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1
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:21,670
- JESUS CHRIST.
YOU'RE GOING ROUND TWO?
2
00:00:21,700 --> 00:00:23,100
WHAT THE--
- AH!
3
00:00:23,133 --> 00:00:24,933
audience: OH!
4
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,530
- THAT FAN IS NOT GOING
TO CLEAN ITSELF.
5
00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:42,167
WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
MY BIRTHDAY WAS THIS WEEKEND.
6
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,370
AND I DON'T WANT TO TOOT
MY OWN HORN
7
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:47,470
BUT I THINK I LOOK PRETTY GREAT
FOR 22.
8
00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:49,700
TONIGHT ON THE SHOW,
THE NAKED WIZARD GETS REDEEMED,
9
00:00:49,733 --> 00:00:52,703
I INTRODUCE YOU TO BOB
MY PLEASURE COACH,
10
00:00:52,733 --> 00:00:54,173
AND I LET YOU DECIDE
WHAT WILL BE
11
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,530
IN MY DRESSING ROOM
WHEN I GO ON TOUR.
12
00:00:56,567 --> 00:00:58,997
NOW LET'S WATCH THAT CHICK GET
THROWN INTO A FAN AGAIN.
13
00:00:59,033 --> 00:01:01,503
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
14
00:01:01,533 --> 00:01:03,533
I'M KIDDING.
I DON'T CARE.
15
00:01:03,567 --> 00:01:04,827
AT LEAST SET IT TO LOW.
16
00:01:04,867 --> 00:01:07,297
- DUDE, WHAT THE--
audience: OH!
17
00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:11,073
- NOT AS SUBTLE AS ROHYPNOL,
BUT EQUALLY AS EFFECTIVE.
18
00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:14,697
NOW TRY IT WITH THE LAWNMOWER.
19
00:01:14,733 --> 00:01:17,573
THEY KNOW THERE IS A SWITCH
ON THE WALL, RIGHT?
20
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:18,900
THAT'S WHAT SHE GETS
21
00:01:18,933 --> 00:01:21,433
FOR NOT BRINGING HER HOT FRIEND
TO THE PARTY.
22
00:01:21,467 --> 00:01:25,167
AND NOW YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE
AN ACTUAL BEAR HUG.
23
00:01:30,067 --> 00:01:31,627
AW.
24
00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:34,267
ARE THEY WRESTLING FOR THE TITLE
OF MOST ADORABLE?
25
00:01:34,300 --> 00:01:37,400
BECAUSE I THINK IT'S A TIE.
26
00:01:37,433 --> 00:01:41,073
THIS HAS GOT TO BE OVER
PORRIDGE.
27
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:43,530
THEY SAID THERE WAS NO WAY
THAT BEAR WOULD REMEMBER HIM,
28
00:01:43,567 --> 00:01:47,427
BUT 20 YEARS LATER THEY HAD
THE MOST HEARTWARMING REUNION.
29
00:01:55,067 --> 00:01:56,697
- OKAY!
30
00:01:56,733 --> 00:01:59,073
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA [bleep].
31
00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:04,267
THAT BEAR HAS GOTTEN A LOT
BETTER AT WRESTLING.
32
00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:06,530
- WHEN IS IT OKAY TO LAUGH
AT THE DISABLED?
33
00:02:08,833 --> 00:02:11,073
- THANK YOU.
34
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,130
- NOW, NOW, NOW.
35
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,727
OH.
36
00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:19,267
COME ON, IF TRAIN "A" LEAVES
37
00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:22,130
WAL-MART GOING ONE MILE
AN HOUR--
38
00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:25,497
GOOD THING SHE SPRUNG FOR THE
TOW PACKAGE ON THAT RASCAL.
39
00:02:25,533 --> 00:02:29,503
I SEE MOM IS WEARING HER
GOING-OUT TARP.
40
00:02:29,533 --> 00:02:31,273
SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING.
41
00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:32,500
I DON'T FIND THESE JOKES FUNNY.
42
00:02:32,533 --> 00:02:34,073
WHENEVER I SEE SOMEONE
IN A WHEELCHAIR
43
00:02:34,067 --> 00:02:35,567
I ALWAYS OFFER THEM A RIDE.
44
00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:54,727
98% OF THEM MADE IT
TO THEIR DESTINATION SAFELY.
45
00:02:54,767 --> 00:02:58,927
AND IN FAIRNESS THE GIRL
WAS HALF DEAD ALREADY.
46
00:02:58,967 --> 00:03:00,767
[laughing]
47
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,800
THIS NEXT GUY'S SCOUTING REPORT
READS, "LIKES TO KICK."
48
00:03:06,533 --> 00:03:09,403
THAT ASIAN GUY IS REALLY GOOD
AT KICKING.
49
00:03:09,433 --> 00:03:10,633
SHOCKING.
50
00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:15,067
SOMEBODY IS PRESSING "A"
REALLY FAST SOMEWHERE.
51
00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:17,797
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THIS
YEAR'S PATRONIZING
52
00:03:17,833 --> 00:03:19,333
SLAM DUNK CONTEST.
53
00:03:26,167 --> 00:03:28,597
LOWERING THE BAR ISN'T
HELPING LADIES.
54
00:03:28,633 --> 00:03:30,073
YOU'RE ONLY CHEATING
YOURSELVES.
55
00:03:30,067 --> 00:03:31,667
NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS
ON THE SHOT CLOCK
56
00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:34,330
AND TEACH YOU A LESSON
YOU WON'T SOON FORGET.
57
00:03:34,367 --> 00:03:36,667
I CAN TELL YOU ONE THING A
FATHER NEVER YELLED THAT NIGHT.
58
00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:38,970
"THAT'S MY DAUGHTER."
59
00:03:39,067 --> 00:03:41,797
THE ONES WHO DON'T GET HURT
MAKE THE TEAM.
60
00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:45,173
THIS DUNK IS CALLED I'M TOO UGLY
TO BE A CHEERLEADER.
