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[LAUGHTER]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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- THANK YOU.
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COME ON, GARY.
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A LITTLE LESS HEADBANGING AND A
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LITTLE MORE HELP WITH THE FIRE.
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THEY DIDN'T LIGHT IT.
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BUT THEY TRIED TO FIGHT IT.
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THEY DIDN'T START THE FIRE.
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SERIOUSLY, I WENT TO THEIR HOUSE
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ONCE.
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FOUR HOURS BEFORE THE BARBECUE
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STARTED.
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WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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THANK YOU.
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I'M YOUR HOST, KATT WILLIAMS.
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TODAY KRISTIN CAVALLARI JOINS
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US.
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WHY MUST I CRY GETS A WEB
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REDEMPTION.
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AND DON'T FORGET TO PLAY ALONG
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AT HOME BY TAKING A DRINK EVERY
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TIME I GET BLEEPED.
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LET'S START THE [BLEEP] SHOW.
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[APPLAUSE]
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MORE CELEBRITY DEATHS THIS WEEK.
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THE TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA DIED,
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ALONG WITH HALF OF GEORGE
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LOPEZ'S ACT.
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I FEEL A LITTLE GUILTY ABOUT HIS
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DEATH SINCE I WAS THE
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SPOKESPERSON THAT REPLACED HIM.
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- 99ยข.
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I'D SAY YOU GOT A GOOD DEAL.
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- WOULD YOU SAY I GOT A TASTY
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DEAL?
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- SURE.
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- THEN SAY IT.
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- WHAT'S THAT, TASTY DEAL?
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- THAT A BOY.
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SOMEONE HAD NICE LOCKS.
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LAUGH ALL YOU WANT.
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I CAN MAKE IT RAIN WITH BORDER
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BUCKS.
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AND I KNEW THAT CHIHUAHUA PRETTY
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WELL, AND I'M SURE HE DIED DOING
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WHAT HE LOVED.
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[LAUGHTER]
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THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A GORDITA?
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SPEAKING OF MASTURBATING, DID
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YOUR MOM FORWARD THIS WEDDING
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VIDEO TO YOU THIS WEEK?
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UGH, THIS THING HAS BEEN
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EVERYWHERE.
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THE MUSIC, WHICH WE CAN'T AFFORD
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TO PLAY, IS CHRIS BROWN'S
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FOREVER.
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WHAT BETTER ANTHEM FOR A HEALTHY
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RELATIONSHIP?
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RUMOR HAS IT THAT CHRIS BROWN
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GOT SO ENRAGED AT HOW BAD THESE
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WHITE BITCHES WERE DANCING TO
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HIS MUSIC THAT HE WAITED OUTSIDE
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AND THREW RICE ON THEM REALLY
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HARD.
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- [BABY CHATTERING]
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- TALKATIVE BABY, DID YOU SEE
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WHAT I DID WITH THE CHRIS BROWN
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JOKE?
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TALKATIVE BABY--
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THIS IS EXACTLY WHY CHINESE
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FAMILIES SELL THEIR BABY GIRLS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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AW, IT'S SO CUTE.
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THAT'LL NEVER GET OLD.
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- [BABY CHATTERING]
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- SHUT YOUR [BLEEP] FACE,
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TALKATIVE BABY.
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I GOT A SHOW TO DO.
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THE SPORT OF PARKOUR IS NOTHING
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MORE THAN EXTREME WALKING.
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TO MASTER THIS USELESS SKILL,
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YOU HAVE TO HAVE REALLY POOR
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PARENTS.
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CAN I SUGGEST WE MOVE THE
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SUGGESTION BOX?
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OHH.
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IN RUSSIA, BOX SMASH YOU.
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[WOMEN SCREAMING]
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OH, MY GOODNESS.
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I HAVEN'T SEEN A DOLPHIN LOOK
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THIS DESPERATE AND PATHETIC
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SINCE NICK SABAN WAS THE COACH.
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OH, IN YOUR FACE, SELLOUT.
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ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET 20 SECONDS
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ON THE CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY
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COMMENTS WE CAN POST.
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LATER, THE DOLPHIN TOSSED THE
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MAN'S SEAFOOD SALAD.
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IF YOU WANT TO KISS HIM, IT
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COSTS EXTRA.
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THAT'S A WIVES' TALE.
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I'VE KISSED WHORES.
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MORE LIKE "HEPATITIS SEA WORLD."
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WHY IS THIS FUNNY TO WATCH
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ONLINE, BUT WATCH A HORSE MAKE
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LOVE TO A MAN, AND I CAN'T SLEEP
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FOR WEEKS.
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THANKS, MR. HANDS.
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AH.
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AT LEAST THEY BOTH FINISHED.
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IF YOU LOVE ART AUCTIONS BUT
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HATE WEARING PANTS, I FOUND A
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GREAT PAINTER WHO SELLS HIS WORK
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ON EBAY.
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HIS NAME, DAN LACEY.
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HIS SPECIALTIES, UNICORNS,
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PANCAKES, AND PRESIDENT BARACK
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OBAMA NAKED.
