All language subtitles for Rob And Romesh Vs s02e03_English

The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

'Romesh and I are back.'

Hello.
'We're not getting any younger...'

Oh, my God!

'..and there's a lot of stuff out
there we know nothing about.'

I seriously took one for the team!

'In this series,
we're on a journey of discovery.'

Am I into death metal?

'Over the next four episodes,

we'll be delving into the worlds
of basketball, ballet...'

I look like a circus strongman.
'..and cricket...'

Yes, Romesh!
'..to find what we like...'

Come on!
'..and what we don't.'

(BOTH YELLING)

'We might even discover
a hidden talent.'

(YELLS)

'Or we might just end up
humiliating ourselves.'

You booked us into a spa
and they've run tubes up our arse.

'For the final two episodes,
we'll be entering the world
of international cricket.'

'As we travel all the way
to South Africa

to watch England
take on the host nation.

We'll be coming
face to face with our heroes...'

(LAUGHTER)

'..sampling local culture...

..and getting to grips
with a few of the natives.'

So when you're in,
it's nice and warm.

'But the hardest challenge of all

will be to keep Rob focused
on why we're here.'

At what point does this
become a hostage situation?

(LAUGHS)

This place is outrageous, Rom.

Fuck the cricket,
let's just stay here for a bit.

Do you know what I mean?
What do you actually want to do?

Go on a safari,
drink some wine and sit on a beach.

I'll be honest with you,
when they said about the episode,

"We're going to South Africa,"
I went, "Yes!"

I didn't know why we were here till
I saw the Barmy Army on the flight.

"We're going to South Africa -
hunting."

Oh, no!

'So cricket it is, then.

Having arrived in the Rainbow
Nation a few days before the start
of the Second Test,

I'd plenty of time to get
Rob out of holiday mode...'

That's amazing, that city.

'..and focused
on the sport of gentlemen.'

Cape Town, South Africa.

Are you excited?
I am actually very excited.

It's very nice.
It's lovely.

'Only last summer,
for the first time ever,

England won the World Cup
in dramatic style.'

He's got it!
England have won the World Cup!'

'Truly remarkable scenes.'

'Absolute ecstasy for England!'

'So going into this four-match
series against South Africa,

we were the favourites.'

'Very good strike in front of
square, nicely played by Root.

'But having lost the First Test...'

'Got him! What a comeback!'

'..the pressure was on.'

'South Africa with victory.'

'I was excited about the prospect
of an overseas cricket tour,

but I sensed my partner in crime
didn't really feel the same.'

Tell me this. Are you more excited
about being in Cape Town

or the cricket?

Or both?
Do you want the truth?

Yes, I would like the truth.

I'd say 60-40 in favour of Cape Town.

So 60-40 in favour of
-being in Cape Town?
-Yes.

But also excited about the cricket.
Good.

Are you coming into this thinking,
"I can see myself getting into this"
or not?

I'll be honest with you.
I've been thinking about Cape Town.

Just as a place to go.

Scope it out,
maybe bring Lou and the kids back.

60-40 might have been a load of
-shit.
-Yeah, that was bullshit.

It were 80-20, min.

'Getting Rob excited about cricket
wasn't going to be easy.

So I enlisted the help of former
England captain and South African
native Kevin "KP" Pietersen.

KP had agreed to teach us
the basics of the game.

And if nothing else, it was an
opportunity to hang out with a
legend and brush up on my skills.'

Hello, mate.
Hey, guys.

All right?
Yes, I'm good.

We're here in the beautiful
Cape Town

and I'm here to teach you
how to bowl,

how to bat and
how to catch some balls.

Have you ever been
on a bowling machine before?

No.
You haven't?

We've got 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 -
these are all miles per hour.

So we flip them on, OK?

This is what you do
when you practise.

You go in there as a cricketer
and you're batting in a position.

This allows you to bowl the ball
in an area where you feel
comfortable to play.

All I want to do is just show you
what you're about to face.

But it's gonna be gentle.
It's only 70 mph.

So...

Holy shit!

(LAUGHS)
Good to see you, KP!

(LAUGHS)

Lovely to meet you.
Enjoy Cape Town.

Enjoy Cape Town.
All the best.

Come on. Come on.

You can absolutely piss off, mate,
if you think I'm going near that.

And that's 70mph, so in our game,
that's military medium.

That's medium?
That's medium.

I'd be nervous sat in my car
down there.

Practise tough, play easy.

Right. OK, thank you for that.

'So with KP's ominous words
of wisdom fresh in our ears...

..it was time to get kitted out
with some protective gear.'

Two issues.

One: KP's terrifying.

