All language subtitles for Clarksons.Farm.S01E05.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [country]

[singing along]

[Man on radio]
Chinese authorities

are stepping up
efforts to control

the spread of the virus.

In some parts of China,

orders have been introduced
limiting just one person...

...the Chinese Ambassador

criticized some countries
for overreacting.

He said this winter's
flu outbreak in North America

is more serious than
coronavirus.

[Jeremy] Right, maintenance.

Gate building.

Oh! Fucking hell.

[grunting]

Right, and there we are.

Bang on.

Oh, no.

That's not completely secure
is it? That's...

Look at that.

The gate didn't fit,

so I built a dry stone wall,
my first one.

I said, it's easier
to put a job like that,

and then you'll never be able
to hook that on.

[laughs]

You do what the boys do
round the track.

I got another thing or two,
just to go off the subject.

Just haven't we all...

[sheep bleating]

[Jeremy] Seventy-six sheeps,
bang on.

[Woman on radio]
Significant clusters

have developed in
South Korea,

Japan and Iran.

South Korea plans to test...

[Jeremy] There are very,
very few pleasures in life

as great as opening
the fridge door

and finding a surprise piece
of cold lamb in there.

Slice it up,

white bread,
thin layer of butter.

[Kaleb] And chutney?

[Jeremy] No, 'cause then
you don't taste the lamb.

[Woman on radio] ...Iran's
deputy health minister

has tested positive.

[Jeremy] Three, four,
five, six, seven.

[bleating]

[Jeremy] As February
gave way to March,

I figured there was really
only one thing

to worry about;

the impending birth
of my lambs.

But then, out of nowhere,

there was a second thing
to worry about.

♪♪

From this evening,
I must give the British people

a very simple instruction.

You must stay at home.

The coronavirus is
the biggest threat

this country has faced
for decades.

The virus is indiscriminate.

It doesn't matter who you are,
where you are,

or how old you are.

All parts of the country

are now on
an emergency footing.

[Jeremy]
With the whole country

in hibernation,

I decided to host
a socially distanced meeting

with the farm's
management team.

How are you?

Well, scared shitless.

Are you?

-You're 22.
-Twenty-one.

Twenty-one.
I'm pushing 60,

I've smoked
three quarters of

a million cigarettes.

I've had pneumonia,
so my lungs are scarred.

If I get it...

Yeah, there's not
a lot of hope.

It's a worry, this.

The only thing
I'm pissed off about is

I haven't had my perm done.

[Jeremy] What?

I haven't had my perm done.

Yesterday, I was gonna have
my perm done,

but it got cancelled.

[Jeremy] What,
by the hairdresser?

Yeah, because of
the coronavirus.

This was gonna be your
big new hairstyle.

It was, yeah, the next step
of the new Kaleb.

Yeah, well, I'm not sure
that's gonna make the news.

Anyway, the thing is,
we've been listed, weirdly,

you and me, as key workers.

So the government has said,

if you're involved in
food production,

-which we are...
-Yeah, yeah.

Farming...

...is still allowed.

I mean, it's so funny.

The government said
three weeks ago,

"We think that the idea
that British farmers

make food for British people
is old-fashioned and ridiculous.

Buy your food from abroad

and we'll just turn
the countryside

into a big nature park."
Now, watch 'em.

[laughs]

I mean, I just think
if we stay this far apart...

[Kaleb] All the time.

Disinfect the shit out of
everything,

keep camera crews
a long way off.

Well, you drive your tractor,
that Lamborghini,

and I'll drive my one.

That's not a bad idea,
actually.

That's a very good idea.
Our own tractors from now on.

-Key workers.
-Key workers.

We're gonna save the nation,
we are.

[Kaleb] Are you panic buying?

[Jeremy] I bought five tins of
sardines the other day,

-does that count?
-[Kaleb] Not really.

-[Jeremy] Have you panic bought?
[Kaleb] No.

♪♪

[Jeremy]
Whilst key worker Kaleb

got back to tractoring,

I headed to the nerve center
of our next big event.

Welcome, everybody,

to the brand new lambing barn
we've built.

The maternity ward, if you will.
Here they all are.

Seventy-four pregnant sheeps
in here.

We have Ellen, the shepherd...

Can you say shepherdess?

I don't whether you can
say that these days.

Anyway, the sheep expert,

she's gonna be here,
but not always.

