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1
00:00:19,867 --> 00:00:22,397
- ALL RIGHT,
I WANT A CLEAN MATCH.
2
00:00:22,433 --> 00:00:25,573
[indistinct shouting]
3
00:00:30,733 --> 00:00:33,003
- AAH!
4
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,703
- IS IT OUT?
5
00:00:34,733 --> 00:00:36,533
[audience ohs]
- VICTORY!
6
00:00:36,567 --> 00:00:38,527
[cheers and applause]
7
00:00:38,567 --> 00:00:41,527
[laid-back hip-hop music]
8
00:00:41,567 --> 00:00:48,027
*
9
00:00:48,067 --> 00:00:51,767
- USA, USA.
10
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:55,230
RELEASE THE PHOTO, OBAMA.
11
00:00:55,267 --> 00:00:56,867
WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
12
00:00:56,900 --> 00:00:59,130
I HOPE YOUR BREAK
WAS AS LUCRATIVE AS MINE.
13
00:00:59,167 --> 00:01:01,467
AS USUAL,
EVERYONE IS DYING TO KNOW
14
00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:03,200
WHAT MY NEW WARDROBE
WILL BE.
15
00:01:03,233 --> 00:01:05,133
WELL, LET'S PUT AN END
TO ALL THE SPECULATION
16
00:01:05,167 --> 00:01:07,067
BECAUSE IT'S OFFICIALLY
THE SUMMER
17
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,797
OF EXPOSED ARMS.
18
00:01:08,833 --> 00:01:10,573
[cheers and applause]
19
00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:11,870
AH.
20
00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:13,670
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
21
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:17,370
YOU WILL BE SEEING SOME TO ALL
OF THESE BAD BOYS
22
00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,300
FOR THE REST OF THE SUMMER.
23
00:01:19,333 --> 00:01:21,503
AND, YES,
THOSE ARE TAN LINES.
24
00:01:21,533 --> 00:01:23,803
I SURF ON THE REG.
25
00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:24,903
TONIGHT ON THE GUN SHOW,
26
00:01:24,933 --> 00:01:27,203
I SHOWER YOU
WITH CHOCOLATE RAIN,
27
00:01:27,233 --> 00:01:29,273
MANNY PACQUIAO PUNCHES ME
IN THE FACE,
28
00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:30,600
AND I ANNOUNCE THE WINNER
29
00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:33,433
OF THE TOSH.0
GRANDMA DEATH POOL.
30
00:01:33,467 --> 00:01:34,697
NOW, LET'S HEAD BACK
31
00:01:34,733 --> 00:01:36,933
TO THE MOST DEADLY
FOURTH OF JULY EVER...
32
00:01:36,967 --> 00:01:38,827
MINUS THE ORIGINAL.
33
00:01:38,867 --> 00:01:40,797
- IS IT OUT?
34
00:01:40,833 --> 00:01:42,273
- OH!
35
00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:43,870
- VICTORY!
36
00:01:43,900 --> 00:01:46,930
- FLAWLESS VICTORY.
37
00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:48,797
LISTEN, I LIKED TAKING
A HOT LOAD TO THE FACE
38
00:01:48,833 --> 00:01:50,233
AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY,
39
00:01:50,267 --> 00:01:52,627
BUT THIS IS DANGEROUS.
40
00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:54,227
- OH!
41
00:01:54,267 --> 00:01:57,697
- REMINDS ME OF HOW MUCH
I HATE KATY PERRY.
42
00:01:57,733 --> 00:01:59,403
DO THEY STILL PLAY
THAT FIREWORK SONG?
43
00:01:59,433 --> 00:02:00,703
[scattered chuckles]
44
00:02:00,733 --> 00:02:02,533
THAT WOULD BE THE--
THE JOKE.
45
00:02:02,567 --> 00:02:05,297
[laughter]
46
00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:07,673
NOW, CAN SOMEONE HELP ME
MOVE THIS TABLE?
47
00:02:10,567 --> 00:02:12,367
BEHOLD THE POWER OF PLEDGE.
48
00:02:15,767 --> 00:02:18,567
THOSE ARE SOME STRONG CHOMPERS.
49
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:20,730
HE MUST BE PART BEAVER.
50
00:02:20,767 --> 00:02:23,727
FOUR OUT FIVE DENTISTS SAY
THIS IS A BAD IDEA.
51
00:02:23,767 --> 00:02:27,067
THE FIFTH IS FROM ALABAMA.
52
00:02:27,100 --> 00:02:28,500
HOW HARD CAN THAT BE?
53
00:02:28,533 --> 00:02:29,833
ALL RIGHT,
YOU READY TO CATCH IT?
54
00:02:29,867 --> 00:02:31,867
- YEAH.
55
00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:34,900
- LIFT YOUR COMPUTERS UP, GUYS.
56
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:39,970
[audience groaning]
57
00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:42,727
OH, BAD IDEA!
58
00:02:42,767 --> 00:02:45,167
THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.
59
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,930
DID ONE OF YOU BOLT
THE TABLE DOWN?
60
00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:49,727
UNBOLT IT.
61
00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:51,797
LET'S GO AGAIN.
62
00:02:51,833 --> 00:02:55,373
I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE STARTED
WITH SOMETHING FROM IKEA...
63
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:58,400
LIKE A SKOL OR A BJORG.
64
00:02:58,433 --> 00:03:00,173
CHECK OUT THIS PARTY FOUL.
65
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,170
[hip-hop music]
66
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,570
*
67
00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:10,430
- [screams]
68
00:03:10,467 --> 00:03:11,427
- THE BACHELOR PARTY
69
00:03:11,467 --> 00:03:14,067
WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY BORING,
SWEETIE.
70
00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:15,630
LET'S PUT 90 SECONDS
ON THE CLOCK.
71
00:03:15,667 --> 00:03:17,527
WHAT THE "H"?
THAT'S NOT OUR BIT.
72
00:03:17,567 --> 00:03:19,697
I MEAN 20 SECONDS
ON THE CLOCK
73
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,673
AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS
WE CAN POST.
74
00:03:21,700 --> 00:03:25,170
OH, SHE'S ACTUALLY
CLEANER NOW.
75
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,070
THIS PROVES HE'S READY
FOR MARRIAGE,
76
00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:30,770
BECAUSE ANY OTHER WOMAN
IS GROSS TO HIM.
