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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:21,670 - JESUS CHRIST. YOU'RE GOING ROUND TWO? 2 00:00:21,700 --> 00:00:23,100 WHAT THE-- - AH! 3 00:00:23,133 --> 00:00:24,933 audience: OH! 4 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,530 - THAT FAN IS NOT GOING TO CLEAN ITSELF. 5 00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:42,167 WELCOME TO TOSH.0. MY BIRTHDAY WAS THIS WEEKEND. 6 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,370 AND I DON'T WANT TO TOOT MY OWN HORN 7 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:47,470 BUT I THINK I LOOK PRETTY GREAT FOR 22. 8 00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:49,700 TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, THE NAKED WIZARD GETS REDEEMED, 9 00:00:49,733 --> 00:00:52,703 I INTRODUCE YOU TO BOB MY PLEASURE COACH, 10 00:00:52,733 --> 00:00:54,173 AND I LET YOU DECIDE WHAT WILL BE 11 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,530 IN MY DRESSING ROOM WHEN I GO ON TOUR. 12 00:00:56,567 --> 00:00:58,997 NOW LET'S WATCH THAT CHICK GET THROWN INTO A FAN AGAIN. 13 00:00:59,033 --> 00:01:01,503 DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. 14 00:01:01,533 --> 00:01:03,533 I'M KIDDING. I DON'T CARE. 15 00:01:03,567 --> 00:01:04,827 AT LEAST SET IT TO LOW. 16 00:01:04,867 --> 00:01:07,297 - DUDE, WHAT THE-- audience: OH! 17 00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:11,073 - NOT AS SUBTLE AS ROHYPNOL, BUT EQUALLY AS EFFECTIVE. 18 00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:14,697 NOW TRY IT WITH THE LAWNMOWER. 19 00:01:14,733 --> 00:01:17,573 THEY KNOW THERE IS A SWITCH ON THE WALL, RIGHT? 20 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:18,900 THAT'S WHAT SHE GETS 21 00:01:18,933 --> 00:01:21,433 FOR NOT BRINGING HER HOT FRIEND TO THE PARTY. 22 00:01:21,467 --> 00:01:25,167 AND NOW YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE AN ACTUAL BEAR HUG. 23 00:01:30,067 --> 00:01:31,627 AW. 24 00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:34,267 ARE THEY WRESTLING FOR THE TITLE OF MOST ADORABLE? 25 00:01:34,300 --> 00:01:37,400 BECAUSE I THINK IT'S A TIE. 26 00:01:37,433 --> 00:01:41,073 THIS HAS GOT TO BE OVER PORRIDGE. 27 00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:43,530 THEY SAID THERE WAS NO WAY THAT BEAR WOULD REMEMBER HIM, 28 00:01:43,567 --> 00:01:47,427 BUT 20 YEARS LATER THEY HAD THE MOST HEARTWARMING REUNION. 29 00:01:55,067 --> 00:01:56,697 - OKAY! 30 00:01:56,733 --> 00:01:59,073 - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA [bleep]. 31 00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:04,267 THAT BEAR HAS GOTTEN A LOT BETTER AT WRESTLING. 32 00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:06,530 - WHEN IS IT OKAY TO LAUGH AT THE DISABLED? 33 00:02:08,833 --> 00:02:11,073 - THANK YOU. 34 00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,130 - NOW, NOW, NOW. 35 00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,727 OH. 36 00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:19,267 COME ON, IF TRAIN "A" LEAVES 37 00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:22,130 WAL-MART GOING ONE MILE AN HOUR-- 38 00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:25,497 GOOD THING SHE SPRUNG FOR THE TOW PACKAGE ON THAT RASCAL. 39 00:02:25,533 --> 00:02:29,503 I SEE MOM IS WEARING HER GOING-OUT TARP. 40 00:02:29,533 --> 00:02:31,273 SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING. 41 00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:32,500 I DON'T FIND THESE JOKES FUNNY. 42 00:02:32,533 --> 00:02:34,073 WHENEVER I SEE SOMEONE IN A WHEELCHAIR 43 00:02:34,067 --> 00:02:35,567 I ALWAYS OFFER THEM A RIDE. 44 00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:54,727 98% OF THEM MADE IT TO THEIR DESTINATION SAFELY. 45 00:02:54,767 --> 00:02:58,927 AND IN FAIRNESS THE GIRL WAS HALF DEAD ALREADY. 46 00:02:58,967 --> 00:03:00,767 [laughing] 47 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,800 THIS NEXT GUY'S SCOUTING REPORT READS, "LIKES TO KICK." 48 00:03:06,533 --> 00:03:09,403 THAT ASIAN GUY IS REALLY GOOD AT KICKING. 49 00:03:09,433 --> 00:03:10,633 SHOCKING. 50 00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:15,067 SOMEBODY IS PRESSING "A" REALLY FAST SOMEWHERE. 51 00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:17,797 AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THIS YEAR'S PATRONIZING 52 00:03:17,833 --> 00:03:19,333 SLAM DUNK CONTEST. 53 00:03:26,167 --> 00:03:28,597 LOWERING THE BAR ISN'T HELPING LADIES. 54 00:03:28,633 --> 00:03:30,073 YOU'RE ONLY CHEATING YOURSELVES. 55 00:03:30,067 --> 00:03:31,667 NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE SHOT CLOCK 56 00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:34,330 AND TEACH YOU A LESSON YOU WON'T SOON FORGET. 57 00:03:34,367 --> 00:03:36,667 I CAN TELL YOU ONE THING A FATHER NEVER YELLED THAT NIGHT. 58 00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:38,970 "THAT'S MY DAUGHTER." 59 00:03:39,067 --> 00:03:41,797 THE ONES WHO DON'T GET HURT MAKE THE TEAM. 60 00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:45,173 THIS DUNK IS CALLED I'M TOO UGLY TO BE A CHEERLEADER. 61 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:48,730 THE KIDS IN THE STANDS MUST BE ON DETENTION. 