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>> "TOSH.0" FEATURES VIDEOS FROM
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THE INTERNET, AND IS INTENDED
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FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE.
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COMMENTDY CENTRAL DOES NOT
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CONDONE THE ACTIVITIES PERFORMED
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AND EDITION COURAGING ANYONE
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FROM ATTEMPTING THEM.
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ENJOY.
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[APPLAUSE]
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*[MUSIC]*
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>> Daniel: NOTHING A FEW MORE
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CYCLES OF STEROIDS CAN'T FIX.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0".
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LET'S SQUASH THE RUMORS RIGHT
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NOW AS OF NEXT YEAR, I WILL BE
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LEAVING COMEDY CENTRAL.
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TO HOST LIGHT NIGHT WITH DANIEL
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TOSH ON NBC.
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AWE, YES, IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY
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DREAM TO BE THE NEXT JIMMY
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FALLON, MAINLY BECAUSE IT
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WOULDN'T BE HARD.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, I TEACH
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THESE SMALL MINDED CAM WHORES A
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LESSON, AND SHOW OFF MY SEXY
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NAUSEANT, AND I RUNNER RANDS
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WITH THE CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD.
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ALL RIGHT, LET US HOPE ALL THESE
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GUYS WILL STICK BY HIM DURING
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HIS REHABILITATION.
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PROKED FLINSTONE MADE IT LOOK SO
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EASY.
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OH, IT IS GOING TO BE HARD
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TUCKING AN AIRPLANE WAYHIS TEETH
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AFTER THAT.
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[BLEEP].
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>> FROM NOW ON, IF ANYBODY IS
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LIFTING A HALF TON BOULDER LET'S
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JUST HAVE AN AMBULANCE ON STAND
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BY.
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THANKFULLY, NOTHING LIKE THIS
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HAS EVER HAPPENED IN OUR OFFICE
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STRONG MAN COMPETITION.
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[APPLAUSE]
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[CHEERING].
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>> COME ON.
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[APPLAUSE]
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[CHEERS]
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[APPLAUSE]
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[CHEERING].
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>> ALL RIGHT, I STRUGGLED WITH
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THAT EVENT BECAUSE I WAS SO
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GASSED FROM THE ALL IN ONE PRINT
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TOSS.
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THE REAL DANGER OF SECOND HAND
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SMOKE IS LOOKING TOO COOL.
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>> OH.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> LLOYD, QUIT SCREWING AROUND
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AND GET E. ON THE PHONE.
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ME, CHINESE, ME PLAY JOKE, ME
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MAKE YOU EAT CIGARETTE SMOKE.
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THIS MEANS WITH HAVE A NEW POPE,
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AND HE'S A SWOLE LOWER.
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AND AMERICAN, THE ONLY PLACE
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WHERE YOU CAN STILL SMOKE IS
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INSIDE A LUCA BAR.
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>> WHAT ARE WE SPOKING?
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I USED TO BE A MODEL.
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>> THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY
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GUESS.
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>> GET OFF MY T.V. TRUTH
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CAMPAIGN.
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INSTEAD OF WASTING MILLIONS ON
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ANTISMOKING COMMERCIALS, HOW
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ABOUT YOU JUST HANDOUT 20-DOLLAR
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BILLS TO KIDS WHO DON'T SMOKE.
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AND SO ANYONE LEFT ON THIS
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MANAGE ET UNDER THE IMPRESSION
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THAT SMOKING ISN'T BAD FOR YOU,
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YOU DESERVE A LONG SLOW DEATH.
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NOW, LET'S LIGHTEN THINGS UP.
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ON AVERAGE, 1200 PEOPLE A YEAR
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DIE SHOVELING SNOW.
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LET'S SEE IF LIT BE 1201.
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>> WHAT?
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HOW DID THAT GET ON OUR SHOW.
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HAPPY ENDINGS ARE NOT HOW I KEEP
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THE LIGHTS ON.
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MOVING ON, THIS NEXT KID PROVES
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THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN
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SUPER MODEL AND CIRCUS FREAK.
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LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE
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CLOCK, AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY
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COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.
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ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL OTHER
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KIDS REALIZE THEY CAN TIE HIS
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EYES SHUT.
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OWN THAN THIS LITTLE SIDE
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EFFECT, GOOGLE GLASSES WORK LIKE
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A CHARM.
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TAKES HIM AN HOUR EACH MORNING
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JUST TO DEEYE BUGGER THOSE
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THINGS.
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SOMEBODY PUT A SILVER BULL NET
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THAT KID BEFORE THE NEXT FULL
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MOON.
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THAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU LET
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ANTHONY DAVIS RAW DOG IT.
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OKAY, IT IS NO SECRET THAT WOMEN
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LOVE HOME MADE GIFTS.
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>> HEY.