So I need to learn

and I'm gonna learn
by watching her.

Think how many skills
I'll have then.

Power oversteer while shouting.

Midwife.

[Jeremy]
Job one was

to make sure
the expectant mums

were evenly split up in
the separate pens.

Seven, eight, ten, 12.

Now, why have you all
gone in there?

Why have they done that?

♪♪

[Jeremy] Finally, though,
everything was ready

for the arrival of
138 lambs.

And now, we just had to wait
for Mother Nature

to roll her sleeves up.

[bleating]

[Woman on radio]
There's been a big rise in

the number of people
in the UK

who have died of
coronavirus.

[Man on radio]
The Scottish government

has recommended wearing
face coverings

in limited circumstances
where social distancing...

[Jeremy] The days passed
and no lambs appeared.

But then, one morning,
as I was feeding the hens...

Stop fighting!

[phone ringing]

Hello?

What?

On our way, on our way.

Lambing. [imitating siren]
Lamb shed.

[Jeremy] Predictably,
one of the sheeps

had waited for Ellen
the shepherd to go home

and then decided
it was ready.

[Jeremy] There we go.

Going down.

[Lisa] And if you
edge closer then,

she'll get used to you.

[Jeremy] In an ideal world,

she should give birth
on her own.

I'm just here...

...as backup.

[bleating]

[Jeremy] She's trying.

Look at her.

Oh, God, something's
coming out of it.

[Lisa] Jeremy, make sure
it's the head first.

How am I supposed to see
if that's...

Oh, she's up. Oh, it's out,
it's out, it's out.

Yes, look!

[Lisa] Aw.

[Jeremy] Oh, that is just
brilliant.

I am so thrilled.

That is a massive bag of blood.

Oh, my giddy aunt.

The whole process
is sort of incredibly sweet

and incredibly revolting,
simultaneously.

At the front,
every Easter card made real.

At the back,

I mean,
not even John Carpenter

has thought of anything
that revolting.

[Jeremy] Our fist
Diddly Squat birth

had gone well,

but the mother was carrying
twins, and worryingly,

there was no sign of
the second one.

There was obviously a problem

and there was no point
calling Kaleb for help,

as he'd made it very plain
he wasn't interested.

You know, sheep, I just don't
get on well with 'em.

Jeremy's got this to come.

You know, it's summer,
it's really hot,

he's really busy on the tractor
trying to get the corn in,

all of a sudden,
he sees in the distance

there's one sheep twitching.

So he goes, "I'll have
a look at that."

All of a sudden, there's maggots
dropping out of it, you know.

Or it's got its head stuck in
a fence and killed itself.

'Cause you know for a damn fact
it's gonna happen.

It's all good when they're
lambing,

"Oh, look at that cute lamb."
You wait.

Come summer, and they're all
getting out

and running around the place,

he's gonna go,
"Fucking sheep."

[Jeremy] Happily,
back at the barn,

Ellen had arrived in time
to sort things out.

So, we have got...

...a head and no feet.

[Jeremy] Ugh, is that
the problem?

[Ellen] There is a foot there.

Can you see that foot?
Yeah.

[Jeremy] What have we got there,
two legs?

[Ellen] Two legs and a nose.

[Jeremy] Are you just gonna
pull it out?

[Ellen] So, she'll do it
on her own now.

There you go.

So can you see
this fluid's quite dark yellow?

[Jeremy] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ellen] That means that

the lamb's been
a bit stressed.

-[Jeremy] Why?
-[Ellen] Probably 'cause

it was just taking
a bit longer to come out.

-[Jeremy] Is it all right?
-[Ellen] Yeah. It's fine.

So that last one
was probably...

-[Jeremy] They were jammed up?
-[Ellen] Yeah.

[Jeremy] It's like that bit
on the A40,

where the two cars
have to go into one.

[Ellen] Yeah.

♪♪

[Jeremy] Over the next
couple of days,

the ewe and lamb pen
slowly started to fill up.

[Jeremy]
Okay, out she comes.

Well done.

Look, nice straw.

♪♪

[Jeremy] And Ellen
schooled me well

in all the jobs
that needed doing.

So we just dip that in there,
like that.

Is that good?

[Ellen] As long as it's
covered in iodine.

[Jeremy] Admittedly,

some jobs
didn't go brilliantly.

No.

I think I've gone in its anus.