77
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,070
OH, HE MUST HAVE CAUGHT
A WHIFF OF CROTCH.
78
00:03:33,067 --> 00:03:34,397
[audience groans]
79
00:03:34,433 --> 00:03:36,503
YOU'LL NOTICE IN YOUR CHECK
I THREW IN AN EXTRA $50
80
00:03:36,533 --> 00:03:38,573
BECAUSE I PUKED ON YOU.
81
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,130
GET BACK THERE, HONEY.
82
00:03:40,167 --> 00:03:42,227
THE SONG'S NOT OVER YET.
83
00:03:42,267 --> 00:03:44,067
ALL HER FRIENDS
AT "LAW SCHOOL"
84
00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:45,267
ARE GONNA LOVE THIS STORY.
85
00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:46,570
[electronic tone]
86
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:49,800
IS SEEING A WOMAN WRECK
ON A SNOWBOARD ENJOYABLE?
87
00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:55,697
- WHOO, [bleep].
88
00:03:55,733 --> 00:03:59,333
[audience ohs]
89
00:03:59,367 --> 00:04:01,627
- YES.
90
00:04:01,667 --> 00:04:03,067
OH, SHE SHOULD'VE BEEN SMART
91
00:04:03,067 --> 00:04:05,397
AND JUMPED
FROM THE LADIES' TEES.
92
00:04:05,433 --> 00:04:06,633
NEXT YEAR
SHE'LL BE COMPETING
93
00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:08,827
IN THE SPECIAL X-GAMES.
94
00:04:08,867 --> 00:04:10,067
DO THEY HAVE THOSE YET?
95
00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:13,070
BECAUSE THAT IS
A CAN'T-MISS IDEA, RED BULL.
96
00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:14,397
- WHOO, [bleep].
97
00:04:14,433 --> 00:04:16,403
- OH, YEAH.
98
00:04:16,433 --> 00:04:18,673
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GRIND
ON YOUR WOMANHOOD LIKE THAT.
99
00:04:18,700 --> 00:04:20,830
IT'S BAD FOR THE BABY.
100
00:04:20,867 --> 00:04:24,067
YOU KNOW WHERE
THAT NEVER HAPPENS, LADIES?
101
00:04:24,067 --> 00:04:25,327
THE KITCHEN.
102
00:04:25,367 --> 00:04:29,127
COME ON,
YOU KNOW THIS ONE.
103
00:04:29,167 --> 00:04:30,597
HERE'S WHY YOU HAVE TO WAIT
A HALF HOUR
104
00:04:30,633 --> 00:04:33,073
BEFORE GETTING IN THE WATER.
105
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:43,430
- [muffled]
OH, MY GOD!
106
00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:46,497
- I LOVE SHARK WEEK.
107
00:04:46,533 --> 00:04:48,673
PROBABLY HAD A CUBAN
FOR LUNCH.
108
00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:50,700
WE HAVEN'T SEEN ELIAN
IN A WHILE.
109
00:04:52,967 --> 00:04:56,067
COME ON, HOW ABOUT A COUPLE
COURTESY FLUSHES THERE, JAWS?
110
00:04:56,067 --> 00:04:57,067
NO NEED TO WIPE.
111
00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:59,670
THE OCEAN IS LIKE
A GIANT BIDET.
112
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,070
WHAT'S NEXT?
113
00:05:06,700 --> 00:05:08,700
[audience ohs]
114
00:05:12,067 --> 00:05:14,667
[bleep] GETS CRAZY
WHEN YOU START CHARGING
115
00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:16,870
FOR CHIPS AND SALSA.
116
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,530
LET'S FIND OUT
WHY WHITE PEOPLE
117
00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:19,797
SHOULD STICK TO CHIPOTLE
118
00:05:19,833 --> 00:05:21,933
IN THIS WEEK'S
BREAKDOWN BELL GRANDE.
119
00:05:21,967 --> 00:05:24,597
[cheers and applause]
120
00:05:24,633 --> 00:05:26,573
WELCOME TO TACOS DEL RIO,
121
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,870
LOCATED EXCLUSIVELY
IN THE GANG-RIDDEN NEIGHBORHOOD
122
00:05:28,900 --> 00:05:30,200
OF EAST L.A.
123
00:05:30,233 --> 00:05:32,103
THE ONLY PLACE MORE DANGEROUS
IS THE PARKING LOT
124
00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:34,073
AT DODGER STADIUM.
125
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:38,297
LUNCH IS ABOUT TO GO
FROM MILD TO MUY CALIENTE.
126
00:05:38,333 --> 00:05:40,873
IS THAT PRO BOWL TACKLE
JON RUNYAN?
127
00:05:40,900 --> 00:05:44,370
NEVER MESS WITH A WHITE DUDE
IN A 69 JERSEY.
128
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:48,370
I BET HIS PLAN IS TO BOTH GIVE
AND RECEIVE SOME BLOWS.
129
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,300
OH.
130
00:05:51,333 --> 00:05:54,433
HE JUST GOT RUINED
BY THE GUY IN THE COSBY SWEATER.
131
00:05:54,467 --> 00:05:57,767
[imitating Bill Cosby]
YOU SEE.
132
00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,330
[normal voice] FINALLY, SOME
REAL BEEF IN THIS TACO SHACK.
133
00:06:00,367 --> 00:06:01,797
OH, LOOK,
HIS FRIENDS STORM IN
134
00:06:01,833 --> 00:06:04,133
LIKE NAVY SEAL TEAM 6.
135
00:06:04,167 --> 00:06:06,467
TOO BAD THEY'RE WHITE,
SO THEY'RE ABOUT AS USELESS
136
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,070
AS THOSE WEIRD
PICKLED CARROTS THEY HAVE
137
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:09,770
AT MEXICAN RESTAURANTS.
138
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,770
AT LEAST HE'S USING
THE TABLE.
139
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,370
THAT'S THINKING
OUTSIDE THE BUN.
140
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,670
OH, THANK GOD,
69 IS AWAKE AND MOVING.
141
00:06:16,700 --> 00:06:18,930
LOOKS LIKE HE'S OKAY.
142
00:06:18,967 --> 00:06:20,267
[audience groans]
143
00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:21,930
OR MAYBE NOT.
