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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,877
You're being so suspicious today.
2
00:00:02,554 --> 00:00:04,859
Think at one point you thought
I was going to ask you to marry me.
3
00:00:05,340 --> 00:00:07,220
Why have we got Cava
in the laundry basket?
4
00:00:07,220 --> 00:00:09,300
It's the sort of thing he'd say
in his speech.
5
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:10,460
What d'you mean, speech?
6
00:00:10,460 --> 00:00:12,180
What's that? What?
7
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,580
Hello, Laura.
8
00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:16,020
Here he is. Isn't he handsome?
9
00:00:16,020 --> 00:00:18,540
Now get dressed, Steve,
we're going for a picnic.
10
00:00:18,540 --> 00:00:20,460
I've got a hangover, Laur.
No, you don't.
11
00:00:20,460 --> 00:00:24,780
Hello, Shelly.
That was quick. Oh, right.
12
00:00:24,780 --> 00:00:26,260
Wow.
13
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:29,140
You had a nice morning?
It's been bloody brilliant.
14
00:00:29,140 --> 00:00:31,500
I swear on my mum's life,
you're being mental.
15
00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:35,020
Why would I want to marry you?
You fucking stink.
16
00:00:35,020 --> 00:00:36,420
What's this?
17
00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:40,060
Don't you dare
get married before me.
18
00:00:40,060 --> 00:00:42,140
No, that's not... It's fucking...no.
19
00:01:01,140 --> 00:01:04,140
Would you still love me
if I smelt like that?
20
00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:14,700
Oh, my God! No. Of course not.
21
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,180
Wow.
22
00:01:16,180 --> 00:01:18,060
What have we used that
smells like that?
23
00:01:29,220 --> 00:01:31,940
Oh, Jesus.
24
00:01:31,940 --> 00:01:33,700
HE LAUGHS
25
00:01:33,700 --> 00:01:36,860
I think I'm all right.
Seriously. It's disgusting.
26
00:01:36,860 --> 00:01:39,580
Uuugghh!
27
00:01:39,580 --> 00:01:41,420
Uuugghh!
28
00:01:41,420 --> 00:01:44,980
Oh, careful with that.
It's the world's sharpest knife.
29
00:01:53,340 --> 00:01:56,500
OK, I'll take the bin down now
30
00:01:56,500 --> 00:02:01,060
and then from now on every time it's
half full, we're changing it.
31
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,060
Becks! We're waiting!
32
00:02:10,060 --> 00:02:11,180
OK!
33
00:02:11,180 --> 00:02:13,020
You going in?
34
00:02:13,020 --> 00:02:15,380
I want to see how you
get out of this.
35
00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:28,380
Very good.
36
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:42,060
Come on, Becks.
Let's look at the dresses.
37
00:02:42,060 --> 00:02:43,700
They're lovely, Laur.
38
00:02:45,700 --> 00:02:47,780
Who wants sausages?
39
00:02:47,780 --> 00:02:49,500
ALL: Yes, please!
40
00:02:51,460 --> 00:02:54,020
Did he get enough breakfast stuff?
41
00:02:54,020 --> 00:02:56,860
Yes.
And is he doing me a grapefruit?
42
00:02:56,860 --> 00:02:58,340
Yes.
43
00:02:58,340 --> 00:03:00,220
Good. Now then...
44
00:03:00,220 --> 00:03:03,300
this is the one I'm thinking is
the most bridesmaidsy.
45
00:03:04,660 --> 00:03:07,220
Wow. That's lovely, Laura.
46
00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:08,820
Yeah, that's really nice, Laur.
47
00:03:08,820 --> 00:03:10,540
I'm going to put bells on it
48
00:03:10,540 --> 00:03:12,620
so you'll jingle when you
come up the aisle.
49
00:03:12,620 --> 00:03:14,620
Nice.
50
00:03:14,620 --> 00:03:16,660
The bump said it's his favourite.
Did he?
51
00:03:16,660 --> 00:03:18,980
Yeah. Ask him.
52
00:03:20,740 --> 00:03:23,460
When are Paul
and his mum getting here?
53
00:03:23,460 --> 00:03:25,220
Oh, my God.
You're going to love her.
54
00:03:25,220 --> 00:03:28,100
Her clothes are ridiculous.
And his brother's coming.
55
00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:30,940
You should see him, Becks,
he's like...
56
00:03:30,940 --> 00:03:32,700
Have you seen one of those pornos
57
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:34,980
where the boys look
a little bit underage?
