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>> O'Brien: TONIGHT ON
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"HOT PACKAGE," OUCH!
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IT'S OFFICIAL.
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THE TOES HAVE IT.
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>> Beckles: WE TAKE A LOOK AT
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NORTH AMERICA'S FAVORITE NEW
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SHOW.
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SCARY PERRY CARAVELLO PLOPS BY
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TO GIVE US THE EXCLUSIVE INSIDE
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SCOOP ON HOW TO MAKE IT AS A MAN
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IN THIS WOMEN'S BUSINESS WE CALL
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SHOW.
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>> WHEN GOD CREATES YOU AS A
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LADY, BE A LADY.
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SHE JUST LOOKS LIKE A PIG.
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>> Beckles: [ LAUGHS ]
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>> Roark: EVERY BAD BOY LOVES TO
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TALK ABOUT THE LENGTH OF IT, HOW
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THICK IT IS, AND HOW IT SMELLS.
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THICK IT IS, AND HOW IT SMELLS.
YOU GUESSED IT.
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YOU GUESSED IT.
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>> Beckles: THEN WE TURN SLOPPY
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POPS INTO DAPPER DADS.
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IT'S A SPECIAL DADDY/DAUGHTER
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"HOT PACKAGE" MAKEOVER.
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>> O'Brien: THEN...
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>> Roark: HOLLYWOOD UNDER SIEGE.
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OUR EXCLUSIVE DEATH TABULATOR
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JOINS "H.P." FOR THE LATEST
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JOINS "H.P." FOR THE LATEST
AUTOMATED UPDATES.
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AUTOMATED UPDATES.
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>> CASH.
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>> Beckles: PLUS AND
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JEFF DEANE TURNER DROPS BY WITH
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A MOVIE REVIEW.
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>> MM. MAMMA MIA!
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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>> O'Brien: ALL THOSE STORIES
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AND MUCH MORE, ONLY HERE!
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>> Beckles: TONIGHT ON
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"HOT PACKAGE."
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>> O'Brien: YOU'RE WATCHING
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"HOT PACKAGE," THE BEST AND ONLY
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CURRENT ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
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PROGRAMMING.
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>> Beckles: HELLO, EVERYONE.
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WELCOME BACK TO "HOT PACKAGE."
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I'M DERRICK BECKLES.
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>> O'Brien: AND I'M PAT O'BRIEN.
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HI, EVERYBODY.
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HI, NORTH AMERICA.
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IT APPEARS AMERICA'S FAVORITE
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NEW COCKTAIL IS SHRIMP, OR
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SHOULD I SAY SHRIMPING,AND FANS
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ARE EATING IT UP.
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>> Beckles: WELL, AS YOU
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DEFINITELYKNOW BY NOW,
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SHRIMPING, A.K.A. TOE SUCKING,
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IS BACK, AND IT'S ALL
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COMPLIMENTS OF
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"JUST KICKIN' IT!" THE HOT, NEW
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SITCOM WITH A LOT OF SOUL,
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TALENTED PIGGIES, AND THEIR
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BROODING, HUNKY CO-SUCKING
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TOE-STARS.
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>> THIS NEVER HAPPENED.
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>> YES, SIR!
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>> THIS NEVER, EVER...
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HAPPENED.
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>> Beckles: PACKING IN THE
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RATINGS AND LAUGHS WEEK AFTER
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WEEK, THESE DOGS KEEP BARKING
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WITHOUT ANY NOISE COMPLAINTS.
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IN FACT, INSIDERS PREDICT
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"JUST KICKIN' IT!" HAS AT LEAST
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NINE MORE SEASONS IN IT.
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YOU GUESSED IT -- ONE FOR EACH
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TOE.
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>> O'Brien: WELL, LET'S HOPE
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NOBODY HAS PUT THEIR FOOT IN
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THEIR MOUTHS OVER THIS ONE.
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[ WAILING ]
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UH-OH.
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YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS!
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>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.
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BAD BOY HAIRDO NUMBER 50.