144
00:06:21,967 --> 00:06:23,267
TAKE IT EASY, ESE.
145
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,930
HIS HEAD ISN'T FILLED
WITH CANDY.
146
00:06:25,967 --> 00:06:27,167
TURNS OUT
A WET BURRITO
147
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,200
REALLY SLOWS DOWN
YOUR REFLEXES.
148
00:06:30,233 --> 00:06:31,573
OH.
149
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,370
I BET HIS FATHER
WAS A BULLFIGHTER.
150
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,070
THE RACE WAR
IS FINALLY OVER,
151
00:06:35,067 --> 00:06:38,067
AND ALL THE SUSPECTS OF COLOR
WISELY FLEE THE SCENE.
152
00:06:38,067 --> 00:06:39,727
I'M JUST GLAD
TACOS DEL RIO HAS
153
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,267
THE CLEAREST
SECURITY-CAMERA FOOTAGE
154
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:43,070
I'VE EVER SEEN,
AND FOR THAT WE SAY,
155
00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:46,527
"ANDALE, ANDALE,
ARRIBA, ARRIBA!"
156
00:06:46,567 --> 00:06:48,397
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH TAY ZONDAY.
157
00:06:48,433 --> 00:06:50,703
BUT FIRST,
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.
158
00:06:50,733 --> 00:06:52,073
EVERYBODY SAY WAY-HO.
159
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:55,070
all:
WAY-HO.
160
00:06:55,067 --> 00:06:58,927
[mouse clicks]
161
00:06:58,967 --> 00:07:01,067
[singing with Norwegian accent]
- * BOOM, BOOM, BOOM
162
00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:03,427
* NOW LET ME HEAR YOU
SAY WAY-HO *
163
00:07:03,467 --> 00:07:04,727
* I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM
164
00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:06,897
* EVERYBODY SAY WAY-HO
165
00:07:06,933 --> 00:07:08,103
* I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM
166
00:07:08,133 --> 00:07:09,933
* NOW LET ME HEAR YOU
SAY WAY-HO *
167
00:07:09,967 --> 00:07:12,127
* I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM,
EVERYBODY SAY WAY-HO *
168
00:07:12,167 --> 00:07:14,167
[electronic beat begins]
- * WAY-HO
169
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,530
- * BOOM, BOOM, BOOM,
LET ME HEAR YOU SAY WAY-HO *
170
00:07:16,567 --> 00:07:18,067
- * WAY-HO
171
00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:20,167
- * I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM,
NOW EVERYBODY SAY WAY-HO *
172
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:21,670
- * WAY-HO
173
00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:24,070
- * I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM,
LET ME HEAR YOU SAY WAY-HO *
174
00:07:24,067 --> 00:07:27,397
- * WAY-HO
175
00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:32,827
[dramatic keyboard music]
176
00:07:32,867 --> 00:07:39,067
*
177
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:41,467
- * CHOCOLATE RAIN
178
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:44,530
* SOME STAY DRY,
AND OTHERS FEEL THE PAIN *
179
00:07:44,567 --> 00:07:47,067
* CHOCOLATE RAIN
180
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:49,900
* A BABY BORN
WILL DIE BEFORE THEY SIN *
181
00:07:49,933 --> 00:07:52,633
* CHOCOLATE RAIN
182
00:07:52,667 --> 00:07:55,267
* THE SCHOOL BOOKS SAY
IT CAN'T BE HERE AGAIN *
183
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,700
* CHOCOLATE RAIN
184
00:07:57,733 --> 00:08:00,533
* THE PRISONS MAKE YOU WONDER
WHERE IT WENT *
185
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:03,197
* CHOCOLATE RAIN
186
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,433
- THAT SONG
IS ABOUT DIARRHEA.
187
00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:07,597
AND THAT DEEP-VOICED CROONER
IS TAY ZONDAY.
188
00:08:07,633 --> 00:08:09,303
WITH 66 MILLION VIEWS,
189
00:08:09,333 --> 00:08:11,733
HE HAD ONE OF THE BIGGEST
INTERNET SONGS OF ALL TIME.
190
00:08:11,767 --> 00:08:14,597
BUT HIS SUCCESS IS ABOUT MORE
THAN HIS BEAUTIFUL BARITONE.
191
00:08:14,633 --> 00:08:17,073
IF A MANLY VOICE
IS ALL IT TAKES TO BE POPULAR,
192
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:19,697
THEN WHY DO WE ALL DESPISE
MILEY CYRUS?
193
00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:21,733
AWFUL INTERNET MUSIC VIDEOS
HAVE BECOME
194
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:23,427
THE NEW ONE-HIT WONDERS.
195
00:08:23,467 --> 00:08:24,967
IF BIZ MARKIE
WAS ALIVE TODAY,
196
00:08:25,067 --> 00:08:27,727
HE'D BE GETTING A WEB REDEMPTION
IN SEASON FOUR.
197
00:08:27,767 --> 00:08:29,097
WHAT MAKES
A GOOD ONE-HIT WONDER?
198
00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:31,073
WELL, FOR STARTERS,
YOU NEED 11 OTHER SONGS
199
00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:32,797
THAT ARE COMPLETE GARBAGE.
200
00:08:32,833 --> 00:08:34,173
RIGHT, FIONA APPLE?
201
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,770
YOUR GOAL SHOULD BE TO MAKE IT
TO JOCK JAMS.
202
00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,200
WHILE INCUBUS IS BUSTING
THEIR HUMP TO STAY RELEVANT,
203
00:08:39,233 --> 00:08:41,573
THE BAJA MEN ARE STILL COASTING
OFF ONE HORRIBLE SONG
204
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,200
ABOUT DOGS.
205
00:08:43,233 --> 00:08:44,673
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH ONE AND DONE.
206
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:46,830
MY FAVORITE ONE-HIT WONDER
IS GROOVE IS IN THE HEART.
207
00:08:46,867 --> 00:08:48,427
AND I STILL LOVE DEEE-LITE,
208
00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:50,227
MOSTLY BECAUSE SHE'S A WAITRESS
AT CHOP CHOP,
209
00:08:50,267 --> 00:08:52,067
WHERE I GET MY SALADS.
210
00:08:52,067 --> 00:08:53,527
I'D LOVE TO GO
TO A MUSIC FESTIVAL
211
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,367
WHERE THE LINEUP WAS FULL
OF ONE-HIT WONDERS.
