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[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
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[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
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>> THANK YOU.
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THE SOUTH MAY HAVE TO POSTPONE
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RISING AGAIN.
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WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
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SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW THE FOUL
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BALL COUPLE GETS A WEB
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REDEMPTION.
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I SKYPE WITH THE WORLD'S
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FOREMOST AUTHORITY ON CANDLES.
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AND I HONOR THE MEMORY OF THE
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INTERNET STARS WHO PASSED AWAY
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THIS YEAR.
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SHUT UP!
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[LAUGHTER]
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ALRIGHT.
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LET'S SEE IF HE CLEARS IT THIS
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TIME.
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HIS GPS IS GIVING HIM BAD
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DIRECTIONS.
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YOU SHORTED IT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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IS THAT COVERED UNDER THE POWER
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TRAIN WARRANTY?
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DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT A POWER
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TRAIN IS?
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NOT SURPRISED THE FIRST MEDIC ON
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THE SCENE IS WEARING A TANK TOP.
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[LAUGHTER]
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"LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, STATE
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FARM IS THERE."
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WITH A NEW SET OF TEETH AND A
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CHIROPRACTOR, WITH A HUGE RACK,
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AND A GROUPON SO IT'S
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AFFORDABLE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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ARE YOU LIKE ME?
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DO YOU EVER LAY AWAKE LATE AT
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NIGHT AND WISH YOUR PENIS WAS
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RECHARGEABLE?
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[LAUGHTER]
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BEN FRANKLIN IS A PUSSY.
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OKAY, LET ME REMIND EVERYONE
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THAT THIS SHOW IS INTENDED FOR A
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MATURE AUDIENCE.
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OKAY.
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DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
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NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE
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CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY
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COMMENTS I CAN MAKE.
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THAT IS THE WORST GLADE PLUG-IN
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EVER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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A FOIL CONDOM?
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AH, I HOPE HIS GIRLFRIEND
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DOESN'T HAVE FILLINGS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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HIS WIENER JUST TRAVELED BACK IN
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TIME.
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[LAUGHTER]
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IF HE TRIED THAT IN EUROPE, HE'D
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NEED TO USE AN ADAPTOR.
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I'VE STUCK MY JUNK IN MORE
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DANGEROUS HOLES THAN THAT TODAY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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NOW GO TEABAG THE TOASTER.
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I PUNISH MY STAFF THE SAME WAY
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WHENEVER THEY DON'T LAUGH AT MY
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JOKES.
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[LAUGHTER]
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BY NOT SHOWING THE ENTIRE CLIP,
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I CAN LEGALLY SAY THAT THEIR
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PENISES DIDN'T GET SHOCKED.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I WILL SAY THAT WE WERE A LITTLE
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TOO GENEROUS WITH THE FOIL ON
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SOME OF THOSE GUYS.
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IT WAS SO HARD TO GET IT TO STAY
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ON ONE OF THEM.
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[LAUGHTER]
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HE'S LIKE, "I'M NERVOUS.
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IT GETS SMALL WHEN I'M NERVOUS."
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[LAUGHTER]
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ALRIGHT.
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WANT TO SEE THE GOLD MEDAL OF
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HORRIFIC LANDINGS?
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THE STANDARD DEDUCTION FOR
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EXPLODED ANKLES IS 3/10.
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[LAUGHTER]
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MAYBE NOW SHE'LL GIVE UP ON HER
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STUPID DREAMS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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DON'T WORRY KATIE, DEREK FISHER
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HAS THAT DONE TO HIM AT LEAST
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TWICE A GAME.
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[LAUGHTER]
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THIS IS WHY I NEVER HUNG OUT
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WITH ROSS FROM "FRIENDS."
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REMEMBER, WHEN HE HAD MONKEYS AS
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A PET?
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THAT'S THE WORST SEGUE OF THE
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YEAR.
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[LAUGHTER]
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TAG, YOU HAVE AIDS.
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NO BACKSIES!
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[LAUGHTER]
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DON'T START A JOB IF YOU'RE NOT
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WILLING TO FINISH IT, MONKEYS.
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LEAVE'EM DOWN!
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YOU COULD USE SOME COLOR ON THAT
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OLD HOG.
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CHECK OUT THIS NEW INVENTION.
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>> ALL RIGHT.
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THIS IS A SHAVING HELMET.
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MOUNTED ON AN ALUMINUM RAILS.
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HAS TWO SERVOS.
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>>
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HOW MANY MACHS IS THAT?
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NOW I KNOW WHAT TO BUY THE
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SKINHEAD WHO HAS EVERYTHING.
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>> OH, WOW!
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[BLEEP]!
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>> OKAY.
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I WANT TO TAKE A LITTLE OFF THE
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TOP.
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>> OKAY.
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I CAN DEFINITELY FEEL IT.
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ISN'T SO BAD.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> OKAY.
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DEFINITELY NICKED ME THERE.
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YEAH.
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YEAH.
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IT'S WORKING, BUT -- BUT -- THIS
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IS DEFINITELY BETTER THAN
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WAITING IN LINE AT A SALON.
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YOU KNOW?
