ourselves fucking alcohol poisoning. 358 00:18:01,065 --> 00:18:02,800 Shut up. 359 00:18:02,867 --> 00:18:05,069 Don't tell me how to celebrate America's birthday. 360 00:18:05,136 --> 00:18:06,804 I am a patriot. 361 00:18:06,871 --> 00:18:08,973 You didn't even vote in the last election. 362 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:10,707 [Nate] Okay, I forgot when the election was. 363 00:18:10,775 --> 00:18:12,509 You had an election day party. 364 00:18:12,576 --> 00:18:13,610 [Nate] That's highly unlikely. 365 00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:15,545 You made up a hashtag for it. 366 00:18:15,612 --> 00:18:18,783 "Hashtag Nate Harmon's election day party BYOB 367 00:18:18,850 --> 00:18:21,618 show up at 4:00 one guest only please." 368 00:18:21,685 --> 00:18:24,055 Okay Nate, I just think you're being- 369 00:18:24,121 --> 00:18:26,489 - What, oh, you think? 370 00:18:26,556 --> 00:18:28,525 That seems to be the only thing you can do, Angela. 371 00:18:28,592 --> 00:18:30,027 You kinda just think. 372 00:18:30,094 --> 00:18:32,930 Do you think that our forefathers thought 373 00:18:32,997 --> 00:18:34,799 whenever they were founding our great country? 374 00:18:34,866 --> 00:18:36,968 [Angela] What? Yeah, I think they did. 375 00:18:37,034 --> 00:18:38,668 Oh, wrong. 376 00:18:38,735 --> 00:18:40,872 George Washington didn't think whenever 377 00:18:40,938 --> 00:18:43,640 he had to fight off the British and Abe Lincoln 378 00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:47,044 didn't think whenever he had to fight the South 379 00:18:47,111 --> 00:18:51,082 and Andrew Jackson didn't think whenever he had to fight 380 00:18:54,185 --> 00:18:55,953 to be on the $20 bill. 381 00:18:57,788 --> 00:19:01,125 Bro, do you even know who Andrew Jackson was? 382 00:19:01,192 --> 00:19:02,592 Nate, will you just listen to me? 383 00:19:02,659 --> 00:19:03,794 You're being insane right now. 384 00:19:03,861 --> 00:19:08,799 Angela, can you just meet me in the middle? 385 00:19:10,667 --> 00:19:12,569 God, you've been shitting on me ever since you got here. 386 00:19:12,636 --> 00:19:14,839 First it's the beer, then it's the dirt on the walls. 387 00:19:14,906 --> 00:19:16,908 Then it's "Oh no Nate, I fell in the toilet. 388 00:19:16,974 --> 00:19:18,608 Can you please keep the seat down?" 389 00:19:18,675 --> 00:19:20,144 Okay, well this is my cabin too. 390 00:19:20,211 --> 00:19:22,646 Oh, this land is your land? 391 00:19:22,712 --> 00:19:25,816 No, this land is my land and I really think 392 00:19:25,883 --> 00:19:28,886 you're kinda ruining everybody's good time. 393 00:19:28,953 --> 00:19:30,755 I'm ruining everyone's good time? 394 00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:33,057 You're so unpredictable, we're all on babysitting duty 395 00:19:33,124 --> 00:19:34,759 making sure you don't blow your foot off 396 00:19:34,825 --> 00:19:37,194 with a firework or drink yourself blind. 397 00:19:38,863 --> 00:19:41,564 Angela, you know how important this day is. 398 00:19:41,631 --> 00:19:44,101 Oh, how important this day is to little Nathan. 399 00:19:44,168 --> 00:19:46,771 Yeah, I know, we all fucking know. 400 00:19:46,837 --> 00:19:48,638 It's so important because you get 401 00:19:48,705 --> 00:19:50,841 to show everyone out patriotic you are. 402 00:19:52,843 --> 00:19:53,911 Okay. 403 00:19:53,978 --> 00:19:55,046 All right. 404 00:19:55,112 --> 00:19:56,847 You're right, you're right. 405 00:19:56,914 --> 00:19:57,815 I'm sorry. 406 00:19:58,983 --> 00:20:02,652 I'm sorry that I have a deeper understanding 407 00:20:02,719 --> 00:20:05,923 of this great country of ours than you do. 408 00:20:05,990 --> 00:20:08,926 You know what, and I'm sorry that I love America so much. 409 00:20:08,993 --> 00:20:11,028 You don't love America, you jackass. 410 00:20:11,095 --> 00:20:12,930 You just love being American because 411 00:20:12,997 --> 00:20:15,032 you think it makes you better than everyone else. 412 00:20:17,701 --> 00:20:20,071 Wow, that's just really good Ange, really good. 413 00:20:20,137 --> 00:20:21,872 I think you probably just figured me out, huh? 414 00:20:21,939 --> 00:20:23,808 Yeah and you know, dad would be 415 00:20:23,874 --> 00:20:25,876 really disappointed in how you're acting right now. 416 00:20:40,191 --> 00:20:41,092 Did I win? 417 00:20:47,865 --> 00:20:49,133 [fireworks booming] 418 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,102 Whoa, I didn't think we'd be able 419 00:20:51,168 --> 00:20:53,471 to hear fireworks from all the way out here. 420 00:20:58,809 --> 00:21:00,978 Nathan, you did not go through dad's stuff. 421 00:21:02,246 --> 00:21:05,082 "We hold these truths to be self-evident, 422 00:21:05,149 --> 00:21:08,886 that all men are created equal. 423 00:21:08,953 --> 00:21:11,188 That they are endowed by their Creator 424 00:21:13,024 --> 00:21:16,894 with certain unalienable rights, that among those are life, 425 00:21:16,961 --> 00:21:19,930 liberty and the pursuit of happiness." 426 00:21:21,232 --> 00:21:23,000 Okay, cool, are you really gonna 427 00:21:23,067 --> 00:21:25,770 sit here and read me the fucking US Constitution? 428 00:21:25,836 --> 00:21:28,738 Ha, nope, it's the Declaration of Independence. 429 00:21:28,806 --> 00:21:29,907 Mark one point for Nathan. 430 00:21:29,974 --> 00:21:31,708 - Okay, you know what I meant. - Oh, did I? 431 00:21:31,776 --> 00:21:32,943 Did I know what you meant? 432 00:21:34,045 --> 00:21:37,214 [anxious violin music] 433 00:21:38,783 --> 00:21:40,117 Damn, this thing's pretty long. 434 00:21:41,085 --> 00:21:42,787 Uh-huh, here we go. 435 00:21:42,853 --> 00:21:45,122 "We therefore, the Representatives of the 436 00:21:45,189 --> 00:21:48,893 United States of America in General Congress assembled, 437 00:21:48,959 --> 00:21:51,896 appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world 438 00:21:51,962 --> 00:21:56,967 for the rectitude of our intentions, do in the name and by 439 00:21:58,836 --> 00:22:00,737 authority of the good people of these colonies solemnly 440 00:22:00,805 --> 00:22:04,842 publish and declare for the support of this Declaration 441 00:22:06,277 --> 00:22:09,046 and a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence. 442 00:22:09,113 --> 00:22:13,284 We mutually pledge to each other our lives, 443 00:22:13,350 --> 00:22:16,987 our fortunes and our sacred honor." 444 00:22:18,389 --> 00:22:20,057 Right there, right fucking there, 445 00:22:20,124 --> 00:22:21,926 George fucking Washington signed it. 446 00:22:21,992 --> 00:22:23,726 That's not George Washington. 447 00:22:23,794 --> 00:22:25,229 That's John Hancock, dumbass. 448 00:22:33,137 --> 00:22:35,005 Oh look, there's George himself. 449 00:22:36,874 --> 00:22:38,175 There, now he fucking did. 450 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:44,782 [Nate humming drunkenly] 451 00:22:44,849 --> 00:22:47,084 Get the fuck away from me. 452 00:22:47,151 --> 00:22:50,020 What in the United States of fuck is your problem? 453 00:22:51,188 --> 00:22:53,157 Oh my god Ange, are you okay? 454 00:22:55,426 --> 00:22:57,128 [Angela grunts] 455 00:22:57,194 --> 00:22:59,196 Oh my god Ange, are you okay? 456 00:22:59,263 --> 00:23:00,931 Are you okay, are you all right? 457 00:23:02,066 --> 00:23:04,835 [ominous tones] 458 00:23:04,902 --> 00:23:06,971 [eerie whispers] 459 00:23:07,037 --> 00:23:09,039 I hate you, I wish you were dead. 460 00:23:12,243 --> 00:23:14,111 Hey Angela, this beer wasn't cheap. 461 00:23:14,178 --> 00:23:15,212 Yes it was. 462 00:23:16,247 --> 00:23:18,082 Here, how much was it? 463 00:23:18,149 --> 00:23:20,851 Five bucks, huh, was it five bucks? 464 00:23:20,918 --> 00:23:22,786 Is this is what you want? 465 00:23:22,853 --> 00:23:23,787 Here. 466 00:23:23,854 --> 00:23:24,889 Yeah. 467 00:23:24,955 --> 00:23:26,190 You know, actually, oh look, 468 00:23:26,257 --> 00:23:28,025 it's your good buddy, Andrew Jackson. 469 00:23:34,932 --> 00:23:36,333 I don't need this. 470 00:23:38,002 --> 00:23:41,005 What I need is an ice cold American margarita. 471 00:23:45,476 --> 00:23:46,377 Okay. 472 00:23:48,078 --> 00:23:51,115 [electric crackling] 473 00:23:52,249 --> 00:23:53,951 Jesus Christ. 474 00:23:55,419 --> 00:23:57,421 What the fuck was that? 475 00:23:57,488 --> 00:23:59,190 I thought you said you were gonna behave tonight? 476 00:23:59,256 --> 00:24:01,125 What was un-behaving about what I did? 477 00:24:01,192 --> 00:24:03,260 You owe your sister an apology. 478 00:24:03,327 --> 00:24:06,063 Half-sister and I don't owe her anything. 479 00:24:06,130 --> 00:24:07,865 I can do what I want, it's a free countr... 480 00:24:07,932 --> 00:24:09,934 If you say it's a free country, I swear to God, 481 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,369 I'm breaking up with you and hooking up with Marcus. 482 00:24:14,238 --> 00:24:18,042 Apologize to her and then go get the fucking power back on. 483 00:24:18,108 --> 00:24:21,378 Babe, the breaker is all the way downstairs 484 00:24:21,445 --> 00:24:23,981 and Angela is all the way upstairs. 