58
00:03:34,980 --> 00:03:36,340
No.
59
00:03:36,340 --> 00:03:38,300
Really? Yes.
60
00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:41,620
He's a bit like one of them.
But happier.
61
00:03:41,620 --> 00:03:43,060
Shelly!
62
00:03:44,540 --> 00:03:46,140
Sausages are on!
63
00:03:46,140 --> 00:03:47,540
ALL: Thanks.
64
00:03:47,540 --> 00:03:49,540
What was that?
65
00:03:49,540 --> 00:03:51,580
I was talking to them. Oh.
66
00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,020
You doing me a grapefruit?
67
00:03:55,020 --> 00:03:56,540
Yes.
68
00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:59,260
I need vitamins, Steve,
or the baby melts.
69
00:03:59,260 --> 00:04:00,660
I know.
70
00:04:04,580 --> 00:04:06,940
How is the little bump?
Is he all right?
71
00:04:06,940 --> 00:04:10,020
Yeah. I'm teaching him to speak.
72
00:04:10,020 --> 00:04:11,860
How's that going?
73
00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,380
Well.
74
00:04:13,380 --> 00:04:14,900
Good.
75
00:04:19,140 --> 00:04:24,460
I was just wondering if I could have
a word about me and Becky.
76
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:29,300
Ta-da!
77
00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:33,420
Oh. And have you given any more
thought to readings, Laura?
78
00:04:33,420 --> 00:04:36,180
Yes, Shelly. Nice of you to ask.
79
00:04:36,180 --> 00:04:39,140
I thought each of you could read out
a thing you've written about me.
80
00:04:39,140 --> 00:04:41,700
Just a poem or something. An essay.
81
00:04:41,700 --> 00:04:42,980
A hymn.
82
00:04:42,980 --> 00:04:44,220
OK.
83
00:04:44,220 --> 00:04:46,860
It wouldn't have to be long.
Just five, ten minutes.
84
00:04:46,860 --> 00:04:49,500
15 if you need it.
No more than 20.
85
00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:50,820
That OK, Becks?
86
00:04:50,820 --> 00:04:52,540
Sounds perfect.
87
00:04:52,540 --> 00:04:54,460
I love you.
88
00:04:56,220 --> 00:04:57,500
I love you too.
89
00:04:57,500 --> 00:04:58,620
Good.
90
00:05:00,580 --> 00:05:04,260
Now, this one's in case
we want something off-the-wall
91
00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:05,980
and completely fucking slutty.
92
00:05:05,980 --> 00:05:08,060
Shelly!
93
00:05:08,060 --> 00:05:09,540
DOORBELL RINGS
94
00:05:13,820 --> 00:05:15,700
They've got an inflatable chair.
95
00:05:15,700 --> 00:05:16,980
Lovely.
96
00:05:16,980 --> 00:05:18,980
Yeah. It wobbles when you sit on it.
97
00:05:21,260 --> 00:05:22,580
Is Laura going to be in there?
98
00:05:22,580 --> 00:05:24,180
Yeah. Good.
99
00:05:25,460 --> 00:05:28,460
It's filthy in there.
Just to warn you.
100
00:05:28,460 --> 00:05:30,300
Oh. God. Dirty?
101
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:33,420
Yeah. They're nice people but their
flat is fucking disgusting.
102
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:35,140
Here he is!
103
00:05:35,140 --> 00:05:38,140
Steve, I'd like you to meet Ian,
my biological brother.
104
00:05:38,140 --> 00:05:41,020
Half-brother.
I finally found him!
105
00:05:41,020 --> 00:05:42,900
Ah, nice to meet you.
And you.
106
00:05:42,900 --> 00:05:45,300
Our mum was going to come too
but she's got a meeting.
107
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:46,900
Yeah, she's very busy.
108
00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:49,940
OK. Paul. What's wrong?
Can't I give my own brother a kiss?
109
00:05:49,940 --> 00:05:53,820
No, it's not that...half-brother.
It's not that. It's just...
110
00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:55,660
PAUL LAUGHS
111
00:05:57,420 --> 00:06:00,940
OK, Paul. I think that's enough.
112
00:06:01,980 --> 00:06:03,900
Paul!
113
00:06:05,540 --> 00:06:07,660
I got him on the lips.
No, you didn't.
114
00:06:08,940 --> 00:06:10,620
Come in and meet everyone.
115
00:06:14,260 --> 00:06:15,540
I did that.