[Jeremy] And others
left me speechless.

[Ellen] So I'm ringing them,

so putting a ring
on their tail

so that when they're a bit older
and it gets hotter,

they're not gonna get flies
around their bum.

Okay, so docking their tails?

Yeah, and then castrate
the males.

Sorry?

Castrating the males.

The top lambs.

Castrating 'em.

What, you're cutting
their balls off?

Not cutting 'em off,
but we'll ring 'em.

[Jeremy] What does that do?

So, that'll cut
the blood supply off

and that'll make them fall off.

[Jeremy] Their bollocks
are going to fall off?

-[Ellen] Yeah.
-[Jeremy] Why?

[Ellen] It'll stop them
breeding with their sisters

when they're older.

[Jeremy] No,
I'm not doing this.

Look at him,
he doesn't like that.

[Ellen] So, it won't hurt him
for long.

-[Jeremy] What?
-It'll make it numb.

It does hurt for long.

How long will it be
before they fall off?

A couple of days.

They're...

[sheep bleating]

I'm not surprised, mate.

Oh.

I mean, he's just been born.

"I'm a man, I've got
everything I need."

Oh, no, she's put
a rubber band round them.

[Ellen] You wanna go back
to Mum?

I couldn't chop a creature's
bollocks off.

Couldn't you just segregate
the men and women sheep?

You can, but they will have
fun times with each other.

-What, the men sheeps?
-Yeah.

-The-- Mount one another?
-Yeah.

-Do they?
-Yeah.

So, you know Leo and Wayne then,
now they're in the field,

will they be having
a go on each other

when we're not looking?

[Ellen]
They won't all the time,

but every now and again,
they might.

But they still know what to do
when it comes to the girls.

Are the ladies...
Do they do it, as well?

Not as much. No.

[Jeremy] So there's very few
lesbian action then?

[Ellen] Yeah.

So it's not like the Internet.

♪♪

[Jeremy]
Eager to escape from

Little Bo-Peep's
torture chamber,

I went out into the fields
and fired up

something called the roller.

The most Thunderbirds-y
farm machine

in my entire arsenal.

Oh, I want...

I was gonna say,
I want one of these.

I've actually got one of these.
I like it.

Why haven't I used that before?

♪♪

[Jeremy] Today, I was doing
important work,

because I've come up
with an ingenious plan.

This bit of field
was gonna be spring barley,

but I think there's no point
really growing that.

Two reasons,

number one,

all the pubs and restaurants
are shut,

so demand for beer is way down

and that's what
spring barley makes.

And number two, well,

it was such
an incredibly wet winter,

a lot of farmers
are planting in the spring,

spring barley,
so there'll be a glut.

Huge amount of product
chasing a very small market.

♪♪

[Jeremy]
So, despite warnings from

Kaleb and Cheerful Charlie

that my thinking was idiotic,

I was going to plant
four acres of vegetables,

on the basis that
in a lockdown world,

veg from abroad
would soon be in short supply.

So, what I'm trying to do here

is break up these big,
very dry bits of mud

to make a very good seed bed
for my new vegetables.

It does slightly worry me
that I'm gonna get this virus.

I read the other day that 90%
of the world's 570 million farms

are run by either
one man, or one family.

So if that man or family
gets the virus,

the farm dies.

Farmers are actually being
urged to keep diaries,

so that if somebody
is able to come

and take over from them,
they know what to do.

But I mean, what do I write
in a diary?

Who do I tell?

Everybody's sitting at home
watching Joe Wicks,

wiping their arse on their
lavatory paper.

♪♪

[Jeremy] Eventually,
the preparatory work was done

and a couple of days later,
the vegetable sets arrived,

along with Jethro Tull's
old planting machine.

If you come round the back,
I'll show you how it works.

Okay, you have three people
sitting here

underneath this weather cover,

being pulled along
by a tractor.

The vegetables
are stacked up here,

you take one off,
pop it into this little V here,

then the next one in that one,
next one in that one.

A chain drives that round

and then the vegetables
are planted

underneath your seat.

Just one small problem.

Two-meter separation.

Hmm.

[Jeremy] But first,
there was another problem.

What are you doing?

There's not a chance in hell
you can have that on that.

-No.
-[Jeremy] Why not?

Look at the width of it.

-[Jeremy] What?
-Look at the width.

Oh, so the tires
are gonna crush.