62 00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:52,367 THE GIRL WHO WON CRAWLED UNDER A KIA. 63 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:56,230 JUST HOLD A BOUNCE PASS CONTEST AND LET'S MOVE ON. 64 00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:57,467 WHAT'S NEXT? 65 00:04:02,433 --> 00:04:04,073 audience: OH! 66 00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:07,600 - WE MISS YOU, MACHO MAN. 67 00:04:07,633 --> 00:04:09,073 LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK 68 00:04:09,067 --> 00:04:10,527 AT WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS USE THE CROSSWALK 69 00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:11,897 IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN. 70 00:04:11,933 --> 00:04:14,733 [cheers and applause] 71 00:04:14,767 --> 00:04:17,427 WELCOME TO THE RUSSIAN DRUNK DRIVING GRAND PRIX 72 00:04:17,467 --> 00:04:19,927 BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMIRNOFF. 73 00:04:19,967 --> 00:04:21,497 IS THIS ON THE VERSUS NETWORK 74 00:04:21,533 --> 00:04:23,333 HOME TO EVERY SPORT NO ONE CARES ABOUT? 75 00:04:23,367 --> 00:04:24,667 THIS CAMERAMAN WANTS YOU 76 00:04:24,700 --> 00:04:27,370 TO ENJOY THE 3-D EXPERIENCE SO HE STANDS DIRECTLY 77 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,530 IN THE PATH OF ONCOMING TRAFFIC. 78 00:04:31,167 --> 00:04:35,067 [bleep] YOU, PAPARAZZI. THIS ONE'S FOR PRINCESS DIANA. 79 00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,570 NASCAR WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER 80 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,370 IF FANS COULD STAND ON THE TRACK LIKE THIS. 81 00:04:41,667 --> 00:04:43,327 audience: OH! 82 00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:46,727 - THAT DECEPTICON IS HUNGRY. 83 00:04:46,767 --> 00:04:48,227 NOT SURE HOW THIS RACE WORKS. 84 00:04:48,267 --> 00:04:51,327 DOES THE DRIVER GET POINTS FOR EACH PERSON HE MURDERS? 85 00:04:51,367 --> 00:04:52,667 IN HIS DEFENSE, 86 00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:56,630 UNDER THE TRUCK IS A BIG BLIND SPOT. 87 00:04:56,667 --> 00:04:59,167 HOLD THE PHONE. THAT DUDE IS STILL ALIVE... 88 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:03,270 AND HIS JACKET TURNED INSIDE OUT. 89 00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:04,530 HEY, IF YOU DIDN'T GET A PLATE NUMBER 90 00:05:04,567 --> 00:05:06,827 I'M SURE IT'S IMPRINTED ON YOUR BACK. 91 00:05:06,867 --> 00:05:08,627 WE'RE JUST GLAD ONE CAMERAMAN WAS SMART ENOUGH 92 00:05:08,667 --> 00:05:11,567 TO STAY OFF THE COURSE AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU. 93 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,630 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE NAKED WIZARD, 94 00:05:13,667 --> 00:05:17,427 BUT FIRST HERE'S THE HIGH-CLASS NUT SHOT OF THE WEEK. 95 00:05:20,133 --> 00:05:21,333 audience: OH! 96 00:05:21,367 --> 00:05:22,497 - GOD DAMMIT! 97 00:05:22,533 --> 00:05:24,933 OW, [bleep]. 98 00:05:29,933 --> 00:05:32,803 [commotion] 99 00:05:35,667 --> 00:05:38,327 - IT DOESN'T MATTER. 100 00:05:57,900 --> 00:06:01,300 - HIS PENIS IS EVEN SMALLER THAN LADY GAGA'S. 101 00:06:01,333 --> 00:06:03,303 THAT'S JONATHAN FELCH, THE NAKED WIZARD, 102 00:06:03,333 --> 00:06:05,803 AND HE WAS JUST TRYING TO ENJOY THE COCHELLA MUSIC FESTIVAL, 103 00:06:05,833 --> 00:06:08,633 A THREE-DAY CELEBRATION OF OVERRATED BANDS. 104 00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:10,067 REGULAR CONCERTS AREN'T BAD ENOUGH? 105 00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:12,230 DO WE REALLY NEED TO ADD CAMPING TO THE MIX? 106 00:06:12,267 --> 00:06:14,467 MUSIC FESTIVALS ARE LIKE THIRD WORLD COUNTIES. 107 00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:16,170 TENT CITIES WITH NO RUNNING WATER, 108 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:19,130 FLOPPY-TITTED TOPLESS CHICKS, AND TONS OF AIDS. 109 00:06:19,167 --> 00:06:21,697 IS THIS BONNAROO OR SOMALIA? 110 00:06:21,733 --> 00:06:23,303 YOU KNOW WHO NEVER GOES TO FESTIVALS? 111 00:06:23,333 --> 00:06:25,803 BANDS WHO SELL A LOT OF TICKETS. 112 00:06:25,833 --> 00:06:27,573 I'M GLAD THERE'S EIGHT STAGES TO CHOOSE FROM. 113 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,530 THAT SHOULD SOUND FANTASTIC. 114 00:06:29,567 --> 00:06:31,427 WHEN I LISTEN TO MUSIC AT HOME I LIKE TO HAVE FIVE SONGS 115 00:06:31,467 --> 00:06:34,367 GOING AT ONCE FROM DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE HOUSE. 116 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:36,630 AND SURE, STANDING OUTSIDE AND ROLLING ON "E" 117 00:06:36,667 --> 00:06:39,467 WITH A BUNCH OF SMELLY HIPSTERS SOUNDS LIKE A BLAST, 118 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,200 BUT NOTHING MAKES A SUNBURN STING MORE THAN 119 00:06:41,233 --> 00:06:46,073 WHEN BAND OF HORSES IS PLAYING THE SOUNDTRACK TO YOUR RAPE. 120 00:06:46,067 --> 00:06:48,227 THE WORST THING ABOUT MUSIC FESTIVALS 121 00:06:48,267 --> 00:06:52,167 IS THEY'RE FULL OF THE ONE THING I TRY TO AVOID--YOU. 122 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,230 I'D MUCH RATHER DRAW A BATH, 123 00:06:53,267 --> 00:06:55,197 PUT ON MY BANG AND OLUFSEN STEREO, 124 00:06:55,233 --> 00:06:58,103 AND LISTEN TO MUSIC LIKE A GENTLEMAN. 125 00:06:58,133 --> 00:07:00,533 I'M FURIOUS IF I'M FURTHER BACK THAN ROW "F". 