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Announcer: TOSH.O FEATURES
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VIDEOS FROM THE INTERNET AND IS
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FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE.
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ENJOY.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> OKAY.
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>> MMMMM.
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[LAUGHING]
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*
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>> MMM. PUT A LITTLE MORE
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MUSTARD ON THAT SLAP YOU CAN'T
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BE TRIED AS AN ADULT.
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THIS WEEK'S COLLEGIATE APPAREL
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IS FROM BREVARD COMMUNITY
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COLLEGE WHERE I SPENT ONE
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SEMESTER.
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IT WAS JUST LIKE THE SHOW
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COMMUNITY NOT FUNNY AT ALL.
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TONIGHT'S PROGRAM THIS HILLBILLY
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GETS A WEB REDEMPTION, I
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INTRODUCE TO YOU MY FAVORITE
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COACH AND WE MAKE SOME INSANE
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PROCLAMATIONS.
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NOW LET'S SEE HOW COLD AND FLU
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SEASON STARTED THIS YEAR.
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THERE ARE A LOT WORST HOLES THAT
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FINGER COULD OF BEEN IN.
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THE 2 AND THE 5 HOLE TO BE
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SPECIFIC.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> SAMMIE AND RONNIE HAVE BEEN
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GOING AT IT SINCE THEY WERE
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KIDS.
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SHOULD OF SLAPPED HIS PARENTS
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FOR GIVING HIM THOSE EARS.
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NEVER MIND GO BACK TO PUTTING
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SUNGLASSES ON THE 2-LITER,
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WEIRDO.
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LET'S HEAD DOWN TO MY FAVORITE
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FISHING HOLE.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> THE CATCH OF THE DAY IS THIS
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CHICK'S SLOPPY FLOUNDER.
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QUIT MOANING YOU WILL SCARE THE
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FISH AWAY.
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I'M FINE WITH EVERYTHING HERE
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BUT HER CREEPY FATHER WATCHING.
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NEW YORK CITY IS FULL OF DIRTY
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COPS.
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*
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*
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[LAUGHING]
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>> THE DA IS GOING TO HAVE A
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FIELD DAY WITH THIS ONE.
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AH, YA, HE'S HERE TO PROTECT AND
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SERVE THAT ASS.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> THAT'S HOW YOU GET NYPD BLUE
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BALLS.
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WASN'T AS SEXY WHEN THEY DANCED
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WITH RODNEY KING.
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[LAUGHING]
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[LAUGHING]
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>> AS MOST OF YOU KNOW I'M A
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VOLUNTEER COP.
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WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT I GOT STUCK
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WORKING THE WHITE PARADE THIS
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YEAR.
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[LAUGHING]
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*
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[LAUGHING]
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>> I'M GET TOO LONG OLD FOR THIS
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[BEEP].
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SOMETHING TELLS ME THIS NEXT
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GIRL ISN'T CLARITIN CLEAR.
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>> GOD BLESS YOU, GESUNDHEIT,
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EXCUSE YOU, PARDON ME, PEACE BE
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WITH YOU, AND ALSO WITH YOU,
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AMEN, WHOOP THERE IT IS, JUST DO
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IT, WAR EAGLE, OKAY THEN, PLEASE
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STOP NOW, SHAZAM, IS THAT POW,
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SALUD, YOU'RE SO GOOD LOOKING,
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LIVE STRONG, HEY OH, I HATE YOU.
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>> I THINK HER SWEATSHIRT IS
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MADE OF CAT HAIR.
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[LAUGHING]
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MAYBE SHE HAS A HEAVY METAL SONG
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STUCK IN HER HEAD
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*
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I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS TO THAT
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SONG.
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I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THIS WOMEN
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I KNOW I HATE HER.
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>> OKAY OKAY.
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OH MY GOSH,
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OH MY GOSH,
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OH MY GOSH,
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OH MY GOSH,.
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>> WHAT COULB BE SPOOKING THAT
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HORSE?
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>> OKAY OKAY.
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OH MY GOSH,
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RUN, EDDIE RUN!
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RUN, RUN!
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>> RUN?
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DOES SHE THINK HORSES EXPLODE
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WHEN THEY FALL OVER?
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OH.
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>> AHH!
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[LAUGHING]
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>> WAIT UNTIL SHE SEES A BLACK
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PERSON IN CENTRAL PARK.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> SHE REACTS THE SAME WAY WHEN
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THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY IS
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CLOSED.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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[LAUGHING]
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>> POOR KID HE MISSED THE TRAIN
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TO HOGWARTS.
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>> WHOSE NEXT?
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OH, ALRIGHT.
