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I'm getting married!
Yeah.
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Take one of my face.
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We've got loads of your face.
Shall we get one with your dad?
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Take one of my face or I'll cry. OK.
5
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This is Lee.
He used to go out with Becky.
6
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We were together four and a half
years. So, Laura's just told me�
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She said you were pregnant.
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But I'm not supposed to tell Steve.
- Is that right?
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Just want you to know I'm
here for you, Becks.
10
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:22,600
It's got nothing to do with you.
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Hi.
I'll leave you to it.
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What did he want? Nothing.
13
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You have both made
the declarations required by law
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and have made a solemn
and binding contract
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00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,280
with each other in the presence
of your witnesses and guests.
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It gives me great pleasure to
pronounce you, husband and wife.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18
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LOUD CHATTER
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GLASS TINKLES
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00:00:57,420 --> 00:00:59,260
Is this on? Yep.
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Ha-ha. Right, then.
22
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Hello, ladies and gentlemen and
welcome to Paul and Laura's wedding!
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CHEERING
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I'm Lee. I'm your Master
of Ceremonies for this afternoon.
25
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And do we have some speakers for you!
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CHEERING
All right. Calm down!
27
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Erm...
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We'll start off in a minute
with everyone's favourite old
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aged pensioner, Laura's dad Nigel.
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Watch it.
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And then we'll hear from the groom
himself, Mr Paul Parker.
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CHEERING
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And then last
and by all means least...
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the best man's speech from Steve.
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APPLAUSE
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But first, Laura's prepared a little something
she'd like to kick things off with.
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Laura...
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SHE CLEARS THROAT
39
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CAMERAS CLICKING
40
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? Amazing grace
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? How sweet the sound
42
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? That saved a wretch like me
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? I once was lost
44
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? But now I'm found
45
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? Was blind but now I see. ?
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CHEERING
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Let's hear it for the lovely Laura.
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Well done.
Shut up.
49
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Now please put your hands together
and make some noise for...
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the father of the bride, Nigel!
51
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CHEERING
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HE CLEARS THROAT
Hello, can you hear me?
53
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DISTORTION FEEDBACK
ALL: Yes!
54
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Is that better?
ALL: Yes.
55
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Hello, I'm Nigel
and I'm the father of the bride.
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WOLF WHISTLE
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LAUGHTER
58
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Welcome to the wedding of Laura
and Paul -
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whether you're friends,
family or freeloaders -
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00:03:45,980 --> 00:03:48,540
loved ones or loathed ones...
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00:03:48,580 --> 00:03:51,740
people we like or people
we had to invite.
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LAUGHTER
63
00:03:53,180 --> 00:03:55,580
Whether you're here for a free meal
and a free drink,
64
00:03:55,620 --> 00:03:58,780
people who wouldn't have missed this
special day or people who had
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00:03:58,820 --> 00:03:59,980
nothing better to do.
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00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:00,980
LAUGHTER
67
00:04:01,020 --> 00:04:04,500
Whether you've brought a present...
or not -
68
00:04:04,540 --> 00:04:06,020
you're all welcome.
69
00:04:06,060 --> 00:04:08,460
HE WHOOPS
HE LAUGHS
70
00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:09,580
But joking aside,
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00:04:09,620 --> 00:04:12,180
I know some of you have come a long
way to be with us today.
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We have the Clarkes here,
Jill's cousin and her family,
73
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who've come from Nottingham.
Where are you?
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Give us a wave?
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Over here.
76
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:27,540
And we have Richard and Mary,
old, old friends from way back,
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who've come all
the way from Worcester.
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00:04:29,460 --> 00:04:31,140
Where are you?
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00:04:31,180 --> 00:04:33,420
There you are. Hello.
80
00:04:36,340 --> 00:04:40,780
And, of course, we have our
Lee, Lee Roberts, who you've all met.
81
00:04:40,820 --> 00:04:44,220
Lee used to go out with Becky,
didn't he?
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00:04:44,260 --> 00:04:45,380
Yep.
83
00:04:45,420 --> 00:04:47,900
And he's just got
back from Afghanistan,
84
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where he was supporting our troops.
85
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Lee, stand up mate
so we can all see you.
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CHEERING
87
00:04:59,620 --> 00:05:01,500
We're all so proud of you, mate.
88
00:05:01,540 --> 00:05:05,740
Thank God you're better at being a
TA than you are at ten-pin bowling.
89
00:05:05,780 --> 00:05:07,940
That's below the belt!
90
00:05:07,980 --> 00:05:10,460
LAUGHTER
91
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:11,860
But seriously...
