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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:19,867 --> 00:00:22,397 - ALL RIGHT, I WANT A CLEAN MATCH. 2 00:00:22,433 --> 00:00:25,573 [indistinct shouting] 3 00:00:30,733 --> 00:00:33,003 - AAH! 4 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,703 - IS IT OUT? 5 00:00:34,733 --> 00:00:36,533 [audience ohs] - VICTORY! 6 00:00:36,567 --> 00:00:38,527 [cheers and applause] 7 00:00:38,567 --> 00:00:41,527 [laid-back hip-hop music] 8 00:00:41,567 --> 00:00:48,027 * 9 00:00:48,067 --> 00:00:51,767 - USA, USA. 10 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:55,230 RELEASE THE PHOTO, OBAMA. 11 00:00:55,267 --> 00:00:56,867 WELCOME TO TOSH.0. 12 00:00:56,900 --> 00:00:59,130 I HOPE YOUR BREAK WAS AS LUCRATIVE AS MINE. 13 00:00:59,167 --> 00:01:01,467 AS USUAL, EVERYONE IS DYING TO KNOW 14 00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:03,200 WHAT MY NEW WARDROBE WILL BE. 15 00:01:03,233 --> 00:01:05,133 WELL, LET'S PUT AN END TO ALL THE SPECULATION 16 00:01:05,167 --> 00:01:07,067 BECAUSE IT'S OFFICIALLY THE SUMMER 17 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,797 OF EXPOSED ARMS. 18 00:01:08,833 --> 00:01:10,573 [cheers and applause] 19 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:11,870 AH. 20 00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:13,670 YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. 21 00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:17,370 YOU WILL BE SEEING SOME TO ALL OF THESE BAD BOYS 22 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,300 FOR THE REST OF THE SUMMER. 23 00:01:19,333 --> 00:01:21,503 AND, YES, THOSE ARE TAN LINES. 24 00:01:21,533 --> 00:01:23,803 I SURF ON THE REG. 25 00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:24,903 TONIGHT ON THE GUN SHOW, 26 00:01:24,933 --> 00:01:27,203 I SHOWER YOU WITH CHOCOLATE RAIN, 27 00:01:27,233 --> 00:01:29,273 MANNY PACQUIAO PUNCHES ME IN THE FACE, 28 00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:30,600 AND I ANNOUNCE THE WINNER 29 00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:33,433 OF THE TOSH.0 GRANDMA DEATH POOL. 30 00:01:33,467 --> 00:01:34,697 NOW, LET'S HEAD BACK 31 00:01:34,733 --> 00:01:36,933 TO THE MOST DEADLY FOURTH OF JULY EVER... 32 00:01:36,967 --> 00:01:38,827 MINUS THE ORIGINAL. 33 00:01:38,867 --> 00:01:40,797 - IS IT OUT? 34 00:01:40,833 --> 00:01:42,273 - OH! 35 00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:43,870 - VICTORY! 36 00:01:43,900 --> 00:01:46,930 - FLAWLESS VICTORY. 37 00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:48,797 LISTEN, I LIKED TAKING A HOT LOAD TO THE FACE 38 00:01:48,833 --> 00:01:50,233 AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY, 39 00:01:50,267 --> 00:01:52,627 BUT THIS IS DANGEROUS. 40 00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:54,227 - OH! 41 00:01:54,267 --> 00:01:57,697 - REMINDS ME OF HOW MUCH I HATE KATY PERRY. 42 00:01:57,733 --> 00:01:59,403 DO THEY STILL PLAY THAT FIREWORK SONG? 43 00:01:59,433 --> 00:02:00,703 [scattered chuckles] 44 00:02:00,733 --> 00:02:02,533 THAT WOULD BE THE-- THE JOKE. 45 00:02:02,567 --> 00:02:05,297 [laughter] 46 00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:07,673 NOW, CAN SOMEONE HELP ME MOVE THIS TABLE? 47 00:02:10,567 --> 00:02:12,367 BEHOLD THE POWER OF PLEDGE. 48 00:02:15,767 --> 00:02:18,567 THOSE ARE SOME STRONG CHOMPERS. 49 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:20,730 HE MUST BE PART BEAVER. 50 00:02:20,767 --> 00:02:23,727 FOUR OUT FIVE DENTISTS SAY THIS IS A BAD IDEA. 51 00:02:23,767 --> 00:02:27,067 THE FIFTH IS FROM ALABAMA. 52 00:02:27,100 --> 00:02:28,500 HOW HARD CAN THAT BE? 53 00:02:28,533 --> 00:02:29,833 ALL RIGHT, YOU READY TO CATCH IT? 54 00:02:29,867 --> 00:02:31,867 - YEAH. 55 00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:34,900 - LIFT YOUR COMPUTERS UP, GUYS. 56 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:39,970 [audience groaning] 57 00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:42,727 OH, BAD IDEA! 58 00:02:42,767 --> 00:02:45,167 THAT WAS A BAD IDEA. 59 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,930 DID ONE OF YOU BOLT THE TABLE DOWN? 60 00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:49,727 UNBOLT IT. 61 00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:51,797 LET'S GO AGAIN. 62 00:02:51,833 --> 00:02:55,373 I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE STARTED WITH SOMETHING FROM IKEA... 63 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:58,400 LIKE A SKOL OR A BJORG. 64 00:02:58,433 --> 00:03:00,173 CHECK OUT THIS PARTY FOUL. 65 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,170 [hip-hop music] 66 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,570 * 67 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:10,430 - [screams] 68 00:03:10,467 --> 00:03:11,427 - THE BACHELOR PARTY 69 00:03:11,467 --> 00:03:14,067 WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY BORING, SWEETIE. 70 00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:15,630 LET'S PUT 90 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK. 71 00:03:15,667 --> 00:03:17,527 WHAT THE "H"? THAT'S NOT OUR BIT. 72 00:03:17,567 --> 00:03:19,697 I MEAN 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK 73 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,673 AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN POST. 74 00:03:21,700 --> 00:03:25,170 OH, SHE'S ACTUALLY CLEANER NOW. 75 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,070 THIS PROVES HE'S READY FOR MARRIAGE, 76 00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:30,770 BECAUSE ANY OTHER WOMAN IS GROSS TO HIM. 77 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,070 OH, HE MUST HAVE CAUGHT A WHIFF OF CROTCH. 