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LET'S SEE IF HIS BIG FAT BROTHER
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CAN DO ANY BETTER IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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[ APPLAUSE ]
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>> OKAY IF YOUR NICKNAME IS
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CHUBS MAYBE JUMPING A RAMP
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SHOULDN'T BE YOUR RECESS
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ACTIVITY.
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THAT'S WHY GOD INVENTED
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COMPUTERS AND TRUMPETS.
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[ APPLAUSE ]
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>> HE HAS BEEN CARBO LOADING HIS
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WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS MOMENT.
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PRETTY GOOD HEAD OF STEAM.
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FAT PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS ABOUT TO
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DIE.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> OH ...
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ET COULDN'T OF HELPED THAT BIG
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BONE BOY GET BIG AIR ON A BMX
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BIKE.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> CHILDHOOD OBESITY CLAIMS IT'S
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LATEST VICTIM.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> SOMETHING TELLS ME TODAY IS
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NOT THE DAY HE STOPS GETTING
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TEASED AND WINS THE RESPECT OF
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HIS PEERS.
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HAVE FUN EATING ENORMOUS
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PORTIONS OF LUNCH BY YOURSELF.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> OH, I HOPE IT'S NOT HIS ICE
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CREAM SUNDAE EATING ARM.
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ON THE BRIGHT SIDE HE CAN REACH
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INTO THE TRAP DOOR OF SNACK
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MACHINE IN THE CONTINENTAL US.
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GET A BLACK CAST SO IT WON'T BE
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OBVIOUS WHEN SOMEONE SIGNS IT.
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>> MY ARM!
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>> WE'RE GLAD HE'S DRINKING
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CHOCOLATE MILK SO HIS BONES ARE
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AS BRITTLE AS THE ABILITY TO
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RESIST CAKE.
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FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.
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WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
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HILLY BILLY STUNTMAN BUT FIRST
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HERE IS HOW YOU SAVE A ROW OF
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SEATS ON A SUBWAY.
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[LAUGHING]
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[LAUGHING]
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[ APPLAUSE ]
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>> I GOT AN ANTIDEPRESSANT
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BOTTLE FULL OF THUMBTACKS.
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(OH! )
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>> YOU CAUGHT THIS ONE ON
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YOUTUBE AND POSSIBLY MYSPACE.
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[BEEP]
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>> PUT THE WOOD OUT.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> THE GOOD THING ABOUT BEING
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POOR IS IT'S HARD TO KILL
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YOURSELF FROM A ONE-STORY
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TRAILER.
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THAT'S WILD CHILD BENNY SMALLS.
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AN AMATEUR STUNTMAN FROM
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KENTUCKY.
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AN EYE DEAL JOB FOR A HILLBILLY.
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IT'S THE ONLY CAREER IN THE
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WORLD WHERE THE LESS EDUCATION
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YOU HAVE THE MORE QUALIFIED YOU
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ARE.
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STUNT PEOPLE AREN'T GOOD LOCKING
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ENOUGH TO BE IN FRONT OF THE
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CAMERA YOU THINK JOHNNY DEPP IS
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DOING HIS OWN STUNTS.
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IF YOU'RE A STUNTMAN BE AWARE
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PRODUCTION WOULDN'T SKIP A BEAT
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IF YOU WERE BURNED ALIVE.
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TOM CRUISE IS KNOWN FOR DOING
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HIS OWN STUNTS.
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WAY TO GO HE WORE GREENSPAN DEX
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AND FELL THREE FEET ON A GREEN
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PAD.
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I GUESS HANGING WITH BUFF DUDES
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IS BETTER THAN HANGING WITH YOUR
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HETEROSEXUAL WIFE IN THE
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TRAILER.
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WE CAN MAKE RYAN REYNOLDS ABLE
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H. FLY BUT CAN'T MAKE A MOVIE
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HE'S IN WATCHABLE.
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EVE HE WILL KENWATCHABLE.
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EVEL KNIEVEL --
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IF HE WANTS TO BRAKE EVERY BONE
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IN HIS BODY WHO AM I TO STOP
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HIM.
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THAT'S WHY I TOOK OUT A
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INSURANCE POLICY IN HIS NAME AND
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INVITED HIM TO THE TRAILER FOR
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THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
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>> SHUT THE [BEEP] UP, MOM.
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>> WELCOME TO LOT G AND A HALF.
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>> THANK YOU, DOING A LITTLE
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COOKING.
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>> METH IS DONE.
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I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR METH UNDER
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BAKED.
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>> WHERE YOU FROM?
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>> KENTUCKY.
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>> WHERE IN KEN DEN?
