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>> I WAS THINKING -- OH.
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IT'S GOT THIS SUCTION THING.
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WHAT'S IT FOR?
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>> STOP.
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WHAT IS THAT SON OF A BITCH?
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OH, MY GOD.
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>> OKAY.
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HE'S DONE.
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HERE --
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>> HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S DONE?
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>> WELL, BECAUSE HE JUST PULLED
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IT UP INSIDE OF HIM --
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[ SCREAMING ]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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[***]
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>> Tosh: NOTHING SLOW OR STEADY
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ABOUT THAT PROTEIN BLAST.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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YOU'D HAVE TO BE INSANE TO SPENT
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$200 ON A PAIR OF CHUCKS.
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BUT THESE AREN'T JUST ANY
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CHUCKS.
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THEY WERE DESIGNED BY MASSONI.
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STILL NO ARCH SUPPORT THOUGH.
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DOESN'T WE ARE A WRONG CLIMBER
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THAT POOPD HIS PANTS AND I GET
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IN TOUCH WITH MY FEMININE SIDE
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AND WATCH MY FANS TRY TO BE
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FUNNY.
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NOW, LET'S SEE THE TURTLE COME
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OUT OF HIS SHELL AGAIN.
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YOU GET IT?
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COME.
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>> GODDAMN WHAT IS THAT SON OF A
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BITCH?
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>> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THIS?
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>> Tosh: IT LOOKS LIKE A
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BRATWURST THAT EXPLODED IN THE
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MICROWAVE.
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>> HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S DONE?
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>> HE JUST PULLED IT UP INSIDE
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OF HIM --
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>> AH!
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>> WHAT IS THAT?
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>> DID HE HAVE AN ORGASM?
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>> Tosh: CAREFUL THE PATIO'S A
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LITTLE SLICK.
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MY TURTLE JUST WAXED IT.
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>> IS THAT TURTLE PEE?
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>> Tosh: HE'LL BE READY FOR
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ANOTHER ROUND IN 30 YEARS.
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I'VE NEVER SEEN HOW MUCH -- HOW
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OLD IS HERE.
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THAT'S THE CREEPIEST THING YOU
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CAN HEAR AN OLD MAN SAY IN A
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SOUTHERN ACCENT.
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IT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME YOU
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WAS EATING PIZZA WITH THE TEEN
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AGED MUTANT NINJA TURTLES.
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THIS NEXT GIRL LOVES TO FLY AND
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IT SHOWS.
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SHE SHOULD CALL HER BOOBS THE
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WRITE SISTERS.
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LOCATE THE EXIT NEAREST TO YOU
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IN THE EVENT THE PLANE IS ON ITS
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PERIOD.
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TECHNICALLY IT MAKES HER MOUTH A
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COCKPIT.
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TECHNICALLY.
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THOSE ARE SMALL ENGINES.
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THAT'S WHY I ONLY FLY ON JETS.
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>> LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: BEFORE WE GO ANY
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FURTHER LET ME ADDRESS THE
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ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.
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WE ALL SAW MY AMAZING PHYSIQUE
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IN THAT LAST BIT.
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REMEMBER WHEN IT USED TO BE
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SILLY WHEN I TOOK MY SHIRTS POP
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THAT'S JUST TWO YEARS AGO.
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HYSTERICAL.
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NOW IT JUST SEEMS LIKE I'MING
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ABOUT MY KILLER ABS, PECS AND
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LATS.
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DON'T WORRY I WON'T GET FAT LIKE
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VINCE VAUGHN AFTER SINGERS BUT I
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WILL BE FUNNY AGAIN.
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REMEMBER, IT'S CHEATING IF YOU
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MAKE YOUR OWN SIGMATA.
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I ASSUME MEL GIBSON DIRECTED
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THIS.
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[ SCREAMING ]
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>> Tosh: BE CAREFUL.
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YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS AND HIT
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YOUR THUMB.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: AT LEAST PUT DOWN A
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COASTER.
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COFFEE TABLE IS MUCH MORE
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COMFORTABLE.
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I HOPE HE WON'T BE A PUSSY AND
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PIN THE WHOLE THING JUDAS.