92
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:16,300
Thank you all for making the journey
to be here with us today.
93
00:05:19,060 --> 00:05:20,460
So now, uh...
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00:05:22,660 --> 00:05:28,180
I'm now going to tell
you a bit about my daughter, Laura.
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Laura was a lovely baby.
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I remember she started screaming as
soon as she came out of Jill's womb...
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LAUGHTER
..and from what I used to hear when she had boyfriends round,
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she hasn't stopped screaming since!
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00:05:38,580 --> 00:05:41,460
LAUGHTER
100
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:45,620
She was always alert as a baby,
always looking around her,
101
00:05:45,660 --> 00:05:50,380
always reaching out for something to
play with or suck on - and from
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what I used to hear when she had
boyfriends round...
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she still does.
104
00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:57,540
LAUGHTER
105
00:05:59,740 --> 00:06:02,740
I remember the doctors were very
worried about her when she was born.
106
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She was very ill and I watched as
they took her temperature
107
00:06:05,420 --> 00:06:08,940
with a thermometer, first
in the mouth and then in the anus.
108
00:06:08,980 --> 00:06:12,180
And from what I used to hear
when she had boyfriends round...
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LAUGHTER
110
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Laura was a truly wonderful child.
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I remember watching her lying there,
naked, dribbling and crying�
112
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I think you should stop drinking.
I think you should fuck off and die.
113
00:06:26,460 --> 00:06:29,540
...vomit down her front, her
legs in the air, waiting for someone
114
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to pick her up - and that was just
her 18th birthday party!
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LAUGHTER
116
00:06:34,860 --> 00:06:39,300
But joking aside,
Laura is a great daughter.
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You're never bored
when Laura's around.
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She lights up every room she enters.
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She knows how to have fun
and boy does she have it.
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She's a high achiever.
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She's got five As, three Bs
and a C at GCSE
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and an A and two Bs at A-Level -
they're the best
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results our family has ever seen and
we're all very proud of her indeed.
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00:07:04,580 --> 00:07:07,620
She gained a place at Loughborough
University to study Psychology
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00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:11,020
but, having just met her Paul,
she chose instead to stay at home
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00:07:11,060 --> 00:07:13,300
and concentrated on her
singing career.
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00:07:13,340 --> 00:07:18,340
She's a prolific diary keeper. She
passed her driving test first time.
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00:07:18,380 --> 00:07:21,540
She had a letter read
out on Points Of View
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when she was just eight years old.
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And she sang in the chorus
for her school
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00:07:27,420 --> 00:07:30,100
production
of Little Shop Of Horrors.
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00:07:30,140 --> 00:07:33,700
But her most important role
is as a mother to Bernadette
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and what an excellent mother she is.
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00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:46,300
I think we can all agree Laura
looks gorgeous today,
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00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:49,140
as she does every day
because she takes after her father.
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You wish!
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LAUGHTER
138
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Now then. Paul...
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00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:01,300
How do you solve a problem like Paul?
140
00:08:01,340 --> 00:08:02,860
LAUGHTER
141
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:06,260
It's like that TV show
- How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria. Yes, it is, isn't it?
142
00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:09,100
Like most girls these days,
Laura has been through all different
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00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:13,620
types of men, young and not
so young, all shapes and sizes,
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all colours of the rainbow, there was
a black lad, there was a brown lad,
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there was a yellow lad, there was a
couple of Jews, a fella in a turban.
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00:08:22,580 --> 00:08:26,580
She's kissed many a frog,
but in Paul she's found her prince.
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LAUGHTER
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00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,940
Paul's a good,
honest man with a heart of gold
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and a wicked sense of humour.
150
00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:36,620
And I think we could all
see during the ceremony just how
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00:08:36,660 --> 00:08:38,620
much our Laura means to Paul.
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ALL: Aww!
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00:08:44,180 --> 00:08:47,140
It is at this point in a father-
of-the-bride speech that
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I am expected to offer some
advice to the newlyweds.
155
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I mean,
what kind of advice can I give?
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Look at the state of my marriage!
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00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:56,460
Dad...
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No, I'm only joking.
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00:08:58,460 --> 00:09:01,420
Jill's a great woman who's still
got a great figure.
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00:09:01,460 --> 00:09:04,220
Or she does once you get
the cobwebs off it.
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00:09:04,260 --> 00:09:05,540
LAUGHTER
162
00:09:05,580 --> 00:09:08,020
She's actually had to go back
to bed cos she had quite a lot
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00:09:08,060 --> 00:09:10,740
to drink last night, didn't she!?
