All language subtitles for The.Brothers.Solomon.2007.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

DEAN: A-a picture
would be good.

Right.

But we should use one
where we're smiling.

Nice.

"Two male brothers..."

Male?
That's implied through
the word "brothers."

I know, I just think
that we should be
ultra-clear on this.

About ourselves.
What's there to tell?

Well, Mom died
when we were young.

Raised by Dad.

Moved to Arctic at 10.

Summers in Antarctica.

Education?

Homeschooled.

PhDs.

Describe ourselves.

Upbeat. Positive.

Super--
Um, what's the word?

Duper?
That's it!

"Describe
your ideal mate."

Okay, what's the most
we could hope for?

Oh, I got this one.

Awesome.

This is gonna be great.
Heh-heh.

(THE FLAMING LIPS' "THE YEAH
YEAH YEAH SONG" PLAYING)

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah *

* Yeah yeah yeah...

* A-a-a-ah...

* Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah *

* If you could
Blow up the world *

* With the flick of a switch

* Would you do it?

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah *

* If you could
Make everybody poor *

* Just so you could be rich

* Would you do it?

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah *

* If you could
Watch everybody work *

* While you just
Lay on your back *

* Would you do it?

* Mm-hm

* Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah *

* If you could
Take all the love *

* Without giving any back

* Would you do it?

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah *

* And so we cannot
Know ourselves *

* Or what we'd really do

* With all your power

* With all your power

* With all your power

* What would you do?

* If you could
Make your own money *

* And then give it
To everybody *

* Would you do it?

* No no no no
No no no *

* If you knew
all the answers *

* And could give it
To the masses *

* Would you do it?

* No no no no no no

* Are you crazy?

* It's a very
dangerous thing *

* To do exactly
what you want *

* Because you cannot
Know yourself *

* Or what you'd really do

* With all your power

* What would you do?

64.89.

Can I just
write a check?

You're already
taken care of.

"Taken care of"?
By who?

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah *

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah *

* A-a-a-ah

I watched you
at work in here,

and I must say that I am
more than impressed.

John.

Thank you
very much, but I--

I really can't
accept this.

Can't accept what?
Your own groceries?

Heh. These are yours.
I don't own them.

The only thing I own
is the opportunity

to come in contact
with such an obviously
well-rounded

and fun person.

Should we go
to your car?

Uh, no. Thank you.

I don't mean to be rude,
but I just bought
your groceries.

Look, if you don't
leave me alone,

I'm gonna call security
and they're gonna
kick you out.

If afraid you're fighting
an uphill battle.

See, I'm a taxpayer,
and I can stand
wherever I want.

Taxpayers can stand
wherever they want.

Security!
Security!

You can't block
the door.

I don't care
how much tax you pay.

* A-a-a-ah

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah *

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah *

* Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah *

* A-a-a-ah

(WHISPERING)
Okay, you can do this.

Don't think
about past defeats.

Got to impress her parents,
gotta make a good impression.

Hi, Dean.

Oh.

I'm so relieved,
you look just like
your picture. Ha-ha.

Thank you.
It's nice to meet you.

(SIGHS) Oh...

that's so sweet.

I want you to
meet my dad.
Come on.

It's nice
to meet you, sir.

(**)

(EXHALES)

Well, I followed
your advice
to the letter,

and everything seemed
to be going great.

But then when I went in
for the kiss,

he got very standoffish,
very cold.

I'm sorry.

Do you think
I did something wrong?

By expressing
the greatest respect

you can show
a woman's father?

That can never be wrong.

Yeah.

So did you go
to the store?

Yup.
Spent like 200 bucks.

Get any numbers?

No.

But I did manage to get
thrown in store jail.

What?

Yeah. Apparently,
in the store's eyes,

I was annoying
the customers.

Did they know
you're current
on your taxes?

Oh, they knew.

And they still
locked you up?

(SCOFFS)

Well, I guess
I don't understand
the dating scene.

I know.

It really is
a mystery to me.

But you know what?

We've got nothing
to be sorry about.

I did the best job I could
at being me today,

and so did you.

I love learning
from you.

And I love teaching you.

MACHINE:
First message,
sent today at 1743.

I switched it
to military time.

Heh. That's great.

MAN:
This is Dr. Mettler

from the Arctic
Ice Data Bank.

Just calling again about
those core-sample reports.

I'm on it.

About 10 degrees.

(EXHALES)

MACHINE:
Second message,
sent today at 1143.

MAN:
Hey, this is Jim
from Movie Time Video.

I'm just calling
to remind you that
you still owe us $23

in late charges
for Ulee's Gold.

Great, now the video store
is pissed.

MACHINE:
Third message,
sent today at 2043.

"2043." I love it.

Yeah, it's like space time.

MAN:
Dean, John,
this is your father.

I'm down at
Ajax Community Hospital.

I was feeling sick
so I came in
for a few tests,

and I'm afraid
I have some bad news.

Devastating news,
actually.

I just want you boys
to know how much
I love you

and how proud I am
of you both.

Please come as soon
as you possibly can.

Oh, my God.

(**)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(ENGINE REVS)

(GLASS BREAKS)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(HORN HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(HORN HONKING)

(DOOR CHIMES)

Excuse me, ma'am,
we just found out
our father's dealing

with medical issues,
possibly dying,

so we really need
to dispute this
late charge quickly.

Do you mind if--?
Go ahead.

Great. Heh-heh.

Have a movie time.

Hi, uh, we got a call
about some late charges
for Ulee's Gold,

but we paid
the charges already.

What's your last name?
We don't have time!

Our fa--
Solomon. Solomon!

Says you're all paid up.
So don't worry about it.

Great! Thank you.
Thanks.

In fact...

it says you have credit
for one more movie.

If you like movies.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Hey.

You can't park
that here.

JOHN: Dad.

DEAN: Oh, Dad.

He seemed
to be doing fine,

and then,
like 10 minutes ago,
he lapsed into the coma.

Well, not even
10 minutes.

More like seven.

Or even six.

We got here
as soon as we could.

It's not good.

His coma?

No, his coma's fine.
It's a strong coma.

That's not surprising.

Dad does everything
all the way.

DEAN: He's amazing.

He can take even
the most negative thing

and turn it
into a positive.

He's definitely looking
at this situation right now

as being half alive.

Yes, he seemed
very upbeat

for a man slipping
into a coma.

He told me
how very proud he was
of both of you,

of his work
for the government,

of the story
of meeting your mother,

and of her tragic death.

He told you all that?

He spoke very fast.

Remarkable man,
with very few regrets.

"Few regrets"?

Try no regrets.

No, he said something
about how he wished

he could live to see
his first grandchild,

or I forget
how he said it.

You know,
if you'd been here,
like, five,

even four minutes
earlier--

We're very aware
of the time line.

Hi, Dad.

Lookin' good.

Lookin' real good.

It's too bad there aren't,
like, coma pageants.

Right, John?

John?

Sorry.

I was thinking about
what Dr. Wong here said.

John, Dad would've
wanted us to dispute
that late charge.

No, not about the late charge.
About the grandchild thing.

(MOUTHS) Oh.

Look, uh, it's not
an exact science,

but sometimes
people hang on

if they have some milestone
to look forward to.

Milestone?

Yes. Like an anniversary,
or a birthday, or a--

Or a baby
being made for you?

DR. WONG: Uh...

Well, maybe.

Wait.

How are we supposed
to make a baby?