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>> HORSE BRANCH.
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>> BIG LIBERAL CITY.
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>> FULL OF HIPPIES.
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>> ARE A STUNTMAN?
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>> NO, I DON'T THINK . SO.
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>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DOING
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THIS.
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>> ABOUT 13, 14.
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>> HOW OLD ARE YOU NOW?
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>> 27.
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>> YOU HAVE OVER TEN YEARS IN
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THE GAME.
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>> 13.
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>> HOLY COULD YOU.
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TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING THAT
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DAY.
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>> THAT STUNT WAS TWO CONCRETE
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BLOCKS AND MORE WITH THUMBTACKS.
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HOPPED OFF MY PARENTS HOUSE.
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>> THE CYNDER BLOCKS WENT UP IN
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THE AIR CARTOON STYLE ON YOUR
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HEAD.
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>> THE FIRST BOARD BROKE, IT WAS
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A CATAPULT EFFECT.
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I HAD 15 STAPLES HERE.
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>> DO YOU HAVE MEDICAL
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INSURANCE?
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>> NO.
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>> YOU GO OUT OF POCKET?
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>> GO OUT OF POCKET OR TOSS THE
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BILLS IN THE TRASH, WHATEVER.
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>> DO YOU HAVE A DAY JOB.
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>> I GOT KICKED OUT OF THE
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MILITARY.
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>> WHAT FOR.
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>> SMOKING THE GANGE.
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>> DO YOUR PARENTS MIND YOU
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JUMPING OFF THE ROOF.
271
00:10:15,067 --> 00:10:17,627
>> NOT IF IT MAKES A LEAK.
272
00:10:17,633 --> 00:10:19,703
BEYOND THAT THEY DON'T MIND.
273
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:22,900
SINCE I WAS 13, 14 THEY
274
00:10:22,900 --> 00:10:23,730
ENCOURAGE IT DID.
275
00:10:23,733 --> 00:10:25,533
>> MORE ENJOYABLE THAN WATCHING
276
00:10:25,533 --> 00:10:27,533
YOUR KIDS PLAY A BASEBALL GAME.
277
00:10:27,533 --> 00:10:28,133
>> OF COURSE.
278
00:10:28,133 --> 00:10:30,873
>> MY KID IS JUMPING OFF THE
279
00:10:30,867 --> 00:10:34,297
ROOF INTO A FLAMING PILE OF
280
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:34,630
BOARDS.
281
00:10:34,633 --> 00:10:39,573
>> A FRIEND SAYS TIME HIT A
282
00:10:39,567 --> 00:10:39,897
HOMERUN.
283
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:42,030
BEN SET HIMSELF ON FIRE WHO IS
284
00:10:42,033 --> 00:10:42,403
COOLER.
285
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,130
>> TIME IS 6.
286
00:10:45,133 --> 00:10:46,333
BEN IS 27.
287
00:10:46,333 --> 00:10:47,903
I GET WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
288
00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:52,570
>> HOW MANY FLARES COULD YOU
289
00:10:52,567 --> 00:10:55,427
TAKE TO THE CHEST?
290
00:10:55,433 --> 00:10:56,203
>> BACK TO BACK.
291
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,830
>> HALF A DOZEN.
292
00:10:58,833 --> 00:10:59,603
>> TWENTY.
293
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:00,530
>> TWENTY?
294
00:11:00,533 --> 00:11:02,103
>> TWENTY I CAN TAKE.
295
00:11:02,100 --> 00:11:03,630
>> WHAT IS THE MOST SERIOUS
296
00:11:03,633 --> 00:11:05,773
INJURY YOU HAD.
297
00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:06,867
>> STITCHES HERE.
298
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,067
>> DOES THAT GIVE YOU ACCESS TO
299
00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:09,797
BETTER PARKING?
300
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,870
>> TUZ DIDN'T CAN'T LEAVE IT IN
301
00:11:11,867 --> 00:11:13,667
HE CAR.T
302
00:11:13,667 --> 00:11:17,467
>> WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE STUNT
303
00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:18,627
IN A MOVIE.
304
00:11:18,633 --> 00:11:21,403
>> FULL BODY BURN IN JASON.
305
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,330
ANYONE FALLING THROUGH A GREEN
306
00:11:23,333 --> 00:11:23,633
HOUSE.
307
00:11:23,633 --> 00:11:30,133
>> MY FAVORITE IS ANY MOVIE THAT
308
00:11:30,133 --> 00:11:32,233
CAMERON DIAZ IS IN AND THEY MAKE
309
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:33,333
HER LOOK ATTRACTIVE.
