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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,103 --> 00:00:03,573 "THE JACK AND TRIUMPH SHOW" 2 00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:07,107 IS FILMED IN FRONT OF THE CAST OF "THE BIG LEBOWSKI." 3 00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:08,275 [ LAUGHTER ] 4 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,012 AND HIS GARBAGE BAG. 5 00:00:11,079 --> 00:00:12,479 [ LAUGHTER ] 6 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:15,276 * YA-DA, DA-DA-DA, HERE COMES TRIUMPH * 7 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:18,789 * HE'S GOING TO BE IN THE HOTTEST BOOK, HEY! * 8 00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:21,022 * DA-DA-DEE-DO-DEE-DA-DA 9 00:00:21,089 --> 00:00:22,589 * DA-DA-DEE-DO-DEE-DO 10 00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,386 SO, JUNE, 11 00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:29,258 YOU MEAN THEY REALLY MAKE COFFEE FROM BEANS THAT CATS POOP OUT? 12 00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:32,130 THOSE CATS ARE CALLED "CIVETS," DEAR. 13 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:36,270 AND, YES, THEY'RE LOCKED IN TINY, FILTHY LIVING QUARTERS, 14 00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:39,137 LIKE A COMMON CRIMINAL OR A HOUSEKEEPER. 15 00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:41,037 UGH. 16 00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:43,179 THAT'S WHY WE NEED TO PROTEST. 17 00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:46,254 YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT? WE SURE DO. 18 00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,454 THAT'S WHY I ALSO MADE A SIGN. 19 00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:51,046 [ CHUCKLES ] SEE? 20 00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:55,119 JACKIE, DEAR, THE LAST TIME I BROUGHT YOU TO A PROTEST, 21 00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:57,389 YOU STARTED A TICKLE FIGHT. [ LAUGHS ] 22 00:00:57,458 --> 00:01:00,488 WELL, THEN, I KNOW ANOTHER WAY I CAN HELP. 23 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:01,601 AHH. 24 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,462 COFFEE BREAK. 25 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,840 NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER? 26 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,401 YOU USUALLY ONLY MAKE THAT FACE 27 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:11,570 WHEN SOMEONE'S TRYING TO EXPLAIN KWANZAA. 28 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,384 OH, LOOK AT THIS! 29 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,453 OH, FINE, GOOD. 30 00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:28,818 SO, WHAT'S ROSA SHARTS PROTESTING TODAY? 31 00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:31,189 SLIGHTLY COLD ROOMS? 32 00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:34,799 FONT SIZES BELOW 72? 33 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,832 CAN IT, SHIT SACK. 34 00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:39,567 I'M VERY -- I'M VERY BUSY. 35 00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:41,443 [ CHUCKLES ] SHE REALLY IS. 36 00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:44,472 SHE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO TRY MY HOMEMADE COFFEE. 37 00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,538 WELL, SURELY, YOU'LL GIVE IT A TRY, HUH, PAL? 38 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,807 OH, OF COURSE I WILL. 39 00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:53,306 A TRUE FRIEND SUPPORTS YOU IN EVERY ENDEAVOR. 40 00:01:53,381 --> 00:01:55,151 [ SPITTING ] 41 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,259 [ PANTING ] 42 00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:14,271 SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK? 43 00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:17,905 NOW I KNOW WHAT A PICTURE OF JUNE NAKED TASTES LIKE. 44 00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:21,311 COME ON, NOW, JUNE HAS NEVER POSED NAKED. 45 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:26,175 HER LINGERIE SPREAD IN AARP MAGAZINE WAS VERY TASTEFUL. 46 00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:29,217 COME ON. I CAN'T MAKE SIGNS. I CAN'T MAKE COFFEE. 47 00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:32,393 SURELY, THERE'S SOMETHING I'M GOOD AT, RIGHT, JUNIE? 48 00:02:32,453 --> 00:02:34,423 OF COURSE THERE IS. 49 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:50,944 OH, WAIT. DO YOU NEED AN AMBULANCE, OR, UH -- 50 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:54,914 OR AM I NOT GOOD AT ANYTHING? 51 00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:59,175 YOU'RE A VERY SOUND SLEEPER. 52 00:02:59,247 --> 00:03:00,447 BYE! 53 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,824 [ SIGHS ] WELL, AND IT SOUNDED LIKE FUN. 54 00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,553 THEY'RE PROTESTING THIS COFFEE MADE 55 00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:08,358 FROM BEANS THAT HAVE, UH, PASSED THROUGH THESE CATS. 56 00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:11,392 MIXING POOP AND COFFEE? 57 00:03:11,459 --> 00:03:12,929 THAT'S RIDICULOUS. 58 00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:16,303 WHO WOULD DO THAT TO POOP? 59 00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:18,834 TELL THAT TO THE FOLKS DOWN AT THE ORGANIC MARKET. 