485 00:24:25,316 --> 00:24:27,184 What can I do for you on this floor? 486 00:24:27,251 --> 00:24:30,321 In the dark while I'm still pissed off, nothing. 487 00:24:32,523 --> 00:24:34,091 You guys are such- 488 00:24:34,158 --> 00:24:35,226 - If you say pussies, I swear to God, 489 00:24:35,292 --> 00:24:37,995 I'm breaking up with you and fucking Marcus. 490 00:24:41,065 --> 00:24:43,067 Calm down, you talking tree. 491 00:24:45,135 --> 00:24:47,737 Let's go, guess this is a job for present Nate. 492 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,041 We'll be back, so try not to take 493 00:24:51,108 --> 00:24:53,210 Angela's side over mine while we're gone. 494 00:24:53,277 --> 00:24:55,045 Nate, you're really making me- 495 00:24:55,112 --> 00:24:56,880 - [Nate] Oh, I'm so sorry, I can't hear you. 496 00:24:56,947 --> 00:24:57,982 I'm already in the basement. 497 00:25:01,218 --> 00:25:03,287 - So are we gonna have some- - Marcus, no. 498 00:25:10,127 --> 00:25:13,264 Jesus, is it tomorrow yet? 499 00:25:14,298 --> 00:25:18,035 [dramatic electronic tone] 500 00:25:29,079 --> 00:25:30,381 What the fuck is all this shit? 501 00:25:30,447 --> 00:25:32,016 He couldn't put it in his own room? 502 00:25:33,484 --> 00:25:35,252 I can't believe he did that in front of you guys. 503 00:25:35,319 --> 00:25:37,087 He's such a fucking dick. 504 00:25:37,154 --> 00:25:38,455 Yeah, I know, you're right. 505 00:25:38,522 --> 00:25:40,357 And I know Nate, I know he's gonna try 506 00:25:40,424 --> 00:25:42,526 to get back at me for ruining his pathetic little night 507 00:25:42,593 --> 00:25:44,528 and Mary and Marcus didn't say shit. 508 00:25:44,595 --> 00:25:47,498 They never defend me because he's the fun party guy. 509 00:25:47,564 --> 00:25:49,967 - Well, it's not funny anymore. - Ange, Ange. 510 00:25:50,034 --> 00:25:51,568 - We're not 20. - Ange. 511 00:26:01,045 --> 00:26:03,213 He hung a fucking American flag in my room. 512 00:26:07,351 --> 00:26:10,454 Here, let me give you a shoulder massage, 513 00:26:11,622 --> 00:26:12,823 kinda my trademark. 514 00:26:14,224 --> 00:26:16,226 Evan, I'm not really in the mood for, 515 00:26:18,228 --> 00:26:19,830 it's your trademark? 516 00:26:21,298 --> 00:26:24,535 I'm known far and wide for my massages. 517 00:26:29,239 --> 00:26:30,374 Oh Evan. 518 00:26:32,042 --> 00:26:35,279 I don't think this is good timing, you know? 519 00:26:35,346 --> 00:26:38,148 Because I just was fighting with Nate and- 520 00:26:38,215 --> 00:26:41,418 - Come on, think about how pissed Nate would be. 521 00:26:42,486 --> 00:26:44,121 Yeah, that would really piss- 522 00:26:44,188 --> 00:26:46,090 - Pisses me off, the fact that she actually 523 00:26:46,156 --> 00:26:48,392 thinks she's so much smarter than me 524 00:26:48,459 --> 00:26:52,129 when spoiler alert, she's actually not. 525 00:26:53,263 --> 00:26:54,164 Really? 526 00:26:55,499 --> 00:26:59,470 Hey, but didn't she graduate like something cum latte. 527 00:26:59,536 --> 00:27:02,139 Look, any asshole can make good grades 528 00:27:02,206 --> 00:27:05,109 but I've got smarts where it counts, ow. 529 00:27:06,410 --> 00:27:08,278 Hey, I know what you mean, gamer. 530 00:27:08,345 --> 00:27:10,614 You see, people think I'm dumb 'cause I'm blond but, 531 00:27:10,681 --> 00:27:14,251 well actually I'm dirty blond, so joke's on them, right? 532 00:27:14,318 --> 00:27:18,055 Exactly, you know, people underestimate us, Marcus. 533 00:27:18,122 --> 00:27:20,190 But I bet a zombie apocalypse scenario, 534 00:27:20,257 --> 00:27:21,625 I'd be the one that survives. 535 00:27:23,093 --> 00:27:25,162 - Ooh, beaker box. - I don't know. 536 00:27:25,229 --> 00:27:27,431 You see, I think Evan would make it pretty far. 537 00:27:29,500 --> 00:27:31,101 [Marcus sneezes] 538 00:27:31,168 --> 00:27:33,303 Oh god, my allergies. 539 00:27:33,370 --> 00:27:37,107 [Nate and Marcus laughing] 540 00:27:41,445 --> 00:27:42,379 What the hell? 541 00:27:42,446 --> 00:27:45,182 Hello Jennifer, hey. 542 00:27:45,249 --> 00:27:49,119 I haven't heard from you yet and it's kinda freaking me out. 543 00:27:49,186 --> 00:27:51,088 So could you just please give me 544 00:27:51,155 --> 00:27:53,257 a call back when you get this? 545 00:27:53,323 --> 00:27:57,127 [anxious electronic music] 546 00:27:57,194 --> 00:27:58,395 Fuck. 547 00:27:58,462 --> 00:28:00,431 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 548 00:28:04,468 --> 00:28:06,537 Nate, can you just please hurry up? 549 00:28:06,603 --> 00:28:08,338 I don't like being in the dark. 550 00:28:10,741 --> 00:28:12,309 Come on, Jennifer. 551 00:28:16,647 --> 00:28:19,583 [cell phone rings] Oh, thank God. 552 00:28:19,650 --> 00:28:24,288 Jennifer, Jesus, you scared me, I didn't even hear you. 553 00:28:24,354 --> 00:28:25,255 Jen? 554 00:28:32,362 --> 00:28:35,699 [Zombie growls] 555 00:28:35,767 --> 00:28:37,201 Holy fucking- 556 00:28:37,267 --> 00:28:38,168 - Shit. 557 00:28:40,404 --> 00:28:41,338 Oh my- 558 00:28:41,405 --> 00:28:43,340 - God [screams]. 559 00:28:44,708 --> 00:28:46,710 What the- 560 00:28:46,778 --> 00:28:50,247 - Fuck, I'm sorry, they're making a lot of noise downstairs. 561 00:28:50,314 --> 00:28:51,582 Is it okay if I? 562 00:28:51,648 --> 00:28:53,750 Yeah, hey, let me play some music. 563 00:28:55,252 --> 00:28:56,420 - Can I use your phone? - Yeah. 564 00:29:05,362 --> 00:29:06,630 [blaring guitar, piano music] 565 00:29:06,697 --> 00:29:10,000 - It's a little loud. - I know, sexy right? 566 00:29:13,403 --> 00:29:14,371 Oh yeah, ahh 567 00:29:14,438 --> 00:29:15,472 AHHHHH 568 00:29:15,539 --> 00:29:16,740 Choo! 569 00:29:16,808 --> 00:29:18,475 - You okay, bro? - Yeah. 570 00:29:18,542 --> 00:29:20,177 I have allergies. 571 00:29:20,244 --> 00:29:22,479 [Mary screaming] 572 00:29:22,546 --> 00:29:24,515 Is that Mary screaming up there? 573 00:29:24,581 --> 00:29:28,151 Yeah, she probably just wants to get a rise out of me. 574 00:29:28,218 --> 00:29:29,520 It's gonna take a lot of 575 00:29:29,586 --> 00:29:32,489 Sexy Uncle Sam for me to forgive you, babe. 576 00:29:32,556 --> 00:29:34,491 Hey, can you swing that flashlight over here? 577 00:29:34,558 --> 00:29:35,425 Yeah. 578 00:29:36,527 --> 00:29:39,797 [tense electronic music] 579 00:29:41,732 --> 00:29:44,434 ♪ Bum ba da da da ♪ 580 00:29:44,501 --> 00:29:46,169 [breakers clicking in rhythm] 581 00:29:46,236 --> 00:29:49,706 ♪ Bum ba da da da ♪ 582 00:29:49,774 --> 00:29:50,775 ♪ Bum ba da ♪ 583 00:29:50,842 --> 00:29:52,409 [Mary screaming] 584 00:29:52,476 --> 00:29:53,811 I think we should do something. 585 00:29:55,445 --> 00:29:57,314 Fine but if she's fucking with us, 586 00:29:58,248 --> 00:29:59,516 you're sleeping outside. 587 00:29:59,583 --> 00:30:01,585 - Oh boy, camping. - [Mary] No, no, no. 588 00:30:03,287 --> 00:30:05,422 All right Mary, you've made your point. 589 00:30:07,658 --> 00:30:08,559 No, no. 590 00:30:12,429 --> 00:30:14,231 [Mary screams] 591 00:30:14,298 --> 00:30:14,832 Get down. 592 00:30:15,767 --> 00:30:17,568 What's going on, man? 593 00:30:17,634 --> 00:30:19,269 Who is that guy? 594 00:30:19,336 --> 00:30:21,305 Holy shit, that's George Washington. 595 00:30:22,606 --> 00:30:24,308 Holy shit, that's George Washington. 596 00:30:28,712 --> 00:30:30,547 That's not George Washington, man. 597 00:30:30,614 --> 00:30:32,482 That's probably just some drunk homeless guy 598 00:30:32,549 --> 00:30:35,519 who stumbled in here wearing George Washington's costume 599 00:30:35,586 --> 00:30:39,523 and started violently attacking your girlfriend with an ax. 600 00:30:41,826 --> 00:30:44,561 [Mary screams] 601 00:30:45,629 --> 00:30:47,564 I'm not worried about it. 602 00:30:47,631 --> 00:30:49,299 I've seen her kick bigger ass-clown's asses than this clown. 603 00:30:54,906 --> 00:30:57,341 [Washington growls] 604 00:30:57,407 --> 00:30:58,442 Yep, I told you. 605 00:30:59,576 --> 00:31:00,845 He's even wearing zombie makeup. 606 00:31:00,912 --> 00:31:02,646 This guy's clearly trying to fuck with us. 607 00:31:02,713 --> 00:31:04,348 What a total loser. 608 00:31:06,416 --> 00:31:09,519 [metallic clattering] 609 00:31:13,523 --> 00:31:16,861 [Washington growls] 610 00:31:16,928 --> 00:31:20,330 Holy George Washington's ghost, 611 00:31:20,397 --> 00:31:21,598 it's George Washington's zombie. 612 00:31:23,667 --> 00:31:25,870 It looks like his corpse has been like reanimated. 613 00:31:25,937 --> 00:31:27,504 No, he's been 614 00:31:31,508 --> 00:31:32,542 re-elected. 615 00:31:33,543 --> 00:31:36,814 [tense electronic tones] 616 00:31:38,582 --> 00:31:40,384 Nate, you should do something. 617 00:31:40,450 --> 00:31:42,319 What am I supposed to do? 618 00:31:42,386 --> 00:31:44,688 He's the first President of the United States of America. 619 00:31:44,756 --> 00:31:47,424 He's not the President, man, he's a monster. 