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YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL
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THE -- NONSENSE.
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>> THE GOOD NEWS, I NO LONGER
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NEED TO GET THAT MOLE ON THE TOP
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OF MY HEAD CHECKED OUT.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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GET OFF MY ROOF, I'M TRYING TO
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GROW A TAIL IN HERE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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LET'S FIND OUT IF THIS TURD
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FLOATS OR SINKS IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
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THIS IS AT THE PREAKNESS STAKES,
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WHICH IS THE KENTUCKY DERBY'S
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INBRED COUSIN.
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NO FLOPPY HATS OR MINT JULEPS
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HERE, JUST KEYSTONE LIGHT AND
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JEAN SHORTS.
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THIS IS WHERE THE REAL RACISTS
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GO.
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[LAUGHTER]
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CLETUS IS ABOUT TO PARTAKE IN
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ONE OF THEIR OLDEST TRADITIONS,
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THE CRAP-DASH, THE POOP SCOOT,
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THE DIARRHEA DERBY, THE KENTUCKY
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DOOKEY.
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WHATEVER YOU CALL IT.
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THE STAKES ARE HIGH.
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PLACE YOUR BETS!
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HE STUMBLES OUT OF THE GATE.
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HE IS DEFINITELY NOT A MUDDER.
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HIS MUDDER WAS A MUDDER.
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AND DOWN THE STRETCH HE COMES!
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LOOKS HE JUST CAUGHT A WHIFF
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FROM THAT [BLEEP] CHIMNEY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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GETTING PELTED WITH BEER CANS ON
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TOP OF A PORTA-POTTY IS STILL
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BETTER THAN SETTING FOOT INSIDE
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OF ONE.
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THIS IS THE MOST DIFFICULT PART
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OF THE RACE, THE JUMP.
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SHOULD BE EASY TO CLEAR A SIX
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FOOT GAP WHEN YOU'VE BUILT UP NO
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SPEED WHATSOEVER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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SO CLOSE!
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THAT WAS A PHOTO FINISH.
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I THINK HE MISSED IT BY A NOSE,
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WHICH SUCKS BECAUSE I HAD HIM IN
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MY QUINELLA BOX.
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IS HE DRUNK OR JUST WHITE?
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[LAUGHTER]
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PUT A BULLET IN HIM.
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HIS RACING CAREER IS OVER.
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OH, LOOK AT THIS, STEPHON
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MARBURY PAYS HIS LAST RESPECTS
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BY CHECKING HIS POCKETS FOR BEER
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TICKETS, AND FOR THAT, WE THANK
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YOU.
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[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
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FOUL BALL COUPLE, BUT FIRST
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THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR STILL
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HAVING A LANDLINE.
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**
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[BLEEP], [BLEEP], GOD DAMMIT.
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SOMEBODY IS DEFINITELY DEAD.
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[BLEEP]
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>> HELLO?
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>> [BLEEP] YOU.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> GOD DAMMIT.
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[BLEEP] MY [BLEEP].
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>> OH, MY!
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YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
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>> DON'T WORRY.
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HER FACE WAS ALREADY KINDA
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BUSTED.
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[LAUGHTER]
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WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT A
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GLOVE INSTEAD OF A GIRLFRIEND.
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THAT'S BO AND SARAH, AND WHEN A
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FOUL BALL CAME SCREAMING TOWARDS
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THE CHEAP SEATS, HE DID THE
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SMART THING AND MOVED OUT OF THE
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WAY.
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IT'S NOT HIS FAULT HER REFLEXES
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SUCK.
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HE WAS ACTUALLY BEING
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CONSIDERATE OF HER NEEDS.
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HE WOULD HAVE BROKEN HIS HAND
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TRYING TO CATCH IT AND NOT BEEN
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ABLE TO PLEASURE HER LATER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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SORRY IF HE DIDN'T JUMP AT THE
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CHANCE TO TAKE A LINE DRIVE TO
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THE DOME.
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HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND, NOT YOUR
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BODYGUARD.
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WE ALREADY HAVE TO OPEN DOORS,
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PULL OUT CHAIRS, CARRY YOUR
243
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STUFF, KEEP PROMISES, LIE ABOUT
244
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OUR PAST, TRY NOT TO STARE AT
245
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YOUR SISTER'S BOOBS, LISTEN TO
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YOUR AWFUL, POINTLESS STORIES,
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AND PRETEND WE DON'T THINK YOUR
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FRIENDS ARE EVEN MORE ANNOYING
249
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THAN YOU ARE.
250
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YOU WANT US TO CUT UP YOUR FOOD
251
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TOO, YOU LAZY BITCH?
252
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[LAUGHTER]
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SORRY.
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THAT WAS GETTING TOO CLOSE TO
255
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HOME.
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[LAUGHTER]
257
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IN THE OLD DAYS, BEFORE WOMEN
258
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KNEW ABOUT LATERAL MOVEMENT, MEN
259
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HAD TO LAY THEIR JACKET DOWN
260
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OVER PUDDLES.
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OH REALLY?