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>>> PASSING TO YOUR RIGHT IS
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JUST SOLID TABLE ETIQUETTE.
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HOW ELSE WAS HE SUPPOSED TO
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POINT OUT IF SHE IS INTO THAT?
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> NOT A BAD WAY TO GET A GIRL
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TO TAKE HER TOP OFF A.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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>> THIS IS HOW TO HAVE A
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TRANTRIC ORGASM ALL BY YOURSELF.
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ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THINK
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ABOUT SOMEBODY, BRING THEM INTO
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YOUR ENERGY FIELD, AND LET THE
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REST TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.
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I WILL SHOW YOU HOW ID DONE.
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>> YOU HAD ME AT ALL BY
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YOURSELF, YOU SHIRT LESS
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CANADIAN.
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NOW, LET'S LEARN HOW TO
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FEVERISHLY MEDITATE IN THIS
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WEEK'S BREAK DOWN.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> MASSETER MIND JOB AND YOU'LL
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CUT YOUR LUBE BUDGET IN HALF.
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>> WRANGLERS ARE AN ODD CHOICE,
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BUT THE YOU FIT CROTCH WILL MAKE
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A GREAT RECEPTACLE.
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I WOULD RATHER JUST TAKE YOGA
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CLASSES UNTILKY BLOW MYSELF.
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I'M THIS FAR.
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NOT ONLY DOES IT FEEL GREAT, IT
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IS ALSO A DISCREET WAY TO KILL
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TIME DURING THE SLOW PARTS OF
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CHURCH.
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HEY, SINCE YOUR HANDS ARE FREE,
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WHY NOT PLAY WITH YOUR B CUP.
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IFKY EJACULATE WITHOUT USING MY
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HANDSES I WOULD EAT BUFFALO
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WINGS.
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RIGHT, BECAUSE THEY ARE SO
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DELICIOUS, YET SO MESSY.
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>> TURNING KIND OF RED, LIKE HIS
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WHOLE BODY IS ASHAMED OF WHAT IS
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ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
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HE IS EITHER FIGHTING OFF A BIG
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SNEEZE, OR HIS ENERGY FIELD IS
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BEING PLOWED BY SEXY GHOSTS.
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WRAP IT UP, THE FAMILY WAIT
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TOGETHER GET THEIR EASTER
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PORTRAIT TAKE SEASON A LITTLE
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FREAKED OUT.
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YOU KNOW WHAT ALSO FEELS GREAT,
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ANOTHER PERSON.
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WHEW!
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WHEW!
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THERE YOU HAVE IT.
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>> SEEMS LIKE A GOOD WAY TO GUNK
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UP YOUR ZIPPER.
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I AM JUST GLAD HE DOESN'T FEEL
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THE NEED TO PROVE IT, FOR THAT
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WE THANK YOU.
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WE WILL BE BACK SHORTLY, BUT
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FIRST IT IS GROCERY SHOPPING
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WITH CARROT TOP.
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>> HEY, CARROT TOP?
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HUH?
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>> I GET IT.
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THAT'S FUNNY.
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[BLEEP] KILL ME, SERIOUSLY.
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>> DO YOU WANT TO HEAR MY MIDGET
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CONVERSATION?
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YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE GOING TO
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TALK ABOUT, WE ARE GOING TO TALK
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ABOUT MIDGETS.
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>> MIDGETS NEVER COMMIT CRIMES.
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AND EVEN IF THEY DO --
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>> YOU KNOW WHY?
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THE ONLY REASON WHY THEY COMMIT
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CRIMES IS.
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>> BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO LITTLE
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TO GET AWAY.
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>> YOU KNOW WHAT AENEID JET WILL
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NEED TO GET IN A GET AWAY CAR.
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>> ANOTHER MIDGET.
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MIDGETS HAVE TO GO TO THEIR OWN
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MIDGET PRISON.
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BECAUSE.
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>> THEY CAN'T FIT THROUGH THE
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BARS.
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>> THEY CAN FIT THROUGH THE BAR,
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THEY CAN'T GO TO THE REGULAR
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PRISON.
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[BLEEP] IN A REGULAR PRISON.
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AND THAT'S WHY BECAUSE THEY ARE
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GOING TO GET [BLEEP] OUT OF THE
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[BLEEP].
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>> SIT OKAY TOO RAFFI A GIRL
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JUST TO SHUT HER UP?
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CLASSY COEDS ARE KAY LEN ASHLEY,
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AND THEY NEED TO PICK ON SOMEONE
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THEIR OWN SIZE.
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YOU NEED TO BE SENSITIVE, EVEN
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THOUGH EVERY JOKE FLIES OVER
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THEIR HEADS.
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IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT
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IT IS LIKE TO BE AN L.P., JUST
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CATCH ONE AND ASK.