78 00:03:33,067 --> 00:03:34,397 [audience groans] 79 00:03:34,433 --> 00:03:36,503 YOU'LL NOTICE IN YOUR CHECK I THREW IN AN EXTRA $50 80 00:03:36,533 --> 00:03:38,573 BECAUSE I PUKED ON YOU. 81 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,130 GET BACK THERE, HONEY. 82 00:03:40,167 --> 00:03:42,227 THE SONG'S NOT OVER YET. 83 00:03:42,267 --> 00:03:44,067 ALL HER FRIENDS AT "LAW SCHOOL" 84 00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:45,267 ARE GONNA LOVE THIS STORY. 85 00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:46,570 [electronic tone] 86 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:49,800 IS SEEING A WOMAN WRECK ON A SNOWBOARD ENJOYABLE? 87 00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:55,697 - WHOO, [bleep]. 88 00:03:55,733 --> 00:03:59,333 [audience ohs] 89 00:03:59,367 --> 00:04:01,627 - YES. 90 00:04:01,667 --> 00:04:03,067 OH, SHE SHOULD'VE BEEN SMART 91 00:04:03,067 --> 00:04:05,397 AND JUMPED FROM THE LADIES' TEES. 92 00:04:05,433 --> 00:04:06,633 NEXT YEAR SHE'LL BE COMPETING 93 00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:08,827 IN THE SPECIAL X-GAMES. 94 00:04:08,867 --> 00:04:10,067 DO THEY HAVE THOSE YET? 95 00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:13,070 BECAUSE THAT IS A CAN'T-MISS IDEA, RED BULL. 96 00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:14,397 - WHOO, [bleep]. 97 00:04:14,433 --> 00:04:16,403 - OH, YEAH. 98 00:04:16,433 --> 00:04:18,673 YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GRIND ON YOUR WOMANHOOD LIKE THAT. 99 00:04:18,700 --> 00:04:20,830 IT'S BAD FOR THE BABY. 100 00:04:20,867 --> 00:04:24,067 YOU KNOW WHERE THAT NEVER HAPPENS, LADIES? 101 00:04:24,067 --> 00:04:25,327 THE KITCHEN. 102 00:04:25,367 --> 00:04:29,127 COME ON, YOU KNOW THIS ONE. 103 00:04:29,167 --> 00:04:30,597 HERE'S WHY YOU HAVE TO WAIT A HALF HOUR 104 00:04:30,633 --> 00:04:33,073 BEFORE GETTING IN THE WATER. 105 00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:43,430 - [muffled] OH, MY GOD! 106 00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:46,497 - I LOVE SHARK WEEK. 107 00:04:46,533 --> 00:04:48,673 PROBABLY HAD A CUBAN FOR LUNCH. 108 00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:50,700 WE HAVEN'T SEEN ELIAN IN A WHILE. 109 00:04:52,967 --> 00:04:56,067 COME ON, HOW ABOUT A COUPLE COURTESY FLUSHES THERE, JAWS? 110 00:04:56,067 --> 00:04:57,067 NO NEED TO WIPE. 111 00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:59,670 THE OCEAN IS LIKE A GIANT BIDET. 112 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,070 WHAT'S NEXT? 113 00:05:06,700 --> 00:05:08,700 [audience ohs] 114 00:05:12,067 --> 00:05:14,667 [bleep] GETS CRAZY WHEN YOU START CHARGING 115 00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:16,870 FOR CHIPS AND SALSA. 116 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,530 LET'S FIND OUT WHY WHITE PEOPLE 117 00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:19,797 SHOULD STICK TO CHIPOTLE 118 00:05:19,833 --> 00:05:21,933 IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN BELL GRANDE. 119 00:05:21,967 --> 00:05:24,597 [cheers and applause] 120 00:05:24,633 --> 00:05:26,573 WELCOME TO TACOS DEL RIO, 121 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,870 LOCATED EXCLUSIVELY IN THE GANG-RIDDEN NEIGHBORHOOD 122 00:05:28,900 --> 00:05:30,200 OF EAST L.A. 123 00:05:30,233 --> 00:05:32,103 THE ONLY PLACE MORE DANGEROUS IS THE PARKING LOT 124 00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:34,073 AT DODGER STADIUM. 125 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:38,297 LUNCH IS ABOUT TO GO FROM MILD TO MUY CALIENTE. 126 00:05:38,333 --> 00:05:40,873 IS THAT PRO BOWL TACKLE JON RUNYAN? 127 00:05:40,900 --> 00:05:44,370 NEVER MESS WITH A WHITE DUDE IN A 69 JERSEY. 128 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:48,370 I BET HIS PLAN IS TO BOTH GIVE AND RECEIVE SOME BLOWS. 129 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,300 OH. 130 00:05:51,333 --> 00:05:54,433 HE JUST GOT RUINED BY THE GUY IN THE COSBY SWEATER. 131 00:05:54,467 --> 00:05:57,767 [imitating Bill Cosby] YOU SEE. 132 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,330 [normal voice] FINALLY, SOME REAL BEEF IN THIS TACO SHACK. 133 00:06:00,367 --> 00:06:01,797 OH, LOOK, HIS FRIENDS STORM IN 134 00:06:01,833 --> 00:06:04,133 LIKE NAVY SEAL TEAM 6. 135 00:06:04,167 --> 00:06:06,467 TOO BAD THEY'RE WHITE, SO THEY'RE ABOUT AS USELESS 136 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,070 AS THOSE WEIRD PICKLED CARROTS THEY HAVE 137 00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:09,770 AT MEXICAN RESTAURANTS. 138 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,770 AT LEAST HE'S USING THE TABLE. 139 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,370 THAT'S THINKING OUTSIDE THE BUN. 140 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,670 OH, THANK GOD, 69 IS AWAKE AND MOVING. 141 00:06:16,700 --> 00:06:18,930 LOOKS LIKE HE'S OKAY. 142 00:06:18,967 --> 00:06:20,267 [audience groans] 143 00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:21,930 OR MAYBE NOT. 144 00:06:21,967 --> 00:06:23,267 TAKE IT EASY, ESE. 145 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,930 HIS HEAD ISN'T FILLED WITH CANDY. 146 00:06:25,967 --> 00:06:27,167 TURNS OUT A WET BURRITO 147 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,200 REALLY SLOWS DOWN YOUR REFLEXES. 148 00:06:30,233 --> 00:06:31,573 OH. 149 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,370 I BET HIS FATHER WAS A BULLFIGHTER. 