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BAD BOY HAIRDO NUMBER 50.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
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[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
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>> HEY, MAN, I'M HUNGRY!
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SEND UP SOME FOOD!
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>> YEAH!
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>> NO. NO FOOD.
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>> NO. NO FOOD.
>> DON'T MESS WITH ME, MAN!
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>> DON'T MESS WITH ME, MAN!
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>> O'Brien: MMM!
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SOMETHING SMELLS GOOD!
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TIME TO GO TO OUR ULTIMATE URBAN
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FASHION FANATIC,
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DERRICK BECKLES.
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>> FASHION.
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>> Beckles: TIME FOR A
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"HOT PACKAGE" MAKEOVER.
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MEET GORDON, A SELF-DESCRIBED
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NIGHTMARE ON FASHION STREET.
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AND IT WAS KEEPING HIS DAUGHTER
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EMILY UP ALL NIGHT LONG, UNTIL
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SHE FAXED ME A LETTER ASKING TO
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HELP HER DADDY OUT.
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I GAVE GORDON EXCLUSIVE ACCESS
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TO "H.P."'s BOUNTIFUL BEEF
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CAKES, COURTESY OF OUR "H.P."
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HOLLYWOOD HUNK VIDEO VAULT.
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HE WENT WITH THIS SUCCULENT,
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SOPHISTICATED STUD.
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>> BEING ABLE TO REFLECT WAS
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ALMOST LIKE REMINISCING ON
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THINGS THAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE,
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THINGS THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU
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SHOULD HAVE DONE.
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AND SOMETIMES THE BEST WAY TO
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LEARN ABOUT LIFE IS JUST TO MAKE
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MISTAKES.
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>> Beckles: STICK AROUND TO SEE
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EMILY REUNITED WITH HER
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MADE-OVER DADDY.
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>> O'Brien: I CAN ASSURE YOU
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I'LL BE PUTTING UP A "MISSING"
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POSTER FOR MY PATIENCE.
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[ WAILING ]
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UH-OH.
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YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.
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>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.
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>> LOSING MONEY IS NOT ON MY
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MENU.
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AND I DON'T EXPECT IT TO BE ON
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YOURS.
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I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH LIFE
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EATING PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.
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I'LL GO THROUGH LIFE EATING
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LOBSTER AND CAVIAR AND TAKING
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YOU WITH ME.
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NOW...
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>> Roark: AND NOW LEGENDARY
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ENTERTAINER AND UNSTOPPABLE
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TRIPLE THREAT DERRICK BECKLES.
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IT'S TIME FOR "ONES ON ONE."
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>> Beckles: [ LAUGHS ]
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LAUGHING.s: [ LAUGHS ]
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CRYING.
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SCREAMING.
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THESE ARE ALL PART OF SUPERSTAR
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PERRY CARAVELLO'S CRAFT.
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AND NOW WE CAN ADD MALE GENDER
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GURU TO THE LIST, AS
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MR. CARAVELLO TELLS US ALL ABOUT
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HOW HE SEES THE FUTURE OF MEN IN
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AN INDUSTRY COMPLETELY RUN BY,
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AND FOR, WOMEN.
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I SAT DOWN WITH THE STAR OF
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"WINDY CITY HEAT," AND WE TALKED
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THE HARD LINE OF GENDER.
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WHAT DO YOU THINK WOMEN NEED TO
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UNDERSTAND ABOUT BEING A MAN
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THAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND?
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>> THE PACKAGE.
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THEY WON'T HAVE THE PACKAGE IF
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THEY'RE NOT A MAN.
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>> Beckles: PERRY CONTINUED TO
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TELL IT LIKE IT IS.
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>> UNLESS THEY DO WHAT, UH,
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SONNY BONO'S DUMBASS DAUGHTER
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DID -- HAD A FREAKING SEX
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CHANGE.
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SHE'S A WOMAN FOR LIFE.
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>> Beckles: DO YOU THINK
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ALYSSA MILANO'S ATTRACTIVE?
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>> YEAH. OH, YEAH.