-Yeah.
-Yeah, we lose too much earth.

So you'll plant one trip,
you'll turn round,

come back down

and then your tires
are gonna be

flattening the bits
that you've just planted.

You want that little Fergie
in the shed on it.

[Jeremy] So the little
red tractor would work?

-Yeah. The little red tractor.
-[Lisa] My Massey.

Do you want to go
and get your Massey?

Might have to get you
sat on the front,

or me sat on the front
for extra weight. [laughs]

Oh, I'm planting in the back,
I'm not driving?

Yeah, I'm driving.

-Are you?
-Yeah, yeah.

-Have you decided already?
-I have. I'm the tractor driver.

Well, let's have a vote.
I'll drive.

I'll drive.

I'm famous for driving.

Yeah.

[Jeremy] Having hitched
Mr. Tull's veg machine

to Lisa's
60-year-old tractor

and wheelied it
to the field...

...we were ready for an
afternoon of quiet farming,

the old-fashioned way.

[Jeremy] Here we go.

[machinery squeaking loudly]

[Jeremy] Not sure if my hands...
my arms are going to come off.

[Jeremy] A hundred
excruciating yards later,

we stopped to check
the results.

There's one here.

There's one there.

We're actually planting food.

I've no idea what the food is.

[loud squeaking]

[Jeremy] After we had been
rendered completely deaf

by the endless squeaking...

[loud squeaking continues]

♪♪

...it was a blessed relief

to get back
to the maternity ward.

Unfortunately, though,

I was there on my own.

Oh, God.

This is a sign,

pawing the ground
is what they do

when they're about to
give birth.

Not now, please not now,
please not now.

Please wait for Ellen
to get here.

Hold on.

Hold on, sheep.

[bleating]

[Jeremy] Oh, God.

I knew this would happen.

I knew it would happen.
I'd be up here by myself

and one of them
would start giving birth.

A head's coming out.

All right, girl, okay,

here on my own.

Look, can you see?

There, it's coming,
you're coming.

Where's the feet?
I'm gonna grab the feet,

there's only one out.

Come on, sheep. Oh, come on.

[grunts]

Where's your other leg?
Come on.

There's your other leg,
there you go.

Round we come.

There you go.

There we are.
Oh, you're alive!

I did a thing!

That's worked.

See, look at that,
no epidural,

no, "Ow, ow, ow," no shouting,
"I hate you, I hate you,"

just quietly and calmly
got on with it.

Oh, hello, here we go,
a second one has arrived.

Oh, my giddy aunt.

Yes, come on,
come on, come on.

Round you come,
round you come.

Let's get in your mouth,
there you go, you're alive.

You're alive,
I've done another one.

Oh, look!

Come on, let's get you
out your bag.

Come on, Mother.

Come on, Mum. Come on, Mum.

Yes, look!

-[lambs bleating]
-[Jeremy imitates bleating]

That is now 22 minutes old

and walking.

It's like watching
a Ford Cortina

start in the 1960s.

Yes, urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh.

God, in normal times,

I'd go and celebrate this
in the pub.

But all the pubs are shut.

♪♪

[Jeremy] In truth,

there wouldn't have been time
to go to the pub anyway.

Because that evening,

the lambs started to arrive
thick and fast.

Oh, come on, come on.

Yes! Yes! You live!

[Jeremy]
And they kept on coming,

long after the film crew
and Ellen had gone home.

[bleating]

So it's the middle of the night
and there's been a lamb,

I just saw on the CCTV camera,
that's just been born here.

[bleating]

Right. But we've
run out of beds.

With Lisa on camera
and me building new pens,

things were going quite well.

But then...

Oh, there's a lamb out.

There's another one there,
look.

There are lambs everywhere.

[Lisa] Jeremy,
this isn't her baby.

[Jeremy] Well, that's...

[Lisa] No, she's attacking
one of them.

She's getting very distressed,
that's not her baby.

[lamb bleating]

Look, it's butting it,
darling.

[Jeremy] Come here, sweetheart,
come here.

Come here. There we go.

But where do we put it?

It's got no mother.

Incredibly, the lamb
continued to be convinced

that the attack ewe
was its mum.

So before this turned ugly,

I had to find the real mum,
and fast.

Twin, twin, twin.

Twins. Twins.

[Lisa]
If these are all doubles,

there's one there
with only one.