I mean, we don't have
the best of luck
with women, John.

Dean, I know that.

But before, we were
trying to enter women
for ourselves.

This time,

we'd be entering women
for Dad.

(JOHN PARR'S
"ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYING)

Hands in.

"Make a baby for Dad"
on three.

One, two, three.

BOTH:
Make a baby for Dad!

* Growing up

* You don't see
The writing on the wall *

* Passing by

* Moving straight ahead
You knew it all *

(PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY)

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

You have got
a nice face.

Thank you.

Sure makes up
for that body.

What?

No. No, no, no.

I'm saying
that your face,

it makes up
for your body.

Thank you.

Hey, you've got something
right... Right--

No. You know what?
Uh, n--

Oh.

Chicken.

I gotta be honest, Erica.

I'm really feeling
a connection here.

I mean, you're beautiful,
impeccable dresser,

great personality,
nice hair,

fat, great smile,
smell good.

Have you ever heard
of the phrase:

"More cushion
for the pushin'"?

Yeah, why?

Because you got it, lady.

Here, lift up your napkin
for a sec.

Yep, you've got it.
There it is.

There it is.
(GIGGLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Are you ovulating
right now?

This is our first date,

and that's
none of your business.

I'm about to make it
my business.

(CLEARS THROAT, TAPS GLASS)

Can I--? Heh.

Michelle.

Make me the happiest man
in the world

and marry me.

(CROWD OOHS AND AAHS)

Are you joking?

I know. Isn't it great?

No.

(CROWD GASPS, GROANS)

(CROWD MURMURING)

What do you say
we get outta here,

and I go put a baby
in you?

Well, I don't--

No strings attached.

Oh.

You have no idea
how long I've
been wanting

to have a baby
like this.

I mean, this is like
a dream come true.

For me too.

A no-strings-attached
situation

in which, uh, I can
carry a baby to term,

have it, oh,
and then give it to
two wonderful people.

It's great.
Awesome!
You know what?

I'm gonna deliver
this baby to you
on a silver platter.

One hundred percent--
(HORN HONKS)

So she got hit
by a bus, huh?

Poor girl.

Yeah, the bus took
a pretty serious hit too.

I mean,
she was a large girl.

Comfortably in the 200s.

Oh, my God.
Sounds horrible.

Yeah.

So how was your date?

Well,

wasn't exactly an A-plus.

More like an A.

But don't worry.

I'm not
giving up just yet.

Still a lot more fight
left in this old bulldog.

God, this thing is gonna
be harder than we thought.

Come on, Dean.
Don't think like that.

I mean, yeah,
we're gonna have to
make some sacrifices.

But think about
all the sacrifices
that Dad made for us.

Remember that Christmas
Mom died?

Dad told us we could have
anything we wanted.

Where does Santa live?

He lives at
the North Pole.

I wanna live
at the North Pole.

Me too.

And what did Dad do?

DEAN:
He took us to the North Pole
and raised us there.

JOHN:
And when we were teenagers
and needed a date for prom?

Dad went out searching
for the most beautiful women
within 100 miles.

He almost died.

But the women he found!

Beautiful.

Oh, Qiqirn.

The times we had.

John, I am completely
back on board.

I can't believe
I ever thought
of giving up.

Oh, Dean, don't be
so hard on yourself.

You just said
"hard on."
I know.

Oh, Dr. Wong called
and he said that
we should start looking

for long-term-care
facilities for Dad.

I guess the hospital
kicks him out
after a certain point.

Really?
Well, I wouldn't
worry about it.

'Cause while you were
telling me that,

I found
the perfect place.

Really? Where?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

(DOOR BUZZER SOUNDS)

Hi. Delivery
for John Solomon.

He's not here right now.

Oh.

Sign here.

Okay.

Thank you. Ahem.

Bring it on in.

All right, uh,
this thing here is
a dialysis machine.

That's for the, um--
The, uh-- The kidneys.

These are
defibrillator paddles.

If the EKG
shows a flatline,
just rub 'em together,

put 'em on
the chest and:

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Heart should
get going again.

There's more
to know about that.

Take a class
or something.

That's, uh, coagulants
and anti-coagulants.

This is a blue thing.

Uh, the ventilator,
oxy tank and, um...

(SNIFFS)

A couple
intubation trays.

Have your nurse hook
those up.

You have a nurse,
right?
Yeah. Okay.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hold the elevator,
please!

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(**)

Visiting someone
on seven?

No.

Check it out, huh?

Stroll it. Heh.

No, I live there.

You do not.

You absolutely do not.
Where on seven?

704.
What?

I am 703.

You ever like
to go out for drinks?

Unwind after
a long day?

No.
Nor do I.

(DOOR OPENS)

JOHN: Dad's here!

Yeah, thanks
for telling me.

(MACHINES BEEPING NOISILY)

I wanted you
to be surprised.

Well, I was surprised.

By how you once again made
the best possible decision.

This is great.

Yeah, I thought he'd be
so much better off here than
at some medical shithole.

So much better off.

And because
of a factory recall,

I got a great price
on these machines.

I mean, yeah,
there might be some flaws
in some of these,

only time's gonna tell that,
but flaws equal savings.

Everywhere you look,
a positive.

Plus, I got a ton
of medical books

highly recommended
by Dr. Wang.

Oh, you mean,
Dr. Wong.

Dr. Wang.
It's this dentist I met
at Barnes & Noble.

Really knows his shit.

Oh.
Oh, my God.

I have some
really exciting news
to tell you about.

What? What?

Okay, okay.
I just met the most--

Is there any way to turn
Dad's machines down?

Well, I tried earlier,
but there doesn't seem to
be any volume switch on 'em.

You know,
at least that I can find.

All right,
it's just very distracting.

Yeah.

Anyway, I just met
the most gorgeous woman

I've ever seen
and guess where she lives.

704.

704. Oh, my God.

Oh, you gotta see her.
She is amazing.

Tall, super-skinny,
infectious speaker. She--

(EKG FLATLINES)

Oh, crap. You get
the circuit breaker,

I'll revive Dad.
JOHN: Okay!

Here I go.

(MACHINES BEEPING)

Clear!

(ELECTRICITY ZAPPING)

Did you get him?

Oh, I got him.
He's back.

Nice job.

God, I guess
we were using
too much power.

Maybe we should turn off
some of these lights.

(**)

All right. Yeah.
That'll be good.

Do you think it's safe
to turn the TV back on?

Oh, I think it's safe.

Yeah, see, with all
these lights off,

I think
you're totally fine.

Oh, shit balls!

(**)

WOMAN:
I'll be right there.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)
Okey-dokey.

(KNOCKS)

Hi.

(DOOR OPENS)

Ken, hi.

Hi. Can I help you?

John.

Of the elevator
and 703 fame.

Just wanted
to invite you to a lit--

Sorry,
if you can just--

Invite you to a little
romantic hallway dinner.

We already
have dinner plans.

Well, you know what?
I do this all the time,
so I'll get you next time.

We should go.

I'm starving.

(CHUCKLES)

You guys
look really nice.

Oh.

Who wants bubbly?

(CORK POPS)
Oh.

Hey, enjoy your dinner,
sport.

Already am. Heh.

You guys want some?

(JOHN FARTS)

Oh.

Excuse me.

(LAUGHS)

Champagne does it to me.

I think we maybe need
to broaden our search

to include
less conventional methods
of having a baby.

Like anal?

