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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:22,433 --> 00:00:25,273 [CHEERS & APPLAUSE] 2 00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:42,703 [CHEERS & APPLAUSE] 3 00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:45,000 >> THANK YOU. 4 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:45,730 THE SOUTH MAY HAVE TO POSTPONE 5 00:00:45,733 --> 00:00:48,033 RISING AGAIN. 6 00:00:48,033 --> 00:00:49,133 WELCOME TO TOSH.0. 7 00:00:49,133 --> 00:00:51,373 SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! 8 00:00:51,367 --> 00:00:52,367 TONIGHT ON THE SHOW THE FOUL 9 00:00:52,367 --> 00:00:53,267 BALL COUPLE GETS A WEB 10 00:00:53,267 --> 00:00:55,527 REDEMPTION. 11 00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:57,233 I SKYPE WITH THE WORLD'S 12 00:00:57,233 --> 00:00:59,273 FOREMOST AUTHORITY ON CANDLES. 13 00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:00,427 AND I HONOR THE MEMORY OF THE 14 00:01:00,433 --> 00:01:01,173 INTERNET STARS WHO PASSED AWAY 15 00:01:01,167 --> 00:01:02,797 THIS YEAR. 16 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:04,670 SHUT UP! 17 00:01:04,667 --> 00:01:05,667 [LAUGHTER] 18 00:01:05,667 --> 00:01:08,597 ALRIGHT. 19 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:09,330 LET'S SEE IF HE CLEARS IT THIS 20 00:01:09,333 --> 00:01:09,633 TIME. 21 00:01:09,633 --> 00:01:10,273 HIS GPS IS GIVING HIM BAD 22 00:01:10,267 --> 00:01:16,927 DIRECTIONS. 23 00:01:16,933 --> 00:01:17,633 YOU SHORTED IT. 24 00:01:17,633 --> 00:01:19,933 [LAUGHTER] 25 00:01:19,933 --> 00:01:20,673 IS THAT COVERED UNDER THE POWER 26 00:01:20,667 --> 00:01:22,597 TRAIN WARRANTY? 27 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:23,300 DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT A POWER 28 00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,830 TRAIN IS? 29 00:01:25,833 --> 00:01:26,873 NOT SURPRISED THE FIRST MEDIC ON 30 00:01:26,867 --> 00:01:28,067 THE SCENE IS WEARING A TANK TOP. 31 00:01:28,067 --> 00:01:29,767 [LAUGHTER] 32 00:01:29,767 --> 00:01:31,297 "LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, STATE 33 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:32,430 FARM IS THERE." 34 00:01:32,433 --> 00:01:34,533 WITH A NEW SET OF TEETH AND A 35 00:01:34,533 --> 00:01:36,573 CHIROPRACTOR, WITH A HUGE RACK, 36 00:01:36,567 --> 00:01:37,127 AND A GROUPON SO IT'S 37 00:01:37,133 --> 00:01:38,433 AFFORDABLE. 38 00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:41,673 [LAUGHTER] 39 00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:43,827 ARE YOU LIKE ME? 40 00:01:43,833 --> 00:01:44,573 DO YOU EVER LAY AWAKE LATE AT 41 00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:45,267 NIGHT AND WISH YOUR PENIS WAS 42 00:01:45,267 --> 00:01:50,497 RECHARGEABLE? 43 00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:54,270 [LAUGHTER] 44 00:01:54,267 --> 00:01:55,927 BEN FRANKLIN IS A PUSSY. 45 00:01:55,933 --> 00:02:00,403 OKAY, LET ME REMIND EVERYONE 46 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,200 THAT THIS SHOW IS INTENDED FOR A 47 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:02,730 MATURE AUDIENCE. 48 00:02:02,733 --> 00:02:04,373 OKAY. 49 00:02:04,367 --> 00:02:07,167 DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. 50 00:02:07,167 --> 00:02:08,197 NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE 51 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,170 CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY 52 00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:11,927 COMMENTS I CAN MAKE. 53 00:02:11,933 --> 00:02:12,703 THAT IS THE WORST GLADE PLUG-IN 54 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:13,400 EVER. 55 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,100 [LAUGHTER] 56 00:02:15,100 --> 00:02:16,300 A FOIL CONDOM? 57 00:02:16,300 --> 00:02:16,970 AH, I HOPE HIS GIRLFRIEND 58 00:02:16,967 --> 00:02:17,567 DOESN'T HAVE FILLINGS. 59 00:02:17,567 --> 00:02:19,297 [LAUGHTER] 60 00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:20,070 HIS WIENER JUST TRAVELED BACK IN 61 00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:20,897 TIME. 62 00:02:20,900 --> 00:02:22,800 [LAUGHTER] 63 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:23,530 IF HE TRIED THAT IN EUROPE, HE'D 64 00:02:23,533 --> 00:02:26,433 NEED TO USE AN ADAPTOR. 65 00:02:26,433 --> 00:02:27,573 I'VE STUCK MY JUNK IN MORE 66 00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:29,197 DANGEROUS HOLES THAN THAT TODAY. 67 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,500 [LAUGHTER] 68 00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:34,770 NOW GO TEABAG THE TOASTER. 69 00:02:34,767 --> 00:02:35,497 I PUNISH MY STAFF THE SAME WAY 70 00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:36,270 WHENEVER THEY DON'T LAUGH AT MY 71 00:02:36,267 --> 00:02:39,927 JOKES. 72 00:02:53,067 --> 00:02:54,967 [LAUGHTER] 73 00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:57,067 BY NOT SHOWING THE ENTIRE CLIP, 74 00:02:57,067 --> 00:02:57,727 I CAN LEGALLY SAY THAT THEIR 75 00:02:57,733 --> 00:02:59,073 PENISES DIDN'T GET SHOCKED. 76 00:02:59,067 --> 00:03:03,067 [LAUGHTER] 77 00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:03,797 I WILL SAY THAT WE WERE A LITTLE 78 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:04,500 TOO GENEROUS WITH THE FOIL ON 79 00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:07,830 SOME OF THOSE GUYS. 80 00:03:07,833 --> 00:03:08,603 IT WAS SO HARD TO GET IT TO STAY 81 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,670 ON ONE OF THEM. 82 00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:13,067 [LAUGHTER] 83 00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:13,767 HE'S LIKE, "I'M NERVOUS. 84 00:03:13,767 --> 00:03:15,167 IT GETS SMALL WHEN I'M NERVOUS." 85 00:03:15,167 --> 00:03:16,767 [LAUGHTER] 86 00:03:16,767 --> 00:03:17,527 ALRIGHT. 87 00:03:17,533 --> 00:03:18,503 WANT TO SEE THE GOLD MEDAL OF 88 00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:21,200 HORRIFIC LANDINGS? 