All language subtitles for ReElected.2021.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-EVO

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Happy
Fourth of July

to everybody out in the
beautiful US of A tonight.

How about some tunes
for those barbecues?

All right.

Oh yeah, I'm having the
best Fourth of July ever.

Driving through these
dark ass woods all alone.

It's cool, it's
fine, it's great.

Fucking kill me.

No fucking way.

No fucking way.

Shit.

I didn't think I'd
be able to hear

fireworks from all
the way out here.

Fucking bullshit.

Look, whoever's out there,
this isn't funny, okay?

I'm lost and out of my element
and I get scared easily.

I'm trying to find my friends,

my friends that are Navy SEALs.

They have trained experience

with kahrv magah or
however the fuck you say it

and they're expecting me,

so don't try any shit.

'Cause they're gonna find me.

Pull it together, Jennifer.

No!

No, no, no FUCK

No, no, no, no, oh my god! FUCK!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

The party.

Everyone's waiting.

I don't think I'm gonna make it

to the party.

Here's another
classic American jam for you.

Happy Fourth of
July, mother fuckers.

Too Cold.

Marcus, it's
too cold in here.

Okay,
it's cold in here

but it's like 100
degrees outside.

Would you guys rather freeze
to death or burn to death?

If I say burn to death,
will you turn the AC down?

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Whoa, shoot, I think
the car's stuck.

Okay, can we at least
get some fresh air?

I already feel
the sweat coming on.

- Ooh.
- Get away from me.

All right, I should
probably go check the tire.

Oh my gosh, did you see
this photo Nate just posted?

Yeah, "Guns out, fun's out."

He's such an idiot.

Hey, come on now,
he's your brother.

Half-brother,
he's your boyfriend.

I thought you were doing better?

Yeah, I mean it's
not bad, it's just not-

- Great, I think the tires
are stuck on both sides.

Let me check the tail light.

The tail light?

Look, I shouldn't
have said anything.

Nate promised me that he
was gonna behave tonight.

So we're just gonna have fun.

Right Angela, fun?

Look at the comments
on Nate's picture.

People are even stupider than-

- I thought we agreed
no phones on this trip?

- No, we didn't.
- No.

- We didn't?
- No.

Oh god, well then who did
I make that agreement with?

I don't know.

That's weird.

Okay anyways, listen,

let me check under the car.

Okay, so what's the plan?

A couple of drinks
or college drunk?

Ooh, college drunk.

All right.

All right.

All right chitters,
enough chatting or whatever.

Let's give this thing a shot.

I'm gonna go ahead and
step on the gas here.

Angela, you use your
little hand and go

from blue to red on the AC
thing there or whatever.

Mary-

- Okay, why don't I just get out

and push while you rev the gas?

I hadn't thought of that.

See, that's why they
pay you the big bucks.

I know.

Up, up and away.

Down, down, down, shit.

Putting all the
meats, all the meats

into the freezer for my friends.

Good job, Nate.

Ow, damn, that smarts.

Well now,

this party just went
from 10 to 1776.

Spooky.

Marcus.

This place is a lot
creepier than I remember.

What's so creepy
about it out here?

Is it the fact that
we're two miles

away from the closest neighbor?

Or what about the fact
that the only road

in and out is a winding
gravelly nightmare?

Or is it that
redneck gas station

attendant that told us
not to come out here?

- Or is it the-
- Hey, uh, Marcus?

Why do you have a small arsenal
in the back of your car?

Oh, Nate wanted me to
bring some fireworks.

Aren't fireworks
illegal out here?

Yeah, because they're
super dangerous.

Yeah.

Illegal, dangerous.

What about dope as fuck?

Okay, fine.

I'll only bring the ones with
labels written in English.

Buzzkill.

Hello?

Yo.

One if by land, two if by sea.

You fuckers are here
to party with me.

I didn't even hear
you guys come in.

You could be getting
murdered up here,

I'd never know the difference.

I guess it's
good that we weren't then.

Babe.

Stop, stop, stop,
the sun's still up.

Hey listen, so I brought
that sexy Uncle Sam costume.

Oh my god, seriously,
you brought that with you?

What? It's
gonna be so hot.

You're gonna be hot,
babe, you are so hot.

Oh my god, stop
it, you're being gross.

I'm not doing that shit while
Ange and everybody are here.

Oh come on,
it's the Fourth of July.

It only comes around once
a year, please, please?

- No.
- I want you.

We're not doing the sexy
Uncle Sam again, okay?

- It's weird that you like that.
- Hey Nate.

Hey Nate, you have any where
I can plug in my air purifier?

I have allergies, you know.

Yeah bro, plug it into
that power strip over there.

- All right.
- Yeah.

Knucks.

Careful of the beer.

Hey Mary, you want to give
me a hand outside real quick?

Yeah, sure.

Nate, I understand what
you've done with the place.

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks, thanks.

Yeah.

- Red, white.
- Blue.

- Blue.
- Yeah, it's fitting.

Yeah, I thought
so, I thought so.

Hey, I got the food
for you, by the way.

I tried to get the stuff that
your mom used to make for us.

Yeah, it's
an honest effort.

Well hey, thanks
for coming back.

Yeah, of course.

No, I wouldn't want to miss it.

Cool, good.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And thank you too, by the way.

Oh, for what?

