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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,275 --> 00:00:08,435 RANGER: This is ridiculous, Rex. 2 00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:10,006 In my day, you only got two physicals, 3 00:00:10,044 --> 00:00:11,984 the day you were born and the day you join the army. 4 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:14,452 (SCOFFS) Yeah, you just wait until you get to be my age. 5 00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:16,922 Doctors become obsessed with your prostate. 6 00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:19,220 Every time you get a sniffle, 7 00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:21,163 you're playing finger-in-the-butt roulette. 8 00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:23,159 Finger-in-the... What? They can do that? 9 00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:24,991 They can, and they do. 10 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:28,195 That's why I'm having my private M.D. handle our physicals. 11 00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:29,729 Jewbot? 12 00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,803 What does a machine know about the human body? 13 00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:34,032 As long as he stays away from my butthole, 14 00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:35,468 I don't care. 15 00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:36,603 I'm sorry, Lex. 16 00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:39,037 Birth control coverage does not extend to interns. 17 00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:42,243 Oh, hi, Rex! I mean, eat one apple a day. Neh, neh, neh. 18 00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:45,306 Hey, Lex, you're on the cover of another magazine. 19 00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:47,446 "Lex-Sanity," wow! (CHUCKLES) 20 00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:51,091 I guess you take down Dr. Devizo and people notice. 21 00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:52,889 95% of Americans want to know 22 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,790 why I haven't joined the League yet. 23 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:56,322 Rex, you got a take on that? 24 00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:59,327 Because Sergeant Agony has Congress convinced 25 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:02,130 it would look bad if I promote my own daughter. 26 00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:04,033 That's not what Us Weekly thinks. 27 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,104 "Lex Lightning brings the thunder, 28 00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:08,844 "thighs with a side of cottage cheese?" 29 00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:10,239 What does that have to do with any... 30 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,411 Oh, come on. That's a bad picture. 31 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,110 That's celebrity in America, baby. 32 00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:15,982 We've both got to get used to it now. 33 00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:17,979 Everybody's talking about Blex. 34 00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:19,281 What? This is ridiculous! 35 00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:21,183 I am a serious superhero. 36 00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:22,845 Dad, we have to get me on this team. 37 00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:25,023 Go over Agony's head. Complain to Kid Victory. 38 00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:27,052 I have. Many times. 39 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,387 He's working on it, Lex. 40 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:29,492 Ugh! 41 00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:31,793 No licking yourself for 72 hours. 42 00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:32,985 Not gonna happen! 43 00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,086 Can you do 48? 44 00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:35,598 No deal. 36? 45 00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:37,129 Sure. Minutes. See you! 46 00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:39,768 Fantastic. Rex? 47 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,440 (SIGHS) Let's get this over with. 48 00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:44,100 All vital signs normal. 49 00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:45,668 You're in acceptable shape. 50 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,176 I'll take that, Jewbot. 51 00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:49,608 You're doing a stellar job. I want you to know that. 52 00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:52,413 Oh, there is just one more thing. 53 00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:54,747 W... Whatever do you mean? 54 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,282 I would not be doing my job... 55 00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:57,447 Jewbot, you're scaring me. 56 00:01:57,485 --> 00:02:00,085 ...if I didn't check your prostate. 57 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,490 No! 58 00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:04,363 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 59 00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,801 (WHIRRING) 60 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:10,927 (GROANS) 61 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,172 You want some Cooch? 62 00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:15,304 (GASPS) Argh! 63 00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,236 Don't get mad, get Brad! 64 00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:25,345 (BEEPING) 65 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:29,382 (EAGLE SCREAMING) 66 00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:46,998 I am sorry. I did not know my fingers came off. 67 00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:50,004 In my defense, your grip was unexpected. 68 00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:51,637 Well, your finger was cold. 69 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,972 I thought I was getting hollowed out by a popsicle. 