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AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR AMASIAN.
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THAT'S ASIANS DOING SOMETHING
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AMAZING.
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[***]
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>> Tosh: IS THIS ANIME?
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EVERY ROOM OVER THERE IS A
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CLASSROOM.
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>> Tosh: IF YOU ENJOYED THAT
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YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW YOU CAN
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BY PANTIES IN A VENDING MACHINE.
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JAPAN IS WEIRD.
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MAYBE NEXT TIME MORE KISSING,
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LESS TRASH CANS.
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HELLO KITTY.
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HARD TO TELL THEM APART IN
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UNIFORM BUT THEY PROBABLY THINK
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WE ALL LOOK ALIKE TOO.
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[***]
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[ GUNSHOT ]
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: I GOT ONE PERSON TO
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CLAP.
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GREAT.
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NOW WE CAN'T DO THE ULTIMATE
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TABOO.
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THAT'S WHEN IDENTENTICAL TWINS
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HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER.
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LOOK IT UP.
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NEXT VIDEO IS STILL WAY SAFER
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THAN LETTING JASON KIDD DRIVE.
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[ SCREAMING ]
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>> Tosh: RACING DOES TO WHITE
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GUYS WHAT MOVIES DO TO BLACK
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GUYS.
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I'M SURE THIS WAS DANICA
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PATRICK'S FAULT.
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WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET A
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CAUSE FLAG AROUND THERE.
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HERE'S YET ANOTHER THING WOMEN
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DO BETTER THAN MEN.
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[***]
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T
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DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING
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WHEN EVERYONE'S WATCHING.
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NOW LET'S OBJECTIFY MEN IN THE
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WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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IT'S OPEN POLE NIGHT DOWN AT THE
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LOAD HOUSE SO PLEASE WELCOME TO
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THE MAIN STAGE, BURT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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HE'S JUST DOING IT TO PUT HIS
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GIRLFRIEND THROUGH COLLEGE.
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IT'S CALLED BEEFY Ts FOR A
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REASON.
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THINK JORDAN WOULD ENDORSE A
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PRODUCT EASY TO TEAR.
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FYI, MOST OF HULK HOGAN SHIRTS
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WERE PRE-RIPPED.
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I CAN'T TELL IT'S NOT A GAY CLUB
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BECAUSE HE'S NOT IN GOOD SHAPE
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AND I DON'T RECOGNIZE THE CLUB.
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MAYBE STOP HAVING A WATER FIGHT
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WITH YOUR SELF.
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NOW SHOVE A FEW POTATO SKINS IN
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HIS WAIST AND SEE IF HE STOPS.
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AT LEAST WEAR LINEN PANTS SO WE
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CAN SEE THE OUTLINE OF THE
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PYTHON YOUR PACKING.
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HEY, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO
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LEAVE THE STAGE UNTIL SOMEONE
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RELIEVES YOU.
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DOES HAVE SOMEONE HAVE A SHIRT?
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I'M GLAD HE REMINDED US JOE
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PATERNO'S STATUE SHUT HAVE
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FALLEN MINUTES AGO FOR THAT WE
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THANK YOU.
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WE'
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WE'LL BE BACK WITH A [BLEEP]
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ROCK CLIMBER.
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FIRST, HOW TO CLIMB A KANGAROO.
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>> HERE'S ONE HERE NOW.
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YOU GET YOUR SHOPPING BAG AND
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PUT IT OVER THE KANGAROO AND IT
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WILL FALL IN.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> THERE YOU HAVE A KANGAROO.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> OH, I'M SO HUNG OVER.
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GUYS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
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[BLEEP]
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>> SUPER STUFFED.
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>> YEAH.
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>> I [BLEEP]ED MY PANTS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I JUST [BLEEP]ED MY PANTS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: TWO GUYS, ONE MOUNTAIN.
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DOES SMART WOOL WICK AWAY HUMAN
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PIECES.
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THAT'S JASON KRUCK AND HE'S
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RERESPECTED PLANNER.
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[BLEEP]ING IN PUBLIC MEANS WHY
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YOU PLANNED YOUR DAY WRONG.
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DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY BERRIES,
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SEEDS AND OATS WERE IN THAT
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TURD?