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00:09:10,780 --> 00:09:11,780
So...
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HE CLEARS THROAT
166
00:09:13,260 --> 00:09:17,220
...Paul and Laura, I'll give you
this piece of advice
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00:09:17,260 --> 00:09:19,260
that my father gave to me.
168
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:20,380
This'll be good.
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00:09:20,420 --> 00:09:22,140
When you're going out
in the evening,
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00:09:22,180 --> 00:09:25,540
tell her that you'll be back an hour
later than you plan to be.
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Then, when you're back at the time
you were going to be back at anyway,
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00:09:29,340 --> 00:09:33,500
she'll think you've come back
an hour early just to be with her.
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That way, you're happy, she's
happy...
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...and she'll be more inclined
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00:09:39,220 --> 00:09:42,420
to do things for you,
both sexually and non-sexually.
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EMBARRASSED COUGHS
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Today is a day that will stay
with me forever.
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I'll never forget walking my lovely Laura up the aisle.
Your dad's a legend. Yeah... Amazing.
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00:09:59,820 --> 00:10:03,140
I'll never forget this wonderful
meal we've had today
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00:10:03,180 --> 00:10:05,260
and the joy of having
everyone together.
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00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:10,060
But most of all,
I'll never forget how much it cost.
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00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:12,140
LAUGHTER
183
00:10:12,180 --> 00:10:14,740
Though I should say,
most of the cost of today has been
184
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:17,660
paid for by Laura and Paul -
or should I say by their plastic
185
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:22,500
friends Mr Barclaycard, Mr Capital
One, Mr Amex and Mr Virgin Money.
186
00:10:22,540 --> 00:10:25,380
LAUGHTER
187
00:10:26,820 --> 00:10:32,820
So, all's that left for me to say is.
- One down, one to go.
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00:10:32,860 --> 00:10:35,580
LAUGHTER
189
00:10:35,620 --> 00:10:38,300
Worse things have happened to me
than my daughter getting
190
00:10:38,340 --> 00:10:42,100
engaged to Steve - though I can't
think of any right now.
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00:10:42,140 --> 00:10:43,740
LAUGHTER
192
00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:46,340
He's doing the best man's speech
so that'll be interesting.
193
00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:48,580
I think we're all looking
forward to that!
194
00:10:48,620 --> 00:10:50,380
LAUGHTER
195
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:56,700
But anyway...
196
00:10:56,740 --> 00:11:00,260
Without further ado, would you all,
please charge your glasses
197
00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:05,500
and be upstanding for a toast to the
happy couple -
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00:11:07,780 --> 00:11:09,700
Mr and Mrs Parker!
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00:11:09,740 --> 00:11:11,140
ALL: Mr and Mrs Parker!
200
00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:28,380
Thank you Nigel! Great speech.
201
00:11:28,420 --> 00:11:30,900
And, just a point of order -
last time we went bowling,
202
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,260
I got a strike on every go,
so have that, old timer!
203
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:34,780
LAUGHTER
OK. So.
204
00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,540
Not long now till that much
anticipated
205
00:11:36,580 --> 00:11:39,180
speech from the best man Steve.
206
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:41,980
But before that, next up we have a
speech from the man himself,
207
00:11:42,020 --> 00:11:44,940
it's the groom, everyone's favourite
stationery salesman,
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00:11:44,980 --> 00:11:47,780
the one and only, Mr Paul Parker!
209
00:11:47,820 --> 00:11:51,180
CHEERING
210
00:11:51,220 --> 00:11:55,660
Don't fuck it up, you perv. You're a
bald, fucking cocksucker.
211
00:11:58,020 --> 00:11:59,100
Paul!
212
00:12:00,780 --> 00:12:03,260
(This should be interesting.)
213
00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:05,180
On behalf of my wife and I...
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00:12:05,220 --> 00:12:06,820
CHEERING
215
00:12:09,180 --> 00:12:11,500
On behalf of my wife and I...
216
00:12:11,540 --> 00:12:12,940
Excuse me.
217
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:18,300
...I'd like to thank you
all for coming.
218
00:12:18,340 --> 00:12:21,780
It's been a very wonderful occasion
and Laura and I feel very
219
00:12:21,820 --> 00:12:25,820
fortunate to see so many familiar
faces on this our special day.
220
00:12:27,340 --> 00:12:29,620
QUIET APPLAUSE
221
00:12:29,660 --> 00:12:33,300
On behalf of Laura and I, I'd
like to thank you all for coming.