116
00:06:15,540 --> 00:06:17,180
Lovely.
117
00:06:17,180 --> 00:06:18,540
Ian's here.
118
00:06:18,540 --> 00:06:20,980
Hello, Ian, baby! Gimme a kiss!
119
00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:22,180
Shit.
120
00:06:22,180 --> 00:06:24,740
Let me introduce you to everyone.
This is Steve.
121
00:06:24,740 --> 00:06:27,580
There's not much to say about him.
This is Shelly.
122
00:06:27,580 --> 00:06:30,220
She's working nights
and going through the menopause.
123
00:06:30,220 --> 00:06:34,660
And this is my sister Becky.
Becky, Shelly, this is Ian.
124
00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:37,620
He's Paul's biological brother.
Half-brother.
125
00:06:37,620 --> 00:06:40,740
Yes, he's my brother, Becky,
but more importantly,
126
00:06:40,740 --> 00:06:42,380
he's my best friend.
127
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:48,140
It's nice to meet you.
Yes. Very nice to meet you, Ian.
128
00:06:49,340 --> 00:06:51,020
Look.
129
00:06:51,020 --> 00:06:53,180
Oh, yes. Lovely.
130
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:55,420
Told you. Yep. Sit on it.
131
00:06:57,340 --> 00:06:58,700
Steve, do you mind if I...?
132
00:06:58,700 --> 00:07:00,020
Go ahead.
133
00:07:06,340 --> 00:07:07,580
Wobbly?
134
00:07:07,580 --> 00:07:09,620
Very.
135
00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:11,900
Talk to him, Shell.
Make conversation.
136
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,780
So what d'you do for a living, Ian?
137
00:07:16,780 --> 00:07:19,380
He works in construction.
They give him a car.
138
00:07:19,380 --> 00:07:20,980
And he's got a French wife.
139
00:07:20,980 --> 00:07:22,820
Ooooooh!
140
00:07:22,820 --> 00:07:26,260
She's English.
And we're not married.
141
00:07:29,660 --> 00:07:34,380
So tell us about construction.
What does that involve?
142
00:07:34,380 --> 00:07:36,860
Buildings and shit? Yeah.
143
00:07:36,860 --> 00:07:40,220
It's buildings and shit. Car parks.
Restaurants. Sheds.
144
00:07:40,220 --> 00:07:42,700
Lovely. Very nice.
145
00:07:42,700 --> 00:07:45,060
It's probably a touch more
specialised, if I'm honest.
146
00:07:45,060 --> 00:07:46,460
Shhhh.
147
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:51,660
Look at him. Isn't he fuckable?
148
00:07:51,660 --> 00:07:53,860
HE LAUGHS
149
00:07:53,860 --> 00:07:55,980
Imagine being his PE teacher.
150
00:07:58,620 --> 00:08:00,180
There are things I could do to you
151
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:03,100
that your wife's never
even heard of.
152
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,100
D'you want some breakfast, Ian?
153
00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:10,620
I'm having a grapefruit.
154
00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:12,340
No. I've eaten. Thank you.
155
00:08:12,340 --> 00:08:13,380
What d'you have?
156
00:08:13,380 --> 00:08:15,340
Toast.
157
00:08:15,340 --> 00:08:17,100
White?
158
00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:19,260
Yep.
159
00:08:19,260 --> 00:08:20,740
That's what I have.
160
00:08:22,020 --> 00:08:23,300
Kingsmill?
161
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:25,380
Warburtons.
162
00:08:27,020 --> 00:08:28,300
Right.
163
00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:34,820
Sorry, Steve. I wasn't told you
were doing a breakfast.
164
00:08:34,820 --> 00:08:38,340
Nor was I till about an hour ago.
165
00:08:38,340 --> 00:08:39,540
Have an egg.
166
00:08:39,540 --> 00:08:41,740
Honestly, I don't want to put
anyone to any trouble.
167
00:08:41,740 --> 00:08:43,660
You're not. Have an egg.
168
00:08:43,660 --> 00:08:46,340
To be honest, we're meant to
be on a detox this month...
169
00:08:46,340 --> 00:08:48,980
Seriously, Ian. Have a fucking egg.
170
00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:53,460
Could I maybe just have an egg?
171
00:08:53,460 --> 00:08:55,780
You don't have to.
He wants an egg.
172
00:08:56,820 --> 00:08:58,140
I'd love an egg.
173
00:08:58,140 --> 00:09:01,140
So these are the two we've
looked at so far.