Two: I don't know
how to do these pads.

Apart from that, absolutely buzzing.

What are you struggling with?
This.

That's pad, that's obviously
for your leg.

It's not for anything else.

I can't actually believe I'm doing
your freakin' pads.

Cricket legend,
just Velcro-ing your leg up.

Is that comfortable?
Thank you.

Reckon you can do this one?
I'll do this one myself.

It's exactly what I do with my son.
I do one, you do the other.

Thanks very much, I appreciate it.
-Thanks for your help.
-No worries.

The gloves should be
the last thing you put on.

You should put your lid on
before you put that left glove on.

Will you be able to
get your glasses back on?

Let's have a look.
I reckon you're good.

(SNORTS)
(LAUGHTER)

You want me to put
your glasses on for you?

(LAUGHS)

Here we go.

This is a joke.

'Satisfied that little Romesh
was all protected,

Rom was all set to put his
batting skills into practice.'

Your stance is perfect.
You tell me when you're ready.

OK, I'm ready.

Aagh!

(SNIGGERS)

Are you shitting me?
What speed was that?

50.

That was not 50, KP.

I've been nice,
I've kept it away from the stumps.

Pathetic.
-Out.
-Pathetic.

'50 miles an hour?'

It felt like
it was moving through time.

It was so quick.

Ah, come on!

Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish.

How many more chances do you want?

When he's not coaching you cricket,
big fan of him.

When he's coaching me cricket,
he can piss off.

For fuck's sake!

Still not very good.
Awful.

He's horrible.
You can do it.

Yes, Romesh!
Oh, shit!

Ouch!

Ouch!
(LAUGHS)

Romesh, did that really hurt?

Did it really hurt?
(LAUGHS)

Did it really hurt
What did it hit?

It hit his glove.
My wrist is fucked, mate.

Was it your wrist or your hand?

It's here.

That could be a problem.

That was the only time I saw
a flicker of humanity from
Kevin Pietersen.

He looked a bit concerned that he'd
broken my wrist first time out.

-Did it hit your hand?
-It hit his
wrist. Nothing's wrong with him.

Nothing wrong with him.

'It was at this point KP decided
to add insult to injury...

..by letting Rob bowl.'

A bit wide.

Here we go.

Yeah, worse.
Jesus.

I'll try again.
Knock him over.

What the fuck?

What is this?

I felt a bit sorry for Romesh
in the bowling.

My bowling was so bad,
he couldn't hit any of them.

Eye on the prize, is the stumps.

All you're thinking about
is the stumps.

So like that?
Stop fucking looking up there.

Look at the stumps.
OK.

I reckon there were
two deliveries he bowled

that were straight enough for me
to make an attempt to hit it.

No, not there!

Apart from that, he was mainly
targeting the side netting.

Why don't we have one more?
One more, yeah.

Ready?

Well done. I thought that was
-outstanding. Very good.
-Thanks!

'Having set an incredibly low
benchmark with his bowling...'

Your turn.

'..I couldn't wait to see
what Rob was capable of

when you put a bat in his hands.'

Here we go. Start at the top.

60 miles an hour.

Oh, God! So fast!

Yes!
Oh, my God!

Yes, baby!

No idea what happened.

What about that?

That's my celebration.

It turns out Rob is one
of the greatest secret batsmen

that the country's ever known.

Here we go.

Yeah!
Oh, my God!

What about this?
That is...

Is that all right?
-That's amazing.
-Quality.

I felt I was in a battle.
I had armour on and a bat.

Stuff was coming at me. "Have that!"

"Stick that!" Wallop.

Jesus, he's good!

Ohhh! Crunch!

Yes!
(LAUGHS)

Yes!
Yes!

I love this. We have something.

Kevin Pietersen, I think,
definitely prefers me to Romesh.

We finally have something.
The best for last.

You were shit. He's good.

(LAUGHS)

You were shit!

I think I'm in love
with Kevin Pietersen.

Outstanding. This is cricket.

This is cricket. Top of off stump.

This is cricket.
Absolutely crushing them home.

That's good.

Rob was hitting my bowling
and going,

"See, that's how you do it.
You didn't hit any of mine."

I couldn't hit any of his because
they weren't in the same postcode.

Fuck's sake!
See you later.

Keep 'em coming. I won't get bored.

I couldn't hit any of his, Kevin,
cos they weren't hitting-

I won't get bored of this.
Look how confident he is.

Look at him, he just wants
more and more.

Prick!

The reason that Rob was able to hit
my bowling is because I was bowling.

I don't know what he was doing.
-Outstanding.
-Cheers, mate.