70 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,107 I'm going to need that back. 71 00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:56,712 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep your voice down. 72 00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:57,884 Next. 73 00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,451 Well, Brad, since you refused to take any advice, 74 00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:03,151 we'll wrap this up... Oh, my God, your penis is out. 75 00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:06,153 Oh, I'm sorry. It's just I've got a rash all over my wang. 76 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,616 Could have used the setup before the reveal. 77 00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:11,356 My best guess, because I am not touching that thing, 78 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:14,092 is that it's an allergic reaction to cats. 79 00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:15,627 Why would you say that? 80 00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:17,633 There is feline hair everywhere. 81 00:03:17,665 --> 00:03:19,465 Also, you are fuckin' a cat. 82 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:20,670 Cooch! 83 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,541 From now on, you must refrain from making love to her. 84 00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:25,571 Or any other cats. 85 00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:28,636 I'm sad you felt the need to add that. 86 00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:31,706 I mean, I get it, but still... 87 00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:34,715 Ugh! I'm tired of waiting for a place on this team. 88 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,688 My intern badge doesn't even get me into the sub-level gym. 89 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,388 Speaking of, can I borrow your badge? 90 00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:41,990 Apparently, I've got some work to do on my thighs. 91 00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:44,432 No can do. After the Devizo debacle, 92 00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:46,388 these babies were synced to our DNA. 93 00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:48,427 Plus, I like the terrain back there. 94 00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:50,302 Helps me find my way in the dark. (HELICOPTER WHIRRING) 95 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:51,631 W... Wait, what? 96 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:55,435 Ivan Whiff? 97 00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:57,869 Billionaire defense contractor Ivan Whiff, 98 00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,435 but you were close. Sort of. 99 00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:00,673 I'd give you a card, 100 00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:03,738 but this thing doesn't have pockets yet. 101 00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:06,307 I know you! You invented that blanket with the arm holes 102 00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:07,647 you can wear to the grocery store. 103 00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:09,881 What? No, I didn't. Where did you hear that? 104 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:12,147 I'm an inventor, private defense contractor 105 00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:14,185 with fingers in a lot of pies, 106 00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:17,161 but I spared a thumb for one more, 107 00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:19,330 the superhero game. 108 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,760 I'm listening. 109 00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:22,334 I'm not talking to you. 110 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:25,133 I saw what you did to Dr. Devizo, Lex. 111 00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:27,735 I think you might be perfect for my team. 112 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:28,868 What team? 113 00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:31,042 Again, I wasn't addressing you. 114 00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:34,141 But since the entire world would like to know, 115 00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:37,214 Whiff Worldwide built and maintains 116 00:04:37,244 --> 00:04:39,714 America's nuclear arsenal, 117 00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:42,247 but I'm not stopping there. 118 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:45,592 I'm putting together a privately funded team of heroes 119 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,759 that will make the League of Freedom look like 120 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:50,158 Ashton Kutcher's Two and a Half Men, 121 00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:52,790 a pale but not unwatchable imitation. 122 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:53,926 That's very flattering, 123 00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,261 but I'll have to think about it. 124 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:56,955 Very clear I wasn't talking to you. 125 00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:58,067 Not that clear. 126 00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:00,268 Mr. Whiff, I don't know what to say. 127 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,340 Say yes. Yes, yes, yes! 128 00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:04,810 Okay, look, buddy, this is starting to get sad. 129 00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,038 Think about it, Lex. 130 00:05:06,073 --> 00:05:07,273 But don't take too long. 131 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,137 The future waits for no man. 132 00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,876 I'm a man. Shut up! 133 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,111 (CLEARS THROAT) Lex, you know where to find me. 134 00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:18,887 Guy talked my ear off! 135 00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:21,093 Say, "Ahh." 136 00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:22,721 I'll do that myself, thank you. 137 00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:24,286 (GRUNTS) 138 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,394 That's harder than it looks. 139 00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:27,156 Ranger, you seem agitated. 140 00:05:27,194 --> 00:05:28,864 I don't appreciate your man-made hands 141 00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:31,226 exploring my moist, God-given holes. 142 00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:32,734 All right, talk to me. 143 00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,696 (SIGHS) It's Gloria. 