126 00:07:00,567 --> 00:07:02,527 SO I'LL PASS ON STANDING TWO ACRES AWAY 127 00:07:02,567 --> 00:07:05,097 IN THE 100 DEGREE HEAT JUST TO KEEP BRANDON FLOWERS 128 00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:07,473 FROM EYE-[bleep]ING MY GIRLFRIEND. 129 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:08,970 I BLAME WOODSTOCK. 130 00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:10,527 EVERYONE ACTS LIKE IT WAS SO GREAT. 131 00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:12,927 BUT I SAW HALF OF THAT AWFUL DEMETRI MARTIN MOVIE, 132 00:07:12,967 --> 00:07:14,827 AND I BEG TO DIFFER. 133 00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:16,167 PEACE AND LOVE. 134 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:17,500 MORE LIKE THREE DAYS OF LISTENING 135 00:07:17,533 --> 00:07:20,103 TO A BUNCH OF HAIRY DRAFT DODGERS WINE ABOUT STUFF. 136 00:07:20,133 --> 00:07:21,873 THE ONLY REASON WOODSTOCK WAS NECESSARY 137 00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,930 IS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE iTUNES. 138 00:07:23,967 --> 00:07:27,127 STILL HARDLY SEEMS FAIR THE POLICE TASED THE NAKED WIZARD 139 00:07:27,167 --> 00:07:28,697 JUST BECAUSE HE TRIED TO ROCK OUT 140 00:07:28,733 --> 00:07:30,773 WITH HIS TINY [bleep] OUT. 141 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,800 THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM HERE TO PLAY A GAME OF JUST THE TIP-- 142 00:07:33,833 --> 00:07:35,833 OR AS HE CALLS IT, FULL INSERTION-- 143 00:07:35,867 --> 00:07:37,427 IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION. 144 00:07:43,867 --> 00:07:45,727 - JONATHAN. - WHAT'S UP, MAN? 145 00:07:45,767 --> 00:07:47,467 - HOW ARE YOU. - GOOD, HOW YOU DOING? 146 00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:50,070 - FIRST THINGS FIRST. I GOTTA SEE THAT PENIS. 147 00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:51,470 - WHAT? NO. 148 00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:52,670 - COME ON. I'LL SHOW YOU MINE. 149 00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:54,330 - [sigh] ALL RIGHT. 150 00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:55,597 - LET'S GO IN HERE. 151 00:07:55,633 --> 00:07:58,503 - NAKED WIZARD! YOU ROCK MAN. 152 00:07:58,533 --> 00:08:00,603 - THANKS, BRO. - WHAT ABOUT ME? 153 00:08:00,633 --> 00:08:02,503 - TOSH.0 SUCKS. 154 00:08:02,533 --> 00:08:03,633 - NOT COOL. NOT COOL. 155 00:08:03,667 --> 00:08:04,727 - THANKS, MAN. 156 00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:08,797 - COME ON IN. 157 00:08:08,833 --> 00:08:10,733 - TORNADO! 158 00:08:10,767 --> 00:08:13,297 - I THINK IT'D BE EASIER IF WE BOTH GOT COMPLETELY NAKED. 159 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,830 OH, I DON'T THINK WE'RE IN COCHELLA ANYMORE. 160 00:08:23,867 --> 00:08:26,427 - OH, MAN, I THINK WE LANDED ON DOROTHY. 161 00:08:26,467 --> 00:08:29,497 - MIGHT AS WELL STEAL HER RUBY RED CHUCKS AND HER DOG. 162 00:08:29,533 --> 00:08:31,833 YOU SO CUTE. - GO FOR IT MAN. 163 00:08:31,867 --> 00:08:33,797 - NOW THAT WE'RE IN COLOR I MIGHT AS WELL INTERVIEW YOU. 164 00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:36,103 - JON, WHERE WERE YOU FOR THAT VIDEO? 165 00:08:36,133 --> 00:08:38,303 - ME AND FOUR OF MY OTHER FRIENDS 166 00:08:38,333 --> 00:08:39,973 DRIVE OUT TO THE FESTIVAL 167 00:08:40,067 --> 00:08:42,627 AND WE WERE GONNA GO SEE PAUL MCCARTNEY. 168 00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:45,727 THE FIRST THING THAT WE WANT TO DO IS GET, YOU KNOW, 169 00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:47,227 THE PARTY FAVORS. 170 00:08:47,267 --> 00:08:48,867 - DRUGS. - YEAH, EXACTLY. 171 00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:51,530 I TOOK THIS STUFF AND IT WAS ON A Q-TIP. 172 00:08:51,567 --> 00:08:56,167 ABOUT TEN MINUTES LATER, I'M STARTING TO TRIP OUT, MAN. 173 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,500 I MEAN, THIS IS LIKE-- - [laughing] 174 00:08:59,533 --> 00:09:01,233 - THIS IS LIKE MORE TRIPPING THAN IT SHOULD BE. 175 00:09:01,267 --> 00:09:03,667 I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT EXACTLY 176 00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:06,370 MADE ME WANT TO TAKE ALL OF MY CLOTHES OFF. 177 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,930 I FIGURE IT'S A MUSIC FESTIVAL, 178 00:09:08,967 --> 00:09:10,627 NOT MUCH OF A PROBLEM, RIGHT? 179 00:09:10,667 --> 00:09:13,497 I BASICALLY CAME TO IN JAIL. 180 00:09:13,533 --> 00:09:15,073 - THAT'S GOTTA BE WEIRD TO COME TO IN JAIL. 181 00:09:15,067 --> 00:09:16,327 - IT WAS WEIRD, MAN. 182 00:09:16,367 --> 00:09:18,067 - THAT'S LIKE THE LIVING HANGOVER. 183 00:09:18,067 --> 00:09:22,127 - I THOUGHT FOR A WHILE THAT I HAD PUT MYSELF 184 00:09:22,167 --> 00:09:24,367 IN JAIL IN MY OWN HEAD. 185 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:25,730 AND THAT WAS KIND OF SCARY. 186 00:09:25,767 --> 00:09:29,397 - YOU'RE THE DUDE. - KIND OF. YEAH, YEAH. 187 00:09:29,433 --> 00:09:33,633 COME A WEEK LATER, MY FRIEND CALLS ME UP AND HE'S LIKE, 188 00:09:33,667 --> 00:09:35,497 "DUDE, YOU GOT TO GET ON YOUR COMPUTER. 189 00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:37,173 YOU'RE ALL OVER YOUTUBE, MAN." 190 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,370 - DID IT MAKE YOU SICK THE FIRST TIME YOU WATCHED IT? 191 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:40,930 - IT WAS PRETTY HARD TO WATCH. 