620 00:31:48,692 --> 00:31:49,827 He's gonna hurt Mary. 621 00:31:50,795 --> 00:31:53,530 [Mary screams] 622 00:31:55,967 --> 00:31:58,635 You know, I'm gonna bow out of this one. 623 00:31:58,702 --> 00:32:00,303 - Leave it to you, good buddy - Oh no. 624 00:32:00,370 --> 00:32:01,605 I actually haven't had much to eat today. 625 00:32:01,672 --> 00:32:02,706 My blood sugar's real low. 626 00:32:02,774 --> 00:32:04,909 You had 15 empanadas earlier. 627 00:32:04,976 --> 00:32:07,577 That's bad sugar, I need good sugar. 628 00:32:07,644 --> 00:32:08,913 Like Splenda or something? 629 00:32:08,980 --> 00:32:10,848 No, Splenda's actually a lot 630 00:32:10,915 --> 00:32:12,649 worse for you than regular sugar. 631 00:32:12,716 --> 00:32:16,720 - You don't say? - Oh no, I do, you see... 632 00:32:16,788 --> 00:32:20,524 [tense electronic music] 633 00:32:20,590 --> 00:32:24,394 [Washington groans] 634 00:32:24,461 --> 00:32:27,197 [Mary whimpering] 635 00:32:40,011 --> 00:32:43,580 [Washington growls] 636 00:32:43,647 --> 00:32:44,882 Goddammit, fuck. 637 00:32:46,818 --> 00:32:50,353 Stupid ass fucking woods. 638 00:32:50,420 --> 00:32:50,955 Fuck. 639 00:32:52,422 --> 00:32:52,957 Shit. 640 00:32:55,726 --> 00:32:56,626 Dammit. 641 00:32:57,762 --> 00:32:58,830 Fuck. 642 00:32:58,896 --> 00:33:00,363 Shit. 643 00:33:00,430 --> 00:33:01,665 Oh my god. 644 00:33:01,732 --> 00:33:03,366 [Mary screams] [Glass Shatters] 645 00:33:03,433 --> 00:33:04,936 [Washington growls] 646 00:33:11,943 --> 00:33:14,444 Fuck. Goddammit [screaming]. 647 00:33:14,511 --> 00:33:16,246 [car horn blares] 648 00:33:17,048 --> 00:33:19,917 [Engine sputters] 649 00:33:25,923 --> 00:33:27,524 Did she get it? 650 00:33:28,793 --> 00:33:30,694 How the fuck am I supposed to know? 651 00:33:30,762 --> 00:33:33,463 I was back here hiding with you, fucking human windmill. 652 00:33:33,530 --> 00:33:36,466 Oh right, hey, I have feelings. 653 00:33:36,533 --> 00:33:37,068 Oh. 654 00:33:38,069 --> 00:33:39,804 Hey, I'm sorry man. 655 00:33:41,705 --> 00:33:43,607 It's all right, man. 656 00:33:47,845 --> 00:33:48,880 Oh man. 657 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:52,549 She destroyed a whole case of beer. 658 00:33:53,617 --> 00:33:54,819 That's 11 bucks down the drain. 659 00:33:56,653 --> 00:33:59,689 It's okay, I stashed a few house beers around just in case. 660 00:34:01,959 --> 00:34:03,527 [Mary panting] 661 00:34:03,593 --> 00:34:04,996 Jesus Mary, what happened? 662 00:34:05,062 --> 00:34:05,897 - Are you okay? - Did you kill the zombie? 663 00:34:05,963 --> 00:34:07,597 Was it epic? 664 00:34:07,664 --> 00:34:08,598 [Mary retches] 665 00:34:08,665 --> 00:34:09,834 [Mary] Trash can. 666 00:34:09,901 --> 00:34:11,769 Oh no, no, Marcus. 667 00:34:14,571 --> 00:34:15,273 Here, here. 668 00:34:16,506 --> 00:34:19,844 [Mary retching, coughing] 669 00:34:24,748 --> 00:34:28,019 Hey babe, why don't you lie down? 670 00:34:29,619 --> 00:34:32,056 [door rattling] 671 00:34:32,123 --> 00:34:35,492 [Mary screaming] 672 00:34:35,559 --> 00:34:36,928 What's going on? 673 00:34:36,994 --> 00:34:38,562 Mary, are you okay? 674 00:34:38,628 --> 00:34:39,663 George Washington was just here. 675 00:34:39,729 --> 00:34:41,565 No, I wasn't talking to you. 676 00:34:41,631 --> 00:34:44,035 Mary, oh my god, what did you guys do to her? 677 00:34:44,101 --> 00:34:45,735 She just fought a zombie. 678 00:34:45,803 --> 00:34:48,072 All right, you've all had your fun. 679 00:34:48,139 --> 00:34:52,043 Can you just please turn the lights back on 680 00:34:52,109 --> 00:34:55,780 so we can try and enjoy the rest of our night? 681 00:34:55,847 --> 00:34:58,850 Seriously, zombie George Washington was just here. 682 00:34:58,916 --> 00:35:00,885 Yeah, Mary chased him off into the woods. 683 00:35:00,952 --> 00:35:02,820 - It was kind of scary. - It was gross. 684 00:35:02,887 --> 00:35:04,989 - It was pretty cool too. - Yeah, Mary and the zombie. 685 00:35:05,056 --> 00:35:06,723 Yeah, she's a real badass. 686 00:35:06,791 --> 00:35:08,893 Oh my god, shut the fuck up, okay? 687 00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:10,761 What, so you're trying to tell me that 688 00:35:10,828 --> 00:35:13,730 the corpse of the first President of the United States 689 00:35:13,798 --> 00:35:15,766 came back to life, dragged itself out 690 00:35:15,833 --> 00:35:17,734 of the ground and then broke into our cabin? 691 00:35:17,802 --> 00:35:19,636 Right. 692 00:35:19,703 --> 00:35:21,973 And then Mary fought it and chased it into the woods? 693 00:35:22,039 --> 00:35:23,673 Correct. 694 00:35:23,740 --> 00:35:25,575 And so the zombie is supposed to be some sort 695 00:35:25,642 --> 00:35:28,145 of lesson about what it means to truly be a patriot? 696 00:35:30,147 --> 00:35:33,084 I mean, it wouldn't be the worst thing to happen. 697 00:35:33,150 --> 00:35:35,652 Shut the fuck up, okay? It's not funny. 698 00:35:35,719 --> 00:35:38,588 God, Mary, you're so much better than this. 699 00:35:38,655 --> 00:35:39,957 Why are you playing along? 700 00:35:41,893 --> 00:35:43,393 We were attacked. 701 00:35:45,196 --> 00:35:49,800 I know that sounds crazy but that thing wasn't human. 702 00:35:54,005 --> 00:35:57,008 Whoever attacked you was probably 703 00:35:57,074 --> 00:36:01,745 homeless or on drugs, sick or something, okay? 704 00:36:01,812 --> 00:36:04,115 There has to be some sort of rational explanation. 705 00:36:05,715 --> 00:36:07,018 What's irrational about zombies? 706 00:36:07,084 --> 00:36:08,685 We gotta go somewhere when we die. 707 00:36:08,753 --> 00:36:10,788 We're not talking about zombies. 708 00:36:10,855 --> 00:36:12,722 Well, I'm talking about zombies. 709 00:36:12,790 --> 00:36:14,792 Yeah, he's been talking about zombies all night. 710 00:36:14,859 --> 00:36:17,094 That's what I'm saying, you're just being paranoid. 711 00:36:17,161 --> 00:36:18,930 We were attacked. 712 00:36:18,996 --> 00:36:20,630 So let's call the cops. 713 00:36:20,697 --> 00:36:23,034 Cops can't do anything about that monster. 714 00:36:23,100 --> 00:36:25,903 Ange, it killed Jennifer, I saw 715 00:36:26,804 --> 00:36:28,172 her body. 716 00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:32,575 Oh my god, her body, where's her body? 717 00:36:32,642 --> 00:36:33,177 Mar, 718 00:36:34,879 --> 00:36:36,881 I'm sure she's okay, okay? 719 00:36:38,149 --> 00:36:39,749 You're just shaken up, it's okay. 720 00:36:40,750 --> 00:36:42,619 How about this? 721 00:36:42,686 --> 00:36:45,655 We'll go outside and look for the creep that attacked you. 722 00:36:45,722 --> 00:36:48,658 You guys stay back and call the police. 723 00:36:51,162 --> 00:36:56,167 There's a bunch of us and what, one old dude? 724 00:36:57,835 --> 00:36:58,903 [Angela] I think that's a great idea. 725 00:36:58,970 --> 00:37:00,771 Cool, Angela and I will go into the woods. 726 00:37:00,838 --> 00:37:02,139 You guys stay back and wait for the cops. 727 00:37:02,206 --> 00:37:04,875 Whoa, whoa, whoa there, lover boy. 728 00:37:04,942 --> 00:37:08,079 Are you trying to say that I can't protect my baby sister 729 00:37:08,145 --> 00:37:10,214 and my crying girlfriend and my tall buddy, Marcus? 730 00:37:10,281 --> 00:37:12,016 No, I'm not saying that at all. 731 00:37:13,851 --> 00:37:15,719 But I'm definitely thinking it now, so thank you. 732 00:37:15,786 --> 00:37:18,823 I could protect everyone in circles around you, jerk-off. 733 00:37:20,758 --> 00:37:22,659 Marcus, you take care of Mary. 734 00:37:22,726 --> 00:37:24,895 Yeah, I think splitting up is definitely the way to go. 735 00:37:24,962 --> 00:37:27,630 No wait, guys, guys, please don't leave me. 736 00:37:27,697 --> 00:37:29,867 No Mar, we won't leave you, don't worry. 737 00:37:29,934 --> 00:37:32,702 Don't worry babe, I'll never leave you 738 00:37:34,905 --> 00:37:36,240 - aside from right now. - What? 739 00:37:37,875 --> 00:37:39,043 But I will be here the whole time. 740 00:37:40,878 --> 00:37:45,116 [dramatic violin, rock music] 741 00:37:45,182 --> 00:37:48,819 Pretend I'm this eagle protecting America 742 00:37:50,254 --> 00:37:51,055 and pretend you're America in this scenario. 743 00:37:52,957 --> 00:37:53,858 What? 744 00:37:56,927 --> 00:37:59,230 Let's go impeach that mother fucker. 745 00:37:59,296 --> 00:38:00,197 What? 746 00:38:02,066 --> 00:38:02,967 Impeach. 747 00:38:03,834 --> 00:38:05,870 You know, like kick his ass but 748 00:38:05,936 --> 00:38:09,106 he's the first President of the United States, so impeach. 749 00:38:09,173 --> 00:38:11,008 I thought it sounded kinda badass. 750 00:38:11,075 --> 00:38:12,009 It didn't. 751 00:38:12,076 --> 00:38:13,743 It kinda did. 752 00:38:13,811 --> 00:38:15,079 No, you can't just add the word 753 00:38:15,146 --> 00:38:17,547 mother fucker to things and expect it to sound badass. 754 00:38:18,949 --> 00:38:19,850 Shut up. 755 00:38:21,852 --> 00:38:23,788 Let's go into those woods. 756 00:38:25,089 --> 00:38:26,957 Let's get out of these woods. 757 00:38:27,024 --> 00:38:29,293 Oh no, Nate's scared, we better turn around. 