For thanking me.

- Right.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, don't mention it.
- Cool.

Hey Nate, what happened
to all your tires?

- They're like shredded.
- Oh yeah.

That winding gravelly nightmare
road really tore 'em up.

It's definitely worse
since last time.

How are you gonna get home?

That sounds like a
problem for future Nate.

That's right,
oh, coming in hot.

- Look at that, it's a snail.
- That's cool.

You pussies gotta catch up.

Hey babe, did you invite
that girl, what's her nuts?

Juanita, Jamilla?

Jennifer?

Arguably the most
common name in America.

She picked up a shift at work.

She'll be here
after she gets off.

Oh, that's awesome, I didn't
think she was gonna make it.

Oh fuck yes,
Jennifer's the best.

I know, right?
She's hilarious.

That bit that she does when

she acts like a cowboy and
she's like "Yippie-ki-yay!"

"I've got a boot in
my snake," or whatever.

Yeah, oh Jennifer.

She's always the
life of the party.

Yeah.

Hey Nate, what
kind of beer is this?

This is American Bohemian,

the official beer of patriotism.

That's weird, the first
ingredient listed is Americana.

I mean, I guess that's more

of an idea than a
tangible ingredient.

Oh yeah, well you're
just mad because it's not

your bullshit pretentious
hipster single malt home-brewed

hamster-picked apple ginger
kombucha buttplug NPR beer.

Okay guys, we're here to have

a good time just
like we used to.

Yeah, a good time.

Remember Spring
Break four years ago?

- Mm hmm.
- Yeah,

and Summer Break four years ago.

And Winter Break
four years ago.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- And then-
- All right, yeah, we get it.

We had a good time
four years ago.

Yeah, I just,

I just want to have
a good time, woo.

Oh yeah, that's the spirit.

Well, Evan is
gonna be here soon.

Shut up, Evan's coming?

He didn't respond
to my text-vitation.

Well, he texted me.

What?

I guess you guys
just drifted apart.

Yeah, drifted apart? Bullshit.

Beta Beta Betas never drift
apart from your Beta bro

'cause Beta bros have
the best bonds, baby.

Babe, why don't you help me
take my bags upstairs, okay?

Yeah okay, sure.

Yeah.

Oh Nate,
those are my bags.

I'm trying, okay?

You saw me trying, right?

Ah.

Let me get you a towel, Jesus.

Why?

Ooh.

Oh yeah.

It's party time.

I just think that if every
other country in the world

was a person, that America
would be this jacked up cage

fighter who can kick any other
country's ass in a fight.

Listen Nate, I
appreciate your insight.

I really do but have you
taken into consideration

the countries who've existed
far longer than the US?

You don't really have to.

I'm talking about the
countries who've experienced

worse hardships because
arguably those countries would

be more hardened and thus,
more powerful in a fight.

Just throw the damn ball.

All right.

Over here, Ange.

Celeb shot.

Oh yeah.

Bullshit, that doesn't count.

That's what I'm talking about.

Nah, bullshit, bullshit,
that doesn't count.

Hey.

Hello there.

Bonjour.

Salaam.

Mary, Mary, Marky Mark.

- Evan.
- What's up, guys?

I'm so much stronger now.

Yeah.

Jeez, what's up with that?

Hey, what's up Ev?

Hey Nate, it's
good so see you, man.

- Yep.
- Come here, dude.

Beta bros.

Yeah come on, Beta bros.

- I'm not gonna do it.
- Do it, Beta bros!

Come on dude, Beta bros

or bust.

- Yeah, dude.
- That was fun times, man.

For sure.

Well hey, I'll get you a beer.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Thank you.

Where's Jennifer?

Oh, she's coming in a couple
hours, she picked up a shift.

Oh good, I can't
wait to see her.

I mean, no offense to you guys.

She's kinda the
life of the party.

Oh man, I couldn't
agree with you more, Evan.

Definitely.

We suck compared to Jennifer.

What's that bit
she always does?

- Oh, like the cowboy?
- Cowboy, yeah, yeah.

"Yippee-ki-yai."

"Ooh, get a dog, girl"

"Ooh, I've got a boot
in my snake" or whatever.

- What's that?
- What?

There, right behind your ear?

What?

What?

Yes.

Now, let's party
like it's 1776!

Let's do it.

Hey Ange, remember when I said

we should get college drunk?

Vaguely.

Do you two know how many times

I could have busted you
for drinking in your dorm?

Oh what? Yeah right.

Like you would have busted us.

You were drunker than
we were half the time.

Yeah, and you thought
we were too cute to bust.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

- Oh yeah?
- Yes.

- Yeah, is that what it is?
- Stop, I'm so ticklish.

Whatever you say,
you fucking lamppost.

I'm so ticklish, stop.

Stop.

Okay, you pussies
ready for a drinking game?

I see you two, let's go.

♪ Drinking game, drinking game ♪

Yep.

Hey,

Nate,

why don't we take it a
little easy on the drinking?

Come on Evan, you used
to love binge drinking?

Why don't you come sit down
and drink some water with me?

Here we go.

Oh I'm sorry
Ange, what was that?

Listen, man.

Pardon me Evan,

I'm just having a conversation
with my sister real quick.

All right, half-sister.

Look, I'm just saying,

I think you had a
little too much tonight.