60 00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:21,799 THEY'RE BUYING IT FOR $300 A POUND. 61 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:25,439 [ CHA-CHING! ] 62 00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:28,476 OH, BOY. I DON'T LIKE THAT LOOK. 63 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:31,952 I KNOW. IT KIND OF ITCHES. 64 00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:33,982 HERE, LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU. 65 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,447 WHEW. 66 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:38,616 YOU GOT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT MONEY. 67 00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:40,916 THANK YOU. OH, SO MUCH BETTER. 68 00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:44,328 * BA-DA-BOO-PA-BEE-BA 69 00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:46,992 OKAY, KITTY, COFFEE BREAK'S OVER. 70 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,000 TIME TO MAKE THE COFFEE. 71 00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:59,240 AND TO GET RICH QUICK... 72 00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:10,847 COME ON. EAT UP. 73 00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,988 WHAT'S WRONG? 74 00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:17,633 TOO GOOD FOR COFFEE BEANS AND OFF-BRAND LAXATIVES? 75 00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:19,861 THIS IS ALL SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S EATEN 76 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:23,357 SINCE 1993. 77 00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:25,631 FINE. BE THAT WAY. 78 00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:30,469 I'LL JUST FIND SOMETHING DUMBER, MORE COMPLACENT, 79 00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:35,908 SOMETHING THAT WILL EAT ANYTHING PUT IN FRONT OF HIM. 80 00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:37,346 MMM, MMM. 81 00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:40,311 PLEASE DON'T TELL JUNE I'M EATING CANDY. 82 00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:43,851 SHE SAYS IT'S FOR SAD PEOPLE AND PEDOPHILES. 83 00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:45,317 [ CHA-CHING! ] 84 00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:47,416 * BEE-BOO-BEE-BOP-BOO 85 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:52,863 OKAY, AND YOU'RE SURE THAT'S THE LAST OF BEANS YOU ATE? 86 00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:55,626 YEAH, PLUS THERE WAS A MARBLE I SWALLOWED WHEN I WAS 9. 87 00:04:55,696 --> 00:04:56,856 [ STOMACH GURGLES ] 88 00:04:56,930 --> 00:05:00,030 UGH. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 89 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,500 DON'T FORGET YOUR BEAN-PICKING GLOVES! 90 00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:05,872 [ COFFEE MAKER BEEPS ] 91 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:08,079 OH, JUNE! 92 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,611 OH. 93 00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:12,347 MORE OF JACK'S COFFEE? 94 00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:13,913 OH, DEAR. 95 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,981 COME ON. DRINK, DRINK. 96 00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:19,619 IT WOULD MEAN THE WORLD TO HIM. 97 00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:22,957 HEY, THAT'S GOOD, I MEAN REALLY GOOD! 98 00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:25,393 ARE YOU SURE THAT JACK MADE THIS? 99 00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:27,459 YES. 100 00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:30,458 WHO KNEW HE HAD IT IN HIM? 101 00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,831 [ RIM SHOT ] 102 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:36,340 [ TOILET FLUSHES ] 103 00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:37,844 MORE BEANS. 104 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,835 [ SPITTING ] 105 00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:56,593 UGH, YOU TURNED JACKIE INTO A GOSH-DARN CIVET. 106 00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:01,562 DON'T LISTEN TO HER. 107 00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:03,599 YOU HAVE A GOD-GIVEN TALENT HERE. 108 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,574 OH, I GOT TO SHARE THIS WITH THE WORLD. 109 00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:07,843 EH, SLOW DOWN, STARBUTTS. 110 00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:09,471 LOOK, WE NEED TO MAKE SURE 111 00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:12,137 THIS APPEALS TO OUR TARGET AUDIENCE -- 112 00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:15,005 PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES WHO LOVE COFFEE 113 00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:19,045 AND CAN'T RESIST OVERPRICED, GIMMICKY BULLSHIT. 114 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:20,982 WE NEED TO TEST IT ON -- 115 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,478 UH, COME WITH ME WHILE I FINISH THIS SENTENCE. 116 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,120 ...HIPSTERS. 117 00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:35,456 HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF CIVET COFFEE? 