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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:26,933 --> 00:00:29,803 [LAUGHTER] 2 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:35,100 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 3 00:00:35,100 --> 00:00:36,870 - THANK YOU. 4 00:00:36,867 --> 00:00:38,997 COME ON, GARY. 5 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:39,730 A LITTLE LESS HEADBANGING AND A 6 00:00:39,733 --> 00:00:43,103 LITTLE MORE HELP WITH THE FIRE. 7 00:00:43,100 --> 00:00:44,230 THEY DIDN'T LIGHT IT. 8 00:00:44,233 --> 00:00:47,233 BUT THEY TRIED TO FIGHT IT. 9 00:00:47,233 --> 00:00:50,103 THEY DIDN'T START THE FIRE. 10 00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:50,830 SERIOUSLY, I WENT TO THEIR HOUSE 11 00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:51,373 ONCE. 12 00:00:51,367 --> 00:00:52,097 FOUR HOURS BEFORE THE BARBECUE 13 00:00:52,100 --> 00:00:54,470 STARTED. 14 00:00:54,467 --> 00:00:56,897 WELCOME TO TOSH.0. 15 00:00:56,900 --> 00:01:02,070 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 16 00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:02,627 THANK YOU. 17 00:01:02,633 --> 00:01:03,673 I'M YOUR HOST, KATT WILLIAMS. 18 00:01:03,667 --> 00:01:04,367 TODAY KRISTIN CAVALLARI JOINS 19 00:01:04,367 --> 00:01:05,597 US. 20 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:06,370 WHY MUST I CRY GETS A WEB 21 00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:09,267 REDEMPTION. 22 00:01:09,267 --> 00:01:10,067 AND DON'T FORGET TO PLAY ALONG 23 00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:10,827 AT HOME BY TAKING A DRINK EVERY 24 00:01:10,833 --> 00:01:13,073 TIME I GET BLEEPED. 25 00:01:13,067 --> 00:01:14,267 LET'S START THE [BLEEP] SHOW. 26 00:01:14,267 --> 00:01:17,897 [APPLAUSE] 27 00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:19,170 MORE CELEBRITY DEATHS THIS WEEK. 28 00:01:19,167 --> 00:01:21,597 THE TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA DIED, 29 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:22,400 ALONG WITH HALF OF GEORGE 30 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:26,630 LOPEZ'S ACT. 31 00:01:26,633 --> 00:01:27,373 I FEEL A LITTLE GUILTY ABOUT HIS 32 00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:28,367 DEATH SINCE I WAS THE 33 00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:30,797 SPOKESPERSON THAT REPLACED HIM. 34 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,930 - 99ยข. 35 00:01:32,933 --> 00:01:34,473 I'D SAY YOU GOT A GOOD DEAL. 36 00:01:34,467 --> 00:01:35,167 - WOULD YOU SAY I GOT A TASTY 37 00:01:35,167 --> 00:01:35,467 DEAL? 38 00:01:35,467 --> 00:01:35,797 - SURE. 39 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:36,330 - THEN SAY IT. 40 00:01:36,333 --> 00:01:38,333 - WHAT'S THAT, TASTY DEAL? 41 00:01:38,333 --> 00:01:41,133 - THAT A BOY. 42 00:01:41,133 --> 00:01:44,073 SOMEONE HAD NICE LOCKS. 43 00:01:44,067 --> 00:01:44,767 LAUGH ALL YOU WANT. 44 00:01:44,767 --> 00:01:45,497 I CAN MAKE IT RAIN WITH BORDER 45 00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:47,730 BUCKS. 46 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:48,833 AND I KNEW THAT CHIHUAHUA PRETTY 47 00:01:48,833 --> 00:01:50,503 WELL, AND I'M SURE HE DIED DOING 48 00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:51,600 WHAT HE LOVED. 49 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:56,700 [LAUGHTER] 50 00:01:56,700 --> 00:02:01,930 THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A GORDITA? 51 00:02:01,933 --> 00:02:05,103 SPEAKING OF MASTURBATING, DID 52 00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:05,800 YOUR MOM FORWARD THIS WEDDING 53 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:09,830 VIDEO TO YOU THIS WEEK? 54 00:02:09,833 --> 00:02:10,473 UGH, THIS THING HAS BEEN 55 00:02:10,467 --> 00:02:10,867 EVERYWHERE. 56 00:02:10,867 --> 00:02:12,767 THE MUSIC, WHICH WE CAN'T AFFORD 57 00:02:12,767 --> 00:02:13,397 TO PLAY, IS CHRIS BROWN'S 58 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,930 FOREVER. 59 00:02:14,933 --> 00:02:15,673 WHAT BETTER ANTHEM FOR A HEALTHY 60 00:02:15,667 --> 00:02:19,067 RELATIONSHIP? 61 00:02:19,067 --> 00:02:21,767 RUMOR HAS IT THAT CHRIS BROWN 62 00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:23,597 GOT SO ENRAGED AT HOW BAD THESE 63 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,070 WHITE BITCHES WERE DANCING TO 64 00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:27,267 HIS MUSIC THAT HE WAITED OUTSIDE 65 00:02:27,267 --> 00:02:28,067 AND THREW RICE ON THEM REALLY 66 00:02:28,067 --> 00:02:31,227 HARD. 67 00:02:31,233 --> 00:02:34,733 - [BABY CHATTERING] 68 00:02:34,733 --> 00:02:35,473 - TALKATIVE BABY, DID YOU SEE 69 00:02:35,467 --> 00:02:36,197 WHAT I DID WITH THE CHRIS BROWN 70 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,300 JOKE? 71 00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:41,200 TALKATIVE BABY-- 72 00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:41,900 THIS IS EXACTLY WHY CHINESE 73 00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:42,830 FAMILIES SELL THEIR BABY GIRLS. 74 00:02:42,833 --> 00:02:49,303 [LAUGHTER] 75 00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:49,800 AW, IT'S SO CUTE. 76 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,230 THAT'LL NEVER GET OLD. 77 00:02:51,233 --> 00:02:52,503 - [BABY CHATTERING] 78 00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:53,200 - SHUT YOUR [BLEEP] FACE, 79 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,500 TALKATIVE BABY. 80 00:02:55,500 --> 00:03:00,070 I GOT A SHOW TO DO. 81 00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:00,827 THE SPORT OF PARKOUR IS NOTHING 82 00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:04,303 MORE THAN EXTREME WALKING. 83 00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:06,570 TO MASTER THIS USELESS SKILL, 84 00:03:06,567 --> 00:03:07,427 YOU HAVE TO HAVE REALLY POOR 85 00:03:07,433 --> 00:03:12,803 PARENTS. 