144 00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:37,065 As you don't know, because I rarely share 145 00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:38,914 my personal life with appliances, 146 00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:40,939 we're in the process of rebuilding our marriage. 147 00:05:40,974 --> 00:05:42,114 Mmm-hmm. 148 00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:44,712 (SIGHS) Gloria thinks we should have a child, 149 00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:47,275 and because she froze her eggs in the '50s 150 00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:49,854 and the future is a whispered nightmare, 151 00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:53,993 that apparently entails me masturbating into a test tube. 152 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,521 Well, yes, science has made 153 00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:57,386 great strides since the 1940s. 154 00:05:57,425 --> 00:05:58,525 What is that? 155 00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:01,189 A plastic cup for you to masturbate into. 156 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:03,028 Wha... I'm... I'm not... 157 00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:04,603 I don't Charleston with my chubby 158 00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:06,272 on the whim of a mechanical man. 159 00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:07,769 What kind of godless machine are you? 160 00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:08,871 Let it out, Ranger. 161 00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:11,242 I am a robot. You can't hurt my feelings. 162 00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:13,911 Medical advice from an unfeeling, dead-eyed automaton. 163 00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,911 Okay, I felt the "dead-eyed" thing. 164 00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,283 That one got through. 165 00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:20,350 (CRYING) Brad, are you crying? 166 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,550 Oh! Scrap it when you're done, dude. 167 00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:23,653 Cooch, wait. 168 00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:26,124 I'm crying because I can't see you anymore. 169 00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:27,763 Get some freaking glasses, dude. 170 00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:31,318 No, I... I'm allergic to cats. 171 00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:32,888 We have to break up. 172 00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,796 That's it? We're done? 173 00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:36,863 See ya? 174 00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:39,368 One last time? 175 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,499 Yeah, what the hell? 176 00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:42,368 Holy hell! 177 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,372 Are there vines growing out of it? 178 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,344 Oh! Ooh! Aw! 179 00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:49,283 Psst. Jewbot, I still haven't passed that finger. 180 00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:50,409 Should I be worried? 181 00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:52,584 Hmm, the finger is sterile, so there is... 182 00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,453 No, no! Stop moving your fingers, please. 183 00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:57,222 Oh, I still have control over my appendage. 184 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:58,450 I will keep that in mind. 185 00:06:58,486 --> 00:06:59,686 (GRUMBLES) Please do. 186 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,190 Hey, Dad. Hi, honey. (LAUGHING) 187 00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,721 I don't have anything in my butt. 188 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,557 Did anyone ask? 189 00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:07,333 Anyway, you know what's really weird? 190 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:08,900 Ivan Whiff was just here. 191 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,529 Whiff? Ha! I've told him a hundred times 192 00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:14,635 there's no room for wannabes on this team. 193 00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:17,098 Actually, he's starting his own team, 194 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,507 and he wants me to join. 195 00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:20,439 Oh, he's just trying to get back at me 196 00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:22,784 for rejecting his application to the League. 197 00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:25,350 Or maybe he thinks I'm being wasted grabbing coffee 198 00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:27,408 and taking Cooch's jorts to the cleaners. 199 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,247 Jorts? Jean shorts. 200 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,082 It's really hard on me that I know that. 201 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:33,418 Now, honey, Kid Victory assures me he's working on every... 202 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:34,623 (PIANO PLAYING) 203 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:35,955 Ah! Jewbot! 204 00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:38,289 Are you playing the goddamn piano? 205 00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:39,485 JEWBOT: Sorry! 206 00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:41,497 Lex, I'm sorry you had to see that. 207 00:07:41,529 --> 00:07:43,029 Ah, oh, where'd you go? 208 00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:47,033 WHIFF: That's 31 minutes! 209 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,197 Pizza's free! 210 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:49,635 Oh, Lex, it's you. 211 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,000 Does the offer still stand? 212 00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,568 Well, I should hope so. They guaranteed that it would be here. 213 00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:55,577 Uh, the offer to join your team. 214 00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,109 Ah, yes. 215 00:07:57,144 --> 00:08:00,054 Come in. I'd offer you pizza, but obviously... 216 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,350 LEX: Got it. 217 00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:03,051 Where the fuck is that guy? 218 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,916 You've made the right call, Lex. 219 00:08:07,955 --> 00:08:10,355 I think you'll be happy on my team. 220 00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:13,430 You'll want for nothing, except maybe pizza. 