150 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,070 THE RACE WAR IS FINALLY OVER, 151 00:06:35,067 --> 00:06:38,067 AND ALL THE SUSPECTS OF COLOR WISELY FLEE THE SCENE. 152 00:06:38,067 --> 00:06:39,727 I'M JUST GLAD TACOS DEL RIO HAS 153 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,267 THE CLEAREST SECURITY-CAMERA FOOTAGE 154 00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:43,070 I'VE EVER SEEN, AND FOR THAT WE SAY, 155 00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:46,527 "ANDALE, ANDALE, ARRIBA, ARRIBA!" 156 00:06:46,567 --> 00:06:48,397 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TAY ZONDAY. 157 00:06:48,433 --> 00:06:50,703 BUT FIRST, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM. 158 00:06:50,733 --> 00:06:52,073 EVERYBODY SAY WAY-HO. 159 00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:55,070 all: WAY-HO. 160 00:06:55,067 --> 00:06:58,927 [mouse clicks] 161 00:06:58,967 --> 00:07:01,067 [singing with Norwegian accent] - * BOOM, BOOM, BOOM 162 00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:03,427 * NOW LET ME HEAR YOU SAY WAY-HO * 163 00:07:03,467 --> 00:07:04,727 * I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM 164 00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:06,897 * EVERYBODY SAY WAY-HO 165 00:07:06,933 --> 00:07:08,103 * I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM 166 00:07:08,133 --> 00:07:09,933 * NOW LET ME HEAR YOU SAY WAY-HO * 167 00:07:09,967 --> 00:07:12,127 * I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, EVERYBODY SAY WAY-HO * 168 00:07:12,167 --> 00:07:14,167 [electronic beat begins] - * WAY-HO 169 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,530 - * BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, LET ME HEAR YOU SAY WAY-HO * 170 00:07:16,567 --> 00:07:18,067 - * WAY-HO 171 00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:20,167 - * I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, NOW EVERYBODY SAY WAY-HO * 172 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:21,670 - * WAY-HO 173 00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:24,070 - * I SAY BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, LET ME HEAR YOU SAY WAY-HO * 174 00:07:24,067 --> 00:07:27,397 - * WAY-HO 175 00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:32,827 [dramatic keyboard music] 176 00:07:32,867 --> 00:07:39,067 * 177 00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:41,467 - * CHOCOLATE RAIN 178 00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:44,530 * SOME STAY DRY, AND OTHERS FEEL THE PAIN * 179 00:07:44,567 --> 00:07:47,067 * CHOCOLATE RAIN 180 00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:49,900 * A BABY BORN WILL DIE BEFORE THEY SIN * 181 00:07:49,933 --> 00:07:52,633 * CHOCOLATE RAIN 182 00:07:52,667 --> 00:07:55,267 * THE SCHOOL BOOKS SAY IT CAN'T BE HERE AGAIN * 183 00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,700 * CHOCOLATE RAIN 184 00:07:57,733 --> 00:08:00,533 * THE PRISONS MAKE YOU WONDER WHERE IT WENT * 185 00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:03,197 * CHOCOLATE RAIN 186 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,433 - THAT SONG IS ABOUT DIARRHEA. 187 00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:07,597 AND THAT DEEP-VOICED CROONER IS TAY ZONDAY. 188 00:08:07,633 --> 00:08:09,303 WITH 66 MILLION VIEWS, 189 00:08:09,333 --> 00:08:11,733 HE HAD ONE OF THE BIGGEST INTERNET SONGS OF ALL TIME. 190 00:08:11,767 --> 00:08:14,597 BUT HIS SUCCESS IS ABOUT MORE THAN HIS BEAUTIFUL BARITONE. 191 00:08:14,633 --> 00:08:17,073 IF A MANLY VOICE IS ALL IT TAKES TO BE POPULAR, 192 00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:19,697 THEN WHY DO WE ALL DESPISE MILEY CYRUS? 193 00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:21,733 AWFUL INTERNET MUSIC VIDEOS HAVE BECOME 194 00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:23,427 THE NEW ONE-HIT WONDERS. 195 00:08:23,467 --> 00:08:24,967 IF BIZ MARKIE WAS ALIVE TODAY, 196 00:08:25,067 --> 00:08:27,727 HE'D BE GETTING A WEB REDEMPTION IN SEASON FOUR. 197 00:08:27,767 --> 00:08:29,097 WHAT MAKES A GOOD ONE-HIT WONDER? 198 00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:31,073 WELL, FOR STARTERS, YOU NEED 11 OTHER SONGS 199 00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:32,797 THAT ARE COMPLETE GARBAGE. 200 00:08:32,833 --> 00:08:34,173 RIGHT, FIONA APPLE? 201 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,770 YOUR GOAL SHOULD BE TO MAKE IT TO JOCK JAMS. 202 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,200 WHILE INCUBUS IS BUSTING THEIR HUMP TO STAY RELEVANT, 203 00:08:39,233 --> 00:08:41,573 THE BAJA MEN ARE STILL COASTING OFF ONE HORRIBLE SONG 204 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,200 ABOUT DOGS. 205 00:08:43,233 --> 00:08:44,673 THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ONE AND DONE. 206 00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:46,830 MY FAVORITE ONE-HIT WONDER IS GROOVE IS IN THE HEART. 207 00:08:46,867 --> 00:08:48,427 AND I STILL LOVE DEEE-LITE, 208 00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:50,227 MOSTLY BECAUSE SHE'S A WAITRESS AT CHOP CHOP, 209 00:08:50,267 --> 00:08:52,067 WHERE I GET MY SALADS. 210 00:08:52,067 --> 00:08:53,527 I'D LOVE TO GO TO A MUSIC FESTIVAL 211 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,367 WHERE THE LINEUP WAS FULL OF ONE-HIT WONDERS. 212 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:56,970 THEY PLAY THEIR SONG AND LEAVE. 