86 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:13,470 CAN I SUGGEST WE MOVE THE 87 00:03:13,467 --> 00:03:16,797 SUGGESTION BOX? 88 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:18,400 OHH. 89 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:26,200 IN RUSSIA, BOX SMASH YOU. 90 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,770 [WOMEN SCREAMING] 91 00:03:27,767 --> 00:03:31,497 OH, MY GOODNESS. 92 00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:32,230 I HAVEN'T SEEN A DOLPHIN LOOK 93 00:03:32,233 --> 00:03:32,903 THIS DESPERATE AND PATHETIC 94 00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:35,130 SINCE NICK SABAN WAS THE COACH. 95 00:03:35,133 --> 00:03:40,473 OH, IN YOUR FACE, SELLOUT. 96 00:03:40,467 --> 00:03:43,067 ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET 20 SECONDS 97 00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:44,697 ON THE CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY 98 00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:45,270 COMMENTS WE CAN POST. 99 00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:45,967 LATER, THE DOLPHIN TOSSED THE 100 00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:51,067 MAN'S SEAFOOD SALAD. 101 00:03:51,067 --> 00:03:51,667 IF YOU WANT TO KISS HIM, IT 102 00:03:51,667 --> 00:03:52,067 COSTS EXTRA. 103 00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:52,797 THAT'S A WIVES' TALE. 104 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,330 I'VE KISSED WHORES. 105 00:03:54,333 --> 00:03:55,733 MORE LIKE "HEPATITIS SEA WORLD." 106 00:03:55,733 --> 00:03:57,933 WHY IS THIS FUNNY TO WATCH 107 00:03:57,933 --> 00:03:58,673 ONLINE, BUT WATCH A HORSE MAKE 108 00:03:58,667 --> 00:03:59,397 LOVE TO A MAN, AND I CAN'T SLEEP 109 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:00,800 FOR WEEKS. 110 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:03,300 THANKS, MR. HANDS. 111 00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:04,900 AH. 112 00:04:04,900 --> 00:04:09,200 AT LEAST THEY BOTH FINISHED. 113 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,230 IF YOU LOVE ART AUCTIONS BUT 114 00:04:11,233 --> 00:04:11,973 HATE WEARING PANTS, I FOUND A 115 00:04:11,967 --> 00:04:12,697 GREAT PAINTER WHO SELLS HIS WORK 116 00:04:12,700 --> 00:04:17,770 ON EBAY. 117 00:04:17,767 --> 00:04:18,297 HIS NAME, DAN LACEY. 118 00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:18,970 HIS SPECIALTIES, UNICORNS, 119 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:19,697 PANCAKES, AND PRESIDENT BARACK 120 00:04:19,700 --> 00:04:22,430 OBAMA NAKED. 121 00:04:22,433 --> 00:04:26,333 OH, IN THIS ONE WE HAVE STALIN, 122 00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:27,073 BARACK OBAMA, AND THE GUY FROM 123 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,067 HOUSE. 124 00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:30,067 NO, OF COURSE, I GET IT. 125 00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:30,797 SOMEONE'S COMMENT ON SOCIALIZED 126 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:36,130 MEDICINE IN AMERICA. 127 00:04:36,133 --> 00:04:36,973 I GUESS. 128 00:04:36,967 --> 00:04:37,527 AND THEY'RE NOT CHEAP. 129 00:04:37,533 --> 00:04:39,603 WHO WOULD BUY THIS? 130 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:40,370 YEAH, THE GUY WHO CAN EXPENSE IT 131 00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:43,697 TO COMEDY CENTRAL, THAT'S WHO. 132 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,500 THAT'S ME IN AN ORIGINAL WITH 133 00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:46,230 BARACK OBAMA AND A UNICORN ON A 134 00:04:46,233 --> 00:04:46,703 SAILBOAT. 135 00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:53,670 [LAUGHTER] 136 00:04:53,667 --> 00:04:54,927 SOME PEOPLE THINK MY FOOT'S IN 137 00:04:54,933 --> 00:04:55,973 THE WATER TO STEER AMERICA IN 138 00:04:55,967 --> 00:04:56,497 THE RIGHT DIRECTION. 139 00:04:56,500 --> 00:04:57,170 BUT I JUST THINK IT'S ABOUT 140 00:04:57,167 --> 00:04:58,067 [BLEEP] PLAY. 141 00:04:58,067 --> 00:04:58,927 PLEASE GO TO OUR WEBSITE AND 142 00:04:58,933 --> 00:05:00,203 INTERPRET THIS PAINTING FOR ME. 143 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:00,930 I'M DYING TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE 144 00:05:00,933 --> 00:05:03,073 TO SAY. 145 00:05:03,067 --> 00:05:04,467 HEY, IF A TREE FALLS IN THE 146 00:05:04,467 --> 00:05:06,427 WOODS AND NO ONE IS THERE TO SEE 147 00:05:06,433 --> 00:05:07,173 IT, DOES IT STILL GET POSTED ON 148 00:05:07,167 --> 00:05:10,397 YOUTUBE? 149 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:14,330 [CHAINSAW BUZZING] 150 00:05:14,333 --> 00:05:14,873 - UH-OH, WATCH OUT. 151 00:05:14,867 --> 00:05:15,397 HERE IT GOES. 152 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:16,170 AND IT'S GOING THE WRONG WAY. 153 00:05:16,167 --> 00:05:21,297 OH, MY GOSH. 154 00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:22,070 - YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR 155 00:05:22,067 --> 00:05:26,897 NOT YELLING "TIMBER". 156 00:05:26,900 --> 00:05:27,630 SEEMED LIKE A LOT OF SNOW ON THE 157 00:05:27,633 --> 00:05:28,173 GROUND FOR ALABAMA. 158 00:05:28,167 --> 00:05:31,097 [LAUGHTER] 159 00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:34,970 I'M KIDDING. 160 00:05:34,967 --> 00:05:35,697 THIS VIDEO'S FROM CANADA, WHICH 161 00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:36,830 PROVES A LOT OF PEOPLE FROM 162 00:05:36,833 --> 00:05:41,373 ALABAMA NOW LIVE IN CANADA. 163 00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:42,097 NOW LET'S TRIM THIS DOWN BRANCH 164 00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:42,730 BY BRANCH IN THIS WEEK'S 165 00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:44,073 BREAKDOWN. 166 00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:46,767 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 167 00:05:46,767 --> 00:05:47,397 UGH. 168 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:48,100 WHAT'S THE WORST PART ABOUT 169 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:48,830 HAVING A LAKESIDE CABIN IN THE 170 00:05:48,833 --> 00:05:50,873 WOODS? 