222
00:12:33,340 --> 00:12:37,020
I know some of you have come a long
way - Laura's mum's cousin
223
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:39,540
and her family have come all
the way from Nottingham.
224
00:12:42,940 --> 00:12:44,860
We've got some
people from Worcester.
225
00:12:47,540 --> 00:12:50,060
And Lee's come from Afghanistan.
226
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,240
Thank you for coming -
227
00:12:57,280 --> 00:13:00,080
I hope you're all enjoying
the day as much as we are.
228
00:13:00,740 --> 00:13:04,460
I'd like to thank you all for coming
and for your generous gifts.
229
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,460
I can assure you
we will cherish them
230
00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:09,020
in our hearts for years to come.
231
00:13:09,060 --> 00:13:12,020
On behalf of Laura
and I, I'd like to thank Kieran
232
00:13:12,060 --> 00:13:15,420
and my little Lukey for being
the ring bearer and the page boy.
233
00:13:15,460 --> 00:13:16,540
Where are they?
234
00:13:16,580 --> 00:13:19,700
They're with Shelly. I think
they had one too many sweets...!
235
00:13:19,740 --> 00:13:23,060
LAUGHTER
236
00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:29,660
I'd like to thank Laura's Auntie Sue
for making the delicious cake.
237
00:13:35,660 --> 00:13:38,100
It truly is a mouth-watering cake
238
00:13:38,140 --> 00:13:41,380
and we really couldn't have
hoped for anything more.
239
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:42,780
Do we have a present for her?
240
00:13:42,820 --> 00:13:44,420
You know we fucking do.
241
00:13:44,460 --> 00:13:48,300
LAUGHTER
242
00:13:48,340 --> 00:13:52,100
We haven't been married five minutes
and she's already bossing me about!
243
00:13:52,140 --> 00:13:54,220
LAUGHTER
244
00:13:54,260 --> 00:13:56,180
Just give her the fucking present.
245
00:13:56,220 --> 00:13:59,340
Sue, if you'd like to come forward,
we've got you a present.
246
00:14:13,780 --> 00:14:15,980
Give your wife a kiss, Paul.
247
00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:28,860
It's impossible to thank everyone
but you know who you are.
248
00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:30,140
Show my mum. Is it Laura?
249
00:14:30,180 --> 00:14:32,100
You're all a part of this
our special day.
250
00:14:45,020 --> 00:14:47,300
When you fall in love with someone,
251
00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:50,780
it's like your heart has been
set on fire.
252
00:14:50,820 --> 00:14:55,340
You get all hot and you say weird
stuff and you do these mad things.
253
00:14:55,380 --> 00:14:58,860
It's like you've discovered this
side of yourself that you can
254
00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:02,620
only see because you've been
lit by the light of love.
255
00:15:08,660 --> 00:15:11,620
Love is like a delicious cake.
256
00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:14,380
You try a bit of the icing
and it's nice
257
00:15:14,420 --> 00:15:18,860
so you cut yourself a slice and have
a bite and it's even nicer and you
258
00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:22,580
end up eating the whole thing and
licking the cream off your fingers.
259
00:15:24,940 --> 00:15:27,820
Being in love is like giving
the keys of your car to some
260
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:30,700
drunk person and letting him
drive you round.
261
00:15:32,060 --> 00:15:34,660
Trying to fall out of love with
someone is like trying to
262
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:36,500
change the colour of your skin.
263
00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:39,780
It hurts.
264
00:15:42,340 --> 00:15:45,780
And
if it doesn't hurt it isn't love.
265
00:15:51,220 --> 00:15:53,020
HE SNIFFS
266
00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:04,020
So, I'd like to thank
Laura for organising the day.
267
00:16:04,060 --> 00:16:05,300
It's been great.
268
00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:07,580
The dress is great
and you look great in it
269
00:16:07,620 --> 00:16:09,700
and you're a great mum to
Bernadette.
270
00:16:22,740 --> 00:16:25,860
I'd like to thank my adopted
parents, John and Anne.
271
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:27,340
SHE SIGHS
272
00:16:27,380 --> 00:16:29,620
Unfortunately they're unable to
be with us today
273
00:16:29,660 --> 00:16:33,180
because they're visiting
their biological son in Australia.
274
00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:39,100
Thank you for everything
you've done for me.
275
00:16:39,140 --> 00:16:41,020
You've always been there to
look after me
276
00:16:41,060 --> 00:16:43,300
through the hard times,
like when Nan died,
277
00:16:43,340 --> 00:16:47,100
or when I was accused of murder or
when Luke was ill.
278
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:51,740
I owe you everything and I'm very
sorry for trashing your house.