That was real good.
-Think I could go pro?
-No.

'So as the sun set behind
Table Mountain,

we headed outside for the final part
of our cricket masterclass.

And my last chance to convince KP
I wasn't a total waste of space.'

Open up your hands.

Hands open,
into the bread basket, OK?

Bring the ball
into your bread basket.

Into your bread basket.
Very good. I like that.

Into your bread basket.

Yep, that's outstanding.

And again.
Outstanding. Good learners.

Right, let's just use the bat.

Hands OK?

I feel like I'm trying
to impress my dad.

OK, there we go.

Just give me another yard or two.

I'm gonna jump this up a little bit.

The ball is hard, it's a cricket
ball, this is what we play with.

Rom?

Yes, there's my boy.
There's my boy.

Thanks, Dad.

Up she goes.

What were you taking away there?

That wasn't even high.
Stop freakin' wobbling your head.

Ready.

You've got that.
Outstanding.

Outstanding.
Thank you.

So good.

Who's that for? Rob, that's yours.

Don't like it! I don't like it!

(LAUGHS)

That's horrible!
That's too high!

It turns out that Rob Beckett
is shit scared of this.

He's absolutely terrified of it.

-Don't be that guy.
-A ball's never
gone that high before in cricket!

Don't be that guy.
It hurt when it was low.

They're laughing at me. Brilliant.
Humiliated.

You've got a few South Africans
watching you, an audience here.

Show something.
The ball would go up.

Rob would get underneath it
and then just shit himself.

I have never seen somebody
as scared of an inanimate object

as much as Rob Beckett is
of this cricket ball.

I am useless.
I can't catch or throw.

It's a mental block, isn't it?

I think it is. I think it is.

It's so hard. How are you doing it?
Is it hurting?

Yeah. Yeah, it's hurting a lot.

I'll be honest with you,
my bread basket is broken.

I thought you were doing it
in a way that didn't hurt.

No, I'm in agony.
(LAUGHS)

You know the Atlas Stones
in World's Strongest Man?

Them but tiny.

Rock hard little balls...

(GRUNTS)

Right, one more each, OK?

That's mental, absolutely mental.

Ohhh!

That's how you celebrate!

(LAUGHS) What about that?

What about that? He went for it.

Yeah, OK.

Right, you're done.
I'm done.

Very good.
Thank you.

Come on, last one.

Go on, Bobby.
Bread basket, hands!

Bread basket!

(LAUGHTER)

That looked so painful!

You know what they say at
a lot of schools around the world?

That's swollen.

It's the effort.
I tried, then.

It's the taking part that counts.
How is it?

It's already swollen. Is that normal?

If it's broken, yeah.

Batting one for Rob,
bowling one for Rom.

Let's see who's the overall
best cricketer.

Look who's just smashed it
with the catch.

Romesh Jonathan Ranganathan.

Here we go. Rob.

'So the humiliation was over but KP
wasn't quite done with us.'

We've bowled, we've batted,
and more importantly,

we've been out here with the
beautiful setting of Table Mountain.

We've tried to catch, OK?

You caught an absolute ripper,
but what I'm gonna do now,

is I'm gonna organise that my buddy,
Nasser Hussain...

At Newlands, England are playing
a test match against South Africa.

You guys can go at lunchtime.

Nasser's gonna feed three balls,
similar to what you've done now,
but I need a winner.

We have to find a winner
and one of you will be that guy.

We'd both quite like to be that guy.
I'd like to be.

I feel like my CV isn't putting me
forward to be that guy.

OK.
Happy?

Thank you so much, I really
-appreciated it.
-Thank you so much.

I hope I wasn't too tough on you.

Cheers, mate.

You don't mind pain if you win.

I wish them luck.

But I fear a broken finger.

Does yours hurt?
Yeah, a lot.

It's so humiliating.

'Rob and I are in South Africa...'

Oh, God.

'..taking on the world of cricket.'

How do you do this?

'Our first stop on this journey of
humiliation was some training...'

Eye on the prize is the stumps.

'..with an icon of the game,
Kevin Pietersen.'

Hands open, bring the ball
into your bread basket.

'Where we quickly discovered...

that I can't hit the ball...'

Pathetic.
Out.

'..and I was terrified
of catching it.'

Who's that for? Rob?

I don't like it.

'Personally, I hadn't come
all the way to South Africa just
to watch some cricket.

As we had some time to kill before
the start of the test match,

I'd arranged for us both
to see some wildlife,

promising my cricket-keen partner

we'd be safely back in time
for the test match.'

Have you done safari before?
Never.

Are you into animals?