Look, you will tell me

when I've had too much.

I just did.

Wait a minute.

Come on, man, we all want
to have a good Fourth but

we don't have to give ourselves
fucking alcohol poisoning.

Shut up.

Don't tell me how to
celebrate America's birthday.

I am a patriot.

You didn't even vote
in the last election.

Okay, I forgot
when the election was.

You had an election day party.

That's highly unlikely.

You made up a hashtag for it.

"Hashtag Nate Harmon's
election day party BYOB

show up at 4:00 one
guest only please."

Okay Nate, I just
think you're being-

- What, oh, you think?

That seems to be the only
thing you can do, Angela.

You kinda just think.

Do you think that our
forefathers thought

whenever they were
founding our great country?

What? Yeah,
I think they did.

Oh, wrong.

George Washington
didn't think whenever

he had to fight off the
British and Abe Lincoln

didn't think whenever he
had to fight the South

and Andrew Jackson didn't
think whenever he had to fight

to be on the $20 bill.

Bro, do you even know
who Andrew Jackson was?

Nate, will you
just listen to me?

You're being insane right now.

Angela, can you just
meet me in the middle?

God, you've been shitting on
me ever since you got here.

First it's the beer, then
it's the dirt on the walls.

Then it's "Oh no Nate,
I fell in the toilet.

Can you please keep
the seat down?"

Okay, well this
is my cabin too.

Oh, this land is your land?

No, this land is my
land and I really think

you're kinda ruining
everybody's good time.

I'm ruining
everyone's good time?

You're so unpredictable,
we're all on babysitting duty

making sure you don't
blow your foot off

with a firework or
drink yourself blind.

Angela, you know how
important this day is.

Oh, how important this
day is to little Nathan.

Yeah, I know, we
all fucking know.

It's so important
because you get

to show everyone out
patriotic you are.

Okay.

All right.

You're right, you're right.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I have
a deeper understanding

of this great country
of ours than you do.

You know what, and I'm sorry
that I love America so much.

You don't love
America, you jackass.

You just love being
American because

you think it makes you
better than everyone else.

Wow, that's just really
good Ange, really good.

I think you probably
just figured me out, huh?

Yeah and you
know, dad would be

really disappointed in how
you're acting right now.

Did I win?

Whoa, I didn't
think we'd be able

to hear fireworks from
all the way out here.

Nathan, you did not
go through dad's stuff.

"We hold these truths
to be self-evident,

that all men are created equal.

That they are endowed
by their Creator

with certain unalienable rights,
that among those are life,

liberty and the
pursuit of happiness."

Okay, cool, are
you really gonna

sit here and read me the
fucking US Constitution?

Ha, nope, it's the
Declaration of Independence.

Mark one point for Nathan.

- Okay, you know what I meant.
- Oh, did I?

Did I know what you meant?

Damn, this thing's pretty long.

Uh-huh, here we go.

"We therefore, the
Representatives of the

United States of America in
General Congress assembled,

appealing to the Supreme
Judge of the world

for the rectitude of our
intentions, do in the name and by

authority of the good people
of these colonies solemnly

publish and declare for the
support of this Declaration

and a firm reliance on the
protection of divine Providence.

We mutually pledge to
each other our lives,

our fortunes and
our sacred honor."

Right there, right
fucking there,

George fucking
Washington signed it.

That's not George Washington.

That's John Hancock, dumbass.

Oh look, there's
George himself.

There, now he fucking did.

Get the fuck away from me.

What in the United States
of fuck is your problem?

Oh my god Ange, are you okay?

Oh my god Ange, are you okay?

Are you okay, are you all right?

I hate you, I
wish you were dead.

Hey Angela, this
beer wasn't cheap.

Yes it was.

Here, how much was it?

Five bucks, huh,
was it five bucks?

Is this is what you want?

Here.

Yeah.

You know, actually, oh look,

it's your good buddy,
Andrew Jackson.

I don't need this.

What I need is an ice
cold American margarita.

Okay.

Jesus Christ.

What the fuck was that?

I thought you said you
were gonna behave tonight?

What was un-behaving
about what I did?

You owe your
sister an apology.

Half-sister and I
don't owe her anything.

I can do what I want,
it's a free countr...

If you say it's a free
country, I swear to God,

I'm breaking up with you
and hooking up with Marcus.

Apologize to her and then go
get the fucking power back on.

Babe, the breaker is
all the way downstairs

and Angela is all
the way upstairs.

What can I do for
you on this floor?

In the dark while I'm
still pissed off, nothing.

You guys are such-

- If you say pussies,
I swear to God,

I'm breaking up with
you and fucking Marcus.

Calm down, you talking tree.

Let's go, guess this is
a job for present Nate.

We'll be back, so
try not to take

Angela's side over
mine while we're gone.

Nate, you're really making me-

- Oh, I'm so
sorry, I can't hear you.

I'm already in the basement.

- So are we gonna have some-
- Marcus, no.

Jesus, is it tomorrow yet?

What the fuck
is all this shit?

He couldn't put it
in his own room?

I can't believe he did
that in front of you guys.

He's such a fucking dick.

Yeah, I know, you're right.

And I know Nate, I
know he's gonna try

to get back at me for ruining
his pathetic little night

and Mary and Marcus
didn't say shit.

They never defend me because
he's the fun party guy.

