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1
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'The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour.'
2
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'The Tokyo Olympic Games
are just around the corner,
3
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so Romesh and I are on a very special
-mission.'Ready?
-Yeah.
4
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:23,720
'To see if we have what it takes
to join the ranks of Team GB.
5
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We're fed up of being useless
at everything,
6
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so we've recruited some of
our nation's finest athletes
7
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,120
to help us out.'
8
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(GUNSHOT)
Oh, my God!
9
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'With 339 Olympic events
to choose from...'
10
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:43,680
(ALL LAUGH)
Aghh!
11
00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:47,000
'..we'll see the good...'
He's found his event.
12
00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:50,480
'..the bad...'
(LAUGHS)
Whoo!
13
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,160
'..and the downright ugly...'
Oh, no!
14
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,280
'..as we try to discover
15
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:59,240
a sport in which we could represent
Team GB.'
16
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,480
-BOTH: Yes!
-Come on!
-You hit it!
-Yes, Romesh!
17
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,680
-I love the Olympics.
-What is
your favourite event to watch?
18
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:18,240
I love it when there's a fat bloke
who can't swim going slow
19
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,720
or they just get some nutter to do
an event they've never done before.
20
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,880
You remember Eric the Eel?
Couldn't swim.
21
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,560
And that big, fat geezer.
Sorry, the...
22
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,400
What's the word without getting
-cancelled?
-Er... The heavier guy.
23
00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:32,200
Yeah. The thicker-set guy.
24
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:35,040
Yeah, the well-built guy
doing the 100 metres.
25
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I love the 100 metres.
Like, growing up...
26
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That is the best one...that was
a family get round the telly
27
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:43,840
-and watch this.Linford.
-Yeah.
Linford Christie dominating.
28
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:46,280
That was my earliest memory,
I think, of the Olympics,
29
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was Linford Christie
winning the 100 metres.
30
00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:52,160
I remember growing up and there were
certain events you had to watch,
31
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:56,120
you got excited. All the key running
ones everyone was buzzing about.
32
00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,840
And then
the other thing about it was,
33
00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:01,560
just for that short period of time,
34
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:04,520
getting heavily invested in a sport
outside of the Olympics
35
00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:07,000
you wouldn't give a shiny shit
-about.
-Yep. 100 percent.
36
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,800
And you start to know all...
You watch it for an hour
37
00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:13,800
and you're an expert on the jumping
-technique of the triple jump.
-Yeah.
38
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:17,000
"He's really crisp, that one."
Do you know the other thing you do?
39
00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:19,880
You watch it and you go,
"Do you know what?
40
00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:23,240
I'm actually gonna start following
this sport, outside of this."Yeah.
41
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:25,520
"Cos it is actually..."
When you get into it here,
42
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,760
you think, "This is really great."
You start making a note of names.
43
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,160
Crystal Palace, they've got
a whole athletics stadium!
44
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,240
We should go and watch
the regional tournaments.
45
00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:36,760
Rob and Romesh versus
the Dagenham regionals.(LAUGHS)
46
00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:42,080
The challenge is to find
-our Olympic sport.
-Yeah.
47
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:46,200
Because loads of these sports
we haven't had a go at.
48
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,680
So it's possible we've got,
inside us,
49
00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,400
just sitting away in there...
A kernel.
50
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:55,200
..some sort of natural, latent...
Like a kernel.
51
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:58,680
-Is latent the right word?
-No,
-kernel.
-OK. ..kernel of ability
52
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:04,120
that means that we could be about
-to find our Olympic sports.
-Yeah!
53
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,240
'But before we got too carried away,
54
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:11,120
we'd have to come up with
some sort of a master plan.'
55
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,360
Come on, Rom, you're gonna love it.
56
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,280
I've set it up.
Wow.
57
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,320
'So we headed off to my man cave.'
58
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,600
-Beer?
-It's very nice, Bobby.
Er, yes, please.
59
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,920
'We desperately needed
to find something
60
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that we might not be terrible at.'
61
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,200
I'm sick of being rubbish.
Me, too.
62
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:30,720
Normally,
we get given something to do.
63
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But now we are in control
-of our destiny.
-Exactly!
64
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:40,200
'With 33 sports and 339 events
on offer, maybe we'll strike gold.'
65
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,720
We've got all of these events.
Yeah.
66
00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:46,960
A lot of them probably only three or
four people bother to have a go at.
67
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,840
To be honest... There must be one
here that we're gonna excel at.
68
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:53,520
-There must be.
-A couple of them
I don't even know how to spell.
69
00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:57,320
Some of them stand out for me
-in a sense of absolutely not.
-OK.
70
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-Anything that's running.
-I'm amazed
you've even put athletics events up.
71
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:03,640
I cannot believe 100 metres
-is up there.
-Yeah.
72
00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,600
We've met Usain Bolt.
Yeah, I know, but he's retired.
73
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,320
So you thought
you've got an opening?
74
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:11,120
It's easier now than it was in 2012,
innit?(LAUGHS)
75
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:15,800
It feels quite exciting. It feels
like we're planning a heist.
76
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:18,760
Right, shall we do this?
Do it, yeah.
77
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,840
'Rob carefully divided
the whiteboard into categories.'
78
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:26,760
OK, so no.'Not realising that
his pen didn't really show up.'
79
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,000
Right, yes, no, maybe.
80
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,760
Let's get rid of the nos
-first of all.
-Right, nos.
81
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,240
All the metres?
Yeah, get rid of all them.
82
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:36,960
There's a few metres here.
Hurdles. 400 metres hurdles.
83
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:42,200
Hurdles. Relay. That's four times...
-There's only two of us.
-Yeah.
84
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,920
The other two people would have
to be superhuman... Yeah.
85
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,800
..to bring up the average.
Ooh, pentathlon. What is that?
86
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:52,160
Five events, none of which
we've got any interest in. No.
87
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,720
Can I just say this? Pole vault,
I don't think we've got it in us.
88
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,120
I dunno. We've never tried.
Rob...
89
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,400
I wonder how people find out
they're good at that.
90
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:01,520
That's what I'm saying!
But I don't wanna do it.
91
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:04,200
What do you practise with,
a snooker cue and a ditch?
92
00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:06,960
OK. Put it in maybe.
93
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:10,720
-Maybe. Because we don't know.
-But
that is if we're really desperate.
94
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:14,600
Google "fat Olympian".
OK.
95
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,280
See what we get.
Cos there must be one.
96
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,320
It's weird,
it's come up with you and me.
97
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:24,640
Hammer throw, discus throw,
shot put and javelin.
98
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:27,240
I'm gonna put it out there,
they're going straight into yes.
99
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,760
I think so.
Straight in.
100
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,640
If we can't do that, what can we do?
101
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:35,960
Road cycling, mountain biking.
No. Get rid. Get rid.
102
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,760
Baseball, softball.
No.
103
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,680
It's just hitting.
But then you have to run.
104
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,400
Golf. Nah.
105
00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:48,200
-No.
-Ooh! Steeplechase.
I don't even know what that is.
106
00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:50,640
Isn't that like the Grand National
but with people?
107
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:53,120
I'll stick it in maybe
while you Google it. Google that.
108
00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:56,320
-Steeplechase?
-Yeah.