279
00:16:51,780 --> 00:16:55,900
I'd also like to
thank my biological brother, Ian...
280
00:16:55,940 --> 00:16:57,860
Half-brother.
281
00:16:57,900 --> 00:17:00,140
And my biological mother, Judith.
282
00:17:01,380 --> 00:17:04,340
Unfortunately,
she also couldn't make it today
283
00:17:04,380 --> 00:17:06,460
because she had an emergency,
didn't she?
284
00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:09,140
Yes.
285
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:14,500
I'd like to thank my beautiful
daughter Bernadette.
286
00:17:14,540 --> 00:17:17,100
You're a little bundle of joy.
287
00:17:17,140 --> 00:17:18,540
You're the apple of my eye
288
00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:22,140
and when you smile you make
the whole world smile with you.
289
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:28,500
And without further ado,
I'd like to propose a toast.
290
00:17:28,540 --> 00:17:30,740
To my fantastic wife, Laura.
291
00:17:36,780 --> 00:17:38,780
ALL: Laura!
292
00:18:01,980 --> 00:18:03,100
Thank you, Paul!
293
00:18:03,140 --> 00:18:05,220
Absolutely incredible, I think
we can all agree.
294
00:18:05,260 --> 00:18:08,380
Was that about him? So now it's time
for the one we've all been waiting for.
295
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:12,780
It was, wasn't it? It was all about
today and if you've not met him yet,
296
00:18:12,820 --> 00:18:15,860
I can tell you, it's an experience.
297
00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:17,500
LAUGHTER
298
00:18:17,540 --> 00:18:19,420
Answer me, you fucking faggot!
299
00:18:19,460 --> 00:18:22,140
This is the man who proposed to
Becky in his flat
300
00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:26,020
and served his future in-laws a dish
called spaghetti nuggets.
301
00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:28,820
LAUGHTER
302
00:18:28,860 --> 00:18:32,260
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the best man - Steve!
303
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:34,020
CHEERING
304
00:18:36,140 --> 00:18:38,220
I'm going to tell everyone
you're a faggot.
305
00:18:38,260 --> 00:18:40,740
Don't you fucking dare.
Don't fucking threaten me.
306
00:18:40,780 --> 00:18:41,860
Ladies...
307
00:18:46,460 --> 00:18:49,420
Ladies, gentlemen... and Paul.
308
00:18:49,460 --> 00:18:50,940
LAUGHTER
309
00:18:50,980 --> 00:18:54,620
Friends, family...
and those just here for a free feed.
310
00:18:56,380 --> 00:19:00,740
For those of you who don't
know me... lucky you.
311
00:19:00,780 --> 00:19:05,260
I'm Steve, the best man and
I have the dubious pleasure of being
312
00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:07,580
engaged to Laura's sister Rebecca.
313
00:19:07,620 --> 00:19:09,460
LAUGHTER
314
00:19:10,740 --> 00:19:11,900
Now.
315
00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:16,300
They say a best man's speech
should be short and make you laugh -
316
00:19:16,340 --> 00:19:18,100
which, by coincidence,
317
00:19:18,140 --> 00:19:21,420
is exactly how Laura describes
a certain part of Paul's body.
318
00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:23,420
LAUGHTER
319
00:19:23,460 --> 00:19:28,900
No, I'm joking. As anyone who knows
Paul knows, it's gigantic.
320
00:19:28,940 --> 00:19:31,900
LAUGHTER
321
00:19:31,940 --> 00:19:33,260
So, yes...
322
00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:35,220
If there's something
we can all agree on,
323
00:19:35,260 --> 00:19:37,260
it's that Paul is well-endowed.
324
00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:43,140
In fact, Paul's member is so big that
when there was a hosepipe ban,
325
00:19:43,180 --> 00:19:45,620
Paul got arrested for doing a wee.
326
00:19:45,660 --> 00:19:47,820
LAUGHTER
327
00:19:47,860 --> 00:19:50,540
As I'm sure you can tell,
this speech is going to be
328
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:53,020
so funny your jaws will
ache from laughing-
329
00:19:53,060 --> 00:19:56,940
unlike poor old Laura tonight,
because having such
330
00:19:56,980 --> 00:20:01,380
a well-endowed husband, her jaw will
ache from something else entirely.
331
00:20:01,420 --> 00:20:05,180
ISOLATED LAUGHTER
332
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:10,740
Maybe that was a bit blue? Sorry.
333
00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:18,020
Anyway, all the wedding websites say
"don't forget to say how
334
00:20:18,060 --> 00:20:20,620
"beautiful the bride looks."