- Well, it's not funny anymore.
- Ange, Ange.

- We're not 20.
- Ange.

He hung a fucking
American flag in my room.

Here, let me give
you a shoulder massage,

kinda my trademark.

Evan, I'm not really
in the mood for,

it's your trademark?

I'm known far and
wide for my massages.

Oh Evan.

I don't think this is
good timing, you know?

Because I just was
fighting with Nate and-

- Come on, think about
how pissed Nate would be.

Yeah, that would really piss-

- Pisses me off, the
fact that she actually

thinks she's so
much smarter than me

when spoiler alert,
she's actually not.

Really?

Hey, but didn't she graduate
like something cum latte.

Look, any asshole
can make good grades

but I've got smarts
where it counts, ow.

Hey, I know what
you mean, gamer.

You see, people think I'm
dumb 'cause I'm blond but,

well actually I'm dirty blond,
so joke's on them, right?

Exactly, you know, people
underestimate us, Marcus.

But I bet a zombie
apocalypse scenario,

I'd be the one that survives.

- Ooh, beaker box.
- I don't know.

You see, I think Evan
would make it pretty far.

Oh god, my allergies.

What the hell?

Hello Jennifer, hey.

I haven't heard from you yet
and it's kinda freaking me out.

So could you just please give me

a call back when you get this?

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Nate, can you just
please hurry up?

I don't like being in the dark.

Come on, Jennifer.

Oh, thank God.

Jennifer, Jesus, you scared
me, I didn't even hear you.

Jen?

Holy fucking-

- Shit.

Oh my-

- God.

What the-

- Fuck, I'm sorry,
they're making a lot of noise downstairs.

Is it okay if I?

Yeah, hey, let
me play some music.

- Can I use your phone?
- Yeah.

- It's a little loud.
- I know, sexy right?

Oh yeah, ahh

AHHHHH

Choo!

- You okay, bro?
- Yeah.

I have allergies.

Is that Mary screaming up there?

Yeah, she probably just
wants to get a rise out of me.

It's gonna take a lot of

Sexy Uncle Sam for me
to forgive you, babe.

Hey, can you swing that
flashlight over here?

Yeah.

♪ Bum ba da da da ♪

♪ Bum ba da da da ♪

♪ Bum ba da ♪

I think we should
do something.

Fine but if she's
fucking with us,

you're sleeping outside.

- Oh boy, camping.
- No, no, no.

All right Mary,
you've made your point.

No, no.

Get down.

What's going on, man?

Who is that guy?

Holy shit, that's
George Washington.

Holy shit, that's
George Washington.

That's not George
Washington, man.

That's probably just
some drunk homeless guy

who stumbled in here wearing
George Washington's costume

and started violently attacking
your girlfriend with an ax.

I'm not worried about it.

I've seen her kick bigger
ass-clown's asses than this clown.

Yep, I told you.

He's even wearing zombie makeup.

This guy's clearly
trying to fuck with us.

What a total loser.

Holy George Washington's ghost,

it's George Washington's zombie.

It looks like his corpse
has been like reanimated.

No, he's been

re-elected.

Nate, you should do something.

What am I supposed to do?

He's the first President of
the United States of America.

He's not the President,
man, he's a monster.

He's gonna hurt Mary.

You know, I'm gonna
bow out of this one.

- Leave it to you, good buddy
- Oh no.

I actually haven't
had much to eat today.

My blood sugar's real low.

You had 15 empanadas earlier.

That's bad sugar,
I need good sugar.

Like Splenda or something?

No, Splenda's actually a lot

worse for you than
regular sugar.

- You don't say?
- Oh no, I do, you see...

Goddammit, fuck.

Stupid ass fucking woods.

Fuck.

Shit.

Dammit.

Fuck.

Shit.

Oh my god.

Fuck. Goddammit.

Did she get it?

How the fuck am
I supposed to know?

I was back here hiding with
you, fucking human windmill.

Oh right, hey,
I have feelings.

Oh.

Hey, I'm sorry man.

It's all right, man.

Oh man.

She destroyed a
whole case of beer.

That's 11 bucks down the drain.

It's okay, I stashed a few
house beers around just in case.

Jesus Mary, what happened?

- Are you okay?
- Did you kill the zombie?

Was it epic?

Trash can.

Oh no, no, Marcus.

Here, here.

Hey babe, why
don't you lie down?

What's going on?

Mary, are you okay?

George Washington
was just here.

No, I wasn't talking to you.

Mary, oh my god, what
did you guys do to her?

She just fought a zombie.

All right, you've
all had your fun.

Can you just please
turn the lights back on

so we can try and enjoy
the rest of our night?

Seriously, zombie George
Washington was just here.

Yeah, Mary chased
him off into the woods.

- It was kind of scary.
- It was gross.

- It was pretty cool too.
- Yeah, Mary and the zombie.

Yeah, she's a real badass.

Oh my god, shut
the fuck up, okay?

What, so you're
trying to tell me that

the corpse of the first
President of the United States

came back to life,
dragged itself out

of the ground and then
broke into our cabin?

Right.

And then Mary fought it
and chased it into the woods?

Correct.

And so the zombie is
supposed to be some sort

of lesson about what it
means to truly be a patriot?

I mean, it wouldn't be
the worst thing to happen.