89 00:03:30,067 --> 00:03:31,067 THE STANDARD DEDUCTION FOR 90 00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:32,597 EXPLODED ANKLES IS 3/10. 91 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,470 [LAUGHTER] 92 00:03:34,467 --> 00:03:35,197 MAYBE NOW SHE'LL GIVE UP ON HER 93 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:36,200 STUPID DREAMS. 94 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:39,130 [LAUGHTER] 95 00:03:39,133 --> 00:03:40,703 DON'T WORRY KATIE, DEREK FISHER 96 00:03:40,700 --> 00:03:42,100 HAS THAT DONE TO HIM AT LEAST 97 00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:43,100 TWICE A GAME. 98 00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:47,070 [LAUGHTER] 99 00:03:47,067 --> 00:03:48,597 THIS IS WHY I NEVER HUNG OUT 100 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,330 WITH ROSS FROM "FRIENDS." 101 00:03:50,333 --> 00:03:51,073 REMEMBER, WHEN HE HAD MONKEYS AS 102 00:03:51,067 --> 00:03:53,467 A PET? 103 00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:54,167 THAT'S THE WORST SEGUE OF THE 104 00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:54,797 YEAR. 105 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:58,100 [LAUGHTER] 106 00:03:58,100 --> 00:03:59,070 TAG, YOU HAVE AIDS. 107 00:03:59,067 --> 00:04:00,597 NO BACKSIES! 108 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:04,070 [LAUGHTER] 109 00:04:04,067 --> 00:04:05,067 DON'T START A JOB IF YOU'RE NOT 110 00:04:05,067 --> 00:04:10,197 WILLING TO FINISH IT, MONKEYS. 111 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:10,900 LEAVE'EM DOWN! 112 00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:11,670 YOU COULD USE SOME COLOR ON THAT 113 00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:13,067 OLD HOG. 114 00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:15,667 CHECK OUT THIS NEW INVENTION. 115 00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:16,497 >> ALL RIGHT. 116 00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:20,600 THIS IS A SHAVING HELMET. 117 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:24,800 MOUNTED ON AN ALUMINUM RAILS. 118 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:30,070 HAS TWO SERVOS. 119 00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:33,927 >> 120 00:04:33,933 --> 00:04:34,533 HOW MANY MACHS IS THAT? 121 00:04:34,533 --> 00:04:35,203 NOW I KNOW WHAT TO BUY THE 122 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:41,070 SKINHEAD WHO HAS EVERYTHING. 123 00:04:41,067 --> 00:04:41,427 >> OH, WOW! 124 00:04:41,433 --> 00:04:43,133 [BLEEP]! 125 00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:43,703 >> OKAY. 126 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:49,170 I WANT TO TAKE A LITTLE OFF THE 127 00:04:49,167 --> 00:04:49,427 TOP. 128 00:04:49,433 --> 00:04:50,103 >> OKAY. 129 00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:51,670 I CAN DEFINITELY FEEL IT. 130 00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:53,427 ISN'T SO BAD. 131 00:04:53,433 --> 00:04:55,533 [LAUGHTER] 132 00:04:55,533 --> 00:04:57,133 >> OKAY. 133 00:04:57,133 --> 00:05:01,133 DEFINITELY NICKED ME THERE. 134 00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:03,973 YEAH. 135 00:05:03,967 --> 00:05:04,897 YEAH. 136 00:05:04,900 --> 00:05:09,830 IT'S WORKING, BUT -- BUT -- THIS 137 00:05:09,833 --> 00:05:12,873 IS DEFINITELY BETTER THAN 138 00:05:12,867 --> 00:05:15,167 WAITING IN LINE AT A SALON. 139 00:05:15,167 --> 00:05:16,397 YOU KNOW? 140 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:20,970 YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL 141 00:05:20,967 --> 00:05:23,627 THE -- NONSENSE. 142 00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:24,333 >> THE GOOD NEWS, I NO LONGER 143 00:05:24,333 --> 00:05:25,103 NEED TO GET THAT MOLE ON THE TOP 144 00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:26,300 OF MY HEAD CHECKED OUT. 145 00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:30,470 WHAT'S NEXT? 146 00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:38,430 GET OFF MY ROOF, I'M TRYING TO 147 00:05:38,433 --> 00:05:39,403 GROW A TAIL IN HERE. 148 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,200 [LAUGHTER] 149 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:41,900 LET'S FIND OUT IF THIS TURD 150 00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:42,630 FLOATS OR SINKS IN THIS WEEK'S 151 00:05:42,633 --> 00:05:43,903 BREAKDOWN. 152 00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:48,770 [CHEERS & APPLAUSE] 153 00:05:48,767 --> 00:05:49,797 THIS IS AT THE PREAKNESS STAKES, 154 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:50,530 WHICH IS THE KENTUCKY DERBY'S 155 00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:51,473 INBRED COUSIN. 156 00:05:51,467 --> 00:05:53,497 NO FLOPPY HATS OR MINT JULEPS 157 00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:54,200 HERE, JUST KEYSTONE LIGHT AND 158 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,200 JEAN SHORTS. 159 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:57,930 THIS IS WHERE THE REAL RACISTS 160 00:05:57,933 --> 00:05:58,433 GO. 161 00:05:58,433 --> 00:06:00,303 [LAUGHTER] 162 00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:01,400 CLETUS IS ABOUT TO PARTAKE IN 163 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,070 ONE OF THEIR OLDEST TRADITIONS, 164 00:06:03,067 --> 00:06:04,597 THE CRAP-DASH, THE POOP SCOOT, 165 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:05,370 THE DIARRHEA DERBY, THE KENTUCKY 166 00:06:05,367 --> 00:06:06,627 DOOKEY. 167 00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:08,133 WHATEVER YOU CALL IT. 168 00:06:08,133 --> 00:06:10,233 THE STAKES ARE HIGH. 169 00:06:10,233 --> 00:06:12,473 PLACE YOUR BETS! 170 00:06:12,467 --> 00:06:14,097 HE STUMBLES OUT OF THE GATE. 171 00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:15,100 HE IS DEFINITELY NOT A MUDDER. 172 00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,870 HIS MUDDER WAS A MUDDER. 173 00:06:17,867 --> 00:06:19,397 AND DOWN THE STRETCH HE COMES! 174 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:20,130 LOOKS HE JUST CAUGHT A WHIFF 175 00:06:20,133 --> 00:06:21,773 FROM THAT [BLEEP] CHIMNEY. 