174
00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:03,540
FIRE ALARM BLARES
Fire! Fire! Fire!
175
00:09:03,540 --> 00:09:06,820
Jesus Christ, Steve! There's a fire!
Steve! There's a fucking fire!
176
00:09:06,820 --> 00:09:09,500
Something's burning in the kitchen!
Shelly, get the fuck up.
177
00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:11,980
Oh, bloody hell.
For God's sake.
178
00:09:11,980 --> 00:09:13,740
HE YELPS
179
00:09:19,060 --> 00:09:21,780
HE COUGHS
180
00:09:21,780 --> 00:09:23,780
ALARM CONTINUES
181
00:09:25,420 --> 00:09:27,220
DOORBELL RINGS
182
00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:32,900
Is that Flat B?!
183
00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:34,580
Yeah!
184
00:09:34,580 --> 00:09:35,980
They don't fucking care!
185
00:09:35,980 --> 00:09:39,540
They don't give a shit
because they're fucking cock-suckers!
186
00:09:39,540 --> 00:09:41,060
They're disgusting.
187
00:09:41,060 --> 00:09:43,540
They just sit there, sucking cock!
188
00:09:43,540 --> 00:09:45,420
And you're just as fucking
disgusting.
189
00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:49,300
You're too fucking weak to...don't
you dare turn your back on me.
190
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:52,260
Jonathan! I'm so angry I could
fucking kill you!
191
00:09:52,260 --> 00:09:53,980
It's not on!
192
00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:56,140
< What's happened, Gina?
193
00:09:56,140 --> 00:09:58,220
Those cock-suckers upstairs.
194
00:09:58,220 --> 00:10:00,540
Calm down, come on.
They're such cock-suckers!
195
00:10:00,540 --> 00:10:01,740
< What's going on?!
196
00:10:01,740 --> 00:10:02,940
He's not answering!
197
00:10:02,940 --> 00:10:04,660
Come inside.
I don't know what to do.
198
00:10:04,660 --> 00:10:06,780
< Were you talking to that
whore downstairs?
199
00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:08,020
No. Of course not.
200
00:10:08,020 --> 00:10:09,980
< You better not be lying to
me, Jonathan!
201
00:10:09,980 --> 00:10:11,060
I'm not lying.
202
00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:13,220
Setting the fire alarm off at this
time of the day.
203
00:10:13,220 --> 00:10:15,060
Come in and I'll do you a coffee.
204
00:10:15,060 --> 00:10:17,940
You can stick your fucking coffee
up your fucking japs-eye!
205
00:10:17,940 --> 00:10:19,900
Come back in and close the door.
206
00:10:19,900 --> 00:10:21,820
I hate living here.
I fucking hate it!
207
00:10:21,820 --> 00:10:23,540
DOOR SLAMS
208
00:10:26,340 --> 00:10:29,860
That's good. I was worried we'd
upset the neighbours.
209
00:10:33,660 --> 00:10:35,660
What is wrong with me today?
210
00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:42,220
Ian's posh, isn't he?
211
00:10:42,220 --> 00:10:43,500
SHE GASPS
212
00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:46,940
Careful with that.
It's the world's sharpest knife.
213
00:10:46,940 --> 00:10:50,420
You're funny. My mum got it me.
It cost her a tenner.
214
00:10:56,580 --> 00:10:59,540
That's one of yours.
215
00:11:02,420 --> 00:11:04,100
Salt's nice, isn't it?
216
00:11:05,780 --> 00:11:07,980
Steve. Salt's nice, isn't it?
217
00:11:07,980 --> 00:11:09,460
What d'you mean?
218
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,900
Salt. It's nice, isn't it?
219
00:11:12,900 --> 00:11:15,220
Yes.
220
00:11:15,220 --> 00:11:16,900
I've never really had it before.
221
00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:19,060
Here we go.
222
00:11:19,060 --> 00:11:21,940
It's nice, though, isn't it?
OK. Let's start from the beginning.
223
00:11:21,940 --> 00:11:24,580
What d'you mean you've
never had salt?
224
00:11:24,580 --> 00:11:26,420
My mum never used to get it.
Yes, she did.
225
00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:28,460
No, she didn't. Yes, she did.
226
00:11:28,460 --> 00:11:30,740
No, she didn't. Why are you lying?
I'm not.
227
00:11:30,740 --> 00:11:33,900
Of course your mum got salt!
What is this bollocks?
228
00:11:33,900 --> 00:11:36,140
Before I met you
I never used to eat it.
