All language subtitles for Clarksons.Farm.S01E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[theme song playing]

[Jeremy] It turns out
there's a good reason

why farmers always moan about
the weather.

Because it never does
what they want it to do.

Back in the autumn when I needed
a dry spell to plant my crops,

I got this.

[thunder rumbling]

It rained non-stop for eight
weeks.

And then in May when I
needed rain

to keep those crops
alive...

I got this.

The driest spring ever recorded.

The drought was certainly
not helping in this field.

The previous year
I'd planted it with rape seed...

but that had all been eaten by
beetles.

-Where's the rape gone?
-The flea beetle got it.

-[Jeremy] The whole bloody lot?
-[Charlie] Yeah.

There's no... There's... I
just...

[Jeremy] So rather than let the
field sit there doing nothing,

I'd come up with one of my

brilliant lockdown
brainwaves.

I've planted it
with pumpkins for Halloween,

-sweetcorn 'cause I like it.
-Yeah.

And sunflowers 'cause socialists

like to eat their seeds
apparently.

-Brilliant.
-So can you see them?

-No.
-Come on, don't be so negative.

No, there's pumpkins in there.

Oh, he's just pretending he

can't see them
to humiliate me.

[Charlie] I got one. There's
another one

and another one there.

I know, they're everywhere,
there's thousands.

Stop going, "Oh, I've found
one."

Look that's good, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And there look, pumpkins,
Halloween in the farm shop.

-The problem is, Jeremy...
-Yes?

We need to try and get some
water on them.

How are we going to water it?

Well, now you see,
I'm way ahead of you again.

I have bought a vacuum slurry
tanker.

-So you're gonna spray it on?
-Yeah.

[Jeremy] To me, the job was
simple.

Hitch the tanker to my tractor

and fill it up from my big
stream.

I love being in my Lambo.

It's like a hay fever capsule,
no pollen allowed.

Kaleb, however,

said the job would in fact be
difficult

as my tractor wouldn't be able
to reach the big stream.

Yes. Look at this.

Jeremy, whoa, whoa!

[wood crackles]

[Jeremy] Oh, well,
I think I've done it

rather brilliantly.

[Kaleb] Oh, Jesus!

-[Jeremy] Oh, yes!
-[Kaleb] Whoa, Jeremy!

If he says my tractor is too
big, I'm going to kill him.

Tractor's too bloody big!

Look at it, you're catching on
the tree.

It's gonna take the beacon off.

Your ideas!

[Jeremy] Right, no beacon.

Oh, this is tight down here.

But, you know,
you can't be a pumpkin farmer

without breaking a few branches.

Eventually after a half mile
drive

that took just one hour...

-[Kaleb] Keep going straight.
-[Jeremy] What the hell?

...I arrived at the stream.

Oh, ho, ho!

The mighty Lamborghini is in
place.

Was that skillful driving
or just plain luck?

The whole driving of that
was just ruthless.

You snapped the gate post.

-Have I broken a gate post?

-Yes! Snapped it clean off,
drove over it.

-Do come through.

-You're gonna upset these
people now.

It's a faux pas.

I bet you any money
they want pumpkins at Halloween.

Excuse me, do you do Halloween?

Yeah, I did this year. How come?

Well 'cause I'm growing pumpkins

and I'm just getting water for
them

and he's saying I'm being an
idiot

for growing pumpkins, but I'm
not.

He's blocking the footpath
for you, isn't he?

It's not a problem at all.

[Jeremy] Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much.

That's exact...
See. Have you undone this?

Yeah, it's undone.

God! The things we'll do
for fucking pumpkins!

Getting in was one thing.

If you're gonna say getting out
again,

it's just turn it round, go
back out.

Turn it round where?

Ah, we perhaps should've
reversed in, shouldn't we?

-That would have been...

-[Kaleb] Yeah, I did try and
like...

-You wasn't really listening to
me.