Shut the fuck up,
okay? It's not funny.

God, Mary, you're so
much better than this.

Why are you playing along?

We were attacked.

I know that sounds crazy
but that thing wasn't human.

Whoever attacked
you was probably

homeless or on drugs,
sick or something, okay?

There has to be some sort
of rational explanation.

What's irrational
about zombies?

We gotta go somewhere
when we die.

We're not talking
about zombies.

Well, I'm talking
about zombies.

Yeah, he's been talking
about zombies all night.

That's what I'm saying,
you're just being paranoid.

We were attacked.

So let's call the cops.

Cops can't do anything
about that monster.

Ange, it killed Jennifer, I saw

her body.

Oh my god, her body,
where's her body?

Mar,

I'm sure she's okay, okay?

You're just shaken
up, it's okay.

How about this?

We'll go outside and look for
the creep that attacked you.

You guys stay back
and call the police.

There's a bunch of us
and what, one old dude?

I think
that's a great idea.

Cool, Angela and I
will go into the woods.

You guys stay back
and wait for the cops.

Whoa, whoa, whoa
there, lover boy.

Are you trying to say that I
can't protect my baby sister

and my crying girlfriend
and my tall buddy, Marcus?

No, I'm not
saying that at all.

But I'm definitely thinking
it now, so thank you.

I could protect everyone in
circles around you, jerk-off.

Marcus, you take care of Mary.

Yeah, I think splitting up
is definitely the way to go.

No wait, guys, guys,
please don't leave me.

No Mar, we won't
leave you, don't worry.

Don't worry babe,
I'll never leave you

- aside from right now.
- What?

But I will be
here the whole time.

Pretend I'm this eagle
protecting America

and pretend you're
America in this scenario.

What?

Let's go impeach
that mother fucker.

What?

Impeach.

You know, like kick his ass but

he's the first President of
the United States, so impeach.

I thought it sounded
kinda badass.

It didn't.

It kinda did.

No, you can't
just add the word

mother fucker to things and
expect it to sound badass.

Shut up.

Let's go into those woods.

Let's get out of these woods.

Oh no, Nate's scared,
we better turn around.

I'm not scared.

Yes you are.

Why is that so hard
for you to admit?

Ang, I'm starting to
think we should head back.

See, Evan's scared too.

Yeah, but I haven't been
crying for the last half hour.

I was not crying.

I told you I think there are
onions growing in these woods.

Shh, I think I
heard something.

Yeah, I'm sure you did,
we're in the fucking woods.

Yo, Ange.

No, you know what?

We've been pointing
our flashlights

at trees for the last hour.

You got me, okay?

I know that this is some
sort of elaborate joke,

kind of like the
Electoral College.

Come on, I thought
you'd like that one.

What is it?

Zombie.

And let me guess, this
one's Abraham Lincoln, right?

Beard, top hat and all?

And he's coming up
right behind me.

He has a knife or
an ax or something

and he's gonna say
something really stupid

and obvious like "Four
score and seven years ago."

Four

score.

Oh my god.

No way.

Four

score.

No way, that's
Abraham Lincoln.

And that's...

I don't know who that is.

- That's Andrew Jackson.
- Who?

- The guy on the 20.
- Oh, I love him.

This doesn't make any sense.

It all has a logic to it

if you just

understand.

Four score,

four score,

four score,

four score.

What are you doing?

Sorry bro, catch up.

Mr. President, sir,
let's settle this

in a sophisticated,
dignified, patriotic manner?

Now Andy, Andy,
that wasn't cool.

Come on, you were always
my favorite President.

President?

Right.

The leader of the free
world, Commander-in-Chief.

Mm-mm-

Mander Chief?

Exactly.

Hello Nathaniel, yes it's me,

your favorite President,
Andrew Jackson,

the man that's on the $20 bill.

I need you.

Come on Andy, let's
settle this diplomatically.

We need to go back for him.

We need to go back for him now.

- We do not.
- Now, yes we do.

We need to stay
here for the night.

What the fuck
is wrong with you?

I'm trying to protect us.

- He's dead weight.
- He's my brother.

Half-brother.

You said you wished he was dead.

This isn't about me, okay?

You never liked Nate.

I'm not about to
let him get us killed.

Nate and I used to play

in this barn together
when we were little.

No, no, Angela.

We don't have time for this.

From the second I
got here tonight,

you've been saying how
much you hate Nate.

I know you feel some
sort of obligation

to him but he would
have done exactly

the same thing to us if
he had had the chance.

How can you say that?

I can say that because
I know who Nate is

and deep down, you
know who he is too.

This situation
really sucks, it does

but I can protect you,
we can survive together.

I don't need
you to protect me.

Fine, you can protect me.

Semantics, whatever.

Angela,

please trust me.

♪ Sweet ♪

Okay,

I trust you.

♪ Girl ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Angela,
it's just me, it's just me.

Chill out, chill out.

- Oh gross, is that blood?
- Evan.

- What?
- Evan.

I just watched him die.

Oh my god, oh my god,
hey, hey, come here.

- Oh my god.
- I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, I didn't
want to leave you.

No.

Hey, let's just say, uh,
don't worry about it, okay?

- Okay.
- All right?

Hey, come on, let's
get to the cabin, yeah?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Wait, what
happened to Jackson?