118 00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:36,599 OH, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS? 119 00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:38,534 YES. WELL, NOT EXACTLY. 120 00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:41,399 THIS HAS PASSED THROUGH THE INTESTINES 121 00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:42,969 OF A FORMER CHILD STAR. 122 00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:45,566 OH. [ LAUGHS ] EVEN BETTER. 123 00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:48,409 SO THAT IT HAS THE SPECIAL KIND OF BITTERNESS 124 00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:52,046 THAT ONLY CHILD STARS CAN CONJURE UP. 125 00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,082 IT'S RICH, LIKE YOUR PARENTS, 126 00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:57,447 AND DARK, LIKE THE PEOPLE YOU PUSHED OUT OF THIS NEIGHBORHOOD. 127 00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:58,888 [ LAUGHS ] 128 00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:00,492 OH. 129 00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:03,464 YOU KNOW, TIME WAS IF YOU WANTED TO EXPERIENCE 130 00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:07,504 THE INSIDE OF A CHILD ACTOR, YOU NEEDED A NEVERLAND RANCH. 131 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,631 NOT ANYMORE. [ LAUGHS ] 132 00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:11,057 HEY, HOW YOU DOING? 133 00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,001 HEY, DOING ALL RIGHT. 134 00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:16,436 SORRY TO INTERRUPT. I CAN SEE YOU'RE PRETTY BUSY RIGHT NOW -- 135 00:07:16,504 --> 00:07:20,174 WRITING THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE, RIGHT? 136 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,940 IT'S ALL RIGHT, I GOT A COUPLE MINUTES. 137 00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:24,039 SERIOUSLY, HOW'S THE SCREENPLAY COMING? 138 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,611 IT'S TOUGH. IT'S COMING ALONG, THOUGH. 139 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:28,079 YEAH, LISTEN, WELL, I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL THE ENDING, 140 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:33,048 BUT YOU GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS AND GET A JOB AT TARGET. 141 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,960 WHERE DID YOU SAY IT COMES FROM? 142 00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:36,892 TAKE ANOTHER SIP. HIS ASSHOLE. 143 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,187 MM. 144 00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:40,659 WOW. 145 00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:42,598 RIGHT? IT'S NOT BAD. YEAH, IT'S PRETTY GOOD. 146 00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:45,003 TELL US THE SCREENPLAY. NO, I WANT TO HEAR IT. 147 00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:46,865 YES, PLEASE. TELL US. ALL RIGHT. 148 00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:49,504 WELL, I MEAN, IT'S, UH -- IT'S A RITE-OF-PASSAGE STORY 149 00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,940 ABOUT A KID AND A FATHER. OOH, RITE OF PASSAGE. 150 00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,465 SURE. THEY'RE IN AMERICA. 151 00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:54,911 THE DAD HAS TO GET DEPORTED. 152 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,905 MM-HMM. HE HAS TO GO BACK TO SWEDEN. 153 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,507 MM-HMM. AND THE KID IS VERY YOUNG. 154 00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:00,579 HE'S GROWING UP, AND HE -- HE... AH. 155 00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:02,018 HE BECOMES A WRITER. OH. 156 00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,622 AND HE'S VERY INTERESTED IN WRITING ABOUT SWEDEN. 157 00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,885 HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HIS FATHER'S THERE. 158 00:08:06,954 --> 00:08:09,064 SO HE TAKES A BOAT RIDE TO GO OVER THERE. 159 00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:11,492 AND ON THE BOAT RIDE, HE MEETS A PROSTITUTE 160 00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:15,059 WHO -- WHO MAKES HIM A MAN. MM-HMM. 161 00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:17,568 AND WHEN HE GETS TO SWEDEN, HE MEETS HIS FATHER, 162 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,531 BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S HIS FATHER, 163 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,030 AND THE FATHERS A WRITER, TOO. 164 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:22,601 SO, THEY START WRITING TOGETHER 165 00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:24,500 AND TOURING THE COUNTRY TOGETHER. 166 00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:28,012 [ IMITATES GUNSHOT ] 167 00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:29,235 IT... IT'S THAT BAD? 168 00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:30,939 NO, IT WASN'T. THAT BAD? 169 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,911 DO I HAVE TO START OVER? NO, NO. DON'T. 170 00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:35,521 WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE COFFEE? 171 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:36,923 I WOULD LIKE SOME MORE, PLEASE. 