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I WOULDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO EAT
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IT.
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I WASN'T A BOY SCOTT BECAUSE BOY
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SCOUTS ARE HOMOPHOBIC IN OTHER
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WORDS.
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CLIMBING FOR CHILDREN AND
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MONKEYS.
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IF YOU'RE OVER 21 YOU SHOULD BE
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SITTING IN A CHAIR ALL DAY
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WAITING FOR A BLOOD CLOTS.
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A CARABINER ISN'T GOING TO SAVE
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YOUR LIFE, IT'S A FANCY KEY
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CHAIN FOR FRAT DUDES.
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IF GOD WANTED TO YOU CLIMB MT.
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EVEREST HE WOULD HAVE PUT OXYGEN
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UP THERE.
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YOU KNOW WHAT BEATS THE HIGH OF
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REACHING THE SUMMIT?
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FLYING OVER IT IN YOUR PRIVATE
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JET.
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THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE IS SPACE
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MOUNTAIN UNLESS YOU HAVE A FAST
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PASS YOU'LL [BLEEP] YOUR PANTS.
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HERE EVERYONE IS A SOCIAL
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CLIMBER ON THIS WEEK'S WEB
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REDEMPTION.
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>> HEY, DANIEL.
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>> GOOD MORNING, JASON.
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I COULDN'T FINISH TO THE SUMMIT
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SO I DECIDED TO TAKE A BREAK AND
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REST UP.
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YOU WANT SOME BREAKFAST.
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>> NO, I ATE THIS MORNING.
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>> I BET YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND
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WHEN YOU FIND OUT VI PIPING HOT
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WAFFLES.
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>> NOPE.
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>> OKAY, THE BATHROOM?
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>> NO.
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>> OKAY.
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I ON THE OTHER HAND NEED TO USE
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THIS.
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IF YOU GIVE ME A FEW SECONDS
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I'LL BE GOOD TO GO.
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WE'RE OKAY.
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DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
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I'M AN EXPERIENCED CLIMBER.
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>> Tosh: JASON WHERE ARE YOU
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FROM?
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>> BC CANADA.
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>> Tosh: WHAT'S IT NEAR?
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>> BETWEEN WHISTLER.
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>> Tosh: GOOD LOOKING WOMEN UP
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THERE.
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>> RESPECT.
266
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,370
>> Tosh: WHEN WAS IT?
267
00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:47,967
>> TWO YEARS AGO
268
00:10:47,967 --> 00:10:49,327
>> Tosh: WHAT HAPPENED ON THE
269
00:10:49,333 --> 00:10:49,903
DAY?
270
00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:53,330
>> HE WOKE ME UP AND WE WERE
271
00:10:53,333 --> 00:10:55,073
GOING TO SHOOT ON THE CRACK AND
272
00:10:55,067 --> 00:10:58,327
AS IT GO NARROWER I KEPT WEDGING
273
00:10:58,333 --> 00:11:00,733
MY KNEE FOR UPWARD PROGRESS AND
274
00:11:00,733 --> 00:11:02,233
IT LOCKED IN THERE.
275
00:11:02,233 --> 00:11:03,373
>> Tosh: HOW LONG WERE YOU
276
00:11:03,367 --> 00:11:04,497
ACTUALLY IN THERE FOR?
277
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:06,500
>> 25 MINUTES, HALF AN HOUR.
278
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:07,730
>> Tosh: WHY DO YOU THINK HAVE
279
00:11:07,733 --> 00:11:11,173
YOU TO GO TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT
280
00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:11,697
THEN?
281
00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:12,530
>> BEFORE THE ROOT.
282
00:11:12,533 --> 00:11:13,833
>> YOU DIDN'T THINK BEFORE WE
283
00:11:13,833 --> 00:11:16,133
START THIS LET ME GO.
284
00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:19,073
>> I'VE DONE THE CLIMB BEFORE
285
00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:20,427
AND THOUGHT I'D ACE UP THERE
286
00:11:20,433 --> 00:11:21,933
REAL QUICK.