229
00:11:36,140 --> 00:11:37,420
Bullshit.
230
00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:38,580
I didn't!
231
00:11:38,580 --> 00:11:41,780
That is complete
and utter fucking bullshit.
232
00:11:43,420 --> 00:11:44,660
Thanks for that.
233
00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:47,020
Becks!
I want you to try this dress on!
234
00:11:47,020 --> 00:11:48,860
You're my chief bridesmaid, baby!
235
00:11:48,860 --> 00:11:51,340
Just try it on and she'll shut up.
236
00:11:52,580 --> 00:11:54,420
Why would anyone want to get married?
237
00:11:54,420 --> 00:11:56,700
So, this is the hallway
Very nice.
238
00:11:56,700 --> 00:11:59,940
That's a table. They keep their
stationery in it. Any loose items.
239
00:11:59,940 --> 00:12:02,540
Letters. Matches.
There's sometimes a mug on it.
240
00:12:02,540 --> 00:12:04,900
Is there? Yeah, ask Steve.
241
00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:13,100
Morning, campers. Hello.
242
00:12:16,260 --> 00:12:19,740
Do you know if...is Shelly in there?
243
00:12:28,020 --> 00:12:31,940
Hey, Steve, everything OK?
I heard an alarm.
244
00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:39,220
I thought I-I heard an alarm.
Alarm. I heard an alarm.
245
00:12:50,820 --> 00:12:54,340
Hey, Steve! I heard an alarm.
246
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:55,900
Oh, sorry if I woke you up.
247
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:58,980
No, don't worry.
I've been awake since four.
248
00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:04,140
Shelly here?
249
00:13:04,140 --> 00:13:06,700
Yeah.
250
00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:09,900
Sausages?
251
00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:12,380
Yeah. Excellent.
252
00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:14,740
Hello, Dan.
253
00:13:14,740 --> 00:13:16,780
Hello, Paul. I heard an alarm.
254
00:13:16,780 --> 00:13:18,140
Laura!
255
00:13:18,140 --> 00:13:20,500
D'you want to come
into the kitchen for a moment
256
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,060
to talk about your grapefruit?
257
00:13:22,060 --> 00:13:23,140
No!
258
00:13:23,140 --> 00:13:25,820
Now, come on, Becks.
Put it on or I'll thump you.
259
00:13:25,820 --> 00:13:28,580
It's just not very me,
though, is it, Laur?
260
00:13:28,580 --> 00:13:31,060
Well, that's not very Shelly,
but she doesn't mind.
261
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:35,100
SHE GIGGLES
262
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:37,860
And Dan, this is Ian,
my biological brother.
263
00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:39,180
Half-brother.
264
00:13:39,180 --> 00:13:40,300
Stop saying that.
265
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:42,420
I found our mum on the internet,
266
00:13:42,420 --> 00:13:45,460
tracked this one down to his offices
and we've never looked back.
267
00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:48,260
Nope. We've never looked back.
Nope. We've never looked back.
268
00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:49,700
HE LAUGHS
269
00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:51,660
I stayed round his flat
the other night.
270
00:13:53,260 --> 00:13:54,980
TOILET FLUSHES
271
00:13:57,740 --> 00:14:00,860
Oi, Ian. Come
and have a look in the kitchen.
272
00:14:02,220 --> 00:14:05,740
No, it's just some flooding or
something from the prick upstairs.
273
00:14:05,740 --> 00:14:10,340
Yeah, and it's all
come down through here. Right.
274
00:14:10,340 --> 00:14:12,620
Yeah, it was definitely water,
but it stinks.
275
00:14:12,620 --> 00:14:14,300
I can still smell it.
276
00:14:15,380 --> 00:14:16,780
Rick? Rick?
277
00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:18,220
HE TUTS
278
00:14:26,820 --> 00:14:27,860
Are you happy?
279
00:14:27,860 --> 00:14:29,780
What d'you mean?
280
00:14:29,780 --> 00:14:31,580
Are you happy, Becks?
281
00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:34,060
Are you happy with
the state your life's in?
282
00:14:34,060 --> 00:14:35,660
You can tell me.
283
00:14:35,660 --> 00:14:38,100
Yeah, I'm happy.
284
00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:44,340
D'you think she looks happy?
285
00:14:46,220 --> 00:14:48,700
Yeah.
286
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:50,740
Hmm.
287
00:14:50,740 --> 00:14:54,820
Do you? Tell me if I'm poking
my nose in where it's not wanted.