213 00:08:57,067 --> 00:08:58,297 AND, YES, I'M ALREADY BOOKING ACTS 214 00:08:58,333 --> 00:09:00,833 FOR NEXT SUMMER, SO DON'T STEAL MY IDEA. 215 00:09:00,867 --> 00:09:03,827 I HOPE RIGHT SAID FRED ISN'T TOO SEXY TO SHOW UP. 216 00:09:03,867 --> 00:09:07,067 C+C MUSIC FACTORY BETTER STILL BE IN BUSINESS. 217 00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:09,267 YOU KNOW CHUMBAWAMBA'S STILL THUMPING THAT TUB. 218 00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:11,870 AND, DAVE MATTHEWS, THE ONE SONG YOU HATE PERFORMING 219 00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:13,570 IS THE ONLY ONE I WANT TO HEAR. 220 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,630 JUST PLAY CRASH AND GET OFF THE [bleep] STAGE, 221 00:09:15,667 --> 00:09:19,897 SO OUR HEADLINER, LOU BEGA, CAN PLAY MAMBO NO. 5. 222 00:09:19,933 --> 00:09:21,533 CHOCOLATE RAIN WAS A TRAILBLAZER. 223 00:09:21,567 --> 00:09:22,667 HOW BIZARRE. 224 00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:24,870 AND WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WANT 225 00:09:24,900 --> 00:09:26,870 IS FOR HIM TO GET HIS JUST DUE. 226 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,130 SO I DIALED 867-5309 227 00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:32,427 AND INVITED TAY TO BUST A MOVE TO A BITTER SWEET SYMPHONY 228 00:09:32,467 --> 00:09:35,067 IN THIS WEEK'S BEHIND THE CRAPPY INTERNET MUSIC. 229 00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:38,470 WHOOMP! THERE IT IS, WITH A SODA ON THE SIDE. 230 00:09:42,433 --> 00:09:45,673 TAY IS YOUR FIRST, AND ZONDAY. 231 00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:47,530 NOW, THIS IS NOT YOUR REAL NAME. 232 00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:48,697 - IT'S MY ARTIST NAME. 233 00:09:48,733 --> 00:09:50,333 - AND HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH TAY ZONDAY? 234 00:09:50,367 --> 00:09:52,967 - WELL, I DIDN'T THINK ADAM BAHNER WAS CATCHY ENOUGH. 235 00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:54,967 I WAS LITERALLY ON GOOGLE. 236 00:09:55,067 --> 00:09:56,727 I ENTERED "TAY ZONDAY," 237 00:09:56,767 --> 00:09:58,197 AND IT GOT ZERO RESULTS. 238 00:09:58,233 --> 00:10:00,173 - WELL, THERE'S A REASON NOBODY'S USING IT. 239 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,700 IT'S NOT-- THOSE AREN'T EVEN WORDS. 240 00:10:01,733 --> 00:10:03,933 - BUT IT'S CATCHY. IT GETS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD. 241 00:10:03,967 --> 00:10:05,927 - NO, AGREED. - THAT GOT STUCK IN YOUR HEAD. 242 00:10:05,967 --> 00:10:07,067 - WHERE ARE YOU FROM? 243 00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,570 - GREW UP IN THE NORTH CHICAGO SUBURBS. 244 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,330 I SPENT TIME IN SEATTLE, MINNEAPOLIS, 245 00:10:10,367 --> 00:10:11,667 AND NOW LOS ANGELES. 246 00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:13,670 - HOW OLD ARE YOU? - I'M 28. 247 00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,230 - WHAT RACE ARE YOU? 248 00:10:15,267 --> 00:10:17,867 - I'M MIXED. I'M HALF BLACK, HALF WHITE. 249 00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:20,130 - OH, MAN, THAT JUST BLEW MY MIND. 250 00:10:20,167 --> 00:10:21,127 - BLEW YOUR MIND? 251 00:10:21,167 --> 00:10:23,067 - DID YOU HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD? 252 00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:24,800 - I WAS PRETTY HAPPY AS A CHILD, 253 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,103 UH, PRETTY ANGRY AS A TEENAGER, 254 00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:27,773 AND PRETTY HAPPY AS AN ADULT AGAIN. 255 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,570 - WHAT WAS YOUR WORLD LIKE IN HIGH SCHOOL? 256 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:30,870 - I WAS A NERD. 257 00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:33,030 I SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON THE INTERNET, 258 00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:34,967 AND I PLAYED A LOT OF VIDEO GAMES. 259 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,500 - YOU A SCI-FI NERD, TOO? 260 00:10:36,533 --> 00:10:37,633 - I WAS A VERY BIG FAN 261 00:10:37,667 --> 00:10:38,967 OF STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION 262 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,630 AND DEEP SPACE NINE. 263 00:10:40,667 --> 00:10:42,297 KIND OF FELL OFF THE WAGON WITH VOYAGER. 264 00:10:42,333 --> 00:10:44,373 NEVER FOLLOWED ENTERPRISE. 265 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:45,530 BUT, YEAH. 266 00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:48,097 - DO YOU HAVE THE DEEPEST VOICE IN YOUR FAMILY? 267 00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:50,573 - I ABSOLUTELY HAVE THE DEEPEST VOICE IN MY FAMILY. 268 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,500 - DID YOU GO THROUGH PUBERTY TWICE? 269 00:10:52,533 --> 00:10:54,473 - UH, NO. 270 00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:56,630 - WHAT DID YOUR VOICE SOUND LIKE BEFORE PUBERTY? 271 00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:57,897 - PEOPLE ASK THAT 272 00:10:57,933 --> 00:10:59,333 LIKE I JUST KIND OF POPPED OUT OF THE WOMB, LIKE, 273 00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:00,967 [deep voice] "HEY, MOM, HOW YOU DOING?" 274 00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:02,227 [laughs] 275 00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:04,097 - IF I SQUEEZED YOUR BALLS, WOULD YOUR VOICE-- 276 00:11:04,133 --> 00:11:05,673 WOULD IT GO A LITTLE HIGHER? 277 00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:08,200 - THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIND OUT. 278 00:11:08,233 --> 00:11:10,273 - DO YOU HOPE JAMES EARL JONES DIES? 279 00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:12,170 - NO, I LOVE JAMES EARL JONES. 