262
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YOU THINK I'M NOT GOING TO RUIN
263
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MY LULU LEMON JUST SO YOU CAN
264
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KEEP ONE OF YOUR 90 PAIRS OF
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SHOES CLEAN.
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LADIES, CHIVALRY ONLY EXISTS IN
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TRAIN SONGS.
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IT ISN'T DEAD.
269
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IT'S JUST TAKING A VACATION
270
00:09:03,633 --> 00:09:04,373
WHILE YOU FIGURE OUT THAT BEING
271
00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:06,297
EQUAL BLOWS.
272
00:09:06,300 --> 00:09:08,400
RAPPERS HAVE THE RIGHT IDEA.
273
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:09,430
FORGET ALL THE FORMALITIES AND
274
00:09:09,433 --> 00:09:10,073
POUR CRISTAL ON BITCHES'
275
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:11,067
TITTIES.
276
00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:11,727
THAT'S WHAT THEY REALLY WANT
277
00:09:11,733 --> 00:09:13,233
ANYWAY.
278
00:09:13,233 --> 00:09:14,833
BEING A GENTLEMAN IS SIMPLE.
279
00:09:14,833 --> 00:09:16,673
JUST TRY NOT TO FINISH FIRST.
280
00:09:16,667 --> 00:09:20,097
TRY.
281
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,130
THE TRUTH IS, I'M A ROMANTIC.
282
00:09:21,133 --> 00:09:22,203
BO AND SARAH'S RELATIONSHIP
283
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,330
LOOKS LIKE IT'S IN TROUBLE.
284
00:09:24,333 --> 00:09:25,073
THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT THEM OUT
285
00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:25,897
FOR A LITTLE SPRING TRAINING IN
286
00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:28,570
THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
287
00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:31,527
[APPLAUSE]
288
00:09:31,533 --> 00:09:33,403
>> WELCOME TO COUPLES
289
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:33,800
COUNSELLING.
290
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:34,530
TELL ME ABOUT THAT DATE.
291
00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:36,233
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
292
00:09:36,233 --> 00:09:37,833
>> THEY HIT THE FOUL BALL.
293
00:09:37,833 --> 00:09:39,433
I SAW IT COMING FAST.
294
00:09:39,433 --> 00:09:40,373
I LOST IT.
295
00:09:40,367 --> 00:09:42,627
I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO HIT ME
296
00:09:42,633 --> 00:09:43,673
IN THE FACE.
297
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:45,197
>> WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE SAY ABOUT
298
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:45,670
YOU?
299
00:09:45,667 --> 00:09:50,227
>> PEOPLE SAY I WOULD HAVE TAKEN
300
00:09:50,233 --> 00:09:50,503
IT.
301
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:51,270
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
302
00:09:51,267 --> 00:09:52,667
>> EVERY MAN IS FOR HIMSELF IS
303
00:09:52,667 --> 00:09:53,197
WHAT I SAW.
304
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:53,700
>> YEAH.
305
00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:55,400
>> HOW IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP
306
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:55,700
GOING?
307
00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:57,330
>> NOT SO WELL RIGHT NOW.
308
00:09:57,333 --> 00:09:58,903
>> ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER?
309
00:09:58,900 --> 00:09:59,470
>> NO.
310
00:09:59,467 --> 00:10:02,127
>> HOW LONG WERE YOU GUYS DATE
311
00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:02,533
SOMETHING.
312
00:10:02,533 --> 00:10:03,273
>> FIVE, FOUR --
313
00:10:03,267 --> 00:10:03,927
>> SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
314
00:10:03,933 --> 00:10:05,203
>> WAS IT GOING WELL?
315
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,370
>> WE HAD OUR UPS AND DOWNS.
316
00:10:08,367 --> 00:10:10,227
>> WAS THAT DAY AN UP OR DOWN?
317
00:10:10,233 --> 00:10:11,773
>> I THINK IT WAS AN UP.
318
00:10:11,767 --> 00:10:13,267
>> DID YOU GET IN A FIGHT LATER
319
00:10:13,267 --> 00:10:15,397
THAT NIGHT OVER IT OR --
320
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:15,900
>> NO.
321
00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:18,830
>> DID YOU GET LUCKY THAT NIGHT?
322
00:10:18,833 --> 00:10:19,373
>> YEAH.
323
00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:21,297
>> AFTER FIVE MONTHS, YOU'RE
324
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,630
STILL INTO IT?
325
00:10:22,633 --> 00:10:23,603
DO YOU GUYS STILL TALK?
326
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:24,500
>> NOT REALLY.
327
00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:25,730
>> DO YOU STILL HAVE SEX?
328
00:10:25,733 --> 00:10:26,233
>> YEAH.
329
00:10:26,233 --> 00:10:26,873
ALL THE TIME.
330
00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:27,397
>> NO.
331
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:28,100
THAT'S A LIE.
332
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:29,970
>> LAST NIGHT WE DID.
333
00:10:29,967 --> 00:10:31,867
>> YOU DID HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT?
334
00:10:31,867 --> 00:10:34,997
>> HE'S SUCH A LIAR.
335
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,230
HE'S SO FULL OF [BLEEP].