Yeah, but...when you say it
like that, it sounds weird.

-"Into"?
-It's weird if I said,
"Are you into fucking animals?"

We saw an animal getting fucked,
didn't we? Remember?

Yeah, in that zoo!

When we was with our kids.

That was awful,
cos we thought it was funny.

Two zebras, weren't it?

A zebra undocking from its partner.

My kids were just, like...

"Daddy, what are they doing?"

I was thinking, "Rob's in the car
in front dealing with the same
conversation."

"What are they doing?"
All funny, all laugh.

They were climaxing
when we saw them.

He was doing it then we got
the tail end of it as he withdrew.

It was like a multipack of Yakult
had been smashed on the floor.

-That's climax, isn't it?
-If that
weren't, I wouldn't want to be on the
end of it when it is.

I was anxious that I had
to explain it to my boys,

but also delighted you had
to explain it to your girls.

They were just playing,
then he spilt a drink.

Is that what you said,
spilt a drink?

He knocked over a drink.
-With his dick?
-With his leg.

Nice, so now they think zebras
-have five legs.
-Yes.

And they're very clumsy.

'The chance of seeing more happy
zebras was quite high,

as were the chances of Romesh missing
the entire first day of cricket.'

I get so anxious about
getting there on time.

We'll end up getting there really
early cos I'm worried we'll
miss something.

I'm like that about nothing else.
Really?

'What I hadn't told Romesh was,

to get to the start of the safari
we'd be travelling in
a mode of transport

not exactly designed to carry
two overweight English comedians.'

What was that, mate?

♪ When I die and they lay me to rest

♪ Gonna go to the place
that's the best

This is amazing this, innit?

Yes, very nice.

Except for the fact that we're gonna
miss quite a bit of the cricket.

You said, "We're popping out
for a safari."

Yeah.
And now we're on a plane.

Yeah, that's quicker than driving.

Do you promise we'll make it back
for the cricket?

Yes.

'For some reason,
I still wasn't totally convinced,

as we were quickly moving further
and further away from anything
representing a cricket stadium.

The way things were going,

I couldn't imagine how
this day could get any worse.

And then of course, it did.'

(THUNDER CRASHES)

I don't like this at all.
That was a bit of lightning.

That's handy. Good to know.
Good to see that in the air.

If you see any more,
don't mention it to me.

OK, I'll keep the lightning
to myself.

Just as a little tip.

Ever been that close
to lightning before, this high?

Are we actually just doing...

Are we doing
a full tourist experience,

get shown around, luxury,
absolutely amazing...

What happened?
What did you just see?

Lightning.

What did I say to you?
You asked again.

-Do that?
-It's hard not to
when you see lightning that far away.

Don't react to it
and don't say anything.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

Fucking hell.

'I could tell things were bad cos
even Rob had stopped talking.'

The last time I saw a view like that
was in the film Alive.

About those guys that crash on that
mountain and have to eat each other.

If we go down in this,
reckon we'll get in the paper?

If we went down now, and died...

..I would be so angry with you.

(LAUGHS)

'Thankfully, at least today, Rob's
arse was not on my dinner menu,

as the runway finally
came into view.

After what seemed like forever,

the tin can with wings
touched down safely

in what looked like
the middle of nowhere...

..where we'd probably both
be eaten by the lions.'

'As the sun rose majestically on a
library clip I'd found on YouTube,

I was well excited
about going on safari.

But it seems I was the only one.'

We're here for the cricket.

If we don't make it back,
I will be furious.

'I'd been on safari before
and I love it.

But what I've never done before
is go on safari with Rob Beckett.'

If you look up the phrase
"All the gear, no idea" on Google,

you'll see Rob in his safari outfit.

-You look really good.
-Cheers, mate,
it's what I got for Longleat.

I thought I'd use it again.

Hi, I'm Lucy.
Romesh.

I'm Bwiyani, nice to meet you.

Hi, Bwiyani.
-Thank you.Welcome!
-Very excited.

I'm gonna be your ranger today,
this is our tracker.

He'll be sitting up in the front.

You guys ready for a safari?
He's definitely ready.

(LAUGHTER)

Am I overdressed?
No, that's the perfect outfit.

Is the hat too much, do you think?
No, I think it's beautiful.

Thank you, Lucy.
A bit of positivity round here!

All right, let's hop on board.
Let's do it.

Up you get, boy.
All right.

How are you getting in?
Like this. Here we go.

Look at that. I think Kim Kardashian
wants her boots back.

You cannot...

You cannot say anything
about what I'm wearing, mate.

'Finally our safari adventure
was underway.'

What do you want to see first?