280 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,070 - CAN YOU HIT A HIGH NOTE FOR ME? 281 00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:18,227 - [singing a falsetto tone] 282 00:11:18,267 --> 00:11:20,927 - WHEN DID YOU WRITE THE SONG CHOCOLATE RAIN? 283 00:11:20,967 --> 00:11:22,197 - 2007. 284 00:11:22,233 --> 00:11:25,303 I WROTE THE LYRICS PROBABLY FEBRUARY, MARCH OF 2007. 285 00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:27,333 - OKAY, AND WHAT IS CHOCOLATE RAIN ABOUT? 286 00:11:27,367 --> 00:11:28,527 - THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. 287 00:11:28,567 --> 00:11:30,127 I ALWAYS SAY THE QUESTION IS MORE IMPORTANT 288 00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:31,467 THAN THE ANSWER. 289 00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:34,830 AND I HOPE THAT CHOCOLATE RAIN RAISES QUESTIONS. 290 00:11:34,867 --> 00:11:36,167 WHAT IS CHOCOLATE RAIN ABOUT? 291 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,870 BECAUSE WE REALLY HAVE TOO MANY ANSWERS... 292 00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:39,070 ...AND, YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK AT THE NEWS 293 00:11:39,067 --> 00:11:40,227 AND LOOK AT POLITICAL DISCUSSION, 294 00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:41,227 IT'S ALL ABOUT ANSWERS... 295 00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:42,867 ...NOT INQUISITIVE. 296 00:11:42,900 --> 00:11:44,730 AND SO I THINK THE BEST THING CHOCOLATE RAIN CAN DO 297 00:11:44,767 --> 00:11:46,727 IS GET PEOPLE TO ASK THAT QUESTION. 298 00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:48,427 - WAS IT ABOUT BOWEL MOVEMENTS? 299 00:11:48,467 --> 00:11:49,667 - UH, NOT THAT I KNOW OF. 300 00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:51,570 - I HAVE A SUGGESTION FOR A SONG. 301 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:52,800 - OKAY. 302 00:11:52,833 --> 00:11:55,073 - IF CHOCOLATE RAIN WAS ABOUT RACIAL ISSUES, 303 00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:56,700 YOU KNOW, TH--THIS COULD BE 304 00:11:56,733 --> 00:11:58,403 KIND OF LIKE A POINT-COUNTERPOINT. 305 00:11:58,433 --> 00:12:00,373 VANILLA SUN IS A SONG THAT'S ABOUT GOOD THINGS 306 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,870 THAT WHITE PEOPLE BRING TO THE TABLE. 307 00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:04,070 * VANILLA SUN - THAT'S TOO IMPOLITIC. 308 00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:06,430 - * WHITE PEOPLE ARE REALLY NUMBER ONE * 309 00:12:06,467 --> 00:12:07,867 * VANILLA SUN 310 00:12:07,900 --> 00:12:09,700 - THAT IS--THAT IS JUST-- I'M NOT EVEN GONNA GO THERE. 311 00:12:09,733 --> 00:12:11,903 NOT TOUCHING THAT ONE WITH A TEN-FOOT POLE. 312 00:12:11,933 --> 00:12:13,403 - * LIFE WITHOUT WHITEY WOULD BE LESS FUN * 313 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:14,703 - THIS IS DANIEL BY HIMSELF. 314 00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:16,533 - * VANILLA SUN - DANIEL BY HIMSELF. 315 00:12:16,567 --> 00:12:18,127 - DID YOU GET INTO DRUGS AND ALCOHOL 316 00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:20,067 LIKE MOST SUCCESSFUL MUSICIANS? 317 00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:21,527 - I AM DRUG-FREE. 318 00:12:21,567 --> 00:12:23,697 - HOW ABOUT ANY, UH, ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN? 319 00:12:23,733 --> 00:12:25,403 - NOT THAT I KNOW OF. 320 00:12:25,433 --> 00:12:28,073 - WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER TO BE THE LOW POINT OF YOUR LIFE? 321 00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:31,827 - I DON'T HAVE ANY LOW POINTS. 322 00:12:31,867 --> 00:12:33,497 - TAY, IT'S BEEN GREAT GETTING TO KNOW YOU. 323 00:12:33,533 --> 00:12:34,603 - GREAT TO KNOW YOU, TOO. 324 00:12:34,633 --> 00:12:36,533 - BUT I THINK YOUR VOICE IS GOING TO WASTE. 325 00:12:36,567 --> 00:12:37,897 IT'S SO SEXY. 326 00:12:37,933 --> 00:12:40,733 YOU NEED TO BE SINGING SLOW, PANTY-DROPPER-TYPE MUSIC. 327 00:12:40,767 --> 00:12:43,197 THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY 328 00:12:43,233 --> 00:12:45,373 TO MAKE A MUSIC VIDEO WITH THE MOST IMPORTANT, 329 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:49,670 TALENTED, SUCCESSFUL, BLACKEST R&B GROUP OF ALL TIME. 330 00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:51,830 IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, 331 00:12:51,867 --> 00:12:53,467 TWO, ONE. 332 00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:56,730 AND NOW, THE WORLD PREMIERE OF CHOCOLATE RAIN... 333 00:12:56,767 --> 00:12:58,627 REMIX. 334 00:12:58,667 --> 00:12:59,727 [soft piano music] 335 00:12:59,767 --> 00:13:01,567 - BOYZ II MEN... 336 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,170 TAY ZONDAY... 337 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,500 D.D.T.... 338 00:13:05,533 --> 00:13:08,833 THE EAST COAST FAMILY. 