171 00:05:50,867 --> 00:05:53,127 THE WOODS. 172 00:05:53,133 --> 00:05:54,303 WHAT AN EYESORE. 173 00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:55,070 HERE'S WHAT YOU DON'T SEE IN 174 00:05:55,067 --> 00:05:57,227 THIS VIDEO-- 175 00:05:57,233 --> 00:05:58,673 A TREE-CUTTING SERVICE TRUCK. 176 00:05:58,667 --> 00:05:59,397 YOU KNOW HIS WIFE'S BEEN NAGGING 177 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,200 HIM FOR MONTHS, AND FINALLY HE 178 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:00,530 SNAPPED. 179 00:06:00,533 --> 00:06:01,273 "YOU WANT ME TO CUT IT DOWN? 180 00:06:01,267 --> 00:06:02,727 FINE. 181 00:06:02,733 --> 00:06:04,203 "IT'S THE MIDDLE OF WINTER, BUT 182 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,530 ANYTHING TO STOP YOUR YAPPING." 183 00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,303 WHY DOES HIS WIFE WANT THIS TREE 184 00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:11,630 GONE SO BAD ANYWAY? 185 00:06:11,633 --> 00:06:12,633 APPARENTLY, KEANU REEVES HAS 186 00:06:12,633 --> 00:06:14,533 BEEN WRITING LETTERS FROM THE 187 00:06:14,533 --> 00:06:15,303 FUTURE TELLING HER THAT TREE HAS 188 00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:18,370 GOT TO GO. 189 00:06:18,367 --> 00:06:19,097 ALL RIGHT, RIGHT HERE HE'S GOT 190 00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:22,930 TWO OPTIONS. 191 00:06:22,933 --> 00:06:23,633 HE CAN WATCH THE TREE FALL ON 192 00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:24,133 HIS HOUSE. 193 00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:24,933 OR HE CAN STEP IN FRONT OF THE 194 00:06:24,933 --> 00:06:25,733 TREE SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO HEAR 195 00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:26,473 ABOUT IT EVERY DAY FOR THE REST 196 00:06:26,467 --> 00:06:29,167 OF HIS LIFE. 197 00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:30,897 OH, LOOKY THERE, THE HOUSE IS 198 00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:31,430 GONNA HOLD IT. 199 00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:34,533 GUESS WHOSE WEEKEND TO-DO LIST 200 00:06:34,533 --> 00:06:38,303 JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT LONGER. 201 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:39,070 AT LEAST YOU KNOW WHERE THEY'RE 202 00:06:39,067 --> 00:06:39,767 GONNA GET THE WOOD TO REBUILD 203 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,327 THE HOUSE. 204 00:06:42,333 --> 00:06:43,073 HIS WIFE DID DO ONE THING RIGHT. 205 00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:43,767 SHE DIDN'T FILM IT FROM THE 206 00:06:43,767 --> 00:06:44,827 PORCH. 207 00:06:44,833 --> 00:06:47,503 AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU. 208 00:06:47,500 --> 00:06:48,200 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH REH 209 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,070 DOGG'S WEB REDEMPTION. 210 00:06:50,067 --> 00:06:55,167 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 211 00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:03,767 I'M NOT GAY. 212 00:07:03,767 --> 00:07:06,297 AFTER WE FINISH WE CAN STOMP 213 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:10,170 AROUND AND KICK THE TRAINS LIKE 214 00:07:10,167 --> 00:07:11,097 MONSTE 215 00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:11,470 MONSTERS. 216 00:07:11,467 --> 00:07:13,867 ALSO I HAVE A LOT OF IMITATION 217 00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:26,727 CRAB MEAT IN MY FREEZER. 218 00:07:26,733 --> 00:07:31,873 - TELL ME WHY WHY MUST 219 00:07:31,867 --> 00:07:39,067 I CRY TELL ME WHY 220 00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:45,527 WHY MUST I CRY 221 00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:46,633 WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST 222 00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,473 I CRY, WHY WHY MUST I 223 00:07:48,467 --> 00:07:49,897 CRY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY 224 00:07:49,900 --> 00:07:50,830 WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST I CRY 225 00:07:50,833 --> 00:07:52,733 TELL ME WHY - 226 00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:55,973 [SIGHS] 227 00:07:55,967 --> 00:07:56,367 THAT'S NICE. 228 00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:57,967 DO YOU THINK HE USES KIEHL'S? 229 00:07:57,967 --> 00:08:00,367 THAT'S MY GUESS. 230 00:08:00,367 --> 00:08:02,097 EVERYONE SINGS IN THE SHOWER. 231 00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:02,830 BUT FEW DECIDE TO RECORD IT AND 232 00:08:02,833 --> 00:08:05,073 PUT IT ON THE INTERNET. 233 00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:05,797 IT'S NOT EASY LOOKING HARD-CORE 234 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,970 WHEN YOU'RE USING A LOOFAH. 235 00:08:08,967 --> 00:08:10,427 BUT NOTHING ABOUT THE RAP GAME 236 00:08:10,433 --> 00:08:12,173 IS EASY, ESPECIALLY NOW THAT THE 237 00:08:12,167 --> 00:08:13,067 MUSIC INDUSTRY IS IN WORSE SHAPE 238 00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:14,097 THAN KELLY CLARKSON'S ASS. 239 00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:16,700 [AUDIENCE OOHS] 240 00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:17,430 I'LL TELL YOU WHY REH DOGG IS 241 00:08:17,433 --> 00:08:19,633 CRYING. 242 00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:20,603 BECAUSE SO MANY ARTISTS ARE ABLE 243 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,970 TO GET THEIR [BLEEP] AUTO-TUNED 244 00:08:21,967 --> 00:08:22,827 VOICES HEARD WHILE HE TOILS AWAY 245 00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:25,603 IN OBSCURITY. 246 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:28,430 IF THEY PLAY BLAME IT ON THE 247 00:08:28,433 --> 00:08:30,103 A-A-ALCOHOL ONE MORE TIME WHILE 248 00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:31,070 I DRIVE TO WORK, I SWEAR I WILL 249 00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:31,727 CRASH MY CAR INTO AN ELEMENTARY 250 00:08:31,733 --> 00:08:34,233 SCHOOL. 