310
00:11:33,333 --> 00:11:36,373
WHAT ARE YOUR STUNT ADVICE?
311
00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:38,697
>> YOU GO BIG AND SCREW UP AND
312
00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:39,800
NEVER TRY IT AGAIN.
313
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,400
>> WHAT IS TOO YOUNG TO JUMP
314
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:43,370
INTO FIRE.
315
00:11:43,367 --> 00:11:44,897
>> 7 AND UNDER.
316
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:46,930
>> 8 YEAR OLDS SEND YOUR VIDEO.
317
00:11:46,933 --> 00:11:47,373
IN.
318
00:11:47,367 --> 00:11:49,667
>> YOU WANT TO BE A STUNTMAN.
319
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:51,397
I NEED A STUNT DOUBLE.
320
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,370
I'M TOO FAMOUS TO TAKE THESE
321
00:11:53,367 --> 00:11:54,967
RISKS EVERY DAY.
322
00:11:54,967 --> 00:11:55,567
YOU INTERESTED.
323
00:11:55,567 --> 00:11:56,497
>> I'M INTERESTED.
324
00:11:56,500 --> 00:11:57,100
LET'S DO IT.
325
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:59,230
>> YOU LOOK HANDSOME.
326
00:11:59,233 --> 00:12:01,133
NOBODY WILL TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
327
00:12:01,133 --> 00:12:04,773
THE FIRST IS DANGEROUS.
328
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:06,367
DODGING AIDS.
329
00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:09,327
SOME OF THEM ARE VERY DIRTY AND
330
00:12:09,333 --> 00:12:10,903
I'M NOT GOING TO RISK IT.
331
00:12:10,900 --> 00:12:14,870
>> YOU TAKE IT EASY ON MY STUNT
332
00:12:14,867 --> 00:12:15,197
DOUBLE.
333
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:19,330
LET ME KNOW WHEN IT'S HIS TURN.
334
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:21,403
>> YOUR NEXT STUNT IS TO TALK TO
335
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:22,070
MY MOTHER.
336
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:23,567
>> HEY, MOM.
337
00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:25,167
I DON'T THINK IT'S WEIRD THAT A
338
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:27,097
MAN IN HIS 30S ISN'T MARRIED
339
00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:27,370
YET.
340
00:12:27,367 --> 00:12:28,067
>> IT'S NOT.
341
00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:31,067
>> HEY, TELL HER I FOUND A GOOD
342
00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:31,527
CHURCH.
343
00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:32,803
>> SHE HUNG UP.
344
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:33,100
[BEEP]
345
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,830
>> THAT'S WHY SHE'S [BEEP]
346
00:12:35,833 --> 00:12:41,533
>> PERFECT PUSH UPS 98, 99, 100.
347
00:12:41,533 --> 00:12:43,933
THESE WORKOUTS ARE GUILTYING
348
00:12:43,933 --> 00:12:44,333
EXHAUSTING.
349
00:12:44,333 --> 00:12:46,903
>> ONE MORE THING I NEED YOU TO
350
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:47,230
DO.
351
00:12:47,233 --> 00:12:51,433
TO KEEP ME ON MY TOWED I LIKE TO
352
00:12:51,433 --> 00:12:53,973
JUMP TO A BURNING BOARD COVERED
353
00:12:53,967 --> 00:12:54,827
IN TACKS.
354
00:12:54,833 --> 00:12:55,473
>> OKAY.
355
00:12:55,467 --> 00:12:57,067
>> I'M NOT FINISHED.
356
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:59,827
I LIKE TO DO IT COVERED WITH
357
00:12:59,833 --> 00:13:04,703
HONEY AFTER SHOTGUNNING A CAN OF
358
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:07,230
JEREMIAH WEED AND MY COMEDY OF
359
00:13:07,233 --> 00:13:09,703
THE YEAR AWARD SHOVED UP MY ASS
360
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:12,070
WHILE HOLDING A CHINESE BABY.
361
00:13:12,067 --> 00:13:14,197
>> THAT SOUNDS REASONABLE BUT
362
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,070
WHY ARE WHICH NAKED?
363
00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:17,727
>> THAT'S KIND OF MY THING.
364
00:13:17,733 --> 00:13:19,603
THAT IS A LONG NIPPLE HAIR.
365
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,600
IS THE COMEDY AWARD UP YOUR ASS?
366
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:22,400
>> YES.
367
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,630
>> ANOTHER SHOT?
368
00:13:23,633 --> 00:13:32,103
>> LET'S DO IT.