192 00:09:40,967 --> 00:09:42,367 PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS. 193 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:47,470 THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ME, POLICE BRUTALITY, NUDITY, 194 00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:49,330 AND TASERS, AND-- - AND YOUR PENIS. 195 00:09:49,367 --> 00:09:50,527 - AND MY PENIS. 196 00:09:50,567 --> 00:09:51,927 - HAVE YOU BEEN BACK TO PRISON SINCE THEN? 197 00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:55,727 - ACTUALLY YEAH. 198 00:09:55,767 --> 00:09:57,427 NOT PRISON BUT COUNTY JAIL. 199 00:09:57,467 --> 00:09:58,927 - DID YOU TRY TO SUE THEM AT ALL? 200 00:09:58,967 --> 00:10:00,997 - I'M NOT REALLY OUT TO MAKE A BUNCH OF MONEY 201 00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:02,403 OFF THE POLICE DEPARTMENT? 202 00:10:02,433 --> 00:10:03,703 - JUST THE SATISFACTION 203 00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:06,273 OF TELLING THEM, "HEY, KNOCK IT OFF, YOU MANIACS. 204 00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:09,270 UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION THAT YOU'RE IN AND CALM DOWN." 205 00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:13,900 - AND THEY TASED ME IN THE NECK, THEY TASED ME NEAR THE HEART. 206 00:10:13,933 --> 00:10:16,073 AND THOSE ARE THINGS THAT ARE AGAINST THE LAW 207 00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:17,230 FOR THEM TO DO. - REPEATEDLY. 208 00:10:17,267 --> 00:10:18,427 - TASERS CAN KILL PEOPLE. 209 00:10:18,467 --> 00:10:21,267 - IT IS IRONIC, THOUGH, BECAUSE MOST VICTIMS OF 210 00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:24,370 POLICE BRUTALITY ARE USUALLY BLACK GUYS WITH HUGE [bleep]. 211 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:25,870 - RIGHT. I KNOW, WEIRD. 212 00:10:25,900 --> 00:10:28,000 WHAT IF THE PERSON THAT WAS NAKED, 213 00:10:28,033 --> 00:10:30,073 RUNNING AROUND COCHELLA WAS A WOMAN? 214 00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:32,800 - AT ONE POINT I THOUGHT THAT WAS A CLITORIS. 215 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:33,933 - OH, GOD, THANKS. 216 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,027 DRUGS CAN KIND OF MAKE YOU SHRIVEL UP. 217 00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:37,667 - HAVE YOU DONE LSD SINCE THEN? 218 00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:39,000 - YEAH, YEAH, I HAVE. 219 00:10:39,033 --> 00:10:40,173 - WELL, YOU GOTTA GET BACK UP ON THE HORSE. 220 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,170 - YEAH. 221 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,470 - KIDS, LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU. 222 00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:46,300 IF YOU HAVE A BAD TRIP, TRY IT AGAIN. 223 00:10:46,333 --> 00:10:48,133 WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? 224 00:10:48,167 --> 00:10:49,367 - I'M A FIRE DANCER. 225 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:50,800 - ALL RIGHT, LET'S STOP RIGHT THERE. 226 00:10:50,833 --> 00:10:53,733 BECAUSE YOU SAID FIRE DANCER AND ACTED LIKE THAT WAS NORMAL. 227 00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:57,027 - YEAH. - WHAT IS A FIRE DANCER? 228 00:10:57,067 --> 00:11:01,097 - WELL, I DO JUGGLING, AND I DO POI, AND I DO BATONS, 229 00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:02,473 AND STAFFS. 230 00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:05,830 I'VE BEEN KIND OF A CIRCUS FREAK FOR A LONG TIME NOW. 231 00:11:05,867 --> 00:11:07,567 HOW MANY PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET SAW YOUR PENIS? 232 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,930 - IT WAS PRETTY SOON AFTER THE VIDEO WAS POSTED 233 00:11:10,967 --> 00:11:13,697 THAT THEY STARTED PUTTING THE BLACK DOT OVER IT. 234 00:11:13,733 --> 00:11:16,333 - AND IT'S KIND OF APPROPRIATE THEY USED A DOT. 235 00:11:16,367 --> 00:11:18,067 - DEFINITELY HURTS MY GAME, YOU KNOW? 236 00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:19,670 - DID IT COMPLETELY KILL YOUR GAME? 237 00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:21,930 - IT'S NOT LIKE MY GAME WAS ALL THAT GOOD IN T FIRST PLACE. 238 00:11:21,967 --> 00:11:26,167 BUT I MEAN, I'M USUALLY THE LIFE OF THE PARTY. 239 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,670 I MEAN, I DANCE WITH FIRE. THAT'S KINDA COOL. 240 00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:31,070 - HAS A WOMAN EVER SAID, 241 00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:32,267 "YOU'RE THE BIGGEST MAN I HAVE BEEN WITH"? 242 00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:34,200 - NO, DEFINITELY NOT. 243 00:11:34,233 --> 00:11:36,473 - HOW BIG IS YOUR PENIS WHEN IT'S AROUSED? 244 00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:38,270 - UM, MAYBE LIKE FIVE INCHES. 245 00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,200 - OH, THAT IS QUITE THE TRANSFORMATION. 246 00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:43,573 - YEAH, LIKE I SAID, I'M A GROWER NOT A SHOWER. 