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TO BE CLEAR, L.P. STANDS FOR
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LITTLE PERSON, NOT TO BE
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CONFUSED WITH P.R.ES, WHICH ARE
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PUERTO RICANS.
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THEY ARE JUST AS SHORT BUT
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LOUDER.
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INFORM THERE ARE WERE A MOUNT
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RUSH MOORE OF L.P.'S IT WOULD
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HAVE BRIDGET THE MIDGET, AND
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REESE WITHERSPOON.
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IT WOULD BE BE MORE OF A HILL
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THAN A MOUNTAIN.
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THERE'S A 25% CHANCE FOR AN L.P.
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COUP TOLL HAVE AN AVERAGE SIZE
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KID, BUT IT'S 100% IMPOSSIBLE
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FOR THEM TO TELL THAT KID WHAT
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TO DO.
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DID YOU KNOW THAT A DWARF ORGY
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IS CALLED A WESOME.
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TECHNICALLY, IT'S LEGAL TO BE
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DOWN WITH L.P.P., BUT DON'T BE
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SURPRISED WHEN NO ONE WANTS TO
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LEAVE YOU ALONE WITH THEIR
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CHILDREN.
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BEING AN L.P. ISN'T ALL BAD, YOU
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SAVE A TON OF MONEY SHOPPING AT
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BABY GAP.
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AND RIDING A GOLDEN RETRIEVER IS
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GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.
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DEEP DOWN, KALIN AND ASHLEY ARE
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GOOD PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST BEING A
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LITTLE SHORTSIGHTED, THAT'S WHY
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I DECIDED TO BE THE BIGGER MAN
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AND FLY THEM TO L.A. FOR SOME
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SMALL TALK IN THIS WEEK'S WEB
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REDEMPTION.
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>> ALL RIGHT, SO YOU KNOW WE
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THINK ABOUT MIDGETS.
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>> YEAH.
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>> KNOCK IT OFF, YOU DO NOT WANT
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TO MAKE FUN OF THOSE PEOPLE.
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LADIES THEY ARE VERY HE TEN.
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>> KAYLA AND ASH ALLY.
263
00:09:44,767 --> 00:09:45,367
>> YES.
264
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:46,427
>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
265
00:09:46,433 --> 00:09:46,873
>> SAN DIEGO.
266
00:09:46,867 --> 00:09:47,727
>> ARE YOU IN SCHOOL.
267
00:09:47,733 --> 00:09:48,173
>> YES.
268
00:09:48,167 --> 00:09:49,927
>> I GO TO S.S.U.
269
00:09:49,933 --> 00:09:51,703
>> I GOT TO A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
270
00:09:51,700 --> 00:09:53,070
>> OH,'M SORRY.
271
00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:54,297
HOW LONG AGO WAS THIS VIDEO.
272
00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:55,570
>> TWO MONTHS AGO.
273
00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:58,597
>> WHY DID YOU MAKE THIS.
274
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:01,500
>> SO WE SAW THIS BUILDING AND
275
00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:04,670
IT WAS EARLIER THAT DAY.
276
00:10:04,667 --> 00:10:07,167
AND ID HAD BARBED WIRE, SO THEN
277
00:10:07,167 --> 00:10:09,197
WE WENT OUT TO DOWNTOWN, AND WE
278
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,830
GOT REALLY DRUNK, SO I GUESS OUR
279
00:10:11,833 --> 00:10:14,373
DRUNK RAMBLINGNESS JUST STARTED
280
00:10:14,367 --> 00:10:15,667
RAMBLING ABOUT MIDGET PRISONS.
281
00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:17,367
>> FIRST, LET'S CLEAR THIS UP.
282
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:19,067
YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO
283
00:10:19,067 --> 00:10:20,997
IN THIS DAY AND AGE, SAY THE M
284
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:21,570
WORD.
285
00:10:21,567 --> 00:10:22,397
>> LITTLE PEOPLE.
286
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,030
>> DID YOU KNOW THAT OR NOT KNOW
287
00:10:24,033 --> 00:10:24,333
THAT.
288
00:10:24,333 --> 00:10:27,873
>> I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A
289
00:10:27,867 --> 00:10:28,327
SOCIAL CLASS.
290
00:10:28,333 --> 00:10:29,833
>> YOU WERE UNAWARE THAT THEY
291
00:10:29,833 --> 00:10:31,633
FIND THAT TERM DISRESPECTFUL.
292
00:10:31,633 --> 00:10:33,903
>> WE REALIZE WE WERE BEING
293
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:34,200
RUIZ.
294
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:34,730
>> YOU REALIZE IT.
295
00:10:34,733 --> 00:10:38,233
>> YEAH, I THINK WE WERE BEING
296
00:10:38,233 --> 00:10:38,633
SARCASTIC.