-But your hand signals, you
just do this.

I was like this. What's that
mean? Oh, turn around.

It could mean caterpillar,
it could mean snake.

I had no idea what you were on
about.

-[Kaleb] Right.
-That's in the stream.

Right, let's see if we can get
some water.

All I've got to do is do that.
Open that valve!

[pumping]

[Jeremy] Yes, I can hear it!

It's alive!

Any minute now
we're gonna have Tower Bridge,

we'll be sucked up this stream.

[Kaleb] There you are, look,
look, look.

-Oh, yes!
-Water for your pumpkins.

[Jeremy] With the vacuum tanker
full,

it was time to switch off and
disengage.

[thuds]

You fucking... You rural
half-wit!

[laughs] I pressed the wrong
button!

[Jeremy] There was then the
simple task

of reversing back the way we'd
come.

Which way do I turn the
steering wheel?

Yeah, I can't tell you how to
do it. You just have to know.

Yeah, but unfortunately I don't
know.

[Jeremy] Nevertheless, as we'd
been

working together for nine
months,

we figured that with a bit of
teamwork we'd solve the problem.

-Right hand down a long way.
-Yeah, but I can't see it!

[Kaleb] Look behind you then.
Now forward.

Whoa, whoa! Now come back.
Other way.

-Other way?

-You're gonna take the fence
out.

-Well, what do I do now?
-Forwards.

-Again?

-No, you got to get over that
way.

-[Kaleb] Wait!
-[Jeremy] What?

-You gotta get the whole...
-I can't see you!

You've got to tell me
right or left hand down!

I'm getting confused.

Oh, that's all we now need to
discover,

he does not know his right from
his left.

We're gonna be here a while.

-[Kaleb] Go forward more!
-[Jeremy] What?

-No, you got to get over that
way.

-What? Hang on.

-Come back.
-Other way?

No.

[Jeremy] Eventually Kaleb
came up with a suggestion

that was, in fairness, long
overdue.

-[Kaleb] Are you gonna let me
do it?

-[Jeremy] Yes.

If at first you don't succeed,
sod it, give it to a teenager.

Yeah, keep coming straight back.
It works, I knew it would.

Yeah, this is exactly what I
was gonna do

on my next run, so well done.

-[Kaleb] Come on you piece of
shit!

-[Jeremy] It's not a piece of
shit!

-Well, well, well...
-Well done, Kaleb.

-Thank you very much.
-That's very good.

You're very welcome.

[Jeremy] The trip to and from
the stream had taken five hours,

but now with
1,000 gallons of water on board,

I was back at the field...

and ready to give the whole
thing a damn good soaking.

-[Jeremy] Yes!
-Drive! Go!

I'm going. I'm going.

Look at it. Look at me.

I'm bringing life and nutrition
to my otherwise dead field.

And then I swing it round
at the bottom end.

[Jeremy] That's fantastic, look
at that.

Soon there will be pumpkins

growing in my wake and
sweetcorn.

[Charlie] He's run out.
He's run out of water.

Oh, hang on, where's the water
gone?

Look how you've run out of
water!

Are you seriously saying
that was all we got?

[Charlie and Kaleb] Yes.

-That's 1,000 gallons.
-[Kaleb] 1,000 gallons.

-[Jeremy] Four and a half
thousand liters.

-Four and a half thousand
liters.

And we did one and a quarter
runs.

Yeah. You've just put
a millimeter of rain.

[Jeremy] I've not put a
millimeter on!

That's effectively what that is.

You know, I mean it's
evaporated already

and blown away.

So, you know, effectively, well,
it hasn't been effective at all.

-He's so miserable.

-He is, but I'm with him on
this.

If we want pumpkins for
Halloween.

Well, that's answered the
question,

we don't really want pumpkins
do we?

Yes, yes. No because
we paid for the pumpkin seeds,

I've paid for the water bowser
thing.