288
00:14:54,820 --> 00:14:56,380
No. It's fine. Great.
289
00:14:56,380 --> 00:14:58,820
It's just...it doesn't
really feel to me
290
00:14:58,820 --> 00:15:00,740
like you and Steve have any hobbies.
291
00:15:00,740 --> 00:15:04,700
I've never had any hobbies.
What about the violin?
292
00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:10,140
I was seven. And judo. It's such
a shame you didn't keep up the judo.
293
00:15:10,140 --> 00:15:13,260
I'd just...and again,
tell me to mind my own business,
294
00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:15,820
but I would hate it
if Steve was holding you back
295
00:15:15,820 --> 00:15:19,020
from following your dreams
with the violin. Or judo.
296
00:15:19,020 --> 00:15:21,420
It's fine. He's not.
297
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:23,580
Good. Excellent.
298
00:15:25,260 --> 00:15:27,060
So I don't need to be worried, then.
299
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,500
No.
300
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:29,780
Excellent.
301
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:36,580
Because for me, I just think
if you have a god-given talent...
302
00:15:36,580 --> 00:15:37,860
It's fine, Laur.
303
00:15:37,860 --> 00:15:39,860
Great.
304
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,980
That's Steve's.
305
00:15:44,980 --> 00:15:46,820
Oh, yeah.
306
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:49,380
Oh, my God! I felt the baby kick.
307
00:15:49,380 --> 00:15:52,180
Ian! Come feel my tummy!
308
00:15:52,180 --> 00:15:54,340
OK, Laura!
309
00:15:54,340 --> 00:15:55,940
So what are you doing tonight?
310
00:15:55,940 --> 00:15:57,940
D'you fancy a pint
and a chat about Mum?
311
00:15:57,940 --> 00:16:01,500
Oh. I'd love to. But I'm going for
a drink with a friend. I'll come.
312
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:03,100
OK. Ian!
313
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:04,140
Wait!
314
00:16:05,420 --> 00:16:08,100
Or...or we could go down the gym.
315
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:09,300
Sharp, isn't it?
316
00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:10,940
Yeah. Really sharp.
317
00:16:12,300 --> 00:16:15,300
And then tomorrow this bloke
I know's organised a dog fight.
318
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:17,340
Tomorrow's really bad for me.
319
00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:21,420
Well, Monday, then. D'you like
swimming? Or we could go Tuesday?
320
00:16:21,420 --> 00:16:24,020
Between five and six
they bring out the floats.
321
00:16:24,020 --> 00:16:25,500
Ian, darling!
322
00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:27,780
One minute, Laura!
We're making arrangements!
323
00:16:28,820 --> 00:16:30,860
Come feel my tummy.
There's a good boy.
324
00:16:30,860 --> 00:16:32,620
Can I have a word, Laura? OK.
325
00:16:34,220 --> 00:16:36,020
Oh, you do look funny
in that, Shell.
326
00:16:36,020 --> 00:16:38,460
It's because it doesn't fit,
d'you know what I mean?
327
00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:39,620
Yeah.
328
00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:45,500
Look at her, Ian. Look at her tits.
329
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,100
Can you...?
330
00:16:48,460 --> 00:16:49,900
Look at them, Ian.
331
00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:52,420
That's fine. Fine.
332
00:16:52,420 --> 00:16:53,820
HE EXHALES
333
00:16:53,820 --> 00:16:55,860
< I think it's maybe a little bit
small for me.
334
00:16:55,860 --> 00:16:57,420
< Understatement of the year.
335
00:16:57,420 --> 00:16:59,580
LAURA GIGGLES, THEN SHELLY
336
00:16:59,580 --> 00:17:00,940
Thanks, Steve.
337
00:17:00,940 --> 00:17:04,460
You should've seen her, Ian.
She puts this dress on and I'm like,
338
00:17:04,460 --> 00:17:08,340
as I'm watching her I'm thinking,
"Good luck doing that up, Shell."
339
00:17:08,340 --> 00:17:11,660
And anyway she puts it on and me
and Becks are standing there
340
00:17:11,660 --> 00:17:13,980
while she's got her top off.
341
00:17:13,980 --> 00:17:15,420
She's got no shame.
342
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:18,940
And she put it on and I was like,
343
00:17:18,940 --> 00:17:21,140
"Oh, my God, Shell,
you look great in that."
344
00:17:21,140 --> 00:17:24,220
And she was like, "Do I really?"
And I was like, "No! Of course not!"