I want to see you take that hat off,
ideally.

'Before us lay 54,000 acres

of pristine South African wilderness,

home to some of the greatest animals
on the planet.'

How prepared am I?

I've been waiting all my life
for this.

Smithers' Mammals Of Southern Africa:
A Field Guide.

Every one they've got in here.

And I'm looking to find all of them.

'He is so excited about this.

He's already annoying visually.'

That's before you even start
speaking to him.

So God knows what
this is gonna be like.

Cheetah there.
Cheetah?

Yeah.
Cheetah!

Oh, my God!

'It's a tick-off book,
space for notes.'

I won't make any notes. The way
I'll do it is, tick 'em as I go.

Warthogs!
Warthog!

Warthogs. Warthogs.

Giraffe.

Giraffes!
All right, quiet.

One of the things
about going on safari is,

the whole point is you're supposed
to be as quiet as you can...

And another one! Three of them!
Oh, my God.

And another! Four!

It's an absolute giraffe bonanza!

You've got to become one with nature
and move through the area silently.

This is so exciting.

"Absolute giraffe bonanza!"

Unfortunately, we've got a foghorn
on our vehicle called Rob Beckett.

And he doesn't shut up ever.

We are ripping through this.

I'm gonna run out of bloody ink,
Lucy.

(LAUGHS)

Give us some facts, Rob.

They like grassland.

(TUTS) What do you know?
Thank you for confirming.

That's come as a massive surprise
to everyone.

'And unfortunately
for everybody on board,

this was only the beginning of
Beckett's brilliant factoids.'

So I imagine that's a male,
seeing as he's on his own.

So the chances are quite good
that it's a male.

You're such a teacher's pet.

They sometimes take over little
dens and burrows of aardvarks.

They do. That's amazing,
that's all true.

Completely true.
Thanks.

They feed a lot at night, don't they?

Am I wrong?
-No, you're not wrong.
-Thanks.

What else, Rob?
-What?
-What else?

They weigh about 14kg at birth.

Unusual to say "kg" when you're
dropping it into conversation.

That's how I talk.

That's how we talk. Do you say "kg"?

We do.
Yeah.

We do.

(BIRD SQUAWKING)
Guys, listen.

The black korhaan is calling.
Black korhaan?

Let me show you what it looks like.

Don't worry, I'm on it.
You're on it?

You got a bird in your mammal book?

I've got the blue wildebeest.
(LAUGHS)

Wow, OK.

Lucy's on fire today.

Absolutely fabulous.

Two-footed, you cleaned me out.

Absolutely smashed through me,
two-footed.

Bottled it the rest of the game,
taken off at half-time.
So casually delivered.

"You got a bird in your mammal
book?"I didn't even get it
until you laughed.

(BIRD CAWS)

'Rob and I are in South Africa on
a mission to learn everything we
can about cricket.'

Yeah!
Oh, my God!

Yes-s-s!

'Today, at a sold-out Newlands
stadium in Cape Town,

England are about to play
against the host nation

on the first day
of the Second Test.'

'A lot of England support here.'

'1-0 down in the series, they needed
to get off to a good start.'

'The day is there to be seized
by somebody.'

'And after winning the toss,
Zak Crawley opened the batting...'

'What an opportunity for him.'

'..nudging a quick single
to set England on their way...'

'Barmy Army getting up in song.'

'..before Ben Stokes and Ollie Pope
started racking up the runs.'

'Never any doubt
about the outcome there.'

'Brilliant.'
'That's nicely played.'

'That's so well played.

Oh, no. Oh, yes.'

'But as England's day
had begun well,

mine had gone off the beaten track.

Because we were over 600 miles
away from the action,

as I'd been led astray
by the prick Rob Beckett.'

His exact words were,
"We're gonna pop out for a safari."

And we got on a plane.

'And as Rob ticked off
his bucket list...'

It's a giraffe!
All right, quiet.

'..I resigned myself to the fact
I wouldn't see any cricket today.

Meanwhile, our safari rangers,

possibly to compensate
for my misery,

set up a little game of their own.

There's this game that has been
going on for many generations.

Yeah, cricket.

We pick up some impala dung

and we try to spit it
as far as we can.

Are you joking?
It's great fun.

What?
So we have some small impala dung.

'So the rules were simple and much
easier to grasp than those of cricket

OK, so Bwiyani and I will
demonstrate.

This is a joke. Oh, my God!

Didn't even hesitate!
This can't be real, can it?

'Roll some shit about your mouth...

and spit.'

'They need board games here.'

Or a pack of cards,

Top Trumps, Uno, something...

to make that game a dead thing.