297
00:10:38,633 --> 00:10:40,073
>> WHEN YOU ARE SARCASTIC, HOW
298
00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:41,467
DO YOU REFER TO BLACK PEOPLE.
299
00:10:41,467 --> 00:10:43,767
>> I DON'T SAY THE N WORD.
300
00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:44,967
>> BECAUSE IT IS OFFENSIVE?
301
00:10:44,967 --> 00:10:46,067
>> BECAUSE THEY CAN DO SOMETHING
302
00:10:46,067 --> 00:10:47,927
ABOUT IT.
303
00:10:47,933 --> 00:10:49,273
BECAUSE YOU GET IN TROUBLE FOR
304
00:10:49,267 --> 00:10:49,767
THE VIDEO.
305
00:10:49,767 --> 00:10:51,997
>> WE HAD TWO DISLIKES ON
306
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:52,330
YOUTUBE.
307
00:10:52,333 --> 00:10:53,773
>> MOST PEOPLE THOUGHT IT WAS
308
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:55,227
FUNNY, SOME PEOPLE SAID WE WERE
309
00:10:55,233 --> 00:10:56,773
ANNOYING BUT NO LITTLE PEOPLE
310
00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:57,997
SAID ANYTHING TO US ABOUT IT.
311
00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,730
>> HOW COULD YOU TELL WERE THEY
312
00:10:59,733 --> 00:11:01,233
IN LOWER CASE?
313
00:11:01,233 --> 00:11:02,633
IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK.
314
00:11:02,633 --> 00:11:05,603
>> JUST YOUR THEORY OF LITTLE
315
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,830
PEOPLE, AND THEIR PRISON, YOU
316
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,603
SAID THEY COULD DON'T TO PRISON
317
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:10,400
BECAUSE THEY WOULD SLIP THROUGH
318
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:11,200
THE BARS.
319
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,800
THEIR HEADS ARE THE SAME SIZE IF
320
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:14,230
NOT LARGER.
321
00:11:14,233 --> 00:11:16,703
>> I DIDN'T TAKE INTO
322
00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:17,700
CONSIDERATION THEIR LARGER
323
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:18,070
HEADS.
324
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:20,097
>> DO YOU KNOW THE TWO MAIN
325
00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:21,230
TYPES OF DWARFISM.
326
00:11:21,233 --> 00:11:22,933
>> SMALL AND SUPER SMALL.
327
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:25,603
>> PROPORTIONAL AND
328
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:26,730
DISPROPORTIONATE, CAN YOU
329
00:11:26,733 --> 00:11:27,073
DEFINE.
330
00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:28,267
>> THE FEAR OF MIDGETS IN.
331
00:11:28,267 --> 00:11:28,767
>> NO.
332
00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:29,867
>> LITTLE PEOPLE?
333
00:11:29,867 --> 00:11:32,867
>> NO, EVERYTHING YOU SAY SOUNDS
334
00:11:32,867 --> 00:11:33,727
SOMEWHAT OFFENSIVE.
335
00:11:33,733 --> 00:11:35,103
DO YOU KNOW WHAT LITTLE PEOPLE
336
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:36,230
REFER TO YOU GUYS AS.
337
00:11:36,233 --> 00:11:37,073
>> PROBABLY A GIANT.
338
00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:38,327
>> I'M SIX-FOOT.
339
00:11:38,333 --> 00:11:40,303
>> YOU ARE SIX FEET, THEY CALL
340
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:41,600
US AVERAGE.
341
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:42,500
AVERAGES.
342
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:45,070
WOULD EITHER ONE OF YOU HAVE SEX
343
00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:45,667
WITH A LITTLE PERSON.
344
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:47,127
>> I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS IT
345
00:11:47,133 --> 00:11:47,973
DEPENDS.
346
00:11:47,967 --> 00:11:48,627
MOST LIKELY NO.
347
00:11:48,633 --> 00:11:50,103
>> I PLEAD THE FIFTH.
348
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,300
>> HAVE YOU HAD SEX WITH A
349
00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:51,730
LITTLE PERSON.
350
00:11:51,733 --> 00:11:52,203
>> I HAVE NOT.
351
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,930
>> I ASSUME YOU DATE BLACK
352
00:11:53,933 --> 00:11:54,273
PEOPLE.
353
00:11:54,267 --> 00:11:55,927
>> NO, WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME
354
00:11:55,933 --> 00:11:56,233
THAT.
355
00:11:56,233 --> 00:11:57,333
>> BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOVE
356
00:11:57,333 --> 00:11:57,703
AVERAGE.
357
00:11:57,700 --> 00:11:58,800
>> NO, I DON'T BLACK PEOPLE.
358
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,700
>> I MEAN I DOES HE WANT -- NOT
359
00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:02,330
THAT, I JUST NEVER HAVE.