61
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:48,730
THE KIDS IN THE STANDS MUST BE
ON DETENTION.
62
00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:52,367
THE GIRL WHO WON CRAWLED
UNDER A KIA.
63
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:56,230
JUST HOLD A BOUNCE PASS CONTEST
AND LET'S MOVE ON.
64
00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:57,467
WHAT'S NEXT?
65
00:04:02,433 --> 00:04:04,073
audience: OH!
66
00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:07,600
- WE MISS YOU, MACHO MAN.
67
00:04:07,633 --> 00:04:09,073
LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK
68
00:04:09,067 --> 00:04:10,527
AT WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS
USE THE CROSSWALK
69
00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:11,897
IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
70
00:04:11,933 --> 00:04:14,733
[cheers and applause]
71
00:04:14,767 --> 00:04:17,427
WELCOME TO THE RUSSIAN DRUNK
DRIVING GRAND PRIX
72
00:04:17,467 --> 00:04:19,927
BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMIRNOFF.
73
00:04:19,967 --> 00:04:21,497
IS THIS ON THE VERSUS NETWORK
74
00:04:21,533 --> 00:04:23,333
HOME TO EVERY SPORT
NO ONE CARES ABOUT?
75
00:04:23,367 --> 00:04:24,667
THIS CAMERAMAN WANTS YOU
76
00:04:24,700 --> 00:04:27,370
TO ENJOY THE 3-D EXPERIENCE
SO HE STANDS DIRECTLY
77
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,530
IN THE PATH OF ONCOMING
TRAFFIC.
78
00:04:31,167 --> 00:04:35,067
[bleep] YOU, PAPARAZZI.
THIS ONE'S FOR PRINCESS DIANA.
79
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,570
NASCAR WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER
80
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,370
IF FANS COULD STAND
ON THE TRACK LIKE THIS.
81
00:04:41,667 --> 00:04:43,327
audience: OH!
82
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:46,727
- THAT DECEPTICON IS HUNGRY.
83
00:04:46,767 --> 00:04:48,227
NOT SURE HOW THIS RACE WORKS.
84
00:04:48,267 --> 00:04:51,327
DOES THE DRIVER GET POINTS
FOR EACH PERSON HE MURDERS?
85
00:04:51,367 --> 00:04:52,667
IN HIS DEFENSE,
86
00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:56,630
UNDER THE TRUCK IS
A BIG BLIND SPOT.
87
00:04:56,667 --> 00:04:59,167
HOLD THE PHONE.
THAT DUDE IS STILL ALIVE...
88
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:03,270
AND HIS JACKET TURNED
INSIDE OUT.
89
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:04,530
HEY, IF YOU DIDN'T GET
A PLATE NUMBER
90
00:05:04,567 --> 00:05:06,827
I'M SURE IT'S IMPRINTED
ON YOUR BACK.
91
00:05:06,867 --> 00:05:08,627
WE'RE JUST GLAD ONE CAMERAMAN
WAS SMART ENOUGH
92
00:05:08,667 --> 00:05:11,567
TO STAY OFF THE COURSE
AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.
93
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,630
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH THE NAKED WIZARD,
94
00:05:13,667 --> 00:05:17,427
BUT FIRST HERE'S THE HIGH-CLASS
NUT SHOT OF THE WEEK.
95
00:05:20,133 --> 00:05:21,333
audience: OH!
96
00:05:21,367 --> 00:05:22,497
- GOD DAMMIT!
97
00:05:22,533 --> 00:05:24,933
OW, [bleep].
98
00:05:29,933 --> 00:05:32,803
[commotion]
99
00:05:35,667 --> 00:05:38,327
- IT DOESN'T MATTER.
100
00:05:57,900 --> 00:06:01,300
- HIS PENIS IS EVEN SMALLER
THAN LADY GAGA'S.
101
00:06:01,333 --> 00:06:03,303
THAT'S JONATHAN FELCH,
THE NAKED WIZARD,
102
00:06:03,333 --> 00:06:05,803
AND HE WAS JUST TRYING TO ENJOY
THE COCHELLA MUSIC FESTIVAL,
103
00:06:05,833 --> 00:06:08,633
A THREE-DAY CELEBRATION
OF OVERRATED BANDS.
104
00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:10,067
REGULAR CONCERTS AREN'T
BAD ENOUGH?
105
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:12,230
DO WE REALLY NEED TO ADD CAMPING
TO THE MIX?
106
00:06:12,267 --> 00:06:14,467
MUSIC FESTIVALS ARE LIKE
THIRD WORLD COUNTIES.
107
00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:16,170
TENT CITIES
WITH NO RUNNING WATER,
108
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:19,130
FLOPPY-TITTED TOPLESS CHICKS,
AND TONS OF AIDS.
109
00:06:19,167 --> 00:06:21,697
IS THIS BONNAROO
OR SOMALIA?
110
00:06:21,733 --> 00:06:23,303
YOU KNOW WHO NEVER GOES
TO FESTIVALS?
111
00:06:23,333 --> 00:06:25,803
BANDS WHO SELL A LOT
OF TICKETS.
112
00:06:25,833 --> 00:06:27,573
I'M GLAD THERE'S EIGHT STAGES
TO CHOOSE FROM.
113
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,530
THAT SHOULD SOUND
FANTASTIC.
114
00:06:29,567 --> 00:06:31,427
WHEN I LISTEN TO MUSIC AT HOME
I LIKE TO HAVE FIVE SONGS
115
00:06:31,467 --> 00:06:34,367
GOING AT ONCE FROM DIFFERENT
PARTS OF THE HOUSE.
116
00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:36,630
AND SURE, STANDING OUTSIDE
AND ROLLING ON "E"
117
00:06:36,667 --> 00:06:39,467
WITH A BUNCH OF SMELLY HIPSTERS
SOUNDS LIKE A BLAST,
118
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,200
BUT NOTHING MAKES A SUNBURN
STING MORE THAN
119
00:06:41,233 --> 00:06:46,073
WHEN BAND OF HORSES IS PLAYING
THE SOUNDTRACK TO YOUR RAPE.