172 00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:39,254 I LIKE YOU. YOU'RE A TRUE INDIVIDUAL. 173 00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,219 YOU THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX. 174 00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:43,958 THEN YOU GO BACK INSIDE THE BOX TO SLEEP. 175 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,994 [ BOTH LAUGH ] 176 00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:48,599 SO, THAT'S GOOD. WE LIKE THE COFFEE. 177 00:08:48,662 --> 00:08:50,202 JACK, WE'RE IN. YEAH. 178 00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:52,633 OH, THIS IS GREAT NEWS, LADIES. 179 00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,300 I APPRECIATE YOUR INPUT... 180 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,637 AS YOU APPRECIATE MY OUTPUT. 181 00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:58,014 [ LAUGHS ] 182 00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:00,641 NICE. SEE WHAT HE DID THERE? 183 00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:03,308 * YA-DEE-LEE-DO 184 00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,106 Triumph: OKAY. 185 00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:10,918 AND YOUR ORDER OF ONE LARGE DARK, STEAMING CUP OF JACK 186 00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:13,294 COMES TO $19.93. 187 00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:17,063 WOULD THAT BE CASH OR YOUR FATHER'S CREDIT CARD? 188 00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:20,664 [ TOILET FLUSHES ] 189 00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:23,058 WHEW. 190 00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,670 OH, WOW. 191 00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:27,672 LOOK AT THIS CROWD HERE FOR MY COFFEE! 192 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,035 OH, YES, JACK. 193 00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,642 AND YOU KNOW WHAT? 194 00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:34,144 WE'RE EVEN STARTING TO ATTRACT CONTEMPTIBLE, HIP CELEBRITIES. 195 00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:35,307 LOOK. 196 00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:38,645 [ JACK GASPS ] AAH! 197 00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:42,882 OH, WOW. IT'S EZRA KOENIG FROM VAMPIRE WEEKEND. 198 00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,250 WE ACTUALLY MET BEFORE 199 00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:48,357 AT THE 2011 "MEN WHO LOOK LIKE BOYS" CONVENTION. 200 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:51,661 HERE. TAKE THIS. ON THE HOUSE. 201 00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:55,125 FOR YOU. 202 00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:57,995 WHOA. THAT'S REALLY GOOD. 203 00:09:58,065 --> 00:10:01,065 I JUST RECOMMENDED YOUR COFFEE TO MY ENTIRE FAN BASE. 204 00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:04,944 FANTASTIC. I HOPE YOUR MOTHER AND THE DUDE SHE WOKE UP WITH 205 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:08,205 WILL VISIT SOON. 206 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:11,075 THAT WAS UNNECESSARILY CRUEL. 207 00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:14,054 WRITE A FRUITY SONG ABOUT IT. 208 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,284 [ SQUEALS ] 209 00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:19,188 I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THE GUY WHO SANG... 210 00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:22,892 A BUNCH OF SONGS THAT SOUND LIKE SOMETHING I SHOULD PROBABLY LIKE 211 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,926 LIKES SOMETHING THAT I MADE. 212 00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:26,632 [ SQUEALS ] [ LAUGHS ] 213 00:10:26,694 --> 00:10:28,904 IT JUST MAKES MY HEART FLUTTER! 214 00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:33,198 AND IT'S NOT STOPPING. 215 00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,066 [ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ] 216 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,365 NEAT. 217 00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:40,967 YOU NO-GOOD NUT GUZZLER. 218 00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:43,641 OH! UH, JUNE. 219 00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:46,111 UH, HOW DID YOU FIND THIS PLACE? 220 00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:50,349 THERE'S NOT AN AQUA-AEROBICS CLASS WITHIN MILES OF HERE. 221 00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:52,347 YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME. 222 00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:55,089 UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 223 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,655 OH, WELL, I-I JUST THOUGHT THIS PLACE SHOULD START 224 00:10:57,725 --> 00:11:00,325 REFLECTING MY PERSONALITY AS MUCH AS THE DRINKS DO. 225 00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:05,003 UH, JERSEY JIMMY AND THE PARAMUS PARROTS? 226 00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:09,395 JERSEY'S LEADING JIMMY BUFFETT COVER BAND? 227 00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:12,239 GET YOUR FLAIR HAIRS, FOLKS! 228 00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:14,165 [ LAUGHS ] JACK, PLEASE, STOP. 229 00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:16,111 PLEASE. YOU'RE DISTURBING THEM. 230 00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:22,076 HERE. BUY TWO OF THESE, GET ONE FREE PUMPKIN-SPICE LATTE. 