It's an obstacle race in athletics
109
00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:59,280
which derives...
No, sorry, that's enough. Athletics.
110
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:01,000
Right, shooting.
111
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:04,680
Now, listen, I think we could be on
-to something with shooting.
-OK, yes.
112
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,760
That's just a gun, innit?
You don't have to move for that.
113
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:11,680
-That's good for us.Yeah.
-Gymnastics.
The ribbon could be a goer.
114
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,880
Weightlifting.100 percent yes.
It's worth a go, innit?
115
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,840
Like, they have to eat so much.
116
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:24,000
Basketball, we know
-that's a big maybe.What?
-What?
117
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:27,280
(BOTH LAUGH)
Stick that in no.
118
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:32,080
Canoe slalom.
It sounds like a laugh, doesn't it?
119
00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:34,960
It's just all that, innit?
-And it's all normally downhill.
-Yeah.
120
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,240
You don't have to... It's more
-steering rather than power.
-Yeah.
121
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:41,600
There are certain events
in the Olympics that's impressive.
122
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,160
Like all the running stuff.
You keep saying stuff like,
123
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,800
"Pole vault's pole vault, innit?"
There's two levels.
124
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:51,000
It's like in comedy. You get the
comedians and then musical comedians.
125
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:55,040
Some are funny, some have respect,
and then you have musical comedians.
126
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,720
(LAUGHS)
It's just how it is.
And that's the same with this.
127
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,840
It's like... It's not really a sport,
is it, canoeing?
128
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,520
No. None of them are. We're going
for the ones that aren't sports.
129
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:08,800
Exactly! Canoe, I'm gonna say yeah.
-The boat's doing the work.
-Sure.
130
00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:12,360
-Hockey.
-Yeah, that's something
we might... It's worth a go, innit?
131
00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:15,160
-Yeah.
-If we like it, we like it.
If we don't, we don't.(SIGHS)
132
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:18,560
'Basically, there was a lot
we didn't like.'
133
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,680
That no column's looking very busy,
isn't it?
134
00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,800
Well, it would look that busy
for Usain Bolt, wouldn't it?
135
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:26,480
You're absolutely right. There'd be
-more of them.
-If anything,
136
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,640
we're better than him at athletics.
-Absolutely right.
-There it is.
137
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,680
-Our future.
-I think we might be
joining the Olympics.
138
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,960
Drink it in.
Job well done.
139
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:41,760
'So we're targeting success in
at least one of nine Olympic events.
140
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,160
First on our list
was the canoe slalom,
141
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:56,800
an event
I was very optimistic about.'
142
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,920
We thought we could just, you know,
scoot about a bit
143
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,000
in a canoe and become Olympians.
144
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:07,880
'So we nipped off to Team GB's
canoe HQ... in Lea Valley.'
145
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:12,640
'Giving us a hand were former
European Champion Kimberley Woods
146
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:16,600
and Britain's most successful
female canoeist Mallory Franklin.
147
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:23,000
The aim is to slalom down
this 300-metre white-water course.'
148
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:24,640
Oh, here they come.
149
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,280
'But when we got here...'
Oh, God.
150
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,600
'..I realised what Rob
had got us into.'
151
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:32,080
I honestly don't know what
we were thinking in your garage.
152
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,440
How was this even on the board
in the first place,
153
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:37,720
let alone in the yes column? Why did
we think we'd be able to do this?
154
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:40,800
I didn't realise
it was so fast as this.
155
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:44,280
Yeah, well, I guess the clue's
in the name rapids.
156
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:47,280
Oh, my God, she's gone under! And
she came straight back out again
157
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,560
and literally shook her head
like a Labrador.
158
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,120
(LAUGHS) Like a dog out of a river!
159
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:57,040
See, that, for me,
I thought that was a danger zone.
160
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:58,840
She's deliberately gone into
that area.
161
00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:01,200
But isn't the boat
-doing most of the work?
-No!
162
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,640
I can't believe
you're still clinging onto that.
163
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:06,520
I'm thinking back to us in the
garage. "It's just a boat, innit?"
164
00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:10,320
-It is not the boat.
-Right,
take the boat and the oar away,
165
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:14,400
what are they? Bobbing.
They're bobbing about.
166
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:18,600
If it was, like, Rom and Rob
versus Olympic sports
167
00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:20,760
they absolutely
should never, ever have a go at
168
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,840
in a million fucking years, then
this would be absolutely up there.
169
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:26,760
This would be in the yes column.
For some reason,
170
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,160
I cannot understand why,
171
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,600
we put this in the yes column
of things to have a go at.
172
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,520
Why did we think we could do this?
173
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:37,160
(BOTH LAUGH)
What were we thinking?
174
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,480
'Even if we didn't drown,
175
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,640
the icy water
would freeze us to death.'
176
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:44,760
By the way,
-I checked the temperature.
-Yeah?
177
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,080
It's minus-3.
Is that what's putting you off?
178
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,520
Cos no-one likes playing football
when it's freezing.
179
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:52,240
And this rope's got frost on.
I have never in my life
180
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:55,840
seen a rope with frost on.(LAUGHS)
If you saw a rope with frost on,
181
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,200
you'd cancel the tug of war,
never mind canoeing.
182
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,960
I didn't know ropes could frost.
It looks dangerous.
183
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,960
Never mind the temperature.
184
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,320
OK, let me just
tell you something now.
185
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:08,520
-I'm out.
-I can't do this on my own.
I don't give a shit what you do.
186
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:11,960
-Is there a cafe?
-Yeah.
I'll watch you from there.
187
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,960
'With Romesh wimping out at
the very first sport on our list...'
188
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,120
-Hello.
-Hiya.
Hello.
189
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,360
'..my only hope
was that Kimberley and Mallory
190
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:23,080
could help convince him
to stick around.'
191
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,440
To try and build
Romesh's confidence up,
192
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,240
what is it you need to be
a top-level kayaker or canoeist?
193
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:30,560
Well, I think just
a want to have fun.
194
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,160
Yeah! Well, that's him out.
(BOTH LAUGH)
195
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,520
I can't think of the last time
I wanted to do that.
196
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:38,080
A want to have fun.
All right, let's forget about that.
197
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,840
We both started when we were
-really young.
-OK, that's gone.
198
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,840
-He's 47.
-That's gone.
All my best days are behind me
199
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:45,800
and I'm just waiting to die now.
But go on.
200
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:49,880
But, yeah, to be at the top level,
we do a lot of upper-body work
201
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:53,480
and just trying to get strong.
-He's got big shoulders.
-And core.
202
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,840
-Core did you say?
-What's key? Core
-and upper body?
-Yeah, basically.
203
00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:59,720
-OK.
-What if you've just got upper
body but you've not felt your core
204
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,600
-for 15 years?
-That's all right,
as long as you've got an upper body.
205
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,200
What was happening 15 years ago
with your core?
206
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,840
-I did a sit-up.
-OK.
(ALL LAUGH)
207
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:10,720
Don't worry about being polite,
but just sort of looking at us,
208
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,440
how likely do you think it is that
we're gonna be any good at this?
209
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:17,360
You might get used to it, but you
might be a bit shaky to start with.
210
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,680
Your body will get used to it
and you'll warm up quick.