212
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:56,970
THEY PLAY THEIR SONG
AND LEAVE.
213
00:08:57,067 --> 00:08:58,297
AND, YES,
I'M ALREADY BOOKING ACTS
214
00:08:58,333 --> 00:09:00,833
FOR NEXT SUMMER,
SO DON'T STEAL MY IDEA.
215
00:09:00,867 --> 00:09:03,827
I HOPE RIGHT SAID FRED
ISN'T TOO SEXY TO SHOW UP.
216
00:09:03,867 --> 00:09:07,067
C+C MUSIC FACTORY
BETTER STILL BE IN BUSINESS.
217
00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:09,267
YOU KNOW CHUMBAWAMBA'S
STILL THUMPING THAT TUB.
218
00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:11,870
AND, DAVE MATTHEWS,
THE ONE SONG YOU HATE PERFORMING
219
00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:13,570
IS THE ONLY ONE
I WANT TO HEAR.
220
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,630
JUST PLAY CRASH
AND GET OFF THE [bleep] STAGE,
221
00:09:15,667 --> 00:09:19,897
SO OUR HEADLINER, LOU BEGA,
CAN PLAY MAMBO NO. 5.
222
00:09:19,933 --> 00:09:21,533
CHOCOLATE RAIN
WAS A TRAILBLAZER.
223
00:09:21,567 --> 00:09:22,667
HOW BIZARRE.
224
00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:24,870
AND WHAT I WANT,
WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WANT
225
00:09:24,900 --> 00:09:26,870
IS FOR HIM TO GET
HIS JUST DUE.
226
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,130
SO I DIALED 867-5309
227
00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:32,427
AND INVITED TAY TO BUST A MOVE
TO A BITTER SWEET SYMPHONY
228
00:09:32,467 --> 00:09:35,067
IN THIS WEEK'S BEHIND THE CRAPPY
INTERNET MUSIC.
229
00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:38,470
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS,
WITH A SODA ON THE SIDE.
230
00:09:42,433 --> 00:09:45,673
TAY IS YOUR FIRST,
AND ZONDAY.
231
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:47,530
NOW, THIS IS NOT
YOUR REAL NAME.
232
00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:48,697
- IT'S MY ARTIST NAME.
233
00:09:48,733 --> 00:09:50,333
- AND HOW DID YOU COME UP
WITH TAY ZONDAY?
234
00:09:50,367 --> 00:09:52,967
- WELL, I DIDN'T THINK
ADAM BAHNER WAS CATCHY ENOUGH.
235
00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:54,967
I WAS LITERALLY
ON GOOGLE.
236
00:09:55,067 --> 00:09:56,727
I ENTERED "TAY ZONDAY,"
237
00:09:56,767 --> 00:09:58,197
AND IT GOT ZERO RESULTS.
238
00:09:58,233 --> 00:10:00,173
- WELL, THERE'S A REASON
NOBODY'S USING IT.
239
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,700
IT'S NOT--
THOSE AREN'T EVEN WORDS.
240
00:10:01,733 --> 00:10:03,933
- BUT IT'S CATCHY.
IT GETS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD.
241
00:10:03,967 --> 00:10:05,927
- NO, AGREED.
- THAT GOT STUCK IN YOUR HEAD.
242
00:10:05,967 --> 00:10:07,067
- WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
243
00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,570
- GREW UP
IN THE NORTH CHICAGO SUBURBS.
244
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,330
I SPENT TIME
IN SEATTLE, MINNEAPOLIS,
245
00:10:10,367 --> 00:10:11,667
AND NOW LOS ANGELES.
246
00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:13,670
- HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- I'M 28.
247
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,230
- WHAT RACE ARE YOU?
248
00:10:15,267 --> 00:10:17,867
- I'M MIXED.
I'M HALF BLACK, HALF WHITE.
249
00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:20,130
- OH, MAN,
THAT JUST BLEW MY MIND.
250
00:10:20,167 --> 00:10:21,127
- BLEW YOUR MIND?
251
00:10:21,167 --> 00:10:23,067
- DID YOU HAVE
A HAPPY CHILDHOOD?
252
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:24,800
- I WAS PRETTY HAPPY
AS A CHILD,
253
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,103
UH, PRETTY ANGRY
AS A TEENAGER,
254
00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:27,773
AND PRETTY HAPPY
AS AN ADULT AGAIN.
255
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,570
- WHAT WAS YOUR WORLD LIKE
IN HIGH SCHOOL?
256
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:30,870
- I WAS A NERD.
257
00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:33,030
I SPENT A LOT OF TIME
ON THE INTERNET,
258
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:34,967
AND I PLAYED A LOT
OF VIDEO GAMES.
259
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,500
- YOU A SCI-FI NERD, TOO?
260
00:10:36,533 --> 00:10:37,633
- I WAS A VERY BIG FAN
261
00:10:37,667 --> 00:10:38,967
OF STAR TREK:
THE NEXT GENERATION
262
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,630
AND DEEP SPACE NINE.
263
00:10:40,667 --> 00:10:42,297
KIND OF FELL OFF THE WAGON
WITH VOYAGER.
264
00:10:42,333 --> 00:10:44,373
NEVER FOLLOWED ENTERPRISE.
265
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:45,530
BUT, YEAH.
266
00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:48,097
- DO YOU HAVE THE DEEPEST VOICE
IN YOUR FAMILY?
267
00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:50,573
- I ABSOLUTELY HAVE
THE DEEPEST VOICE IN MY FAMILY.
268
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,500
- DID YOU GO
THROUGH PUBERTY TWICE?
269
00:10:52,533 --> 00:10:54,473
- UH, NO.
270
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:56,630
- WHAT DID YOUR VOICE SOUND LIKE
BEFORE PUBERTY?
271
00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:57,897
- PEOPLE ASK THAT
272
00:10:57,933 --> 00:10:59,333
LIKE I JUST KIND OF POPPED
OUT OF THE WOMB, LIKE,
273
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:00,967
[deep voice]
"HEY, MOM, HOW YOU DOING?"
274
00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:02,227
[laughs]
275
00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:04,097
- IF I SQUEEZED YOUR BALLS,
WOULD YOUR VOICE--
276
00:11:04,133 --> 00:11:05,673
WOULD IT GO
A LITTLE HIGHER?