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SHE'S A VERY ATTRACTIVE GIRL.
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>> Beckles: WOULD YOU DATE
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CHASTITY OR CHAZ, GIVEN A
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CHOICE?
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>> I HAVE FRIENDS THAT USED TO
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GO OUT WITH...HER WHEN SHE WAS A
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"GIRL."
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UH...BUT THEY -- BUT SHE WAS
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JUST TOO MUCH OF A TOMBOYISH
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KID, AND THEN THAT TOMBOY TURNED
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INTO A [BLEEP]
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>> Beckles: BUT IN CLASSIC PERRY
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STYLE, WITH TOUGH LOVE COMES
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TOUGHER TENDERNESS.
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>> THAT'S WRONG.
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>> Beckles: MM-HMM.
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>> OKAY, WHEN GOD CREATES YOU AS
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A LADY, BE A LADY, OKAY?
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BE A WOMAN.
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STOP TRYING TO CONTROL THE MANLY
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SIDE OF THE FENCE.
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>> Beckles: WHAT ELSE IS IT
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ABOUT BEING A MALE THAT'S SO
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IMPORTANT TO KNOW AND TO KEEP IN
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MIND?
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>> UH, I MEAN, YOU'VE -- YOU'VE
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STUMPED ME.
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UM...
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NORMALLY I'M NOT USED TO BEING
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STUMPED BECAUSE, UH, I'M USUALLY
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RIGHT ON MY TOES AND REALLY OUT
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THERE.
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THERE.
UM...UM...
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UM...UM...
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>> O'Brien: NOW MORE ON PERRY'S
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INTERVIEW IN THE
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"WRAP UP ZONE."
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>> Roark: GREAT, GREAT
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INTERVIEW.
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HE MUST KNOW CHAZ REALLY WELL.
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>> Beckles: HMM, I DON'T -- I
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DON'T -- I DON'T THINK SO.
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>> O'Brien: UH-OH.
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[ WAILING ]
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YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.
223
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TAKE A LOOK.
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>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.
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>> THEY'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE YOU
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ALONE TILL THEY KNOW THAT THEY
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GOT THAT WATERMELON THAT'S IN
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YOURPOCKET SITTING IN THEIR
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POCKET.
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HOW YOU GONNA GO BUY A NEW HOUSE
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OR A NEW ROLLS-ROYCE WHEN YOU
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AIN'T GOT A DIME IN YOUR POCKET?
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OH, YOU'RE GONNA PUT A TROPHY UP
234
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FOR COLLATERAL.
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YEAH.
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WELL, THE GUY AT THE BANK
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DOESN'T THINK SO, AND I DON'T,
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EITHER.
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CASH.
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>> Beckles: DON'T WORRY, EMILY.
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YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A HUNKY DADDY
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SOON.
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NOW IN-HOUSE CINEMANIAC AND
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"HOT PACKAGE" CELEBRITY
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SPECIALIST JEFF DEANE TURNER
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REVIEWS A MOVIE WITH BLACK GUYS
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IN IT.
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>> TODAY'S MOVIE IS CALLED
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"RAZOR SHARPE."
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>> [ SCREAMS ]
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[ BONES CRACKING ]
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BLACK GUY IN IT.
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[ GUNSHOT ]
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AND, UH, HE GETS HIRED AND THEN
255
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FIRED AND THEN HIRED AGAIN.
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>> THAT'S WHY I HAD YOU FIRED
257
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AND RE-HIRED AND FIRED AGAIN!
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>> AND THEN FIRED.
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>> YOU WILL FIRE HIM IN FRONT OF
260
00:07:18,610 --> 00:07:20,370
EVERYONE ON THIS [BLEEP] SET!
261
00:07:20,370 --> 00:07:21,030
>> OKAY!
262
00:07:21,026 --> 00:07:22,476
>> AND THEN GETS HIRED.
263
00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:24,366
>> THE PAY ISN'T GOOD, BUT IT'S
264
00:07:24,374 --> 00:07:25,384
A WAY BACK IN.