But how do I make them live?

-You know, until we get a
meaningful rain.

-Yeah, yeah. When's the next
rain?

Well there's nothing in the
forecast

for another fortnight.

Fucking hell.

[Jeremy] That meant there was
only one thing I could do...

-Give Kaleb a hosepipe...

-[Kaleb] It's stupid ideas all
the time!

[Jeremy] ...and get an early
night.

The next day was important,

because soon everything in this
field

would be sold to make bread.

And everything in this field

would be sold to make Sunday
lunch.

And to make sure
I got the best possible prices,

cheerful Charlie
said I had to sit an exam.

-[Jeremy] Charlie, how are you?

-[Charlie] I'm very well. How
are you?

Good. This red tractor business?

Yeah, so you've got your
inspection this morning.

But then I've got to do it on
the phone?

Yeah, that's the Covid rules.

And the background is
this is the difference

between being able to sell your
produce at full market rate

or not having a discount.

So when a customer
goes out and buys something,

if it's got a little red tractor
on the package...

-Exactly.

-...that means that somebody's
checked

to make sure my farm
hasn't got feces all over it.

Correct, yeah. It's a serious
accreditation scheme.

And if I'm not all right,

then I can't sell
all my stuff at full price.

Yes, which will have an even

bigger effect on your profit for
the year.

[Jeremy] Soon, the Red Tractor
examiner called

and I began my first ever
face-Zoom-time meeting.

[Dave] Jeremy, how are you?

I'm very well thank you.
How are you?

And how do I get to see you?
Or do I not?

Um, I should be on your screen
somewhere in a little corner?

No. there's nothing. You're on,
video on, microphone on.

All apps don't work
and now the screen's dead.

[Jeremy] When we finally
reconnected...

Greetings, we're finally there.

...Dave, the inspector,

asked for a tour of the farm
buildings.

[Dave] Right, Jeremy, what's to
the right

of the hay and the straw there?

That is a massive scissor jack

that I used in Colombia to spot
condors.

And then there's some doors
over there

from a house that my colleagues
blew up.

[Jeremy] Dave politely
pointed out

that he wanted to
see farm equipment,

not old Grand Tour props.

[Dave] Where abouts
is your chemical store?

And where are the chemicals
currently?

Oh, they're over here
in a shipping container.

We thought shipping containers
are watertight and secure.

-Ready?
-Yeah.

Ta-da!

Oh! Oh sorry that might be an
Alfa Romeo.

-Yeah.
-Hang on.

It's...

[Jeremy] After this shaky
start...

Dave made me jump through hoops
for the rest of the morning.

[Dave] There's the can of
petrol on

the floor there Jeremy, what's
that for?

What's in the bags
that are there in front of you?

Any medicines that you use for
the sheep,

where are they stored?

What's the black bag we just
walked past?

Is there a red picket anywhere?

Are you gonna be using that shed
to store grain at harvest?

What make is that?
What does it say on that?

What do you do
for vermin control here, Jeremy?

Nick, the mouse murderer comes.
That's not his real name.

What's the batch number, please
Jeremy?

17318.

What's the math number
on that one, Jeremy?

19/2H.

76325.

/1549.

Zero zero zero zero zero B.

[Dave] Where abouts
are the sheep then, Jeremy?

-See my tractor?
-Yeah, very nice.

Ah-ha, chemical store.

Is there anything in there,
should any liquid get spilt,

is there anything in there
that can mop it up?

We've got a Bradley Cooper
and Jennifer Lawrence movie.

Is that something you'd be
interested in?

That won't do.

Yeah, so you need emergency
facilities,

which include sand, absorbent
granules,

a sump, an ability to retain a
spillage.

Who does the transportation
of the livestock?

Sometimes it's me.

[Dave] There's still
sort of animal muck in there.

No, that's just soil.
There's no animal muck.

Would you pick a handful of it
up and show me closer?