277
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:08,200
- THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIND OUT.
278
00:11:08,233 --> 00:11:10,273
- DO YOU HOPE
JAMES EARL JONES DIES?
279
00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:12,170
- NO, I LOVE JAMES EARL JONES.
280
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,070
- CAN YOU HIT A HIGH NOTE
FOR ME?
281
00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:18,227
- [singing a falsetto tone]
282
00:11:18,267 --> 00:11:20,927
- WHEN DID YOU WRITE
THE SONG CHOCOLATE RAIN?
283
00:11:20,967 --> 00:11:22,197
- 2007.
284
00:11:22,233 --> 00:11:25,303
I WROTE THE LYRICS PROBABLY
FEBRUARY, MARCH OF 2007.
285
00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:27,333
- OKAY, AND WHAT IS
CHOCOLATE RAIN ABOUT?
286
00:11:27,367 --> 00:11:28,527
- THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
287
00:11:28,567 --> 00:11:30,127
I ALWAYS SAY THE QUESTION
IS MORE IMPORTANT
288
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:31,467
THAN THE ANSWER.
289
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:34,830
AND I HOPE THAT CHOCOLATE RAIN
RAISES QUESTIONS.
290
00:11:34,867 --> 00:11:36,167
WHAT IS CHOCOLATE RAIN ABOUT?
291
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,870
BECAUSE WE REALLY HAVE
TOO MANY ANSWERS...
292
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:39,070
...AND, YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK
AT THE NEWS
293
00:11:39,067 --> 00:11:40,227
AND LOOK
AT POLITICAL DISCUSSION,
294
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:41,227
IT'S ALL ABOUT ANSWERS...
295
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:42,867
...NOT INQUISITIVE.
296
00:11:42,900 --> 00:11:44,730
AND SO I THINK THE BEST THING
CHOCOLATE RAIN CAN DO
297
00:11:44,767 --> 00:11:46,727
IS GET PEOPLE
TO ASK THAT QUESTION.
298
00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:48,427
- WAS IT
ABOUT BOWEL MOVEMENTS?
299
00:11:48,467 --> 00:11:49,667
- UH, NOT THAT I KNOW OF.
300
00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:51,570
- I HAVE A SUGGESTION
FOR A SONG.
301
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:52,800
- OKAY.
302
00:11:52,833 --> 00:11:55,073
- IF CHOCOLATE RAIN
WAS ABOUT RACIAL ISSUES,
303
00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:56,700
YOU KNOW,
TH--THIS COULD BE
304
00:11:56,733 --> 00:11:58,403
KIND OF LIKE
A POINT-COUNTERPOINT.
305
00:11:58,433 --> 00:12:00,373
VANILLA SUN IS A SONG
THAT'S ABOUT GOOD THINGS
306
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,870
THAT WHITE PEOPLE BRING
TO THE TABLE.
307
00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:04,070
* VANILLA SUN
- THAT'S TOO IMPOLITIC.
308
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:06,430
- * WHITE PEOPLE
ARE REALLY NUMBER ONE *
309
00:12:06,467 --> 00:12:07,867
* VANILLA SUN
310
00:12:07,900 --> 00:12:09,700
- THAT IS--THAT IS JUST--
I'M NOT EVEN GONNA GO THERE.
311
00:12:09,733 --> 00:12:11,903
NOT TOUCHING THAT ONE
WITH A TEN-FOOT POLE.
312
00:12:11,933 --> 00:12:13,403
- * LIFE WITHOUT WHITEY
WOULD BE LESS FUN *
313
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:14,703
- THIS IS DANIEL BY HIMSELF.
314
00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:16,533
- * VANILLA SUN
- DANIEL BY HIMSELF.
315
00:12:16,567 --> 00:12:18,127
- DID YOU GET INTO DRUGS
AND ALCOHOL
316
00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:20,067
LIKE MOST
SUCCESSFUL MUSICIANS?
317
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:21,527
- I AM DRUG-FREE.
318
00:12:21,567 --> 00:12:23,697
- HOW ABOUT ANY, UH,
ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN?
319
00:12:23,733 --> 00:12:25,403
- NOT THAT I KNOW OF.
320
00:12:25,433 --> 00:12:28,073
- WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER TO BE
THE LOW POINT OF YOUR LIFE?
321
00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:31,827
- I DON'T HAVE
ANY LOW POINTS.
322
00:12:31,867 --> 00:12:33,497
- TAY, IT'S BEEN GREAT
GETTING TO KNOW YOU.
323
00:12:33,533 --> 00:12:34,603
- GREAT TO KNOW YOU, TOO.
324
00:12:34,633 --> 00:12:36,533
- BUT I THINK YOUR VOICE
IS GOING TO WASTE.
325
00:12:36,567 --> 00:12:37,897
IT'S SO SEXY.
326
00:12:37,933 --> 00:12:40,733
YOU NEED TO BE SINGING SLOW,
PANTY-DROPPER-TYPE MUSIC.
327
00:12:40,767 --> 00:12:43,197
THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING YOU
THE OPPORTUNITY
328
00:12:43,233 --> 00:12:45,373
TO MAKE A MUSIC VIDEO
WITH THE MOST IMPORTANT,
329
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:49,670
TALENTED, SUCCESSFUL,
BLACKEST R&B GROUP OF ALL TIME.
330
00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:51,830
IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE,
331
00:12:51,867 --> 00:12:53,467
TWO, ONE.
332
00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:56,730
AND NOW, THE WORLD PREMIERE
OF CHOCOLATE RAIN...
333
00:12:56,767 --> 00:12:58,627
REMIX.
334
00:12:58,667 --> 00:12:59,727
[soft piano music]
335
00:12:59,767 --> 00:13:01,567
- BOYZ II MEN...
336
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,170
TAY ZONDAY...
337
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,500
D.D.T....
338
00:13:05,533 --> 00:13:08,833
THE EAST COAST FAMILY.
339
00:13:08,867 --> 00:13:10,067
all:
MM-HMM.