287
00:11:21,933 --> 00:11:26,803
>> Tosh: ONCE YOU REALIZE YOU
288
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,830
HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM WHEN
289
00:11:29,833 --> 00:11:30,973
DID YOU [BLEEP] YOURSELF.
290
00:11:30,967 --> 00:11:32,797
>> I WAS IN PAIN AND PROBABLY
291
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:33,570
GOING INTO SHOCK.
292
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,797
>> Tosh: IT WAS A STRATEGY.
293
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,170
DID YOU THINK BY [BLEEP]ING YOU
294
00:11:37,167 --> 00:11:38,497
WOULD LOSE WEIGHT AND YOUR KNEE
295
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:39,400
WOULD GET SMALLER.
296
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:42,800
>> NO, IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN
297
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,070
HAVE YOU TO TAKE A [BLEEP].
298
00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:47,627
>> Tosh: WAS IT LIQUID?
299
00:11:47,633 --> 00:11:48,473
>> YES.
300
00:11:48,467 --> 00:11:51,127
>> Tosh: YOU WERE IN WISCONSIN,
301
00:11:51,133 --> 00:11:53,403
TEXAS AND ONCE IN HOLLYWOOD.
302
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:54,500
THAT'S THE LEAST PROUD.
303
00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:56,130
THE OTHER TWO THERE'S
304
00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:56,733
EXPLANATIONS.
305
00:11:56,733 --> 00:11:59,073
>> TO BE HONEST I DON'T TRUST
306
00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,467
ANYONE WHO HASN'T [BLEEP]ED
307
00:12:00,467 --> 00:12:01,567
THEMSELVES AS AN ADULT.
308
00:12:01,567 --> 00:12:02,597
>> Tosh: THANK YOU.
309
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:04,800
>> THEY'RE PROBABLY A LIAR.
310
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:07,500
>> Tosh: DO YOU KNOW WHO AARON
311
00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:08,300
ROLF IS?
312
00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:10,330
>> I READ HIS BOOK.
313
00:12:10,333 --> 00:12:11,403
>> Tosh: DO YOU THINK YOUR
314
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,630
SITUATION WAS MORE DEVASTATING.
315
00:12:12,633 --> 00:12:16,633
>> I DON'T KNOW IF IT CAN BE
316
00:12:16,633 --> 00:12:19,333
ARGUED MINE WAS MORE
317
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:20,073
DEVASTATING.
318
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:22,427
HE LOST AN ARM.
319
00:12:22,433 --> 00:12:26,403
>> Tosh: DID YOU GET AIR LIFTED.
320
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:30,170
>> NO.
321
00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:32,727
>> Tosh: WHAT'S IT LIKE GOING TO
322
00:12:32,733 --> 00:12:33,473
THE SUMMIT.
323
00:12:33,467 --> 00:12:36,397
>> WE CALL IS A SKY DUMP.
324
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,600
OR A GOOD ARCHING PEE IS
325
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:39,200
SATISFYING.
326
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:42,400
>> Tosh: ANY DAYS OF AN ARCHING
327
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,430
PEE IS OVER.
328
00:12:44,433 --> 00:12:49,333
MY URETHRA HAS BEEN RUINED FROM
329
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:51,133
YEARS OF ABUSE.
330
00:12:51,133 --> 00:12:57,473
DOES THE CRAPPING BRING YOU TWO
331
00:12:57,467 --> 00:12:58,467
CLOSER TOGETHER.
332
00:12:58,467 --> 00:12:58,967
>> SORRY.
333
00:12:58,967 --> 00:13:00,227
>> WE'RE ALREADY.
334
00:13:00,233 --> 00:13:05,173
>> WE WEREN'T THAT GOOD A
335
00:13:05,167 --> 00:13:08,627
BUDDIES BEFORE BUT BROUGHT US
336
00:13:08,633 --> 00:13:09,273
CLOSER.
337
00:13:09,267 --> 00:13:10,367
>> Tosh: WHAT DID YOUR FRIENDS
338
00:13:10,367 --> 00:13:11,497
CALL YOU AFTER?
339
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:16,070
>> THEY CALLED ME POOPY FOR A
340
00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:16,627
WHILE.