And how could I forget
335
00:20:20,660 --> 00:20:23,540
when she looks as fabulous
as Laura does today?
336
00:20:23,580 --> 00:20:26,500
A round of applause for how great
Laura looks.
337
00:20:26,540 --> 00:20:28,180
WHOOPING
338
00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:35,620
You look really beautiful, Laura, I
must say - it just makes all us
339
00:20:35,660 --> 00:20:38,980
blokes wonder how someone who looks
like Paul managed to get so lucky.
340
00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:40,860
LAUGHTER
341
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:44,740
But seriously, it's been a great
day, thank you all for coming.
342
00:20:44,780 --> 00:20:47,900
You've all made Laura and Paul's
day as special as the school Paul
343
00:20:47,940 --> 00:20:50,300
got sent to
when he torched his teacher's car.
344
00:20:50,340 --> 00:20:52,260
ISOLATED LAUGHTER
345
00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:57,740
So, let me be the first to say,
346
00:20:57,780 --> 00:21:01,580
congratulations to you both on your,
on your wedding. Erm...
347
00:21:03,980 --> 00:21:05,780
Thanks.
348
00:21:05,820 --> 00:21:07,860
OK.
349
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:11,940
From the ushers, who managed to turn
up sober - for once!
350
00:21:13,260 --> 00:21:17,740
I said to Keith that I wanted him
to come to the wedding as an usher.
351
00:21:17,780 --> 00:21:20,620
Unfortunately, he misheard me
this morning
352
00:21:20,660 --> 00:21:23,060
and he turned
up as the singer Usher.
353
00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:26,620
Luckily we had a spare suit and he
changed into what he's wearing now.
354
00:21:28,460 --> 00:21:30,380
That never happened.
It's a joke, Keith.
355
00:21:30,420 --> 00:21:32,900
Of course I didn't turn
up as fucking Usher!
356
00:21:34,820 --> 00:21:36,740
I think that's rather
the crux of the joke.
357
00:21:40,180 --> 00:21:42,620
Thanks also to the bridesmaids,
358
00:21:42,660 --> 00:21:45,460
including me beautiful fiancee
Rebecca who doesn't
359
00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:48,860
normally wear make-up, in fact,
I haven't seen her with
360
00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:52,100
this much gunk on her face since...
361
00:21:59,180 --> 00:22:00,740
Erm...
362
00:22:02,980 --> 00:22:05,260
Are you all right with that?
363
00:22:05,300 --> 00:22:06,980
OK. Don't worry.
364
00:22:07,020 --> 00:22:09,940
This is going to get better now because
now we move on to the stag do...!
365
00:22:10,980 --> 00:22:13,620
Unfortunately, I did organise the
stag do...
366
00:22:13,660 --> 00:22:16,540
If you've sucked someone off on the
stag do I will never forgive you.
367
00:22:16,580 --> 00:22:19,820
...but I was unable to attend myself
because of a sudden illness but I...
368
00:22:19,860 --> 00:22:21,420
Shall we pop outside?
369
00:22:21,460 --> 00:22:24,220
Yep.
This is completely inappropriate.
370
00:22:32,620 --> 00:22:35,660
Unfortunately, I did
organise the stag do
371
00:22:35,700 --> 00:22:40,300
but I was unable to attend, myself,
because of a sudden illness.
372
00:22:40,340 --> 00:22:42,740
But I managed to get some
information off of Paul's
373
00:22:42,780 --> 00:22:44,500
half-brother Ian.
374
00:22:44,540 --> 00:22:47,820
What did you tell him?
Nothing.
375
00:22:47,860 --> 00:22:49,340
I won't go into the details
376
00:22:49,380 --> 00:22:52,940
but here are some of Paul's stag
highlights - courtesy of Ian.
377
00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:57,500
They wrapped Paul in cling film
and tied him to a lamp post
378
00:22:57,540 --> 00:23:00,260
and left him there all night.
379
00:23:00,300 --> 00:23:03,260
They spiked Paul's drinks with
laxatives.
380
00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:06,900
After paintballing, a few of them
ended up in A&E
381
00:23:06,940 --> 00:23:10,580
where one of the stag party,
who shall remain nameless...
382
00:23:11,860 --> 00:23:13,580
...Keith,
383
00:23:13,620 --> 00:23:16,580
got into a fight with
a guy in a wheelchair.
384
00:23:18,580 --> 00:23:20,220
He was annoying me.
385
00:23:25,380 --> 00:23:28,140
They made some children cry.
386
00:23:28,180 --> 00:23:31,500
They broke into a dentist's
in the middle of the night.