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OH, IN THIS ONE WE HAVE STALIN,
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BARACK OBAMA, AND THE GUY FROM
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HOUSE.
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NO, OF COURSE, I GET IT.
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SOMEONE'S COMMENT ON SOCIALIZED
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MEDICINE IN AMERICA.
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I GUESS.
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AND THEY'RE NOT CHEAP.
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WHO WOULD BUY THIS?
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YEAH, THE GUY WHO CAN EXPENSE IT
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TO COMEDY CENTRAL, THAT'S WHO.
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THAT'S ME IN AN ORIGINAL WITH
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BARACK OBAMA AND A UNICORN ON A
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SAILBOAT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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SOME PEOPLE THINK MY FOOT'S IN
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THE WATER TO STEER AMERICA IN
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THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
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BUT I JUST THINK IT'S ABOUT
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[BLEEP] PLAY.
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PLEASE GO TO OUR WEBSITE AND
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INTERPRET THIS PAINTING FOR ME.
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I'M DYING TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE
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TO SAY.
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HEY, IF A TREE FALLS IN THE
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WOODS AND NO ONE IS THERE TO SEE
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IT, DOES IT STILL GET POSTED ON
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YOUTUBE?
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[CHAINSAW BUZZING]
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- UH-OH, WATCH OUT.
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HERE IT GOES.
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AND IT'S GOING THE WRONG WAY.
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OH, MY GOSH.
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- YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR
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NOT YELLING "TIMBER".
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SEEMED LIKE A LOT OF SNOW ON THE
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GROUND FOR ALABAMA.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I'M KIDDING.
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THIS VIDEO'S FROM CANADA, WHICH
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PROVES A LOT OF PEOPLE FROM
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ALABAMA NOW LIVE IN CANADA.
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NOW LET'S TRIM THIS DOWN BRANCH
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BY BRANCH IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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UGH.
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WHAT'S THE WORST PART ABOUT
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HAVING A LAKESIDE CABIN IN THE
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WOODS?
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THE WOODS.
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WHAT AN EYESORE.
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HERE'S WHAT YOU DON'T SEE IN
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THIS VIDEO--
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A TREE-CUTTING SERVICE TRUCK.
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YOU KNOW HIS WIFE'S BEEN NAGGING
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HIM FOR MONTHS, AND FINALLY HE
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SNAPPED.
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"YOU WANT ME TO CUT IT DOWN?
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FINE.
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"IT'S THE MIDDLE OF WINTER, BUT
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ANYTHING TO STOP YOUR YAPPING."
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WHY DOES HIS WIFE WANT THIS TREE
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GONE SO BAD ANYWAY?
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APPARENTLY, KEANU REEVES HAS
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BEEN WRITING LETTERS FROM THE
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FUTURE TELLING HER THAT TREE HAS
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GOT TO GO.
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ALL RIGHT, RIGHT HERE HE'S GOT
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TWO OPTIONS.
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HE CAN WATCH THE TREE FALL ON
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HIS HOUSE.
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OR HE CAN STEP IN FRONT OF THE
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TREE SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO HEAR
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ABOUT IT EVERY DAY FOR THE REST
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OF HIS LIFE.
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OH, LOOKY THERE, THE HOUSE IS
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GONNA HOLD IT.
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GUESS WHOSE WEEKEND TO-DO LIST
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JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT LONGER.
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AT LEAST YOU KNOW WHERE THEY'RE
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GONNA GET THE WOOD TO REBUILD
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THE HOUSE.
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HIS WIFE DID DO ONE THING RIGHT.
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SHE DIDN'T FILM IT FROM THE
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PORCH.
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AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH REH
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DOGG'S WEB REDEMPTION.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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I'M NOT GAY.
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AFTER WE FINISH WE CAN STOMP
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AROUND AND KICK THE TRAINS LIKE
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MONSTE
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MONSTERS.
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ALSO I HAVE A LOT OF IMITATION
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CRAB MEAT IN MY FREEZER.
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- TELL ME WHY WHY MUST
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I CRY TELL ME WHY
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WHY MUST I CRY
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WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST
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I CRY, WHY WHY MUST I
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CRY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY
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WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST I CRY
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TELL ME WHY -
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[SIGHS]
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THAT'S NICE.
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DO YOU THINK HE USES KIEHL'S?
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THAT'S MY GUESS.
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EVERYONE SINGS IN THE SHOWER.
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BUT FEW DECIDE TO RECORD IT AND
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PUT IT ON THE INTERNET.
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IT'S NOT EASY LOOKING HARD-CORE
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WHEN YOU'RE USING A LOOFAH.
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BUT NOTHING ABOUT THE RAP GAME
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IS EASY, ESPECIALLY NOW THAT THE
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MUSIC INDUSTRY IS IN WORSE SHAPE
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THAN KELLY CLARKSON'S ASS.
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[AUDIENCE OOHS]
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I'LL TELL YOU WHY REH DOGG IS
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CRYING.