341
00:13:16,633 --> 00:13:18,173
>> I WANT TO SEE IF YOU CAN
342
00:13:18,167 --> 00:13:19,567
CLIMB OUTDOORS BEFORE [BLEEP]ING
343
00:13:19,567 --> 00:13:19,927
YOUR SELF.
344
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,603
READY TO GIVE IT A SHOT?
345
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,130
>> YEAH, LET'S GO.
346
00:13:24,133 --> 00:13:27,103
IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUT HERE.
347
00:13:27,100 --> 00:13:36,100
CAN I TRUE IN A KUDOS.
348
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:37,070
>> WHAT'S WRONG?
349
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:39,927
>> I HAVE TO POOP.
350
00:13:39,933 --> 00:13:41,303
>> IN A SITUATION LIKE THANK YOU
351
00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:43,130
HAVE TO START PANICKING
352
00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:43,773
IMMEDIATELY.
353
00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:45,397
>> I JUST [BLEEP]ED MY PANTS.
354
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:47,700
>> IF YOU [BLEEP] ON ME I WELL
355
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,070
[BLEEP]ING KILL YOU.
356
00:13:49,067 --> 00:13:50,867
>> HEY, GUYS.
357
00:13:50,867 --> 00:13:51,767
WHAT'S GOING ON?
358
00:13:51,767 --> 00:13:54,127
>> JAMES FRANCO, THE GUY FROM
359
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:56,533
THE MOVIE THAT PRETENDED TO CUT
360
00:13:56,533 --> 00:13:59,373
HIS HAND OFF.
361
00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:03,667
NO, I'M THE REAL JAMES FRANCO.
362
00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:05,197
>> WHY DIDN'T YOU START PULLING
363
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:06,730
HARD WHEN YOUR ARM WAS STUCK?
364
00:14:06,733 --> 00:14:08,133
>> I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.
365
00:14:08,133 --> 00:14:09,133
>> KNOCK IT OFF.
366
00:14:09,133 --> 00:14:10,403
THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
367
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,130
I'M ABOUT TO [BLEEP] MY PANTS.
368
00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:16,473
>> NOT ON MY WATCH.
369
00:14:16,467 --> 00:14:17,267
>> IT WORKED.
370
00:14:17,267 --> 00:14:18,667
NOW I DON'T HAVE TO POOP ANY
371
00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:19,127
MORE.
372
00:14:19,133 --> 00:14:20,133
>> GREAT, GET OUT OF HERE.
373
00:14:20,133 --> 00:14:22,733
>> NO, DANIEL I CAN'T TAKE MY
374
00:14:22,733 --> 00:14:24,203
FIST OUT OF HIS BUTT.
375
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:25,300
IT WOULDN'T BE SAFE.
376
00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:27,070
I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO.
377
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:30,667
>> HAVE YOU TO CUT MY ARM OFF.
378
00:14:30,667 --> 00:14:34,727
[LAUGHTER]
379
00:14:34,733 --> 00:14:36,873
>> FIRST OF ALL WHY IN THE WORLD
380
00:14:36,867 --> 00:14:39,067
DO YOU CLIMB WITH A CIRCULAR
381
00:14:39,067 --> 00:14:39,597
SAW?
382
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,070
>> I THINK WE BOTH KNOW WHY.
383
00:14:41,067 --> 00:14:43,967
>> I CAN'T DO IT.
384
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:46,297
>> DAMN IT, DANIEL, HAVE YOU TO.
385
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:47,330
IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
386
00:14:47,333 --> 00:14:55,433
>> ALL RIGHT.
387
00:14:55,433 --> 00:14:58,333
>> NO!
388
00:14:58,333 --> 00:15:00,603
[LAUGHTER]
389
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,300
>> Tosh: THAT WASN'T SO BAD.
390
00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:04,130
>> THANKS.
391
00:15:04,133 --> 00:15:06,733
>> YOU'RE A REAL HERO.
392
00:15:06,733 --> 00:15:07,773
>> DON'T MENTION IT.
393
00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:09,627
NOW GET OUT OF HERE YOU TWO.
394
00:15:09,633 --> 00:15:11,173
>> I BETTER GET ANOTHER BOOK
395
00:15:11,167 --> 00:15:11,697
DEAL OUT OF THIS.