Well, I was thinking
more along the lines
of adoption.

Oh.

But isn't adoption
kind of cheating?

Look, we just gotta
step it up,

and that means exploring
every possibility, okay?

Yeah.

(MACHINES BEEPING)

You do realize
that adoption is
a huge commitment.

Yeah. We're ready.

So are you married or
just a long-term couple?

(BOTH LAUGH)

We're not gay.
We're brothers.

So which of you
will have custody?

Oh, we're gonna
tag-team.
Mm-hm.

I'm afraid
that's not an option.

Unless you're married,
one of you needs to have
full legal custody.

Uh, well,
in that case,

I guess, uh,
it'll have to be Dean.

Burn.

Can we have a moment,
please?

Thanks a lot.
You're welcome.

No, I was being facetious.

I do not want
this responsibility.

You would be much better
at this than me.

What?! I'm gonna be
a horrible father.

No you're not.
Much worse than you.

Well, I mean,
what if we get this kid
and it just sucks?

We return it.

You can do that?
Of course.

DEAN:
Why don't you just do it?

JOHN:
I have bad credit.

Uh, two questions
for you.

One: what is
your return policy?

Two: will bad credit fuck
our chances to adopt?

There's no return policy.

Ah.

And, yes,
your financial situation
is of paramount importance.

Do you have any pictures
of the kids?

Something that we can--?

Oh, Dean,
how 'bout that little guy?

DEAN:
No frigging way.
Under no circumstances.

He's got Bell's palsy
or something.

Yeah.

That's my son.

I'm sorry.

Bell's palsy is
the clinical term,
though, right?

He's clowning
for the camera.

God's special
little clown.

Get out.

(**)

Ta-da!

Wow, you look like
the real deal.

Thank you.

Wasn't a compliment.

Why'd you get
that thing, anyway?

Oh, I don't know.

I saw it on Craigslist
and I thought,
"What the hell?"

What's Craigslist?
Oh, it's great.

It's this website
that's got, like,
everything:

jobs, pets, cars,
ice-dancing suits.

I mean, you can find
anything there.

Anything?
Anything.

Anything?

Anything.

DEAN:
"Two brothers looking
to have baby.

Thank you."

Okay.

It's a little bare bones,
but if you like it,
I can get behind it.

"Thank you."

Send.

All right,
so what do we do now?

Now we just sit here
and wait.

Oh, I almost forgot.

This suit does something
a little unexpected.

Check this out.

All ri--

(EKG FLATLINING)

(GRUNTING)

(BARKS)

Nice doggy.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Oh, hold the elevator!

(LAUGHS)

(YELLS)

Oh.

We have gotta stop
meeting like this.

People are gonna
start to talk.

(SNICKERS)

Got a new generator.

Looks like it's already
generating some heat.

I gotta, uh,
go get my mail.

Cool, I'll hold
the elevates for ya.

Please don't.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

John?
(YELLS)

John, is that you?

Get in here!
Craigslist came through!

We got a response?
Yeah.

Her name is Janine,
and she totally wants
to do it.

I mean,
there's one little catch.

Oh, I knew it.
What is it?

Uh, she wants $10,000.

Ten thousand dollars?

There is a huge demand
for babies right now.

It's a seller's market.

Okay, well, I'll give
this Janine a call.

But I might try
a little negotiation.

(**)

Janine.
Hi, it's John and Dean
from the Craigslist.

Well, let me just start
by saying how happy we are

to have a baby
with you and--

Well, we were
thinking something
in the $20 range.

Won't budge off
the 10 thou, huh?

Okay, well,
then I am gonna have
to counter with $25.

Forty dollars. Fifty.

Deal!

Okay.

Twelve thousand
dollars it is.

Great, bye-bye.

Twelve thousand dollars?

Yeah, she really
brought her A game.

But you know what?
Who cares?

You know what
this means, right?

BOTH:
We're having a baby!

* I can see a new horizon

* Underneath the blazing sky

DEAN: You got your, uh,
defibrillator paddles there.

And heart machine.

This is a blue
medical machine.

This is a, you know...

That's a dialysis machine
for the kidneys.

Oh, and if you wanna
watch TV or something...

(MOTOR RUNNING)

Just throw on the generator
and you'll have plenty
of power!

Dean, we're gonna
be super late. Come on.

(MACHINES BEEPING,
GENERATOR RUNNING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(**)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(HORN HONKS)

JOHN: Wait.

You go comedy and drama,

I'm gonna go action
and foreign.

(TIRES SCREECH)

(KNOCKS)

Let me just start
by saying--

You got the money?
Yes.

(SIGHS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

So I guess
I'll go first.

Wait, I would like
to go first.

Dean, relax.
We're both gonna get
multiple shots here.

Whoa, whoa.
W-what do you mean
by "multiple shots"?

Well, egg fertilization
is a quantity game.

So our plan is
to literally blanket

your ovarian walls
with our sperm.

Uh...
We'll each
make love to you

until one
of our seeds sticks.

Not at the same time.
Taking turns.
No.

Yes. Yes.
John, then me.
Guys, wait.

Then Dean, then me.
JANINE: Guys.

Then Dean, then me.
Then Dean...

Then lunch.

Then me, then Dean,
then me a little bit.

I cannot wait
to feel myself
inside of you.

Guys! Heh.

Th-- The only thing
you're gonna feel

yourself inside of
is a cold Dixie cup.

Well, that certainly
doesn't make your vagina
sound very appealing.

I'm not talking
about my vagina.

I'm talking about
artificial insemination.

I see.

So a scientist gets to do
all the fun stuff

and we get stuck
with the friggin' bill.

Well, that sounds fair.

Janine, we are spending
a lot of money here.

Shouldn't we get
something out of it?

Yeah, y-- You get
a baby out of it.

That is a good point.

Okay.

Okay.

So I made an appointment
at the sperm bank
for tomorrow at 3:00.

Good times.
Awesome.

(TAPPING ON WINDOW)

MAN:
Janine, what the hell
is going on in there?

I heard guys.
Who's that?

It's my ex-boyfriend,
James.

James, I thought we agreed
we were taking a break.

And you already seeing
other people?

Who the fuck
are these guys?

Hi, James,
it's me, John.

And I'm his brother,
Dean.

It's nice
to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

The fuck
you doing in there?!

No, James, it's okay.

We're just working out
the details of a plan

in which Janine
is having our baby.

Yeah, we're all very
excited about it.

Oh, yeah. Heh.

I'm getting excited
just hearing about it.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't the three of us
get together sometime?

That way you can get
to know me

and I can beat
the living shit
out of both of you.

JANINE:
James, you better cool it
or I'm gonna call the cops.

You want me
to do that?

Baby, what you
talking about?
I-I just wanna talk.

Okay, fine.

Wait, can we--?
Can we vote on this?

I vote no.
I-- "No" here too.

Looks like
the "no's" have it.

Seems like a democratic--

James.

(WHIMPERS)

Have you been crying?

No.

JANINE:
You poor thing.

Let me get you
some tissues.
O-okay.

So which one of
you two assholes is
having a baby with my girl?

I am.
I am.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

How did you two meet?

Chat room,
motherfucker.

So, uh,

you're a-- A janitor?

Oh, that's right.

I'm a black man,
so I must be a janitor.

Motherfucking racist-ass
stereotyper.

It's just, you're...

wearing a...

janitor's outfit.

Oh, so a black man can't
just go in a thrift shop

and buy a janitor's outfit,

'cause he find it
comfortable on his nuts.