I can. Hang on. There you go.

The standard talks
about trailers being clean,

the trailer isn't clean.

[Jeremy] After a ticking off

about the chemical store and
the trailer,

which had a bit of mud
that wasn't feces in it,

Dave asked to see my filing
system.

[Dave] Do you have a soil
management plan

to hand there, Jeremy, at all?

Oh, no that's MMP no.

What was the question?
I've forgotten.

Is this the first audit

you've been involved with,
Jeremy?

[Jeremy] Eventually with
my phone battery on 2%,

I had to cut to the chase.

[Jeremy] David, what I really
wanna know,

I appreciate there are two
things that we've got wrong,

the sand pit and the muddy
trailer,

but are we gonna be okay?

Yes.

[Jeremy] This made me very
proud.

I've done a thing!

Sadly though,
there was no time to celebrate

because the next emergency
beckoned.

Putting some wet into my
wetlands.

[Jeremy] I mean look at the
cracks.

-[Kaleb] Yeah. On the plus side,
though.

-What?

Grass is worth a lot of money
at the minute.

-Is it?
-Mmm, hay.

-Hay.
-Is it?

Cut some hay, bale it, put it
in the shed.

Guarantee, 'cause no one's had
a very good cut.

Well the sheep's had most of
the hay away.

-Yeah.
-Which you don't like again.

No, I mean, if you'd have not
had the sheep, cut that for hay,

you'd have made more money on
the hay

than you would have the sheep.

-I haven't made any money on
the sheep.

-Exactly, you've lost loads.

But what would you have lost
if you'd cut it for hay?

-Nothing.
-Exactly.

And there's my point again.
Fuck the sheep.

[Jeremy] Kaleb Attenborough and
I then turned our attention

to the watering solution system
I'd bought.

Solar powered water pump.

That's not gonna work, is it.
Be realistic.

I don't think it is either,

but I'm going to give nature a
chance.

God has provided us with this
power station in the sky

and we're going to try and use
it.

Let's just lie them down for
now, that's a good idea.

This should fire up the pump.

I'm about to lower an

electrically powered
object into a pond.

-Ready?
-[Kaleb] Go for it.

-You could piss faster than
that.

-That is just lamentable.

-You know what the solution is,
mate?

-What's that?

Internal combustion.

It's the solution to everything.
Speed and power.

[Jeremy] I therefore
went shopping

and soon we had
some meaty hoses.

And a generator that ran

on the amber nectar that is
petrol.

[Jeremy] Solar power, my arse.

-[Kaleb] Um, problem.
-[Jeremy] Oh!

[Jeremy laughs]

-Can you go and get it for me?
-Yeah, of course.

No, that's stuck fast, mate,
sorry,

nothing I can do about that.

Oh, you bastard!

Well you got me in the tractor
the other day, that is payback.

Fuel, pump on, choke on.

-Um, right.
-Yeah, you ready?

[Jeremy] Here we are
demonstrating that once again

solar power is no match
for internal combustion.

There it is. There it is. There
it is!

Okay, that's pretty wild
actually.

-[Kaleb] That's not really
working is it?

-What do you mean?

It's too powerful.

It's taking all the seeds and
the soil into the river there.

This is really hard work
holding onto it.

-Oh!
-[laughs]

Fucking hell! No, shut it down.

Right, as I've always said,
speed and power doesn't work.

Solar power's the answer.

And so...

Come on, Kaleb,
we'll let Zeus do his job.

-Got to come back down in 15
minutes.

-I know.

And water here and turn round
and move the pipe.

[Jeremy] With the wetlands
sorted,

I plunged into my next
project.

Planting some trees for the
government.

Which in the driest May on
record

is not the sort of job your
right leg will thank you for.

When Monty Don does this...

it always looks so incredibly
easy.

The government announced that
by 2025,

it would plant 125 million
trees in the UK

and everybody
said that's fantastic!

And it is.