176 00:06:21,767 --> 00:06:23,697 [LAUGHTER] 177 00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:24,430 GETTING PELTED WITH BEER CANS ON 178 00:06:24,433 --> 00:06:25,173 TOP OF A PORTA-POTTY IS STILL 179 00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:25,927 BETTER THAN SETTING FOOT INSIDE 180 00:06:25,933 --> 00:06:27,833 OF ONE. 181 00:06:27,833 --> 00:06:28,603 THIS IS THE MOST DIFFICULT PART 182 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:29,970 OF THE RACE, THE JUMP. 183 00:06:29,967 --> 00:06:31,567 SHOULD BE EASY TO CLEAR A SIX 184 00:06:31,567 --> 00:06:32,297 FOOT GAP WHEN YOU'VE BUILT UP NO 185 00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:33,570 SPEED WHATSOEVER. 186 00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:38,297 [LAUGHTER] 187 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:41,130 SO CLOSE! 188 00:06:41,133 --> 00:06:43,933 THAT WAS A PHOTO FINISH. 189 00:06:43,933 --> 00:06:45,503 I THINK HE MISSED IT BY A NOSE, 190 00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:46,230 WHICH SUCKS BECAUSE I HAD HIM IN 191 00:06:46,233 --> 00:06:49,073 MY QUINELLA BOX. 192 00:06:49,067 --> 00:06:50,797 IS HE DRUNK OR JUST WHITE? 193 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:52,530 [LAUGHTER] 194 00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:53,173 PUT A BULLET IN HIM. 195 00:06:53,167 --> 00:06:55,227 HIS RACING CAREER IS OVER. 196 00:06:55,233 --> 00:06:56,373 OH, LOOK AT THIS, STEPHON 197 00:06:56,367 --> 00:06:57,897 MARBURY PAYS HIS LAST RESPECTS 198 00:06:57,900 --> 00:06:59,470 BY CHECKING HIS POCKETS FOR BEER 199 00:06:59,467 --> 00:07:00,297 TICKETS, AND FOR THAT, WE THANK 200 00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:03,670 YOU. 201 00:07:03,667 --> 00:07:04,197 [CHEERS & APPLAUSE] 202 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:04,900 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE 203 00:07:04,900 --> 00:07:05,600 FOUL BALL COUPLE, BUT FIRST 204 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:06,300 THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR STILL 205 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:09,070 HAVING A LANDLINE. 206 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:17,970 ** 207 00:07:17,967 --> 00:07:21,627 [BLEEP], [BLEEP], GOD DAMMIT. 208 00:07:21,633 --> 00:07:24,673 SOMEBODY IS DEFINITELY DEAD. 209 00:07:24,667 --> 00:07:25,427 [BLEEP] 210 00:07:25,433 --> 00:07:26,773 >> HELLO? 211 00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:27,227 >> [BLEEP] YOU. 212 00:07:27,233 --> 00:07:29,603 [LAUGHTER] 213 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:35,070 >> GOD DAMMIT. 214 00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:37,527 [BLEEP] MY [BLEEP]. 215 00:07:53,733 --> 00:07:54,473 >> OH, MY! 216 00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:56,727 YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! 217 00:07:56,733 --> 00:07:57,203 >> DON'T WORRY. 218 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:57,870 HER FACE WAS ALREADY KINDA 219 00:07:57,867 --> 00:07:58,197 BUSTED. 220 00:07:58,200 --> 00:07:59,730 [LAUGHTER] 221 00:07:59,733 --> 00:08:01,403 WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT A 222 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,070 GLOVE INSTEAD OF A GIRLFRIEND. 223 00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:05,567 THAT'S BO AND SARAH, AND WHEN A 224 00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:06,567 FOUL BALL CAME SCREAMING TOWARDS 225 00:08:06,567 --> 00:08:07,227 THE CHEAP SEATS, HE DID THE 226 00:08:07,233 --> 00:08:07,973 SMART THING AND MOVED OUT OF THE 227 00:08:07,967 --> 00:08:09,827 WAY. 228 00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:10,603 IT'S NOT HIS FAULT HER REFLEXES 229 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:11,830 SUCK. 230 00:08:11,833 --> 00:08:12,433 HE WAS ACTUALLY BEING 231 00:08:12,433 --> 00:08:16,133 CONSIDERATE OF HER NEEDS. 232 00:08:16,133 --> 00:08:17,203 HE WOULD HAVE BROKEN HIS HAND 233 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:17,970 TRYING TO CATCH IT AND NOT BEEN 234 00:08:17,967 --> 00:08:18,697 ABLE TO PLEASURE HER LATER. 235 00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:21,070 [LAUGHTER] 236 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:21,797 SORRY IF HE DIDN'T JUMP AT THE 237 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:22,530 CHANCE TO TAKE A LINE DRIVE TO 238 00:08:22,533 --> 00:08:23,203 THE DOME. 239 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:23,900 HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND, NOT YOUR 240 00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:25,300 BODYGUARD. 241 00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:27,400 WE ALREADY HAVE TO OPEN DOORS, 242 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:29,070 PULL OUT CHAIRS, CARRY YOUR 243 00:08:29,067 --> 00:08:31,127 STUFF, KEEP PROMISES, LIE ABOUT 244 00:08:31,133 --> 00:08:32,703 OUR PAST, TRY NOT TO STARE AT 245 00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:33,800 YOUR SISTER'S BOOBS, LISTEN TO 246 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:35,830 YOUR AWFUL, POINTLESS STORIES, 247 00:08:35,833 --> 00:08:36,603 AND PRETEND WE DON'T THINK YOUR 248 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:37,330 FRIENDS ARE EVEN MORE ANNOYING 249 00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:39,573 THAN YOU ARE. 250 00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:40,327 YOU WANT US TO CUT UP YOUR FOOD 251 00:08:40,333 --> 00:08:41,873 TOO, YOU LAZY BITCH? 252 00:08:41,867 --> 00:08:42,867 [LAUGHTER] 253 00:08:42,867 --> 00:08:44,727 SORRY. 254 00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:45,433 THAT WAS GETTING TOO CLOSE TO 255 00:08:45,433 --> 00:08:46,333 HOME. 256 00:08:46,333 --> 00:08:48,203 [LAUGHTER] 257 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,230 IN THE OLD DAYS, BEFORE WOMEN 258 00:08:49,233 --> 00:08:50,303 KNEW ABOUT LATERAL MOVEMENT, MEN 259 00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:51,070 HAD TO LAY THEIR JACKET DOWN 260 00:08:51,067 --> 00:08:51,667 OVER PUDDLES. 