231 00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:23,949 JACK, THAT'S NOT EVEN ON THE MENU! 232 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,117 [ GRUNTS ] I'M WORKING ON IT! 233 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,186 [ COUGHING ] 234 00:11:31,992 --> 00:11:35,062 NO, JACK. OH, NO. 235 00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,998 I THINK YOUR BIRD-FACED FRIEND IS LOSING THE CUSTOMERS. 236 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:41,940 YEAH. 237 00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:43,242 WAIT, WAIT! 238 00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:45,273 EVERYBODY... 239 00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:48,138 IT'S IRONIC. 240 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,038 HE'S BEING IRONIC! 241 00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:51,310 [ LAUGHS ] 242 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:54,348 HE HAS CONTEMPT FOR WHAT HE APPEARS TO LIKE. 243 00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:55,954 YES, COME. 244 00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:58,216 JIMMY BUFFETT, YES. 245 00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,915 [ SIGHS ] COME ON IN, EVERYBODY! 246 00:12:00,988 --> 00:12:03,118 GOSH, YOUR SOULS LOOK SO GOOD TODAY. 247 00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:04,290 [ HEART BEATING LOUDLY ] 248 00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:06,287 [ SQUEALING ] 249 00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:10,495 JACK, IS THAT YOUR HEART? ARE YOU OKAY? 250 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,333 WHAT?! I AM MORE THAN OKAY! 251 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,300 THANKS TO THIS COFFEE, I FINALLY FEEL LIKE I MATTER TO PEOPLE, 252 00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:19,309 LIKE AN ASTRONAUT OR A MISSING WHITE TEENAGER. 253 00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:21,982 [ HEARTBEAT STOPS ] 254 00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,942 I CAN'T TELL IF I'M HAVING A SEIZURE, 255 00:12:24,011 --> 00:12:26,911 OR IF I AM HAVING A SEIZURE AND LOVING IT! 256 00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,180 UGH. 257 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,518 OH, JACKIE! OH! 258 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,523 IS ANYONE A DOCTOR? 259 00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:38,485 DOES ANYONE HAVE A JOB? 260 00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:41,488 GET OVER HERE. COME ON UP HERE. NOW! NOW! 261 00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:43,161 * BA-BA-DA-DUM 262 00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:51,301 JACKAHOLICS, YOUR HERO HAS RETURNED! 263 00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:57,848 JACKAHOLICS... 264 00:12:57,911 --> 00:13:00,081 TRIUMPH, IT'S SO NICE 265 00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:03,277 THAT YOU'RE SERVING COFFEE TO ALL THESE DEAF PEOPLE. 266 00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:04,480 [ CHUCKLES ] 267 00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:08,391 JACK, I, UH, DIDN'T EXPECT YOU BACK SO SOON. 268 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:12,285 UH, ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN'T NEED, UH, SOME MORE TIME OFF? 269 00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:15,359 OH, NO WAY. IT TOOK FOUR WEEKS AT A ZEN RETREAT, 270 00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:17,428 BUT I MADE A BIG DISCOVERY. 271 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:21,067 JUST BECAUSE A BALD ASIAN MAN IN A ROBE INVITES YOU TO STAY, 272 00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:24,104 THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT A ZEN RETREAT. 273 00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:26,471 ANYWAY, I AM BACK AND READY TO WORK. 274 00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:28,109 OKAY, UH... 275 00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:30,305 WH-WHOA. 276 00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,277 Ezra: SOMEONE'S IN HERE. 277 00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:36,247 DID YOU REPLACE ME? 278 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,376 NO! 279 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,250 THEY COULD BE WASHING THEIR HA-- 280 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,349 [ TOILET FLUSHES ] 281 00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:52,229 IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY. [ SIGHS ] 282 00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:54,499 HIS PICTURE IS ON MY LOGO! 283 00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:57,437 YOU'RE NOT EVEN A FORMER CHILD ACTOR. 284 00:13:57,504 --> 00:14:00,274 YES, BUT I NEVER TECHNICALLY WENT THROUGH PUBERTY. 285 00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:05,179 EXCUSE ME. APATOW ROYALTY COMING THROUGH. 286 00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:06,375 OH, MY GOODNESS. 287 00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:08,376 UH-HUH. OH, MY GOODNESS. 