251 00:08:34,233 --> 00:08:35,433 AND EVEN PEOPLE WHO USED TO 252 00:08:35,433 --> 00:08:37,973 SOUND GOOD SUCK NOW. 253 00:08:37,967 --> 00:08:39,527 WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU HEARD A 254 00:08:39,533 --> 00:08:40,503 U2 OR BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN SONG 255 00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:41,470 THAT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE IT WOULD 256 00:08:41,467 --> 00:08:42,167 WORK BETTER IN A CHEVY TRUCK 257 00:08:42,167 --> 00:08:45,497 COMMERCIAL? 258 00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:46,230 MAKING A GOOD MUSIC VIDEO ISN'T 259 00:08:46,233 --> 00:08:48,403 EASY. 260 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:49,700 IF IT WERE, MTV WOULD STILL BE 261 00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:53,200 SHOWING THEM INSTEAD OF 16 AND 262 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:53,930 PREGNANT, WHICH I ASSUME IS SHOT 263 00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:58,073 EXCLUSIVELY IN UTAH. 264 00:08:58,067 --> 00:08:58,967 AT THE END OF THE DAY, REH DOGG 265 00:08:58,967 --> 00:09:00,597 POURED HIS HEART OUT. 266 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:01,700 HE'S NOT IN IT FOR THE MONEY. 267 00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:03,470 HE'S ALL ABOUT THE MESSAGE. 268 00:09:03,467 --> 00:09:04,097 AND WHILE THE MESSAGE WAS 269 00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:04,830 STRONG, THE DELIVERY NEEDED SOME 270 00:09:04,833 --> 00:09:06,303 WORK. 271 00:09:06,300 --> 00:09:07,070 THAT'S WHY I FLEW REH DOGG OUT 272 00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:08,827 TO L.A. 273 00:09:08,833 --> 00:09:09,933 TO GIVE HIS MUSIC VIDEO THE 274 00:09:09,933 --> 00:09:11,103 TOSH.0 TREATMENT IT TRULY 275 00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:11,800 DESERVES IN THIS WEEK'S WEB 276 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:13,470 REDEMPTION. 277 00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:23,067 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 278 00:09:23,067 --> 00:09:23,727 - TELL ME WHY - OH, THAT 279 00:09:23,733 --> 00:09:24,133 SOUNDS GOOD. 280 00:09:24,133 --> 00:09:24,533 SOLID. 281 00:09:24,533 --> 00:09:25,303 ALL RIGHT, WELL, I GOTTA ASK THE 282 00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:26,600 MOST OBVIOUS QUESTION: 283 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:30,670 WHY MUST I CRY? 284 00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:31,427 - WELL, THE FIRST HALF OF THE 285 00:09:31,433 --> 00:09:32,173 SONG BASICALLY IS TALKING ABOUT 286 00:09:32,167 --> 00:09:35,367 THIS KID THAT I USED TO MENTOR. 287 00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:36,097 HE WAS, LIKE, EIGHT YEARS OLD, 288 00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:36,770 AND HE JUST WOULDN'T LEARN. 289 00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:37,697 HE STOLE FROM ME AND-- 290 00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:39,300 - THAT'LL MAKE YOU CRY. 291 00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:40,970 - IT SURE DID. 292 00:09:40,967 --> 00:09:42,767 BUT THAT LAST HALF WAS ABOUT 293 00:09:42,767 --> 00:09:44,227 THIS LADY THAT I HOOKED UP WITH 294 00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:45,633 THAT BASICALLY WAS A 295 00:09:45,633 --> 00:09:47,673 MANIPULATING, CONNIVING-- 296 00:09:47,667 --> 00:09:48,927 TELLIN' ME THAT THE TWINS ARE 297 00:09:48,933 --> 00:09:49,673 MINES, AND THEY TURNED OUT NOT 298 00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:50,727 TO BE MINES AND-- 299 00:09:50,733 --> 00:09:51,773 - WOW. 300 00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:52,827 THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TALK SHOW. 301 00:09:52,833 --> 00:09:54,433 - [LAUGHS] 302 00:09:54,433 --> 00:09:55,133 - WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU 303 00:09:55,133 --> 00:09:57,433 CRIED? 304 00:09:57,433 --> 00:09:58,173 - UM, ABOUT TWO OR THREE YEARS 305 00:09:58,167 --> 00:09:58,727 AGO. 306 00:09:58,733 --> 00:09:59,433 - YOU HAVEN'T CRIED IN TWO OR 307 00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:02,803 THREE YEARS? 308 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,100 I CRY ONCE A WEEK. 309 00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:05,800 USUALLY WHEN MY RATINGS COME 310 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:06,130 OUT. 311 00:10:06,133 --> 00:10:08,903 - [LAUGHS] 312 00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,130 - THAT'S NOT A JOKE. 313 00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:11,933 DID YOU RUN OUT OF HOT WATER IN 314 00:10:11,933 --> 00:10:12,933 THAT SHOWER? 315 00:10:12,933 --> 00:10:13,673 YOU WERE IN THERE FOR AN AWFUL 316 00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:16,097 LONG TIME. 317 00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:16,830 - I GOT A GOOD HOT WATER SYSTEM. 318 00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:19,933 - [LAUGHS] 319 00:10:19,933 --> 00:10:20,633 DO YOU HAVE A TANKLESS WATER 320 00:10:20,633 --> 00:10:21,633 HEATER? 321 00:10:21,633 --> 00:10:22,373 - YOU TOOK THE WORDS OUT OF MY 322 00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:23,027 MOUTH. 323 00:10:23,033 --> 00:10:24,603 - YOU DO? 324 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:25,430 - BUT NO, I DON'T HAVE ONE. 325 00:10:25,433 --> 00:10:26,533 - OH, YOU GOT TO GET A TANKLESS. 326 00:10:26,533 --> 00:10:27,433 THEY'RE ENERGY EFFICIENT AND YOU 327 00:10:27,433 --> 00:10:28,203 CAN TAKE THE LONGEST SHOWER YOU 328 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:29,530 WANT. 329 00:10:29,533 --> 00:10:30,203 - I'M NOT IN TO THAT GREEN 330 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:31,000 STUFF. 331 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,870 I'M CONSERVATIVE. 