336
00:10:36,233 --> 00:10:37,133
>> PLEASE, WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE
337
00:10:37,133 --> 00:10:37,773
IN MY OFFICE.
338
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:39,697
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH A BLACK
339
00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:40,030
WOMAN?
340
00:10:40,033 --> 00:10:41,233
>> NO.
341
00:10:41,233 --> 00:10:44,033
BUT I WOULD BE WITH A
342
00:10:44,033 --> 00:10:44,733
LIGHT-SKINNED BLACK WOMAN.
343
00:10:44,733 --> 00:10:46,873
>> SARAH, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
344
00:10:46,867 --> 00:10:47,997
WITH A BLACK MAN?
345
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,970
>> HALF BLACK TWINS.
346
00:10:49,967 --> 00:10:51,197
>> AT THE SAME TIME.
347
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,470
>> THAT'S A LIE, RIGHT?
348
00:10:52,467 --> 00:10:53,667
I WANT TO BELIEVE IT.
349
00:10:53,667 --> 00:10:55,027
I WANT TO BELIEVE IT.
350
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:55,533
IT'S TRUE!
351
00:10:55,533 --> 00:10:56,133
>> IT'S TRUE.
352
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,003
>> IT'S A LIE.
353
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,000
>> ARE YOU DATING SOMEONE?
354
00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,030
>> I DO.
355
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,603
I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER
356
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:00,870
NOW.
357
00:11:00,867 --> 00:11:02,797
>> WHY?
358
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:06,100
DOES HE HAVE GOOD HANDS?
359
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,470
>> WHAT?
360
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:08,327
>> CAN HE CATCH?
361
00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:11,233
>> HE HAS PRETTY EYES.
362
00:11:11,233 --> 00:11:12,073
HE'S TANNED SKIN.
363
00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:13,167
HE'S A DENTIST.
364
00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:15,827
>> I DON'T LIKE THIS NEW GUY SO
365
00:11:15,833 --> 00:11:16,103
FAR.
366
00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:16,530
I DON'T KNOW.
367
00:11:16,533 --> 00:11:18,873
HE HAS GREEN EYES, FIRST OF ALL.
368
00:11:18,867 --> 00:11:21,127
IS THAT FROM KAY JEWELERS?
369
00:11:21,133 --> 00:11:22,373
>> FROM TIFFANY'S.
370
00:11:22,367 --> 00:11:23,067
>> TIFFANY'S?
371
00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:23,727
>> YEAH.
372
00:11:23,733 --> 00:11:27,073
>> BO, YOU'RE STARTING TO LOSE
373
00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:27,967
NOW.
374
00:11:27,967 --> 00:11:29,097
>> HOW OLD IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
375
00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:30,270
>> 17.
376
00:11:30,267 --> 00:11:31,067
>> 15?
377
00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:32,467
>> SEE WHAT HAPPENED ON THAT
378
00:11:32,467 --> 00:11:32,767
ONE?
379
00:11:32,767 --> 00:11:34,627
I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS 15.
380
00:11:34,633 --> 00:11:35,903
[LAUGHTER]
381
00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:36,770
>> THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
382
00:11:36,767 --> 00:11:38,597
>> SHE HAD A FAKE I.D. AND
383
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:39,330
EVERYTHING.
384
00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:39,703
TATTOOS.
385
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:40,930
>> SO YOU CARDED HER?
386
00:11:40,933 --> 00:11:42,173
>> NO, I DIDN'T.
387
00:11:42,167 --> 00:11:44,067
SHE USED TO GO TO A CLUB WITH
388
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:44,297
ME.
389
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:46,130
LIKE 18 AND UP TO GET IN.
390
00:11:46,133 --> 00:11:47,173
I NEVER THOUGHT NOTHING LIKE
391
00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:47,467
THAT.
392
00:11:47,467 --> 00:11:49,527
>> IS THERE ANY SCENARIO, SARAH,
393
00:11:49,533 --> 00:11:54,303
WHERE YOU CAN SEE YOURSELF
394
00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:55,300
TAKING BO BACK?
395
00:11:55,300 --> 00:11:55,900
>> MAYBE.
396
00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:58,200
>> WHAT WOULD SARAH HAVE TO DO
397
00:11:58,200 --> 00:11:58,770
TO TAKE YOU BACK?
398
00:11:58,767 --> 00:12:00,397
>> SHE WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE A
399
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,200
LOT OF THINGS.
400
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,330
WE WOULD HAVE TO GET ALONG MORE.
401
00:12:03,333 --> 00:12:04,373
STOP FIGHTING.
402
00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:05,497
>> I'M NOT CHANGING.
403
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:07,070
>> SEE, WHAT WOULD I TELL YOU?
404
00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:08,367
>> I WOULD, I GUESS.
405
00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:09,927
>> WHAT DO YOU MISS ABOUT EACH
406
00:12:09,933 --> 00:12:10,273
OTHER?
407
00:12:10,267 --> 00:12:12,067
>> THE PERSONALITY.
408
00:12:12,067 --> 00:12:13,327
YOU'RE PRETTY SMILE.