758 00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:30,928 I'm not scared. 759 00:38:30,995 --> 00:38:32,296 [Angela] Yes you are. 760 00:38:32,363 --> 00:38:34,165 Why is that so hard for you to admit? 761 00:38:34,231 --> 00:38:35,299 Ang, I'm starting to think we should head back. 762 00:38:35,366 --> 00:38:37,168 See, Evan's scared too. 763 00:38:37,234 --> 00:38:38,903 Yeah, but I haven't been crying for the last half hour. 764 00:38:38,969 --> 00:38:40,805 I was not crying. 765 00:38:40,871 --> 00:38:42,840 I told you I think there are onions growing in these woods. 766 00:38:42,907 --> 00:38:45,910 Shh, I think I heard something. 767 00:38:45,976 --> 00:38:48,979 Yeah, I'm sure you did, we're in the fucking woods. 768 00:38:50,014 --> 00:38:51,714 Yo, Ange. 769 00:38:51,782 --> 00:38:53,050 No, you know what? 770 00:38:53,117 --> 00:38:54,151 We've been pointing our flashlights 771 00:38:54,218 --> 00:38:55,319 at trees for the last hour. 772 00:38:55,386 --> 00:38:57,788 You got me, okay? 773 00:38:57,855 --> 00:39:01,792 I know that this is some sort of elaborate joke, 774 00:39:01,859 --> 00:39:03,994 kind of like the Electoral College. 775 00:39:05,296 --> 00:39:07,098 Come on, I thought you'd like that one. 776 00:39:09,967 --> 00:39:11,302 What is it? 777 00:39:11,368 --> 00:39:13,170 Zombie. 778 00:39:13,237 --> 00:39:15,072 And let me guess, this one's Abraham Lincoln, right? 779 00:39:15,139 --> 00:39:16,606 Beard, top hat and all? 780 00:39:20,411 --> 00:39:23,080 And he's coming up right behind me. 781 00:39:23,147 --> 00:39:25,816 He has a knife or an ax or something 782 00:39:25,883 --> 00:39:27,985 and he's gonna say something really stupid 783 00:39:28,052 --> 00:39:32,056 and obvious like "Four score and seven years ago." 784 00:39:33,023 --> 00:39:34,258 Four 785 00:39:34,325 --> 00:39:35,926 score. 786 00:39:37,161 --> 00:39:38,162 Oh my god. 787 00:39:39,163 --> 00:39:40,364 No way. 788 00:39:40,431 --> 00:39:41,932 Four 789 00:39:41,999 --> 00:39:42,900 score. 790 00:39:43,834 --> 00:39:46,270 No way, that's Abraham Lincoln. 791 00:39:46,337 --> 00:39:47,838 And that's... 792 00:39:49,140 --> 00:39:52,977 [Growls] 793 00:39:54,044 --> 00:39:55,712 I don't know who that is. 794 00:39:55,779 --> 00:39:58,015 - That's Andrew Jackson. - Who? 795 00:39:58,082 --> 00:40:01,785 - The guy on the 20. - Oh, I love him. 796 00:40:01,852 --> 00:40:03,154 This doesn't make any sense. 797 00:40:04,388 --> 00:40:06,891 It all has a logic to it 798 00:40:06,957 --> 00:40:08,058 if you just 799 00:40:08,125 --> 00:40:09,026 understand. 800 00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:11,829 Four score, 801 00:40:11,896 --> 00:40:13,230 four score, 802 00:40:13,297 --> 00:40:14,965 four score, 803 00:40:15,032 --> 00:40:15,799 four score. 804 00:40:19,937 --> 00:40:21,172 What are you doing? 805 00:40:21,238 --> 00:40:23,140 Sorry bro, catch up. 806 00:40:24,175 --> 00:40:27,344 [tense up tempo drumbeat] 807 00:40:31,882 --> 00:40:34,818 Mr. President, sir, let's settle this 808 00:40:34,885 --> 00:40:37,188 in a sophisticated, dignified, patriotic manner? 809 00:40:38,822 --> 00:40:41,025 [Jackson growls] 810 00:40:41,091 --> 00:40:43,894 [gunshot booms] 811 00:40:47,164 --> 00:40:49,867 Now Andy, Andy, that wasn't cool. 812 00:40:51,235 --> 00:40:53,304 Come on, you were always my favorite President. 813 00:40:55,105 --> 00:40:57,141 President? 814 00:40:57,208 --> 00:40:58,108 Right. 815 00:41:00,211 --> 00:41:02,880 The leader of the free world, Commander-in-Chief. 816 00:41:03,847 --> 00:41:04,348 Mm-mm- 817 00:41:04,415 --> 00:41:06,984 Mander Chief? 818 00:41:07,051 --> 00:41:07,952 Exactly. 819 00:41:12,323 --> 00:41:14,925 Hello Nathaniel, yes it's me, 820 00:41:14,992 --> 00:41:17,861 your favorite President, Andrew Jackson, 821 00:41:17,928 --> 00:41:19,897 the man that's on the $20 bill. 822 00:41:19,964 --> 00:41:20,931 I need you. 823 00:41:22,166 --> 00:41:26,203 Come on Andy, let's settle this diplomatically. 824 00:41:26,270 --> 00:41:29,840 [Jackson growls] 825 00:41:29,907 --> 00:41:32,343 [Nate whimpers] 826 00:41:41,952 --> 00:41:45,356 [anxious electronic music] 827 00:41:48,359 --> 00:41:50,127 We need to go back for him. 828 00:41:50,194 --> 00:41:51,428 We need to go back for him now. 829 00:41:51,495 --> 00:41:53,130 - We do not. - Now, yes we do. 830 00:41:53,197 --> 00:41:55,966 We need to stay here for the night. 831 00:41:56,033 --> 00:41:57,067 What the fuck is wrong with you? 832 00:41:57,134 --> 00:41:58,502 I'm trying to protect us. 833 00:42:00,204 --> 00:42:02,139 - He's dead weight. - He's my brother. 834 00:42:02,206 --> 00:42:03,107 Half-brother. 835 00:42:04,375 --> 00:42:06,410 You said you wished he was dead. 836 00:42:06,477 --> 00:42:08,212 This isn't about me, okay? 837 00:42:08,279 --> 00:42:09,913 You never liked Nate. 838 00:42:09,980 --> 00:42:13,117 I'm not about to let him get us killed. 839 00:42:21,258 --> 00:42:22,926 Nate and I used to play 840 00:42:22,993 --> 00:42:24,328 in this barn together when we were little. 841 00:42:24,395 --> 00:42:25,996 No, no, Angela. 842 00:42:27,031 --> 00:42:29,066 We don't have time for this. 843 00:42:30,401 --> 00:42:32,102 From the second I got here tonight, 844 00:42:32,169 --> 00:42:35,306 you've been saying how much you hate Nate. 845 00:42:35,372 --> 00:42:38,409 I know you feel some sort of obligation 846 00:42:38,475 --> 00:42:41,879 to him but he would have done exactly 847 00:42:41,945 --> 00:42:44,214 the same thing to us if he had had the chance. 848 00:42:45,549 --> 00:42:47,418 How can you say that? 849 00:42:47,484 --> 00:42:50,421 I can say that because I know who Nate is 850 00:42:52,089 --> 00:42:55,025 and deep down, you know who he is too. 851 00:42:57,127 --> 00:43:00,297 This situation really sucks, it does 852 00:43:01,965 --> 00:43:04,301 but I can protect you, we can survive together. 853 00:43:04,368 --> 00:43:06,170 I don't need you to protect me. 854 00:43:08,505 --> 00:43:11,975 Fine, you can protect me. 855 00:43:12,042 --> 00:43:13,310 Semantics, whatever. 856 00:43:14,411 --> 00:43:15,312 Angela, 857 00:43:16,580 --> 00:43:18,482 please trust me. 858 00:43:21,585 --> 00:43:25,089 [relaxed piano music] 859 00:43:25,155 --> 00:43:26,523 ♪ Sweet ♪ 860 00:43:26,590 --> 00:43:27,458 Okay, 861 00:43:29,093 --> 00:43:30,094 I trust you. 862 00:43:31,028 --> 00:43:32,596 ♪ Girl ♪ 863 00:43:35,099 --> 00:43:38,001 [Knife swooshes] 864 00:43:38,068 --> 00:43:41,038 [Lincoln cackling] 865 00:43:53,083 --> 00:43:54,318 [Angela screams] 866 00:44:05,028 --> 00:44:07,231 Whoa, whoa, whoa, Angela, it's just me, it's just me. 867 00:44:07,297 --> 00:44:09,099 Chill out, chill out. 868 00:44:09,166 --> 00:44:11,235 - Oh gross, is that blood? - Evan. 869 00:44:12,369 --> 00:44:13,504 - What? - Evan. 870 00:44:15,439 --> 00:44:17,441 I just watched him die. 871 00:44:17,508 --> 00:44:22,112 Oh my god, oh my god, hey, hey, come here. 872 00:44:23,147 --> 00:44:25,215 - Oh my god. - I'm so sorry. 873 00:44:26,483 --> 00:44:29,386 I'm so sorry, I didn't want to leave you. 874 00:44:29,453 --> 00:44:30,354 No. 875 00:44:32,189 --> 00:44:35,592 Hey, let's just say, uh, don't worry about it, okay? 876 00:44:35,659 --> 00:44:37,494 - Okay. - All right? 877 00:44:37,561 --> 00:44:41,198 Hey, come on, let's get to the cabin, yeah? 878 00:44:41,265 --> 00:44:42,466 - Okay. - Okay. 879 00:44:42,533 --> 00:44:44,401 Wait, what happened to Jackson? 880 00:44:44,468 --> 00:44:48,439 Let's just say we won't have to worry about him. 881 00:44:48,505 --> 00:44:52,042 [Jackson growls] 882 00:44:52,109 --> 00:44:53,477 I thought you said we don't have to worry about Jackson. 883 00:44:53,544 --> 00:44:56,346 I said "Lets say we wouldn't have to worry about Jackson." 884 00:44:56,413 --> 00:44:58,515 I don't know, it seemed like the right thing to say. 885 00:44:59,550 --> 00:45:03,420 [anxious mid tempo drumbeat] 886 00:45:04,388 --> 00:45:06,023 Okay, what now? 887 00:45:06,089 --> 00:45:07,224 I think we're lost. 888 00:45:07,291 --> 00:45:09,626 You'd better be joking. 889 00:45:09,693 --> 00:45:11,328 No, I really don't know where the cabin is. 890 00:45:11,395 --> 00:45:13,263 Well, it should just be over there. 891 00:45:13,330 --> 00:45:15,299 Well, it should be but, wait, hold on one second. 892 00:45:16,567 --> 00:45:18,235 Okay yeah, here we go. 893 00:45:18,302 --> 00:45:19,336 So if trees grow towards the north 894 00:45:19,403 --> 00:45:22,239 and moss grows fat on the rolling stone, 895 00:45:22,306 --> 00:45:23,507 then the cabin should be... 896 00:45:25,542 --> 00:45:27,244 Ow. 897 00:45:27,311 --> 00:45:28,512 - Let me look at it. - No stop, get off. 898 00:45:28,579 --> 00:45:30,514 This is my replacement phone. 899 00:45:30,581 --> 00:45:32,616 It's very susceptible to being broken by rocks. 900 00:45:32,683 --> 00:45:33,650 [phone buzzes] 901 00:45:33,717 --> 00:45:35,552 [Both] Mary. 902 00:45:35,619 --> 00:45:37,387 - Let me talk to her. - No, let me talk to her. 903 00:45:37,454 --> 00:45:39,122 - She's my girlfriend. - No, she's my best friend. 