211
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:23,200
We're getting in the water? No, we're
gonna be in the canoe or kayak.
212
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:26,640
We're not getting in the water, are
-we?
-Well, you're gonna have to be
213
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:28,920
doing some safety briefing stuff,
214
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:32,120
so you'll have to jump in the water
so we know you can swim.
215
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:35,520
So then if we pass that, we get in
the boat soaking wet and go down it?
216
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:37,520
Yep.
Great.
217
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:40,040
Do people ever go into shock
at the temperature of the water?
218
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,240
They look like you look now.
You have to breathe.
219
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,800
You have to breathe?
Take a deep breath,
220
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:48,720
-don't... go into shock.
-Don't go
-into shock?
-Don't go into shock.
221
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:52,320
You need to go into mindfulness and
-breathing. I'm calm now.
-That helps.
222
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:56,640
Yeah. Comparatively speaking.
This is gonna be fun to watch.
223
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:59,160
I don't wanna do this.
(LAUGHS)
224
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:05,800
'Suited up, we were now ready
to hit those rapids.
225
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,240
And if we didn't drown
in the icy water,
226
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,960
we'd be allowed to find out
if canoeing was our sport.'
227
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,760
Right, shall we do this?
Do it, yeah.
228
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:27,120
'Rob and I were on a mission
to find a sport in which
229
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,200
we could represent Team GB.'
230
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,640
It's just all that, innit?
And it's all normally downhill.
231
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:35,080
'We'd picked a shortlist,
starting with the canoe slalom.'
232
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,320
Why did we think we could do this?
233
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,400
'Before we could get into the
boats...'Don't go into shock.
234
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:44,200
Don't go into shock? '..we had to
take a dip in the sub-zero rapids
235
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:47,080
to see if we could pass
the cold water swim test.'
236
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,880
Go, Romesh!
I can't do this.
237
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,400
One big leap of faith.
Come on!
238
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,920
(LAUGHS)
239
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,240
(SCREAMS)
240
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:05,920
(LAUGHS)
241
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,400
OK, swim towards me.
Yes, Romesh!
242
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,360
Keep swimming!
Yes!
243
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:17,400
(SCREAMS)
244
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,640
(LAUGHS)
245
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:23,400
Well done.
Oh, my God!(LAUGHS)
246
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,760
(PANTS AND WHIMPERS)
247
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:30,880
(LAUGHS) Are you all right?
Are you OK? Are you OK?
248
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,880
Hang on, let me get you out of the
way from the steps. Give me your arm.
249
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,680
(LAUGHS)
250
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:47,080
I was sort of thinking
how sweet it would be
251
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,640
to have the swim test done
and then be able to watch Rob do it.
252
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:52,120
That was kind of my strategy.
Get straight in,
253
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:56,040
get it done, and then enjoy
Rob Beckett doing the swim test.
254
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:59,440
Right, little thing.
Just a little thing I wanna say.
255
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:02,840
(LAUGHS)
I've heard a lot of people
talking about
256
00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:05,880
how it's all right after
a few seconds. Complete bullshit.
257
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,800
It is horrible the whole way.
258
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:12,000
You don't get used to it.
If anything, it gets worse.
259
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:14,560
So I just wanna be
absolutely crystal clear,
260
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:16,440
cos everybody here
has been lying to you.
261
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:19,600
You're such a bastard for going
first! We didn't even discuss it.
262
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:23,440
You just ran off and got to do it
-first.
-It is so cold.
263
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:27,120
-You will warm up now.
-Did he pass
-the test?
-Yes, he passed the test.
264
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:30,440
It's your turn now.
-Right, OK.
-Good luck, mate.
265
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,680
Good luck, Rob!
266
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,720
(LAUGHS)
267
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,920
(LAUGHS)
That's it, go on your back.
268
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:46,080
I got in there and I had what I could
only describe as a full panic attack.
269
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:48,960
(SCREAMS)
270
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,640
Aghh! Aghh!
271
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,640
Rob's jaws...
272
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,200
Do you know in Aliens when
one of them is about to attack
273
00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,960
and the jaws come out?
That's what he looks like.
274
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,880
It's like his mandibles are
detaching from his head. Incredible.
275
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,600
Aghh! Aghh! Aghh!
276
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,240
(LAUGHS)
277
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,240
(SCREAMS)
278
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,400
I'm not doing that!
279
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,720
I respect Rob. I think he's one of
the best comedians in the country.
280
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,800
I don't think he will write a tour
281
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:24,400
as funny as him slipping into
the water in his career.
282
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,640
Aghh! Aghh!
283
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,200
Breathe.
284
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,400
You passed, though.
-You passed, yeah.
-You did great.
285
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,640
'Well, we'd shown them we could
scream, but could we paddle?'
286
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:46,440
Oi, slow down, will you? Look at him!
Come on!
287
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,480
'Before we were let loose
on the rapids...'
288
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:51,000
Oh, fucking hell, Rob!
289
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:54,160
'..we had to learn how to steer
our boats on still water.'
290
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,920
Try and stay in this area here.
Yeah, don't go that way.
291
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:01,280
Don't go that way?
The white water's that way.
292
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,640
You're not ready for that bit yet.
-He's gone!
-Keep paddling.
293
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,120
Oh, God!
(LAUGHS)
294
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:10,040
He's gone! (LAUGHS)
295
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:12,440
Try and paddle out
towards the wall up there.
296
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:15,720
I'm not gonna make it.
I'll go and get him.
297
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:18,800
It's like a vortex or something.
I'll get you.
298
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:21,000
Oh, no, it's got me!
299
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:28,720
You'll have to save yourself, mate.
Rob!
300
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:32,440
I tell you what,
it is lively in that corner.
301
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,280
Rob!
(LAUGHS)
302
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,280
Where's he gone?
This is supposed to be the safe bit.
303
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,560
It's dangerous that way
and it's dangerous that way.
304
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,000
Stop shouting at our coaches.
Oh, my God.
305
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,480
How do you like it?
Fun, innit? Banter. Banter.
306
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:54,280
-That's it, you little prick.
-Guys,
you're going into the danger zone!
307
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:57,400
We're going... Rob!
We're going in the danger zone!
308
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,120
Agh!
309
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,400
Agh, this current's a bastard!
310
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,640
'Despite showing zero aptitude
for still-water canoeing...'
311
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,440
All right, guys,
you're gonna go down the rapids.
312
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:12,720
'..it came as a complete shock
that we got the OK
313
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:15,480
to attempt
our first white-water run.'
314
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:21,080
Any advice for this?
Er, stay upright, keep paddling.
315
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:23,080
Just keep paddling and lean forwards
316
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:26,200
and try and keep pointing forwards
-down the course.
-And lean forwards?
317
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:29,000
-Yeah.
-I don't know if I've
heard the instructions properly.
318
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:33,240
(LAUGHS)
They're very simple.
Keep paddling, point forwards.
319
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,120
This feels like
a lot of instructions
320
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:39,560
you should've delivered to us a long
-time ago.
-Keep paddling downstream.
321
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:43,080
We were told, "Kimberley and Mallory
are gonna instruct you
322
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:46,120
on how to do canoeing today."
And I think Kimberley and Mallory
323
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:50,040
were told, "Do you fancy watching
two twats go down the rapids?"