261 00:08:51,667 --> 00:08:53,467 OH REALLY? 262 00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:54,567 YOU THINK I'M NOT GOING TO RUIN 263 00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:56,167 MY LULU LEMON JUST SO YOU CAN 264 00:08:56,167 --> 00:08:56,867 KEEP ONE OF YOUR 90 PAIRS OF 265 00:08:56,867 --> 00:08:58,827 SHOES CLEAN. 266 00:08:58,833 --> 00:08:59,603 LADIES, CHIVALRY ONLY EXISTS IN 267 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:00,730 TRAIN SONGS. 268 00:09:00,733 --> 00:09:02,073 IT ISN'T DEAD. 269 00:09:02,067 --> 00:09:03,627 IT'S JUST TAKING A VACATION 270 00:09:03,633 --> 00:09:04,373 WHILE YOU FIGURE OUT THAT BEING 271 00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:06,297 EQUAL BLOWS. 272 00:09:06,300 --> 00:09:08,400 RAPPERS HAVE THE RIGHT IDEA. 273 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:09,430 FORGET ALL THE FORMALITIES AND 274 00:09:09,433 --> 00:09:10,073 POUR CRISTAL ON BITCHES' 275 00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:11,067 TITTIES. 276 00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:11,727 THAT'S WHAT THEY REALLY WANT 277 00:09:11,733 --> 00:09:13,233 ANYWAY. 278 00:09:13,233 --> 00:09:14,833 BEING A GENTLEMAN IS SIMPLE. 279 00:09:14,833 --> 00:09:16,673 JUST TRY NOT TO FINISH FIRST. 280 00:09:16,667 --> 00:09:20,097 TRY. 281 00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,130 THE TRUTH IS, I'M A ROMANTIC. 282 00:09:21,133 --> 00:09:22,203 BO AND SARAH'S RELATIONSHIP 283 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,330 LOOKS LIKE IT'S IN TROUBLE. 284 00:09:24,333 --> 00:09:25,073 THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT THEM OUT 285 00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:25,897 FOR A LITTLE SPRING TRAINING IN 286 00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:28,570 THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION. 287 00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:31,527 [APPLAUSE] 288 00:09:31,533 --> 00:09:33,403 >> WELCOME TO COUPLES 289 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:33,800 COUNSELLING. 290 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:34,530 TELL ME ABOUT THAT DATE. 291 00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:36,233 TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED. 292 00:09:36,233 --> 00:09:37,833 >> THEY HIT THE FOUL BALL. 293 00:09:37,833 --> 00:09:39,433 I SAW IT COMING FAST. 294 00:09:39,433 --> 00:09:40,373 I LOST IT. 295 00:09:40,367 --> 00:09:42,627 I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO HIT ME 296 00:09:42,633 --> 00:09:43,673 IN THE FACE. 297 00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:45,197 >> WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE SAY ABOUT 298 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:45,670 YOU? 299 00:09:45,667 --> 00:09:50,227 >> PEOPLE SAY I WOULD HAVE TAKEN 300 00:09:50,233 --> 00:09:50,503 IT. 301 00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:51,270 YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT. 302 00:09:51,267 --> 00:09:52,667 >> EVERY MAN IS FOR HIMSELF IS 303 00:09:52,667 --> 00:09:53,197 WHAT I SAW. 304 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:53,700 >> YEAH. 305 00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:55,400 >> HOW IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP 306 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:55,700 GOING? 307 00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:57,330 >> NOT SO WELL RIGHT NOW. 308 00:09:57,333 --> 00:09:58,903 >> ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER? 309 00:09:58,900 --> 00:09:59,470 >> NO. 310 00:09:59,467 --> 00:10:02,127 >> HOW LONG WERE YOU GUYS DATE 311 00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:02,533 SOMETHING. 312 00:10:02,533 --> 00:10:03,273 >> FIVE, FOUR -- 313 00:10:03,267 --> 00:10:03,927 >> SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 314 00:10:03,933 --> 00:10:05,203 >> WAS IT GOING WELL? 315 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,370 >> WE HAD OUR UPS AND DOWNS. 316 00:10:08,367 --> 00:10:10,227 >> WAS THAT DAY AN UP OR DOWN? 317 00:10:10,233 --> 00:10:11,773 >> I THINK IT WAS AN UP. 318 00:10:11,767 --> 00:10:13,267 >> DID YOU GET IN A FIGHT LATER 319 00:10:13,267 --> 00:10:15,397 THAT NIGHT OVER IT OR -- 320 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:15,900 >> NO. 321 00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:18,830 >> DID YOU GET LUCKY THAT NIGHT? 322 00:10:18,833 --> 00:10:19,373 >> YEAH. 323 00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:21,297 >> AFTER FIVE MONTHS, YOU'RE 324 00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,630 STILL INTO IT? 325 00:10:22,633 --> 00:10:23,603 DO YOU GUYS STILL TALK? 326 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:24,500 >> NOT REALLY. 327 00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:25,730 >> DO YOU STILL HAVE SEX? 328 00:10:25,733 --> 00:10:26,233 >> YEAH. 329 00:10:26,233 --> 00:10:26,873 ALL THE TIME. 330 00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:27,397 >> NO. 331 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:28,100 THAT'S A LIE. 332 00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:29,970 >> LAST NIGHT WE DID. 333 00:10:29,967 --> 00:10:31,867 >> YOU DID HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT? 334 00:10:31,867 --> 00:10:34,997 >> HE'S SUCH A LIAR. 335 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,230 HE'S SO FULL OF [BLEEP]. 336 00:10:36,233 --> 00:10:37,133 >> PLEASE, WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE 337 00:10:37,133 --> 00:10:37,773 IN MY OFFICE. 338 00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:39,697 HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH A BLACK 339 00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:40,030 WOMAN? 340 00:10:40,033 --> 00:10:41,233 >> NO. 341 00:10:41,233 --> 00:10:44,033 BUT I WOULD BE WITH A 342 00:10:44,033 --> 00:10:44,733 LIGHT-SKINNED BLACK WOMAN. 343 00:10:44,733 --> 00:10:46,873 >> SARAH, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN 344 00:10:46,867 --> 00:10:47,997 WITH A BLACK MAN? 345 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,970 >> HALF BLACK TWINS. 