396
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:13,730
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
397
00:15:13,733 --> 00:15:15,533
>> Tosh: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT
398
00:15:15,533 --> 00:15:16,933
FIRST SOMETIMES NO REFLEXES ARE
399
00:15:16,933 --> 00:15:24,833
THE BEST REFLEXES OF ALL.
400
00:15:24,833 --> 00:15:25,433
>> [BLEEP].
401
00:15:25,433 --> 00:15:29,373
[BLEEP]
402
00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:31,867
[LAUGHTER]
403
00:15:31,867 --> 00:15:35,127
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
404
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:43,600
>> WHAT'S UP, TOSH?
405
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,970
>> DANIEL TOSH, I LOVE YOU.
406
00:15:45,967 --> 00:15:47,067
>> YOU'RE THE BEST.
407
00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:48,627
>> Tosh: SOME FEMINISTS THINK
408
00:15:48,633 --> 00:15:52,333
THE SHOW IS JUST FOR SEXIST
409
00:15:52,333 --> 00:15:58,703
DUDES BUT IN ALL HONESTY, 63%
410
00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:02,770
ARE SEXIST FEMALES.
411
00:16:02,767 --> 00:16:04,327
THAT'S MORE THAN OPRAH'S
412
00:16:04,333 --> 00:16:04,933
COMBINED.
413
00:16:04,933 --> 00:16:07,673
I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING NICE
414
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:10,727
FOR MY TRASHY LADIES BE A GOT A
415
00:16:10,733 --> 00:16:16,673
SUIT TO WALK A MILE IN YOUR
416
00:16:16,667 --> 00:16:17,267
GENITALS.
417
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:17,967
>> THIS IS NICE.
418
00:16:17,967 --> 00:16:19,167
>> WANT TO SWIM FASTER?
419
00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:22,627
>> NO, THIS IS GOING TO HELP ME
420
00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:26,073
IDENTIFY WITH OUR FEMALE
421
00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:27,197
AUDIENCE.
422
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:27,770
BATMAN.
423
00:16:27,767 --> 00:16:30,427
YOU READ THE INSTRUCTIONS.
424
00:16:30,433 --> 00:16:33,433
>> THANK YOU FOR PURCHASING THE
425
00:16:33,433 --> 00:16:34,073
SHE-KIT.
426
00:16:34,067 --> 00:16:40,097
THE BODY SUIT WITH URINATION
427
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:40,900
POUCH KIT.
428
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:43,670
>> Tosh: LOUDER.
429
00:16:43,667 --> 00:16:47,367
>> DO NOT GET LACQUER THINNER OR
430
00:16:47,367 --> 00:16:50,397
RUBBING ALCOHOL ON IT.
431
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,830
WEAR A LOT OF POWDER IN THERE.
432
00:16:52,833 --> 00:16:55,233
>> IT SAYS LAY ON YOUR BACK.
433
00:16:55,233 --> 00:16:56,873
>> IT'S OKAY.
434
00:16:56,867 --> 00:16:58,727
THIS IS GOING TO BE YOUR NEW
435
00:16:58,733 --> 00:16:59,403
MOMMY.
436
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,230
ALL RIGHT FROM THE WAIST DOWN I
437
00:17:02,233 --> 00:17:03,073
FEEL SEXY.
438
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:06,467
>> DO NOT PULL THE SUIT UP YOUR
439
00:17:06,467 --> 00:17:06,927
BUTT.
440
00:17:06,933 --> 00:17:08,473
JUST TO THE BUTT CRACK NOT IN
441
00:17:08,467 --> 00:17:09,067
IT.
442
00:17:09,067 --> 00:17:10,497
IF YOU HAVE AN ERECTION YOU'LL
443
00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:12,600
FIND IT EASIER TO GET YOUR PENIS
444
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:13,830
INTO THE PENIS POUCH.
445
00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:15,273
THAT'S IMPORTANT.
446
00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:16,427
FINALLY, PLACE THE MASK OVER
447
00:17:16,433 --> 00:17:23,373
YOUR HEAD AND ENJOY.
448
00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:24,167
[INDISCERNIBLE].