Let's just say we won't
have to worry about him.

I thought you said we don't
have to worry about Jackson.

I said "Lets say we wouldn't
have to worry about Jackson."

I don't know, it seemed
like the right thing to say.

Okay, what now?

I think we're lost.

You'd better be joking.

No, I really don't
know where the cabin is.

Well, it should
just be over there.

Well, it should be but,
wait, hold on one second.

Okay yeah, here we go.

So if trees grow
towards the north

and moss grows fat
on the rolling stone,

then the cabin should be...

Ow.

- Let me look at it.
- No stop, get off.

This is my replacement phone.

It's very susceptible to
being broken by rocks.

Mary.

- Let me talk to her.
- No, let me talk to her.

- She's my girlfriend.
- No, she's my best friend.

- I've known her longer.
- I've known her longer.

- Have you kissed her?
- Yes.

- What?
- What?

- Nate, are you there?
- Ow.

Ange, oh my god, are you okay?

Nate,

Ange?

Hello?

Marcus.

I think it got Nate and Ange.

What about Evan?

I tried calling but it
went straight to voicemail.

Oh Evan, that's who I made

the no phones on this
trip agreement with.

Marcus, it could just
be us out here now.

Dammit, Nate thought
he'd be the last

one alive during a zombie
apocalypse scenario.

He's gonna be so disappointed.

- Oh my god.
- Hey.

Hey, stop all that, come on.

It's gonna be okay.

- Oh my god.
- It's gonna be all right.

Hey, hey.

Marcus.

Maybe we should call the police.

Yeah right, the police,
let's call the police.

What's the number
for the police?

Seriously?

I'm just kidding, I'm
not that fucking stupid.

Oh my god.

1-800-Police...

It's 911 Marcus, 911.

Right, right.

911,
what's your emergency?

Hi, well, we, I-

- Hello, sir?

Zombies, there's zombies
here, you gotta save us.

Sir, this line
is for emergencies only.

This is an emergency.

We're at a cabin in
the woods off I-15.

Oh my god, they're
gonna get her.

Oh no, please don't get me.

Oh, they're getting her.

Oh my god,

they're dismembering her
body right in front of me.

Oh no, I don't want
to die, Marcus.

I won't let you die,
baby, it's gonna be okay.

Oh my god.

Jesus Christ, they ate her,
they just fuckin' ate her.

Sir, sir,
you do realize it's

a Federal offense to prank
call emergency services, right?

Well,

well yeah, thanks, bye.

There, they should
be here in no time.

Oh my god.

What?

- Oh my god.
- Hey, come on, take it easy.

Hey, listen, we'll
get the power back on,

get the AC blowing,
microwave us some taquitos.

Maybe get some sexy
music going on.

The AC.

Marcus,

the AC, it was
blowing in your car

and it seemed to
hurt Washington.

Maybe we'll be safe in your
car and we can make a getaway.

Yeah, great,
let's get in my car.

Wait, it died when I
was out there before.

What about Nate's car?

The tires are shredded.

What about Evan's?

I think he took
the keys with him.

Can you hot-wire it?

What do I look
like, Hotty McWire?

What?

It's fine, we'll
pop open the hood

of my car and get that
bad boy going in no time.

I've seen a car two before.

But what about Washington?

I think I've got an idea.

I want you

to stay away from us
and to not eat us.

Marcus, this is the dumbest
idea you've ever come up with.

Join the Army.

You can keep that stupid
costume, by the way.

Okay.

I think it should work.

Here, start the car.

Marcus?

Save yourself.

Remember me.

Marcus, Marcus.

As a hero, not a coward.

Dammit.

Bury me on Halloween.

I want my funeral
to be extra spooky.

Oh, Marcus.

Oh shit.

Chill out, asshole.

Not so cool,

is it?

We'll have a great
Fourth of July, he said.

It'll be fun, he said.

What the fuck.

This is what I get for
dating a white guy.

Who's next, Andrew Jackson?

What the... Angela, you
almost broke my phone.

I told you it's very susceptible
to being broken by rocks.

Oh man.

Well if you would've given
me the GPS 10 minutes ago,

then we wouldn't have
been in this situation.

Now we're even more lost

and we need to get
back to the cabin.

Okay, yes, I agree but I
don't know where the cabin is.

This is so fucking
typical, Nate.

You raise an army of the
living dead but your pride

and stupidity are still the
biggest threats to our safety.

I raised an army
of the living dead?

How sure are we that
this isn't your fault?

My fault?

This all seems like America
trying to teach you a lesson.

What lesson, don't
get killed by zombies?

That's a great lesson.

If you'd only shown this much

initiative when dad got sick.

Oh, come on.

You didn't ask for my
help, so I didn't offer it.

Well, I shouldn't have had
to ask, he was our father.

I honored him in my own way.

You got drunk and broke
into a baseball stadium.

It's what he
would have wanted.

Okay, I'm not sure what
that is but I think we should,

yeah.

Come on Nate, let's go.

Wait a sec, I had a lot of
beers and chalupas tonight.

No seriously, look, the
cabin's right there, come on.

'Mander Chief.

This is all my fault.

Now's not the
best time, Nathan.

Everyone else is dead
and it's all my fault.

You don't know that, okay?

The car's gone, maybe Mary and
Marcus went to go get help.