But where are all these trees
gonna come from?

You'd have to import them from
abroad and if you do that,

you get abroad diseases
like Ash dieback

from Scandinavia

and Dutch elm disease from
Canada.

And then that kills off all the
trees that are already here.

And who was gonna plant them?
125 million trees!

You can't even get people

to pick strawberries in this
country.

And selfishly, there's another
problem.

You know what I just thought of,
if I plant a tree,

by the time it's an actual tree,
I'll be dead.

So I'm doing all this work

for a bunch of ingrates and
millennials.

I need to speed this up.

We're managing to plant all
these trees

with just two track vehicles.

The dump truck, the van and the
lorry. That's all we're using.

A tree!

-And this is the exhaust pipe.
-This is the exhaust pipe.

So this is an irrigation
and an aeration tube.

So it's putting water
around the edge of the roots.

-So it's got holes in it.
-It's got holes in it.

And how old is it? Five, ten
years?

-Probably about 40-years-old,
I reckon.

-Is it?

And this is what I've ended up
with, 20 new trees.

Good for insects, good for
birds, which will nest in them.

I don't normally like trees,

but I like these ones 'cause
they've all got exhaust pipes.

As May came to a close,
there was still no sign of rain.

So we did everything we could

to look after everything in our
care.

We built some shade for the
trout.

I moved water about non-stop.

Kaleb stood around with his
hose.

And Charlie monitored the
vegetables

I'd planted in lockdown.

It's not ideal conditions, but
you know,

we've got the farm shop,

we need something to stock it.

We've got Swiss chard, we've
got beans,

broad beans, we've got swedes,

we've got turnips, we've got
leeks.

Whatever you want,

we're growing it up here, or
trying to.

I think it's gonna be a real
challenge.

[Jeremy] But the biggest
challenge

was the state of our main crops,

as Charlie pointed out
on our next field walk.

-So this wheat.
-And if we come down,

you can just see now
that we've got quite a lot of...

Brilliant, that's a whole loaf
of bread just gone.

So we've got rust coming on the
bottom.

-We've got what?
-Rust.

-So it's a type of disease.
-What, like a Lancia?

Exactly.

But the main problem at the
moment

is at this end of the plant,

we need these lovely white

fresh roots to keep growing with
the moisture.

-And there isn't any moisture.

-'Cause there isn't any
moisture.

I mean we've been in lockdown
now

for six, seven weeks,
haven't we?

It's just because I came to see
this rust.

-Yes.

-But we've been in lockdown
for...

-And it hasn't really rained,
really.

-No, well, about two months.

Yeah, two months.

It was the same parched story
everywhere.

He's ripped up another bit.

It's just getting a little bit
stressed, moisture stress again.

-So they become a bit waxy.
-How do you know?

-Oh, I see, so the white stuff?
-The white stuff.

So the white stuff is just like
a wax,

so it's just protecting itself,

So the leaves are curled.

So it's stressy
when it's got white stuff on it?

Yeah. And the leaves are curled
to try and reduce moisture.

[Jeremy] Ah! So curling round
is bad?

-Curling round is a bad sign.
- Stress.

[Dave] Stress, these crops are
stressed.

[Jeremy] The water shortage
was a serious problem,

but it wasn't the only thing
that was bothering me.

I was doing this thing the
other day,

I was watching Kaleb
spraying something or other.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

How long can we keep just
spraying fields before they go,

"Actually you know what?
I've given all I can give"?

-The crop?
-Just the soil.

Isn't it a bit
like saying to a footballer,

right you've done
the whole Premier League season,

now you're immediately going on
to play

in the Southern Hemisphere

and you've got to give just
as much

there and then straight back.

They're not gonna last very long
as footballers.

So that's why we have a
rotation.

So we grow different...

But we do wheat, barley, rape.
So there's no real...

But the rotation breaks up
the rotation of chemicals.