409
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,433
>> NOW, BO, SAY SOMETHING NICE
410
00:12:15,433 --> 00:12:18,403
ABOUT SARAH.
411
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:19,870
DON'T LOOK AT HER BOOBS.
412
00:12:19,867 --> 00:12:22,227
>> I'M TRYING TO THINK OF
413
00:12:22,233 --> 00:12:22,603
SOMETHING.
414
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:23,470
HANG ON.
415
00:12:23,467 --> 00:12:28,467
[LAUGHTER]
416
00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:30,227
>> I REALLY DON'T.
417
00:12:30,233 --> 00:12:31,833
>> COME ON, SAY SOMETHING NICE
418
00:12:31,833 --> 00:12:33,433
ABOUT HER.
419
00:12:33,433 --> 00:12:34,333
>> I DON'T --
420
00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:35,733
>> THIS ISN'T WORKING.
421
00:12:35,733 --> 00:12:37,073
WE HAVE TO GO TO SOMETHING MUCH
422
00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:38,067
MORE EXTREME.
423
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,327
SOMETHING I DON'T NORMALLY DO ON
424
00:12:40,333 --> 00:12:42,573
A FIRST SESSION.
425
00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:44,927
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY BO CAN
426
00:12:44,933 --> 00:12:45,603
REDEEM HIMSELF.
427
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,130
THAT'S BY DEFENDING SARAH ON THE
428
00:12:48,133 --> 00:12:48,973
ASSAULT COURSE OF AMERICAN
429
00:12:48,967 --> 00:12:49,497
GLADIATORS.
430
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:51,130
[APPLAUSE]
431
00:12:51,133 --> 00:12:53,773
>> THE ONLY THING STANDING
432
00:12:53,767 --> 00:12:57,097
BETWEEN YOU TWO AND HAPPINESS
433
00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:58,700
EVER AFTER IS MALIBU AND LACE.
434
00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:00,370
HOW ARE YOU, MALIBU?
435
00:13:00,367 --> 00:13:02,527
>> WE ARE SO SWEET, BABY.
436
00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:03,303
WE GOT SOMETHING REAL SPECIAL
437
00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:03,670
FOR YOU.
438
00:13:03,667 --> 00:13:05,627
>> HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO,
439
00:13:05,633 --> 00:13:05,903
BO.
440
00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:09,330
YOU NEED TO PROTECT SARAH.
441
00:13:09,333 --> 00:13:12,573
DON'T LET HER GET HIT BY A
442
00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:13,827
TENNIS BALL.
443
00:13:13,833 --> 00:13:15,303
NOBODY GIVES A [BLEEP].
444
00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:17,470
YOU NEED TO FIRE AT THAT SMALL
445
00:13:17,467 --> 00:13:19,067
TARGET BEHIND THE GLADIATORS.
446
00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:20,497
IF YOU DO THAT, YOU WIN.
447
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,670
THEN CROSS THE FINISH LINE.
448
00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:24,727
AND THEY'RE OFF!
449
00:13:24,733 --> 00:13:37,673
BO IS TAKING A POUNDING.
450
00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:40,967
THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.
451
00:13:40,967 --> 00:13:43,067
SARAH ALMOST GOT HIT.
452
00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:44,297
THEY'RE AT STATION THREE,
453
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:50,930
GETTING READY TO FINE THE
454
00:13:50,933 --> 00:13:51,273
CANNON.
455
00:13:51,267 --> 00:13:57,097
AND IT'S A MISS.
456
00:13:57,100 --> 00:13:59,470
>> CONGRATULATIONS, BO.
457
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:00,727
YOU PROVED YOURSELF OUT THERE.
458
00:14:00,733 --> 00:14:02,073
HOW DID YOU FEEL?
459
00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:03,497
>> IT HURT, BUT SHE WAS WORTH
460
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:03,770
IT.
461
00:14:03,767 --> 00:14:04,867
>> NO WAY SHE'S NOT TAKING YOU
462
00:14:04,867 --> 00:14:07,467
BACK NOW.
463
00:14:07,467 --> 00:14:08,897
>> SARAH?
464
00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:10,130
DON'T FEEL SO BAD.
465
00:14:10,133 --> 00:14:11,773
NO ONE CAN RESIST MALIBU.
466
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:14,097
FROM ALL OF US AT AMERICAN
467
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:19,070
GLADIATORS, I'M DANIEL TOSH.
468
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:19,467
GOOD NIGHT.
469
00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:20,067
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
470
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:20,727
>> IRONICALLY, MALIBU LIVES IN
471
00:14:20,733 --> 00:14:21,133
RIVERSIDE.
472
00:14:21,133 --> 00:14:21,503
[LAUGHTER]
473
00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:22,230
AND LACE HAS NEVER LOOKED MORE
474
00:14:22,233 --> 00:14:22,733
FEMININE.
475
00:14:22,733 --> 00:14:23,703
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST
476
00:14:23,700 --> 00:14:24,800
IT'S OUR SECURITY GUARD
477
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:25,500
EVERETT'S BLACK CLIP OF THE
478
00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:27,500
WEEK.