345
00:17:24,220 --> 00:17:26,060
TEXT BEEPS
346
00:17:26,060 --> 00:17:28,140
That's funny, isn't it, Ian?
Isn't it, though?
347
00:17:28,140 --> 00:17:30,620
Yeah. Absolutely hilarious.
348
00:17:30,620 --> 00:17:33,140
Have you ever felt a baby kick?
No, I haven't.
349
00:17:33,140 --> 00:17:36,100
And to be perfectly honest I'm not
sure it's really for me.
350
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:37,780
TEXT BEEPS
Of course it is.
351
00:17:37,780 --> 00:17:39,540
Not sure it is. Touch it. Go on.
352
00:17:39,540 --> 00:17:41,060
Touch her stomach.
353
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,780
Can you feel him in there?
Yes. Definitely.
354
00:17:43,780 --> 00:17:46,100
TEXT BEEPS
355
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:48,900
Look at him, Shell.
He's got a hard on.
356
00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,300
I don't.
357
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:52,020
One for the wank bank.
358
00:17:52,020 --> 00:17:55,420
You can have a little play with
yourself later.
359
00:17:55,420 --> 00:17:58,540
D'you know what?
I should probably be going, actually.
360
00:17:58,540 --> 00:17:59,660
No way.
361
00:17:59,660 --> 00:18:02,300
Laura, could I have that
word about your grapefruit, please?
362
00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:04,820
Ugh. He's so banal.
363
00:18:04,820 --> 00:18:07,900
You can't go yet.
I haven't shown you the bathroom.
364
00:18:07,900 --> 00:18:09,740
Oh. Yes. Thank you.
365
00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:11,220
Come on.
366
00:18:12,220 --> 00:18:15,620
Careful, Shell.
Just scream if he touches you.
367
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,600
How was work last night?
368
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,560
Oh, you know.
369
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:26,120
Yeah.
370
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:29,160
SHE STIFLES A YAWN
371
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,920
You should be in bed.
372
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:36,520
I know.
373
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,280
You look lovely in that.
374
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:41,520
I look disgusting.
375
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,560
As if.
376
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:51,280
I found this.
377
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,720
That's lovely.
378
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:58,040
Yeah. Thanks. It was in a hedge.
379
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:00,600
Very nice.
380
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:12,080
And then, once you've quartered
them and removed the pips,
381
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:15,960
you sprinkle them with truffles and
then set them in a raspberry jus.
382
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,320
OK.
383
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:19,920
So I just wanted to talk to
you about me and Becky
384
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:21,160
and the fact that we...
385
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,640
Can you shut the window, Steve?
I'm freezing my bollocks off.
386
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:35,400
Sorry if I was a bit...you know
when we did things.
387
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,120
No. Don't worry.
388
00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:39,640
I don't know what to do
with my hands.
389
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,680
Don't worry.
390
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,080
Put them behind your head.
391
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:53,240
D'you want to come
and see me at work tonight?
392
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,040
I'd love that.
393
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:04,360
So. Laura. How are you
feeling about the wedding?
394
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:06,280
It's great news you've set a date.
395
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:08,600
Are you coming on to me?
396
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,120
No. Of course not.
397
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:15,240
Because I would never do that
to Becks, unless you were fit.
398
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,360
OK. I'm not coming on
to you. I just...
399
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:21,840
I'm really excited for you.
You should water that.
400
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:25,280
Thanks. But it's just very exciting,
isn't it, because...
401
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,640
marriage is in the air, isn't it?
402
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,720
Are you going to cut up
my grapefruit?
403
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,800
Or am I just going to stand
here like a lesbian?
404
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,640
OK. So...if I married Becky.
405
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,240
SHE SNORTS
That's not going to happen.
406
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,480
OK, look.
407
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,040
I know we like to have a bit
of banter between the two of us
408
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,000
but let's just be serious
for a minute,
409
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,280
and I will be talking
to your dad as well, of course.
410
00:20:55,280 --> 00:21:00,040
Don't ask her to marry you, Steve.
She doesn't like you.
411
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:04,440
She doesn't care about you.
She doesn't love you. No-one does.
412
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:08,680
You're a prick. You've got no job
and you're going to die.
413
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:12,960
There's nothing interesting or
famous about you whatsoever.
414
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:16,640
Your parents are divorced
and the best thing you could do
415
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:20,360
would be to fuck off out
of Becky's life and hang yourself.