No, h-he can.

Especially a black man.

What do you do?

I'm a janitor.

Baby, why you
even doing this?

They need a baby
and I need the money.

It's that simple.

Okay, so we're gonna go.

Uh, give you guys
some privacy and...

We got a big day ahead of us
tomorrow at the sperm bank.

Yeah, we're gonna
need all our energy
for that trip to the--

Don't you fucking say
"sperm bank."

--fluid...

depository.

(SOBBING)

James, you know what,
I think you should
leave too.

James, can we give you
a ride somewhere?

Oh, ain't that a bitch?

So 'cause I'm a black man,

automatically I ain't
got no goddamn car.

(**)

The more I think about
our trip to the, uh...

bank,

the more excited I get.

Dean, I need you
to promise me

that you're not gonna...
yourself off tonight.

We're gonna need
every drop of...

we can muster
for tomorrow's trip
to the...bank.

Oh, yeah, well,
it's essential that
we fill Janine's...

to the tippity-top

with all the pearly white
s...erm we can conjure up.

If you two don't
shut the fuck up,

I'm gonna beat
the living...

out your fucking...

My place over there.

DEAN:
That's your house?
It's beautiful.

JAMES: Surprised?

I guess I should
be living in the ghetto.

JOHN: No, I think
what Dean's saying
is that he's surprised

you live in such a nice house
because you're a janitor.

Bingo.

But you wouldn't
be as surprised

if I was a white janitor,
right?

Not as surprised.

(**)

DEAN:
He really scares me.

And when you're done,
leave the cups in the room

and an attendant
will be by
to collect 'em.

We're not expected to fill
this whole thing, right?

Just do whatever you can.

Okay, good.
I had kind of
a big morning.

Dean,
I thought we promised
that we were gonna

hold off
till this afternoon.

Well, I'm sorry,
but there was

a Laverne & Shirley
marathon on TV

and I, you know,
was weak.

Well, I hope, for your sake,
that you are multi-orgasmic.

Well, I am. I swear.

I am like
the semen equivalent

of the Energizer Bunny.

I can have
so many orga--
She gets it.

(SIGHS)

So these are your rooms

and over here
is our magazine selection.

I'll leave you two alone
to make your decision.

Yeah.

DEAN: Wow.

Okay, so I guess
we got sort of
a breast theme there

and that has
more of a focus
on the vagina there.

But there's vaginal stuff
in the breast one, right?

Oh, yeah, there's plenty
of crossover, I'm sure.

Don't worry,
none of these are gonna

give short shrift
to the vagina.

Good.
So, uh, wait,
where were we?

Ah, Jug Junkies.

Right, breasts, vagina,
senior vaginal,

teen vaginal,
housewife anal...

(LAUGHING)
How'd that get there?

DEAN:
What are you doing here,
little lady?

All right, uh,
you go ahead
and pick first.

Let's see.

(WHOOSHES)

Oh! Dean going for
the Indigenous Weekly.

Gotcha. J.K. I know
that you probably
want this one.

(LAUGHING)
No. I don't--

Indigenous Weekly
back in play.

I don't want it.

Let's see... This.
Oh...

Okay. All right,
well, as tempted
as I am to get that...

(BOTH LAUGH)

Not.

I'm gonna take
the Jizz Junkies.

Okay. So bombs away.

(CHUCKLES)

Motherfuck!

(**)

MAN: Well,
we finished the procedure.

Janine will be out
in a minute.

And in about a week
we'll know if it worked.

So whose sperm
was used?

Well, we went in
with your specimen,
John.

Oh, really?!

But unfortunately
there was no motility
in your sperm.

I'm sterile?
Basically.

Burn.

So we went with
Dean's sperm.

Ha-ha.

Well, we'll see
who's laughing

when they spend
zero dollars
at the condom store.

(LAUGHS)

(**)

Well, I have
your results here

and I want you to know
that what I am
about to tell you

has been double-checked
by the lab.

I guess
you just never know

how you're gonna react
in that situation.

I just got so excited.

I mean,
we're gonna be dads!

(LAUGHING)
I know.

Wait, why the hell's it
so quiet?

Clear!

Wait a s-- I think
this thing's still on.

These are on too.

I think
they're all still on.

Dad's okay?

Yeah.

What the hell?

(WATER RUNNING)

Oh, hey.
I was just using
your bathroom.

Oh.

Your friend had
to go back
to the video store

so he asked me
to watch your dad.

Uh, I hope
you don't mind,

but I turned down
the volume
on the machines.

They have
volume switches?

Yeah.
Inside the back plates.

Oh, crap,
is the generator on?
The microwave--

Relax. I rerouted
the electricity.

Oh.

Oh, I hope
you don't mind,

but I helped myself
to some of your chili.

Tara, you need
to know something.

Our chili...

is your chili.

Thank you.

No, thank you
for watching our dad.

No problem.

(MICROWAVE BEEPS)

About that...

Do you guys know anything
about vascular pumps

or EKGs
or any of this equipment?

Very much.
DEAN: Much.

Very, very much.
Much. Much, much, much.

Well, I'm training
to be a nurse.

Wow, what an arousingly
selfless pursuit.

Um, anyway, if you guys
need any help, you know,

I need to watch
an intensive-care patient
for three months.

So if you were right
across the hall from me,

it would save me
a lot of hassle.

Deal.
Great.

And, as payment,

I will take you
on a series of
nighttime dates.

No, that's okay.

Um, I should go. Oh--

Do you mind if
I take this chili and
bring back the bowl later?

Just keep the bowl.
Thank you.

No. No.

That is our chili bowl

and you will
bring it back.

Understand?

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God.

So, what was
with the bowl thing?

Why take away a reason
for her to come back
to our apartment?

If she falls in love
with this place,

it's only a matter of time
before she falls in love
with this place.

And then...

this place.

John.

Of course
she should return
the chili bowl.

What do you think?
Should we tell Dad
the good news?

Yeah.

Dad? You've always
given us everything
we've ever wanted.

And now
it's payback time.

Dad, you're gonna be
a grandfather.

(**)

But, Dad...

we need a little
something from you.

We need you to stay alive
for nine more months.

We know you can do it

because you can do anything
that you put your mind to.

Well...

look who's
in the hot tub.

Oh...

That's good news
for both of us.

I was actually
just getting out.

* Almost paradise

* We're knockin' on
Heaven's door *

* Almost paradise

* How could we ask for more

* I swear that I can see

* Forever in your eyes

* Paradise

* Paradise

Talk about a wet dream.

You know,
you don't have
to tell me

each time
one of those happens.

This was a different
kind of wet.

But every bit
as satisfying.

(SNORING)

* Birthday,
Birthday, birthday *

* Someone's having
a birthday *

* A day of joy
and mirth day *

* Because it's
Jennifer's birthday *

* Yoo-deedlee-deedlee, doo

Whoo!

Happy birthday, Jennifer.

(APPLAUSE)

DEAN: Whoo!

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

Really? Oh. Um...

Happy birthday
to Tiffany.

A toast to the baby.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You can't toast
our future baby
with water.

You guys,
I can't have alcohol
if I'm pregnant.

Bingo.

That's baby-smart.

Dart it up?

Oh, Janine,
I wish you could've
seen our dad's face

when we told him
about the baby.

It was priceless.

It's really sweet
that you guys are
so close to your dad.

Yeah.
Our dad is the best.