346 00:10:49,967 --> 00:10:51,197 >> AT THE SAME TIME. 347 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,470 >> THAT'S A LIE, RIGHT? 348 00:10:52,467 --> 00:10:53,667 I WANT TO BELIEVE IT. 349 00:10:53,667 --> 00:10:55,027 I WANT TO BELIEVE IT. 350 00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:55,533 IT'S TRUE! 351 00:10:55,533 --> 00:10:56,133 >> IT'S TRUE. 352 00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,003 >> IT'S A LIE. 353 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,000 >> ARE YOU DATING SOMEONE? 354 00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,030 >> I DO. 355 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,603 I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER 356 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:00,870 NOW. 357 00:11:00,867 --> 00:11:02,797 >> WHY? 358 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:06,100 DOES HE HAVE GOOD HANDS? 359 00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,470 >> WHAT? 360 00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:08,327 >> CAN HE CATCH? 361 00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:11,233 >> HE HAS PRETTY EYES. 362 00:11:11,233 --> 00:11:12,073 HE'S TANNED SKIN. 363 00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:13,167 HE'S A DENTIST. 364 00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:15,827 >> I DON'T LIKE THIS NEW GUY SO 365 00:11:15,833 --> 00:11:16,103 FAR. 366 00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:16,530 I DON'T KNOW. 367 00:11:16,533 --> 00:11:18,873 HE HAS GREEN EYES, FIRST OF ALL. 368 00:11:18,867 --> 00:11:21,127 IS THAT FROM KAY JEWELERS? 369 00:11:21,133 --> 00:11:22,373 >> FROM TIFFANY'S. 370 00:11:22,367 --> 00:11:23,067 >> TIFFANY'S? 371 00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:23,727 >> YEAH. 372 00:11:23,733 --> 00:11:27,073 >> BO, YOU'RE STARTING TO LOSE 373 00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:27,967 NOW. 374 00:11:27,967 --> 00:11:29,097 >> HOW OLD IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND? 375 00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:30,270 >> 17. 376 00:11:30,267 --> 00:11:31,067 >> 15? 377 00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:32,467 >> SEE WHAT HAPPENED ON THAT 378 00:11:32,467 --> 00:11:32,767 ONE? 379 00:11:32,767 --> 00:11:34,627 I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS 15. 380 00:11:34,633 --> 00:11:35,903 [LAUGHTER] 381 00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:36,770 >> THAT'S ALL RIGHT. 382 00:11:36,767 --> 00:11:38,597 >> SHE HAD A FAKE I.D. AND 383 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:39,330 EVERYTHING. 384 00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:39,703 TATTOOS. 385 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:40,930 >> SO YOU CARDED HER? 386 00:11:40,933 --> 00:11:42,173 >> NO, I DIDN'T. 387 00:11:42,167 --> 00:11:44,067 SHE USED TO GO TO A CLUB WITH 388 00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:44,297 ME. 389 00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:46,130 LIKE 18 AND UP TO GET IN. 390 00:11:46,133 --> 00:11:47,173 I NEVER THOUGHT NOTHING LIKE 391 00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:47,467 THAT. 392 00:11:47,467 --> 00:11:49,527 >> IS THERE ANY SCENARIO, SARAH, 393 00:11:49,533 --> 00:11:54,303 WHERE YOU CAN SEE YOURSELF 394 00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:55,300 TAKING BO BACK? 395 00:11:55,300 --> 00:11:55,900 >> MAYBE. 396 00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:58,200 >> WHAT WOULD SARAH HAVE TO DO 397 00:11:58,200 --> 00:11:58,770 TO TAKE YOU BACK? 398 00:11:58,767 --> 00:12:00,397 >> SHE WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE A 399 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,200 LOT OF THINGS. 400 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,330 WE WOULD HAVE TO GET ALONG MORE. 401 00:12:03,333 --> 00:12:04,373 STOP FIGHTING. 402 00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:05,497 >> I'M NOT CHANGING. 403 00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:07,070 >> SEE, WHAT WOULD I TELL YOU? 404 00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:08,367 >> I WOULD, I GUESS. 405 00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:09,927 >> WHAT DO YOU MISS ABOUT EACH 406 00:12:09,933 --> 00:12:10,273 OTHER? 407 00:12:10,267 --> 00:12:12,067 >> THE PERSONALITY. 408 00:12:12,067 --> 00:12:13,327 YOU'RE PRETTY SMILE. 409 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,433 >> NOW, BO, SAY SOMETHING NICE 410 00:12:15,433 --> 00:12:18,403 ABOUT SARAH. 411 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:19,870 DON'T LOOK AT HER BOOBS. 412 00:12:19,867 --> 00:12:22,227 >> I'M TRYING TO THINK OF 413 00:12:22,233 --> 00:12:22,603 SOMETHING. 414 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:23,470 HANG ON. 415 00:12:23,467 --> 00:12:28,467 [LAUGHTER] 416 00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:30,227 >> I REALLY DON'T. 417 00:12:30,233 --> 00:12:31,833 >> COME ON, SAY SOMETHING NICE 418 00:12:31,833 --> 00:12:33,433 ABOUT HER. 419 00:12:33,433 --> 00:12:34,333 >> I DON'T -- 420 00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:35,733 >> THIS ISN'T WORKING. 421 00:12:35,733 --> 00:12:37,073 WE HAVE TO GO TO SOMETHING MUCH 422 00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:38,067 MORE EXTREME. 423 00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,327 SOMETHING I DON'T NORMALLY DO ON 424 00:12:40,333 --> 00:12:42,573 A FIRST SESSION. 425 00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:44,927 THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY BO CAN 426 00:12:44,933 --> 00:12:45,603 REDEEM HIMSELF. 427 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,130 THAT'S BY DEFENDING SARAH ON THE 428 00:12:48,133 --> 00:12:48,973 ASSAULT COURSE OF AMERICAN 429 00:12:48,967 --> 00:12:49,497 GLADIATORS. 