And we're not just pouring on
chemicals

just for the sake of it.

I appreciate it. We're doing it
for all the right reasons.

Feed the world, keep the crops
healthy.

Long term though, some people
are saying,

I mean they're probably
scaremongers,

but nevertheless,

they're saying that in this
country

we only have 90 or 100 harvests
left

before the top soil is dead.

-Am I allowed to be a bit
worried?

-It's only right to be worried.

[Jeremy] Once Charlie and I
had finished the crop walk,

I turned my attention to a
murder mystery.

Normally my hens look like this.

But in the last couple of days,

they'd started to look like
this.

And I just worked out what was
going on.

This is a pastoral scene, you
would agree.

All the sheep rubbing up against
the henhouses.

There's nothing pastoral about
it, though.

Because what they do is
they open the henhouse doors.

Not making it up, they rub
against the catches until...

No, the blue one,
they've opened it, come on.

There you go.

Come on, clear off.

Look, they rub themselves
against the catches

so the door opens
and the hens can get out.

I wonder why they do it?

The only reason I can think is
that

they're bored and they
just think,

"Hey, girls, let's just go
and let some hens out

"and see how far they get

before they're eaten by the
fox."

I mean the foxes live in a hole,

I can see it actually from here,
in that hedge.

Basically they're living
opposite a branch of KFC.

The sheep know the foxes are
there.

They know the hens are here.

It's just a game to them.

[Jeremy] Kaleb, however,
dismissed my theory.

As we built a fence to stop the
problem,

he said the sheep were rubbing
themselves on the henhouses

because they were hot and itchy.

Which meant it was time to
shear them.

-Well, they basically live in
this field.

-Yeah.

Well there's a story to tell
there, isn't there?

That's green and that isn't.

[Jeremy] So I gave Kevin
from the NSA a call

and he was keen to hear
how I'd got on with the lambing.

[Jeremy] Overall, all the lambs
have survived, except one.

[Kevin] Well that's good.

[Jeremy] I did put my hand
up one's bottom by mistake.

-I bet you've done that.
-No.

It was an honest mistake.
I wasn't doing it on purpose.

-[Kevin] Is this your friend?
-Yeah, this is the one.

I think this is the one
I went up the back,

'cause every time I come,

she comes and looks at me like,
"Please don't do that again."

-Yeah, but because there's
people here.

-I've apologized.

[Jeremy] Soon, Ellen the
shepherd arrived with a mate.

The sheep were rounded up in
their pens...

and a blizzard of shearing
began.

-God look at... Does that spin
round then?

-Yeah.

Oh, I've found it.

-What if you get your finger in
there?

-They'll come off.

That's bloody...

I'm gonna cut my hand off if
I...

-Why do they have that?
-[Ellen] So you can move it.

'Cause otherwise you wouldn't
be able

to get over all the bumps

-and the bends of the sheep.
-That's lethal.

-You pull them out upside down.
-'Cause then it's easy.

You can get straight on
and start clipping them.

Just saves you time.

And this is done mainly
for welfare reasons, isn't it.

I mean 'cause they'd be too hot.

They'd be too hot and it's more
likely

they'd get maggots as well.

[Kevin] Right, you're looking
for a job, I assume.

[Jeremy] Kevin then set me to
work rolling up the fleeces.

All right. Throw it out.

Can you tell which was the back
end from the neck?

-I reckon that's the back.
-No, that's the neck.

-[Jeremy] Yeah, I knew that.
-A bit of poo there look.

[Jeremy] Yeah, that's shit,
yeah.

[Kevin] Need to take
any poo off like that,

roll it up tight, bring your
neck round

and stuff it in there.

That's a nice one.

This one was crapping...

How's it got crap
at the back and the front?

Look it's crapped everywhere.
It's got it on its feet.

I immediately decided
rolling wasn't for me.

I want to have a go at that.
Can I do the next one?

If you want. So you get her
head.