221 00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:15,760 45 minutes? (CLEARS THROAT) 222 00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:19,126 I hope making you this custom uniform wasn't too forward. 223 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,196 Wow, what is this fabric? 224 00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,174 A special blend of Indonesian satin 225 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,073 and rhinoceros foreskin. 226 00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:26,365 How many foreskins? 227 00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:29,206 If you care enough to ask, you probably don't want to know. 228 00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:31,082 By the way, has that pizza shown up yet? 229 00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:32,781 No. Fuckers! 230 00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:34,383 (CLEARS THROAT AND CHUCKLES) 231 00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:36,984 So, Lex, you ready to suit up for Team Whiff? 232 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,147 Well, I haven't said yes yet, 233 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,856 but as long as I'm not responsible for pressing your jorts, 234 00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:43,089 I'm all ears. 235 00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,633 I'm a billionaire. I dispose of my jorts after one use. 236 00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:47,159 That is... That's impressive. 237 00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:48,264 (GLASS BREAKS) 238 00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:50,525 I'm here. I found your unlisted address. 239 00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:52,134 Consider your first test passed. 240 00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:53,495 This was not a test! 241 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,803 By the way, who's throwing away 242 00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:56,195 all the perfectly good jorts? 243 00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:57,636 Were you following me? 244 00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:59,041 I guess I'm a little jealous. 245 00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:00,812 Oh, that's so sweet. 246 00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,141 Listen, Whiff isn't my type. 247 00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:03,775 Not of him, of you! 248 00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:05,911 Make me an offer. I can work around your budget. 249 00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:07,876 Oh, please leave! 250 00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:09,415 Wait, I think I hear a telephone. 251 00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:10,519 Ring, ring! (WHIRRING) 252 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,190 Oh, hallelujah on high. 253 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:13,789 Just watch. Hyah! Hyah! 254 00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:15,161 Sorry I'm late. I... Ah! 255 00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:17,418 (CRYING) 256 00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:21,028 You! Get out of my sight! 257 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,031 Hey, honey, you should go. 258 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,503 You're right. 259 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,271 Mind if I grab a few jorts on my way out? 260 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:28,099 Now! 261 00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:30,765 Jewbot, I don't appreciate you making appointments through my wife. 262 00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,574 I thought I made my feelings quite clear. 263 00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,106 You may stop worrying, Ranger. 264 00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:37,441 I have devised a way to make you comfortable while under my care. 265 00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:40,249 Holy Mother of God! 266 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,080 I have fabricated an epidermis 267 00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:43,915 that makes me indistinguishable 268 00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,691 from the average human being. 269 00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:46,949 (SCREAMING) 270 00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:49,421 Hey, Brad. 271 00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:51,356 Jewbot said you might not live through the night 272 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:52,761 and I better say bye to you. 273 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,563 So, bye. See ya. 274 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,334 No! Wait! Cooch, come back! 275 00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:57,433 What? 276 00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:00,365 Yeah, dude. Nice phone. 277 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,300 Pick up the phone. 278 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:06,040 Cooch, just because I can't touch you anymore 279 00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:08,413 doesn't mean we can't, uh, you know... 280 00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,111 Oh, phone-bone? 281 00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:13,383 Yeah, like, tell me your dirtiest fantasies. 282 00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:15,083 You sure about that, dude? 283 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,645 Please, for us. 284 00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,394 Okay, here goes. 285 00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:22,889 I want to pack your nostrils with pretzels 'cause you ain't gonna need those... 286 00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:25,763 (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 287 00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:29,133 And then I'm gonna take things inside of you and things inside of me... 288 00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:30,802 (CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) Oh. 289 00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:36,195 And that would be a pretty little dick bow, wouldn't it? 290 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,706 Brad, what are you staring at, dude? 291 00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:40,439 Say something, Brad! 292 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,313 (GAGS) 293 00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:43,982 Here, we generate the launch codes 294 00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:46,581 for our nation's Whiff-branded nuclear arsenal. 