430 00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:51,130 [APPLAUSE] 431 00:12:51,133 --> 00:12:53,773 >> THE ONLY THING STANDING 432 00:12:53,767 --> 00:12:57,097 BETWEEN YOU TWO AND HAPPINESS 433 00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:58,700 EVER AFTER IS MALIBU AND LACE. 434 00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:00,370 HOW ARE YOU, MALIBU? 435 00:13:00,367 --> 00:13:02,527 >> WE ARE SO SWEET, BABY. 436 00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:03,303 WE GOT SOMETHING REAL SPECIAL 437 00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:03,670 FOR YOU. 438 00:13:03,667 --> 00:13:05,627 >> HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, 439 00:13:05,633 --> 00:13:05,903 BO. 440 00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:09,330 YOU NEED TO PROTECT SARAH. 441 00:13:09,333 --> 00:13:12,573 DON'T LET HER GET HIT BY A 442 00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:13,827 TENNIS BALL. 443 00:13:13,833 --> 00:13:15,303 NOBODY GIVES A [BLEEP]. 444 00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:17,470 YOU NEED TO FIRE AT THAT SMALL 445 00:13:17,467 --> 00:13:19,067 TARGET BEHIND THE GLADIATORS. 446 00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:20,497 IF YOU DO THAT, YOU WIN. 447 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,670 THEN CROSS THE FINISH LINE. 448 00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:24,727 AND THEY'RE OFF! 449 00:13:24,733 --> 00:13:37,673 BO IS TAKING A POUNDING. 450 00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:40,967 THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE. 451 00:13:40,967 --> 00:13:43,067 SARAH ALMOST GOT HIT. 452 00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:44,297 THEY'RE AT STATION THREE, 453 00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:50,930 GETTING READY TO FINE THE 454 00:13:50,933 --> 00:13:51,273 CANNON. 455 00:13:51,267 --> 00:13:57,097 AND IT'S A MISS. 456 00:13:57,100 --> 00:13:59,470 >> CONGRATULATIONS, BO. 457 00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:00,727 YOU PROVED YOURSELF OUT THERE. 458 00:14:00,733 --> 00:14:02,073 HOW DID YOU FEEL? 459 00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:03,497 >> IT HURT, BUT SHE WAS WORTH 460 00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:03,770 IT. 461 00:14:03,767 --> 00:14:04,867 >> NO WAY SHE'S NOT TAKING YOU 462 00:14:04,867 --> 00:14:07,467 BACK NOW. 463 00:14:07,467 --> 00:14:08,897 >> SARAH? 464 00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:10,130 DON'T FEEL SO BAD. 465 00:14:10,133 --> 00:14:11,773 NO ONE CAN RESIST MALIBU. 466 00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:14,097 FROM ALL OF US AT AMERICAN 467 00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:19,070 GLADIATORS, I'M DANIEL TOSH. 468 00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:19,467 GOOD NIGHT. 469 00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:20,067 [CHEERS & APPLAUSE] 470 00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:20,727 >> IRONICALLY, MALIBU LIVES IN 471 00:14:20,733 --> 00:14:21,133 RIVERSIDE. 472 00:14:21,133 --> 00:14:21,503 [LAUGHTER] 473 00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:22,230 AND LACE HAS NEVER LOOKED MORE 474 00:14:22,233 --> 00:14:22,733 FEMININE. 475 00:14:22,733 --> 00:14:23,703 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST 476 00:14:23,700 --> 00:14:24,800 IT'S OUR SECURITY GUARD 477 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:25,500 EVERETT'S BLACK CLIP OF THE 478 00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:27,500 WEEK. 479 00:14:34,633 --> 00:14:47,503 >> [BLEEP], [BLEEP] WITH MY 480 00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:52,470 >> FIRST ONE I GOT WAS PINK LADY 481 00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:52,827 SLIPPER. 482 00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:53,973 I LOVE IT. 483 00:14:53,967 --> 00:14:56,167 >> FEW BOUGHT ANY OF THAT, YOU 484 00:14:56,167 --> 00:15:01,397 GOT A SECOND ONE 50% OFF. 485 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,500 THIS SMELLS LIKE ALPINE. 486 00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:08,070 >> I'VE HEARD A LOT OF REVIEWS 487 00:15:08,067 --> 00:15:08,627 ON THIS. 488 00:15:08,633 --> 00:15:12,433 I WASN'T TOO FOND OF IT WHEN I 489 00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:13,703 TRIED IT. 490 00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:18,400 IT WAS LIKE SAGE AND CITRUS. 491 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:18,870 THAT'S MY HALL! 492 00:15:18,867 --> 00:15:19,597 >> AH, WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO 493 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:20,330 GET INTO THAT LITTLE BOY'S ROOM. 494 00:15:20,333 --> 00:15:21,673 I BET IT SMELLS WONDERFUL. 495 00:15:21,667 --> 00:15:23,227 I AM A HUGE CANDLE BUFF MYSELF. 496 00:15:23,233 --> 00:15:25,573 I COULD NOT WAIT TO TALK TO THIS 497 00:15:25,567 --> 00:15:26,967 KID. 498 00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:30,067 PLEASE WELCOME VIA SKYPE, DREW. 499 00:15:30,067 --> 00:15:30,567 [CHEERS & APPLAUSE] 500 00:15:30,567 --> 00:15:31,227 >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. 501 00:15:31,233 --> 00:15:31,833 >> HOW DID YOU GET INTO 502 00:15:31,833 --> 00:15:33,103 COLLECTING CANDLES? 503 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,300 >> I JUST FOUND ONE AT THE STORE 504 00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:36,570 ONE DAY AND I BECAME ADDICTED. 505 00:15:36,567 --> 00:15:37,097 >> ALRIGHT. 506 00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:38,430 BE CAREFUL. 507 00:15:38,433 --> 00:15:41,073 CANDLES ARE A GATEWAY DRUG. 508 00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:41,767 BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE OUT 509 00:15:41,767 --> 00:15:42,497 ON THE STREET GIVING HANDIES TO 510 00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:46,170 HOBOS FOR BATH SALTS. 511 00:15:46,167 --> 00:15:46,867 I'VE BEEN THERE. 512 00:15:46,867 --> 00:15:48,867 WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CANDLE? 513 00:15:48,867 --> 00:15:49,497 >> MY FAVORITE CANDLE IS 514 00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:52,170 MACINTOSH APPLE. 