340
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:11,400
[thunder booms]
341
00:13:11,433 --> 00:13:13,673
all:
* CHOCOLATE RAIN
342
00:13:13,700 --> 00:13:15,070
- * OH, OH
343
00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:16,897
- * SOME STAY DRY,
AND OTHERS FEEL THE PAIN *
344
00:13:16,933 --> 00:13:18,603
* CHOCOLATE RAIN
345
00:13:18,633 --> 00:13:20,173
- * CHOCOLATE RAIN
346
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,370
- * A BABY BORN WILL DIE
BEFORE THEY SIN *
347
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:25,230
* CHOCOLATE RAIN
348
00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:26,667
- * OH OH
349
00:13:26,700 --> 00:13:28,730
- * THE SCHOOLBOOKS SAY
IT CAN'T BE HERE AGAIN *
350
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,167
* CHOCOLATE RAIN
351
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,500
- * CHOCOLATE RAIN
352
00:13:31,533 --> 00:13:34,603
- * THE PRISONS MAKE YOU WONDER
WHERE IT WENT *
353
00:13:34,633 --> 00:13:36,733
* CHOCOLATE RAIN
354
00:13:36,767 --> 00:13:38,227
- * OH OH
355
00:13:38,267 --> 00:13:40,367
- * MADE ME CROSS THE STREET
THE OTHER DAY *
356
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:41,830
* CHOCOLATE RAIN
357
00:13:41,867 --> 00:13:43,067
- * CHOCOLATE RAIN
358
00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:44,827
- * MADE YOU TURN YOUR HEAD
359
00:13:44,867 --> 00:13:46,467
* THE OTHER WAY
360
00:13:46,500 --> 00:13:47,730
* HEY GIRL
361
00:13:47,767 --> 00:13:50,397
* I JUST WANNA LAY YOU DOWN
BY THE FIRE *
362
00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:52,703
* AND WARM THAT BODY
RIGHT UP *
363
00:13:52,733 --> 00:13:54,473
* 'CAUSE I JUST WATCHED
THE NEWS *
364
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:57,530
* AND THE FORECAST CALLS
FOR CHOCOLATE RAIN *
365
00:13:57,567 --> 00:14:00,567
* 100% CACAO, BABY
366
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,500
- * 100%
367
00:14:02,533 --> 00:14:03,603
* CACAO
368
00:14:03,633 --> 00:14:05,703
- * CHOCOLATE RAIN
369
00:14:05,733 --> 00:14:08,273
* HEY-EY HEY-EY-EY
370
00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:10,070
- [wailing]
371
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:15,130
- * CHOCOLATE RAIN
372
00:14:15,167 --> 00:14:16,767
- * CHOCOLATE RAIN
373
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,100
- * THAT CHOCOLATE RAIN
374
00:14:18,133 --> 00:14:19,503
- * YEAH, YEAH, CHOCOLATE
375
00:14:19,533 --> 00:14:23,073
* YEAH, THE CHOCOLATE RAIN
376
00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:25,100
* YEAH, YEAH, CHOCOLATE
377
00:14:25,133 --> 00:14:27,833
* YEAH, THE CHOCOLATE RAIN
378
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,297
- * THAT CHOCOLATE RAIN
379
00:14:30,333 --> 00:14:34,303
- * YEAH, YEAH, CHOCOLATE,
YEAH, THE CHOCOLATE RAIN *
380
00:14:34,333 --> 00:14:36,073
- * IS IT HERSHEY?
381
00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:37,127
- * IS IT NESTLE?
382
00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:39,097
- * CHOCOLATE RAIN
383
00:14:39,133 --> 00:14:41,433
* HA HA HA
384
00:14:41,467 --> 00:14:44,097
- ALL RIGHT, WHO'S NEXT?
385
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,633
- OH, NO, I'M GOOD.
386
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:48,097
- I JUST LIKE TO WATCH.
387
00:14:48,133 --> 00:14:50,603
- I'LL GO.
WORD.
388
00:14:50,633 --> 00:14:51,833
[applause]
389
00:14:51,867 --> 00:14:53,397
- BEFORE I HAD A SHOW,
390
00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:55,273
I WOULD JUST LISTEN
TO BOYZ II MEN
391
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:57,070
WHILE I HAD
INTERRACIAL SEX.
392
00:14:57,067 --> 00:14:59,397
NOW THEY WATCH ME.
393
00:14:59,433 --> 00:15:02,373
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
BUT FIRST, FAT FAULT.
394
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:05,900
[people cheering]
395
00:15:05,933 --> 00:15:07,873
- GO, ELTON!
396
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:11,700
- LET'S GO, ELTON!
397
00:15:11,733 --> 00:15:14,603
[laughter and cheers]
- YEAH!
398
00:15:14,633 --> 00:15:17,133
[applause]
399
00:15:19,733 --> 00:15:22,303
- [grunting]
400
00:15:22,333 --> 00:15:25,303
[heavy metal music playing]
401
00:15:25,333 --> 00:15:30,633
*
402
00:15:30,667 --> 00:15:34,927
- SUMMER OF EXPOSED ARMS--
I FEEL YA.
403
00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:36,667
I'VE NEVER BEEN
IN A REAL FIGHT BEFORE,
404
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:37,970
AND I WANTED
MY FIRST FIGHT
405
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:39,827
TO BE WITH THE POUND-FOR-POUND
GREATEST BOXER
406
00:15:39,867 --> 00:15:41,167
IN THE WORLD,
MANNY PACQUIAO.
407
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,970
I DIDN'T THINK A 140-POUND,
ADORABLE LITTLE FILIPINO
408
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:47,197
COULD DO ANY REAL DAMAGE
TO THIS FLAWLESS FACE.
409
00:15:47,233 --> 00:15:48,903
EVERYBODY THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY
TO ALLOW HIM
410
00:15:48,933 --> 00:15:51,133
TO PUNCH ME ONE TIME,
SQUARE IN THE JAW.
411
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,727
YEAH, CRAZY LIKE A FOX.
412
00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:56,727
[hip-hop music]
413
00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:58,327
*
414
00:15:58,367 --> 00:16:00,097
WHAT'S THE WORST
THAT CAN HAPPEN?
415
00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:01,473
- YOU COULD DIE.
416
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:03,630
- HOW DO YOU GET INTO THE RING?
THAT'S MY FIRST PROBLEM.
417
00:16:03,667 --> 00:16:05,227
- YOU GOT TO GO
THROUGH THE ROPES.
418
00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:07,867
- I'M GOING UNDER 'EM.
419
00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:13,770
ARE RHINESTONES LEGAL?