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BECAUSE SO MANY ARTISTS ARE ABLE
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TO GET THEIR [BLEEP] AUTO-TUNED
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VOICES HEARD WHILE HE TOILS AWAY
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IN OBSCURITY.
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IF THEY PLAY BLAME IT ON THE
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A-A-ALCOHOL ONE MORE TIME WHILE
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I DRIVE TO WORK, I SWEAR I WILL
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CRASH MY CAR INTO AN ELEMENTARY
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SCHOOL.
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AND EVEN PEOPLE WHO USED TO
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SOUND GOOD SUCK NOW.
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WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU HEARD A
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U2 OR BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN SONG
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THAT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE IT WOULD
256
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WORK BETTER IN A CHEVY TRUCK
257
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COMMERCIAL?
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MAKING A GOOD MUSIC VIDEO ISN'T
259
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EASY.
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IF IT WERE, MTV WOULD STILL BE
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SHOWING THEM INSTEAD OF 16 AND
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PREGNANT, WHICH I ASSUME IS SHOT
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00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:58,073
EXCLUSIVELY IN UTAH.
264
00:08:58,067 --> 00:08:58,967
AT THE END OF THE DAY, REH DOGG
265
00:08:58,967 --> 00:09:00,597
POURED HIS HEART OUT.
266
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:01,700
HE'S NOT IN IT FOR THE MONEY.
267
00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:03,470
HE'S ALL ABOUT THE MESSAGE.
268
00:09:03,467 --> 00:09:04,097
AND WHILE THE MESSAGE WAS
269
00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:04,830
STRONG, THE DELIVERY NEEDED SOME
270
00:09:04,833 --> 00:09:06,303
WORK.
271
00:09:06,300 --> 00:09:07,070
THAT'S WHY I FLEW REH DOGG OUT
272
00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:08,827
TO L.A.
273
00:09:08,833 --> 00:09:09,933
TO GIVE HIS MUSIC VIDEO THE
274
00:09:09,933 --> 00:09:11,103
TOSH.0 TREATMENT IT TRULY
275
00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:11,800
DESERVES IN THIS WEEK'S WEB
276
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:13,470
REDEMPTION.
277
00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:23,067
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
278
00:09:23,067 --> 00:09:23,727
- TELL ME WHY - OH, THAT
279
00:09:23,733 --> 00:09:24,133
SOUNDS GOOD.
280
00:09:24,133 --> 00:09:24,533
SOLID.
281
00:09:24,533 --> 00:09:25,303
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I GOTTA ASK THE
282
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:26,600
MOST OBVIOUS QUESTION:
283
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:30,670
WHY MUST I CRY?
284
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:31,427
- WELL, THE FIRST HALF OF THE
285
00:09:31,433 --> 00:09:32,173
SONG BASICALLY IS TALKING ABOUT
286
00:09:32,167 --> 00:09:35,367
THIS KID THAT I USED TO MENTOR.
287
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:36,097
HE WAS, LIKE, EIGHT YEARS OLD,
288
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:36,770
AND HE JUST WOULDN'T LEARN.
289
00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:37,697
HE STOLE FROM ME AND--
290
00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:39,300
- THAT'LL MAKE YOU CRY.
291
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:40,970
- IT SURE DID.
292
00:09:40,967 --> 00:09:42,767
BUT THAT LAST HALF WAS ABOUT
293
00:09:42,767 --> 00:09:44,227
THIS LADY THAT I HOOKED UP WITH
294
00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:45,633
THAT BASICALLY WAS A
295
00:09:45,633 --> 00:09:47,673
MANIPULATING, CONNIVING--
296
00:09:47,667 --> 00:09:48,927
TELLIN' ME THAT THE TWINS ARE
297
00:09:48,933 --> 00:09:49,673
MINES, AND THEY TURNED OUT NOT
298
00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:50,727
TO BE MINES AND--
299
00:09:50,733 --> 00:09:51,773
- WOW.
300
00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:52,827
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TALK SHOW.
301
00:09:52,833 --> 00:09:54,433
- [LAUGHS]
302
00:09:54,433 --> 00:09:55,133
- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU
303
00:09:55,133 --> 00:09:57,433
CRIED?
304
00:09:57,433 --> 00:09:58,173
- UM, ABOUT TWO OR THREE YEARS
305
00:09:58,167 --> 00:09:58,727
AGO.
306
00:09:58,733 --> 00:09:59,433
- YOU HAVEN'T CRIED IN TWO OR
307
00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:02,803
THREE YEARS?
308
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,100
I CRY ONCE A WEEK.
309
00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:05,800
USUALLY WHEN MY RATINGS COME
310
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:06,130
OUT.
311
00:10:06,133 --> 00:10:08,903
- [LAUGHS]
312
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,130
- THAT'S NOT A JOKE.
313
00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:11,933
DID YOU RUN OUT OF HOT WATER IN
314
00:10:11,933 --> 00:10:12,933
THAT SHOWER?
315
00:10:12,933 --> 00:10:13,673
YOU WERE IN THERE FOR AN AWFUL
316
00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:16,097
LONG TIME.