120
00:06:46,067 --> 00:06:48,227
THE WORST THING ABOUT MUSIC
FESTIVALS
121
00:06:48,267 --> 00:06:52,167
IS THEY'RE FULL OF THE ONE THING
I TRY TO AVOID--YOU.
122
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,230
I'D MUCH RATHER DRAW A BATH,
123
00:06:53,267 --> 00:06:55,197
PUT ON MY BANG AND OLUFSEN
STEREO,
124
00:06:55,233 --> 00:06:58,103
AND LISTEN TO MUSIC
LIKE A GENTLEMAN.
125
00:06:58,133 --> 00:07:00,533
I'M FURIOUS IF I'M FURTHER BACK
THAN ROW "F".
126
00:07:00,567 --> 00:07:02,527
SO I'LL PASS ON STANDING
TWO ACRES AWAY
127
00:07:02,567 --> 00:07:05,097
IN THE 100 DEGREE HEAT
JUST TO KEEP BRANDON FLOWERS
128
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:07,473
FROM EYE-[bleep]ING
MY GIRLFRIEND.
129
00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:08,970
I BLAME WOODSTOCK.
130
00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:10,527
EVERYONE ACTS LIKE
IT WAS SO GREAT.
131
00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:12,927
BUT I SAW HALF OF THAT AWFUL
DEMETRI MARTIN MOVIE,
132
00:07:12,967 --> 00:07:14,827
AND I BEG TO DIFFER.
133
00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:16,167
PEACE AND LOVE.
134
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:17,500
MORE LIKE THREE DAYS
OF LISTENING
135
00:07:17,533 --> 00:07:20,103
TO A BUNCH OF HAIRY DRAFT
DODGERS WINE ABOUT STUFF.
136
00:07:20,133 --> 00:07:21,873
THE ONLY REASON WOODSTOCK
WAS NECESSARY
137
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,930
IS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE
iTUNES.
138
00:07:23,967 --> 00:07:27,127
STILL HARDLY SEEMS FAIR THE
POLICE TASED THE NAKED WIZARD
139
00:07:27,167 --> 00:07:28,697
JUST BECAUSE
HE TRIED TO ROCK OUT
140
00:07:28,733 --> 00:07:30,773
WITH HIS TINY [bleep] OUT.
141
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,800
THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM HERE
TO PLAY A GAME OF JUST THE TIP--
142
00:07:33,833 --> 00:07:35,833
OR AS HE CALLS IT,
FULL INSERTION--
143
00:07:35,867 --> 00:07:37,427
IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
144
00:07:43,867 --> 00:07:45,727
- JONATHAN.
- WHAT'S UP, MAN?
145
00:07:45,767 --> 00:07:47,467
- HOW ARE YOU.
- GOOD, HOW YOU DOING?
146
00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:50,070
- FIRST THINGS FIRST.
I GOTTA SEE THAT PENIS.
147
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:51,470
- WHAT? NO.
148
00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:52,670
- COME ON.
I'LL SHOW YOU MINE.
149
00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:54,330
- [sigh] ALL RIGHT.
150
00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:55,597
- LET'S GO IN HERE.
151
00:07:55,633 --> 00:07:58,503
- NAKED WIZARD!
YOU ROCK MAN.
152
00:07:58,533 --> 00:08:00,603
- THANKS, BRO.
- WHAT ABOUT ME?
153
00:08:00,633 --> 00:08:02,503
- TOSH.0 SUCKS.
154
00:08:02,533 --> 00:08:03,633
- NOT COOL.
NOT COOL.
155
00:08:03,667 --> 00:08:04,727
- THANKS, MAN.
156
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:08,797
- COME ON IN.
157
00:08:08,833 --> 00:08:10,733
- TORNADO!
158
00:08:10,767 --> 00:08:13,297
- I THINK IT'D BE EASIER
IF WE BOTH GOT COMPLETELY NAKED.
159
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,830
OH, I DON'T THINK WE'RE
IN COCHELLA ANYMORE.
160
00:08:23,867 --> 00:08:26,427
- OH, MAN, I THINK WE LANDED
ON DOROTHY.
161
00:08:26,467 --> 00:08:29,497
- MIGHT AS WELL STEAL HER
RUBY RED CHUCKS AND HER DOG.
162
00:08:29,533 --> 00:08:31,833
YOU SO CUTE.
- GO FOR IT MAN.
163
00:08:31,867 --> 00:08:33,797
- NOW THAT WE'RE IN COLOR
I MIGHT AS WELL INTERVIEW YOU.
164
00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:36,103
- JON, WHERE WERE YOU
FOR THAT VIDEO?
165
00:08:36,133 --> 00:08:38,303
- ME AND FOUR OF MY OTHER
FRIENDS
166
00:08:38,333 --> 00:08:39,973
DRIVE OUT TO THE FESTIVAL
167
00:08:40,067 --> 00:08:42,627
AND WE WERE GONNA GO SEE
PAUL MCCARTNEY.
168
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:45,727
THE FIRST THING THAT WE WANT
TO DO IS GET, YOU KNOW,
169
00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:47,227
THE PARTY FAVORS.
170
00:08:47,267 --> 00:08:48,867
- DRUGS.
- YEAH, EXACTLY.
171
00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:51,530
I TOOK THIS STUFF AND IT WAS
ON A Q-TIP.
172
00:08:51,567 --> 00:08:56,167
ABOUT TEN MINUTES LATER,
I'M STARTING TO TRIP OUT, MAN.
173
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,500
I MEAN, THIS IS LIKE--
- [laughing]
174
00:08:59,533 --> 00:09:01,233
- THIS IS LIKE MORE TRIPPING
THAN IT SHOULD BE.