288 00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:11,518 EZRA! EZRA! LOOK! 289 00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,154 LOOK! 290 00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:15,090 EZRA, LOOK. 291 00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:19,455 IT'S PAUL RUDD -- EVERY COMEDY MOVIE'S FOURTH PHONE CALL. 292 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,398 NO, LOOK, YOU GOT TO TELL THEM 293 00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:25,373 I'M PART OF THE MARVEL UNIVERSE NOW. 294 00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:28,002 IF THEY WANT ME TO DO THAT MOVIE, I WANT $20 MILLION 295 00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:31,198 AND A RESEARCH LIBRARY BUILT IN MY NAME. 296 00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:34,371 DOESN'T MATTER WHAT KIND. I GOT TO GO. 297 00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:36,381 PAUL RUDD. 298 00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:39,483 YOU'RE FADING WELL. 299 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:42,176 YOU GUYS GOT PAUL RUDD? 300 00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:44,119 WELL, COME ON. HAVE YOU SEEN HIS MOVIES? 301 00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:47,554 HE'S NATURALLY DRAWN TO SHIT. 302 00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:51,390 UH, I'LL TAKE TWO AMERIKOENIGS -- ONE FOR ME 303 00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:56,498 AND ONE FOR MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE'S FAVORITE BABYSITTER. 304 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,033 I'LL HAVE A LARGE. 305 00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:59,598 I DON'T KNOW. OUR LARGE IS PRETTY BIG. 306 00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:03,066 CAN SOMEONE HELP YOU CARRY IT? 307 00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:05,136 I ASSURE YOU, I CAN CARRY IT. OKAY, OKAY. 308 00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:07,205 I-I JUST FIGURED SINCE YOU CAN'T CARRY A FILM, 309 00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:10,514 A 12-OUNCE COFFEE MIGHT BE A PROBLEM. 310 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,577 I KID. I KID. 311 00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:17,145 UH, HONESTLY, HONESTLY, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE YOU HERE. 312 00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:18,647 IN FACT, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE YOU AGAIN 313 00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:21,148 NOW THAT CHRIS PRATT EXISTS. 314 00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:26,532 YOUR BARBS DON'T HURT ME. 315 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:30,033 I STOPPED BEING SELF-AWARE IN 2012. 316 00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:32,067 WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ME A COFFEE AND FIND ME A SEAT? 317 00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:36,542 I'M EXHAUSTED FROM CARRYING MY WALLET ALL DAY. 318 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,413 NO PROBLEM. YOU WANT TO SIT, BIG GUY? 319 00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:39,671 NO PROBLEM. HERE. 320 00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:43,409 HEY, GUYS! CHARLIE KAUFMAN IS ACROSS THE STREET, 321 00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:47,676 AND HE'S HAVING TROUBLE THINKING OF SCREENPLAY IDEAS. 322 00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:50,147 THERE YOU GO. GO AHEAD. 323 00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:53,147 GO RIGHT THERE. 324 00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:56,260 SO, I GUESS THIS IS REALLY THE END FOR ME. 325 00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,133 HEY, LOOK. 326 00:15:58,191 --> 00:16:00,261 [ SIGHS ] I KNOW YOU'RE BLUE 327 00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:05,227 THAT PEOPLE LIKE KOENIG'S BUTT BEANS BETTER THAN YOURS. 328 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,198 SO I GOT YOU A GIFT. 329 00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:09,067 A MARBLE? 330 00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:11,396 NOT JUST ANY MARBLE -- 331 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:15,611 THE ONE YOU FOUND IN YOUR SHIT. 332 00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:18,575 FROM THE FIRST TIME I ATE THE BEANS? 333 00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:21,675 YEAH. MY VIRGIN BATCH. 334 00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:26,048 AWW, TRIUMPH. I GUESS I DON'T NEED A SHOP FULL OF FANS, 335 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:27,549 AS LONG AS I HAVE YOUR FRIENDSHIP. 336 00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:29,120 EXCUSE ME. I-I'M SORRY. 337 00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:31,159 MY -- MY YACHT EAR IS ACTING UP, 338 00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:33,194 SO I MIGHT NOT HAVE HEARD CORRECTLY, 339 00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:36,260 BUT DID YOU SAY THAT MARBLE HAS BEEN PASSED? 340 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,029 Triumph: UH, NO, UH... 341 00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:41,398 PASSED IS WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE ON "DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS." 342 00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:43,568 UH... 343 00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:48,076 THIS MARBLE -- THIS MARBLE HAS BEEN POOPED. POOPED. 