317
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:16,830
- I GOT A GOOD HOT WATER SYSTEM.
318
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:19,933
- [LAUGHS]
319
00:10:19,933 --> 00:10:20,633
DO YOU HAVE A TANKLESS WATER
320
00:10:20,633 --> 00:10:21,633
HEATER?
321
00:10:21,633 --> 00:10:22,373
- YOU TOOK THE WORDS OUT OF MY
322
00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:23,027
MOUTH.
323
00:10:23,033 --> 00:10:24,603
- YOU DO?
324
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:25,430
- BUT NO, I DON'T HAVE ONE.
325
00:10:25,433 --> 00:10:26,533
- OH, YOU GOT TO GET A TANKLESS.
326
00:10:26,533 --> 00:10:27,433
THEY'RE ENERGY EFFICIENT AND YOU
327
00:10:27,433 --> 00:10:28,203
CAN TAKE THE LONGEST SHOWER YOU
328
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:29,530
WANT.
329
00:10:29,533 --> 00:10:30,203
- I'M NOT IN TO THAT GREEN
330
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:31,000
STUFF.
331
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,870
I'M CONSERVATIVE.
332
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:34,527
- IT'S JUST SO WEIRD TO SEE
333
00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:35,303
SOMEBODY WITH A GRILL IN THEIR
334
00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:36,200
MOUTH SAY, "I'M A REPUBLICAN."
335
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,430
- [LAUGHS]
336
00:10:38,433 --> 00:10:39,133
- YOU WERE DRUNK WHILE MAKING
337
00:10:39,133 --> 00:10:40,203
THAT VIDEO?
338
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,700
- I DO IT ALL THE TIME.
339
00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:42,370
- BUT YOU PUT A GUN IN YOUR
340
00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:43,167
MOUTH.
341
00:10:43,167 --> 00:10:46,267
- I TOOK THE BULLETS OUT.
342
00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:46,997
- DO YOU HAVE A GUN ON YOU RIGHT
343
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:47,670
NOW?
344
00:10:47,667 --> 00:10:50,227
- NO.
345
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:52,133
- DID ANYBODY PAT HIM DOWN?
346
00:10:52,133 --> 00:10:52,833
- [LAUGHS]
347
00:10:52,833 --> 00:10:53,573
- YOU PROBABLY GET RECOGNIZED IN
348
00:10:53,567 --> 00:10:54,297
THE SHOWER A LOT.
349
00:10:54,300 --> 00:10:55,870
- [LAUGHING]
350
00:10:55,867 --> 00:10:56,767
NO.
351
00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:57,397
- NOT AT THE GYM?
352
00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:00,770
- NO.
353
00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:01,727
- OH, IF I SAW YOU SHOWERING IN
354
00:11:01,733 --> 00:11:07,373
THE GYM, I WOULD LOSE MY MIND.
355
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:08,097
BY THE WAY, ON THE CAMERA SHOT
356
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:08,770
WITH YOU IN THE SHOWER, YOU
357
00:11:08,767 --> 00:11:09,597
PANNED AWFULLY LOW.
358
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,930
YOU DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD FRAME
359
00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:13,773
THAT UP A LITTLE BIT, DEANGELO?
360
00:11:13,767 --> 00:11:14,467
- NO, I DIDN'T ACTUALLY.
361
00:11:14,467 --> 00:11:15,167
- DO YOU THINK WEIRD AL WILL
362
00:11:15,167 --> 00:11:15,727
EVER PARODY YOUR SONG?
363
00:11:15,733 --> 00:11:16,403
- I DOUBT IT.
364
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:17,130
HOW WEIRD--
365
00:11:17,133 --> 00:11:18,633
HE CAN'T GET MORE WEIRD THAN HOW
366
00:11:18,633 --> 00:11:19,303
I DID MINE.
367
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:23,070
- [LAUGHS]
368
00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:25,367
TOUCHE.
369
00:11:25,367 --> 00:11:26,267
MY GOAL IS TO MAKE IT THE NUMBER
370
00:11:26,267 --> 00:11:27,797
ONE TRACK ON ITUNES.
371
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:28,770
- WELL, THAT WOULD BE SUPER
372
00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:29,627
AWESOME.
373
00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:31,533
- I THINK IT'S DOABLE.
374
00:11:31,533 --> 00:11:36,503
I MEAN, IT'S NOT.
375
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:36,970
- [LAUGHS]
376
00:11:36,967 --> 00:11:37,697
- THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE
377
00:11:37,700 --> 00:11:38,400
YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER
378
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:39,200
SHOT?
379
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,400
- OH, I'M DEFINITELY READY.
380
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:47,330
- GOOD.
381
00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:52,303
CUE THE BITCHES.
382
00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:55,570
- [LAUGHS]
383
00:11:55,567 --> 00:11:56,627
WHY MUST I CRY HOW
384
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:57,833
YOU--HOW YOU DOING?
385
00:11:57,833 --> 00:12:03,903
HOW YOU--HOW YOU DOING?