324
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:54,440
Because they did not give us any
information at all that was useful
325
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,600
for going down those.
Let's go.
326
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,240
-All right.
-Just keep paddling.
I'll follow you down.
327
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,720
Keep paddling, keep paddling,
-keep paddling!
-Fucking hell!
328
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:07,800
Left, right, that's it.
Jesus! Oh, God!
329
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:12,120
That's it, keep paddling!
330
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,360
Fuck! Fucking hell!
331
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,440
Fuck! Oh, God! No! No!
332
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:20,720
This shouldn't happen, should it?
Paddle forwards one side,
333
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:22,880
back the other.
Oh, God, no!
334
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,040
Nice!
335
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,640
This is not gonna go well.
Oh, fuck!
336
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:30,920
Agh!
That's it, keep paddling.
337
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,600
Aghh! Shit!
338
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,360
Oh, easy!
339
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,960
-Where is he?
-Yes!
He's made it to the end.
340
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,920
Yes, Rom! (LAUGHS)
Yeah!
341
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,760
Whoo!
Yes, Romesh!
342
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,320
Romesh, come over here.
Paddle towards me.
343
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:52,080
Romesh! Romesh!
344
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:54,200
We should not have done that.
345
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,200
(LAUGHS)
346
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,880
Well, well done for getting
from start to finish.
347
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:02,000
-Oh, thank you.
-Without falling in.
-Yeah!
-That is a good achievement.
348
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,280
You should give yourself
a pat on the back for that.
349
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:07,480
I would do if I had the mobility.
Oh, I hate this.(BOTH LAUGH)
350
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:10,920
You're gonna love it even more now
because we're gonna do some gates.
351
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,560
What does that mean?
Well, this is what we do.
352
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,200
-What do you think it means?
-What?
What do you think gates means?
353
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,320
I just wanna double-check
what they mean by gates.
354
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:22,400
I'm gonna hazard a guess it means
going through little gateways.
355
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,880
Yeah, so there'll be poles hanging
-down from lines above you.
-OK.
356
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,600
So that's good to know.
What I thought was,
357
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,120
with the way these girls
have left us so under-prepared,
358
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,120
it might be gates you have to unlock
and get through.(ALL LAUGH)
359
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,320
You just don't know with these two.
-Are we up for the challenge?
-Yes.
360
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,640
-Cool.Good.
-Let's do it.
I'll be honest with you,
361
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,840
I couldn't be less up for this.
362
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:46,240
'If Romesh wanted to go home,
he was out of luck.'Oh, God.
363
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,160
'We were about to race each other...'
Go, go, go, go!
364
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:52,480
'..on 300 metres
of raging white water.
365
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:01,880
It was every man for himself.'
366
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:04,360
Romesh! Rom...
367
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,800
Romesh! Oh, it's going!
368
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:10,520
Romesh!
No, Rob!
369
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,920
Oh, no, he's in, he's in!
370
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,800
You prick!
(LAUGHS)
371
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,520
You prick!
372
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,480
Agh!
373
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,160
Oh, God.
374
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,360
You all right?
375
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:34,560
I'd say you were sabotaged there.
Where is that prick?
376
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:37,760
Come on,
you're going down the gates!
377
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,600
That's it!
Agh!
378
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,960
That's all right! You got that one!
379
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,480
Beckett! Oi!
380
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:52,160
I'm going for it!
Go! Nice!
381
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,760
Oh, my God, I'm absolutely fucked.
382
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,040
Here, do you want us to pull you in?
Yeah.
383
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,280
Oh, my God.
-Do you need a hand?
-Oh.
384
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,720
No! Romesh! No!
385
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,920
-Oh, shit!
-Oh, no!
Oh, shit!
386
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,040
Agh!
387
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,200
Get the boat! Get the boat, mate!
388
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,520
Get the fuck away from me.
389
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,840
Fuck! No! Agh!
390
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,480
'Our first attempt to become
Olympians had not gone well.
391
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:36,600
But that wasn't our coach's fault.
It was Rob Beckett's.'
392
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:39,440
I only pushed you in cos you pushed
me in. I did nothing wrong there.
393
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:43,360
What are you talking about?
How... What are you talking about?
394
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,720
I did nothing wrong!
Mate, you sabotaged me on that.
395
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:51,680
-How?
-Girls... That wasn't.
You didn't get out of my way.
396
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:56,440
How could I? Mate, it's my second
time on the rapids in my life.
397
00:21:56,480 --> 00:22:00,280
Rom, how could I...You're a piece of
-shit.
-What else could I have done?
398
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:04,640
Yeah, sure, could I have gone to
the side or, you know, slowed? Yes.
399
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,400
Did I put the paddle in
and increase speed? Yes.
400
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,840
Why? Cos I did want him to go in.
401
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:12,640
But I would say
he set himself up for it.
402
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,800
There was a lot for you
to sort of digest there.
403
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,720
What do you think about me and Romesh
as potential kayakers?
404
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:21,800
I think you've got potential.
-Everyone's got potential.
-OK.
405
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:24,040
I used to be a teacher,
and when a kid was shit,
406
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:25,880
I'd say "Everyone's got potential."
407
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:27,920
We shouldn't have come here today.
408
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:31,160
And I know that, Rob knows that,
you all know that,
409
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:35,120
Kimberley and Mallory knew that as
soon as we turned up to say hello.
410
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:39,120
No, the truth is, it was, actually,
all messing around aside,
411
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:43,280
it was fun. It's just it's far
too cold for it to be acceptable.
412
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:46,720
-That's the truth of it.
-Look, the
truth is it's a fun hobby for us,
413
00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:50,160
but we have not got any of
the skill set to get to your level,
414
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,680
let's be honest. Is that right? Yeah.
415
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:57,360
-Yeah.
-And we are absolutely in awe
of what you guys do.
416
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,120
We thought it was difficult at the
-beginning.
-This is the beginners.
417
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,080
What you was doing over there
is outrageous.
418
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:05,280
It was misplaced confidence when I
said the boat does most of the work.
419
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:08,720
Cos the person does. Let's focus on
the athlete. What are we? Fat blokes.
420
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,080
What should we do? Fat bloke sports.
421
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:25,040
'Rom and I are finding out
if we have what it takes
422
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:28,600
to join Team GB.'
Oh, this current's a bastard!
423
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:31,520
'Canoeing had been a disaster.'
Rob, no!
424
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:36,280
'So it was back to the shortlist
and next up was weightlifting.'
425
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:38,840
Big lift here.
(CHEERING)
426
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,520
'For that,
we'd have to venture into a place
427
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:45,320
we'd spent our whole lives avoiding.
The gym.'
428
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:48,280
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
429
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,120
It's like prison.
430
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:58,440
I don't like it in here.
I hate it in here.
431
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,920
We're wandering in
with our little soft bellies.
432
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:03,040
They've got bellies
but they're power bellies
433
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:08,080
-Rob, where you going?
-Well,
we can't just linger at the door.
434
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:11,200
I don't like it in there.
It's all very alpha. It's a gym.
435
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,920
It stinks of testosterone
and divorce. They all look like
436
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:17,000
they've had a fight outside a pub
and we're their next victims.
437
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,280
I'm at the top. What happens now?