295 00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:49,383 I have the encryption key around here. 296 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,376 I'm so sorry. I'm having trouble thinking. 297 00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:52,848 My blood sugar's dropped on account... 298 00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:54,716 That there's no pizza? Got it. 299 00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,015 Look, let's just cut to the chase. 300 00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:58,086 Are you in or out? She's out! 301 00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,255 Dad, what are you doing? 302 00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:02,332 You don't want to be on this guy's team, Lex. 303 00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:03,502 He's a dilettante. 304 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,900 Well, some of us had to work for our powers, Rex. 305 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:09,403 I wasn't born with a Subtopian spoon in my mouth. 306 00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:10,696 You're missing the point, Dad. 307 00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:13,108 Whiff actually has a spot for me on his team. 308 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:14,340 Okay, I get it. 309 00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:16,784 Come home with me and we'll figure something out. 310 00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:19,710 You mean, besides calling Kid Victory, right? 311 00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:21,447 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, of course, of course. 312 00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:23,521 Because... I've already called him. 313 00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:26,224 O.M. God. 314 00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:27,823 You never called, did you? 315 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,455 You're not even fighting Agony. 316 00:11:29,489 --> 00:11:32,429 Lex, it's dangerous work. You're just not ready. 317 00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:35,229 You're protecting me, like some little girl. 318 00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:36,762 You are my little girl. 319 00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:38,097 Listen to Us Weekly. 320 00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,331 These aren't the thighs of a girl. 321 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:43,297 Not the thighs of a girl at all. 322 00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:46,006 No one talks about my daughter's thighs! 323 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,269 (GRUNTS) 324 00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:49,007 You're going down, Ivan. 325 00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,182 (SHRIEKS) 326 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,950 (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) There's nothing in my butt! 327 00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:53,709 I didn't ask. 328 00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:56,077 All right, I think everything is in order. 329 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,816 No, Gloria, it's against nature. 330 00:11:57,851 --> 00:11:59,291 I'm not doing it. 331 00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:00,789 Uh-huh, okay. 332 00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,021 I see. 333 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,155 I'm doing it. 334 00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:04,930 Excellent. I will give you privacy. 335 00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:06,762 Where do I set the cup? 336 00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:08,534 You hold it. No can do. 337 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,561 I'm what they call a two-hander. 338 00:12:10,597 --> 00:12:13,327 Who is "they"? Oh, this is ridiculous anyway. 339 00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:15,736 No, Ranger, wait. We can work this out. 340 00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:17,839 How? Are you gonna hold the cup for me? 341 00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:21,068 Oh. I suppose. 342 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,608 Why don't you check your joke-ometer, Jewbot? I was kidding. 343 00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:24,853 I am your doctor. 344 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:25,908 An unthinking machine. 345 00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:28,176 I can't come up with a reason not to. 346 00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:30,549 Unfortunately. 347 00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:34,593 We doing this or what? 348 00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,061 I'm... I'm trying to get in the mood. 349 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,829 What was it with all the pretzels again? 350 00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:39,488 I'll explain it again. Oh, God. 351 00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:41,286 I want to pack your nostrils with pretzels 352 00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:42,898 'cause you ain't gonna need those. Then... 353 00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:45,070 Oh, God. (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 354 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,568 If we're doing this, let's do it. 355 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,640 I am ready. 356 00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:51,809 I thought you might need a visual. 357 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,514 May your aim be true, brave soldier. 358 00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:57,613 (GROANS) 359 00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:58,984 RANGER: Come on. You can do this, Ranger. 