332 00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:34,527 - IT'S JUST SO WEIRD TO SEE 333 00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:35,303 SOMEBODY WITH A GRILL IN THEIR 334 00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:36,200 MOUTH SAY, "I'M A REPUBLICAN." 335 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,430 - [LAUGHS] 336 00:10:38,433 --> 00:10:39,133 - YOU WERE DRUNK WHILE MAKING 337 00:10:39,133 --> 00:10:40,203 THAT VIDEO? 338 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,700 - I DO IT ALL THE TIME. 339 00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:42,370 - BUT YOU PUT A GUN IN YOUR 340 00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:43,167 MOUTH. 341 00:10:43,167 --> 00:10:46,267 - I TOOK THE BULLETS OUT. 342 00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:46,997 - DO YOU HAVE A GUN ON YOU RIGHT 343 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:47,670 NOW? 344 00:10:47,667 --> 00:10:50,227 - NO. 345 00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:52,133 - DID ANYBODY PAT HIM DOWN? 346 00:10:52,133 --> 00:10:52,833 - [LAUGHS] 347 00:10:52,833 --> 00:10:53,573 - YOU PROBABLY GET RECOGNIZED IN 348 00:10:53,567 --> 00:10:54,297 THE SHOWER A LOT. 349 00:10:54,300 --> 00:10:55,870 - [LAUGHING] 350 00:10:55,867 --> 00:10:56,767 NO. 351 00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:57,397 - NOT AT THE GYM? 352 00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:00,770 - NO. 353 00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:01,727 - OH, IF I SAW YOU SHOWERING IN 354 00:11:01,733 --> 00:11:07,373 THE GYM, I WOULD LOSE MY MIND. 355 00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:08,097 BY THE WAY, ON THE CAMERA SHOT 356 00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:08,770 WITH YOU IN THE SHOWER, YOU 357 00:11:08,767 --> 00:11:09,597 PANNED AWFULLY LOW. 358 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,930 YOU DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD FRAME 359 00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:13,773 THAT UP A LITTLE BIT, DEANGELO? 360 00:11:13,767 --> 00:11:14,467 - NO, I DIDN'T ACTUALLY. 361 00:11:14,467 --> 00:11:15,167 - DO YOU THINK WEIRD AL WILL 362 00:11:15,167 --> 00:11:15,727 EVER PARODY YOUR SONG? 363 00:11:15,733 --> 00:11:16,403 - I DOUBT IT. 364 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:17,130 HOW WEIRD-- 365 00:11:17,133 --> 00:11:18,633 HE CAN'T GET MORE WEIRD THAN HOW 366 00:11:18,633 --> 00:11:19,303 I DID MINE. 367 00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:23,070 - [LAUGHS] 368 00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:25,367 TOUCHE. 369 00:11:25,367 --> 00:11:26,267 MY GOAL IS TO MAKE IT THE NUMBER 370 00:11:26,267 --> 00:11:27,797 ONE TRACK ON ITUNES. 371 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:28,770 - WELL, THAT WOULD BE SUPER 372 00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:29,627 AWESOME. 373 00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:31,533 - I THINK IT'S DOABLE. 374 00:11:31,533 --> 00:11:36,503 I MEAN, IT'S NOT. 375 00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:36,970 - [LAUGHS] 376 00:11:36,967 --> 00:11:37,697 - THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE 377 00:11:37,700 --> 00:11:38,400 YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER 378 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:39,200 SHOT? 379 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,400 - OH, I'M DEFINITELY READY. 380 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:47,330 - GOOD. 381 00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:52,303 CUE THE BITCHES. 382 00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:55,570 - [LAUGHS] 383 00:11:55,567 --> 00:11:56,627 WHY MUST I CRY HOW 384 00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:57,833 YOU--HOW YOU DOING? 385 00:11:57,833 --> 00:12:03,903 HOW YOU--HOW YOU DOING? 386 00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:04,770 MAXIMUM. 387 00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:09,697 HOW YOU--HOW YOU DOING? 388 00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:17,970 TELL ME WHY WHY MUST I 389 00:12:17,967 --> 00:12:18,597 CRY T-T-T-TANK 390 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:29,170 WHY MUST I CRY 391 00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:29,867 WHY MUST I CRY WHY MUST 392 00:12:29,867 --> 00:12:31,167 I CRY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY 393 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:32,297 WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST I 394 00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:33,600 CRY, WHY WHY MUST I CRY, 395 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:34,570 WHY MUST I CRY, WHY 396 00:12:34,567 --> 00:12:37,597 SHORTY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST 397 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:38,370 I CRY, WHY SHORTY, WHY 398 00:12:38,367 --> 00:12:40,467 MUST I CRY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY 399 00:12:40,467 --> 00:12:41,197 WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST 400 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,430 I CRY TELL ME WHY 401 00:12:43,433 --> 00:12:48,473 I CRY TELL 402 00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:58,767 TELL ME WHY WHY MUST I 403 00:12:58,767 --> 00:13:03,397 CRY - GAME OVER. 404 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:07,700 [WATER GURGLING] 405 00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:08,900 OH, YES. 406 00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:11,570 THAT SOUNDS LIKE A HIT. 407 00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:12,527 THANKS TO THE "AUTO-TUNE THE 408 00:13:12,533 --> 00:13:13,873 NEWS" GUYS FOR HELPING US. 409 00:13:13,867 --> 00:13:14,567 GO TO OUR WEBSITE TO SEE THE 410 00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:16,327 ENTIRE VIDEO. 411 00:13:16,333 --> 00:13:18,133 I'M GONNA MISS REH DOGG. 412 00:13:18,133 --> 00:13:18,833 WE SHARED SOME PRETTY SPECIAL 413 00:13:18,833 --> 00:13:20,333 MOMENTS. 