Do you reckon if
I put her in there?

-[Lisa] Yes.
-[Jeremy] Yeah.

[Lisa] Yeah.

She won't let her feed
if it's not hers.

[Jeremy] Exactly.

[Lisa] Okay, that's good.

[Jeremy] So, somehow,
that lamb got into there.

That was scary.

God, it's a good job
we came up.

Forty-two, 43, 44, 45, 46,

47, 48, 49, 50.

There's exactly 50 left
that haven't given birth.

So we're not even
halfway there yet.

[laughs]

♪♪

[Jeremy] Whilst my life
was being run by the sheep,

key worker Kaleb
was spending

every waking hour
in the fields.

♪♪

This meant
he was able to spot

all the mistakes I'd made

when I planted the crops
four months earlier.

Including what appeared
to be a massive Brazilian.

♪♪

Why didn't that bit grow?

[Kaleb] Because you didn't
turn the fan on

to let the seed come through
to put it in the ground.

Well, how does the fan know
to come on there

and the other end then?

I'm surprised, to be honest,
you got that far,

'cause it'd have been
beeping at ya.

Oh, it did beep. Oh, is that
where it was beeping?

[Kaleb] Yes,
18 and then 18 again.

[Jeremy] Then he started
moaning about

the tramlines I'd made

for his crop sprayer
to drive on.

So when I stand
in the middle of

this tramline here.

-Right in the middle, yeah?
-[Jeremy] Yeah.

I wanna walk
24 meters that way.

[Jeremy] Yeah.

And then I should be
in the middle of

the next tramline over.

'Cause you're saying
your spray thing...

[Kaleb] Yes,
when I'm coming down the tram,

I'm doing 12 meters that side,
12 meters that side.

However,

'cause you're an idiot
and you didn't listen to me,

I've now got
18 meters that way,

so I'm gonna have to turn
one section of the boom off

so I don't scar the crop.

[Jeremy] Determined to prove
that this was a one-off error,

I started measuring
the distance to the next one.

Six, seven.

[Kaleb] Missed a bit there
as well.

[Jeremy] Ten...

Twenty. Twenty-one.

Twenty-three, 24.

[Kaleb] And it's
all the way over here.

[Jeremy] Twenty-five,
26, 27, 28. 29, 30.

Right, this,
there's a bit...

I'll admit there's
a bit of a space there.

Oh, no, wait,

it's here isn't it?

Yeah. What's that, 40?
Was that 40?

It's about 34, 35 meters,
this one.

But I did solve the problem.

[Kaleb] Go on.

[Jeremy] Well, you know
you were worried

that people on the main road

would see these tramlines
all in the wrong place.

-[Kaleb] Which they did.
-What?

-[Kaleb] Which they did.
-No.

-Yes.
-No, 'cause I didn't

trim that hedge.
Ha-ha.

Look, here comes a van,
right?

Watch, here comes the van
behind the rape, he's going,

"Oh, that's good rape,
that's good rape."

Gets to this field
and he's thinking,

"Oh, I wonder how
he's done there

and I can't see, can't see."

Look, he can't see it,
his window's below the hedge.

Come on!

That's how you solve problems.

♪♪

[Jeremy] Mercifully,
a couple of days later,

the key worker had something
other than me to moan about,

because his seed drill broke.

[Kaleb] Look at
the little red thing

at the bottom.

Right in the bottom,

see the little red thing
that turns?

-Yeah.
-Rats have chewed it.

Rats, what,
they jumped up from there?

[Kaleb] They climbed up
into the hopper.

Well, how did it climb up that?

Not even Sylvester Stallone
could climb this.

[Kaleb] I don't know.

It's not a rat.

It is, I swear on my life.

It is not.

If coronavirus wasn't here,

I'd jump up there
and I'd prove the point.

Talking of which,
have you seen Gerald?

No, I haven't. I think he's
properly isolating himself.

I can't even get hold of him,

I need him to build that wall.
No, he's just...

I think he thinks
his phone can pass it onto him.

[laughs] 'Cause he's not
answering.

♪♪

[Jeremy] So, Gerald
and the seed drill

were out of action.

And there was
another problem too.

It says here that
chickens have been stolen

from coops in Leicester,
Lincolnshire,

Yorkshire and Cardiff,

as people try to plunder eggs
during the shortage,

but actually, the eggs aren't
the problem.