175
00:09:01,267 --> 00:09:03,667
I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER
WHAT EXACTLY
176
00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:06,370
MADE ME WANT TO TAKE
ALL OF MY CLOTHES OFF.
177
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,930
I FIGURE
IT'S A MUSIC FESTIVAL,
178
00:09:08,967 --> 00:09:10,627
NOT MUCH OF A PROBLEM,
RIGHT?
179
00:09:10,667 --> 00:09:13,497
I BASICALLY CAME TO
IN JAIL.
180
00:09:13,533 --> 00:09:15,073
- THAT'S GOTTA BE WEIRD
TO COME TO IN JAIL.
181
00:09:15,067 --> 00:09:16,327
- IT WAS WEIRD, MAN.
182
00:09:16,367 --> 00:09:18,067
- THAT'S LIKE THE LIVING
HANGOVER.
183
00:09:18,067 --> 00:09:22,127
- I THOUGHT FOR A WHILE
THAT I HAD PUT MYSELF
184
00:09:22,167 --> 00:09:24,367
IN JAIL IN MY OWN HEAD.
185
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:25,730
AND THAT WAS KIND OF SCARY.
186
00:09:25,767 --> 00:09:29,397
- YOU'RE THE DUDE.
- KIND OF. YEAH, YEAH.
187
00:09:29,433 --> 00:09:33,633
COME A WEEK LATER, MY FRIEND
CALLS ME UP AND HE'S LIKE,
188
00:09:33,667 --> 00:09:35,497
"DUDE, YOU GOT TO GET
ON YOUR COMPUTER.
189
00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:37,173
YOU'RE ALL OVER YOUTUBE, MAN."
190
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,370
- DID IT MAKE YOU SICK
THE FIRST TIME YOU WATCHED IT?
191
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:40,930
- IT WAS PRETTY HARD TO WATCH.
192
00:09:40,967 --> 00:09:42,367
PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS.
193
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:47,470
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ME,
POLICE BRUTALITY, NUDITY,
194
00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:49,330
AND TASERS, AND--
- AND YOUR PENIS.
195
00:09:49,367 --> 00:09:50,527
- AND MY PENIS.
196
00:09:50,567 --> 00:09:51,927
- HAVE YOU BEEN BACK TO PRISON
SINCE THEN?
197
00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:55,727
- ACTUALLY YEAH.
198
00:09:55,767 --> 00:09:57,427
NOT PRISON BUT COUNTY JAIL.
199
00:09:57,467 --> 00:09:58,927
- DID YOU TRY TO SUE THEM
AT ALL?
200
00:09:58,967 --> 00:10:00,997
- I'M NOT REALLY OUT TO MAKE
A BUNCH OF MONEY
201
00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:02,403
OFF THE POLICE DEPARTMENT?
202
00:10:02,433 --> 00:10:03,703
- JUST THE SATISFACTION
203
00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:06,273
OF TELLING THEM, "HEY,
KNOCK IT OFF, YOU MANIACS.
204
00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:09,270
UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION
THAT YOU'RE IN AND CALM DOWN."
205
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:13,900
- AND THEY TASED ME IN THE NECK,
THEY TASED ME NEAR THE HEART.
206
00:10:13,933 --> 00:10:16,073
AND THOSE ARE THINGS
THAT ARE AGAINST THE LAW
207
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:17,230
FOR THEM TO DO.
- REPEATEDLY.
208
00:10:17,267 --> 00:10:18,427
- TASERS CAN KILL PEOPLE.
209
00:10:18,467 --> 00:10:21,267
- IT IS IRONIC, THOUGH,
BECAUSE MOST VICTIMS OF
210
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:24,370
POLICE BRUTALITY ARE USUALLY
BLACK GUYS WITH HUGE [bleep].
211
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:25,870
- RIGHT.
I KNOW, WEIRD.
212
00:10:25,900 --> 00:10:28,000
WHAT IF THE PERSON
THAT WAS NAKED,
213
00:10:28,033 --> 00:10:30,073
RUNNING AROUND COCHELLA
WAS A WOMAN?
214
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:32,800
- AT ONE POINT I THOUGHT
THAT WAS A CLITORIS.
215
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:33,933
- OH, GOD, THANKS.
216
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,027
DRUGS CAN KIND OF MAKE YOU
SHRIVEL UP.
217
00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:37,667
- HAVE YOU DONE LSD SINCE THEN?
218
00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:39,000
- YEAH, YEAH, I HAVE.
219
00:10:39,033 --> 00:10:40,173
- WELL, YOU GOTTA GET BACK UP
ON THE HORSE.
220
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,170
- YEAH.
221
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,470
- KIDS, LET THAT BE A LESSON
TO YOU.
222
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:46,300
IF YOU HAVE A BAD TRIP,
TRY IT AGAIN.
223
00:10:46,333 --> 00:10:48,133
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
224
00:10:48,167 --> 00:10:49,367
- I'M A FIRE DANCER.
225
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:50,800
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S STOP
RIGHT THERE.
226
00:10:50,833 --> 00:10:53,733
BECAUSE YOU SAID FIRE DANCER
AND ACTED LIKE THAT WAS NORMAL.
227
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:57,027
- YEAH.
- WHAT IS A FIRE DANCER?
228
00:10:57,067 --> 00:11:01,097
- WELL, I DO JUGGLING,
AND I DO POI, AND I DO BATONS,
229
00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:02,473
AND STAFFS.
230
00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:05,830
I'VE BEEN KIND OF A CIRCUS FREAK
FOR A LONG TIME NOW.
231
00:11:05,867 --> 00:11:07,567
HOW MANY PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
SAW YOUR PENIS?
232
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,930
- IT WAS PRETTY SOON
AFTER THE VIDEO WAS POSTED
233
00:11:10,967 --> 00:11:13,697
THAT THEY STARTED PUTTING
THE BLACK DOT OVER IT.
234
00:11:13,733 --> 00:11:16,333
- AND IT'S KIND OF APPROPRIATE
THEY USED A DOT.