386
00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:04,770
MAXIMUM.
387
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:09,697
HOW YOU--HOW YOU DOING?
388
00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:17,970
TELL ME WHY WHY MUST I
389
00:12:17,967 --> 00:12:18,597
CRY T-T-T-TANK
390
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:29,170
WHY MUST I CRY
391
00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:29,867
WHY MUST I CRY WHY MUST
392
00:12:29,867 --> 00:12:31,167
I CRY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY
393
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:32,297
WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST I
394
00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:33,600
CRY, WHY WHY MUST I CRY,
395
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:34,570
WHY MUST I CRY, WHY
396
00:12:34,567 --> 00:12:37,597
SHORTY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST
397
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:38,370
I CRY, WHY SHORTY, WHY
398
00:12:38,367 --> 00:12:40,467
MUST I CRY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY
399
00:12:40,467 --> 00:12:41,197
WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST
400
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,430
I CRY TELL ME WHY
401
00:12:43,433 --> 00:12:48,473
I CRY TELL
402
00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:58,767
TELL ME WHY WHY MUST I
403
00:12:58,767 --> 00:13:03,397
CRY - GAME OVER.
404
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:07,700
[WATER GURGLING]
405
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:08,900
OH, YES.
406
00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:11,570
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A HIT.
407
00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:12,527
THANKS TO THE "AUTO-TUNE THE
408
00:13:12,533 --> 00:13:13,873
NEWS" GUYS FOR HELPING US.
409
00:13:13,867 --> 00:13:14,567
GO TO OUR WEBSITE TO SEE THE
410
00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:16,327
ENTIRE VIDEO.
411
00:13:16,333 --> 00:13:18,133
I'M GONNA MISS REH DOGG.
412
00:13:18,133 --> 00:13:18,833
WE SHARED SOME PRETTY SPECIAL
413
00:13:18,833 --> 00:13:20,333
MOMENTS.
414
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,333
[DOG YOWLS, GUNSHOT]
415
00:13:22,333 --> 00:13:23,373
OLD YELLER.
416
00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:25,697
HE WAS A GOOD DOG.
417
00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:27,530
[INDISTINCT]
418
00:13:27,533 --> 00:13:32,803
[BOTH SOBBING]
419
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:33,470
OLD YELLER!
420
00:13:33,467 --> 00:13:38,927
OLD YELLER!
421
00:13:38,933 --> 00:13:42,203
SHE'S OLD AS SH--!
422
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:42,800
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
423
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:43,500
JUST ACT LIKE YOU DIDN'T SEE
424
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:44,270
THAT.
425
00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:46,067
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KRISTIN
426
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:53,097
CAVALLARI.
427
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:53,670
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
428
00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:54,127
MALE ANNOUNCER:
429
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:54,873
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE PRANK
430
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:55,567
OF THE WEEK.
431
00:13:55,567 --> 00:13:56,297
- AND TODAY WE'RE GONNA WAKE
432
00:13:56,300 --> 00:13:57,070
BRANDON UP WITH MY SLINGSHOT AND
433
00:13:57,067 --> 00:14:04,597
A LITTLE BIT OF LIPSTICK.
434
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,800
- [SCREAMS]
435
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:09,700
[BLEEP]
436
00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:13,830
[BLEEP]
437
00:14:13,833 --> 00:14:14,333
- [LAUGHING]
438
00:14:14,333 --> 00:14:14,933
[BLEEP]
439
00:14:14,933 --> 00:14:15,603
ANNOUNCER: AND THAT WAS THE
440
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:16,330
PRANK OF THE WEEK, BROUGHT TO
441
00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:39,873
YOU BY BURGER KING.
442
00:14:39,867 --> 00:14:40,527
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
443
00:14:40,533 --> 00:14:41,233
- OH, THAT IS MARKETING
444
00:14:41,233 --> 00:14:42,373
RIGHT THERE.
445
00:14:42,367 --> 00:14:43,127
WE WANTED TO HIRE A REAL SIGN
446
00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:43,833
SPINNER, BUT HE WANTED $60 AN
447
00:14:43,833 --> 00:14:44,303
HOUR.
448
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:47,530
HA!
449
00:14:47,533 --> 00:14:48,333
WE DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF CASH.
450
00:14:48,333 --> 00:14:50,103
WE BLEW ALL OUR MONEY ON BARACK
451
00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:52,830
OBAMA'S NAKED ASS.
452
00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:53,603
ALL RIGHT, NOW LIVE VIA WEBCHAT
453
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:54,200
PLEASE WELCOME KRISTIN
454
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,600
CAVALLARI.
455
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:56,630
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
456
00:14:56,633 --> 00:14:57,373
HEY, KRISTIN.
457
00:14:57,367 --> 00:14:58,467
THANKS FOR DOING THIS.
458
00:14:58,467 --> 00:15:00,397
- THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
459
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,070
- OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.
460
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,697
WHAT'S YOUR SHORT ABOUT?