414 00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,333 [DOG YOWLS, GUNSHOT] 415 00:13:22,333 --> 00:13:23,373 OLD YELLER. 416 00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:25,697 HE WAS A GOOD DOG. 417 00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:27,530 [INDISTINCT] 418 00:13:27,533 --> 00:13:32,803 [BOTH SOBBING] 419 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:33,470 OLD YELLER! 420 00:13:33,467 --> 00:13:38,927 OLD YELLER! 421 00:13:38,933 --> 00:13:42,203 SHE'S OLD AS SH--! 422 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:42,800 [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] 423 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:43,500 JUST ACT LIKE YOU DIDN'T SEE 424 00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:44,270 THAT. 425 00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:46,067 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KRISTIN 426 00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:53,097 CAVALLARI. 427 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:53,670 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 428 00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:54,127 MALE ANNOUNCER: 429 00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:54,873 AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE PRANK 430 00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:55,567 OF THE WEEK. 431 00:13:55,567 --> 00:13:56,297 - AND TODAY WE'RE GONNA WAKE 432 00:13:56,300 --> 00:13:57,070 BRANDON UP WITH MY SLINGSHOT AND 433 00:13:57,067 --> 00:14:04,597 A LITTLE BIT OF LIPSTICK. 434 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,800 - [SCREAMS] 435 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:09,700 [BLEEP] 436 00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:13,830 [BLEEP] 437 00:14:13,833 --> 00:14:14,333 - [LAUGHING] 438 00:14:14,333 --> 00:14:14,933 [BLEEP] 439 00:14:14,933 --> 00:14:15,603 ANNOUNCER: AND THAT WAS THE 440 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:16,330 PRANK OF THE WEEK, BROUGHT TO 441 00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:39,873 YOU BY BURGER KING. 442 00:14:39,867 --> 00:14:40,527 [UPBEAT MUSIC] 443 00:14:40,533 --> 00:14:41,233 - OH, THAT IS MARKETING 444 00:14:41,233 --> 00:14:42,373 RIGHT THERE. 445 00:14:42,367 --> 00:14:43,127 WE WANTED TO HIRE A REAL SIGN 446 00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:43,833 SPINNER, BUT HE WANTED $60 AN 447 00:14:43,833 --> 00:14:44,303 HOUR. 448 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:47,530 HA! 449 00:14:47,533 --> 00:14:48,333 WE DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF CASH. 450 00:14:48,333 --> 00:14:50,103 WE BLEW ALL OUR MONEY ON BARACK 451 00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:52,830 OBAMA'S NAKED ASS. 452 00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:53,603 ALL RIGHT, NOW LIVE VIA WEBCHAT 453 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:54,200 PLEASE WELCOME KRISTIN 454 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,600 CAVALLARI. 455 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:56,630 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 456 00:14:56,633 --> 00:14:57,373 HEY, KRISTIN. 457 00:14:57,367 --> 00:14:58,467 THANKS FOR DOING THIS. 458 00:14:58,467 --> 00:15:00,397 - THANKS FOR HAVING ME. 459 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,070 - OH, YOU'RE WELCOME. 460 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,697 WHAT'S YOUR SHORT ABOUT? 461 00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:04,470 - IT'S ME MAKING FUN OF MY BITCH 462 00:15:04,467 --> 00:15:07,067 PERSONA ON THE HILLS. 463 00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:07,727 - PEOPLE CALL YOU A BITCH? 464 00:15:07,733 --> 00:15:09,233 - SUPER BITCH. 465 00:15:09,233 --> 00:15:09,933 - ALL RIGHT, THAT IS NOT TRUE. 466 00:15:09,933 --> 00:15:10,673 YOU ARE AN ANGEL. 467 00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:14,597 LET'S WATCH. 468 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,730 - HELLO. 469 00:15:16,733 --> 00:15:17,573 I'M KRISTIN CAVALLARI, AND 470 00:15:17,567 --> 00:15:18,267 WELCOME TO UNSOLICITED ADVICE 471 00:15:18,267 --> 00:15:19,567 STARRING ME. 472 00:15:19,567 --> 00:15:20,427 SINCE I KNOW HOW TO GET WHAT I 473 00:15:20,433 --> 00:15:21,873 WANT, I'M OFFERING MY 474 00:15:21,867 --> 00:15:23,267 UNSOLICITED ADVICE TO 475 00:15:23,267 --> 00:15:24,067 CELEBRITIES AND POLITICAL 476 00:15:24,067 --> 00:15:24,597 FIGURES IN THE NEWS. 477 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,800 LET'S SEE WHAT'S GOING ON. 478 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,330 [CLEARS THROAT] 479 00:15:29,333 --> 00:15:30,703 OBAMA'S HAVING PROBLEMS GETTING 480 00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:31,430 THIS HEALTH CARE THING PASSED. 481 00:15:31,433 --> 00:15:32,203 HE KEEPS ASKING THE REPUBLICANS 482 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,800 FOR HELP. 483 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,070 THAT'S A LOSER MOVE. 484 00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:35,767 IF YOU ASKED NICE, YOU'VE ASKED 485 00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:37,567 TWICE. 486 00:15:37,567 --> 00:15:39,397 GOD, PEOPLE WILL NOT SHUT UP 487 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:40,330 ABOUT THE WHORING AROUND OF JON 488 00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:42,103 FROM JON & KATE PLUS 8. 489 00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:43,830 IF I WERE KATE, I'D CHANGE MY 490 00:15:43,833 --> 00:15:44,903 NAME TO KATHERINE AND THROW THAT 491 00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:45,730 DORK'S COLLECTION OF ED HARDY 492 00:15:45,733 --> 00:15:46,633 [BLEEP] IN THE YARD AND THEN 493 00:15:46,633 --> 00:15:48,303 LIGHT IT ON FIRE. 494 00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:50,200 FUNNY PEOPLE OPENS THIS WEEK. 495 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:50,900 BEING FUNNY IS JUST HOW UGLY 496 00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:53,070 PEOPLE GET LAID, RIGHT? 