247 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:47,300 - IS IT THICK? - YEAH. 248 00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:49,333 - HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED HAVING SEX WITH A LITTLE PERSON? 249 00:11:49,367 --> 00:11:50,627 - NO. 250 00:11:50,667 --> 00:11:53,427 - MY THEORY IS THAT IT WOULD LOOK A LOT BIGGER. 251 00:11:53,467 --> 00:11:55,067 - THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA, ACTUALLY. 252 00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:57,430 - LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET YOUR OPPORTUNITY. 253 00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,167 CAN YOU GUYS HELP US? 254 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,530 - THE WIZARD OF OZ CAN HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING YOU NEED. 255 00:12:01,567 --> 00:12:02,897 - HE NEEDS A BIGGER PENIS, 256 00:12:02,933 --> 00:12:04,133 AND HE'D LIKE TO SEE PAUL McCARTNEY. 257 00:12:04,167 --> 00:12:05,367 I JUST WANT TO GET HOME. 258 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,070 - THEN FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD. 259 00:12:07,100 --> 00:12:09,630 IT'S A LONG JOURNEY, PAST A DARK GLADE, 260 00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:12,927 PATROLLED BY THE WITCH'S WINGED MONKEY SOLDIERS. 261 00:12:12,967 --> 00:12:15,297 - FORGET THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD AND THOSE FLYING AIDS MONKEYS. 262 00:12:15,333 --> 00:12:16,633 GOOGLE MAPS SAYS IT'S FOUR BLOCKS THIS WAY. 263 00:12:16,667 --> 00:12:20,527 LET'S GO, COME ON. 264 00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:23,197 - I KNOW YOU, YOU'RE THAT PUSSY LION. 265 00:12:23,233 --> 00:12:25,273 - NO, I AM AZLAN. 266 00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:27,430 I'M HERE TO CONVINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ 267 00:12:27,467 --> 00:12:29,767 TO ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST INTO HIS HEART. 268 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:30,930 - GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. 269 00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:32,127 - I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S THERE. 270 00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:35,167 I'VE BEEN WAITING QUITE AWHILE. 271 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:36,430 - HUH. 272 00:12:40,167 --> 00:12:41,897 - BEAT IT, JESUS FREAK. 273 00:12:41,933 --> 00:12:45,733 - I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ. 274 00:12:45,767 --> 00:12:48,967 KOO-KOO-KACHOO. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? 275 00:12:49,067 --> 00:12:52,627 - WHOA! PAUL MCCARTNEY, YOU'RE THE WIZARD? 276 00:12:52,667 --> 00:12:53,867 - THAT'S RIGHT, LOVE. 277 00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:55,970 SORRY YOU DIDN'T GET TO SEE ME AT COACHELLA. 278 00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:57,227 [dog barks] 279 00:12:57,267 --> 00:12:59,897 - WHAT IS IT, BOY? IS SOMETHING BACK HERE? 280 00:13:01,433 --> 00:13:03,933 both: JAMES VAN DER BEEK! 281 00:13:03,967 --> 00:13:05,327 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 282 00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:07,067 - THE BEEK IS AN ENIGMA, MAN. 283 00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:09,070 YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE I'LL POP UP. 284 00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:11,070 SO... 285 00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:12,500 WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? 286 00:13:12,533 --> 00:13:14,073 - GOD DAMMIT, YOU ARE GOOD LOOKING. 287 00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:16,327 UH, MR. BEEK, I JUST WANNA GO HOME. 288 00:13:16,367 --> 00:13:18,367 HE'D LIKE A BIGGER PENIS. 289 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,070 AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, THROW A FEW INCHES MY WAY. 290 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,367 - HE DOESN'T NEED A BIGGER PENIS. 291 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:25,130 HE'S HAD A BIG PENIS INSIDE HIM THIS WHOLE TIME. 292 00:13:25,167 --> 00:13:26,467 - OH! 293 00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:28,300 [audience oohs] 294 00:13:28,333 --> 00:13:29,803 - I DON'T WANT YOUR LIFE. 295 00:13:29,833 --> 00:13:31,803 - GET US OUT OF HERE, DANIEL, HUH? 296 00:13:31,833 --> 00:13:33,533 - THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME, 297 00:13:33,567 --> 00:13:35,197 THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME, 298 00:13:35,233 --> 00:13:36,533 THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME. 299 00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:38,967 [dance music playing] 300 00:13:39,067 --> 00:13:42,427 OH. IT WAS ALL A WET DREAM. 301 00:13:43,533 --> 00:13:44,533 - YEP. 302 00:13:44,567 --> 00:13:46,497 - WAS JAMES VAN DER BEEK IN YOURS? 303 00:13:46,533 --> 00:13:47,733 - ALWAYS. 304 00:13:47,767 --> 00:13:49,727 - ME TOO. 305 00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:51,467 - YEAH. 306 00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:53,800 - THE BEEK. I LOVE THE BEEK. 307 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,803 [applause] 308 00:13:55,833 --> 00:13:59,533 HOW MANY OF YOU KNEW THE BEEK WAS GONNA BE THE WIZARD? 