339 00:13:08,867 --> 00:13:10,067 all: MM-HMM. 340 00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:11,400 [thunder booms] 341 00:13:11,433 --> 00:13:13,673 all: * CHOCOLATE RAIN 342 00:13:13,700 --> 00:13:15,070 - * OH, OH 343 00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:16,897 - * SOME STAY DRY, AND OTHERS FEEL THE PAIN * 344 00:13:16,933 --> 00:13:18,603 * CHOCOLATE RAIN 345 00:13:18,633 --> 00:13:20,173 - * CHOCOLATE RAIN 346 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,370 - * A BABY BORN WILL DIE BEFORE THEY SIN * 347 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:25,230 * CHOCOLATE RAIN 348 00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:26,667 - * OH OH 349 00:13:26,700 --> 00:13:28,730 - * THE SCHOOLBOOKS SAY IT CAN'T BE HERE AGAIN * 350 00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,167 * CHOCOLATE RAIN 351 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,500 - * CHOCOLATE RAIN 352 00:13:31,533 --> 00:13:34,603 - * THE PRISONS MAKE YOU WONDER WHERE IT WENT * 353 00:13:34,633 --> 00:13:36,733 * CHOCOLATE RAIN 354 00:13:36,767 --> 00:13:38,227 - * OH OH 355 00:13:38,267 --> 00:13:40,367 - * MADE ME CROSS THE STREET THE OTHER DAY * 356 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:41,830 * CHOCOLATE RAIN 357 00:13:41,867 --> 00:13:43,067 - * CHOCOLATE RAIN 358 00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:44,827 - * MADE YOU TURN YOUR HEAD 359 00:13:44,867 --> 00:13:46,467 * THE OTHER WAY 360 00:13:46,500 --> 00:13:47,730 * HEY GIRL 361 00:13:47,767 --> 00:13:50,397 * I JUST WANNA LAY YOU DOWN BY THE FIRE * 362 00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:52,703 * AND WARM THAT BODY RIGHT UP * 363 00:13:52,733 --> 00:13:54,473 * 'CAUSE I JUST WATCHED THE NEWS * 364 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:57,530 * AND THE FORECAST CALLS FOR CHOCOLATE RAIN * 365 00:13:57,567 --> 00:14:00,567 * 100% CACAO, BABY 366 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,500 - * 100% 367 00:14:02,533 --> 00:14:03,603 * CACAO 368 00:14:03,633 --> 00:14:05,703 - * CHOCOLATE RAIN 369 00:14:05,733 --> 00:14:08,273 * HEY-EY HEY-EY-EY 370 00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:10,070 - [wailing] 371 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:15,130 - * CHOCOLATE RAIN 372 00:14:15,167 --> 00:14:16,767 - * CHOCOLATE RAIN 373 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,100 - * THAT CHOCOLATE RAIN 374 00:14:18,133 --> 00:14:19,503 - * YEAH, YEAH, CHOCOLATE 375 00:14:19,533 --> 00:14:23,073 * YEAH, THE CHOCOLATE RAIN 376 00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:25,100 * YEAH, YEAH, CHOCOLATE 377 00:14:25,133 --> 00:14:27,833 * YEAH, THE CHOCOLATE RAIN 378 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,297 - * THAT CHOCOLATE RAIN 379 00:14:30,333 --> 00:14:34,303 - * YEAH, YEAH, CHOCOLATE, YEAH, THE CHOCOLATE RAIN * 380 00:14:34,333 --> 00:14:36,073 - * IS IT HERSHEY? 381 00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:37,127 - * IS IT NESTLE? 382 00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:39,097 - * CHOCOLATE RAIN 383 00:14:39,133 --> 00:14:41,433 * HA HA HA 384 00:14:41,467 --> 00:14:44,097 - ALL RIGHT, WHO'S NEXT? 385 00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,633 - OH, NO, I'M GOOD. 386 00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:48,097 - I JUST LIKE TO WATCH. 387 00:14:48,133 --> 00:14:50,603 - I'LL GO. WORD. 388 00:14:50,633 --> 00:14:51,833 [applause] 389 00:14:51,867 --> 00:14:53,397 - BEFORE I HAD A SHOW, 390 00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:55,273 I WOULD JUST LISTEN TO BOYZ II MEN 391 00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:57,070 WHILE I HAD INTERRACIAL SEX. 392 00:14:57,067 --> 00:14:59,397 NOW THEY WATCH ME. 393 00:14:59,433 --> 00:15:02,373 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST, FAT FAULT. 394 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:05,900 [people cheering] 395 00:15:05,933 --> 00:15:07,873 - GO, ELTON! 396 00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:11,700 - LET'S GO, ELTON! 397 00:15:11,733 --> 00:15:14,603 [laughter and cheers] - YEAH! 398 00:15:14,633 --> 00:15:17,133 [applause] 399 00:15:19,733 --> 00:15:22,303 - [grunting] 400 00:15:22,333 --> 00:15:25,303 [heavy metal music playing] 401 00:15:25,333 --> 00:15:30,633 * 402 00:15:30,667 --> 00:15:34,927 - SUMMER OF EXPOSED ARMS-- I FEEL YA. 403 00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:36,667 I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A REAL FIGHT BEFORE, 404 00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:37,970 AND I WANTED MY FIRST FIGHT 405 00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:39,827 TO BE WITH THE POUND-FOR-POUND GREATEST BOXER 406 00:15:39,867 --> 00:15:41,167 IN THE WORLD, MANNY PACQUIAO. 407 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,970 I DIDN'T THINK A 140-POUND, ADORABLE LITTLE FILIPINO 408 00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:47,197 COULD DO ANY REAL DAMAGE TO THIS FLAWLESS FACE. 409 00:15:47,233 --> 00:15:48,903 EVERYBODY THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY TO ALLOW HIM 410 00:15:48,933 --> 00:15:51,133 TO PUNCH ME ONE TIME, SQUARE IN THE JAW. 411 00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,727 YEAH, CRAZY LIKE A FOX. 412 00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:56,727 [hip-hop music] 413 00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:58,327 * 414 00:15:58,367 --> 00:16:00,097 WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN? 415 00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:01,473 - YOU COULD DIE. 416 00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:03,630 - HOW DO YOU GET INTO THE RING? THAT'S MY FIRST PROBLEM. 417 00:16:03,667 --> 00:16:05,227 - YOU GOT TO GO THROUGH THE ROPES. 418 00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:07,867 - I'M GOING UNDER 'EM. 419 00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:13,770 ARE RHINESTONES LEGAL? 420 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:17,200 - [laughing] 421 00:16:17,233 --> 00:16:19,203 WHERE'S THE CONTRACT THAT SAYS IF I DIE, 422 00:16:19,233 --> 00:16:21,103 I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO ANYBODY? 