449
00:17:24,167 --> 00:17:25,527
>> THE WHOLE FOR THE EYES ARE
450
00:17:25,533 --> 00:17:27,533
NOT THE RIGHT SIZE.
451
00:17:27,533 --> 00:17:29,673
>> LET ME WORK MY HAND AROUND TO
452
00:17:29,667 --> 00:17:34,127
YOUR BREAST.
453
00:17:34,133 --> 00:17:34,903
[INDISCERNIBLE].
454
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:35,630
>> YOUR BREAST ARE IN PLACE.
455
00:17:35,633 --> 00:17:39,933
I'M SUITING YOU UP NOW.
456
00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:42,573
LET ME FIX YOUR BOOBS.
457
00:17:42,567 --> 00:17:44,827
YOU'RE RIGHT ONE'S A LITTLE LOW.
458
00:17:44,833 --> 00:17:47,273
I THINK I REALLY MESSED IT UP.
459
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,267
LET ME ADJUST YOUR WIG.
460
00:17:49,267 --> 00:17:51,897
I WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE.
461
00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:53,470
>> IT'S JUST OVER 40 MINUTES.
462
00:17:53,467 --> 00:17:57,667
THANKS, BATMAN.
463
00:17:57,667 --> 00:18:00,567
WHERE THE [BLEEP] DID BATMAN GO?
464
00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:03,567
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
465
00:18:03,567 --> 00:18:06,927
>> Tosh: PUTTING ON THIS
466
00:18:06,933 --> 00:18:09,073
SHE-SKIN MADE ME REALIZE MEN AND
467
00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:10,927
WOMEN ARE NOT THAT DIFFERENT.
468
00:18:10,933 --> 00:18:12,803
AND I'D ALSO LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
469
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,630
IF IT SEEMS I'VE BEEN A LITTLE
470
00:18:14,633 --> 00:18:15,233
CRANKY.
471
00:18:15,233 --> 00:18:18,233
I'M HAVING REALLY BAD CRAMPS.
472
00:18:18,233 --> 00:18:20,303
MY UTERUS IS SHEDDING IT'S
473
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,730
LINING OR SO I'M TOLD.
474
00:18:21,733 --> 00:18:23,933
DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG
475
00:18:23,933 --> 00:18:27,073
AND UPLOAD OUR CLIP FOR A CHANCE
476
00:18:27,067 --> 00:18:29,197
FOR THE VIEWER VIDEO THIS WEEK
477
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:34,270
COMES FROM ANN GLASER.
478
00:18:34,267 --> 00:18:39,067
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
479
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:40,767
>> I ALWAYS KNEW BOARS HEAD WAS
480
00:18:40,767 --> 00:18:42,827
A TOOL OF THE NAZIS.
481
00:18:42,833 --> 00:18:44,073
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
482
00:18:44,067 --> 00:18:44,797
TWO-DRINK MINIMUM.
483
00:18:46,233 --> 00:18:55,833
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
484
00:18:55,833 --> 00:18:58,073
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
485
00:18:58,067 --> 00:18:58,827
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.
486
00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:00,073
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS
487
00:19:00,067 --> 00:19:02,827
WEEK YOU'RE NOT WELCOME BACK.
488
00:19:02,833 --> 00:19:03,633
BEAT IT.
489
00:19:03,633 --> 00:19:04,073
SCRAM.
490
00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:05,527
VAMOOSE.
491
00:19:05,533 --> 00:19:07,873
NEXT WEEK'S OUR FINAL EPISODE OF
492
00:19:07,867 --> 00:19:09,327
THE SUMMER AND WE'RE SAYING
493
00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:10,433
GOOD-BYE IN THE CLASSIEST WAY
494
00:19:10,433 --> 00:19:11,703
POSSIBLE WITH A PUKE PARTY OR
495
00:19:11,700 --> 00:19:14,070
THE AGES.
496
00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:15,767
WELL, NEXT WEEK.