461
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:04,470
- IT'S ME MAKING FUN OF MY BITCH
462
00:15:04,467 --> 00:15:07,067
PERSONA ON THE HILLS.
463
00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:07,727
- PEOPLE CALL YOU A BITCH?
464
00:15:07,733 --> 00:15:09,233
- SUPER BITCH.
465
00:15:09,233 --> 00:15:09,933
- ALL RIGHT, THAT IS NOT TRUE.
466
00:15:09,933 --> 00:15:10,673
YOU ARE AN ANGEL.
467
00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:14,597
LET'S WATCH.
468
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,730
- HELLO.
469
00:15:16,733 --> 00:15:17,573
I'M KRISTIN CAVALLARI, AND
470
00:15:17,567 --> 00:15:18,267
WELCOME TO UNSOLICITED ADVICE
471
00:15:18,267 --> 00:15:19,567
STARRING ME.
472
00:15:19,567 --> 00:15:20,427
SINCE I KNOW HOW TO GET WHAT I
473
00:15:20,433 --> 00:15:21,873
WANT, I'M OFFERING MY
474
00:15:21,867 --> 00:15:23,267
UNSOLICITED ADVICE TO
475
00:15:23,267 --> 00:15:24,067
CELEBRITIES AND POLITICAL
476
00:15:24,067 --> 00:15:24,597
FIGURES IN THE NEWS.
477
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,800
LET'S SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.
478
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,330
[CLEARS THROAT]
479
00:15:29,333 --> 00:15:30,703
OBAMA'S HAVING PROBLEMS GETTING
480
00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:31,430
THIS HEALTH CARE THING PASSED.
481
00:15:31,433 --> 00:15:32,203
HE KEEPS ASKING THE REPUBLICANS
482
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,800
FOR HELP.
483
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,070
THAT'S A LOSER MOVE.
484
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:35,767
IF YOU ASKED NICE, YOU'VE ASKED
485
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:37,567
TWICE.
486
00:15:37,567 --> 00:15:39,397
GOD, PEOPLE WILL NOT SHUT UP
487
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:40,330
ABOUT THE WHORING AROUND OF JON
488
00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:42,103
FROM JON & KATE PLUS 8.
489
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:43,830
IF I WERE KATE, I'D CHANGE MY
490
00:15:43,833 --> 00:15:44,903
NAME TO KATHERINE AND THROW THAT
491
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:45,730
DORK'S COLLECTION OF ED HARDY
492
00:15:45,733 --> 00:15:46,633
[BLEEP] IN THE YARD AND THEN
493
00:15:46,633 --> 00:15:48,303
LIGHT IT ON FIRE.
494
00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:50,200
FUNNY PEOPLE OPENS THIS WEEK.
495
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:50,900
BEING FUNNY IS JUST HOW UGLY
496
00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:53,070
PEOPLE GET LAID, RIGHT?
497
00:15:53,067 --> 00:15:53,927
MY ADVICE TO FUNNY PEOPLE, GET
498
00:15:53,933 --> 00:15:55,203
DIFFERENT GENETICS AND [BLEEP]
499
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,630
QUIT BEING SO DESPERATE.
500
00:15:56,633 --> 00:15:57,873
HERE'S SOME ADVICE FOR GOLFERS.
501
00:15:57,867 --> 00:15:58,927
AFTER YOU SINK THE PUTT, FILL IN
502
00:15:58,933 --> 00:16:00,673
THE HOLE.
503
00:16:00,667 --> 00:16:01,367
YOU WANT THE NEXT GUY TO BE
504
00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:03,427
[BLEEP], DON'T YOU?
505
00:16:03,433 --> 00:16:04,173
SARAH PALIN, NO ADVICE FOR YOU,
506
00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:06,727
GIRL.
507
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:08,633
GUESS IT'S TIME FOR VIEWER MAIL.
508
00:16:08,633 --> 00:16:09,403
"MY MOM CAN'T COME TO MY HALF
509
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,100
BIRTHDAY PARTY "BECAUSE HER
510
00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:11,370
BOYFRIEND IS IN THE HOSPITAL.
511
00:16:11,367 --> 00:16:12,627
SHOULD I BE COOL WITH THIS?"
512
00:16:12,633 --> 00:16:13,373
HALF BIRTHDAYS ARE INCREDIBLY
513
00:16:13,367 --> 00:16:15,767
IMPORTANT.
514
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,397
YOU NEED TO SEND A CARD THAT
515
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:18,100
SAYS, "I HOPE HE DIES IN TIME
516
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:18,900
FOR YOU TO MAKE IT.
517
00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:20,400
LOVE, YOUR DAUGHTER."
518
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:21,900
"I'VE JUST GOTTEN INTO ACTING
519
00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:22,570
"AND I'M ATTENDING MY FIRST
520
00:16:22,567 --> 00:16:23,627
PREMIERE.
521
00:16:23,633 --> 00:16:26,503
ANY TIPS ON GETTING NOTICED?"
522
00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:28,600
THAT'S A TOUGHY.
523
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,100
THE VAG FLASH USED TO WORK, BUT
524
00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:31,970
IT'S SO PLAYED OUT.