360
00:12:02,333 --> 00:12:03,133
>> YOU HAVE NEVER DATE ADD BLACK
361
00:12:03,133 --> 00:12:03,473
PERSON?
362
00:12:03,467 --> 00:12:04,667
>> HAVE YOU EVER FOOLED AROUND
363
00:12:04,667 --> 00:12:05,267
WITH EACH OTHER.
364
00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:05,597
>> NO.
365
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:06,800
>> WILL YOU NO.
366
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:07,330
>> NO.
367
00:12:07,333 --> 00:12:08,373
>> ON CAMERA FOR MONEY.
368
00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:08,697
>> NO.
369
00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:10,630
>> HAVE EITHER ONE OF YOU EVER
370
00:12:10,633 --> 00:12:14,333
SEEN L.P. IMPORTANT.
371
00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:14,603
>> .
372
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:15,870
>> LOOK IT UP, DO YOU WANT TO BE
373
00:12:15,867 --> 00:12:17,467
A MOTHER ONE DAY.
374
00:12:17,467 --> 00:12:17,797
>> YES.
375
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,230
>> YOU KNOW YOU WILL BOTH HAVE
376
00:12:19,233 --> 00:12:19,903
L.P.ES FOR KIDS.
377
00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:21,230
>> KARMA.
378
00:12:21,233 --> 00:12:22,833
>> YOU GUYS CLEARLY HAVEN'T
379
00:12:22,833 --> 00:12:24,433
LEARNED YOUR LESSON, SO I'M
380
00:12:24,433 --> 00:12:26,173
THINKING THAT I SEND YOU TO
381
00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:27,527
LITTLE PERSON PRISON, IN A NEW
382
00:12:27,533 --> 00:12:29,073
PROGRAM CALL ADD LITTLE SCARED
383
00:12:29,067 --> 00:12:29,827
STRAIGHT.
384
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:32,833
AND YOU LEARN A LITTLE
385
00:12:32,833 --> 00:12:33,603
PERSPECTIVE, MIGHT BE NEXT TIME
386
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:34,430
YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND SHOVE AS
387
00:12:34,433 --> 00:12:36,233
CAMERA IN YOUR FACE, YOU DON'T
388
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:38,373
RAMBLE ON WITH HATE SPEECH
389
00:12:38,367 --> 00:12:39,067
INSTEAD, YOU WHIP OUT THOSE
390
00:12:39,067 --> 00:12:44,927
SWEET LITTLE THAT THATS.
391
00:12:44,933 --> 00:12:45,333
[LAUGHTER]
392
00:12:45,333 --> 00:12:50,733
>> WELL, LOOKKY HERE.
393
00:12:50,733 --> 00:12:54,573
SOME LIGHTBULB CHANGES.
394
00:12:54,567 --> 00:12:56,727
YOU ARE IN MY HOUSE, YOU GIANT
395
00:12:56,733 --> 00:12:57,703
PITCHES.
396
00:12:57,700 --> 00:12:59,100
YOU EVER HEAR OF THE ROCK?
397
00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:00,830
WELL, WELCOME TO THE PEBBLE.
398
00:13:00,833 --> 00:13:02,673
GUARDS, GET THESE FREAKS OUT OF
399
00:13:02,667 --> 00:13:04,267
MY FACE.
400
00:13:04,267 --> 00:13:07,067
>> NICE PROPORTIONS.
401
00:13:07,067 --> 00:13:08,867
>> THAT'S FORWARD AND CENTER,
402
00:13:08,867 --> 00:13:11,427
THE BIGGEST PITCHES IN THE
403
00:13:11,433 --> 00:13:11,773
WORLD.
404
00:13:11,767 --> 00:13:15,167
>> I'M SURPRISED AM IDA HASN'T
405
00:13:15,167 --> 00:13:15,867
FLOWN PLANES INTO THE TWO OF
406
00:13:15,867 --> 00:13:18,167
YOU.
407
00:13:18,167 --> 00:13:21,897
>> GOOD EVENING LADIES WELCOME
408
00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:23,370
TO SHORT SHANK.
409
00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:24,727
YOU WANT TO BE HERE, YOU HAVE TO
410
00:13:24,733 --> 00:13:26,373
KNOW THIS WHOLE THING IS
411
00:13:26,367 --> 00:13:27,127
CONTROLLED BY GANGS, YOU HAVE
412
00:13:27,133 --> 00:13:29,333
YOUR DWARFS, YOUR HOB BITS AND
413
00:13:29,333 --> 00:13:34,603
DON'T FORGET THE LOLLIPOP
414
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:34,930
GOALED.
415
00:13:34,933 --> 00:13:36,833
BUT THE ONES YOU REALLY HAVE TO
416
00:13:36,833 --> 00:13:40,073
WATCH OUT FOR ARE THE UMPA LUM
417
00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:41,127
PAS.