It's gonna be the best of three.

How about the best of "go fuck
yourself"? I'm doing this once.

That's a bit rude.

What's that?
All right.

-I don't like cinnamon.
-Is there
something dirty on the shit?

You worried about it?
(LAUGHS)

What are you talking about?
It's shit, mate.

Anything that's on it is better
than what it is.

(LAUGHS)
You're right!

Imagine a Malteser
that tasted of shit covered in mud.

And then gobbing it.

It's such a disgusting thing to do.

Go on, then.
Definitely the worst one.

-Horrible.
-Three...
(GAGS)

No, I've got to...

(SPITS)

You're supposed to roll it
around in your mouth.

What happens as you roll it
round your mouth,

is a thin coating of that shit...

..completely covers
the inside of your mouth.

That was worse.

Oh, sorry, that wasn't my turn!
That wasn't my turn.

Here's another one.

Here's another one. Don't worry.

Do you know what happened?

I just suddenly remembered
what I had in my mouth.

(LAUGHS) Three, two, one...

Whoa!

Come on!

Yes, mate! Yes, mate!
Good job.

I tried my best, didn't I?

That's the end of your initiation.
Congratulations.

Thank you.
You're all bushed out.

Well done, mate.
I think you're the winner.

I don't think either of us
are the winner here, mate.

'It's fair to say our little trip
into the South African wilderness

hadn't exactly been
to everyone's taste.

But it had certainly been better
than Plan A.'

I know we should be at the cricket,

but it's worth sacrificing the day
for this, innit?

I've got to tell you,
as Beckett diversions go,

this is one of your best ones.

Best BD of all time?
Might be.

Bearing in mind it's not a high bar.

'Now we'd been initiated
as honorary safari rangers,

head vet William Fowlds
had a special job for us.'

The plan is to do a management
procedure on a female white rhino.

She hasn't conceived.

So we just want to make sure
that is the case.

OK. So how do you find out
if she's pregnant?

We're gonna scan her, that's
the sort of 100% way of doing it.

If she's positive,
she's definitely pregnant.

So rectal scan.

But in order to get the probe in,

we've got to clear out her rectum
with all that digested grass.

Yeah.

What I need you to do is help me
clear out the rectum.

There's a lot of grass there, they
eat an enormous amount of food.

It sounds like you're saying that
we're gonna clear out the rectum.

Yeah, that's exactly
what you're gonna be doing.

Rectum's the arse, innit?
Yes.

'Clearly we'd become the go-to guys
for faecal-related challenges.

But before we could get stuck
into the task at hand,

we had to locate the rhino.

Which meant as William
took to the air...'

'The signal is in that direction
you're flying.'

'..we followed in hot pursuit
from the ground.'

Rob, I'm gonna tell you this now.

Genuinely buzzing.
We're tracking a rhino!

See the chopper!

There's some info on rhinos
-if you want a look.
-I'm all right.

Don't know about rhino,
-I'm seeing a bell end.
-What's that?

Nothing.
Can't hear a word.

'Got a good signal.'

'William had spotted our rhino.

But there was a problem.

There were two of them.'

What happens with the other rhino?

We do one each.
One each.

Like this, mate.

I won't be doing that afterwards,
I tell you.

'Now in our sights, William will need
to put the two-ton animal to sleep.'

'It looks good, you can dart
when you're ready.'

'And surprisingly, it wasn't by
watching an hour of cricket,

but a jumbo-sized tranquiliser...

..to the arse.'

As soon as the rhino goes down,
we move in.

Oh, my God.
And you grease up your arm.

'With the arse dart taking
just minutes to kick in,

the team swings into action.

But with the danger of the other
rhino charging in at any moment,

the helicopter heads back into
the sky to herd any threats away.'

I'm a bit concerned about
what we've got to do, though.

We got a two-minute briefing but
I don't know that's long enough.

I'd argue that the "hand up the arse"
stuff should've been in more detail

before it was darted.

I suppose, what can you say?
"Put it up, let's scoop it out."

Yeah.

'So with one rhino on the run...

and another out for the count...

because he'd lost
the spitting challenge,

Rob was going in first.'

Give me your hand here.
As much lube as possible.

Happy to do anything for the lady.

Right, in you go.
Good luck, Bob.

I was a bit too eager there,
weren't I?

So just do it like that?

You'll feel the difference between
squishy membranes and grass.

-I don't like it.
-Still glad we're
missing the cricket, you prick?

Rob was first up.

I hoped he was only up.

(SHUDDERS)
There we go. All done, first one.

Next.
Next.

You have a go.
You're not done.

Where's your glove?
I can't do it.