235
00:11:16,367 --> 00:11:18,067
- DEFINITELY HURTS MY GAME,
YOU KNOW?
236
00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:19,670
- DID IT COMPLETELY KILL
YOUR GAME?
237
00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:21,930
- IT'S NOT LIKE MY GAME WAS ALL
THAT GOOD IN T FIRST PLACE.
238
00:11:21,967 --> 00:11:26,167
BUT I MEAN, I'M USUALLY
THE LIFE OF THE PARTY.
239
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,670
I MEAN, I DANCE WITH FIRE.
THAT'S KINDA COOL.
240
00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:31,070
- HAS A WOMAN EVER SAID,
241
00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:32,267
"YOU'RE THE BIGGEST MAN
I HAVE BEEN WITH"?
242
00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:34,200
- NO, DEFINITELY NOT.
243
00:11:34,233 --> 00:11:36,473
- HOW BIG IS YOUR PENIS
WHEN IT'S AROUSED?
244
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:38,270
- UM, MAYBE LIKE FIVE INCHES.
245
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,200
- OH, THAT IS QUITE
THE TRANSFORMATION.
246
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:43,573
- YEAH, LIKE I SAID,
I'M A GROWER NOT A SHOWER.
247
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:47,300
- IS IT THICK?
- YEAH.
248
00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:49,333
- HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED
HAVING SEX WITH A LITTLE PERSON?
249
00:11:49,367 --> 00:11:50,627
- NO.
250
00:11:50,667 --> 00:11:53,427
- MY THEORY IS THAT
IT WOULD LOOK A LOT BIGGER.
251
00:11:53,467 --> 00:11:55,067
- THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA,
ACTUALLY.
252
00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:57,430
- LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT
TO GET YOUR OPPORTUNITY.
253
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,167
CAN YOU GUYS HELP US?
254
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,530
- THE WIZARD OF OZ CAN HELP YOU
WITH ANYTHING YOU NEED.
255
00:12:01,567 --> 00:12:02,897
- HE NEEDS A BIGGER PENIS,
256
00:12:02,933 --> 00:12:04,133
AND HE'D LIKE TO SEE
PAUL McCARTNEY.
257
00:12:04,167 --> 00:12:05,367
I JUST WANT TO GET HOME.
258
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,070
- THEN FOLLOW
THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD.
259
00:12:07,100 --> 00:12:09,630
IT'S A LONG JOURNEY,
PAST A DARK GLADE,
260
00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:12,927
PATROLLED BY THE WITCH'S
WINGED MONKEY SOLDIERS.
261
00:12:12,967 --> 00:12:15,297
- FORGET THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
AND THOSE FLYING AIDS MONKEYS.
262
00:12:15,333 --> 00:12:16,633
GOOGLE MAPS SAYS IT'S
FOUR BLOCKS THIS WAY.
263
00:12:16,667 --> 00:12:20,527
LET'S GO, COME ON.
264
00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:23,197
- I KNOW YOU,
YOU'RE THAT PUSSY LION.
265
00:12:23,233 --> 00:12:25,273
- NO, I AM AZLAN.
266
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:27,430
I'M HERE TO CONVINCE
THE WIZARD OF OZ
267
00:12:27,467 --> 00:12:29,767
TO ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST
INTO HIS HEART.
268
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:30,930
- GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
269
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:32,127
- I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S THERE.
270
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:35,167
I'VE BEEN WAITING
QUITE AWHILE.
271
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:36,430
- HUH.
272
00:12:40,167 --> 00:12:41,897
- BEAT IT, JESUS FREAK.
273
00:12:41,933 --> 00:12:45,733
- I AM THE GREAT
AND POWERFUL OZ.
274
00:12:45,767 --> 00:12:48,967
KOO-KOO-KACHOO.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
275
00:12:49,067 --> 00:12:52,627
- WHOA! PAUL MCCARTNEY,
YOU'RE THE WIZARD?
276
00:12:52,667 --> 00:12:53,867
- THAT'S RIGHT, LOVE.
277
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:55,970
SORRY YOU DIDN'T GET
TO SEE ME AT COACHELLA.
278
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:57,227
[dog barks]
279
00:12:57,267 --> 00:12:59,897
- WHAT IS IT, BOY?
IS SOMETHING BACK HERE?
280
00:13:01,433 --> 00:13:03,933
both:
JAMES VAN DER BEEK!
281
00:13:03,967 --> 00:13:05,327
- WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
282
00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:07,067
- THE BEEK
IS AN ENIGMA, MAN.
283
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:09,070
YOU NEVER KNOW
WHERE I'LL POP UP.
284
00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:11,070
SO...
285
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:12,500
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
286
00:13:12,533 --> 00:13:14,073
- GOD DAMMIT,
YOU ARE GOOD LOOKING.
287
00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:16,327
UH, MR. BEEK,
I JUST WANNA GO HOME.
288
00:13:16,367 --> 00:13:18,367
HE'D LIKE A BIGGER PENIS.
289
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,070
AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,
THROW A FEW INCHES MY WAY.
290
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,367
- HE DOESN'T NEED
A BIGGER PENIS.
291
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:25,130
HE'S HAD A BIG PENIS INSIDE HIM
THIS WHOLE TIME.
292
00:13:25,167 --> 00:13:26,467
- OH!
293
00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:28,300
[audience oohs]
294
00:13:28,333 --> 00:13:29,803
- I DON'T WANT YOUR LIFE.
295
00:13:29,833 --> 00:13:31,803
- GET US OUT OF HERE,
DANIEL, HUH?
296
00:13:31,833 --> 00:13:33,533
- THERE'S NO PLACE
LIKE HOME,
297
00:13:33,567 --> 00:13:35,197
THERE'S NO PLACE
LIKE HOME,
298
00:13:35,233 --> 00:13:36,533
THERE'S NO PLACE
LIKE HOME.
299
00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:38,967
[dance music playing]
300
00:13:39,067 --> 00:13:42,427
OH. IT WAS ALL
A WET DREAM.