They'll never make it outta
here and neither will we.

I killed Mary,

I killed Marcus,

I killed us.

If you feel so fucking
bad, come and help me.

That can't be good.

Nate, come on, we gotta
get out of here, come on.

What's the use? I'm no good.

I couldn't be there for
dad when he needed me.

I couldn't protect Mary
from the killer zombies.

I can't protect you.

I don't need
you to protect me.

Right now, you need
me to protect you.

Whatever has happened between us

in the past few years,
it's behind us now, okay?

It doesn't matter.

I need you to get off your
ass and come with me, okay?

We should stick together.

Okay.

A house divided-

- Against itself cannot stand.

Yes.

Come on.

You quoted Lincoln.

I win.

Nate, run.

My compatriot.

Brother.

Please

save your strength.

Enjoy the sweet warmth of
the land of the living.

Washington

looks

human.

Hush, my friend.

Soon enough, you shall too.

Then

when we have our army,

nothing can stop us.

This land

belongs to us.

Are you ready to take it back?

Nate, your tapping your
foot is freaking me out, okay?

Help me board up a
window or something.

Angela, I want to talk
to you about something

and just a warning, it's
going to be controversial.

Everything you say
is controversial, Nate.

I don't think I can
fight off these zombies.

Yeah, I know you can't.

You're not very coordinated.

I mean I don't think I
can bring myself to do it.

What's that supposed to mean?

Look, if this were
a legion of the undead

and they were a bunch of
anonymous Joe Schmoes,

I would have no
problem killing them.

But these, they're former
Presidents of the United States.

Nate, I'm running out
of rousing speeches here.

No Ange, you don't get it.

Washington, Lincoln.

They are America.

I mean shit, Andrew
Jackson is on the $20 bill.

Is that literally
the only thing

you know about Andrew Jackson?

- I know he was a President.
- Yeah, which one?

What number?

I want to say higher than
three but less than 50.

He was the seventh and
he was a piece of shit.

You can't say that
about a President.

Have you heard of
the Trail of Tears?

That was Jackson.

No, I haven't
heard of that and it

doesn't matter what he did,
he was still the President.

Okay, enough Nate.

I'm clearly not gonna
change your mind

but we have to do something,
like get the power back on.

I'm sorry, Ange, but I
really want to stay here.

Please stay here with me.

We can sit and talk, reconnect.

Look, I was wrong.

Okay?

We don't need each
other and at this point,

I either have to leave you

or die with you.

You know why the Fourth of
July is so important to me?

'Cause that's the last time
I saw dad before he died.

It was the last time the
three of us were all together.

That's why I wanted
tonight to be so perfect.

You're all I have left, Ange.

You're my sister.

Half-sister.

What?

"From the
desk of Professor

J. Walter Harmon
to my colleagues.

Please know that if
you're reading this,

it is too late for me.

Each day, I grow weaker
and increasingly paranoid

of the possibility of my
research into the supernatural

falling into the wrong hands.

Dad.

I believe that
these documents which I have

gathered were created by
ancient evil spirits made

to look like significant
historical documents.

These papers
function as a gateway

for the evil spirits
to enter our world,

possess the dead and wreak
havoc among the living.

If any of them are recited-"

The Declaration.

"Under the right
ritualistic circumstances,

they theoretically
hold the power to raise

with soulless purpose
an army of the undead."

None of this makes any sense.

"None of this
seems to make any sense to me

as an academic, but it
all has a logic to it

if you just understand."

Well, shit.

"If anything
is to happen to me,

these documents
must be destroyed.

The evil within them is too
powerful to go unchecked.

As I feel myself succumbing
to my illness more and more,

I leave these instructions.

In the unfortunate
event that these

evil spirits should
somehow be awoken,

one must recreate
the conditions under

which they were summoned in
order to banish them forever."

Well, that was extremely
helpful and incredibly specific.

"This may be the last

correspondence I make with
the world of the living.

I just pray that the
world knows growth,

strength and tolerance and I
hope my children find peace."

Damn, thanks dad.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

"We therefore, the
Representatives of the

United States of America in
General Congress assembled."

Fuck.

Shit.

Oh fuck, beer, oh shit.

Americana, I mean it's more
of an idea than a tangible,

oh fuck, oh fuck.

Get off, get off, let go.

What do you want from me?

The documents.

♪ Oh beautiful America ♪

♪ From sea to shiny sea ♪

Get your
fucking hands off me.

Oh fuck.

Shit.

What the fuck, somebody help me!

Somebody help me,
somebody fucking help me!

Nate, help me.

Oh my god.

All right, all right.

Breathe. Breathe.

Breathe.

Okay.

They've got Angela,

that is a bummer.

It really is.

But it shows that I was right.

I was right for staying in here.

That counts for
something, right?

They're in the house.

Shit.

I have to do something.

After all,

she's my sister.

I'm coming, Ange.

It's hero time.

Let impeachment proceedings

proceed.

It's not here.

Where is it?

I told you,

those are the only
documents that I know about.

The Declaration,

where did you put it?

I don't know anything
about any Declaration.

- She lies.
- Why are you doing this?

This goes against
everything that

the Founding Fathers are
supposed to stand for.

We must destroy
the Declaration.

Then we will be unstoppable.

America is sick,

you disrespect the flag,

you disrespect each other,
you disrespect your leaders.