515 00:15:52,167 --> 00:15:54,727 >> MACINTOSH IS MY FAVORITE TOO, 516 00:15:54,733 --> 00:15:55,603 BECAUSE MY NAME'S IN IT. 517 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:56,670 >> AHHH! 518 00:15:56,667 --> 00:15:59,427 CLEVER. 519 00:15:59,433 --> 00:16:01,203 [LAUGHTER] 520 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:01,800 >> YOUR APPROVAL MEANS 521 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:03,470 EVERYTHING TO ME. 522 00:16:03,467 --> 00:16:04,197 ALRIGHT, LET'S PUT THAT NOSE OF 523 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,530 YOURS TO THE TEST. 524 00:16:05,533 --> 00:16:06,203 WE SENT YOU SOME CANDLES TO 525 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:10,130 REVIEW. 526 00:16:10,133 --> 00:16:10,673 DID YOU GET'EM? 527 00:16:10,667 --> 00:16:11,397 >> THIS ONE? 528 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:12,330 >> YEAH, SEE IF YOU CAN TELL ME 529 00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:14,073 WHAT THE SCENT IT IS. 530 00:16:14,067 --> 00:16:18,097 >> IT SMELLS VERY TROPICAL. 531 00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:18,630 PINEAPPLES. 532 00:16:18,633 --> 00:16:19,673 ORANGES. 533 00:16:19,667 --> 00:16:20,167 I DON'T KNOW. 534 00:16:20,167 --> 00:16:21,427 WHAT IS IT? 535 00:16:21,433 --> 00:16:23,203 >> IT'S PEACHES AND SKEET. 536 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,930 [LAUGHTER] 537 00:16:25,933 --> 00:16:27,073 >> PEACHES AND SKEET? 538 00:16:27,067 --> 00:16:29,697 I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT. 539 00:16:29,700 --> 00:16:30,370 >> YEAH, I MADE IT MYSELF. 540 00:16:30,367 --> 00:16:32,097 ALRIGHT. 541 00:16:32,100 --> 00:16:33,930 NEXT? 542 00:16:33,933 --> 00:16:38,633 >> WE HAVE A PURPLE CANDLE. 543 00:16:38,633 --> 00:16:40,273 SMELLS LIKE CINNAMON. 544 00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:41,227 >> OOH, SORRY, THAT IS WARM 545 00:16:41,233 --> 00:16:42,803 MOTHER'S QUEEF. 546 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,900 [LAUGHTER] 547 00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:46,400 >> MMHM. 548 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,430 >> MMHM. 549 00:16:49,433 --> 00:16:51,973 NOT A FAN OF THIS BIT, ARE YOU? 550 00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:52,597 ALRIGHT, YOU'RE 0 FOR 2. 551 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:53,300 LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN FINISH 552 00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:54,630 STRONG. 553 00:16:54,633 --> 00:16:59,433 >> WE HAVE THE GREEN ONE. 554 00:16:59,433 --> 00:17:00,373 SMELLS LIKE "DUNE GRASS" FROM 555 00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:01,797 YANKEE CANDLE. 556 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:02,270 >> OH CLOSE. 557 00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:04,627 NO. 558 00:17:04,633 --> 00:17:05,803 THAT IS "MAN ASS." 559 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:06,530 >> OH, I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT 560 00:17:06,533 --> 00:17:07,133 CANDLE. 561 00:17:07,133 --> 00:17:08,833 >> HA HA HA. 562 00:17:08,833 --> 00:17:11,533 IT GROWS ON YOU. 563 00:17:11,533 --> 00:17:12,203 I WENT THROUGH A PHASE IN 564 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:12,870 COLLEGE WHERE I LOVED THAT 565 00:17:12,867 --> 00:17:13,627 CANDLE. 566 00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,073 [LAUGHTER] 567 00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:15,767 IT WOULD JUST COME WAFTING DOWN 568 00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:17,067 THE HALLS. 569 00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:17,797 PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE, "OH, 570 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,530 THERE'S DANIEL BURNING ANOTHER 571 00:17:19,533 --> 00:17:20,603 CANDLE." 572 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:21,900 [LAUGHTER] 573 00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:22,630 ALRIGHT, YOU'RE A GOOD SPORT, 574 00:17:22,633 --> 00:17:22,933 DREW. 575 00:17:22,933 --> 00:17:23,503 THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 576 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:24,430 >> YOU'RE WELCOME, DANIEL. 577 00:17:24,433 --> 00:17:25,373 THANKS FOR HAVING ME. 578 00:17:25,367 --> 00:17:28,567 >> BYE! 579 00:17:28,567 --> 00:17:29,267 >> ALRIGHT. 580 00:17:29,267 --> 00:17:30,227 THIS WEEK, WE DO NOT HAVE A 581 00:17:30,233 --> 00:17:30,773 VIEWER VIDEO -- 582 00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:34,067 [AUDIENCE AHHS] 583 00:17:34,067 --> 00:17:34,797 >> BECAUSE WE FOUND A CLIP OF A 584 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:35,530 HYENA EATING A DEAD ELEPHANT'S 585 00:17:35,533 --> 00:17:36,433 B-HOLE. 586 00:17:36,433 --> 00:17:41,233 [CHEERS] 587 00:17:41,233 --> 00:17:44,203 >> THE COAST IS CLEAR. 588 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:48,670 THE HYENA CALCULATES TO STRIKE 589 00:17:48,667 --> 00:17:49,067 FIRST. 590 00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:52,397 [LAUGHTER] 591 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:53,170 >> THAT'S HOW MY DOG WAKES ME UP 592 00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:54,427 EVERY MORNING. 593 00:17:54,433 --> 00:17:56,103 [LAUGHTER] 594 00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:57,330 GROW UP, OKAY. 595 00:17:57,333 --> 00:17:59,073 THE CIRCLE OF LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. 596 00:17:59,067 --> 00:18:00,367 [LAUGHTER] 597 00:18:00,367 --> 00:18:01,397 WE HAVEN'T EVEN GOT TO MY 598 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,670 FAVORITE PART YET. 599 00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:08,127 [LAUGHTER] 600 00:18:08,133 --> 00:18:08,873 I BET THIS IS THE ONE THING THE 601 00:18:08,867 --> 00:18:09,497 ELEPHANT WOULDN'T MIND 602 00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:12,400 FORGETTING. 