265
00:07:25,375 --> 00:07:26,615
ARE YOU INTERESTED?
266
00:07:26,618 --> 00:07:27,998
>> ARE YOU KIDDING?
267
00:07:27,999 --> 00:07:29,659
>> AND THEN FIRED AGAIN.
268
00:07:29,656 --> 00:07:30,926
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
269
00:07:30,933 --> 00:07:32,803
THERE'S ONE BRIDGE ACROSS TO
270
00:07:32,797 --> 00:07:34,937
STARDOM, AND YOU JUST TOOK A CAN
271
00:07:34,937 --> 00:07:37,037
OF GASOLINE AND, POOF, TORCHED
272
00:07:37,042 --> 00:07:37,492
IT.
273
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:39,601
>> [ LAUGHS ]
274
00:07:39,597 --> 00:07:41,877
ANYWAY, UH, YEAH, I'M A LIFETIME
275
00:07:41,875 --> 00:07:43,735
NATURAL GENETIC STRAIGHT.IFETIME
276
00:07:43,739 --> 00:07:45,879
MOST PEOPLE UNDERSTAND WHAT IT
277
00:07:45,879 --> 00:07:46,399
IS.
278
00:07:46,396 --> 00:07:48,496
NOW, THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE
279
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,682
BORN GENETICALLY WITHOUT FEAR.
280
00:07:50,677 --> 00:07:52,327
SOMETIMES THAT HAPPENS WITH
281
00:07:52,333 --> 00:07:53,373
OTHER EMOTIONS.
282
00:07:53,369 --> 00:07:55,059
THERE WAS A TV SHOW, AND I MET
283
00:07:55,060 --> 00:07:56,720
THE WOMAN -- A YOUNG WOMAN...
284
00:07:56,717 --> 00:07:57,817
>> Beckles: OKAY.
285
00:07:57,822 --> 00:07:58,892
[ WAILING ]
286
00:07:58,892 --> 00:08:00,032
>> O'Brien: UH-OH.
287
00:08:00,031 --> 00:08:01,651
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.
288
00:08:01,653 --> 00:08:02,973
>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.
289
00:08:02,965 --> 00:08:04,515
DEATH WAS THE HEADLINER THIS
290
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:05,828
WEEK IN HOLLYWOOD, AND
291
00:08:05,830 --> 00:08:07,250
"HOT PACKAGE" WAS THERE.
292
00:08:07,245 --> 00:08:09,275
HERE'S OUR EXCLUSIVE TRIBUTE TO
293
00:08:09,281 --> 00:08:10,701
THE VICTIMS OF DEATH,
294
00:08:10,697 --> 00:08:12,557
HOLLYWOOD'S MOST DEVASTATING
295
00:08:12,561 --> 00:08:13,221
DISEASE.
296
00:08:13,216 --> 00:08:14,736
[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]
297
00:08:14,735 --> 00:08:16,735
>> [ Echoing ] HMM, THAT GESTUNK
298
00:08:16,737 --> 00:08:18,597
OF A CANINE THINKS HE WILL BE
299
00:08:18,601 --> 00:08:22,471
THE FIRST DOG TO SCUBA-DOOBA.
300
00:08:22,467 --> 00:08:23,637
>> HERE'S YOUR SANDWICH,
301
00:08:23,641 --> 00:08:24,401
MOTHER[BLEEP]
302
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,200
>> OH, YOU MOTHER[BLEEP] BITCH!
303
00:08:26,195 --> 00:08:29,195
OH, YOU MOTHER...[BLEEP]
304
00:08:29,198 --> 00:08:31,438
OH, YOU MOTHER...[BLEEP]
AAH!
305
00:08:31,441 --> 00:08:41,211
AAH!
306
00:08:41,210 --> 00:08:42,900
AAH!
>> AAH!
307
00:08:42,901 --> 00:08:48,561
>> AAH!
308
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:49,812
[ TIRES SCREECHING ]
309
00:08:49,805 --> 00:08:50,425
>> AAH!