525
00:16:31,967 --> 00:16:32,667
WHOEVER'S THE FIRST TO FIGURE
526
00:16:32,667 --> 00:16:33,397
OUT HOW TO FLASH YOUR BUTT HOLE,
527
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:34,130
I'D SAY YOU'RE GONNA GET A LOT
528
00:16:34,133 --> 00:16:35,473
OF ATTENTION.
529
00:16:35,467 --> 00:16:37,197
OKAY, I'M OUT.
530
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:37,930
I HAVE TO GO GIVE PEOPLE DIRTY
531
00:16:37,933 --> 00:16:40,233
LOOKS AT A RESTAURANT OPENING.
532
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:40,933
- WHAT ABOUT THE REST OR THIS
533
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:43,733
SHOW?
534
00:16:43,733 --> 00:16:44,533
- OH, THANK YOU, KRISTIN AND THE
535
00:16:44,533 --> 00:16:49,873
PEOPLE AT FUNNY OR DIE.
536
00:16:49,867 --> 00:16:52,397
AND DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR
537
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:53,730
WEBSITE COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0
538
00:16:53,733 --> 00:16:55,803
AND UPLOAD YOUR OWN VIDEO FOR A
539
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:56,530
CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF
540
00:16:56,533 --> 00:16:56,903
THE WEEK.
541
00:16:56,900 --> 00:16:58,070
THIS WEEK'S SUBMISSION COMES TO
542
00:16:58,067 --> 00:17:00,927
US FROM TWOFANS@LOOSELOUIE.COM.
543
00:17:00,933 --> 00:17:01,703
- OH, OH, GOD, JINGLE, THANK GOD
544
00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:02,230
YOU'RE HERE.
545
00:17:02,233 --> 00:17:05,273
YOU GOTTA HELP ME.
546
00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:07,797
- WITH WHAT, MY HUMAN HANDS?
547
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:08,500
- DAMN IT, JINGLE, GET ME THE
548
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:09,670
HELL OUT OF HERE.
549
00:17:09,667 --> 00:17:10,567
- OH, OH, HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
550
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:13,067
LET ME STOP BEING A DOG.
551
00:17:13,067 --> 00:17:13,797
OH, WAIT, I CAN'T, 'CAUSE I'M A
552
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:14,530
DOG.
553
00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:15,073
- JINGLE, WHY--
554
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:15,767
- I'M A DOG.
555
00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:16,467
- JINGLE--
556
00:17:16,467 --> 00:17:18,267
- I'M A DOG.
557
00:17:18,267 --> 00:17:18,767
- JESUS CHRIST--
558
00:17:18,767 --> 00:17:21,797
- I'M A DOG!
559
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,400
A DOG!
560
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:25,570
- JINGLE, I--
561
00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:27,297
- I'M A DOG!
562
00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:28,230
- JINGLE!
563
00:17:28,233 --> 00:17:39,473
- I'M A DOG!
564
00:17:39,467 --> 00:17:40,127
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
565
00:17:40,133 --> 00:17:40,903
[BARKING SOUNDS]
566
00:17:40,900 --> 00:17:41,530
- OH, HE'S A [BLEEP] DOG.
567
00:17:41,533 --> 00:17:41,973
THANKS, GUYS.
568
00:17:41,967 --> 00:17:43,067
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
569
00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:43,767
TOUGH CROWD WITH COLIN QUINN.
570
00:17:43,767 --> 00:17:46,227
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
571
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:54,927
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
572
00:17:54,933 --> 00:17:55,603
- OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
573
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:56,970
WATCHING.
574
00:17:56,967 --> 00:18:02,067
NEXT WEEK WE HAVE THE DRUNK DUNK
575
00:18:02,067 --> 00:18:02,627
GUY'S WEB REDEMPTION.
576
00:18:02,633 --> 00:18:03,233
- OH, MY GOD.
577
00:18:03,233 --> 00:18:04,073
[LAUGHTER]
578
00:18:04,067 --> 00:18:04,597
- OH, I GOTTA CALL IT--
579
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,970
TRAVELING.
580
00:18:06,967 --> 00:18:08,067
AND MAKE SURE YOU GO TO OUR
581
00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:09,427
WEBSITE TO DOWNLOAD THE RAW
582
00:18:09,433 --> 00:18:11,533
GREEN SCREEN FOOTAGE OF REH
583
00:18:11,533 --> 00:18:12,703
DOGG'S WHY MUST I CRY TO MAKE
584
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,870
YOUR OWN MUSIC VIDEO.
585
00:18:14,867 --> 00:18:17,367
AND PLEASE, NOTHING RACIST.
586
00:18:17,367 --> 00:18:18,767
ALL RIGHT, THE SHOW IS COMING TO
587
00:18:18,767 --> 00:18:19,767
AN END, AND IF YOU'VE BEEN
588
00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:20,697
PLAYING ALONG AT HOME, YOU'RE
589
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:21,370
PROBABLY STARTING TO GET A
590
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:24,397
LITTLE TIPSY.