904 00:45:39,189 --> 00:45:40,290 - I've known her longer. - I've known her longer. 905 00:45:40,357 --> 00:45:41,258 - Have you kissed her? - Yes. 906 00:45:41,325 --> 00:45:44,194 - What? - What? 907 00:45:45,295 --> 00:45:46,730 - Nate, are you there? - Ow. 908 00:45:48,198 --> 00:45:50,300 Ange, oh my god, are you okay? 909 00:45:51,735 --> 00:45:53,403 Nate, 910 00:45:53,470 --> 00:45:54,371 Ange? 911 00:45:56,373 --> 00:45:58,141 Hello? 912 00:45:58,208 --> 00:46:02,746 [static crackling, automated message blaring] 913 00:46:04,481 --> 00:46:05,349 Marcus. 914 00:46:07,551 --> 00:46:09,386 I think it got Nate and Ange. 915 00:46:10,454 --> 00:46:12,289 What about Evan? 916 00:46:12,356 --> 00:46:15,158 I tried calling but it went straight to voicemail. 917 00:46:15,225 --> 00:46:17,261 Oh Evan, that's who I made 918 00:46:17,327 --> 00:46:19,296 the no phones on this trip agreement with. 919 00:46:19,363 --> 00:46:23,300 Marcus, it could just be us out here now. 920 00:46:23,367 --> 00:46:25,702 Dammit, Nate thought he'd be the last 921 00:46:25,770 --> 00:46:28,572 one alive during a zombie apocalypse scenario. 922 00:46:28,639 --> 00:46:30,307 He's gonna be so disappointed. 923 00:46:31,508 --> 00:46:33,310 - Oh my god. - Hey. 924 00:46:33,377 --> 00:46:35,445 Hey, stop all that, come on. 925 00:46:35,512 --> 00:46:37,314 It's gonna be okay. 926 00:46:37,381 --> 00:46:39,550 - Oh my god. - It's gonna be all right. 927 00:46:39,616 --> 00:46:41,718 [Mary weeps] Hey, hey. 928 00:46:41,786 --> 00:46:43,320 [door bangs] [Mary gasps] 929 00:46:43,387 --> 00:46:44,254 Marcus. 930 00:46:46,323 --> 00:46:48,625 Maybe we should call the police. 931 00:46:48,692 --> 00:46:51,194 Yeah right, the police, let's call the police. 932 00:46:52,496 --> 00:46:53,397 What's the number for the police? 933 00:46:53,463 --> 00:46:55,165 Seriously? 934 00:46:55,232 --> 00:46:57,200 I'm just kidding, I'm not that fucking stupid. 935 00:46:57,267 --> 00:46:58,268 Oh my god. 936 00:46:59,670 --> 00:47:02,205 1-800-Police... 937 00:47:02,272 --> 00:47:04,207 It's 911 Marcus, 911. 938 00:47:04,274 --> 00:47:05,342 Right, right. 939 00:47:07,812 --> 00:47:08,745 [Operator] 911, what's your emergency? 940 00:47:08,813 --> 00:47:12,182 Hi, well, we, I- 941 00:47:12,249 --> 00:47:13,750 - [Operator] Hello, sir? 942 00:47:13,818 --> 00:47:16,219 Zombies, there's zombies here, you gotta save us. 943 00:47:16,286 --> 00:47:18,488 [Operator] Sir, this line is for emergencies only. 944 00:47:18,555 --> 00:47:20,357 This is an emergency. 945 00:47:20,424 --> 00:47:22,392 We're at a cabin in the woods off I-15. 946 00:47:24,561 --> 00:47:26,597 [imitating zombie moans] 947 00:47:26,663 --> 00:47:28,365 Oh my god, they're gonna get her. 948 00:47:28,432 --> 00:47:29,767 Oh no, please don't get me. 949 00:47:29,834 --> 00:47:31,668 Oh, they're getting her. 950 00:47:31,735 --> 00:47:33,604 Oh my god, 951 00:47:33,670 --> 00:47:35,439 they're dismembering her body right in front of me. 952 00:47:35,505 --> 00:47:37,641 Oh no, I don't want to die, Marcus. 953 00:47:37,708 --> 00:47:40,577 I won't let you die, baby, it's gonna be okay. 954 00:47:40,644 --> 00:47:42,346 Oh my god. 955 00:47:42,412 --> 00:47:44,581 [imitates zombie munching] 956 00:47:44,648 --> 00:47:47,317 Jesus Christ, they ate her, they just fuckin' ate her. 957 00:47:47,384 --> 00:47:50,320 [Operator] Sir, sir, you do realize it's 958 00:47:50,387 --> 00:47:53,457 a Federal offense to prank call emergency services, right? 959 00:47:54,424 --> 00:47:56,393 Well, 960 00:47:56,460 --> 00:47:59,262 well yeah, thanks, bye. 961 00:47:59,329 --> 00:48:00,597 [anxious electronic music] 962 00:48:00,664 --> 00:48:02,566 There, they should be here in no time. 963 00:48:04,601 --> 00:48:06,303 Oh my god. 964 00:48:06,370 --> 00:48:07,671 What? 965 00:48:07,738 --> 00:48:09,406 - Oh my god. - Hey, come on, take it easy. 966 00:48:09,473 --> 00:48:12,643 Hey, listen, we'll get the power back on, 967 00:48:12,709 --> 00:48:16,279 get the AC blowing, microwave us some taquitos. 968 00:48:16,346 --> 00:48:17,681 Maybe get some sexy music going on. 969 00:48:17,748 --> 00:48:19,516 The AC. 970 00:48:19,583 --> 00:48:20,484 Marcus, 971 00:48:21,718 --> 00:48:23,687 the AC, it was blowing in your car 972 00:48:23,755 --> 00:48:25,622 and it seemed to hurt Washington. 973 00:48:25,689 --> 00:48:27,391 Maybe we'll be safe in your car and we can make a getaway. 974 00:48:27,457 --> 00:48:29,292 Yeah, great, let's get in my car. 975 00:48:29,359 --> 00:48:32,830 Wait, it died when I was out there before. 976 00:48:32,897 --> 00:48:34,297 What about Nate's car? 977 00:48:34,364 --> 00:48:35,465 The tires are shredded. 978 00:48:36,400 --> 00:48:37,701 What about Evan's? 979 00:48:37,769 --> 00:48:38,836 I think he took the keys with him. 980 00:48:39,871 --> 00:48:41,738 Can you hot-wire it? 981 00:48:41,806 --> 00:48:43,440 What do I look like, Hotty McWire? 982 00:48:43,507 --> 00:48:44,809 What? 983 00:48:44,876 --> 00:48:46,710 It's fine, we'll pop open the hood 984 00:48:46,778 --> 00:48:49,346 of my car and get that bad boy going in no time. 985 00:48:49,413 --> 00:48:50,782 I've seen a car two before. 986 00:48:51,816 --> 00:48:53,350 But what about Washington? 987 00:48:57,354 --> 00:49:00,524 [dramatic violin music] [fireworks whistling] 988 00:49:00,590 --> 00:49:02,827 I think I've got an idea. 989 00:49:05,429 --> 00:49:06,329 I want you 990 00:49:08,465 --> 00:49:11,468 to stay away from us and to not eat us. 991 00:49:13,370 --> 00:49:15,873 Marcus, this is the dumbest idea you've ever come up with. 992 00:49:15,940 --> 00:49:17,741 Join the Army. 993 00:49:17,809 --> 00:49:20,343 You can keep that stupid costume, by the way. 994 00:49:22,780 --> 00:49:23,680 Okay. 995 00:49:24,614 --> 00:49:25,749 I think it should work. 996 00:49:25,817 --> 00:49:28,318 Here, start the car. 997 00:49:28,385 --> 00:49:31,555 [anxious violin music] 998 00:49:35,860 --> 00:49:37,494 [zombie snarls] 999 00:49:37,561 --> 00:49:38,462 Marcus? 1000 00:49:39,797 --> 00:49:41,364 Save yourself. 1001 00:49:45,535 --> 00:49:46,536 Remember me. 1002 00:49:47,471 --> 00:49:48,705 Marcus, Marcus. 1003 00:49:49,807 --> 00:49:51,909 As a hero, not a coward. 1004 00:49:59,449 --> 00:49:59,984 Dammit. 1005 00:50:02,486 --> 00:50:03,821 Bury me on Halloween. 1006 00:50:05,455 --> 00:50:07,691 I want my funeral to be extra spooky. 1007 00:50:07,759 --> 00:50:08,658 [violent goring of Marcus] 1008 00:50:09,726 --> 00:50:10,795 Oh, Marcus. 1009 00:50:12,997 --> 00:50:14,731 Oh shit. 1010 00:50:14,799 --> 00:50:16,801 [Mary screams] 1011 00:50:16,868 --> 00:50:18,602 Chill out, asshole. 1012 00:50:21,738 --> 00:50:22,874 Not so cool, 1013 00:50:24,741 --> 00:50:25,642 is it? 1014 00:50:31,715 --> 00:50:33,550 We'll have a great Fourth of July, he said. 1015 00:50:33,617 --> 00:50:35,352 It'll be fun, he said. 1016 00:50:35,418 --> 00:50:36,486 What the fuck. 1017 00:50:36,553 --> 00:50:37,889 This is what I get for dating a white guy. 1018 00:50:37,955 --> 00:50:39,623 Who's next, Andrew Jackson? 1019 00:50:41,525 --> 00:50:45,629 [Mary screams] 1020 00:50:46,898 --> 00:50:48,900 What the... Angela, you almost broke my phone. 1021 00:50:48,966 --> 00:50:51,903 I told you it's very susceptible to being broken by rocks. 1022 00:50:53,470 --> 00:50:54,772 Oh man. 1023 00:50:54,839 --> 00:50:56,673 Well if you would've given me the GPS 10 minutes ago, 1024 00:50:56,740 --> 00:50:58,708 then we wouldn't have been in this situation. 1025 00:50:59,643 --> 00:51:00,978 Now we're even more lost 1026 00:51:01,045 --> 00:51:02,847 and we need to get back to the cabin. 1027 00:51:02,914 --> 00:51:06,583 Okay, yes, I agree but I don't know where the cabin is. 1028 00:51:06,650 --> 00:51:08,652 This is so fucking typical, Nate. 1029 00:51:10,520 --> 00:51:12,389 You raise an army of the living dead but your pride 1030 00:51:12,455 --> 00:51:14,658 and stupidity are still the biggest threats to our safety. 1031 00:51:14,724 --> 00:51:18,461 I raised an army of the living dead? 1032 00:51:18,528 --> 00:51:19,997 How sure are we that this isn't your fault? 1033 00:51:20,064 --> 00:51:21,966 My fault? 1034 00:51:22,033 --> 00:51:23,667 This all seems like America trying to teach you a lesson. 1035 00:51:23,733 --> 00:51:24,668 What lesson, don't get killed by zombies? 1036 00:51:24,734 --> 00:51:25,903 That's a great lesson. 1037 00:51:28,538 --> 00:51:29,606 If you'd only shown this much 1038 00:51:29,673 --> 00:51:31,541 initiative when dad got sick. 1039 00:51:31,608 --> 00:51:33,610 Oh, come on. 1040 00:51:33,677 --> 00:51:36,013 You didn't ask for my help, so I didn't offer it. 1041 00:51:36,080 --> 00:51:38,748 Well, I shouldn't have had to ask, he was our father. 1042 00:51:38,816 --> 00:51:40,684 I honored him in my own way. 1043 00:51:40,750 --> 00:51:42,719 You got drunk and broke into a baseball stadium. 1044 00:51:42,787 --> 00:51:44,688 It's what he would have wanted. 