310
00:08:50,426 --> 00:08:51,836
>> HASTA LA VISTA,CHIA.
311
00:08:51,841 --> 00:08:52,811
YOU'RE ON OUR TURF.
312
00:08:52,808 --> 00:08:54,048
>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.
313
00:08:54,050 --> 00:08:55,290
>> Beckles: GREAT HAIRDO.
314
00:08:55,293 --> 00:08:56,193
[ WAILING ]
315
00:08:56,190 --> 00:08:57,120
>> O'Brien: UH-OH.
316
00:08:57,122 --> 00:08:58,572
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.
317
00:08:58,572 --> 00:08:59,822
>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.
318
00:08:59,815 --> 00:09:03,125
BAD-BOY HAIRDO 48.
319
00:09:03,128 --> 00:09:06,368
>> [ WAILING ]
320
00:09:06,373 --> 00:09:07,443
>> O'Brien: UH-OH.
321
00:09:07,443 --> 00:09:09,103
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.
322
00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:10,520
>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.
323
00:09:10,515 --> 00:09:12,135
WE HAVE SOME MAKEOVER RESULTS.
324
00:09:12,137 --> 00:09:13,787
WE'RE JOINED BY GORDON'SSULTS.
325
00:09:13,794 --> 00:09:15,624
DAUGHTER, EMILY, TO SEE HER
326
00:09:15,624 --> 00:09:17,254
DADDY'S TRANSFORMATION.
327
00:09:17,246 --> 00:09:19,246
>> Beckles: HE LOOKS ADORABLE.
328
00:09:19,248 --> 00:09:20,208
REMEMBER GORDON?
329
00:09:20,214 --> 00:09:21,914
HE WAS THE NIGHTMARE ON FASHION
330
00:09:21,906 --> 00:09:23,416
STREET THAT DRESSED LIKE HE
331
00:09:23,424 --> 00:09:24,704
LIVED IN A BOILER ROOM.
332
00:09:24,702 --> 00:09:26,222
FORTUNATELY, HIS DAUGHTER,
333
00:09:26,220 --> 00:09:28,020
EMILY, HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO BEG
334
00:09:28,015 --> 00:09:28,835
ME FOR HELP.
335
00:09:28,844 --> 00:09:30,604
GORDON CONSULTED THE VAULT AND
336
00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:32,404
PICKED THIS AU NATURAL STUD TO
337
00:09:32,399 --> 00:09:33,709
BASE HIS MAKEOVER ON.
338
00:09:33,711 --> 00:09:35,061
AND THEN I GOT BUSY WITH THE
339
00:09:35,057 --> 00:09:36,397
"HOT PACKAGE" MAKEOVER TEAM.
340
00:09:36,403 --> 00:09:38,093
WE BOUGHT HIM NEW SOCKS, GAVE
341
00:09:38,094 --> 00:09:39,724
HIM THE ULTIMATE MIDAS TOUCH
342
00:09:39,717 --> 00:09:41,577
WITH SOME GOLD HOOPS, KICKED HIS
343
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,381
BROWS TO THE CURB, AND LEFT HIM
344
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:44,995
NAKED TO LET HIS BODY DO THE
345
00:09:44,998 --> 00:09:46,618
TALKING, AND IT HAD A LOT TO
346
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:47,070
SAY.
347
00:09:47,069 --> 00:09:48,589
>> O'Brien: IRRETRIEVABLY
348
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:49,168
HANDSOME.
349
00:09:49,174 --> 00:09:50,734
>> Beckles: AND HERE'S YOUR DAD
350
00:09:50,728 --> 00:09:51,448
NOW, EMILY.
351
00:09:51,452 --> 00:09:54,112
LIVE ON THE "HOT PACKAGE" STAGE,
352
00:09:54,110 --> 00:09:56,250
FROM CRAPPY PAPPY TO FOXY
353
00:09:56,250 --> 00:09:59,840
FATHER, HERE'S GORDON!