479
00:14:34,633 --> 00:14:47,503
>> [BLEEP], [BLEEP] WITH MY
480
00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:52,470
>> FIRST ONE I GOT WAS PINK LADY
481
00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:52,827
SLIPPER.
482
00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:53,973
I LOVE IT.
483
00:14:53,967 --> 00:14:56,167
>> FEW BOUGHT ANY OF THAT, YOU
484
00:14:56,167 --> 00:15:01,397
GOT A SECOND ONE 50% OFF.
485
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,500
THIS SMELLS LIKE ALPINE.
486
00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:08,070
>> I'VE HEARD A LOT OF REVIEWS
487
00:15:08,067 --> 00:15:08,627
ON THIS.
488
00:15:08,633 --> 00:15:12,433
I WASN'T TOO FOND OF IT WHEN I
489
00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:13,703
TRIED IT.
490
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:18,400
IT WAS LIKE SAGE AND CITRUS.
491
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:18,870
THAT'S MY HALL!
492
00:15:18,867 --> 00:15:19,597
>> AH, WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO
493
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:20,330
GET INTO THAT LITTLE BOY'S ROOM.
494
00:15:20,333 --> 00:15:21,673
I BET IT SMELLS WONDERFUL.
495
00:15:21,667 --> 00:15:23,227
I AM A HUGE CANDLE BUFF MYSELF.
496
00:15:23,233 --> 00:15:25,573
I COULD NOT WAIT TO TALK TO THIS
497
00:15:25,567 --> 00:15:26,967
KID.
498
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:30,067
PLEASE WELCOME VIA SKYPE, DREW.
499
00:15:30,067 --> 00:15:30,567
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
500
00:15:30,567 --> 00:15:31,227
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
501
00:15:31,233 --> 00:15:31,833
>> HOW DID YOU GET INTO
502
00:15:31,833 --> 00:15:33,103
COLLECTING CANDLES?
503
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,300
>> I JUST FOUND ONE AT THE STORE
504
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:36,570
ONE DAY AND I BECAME ADDICTED.
505
00:15:36,567 --> 00:15:37,097
>> ALRIGHT.
506
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:38,430
BE CAREFUL.
507
00:15:38,433 --> 00:15:41,073
CANDLES ARE A GATEWAY DRUG.
508
00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:41,767
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE OUT
509
00:15:41,767 --> 00:15:42,497
ON THE STREET GIVING HANDIES TO
510
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:46,170
HOBOS FOR BATH SALTS.
511
00:15:46,167 --> 00:15:46,867
I'VE BEEN THERE.
512
00:15:46,867 --> 00:15:48,867
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CANDLE?
513
00:15:48,867 --> 00:15:49,497
>> MY FAVORITE CANDLE IS
514
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:52,170
MACINTOSH APPLE.
515
00:15:52,167 --> 00:15:54,727
>> MACINTOSH IS MY FAVORITE TOO,
516
00:15:54,733 --> 00:15:55,603
BECAUSE MY NAME'S IN IT.
517
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:56,670
>> AHHH!
518
00:15:56,667 --> 00:15:59,427
CLEVER.
519
00:15:59,433 --> 00:16:01,203
[LAUGHTER]
520
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:01,800
>> YOUR APPROVAL MEANS
521
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:03,470
EVERYTHING TO ME.
522
00:16:03,467 --> 00:16:04,197
ALRIGHT, LET'S PUT THAT NOSE OF
523
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,530
YOURS TO THE TEST.
524
00:16:05,533 --> 00:16:06,203
WE SENT YOU SOME CANDLES TO
525
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:10,130
REVIEW.
526
00:16:10,133 --> 00:16:10,673
DID YOU GET'EM?
527
00:16:10,667 --> 00:16:11,397
>> THIS ONE?
528
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:12,330
>> YEAH, SEE IF YOU CAN TELL ME
529
00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:14,073
WHAT THE SCENT IT IS.
530
00:16:14,067 --> 00:16:18,097
>> IT SMELLS VERY TROPICAL.
531
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:18,630
PINEAPPLES.
532
00:16:18,633 --> 00:16:19,673
ORANGES.
533
00:16:19,667 --> 00:16:20,167
I DON'T KNOW.
534
00:16:20,167 --> 00:16:21,427
WHAT IS IT?
535
00:16:21,433 --> 00:16:23,203
>> IT'S PEACHES AND SKEET.
536
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,930
[LAUGHTER]
537
00:16:25,933 --> 00:16:27,073
>> PEACHES AND SKEET?
538
00:16:27,067 --> 00:16:29,697
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT.
539
00:16:29,700 --> 00:16:30,370
>> YEAH, I MADE IT MYSELF.
540
00:16:30,367 --> 00:16:32,097
ALRIGHT.
541
00:16:32,100 --> 00:16:33,930
NEXT?
542
00:16:33,933 --> 00:16:38,633
>> WE HAVE A PURPLE CANDLE.
543
00:16:38,633 --> 00:16:40,273
SMELLS LIKE CINNAMON.
544
00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:41,227
>> OOH, SORRY, THAT IS WARM
545
00:16:41,233 --> 00:16:42,803
MOTHER'S QUEEF.