I mean, when Mom died,
could've really
messed us up.

But he worked hard
to raise us

like every other kid
in a two-parent family.

You know, homeschooling,
puppetry-based sex education,

uh, friendship simulations,
the works.

I mean,
don't get me wrong,

I'm not happy
that my mom died.

Just, it's only because
of her grisly death

that we turned out
the way we did.

(YELLS)

You owe me $5.

No, I don't.

Ah, that is clearly
within two inches
of your nose.

This is in my nose.

Oh, okay. So I guess
your nose isn't within
two inches of your nose.

You're absolutely right.
Here is $5.

Congratulations
on a good win.

Thank you. Mwah.

Well, your dad
certainly gave you guys
a positive outlook.

Wish some of that
would rub off on James.

Aw, don't worry about it.
James will be fine.
I'm sure--

The cocksucking
newspaper machine

ate my motherfucking
quarter, man.

What the fuck?

(**)

First trimester.

And that's the nose
and mouth,

and there's an eye
right there.

JOHN: Beautiful.

Now, should we be
concerned at all that
we only saw one eye?

No, I'm sure
the other eye is fine.

How sure?
A hundred percent?

Well, I suppose
anything's possible.

So there's at least
a small chance

we're dealing
with a Cyclops.

Well, a Cyclops is
a mythical creature,
so no.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God.
Check it out, guys.

I'm about to give birth
to an ice cream sandwich.

Oh, I just
felt it kick.

Are you guys sure
you're ready for this?

Being a dad is a big deal.
You should be prepared.

Maybe spend some time
around kids.

Don't you worry, Janine.
We have a plan.

And if we stick
to that plan,

by the time
you poop that thing out
of your baby hole,

we're gonna be so prepared,
you won't even recognize us.

We'll be ready.

(**)

DEAN:
They're so cute,

I just wanna hug
them all to death.

I just wanna squeeze
the life out of them.

Yeah, you might
wanna control that.

Okay.

WOMAN:
Okay, Jenny, one more trip
down the slide. Just one.

Hello, young lady.
Wanna go get
some ice cream?

Yeah.
Great, let's go!

What do you think
you're doing?

We're getting ice cream.
You wanna join?

No, and my daughter
doesn't wanna join either.

Actually,
she does wanna join.

Yeah, Mommy,
I want ice cream.

Are we done here?

Jenny, come with Mommy.

I want ice cream.

Come with Mommy.

Hey, Jenny,
if you change your mind,
we'll be here in this car.

Nice. Reserve
the option for later.

Look at the tits
on that one.

Yeah.

He needs to lose
a few pounds.

Did you know
that childhood obesity
is the number one cause--?

Gentlemen.

Oh, hello, officer.
One second, please.

It's the number one cause
of early-onset diabetes.

You know what?
I think I did know that.

What can we do
for you, officer?

We've had
a few complaints.

Can I ask you
what you're doing
here today?

We're trying to coax that
little girl into our car,

but her mom's being
a real pain in the ass.

We're just kind
of waiting for a--
An opening.

Heh.

Get her by herself.

(**)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

And what is
your badge number?

"247726-A." Great.
See you in court.

Or should I say,
"Sue you in court"?

And please relay
that message to
924, 946 and 955.

Hello, Janine.

(GRUMBLES)

Glad you took
what I said to heart.

We took it very
to heart.

Extremely to heart.

Okay, you guys
just can't practice
on somebody else's kid.

I know how badly
you guys want this,

but wanting it badly
just isn't enough.

D-do you guys even know
the first thing
about raising a child?

Have you read any books
or done any research?

No.

But, I mean,

the cavemen didn't
read any books.

He's got a point.

The infant mortality rate
back then was,
like, 80 percent.

Well, that's pretty good.

No, that means
80 percent died.

Oh. I went
the other way with it.

This isn't a joke.

I'm not joking.
I seriously went
the other way with it.

(HORN HONKS)
If you guys are
gonna do this,

you have to stop
making decisions,

say, a head-trauma patient
would make,

and start making decisions
that a parent would make.

We'll take that
into consideration.

That's not good enough.

Okay, then we'll heavily
consider it.

(HORN HONKS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Can we focus?

Guys!

This baby is
inside of me,

which means I have
some say in this.

And if I don't think
that the two of you
can handle this,

you will never even lay eyes
on this child. Got it?

Yeah.

Got it.

Dean.

Hands in.

"Become kick-ass dads,"
on three.

One, two, three.

BOTH:
Become kick-ass dads!

(**)

It's all right,
you told 'em, baby.

Second trimester.

The baby's lost
and you gotta find it.

Go.

(**)

JOHN:
Fifteen seconds.

Where are you?!

Dean, you gotta
find that baby!

Got it, got it!

Oh, how'd I do?

Fifty-four seconds.

Nice.

Yeah, I think it died.

Crap.

It's all right.
Keep your chin up.

Bound to lose
a baby or two
along the way.

I love you.

Are you ready?

DEAN: Yeah.

(DOLL SQUEAKS)

It's not always
gonna tell us when
it's gonna jump.

You gotta think
about that.

There you go again,
making me a better person.

(**)

Good one, Dean.

Uh-oh.

Looks like
someone's diaper's full.

It crapped out, like,
$5 in quarters.
What the hell?

I thought it'd be
a good idea to condition
our brains to view

the diaper-changing process
as a positive experience.

Hm. Brilliant.

A friendship bracelet.

Chicken fingers.
And hot mustard sauce.

Mmm.

Popcorn. Mmm.

That's not all.

Ah!

What the hell?

I was just starting
to get comfortable
with it.

Yeah. I noticed.

What is that supposed
to mean?

It's important
to get comfortable,

but not too comfortable.

Oh, so now
I'm too comfortable?

Look, Dean,
this is not a game.

We're gonna see some shit
the likes of which
we've never seen before.

Odd combinations like
popcorn and dead bird

are gonna seem
like sugar and spice.

Just don't
get too close.

Fine.

I love you too.
Apology accepted.

DEAN:
Ready to see a fully
baby-proofed apartment?

It's called
the Super Baby Mat.

It rolls right up
and stores right
under the cupboard.

Hey, guys.

Check out the nursery.

JANINE:
This is really nice.

JAMES:
What the fuck is that?

Oh, that the fuck
is the crib.

The safest place
in the house.

Dean, a demonstration.

(SCREAMS)

Look out!

(YELLS)

(JOHN YELLS)

(BOTH GIGGLE)

See? Not a shard
of glass gets through.

Hey.

Oh, been doing some
diaper training, I see.

Yeah, that's Snickers.

Oh.

Ooh, does not smell
like Snickers.

No, uh,
Snickers is the name
of our neighbor's dog.

Oh... Ew.

Hi.

I can't really talk
right now.

Baby's sleeping.

It can hear me talking
through my chest cavity.

Really good
to see you.

BOTH:
Third trimester.

Looking good.

It's got all
its fingers and toes.

Should be very happy.

I'll give you four
a moment.

Hey, you guys wanna see
how that ice cream sandwich
is progressing?

Yes.

What is that?

Oh, I got this
last week.

It's one of those
temporary ones.

Just comes off after
a few laser sessions.

(DOOR OPENS)

I'm walking into
the apartment now.

I can still hear you.

Great.
Hey, Tara.

Hi from the car, Tara.

The inter-apartment
communication system
is a go.

Roger that.

Tell her the news,
good buddy.

Oh, yeah.
Tara, great news.