1045 00:51:45,756 --> 00:51:50,660 [zombie laughing] 1046 00:51:52,495 --> 00:51:57,068 Okay, I'm not sure what that is but I think we should, 1047 00:51:58,535 --> 00:51:59,569 yeah. 1048 00:51:59,636 --> 00:52:02,706 [tense violin music] 1049 00:52:08,880 --> 00:52:10,781 Come on Nate, let's go. 1050 00:52:10,848 --> 00:52:12,950 Wait a sec, I had a lot of beers and chalupas tonight. 1051 00:52:13,017 --> 00:52:14,852 [Nate Burps] 1052 00:52:14,919 --> 00:52:18,555 No seriously, look, the cabin's right there, come on. 1053 00:52:18,622 --> 00:52:21,591 [Jackson growling] 1054 00:52:25,029 --> 00:52:27,530 'Mander Chief. 1055 00:52:29,100 --> 00:52:30,700 This is all my fault. 1056 00:52:32,602 --> 00:52:35,039 Now's not the best time, Nathan. 1057 00:52:35,106 --> 00:52:38,776 Everyone else is dead and it's all my fault. 1058 00:52:38,843 --> 00:52:40,677 You don't know that, okay? 1059 00:52:40,744 --> 00:52:43,080 The car's gone, maybe Mary and Marcus went to go get help. 1060 00:52:44,916 --> 00:52:47,617 They'll never make it outta here and neither will we. 1061 00:52:47,684 --> 00:52:48,953 I killed Mary, 1062 00:52:49,020 --> 00:52:51,055 I killed Marcus, 1063 00:52:51,122 --> 00:52:52,622 I killed us. 1064 00:52:54,125 --> 00:52:58,062 If you feel so fucking bad, come and help me. 1065 00:53:00,730 --> 00:53:02,565 That can't be good. 1066 00:53:02,632 --> 00:53:04,902 Nate, come on, we gotta get out of here, come on. 1067 00:53:04,969 --> 00:53:07,772 What's the use? I'm no good. 1068 00:53:09,173 --> 00:53:11,741 I couldn't be there for dad when he needed me. 1069 00:53:13,044 --> 00:53:15,712 I couldn't protect Mary from the killer zombies. 1070 00:53:15,780 --> 00:53:16,981 I can't protect you. 1071 00:53:18,615 --> 00:53:19,884 I don't need you to protect me. 1072 00:53:19,951 --> 00:53:21,618 Right now, you need me to protect you. 1073 00:53:24,021 --> 00:53:25,856 Whatever has happened between us 1074 00:53:25,923 --> 00:53:27,892 in the past few years, it's behind us now, okay? 1075 00:53:27,959 --> 00:53:28,960 It doesn't matter. 1076 00:53:30,828 --> 00:53:32,863 I need you to get off your ass and come with me, okay? 1077 00:53:32,930 --> 00:53:34,597 We should stick together. 1078 00:53:38,803 --> 00:53:39,703 Okay. 1079 00:53:43,040 --> 00:53:44,842 A house divided- 1080 00:53:44,909 --> 00:53:46,210 - Against itself cannot stand. 1081 00:53:47,211 --> 00:53:48,545 Yes. 1082 00:53:48,611 --> 00:53:49,146 Come on. 1083 00:53:50,214 --> 00:53:51,782 You quoted Lincoln. 1084 00:53:52,850 --> 00:53:53,951 I win. 1085 00:53:54,018 --> 00:53:58,923 [door clatters] [Jackson growls] 1086 00:53:59,857 --> 00:54:02,960 [tense ensemble music] 1087 00:54:10,968 --> 00:54:13,636 [Nate grunts] 1088 00:54:25,648 --> 00:54:28,019 [Nate choking] 1089 00:54:37,828 --> 00:54:39,030 Nate, run. 1090 00:54:42,767 --> 00:54:46,871 My compatriot. 1091 00:54:53,077 --> 00:54:54,711 Brother. 1092 00:54:54,779 --> 00:54:55,279 Please 1093 00:54:56,746 --> 00:54:58,149 save your strength. 1094 00:55:00,017 --> 00:55:03,254 Enjoy the sweet warmth of the land of the living. 1095 00:55:06,157 --> 00:55:07,158 Washington 1096 00:55:08,059 --> 00:55:08,959 looks 1097 00:55:10,727 --> 00:55:11,262 human. 1098 00:55:12,196 --> 00:55:13,864 Hush, my friend. 1099 00:55:15,900 --> 00:55:17,700 Soon enough, you shall too. 1100 00:55:19,103 --> 00:55:20,004 Then 1101 00:55:20,971 --> 00:55:22,173 when we have our army, 1102 00:55:23,740 --> 00:55:25,810 nothing can stop us. 1103 00:55:28,045 --> 00:55:30,014 This land 1104 00:55:30,081 --> 00:55:31,182 belongs to us. 1105 00:55:35,853 --> 00:55:37,888 Are you ready to take it back? 1106 00:55:40,157 --> 00:55:45,162 [Washington and Lincoln cackling maniacally] 1107 00:56:03,347 --> 00:56:05,216 Nate, your tapping your foot is freaking me out, okay? 1108 00:56:05,282 --> 00:56:07,218 Help me board up a window or something. 1109 00:56:08,886 --> 00:56:10,754 Angela, I want to talk to you about something 1110 00:56:10,821 --> 00:56:12,123 and just a warning, it's going to be controversial. 1111 00:56:12,189 --> 00:56:14,325 Everything you say is controversial, Nate. 1112 00:56:15,960 --> 00:56:17,161 I don't think I can fight off these zombies. 1113 00:56:17,228 --> 00:56:18,762 Yeah, I know you can't. 1114 00:56:18,829 --> 00:56:20,898 You're not very coordinated. 1115 00:56:20,965 --> 00:56:23,968 I mean I don't think I can bring myself to do it. 1116 00:56:26,337 --> 00:56:28,172 What's that supposed to mean? 1117 00:56:28,239 --> 00:56:30,174 Look, if this were a legion of the undead 1118 00:56:30,241 --> 00:56:32,309 and they were a bunch of anonymous Joe Schmoes, 1119 00:56:32,376 --> 00:56:34,945 I would have no problem killing them. 1120 00:56:35,012 --> 00:56:39,250 But these, they're former Presidents of the United States. 1121 00:56:44,321 --> 00:56:46,790 Nate, I'm running out of rousing speeches here. 1122 00:56:46,857 --> 00:56:49,059 No Ange, you don't get it. 1123 00:56:49,126 --> 00:56:50,127 Washington, Lincoln. 1124 00:56:51,095 --> 00:56:53,230 They are America. 1125 00:56:53,297 --> 00:56:55,933 I mean shit, Andrew Jackson is on the $20 bill. 1126 00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:57,234 Is that literally the only thing 1127 00:56:57,301 --> 00:56:59,136 you know about Andrew Jackson? 1128 00:56:59,203 --> 00:57:01,138 - I know he was a President. - Yeah, which one? 1129 00:57:01,205 --> 00:57:02,106 What number? 1130 00:57:03,941 --> 00:57:08,745 I want to say higher than three but less than 50. 1131 00:57:08,812 --> 00:57:13,284 He was the seventh and he was a piece of shit. 1132 00:57:13,350 --> 00:57:15,219 You can't say that about a President. 1133 00:57:15,286 --> 00:57:17,354 Have you heard of the Trail of Tears? 1134 00:57:17,421 --> 00:57:19,023 That was Jackson. 1135 00:57:19,089 --> 00:57:20,958 No, I haven't heard of that and it 1136 00:57:21,025 --> 00:57:23,160 doesn't matter what he did, he was still the President. 1137 00:57:23,227 --> 00:57:24,828 Okay, enough Nate. 1138 00:57:24,895 --> 00:57:26,764 I'm clearly not gonna change your mind 1139 00:57:26,830 --> 00:57:29,433 but we have to do something, like get the power back on. 1140 00:57:31,835 --> 00:57:34,838 I'm sorry, Ange, but I really want to stay here. 1141 00:57:35,973 --> 00:57:38,275 Please stay here with me. 1142 00:57:39,910 --> 00:57:42,146 We can sit and talk, reconnect. 1143 00:57:43,280 --> 00:57:45,916 Look, I was wrong. 1144 00:57:46,850 --> 00:57:47,885 Okay? 1145 00:57:47,952 --> 00:57:51,789 We don't need each other and at this point, 1146 00:57:51,855 --> 00:57:54,925 I either have to leave you 1147 00:57:54,992 --> 00:57:56,060 or die with you. 1148 00:58:01,165 --> 00:58:06,036 You know why the Fourth of July is so important to me? 1149 00:58:06,103 --> 00:58:09,073 'Cause that's the last time I saw dad before he died. 1150 00:58:12,476 --> 00:58:15,179 It was the last time the three of us were all together. 1151 00:58:19,149 --> 00:58:21,952 That's why I wanted tonight to be so perfect. 1152 00:58:26,957 --> 00:58:28,492 You're all I have left, Ange. 1153 00:58:30,361 --> 00:58:31,295 You're my sister. 1154 00:58:33,497 --> 00:58:35,099 Half-sister. 1155 00:58:47,378 --> 00:58:51,081 [breakers clicking] 1156 00:58:51,148 --> 00:58:52,416 [electric crackling] 1157 00:58:56,053 --> 00:58:57,855 [footsteps] 1158 00:58:57,921 --> 00:59:00,391 [Jackson growls] 1159 00:59:05,129 --> 00:59:07,998 [Jackson cackles] 1160 00:59:10,267 --> 00:59:13,070 [Angela groans] 1161 00:59:19,543 --> 00:59:22,379 [Jackson snarls] 1162 00:59:46,036 --> 00:59:49,173 [thudding, squelching] 1163 00:59:57,314 --> 01:00:00,217 [Jackson gurgles] 1164 01:00:02,353 --> 01:00:03,253 What? 1165 01:00:05,989 --> 01:00:07,257 [Father] "From the desk of Professor 1166 01:00:07,324 --> 01:00:10,260 J. Walter Harmon to my colleagues. 1167 01:00:10,327 --> 01:00:12,329 Please know that if you're reading this, 1168 01:00:12,396 --> 01:00:14,264 it is too late for me. 1169 01:00:14,331 --> 01:00:17,101 Each day, I grow weaker and increasingly paranoid 1170 01:00:17,167 --> 01:00:20,404 of the possibility of my research into the supernatural 1171 01:00:20,471 --> 01:00:23,140 falling into the wrong hands. 1172 01:00:23,207 --> 01:00:25,042 Dad. 1173 01:00:25,109 --> 01:00:26,977 [Father] I believe that these documents which I have 1174 01:00:27,044 --> 01:00:30,013 gathered were created by ancient evil spirits made 1175 01:00:30,080 --> 01:00:33,183 to look like significant historical documents. 1176 01:00:33,250 --> 01:00:35,419 These papers function as a gateway 1177 01:00:35,486 --> 01:00:38,155 for the evil spirits to enter our world, 1178 01:00:38,222 --> 01:00:41,959 possess the dead and wreak havoc among the living. 1179 01:00:42,025 --> 01:00:44,128 If any of them are recited-" 1180 01:00:45,095 --> 01:00:46,363 The Declaration. 1181 01:00:46,430 --> 01:00:49,166 [Father] "Under the right ritualistic circumstances, 1182 01:00:49,233 --> 01:00:52,035 they theoretically hold the power to raise 1183 01:00:52,102 --> 01:00:55,506 with soulless purpose an army of the undead." 