546
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,900
[LAUGHTER]
547
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:46,400
>> MMHM.
548
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,430
>> MMHM.
549
00:16:49,433 --> 00:16:51,973
NOT A FAN OF THIS BIT, ARE YOU?
550
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:52,597
ALRIGHT, YOU'RE 0 FOR 2.
551
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:53,300
LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN FINISH
552
00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:54,630
STRONG.
553
00:16:54,633 --> 00:16:59,433
>> WE HAVE THE GREEN ONE.
554
00:16:59,433 --> 00:17:00,373
SMELLS LIKE "DUNE GRASS" FROM
555
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:01,797
YANKEE CANDLE.
556
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:02,270
>> OH CLOSE.
557
00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:04,627
NO.
558
00:17:04,633 --> 00:17:05,803
THAT IS "MAN ASS."
559
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:06,530
>> OH, I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT
560
00:17:06,533 --> 00:17:07,133
CANDLE.
561
00:17:07,133 --> 00:17:08,833
>> HA HA HA.
562
00:17:08,833 --> 00:17:11,533
IT GROWS ON YOU.
563
00:17:11,533 --> 00:17:12,203
I WENT THROUGH A PHASE IN
564
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:12,870
COLLEGE WHERE I LOVED THAT
565
00:17:12,867 --> 00:17:13,627
CANDLE.
566
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,073
[LAUGHTER]
567
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:15,767
IT WOULD JUST COME WAFTING DOWN
568
00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:17,067
THE HALLS.
569
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:17,797
PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE, "OH,
570
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,530
THERE'S DANIEL BURNING ANOTHER
571
00:17:19,533 --> 00:17:20,603
CANDLE."
572
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:21,900
[LAUGHTER]
573
00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:22,630
ALRIGHT, YOU'RE A GOOD SPORT,
574
00:17:22,633 --> 00:17:22,933
DREW.
575
00:17:22,933 --> 00:17:23,503
THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
576
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:24,430
>> YOU'RE WELCOME, DANIEL.
577
00:17:24,433 --> 00:17:25,373
THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
578
00:17:25,367 --> 00:17:28,567
>> BYE!
579
00:17:28,567 --> 00:17:29,267
>> ALRIGHT.
580
00:17:29,267 --> 00:17:30,227
THIS WEEK, WE DO NOT HAVE A
581
00:17:30,233 --> 00:17:30,773
VIEWER VIDEO --
582
00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:34,067
[AUDIENCE AHHS]
583
00:17:34,067 --> 00:17:34,797
>> BECAUSE WE FOUND A CLIP OF A
584
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:35,530
HYENA EATING A DEAD ELEPHANT'S
585
00:17:35,533 --> 00:17:36,433
B-HOLE.
586
00:17:36,433 --> 00:17:41,233
[CHEERS]
587
00:17:41,233 --> 00:17:44,203
>> THE COAST IS CLEAR.
588
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:48,670
THE HYENA CALCULATES TO STRIKE
589
00:17:48,667 --> 00:17:49,067
FIRST.
590
00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:52,397
[LAUGHTER]
591
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:53,170
>> THAT'S HOW MY DOG WAKES ME UP
592
00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:54,427
EVERY MORNING.
593
00:17:54,433 --> 00:17:56,103
[LAUGHTER]
594
00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:57,330
GROW UP, OKAY.
595
00:17:57,333 --> 00:17:59,073
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.
596
00:17:59,067 --> 00:18:00,367
[LAUGHTER]
597
00:18:00,367 --> 00:18:01,397
WE HAVEN'T EVEN GOT TO MY
598
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,670
FAVORITE PART YET.
599
00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:08,127
[LAUGHTER]
600
00:18:08,133 --> 00:18:08,873
I BET THIS IS THE ONE THING THE
601
00:18:08,867 --> 00:18:09,497
ELEPHANT WOULDN'T MIND
602
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:12,400
FORGETTING.
603
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:13,100
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
604
00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:15,470
JUMP CUTS, BUT FIRST HERE'S
605
00:18:15,467 --> 00:18:16,667
SOMETHING FOR THE STUDIO
606
00:18:16,667 --> 00:18:17,567
AUDIENCE TO TAKE THEIR MIND OFF
607
00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:21,297
THAT ELEPHANT'S ASS.
608
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:29,130
[LAUGHTER]
609
00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:30,133
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
610
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:37,930
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
611
00:18:37,933 --> 00:18:39,503
>> WELCOME BACK, MAGGOTS.
612
00:18:39,500 --> 00:18:42,170
IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE VIDEO
613
00:18:42,167 --> 00:18:42,867
THAT MADE MY AUDIENCE SCREAM,
614
00:18:42,867 --> 00:18:43,597
THERE WILL BE DIRECTIONS TO IT
615
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,070
ON OUR BLOG.
616
00:18:45,067 --> 00:18:46,427
ALRIGHT.
617
00:18:46,433 --> 00:18:47,503
THE OSCARS WERE ON SUNDAY, AND
618
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:48,630
AS ALWAYS, MY FAVORITE PART WAS
619
00:18:48,633 --> 00:18:49,373
WHEN THEY SHOWED THE PEOPLE WHO
620
00:18:49,367 --> 00:18:52,327
DIED THIS YEAR.