309 00:13:59,567 --> 00:14:02,097 THAT IS CLASSIC BEEK! 310 00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:04,073 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. BUT FIRST, DID I WIN? 311 00:14:04,067 --> 00:14:05,497 [cheering] 312 00:14:05,533 --> 00:14:06,873 - OH! 313 00:14:10,467 --> 00:14:12,097 - DID I WIN? 314 00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:14,273 [laughter, applause] 315 00:14:17,633 --> 00:14:19,073 - HEY. SOME OF MY GUYS HAVE ASKED 316 00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:21,167 IF I WOULD TALK A LITTLE BIT ABOUT MY SENSITIVE NIPS SESSION. 317 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,600 FOR SOME OF THEM, 318 00:14:22,633 --> 00:14:25,873 IT CAN BE REALLY ALMOST HOT WIRED TO THEIR GENITALS. 319 00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:29,470 [laughter, audience oohs] 320 00:14:35,433 --> 00:14:36,733 - THIS IS BOB. 321 00:14:36,767 --> 00:14:38,067 [laughter] 322 00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:39,297 HE'S A PLEASURE COACH. 323 00:14:39,333 --> 00:14:41,303 CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HAPPY I WAS WHEN I FOUND OUT 324 00:14:41,333 --> 00:14:42,973 HE LIVES RIGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM ME 325 00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:45,127 IN WEST HOLLYWOOD? 326 00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:47,567 EVERYBODY GET YOUR SHIRTS OFF. 327 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:49,730 TO REWARD YOU FOR ALL YOUR HARD WORK, 328 00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:52,167 I BROUGHT IN MY PLEASURE COACH TO GIVE YOU EACH 329 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,630 AN INDIVIDUAL SENSITIVE NIP SESSION. 330 00:14:54,667 --> 00:14:56,297 [applause] - WHOO! 331 00:14:56,333 --> 00:14:57,703 - HEY, EVERYBODY. - HEY! 332 00:14:57,733 --> 00:14:59,373 - BOB'S HERE. - HEY! 333 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:00,670 HOW ARE YOU DOING? 334 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,070 - ALL RIGHT. 335 00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:05,367 - INTERTWINE YOUR FINGERS. AROUND MY HEAD. 336 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:09,330 [laughter] 337 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:11,227 - [laughing] LOOK AT THAT... 338 00:15:11,267 --> 00:15:13,727 [speaks indistinctly] 339 00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:15,727 OH, GOD. 340 00:15:15,767 --> 00:15:18,727 [laughter] 341 00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:19,927 NOW, HE'S PRETTY HAIRY. 342 00:15:19,967 --> 00:15:21,597 IS THERE AN ADVANTAGE TO BEING HAIRY, THOUGH? 343 00:15:21,633 --> 00:15:23,933 - WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE THERE 344 00:15:23,967 --> 00:15:25,097 TO GRAB A HOLD OF. 345 00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,233 - OH... - YEAH. 346 00:15:26,267 --> 00:15:28,397 - I'M STARTING SEE THE ADVANTAGES. 347 00:15:28,433 --> 00:15:30,073 - [laughing] WELL... 348 00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:31,730 MY GOAL IS TO TEACH PEOPLE 349 00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:34,327 TO BE MORE AWARE OF THEIR EROGENOUS ZONES. 350 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,267 OOH, HE'S A HANDFUL. 351 00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:37,500 - NOW, HE'S A SOLID B CUP. 352 00:15:37,533 --> 00:15:39,733 [laughter] 353 00:15:39,767 --> 00:15:42,727 - SOMETIMES AN EXTRA LITTLE PINCH 354 00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:44,227 IS APPRECIATED. 355 00:15:44,267 --> 00:15:45,767 - SOMETIMES... 356 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,600 - EVEN AN ADDITIONAL PINCH IS APPRECIATED. 357 00:15:47,633 --> 00:15:49,433 - OH! THERE WE GO. I LIKE THIS. 358 00:15:49,467 --> 00:15:50,597 I THINK I APPROVE OF THIS. 359 00:15:50,633 --> 00:15:52,073 - YEAH. IT SLIPPED. 360 00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:53,570 [laughter] 361 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,230 [audience oohs] 362 00:15:55,267 --> 00:15:56,327 - OH... 363 00:15:56,367 --> 00:15:59,667 - NICE GRADUAL, GENTLE SUCTION 364 00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:01,570 THAT SOMETIMES CAN MAKE THOSE LITTLE PUPPIES 365 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,070 PERK UP A LITTLE BIT 366 00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:05,900 LIKE THOSE. 367 00:16:05,933 --> 00:16:08,873 - [chuckles] 368 00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:10,370 - OH, THIS LOOKS NICE. 369 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:11,870 - SO... - OH! 370 00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:13,900 [laughter] 371 00:16:15,733 --> 00:16:16,873 OH! 372 00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:20,900 [laughter] 373 00:16:20,933 --> 00:16:22,703 NO, DON'T DO THAT! 374 00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:24,703 - THAT ONE NEEDS MORE-- - RED HURTS! 375 00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:25,933 IT REALLY HURTS. 