1184 01:00:56,573 --> 01:00:58,375 None of this makes any sense. 1185 01:00:58,442 --> 01:01:00,577 [Father] "None of this seems to make any sense to me 1186 01:01:00,644 --> 01:01:05,048 as an academic, but it all has a logic to it 1187 01:01:05,115 --> 01:01:07,050 if you just understand." 1188 01:01:07,117 --> 01:01:08,185 Well, shit. 1189 01:01:08,252 --> 01:01:10,521 [Father] "If anything is to happen to me, 1190 01:01:10,587 --> 01:01:13,190 these documents must be destroyed. 1191 01:01:13,257 --> 01:01:17,294 The evil within them is too powerful to go unchecked. 1192 01:01:17,361 --> 01:01:21,265 As I feel myself succumbing to my illness more and more, 1193 01:01:21,331 --> 01:01:23,066 I leave these instructions. 1194 01:01:23,133 --> 01:01:25,102 In the unfortunate event that these 1195 01:01:25,169 --> 01:01:27,438 evil spirits should somehow be awoken, 1196 01:01:27,504 --> 01:01:29,606 one must recreate the conditions under 1197 01:01:29,673 --> 01:01:32,609 which they were summoned in order to banish them forever." 1198 01:01:32,676 --> 01:01:36,480 Well, that was extremely helpful and incredibly specific. 1199 01:01:36,547 --> 01:01:38,382 [Father] "This may be the last 1200 01:01:38,449 --> 01:01:41,552 correspondence I make with the world of the living. 1201 01:01:41,618 --> 01:01:44,388 I just pray that the world knows growth, 1202 01:01:44,455 --> 01:01:48,592 strength and tolerance and I hope my children find peace." 1203 01:01:49,593 --> 01:01:51,595 Damn, thanks dad. 1204 01:01:56,233 --> 01:01:59,336 [low, tense drumbeat] 1205 01:02:07,177 --> 01:02:08,445 Okay, okay, okay. 1206 01:02:10,147 --> 01:02:10,681 Okay. 1207 01:02:12,316 --> 01:02:14,184 "We therefore, the Representatives of the 1208 01:02:14,251 --> 01:02:16,687 United States of America in General Congress assembled." 1209 01:02:17,588 --> 01:02:18,455 Fuck. 1210 01:02:20,123 --> 01:02:21,258 Shit. 1211 01:02:21,325 --> 01:02:23,260 Oh fuck, beer, oh shit. 1212 01:02:25,162 --> 01:02:28,599 Americana, I mean it's more of an idea than a tangible, 1213 01:02:29,600 --> 01:02:31,201 oh fuck, oh fuck. 1214 01:02:32,336 --> 01:02:35,272 [Jackson growling] 1215 01:02:46,216 --> 01:02:49,152 Get off, get off, let go. 1216 01:02:55,225 --> 01:02:56,460 What do you want from me? 1217 01:02:57,394 --> 01:02:58,629 The documents. 1218 01:03:05,302 --> 01:03:10,307 ♪ Oh beautiful America ♪ 1219 01:03:11,375 --> 01:03:14,711 ♪ From sea to shiny sea ♪ 1220 01:03:15,780 --> 01:03:17,681 [Angela screams] 1221 01:03:17,748 --> 01:03:20,417 [Angela] Get your fucking hands off me. 1222 01:03:20,484 --> 01:03:21,385 Oh fuck. 1223 01:03:24,756 --> 01:03:25,656 Shit. 1224 01:03:27,792 --> 01:03:31,128 What the fuck, somebody help me! 1225 01:03:31,194 --> 01:03:34,565 Somebody help me, somebody fucking help me! 1226 01:03:40,737 --> 01:03:42,606 Nate, help me. 1227 01:03:42,673 --> 01:03:43,674 Oh my god. 1228 01:03:45,576 --> 01:03:47,411 All right, all right. 1229 01:03:48,412 --> 01:03:51,214 [Nate humming nervously] 1230 01:03:51,281 --> 01:03:52,215 Breathe. Breathe. 1231 01:03:54,284 --> 01:03:55,319 Breathe. 1232 01:03:55,385 --> 01:03:56,520 Okay. 1233 01:03:56,587 --> 01:03:57,487 They've got Angela, 1234 01:03:58,555 --> 01:04:01,258 that is a bummer. 1235 01:04:02,326 --> 01:04:03,226 It really is. 1236 01:04:04,628 --> 01:04:07,698 But it shows that I was right. 1237 01:04:07,765 --> 01:04:10,567 I was right for staying in here. 1238 01:04:11,836 --> 01:04:13,503 That counts for something, right? 1239 01:04:13,570 --> 01:04:16,573 [wooden clattering] 1240 01:04:19,443 --> 01:04:21,278 They're in the house. 1241 01:04:23,614 --> 01:04:24,514 Shit. 1242 01:04:28,518 --> 01:04:32,456 [anxious ensemble piano music] 1243 01:05:03,587 --> 01:05:05,522 I have to do something. 1244 01:05:07,624 --> 01:05:08,525 After all, 1245 01:05:10,394 --> 01:05:11,662 she's my sister. 1246 01:05:15,800 --> 01:05:16,901 I'm coming, Ange. 1247 01:05:23,908 --> 01:05:25,442 It's hero time. 1248 01:05:26,510 --> 01:05:30,347 [dramatic violin, rock music] 1249 01:05:46,463 --> 01:05:47,664 Let impeachment proceedings 1250 01:05:49,533 --> 01:05:50,400 proceed. 1251 01:05:58,508 --> 01:05:59,676 It's not here. 1252 01:06:04,548 --> 01:06:06,616 Where is it? 1253 01:06:06,683 --> 01:06:08,452 I told you, 1254 01:06:08,518 --> 01:06:09,653 those are the only documents that I know about. 1255 01:06:09,720 --> 01:06:11,421 The Declaration, 1256 01:06:12,456 --> 01:06:14,491 where did you put it? 1257 01:06:14,558 --> 01:06:16,828 I don't know anything about any Declaration. 1258 01:06:16,894 --> 01:06:19,663 - She lies. - Why are you doing this? 1259 01:06:19,730 --> 01:06:21,364 This goes against everything that 1260 01:06:21,431 --> 01:06:23,567 the Founding Fathers are supposed to stand for. 1261 01:06:23,633 --> 01:06:26,570 We must destroy the Declaration. 1262 01:06:27,772 --> 01:06:29,639 Then we will be unstoppable. 1263 01:06:30,975 --> 01:06:32,642 America is sick, 1264 01:06:32,709 --> 01:06:34,544 you disrespect the flag, 1265 01:06:34,611 --> 01:06:37,347 you disrespect each other, you disrespect your leaders. 1266 01:06:37,414 --> 01:06:40,852 This land needs resurrection. 1267 01:06:42,486 --> 01:06:45,923 The dead shall rule the living in a new era 1268 01:06:45,990 --> 01:06:47,892 of American history. 1269 01:06:50,460 --> 01:06:51,763 Why don't you just kill me? 1270 01:06:52,729 --> 01:06:54,464 We wouldn't kill you. 1271 01:06:55,732 --> 01:06:57,935 You and your brother instituted the ritual. 1272 01:06:58,002 --> 01:07:00,938 We wouldn't be here without you. 1273 01:07:04,441 --> 01:07:08,745 So what, are you gonna use us to bring back slavery? 1274 01:07:10,714 --> 01:07:11,816 Slavery went away? 1275 01:07:16,954 --> 01:07:18,488 Enough of this. 1276 01:07:24,896 --> 01:07:27,865 "We the people of the United-" 1277 01:07:27,932 --> 01:07:29,432 That's not gonna work. 1278 01:07:30,034 --> 01:07:31,668 Why? 1279 01:07:31,735 --> 01:07:35,907 Oh, because we don't have Americana. 1280 01:07:38,508 --> 01:07:39,043 We 1281 01:07:39,944 --> 01:07:40,845 are 1282 01:07:42,046 --> 01:07:42,947 Americana. 1283 01:07:46,784 --> 01:07:49,954 [tense ensemble music] 1284 01:07:52,790 --> 01:07:55,893 "We the people of the United States, 1285 01:07:57,527 --> 01:07:59,931 in order to form a more perfect Union." 1286 01:07:59,997 --> 01:08:02,465 There's nothing perfect about this Union, 1287 01:08:04,467 --> 01:08:05,937 mother fuckers. 1288 01:08:06,003 --> 01:08:08,638 [dramatic violin, rock music] 1289 01:08:08,705 --> 01:08:10,842 [chainsaw revs] 1290 01:08:10,908 --> 01:08:12,642 I forgot to put gas in that. 1291 01:08:12,709 --> 01:08:13,978 [cat screeches] 1292 01:08:18,015 --> 01:08:18,950 No shells in that. 1293 01:08:23,054 --> 01:08:25,857 Nobody move, I'm gonna be right back. 1294 01:08:30,660 --> 01:08:33,965 "In order to form a more perfect Union." 1295 01:08:35,565 --> 01:08:37,634 Happy Independence Day, mother... 1296 01:08:37,701 --> 01:08:38,568 FUCK 1297 01:08:41,705 --> 01:08:42,606 Go get it. 1298 01:08:47,044 --> 01:08:49,679 Nate, don't let him get the Declaration. 1299 01:08:49,746 --> 01:08:52,716 [muffled shouting] 1300 01:08:55,619 --> 01:08:56,954 Get fucked, Abe. 1301 01:09:04,829 --> 01:09:07,664 [Jackson growls] 1302 01:09:08,598 --> 01:09:11,869 [tense electronic music] 1303 01:09:17,074 --> 01:09:19,743 [Nate groans] 1304 01:09:22,780 --> 01:09:23,680 That smarts. 1305 01:09:31,155 --> 01:09:34,058 Stay back, stay back, Mr. Presidents. 1306 01:09:37,061 --> 01:09:39,897 [tense drumbeat] 1307 01:09:56,180 --> 01:09:59,050 [Angela screams] 1308 01:10:11,062 --> 01:10:13,864 [Jackson and Washington cackling] 1309 01:10:13,931 --> 01:10:16,666 [Nate weeping] 1310 01:10:29,113 --> 01:10:31,849 [fireworks booming] 1311 01:10:31,916 --> 01:10:33,750 Bet you didn't think you'd be able 1312 01:10:33,818 --> 01:10:37,121 to hear fireworks all the way out here, mother fuckers. 1313 01:10:37,188 --> 01:10:39,056 Ah, hell fucking yeah, babe. 1314 01:10:40,091 --> 01:10:41,624 That one's for Harriet. 1315 01:10:42,960 --> 01:10:47,031 [tense violin, electronic music] 1316 01:11:07,918 --> 01:11:12,189 I believe you have something that belongs to me. 1317 01:11:12,256 --> 01:11:14,792 And I believe you have something 1318 01:11:14,859 --> 01:11:18,628 that belongs to the American people. 1319 01:11:18,695 --> 01:11:20,831 [dramatic rock tones] 1320 01:11:21,999 --> 01:11:25,136 [anxious violin music] 1321 01:11:30,274 --> 01:11:31,942 Goddammit. 1322 01:11:32,009 --> 01:11:33,944 Show's over. 1323 01:11:34,011 --> 01:11:37,614 [dramatic operatic music] 1324 01:11:37,680 --> 01:11:40,717 Ange, oh my god, you're okay, oh my god, oh my god. 1325 01:11:40,785 --> 01:11:42,652 Come on, we gotta read the Declaration again. 1326 01:11:42,719 --> 01:11:44,188 It's the only way to send those zombies back to hell. 1327 01:11:44,255 --> 01:11:45,655 What? 1328 01:11:45,722 --> 01:11:46,757 None of this makes any sense. 