And get her tail.

And they're gonna bend towards
each other

and you're gonna step back.

No, no!

Right. First of all, I've got
to be calm.

Give them no sense that I'm
gonna

roll them on their back in a
moment.

Just talking to you. Sheep
psychology. Here we go.

-She already knows you're after
her.

-Of course she does.

Stay calm, Kev, stay calm.

Let's have no panicking from
you two.

Okay. Put your hand on her chin.

I've done a thing.

-We got her.
-Well, yeah, but she's on me.

The next move is head.

I'm gonna get kicked.

Ow, it's got me in the testes!
Oh, that's it. Right.

[all laugh]

I can't wrestle sheep.

To make life easier,
Ellen pulled a sheep out for me.

So you want to put that leg
up your bum crack.

-Up my bum crack?
-Yeah.

-Where do I put her head?
-Her head stays forward.

That side. Oh, God! Oh look,
I know I'll settle her down.

Where are you going
on your holidays this year?

There you go, now we've got
a relaxed relationship going on.

Whoa! In the inner thigh!

Fucking hell, that's impossible.

I couldn't believe the idea
of holding a sheep down,

already you need to be
an octopus to do that,

already you need eight legs
and you need to be strong.

-[Ellen] Yeah.
-Then it's lying there,

thrashing its head around,
looking for a weak spot in you,

while you're operating a thing

that would have your hand off
as quick as anything.

I mean, the old dog
I thought was impressive,

and now you're more impressive

-than your dog.
-[laughs]

[Jeremy] After the shearing
debacle,

I was put back on rolling
duties.

And how did you spend the day,
Jeremy?

Well ripping dingle berries
out of shaved sheep's coats.

Because this is
a sheep related enterprise,

I suspected it wouldn't be
financially rewarding either.

I know there's Covid,
so there's no exports to China.

Nobody's building houses,
so nobody's buying new carpets.

And nobody wears wool clothes
anymore

'cause everybody wears
tracksuits and football shirts.

So how much
am I gonna get for that fleece?

That probably I'd say 30 to 40p.

So, if there's 77 sheep.

£30.80.

£30.80 is what I'm going to get
for all this wool!

Yeah.

Ellen is £1.75 a sheep,
her mate's the same.

I then get 40 pence for what
they produce.

Mmm-hmm.

Kev, this is a bam business.

Yeah, but we're not doing this
section now

really to make money are we.

It did in the olden days.

Think about it half a million
sheep

in the Cotswolds in the 12th
century

and there were only two million
people in the whole country.

Sheep outnumbered people

back then four to one in
Britain.

Yeah, I mean if you look round

at some of the towns around
here,

they got unfeasibly large
churches,

that's because all the people

that made their money out of
the wool,

felt they needed to give to the
community

and just built massive churches.

Yeah. There, we've got massive
churches and big houses.

Why do people wear tracksuits?

Why don't we make tracksuits
illegal?

And football shirts, illegal.
Illegal.

You can only wear woolen
clothing.

We're right behind you.

-Right, no more tracksuits.
-Woolly underpants.

Woolly underpants.

As Ellen and her mate
blitzed through the sheep,

I got a visit from Gerald,
who'd also been to the shearers.

-All right, Gerald.
-Hello.

I didn't think you'd be
with the herds out here.

That's the area with all the
shit on.

I can finish it off if you want?
I've got the shit.

[laughs] Yeah, I know.

I reckon now
you'd pick whatever

or whichever one tank to put on
each tree, haven't you?

And not disturbing them,

I would have thought
they'd have went to Manchester.

Another thing I found two years
ago on the subject...

Oh, yeah.

But, you know, with the old
back,

it's a terrible job, that is.

You got bloody hoses
fetching out there

in the place where your pond is.

Find no animals at all round
here now.

You're better off with the dirt.
You can't do that with animals.

Yeah. Right, I'm gonna roll
this up.