354
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:00,430
>> [ WAILING ]
355
00:10:00,427 --> 00:10:01,117
>> O'Brien: UH-OH.
356
00:10:01,117 --> 00:10:02,217
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.
357
00:10:02,222 --> 00:10:03,152
>> Roark: YOU GUESSED IT.
358
00:10:03,154 --> 00:10:04,164
DEATH WAS THE HEADLINER THIS
359
00:10:04,155 --> 00:10:04,905
WEEK IN HOLLYWOOD...
360
00:10:04,914 --> 00:10:05,614
>> MM. MAMMA MIA!
361
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,635
>> Roark: ...AND "HOT PACKAGE"
362
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:07,120
WAS THERE.
363
00:10:07,123 --> 00:10:08,503
>> I'M GONNA GET YOU THAT NEW
364
00:10:08,504 --> 00:10:09,894
MOMMY YOU'VE BEEN ASKING FOR,
365
00:10:09,885 --> 00:10:10,325
EMILY.
366
00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:11,713
>> Beckles: WE JUST FOUND OUT
367
00:10:11,714 --> 00:10:12,994
GORDON WAS BEATEN TO DEATH
368
00:10:12,991 --> 00:10:14,511
OUTSIDE OF THE STUDIO BY A GROUP
369
00:10:14,510 --> 00:10:15,300
OF JEALOUS MEN.
370
00:10:15,304 --> 00:10:16,694
AND IT MAY NOT REPLACE HER
371
00:10:16,685 --> 00:10:18,305
FATHER, BUT WE'D LIKE TO OFFER
372
00:10:18,307 --> 00:10:19,897
EMILY A FREE MAKEOVER FOR BEING
373
00:10:19,895 --> 00:10:20,965
SUCH A GOOD SPORT.
374
00:10:20,965 --> 00:10:21,785
>> [ SOBBING ]
375
00:10:21,793 --> 00:10:22,903
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
376
00:10:22,898 --> 00:10:24,308
>> O'Brien: AND THAT'S WHY
377
00:10:24,313 --> 00:10:25,873
EMILY IS "H.P."'s SMILE OF THE
378
00:10:25,866 --> 00:10:26,346
WEEK.
379
00:10:26,349 --> 00:10:28,489
[ WAILING ]
380
00:10:28,489 --> 00:10:29,559
UH-OH.
381
00:10:29,559 --> 00:10:33,009
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC MEANS.
382
00:10:33,011 --> 00:10:34,461
>> LET YOUR STROKE OUT JUST A
383
00:10:34,461 --> 00:10:35,121
LITTLE BIT.
384
00:10:35,117 --> 00:10:35,567
CASH.
385
00:10:35,565 --> 00:10:37,015
MIKE TYSON'S OUT BACK WAITING.
386
00:10:37,015 --> 00:10:37,455
MONEY.
387
00:10:37,464 --> 00:10:39,024
DOES MY NOSE LOOK LIKE IT'S BEEN
388
00:10:39,017 --> 00:10:39,567
SMASHED?
389
00:10:39,569 --> 00:10:39,979
CASH.
390
00:10:39,984 --> 00:10:41,644
LET'S BREAK THIS GUY'S THUMBS.
391
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:42,091
CASH.
392
00:10:42,089 --> 00:10:43,569
SOME BOOB IN WATTS COUNTY.
393
00:10:43,573 --> 00:10:44,403
DOLLAR SIGNS.
394
00:10:44,402 --> 00:10:45,472
INDEED, MY FRIEND.
395
00:10:45,472 --> 00:10:46,062
NO GOOD.
396
00:10:46,059 --> 00:10:46,539
CASH.
397
00:10:46,542 --> 00:10:48,482
>> SO I GIVE "RAZOR SHARPE" FOUR
398
00:10:48,475 --> 00:10:50,055
CHILI PEPPERS OUT OF FIVE.
399
00:10:50,063 --> 00:10:51,173
>> GET THE CASH.
400
00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:52,547
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
401
00:10:52,548 --> 00:10:53,408
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
>> [ GRUNTS ]
25068
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