The ultrasound
went really,
really well,

so we are gonna go
to a celebratory movie.

And even more
great news,

Janine has offered
to look after Dad

so you can come
with us.

I have a book
I want to finish.

Are you sure?

Because I could
hold your hand

on the way to
and during the movie.

No. Just go.

Okay.
Janine, looks like
you're back in.

Shall we?

You know what,
I'm gonna use
the bathroom.

I'll meet you down
in the car.

Okay. Bye, Tara.

Bathroom's down the hall.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Look, I know you think
they're just a couple
of losers.

That's what I thought
at first too,

but once you
get to know them,
they're really great guys.

And I know they do
some weird stuff
sometimes.

Actually, all the time.

But their heart's
in the right place.

So, what do you say?

Yeah.

Great.
You'll go to the movie.

No, I meant, yeah,
I think they're just
a couple of losers.

Oh.

Okay. Heh.

Enjoy your book.

Mm-hm.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

(**)

This is all about
encouragement
and relaxation.

Just do it with me.
WOMAN: So partners

guide the mothers.
Breathe. Relax.

Help them focus.

Breathe together.

Faster.
You gotta pace it up.

No, don't listen
to a word John says.

Keep it slower.
Shoot for one breath
a minute.

Calm down. You heard
the bitch say to relax.
Calm the fuck down.

Do you have
to swear, honey?

Keep it slow.
That's bull.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Guys!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Cut that shit out!

(SIGHS)

(ALL SIGH)

Very good, guys.
That was great.
That's our class.

I'll see you guys
next week.

(ALL APPLAUD)
Thank you.

Hey, class?
Look who brought
their new baby.

ALL: Oh!

Welcome back, guys.
Thank you.

Hey, everybody.
This is Tyler.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Any advice
for the mothers-to-be?

Get an epidural.

(ALL LAUGH)

Uh, gosh.

Oh, what can I say?

Um, it's the most
magical moment.

(CRYING)
It's just wonderful.

I mean, the first time
you see this little guy.

And it's like
you're looking at
a little part of you.

You know?

I'm sorry.
Every time I talk
about it, I get--

Um, it's just
so powerful.

Ugh. You will see.

So does anybody want
to meet this little fellow?

Fuck it. I'll meet
that little motherfucker.

Guess I'll meet
the motherfucker. Sure.

Should we, uh--?
Yeah.

Think so?

Oh, uh, honey,
I'm gonna go
get the car.

BOTH: Surprise!

Ultrasound picture.

Thank you.

That's--
That's really sweet.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

We are already
so attached to this baby.

And here
it's been inside you
eight months.

I can't imagine how attached
you must be at this point.

And to think in,
like, two weeks

it's gonna be taken
from your body

and immediately placed
in our arms.

I can see why
so many surrogates
wanna keep their babies.

And your body could stop
producing eggs or something.

That happens
all the time.

And knowing
there's even a chance

that this could be
your only child,

and you're
giving it to us?

Well, a framed picture
of the very precious thing
you're giving up

is the least
we could do.

Thanks.

You know, I could stop by
every now and then and--

And help out.
I don't mind.

BOTH: Oh, no, no.

You've done more
than enough.
No. No. Yes.

Your work is done.
We'll take it from here.

Thank you.

Okay.

Group hug?

(**)

John?
What's the combination
to the fridge again?

JOHN:
Twenty-seven left,
32 right, 25 left.

Hey, and, you know,
I was thinking

that maybe we should
put some locks
on the locks.

In case the baby
learns the combination
to the original locks.

Hey, look at this.

It's a letter
from Janine!

Oh, that's nice of her.

Hand-delivered.

"Dear John and Dean,
I should start by saying

"what great fathers
I think you're gonna be.

Never thought
I'd say that
and mean it."

Did you hear that, Dad?

(JOHN CHORTLES)

"After months of
seeing your hard work
and dedication,

"I realize just
how badly you want it.

"Unfortunately,
last night you
made me realize

"just how badly
I want it too.

"It kills me
to write this,

"but I have
decided to...

"keep the baby.

I hope one day
you'll forgive me.
Janine."

Oh, my God.

Let's get dressed,
let's get dressed.

DEAN: Yeah, okay.

(**)

Tara, can you watch
our dad for us?!

We're going
to find Janine!

(TIRES SCREECH)

JOHN:
Oh, she's not here.

DEAN: Right.
JOHN: Let's go
to James' house.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

JOHN: They're not here.
DEAN: I don't know.

So, what do
we do now?

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh, hey.

Um, I was just
watching your dad

and needed to
use the bathroom.

Did you find her?

No.

But very thoughtful
of you to ask.

If that
thoughtful attitude
you displayed

was the attitude
of the world,
there'd be no war.

Uh...

Um, I should go.

Well, have a fantastic
whatever-you're-doing

and a great
whatever-you're-
doing-after-that.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

How can you be
so nonchalant
about this?

Because I know that
if this doesn't work out,
we have other options.

We have dick.

No, we do not
have dick.

We have Tara.

Well, I have Tara.

Tara?

Yeah. It's about time
that I took this thing
with Tara to the next level.

She's not
into you, John.

What?

She's not into you.

Can't you see that?

You're just jealous
of what we have.

Jealous of
what you have?

I already have
what you have.

Nothing.

She thinks you're a loser.

Oh, really?

And how did you come up
with your expert analysis?

From your combined total
of five hours

of relationship experience?

Because I heard her say it.

What?

I overheard
Tara talking to Janine.

She thinks you're a loser.

I mean, she thinks
we're both losers.

You know what?
Maybe she's right.

I mean,
maybe all that stuff

that Dad used to say
was just bullshit.

We're just too big
of losers to know it.

Really?

I've always been
such a loser?

I guess
I was a huge loser

when I was voted
our school's goddamn
homecoming king!

We were homeschooled.

You're just upset
because I beat you.

You tied me.

And I won
the tiebreaker.

Fine, you won.

You're less of
a loser than me.

But you're still a loser.

Well, if I'm
such a loser, maybe--

Maybe you'd be better off
without me.

Yeah. Maybe I would.

Good.
'Cause you know what?

I'll find her faster
on my own anyway.

Well, I certainly wouldn't
wanna slow you down.

Well, then maybe I should
get the hell out of here.

Yeah. Maybe you should.

Fine. Have a nice life.

I will!

Good, I hope
you don't die!

(SCREAMS)

(**)

(SCREAMS)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

(GRUNTING)

(JOHN PARR'S
"ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYING)

* Growing up

* You don't see
The writing on the wall *

* Passing by

* Moving straight ahead
You knew it all *

* But maybe sometimes

* If you feel the pain

* Find you're all alone

* Everything has changed

* Play the game

* Only you can do
What must be done *

(BABIES CRYING)

* I can see a new horizon

* Underneath the blazing sky

* I'll be where
The eagle's flying *

* Higher and higher

* Gonna be a man in motion

* All I need's these pair
Of wheels *

* Take me where
My future's lying *

* St. Elmo's fire

(CRYING)

(DEAN'S VOICE)
John.

Dean?

I am so proud of you.

(JOHN'S VOICE)
Thanks, Pop.

Isn't he great?

(WHIMPERS) Dean.

"Keep focused on
finding Janine,"
on three.

One. Two. Three.

Keep focused
on finding Janine!

(CRIES)

Oh, God!

(**)

(WATER RUNNING)

That's strange.

My shower's running.

It's strange
because I live alone.