This land needs resurrection.

The dead shall rule
the living in a new era

of American history.

Why don't you just kill me?

We wouldn't kill you.

You and your brother
instituted the ritual.

We wouldn't be here without you.

So what, are you gonna use
us to bring back slavery?

Slavery went away?

Enough of this.

"We the people of the United-"

That's not gonna work.

Why?

Oh, because we don't
have Americana.

We

are

Americana.

"We the people of
the United States,

in order to form a
more perfect Union."

There's nothing
perfect about this Union,

mother fuckers.

I forgot to put gas in that.

No shells in that.

Nobody move, I'm
gonna be right back.

"In order to form a
more perfect Union."

Happy Independence
Day, mother...

FUCK

Go get it.

Nate, don't let him
get the Declaration.

Get fucked, Abe.

That smarts.

Stay back, stay
back, Mr. Presidents.

Bet you didn't
think you'd be able

to hear fireworks all the
way out here, mother fuckers.

Ah, hell fucking yeah, babe.

That one's for Harriet.

I believe you have
something that belongs to me.

And I believe
you have something

that belongs to the
American people.

Goddammit.

Show's over.

Ange, oh my god, you're
okay, oh my god, oh my god.

Come on, we gotta read
the Declaration again.

It's the only way to send
those zombies back to hell.

What?

None of this makes any sense.

Oh, it all has a logic to it,

if you just understand.

What?

Did somebody order a
Declaration of Independence?

Nate, you got it.

Thank me later.

- Hey babe.
- What?

Thanks for coming back for me.

Oh Nate,

I think we should
see other people.

What?

Thank you.

I was looking for this.

I cannot tell a lie.

This is gonna hurt.

Hey Washington,

Washington, look behind you.

The British are coming.

I'm not turning around.

No seriously,
there's like 50 of 'em.

Yeah, and it looks like one
of 'em's kissing your wife.

Martha?

Nate, Nate.

Sorry babe,

ex-babe,

Mary.

Yep.

Holy shit, you saw that, right?

Ew, ew, ew.

"We therefore, the
Representatives of the

United States of America in
General Congress assembled,"

- fuck.
- Nothing is happening.

Americana.

What?

This is gonna sound
so fucking stupid

but the key to all
of this is the beer.

Shit, I drank the last
two before I came out here.

Damn you, past Nate.

We just need more Americana.

"We therefore,

the Representatives
of the United States

of America in General
Congress assembled,

appealing to the Supreme Judge

of the world for the rectitude
of our intentions do in the

name and by authority of the
good people of these colonies

solemnly publish and declare
that for the support of this

Declaration with a firm
reliance on the protection

of divine Providence,
we mutually pledge-"

God damn America.

"We
mutually pledge to each other

our lives, our fortunes
and our sacred honor."

You can't kill
me, I am America.

No Mr. President, you're
not America anymore.

No, no!

Looks like we're the
ones getting re-elected,

mother fuckers.

Not gonna lie, that was
pretty fuckin' cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was.

I mean, you...

Oh my.

Did my leg come off?

Am I gonna die?

No, you're not
gonna die, it's okay.

I've never met someone
with just one leg.

Do you need two legs to live?

No, hey bud, it's
okay, don't worry.

Don't worry, I'm here for you.

- Don't worry, okay?
- Yeah?

We're kinda like
a team now, huh?

Yeah, we work
pretty well together.

I couldn't have worked
together without you.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

Hey, I'm sorry to
interrupt this family moment,

it seems really nice.

Our ambulance is stuck

on the gravelly,
winding nightmare road.

Do you think you could walk...?

Uh... yeah, we'll
get you in there.

We'll get you in
there in just a sec.

We wanted to tell you that
this ride is gonna cost

$9,283.

No, he has insurance,
so it should be covered.

According to this, it's not.

Are you fucking serious?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I
don't do well with bad news.

I don't like delivering it

but there is more bad news.

It looks like your insurance

isn't gonna cover the
reattachment of your leg.

What?

Yeah, it only covers limbs

that become missing
in the hospital.

Is that supposed to
be some kind of joke?

What kind of a fucked
up policy is that?

I mean, that's insane.

We got some good news.

We got some good news for you.

Anything, man, please.

Yeah.

They're putting on another
fireworks show tonight

and I think you're gonna
be just in time to see it.

Are you f-

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

♪ I'm feeling kinda sick ♪
here like a dog in a pit ♪

♪ My head is feeling heavier ♪
than I'd like to admit ♪

♪ So when you come around, ♪
don't be calling my name ♪

♪ I've got another bullet ♪
that has got your name on it ♪

♪ Now we're on the run ♪
taking it to the streets ♪

♪ What's it even matter ♪
if I can't even see ♪

♪ Bleeding out my eyes ♪
because you took them away ♪

♪ Don't say nothing 'cause you ♪
can't even speak, okay, go ♪

♪ walk away, walk away ♪

♪ walk away, walk away ♪

♪ It's on at dawn ♪

♪ It's on at dawn ♪

♪ We don't wanna hurt nobody, ♪
we don't wanna hurt nobody ♪

♪ We don't wanna hurt nobody, ♪
we don't wanna hurt nobody ♪

♪ We don't wanna hurt nobody, ♪
we don't wanna hurt nobody ♪