360 00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:01,852 You rubbed one out in a fox hole surrounded by wounded men. 361 00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:03,052 You can do this! (ZIP OPENS) 362 00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:04,780 (GRUNTING) 363 00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:05,988 Ha-ha! (GRUNTS) 364 00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:07,716 (LAUGHS) 365 00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:09,724 Your powers were impressive once, Rex, 366 00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:12,756 but technology is nipping at your heels. 367 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:13,862 (GROANS) 368 00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:17,004 Say hello to my diamond-woven nano-net. 369 00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:20,400 I'm sure you'll find yourself quite helpless. 370 00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:21,973 Son of a bitch! 371 00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:24,972 Those things cost $300,000! 372 00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:27,975 You couldn't have just gently stepped out of it? Ah! 373 00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,738 I always said you weren't cut out for this, Whiff. 374 00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:31,807 Now, open wide. 375 00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:32,905 (WHIMPERING) 376 00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:34,916 Dad, stop. What? But I... 377 00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:36,518 I've made my decision. 378 00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,889 I want to be a part of a team that's gonna lift me up, 379 00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:40,119 not hold me back. 380 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:41,863 Lex, don't do this. 381 00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:44,789 I just need some time to get comfortable with the idea. 382 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,734 Several weeks you've been sitting on this. 383 00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:50,099 Oh, come on. I just found out I have a daughter. 384 00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:52,870 It's hard for me to imagine sending you into combat. 385 00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,570 Well, you won't have to, Dad. 386 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:55,741 I'm going with Whiff. 387 00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:57,338 Are these the team tryouts? 388 00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:58,440 Ugh! Leave! 389 00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,011 Some kind of waitlist I can jump on? 390 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,440 Go! I've been training. 391 00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:03,414 Don't care! Lex, can I be on the team? 392 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,813 Not my decision. Rex, any strings you could pull? 393 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,205 What? Whiff, going once... 394 00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:08,447 Why? ...going twice... 395 00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:10,021 Fuck off. Ready to go? 396 00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,750 Yep. Oh, not me? 397 00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:14,454 Screw that guy. The League of Freedom's where it's at. 398 00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:15,887 I'm still a member, right? 399 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,260 Yeah, I'm still a member. 400 00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:25,829 Whiff Worldwide is proud to announce 401 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:29,165 the date of an exciting announcement. 402 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,772 Tomorrow, we will live stream the details 403 00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:34,514 of a new direction for Whiff Worldwide. 404 00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:37,011 REPORTER 1: Does this have anything to do with your superhero patents? 405 00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,514 REPORTER 2: Is Lex Lightning involved? 406 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:43,045 Uh, I think fans of Lex will want to tune in to the live stream, yes. 407 00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:44,993 (CHUCKLES) But that's all I can say. 408 00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:46,248 REPORTER 3: Over here, over here! 409 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,456 Well, I hope she's happy. 410 00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:51,818 You do? I hope she's miserable with that butt baby Whiff! 411 00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:54,558 We both have to respect her decision. 412 00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:56,264 He is a butt baby though, right? 413 00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:57,396 Totally! 414 00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:58,870 Well, I guess if you love something, 415 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,128 you just have to let it go and see if you... 416 00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:02,568 Are you wearing jorts? 417 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:05,614 Uh, that a problem? 418 00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:07,366 All done. 419 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,007 I will freeze this sample until you and Gloria decide what you... 420 00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:11,183 What... Ranger. 421 00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:13,051 What have I done? 422 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:14,580 Excuse me? 423 00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:18,424 A symbol of America just cranking it into a jar 424 00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,321 in the name of science. 425 00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:21,823 Welcome to the future. 426 00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:23,824 And goodbye to my soul. 427 00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:25,156 Wait, after what we shared, I... 428 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:28,102 Shared? I don't know what you think happened in here, Jewbot. 429 00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:31,398 Ranger, I am your friend... Technology is your friend. 430 00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,671 Friend? What? My friend? 431 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:36,370 Technology dropped bombs on me in the war, 432 00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:39,043 trapped me in a time tunnel for 70 years, 433 00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,972 and not 15 minutes ago, 434 00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:44,808 technology eye-fucked me while I wrapped off a batch. 