344 00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:50,041 I'LL GIVE YOU $500 FOR IT. 345 00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,480 WHAT?! 346 00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:53,314 ARE YOU MAD? 347 00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:56,350 CLEARLY, YOU'RE NOT WEALTHY ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND, 348 00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:58,286 BUT ALL REALLY RICH PEOPLE KNOW 349 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,091 THAT ANY ITEM BECOMES INFINITELY MORE VALUABLE 350 00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:04,224 ONCE IT'S BEEN PASSED THROUGH THE INTESTINE. 351 00:17:04,291 --> 00:17:07,191 EVERYTHING? NOT JUST COFFEE BEANS? 352 00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:09,060 EVERYTHING. 353 00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:12,329 IN FACT, EACH ITEM OF CLOTHING THAT I GAVE THIS BABYSITTER 354 00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:14,169 TO TALK HER INTO GETTING AN ABORTION 355 00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:18,244 WAS SWALLOWED AND DEFECATED BY MOROCCAN ARTISANS. 356 00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:20,535 MOROCCAN ARTISANS? 357 00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:22,537 MY GOODNESS. 358 00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:25,449 THIS FABRIC ON THIS. 359 00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:28,452 MY GOODNESS. 360 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:30,315 SUCH QUALITY. 361 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:33,553 AND IF INNARDS COULD DO THIS TO THE CLOTHES -- 362 00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:37,090 BUT, TRIUMPH, THAT MARBLE WAS A GIFT. 363 00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:38,557 YOU'RE RIGHT. 364 00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:42,555 SORRY, RUDD, BUT SOME THINGS ARE WORTH MORE THAN MONEY. 365 00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,659 WHAT IF I SWALLOWED IT? 366 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,501 HEY, YOU KNOW, 367 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:50,266 YOU WRITE SONGS THAT SOUND LIKE SOMETHING I SHOULD LIKE. 368 00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:51,297 $10,000. 369 00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:53,441 $10,000?! 370 00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:54,566 HERE YOU GO. 371 00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,641 EAT IT, POOP IT, COME BACK. 372 00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:59,179 TRIUMPH! SORRY, MAN. 373 00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:02,646 ME AND THAT SICKLY EUROPEAN PRINCE HAVE A FORTUNE TO MAKE. 374 00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:06,085 * DO-DOODLEY-A-BAP-OH 375 00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:07,593 HI. 376 00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:10,864 YOU'VE ENJOYED OUR COFFEE THAT HAS COME OUT OF EZRA KOENIG. 377 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:13,533 NOW WE INVITE YOU TO ENJOY MORE. 378 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,703 ACTION FIGURES, NOVELTY KEY CHAINS, 379 00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:20,133 GIFT CARDS, AND THIS ONE SPORK. 380 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,300 THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT. 381 00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:24,368 AND VISIT OUR USED-CAR LOT, TOO. 382 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:28,337 Triumph: WHEN IS AN ECONOMY CAR NOT AN ECONOMY CAR? 383 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:31,238 WHEN IT HAS BEEN PASSED, PIECE BY PIECE, 384 00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:34,881 THROUGH THE BUTT LIPS OF AN ENDANGERED AFRICAN ELEPHANT. 385 00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:37,217 [ ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ] 386 00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:40,294 THE 1995 BUICK CENTURY -- 387 00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:44,293 LUXURY JUST GOT A WHOLE NEW SMELL. 388 00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:46,187 * DO-DOODLEY-A-BAP-OH 389 00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:49,529 I'M SORRY, CUBA GOODING JR., BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. 390 00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:51,456 EZRA KOENIG JUST DOESN'T HAVE TIME 391 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:54,171 TO SWALLOW EVERY COPY OF "SNOW DOGS." 392 00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:58,474 YOU! 393 00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:00,538 IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. 394 00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:03,177 WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 395 00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:05,413 WELL, THIS NOTE THAT JACK LEFT. 396 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:09,317 "I REALIZE I'M WORTHLESS, 397 00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:14,192 SO I'VE GONE TO DO THE ONLY THING I KNOW WILL CHANGE THAT." 398 00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,564 OH, NO! 399 00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:18,332 HE'S GOING TO DO SOMETHING HORRIBLE TO HIMSELF. 