438
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:22,920
I've just pressed go.
Ooh. Hello.
439
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,920
-Oh, do you have to keep going?
-No,
just take one step and then relax.
440
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:31,480
It all starts with one step. Cool.
I feel better. What do we do now?
441
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:33,920
-Ohhh.
-Is there another machine
to have a go on?
442
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,400
I don't like gyms, Romesh.
I think this was a bad idea.
443
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:42,680
It's like I've come to the place
444
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:45,560
where all the people that really
bullied me at school thrive.
445
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:47,760
Oh, come on, guys.
I'm riffing here.
446
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,760
That's exactly the sort of shit
I hate.
447
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:52,800
You know the dropping the metal?
448
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,920
This is like the mothership
of the bigger boys.
449
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:57,240
All the big, strong, bully boys.
450
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,920
I'm surprised they've not come over
already to tell us to get out.
451
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:01,960
That's the thing.
If you've got no banter,
452
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:05,680
you just lift a weight really heavy
then drop it.(LAUGHS)
453
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:08,040
Right, shall we go give it a go?
Yeah, mate.
454
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:12,520
-After you.
-Push! Up!
Up. Push. Lift.
455
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:15,120
They'll watch this and beat
-the shit out of us.
-I won't be here.
456
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:20,160
'Our coaches weren't bully boys,
they were Sarah Davies,
457
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:22,280
Commonwealth Games silver medallist
458
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:26,240
and the first Brit to win the
European Under-23 Championships,
459
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:30,200
and Emily Campbell,
Commonwealth Games bronze medallist
460
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:32,040
and former British Champion.
461
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,600
They're both in form and hoping
to bring home a medal from Tokyo.'
462
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,360
-Hello.Hi!Hi.
-Hiya.
We're a bit nervous.
463
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,840
-Are you?
-Yeah.
You should be. (LAUGHS)
464
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,160
We're not very good physically.
That's all right.
465
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,960
Mentally we struggle, as well,
-to be fair.
-We'll take care of you.
466
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,800
So good stretch, good warm-up,
then we get down to business.
467
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:54,400
-OK.OK.
-So we'll start off,
it's called cat camel.
468
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:57,720
So you're gonna arch your back
-like a cat.OK, cat camel.
-Yeah.
469
00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:00,800
Feels more like prison submission.
And then push into a camel,
470
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:04,040
so push your bum up into the air.
That's like presenting.
471
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,520
-Yeah.
-You gotta be spayed
before you do this.
472
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:10,040
Hey, that's quite good, Rob.
If I let you do this,
473
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:12,000
will you look after me in prison?
474
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:15,720
(LAUGHS)
-I'm on my own!
-And then
you're gonna snap your hips through.
475
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:19,000
Feel that butt tight.
-Oh, wow!
-Huh? Was that good?
476
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:21,200
-Yep.
-There you go!
(ALL CHEER)
477
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:24,960
(LAUGHS) You've got a real
pigeon energy. (ALL LAUGH)
478
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,480
Cat. Pigeon!
479
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:29,080
(ALL LAUGH)
480
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:33,920
'We'd played at being animals,
but Sarah was the true beast.'
481
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,160
That is...
482
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:47,520
That was unbelievable.
(LAUGHS) Thanks.
483
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,960
Can I...Pick it up.
-Can I do that?
-Go on, then.
484
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:51,560
Yeah, I'll do it. No problem.
485
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:56,680
-Oh, fuck that.
-Really?
(ALL LAUGH)
486
00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:59,040
Go on, Rob.
(LAUGHS)
487
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:04,680
Are you...
(LAUGHS)
488
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:07,920
Fuck off!
(LAUGHS)
489
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,640
Will I hurt your feelings if I tell
you that's a warm-up weight?
490
00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:13,640
It's a warm-up weight?
Yeah.
491
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,400
(BOTH GROAN)
492
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:18,320
(LAUGHS) That is the best thing!
493
00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:20,600
(ALL LAUGH)
You are amazing!
494
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,760
-That's unbelievable.
-OK, so we're
not starting with that weight.
495
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:27,760
-No.
-Are we starting with nothing?
You're starting with the baby bar.
496
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:31,280
-Cool.
-OK, you could've left out
the name, couldn't you?
497
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:35,000
It's a kid's technique bar.
Is that what it is?
498
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:38,120
I've actually brought it in myself.
I use that as a toothpick.(LAUGHS)
499
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,400
'It was time to get to work
on the kid's bar.'
500
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,760
Strap in the banter.
You look like a tornado.
501
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:48,720
So pop your bar down...
You go from so wide to thin!
502
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:50,720
I just can't believe
how small your waist is.
503
00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:53,200
You've got the waist of a sort of,
like, period drama woman.
504
00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:57,800
I'm wearing a corset.(LAUGHS)
-All right?
-Basically.
505
00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:01,800
I've got about five to six kilos
of constrained muffin under here.
506
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:05,600
-All right.OK.
-Get your elbows
-through and then squat down.
-Eeee!
507
00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,840
-That's it.
-Good.
That's it. That's the stuff.
508
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:12,160
I don't like doing it facing you.
No, listen...
509
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:16,520
-Does anyone do this at the gym?
-Rob,
maintain eye contact the whole way.
510
00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:18,800
Ready? Three, two, one, go.
511
00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:20,960
I didn't like it
-when it got to the bottom.
-No.
512
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:25,360
It was fine until my bum hole opened.
(LAUGHS)
513
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:28,680
It's not going well. Even doing it
with nothing on the bar,
514
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:30,720
I'm doing wrong.
515
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:33,520
It's like PTSD from PE.
516
00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:37,840
Is it important that we can't really
do it properly without weights on?
517
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:42,120
Erm... Is that a problem? Cos it's
-gonna get harder, isn't it?
-Yes.
518
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:45,960
'And it did. 10 kilograms harder.'
519
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,840
There we go. Stick that on.
(LAUGHS)
520
00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:50,880
'The weight of a car tyre.'
521
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:55,200
So, start position.
-Yeah.
522
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:58,200
-Pigeon.
-Yeah, there we go.
And then you're gonna go...
523
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:04,160
(LAUGHS)
Yep.
Pigeon, camel, hospital.
524
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,160
Yes. That order.
-All right.
-OK.
525
00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:09,320
My problem is, if I'm not instantly
good at something, I give it nothing.
526
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:11,880
Yeah. But you carried on
with comedy, though.
527
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:15,280
(ALL LAUGH)
528
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:19,120
'Rob couldn't even lift his own
morale.'Tornado body's in town.
529
00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:21,880
'So it was down to me
to start the iron pumping.'
530
00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:25,040
Tornado! (GROWLS)
(ALL LAUGH)
531
00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:26,960
♪ Gladiators
532
00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:29,120
Tornado, are you ready?
533
00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:31,800
♪ Time for the Tornado
He's not sure on the technique
534
00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:34,280
♪ He's probably gonna hurt himself
Tornado ♪
535
00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:35,800
(LAUGHS)
536
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:39,600
So we do this.
-Yep.
-Do that.
537
00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:41,440
Put it up.
538
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:43,400
-Nice!
-Good!
There you go!
539
00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:49,280
Shit!
It's the face that goes with it.
540
00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:51,200
How was that?