369
00:13:33,633 --> 00:13:37,103
*
370
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:44,270
(LOTS OF NOISE)
371
00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:49,767
* (CELESTIAL MUSIC).
372
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:51,467
>> DON'T PANIC.
373
00:13:51,467 --> 00:13:52,227
KEEP BURNING.
374
00:13:52,233 --> 00:13:53,573
I WILL BE RIGHT DOWN.
375
00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:54,967
GOOD JOB, GOOD JOB.
376
00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:56,897
>> IS THE BABY OKAY?
377
00:13:56,900 --> 00:13:57,670
>> WHO CARES.
378
00:13:57,667 --> 00:14:00,067
HOW IS MY COMEDY AWARD.
379
00:14:00,067 --> 00:14:00,797
[ APPLAUSE ]
380
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,200
>> THAT MOIETY BE THE PUREST
381
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,470
REMEMBER REDEMPTION I HAVE EVER
382
00:14:05,467 --> 00:14:05,827
DONE.
383
00:14:05,833 --> 00:14:07,673
THAT CRAZY ACTUALLY JUMPED OFF
384
00:14:07,667 --> 00:14:09,097
THE TRAILER.
385
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:16,570
IF BENNY TAUGHT ME ANYTHING A
386
00:14:16,567 --> 00:14:18,727
BODY DOUBLE PAILS TO THE REAL
387
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:19,573
THING.
388
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:20,067
RIGHT?
389
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:21,767
DROP THE ROBE.
390
00:14:21,767 --> 00:14:23,897
OH, WE ALMOST MADE IT SORRY WE
391
00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:25,630
HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE TRAIN TO
392
00:14:25,633 --> 00:14:27,233
CROSS BEFORE WE CAN GO TO
393
00:14:27,233 --> 00:14:32,233
COMMERCIAL.
394
00:14:32,233 --> 00:14:32,773
(TRAIN)
395
00:14:32,767 --> 00:14:37,867
[LAUGHING]
396
00:14:37,867 --> 00:14:45,367
>> TRYING TO GET OUR BOYS READY.
397
00:14:45,367 --> 00:14:47,167
DOOR IS OPEN, SCREEN IS BROKE.
398
00:14:47,167 --> 00:14:48,967
WE NEED A NEW SCREEN DOOR.
399
00:14:48,967 --> 00:14:50,397
SCREEN IS BROKE.
400
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,070
YOU CAN COME IN BUT YOU CAN'T
401
00:14:52,067 --> 00:14:52,667
GUILTY OUT.
402
00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:54,527
I TURN AND LOOK A KITTY CAT IS
403
00:14:54,533 --> 00:14:55,733
IN THE KITCHEN.
404
00:14:55,733 --> 00:14:57,373
I SAY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN
405
00:14:57,367 --> 00:14:58,367
HERE KITTY CAT.
406
00:14:58,367 --> 00:15:00,397
BY THAT TIME THE CAT TURNS AND
407
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,930
TRIES TO GET OUT.
408
00:15:01,933 --> 00:15:03,803
THE SCREEN WON'T GO THAT WAY.
409
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:05,530
THE CAT GOES ALL CRAZY.
410
00:15:05,533 --> 00:15:07,803
I TOLD OUR PLAYERS WE NEED MORE
411
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:08,230
DOGS.
412
00:15:08,233 --> 00:15:10,903
BO IS BARKING IN THE BACK.
413
00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:12,170
MEL SAYS WHAT IS GOING ON.
414
00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:14,467
I SAY A CAT IS IN THE HOUSE.
415
00:15:14,467 --> 00:15:16,567
A CAT IN THE HOUSE?
416
00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:18,427
YES, A CAT IS IN THE HOUSE.
417
00:15:18,433 --> 00:15:20,203
THE CAT WAS STILL GOING CRAZY
418
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:20,570
IN.
419
00:15:20,567 --> 00:15:22,497
THERE I TOLD THE PLAYERS WE NEED
420
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:23,230
MORE DOGS.
421
00:15:23,233 --> 00:15:24,973
WHICH DON'T NEED A BUNCH OF CATS
422
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,467
IN HERE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR.
423
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:27,227
I LOOK GOOD.
424
00:15:27,233 --> 00:15:29,133
I HAVE MY EXTRA BANDS ON.
425
00:15:29,133 --> 00:15:30,633
MY OTHER SHOES ON.
426
00:15:30,633 --> 00:15:31,873
BE A DOG.
427
00:15:31,867 --> 00:15:38,897
WE DON'T NEED KNOW MEOWS, WE
428
00:15:38,900 --> 00:15:40,870
DON'T NEED CATS WE NEED DOGS.