420
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:17,200
- [laughing]
421
00:16:17,233 --> 00:16:19,203
WHERE'S THE CONTRACT THAT SAYS
IF I DIE,
422
00:16:19,233 --> 00:16:21,103
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING
TO ANYBODY?
423
00:16:21,133 --> 00:16:24,873
- MAKE SURE THAT HE SIGN
THE CONTRACT.
424
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,070
- ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT
TO DO THIS?
425
00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:27,397
- NO, OF COURSE I DON'T WANT
TO DO IT.
426
00:16:27,433 --> 00:16:28,633
IS THERE ANY CHANCE I WIN?
427
00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:31,067
I'M--NO, NO.
I'M KIDDING.
428
00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:33,827
YOU BITE ON THIS?
- YEAH, BITE DOWN.
429
00:16:33,867 --> 00:16:36,727
- LIKE THIS?
- YEAH, ENGH.
430
00:16:36,767 --> 00:16:37,727
- I'M ACTUALLY--NOW I'M--
431
00:16:37,767 --> 00:16:40,897
NOW I'M SCARED [bleep]LESS.
432
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:44,333
LET'S GO, MANNY.
433
00:16:44,367 --> 00:16:45,667
[audience ohs]
434
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:47,600
[bleep]!
435
00:16:47,633 --> 00:16:49,633
- THAT'S GOOD.
436
00:16:53,233 --> 00:16:55,203
[audience ohs]
437
00:16:55,233 --> 00:17:02,933
*
438
00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:22,967
[applause]
439
00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:25,067
[laughter]
440
00:17:29,333 --> 00:17:30,503
- SEE, MAYWEATHER?
441
00:17:30,533 --> 00:17:33,673
THAT'S HOW A MAN BEHAVES.
442
00:17:33,700 --> 00:17:34,800
AS MANY OF YOU KNOW,
443
00:17:34,833 --> 00:17:36,203
TOSH.0 IS GOING TO TAPE
AN EPISODE
444
00:17:36,233 --> 00:17:37,903
FROM A COLLEGE CAMPUS
THIS YEAR.
445
00:17:37,933 --> 00:17:39,573
AND I ASKED YOU
TO SEND IN VIDEOS
446
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,500
EXPLAINING WHY WE SHOULD VISIT
YOUR SCHOOL.
447
00:17:41,533 --> 00:17:43,073
SO FAR,
OUR FAVORITE COMES TO US
448
00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:44,527
FROM BOWLING GREEN STATE.
449
00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:45,867
- HI, THERE, DANIEL.
450
00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:48,070
HERE AT B.G.S.U.,
WE'RE CELEBRATING 100 YEARS
451
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,127
OF HIGHER EDUCATION,
452
00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:50,667
AND WE WANT YOU
TO CELEBRATE WITH US.
453
00:17:50,700 --> 00:17:52,670
[inspiring music]
454
00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:56,900
- I CHOSE TO COME TO B.G.
FOR THE DIVERSE STUDENT BODY.
455
00:17:56,933 --> 00:18:02,103
- BOWLING GREEN STATE UNIVERSITY
CELEBRATES DIVERSITY.
456
00:18:02,133 --> 00:18:04,603
- DIVERSITY, INDEED.
457
00:18:04,633 --> 00:18:07,403
BUT DON'T BE DISCOURAGED.
I HAVEN'T MADE MY DECISION YET.
458
00:18:07,433 --> 00:18:09,073
SO GO TO OUR BLOG,
AND UPLOAD YOUR VIDEO
459
00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:11,627
EXPLAINING WHY YOUR SCHOOL
DESERVES ME THE MOST.
460
00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:13,167
AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE,
WHY NOT TAKE A SHOT
461
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,770
AT BEING OUR VIEWER VIDEO
OF THE WEEK?
462
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,670
THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US
FROM FUNNYSHORTS.COM.
463
00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:20,767
- BLESS YOU.
464
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:21,770
- WHAT?
465
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:22,900
AH-CHOO!
466
00:18:22,933 --> 00:18:26,703
[Baroque music]
467
00:18:26,733 --> 00:18:29,233
- OOH!
I GOT A PREDICTION.
468
00:18:29,267 --> 00:18:31,267
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE SPORTSDOME.
469
00:18:39,267 --> 00:18:43,767
[cheers and applause]
470
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:45,500
- WELCOME BACK.
471
00:18:45,533 --> 00:18:46,973
I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT
472
00:18:47,067 --> 00:18:49,627
THAT I'M STILL HOSTING
A TV SHOW IN A TANK TOP.
473
00:18:49,667 --> 00:18:51,927
THAT IS A 30-MINUTE JOKE
THAT IS NOT WORKING.
474
00:18:51,967 --> 00:18:53,197
[laughter]
475
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:55,403
AND STOP COMPLAINING
ABOUT HOW MUCH TIME WE TAKE OFF.
476
00:18:55,433 --> 00:18:56,773
WE DO 30 EPISODES A YEAR.
477
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:59,900
IF WE DID ALL THE SHOWS
AT ONCE, I'D GET SICK OF YOU.
478
00:19:00,067 --> 00:19:02,067
NEXT WEEK'S SHOW,
EVEN BETTER,
479
00:19:02,067 --> 00:19:04,497
"BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE"
GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.
480
00:19:04,533 --> 00:19:06,673
- IT SEEMS LESS...
481
00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:07,870
WEEK PLAYER ON...
482
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:10,500
IT SEEMS EVERY WEEK
THAT YOU HAVE A PLAYER--
483
00:19:10,533 --> 00:19:12,473
[whispering]
I'M SORRY.
484
00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:14,070
[normal voice]
LATER HE GETS THE REBOUND,
485
00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:15,697
PASSES IT TO THE MAN,
SHOOTS IT,
486
00:19:15,733 --> 00:19:17,333
AND BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE.
487
00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:20,067
- [whispering]
I'M SO SORRY.
488
00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:22,400
IT TOOK US TWO YEARS TO CONVINCE
HIM TO COME ON THE SHOW,
489
00:19:22,433 --> 00:19:24,173
AND I'M STILL NOT SURE
IT WAS WORTH IT.
490
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,900
HEY, BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME
ON TWITTER
491
00:19:25,933 --> 00:19:27,373
SO WE CAN LIVE-CHAT
DURING THE SHOWS.