435 00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:49,984 Frankly, I wish technology had never been invented! 436 00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:51,917 (SCREAMING) Ow! 437 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,891 (GROANING) 438 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,260 Ranger, your appendix is about to burst. 439 00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,689 A simple surgery would keep you from dying, 440 00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,925 but since you do not believe in technology, 441 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,460 I will gather the leeches. 442 00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:05,595 This seems awfully goddamn convenient, Jewbot. 443 00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:06,932 Yeah, well, regardless. (GRUMBLING) 444 00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,940 Honey, I don't think you're getting on the team. 445 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:16,382 Ivan sort of thinks you're an idiot and hates you. 446 00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:18,009 That's not why I'm here. 447 00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:20,805 I just wanted you to know that I've had a hard time with you being gone. 448 00:16:20,847 --> 00:16:22,577 I... I miss you, too. 449 00:16:22,615 --> 00:16:24,815 I've had to pleasure myself quite a bit. 450 00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:26,521 I've been gone for two hours. 451 00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:28,623 I was thinking of you. 452 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:30,315 I mean, you were in the rotation. 453 00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:32,727 Son of a bitch! 454 00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,129 (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 455 00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:37,131 Agony. What's he doing here? 456 00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:38,634 I've got to thank you, Agony. 457 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,895 If you hadn't kept Lex off the League, 458 00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:43,443 I never could have lured her to my team. 459 00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:45,070 And with the public on her side, 460 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:49,175 you'll snag Rex's contract next term, and that'll be it. 461 00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:51,479 The end of the League of Freedom! 462 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,181 O.M. God! 463 00:16:53,213 --> 00:16:56,783 To the new age of the privatized superhero team. 464 00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:58,316 Pfft, I'll drink to anything. 465 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,849 So, what are we thinking? Strip club? 466 00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:04,317 The forecast for Spearmint Rhino is 100% rain. 467 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,127 You know what I'm saying? Unless that pizza's here. 468 00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:08,259 Oh, dude, don't ask. 469 00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:11,725 Well, hell, Brad, if we can't phone-bone, 470 00:17:11,764 --> 00:17:14,374 I mean, how do we make this work? 471 00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:15,941 I don't know. 472 00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:19,338 If we stay together, you could kill me. 473 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,712 Well, what can we do? 474 00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:26,345 Die, I guess. 475 00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:28,283 (GRUNTS) 476 00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:30,015 You called it from the beginning. 477 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,679 I can't kick the Cooch. 478 00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:32,948 I love you. 479 00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:34,885 Cool! I'll get the pretzels! 480 00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,161 No pretzels! 481 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,200 I got to get around to taking some photos. 482 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:44,299 Well, well, well. 483 00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:47,201 Look who's taking a trip down memory lane. 484 00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:49,504 What the hell are you doing here, Agony? 485 00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:50,736 Thought you might want to watch 486 00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:52,510 a little streaming content. 487 00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:55,009 Uh, it's entitled The End of the League. 488 00:17:57,977 --> 00:18:00,107 Settle, settle, settle, please. 489 00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,307 Welcome. 490 00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:03,848 I'm excited you're all here to help me usher in 491 00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:06,023 the future of super heroics. 492 00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:08,022 You're not thinking of going out there, are you, Lex? 493 00:18:08,054 --> 00:18:09,894 If that butt baby launches his super team, 494 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,492 it's bye-bye, League of Freedom. 495 00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:13,694 The League of Freedom, 496 00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:18,866 a once-glorious institution plagued with decrepitude and mismanagement. 497 00:18:18,898 --> 00:18:20,928 I wrote that line. Pretty proud of it. 498 00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:23,997 But what if I told you there was another way? 499 00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:27,466 A super team based on efficiency and technology? 500 00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,707 A super team anchored by someone 501 00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:33,352 who actually knows how to get things done? 502 00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:37,080 And for once, I'm not talking about myself. 503 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,746 (GRUNTING) 504 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:43,315 Let me introduce you to the first member of Team Whiff. 