591
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,800
IF NOT, [LONG BLEEP].
592
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:34,500
I DON'T KNOW, [LONG BLEEP].
593
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:37,470
[BLEEPING CONTINUES]
594
00:18:37,467 --> 00:18:39,067
ROBERTO.
595
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:43,867
[BLEEP]
596
00:18:43,867 --> 00:18:48,227
THAT SHOULD DO IT.
597
00:18:48,233 --> 00:18:49,233
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
598
00:18:49,233 --> 00:18:50,473
NOW YOU'RE BUZZED ENOUGH TO PAY
599
00:18:50,467 --> 00:18:51,627
TRIBUTE TO THIS WEEK'S UNSUNG
600
00:18:51,633 --> 00:18:54,333
HERO OF THE INTERNET.
601
00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:55,133
ENJOY THIS MASH-UP OF SOME OF
602
00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:59,073
ALCOHOL'S FINEST MOMENTS.
603
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,627
- I'M DRUNK.
604
00:19:00,633 --> 00:19:14,303
[ROCK MUSIC]
605
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:14,800
- [INDISTINCT]
606
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:23,230
- WHAT?
607
00:19:23,233 --> 00:19:32,773
- I WANT TO KISS YOU.
608
00:19:32,767 --> 00:19:33,467
- PUT THAT ON THE GROUND
609
00:19:33,467 --> 00:19:36,627
RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF HIM.
610
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:45,603
- [GIRL SCREAMS]
611
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:46,130
- [BLEEP] YOU.
612
00:19:46,133 --> 00:19:46,573
- I CALL DIBS.
613
00:19:46,567 --> 00:19:46,967
SHE'S MINE.
614
00:19:46,967 --> 00:19:47,367
GOOD NIGHT.
615
00:19:47,367 --> 00:19:48,497
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
616
00:19:48,500 --> 00:20:03,330
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
617
00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:08,373
TELL ME WHY WHY MUST I
618
00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:15,367
CRY T-T-T-TANK
619
00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:27,227
TELL ME WHY WHY MUST I
620
00:20:27,233 --> 00:20:29,173
CRY WHY MUST I CRY
621
00:20:29,167 --> 00:20:30,967
WHY MUST I CRY WHY
622
00:20:30,967 --> 00:20:33,327
MUST I CRY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY
623
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:35,173
WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST
624
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:37,997
I CRY, WHY WHY MUST I
625
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,300
CRY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY
626
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:42,570
SHORTY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST
627
00:20:42,567 --> 00:20:45,197
I CRY, WHY SHORTY, WHY
628
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,170
MUST I CRY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY
629
00:20:47,167 --> 00:20:47,997
WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST
630
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,330
I CRY TELL ME WHY
631
00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:50,603
NO MATTER WHAT I DID I
632
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:53,200
TRIED TO LOVE THIS KID
633
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,930
EVER SINCE HE WAS EIGHT
634
00:20:54,933 --> 00:20:55,733
ALL HE EVER DID WAS LIE AND
635
00:20:55,733 --> 00:21:00,773
STEAL FROM ME
636
00:21:00,767 --> 00:21:02,697
NOW HE'S 17 I THOUGHT
637
00:21:02,700 --> 00:21:08,530
THAT HE'D CHANGE HIS WAY
638
00:21:08,533 --> 00:21:09,173
BUT WHEN I LOOK AGAIN
639
00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:14,897
HE'S STILL HATING ON ME -
640
00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:15,400
TUPAC OR BIGGIE?
641
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:15,930
- TUPAC ALL THE WAY.
642
00:21:15,933 --> 00:21:17,303
WESTSIDE.
643
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:19,870
- TILL WE DIE.
644
00:21:19,867 --> 00:21:22,067
SO YOU'RE PRO CHOICE?
645
00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:24,767
- PRO CHOICE.
646
00:21:24,767 --> 00:21:26,127
I DON'T--
647
00:21:26,133 --> 00:21:26,973
NO, I'M NOT PRO CHOICE.
648
00:21:26,967 --> 00:21:29,297
YOU TRY TO GET ME.
649
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:30,600
THAT'S THE DEMOCRATS.
650
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:31,330
- IT'S DANGEROUS TO HAVE GUNS
651
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:32,533
AROUND.
652
00:21:32,533 --> 00:21:33,503
- HEY, I GOTTA EXERCISE MY
653
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:34,770
SECOND AMENDMENT.
654
00:21:34,767 --> 00:21:36,327
- WHICH ONE'S THAT?
655
00:21:36,333 --> 00:21:36,873
- RIGHT TO BEAR ARM.
656
00:21:36,867 --> 00:21:37,367
- OH, THAT'S GOOD.
657
00:21:37,367 --> 00:21:38,327
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
658
00:21:38,333 --> 00:21:39,073
GLAD WE STILL HAVE THAT ONE IN
659
00:21:39,067 --> 00:21:40,597
THERE.
660
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:41,370
WRITTEN BY, WHAT, 25 WHITE
40442
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