These are.

Turns out there's only
three places in Europe

where egg boxes are made

and two of them
have been closed.

I mean, this is the kind of
little tiny consequence

of the quarantine
that you don't think about.

Where am I gonna get
my egg boxes from?

[Jeremy]
In truth, though,

the food story on the news
was rather bigger.

[Woman on radio]
Some supermarkets

have already
introduced limits

on the numbers of
specific items

that can be bought.

[Man on radio]
Buying more than you need

means that others
may be left without.

[Jeremy] So, the next day,
I made an executive decision.

The situation is,

there's massive panic buying
going on.

That's fallen over.

There's massive panic buying
going on

of food and bog roll
everywhere.

Huge queues at
the supermarkets.

So I thought I'd open the shop.

I know I'm not supposed to,

'cause of planning permission
issues,

but we've got
more important things

to think about right now,

to be brutally honest. Oh!

[sighs]

Look at that.
Everyone told to stay at home

unless their journey's
essential,

but it doesn't apply to
cyclists.

Obviously.

I got a car park now.

[Jeremy] Sadly,
it was too early

to sell the vegetables
I'd planted.

But I still had
plenty of potatoes,

which I'd put in
cold storage

when I'd been forced
to close the shop.

And once they were back
on display,

it was time to re-open...
COVID-style.

[Jeremy] Hello? How are you?

[Woman]
I am coming for potatoes.

[Jeremy] Good,
that's all I've got.

So I'll put these here

and then that is
the money bucket.

All right, a fiver.
Thank you.

Take care, see you soon.

£1.50. If you can
chuck that in there.

[Jeremy]
I know this is ridiculous,

but it's the only way
we could think to do it.

And then we put the money

in the deep freeze
for two weeks.

[Jeremy] After the first
couple of customers,

business was not
what you'd call brisk.

♪♪

So, like everyone else

in those early days
of lockdown,

we had to make the best
of what we had.

And what we had
was a new car park.

-Oh!
-Turns out, you're useless.

[Lisa] I'm just warming up,
watch this.

[Jeremy] I'm not much better.

New customer?
Is it a customer?

No, it isn't.

♪♪

So, potatoes,
how many have we sold?

-Today?
-Yeah.

Uh, £12.50.

[laughs]

I used to get paid
a bit more than that

on "Who Wants to Be
a Millionaire," you know.

-Did you?
-[Jeremy] Yeah.

Oh, no, look
what I've just found

in this puddle.

Some lady petrol.

This is about £12.50.

[Lisa laughs]

Which I've chilled.

Oh.

[laughs]

Life's shit,
but I'm loving it.

Oh, ho.

Yes.

A little bit of pneumonia

before the real pneumonia
gets here.

Right about now normally
would be Friday night.

Yeah, Friday night,
we'd be going to the pub,

group of about 20 of us,

somebody would have us
back to their house,

back to their house,

nice dinner.

Chat with friends.

Roll home about 2:00.

[laughs]

[laughs] These are
our new friends.

-This is it.
-This is self-isolating.

There's Rebecca,
Tony, Charlie.

Alex and Claire, look.

Yeah, that's definitely Alex
and Claire there. Emily.

[Jeremy]
There's Dom and Rosie.

♪♪

[Jeremy] Okay, pay attention,
sheep, pay attention.

[sheep bleating loudly]

[Jeremy]
That is the dawn chorus.

Yes.

Oi! Don't run into the...

What's that lamb doing here?

Where's your mother?

Right, this one's
just been born, obviously,

without anyone looking.

[Jeremy]
Of the 74 pregnant sheep,

49 had now given birth,

so the maternity ward
was getting a bit cramped.

Now, you're going in a car,
you'll like that.

Luckily, though,
some of the early arrivals

were now big enough
to move into the fields.

Come on, lambs.

Look at this,
all fresh grass.

Yeah, will you look at that!

Come on, babies.

-Come on, Red Two.
-[lamb bleating]

Oh, no, they're frightened.

No, no, no, come on, I know,

cars are good, but honestly,
you're gonna love it out there.

You'll like it, you will.

[Jeremy]
Look at you lambers.

These two here
are the ones I gave birth to.

Where's your mother gone?

You can't just be left,
the crows will eat you.

Well, they'll have your eyes.

Crows do genuinely do that.

Show a lamb like that
lying down, straight in,

they'll get their eyes out.