603 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:13,100 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE 604 00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:15,470 JUMP CUTS, BUT FIRST HERE'S 605 00:18:15,467 --> 00:18:16,667 SOMETHING FOR THE STUDIO 606 00:18:16,667 --> 00:18:17,567 AUDIENCE TO TAKE THEIR MIND OFF 607 00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:21,297 THAT ELEPHANT'S ASS. 608 00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:29,130 [LAUGHTER] 609 00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:30,133 [CHEERS & APPLAUSE] 610 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:37,930 [CHEERS & APPLAUSE] 611 00:18:37,933 --> 00:18:39,503 >> WELCOME BACK, MAGGOTS. 612 00:18:39,500 --> 00:18:42,170 IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE VIDEO 613 00:18:42,167 --> 00:18:42,867 THAT MADE MY AUDIENCE SCREAM, 614 00:18:42,867 --> 00:18:43,597 THERE WILL BE DIRECTIONS TO IT 615 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,070 ON OUR BLOG. 616 00:18:45,067 --> 00:18:46,427 ALRIGHT. 617 00:18:46,433 --> 00:18:47,503 THE OSCARS WERE ON SUNDAY, AND 618 00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:48,630 AS ALWAYS, MY FAVORITE PART WAS 619 00:18:48,633 --> 00:18:49,373 WHEN THEY SHOWED THE PEOPLE WHO 620 00:18:49,367 --> 00:18:52,327 DIED THIS YEAR. 621 00:18:52,333 --> 00:18:53,073 BUT IT MADE ME THINK, I OUGHT TO 622 00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:53,827 HONOR THE PEOPLE WHO DIED ON THE 623 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:58,203 INTERNET IN 2010. 624 00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:07,627 ** 625 00:19:07,633 --> 00:19:11,703 [APPLAUSE] 626 00:19:12,933 --> 00:19:30,373 ** 627 00:19:30,367 --> 00:19:33,797 ** 628 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,070 [APPLAUSE] 629 00:19:35,067 --> 00:19:35,797 THERE IS NOT A DRY EYE IN THE 630 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,300 HOUSE! 631 00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:38,070 ACTUALLY, I'M NOT SURE IF ALL OF 632 00:19:38,067 --> 00:19:39,967 THOSE PEOPLE ARE DEAD. 633 00:19:39,967 --> 00:19:41,727 WE DON'T DO MUCH RESEARCH AROUND 634 00:19:41,733 --> 00:19:43,103 HERE. 635 00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,130 MY APOLOGIES TO THE SURVIVORS 636 00:19:44,133 --> 00:19:44,833 AND THEIR FAMILIES, BUT KNOW 637 00:19:44,833 --> 00:19:46,673 THAT YOU HAVE A SECOND CHANCE. 638 00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:49,597 [LAUGHTER] 639 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:50,330 NEXT WEEK, THIS GUY GETS A WEB 640 00:19:50,333 --> 00:19:53,873 REDEMPTION. 641 00:19:53,867 --> 00:19:59,627 >> MY NAME IS BILL DAVIDSON. 642 00:19:59,633 --> 00:20:01,633 AND I'M TAKING MY PARTY'S 643 00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:05,733 POSITION FOR THE TREASURER. 644 00:20:05,733 --> 00:20:06,273 >> HE'S GOT MY VOTE. 645 00:20:06,267 --> 00:20:07,027 BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER 646 00:20:07,033 --> 00:20:07,773 SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE 647 00:20:07,767 --> 00:20:08,067 SHOWS. 648 00:20:08,067 --> 00:20:08,827 KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG OVER 649 00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:09,603 AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM. 650 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:10,770 AND MY NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL 651 00:20:10,767 --> 00:20:11,667 "HAPPY THOUGHTS" PREMIERES THIS 652 00:20:11,667 --> 00:20:13,397 SUNDAY, MARCH 6TH. 653 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:14,200 SO I CAN FINALLY STOP PLUGGING 654 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,600 IT. 655 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:16,670 [LAUGHTER] 656 00:20:16,667 --> 00:20:17,467 ALRIGHT. 657 00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:18,227 IT WAS GREAT MEETING ALL MY FANS 658 00:20:18,233 --> 00:20:18,973 ACROSS THE COUNTRY ON THE TOSH 659 00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:19,597 TOUR. 660 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:20,700 THE BEST PART WAS GETTING TO 661 00:20:20,700 --> 00:20:21,630 TELL THEM WHAT I THINK ABOUT 662 00:20:21,633 --> 00:20:25,903 THEM RIGHT TO THEIR FACE. 663 00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:30,600 >> DON'T TALK ANYMORE, ALL 664 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:31,100 RIGHT? 665 00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:32,870 IF YOU SAY ONE MORE WORD -- I 666 00:20:32,867 --> 00:20:35,497 KNOW YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING CUTE 667 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:39,070 BUT YOU'RE RUINING JOKES YOU 668 00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:39,867 HAVEN'T HEARD, YOU [BLEEP]. 669 00:20:39,867 --> 00:20:42,167 [LAUGHTER] 670 00:20:42,167 --> 00:20:43,697 >> AH, MAN, I REALLY KNOW HOW TO 671 00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:45,870 GIVE BACK TO MY FANS. 672 00:20:45,867 --> 00:20:47,627 YES, I HAD THEM KICKED OUT. 673 00:20:47,633 --> 00:20:48,973 STAY TUNED FOR AN ALL-NEW RERUN 674 00:20:48,967 --> 00:20:50,667 OF TOSH.0. 675 00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:51,297 WHAT DO YOU HAVE GOING ON 676 00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:53,900 TONIGHT, DANIEL? 677 00:20:53,900 --> 00:20:55,500 WELL, JON, IT'S A CLASSIC WEB 678 00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:56,270 REDEMPTION WITH SOME IDIOT FROM 679 00:20:56,267 --> 00:20:57,027 THE INTERNET, AND WE MAKE FUN OF 680 00:20:57,033 --> 00:20:59,173 ASIANS THIS WEEK. 681 00:20:59,167 --> 00:20:59,897 I THINK I'VE ALREADY SEEN THAT 682 00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:01,770 ONE, DANIEL. 683 00:21:01,767 --> 00:21:02,297 SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. 684 00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:03,370 GOODNIGHT. 685 00:21:03,367 --> 00:21:03,797 SIT, UBU, SIT. 686 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:07,230 GOOD DOG. 687 00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:11,203 [CHEERS & APPLAUSE] 41328

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