400 00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:20,261 OH, GOOD LORD. 401 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:21,427 HE'S GOING TO WATCH 402 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:25,874 AN ORIGINAL SHOW ON AMAZON PRIME. 403 00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:28,302 NO! BUT ALMOST AS BAD. 404 00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:32,674 JACK! 405 00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:35,239 DON'T DO IT! STOP! 406 00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:37,478 [ ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ] 407 00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:42,583 JACK! 408 00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:44,949 JACK, NO. PLEASE. 409 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,947 JACK, DON'T DO IT. 410 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:50,389 WHY NOT? I'M NOT GOOD AT ANYTHING. 411 00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:52,727 NOBODY WANTS ME. 412 00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:56,562 I'M AS WORTHLESS AS UN-POOPED BUICK. 413 00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:58,469 BUT IF I PASS THROUGH THIS ELEPHANT, 414 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,471 AT LEAST I'LL BE WORTH SOMETHING. 415 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,403 JACK, LISTEN TO ME. 416 00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:05,639 I KNOW IT WAS GREAT WHEN EVERYBODY LOVED YOUR COFFEE, 417 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,905 BUT YOU GOT SO FOCUSED ON THE CRAP INSIDE YOU, 418 00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:11,635 THAT YOU FORGOT WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT -- 419 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:16,521 THE CRAP INSIDE YOU. 420 00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,893 NOW, THAT IS CONFUSINGLY PHRASED. 421 00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,551 BUT IT'S TRUE. 422 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,490 NOW, COME ON DOWN. 423 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:26,455 AND LET ME GET A BIG WHIFF OF MY FAVORITE CRAP. 424 00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:29,596 [ CHUCKLES ] YEAH. 425 00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:31,462 [ ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ] AAH! 426 00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:33,301 NO! 427 00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:34,626 NO! 428 00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:37,341 NO-O-O-O! 429 00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:39,914 GET ME OUT OF HERE! OH, MY. 430 00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:42,342 DON'T WORRY, JACK. DON'T WORRY. 431 00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:43,979 I'VE KEPT THIS ON ME 432 00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:47,953 EVER SINCE THE COURT SAID I COULDN'T LEGALLY CARRY MACE. 433 00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:52,594 IT'S JUNE'S LINGERIE SHOOT FROM AARP MAGAZINE. 434 00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:55,322 HERE IT IS, ELEPHANT! LOOK AT THAT! 435 00:20:55,388 --> 00:20:58,428 [ ELEPHANT RETCHES ] 436 00:20:58,491 --> 00:21:00,991 YES! YES! 437 00:21:04,331 --> 00:21:05,701 YOU SAVED ME. 438 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:08,565 WELL, ME AND JUNE'S MUFFIN TOPS. 439 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:14,470 NOW LET'S GO WIPE YOU OFF WITH JUNE'S GOOD TOWELS, BUDDY. 440 00:21:14,541 --> 00:21:16,611 [ ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ] 441 00:21:16,676 --> 00:21:18,976 [ ELEPHANT FARTS, TRUMPETS ] 442 00:21:30,390 --> 00:21:32,960 [ SIGHS ] 443 00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:35,455 I FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS. 444 00:21:35,528 --> 00:21:38,628 AND ONCE I FIND A BLUE WHALE, I'LL FEEL LIKE A BILLION. 445 00:21:38,698 --> 00:21:41,028 BRUCE, DAFFODIL, LET'S ROLL. 446 00:21:41,100 --> 00:21:43,040 [ SHOES SQUISHING ] 447 00:21:47,006 --> 00:21:49,606 I'M NOT UPSET. I-I-I'M NOT JEALOUS. 448 00:21:49,676 --> 00:21:52,646 OH, WELL, ME, NEITHER. [ CHUCKLES ] 449 00:21:52,712 --> 00:21:54,712 OKAY, I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS OF THE ELEPHANT. 450 00:21:54,781 --> 00:21:56,951 * BA-DA-BA-DA-BA-DA, OH 451 00:21:57,016 --> 00:22:00,416 * BOP-BA-DEE 452 00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:01,547 HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? 453 00:22:01,621 --> 00:22:03,461 I -- NOT GOOD. 454 00:22:03,523 --> 00:22:05,933 FIRST PERSON WHO HASN'T LIKED IT. 455 00:22:05,992 --> 00:22:08,602 NO, IT'S TOTALLY FINE. 456 00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:11,001 YOU TWEE, INSUFFERABLE FUCK. 457 00:22:11,063 --> 00:22:12,603 YOU WOULDN'T KNOW GOOD COFFEE 458 00:22:12,665 --> 00:22:15,095 IF IT WAS FUNNELED STRAIGHT INTO YOUR ASSHOLE. 459 00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:16,537 [ LAUGHS ] 460 00:22:16,603 --> 00:22:18,443 I'M SORRY IT DOESN'T HAVE A PIXIE CUT 461 00:22:18,505 --> 00:22:20,505 AND YOUR DICK IN ITS MOUTH. 462 00:22:20,573 --> 00:22:23,613 HOPE NEXT TIME YOU'RE RIDING YOUR FIXIE AROUND THE RESERVOIR, 463 00:22:23,676 --> 00:22:25,036 A TRUCK HITS YOU, 464 00:22:25,111 --> 00:22:27,751 YOU STUPID FUCKING MUMFORD SON OF A BITCH. 465 00:22:27,814 --> 00:22:29,484 [ LAUGHS ] 32625

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