I don't want to go back in.
Don't want to go back in.

Rob lost his temper.

Come on, you got-

Get your glove on! Why's he not
got a glove on? Get him a glove!

I think we ran out of gloves.

Get him a glove or we're falling out.

There's no way we've come this far

for only one of us
to go up that rhino.

In you go, boy. There you go,
bit of lube. Come on.

OK.

You'll feel the wet moist membranes,

keep going until
you feel the grass balls.

I'll have to get really in there.

I think it's coming out of her mouth.
You might want to ease off.

The inside of a rhino's arse
is distinctly unpleasant.

That's even before
we talk about the smell.

My arm, I think for the next
six to eight months,

is gonna smell like
the inside of that rhino.

'So having got closer to a rhino
than we'd ever expected to,

it was time for head vet William...'

He's gone there, mate.
Fully in.

'..to make his assessment.'

Not pregnant.
Not pregnant.

There's a slight chance,
the uterus is still out of my reach.

I don't think you could have given
any more there, mate.

We'll see if we can pick it up
-on the blood test.
-OK.

So now we're waiting
on the blood test

to see if she's pregnant.

Some would argue, just do the blood
test, but, you know...

There's a strong argument for that.

(LAUGHS WHEEZILY)

This is insane.

What's going on?
I thought I'd lost my phone.

You'd left it up there?
Like I'd go back in.

Ring it.
'That was unbelievable.'

Rhino shit aside,

that was truly amazing.

Missing the cricket to do something
like this was actually
pretty special.

But I am now itching to get back.

♪ The circle of life

'Rob and I are in South Africa,

taking on the world
of international cricket.'

Think I could go pro?
-No.
-OK.

'The plan was to immerse ourselves
in all things bat and ball

and find out why it's one of
the world's most popular sports.

Well, that was my plan, anyway.'

'Oh, wow!'

'As England batted it out against
South Africa on the first day
of the Second Test...'

'Wow, wow, wow!'
'What a response.'

'..we'd been facing
a test of our own on safari,

where we'd got up close and personal
with one of the park's residents.'

Just keep going till you feel
-the grass balls.
-Oh, God.

'The following morning,
still smelling of rhino,

we were back in Cape Town.

But instead of taking us to the
cricket for the start of day two,

Rob was taking us up
Table Mountain.'

(SIGHS)

Mate...

Why can't we just go to the cricket?

And enjoy it?

'If Rob's plan was to keep me as
far away from the cricket as much
as possible, it was working.'

'And as we headed up the mountain
for my next cultural diversion,

I sensed things had got a little
awkward between me and Romesh.

So I thought it best to stay off
the subject of cricket.'

So have you ever done
back, sack and crack?

No.

But I have-
There's a but coming, ain't there?

I have shaved my balls
completely hairless.

I always aim to do that, but it's
very hard to do without snagging.

Electric razor or Bic?
Just a Bic.

What, you stretched it out?
Of course.

You got to get in
the nooks and crannies.

How thick is your pubic hair?
Not very thick and they're blond.

Quite nice.

I keep saying things
I regret instantly.

(LAUGHS)

"Quite nice"!

'Back at Newlands,
day two was well underway.'

'Here we go, Anderson to Elgar.

He's away with a four.'

'With South Africa chasing 269,

Elgar and Malan were
leading the charge.'

'Beautiful shot.'

'But England had other ideas

as they took four wickets
in the morning session...'

'There's an edge...
and what a good catch that is.

There's an edge
and he's done it again. Stokes!'

'And while the Barmy Army
celebrated with a few beers...

'..we'd arrived at
the Groot Constantia vineyard,

nestled on the side of Table
Mountain, where I'd lined up a tour.'

You can't come to South Africa and
not come to one of the vineyards.

It's beautiful, you can see
the mountain in the background.

This is what all the Barmy Army will
be doing, if they're not already
doing it at the match.

Rob Beckett seems to have turned the
cricket into some 18-30s cruise.

Hello, I'm Boela.
Nice to meet you.

Yes, it does feel like two blokes on
the saddest stag do of all time.

You guys are wine connoisseurs,
you know a lot about wine?

I'm a fan of Chilean Merlot.
You got any of that?

Erm...yeah, you're about
10,000 kilometres off.

But, yeah,
we have some decent Merlot.

Something similar.
Pour our guests a glass.

What is that?

What's the machete for?

Just to take the top
off the bubbles.

Remember that comment
about Chilean Merlot?

I'm regretting that!

Let's see if we can
do it without a seam.

Like a hen do that's got out of hand.

Ohh!
Off it goes!