Next time I come out here,

I'm gonna have my piece,
that's for sure.

That's what you've gotta
worry about,

one lamb lying down
on its own.

That is just crow bait.

Are you okay?

Are you not...

[lamb bleating]

Here comes Mum.

Yeah, come on, Mother.

That's better.

This idyllic moment
was then interrupted by Ellen,

who needed me
back at the barn

to take part in a big lie.

Okay, now the problem is,

that sheep's given birth to
three lambs

and she's only got
two breasts.

So, what we have to do

is wait for
one of the other sheep

to give birth to one lamb,

then we take one of the three

and roll it around
in the new mother's juices,

and then hopefully,
that new mother will think,

"Oh, I gave birth to two"

and will rear
another sheep's lamb.

It's subterfuge, but...

I'm sorry,
I'm talking to you with...

[laughing]

I'm just...

♪♪

We kept the temporarily
orphaned lamb

fed until later that day,

another sheep gave birth
to a singleton.

[Jeremy] Okay,
out she comes, well done.

Then, the deception began.

Oh, yeah, so you just squeeze
all the fluid off her.

[Ellen] Yeah.

[Jeremy] There you go, look,
yes. What do I do?

[Ellen] Just pull it
and burst the sack.

[Jeremy] Okay.

There it is. Burst it.

Oh, Christ,
I've never done this.

Right, we've got
a bucket here,

so we need to put
one of the triplets.

-[Ellen] Yes.
-[Jeremy] And straight in?

[Ellen] Head and everything.

[Jeremy] Okay.

That's a nice warm bath
for you.

You've gotta get your head
under, I'm afraid, darling.

There you go.

Now, what have we gotta do?

So, if we give it her
like that,

it could get up and walk away
and she won't lick it.

So we need to
tie its legs together.

-Tie its legs together?
-Yeah.

Oh, 'cause she hasn't
learned to walk yet, in theory.

-[Ellen] Yeah.
-I got you.

[Ellen] So this won't stay on
for long,

it'll just stay on until she's
started bonding with it.

[Jeremy] Okay.

[Ellen]
Triplet in front of her.

[Jeremy] Yeah,
here comes your child.

Your new child.

There you go.

She's licking it.

She's licking it.

Well done, you,
you gave birth to twins.

[bleating]

Back in the non-sheep world,

I was trying to do my bit
for the elderly locals

by donating some of my
seemingly unsaleable potatoes.

Hi, there.
No, that's close enough.

Yeah.
How are you?

Very well. I've brought you
some potatoes.

Fantastic,
thank you very much.

[Jeremy] Hello?

[Woman] Thanks.

Is Gerald all right?

Yes, but I think
he's gone off.

[Jeremy] Yeah,
I just haven't seen him

for a couple of weeks.

I thought, no pubs
and no Manchester United,

he might be having
withdrawal symptoms.

[Woman] Well, he has gone
a bit mad but...

Well, he can cook himself
some potatoes,

but as long as he's all right.

[Woman] Wonderful,
yes, thank you.

-Good.
-[Woman] Okay.

-See you soon. Bye.
-[Woman] Thank you.

[Jeremy] However,
it wasn't all peace and love

between me and the locals.

♪♪

These were some old hay bales
that we made into a silo,

so we could store grain

and stop kids joyriding
on this old airfield.

I'm not a detective,

but on the ground here

there are some Rizlas.

So what I'm thinking is,

a group of teenagers decided
to ignore the lockdown

and set my hay on fire.

And we know it is arson,

'cause they've set fire
to that one as well.

Morning, Charlie.

How far's the smoke going?

Well, it's blowing across
the main road to Burford,

because I was going
that way to...

[Jeremy] Oh, is that how
you knew there was a fire?

Yeah.

♪♪

[Jeremy] Kaleb then
had to stop crop spraying

to come and put
the fire out.

♪♪

This made him very happy.

[Kaleb coughing]

Fuck that.

I've started pushing it
off the concrete,

but my head feels like it's
gonna explode

and I feel really sick,
'cause the smoke

is blowing straight into
the cab.

It's just fucking annoying.

Some idiot come along
and goes,

"Oh, you know
what would be funny?

You know,
I'll go and start the bales

over there with a lighter."

And then they would have
walked off and went home.

'Cause they're twats.