Good. Good job.
541
00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:55,040
A little whirlwind up in your face.
All right, I can't do that.
542
00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:58,440
'The Tornado had triumphed,
but was Rob a contender?'
543
00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:07,680
I hate it.
544
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:12,320
I feel like it's gonna fall on me
and the only end goal is more weight,
545
00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:15,480
which, for me, is worse.
It's so funny
546
00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:18,560
because at the beginning of this,
we were like, "This is difficult.
547
00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:21,280
We're outside our comfort zone
and we're gonna give it a go."
548
00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:23,240
Cut to 20 minutes of doing this,
549
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:25,480
"I hate this!
I hate everything about it!
550
00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:27,720
Fair play to you."
Toys out of the pram.
551
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:29,800
"I don't wanna do it.
There's things I'm good at
552
00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:32,480
and this is not one of them.
All right? Thank you very much."
553
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:34,840
(LAUGHS)
554
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:38,640
It was all I could do
not to celebrate.
555
00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:41,320
Right, where do we go from here?
I dunno. What is the next stage?
556
00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:43,520
-Heavier?
-More weight.
-More weight.
-Yeah.
557
00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:46,800
Then you think, "Do you know what?
I wasn't intending on adding weight,
558
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:49,040
but if means that he has to
go through it, as well,
559
00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:51,360
I think it might be worth risking
a spinal injury."
560
00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:54,440
Are these actually the next level
ones or is this just banter?
561
00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,080
No, they're actually...
It's weight, isn't it?
562
00:30:57,120 --> 00:31:00,440
It was essentially like they'd
drilled a hole into a digestive
563
00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:04,200
and stuck it on the end.
It was truly, truly pathetic.
564
00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:08,400
'Digestives loaded, we were ready
for our final attempt.'
565
00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:12,040
OK, let's go.'Biscuits
have never defeated me before
566
00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:14,600
and I wasn't gonna let them
beat me now.'
567
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:17,960
There you go. Is that good technique?
Now down.
568
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:22,840
Good.'But the question was
had my efforts psyched out Beckett?'
569
00:31:27,920 --> 00:31:31,640
(ALL LAUGH)
Happy with that.
570
00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:38,320
'I'd done it.'Wow.'But I was about
to crash from my endorphin high.'
571
00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:41,880
I'm out. But, you know,
that's the whole point of this.
572
00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:44,600
We're learning.
I haven't found my sport,
573
00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:46,800
but I've definitely found one
-that's not mine.
-Yeah.
574
00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:50,320
I need to apologise for thinking
weightlifting might be easy.
575
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:52,360
It's one of the hardest things
I've ever done.
576
00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:55,360
For beginners, the fact that you've
never picked up a barbell before,
577
00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:58,720
-you did very well.Yeah.
-I mean,
-that's generous.
-That's very kind,
578
00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:01,400
but we were particularly shit,
-weren't we?
-No, I don't think so.
579
00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:05,680
-Oh, OK.
-I wouldn't say it's your
-calling in Olympic sports.
-OK.
580
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:08,680
But it was good for a whirlwind
tour, tornado tour.
581
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:11,360
Yeah.
Yeah. Tornado tour of weightlifting.
582
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:13,920
At least the nickname sticks.
Put your legs together.
583
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:16,320
The human tornado.
OK, well, see you later.
584
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:20,240
Yeah. Off he goes.
He's tornadoing out of here.
585
00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:34,080
'Rob and I are aiming at Olympic
glory with Team GB.' Come on!
586
00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:37,200
'So far, we've been out of our depth
at canoe slalom...'
587
00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:40,000
No, Rob!
(LAUGHS)
588
00:32:40,040 --> 00:32:42,880
'..and proved to be total wimps
at weightlifting.
589
00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:46,320
So today, we're gonna try our luck
on the hockey field.'
590
00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:50,560
I don't wanna be negative,
but we're not doing very well.
591
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,000
No, we're not.
We're doing terribly, actually.
592
00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:55,120
But today could be our day.
593
00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:57,800
We're specialising within hockey.
Goalkeeping.
594
00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:00,240
Don't let the ball go in the net.
-That's the main vibe.
-Yeah.
595
00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:03,560
Have you ever played in goal
in football?
596
00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:06,240
Yeah, course I did. Look at me.
597
00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:08,920
You've got good wingspan.
Terrible reactions.
598
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:11,880
-Just leave your arms out.
-What,
just stand there with the arms out
599
00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:14,720
-the whole time?
-Yeah,
-like a scarecrow.
-Not a bad idea.
600
00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:17,680
You don't have to get your arm there.
That's not a bad idea.
601
00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:22,200
I'm a bit of a greedy footballer.
-Yeah, I can imagine that.
-Yeah.
602
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:25,080
Little goal-hanging hogger.
Yeah, little goal hog.
603
00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:28,200
You little goal pig, you.
(SNORTS)
604
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:31,600
Snuffling out the old net.
(LAUGHS)
Absolute goal pig.
605
00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:34,760
'We were headed for
the National Sports Centre
606
00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:38,760
in Bisham Abbey, Berkshire,
hockey HQ.
607
00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:42,960
Team GB's women reached the final
at Rio in 2016,
608
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:46,440
where they took the Netherlands
to a dramatic penalty shoot-out...'
609
00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:48,360
Hollie Webb. Scores!
610
00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:50,240
'..winning Olympic gold.'
611
00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:54,160
The Olympic champions for the first
time ever, Great Britain.
612
00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:57,120
'We were honoured to be training
with these sporting legends.
613
00:33:57,160 --> 00:34:00,040
But as we arrived at the ground...'
Thank you.
614
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:04,040
'..our enthusiasm took a 100mph hit.'
615
00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:06,160
(GASPS)
Ooh.
616
00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:08,080
I'm gonna tell you something now,
I'm out.
617
00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:12,040
What I would say, Rom,
we're quite chunky lads,
618
00:34:12,080 --> 00:34:14,560
we will fill the goal.
We could be quite effective.
619
00:34:14,600 --> 00:34:17,360
What you're essentially saying is
the ball is more likely to hit us.
620
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:19,520
I don't know if you can hear
any of the noises.
621
00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:21,240
You know those sounds like thunder?
622
00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:26,440
-Yeah.
-That's the ball
making contact with stuff.
623
00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:28,720
(GASPS)
It is so loud.
624
00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:30,800
I can't imagine Romesh
being good at this.
625
00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:33,680
You know, he may surprise me,
but I wouldn't look at Romesh and go,
626
00:34:33,720 --> 00:34:36,400
"I bet he's got reflexes."
The speed of a mongoose?
627
00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:38,320
"I tell you who's quick."
"Who?" "Romesh."
628
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:40,560
I was put in goal, actually,
at school
629
00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:43,960
when I was about eight or nine
and the teacher told me that
630
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:46,400
it's probably best for my own safety
to not do that any more.
631
00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:47,640
Ohh!
632
00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:51,840
'Keeping us alive were Team GB
shot-stoppers Amy Tennant,
633
00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:54,800
a member of England's 2018
World Cup squad
634
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:56,960
and a Commonwealth bronze winner,
635
00:34:57,000 --> 00:35:00,760
and Maddie Hinch, who saved
four penalties in the Rio final
636
00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:03,080
and won Olympic gold.'