376 00:16:25,967 --> 00:16:27,427 - IT'S A DIFFERENT DIAMETER. - OH, OKAY. 377 00:16:27,467 --> 00:16:28,767 - READY? - YEP. 378 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,100 - LOOK AT ME. - OHH! 379 00:16:31,133 --> 00:16:33,273 - [laughs] SAY THANK YOU. 380 00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:35,770 - THANK YOU. - YOU BET! 381 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,430 - [speaks indistinctly] 382 00:16:37,467 --> 00:16:39,097 - SO WHO'S READY FOR THE ULTRA MASSAGE? 383 00:16:39,133 --> 00:16:42,803 - BOB, THAT IS ME! THAT IS ME! 384 00:16:42,833 --> 00:16:47,973 [classical violin music] 385 00:16:48,067 --> 00:16:52,167 OOH! [chuckles] 386 00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:59,727 OH, GOOD. 387 00:16:59,767 --> 00:17:02,327 - MM. 388 00:17:05,933 --> 00:17:07,573 YEAH. - THE ANAL CRANIAL. 389 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,230 - OHH, I LOVE THE ANGLE! 390 00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:13,067 [laughs] 391 00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,730 THAT IS--OH! 392 00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:18,497 OH, GOD, YES! 393 00:17:18,533 --> 00:17:20,273 I THINK I'M FINISHED. 394 00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:22,670 I KEEP THINKING EVERY BIT WE DO 395 00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:25,070 IS GONNA BE THE GAYEST THING WE'VE EVER DONE, 396 00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:28,470 BUT SOMEHOW WE ALWAYS MANAGE TO TOP OURSELVES. 397 00:17:28,500 --> 00:17:31,170 IF YOU WANNA BOOK YOUR OWN ANAL CRANIAL, 398 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:32,630 AMD TRUST ME, YOU DO, 399 00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:35,127 GO TO THIS WEBSITE AND TELL 'EM DANIEL SENT YOU. 400 00:17:35,167 --> 00:17:37,597 BY THE WAY, WE'RE STILL LOOKING FOR WHAT COLLEGE TO GO TO 401 00:17:37,633 --> 00:17:38,873 ON OUR CAMPUS INVASION. 402 00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:40,070 OUR LATEST SUBMISSION COMES TO US 403 00:17:40,067 --> 00:17:41,367 FROM MICHIGAN STATE. 404 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,070 - DANIEL TOSH, WE'RE ALL GONNA TELL YOU 405 00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:44,527 WHY US SPARTAN CHICKS 406 00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:46,967 WANT YOU TO COME TO VISIT US, OKAY? 407 00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,127 - HE'S SEXY! 408 00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:53,127 all: [speaking over each other] 409 00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:55,667 - IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY. I CAN'T BE ON THIS. 410 00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:58,500 BUT THE DANIEL FISHER SHOW... - OH! 411 00:17:58,533 --> 00:18:00,673 - ALL RIGHT, WE HAVEN'T PICKED A WINNER YET, 412 00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:02,170 BUT BASED ON THAT VIDEO, 413 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,830 MICHIGAN STATE IS OUT OF THE RUNNING. 414 00:18:04,867 --> 00:18:07,667 YOUR SCHOOL SEEMS AWFUL, AND YOUR GIRLS ARE ANNOYING. 415 00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,270 KEEP SENDING IN YOUR SUBMISSIONS. 416 00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:11,200 DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A CLIP 417 00:18:11,233 --> 00:18:12,933 FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO. 418 00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:15,667 THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US FROM CREAMCOMEDY.COM. 419 00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:17,530 - HEY. THIS IS MY MERCEDES. 420 00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:19,497 - MA'AM. - HE'S MY--WHERE'S MY HUSBAND? 421 00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:21,473 - MA'AM. MA'AM, IS THIS YOUR VEHICLE? 422 00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:24,330 - YES, IS MY SON OKAY? 423 00:18:24,367 --> 00:18:27,067 [woman speaking over police radio] 424 00:18:27,067 --> 00:18:28,327 [laughter] 425 00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:30,827 - WON'T BE NEEDING THAT ONE ANYMORE. 426 00:18:30,867 --> 00:18:32,527 - NO... 427 00:18:32,567 --> 00:18:36,067 - WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE UPRIGHT CITIZENS BRIGADE. 428 00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:38,267 [cheers, applause] 429 00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:42,433 [cheers, applause] 430 00:18:42,467 --> 00:18:44,097 - WELCOME BACK. 431 00:18:44,133 --> 00:18:45,603 DID YOU GUYS SEE THE OPRAH FINALE 432 00:18:45,633 --> 00:18:48,433 WHERE SHE REVEALED SHE'S BEEN TYLER PERRY THIS WHOLE TIME? 433 00:18:48,467 --> 00:18:49,767 [laughter] 434 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,170 NEXT WEEK THE BUG AND MOUTH REPORTER STOPS BY 435 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:53,530 FOR A WEB REDEMPTION. 436 00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,067 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED ON THAT THURSDAY 437 00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,467 HERE AT AUGUSTA HIGH SCHOOL 438 00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:57,970 THAT LEAD TO CHRIS WOODS' DEATH? 