418
00:13:41,133 --> 00:13:43,873
BUT DON'T WORRY I HAVE AN ESCAPE
419
00:13:43,867 --> 00:13:44,167
PLAN.
420
00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:44,897
>> THAT HOLE IS WAY TOO SMALL.
421
00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:47,070
>> IT TOOK ME 40 YEARS TO GET IT
422
00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:47,927
THAT BIG.
423
00:13:47,933 --> 00:13:50,473
THEY GIVE US REALLY TINY SPOONS,
424
00:13:50,467 --> 00:13:51,827
WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE SCREWS.
425
00:13:51,833 --> 00:14:00,973
GOOD NIGHT.
426
00:14:00,967 --> 00:14:08,767
[LAUGHTER]
427
00:14:08,767 --> 00:14:11,527
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
428
00:14:11,533 --> 00:14:13,103
GET BACK ON THE BEAN STOCK WHERE
429
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:13,500
YOU BLOCK.
430
00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:14,430
>> IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HURT.
431
00:14:14,433 --> 00:14:17,073
>> THAT DOESN'T EVEN LEAVE A
432
00:14:17,067 --> 00:14:20,367
BRUISE, AND I BRUISE EASY.
433
00:14:20,367 --> 00:14:25,767
>> GIRL, YOU AREN'T GOING TO GET
434
00:14:25,767 --> 00:14:26,867
A WORK OUT WAYTHAT.
435
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:28,897
>> I KNOW, BUT IT IS SO LIGHT
436
00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:33,470
AND TINY.
437
00:14:33,467 --> 00:14:36,497
>> I GOT ZERO.
438
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:39,300
>> EEW, QUIT IT.
439
00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:40,330
OHNY GOSH, THAT IS SO CUTE.
440
00:14:40,333 --> 00:14:42,973
>> GOOD NEWS, LONG FINGERS, YOUR
441
00:14:42,967 --> 00:14:44,527
TIME HERE HAS COME TO AN END.
442
00:14:44,533 --> 00:14:45,103
>> GOOD.
443
00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:46,370
>> BECAUSE TOMORROW MORNING YOU
444
00:14:46,367 --> 00:14:48,267
ARE GOING TO BE WALKING THE
445
00:14:48,267 --> 00:14:49,227
GREEN 116TH OF A MILE.
446
00:14:49,233 --> 00:14:50,433
>> WHAT'S THAT?
447
00:14:50,433 --> 00:14:52,933
>> THAT'S OUR VERSION OF DEATH
448
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:55,833
ROW.
449
00:14:55,833 --> 00:14:57,673
>> HERE IS YOUR LAST MEAL,
450
00:14:57,667 --> 00:15:01,827
LADIES.
451
00:15:01,833 --> 00:15:03,133
PEP RONNY HOT POCKETS.
452
00:15:03,133 --> 00:15:11,203
>> WAIT, ISN'T THIS A TOTINOS
453
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:11,630
PIZZA ROLL.
454
00:15:11,633 --> 00:15:15,603
>> ALL PITCHES WALKING.
455
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:18,270
>> YOU MAJESTIC REDWOODS HAVE
456
00:15:18,267 --> 00:15:18,927
ANY LAST WORDS.
457
00:15:18,933 --> 00:15:20,833
>> I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO
458
00:15:20,833 --> 00:15:23,303
ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE OUT THERE.
459
00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:24,800
I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW OFFENSIVE
460
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:25,570
THE VIDEO WAS.
461
00:15:25,567 --> 00:15:26,597
>> YEAH.
462
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,070
I'M SORRY TOO.
463
00:15:28,067 --> 00:15:29,767
I JUST WISH I COULD LIFT ALL OF
464
00:15:29,767 --> 00:15:32,327
YOU UP AND GIVE YOU A BIC HUG.
465
00:15:32,333 --> 00:15:33,303
>> WELL, THAT JUST WARMS MY
466
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:34,700
HEART.
467
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:37,630
BUT NOW YOU ARE ABOUT TO
468
00:15:37,633 --> 00:15:39,673
EXPERIENCE THE MOST SEVERE L.P.
469
00:15:39,667 --> 00:15:40,897
PUNISHMENT THERE IS.
470
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:43,230
YOU ARE GETTING TOSSES.
471
00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:48,703
MAY GOD HAVE MERSION YOUR SOULS.
472
00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:50,500
HEAVE HO.
473
00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:52,430
[APPLAUSE]
474
00:15:52,433 --> 00:15:54,673
>> OH.
475
00:15:54,667 --> 00:15:57,367
YOU KNOW TIM CON WAY, IF YOU
476
00:15:57,367 --> 00:16:00,067
DON'T KNOW WHO DWARF IS JUST ASK
477
00:16:00,067 --> 00:16:02,727
YOUR GRANDFATHER TO FIRE UP THE
478
00:16:02,733 --> 00:16:03,103
VCR.