Nice talking to you Gerald.

As the afternoon wore on,

the valueless fleeces kept on
coming,

until eventually all we had left
were the two rams.

Wayne and Leonardo.

If he writhes around now...

Funny thing is the real Wayne
Rooney,

when he goes to the barbers,

he normally comes out with more
hair

than he went in with, but not
this one.

With Wayne and Leo
sporting their new BNP haircuts,

it was time to down tools
and crack open a beer.

I don't feel like
I quite earned it though,

I've got to be honest, 'cause I

didn't really master sheep
shearing.

Yeah, but as the host,
it's always good

to have a beer
with the shearers

to say thank you for all the
hard work.

Yeah, but they brought the beer,
so I'm now feeling bad.

You didn't tell me about the
need

to bring beer to a sheep
shearing,

and he didn't tell me that sheep
have two holes at the back.

-Well, you know that now, don't
you?

-Oh, yeah.

You learned that one.

[Jeremy] With the beer break
over,

there was still one job left.

Move the sheep to their new
field,

which was on the other side of
the farm.

And given that I hadn't been
much help all day,

I volunteered to take point

and steer the flock from the
front.

-[sheep bleating]
-Come on, girls. Come on, girls!

Come on girls, you're going on
a road now.

-Welcome to my world, the
highways.

-[sheep bleating]

"Baa" to you too. No, no, not
there.

[Kevin] Don't let them go by,
Jeremy!

No, you've overtaken me. Whoa,
slow down!

-[Kevin] You're in front,
Jeremy!

-No, no, whoa!

[Kevin] You've got to be in
front of them!

That's not gone terribly well.

-[Ellen] Come here!
-[Kevin whistles]

Where are you going?

-[Ellen] Lie down!
-[Kevin] Come on, girls.

Well, they've just...

Now they're just trampling the
crop now.

-[Kevin] Come on, girls.
-Well, walk on the margins.

They all think they're Russell
Crowe.

[whistles]

-[Jeremy] Come on, girls!
-[Kevin] Come on, girls!

[Jeremy] Come to me.
This has not gone well.

-[Kevin] Come on, girls.
-There's the dog.

The dog contributing slightly
to this, mostly me.

Come on, girls!

Don't do that. Don't do that.

No. No. No!

-[Ellen] Wait. Come by.
-[Jeremy] Right, watch the dog.

[Ellen] Come by, come by,
come by! Come by!

[Jeremy] Come on dog, get them
back.

Good dog. There they go.

-[Ellen] Get on.
-[Jeremy] Go on labradog.

[Kevin] Come on, girls.

[Jeremy] They're now going
in the right direction.

-That's a great sight.
-[Ellen] Not a bad view, is it?

-[Jeremy] It's lovely, isn't it?

-[Kevin] That's the beauty of
this job.

See something like that
and it just makes you smile.

[Jeremy] Eventually after a
fraught

but visually stunning journey,

the sheep were at their
destination.

This is the very field where I
first had

the idea to keep sheep.

I thought they'd be a cheap and
easy way

of keeping the grass down
ecologically.

But seriously,
I could have done this field,

mown it completely
in the tractor in an hour,

would have cost me a tenner in
diesel.

But no, Jeremy knows best.
I shall keep sheep.

[laughs] What was I thinking of?

I quite enjoyed having them
though.

So, the newly trimmed sheep

were now equipped to deal with
the heat,

which is more than could be said
of my new trees.

Even though we were watering
them constantly,

they were all shedding their
leaves and dying.

And it was the same story
everywhere.

I'd be harvesting the crops
in six weeks' time.

And the big question was would
they all

just be shriveled husks by then?

Give me anything, grow
something, make something.

-I am growing things.
-Do something.

Now we have to have an
enforcement case opened on us.

[car honks]

Are you fucking having me on?

Every single thing you can do
in the countryside,

you can't do in London.

Where am I?