497 00:15:53,067 --> 00:15:53,927 MY ADVICE TO FUNNY PEOPLE, GET 498 00:15:53,933 --> 00:15:55,203 DIFFERENT GENETICS AND [BLEEP] 499 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,630 QUIT BEING SO DESPERATE. 500 00:15:56,633 --> 00:15:57,873 HERE'S SOME ADVICE FOR GOLFERS. 501 00:15:57,867 --> 00:15:58,927 AFTER YOU SINK THE PUTT, FILL IN 502 00:15:58,933 --> 00:16:00,673 THE HOLE. 503 00:16:00,667 --> 00:16:01,367 YOU WANT THE NEXT GUY TO BE 504 00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:03,427 [BLEEP], DON'T YOU? 505 00:16:03,433 --> 00:16:04,173 SARAH PALIN, NO ADVICE FOR YOU, 506 00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:06,727 GIRL. 507 00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:08,633 GUESS IT'S TIME FOR VIEWER MAIL. 508 00:16:08,633 --> 00:16:09,403 "MY MOM CAN'T COME TO MY HALF 509 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,100 BIRTHDAY PARTY "BECAUSE HER 510 00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:11,370 BOYFRIEND IS IN THE HOSPITAL. 511 00:16:11,367 --> 00:16:12,627 SHOULD I BE COOL WITH THIS?" 512 00:16:12,633 --> 00:16:13,373 HALF BIRTHDAYS ARE INCREDIBLY 513 00:16:13,367 --> 00:16:15,767 IMPORTANT. 514 00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,397 YOU NEED TO SEND A CARD THAT 515 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:18,100 SAYS, "I HOPE HE DIES IN TIME 516 00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:18,900 FOR YOU TO MAKE IT. 517 00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:20,400 LOVE, YOUR DAUGHTER." 518 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:21,900 "I'VE JUST GOTTEN INTO ACTING 519 00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:22,570 "AND I'M ATTENDING MY FIRST 520 00:16:22,567 --> 00:16:23,627 PREMIERE. 521 00:16:23,633 --> 00:16:26,503 ANY TIPS ON GETTING NOTICED?" 522 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:28,600 THAT'S A TOUGHY. 523 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,100 THE VAG FLASH USED TO WORK, BUT 524 00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:31,970 IT'S SO PLAYED OUT. 525 00:16:31,967 --> 00:16:32,667 WHOEVER'S THE FIRST TO FIGURE 526 00:16:32,667 --> 00:16:33,397 OUT HOW TO FLASH YOUR BUTT HOLE, 527 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:34,130 I'D SAY YOU'RE GONNA GET A LOT 528 00:16:34,133 --> 00:16:35,473 OF ATTENTION. 529 00:16:35,467 --> 00:16:37,197 OKAY, I'M OUT. 530 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:37,930 I HAVE TO GO GIVE PEOPLE DIRTY 531 00:16:37,933 --> 00:16:40,233 LOOKS AT A RESTAURANT OPENING. 532 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:40,933 - WHAT ABOUT THE REST OR THIS 533 00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:43,733 SHOW? 534 00:16:43,733 --> 00:16:44,533 - OH, THANK YOU, KRISTIN AND THE 535 00:16:44,533 --> 00:16:49,873 PEOPLE AT FUNNY OR DIE. 536 00:16:49,867 --> 00:16:52,397 AND DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR 537 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:53,730 WEBSITE COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0 538 00:16:53,733 --> 00:16:55,803 AND UPLOAD YOUR OWN VIDEO FOR A 539 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:56,530 CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF 540 00:16:56,533 --> 00:16:56,903 THE WEEK. 541 00:16:56,900 --> 00:16:58,070 THIS WEEK'S SUBMISSION COMES TO 542 00:16:58,067 --> 00:17:00,927 US FROM TWOFANS@LOOSELOUIE.COM. 543 00:17:00,933 --> 00:17:01,703 - OH, OH, GOD, JINGLE, THANK GOD 544 00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:02,230 YOU'RE HERE. 545 00:17:02,233 --> 00:17:05,273 YOU GOTTA HELP ME. 546 00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:07,797 - WITH WHAT, MY HUMAN HANDS? 547 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:08,500 - DAMN IT, JINGLE, GET ME THE 548 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:09,670 HELL OUT OF HERE. 549 00:17:09,667 --> 00:17:10,567 - OH, OH, HOLD ON ONE SECOND. 550 00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:13,067 LET ME STOP BEING A DOG. 551 00:17:13,067 --> 00:17:13,797 OH, WAIT, I CAN'T, 'CAUSE I'M A 552 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:14,530 DOG. 553 00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:15,073 - JINGLE, WHY-- 554 00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:15,767 - I'M A DOG. 555 00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:16,467 - JINGLE-- 556 00:17:16,467 --> 00:17:18,267 - I'M A DOG. 557 00:17:18,267 --> 00:17:18,767 - JESUS CHRIST-- 558 00:17:18,767 --> 00:17:21,797 - I'M A DOG! 559 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,400 A DOG! 560 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:25,570 - JINGLE, I-- 561 00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:27,297 - I'M A DOG! 562 00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:28,230 - JINGLE! 563 00:17:28,233 --> 00:17:39,473 - I'M A DOG! 564 00:17:39,467 --> 00:17:40,127 [SCREAMING CONTINUES] 565 00:17:40,133 --> 00:17:40,903 [BARKING SOUNDS] 566 00:17:40,900 --> 00:17:41,530 - OH, HE'S A [BLEEP] DOG. 567 00:17:41,533 --> 00:17:41,973 THANKS, GUYS. 568 00:17:41,967 --> 00:17:43,067 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE 569 00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:43,767 TOUGH CROWD WITH COLIN QUINN. 570 00:17:43,767 --> 00:17:46,227 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 571 00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:54,927 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 572 00:17:54,933 --> 00:17:55,603 - OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 573 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:56,970 WATCHING. 574 00:17:56,967 --> 00:18:02,067 NEXT WEEK WE HAVE THE DRUNK DUNK 575 00:18:02,067 --> 00:18:02,627 GUY'S WEB REDEMPTION. 