637
00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:08,120
What makes a good goalkeeper?
Brave.
638
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:11,800
-Brave.OK.
-OK, we're out.
-Athletic.
-We're out.
639
00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:13,840
And really good eyes.
OK.
640
00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:18,400
Really good eyes? (LAUGHS)
I really
could not be worse suited to this.
641
00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:20,720
OK, shall we get dressed?
Yeah, let's get some gear on.
642
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:25,360
I'm gonna be checking the gear,
make sure we're fully padded,
643
00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:27,400
gonna be checking the padding.
Here we go.
644
00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:29,720
I'd like to tell you that
I'm gonna do it in a mature way,
645
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:32,520
but I'm probably just gonna hit Rob
in the dick with a hockey stick.
646
00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:35,600
This feels a bit like
a sort of low-budget Gladiators.
647
00:35:35,640 --> 00:35:37,720
No!
No, I wouldn't do that.
648
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:41,360
Just give it a little tap.
You can jab it first.
649
00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:44,440
(GASPS) Rom!
You moved out the way!
650
00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:47,240
This is new!
I'm not confident in it yet! Gently.
651
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:51,680
Oh! Enough. No, I don't wanna
do that any more.(LAUGHS)
652
00:35:51,720 --> 00:35:54,000
Damn, he thick!
You thick, boy!
653
00:35:54,040 --> 00:35:56,120
That's a thick-ass boy!
654
00:35:56,160 --> 00:35:58,480
(BOTH LAUGH)
Look at that!
655
00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:02,600
He looks like an alcoholic Disney
character getting ready for work.
656
00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:07,560
'After about half an hour...
we'd got our kit on.'Yes.
657
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:09,680
Shall we go and hit
some hockey balls?'We look like
658
00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:13,040
we're about to defuse a bomb.
Ironically, that might have been
659
00:36:13,080 --> 00:36:15,360
safer than being shot at by Maddie.'
660
00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:18,200
First off, it's quick fire, OK?
So they'll all come at your head.
661
00:36:18,240 --> 00:36:22,360
-OK, sorry, sorry.
-Quick fire.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
662
00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:24,920
Ready?
OK.
663
00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:28,360
Fucking hell! Fucking hell!
(LAUGHS)
664
00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:32,560
Ooh!
(LAUGHS)
665
00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:35,440
'To make sure we were
comprehensively injured,
666
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:39,320
our world-class coaches
decided to automate the violence
667
00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:42,200
with a shooting machine.'
I actually feel quite scared.
668
00:36:43,240 --> 00:36:44,680
Ooh!
669
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:47,840
Fricking Nora!
670
00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:52,320
It's just one of those days for you.
You saved it. Good on ya.
671
00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:54,120
Go.
672
00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:55,280
Ooh!
673
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:58,640
(LAUGHS)
674
00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:01,480
Ooh!
675
00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:03,800
(LAUGHS)
676
00:37:06,320 --> 00:37:09,800
-Ohh!
-We're just having a fun laugh.
Yeah.
677
00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:12,280
You kept it out.
I didn't, mate, it went right in.
678
00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:15,960
-Did it hurt?
-Official announcement.
That's gonna bruise.
679
00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:19,440
'I'd survived,
even if my future sex life hadn't.
680
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:22,280
But Rob had a death wish.'
-Let's do this.
-Come on, Beckles.
681
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:25,560
Do you ever wish you were better at
hockey so you could play outfield?
682
00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:29,080
Are you trying to make me angry?
(LAUGHS)
683
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:31,080
Rob pissed off Maddie. He said,
684
00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:34,040
"Are you a goalie cos you're not
good enough to be an outfielder?"
685
00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:37,760
And some of the other girls
sort of booed like it was...
686
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:41,120
It's like a really shit 8 Mile.
And then Maddie got aggravated
687
00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:43,880
and I saw her just flick
the speed up on the machine.
688
00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:47,360
I could've warned Rob, but why would
-you?
-I was only joking, Maddie.
689
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:48,920
Go.
690
00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:51,120
(LAUGHS)
691
00:37:51,160 --> 00:37:53,560
No, come on! This is bullying!
692
00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:55,960
Five hockey balls moving faster
693
00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:58,600
than I've ever seen anything move,
headed towards Rob's face.
694
00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:00,920
And I've gotta tell you,
I enjoyed every second.
695
00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:04,960
That's not real.
That's not a real drill.(LAUGHS)
696
00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:08,840
'It was my final face-off
with the machine from hell
697
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:11,600
and I was determined
to dodge the ball at all costs.'
698
00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:13,240
Go!
699
00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:17,200
(LAUGHS)
700
00:38:18,720 --> 00:38:21,240
Why is everything going in his face?
701
00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:29,200
'Let's face it,
using a machine to fire 70mph balls
702
00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:32,360
at a bloke with a lazy eye
was never gonna end well.
703
00:38:32,400 --> 00:38:34,640
But I didn't think it would end
quite like this.'
704
00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:41,560
(LAUGHS) I tell you what, though,
Rom, you kept it out!
705
00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:45,760
I've been smashed in the dick once
and in the face twice.
706
00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:48,200
But what I would say is, actually...
707
00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:52,040
..it was quite good
for that to happen,
708
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:55,440
because I've discovered that
this equipment is incredible.
709
00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:59,080
Oh, yes! Yes!
710
00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:01,040
You cannot be hurt in this stuff.
711
00:39:01,080 --> 00:39:03,440
It is unbelievable.
It feels incredible.
712
00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:05,080
OK.
713
00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:07,400
Yes!
714
00:39:07,440 --> 00:39:09,560
You are good at this, Rom.
Here he goes.
715
00:39:09,600 --> 00:39:12,640
You sort of lose the fear.
You're just like, "Yes. More."
716
00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:13,800
OK.
717
00:39:14,720 --> 00:39:16,480
Yes! Yes!
718
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:19,360
(ALL CHEER)
719
00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:22,880
Whoo!
Yes, Romesh!
720
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:26,560
I might start going into a pub
and shit-talking someone.
721
00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:28,400
What you gonna do,
kick me in the dick?
722
00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:30,680
Doesn't matter, mate.
My dick's bulletproof.
723
00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:33,840
'With training complete,
it was time to get serious,
724
00:39:33,880 --> 00:39:36,120
a five-a-side game with us in goal.
725
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:38,320
Romesh had pulled it off in practice,
726
00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:42,160
but could he do it on a cold morning
in Berkshire? It was game time.'
727
00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:45,080
Let's go, Team Red!
Let's go, Reds!
728
00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:46,840
Here we go.
729
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:50,120
Oh, lovely ball! Keep going!
730
00:39:50,160 --> 00:39:52,400
That's it! Attack him!
731
00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:54,120
Ohh!
732
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:56,400
Oh-ho! Right in the chest!
733
00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:58,720
Get on your line, Romesh!
734
00:39:58,760 --> 00:40:00,840
Oh, no! They're coming at me!
735
00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:08,240
Aghh! I turned. I turned.
736
00:40:14,040 --> 00:40:16,680
'I'd saved the ball,
but could I get up again?'
737
00:40:18,720 --> 00:40:21,520
Yes! Yes! Come on!
Don't turn your back, remember, Rob.