423 00:16:21,133 --> 00:16:24,873 - MAKE SURE THAT HE SIGN THE CONTRACT. 424 00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,070 - ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS? 425 00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:27,397 - NO, OF COURSE I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. 426 00:16:27,433 --> 00:16:28,633 IS THERE ANY CHANCE I WIN? 427 00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:31,067 I'M--NO, NO. I'M KIDDING. 428 00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:33,827 YOU BITE ON THIS? - YEAH, BITE DOWN. 429 00:16:33,867 --> 00:16:36,727 - LIKE THIS? - YEAH, ENGH. 430 00:16:36,767 --> 00:16:37,727 - I'M ACTUALLY--NOW I'M-- 431 00:16:37,767 --> 00:16:40,897 NOW I'M SCARED [bleep]LESS. 432 00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:44,333 LET'S GO, MANNY. 433 00:16:44,367 --> 00:16:45,667 [audience ohs] 434 00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:47,600 [bleep]! 435 00:16:47,633 --> 00:16:49,633 - THAT'S GOOD. 436 00:16:53,233 --> 00:16:55,203 [audience ohs] 437 00:16:55,233 --> 00:17:02,933 * 438 00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:22,967 [applause] 439 00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:25,067 [laughter] 440 00:17:29,333 --> 00:17:30,503 - SEE, MAYWEATHER? 441 00:17:30,533 --> 00:17:33,673 THAT'S HOW A MAN BEHAVES. 442 00:17:33,700 --> 00:17:34,800 AS MANY OF YOU KNOW, 443 00:17:34,833 --> 00:17:36,203 TOSH.0 IS GOING TO TAPE AN EPISODE 444 00:17:36,233 --> 00:17:37,903 FROM A COLLEGE CAMPUS THIS YEAR. 445 00:17:37,933 --> 00:17:39,573 AND I ASKED YOU TO SEND IN VIDEOS 446 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,500 EXPLAINING WHY WE SHOULD VISIT YOUR SCHOOL. 447 00:17:41,533 --> 00:17:43,073 SO FAR, OUR FAVORITE COMES TO US 448 00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:44,527 FROM BOWLING GREEN STATE. 449 00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:45,867 - HI, THERE, DANIEL. 450 00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:48,070 HERE AT B.G.S.U., WE'RE CELEBRATING 100 YEARS 451 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,127 OF HIGHER EDUCATION, 452 00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:50,667 AND WE WANT YOU TO CELEBRATE WITH US. 453 00:17:50,700 --> 00:17:52,670 [inspiring music] 454 00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:56,900 - I CHOSE TO COME TO B.G. FOR THE DIVERSE STUDENT BODY. 455 00:17:56,933 --> 00:18:02,103 - BOWLING GREEN STATE UNIVERSITY CELEBRATES DIVERSITY. 456 00:18:02,133 --> 00:18:04,603 - DIVERSITY, INDEED. 457 00:18:04,633 --> 00:18:07,403 BUT DON'T BE DISCOURAGED. I HAVEN'T MADE MY DECISION YET. 458 00:18:07,433 --> 00:18:09,073 SO GO TO OUR BLOG, AND UPLOAD YOUR VIDEO 459 00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:11,627 EXPLAINING WHY YOUR SCHOOL DESERVES ME THE MOST. 460 00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:13,167 AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, WHY NOT TAKE A SHOT 461 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,770 AT BEING OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK? 462 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,670 THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US FROM FUNNYSHORTS.COM. 463 00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:20,767 - BLESS YOU. 464 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:21,770 - WHAT? 465 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:22,900 AH-CHOO! 466 00:18:22,933 --> 00:18:26,703 [Baroque music] 467 00:18:26,733 --> 00:18:29,233 - OOH! I GOT A PREDICTION. 468 00:18:29,267 --> 00:18:31,267 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE SPORTSDOME. 469 00:18:39,267 --> 00:18:43,767 [cheers and applause] 470 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:45,500 - WELCOME BACK. 471 00:18:45,533 --> 00:18:46,973 I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT 472 00:18:47,067 --> 00:18:49,627 THAT I'M STILL HOSTING A TV SHOW IN A TANK TOP. 473 00:18:49,667 --> 00:18:51,927 THAT IS A 30-MINUTE JOKE THAT IS NOT WORKING. 474 00:18:51,967 --> 00:18:53,197 [laughter] 475 00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:55,403 AND STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW MUCH TIME WE TAKE OFF. 476 00:18:55,433 --> 00:18:56,773 WE DO 30 EPISODES A YEAR. 477 00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:59,900 IF WE DID ALL THE SHOWS AT ONCE, I'D GET SICK OF YOU. 478 00:19:00,067 --> 00:19:02,067 NEXT WEEK'S SHOW, EVEN BETTER, 479 00:19:02,067 --> 00:19:04,497 "BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE" GETS A WEB REDEMPTION. 480 00:19:04,533 --> 00:19:06,673 - IT SEEMS LESS... 481 00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:07,870 WEEK PLAYER ON... 482 00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:10,500 IT SEEMS EVERY WEEK THAT YOU HAVE A PLAYER-- 483 00:19:10,533 --> 00:19:12,473 [whispering] I'M SORRY. 484 00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:14,070 [normal voice] LATER HE GETS THE REBOUND, 485 00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:15,697 PASSES IT TO THE MAN, SHOOTS IT, 486 00:19:15,733 --> 00:19:17,333 AND BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE. 487 00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:20,067 - [whispering] I'M SO SORRY. 488 00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:22,400 IT TOOK US TWO YEARS TO CONVINCE HIM TO COME ON THE SHOW, 489 00:19:22,433 --> 00:19:24,173 AND I'M STILL NOT SURE IT WAS WORTH IT. 490 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,900 HEY, BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER 491 00:19:25,933 --> 00:19:27,373 SO WE CAN LIVE-CHAT DURING THE SHOWS. 