1329 01:11:46,824 --> 01:11:48,292 Oh, it all has a logic to it, 1330 01:11:49,894 --> 01:11:51,929 if you just understand. 1331 01:11:54,265 --> 01:11:55,166 What? 1332 01:12:02,073 --> 01:12:04,707 [Mary gasps] 1333 01:12:09,712 --> 01:12:11,949 Did somebody order a Declaration of Independence? 1334 01:12:13,117 --> 01:12:14,852 Nate, you got it. 1335 01:12:22,793 --> 01:12:23,761 Thank me later. 1336 01:12:25,963 --> 01:12:27,131 - Hey babe. - What? 1337 01:12:27,198 --> 01:12:29,200 Thanks for coming back for me. 1338 01:12:29,266 --> 01:12:30,167 Oh Nate, 1339 01:12:31,836 --> 01:12:33,736 I think we should see other people. 1340 01:12:33,804 --> 01:12:34,338 What? 1341 01:12:37,041 --> 01:12:40,144 [Mary gurgles, gasps] 1342 01:12:52,890 --> 01:12:53,791 Thank you. 1343 01:12:54,358 --> 01:12:56,327 I was looking for this. 1344 01:13:03,834 --> 01:13:05,169 I cannot tell a lie. 1345 01:13:06,971 --> 01:13:08,339 This is gonna hurt. 1346 01:13:09,840 --> 01:13:12,109 Hey Washington, 1347 01:13:12,176 --> 01:13:15,012 Washington, look behind you. 1348 01:13:15,079 --> 01:13:16,147 The British are coming. 1349 01:13:17,381 --> 01:13:20,284 I'm not turning around. 1350 01:13:20,351 --> 01:13:22,319 No seriously, there's like 50 of 'em. 1351 01:13:22,386 --> 01:13:25,256 Yeah, and it looks like one of 'em's kissing your wife. 1352 01:13:26,357 --> 01:13:27,258 Martha? 1353 01:13:32,363 --> 01:13:36,000 [tense electronic music] 1354 01:13:40,037 --> 01:13:41,105 Nate, Nate. 1355 01:13:44,141 --> 01:13:45,075 Sorry babe, 1356 01:13:45,142 --> 01:13:45,976 ex-babe, 1357 01:13:46,043 --> 01:13:46,877 Mary. 1358 01:13:46,944 --> 01:13:47,845 Yep. 1359 01:13:52,850 --> 01:13:54,885 Holy shit, you saw that, right? 1360 01:13:55,819 --> 01:13:56,887 Ew, ew, ew. 1361 01:14:03,127 --> 01:14:04,995 "We therefore, the Representatives of the 1362 01:14:05,062 --> 01:14:08,866 United States of America in General Congress assembled," 1363 01:14:08,933 --> 01:14:11,168 - fuck. - Nothing is happening. 1364 01:14:12,136 --> 01:14:13,137 Americana. 1365 01:14:14,071 --> 01:14:15,339 What? 1366 01:14:15,406 --> 01:14:17,041 This is gonna sound so fucking stupid 1367 01:14:17,107 --> 01:14:18,943 but the key to all of this is the beer. 1368 01:14:19,009 --> 01:14:21,845 Shit, I drank the last two before I came out here. 1369 01:14:21,912 --> 01:14:23,280 Damn you, past Nate. 1370 01:14:23,347 --> 01:14:26,050 We just need more Americana. 1371 01:14:28,252 --> 01:14:31,922 [patriotic trumpet music] 1372 01:14:33,290 --> 01:14:34,959 [Nate and Angela] "We therefore, 1373 01:14:35,025 --> 01:14:36,293 the Representatives of the United States 1374 01:14:36,360 --> 01:14:38,996 of America in General Congress assembled, 1375 01:14:39,063 --> 01:14:40,931 appealing to the Supreme Judge 1376 01:14:40,998 --> 01:14:43,834 of the world for the rectitude of our intentions do in the 1377 01:14:43,901 --> 01:14:47,238 name and by authority of the good people of these colonies 1378 01:14:47,304 --> 01:14:50,341 solemnly publish and declare that for the support of this 1379 01:14:50,407 --> 01:14:54,011 Declaration with a firm reliance on the protection 1380 01:14:54,078 --> 01:14:56,914 of divine Providence, we mutually pledge-" 1381 01:14:56,981 --> 01:14:59,883 God damn America. 1382 01:14:59,950 --> 01:15:01,885 [Angela and Nate] "We mutually pledge to each other 1383 01:15:01,952 --> 01:15:05,823 our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor." 1384 01:15:09,960 --> 01:15:14,098 You can't kill me, I am America. 1385 01:15:15,933 --> 01:15:20,170 No Mr. President, you're not America anymore. 1386 01:15:20,237 --> 01:15:21,138 No, no! 1387 01:15:36,220 --> 01:15:38,522 Looks like we're the ones getting re-elected, 1388 01:15:40,391 --> 01:15:41,492 mother fuckers. 1389 01:15:46,997 --> 01:15:50,401 Not gonna lie, that was pretty fuckin' cool. 1390 01:15:51,535 --> 01:15:52,436 Yeah. 1391 01:15:53,504 --> 01:15:54,538 Yeah, it was. 1392 01:15:58,108 --> 01:16:01,478 [Nate and Angela laughing] 1393 01:16:03,514 --> 01:16:04,982 I mean, you... 1394 01:16:07,117 --> 01:16:08,018 Oh my. 1395 01:16:19,196 --> 01:16:20,964 Did my leg come off? 1396 01:16:21,031 --> 01:16:24,034 [dramatic electronic tone] 1397 01:16:24,101 --> 01:16:26,470 [Nate screams] 1398 01:16:29,406 --> 01:16:32,142 [Nate wailing] 1399 01:16:34,044 --> 01:16:35,279 Am I gonna die? 1400 01:16:35,346 --> 01:16:36,947 No, you're not gonna die, it's okay. 1401 01:16:37,014 --> 01:16:39,516 I've never met someone with just one leg. 1402 01:16:39,583 --> 01:16:41,985 Do you need two legs to live? 1403 01:16:42,052 --> 01:16:44,121 No, hey bud, it's okay, don't worry. 1404 01:16:44,188 --> 01:16:46,357 Don't worry, I'm here for you. 1405 01:16:46,423 --> 01:16:48,258 - Don't worry, okay? - Yeah? 1406 01:16:48,325 --> 01:16:51,462 [relaxed piano music] 1407 01:16:55,199 --> 01:16:57,434 We're kinda like a team now, huh? 1408 01:16:57,501 --> 01:16:59,603 Yeah, we work pretty well together. 1409 01:17:01,271 --> 01:17:03,374 I couldn't have worked together without you. 1410 01:17:05,075 --> 01:17:07,044 - I love you. - I love you, too. 1411 01:17:08,612 --> 01:17:11,482 Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt this family moment, 1412 01:17:11,548 --> 01:17:13,016 it seems really nice. 1413 01:17:13,083 --> 01:17:14,351 Our ambulance is stuck 1414 01:17:14,418 --> 01:17:17,121 on the gravelly, winding nightmare road. 1415 01:17:17,187 --> 01:17:21,125 Do you think you could walk...? 1416 01:17:21,191 --> 01:17:22,993 Uh... yeah, we'll get you in there. 1417 01:17:23,060 --> 01:17:24,495 We'll get you in there in just a sec. 1418 01:17:26,363 --> 01:17:29,366 We wanted to tell you that this ride is gonna cost 1419 01:17:30,601 --> 01:17:34,004 $9,283. 1420 01:17:34,071 --> 01:17:37,641 No, he has insurance, so it should be covered. 1421 01:17:39,076 --> 01:17:42,146 According to this, it's not. 1422 01:17:42,212 --> 01:17:43,380 Are you fucking serious? 1423 01:17:45,249 --> 01:17:46,583 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't do well with bad news. 1424 01:17:46,650 --> 01:17:48,552 I don't like delivering it 1425 01:17:48,619 --> 01:17:50,287 but there is more bad news. 1426 01:17:51,355 --> 01:17:53,190 It looks like your insurance 1427 01:17:53,257 --> 01:17:56,293 isn't gonna cover the reattachment of your leg. 1428 01:17:57,261 --> 01:17:58,462 What? 1429 01:17:58,529 --> 01:18:00,130 Yeah, it only covers limbs 1430 01:18:00,197 --> 01:18:03,066 that become missing in the hospital. 1431 01:18:03,133 --> 01:18:05,402 Is that supposed to be some kind of joke? 1432 01:18:05,469 --> 01:18:08,338 What kind of a fucked up policy is that? 1433 01:18:08,405 --> 01:18:09,506 I mean, that's insane. 1434 01:18:11,275 --> 01:18:13,110 We got some good news. 1435 01:18:13,177 --> 01:18:14,211 We got some good news for you. 1436 01:18:14,278 --> 01:18:16,113 Anything, man, please. 1437 01:18:16,180 --> 01:18:17,080 Yeah. 1438 01:18:19,450 --> 01:18:21,618 They're putting on another fireworks show tonight 1439 01:18:21,685 --> 01:18:24,655 and I think you're gonna be just in time to see it. 1440 01:18:32,563 --> 01:18:33,530 Are you f- 1441 01:18:33,597 --> 01:18:37,234 [ominous ensemble music] 1442 01:18:42,706 --> 01:18:46,376 [dramatic operatic music] 1443 01:19:34,491 --> 01:19:38,629 [relaxed synthesized guitar music] 1444 01:19:38,753 --> 01:19:42,519 Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull 1445 01:19:42,633 --> 01:19:45,669 [mid tempo drumbeat] 1446 01:19:51,375 --> 01:19:55,479 ♪ I'm feeling kinda sick ♪ here like a dog in a pit ♪ 1447 01:19:55,546 --> 01:19:59,583 ♪ My head is feeling heavier ♪ than I'd like to admit ♪ 1448 01:19:59,650 --> 01:20:04,254 ♪ So when you come around, ♪ don't be calling my name ♪ 1449 01:20:04,321 --> 01:20:08,725 ♪ I've got another bullet ♪ that has got your name on it ♪ 1450 01:20:08,793 --> 01:20:13,530 [mid tempo ensemble synthesized music] 1451 01:20:28,478 --> 01:20:32,716 ♪ Now we're on the run ♪ taking it to the streets ♪ 1452 01:20:32,784 --> 01:20:37,254 ♪ What's it even matter ♪ if I can't even see ♪ 1453 01:20:37,321 --> 01:20:41,592 ♪ Bleeding out my eyes ♪ because you took them away ♪ 1454 01:20:41,658 --> 01:20:46,663 ♪ Don't say nothing 'cause you ♪ can't even speak, okay, go ♪ 1455 01:21:03,513 --> 01:21:07,684 ♪ walk away, walk away ♪ 1456 01:21:07,751 --> 01:21:12,222 ♪ walk away, walk away ♪ 1457 01:21:12,289 --> 01:21:16,593 ♪ It's on at dawn ♪ 1458 01:21:16,660 --> 01:21:20,664 ♪ It's on at dawn ♪ 1459 01:21:20,731 --> 01:21:24,769 ♪ We don't wanna hurt nobody, ♪ we don't wanna hurt nobody ♪ 1460 01:21:24,836 --> 01:21:29,373 ♪ We don't wanna hurt nobody, ♪ we don't wanna hurt nobody ♪ 1461 01:21:29,439 --> 01:21:34,444 ♪ We don't wanna hurt nobody, ♪ we don't wanna hurt nobody ♪ 1462 01:21:38,348 --> 01:21:41,685 [upbeat electronic music] 1463 01:22:08,378 --> 01:22:10,714 [dramatic electronic tones] 1464 01:22:10,782 --> 01:22:13,383 [cat meows] 103222