Can I ask what
you're doing here?

I saw a sign out front...

that said
"Room For Rent.

"Wanted:

"one bullheaded brother

who sometimes
sticks his foot
in his mouth."

Yeah, well, I'm afraid
you're too late.

'Cause there's already
one bullheaded brother

who sometimes sticks
his foot in his mouth
renting this apartment.

Oh, yeah?

Who's that?

You're talking to him.

That's too bad.

Say, do you think
there's enough room
for me to crash here?

While I look for
another place willing

to take
a bullheaded brother

who sometimes
sticks his foot
in his mouth,

who's really,
really sorry?

I don't know.

Two bullheaded brothers

who sometimes
stick their feet
in their mouth

in one small apartment?

That doesn't sound
like it would work out.

Yeah.

How long are we talking?

Not very long.

Only the rest
of my life.

How much
you willing to pay?

Just all the money
in the world.

(SOBBING)
Come here.

God, I missed you.

I missed you too.

Hey, uh,
could I get you to throw
on a towel or something?

You got it.
Great.

How's that?
Great. Thank you.

Take a look
in that mirror.

There's not a man
on this earth I'd rather
have a baby with.

Hands in.

"Quickly towel off,
get dressed and
come up with a plan

to find Janine,"
on three.

One. Two. Three.

BOTH: Quickly towel off,
get dressed and
come up with a plan

to find Janine!

* Growing up

Wait, wait, hold up.

We gotta get Tara
to watch Dad.

Oh, yeah.
U-uh, look, I'll do it.

No, no.

This is something
I have to do.

Yeah.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hey, Tara.

Can you watch
our dad for us?

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I can.

Great, thanks.

Oh, w-wait a minute.

That's it?

Yeah, why?

You're not gonna ask me
to dinner or anything?

Hm, dinner.
Uh, it does sound good.

But no.

Oh, and also,
I'm over you.

Burn! Facial! Suck it!

(JOHN PARR'S
"ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYING)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

* Growing up

* You don't see
The writing on the wall *

* Passing by...

All right,
let's game plan.

Well, between the two of us,
we've already searched,

like, every place
she would logically be.

I know, she could
be anywhere. God.

I just wish there was
some way that we could
communicate with her

and say exactly
what we wanted to say

in a way in which
she didn't feel threatened.

Fortune cookies?

Interesting idea, but...

Fliers?
You're on
the right track,

but I don't think
we've quite hit it yet.

* Soldier on

* Only you can do
What must be done... *

Oh, my God.
Let's go.

DEAN: What a great
and delicious idea.

I agree.
Your engine cannot run
on optimum capability

if there's no gas
in the tank.

All right, so...

we gotta get our message
through to Janine, but how?

Yeah.

(AIRPLANE WHIRRING)

Oh, my God.
I got it.

It was right in front
of our face the whole time.

Yup, I got there a fraction
of a second after you did.

It is so obvious.

Let's go.

* Play the game

* You know you can--

Where you going?
The apple orchard
is this way.

Well, what does
an apple orchard have
to do with anything?

Wait, what were
you thinking?

I'll tell you on the way.

* Play the game

* You know
You can't quit... *

I can't believe
they charged us
50 bucks a letter.

That's why
we kept it short.

So, what do
we do now?

We wait.

* And you're trying
To break free *

* I can see
A new horizon *

* Underneath
The blazing sky *

* I'll be where
The eagle's flying... *

Oh, my God.
I think I see it.

JOHN:
"Hi, my name is John."

DEAN: "And I am
his brother, Dean."

"Hi."

"We've got
a little situation here,

and, boy,
could we use your help."

"How can you help?

"Well, sit back and relax.
We're about to tell you.

"You can start
by grabbing
a pen and paper

to write down
some information."

"We'll give you
a moment...

to grab...
that paper...and pen."

"We are sorry if we didn't
give you enough time

"to get the necessary
writing implements,

"but we are under
serious space constraints

with this sky banner."

"We are looking
for a woman
named Janine Rice.

She is five-foot-eight,
blondish hair."

BOTH:
"Blue eyes."

Hm.

"Oh, that really
narrows it down."

"Fine, Dean. Then how
would you describe her?"

"Well, she just looks
like a normal,

pretty American girl."

"Oh, that's much better."

"Anyway, Janine is
eight-and-a-half
months pregnant

"with our baby.

Well, fine. Dean's."

ALL:
"I have a problem
with sperm motility,

a subject Dean likes
to rub in my face."

"Okay, let me get in here
for a second.

"You make one little joke
about a guy's infertility,

and suddenly you deserve
to be labeled a jerk--"

"On a sky banner
that could potentially
be seen

"by 50,000 people.

That's fucking bullshit."

(JOHN'S VOICE)
"Dean, none of that
matters right now.

"What matters most is
that Janine sees this sign,

especially
this next part."

(DEAN'S VOICE)
"So for those of you
reading this,

we need to ask you
for just one more favor."

(MOUTHS)
That's bullshit.

WOMAN:
"Just in case Janine has her
back turned or something

and can't read the sign--"

"It would really be
a big help

if we could get you
to yell out--"

"'Janine, look in the sky.'"

BOTH:
Janine, look in the sky!

(LAUGHS)

Janine!
Look in the sky!

Janine, look in the sky!

Janine, look in the sky!

Think this maybe
might work?

I think this definitely
maybe might work.

(LAUGHS)

ALL:
Janine, look in the sky!

ALL:
Janine, look in the sky!

Baby...

I think you need
to take a look at this.

"Janine, hopefully
you're reading this
right now.

"There's so much
we need to tell you.

We never meant to come
between you and the baby."

"So we want you
to keep the baby,

"but we want you
to keep us too.

"Maybe if we had
told you that
in the first place,

"you'd never have left.

Hopefully
we're not too late."

"Oh, my God.
John, are you crying?"

"No, I have something
in my eye."

"Anyways, please,
if you have any information,

"we are offering a reward
of 500 doll hairs.

Just kidding,
dollars."

"Nice."
"Thank you."

JAMES: "You can
reach us on our
home telephone number...

"...which is
area code 545...

...162-43--"

What the hell?
They cut off our--

(GRUNTS)

Wait. Look!

DEAN:
"--56."

(SIGHS)

MACHINE:
You have one new message.

Message sent today
at 1443.

MAN:
Hey, my name's Matt
and I'm calling

about the sky banner.

I wanna propose
to my girlfriend,

and I need the phone number
of the banner place.

I'm at 555-0183.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh, hey, Tara.
We're home.

(CHUCKLING)
She loves that bathroom.

(MACHINES BEEPING)

Well, we did our best.

Yep...

and Dad knows that.

We got nothing
to be ashamed of.

Hands in.

(SIGHS)

What should we do
on this one?

I'm really
kind of stumped, like...

I gotta be honest, I...

don't know if I have
anything left in me.

Um--

How 'bout, "Janine's
right behind us,"

on three?

Oh, my God.

(**)
Janine?

I had to use your bathroom.
I hope you don't mind.

After all,
I'm peeing for five now.

That is, if the offer
still stands.

Oh, my God.
Do you mean it?

Mm-hm.

(SIGHS)
Janine!

Oh, sorry.

So you saw
our sky banner?

Actually, uh,
James did.

Hey, guys.

BOTH: James!

All right. Yeah.
All right, settle down.

Relax, everybody.
Back the fuck up.

Oh, I have
a little something
I've been saving

for a special occasion.