492 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,970 KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG OVER AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM. 493 00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:31,167 AND GET READY. 494 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,200 MAY 20TH, TICKETS GO ON SALE 495 00:19:33,233 --> 00:19:34,873 FOR MY NEW TOSH TOUR ON ICE. 496 00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:37,430 "HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU WANT, DANIEL?" 497 00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:38,727 I DON'T KNOW. 498 00:19:38,767 --> 00:19:40,697 BUT THIS ONE INCLUDES CANADA AND U.S. 499 00:19:40,733 --> 00:19:42,873 OH, THAT IS AN INTERNATIONAL TOUR. 500 00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:44,200 IS MY PASSPORT VALID? 501 00:19:44,233 --> 00:19:46,273 WE'LL FIND OUT. 502 00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:49,200 HEY, IF YOU CAN'T MAKE IT THERE, MAY 29TH I'M IN VEGAS. 503 00:19:49,233 --> 00:19:50,603 I DO HAVE SOME SAD NEWS TO REPORT 504 00:19:50,633 --> 00:19:52,133 FROM THE TOSH.0 FAMILY. 505 00:19:52,167 --> 00:19:53,467 OVER THE BREAK, ONE OF OUR WRITERS 506 00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:55,230 LOST HIS GRANDMA. 507 00:19:55,267 --> 00:19:56,427 [audience aws] 508 00:19:56,467 --> 00:19:57,427 SAVE YOUR PITY. 509 00:19:57,467 --> 00:19:58,597 HE MADE OUT LIKE A BANDIT 510 00:19:58,633 --> 00:20:00,773 ON OUR OFFICE-WIDE GRANDMA DEATH POOL. 511 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,730 JUST IN CASE YOUR OFFICE DOESN'T HAVE ONE, 512 00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:04,067 HERE'S HOW IT WORKS. 513 00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:06,300 EVERYONE WITH A LIVING GRANDMA PAYS IN A DOLLAR A DAY 514 00:20:06,333 --> 00:20:07,873 UNTIL ONE OF THEM DIES. 515 00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:10,170 JIM GOT SUPER LUCKY WHEN HIS GRANDMA CROAKED 516 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:11,470 AT DAY 214. 517 00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:12,700 SO HE WON THE POT. 518 00:20:12,733 --> 00:20:15,533 AN AUTOPSY WAS NOT PERFORMED. 519 00:20:15,567 --> 00:20:17,867 SO I SUSPECT FOUL PLAY. 520 00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:19,770 IT'S NOT ALL GOOD NEWS FOR JIM, THOUGH. 521 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,170 HE'S ONE OF TWO PEOPLE ON THIS SHOW 522 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,230 WHO COMES FROM ALABAMA, AND THE CRAZY THING IS, 523 00:20:23,267 --> 00:20:24,597 THEY'RE ACTUALLY PROUD OF IT. 524 00:20:24,633 --> 00:20:26,473 I FIND THAT EXTREMELY ANNOYING. 525 00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:28,170 SO I CONSTANTLY MAKE THEM WRITE JOKES 526 00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,000 ABOUT HOW STUPID THEIR STATE IS. 527 00:20:30,033 --> 00:20:31,933 THE PROBLEM IS, 'BAMA JUST GOT ITS ASS KICKED 528 00:20:31,967 --> 00:20:33,197 BY A TORNADO. 529 00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:35,873 APPARENTLY, GOD HATES NICK SABAN EVEN MORE THAN I DO. 530 00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:37,830 BUT I REFUSE TO LET A NATURAL DISASTER 531 00:20:37,867 --> 00:20:40,267 DESTROY ALABAMA-- THAT'S MY JOB. 532 00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:41,500 SO I'M ASKING YOU TO HELP GET 533 00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:43,573 THAT OVERWEIGHT, RACIST STATE BACK ON ITS FEET 534 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:46,430 SO WE CAN CONTINUE TO MAKE FUN OF IT. 535 00:20:46,467 --> 00:20:48,597 TO MAKE A $10 DONATION TO THE TORNADO VICTIMS, 536 00:20:48,633 --> 00:20:51,303 TEXT "REDCROSS" TO 90999. 537 00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:54,333 COME ON, YOU GUYS, LET'S HELP THE SOUTH RISE AGAIN. 538 00:20:54,367 --> 00:20:56,297 SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. GOOD NIGHT. 539 00:20:56,333 --> 00:20:58,033 YOU'RE OUT. YOU'RE OUT. 540 00:20:58,067 --> 00:21:01,097 [cheers and applause] 541 00:21:01,133 --> 00:21:04,133 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com 542 00:21:13,167 --> 00:21:14,597 - I'M ACTUALLY ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE. 543 00:21:14,633 --> 00:21:15,733 - MM. MM. - BUT, YOU KNOW... 544 00:21:15,767 --> 00:21:17,727 I GOT A CHOCOLATY FEELING WHEN I HEARD IT. 545 00:21:17,767 --> 00:21:21,897 - I WAS QUITE, YOU KNOW, INTRIGUED BY HIS WHOLE AURA. 546 00:21:21,933 --> 00:21:26,903 IT WAS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN, LIKE, HORNY AND SCARED. 547 00:21:26,933 --> 00:21:29,233 - ARE YOU [bleep] SERIOUS, DUDE? - [snickers] 548 00:21:29,267 --> 00:21:31,127 - OH, WHITE CHOCOLATE'S MOST DEFINITELY RACIST, 549 00:21:31,167 --> 00:21:32,267 WITHOUT A DOUBT. 550 00:21:32,300 --> 00:21:33,570 'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW YOU HAVE, LIKE, 551 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,830 BLACK CHOCOLATE, WHITE CHOCOLATE, 552 00:21:35,867 --> 00:21:37,267 BLACK GROUPS, WHITE GROUPS? 553 00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:39,070 YOU KNOW HOW THEY COME AND THEY KIND OF STEAL EVERYTHING? 554 00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:40,300 - WHITE FOLKS CAN'T LET US HAVE NOTHING. 555 00:21:40,333 --> 00:21:41,633 - CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR THE NEXT SINGLE, BRO. 38945

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