492
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,970
KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG
OVER AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.
493
00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:31,167
AND GET READY.
494
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,200
MAY 20TH,
TICKETS GO ON SALE
495
00:19:33,233 --> 00:19:34,873
FOR MY NEW TOSH TOUR
ON ICE.
496
00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:37,430
"HOW MUCH MONEY
DO YOU WANT, DANIEL?"
497
00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:38,727
I DON'T KNOW.
498
00:19:38,767 --> 00:19:40,697
BUT THIS ONE
INCLUDES CANADA AND U.S.
499
00:19:40,733 --> 00:19:42,873
OH, THAT IS
AN INTERNATIONAL TOUR.
500
00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:44,200
IS MY PASSPORT VALID?
501
00:19:44,233 --> 00:19:46,273
WE'LL FIND OUT.
502
00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:49,200
HEY, IF YOU CAN'T MAKE IT THERE,
MAY 29TH I'M IN VEGAS.
503
00:19:49,233 --> 00:19:50,603
I DO HAVE SOME SAD NEWS
TO REPORT
504
00:19:50,633 --> 00:19:52,133
FROM THE TOSH.0 FAMILY.
505
00:19:52,167 --> 00:19:53,467
OVER THE BREAK,
ONE OF OUR WRITERS
506
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:55,230
LOST HIS GRANDMA.
507
00:19:55,267 --> 00:19:56,427
[audience aws]
508
00:19:56,467 --> 00:19:57,427
SAVE YOUR PITY.
509
00:19:57,467 --> 00:19:58,597
HE MADE OUT LIKE A BANDIT
510
00:19:58,633 --> 00:20:00,773
ON OUR OFFICE-WIDE
GRANDMA DEATH POOL.
511
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,730
JUST IN CASE YOUR OFFICE
DOESN'T HAVE ONE,
512
00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:04,067
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.
513
00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:06,300
EVERYONE WITH A LIVING GRANDMA
PAYS IN A DOLLAR A DAY
514
00:20:06,333 --> 00:20:07,873
UNTIL ONE OF THEM DIES.
515
00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:10,170
JIM GOT SUPER LUCKY
WHEN HIS GRANDMA CROAKED
516
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:11,470
AT DAY 214.
517
00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:12,700
SO HE WON THE POT.
518
00:20:12,733 --> 00:20:15,533
AN AUTOPSY WAS NOT PERFORMED.
519
00:20:15,567 --> 00:20:17,867
SO I SUSPECT FOUL PLAY.
520
00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:19,770
IT'S NOT ALL GOOD NEWS
FOR JIM, THOUGH.
521
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,170
HE'S ONE OF TWO PEOPLE
ON THIS SHOW
522
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,230
WHO COMES FROM ALABAMA,
AND THE CRAZY THING IS,
523
00:20:23,267 --> 00:20:24,597
THEY'RE ACTUALLY PROUD OF IT.
524
00:20:24,633 --> 00:20:26,473
I FIND THAT
EXTREMELY ANNOYING.
525
00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:28,170
SO I CONSTANTLY MAKE THEM
WRITE JOKES
526
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,000
ABOUT HOW STUPID
THEIR STATE IS.
527
00:20:30,033 --> 00:20:31,933
THE PROBLEM IS,
'BAMA JUST GOT ITS ASS KICKED
528
00:20:31,967 --> 00:20:33,197
BY A TORNADO.
529
00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:35,873
APPARENTLY, GOD HATES NICK SABAN
EVEN MORE THAN I DO.
530
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:37,830
BUT I REFUSE TO LET
A NATURAL DISASTER
531
00:20:37,867 --> 00:20:40,267
DESTROY ALABAMA--
THAT'S MY JOB.
532
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:41,500
SO I'M ASKING YOU
TO HELP GET
533
00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:43,573
THAT OVERWEIGHT, RACIST STATE
BACK ON ITS FEET
534
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:46,430
SO WE CAN CONTINUE
TO MAKE FUN OF IT.
535
00:20:46,467 --> 00:20:48,597
TO MAKE A $10 DONATION
TO THE TORNADO VICTIMS,
536
00:20:48,633 --> 00:20:51,303
TEXT "REDCROSS" TO 90999.
537
00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:54,333
COME ON, YOU GUYS, LET'S HELP
THE SOUTH RISE AGAIN.
538
00:20:54,367 --> 00:20:56,297
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT.
539
00:20:56,333 --> 00:20:58,033
YOU'RE OUT.
YOU'RE OUT.
540
00:20:58,067 --> 00:21:01,097
[cheers and applause]
541
00:21:01,133 --> 00:21:04,133
Captioning by CaptionMax
www.captionmax.com
542
00:21:13,167 --> 00:21:14,597
- I'M ACTUALLY ALLERGIC
TO CHOCOLATE.
543
00:21:14,633 --> 00:21:15,733
- MM. MM.
- BUT, YOU KNOW...
544
00:21:15,767 --> 00:21:17,727
I GOT A CHOCOLATY FEELING
WHEN I HEARD IT.
545
00:21:17,767 --> 00:21:21,897
- I WAS QUITE, YOU KNOW,
INTRIGUED BY HIS WHOLE AURA.
546
00:21:21,933 --> 00:21:26,903
IT WAS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN,
LIKE, HORNY AND SCARED.
547
00:21:26,933 --> 00:21:29,233
- ARE YOU [bleep] SERIOUS, DUDE?
- [snickers]
548
00:21:29,267 --> 00:21:31,127
- OH, WHITE CHOCOLATE'S
MOST DEFINITELY RACIST,
549
00:21:31,167 --> 00:21:32,267
WITHOUT A DOUBT.
550
00:21:32,300 --> 00:21:33,570
'CAUSE YOU KNOW
HOW YOU HAVE, LIKE,
551
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,830
BLACK CHOCOLATE,
WHITE CHOCOLATE,
552
00:21:35,867 --> 00:21:37,267
BLACK GROUPS, WHITE GROUPS?
553
00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:39,070
YOU KNOW HOW THEY COME AND THEY
KIND OF STEAL EVERYTHING?
554
00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:40,300
- WHITE FOLKS
CAN'T LET US HAVE NOTHING.
555
00:21:40,333 --> 00:21:41,633
- CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR
THE NEXT SINGLE, BRO.
38945
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