416
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:21,760
HE GRUNTS, SHE SCREAMS
417
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,720
Shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
418
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,440
Don't get it on the grapefruit!
419
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:26,720
Oh. Bloody hell.
420
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,680
SHELLY WAILS
Stop over-reacting.
421
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,440
The world's sharpest knife!
You've got blood on my grapefruit.
422
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,680
Hold it above your head.
423
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,640
Hold it above your head,
for fuck's sake!
424
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:38,160
Come into the bathroom.
425
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,000
Look at it.
426
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:45,880
Look.
427
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,400
Put it under the tap.
428
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:10,040
I was cutting up
her bloody grapefruit.
429
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:13,240
I was using the knife
and it's very sharp.
430
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:18,400
I know. It's the sharpest
knife in the whole wide world.
431
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:19,880
Now give me your thumb.
432
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,240
I liked your text.
433
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:33,880
SMOKE ALARM BLARES
Oh, God! That'll be the toast!
434
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,400
Steve. Calm down.
435
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,680
Think about nice things.
Come on. Calm down.
436
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,880
I'm dealing with it.
Turn it off at the plug, Paul.
437
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,880
I'm dealing with it, Ian.
Fire! Fire!
438
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,360
There's no fire,
it's just the toast!
439
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:48,080
What nice things are you
thinking about?
440
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,360
Eggs.
441
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:57,600
ALARM STOPS
What about them?
442
00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:02,480
They should sell just the yolks
in a carton, like 50 egg yolks
443
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:06,280
all mixed together,
so no-one has to eat the white bit.
444
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,160
You could have a yolk
the size of an omelette.
445
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:14,120
You could dip a baguette in it.
446
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:22,080
OK? Is that better?
447
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:28,960
How about now?
448
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,320
Nice bow.
449
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,960
Thanks. Yeah. It's pretty, isn't it?
450
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:43,840
Lovely.
451
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,200
I like a bow.
452
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:46,800
No. It suits you.
453
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:49,120
Thanks.
454
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,720
Would you still love me
455
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:57,600
if I wore this every day
for the rest of my life?
456
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,680
Probably.
457
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,200
COMMOTION OUTSIDE
458
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:05,800
< Please put the knife away! It's
reckless and it's bloody dangerous!
459
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:09,120
I'm sorry but I will not be
treated in this manner any longer.
460
00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:11,400
It's completely inappropriate.
461
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,920
You've brought me here and I've
been the model of good behaviour
462
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:18,880
and yet I've met with
nothing but threats and crudity.
463
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:21,440
Now, I was perfectly amenable to
coming here, Paul,
464
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:23,320
and to make acquaintance
with you all.
465
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:25,960
But that does not give you
a carte blanche to treat me
466
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:29,600
in the way that frankly you wouldn't
even treat an animal
467
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:33,800
and to poke me with what is
by Steve's own admission a very sharp knife.
468
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:38,560
So will you all please
just...shove off?!
469
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:43,200
THEY LAUGH
470
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:46,800
You're such a wally,
d'you know that?
471
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,360
Seriously, Ian.
You say some funny things.
472
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:51,640
Just like Mum. It's hilarious!
473
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:54,840
Let's have some breakfast.
474
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:58,400
Come on, put some more
toast on, Shell.
475
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,600
Ah! That does look nice
on you, Becks.
476
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,720
Becky was saying
she wants a bigger bow.
477
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:06,000
That's such a good idea.
478
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:08,560
MUSIC: "Boom Bang-A-Bang"
by Lulu
479
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,960
? Come closer, come closer and listen
480
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:16,880
? The beat of my heart
keeps on missing
481
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:20,400
? I notice it most when were kissing
482
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:24,320
Come on, mate. Let's get you an egg.
483
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:25,960
Thanks.
484
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:27,440
? That's right
485
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:31,440
? Come closer
and cuddle me tight... ?
486
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:33,440
For fuck's sake.
487
00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:35,080
? My heart goes
488
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:37,080
? Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
489
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:38,800
? When you are near
490
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,720
? Boom bang-a-bang,
boom bang-a-bang
491
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:42,800
? Loud in my ear
492
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:44,680
? Pounding away, pounding away
493
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,440
? Won't you be mine?
494
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:49,360
? Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time
495
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:54,000
? It's such a lovely feeling
496
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:58,040
? When I'm in your arms
497
00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:02,040
? Don't go away
I wanna stay my whole life through
498
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,160
? Boom bang-a-bang-bang
Close to you. ?
499
00:26:04,210 --> 00:26:08,760
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