439 00:18:58,067 --> 00:19:00,127 WHAT THE [bleep] IS THAT? 440 00:19:00,167 --> 00:19:01,827 [bleep] 441 00:19:03,833 --> 00:19:05,903 I'M DYING IN THIS [bleep] COUNTRY-ASS, 442 00:19:05,933 --> 00:19:07,503 [bleep]-UP TOWN. 443 00:19:07,533 --> 00:19:10,503 - I MISS CHOCOLATE NEWS. 444 00:19:10,533 --> 00:19:11,833 BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER 445 00:19:11,867 --> 00:19:13,227 SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS. 446 00:19:13,267 --> 00:19:16,067 KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG OVER AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM. 447 00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:17,470 AND TICKETS ARE NOW ON SALE 448 00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:19,300 FOR MY NEW TOSH TOUR ON ICE. 449 00:19:19,333 --> 00:19:21,333 THAT'S IN CANADA. 450 00:19:21,367 --> 00:19:23,327 WHEN YOU GO ON TOUR, YOU HAVE A RIDER, 451 00:19:23,367 --> 00:19:25,427 WHICH IS A LIST OF STUFF YOU WANT IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM. 452 00:19:25,467 --> 00:19:27,927 KATY PERRY HAS DOZENS OF THINGS ON THERE-- 453 00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:31,427 FLOWERS, SOFT PINK WALLS, A CHEATING HUSBAND. 454 00:19:31,467 --> 00:19:33,797 THIS IS WHAT I HAVE ON MINE. 455 00:19:33,833 --> 00:19:35,573 FOUR BOTTLES OF SMART WATER. 456 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,730 WHY? BECAUSE THE PERFORMER IS THE ONE 457 00:19:37,767 --> 00:19:40,067 WHO ACTUALLY PAYS FOR WHAT'S ON THE RIDER. 458 00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:43,330 BUT I'M A PRETTY BIG DEAL NOW, OR SO I TELL MYSELF. 459 00:19:43,367 --> 00:19:44,727 [laughter] 460 00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:47,497 SO I WENT TO TWITTER TO SEE WHAT ELSE I SHOULD ASK FOR. 461 00:19:47,533 --> 00:19:51,733 SOME MOTHER[bleep] STEAK. 462 00:19:51,767 --> 00:19:54,427 A 3-D TV SO DERRICK ROSE CAN SIT IN THE CORNER 463 00:19:54,467 --> 00:19:56,597 AND FEEL LIKE HE IS IN THE NBA FINALS. 464 00:19:56,633 --> 00:19:58,103 [audience oohs] 465 00:19:58,133 --> 00:19:59,903 MARSHMALLOW PEEPS. L-O-L. 466 00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:01,297 IT'S NOT EASTER ANYMORE. 467 00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:02,973 IT'S GONNA BE REAL HARD TO FIND THOSE 468 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,800 NOW THAT IT'S NOT EASTER. 469 00:20:06,833 --> 00:20:09,973 A BOTTLE OF "YOU SUCK ASS." 470 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,270 AH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT, BUT IF THEY'RE ALL OUT OF THAT, 471 00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:14,430 MAYBE I'LL JUST TAKE A GLASS OF "YOUR MOM'S A WHORE." 472 00:20:14,467 --> 00:20:15,827 [laughter] 473 00:20:15,867 --> 00:20:20,297 BALL'S IN YOUR COURT, showARK501. 474 00:20:20,333 --> 00:20:23,303 A SIGNED COPY OF GOOSEBUMPS BY R.L. STINE. 475 00:20:23,333 --> 00:20:24,803 [laughter, applause] 476 00:20:24,833 --> 00:20:27,133 IT'S NOT AN EASY GET. 477 00:20:27,167 --> 00:20:28,797 ROBOT ARMS. 478 00:20:28,833 --> 00:20:29,973 ONLY THE ARMS, 479 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,730 BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ONLY COOL PART 480 00:20:31,767 --> 00:20:33,467 OF THE ROBOTIC SYSTEM. 481 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:34,970 JACKIE CHAN 482 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,300 AND $500 WORTH OF SOUR WORMS 483 00:20:36,333 --> 00:20:38,203 WITH THE SOUR ALREADY SUCKED OFF. 484 00:20:38,233 --> 00:20:40,403 DOES JACKIE SUCK THE SOUR? 485 00:20:40,433 --> 00:20:43,133 YES, JACKIE SUCKS THE SOUR. 486 00:20:43,167 --> 00:20:46,327 MEXICANS COOKING YOU TACOS AND OTHER HISPANIC TREATS. 487 00:20:46,367 --> 00:20:47,867 [laughter] 488 00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:50,930 A BLACK GUY TO BLAME STUFF ON. 489 00:20:50,967 --> 00:20:52,597 THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA. 490 00:20:52,633 --> 00:20:55,103 IT'S RACIST, BUT NOT A BAD IDEA. 491 00:20:55,133 --> 00:20:56,503 ALL RIGHT, I'M OUT OF COMEDY FOR THE NIGHT. 492 00:20:56,533 --> 00:20:57,833 SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. 493 00:20:57,867 --> 00:21:02,627 [cheers, applause] 494 00:21:02,667 --> 00:21:06,367 [gunshots] 495 00:21:13,933 --> 00:21:15,573 - THERE WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT THOUGHT THAT I WAS DRUNK. 496 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,070 - YEAH, I DON'T THINK YOU READ DRUNK AT ALL. 497 00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:20,130 - NO. NO. I MEAN, IF I WAS-- - POSSIBLY A SUPERHERO. 498 00:21:20,167 --> 00:21:23,667 - IF I WAS DRUNK, I PROBABLY WOULD'VE FOUGHT BACK, YOU KNOW? 499 00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,230 - SO HOW LONG WERE YOU ACTUALLY IN JAIL FOR? 500 00:21:25,267 --> 00:21:28,567 - MAYBE 14 HOURS, 16 HOURS, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 501 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,930 - WHERE DID YOU WALK FROM THE JAIL? 502 00:21:30,967 --> 00:21:33,197 - WHEN I ACTUALLY WAS RELEASED FROM JAIL, 503 00:21:33,233 --> 00:21:35,073 I SAW ONE OF MY FRIENDS THAT I WAS WITH, 504 00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:38,230 AND THE FIRST THING THAT I ASKED HIM WAS "WHAT HAPPENED?" 505 00:21:38,267 --> 00:21:39,427 AND HE WAS LIKE, 506 00:21:39,467 --> 00:21:42,127 "DUDE, I THOUGHT YOU COULD TELL US, MAN." 36717

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