479
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:05,070
HERE IS TAKING OUT THE TRASH
480
00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:06,397
WITH CARROT TOP.
481
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,800
>> HEY, CARROT TOP I THOUGHT YOU
482
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,930
COULD BUILD A JOKE OUT OF MY
483
00:16:10,933 --> 00:16:11,303
GARBAGE.
484
00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:16,400
>> COME ON.
485
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:17,430
ACTUALLY -- I CAN PROBABLY USE
486
00:16:17,433 --> 00:16:19,903
THE HOCKEY STICK FOR SOMETHING.
487
00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:51,430
>> ALL RIGHT.
488
00:16:51,433 --> 00:16:52,173
[LAUGHTER]
489
00:16:52,167 --> 00:17:08,967
*[MUSIC]*
490
00:17:08,967 --> 00:17:10,967
>> HE IS LUCKY HE IS NOT A FOOT
491
00:17:10,967 --> 00:17:11,767
MAN.
492
00:17:11,767 --> 00:17:13,367
YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES TO
493
00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:16,127
GET THE BELT OFF A TREADMILL.
494
00:17:16,133 --> 00:17:18,373
YOU CONSTANTLY COMPLAIN.
495
00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:21,367
TAKE NOTE IF YOU MAKE ONE THAT
496
00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:22,797
DOESN'T SUCK I WILL PUT IT ON
497
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:23,370
FOR FREE.
498
00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:25,127
WHILE YOU ARE AT HOME WATCHING I
499
00:17:25,133 --> 00:17:27,633
GAVE EVERY LUCKY MEMBER OF MY
500
00:17:27,633 --> 00:17:29,633
AUDIENCE A SAMPLEBLE ONE.
501
00:17:29,633 --> 00:17:32,673
GO AHEAD, SMELL YOUR FINGERS.
502
00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:33,327
DELIGHTFUL, RIGHT?
503
00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:34,873
COME ON.
504
00:17:34,867 --> 00:17:36,497
YOU ARE NOT A TRUE CELEBRITY
505
00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:39,470
UNTIL YOU HAVE YOUR UNSAINT.
506
00:17:39,467 --> 00:17:42,227
ADAM LAVIGNE JUST CAME OUT WITH
507
00:17:42,233 --> 00:17:43,933
HIS MCGRAW HAS FOUR, AND I'M
508
00:17:43,933 --> 00:17:46,603
PRETTY SURE TWO OF THEM ARE
509
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:47,100
BARBECUE SONSES.
510
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,730
SO TURN ON YOUR SMELL VISION,
511
00:17:48,733 --> 00:17:50,373
BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO INTRODUCE
512
00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:51,897
THE WORLD TO MY SIGNATURE
513
00:17:51,900 --> 00:18:06,270
STABILITY.
514
00:18:06,267 --> 00:18:19,527
*[MUSIC]*
515
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:22,533
*[MUSIC]*
516
00:18:22,533 --> 00:18:41,833
[CRYING].
517
00:18:41,833 --> 00:18:43,833
>> RED TIDE, THE MOST WOMAN
518
00:18:43,833 --> 00:18:44,873
LICEANT.
519
00:18:44,867 --> 00:18:45,727
PERIODS.
520
00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:47,533
>> IF YOU WANT TO BARGAIN HEAD
521
00:18:47,533 --> 00:18:48,733
TO THE AIRPORT BOOK AN
522
00:18:48,733 --> 00:18:49,733
INTERNATIONAL FLIGHT AND BUY A
523
00:18:49,733 --> 00:18:52,103
COUPLE OF BOTTLES OF RED TIDE AT
524
00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:53,130
THE DUTY FREE SHOP.
525
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,333
AND WHILE YOU ARE THERE, TREAT
526
00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:57,703
YOURSELF TO ONE OF THOSE GIANT
527
00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:58,700
SIZE TOBLER ROAN BARS BECAUSE
528
00:18:58,700 --> 00:19:00,070
HEY, YOU DESERVE IT.
529
00:19:00,067 --> 00:19:02,527
NOW U IT IS TIME FOR THE HEART
530
00:19:02,533 --> 00:19:03,403
AND SOUL OF THIS SHOW.
531
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,330
HERE IS THIS WEEK'S WINNER.
532
00:19:05,333 --> 00:19:06,973
>> HEY, STEPHANIE, WHERE DOES
533
00:19:06,967 --> 00:19:08,067
YOUR WATER COME FROM.
534
00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:10,467
>> CRYSTAL GEYSERS OWN
535
00:19:10,467 --> 00:19:11,127
PROTECTIVE MOUNTAIN SPRING.
536
00:19:11,133 --> 00:19:12,573
>> WHERE DOES YOUR WATER COME
537
00:19:12,567 --> 00:19:12,867
FROM?