301
00:13:43,533 --> 00:13:44,533
- YEP.
302
00:13:44,567 --> 00:13:46,497
- WAS JAMES VAN DER BEEK
IN YOURS?
303
00:13:46,533 --> 00:13:47,733
- ALWAYS.
304
00:13:47,767 --> 00:13:49,727
- ME TOO.
305
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:51,467
- YEAH.
306
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:53,800
- THE BEEK.
I LOVE THE BEEK.
307
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,803
[applause]
308
00:13:55,833 --> 00:13:59,533
HOW MANY OF YOU KNEW THE BEEK
WAS GONNA BE THE WIZARD?
309
00:13:59,567 --> 00:14:02,097
THAT IS CLASSIC BEEK!
310
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:04,073
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
BUT FIRST, DID I WIN?
311
00:14:04,067 --> 00:14:05,497
[cheering]
312
00:14:05,533 --> 00:14:06,873
- OH!
313
00:14:10,467 --> 00:14:12,097
- DID I WIN?
314
00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:14,273
[laughter, applause]
315
00:14:17,633 --> 00:14:19,073
- HEY. SOME OF MY GUYS
HAVE ASKED
316
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:21,167
IF I WOULD TALK A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT MY SENSITIVE NIPS SESSION.
317
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,600
FOR SOME OF THEM,
318
00:14:22,633 --> 00:14:25,873
IT CAN BE REALLY ALMOST
HOT WIRED TO THEIR GENITALS.
319
00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:29,470
[laughter, audience oohs]
320
00:14:35,433 --> 00:14:36,733
- THIS IS BOB.
321
00:14:36,767 --> 00:14:38,067
[laughter]
322
00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:39,297
HE'S A PLEASURE COACH.
323
00:14:39,333 --> 00:14:41,303
CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HAPPY
I WAS WHEN I FOUND OUT
324
00:14:41,333 --> 00:14:42,973
HE LIVES RIGHT DOWN
THE STREET FROM ME
325
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:45,127
IN WEST HOLLYWOOD?
326
00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:47,567
EVERYBODY
GET YOUR SHIRTS OFF.
327
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:49,730
TO REWARD YOU
FOR ALL YOUR HARD WORK,
328
00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:52,167
I BROUGHT IN MY PLEASURE COACH
TO GIVE YOU EACH
329
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,630
AN INDIVIDUAL
SENSITIVE NIP SESSION.
330
00:14:54,667 --> 00:14:56,297
[applause]
- WHOO!
331
00:14:56,333 --> 00:14:57,703
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
- HEY!
332
00:14:57,733 --> 00:14:59,373
- BOB'S HERE.
- HEY!
333
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:00,670
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
334
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,070
- ALL RIGHT.
335
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:05,367
- INTERTWINE YOUR FINGERS.
AROUND MY HEAD.
336
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:09,330
[laughter]
337
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:11,227
- [laughing]
LOOK AT THAT...
338
00:15:11,267 --> 00:15:13,727
[speaks indistinctly]
339
00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:15,727
OH, GOD.
340
00:15:15,767 --> 00:15:18,727
[laughter]
341
00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:19,927
NOW, HE'S PRETTY HAIRY.
342
00:15:19,967 --> 00:15:21,597
IS THERE AN ADVANTAGE
TO BEING HAIRY, THOUGH?
343
00:15:21,633 --> 00:15:23,933
- WELL, THERE'S
SOMETHING ELSE THERE
344
00:15:23,967 --> 00:15:25,097
TO GRAB A HOLD OF.
345
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,233
- OH...
- YEAH.
346
00:15:26,267 --> 00:15:28,397
- I'M STARTING SEE
THE ADVANTAGES.
347
00:15:28,433 --> 00:15:30,073
- [laughing]
WELL...
348
00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:31,730
MY GOAL
IS TO TEACH PEOPLE
349
00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:34,327
TO BE MORE AWARE
OF THEIR EROGENOUS ZONES.
350
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,267
OOH, HE'S A HANDFUL.
351
00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:37,500
- NOW, HE'S
A SOLID B CUP.
352
00:15:37,533 --> 00:15:39,733
[laughter]
353
00:15:39,767 --> 00:15:42,727
- SOMETIMES
AN EXTRA LITTLE PINCH
354
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:44,227
IS APPRECIATED.
355
00:15:44,267 --> 00:15:45,767
- SOMETIMES...
356
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,600
- EVEN AN ADDITIONAL PINCH
IS APPRECIATED.
357
00:15:47,633 --> 00:15:49,433
- OH! THERE WE GO.
I LIKE THIS.
358
00:15:49,467 --> 00:15:50,597
I THINK
I APPROVE OF THIS.
359
00:15:50,633 --> 00:15:52,073
- YEAH. IT SLIPPED.
360
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:53,570
[laughter]
361
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,230
[audience oohs]
362
00:15:55,267 --> 00:15:56,327
- OH...
363
00:15:56,367 --> 00:15:59,667
- NICE GRADUAL,
GENTLE SUCTION
364
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:01,570
THAT SOMETIMES CAN MAKE
THOSE LITTLE PUPPIES
365
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,070
PERK UP A LITTLE BIT
366
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:05,900
LIKE THOSE.
367
00:16:05,933 --> 00:16:08,873
- [chuckles]
368
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:10,370
- OH, THIS LOOKS NICE.
369
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:11,870
- SO...
- OH!
370
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:13,900
[laughter]
371
00:16:15,733 --> 00:16:16,873
OH!
372
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:20,900
[laughter]
373
00:16:20,933 --> 00:16:22,703
NO, DON'T DO THAT!
374
00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:24,703
- THAT ONE NEEDS MORE--
- RED HURTS!
375
00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:25,933
IT REALLY HURTS.
376
00:16:25,967 --> 00:16:27,427
- IT'S A DIFFERENT DIAMETER.
- OH, OKAY.