(CHUCKLING)

Got a nose bleed!

I think if you're doing
a demonstration on camera,

for the benefit of two visitors,
have a practice.

I'm no expert but I think
that went brilliantly.

She did not look like she had half
a scoobie of how to do that.

After that intro,
shall we go and taste the wine?

Absolutely.
Can we take these with us?

Enjoy yourselves, guys. Have fun.
We'll see you in Casualty.

OK, please do. Bye.

'Whilst Karen received a lesson
in how to open a bottle,

we headed up the hill
for a lesson in wine tasting,

where head grower Boela Gerber

had laid on
some of the estate's best vino.'

These are all the wines
on the estate.

I'll give you four glasses of wine,

you'll have to smell and guess
which ones they are.

The danger here is,
don't get too pissed.

So I'm gonna try and be measured,
try and be calm,

approach it sensibly
and gently taste the wine.

(SNIGGERS)
Oh, that wasn't-

Fantastic. You like the Sauvignon?

I liked it but, sorry, I didn't know
the vibe. I thought it was-

I'll be honest with you.

That's sort of what
I expected you to do.

Did you see the complete lack of
surprise on my face there?

I thought that's what we were doing.
OK, sorry.

I wish I could tell you I was
surprised by how the wine tasting
went down.

But it went exactly as expected.

What are you smelling?
Flowery.

Floral?
Very good.

I am really smelling red wine a lot
as well.

(SNIGGERS)
That's good. Very good.

He kept necking the wine.
That one's lively.

Very mature. That's a strong one.

Is that peppery?

He gave no thought
towards actually tasting the wine

and thinking about
what it was about.

Salt? No.

(LAUGHS WHEEZILY)

He couldn't even keep track of
the four glasses we had in play.

It's peppery.
No, that was the last one.

I don't know.
This is wine number 3.

To South Africa.
Yeah?

Are you taking this seriously, Rob?
You've necked it again.

I'm tasting it, mate. Wood.

Got the old Joker smile
going on as well now.

It descended into anarchy with Rob.

Very, very quickly.
OK, let's move along.

Rob, what are you doing?
What?

He said take a taste of each
so we can compare them afterwards.

You've drunk them all.
Haven't I?

Your teeth are like
my mother-in-law.

The problem about alcohol is,

it's lovely.

When do we have a cracker?

What are the crackers for?
They just clear your palate.

(BURPS)
-I beg your pardon.
-What?

(MUTTERS)

Oh, my God! That was awful!

(LAUGHS)

(TALKS WITH MOUTH FULL)

Shut up! Get off me!

Stop talking!
Finish the cracker!

The poor guy...

Can I...
Rob, stop.

Just stop.
You struggle to eat a cracker.

I come here, neck...

..seven different wines.

It's the most alive I've felt
in years.

Don't give him more, Boela.
OK.

Yeah, a little bit of what that is.

I'll be honest with you.
I'm absolutely shitfaced.

Thank you, Boela.
Absolute pleasure.

Cheers.

'And so our adventure into South
African wine culture was over.

And I for one had possibly enjoyed
it more than I intended to.'

What did I learn about wine?

Don't neck 'em all.
It's not a downing drink.

'We have slightly
different agendas.'

I really am into trying
to find out about...

Not find out about the cricket
but get involved,

find out what it is about cricket
that makes people passionate for it.

Rob is very much into the
extra-curricular activities.

'You've got to experience
the culture.'

The cricket is about
more than the cricket.

It's about the experience
of a country.

We're in South Africa, in Cape Town.

You've got to come and taste the wine
and we've done it.

Great day.
I love cricket.

Thanks for a lovely day.
-It's been good, ain't it?
-Great.

Can we actually engage
in some cricket tomorrow?

I do like the straight lines
of a vineyard.

Christ.
Don't you?

It's like noughts and crosses
before it starts.

Let's be quiet for a bit, shall we?
Yeah.

'As we waited for a taxi home,

I reflected on a great day out.

And an incredible effort
by England.'

'Oh, that's a beauty!'

'While we were getting drunk,
Jimmy Anderson took three wickets.'

'It's a corker!'

'Which turned the game around...'
'England are in a strong position.'

'..and brought us back
into contention.'

'Perfect end to the day.'

'In the next episode,
we finally make it to the cricket.'

'Rob and Romesh are in the house.'

'It's important, I guess,
to stay hydrated.'

'As Rom and I take to the field
in front of a packed stadium...

for a catching challenge with
England legend Nasser Hussain.'

'Here we go.'

'And the Second Test concludes
in epic fashion

as England and South Africa
battle it out.'

'Gone! What a catch that is!'

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