576 00:18:02,633 --> 00:18:03,233 - OH, MY GOD. 577 00:18:03,233 --> 00:18:04,073 [LAUGHTER] 578 00:18:04,067 --> 00:18:04,597 - OH, I GOTTA CALL IT-- 579 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,970 TRAVELING. 580 00:18:06,967 --> 00:18:08,067 AND MAKE SURE YOU GO TO OUR 581 00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:09,427 WEBSITE TO DOWNLOAD THE RAW 582 00:18:09,433 --> 00:18:11,533 GREEN SCREEN FOOTAGE OF REH 583 00:18:11,533 --> 00:18:12,703 DOGG'S WHY MUST I CRY TO MAKE 584 00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,870 YOUR OWN MUSIC VIDEO. 585 00:18:14,867 --> 00:18:17,367 AND PLEASE, NOTHING RACIST. 586 00:18:17,367 --> 00:18:18,767 ALL RIGHT, THE SHOW IS COMING TO 587 00:18:18,767 --> 00:18:19,767 AN END, AND IF YOU'VE BEEN 588 00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:20,697 PLAYING ALONG AT HOME, YOU'RE 589 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:21,370 PROBABLY STARTING TO GET A 590 00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:24,397 LITTLE TIPSY. 591 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,800 IF NOT, [LONG BLEEP]. 592 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:34,500 I DON'T KNOW, [LONG BLEEP]. 593 00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:37,470 [BLEEPING CONTINUES] 594 00:18:37,467 --> 00:18:39,067 ROBERTO. 595 00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:43,867 [BLEEP] 596 00:18:43,867 --> 00:18:48,227 THAT SHOULD DO IT. 597 00:18:48,233 --> 00:18:49,233 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 598 00:18:49,233 --> 00:18:50,473 NOW YOU'RE BUZZED ENOUGH TO PAY 599 00:18:50,467 --> 00:18:51,627 TRIBUTE TO THIS WEEK'S UNSUNG 600 00:18:51,633 --> 00:18:54,333 HERO OF THE INTERNET. 601 00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:55,133 ENJOY THIS MASH-UP OF SOME OF 602 00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:59,073 ALCOHOL'S FINEST MOMENTS. 603 00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,627 - I'M DRUNK. 604 00:19:00,633 --> 00:19:14,303 [ROCK MUSIC] 605 00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:14,800 - [INDISTINCT] 606 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:23,230 - WHAT? 607 00:19:23,233 --> 00:19:32,773 - I WANT TO KISS YOU. 608 00:19:32,767 --> 00:19:33,467 - PUT THAT ON THE GROUND 609 00:19:33,467 --> 00:19:36,627 RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF HIM. 610 00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:45,603 - [GIRL SCREAMS] 611 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:46,130 - [BLEEP] YOU. 612 00:19:46,133 --> 00:19:46,573 - I CALL DIBS. 613 00:19:46,567 --> 00:19:46,967 SHE'S MINE. 614 00:19:46,967 --> 00:19:47,367 GOOD NIGHT. 615 00:19:47,367 --> 00:19:48,497 SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. 616 00:19:48,500 --> 00:20:03,330 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 617 00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:08,373 TELL ME WHY WHY MUST I 618 00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:15,367 CRY T-T-T-TANK 619 00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:27,227 TELL ME WHY WHY MUST I 620 00:20:27,233 --> 00:20:29,173 CRY WHY MUST I CRY 621 00:20:29,167 --> 00:20:30,967 WHY MUST I CRY WHY 622 00:20:30,967 --> 00:20:33,327 MUST I CRY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY 623 00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:35,173 WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST 624 00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:37,997 I CRY, WHY WHY MUST I 625 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,300 CRY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY 626 00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:42,570 SHORTY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST 627 00:20:42,567 --> 00:20:45,197 I CRY, WHY SHORTY, WHY 628 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,170 MUST I CRY, WHY MUST I CRY, WHY 629 00:20:47,167 --> 00:20:47,997 WHY MUST I CRY, WHY MUST 630 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,330 I CRY TELL ME WHY 631 00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:50,603 NO MATTER WHAT I DID I 632 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:53,200 TRIED TO LOVE THIS KID 633 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,930 EVER SINCE HE WAS EIGHT 634 00:20:54,933 --> 00:20:55,733 ALL HE EVER DID WAS LIE AND 635 00:20:55,733 --> 00:21:00,773 STEAL FROM ME 636 00:21:00,767 --> 00:21:02,697 NOW HE'S 17 I THOUGHT 637 00:21:02,700 --> 00:21:08,530 THAT HE'D CHANGE HIS WAY 638 00:21:08,533 --> 00:21:09,173 BUT WHEN I LOOK AGAIN 639 00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:14,897 HE'S STILL HATING ON ME - 640 00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:15,400 TUPAC OR BIGGIE? 641 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:15,930 - TUPAC ALL THE WAY. 642 00:21:15,933 --> 00:21:17,303 WESTSIDE. 643 00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:19,870 - TILL WE DIE. 644 00:21:19,867 --> 00:21:22,067 SO YOU'RE PRO CHOICE? 645 00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:24,767 - PRO CHOICE. 646 00:21:24,767 --> 00:21:26,127 I DON'T-- 647 00:21:26,133 --> 00:21:26,973 NO, I'M NOT PRO CHOICE. 648 00:21:26,967 --> 00:21:29,297 YOU TRY TO GET ME. 649 00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:30,600 THAT'S THE DEMOCRATS. 650 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:31,330 - IT'S DANGEROUS TO HAVE GUNS 651 00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:32,533 AROUND. 652 00:21:32,533 --> 00:21:33,503 - HEY, I GOTTA EXERCISE MY 653 00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:34,770 SECOND AMENDMENT. 654 00:21:34,767 --> 00:21:36,327 - WHICH ONE'S THAT? 655 00:21:36,333 --> 00:21:36,873 - RIGHT TO BEAR ARM. 656 00:21:36,867 --> 00:21:37,367 - OH, THAT'S GOOD. 657 00:21:37,367 --> 00:21:38,327 THAT'S A GOOD ONE. 658 00:21:38,333 --> 00:21:39,073 GLAD WE STILL HAVE THAT ONE IN 659 00:21:39,067 --> 00:21:40,597 THERE. 660 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:41,370 WRITTEN BY, WHAT, 25 WHITE 40442

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