497
00:19:15,767 --> 00:19:18,227
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN
498
00:19:18,233 --> 00:19:20,133
OPEN UP A DIALOG DURING THE
499
00:19:20,133 --> 00:19:22,273
PRE-RECORDED SHOW AND KEEP UP ON
500
00:19:22,267 --> 00:19:25,427
THE ONE BLOG THAT DOESN'T HATE
501
00:19:25,433 --> 00:19:29,433
ME AT TOSH COMEDY CENTRAL DOT
502
00:19:29,433 --> 00:19:33,073
COME AND VISIT OUR STORE TO GET
503
00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:37,627
OUR YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING DONE
504
00:19:37,633 --> 00:19:40,873
IN JULY AND BRICKLEBERRY STARTS
505
00:19:40,867 --> 00:19:41,967
SEPTEMBER 25.
506
00:19:41,967 --> 00:19:43,827
THERE'S ONE FOR THE CHARACTER I
507
00:19:43,833 --> 00:19:45,933
HAVEN'T INTRODUCED YOU TO YET.
508
00:19:45,933 --> 00:19:48,073
DO YOU WANT TO MEET HIM?
509
00:19:48,067 --> 00:19:48,867
>> YES.
510
00:19:48,867 --> 00:19:49,767
>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT.
511
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:51,227
IT LOOKS LIKE A CLASSIC.
512
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:54,073
AND FINALLY A FEW WEEKS AGO I
513
00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:55,867
INVENTED BRAND NEW INTERNET
514
00:19:55,867 --> 00:19:57,427
CHALLENGES AND ASKED YOU TO COME
515
00:19:57,433 --> 00:19:59,573
UP WITH BETTER ONES BUT OF
516
00:19:59,567 --> 00:20:01,227
COURSE YOU DID NOT.
517
00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:01,903
FAIL.
518
00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:02,670
EPIC FAIL.
519
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:04,727
SO HERE THE BEST OF THE WORSE.
520
00:20:04,733 --> 00:20:06,903
>> THIS IS A STUPID TALKING TO
521
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:14,130
YOUR PET CHALLENGE.
522
00:20:14,133 --> 00:20:16,303
STARTING NOW I'M GOING TAKE THE
523
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:18,630
DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE
524
00:20:18,633 --> 00:20:19,203
CHALLENGE.
525
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,130
>> THE RANDOM PIGGYBACK RIDE
526
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:22,803
CHALLENGE.
527
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,300
>> THIS IS A DEEP THROAT
528
00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:29,800
POPSICLE CHALLENGE.
529
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,430
>> THIS IS THE
530
00:20:32,433 --> 00:20:34,533
[INDISCERNIBLE]
531
00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:39,803
[ COUGHING ]
532
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,930
>> WE'RE GOING TO DO GEORGE
533
00:20:41,933 --> 00:20:44,033
WASHINGTON CHALLENGE TAKING
534
00:20:44,033 --> 00:20:46,903
GEORGE WASHINGTON AND GETTING IT
535
00:20:46,900 --> 00:20:48,400
RED HOT AND BURNING YOUR ASS
536
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:53,100
WITH IT.
537
00:20:53,100 --> 00:20:56,830
>> MY INTERNET CHALLENGE TO
538
00:20:56,833 --> 00:20:58,533
WATCH "TOSH.0" WITHOUT GETTING A
539
00:20:58,533 --> 00:20:59,003
BONER.
540
00:20:59,000 --> 00:20:59,570
>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT.
541
00:20:59,567 --> 00:21:02,397
THAT CHALLENGE IS IMPOSSIBLE.
542
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,130
NICE CROAKIES BY THE WAY.
543
00:21:04,133 --> 00:21:05,903
ALL RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT.
544
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:09,170
I HOPE NO ONE [BLEEP]S IN MY
545
00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:09,667
CEREAL.
546
00:21:09,667 --> 00:21:11,067
>> I'M GOING [BLEEP] IN YOUR
547
00:21:11,067 --> 00:21:17,897
CEREAL.
548
00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:19,700
>> Tosh: DO YOU HAVE ANY BIG
549
00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:20,670
CLIMBING GOALS?
550
00:21:20,667 --> 00:21:23,927
>> NO, I'M NOT INTO GAGS.
551
00:21:23,933 --> 00:21:26,173
>> Tosh: IF YOU WERE INTO GAGS
34003
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