738
00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:24,000
-Murder him!
-Hands up.
Come on!
739
00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:26,320
-Ooh!
-Yes!
Oh, shit.
740
00:40:26,360 --> 00:40:30,320
Whoo! 'Rob was rubbish,
and in true Beckett style,
741
00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:32,600
he started blaming everyone
but himself.'
742
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:37,200
I can't take the whole team on my
own, yeah? Sure it up in the middle!
743
00:40:37,240 --> 00:40:39,720
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
'It was half-time
744
00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:41,920
and my troops needed
the hairdryer treatment.'
745
00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:44,520
All I'm saying is you can't leave me
that exposed at the back.
746
00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:47,680
If we just play as a team and just
work it from the back forwards.
747
00:40:47,720 --> 00:40:49,760
I can only save us so many times.
748
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:53,400
True, I've not touched the ball yet.
749
00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:55,760
It's always good
to just hit it at Rob.
750
00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:58,120
Go for the teeth,
use them as a sighting target.
751
00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:01,200
On three. One, two, three, go, Reds!
752
00:41:01,240 --> 00:41:04,360
OK, I should've been clearer
on what the chant was. OK.
753
00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:07,280
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Here we go.
754
00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:09,240
Oh, no!
Yes!
755
00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:12,040
Right in his face!
What's that? That's not allowed!
756
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:14,400
Hands up. Yeah!
757
00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:17,840
-Ohh.
-Right, hang on,
you can't do keepy-ups!
758
00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:22,920
Oh, yes!
759
00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:26,440
That's how we do! That's how we do!
760
00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:28,680
Let me get up. Let me get up.
761
00:41:28,720 --> 00:41:32,040
Blues, this is getting a bit
embarrassing. Put one past him.
762
00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:34,880
What kind of amateurs
have you given me here?
763
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:37,400
Oh, my God!
(LAUGHS)
764
00:41:44,360 --> 00:41:47,320
(LAUGHS)
He's an animal!
765
00:41:47,360 --> 00:41:50,560
Five shots today.
That's it, that's it, that's it.
766
00:41:51,640 --> 00:41:54,080
Right down his throat! Yes!
767
00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:56,320
Yeah!
Come on!
768
00:41:56,360 --> 00:42:01,480
-Every single shot's gone in.
-Come on,
Reds! That's... how... we... do!
769
00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:04,240
Sorry, everyone.
Look at him apologising. Prick.
770
00:42:06,080 --> 00:42:08,240
'The final whistle was approaching.
771
00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:10,960
Rob still hadn't made a save.
772
00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:15,400
And as his team conceded a penalty
corner...'(WHISTLE BLOWS)
773
00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:19,040
Penalty?'..he had one last tiny shot
at redemption.'
774
00:42:19,080 --> 00:42:21,760
I'm in your head rent-free.
You've got no chance.
775
00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:24,640
Standing there with your two mates,
pretending who's gonna take it.
776
00:42:24,680 --> 00:42:27,840
It don't matter who takes it.
I've got it covered.
777
00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:31,120
You're going down. This is gonna be
on YouTube forever. Enjoy!
778
00:42:32,240 --> 00:42:35,800
'Yes, Rob, on YouTube forever.'
Oh, God.
779
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:37,960
Not how I envisioned it.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
780
00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:39,760
Come on!
781
00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:43,200
♪ Homie, it can't be done
782
00:42:43,240 --> 00:42:48,720
Absolutely clinical, wasn't it?
Come on! Yes!
783
00:42:48,760 --> 00:42:51,360
What made my performance
even better, even sweeter,
784
00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:54,880
was that Rob was utterly crap.
And I know I have a go at him
785
00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:57,680
for celebrating when he's good
at something and I'm not,
786
00:42:57,720 --> 00:43:01,520
but now I understand why he behaves
like that. I totally get that.
787
00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:03,920
See you later, losers!
788
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:06,080
If anything, I think
he should've given it to me more
789
00:43:06,120 --> 00:43:08,560
on the times he's been better
than me. Whoo!
790
00:43:08,600 --> 00:43:11,440
It's genuinely the best thing
I've ever seen Romesh do,
791
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:13,200
including comedy.
792
00:43:13,240 --> 00:43:17,080
'That said, I had my doubts
about Captain Clean Sheet.'
793
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,520
He needs to be drug tested.
What?
794
00:43:19,560 --> 00:43:22,200
Anabolic steroids.
How did you do that?
795
00:43:22,240 --> 00:43:24,440
Mate, what can I say?
When you've got it...
796
00:43:24,480 --> 00:43:27,560
I will say I think I got left
a bit vulnerable at the back.
797
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,480
But I did what I could.
Are you blaming your team?
798
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:33,120
-Yes.
-You're not supposed to do that,
-are you?No.
-Do you know what?
799
00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:35,280
-It was my fault.
-Good.
Now I've have a think about it,
800
00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:37,600
I reckon it was my fault.
What I will say, though, is,
801
00:43:37,640 --> 00:43:40,120
humiliation aside,
that is fun, innit?
802
00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:42,440
I really enjoyed that.
That was properly fun.
803
00:43:42,480 --> 00:43:45,080
-Thanks very much.
-Yeah, thank you
so much. You guys are great.
804
00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:47,760
Thanks for coming.
Thank you very much.
805
00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:51,440
You took one right to the dick.
-Yeah.
-How is that feeling?
806
00:43:51,480 --> 00:43:56,600
I would say that now,
if I sent Lisa the aubergine emoji,
807
00:43:56,640 --> 00:43:59,320
it would actually match
the colour of my penis.
808
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:03,360
OK. Little green bit on the end?
-Yeah.
-That must've bruised.
809
00:44:03,400 --> 00:44:05,920
-Good game.
-Yes.
Loving hockey life.
810
00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:09,960
I think we've found your sport.
But there may be something else.
811
00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:13,560
What if we find something else
-we're better at?
-Double Olympian.
812
00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:17,440
'Next time...'
Pull.
813
00:44:17,480 --> 00:44:20,120
(GUNSHOT)
Yes! Come on!
814
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:23,040
'..our sporting adventure
continues...'Aghhh!
815
00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:26,800
'..as the Olympic gods smile down
on us...'I mean, he's good.
816
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:30,680
'..and we carry on our search
for sports we can call our own.'
817
00:44:30,720 --> 00:44:33,520
Agh! Ohhh.
(SNIGGERS)
818
00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:37,040
♪ All I do is win, win, win,
no matter what
819
00:44:37,080 --> 00:44:40,200
♪ Got money on my mind,
I can never get enough
820
00:44:40,240 --> 00:44:42,680
♪ And every time I step up
in the building
821
00:44:42,720 --> 00:44:44,960
♪ Everybody hands go up
822
00:44:46,360 --> 00:44:49,560
♪ And they stay there
And they say yeah
823
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:53,000
♪ And they stay there
Up, down, up, down, up, down
824
00:44:53,040 --> 00:44:56,040
♪ Cos all I do is win, win, win
825
00:44:56,080 --> 00:44:59,200
♪ And if you going in,
put your hands in the air
826
00:44:59,240 --> 00:45:01,040
♪ Make 'em stay there ♪
827
00:45:04,360 --> 00:45:08,360
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