429
00:15:40,867 --> 00:15:46,897
>> THAT'S COACH DAVID BEN.
430
00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:48,730
YOU KNOW WHERE THIS WILL END UP.
431
00:15:48,733 --> 00:15:50,733
>> I TOLD THE PLAYERS YOU NEED
432
00:15:50,733 --> 00:15:52,633
TO BE MORE LIKE A DOG.
433
00:15:52,633 --> 00:15:54,873
>> COACH YOU NEED TO BE MORE
434
00:15:54,867 --> 00:15:55,267
AGGRESSIVE.
435
00:15:55,267 --> 00:15:57,227
>> BE A DOG.
436
00:15:57,233 --> 00:15:58,773
>> PIT BULLS ARE GOOD.
437
00:15:58,767 --> 00:16:04,127
PIT BULLS ARE FIERCE BUT THEY'RE
438
00:16:04,133 --> 00:16:04,473
INBRED.
439
00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:06,467
SHOULD HAVE SAID BE LIKE A
440
00:16:06,467 --> 00:16:06,797
MONKEY.
441
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,670
MONKEYS ARE STRONGER THAN HUMANS
442
00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:09,397
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
443
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,730
>> NOT A GOOD IDEA TO CALL
444
00:16:11,733 --> 00:16:12,603
ATHLETES MONK HE'S.
445
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,730
>> WHY DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY THE
446
00:16:14,733 --> 00:16:15,333
RACE CARD.
447
00:16:15,333 --> 00:16:17,703
>> CAT IN THE HOUSE, CAT IN THE
448
00:16:17,700 --> 00:16:18,070
HOUSE.
449
00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:19,567
I SAID THERE IS A CAT IN THE
450
00:16:19,567 --> 00:16:19,927
HOUSE.
451
00:16:19,933 --> 00:16:21,773
>> WHAT IS WRONG WITH BEING A
452
00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:22,067
CAT.
453
00:16:22,067 --> 00:16:25,497
WHAT IF IT'S A CHEETAH OR LION.
454
00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:27,430
>> SMALLER CATS THAT DO THE
455
00:16:27,433 --> 00:16:28,833
KILLING LIKE A CHEETAH.
456
00:16:28,833 --> 00:16:31,473
THEN THE LIONS COME IN AND SCARE
457
00:16:31,467 --> 00:16:33,897
THE CHEETAH AWAY AND EAT.
458
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:38,500
>> THE POINT IS COACH, ANY OF
459
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:40,070
THESE WOULD SLAUGHTER A DOG.
460
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:43,327
>> A [BEEP] LUNATIC.
461
00:16:43,333 --> 00:16:45,333
LET'S END THIS COMMERCIAL.
462
00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:45,903
AWFUL [BEEP].
463
00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:48,570
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING LITTLE
464
00:16:48,567 --> 00:16:49,297
KITTY CAT.
465
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:53,300
>> TRY TO MAKE IT TASTELESS LIKE
466
00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:53,770
[BEEP]
467
00:16:53,767 --> 00:16:59,227
INSTEAD OF A VORTEX VENT TO POUR
468
00:16:59,233 --> 00:17:01,133
IT DOWN FASTER.
469
00:17:01,133 --> 00:17:03,403
>> DIDN'T HEAR THE SILVER BULLET
470
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:03,900
TRAIN COMING.
471
00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:05,130
YOU HAVE TO BE A DOG.
472
00:17:05,133 --> 00:17:06,703
>> THAT'S THE THIRD TRAIN IN
473
00:17:06,700 --> 00:17:08,570
THIS EPISODE.
474
00:17:08,567 --> 00:17:10,397
CHOO CHOO LOCOMOTIVE FANS.
475
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:11,500
CHOO CHOO FOR YOU.
476
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:14,530
DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG
477
00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:16,133
AND UP LOAD A CLIP.
478
00:17:16,133 --> 00:17:17,733
THIS COMES FROM THE MIDNIGHT
479
00:17:17,733 --> 00:17:20,103
SHOW.
480
00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:20,870
>> ALEX.
481
00:17:20,867 --> 00:17:22,427
>> DON'T TALK TO ME WHILE YOU'RE
482
00:17:22,433 --> 00:17:24,073
DOING THAT.
483
00:17:24,067 --> 00:17:27,227
>> I WANT TO TRY SOMETHING.
484
00:17:27,233 --> 00:17:29,103
>> I WANT TO USE MY OTHER HAND.
485
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:31,530
>> YOU MEAN MY ONE HAND.
486
00:17:31,533 --> 00:17:32,473
>> MY OTHER HAND.