387
00:23:32,860 --> 00:23:34,100
They killed a dog.
388
00:23:35,460 --> 00:23:36,460
And...
389
00:23:38,980 --> 00:23:41,260
...they hired a-a fat stripper.
390
00:23:45,860 --> 00:23:48,740
Ha. That all seemed funnier on paper.
Sorry.
391
00:23:48,780 --> 00:23:50,740
I thought you said you went to
a railway museum.
392
00:23:50,780 --> 00:23:53,300
Like you went to a fucking
wildlife sanctuary.
393
00:23:53,340 --> 00:23:56,180
Erm. Right, so that's the stag do.
394
00:23:58,380 --> 00:23:59,740
Er, um...
395
00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:05,820
I just put some thoughts in an e-mail.
I didn't expect him to use them.
396
00:24:05,860 --> 00:24:08,500
So. OK. You'll like this bit.
397
00:24:08,540 --> 00:24:11,620
Paul is known to his friends by many
different names -
398
00:24:11,660 --> 00:24:12,700
Faggot.
399
00:24:12,740 --> 00:24:14,060
What?!
400
00:24:16,100 --> 00:24:22,780
He's known as Dopey, Nailer, The
Baguette, Parky, Baldy, Mr Ugly...
401
00:24:22,820 --> 00:24:23,860
Mr Ugly?
402
00:24:25,020 --> 00:24:30,780
Yep. The Creep. The Tripod. Uncle
Fester. Mr Dick. The Forehead.
403
00:24:30,820 --> 00:24:33,420
What do you mean, "Mr Ugly"?
404
00:24:33,460 --> 00:24:35,700
Alfred...
405
00:24:35,740 --> 00:24:38,580
Sloth from the Goonies
and The Granny-Guzzler.
406
00:24:38,620 --> 00:24:40,140
Who calls me Mr Ugly?
407
00:24:42,260 --> 00:24:45,140
Now, anyone who knows Paul knows
he works in Ryman's.
408
00:24:45,180 --> 00:24:48,020
Can we get a cheer
from the Ryman's gang?
409
00:24:48,060 --> 00:24:50,900
MUTED APPLAUSE
410
00:24:52,420 --> 00:24:55,820
But other jobs you may not know
Paul's had include...
411
00:24:55,860 --> 00:24:59,020
barman, park supervisor,
rent boy and bin man.
412
00:24:59,060 --> 00:25:01,420
If you've given me AIDS, I'm going to
fucking kill you.
413
00:25:01,460 --> 00:25:03,860
Only one of those is a joke.
Paul's never worked in a park.
414
00:25:03,900 --> 00:25:05,300
I'm going to ruin you!
415
00:25:05,340 --> 00:25:06,660
PAUL LAUGHS
416
00:25:06,700 --> 00:25:10,380
Laura, be a bit quieter yeah?
I am being quiet, Becks.
417
00:25:10,420 --> 00:25:12,260
Carry on, Steve.
OK.
418
00:25:14,300 --> 00:25:18,540
My fiancee Rebecca tells me that the
first time Paul and Laura made love...
419
00:25:18,580 --> 00:25:19,820
Not that.
420
00:25:22,100 --> 00:25:23,180
Right.
421
00:25:26,260 --> 00:25:29,780
But seriously,
Paul is a great bloke.
422
00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:31,700
I'm going to stand up
423
00:25:31,740 --> 00:25:34,460
and I'm going to tell everyone what
you've done with that faggot
424
00:25:34,500 --> 00:25:37,900
and you'll never be allowed to see
Luke alone and they'll sack
425
00:25:37,940 --> 00:25:43,660
you from Ryman's and your biological
mother will abandon you again
426
00:25:43,700 --> 00:25:50,260
because you're a gay, little AIDSY
fuck and you disgust me.
427
00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:53,220
Yeah? Well what's everyone going to
think about you for marrying me?
428
00:25:53,260 --> 00:25:55,860
...or, for that matter,
her mum's brains!
429
00:25:57,180 --> 00:25:58,940
LAURA SOBS
430
00:26:01,540 --> 00:26:04,140
Leave her. She'll be all right.
431
00:26:06,140 --> 00:26:07,580
MURMURING
432
00:26:14,460 --> 00:26:16,900
Shall I wait for her to come back?
No, Steve.
433
00:26:16,940 --> 00:26:18,740
Just cut to the end, mate.
434
00:26:26,380 --> 00:26:27,780
Well, that's it from me.
435
00:26:29,140 --> 00:26:31,420
Thank you for having me
as your best man, Paul.