538
00:19:12,867 --> 00:19:13,927
>> THE TAP.
539
00:19:13,933 --> 00:19:14,333
>> GROSS.
540
00:19:14,333 --> 00:19:16,933
>> TAP WATER.
541
00:19:16,933 --> 00:19:19,503
DISGUSTING PIECE OF [BLEEP].
542
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:24,270
>> I'M SURE THEY WEREN'T THAT
543
00:19:24,267 --> 00:19:26,467
GOOD OF FRIENDS TO BEGIN WITH,
544
00:19:26,467 --> 00:19:27,397
THEY NEVER ARE.
545
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:28,900
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF
546
00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:39,070
THE A LIST.
547
00:19:39,067 --> 00:19:41,467
WELCOME BACK, I'M HERE, I'M IN
548
00:19:41,467 --> 00:19:43,067
CASHMERE, GET USED TO IT.
549
00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:45,667
NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW I SHAKE MY
550
00:19:45,667 --> 00:19:46,927
LITTLE TUSH ON THE CAT WALK WITH
551
00:19:46,933 --> 00:19:48,403
THIS LADY.
552
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:51,730
*[MUSIC]*
553
00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:53,333
>> SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.
554
00:19:53,333 --> 00:19:56,103
CHECK IT OUT.
555
00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:56,500
[LAUGHTER]
556
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:59,630
>> WALK MUCH?
557
00:19:59,633 --> 00:20:01,733
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, KEEP UP
558
00:20:01,733 --> 00:20:04,203
WITH OUR BLOG, AND IF YOU AREN'T
559
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,730
DOING ANYTHING THIS SUMMER, COME
560
00:20:05,733 --> 00:20:08,773
SEE ME DO STAND UP ON THE JUNE
561
00:20:08,767 --> 00:20:10,397
GLOOM TOUR, WITH SPECIAL GUEST
562
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,470
JARROD CARMICHAEL.
563
00:20:12,467 --> 00:20:14,927
THAT'S NOT JARROD.
564
00:20:14,933 --> 00:20:16,603
THAT FEEDS OFF THE SOULS OF
565
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:17,230
CHILDREN.
566
00:20:17,233 --> 00:20:19,273
I LEARNED ABOUT IT BY SKYPEING
567
00:20:19,267 --> 00:20:20,497
WITH A PROFESSOR, THIS ISN'T
568
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:22,870
EVEN FUNNY, YOU SHOULD -- HE IS
569
00:20:22,867 --> 00:20:27,197
HERE.
570
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,100
BEFORE WE GET OUT OF HERE I WANT
571
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:33,700
TO THANK MY FRIEND CARROT TOP TO
572
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:36,400
TAG ALONG AND SEE HOW AWFUL IT
573
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,270
IS TO BE A COMEDY ICON BECAUSE
574
00:20:38,267 --> 00:20:41,897
OF ALL YOU ANNOYING FRIENDS.
575
00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:44,500
NEED PROOF, PURPOSING GAS WITH
576
00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:45,900
CARROT TOP.
577
00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:47,070
HEY, CARROT TOP, THANK YOU FOR
578
00:20:47,067 --> 00:20:53,867
INVESTING FROSTIES.
579
00:20:53,867 --> 00:20:56,727
LET IT GO, LET IT GO.
580
00:20:56,733 --> 00:20:57,333
>> LET IT GO.
581
00:20:57,333 --> 00:20:59,273
>> I CAN'T DO IT ANY MORE.
582
00:20:59,267 --> 00:21:01,227
>> THAT IS A VERY SILLY LIGHTER.
583
00:21:01,233 --> 00:21:03,233
ALL RIGHT, I HOPE YOU ARE TAKING
584
00:21:03,233 --> 00:21:04,573
NOTES BECAUSE THIS IS ALL GOING
585
00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:06,097
TO BE ON NEXT WEEK'S TEST.
586
00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:06,700
>> OH.
587
00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:08,900
>> GOOD NIGHT.
588
00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:10,330
[APPLAUSE]
589
00:21:10,333 --> 00:21:17,133
*[MUSIC]*
590
00:21:17,133 --> 00:21:18,373
>> DO YOU THINK SAYING THE M
591
00:21:18,367 --> 00:21:19,897
WORD IS JUST AS BAD AS SAYING
592
00:21:19,900 --> 00:21:20,530
THE N WORD.
593
00:21:20,533 --> 00:21:22,233
>> I DON'T THINK IT IS AS BAD.
594
00:21:22,233 --> 00:21:23,973
>> IT CAN'T BE EQUAL.
595
00:21:23,967 --> 00:21:25,267
>> IT IS STILL OFFENSIVE.
596
00:21:25,267 --> 00:21:27,667
>> I MAY I GUESS YOU CAN
37154
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