487
00:17:32,467 --> 00:17:34,627
>> YOU DON'T HAVE ANOTHER HAND.
488
00:17:34,633 --> 00:17:35,973
WE EACH GET ONE.
489
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:38,097
>> COME ON MAN, I HEAR IT FEELS
490
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:39,200
LIKE SOMEONE ELSE IS DOING IT
491
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,130
WHEN YOU USE YOUR OTHER HAND.
492
00:17:41,133 --> 00:17:43,233
>> SOMEONE ELSE WOULD BE DOING
493
00:17:43,233 --> 00:17:44,233
IT ME.
494
00:17:44,233 --> 00:17:44,603
NO.
495
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:45,070
>> PLEASE.
496
00:17:45,067 --> 00:17:45,467
>> NO.
497
00:17:45,467 --> 00:17:47,327
>> I WILL MAKE YOU DO IT MYSELF.
498
00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:49,273
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
499
00:17:49,267 --> 00:17:51,867
>> MIKE, STOP IT!
500
00:17:51,867 --> 00:17:53,327
>> MIKE, GROSS.
501
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:55,803
>> TWO CAN PLAY THAT CAN GAME
502
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:56,130
BUDDY.
503
00:17:56,133 --> 00:17:57,233
>> YA.
504
00:17:57,233 --> 00:17:58,973
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
505
00:17:58,967 --> 00:18:00,867
>> TEACHING YOU A LESSON.
506
00:18:00,867 --> 00:18:02,697
>> I'LL TEACH YOU A LESSON.
507
00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:05,200
>> I'M TEACH YOU A LESSON.
508
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,630
>> I'LL TEACH YOU A LESSON.
509
00:18:07,633 --> 00:18:08,933
>> DAD!
510
00:18:08,933 --> 00:18:11,133
>> GOD DAMN AT THIS TOLD YOU NO
511
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:13,133
MORE PLAYING SIAMESE TWINS.
512
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:13,773
>> SORRY.
513
00:18:13,767 --> 00:18:14,427
>> SORRY.
514
00:18:14,433 --> 00:18:16,703
>> THE FIRST PERSON I EVER
515
00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:19,070
FRENCH KISSED WAS MY BROTHER.
516
00:18:19,067 --> 00:18:21,397
TRUE STORY MY SISTER MADE US DO
517
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,270
IT IN THE BACK OF THE CAR.
518
00:18:23,267 --> 00:18:24,267
WHICH WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
519
00:18:24,267 --> 00:18:29,967
MORE OF THE GONG SHOW WITH DAVID
520
00:18:29,967 --> 00:18:30,697
[ APPLAUSE ]
521
00:18:30,700 --> 00:18:34,600
*
522
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,670
>> WELCOME BACK.
523
00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:38,367
TO TERA NOVA.
524
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,467
NEXT WEEK BRAD THE ACTOR GETS A
525
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:41,227
WEB REDEMPTION SOMEWHERE.
526
00:18:41,233 --> 00:18:42,833
>> I KEEP WAKING UP IN THE
527
00:18:42,833 --> 00:18:44,903
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ALL DRENCHED
528
00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:46,370
IN SWEAT.
529
00:18:46,367 --> 00:18:48,097
YESTERDAY I PUT MY FIST THROUGH
530
00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:50,400
THE WINDOW AND SHATTERED IT INTO
531
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:51,500
PIECES.
532
00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:53,200
MY MOM IS DEAD.
533
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:57,870
>> WHAT THE [BEEP] IS SWAT.
534
00:18:57,867 --> 00:19:00,127
>> TWITTER SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT
535
00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:01,203
DURING THE SHOWS.
536
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,100
KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG.
537
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:07,500
BEFORE WE GO INSANE
538
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:07,930
PROCLAMATIONS.
539
00:19:07,933 --> 00:19:09,873
THE MOST IMPORTANT FOOD OF ANY
540
00:19:09,867 --> 00:19:11,567
THANKSGIVING DINNER IS GRAVY.
541
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:11,867
THERE.
542
00:19:11,867 --> 00:19:13,627
I SAID IT
543
00:19:13,633 --> 00:19:15,833
IF I TRIED REALLY HARD AND
544
00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:18,073
FOCUSED I COULD BE A ROLL PLAYER
545
00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:19,567
ON ANY NBA TEAM.
546
00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:20,497
END OF DISCUSSION.
547
00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:24,370
I WANT YOU KNOW MY DOG'S LIVES
548
00:19:24,367 --> 00:19:27,067
ARE WORTH MORE THAN ANY NON
549
00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:28,097
AMERICAN BORN CHILD.