♪♪

[Jeremy] Having listened to
Diddly Squat's

social services officer
for a bit,

I went to cheer myself up
by looking at the lambs.

[laughs]

Blue 32 is such
a violent animal, look.

All it wants to do is
hitting other animals.

[laughs]

I'm gonna run over there

and headbutt this one,
here we go.

[laughing]

That one is defecating
in the water bucket.

Why would you do that?

Why would you do that?

"Oh, I need a shit.
Oh, there's a sink.

Oh, yeah, lovely."

♪♪

Although a few ewes
were still pregnant,

120 lambs had been delivered
in just three weeks.

[Jeremy] What's happened
in the night is,

two more have been born.

One there and one over there.

Most of the births
had been a success.

Yes, look.

Some were touch and go.

[Jeremy]
She's not breathing.

Come on, breathe.

We're going.

Yes, Ellen!

I actually thought
that one was no good.

Whoa. [laughing]

She's fine.

And a few, I'm afraid,
didn't make it.

Stillborn.

Besides learning that
there isn't much dignity

in a lamb funeral...

...I discovered that
out in the fields,

some of the mothers
weren't always very motherly,

which meant calling in
a neighboring sheep farmer.

[Jeremy]
Is he drinking that?

No, he thinks he's
drinking it.

This little fella was found
in the field

about an hour ago,

he's been abandoned
by his mother.

And Jeremy here is shoving
a tube down his throat

to deliver glucose and,
effectively, SMA.

'Cause he is very, very weak.

We noticed the mother last week,
actually, in here,

wasn't being particularly good.

And now she's just
abandoned him altogether.

Come on, you little urchin.

[Jeremy] We were all hoping
that Jeremy's TLC

would have the little fella
back on his feet,

but as the day ended,

we decided he should be
transferred

to the intensive care ward.

Built a pen, fresh straw,
lit the stove.

And there you are,
look at that.

I'm just gonna put you
on this bed,

something a bit softer.

There we are.

Good lamb.

Right.

Three hours,
time for your next feed.

Throughout the night,
he grew weaker still.

Oh, come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Come on. Come on, you.

And although
we did eventually

get some nutrition
into him...

[Farmer] I can't see what else
you can do for him,

to be honest.

[Jeremy]
Well, it's a good feed.

In the end,
it was all to no avail.

The loss of a lamb was sad.

And it was also
a financial hit.

But paradoxically,

at least it wasn't as big
a financial hit

as it could have been.

[Jeremy] They've halved
haven't they, in value?

[Ellen]
They've dropped again.

[Jeremy] They're down to,
like I looked last night, £52.

[Ellen] Yeah.

[Jeremy] 'Cause
all the restaurants are shut.

Yeah, and those big chains
as well.

[Jeremy] Oh, can you
export them still?

[Ellen] No.

We can't sell them
to restaurants,

we can't sell them to pubs.

So a week ago,
a lamb was worth 100 quid

and now it's £52,
so it's halved.

[Ellen] Yeah.

Brilliant.

♪♪

On the plus side,

it had been a successful
lambing season.

[bleating]

Of the 138 lambs expected,

134 had been delivered
successfully.

Slightly scary to think
that the field is now littered

with little testicles
that have fallen off.

Despite the discarded testes,
though,

these lambs
had turned my farm

into a springtime
picture postcard

of what Britain can
and perhaps should look like.

I loved having them around.

Here in this weird little
lockdown Diddly Squat commune.

♪♪

A Second World War
underground air raid shelter.

If COVID-19 gets too much,
this is where I'll come then.

♪♪

I didn't break the brake light,
you've done that.

[Kaleb] No, honestly,
it was 100% you.

[Jeremy] What?
What do you mean, I did it?

[Kaleb] You were saying
one of my brakes was out.

[Jeremy]
We hadn't been allowed

to leave this place
for six weeks.

Stay in your vehicle, please,
stay in your vehicle.

And you know what?

I didn't want to.

♪♪

[laughing]

[Jeremy] It is genuinely
just about

the happiest I've ever been.

♪♪

But once again,

it was all about to go
horribly wrong.

It hasn't really rained
for six, seven weeks.

-No.
-[Jeremy] Come on, girls!

[groans]

[Charlie] It's not
ideal conditions.

The crop is stressed.

[Jeremy] Am I allowed to be
a bit worried?

I think it's gonna be
a real challenge.

♪♪