436
00:26:31,460 --> 00:26:33,940
I hope I've passed the audition
and maybe you'll have me
437
00:26:33,980 --> 00:26:35,980
as best man at your next wedding.
438
00:26:47,620 --> 00:26:49,780
Sorry about this... I'm not
439
00:26:49,820 --> 00:26:51,380
very used to public speaking, so...
440
00:26:51,420 --> 00:26:53,380
You could've fooled me!
441
00:26:53,420 --> 00:26:55,380
LAUGHTER
442
00:27:05,220 --> 00:27:09,580
In conclusion then, a wedding is
a time of great happiness,
443
00:27:09,620 --> 00:27:11,900
when two people who
love each other come together to
444
00:27:11,940 --> 00:27:14,300
tell the world that they do.
445
00:27:14,340 --> 00:27:17,180
I know myself because last year
I proposed to my Rebecca
446
00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:21,340
and nothing makes me happier than
the thought of marrying her.
447
00:27:21,380 --> 00:27:26,780
Joking aside, that's why today is
so important - not just because...
448
00:27:26,820 --> 00:27:29,220
I think they've had enough mate.
449
00:27:29,260 --> 00:27:31,620
CHATTERING
450
00:27:31,660 --> 00:27:32,940
OK.
451
00:27:36,340 --> 00:27:39,620
If you'd all, please, charge
your glasses and be upstanding
452
00:27:39,660 --> 00:27:41,900
and raise a toast to...
453
00:27:41,940 --> 00:27:43,180
the bride and groom.
454
00:27:45,700 --> 00:27:47,500
ALL: The bride and groom!
455
00:27:48,980 --> 00:27:51,260
Well, thanks for that Steve.
456
00:27:51,300 --> 00:27:53,860
A truly unforgettable speech,
I think we can all agree.
457
00:27:54,940 --> 00:27:57,140
All that's left for me
to do is to say there'll be teas
458
00:27:57,180 --> 00:28:00,980
and coffees coming round soon, then please
stick around for the cutting of the cake, then
459
00:28:01,020 --> 00:28:04,060
they'll move the tables back and we'll
have the first dance... Sit down.
460
00:28:04,100 --> 00:28:06,540
...and I want to see you
strutting your stuff in the disco.
461
00:28:06,580 --> 00:28:10,020
Oh, and don't forget the firework
display later on tonight. Enjoy.
462
00:28:10,060 --> 00:28:12,340
MUSIC BEGINS
463
00:28:13,700 --> 00:28:17,140
Hey was that all right?
Yeah. Well done. Great. Good job.
464
00:28:17,180 --> 00:28:19,700
Well, that was an experience,
wasn't it?
465
00:28:19,740 --> 00:28:22,420
I've never seen anything like it.
He was very nervous.
466
00:28:22,460 --> 00:28:25,420
Yeah, but some of the stuff he said,
Becks. He got it off the internet.
467
00:28:25,460 --> 00:28:27,900
Lots of people use those websites
so he thought it'd be OK.
468
00:28:27,940 --> 00:28:29,860
Well done, mate.
469
00:28:29,900 --> 00:28:32,540
MUSIC: "Boom Bang-A-Bang" by Lulu
470
00:28:32,580 --> 00:28:36,140
I'm going to tell Steve you're pregnant
and there's nothing you can do about it.
471
00:28:36,180 --> 00:28:38,460
Calm down mate, come on.
Laura's fucked - she said
472
00:28:38,500 --> 00:28:41,020
if I choose Graham, I'll never see
Bernadette again.
473
00:28:41,060 --> 00:28:43,860
Ooh, what a pickle.
Becky's keeping a secret from you.
474
00:28:43,900 --> 00:28:46,380
And she's told Lee
because she loves him.
475
00:28:46,420 --> 00:28:48,500
You all right?
476
00:28:48,540 --> 00:28:51,820
Not really.
Get in the cubicle and do it.
477
00:28:51,860 --> 00:28:53,260
Don't be silly Laura. Becks�
478
00:28:53,300 --> 00:28:55,300
Come on. Just a hand-job. OK,
careful...
479
00:28:55,340 --> 00:28:57,300
You can close your eyes
and imagine I'm her.
480
00:28:57,340 --> 00:28:59,980
Oh, my God.
What's Becky going to tell me?
481
00:29:07,780 --> 00:29:11,660
? Your smile is so warm and inviting
482
00:29:11,700 --> 00:29:15,740
? The thought of your kiss is
exciting... ?
483
00:29:15,790 --> 00:29:20,340
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