550
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,200
THIS MAY SEEM CRAZY BUT THIS IS
551
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:31,130
HOW I FEEL.
552
00:19:31,133 --> 00:19:33,073
I ASKED TWITTER FOLLOWERS TO
553
00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:36,327
SEND ME THEIR OWN INSANE
554
00:19:36,333 --> 00:19:36,773
PROCLAMATIONS.
555
00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:38,197
HERE IS WHAT YOU THINK.
556
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,230
IF SHE'S HOT YOU DON'T NEED A
557
00:19:41,233 --> 00:19:41,573
RUBBER.
558
00:19:41,567 --> 00:19:44,697
CORN FLAKES ARE BETTER THAN
559
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:46,530
FROSTED FLAKES.
560
00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:46,973
BLASPHEMY.
561
00:19:46,967 --> 00:19:48,567
BATH AND BODY WORKS IS THE BEST
562
00:19:48,567 --> 00:19:50,697
STORE FOR CANDLES.
563
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:54,330
GARY COALMAN ALWAYS KNEW WHAT
564
00:19:54,333 --> 00:19:55,803
WILLIS WAS TALKING ABOUT.
565
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,500
SOME PEOPLE DON'T ENJOY BARBECUE
566
00:19:58,500 --> 00:19:59,330
POTATO CHIPS.
567
00:19:59,333 --> 00:20:01,103
IS THERE ANYONE IN HERE THAT
568
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:03,970
DOESN'T ENJOY BARBECUE POTATO
569
00:20:03,967 --> 00:20:04,667
CHIPS.
570
00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:06,497
YA THAT'S A STRAIGHT UP [BEEP]
571
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:07,430
LIE.
572
00:20:07,433 --> 00:20:10,373
REGGIE BUSH IS A VERY DOWN BACK.
573
00:20:10,367 --> 00:20:12,397
NOT DURABLE ENOUGH.
574
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,800
MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP IS THE BEST
575
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,000
OF ALL ICE CREAM.
576
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,300
THAT GUY IS A LUNATIC.
577
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:21,430
I WILL TAKE THE STUPID ICE CREAM
578
00:20:21,433 --> 00:20:23,533
WITH GUM IN IT.
579
00:20:23,533 --> 00:20:25,803
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE SHOULD STICK
580
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,000
TO ACTING OR WHATEVER ELSE HE
581
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,000
WANTS TO DO WONDERFULLY.
582
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,600
TURKEY BACON WHO CAN TELL THE
583
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:33,000
DIFFERENCE?
584
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,000
ANYONE WITH A TONGUE.
585
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,230
FIRE IS THE GREATEST OF THE
586
00:20:37,233 --> 00:20:37,603
ELEMENTS.
587
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,470
EXCUSE ME, WATER?
588
00:20:39,467 --> 00:20:40,327
[LAUGHING]
589
00:20:40,333 --> 00:20:43,833
>> I HAVE READ AND AGREED TO THE
590
00:20:43,833 --> 00:20:45,203
TERMS AND CONDITIONS.
591
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,630
IF YOU HAVE EVER READ EVERYTHING
592
00:20:47,633 --> 00:20:49,433
AND LIKE, AGREE.
593
00:20:49,433 --> 00:20:49,973
[LAUGHING]
594
00:20:49,967 --> 00:20:52,127
>> YOU ARE TRULY INSANE.
595
00:20:52,133 --> 00:20:57,173
THOSE -- IF I HAVE SAID IT ONCE
596
00:20:57,167 --> 00:20:58,967
I HAVE SAID IT A THOUSAND TIMES.
597
00:20:58,967 --> 00:21:01,327
YOU CAN DO A BIT WITH YOUR FANS
598
00:21:01,333 --> 00:21:02,973
DOING ALL THE WORK FOR YOU.
599
00:21:02,967 --> 00:21:03,827
THAT'S INSANE.
600
00:21:03,833 --> 00:21:05,233
ALRIGHT THAT'S IT.
601
00:21:05,233 --> 00:21:08,473
GOOD NIGHT.
602
00:21:08,467 --> 00:21:16,397
>> OOOHHH, GET A ROOM, AUDIENCE.
603
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,670
>> YOU HAVE ALWAYS FILMED YOUR
604
00:21:18,667 --> 00:21:19,167
STUNTS.
605
00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:20,797
>> MOST TIME IT'S VHS.
606
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:24,770
>> I'M EXCITED THEY HAVE VHS IN
607
00:21:24,767 --> 00:21:25,167
KENTUCKY.
608
00:21:25,167 --> 00:21:26,967
>> HOW MANY KID ROCK CONCERTS
36947
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