377
00:16:27,467 --> 00:16:28,767
- READY?
- YEP.
378
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,100
- LOOK AT ME.
- OHH!
379
00:16:31,133 --> 00:16:33,273
- [laughs]
SAY THANK YOU.
380
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:35,770
- THANK YOU.
- YOU BET!
381
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,430
- [speaks indistinctly]
382
00:16:37,467 --> 00:16:39,097
- SO WHO'S READY
FOR THE ULTRA MASSAGE?
383
00:16:39,133 --> 00:16:42,803
- BOB, THAT IS ME!
THAT IS ME!
384
00:16:42,833 --> 00:16:47,973
[classical violin music]
385
00:16:48,067 --> 00:16:52,167
OOH!
[chuckles]
386
00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:59,727
OH, GOOD.
387
00:16:59,767 --> 00:17:02,327
- MM.
388
00:17:05,933 --> 00:17:07,573
YEAH.
- THE ANAL CRANIAL.
389
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,230
- OHH, I LOVE
THE ANGLE!
390
00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:13,067
[laughs]
391
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,730
THAT IS--OH!
392
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:18,497
OH, GOD, YES!
393
00:17:18,533 --> 00:17:20,273
I THINK I'M FINISHED.
394
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:22,670
I KEEP THINKING
EVERY BIT WE DO
395
00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:25,070
IS GONNA BE THE GAYEST THING
WE'VE EVER DONE,
396
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:28,470
BUT SOMEHOW WE ALWAYS MANAGE
TO TOP OURSELVES.
397
00:17:28,500 --> 00:17:31,170
IF YOU WANNA BOOK
YOUR OWN ANAL CRANIAL,
398
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:32,630
AMD TRUST ME, YOU DO,
399
00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:35,127
GO TO THIS WEBSITE
AND TELL 'EM DANIEL SENT YOU.
400
00:17:35,167 --> 00:17:37,597
BY THE WAY, WE'RE STILL LOOKING
FOR WHAT COLLEGE TO GO TO
401
00:17:37,633 --> 00:17:38,873
ON OUR CAMPUS INVASION.
402
00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:40,070
OUR LATEST SUBMISSION
COMES TO US
403
00:17:40,067 --> 00:17:41,367
FROM MICHIGAN STATE.
404
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,070
- DANIEL TOSH,
WE'RE ALL GONNA TELL YOU
405
00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:44,527
WHY US SPARTAN CHICKS
406
00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:46,967
WANT YOU TO COME
TO VISIT US, OKAY?
407
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,127
- HE'S SEXY!
408
00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:53,127
all: [speaking
over each other]
409
00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:55,667
- IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
I CAN'T BE ON THIS.
410
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:58,500
BUT THE DANIEL FISHER SHOW...
- OH!
411
00:17:58,533 --> 00:18:00,673
- ALL RIGHT, WE HAVEN'T
PICKED A WINNER YET,
412
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:02,170
BUT BASED ON THAT VIDEO,
413
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,830
MICHIGAN STATE
IS OUT OF THE RUNNING.
414
00:18:04,867 --> 00:18:07,667
YOUR SCHOOL SEEMS AWFUL,
AND YOUR GIRLS ARE ANNOYING.
415
00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,270
KEEP SENDING IN
YOUR SUBMISSIONS.
416
00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:11,200
DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG
AND UPLOAD A CLIP
417
00:18:11,233 --> 00:18:12,933
FOR A CHANCE
TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.
418
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:15,667
THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US
FROM CREAMCOMEDY.COM.
419
00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:17,530
- HEY. THIS IS
MY MERCEDES.
420
00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:19,497
- MA'AM.
- HE'S MY--WHERE'S MY HUSBAND?
421
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:21,473
- MA'AM. MA'AM,
IS THIS YOUR VEHICLE?
422
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:24,330
- YES, IS MY SON OKAY?
423
00:18:24,367 --> 00:18:27,067
[woman speaking
over police radio]
424
00:18:27,067 --> 00:18:28,327
[laughter]
425
00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:30,827
- WON'T BE NEEDING
THAT ONE ANYMORE.
426
00:18:30,867 --> 00:18:32,527
- NO...
427
00:18:32,567 --> 00:18:36,067
- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
UPRIGHT CITIZENS BRIGADE.
428
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:38,267
[cheers, applause]
429
00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:42,433
[cheers, applause]
430
00:18:42,467 --> 00:18:44,097
- WELCOME BACK.
431
00:18:44,133 --> 00:18:45,603
DID YOU GUYS SEE
THE OPRAH FINALE
432
00:18:45,633 --> 00:18:48,433
WHERE SHE REVEALED SHE'S BEEN
TYLER PERRY THIS WHOLE TIME?
433
00:18:48,467 --> 00:18:49,767
[laughter]
434
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,170
NEXT WEEK THE BUG
AND MOUTH REPORTER STOPS BY
435
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:53,530
FOR A WEB REDEMPTION.
436
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,067
- WHAT REALLY HAPPENED
ON THAT THURSDAY
437
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,467
HERE AT
AUGUSTA HIGH SCHOOL
438
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:57,970
THAT LEAD
TO CHRIS WOODS' DEATH?
439
00:18:58,067 --> 00:19:00,127
WHAT THE [bleep]
IS THAT?
440
00:19:00,167 --> 00:19:01,827
[bleep]
441
00:19:03,833 --> 00:19:05,903
I'M DYING IN THIS
[bleep] COUNTRY-ASS,
442
00:19:05,933 --> 00:19:07,503
[bleep]-UP TOWN.
443
00:19:07,533 --> 00:19:10,503
- I MISS CHOCOLATE NEWS.
444
00:19:10,533 --> 00:19:11,833
BE SURE YOU
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER
445
00:19:11,867 --> 00:19:13,227
SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT
DURING THE SHOWS.
446
00:19:13,267 --> 00:19:16,067
KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG
OVER AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.