505 00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:44,886 Black Saturn? 506 00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:47,034 Did you just make me a member of your team? 507 00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:49,829 No! Fine, then get ready for an ass-kicking. 508 00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:51,402 Oh, dear God. 509 00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:53,001 (GRUNTS) 510 00:18:53,032 --> 00:18:54,372 Do you understand that? 511 00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:55,901 (MUMBLES) Sorry. 512 00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:57,395 There must've been a ring in my ear. 513 00:18:57,437 --> 00:19:00,007 Oh, that was terrible. Let's do this. 514 00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:01,209 Ah! 515 00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:04,311 Wait! (LAUGHS) Good idea, Lex. 516 00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:05,414 You end him. 517 00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:06,852 Lex? 518 00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,445 (GRUNTS) (GROANS) 519 00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:14,188 Uh, check, testing. 520 00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,591 Thank you all for coming. 521 00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:17,762 I'd like to make an announcement of my own. 522 00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:19,830 The League of Freedom is my family, 523 00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:22,399 and I will be remaining with them... 524 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,926 As an intern. Yes! 525 00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:28,295 (GRUNTS) I will show myself out. 526 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:29,795 Where are you going, Agony? 527 00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:31,596 I was watching that. 528 00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:33,608 Aren't you gonna say goodbye... Ah! (ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING) 529 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:36,240 Jewbot, for the love of God, quit this shit. 530 00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:41,205 Lex, you saved the League. 531 00:19:41,248 --> 00:19:42,848 Keep your metal hands off of 532 00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:45,082 my warm-blooded organs, you demon! 533 00:19:45,117 --> 00:19:46,817 It would be so easy. 534 00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:48,893 A few extra drops of morphine and... 535 00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:51,361 Oh, hello. I saved Ranger. 536 00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:52,661 Ranger, buddy, get up. 537 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,992 Oh, wha... Huh? I'm alive? 538 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:58,527 Oh, thank you, blue-eyed patriarchal God. 539 00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:01,465 Perhaps science had something to do with it? 540 00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:03,371 Jewbot, I owe you an apology. 541 00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:04,773 Whether you have blood or motor oil 542 00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:05,974 running through your veins, 543 00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:07,335 a friend's a friend. 544 00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:08,884 I'll always remember this. 545 00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:11,178 Okay, can you explain why my penis looks like chewed up hamburger? 546 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,410 Perhaps your three-hour masturbation session? 547 00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:15,476 You know, my above-average dong is red, too, 548 00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:17,315 and I've been rubbing them out left and right. 549 00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:20,590 Ah! I'm itching inside and out. I'm dying! 550 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,360 Well, it appears in her thriftiness, 551 00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:25,119 Marjorie acquired a new lotion from Big Lots. 552 00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:28,057 "Contains peanut, mango and shrimp." 553 00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:30,034 That's every allergen in the book. 554 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,502 I've been rubbing that stuff all over my body. 555 00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:33,972 So you ain't allergic to me. 556 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,340 Ooh! Let's bone! 557 00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:38,169 Everyone done? Good. 558 00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:40,074 'Cause I have something to say to my daughter. 559 00:20:40,106 --> 00:20:42,576 Now, Lex, I know I have been overprotective, 560 00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:44,309 but if you're still willing, 561 00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:46,914 I'd like to offer you a position on this team. 562 00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:49,477 Is everyone cool with this? 563 00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:52,386 Hell no. I made a snap decision about you, 564 00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:53,649 and I stand by it. 565 00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:57,316 Okay. All right, is everyone except Cooch cool with this? 566 00:21:02,529 --> 00:21:05,799 Lex, one DNA-synced League membership card. 567 00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:07,702 (GASPS) I didn't think this day would ever come. 568 00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:10,104 Yeah. That must've been a hard four weeks. 569 00:21:10,136 --> 00:21:12,966 There is one anomaly in your DNA I'd like to go over. 570 00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:17,135 Some of your peptide chains appear to be insectoid in... What is that? 571 00:21:17,176 --> 00:21:20,106 Oh, nuclear command codes I stole from Whiff. 572 00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:21,506 What would you do with those? 573 00:21:21,548 --> 00:21:22,878 Oh. (CHUCKLES) 574 00:21:22,915 --> 00:21:25,015 Silly, they're not for me. 575 00:21:25,051 --> 00:21:27,491 (BOTH GRUNTING) 576 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,690 (LAUGHS) 577 00:21:29,722 --> 00:21:31,462 They're for Dr. Devizo. 578 00:21:32,959 --> 00:21:34,929 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 41782

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