621
00:18:52,333 --> 00:18:53,073
BUT IT MADE ME THINK, I OUGHT TO
622
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:53,827
HONOR THE PEOPLE WHO DIED ON THE
623
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:58,203
INTERNET IN 2010.
624
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:07,627
**
625
00:19:07,633 --> 00:19:11,703
[APPLAUSE]
626
00:19:12,933 --> 00:19:30,373
**
627
00:19:30,367 --> 00:19:33,797
**
628
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,070
[APPLAUSE]
629
00:19:35,067 --> 00:19:35,797
THERE IS NOT A DRY EYE IN THE
630
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,300
HOUSE!
631
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:38,070
ACTUALLY, I'M NOT SURE IF ALL OF
632
00:19:38,067 --> 00:19:39,967
THOSE PEOPLE ARE DEAD.
633
00:19:39,967 --> 00:19:41,727
WE DON'T DO MUCH RESEARCH AROUND
634
00:19:41,733 --> 00:19:43,103
HERE.
635
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,130
MY APOLOGIES TO THE SURVIVORS
636
00:19:44,133 --> 00:19:44,833
AND THEIR FAMILIES, BUT KNOW
637
00:19:44,833 --> 00:19:46,673
THAT YOU HAVE A SECOND CHANCE.
638
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:49,597
[LAUGHTER]
639
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:50,330
NEXT WEEK, THIS GUY GETS A WEB
640
00:19:50,333 --> 00:19:53,873
REDEMPTION.
641
00:19:53,867 --> 00:19:59,627
>> MY NAME IS BILL DAVIDSON.
642
00:19:59,633 --> 00:20:01,633
AND I'M TAKING MY PARTY'S
643
00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:05,733
POSITION FOR THE TREASURER.
644
00:20:05,733 --> 00:20:06,273
>> HE'S GOT MY VOTE.
645
00:20:06,267 --> 00:20:07,027
BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER
646
00:20:07,033 --> 00:20:07,773
SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE
647
00:20:07,767 --> 00:20:08,067
SHOWS.
648
00:20:08,067 --> 00:20:08,827
KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG OVER
649
00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:09,603
AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.
650
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:10,770
AND MY NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL
651
00:20:10,767 --> 00:20:11,667
"HAPPY THOUGHTS" PREMIERES THIS
652
00:20:11,667 --> 00:20:13,397
SUNDAY, MARCH 6TH.
653
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:14,200
SO I CAN FINALLY STOP PLUGGING
654
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,600
IT.
655
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:16,670
[LAUGHTER]
656
00:20:16,667 --> 00:20:17,467
ALRIGHT.
657
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:18,227
IT WAS GREAT MEETING ALL MY FANS
658
00:20:18,233 --> 00:20:18,973
ACROSS THE COUNTRY ON THE TOSH
659
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:19,597
TOUR.
660
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:20,700
THE BEST PART WAS GETTING TO
661
00:20:20,700 --> 00:20:21,630
TELL THEM WHAT I THINK ABOUT
662
00:20:21,633 --> 00:20:25,903
THEM RIGHT TO THEIR FACE.
663
00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:30,600
>> DON'T TALK ANYMORE, ALL
664
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:31,100
RIGHT?
665
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:32,870
IF YOU SAY ONE MORE WORD -- I
666
00:20:32,867 --> 00:20:35,497
KNOW YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING CUTE
667
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:39,070
BUT YOU'RE RUINING JOKES YOU
668
00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:39,867
HAVEN'T HEARD, YOU [BLEEP].
669
00:20:39,867 --> 00:20:42,167
[LAUGHTER]
670
00:20:42,167 --> 00:20:43,697
>> AH, MAN, I REALLY KNOW HOW TO
671
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:45,870
GIVE BACK TO MY FANS.
672
00:20:45,867 --> 00:20:47,627
YES, I HAD THEM KICKED OUT.
673
00:20:47,633 --> 00:20:48,973
STAY TUNED FOR AN ALL-NEW RERUN
674
00:20:48,967 --> 00:20:50,667
OF TOSH.0.
675
00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:51,297
WHAT DO YOU HAVE GOING ON
676
00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:53,900
TONIGHT, DANIEL?
677
00:20:53,900 --> 00:20:55,500
WELL, JON, IT'S A CLASSIC WEB
678
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:56,270
REDEMPTION WITH SOME IDIOT FROM
679
00:20:56,267 --> 00:20:57,027
THE INTERNET, AND WE MAKE FUN OF
680
00:20:57,033 --> 00:20:59,173
ASIANS THIS WEEK.
681
00:20:59,167 --> 00:20:59,897
I THINK I'VE ALREADY SEEN THAT
682
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:01,770
ONE, DANIEL.
683
00:21:01,767 --> 00:21:02,297
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
684
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:03,370
GOODNIGHT.
685
00:21:03,367 --> 00:21:03,797
SIT, UBU, SIT.
686
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:07,230
GOOD DOG.
687
00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:11,203
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
41328
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