447
00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:17,470
AND TICKETS
ARE NOW ON SALE
448
00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:19,300
FOR MY NEW
TOSH TOUR ON ICE.
449
00:19:19,333 --> 00:19:21,333
THAT'S IN CANADA.
450
00:19:21,367 --> 00:19:23,327
WHEN YOU GO ON TOUR,
YOU HAVE A RIDER,
451
00:19:23,367 --> 00:19:25,427
WHICH IS A LIST OF STUFF
YOU WANT IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM.
452
00:19:25,467 --> 00:19:27,927
KATY PERRY HAS DOZENS
OF THINGS ON THERE--
453
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:31,427
FLOWERS, SOFT PINK WALLS,
A CHEATING HUSBAND.
454
00:19:31,467 --> 00:19:33,797
THIS IS WHAT
I HAVE ON MINE.
455
00:19:33,833 --> 00:19:35,573
FOUR BOTTLES OF SMART WATER.
456
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,730
WHY? BECAUSE
THE PERFORMER IS THE ONE
457
00:19:37,767 --> 00:19:40,067
WHO ACTUALLY PAYS
FOR WHAT'S ON THE RIDER.
458
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:43,330
BUT I'M A PRETTY BIG DEAL NOW,
OR SO I TELL MYSELF.
459
00:19:43,367 --> 00:19:44,727
[laughter]
460
00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:47,497
SO I WENT TO TWITTER TO SEE
WHAT ELSE I SHOULD ASK FOR.
461
00:19:47,533 --> 00:19:51,733
SOME MOTHER[bleep] STEAK.
462
00:19:51,767 --> 00:19:54,427
A 3-D TV SO DERRICK ROSE
CAN SIT IN THE CORNER
463
00:19:54,467 --> 00:19:56,597
AND FEEL LIKE HE
IS IN THE NBA FINALS.
464
00:19:56,633 --> 00:19:58,103
[audience oohs]
465
00:19:58,133 --> 00:19:59,903
MARSHMALLOW PEEPS. L-O-L.
466
00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:01,297
IT'S NOT EASTER ANYMORE.
467
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:02,973
IT'S GONNA BE
REAL HARD TO FIND THOSE
468
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,800
NOW THAT IT'S NOT EASTER.
469
00:20:06,833 --> 00:20:09,973
A BOTTLE OF "YOU SUCK ASS."
470
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,270
AH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT,
BUT IF THEY'RE ALL OUT OF THAT,
471
00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:14,430
MAYBE I'LL JUST TAKE A GLASS
OF "YOUR MOM'S A WHORE."
472
00:20:14,467 --> 00:20:15,827
[laughter]
473
00:20:15,867 --> 00:20:20,297
BALL'S IN YOUR COURT,
showARK501.
474
00:20:20,333 --> 00:20:23,303
A SIGNED COPY OF GOOSEBUMPS
BY R.L. STINE.
475
00:20:23,333 --> 00:20:24,803
[laughter, applause]
476
00:20:24,833 --> 00:20:27,133
IT'S NOT AN EASY GET.
477
00:20:27,167 --> 00:20:28,797
ROBOT ARMS.
478
00:20:28,833 --> 00:20:29,973
ONLY THE ARMS,
479
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,730
BECAUSE THEY'RE
THE ONLY COOL PART
480
00:20:31,767 --> 00:20:33,467
OF THE ROBOTIC SYSTEM.
481
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:34,970
JACKIE CHAN
482
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,300
AND $500 WORTH
OF SOUR WORMS
483
00:20:36,333 --> 00:20:38,203
WITH THE SOUR
ALREADY SUCKED OFF.
484
00:20:38,233 --> 00:20:40,403
DOES JACKIE
SUCK THE SOUR?
485
00:20:40,433 --> 00:20:43,133
YES, JACKIE SUCKS
THE SOUR.
486
00:20:43,167 --> 00:20:46,327
MEXICANS COOKING YOU TACOS
AND OTHER HISPANIC TREATS.
487
00:20:46,367 --> 00:20:47,867
[laughter]
488
00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:50,930
A BLACK GUY
TO BLAME STUFF ON.
489
00:20:50,967 --> 00:20:52,597
THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
490
00:20:52,633 --> 00:20:55,103
IT'S RACIST,
BUT NOT A BAD IDEA.
491
00:20:55,133 --> 00:20:56,503
ALL RIGHT, I'M OUT OF COMEDY
FOR THE NIGHT.
492
00:20:56,533 --> 00:20:57,833
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
493
00:20:57,867 --> 00:21:02,627
[cheers, applause]
494
00:21:02,667 --> 00:21:06,367
[gunshots]
495
00:21:13,933 --> 00:21:15,573
- THERE WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE
THAT THOUGHT THAT I WAS DRUNK.
496
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,070
- YEAH, I DON'T THINK
YOU READ DRUNK AT ALL.
497
00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:20,130
- NO. NO. I MEAN, IF I WAS--
- POSSIBLY A SUPERHERO.
498
00:21:20,167 --> 00:21:23,667
- IF I WAS DRUNK, I PROBABLY
WOULD'VE FOUGHT BACK, YOU KNOW?
499
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,230
- SO HOW LONG WERE YOU
ACTUALLY IN JAIL FOR?
500
00:21:25,267 --> 00:21:28,567
- MAYBE 14 HOURS, 16 HOURS,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
501
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,930
- WHERE DID YOU WALK
FROM THE JAIL?
502
00:21:30,967 --> 00:21:33,197
- WHEN I ACTUALLY
WAS RELEASED FROM JAIL,
503
00:21:33,233 --> 00:21:35,073
I SAW ONE OF MY FRIENDS
THAT I WAS WITH,
504
00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:38,230
AND THE FIRST THING THAT
I ASKED HIM WAS "WHAT HAPPENED?"
505
00:21:38,267 --> 00:21:39,427
AND HE WAS LIKE,
506
00:21:39,467 --> 00:21:42,127
"DUDE, I THOUGHT
YOU COULD TELL US, MAN."
36717
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