This seems
like the perfect time
to crack it open

'cause it doesn't get
much more special
than this.

Hey there, little one.
How are you?

We missed you so much.

Oh, here it is.

(AIR HORN BLOWING)

(GASPING)
Oh...my God.

What?
My water just broke.

JAMES: Oh, we gotta go.
We gotta go, honey.

Let's go.
I'm having a baby!

Quit blowing that thing
and come on.

JOHN:
Having a baby!

Dean, we're having a baby!

Wait, wait!
How are we gonna get
Dad to the hospital?

Oh, I'm on it.

911? Hurry!
Send an ambulance!

My father's dying!

(AIR HORN BLOWING)

(**)

We're having a baby!

(SIREN WAILING)

JOHN: Hold it in!
DEAN: Keep it in!

Suck it up there!
Oh, come on!

That's great!
Don't breathe!
Don't breathe!

Just breathe with me.
Just breathe.

That's it.

Where's the
fucking doctor?!

NURSE:
Get the doctor.

Hurry up,
she's having a baby!

NURSE:
Here you go, sweetheart.
How dilated is she?

Where's the doctor?
It's getting hot.

(JANINE GAGS)
Oh, Jesus.

My bad. My bad.
My bad.

Surprise!

Look who's here!

What the fuck?

Just trying to give Dad
a view of the birth.

Yeah, there's
too much blanket.

Ah, that's
the sweet spot.

Okay,
let's do this thing.

Okay, okay.
It's all right.
(GASPING)

It's all right.
Uh...

(BREATHING LOUDLY)
(JANINE GRUNTS)

DEAN: Breathe.

Push.

It's crowning.

Push, Janine.
Push, Janine.

DOCTOR:
One more push.
One more.

JAMES: That's good.
That's good, baby.

That's good.
Push!
It's coming out!

Come on.

That's it.
(GRUNTING)

The head is out.
The head is out.

Ha-ha! I see the head!

JAMES:
That's good.
It's all right.

One more big push, Janine.

Come on.
One more big push.

(SCREAMING AND GRUNTING)

NURSE: That's it.
Push hard. Push hard.

Look up.

DOCTOR: There it is.
Very good, Janine.

(YELLING AND LAUGHING)

(ALL CHEERING)
(GASPING)

Yes!
Oh, my God!
Ahh!

Congratulations,
it's a boy.
(BABY CRYING)

JAMES: Hey!
You had a baby!

Ah, you did it!
Proud of you!

It's a baby!

It came out of there!

We saw it!
DEAN: Oh, yeah!

JOHN:
We saw it come out--

Oh. (LAUGHS)

(WHISPERS) Oh...

(CRYING)

(SIGHS)

Now, that is
one beautiful baby.

Can we show
the baby to Dad?

Dad...

I'd like to introduce you
to your new grandson.

Dad, he's got your eyes.

(**)

DOCTOR:
Okay, let's get a picture
of the happy family.

One, two, three.
(LAUGHING)

(**)

Oh, and remember,

put the bungee cord
around your wrist

so when the baby
does a roof fall,
no harm done.

Oh, all right.

But never leave the child
alone with the cord.

Uh, where do I start?
Hanging hazard,

potential tripping danger,
autoerotic-asphyxiation
risk--

What?
Oh, yeah.

Kids are starting
really early these days
with that.

You might wanna
change that cord
a couple times a year.

Otherwise, the elasticity
just goes to shit,

and that's your
baby's ass, partner.

Thanks...James.

Thank you for
your business.
Okay, great.

Thank you.
They said there were, uh,

three number one causes
of c-child death.

What was
the third one again?

Whoa, Jesus!
Oh.

It's okay. He's fine.
He's in a coma.

Oh, I hope he lives.

Hope your baby
doesn't die!

Guard your baby
with your life.

Don't fuck up.

(**)

Thanks again.
Sure.

S-safety first, right?

Who's that over there?

Who's this, huh?

That's grandpa.

Can you say "grandpa"?

Dean, he's not gonna--

Grandpa.

JOHN: No way!
Holy fuck!

(LAUGHS)
Dean.

Don't swear.

Well, I'm sorry. I-I--

You just never know
how you're gonna react

when your baby says
his first words.

JAMES:
Well, be careful.

Babies are
like little sponges.

Sorry.

Fuck.

(SIGHS)

Didn't I tell you
this little motherfucker
was like a sponge?

No, no, no, no.

That's a bad word.
Bad word.

No, no. That's okay.
Say the other word.

(BABY CRYING)
Say the other word.

See? The other word--
The other word.

--will make you happy.
Say "grandpa."

Say "grandpa."

Grandpa.

(ALL LAUGH)
JOHN: Good boy.

GRANDPA (FAINTLY):
Grandson.

Grandson.

Dad?

Dad?

(**)

Oh, my God.

Ooh, look.
It's your grandson.

(LAUGHING)

Holy shit.

Holy shit is right, Dad.

We used every lesson
you ever taught us

to help get him
for you.

DEAN: He's a Solomon.
We even named him after you.

I'm so proud
of you boys.

You did good.

Hands in.

(SIGHS)

"Solomon family,"
on three.

ALL:
One, two, three.
Solomon family!

(THE MAGIC NUMBERS'
"MORNINGS ELEVEN" PLAYING)

* You're in denial

* You're in denial
And I know *

* Well, what's my name?

* Well, what's my name?
I don't know... *

JOHN:
Let's do this.

* Maybe I can meet you
In the morning... *

His head came off.

JOHN:
Okay, that wasn't
good enough.

But the baby's
still here.

What if it brought
a friend?!

Let's do this!

* Maybe I can meet you
In the morning... *

MAN: Action.

* You're in denial...

It's nice
to meet you, sir.

(CREW LAUGHING)

Tell all your friends
to come on over.

(LAUGHING)
It's the blue car.
It's the fun car.

We'll be right here.
Rain or shine.

Luckily, we're
both wearing raincoats.

Baby scramble.

Line it up!

* Maybe you
Could telephone *

* Maybe I can meet you
In the morning... *

Oh, so I guess herpes
and gonorrhea and AIDS

aren't a problem
for you.

That was not
your five.

When my brother
has a five hanging
in the wind...

I don't
leave it there.

Thank you.

(BOTH SIGH)

He's not
handicapped.

Handi-capable.

MAN:
No, he's, uh--

Disabled?
No.

He's--
Not fully cooked.

He's clowning
for the camera.

God's special
little clown.

MAN: Get out.

Now?
Now!

(WHISPERING) I told you.

Does he want us
to go?
I don't know.

(LAUGHS)

They're not
making any noise.

(FARTS)

(LAUGHING)

What?

(CREW LAUGHING)

Oh, my God.

* I had it all

* But I never
Thought I did *

* No, no, no, no
I never thought I did *

* Oh-oh-oh-oh

(CREW LAUGHING)

* Ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba *

* Ba-ba

* You're in denial

* You're in denial
And I know *

* What's my name?

* What's my name?
I don't know *

* Maybe you could telephone

* Maybe I could meet you
In the morning *

* Call me
If you're on your own *

* Maybe I can meet you
In the morning *

* Die for you

* Die for you

* Oh-oh-oh-oh

* I had it all

* But I never thought I did

* No, no, no, no
I never thought I did *

* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

* I had it all

* But I never thought I did

* No, no, no, no
I never thought I did *

* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

* I had it all

* Ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba *

* Ooh-ooh-ooh

* Aah-aah