All language subtitles for Motherland s03e00 Christmas Special.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,095 --> 00:00:06,463 This story's about a wonderful night with a baby, a manger 2 00:00:06,463 --> 00:00:07,679 and a bright, shining light, 3 00:00:07,679 --> 00:00:09,343 when Mary and Joseph arrived in Nazareth 4 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,135 and Jesus, our Lord, took his first breath. 5 00:00:11,135 --> 00:00:12,927 CHILDREN SING SILENT NIGHT Where's yours? 6 00:00:12,927 --> 00:00:15,615 King Herod - in front of the Viking. 7 00:00:15,615 --> 00:00:18,883 He looks like Hugh Hefner. Yes! That's who it is. 8 00:00:18,883 --> 00:00:20,031 Ssh! 9 00:00:20,031 --> 00:00:21,643 You really smell of booze, Meg, 10 00:00:21,643 --> 00:00:23,743 you smell like the carpet at Wetherspoon's. 11 00:00:23,743 --> 00:00:26,943 I got taken out by some clients for a worky, boozy, brunchy - 12 00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:31,039 mainly boozy - booze-up brunch. I love Christmas corporates! 13 00:00:31,039 --> 00:00:35,327 Guys, please pipe down! I'm trying to watch. 14 00:00:35,327 --> 00:00:38,143 Spoiler alert, Joseph's not the father. 15 00:00:38,143 --> 00:00:40,511 BABY CRIES 16 00:00:40,511 --> 00:00:42,175 Sorry. Sorry. 17 00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:44,607 What's up with you? Early menopause? 18 00:00:44,607 --> 00:00:47,615 I promised my girls I'd wear my Christmas jumper. 19 00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:51,647 It's like a wet T-shirt competition underneath here. 20 00:00:51,647 --> 00:00:59,007 HE PLAYS SILENT NIGHT 21 00:00:59,007 --> 00:01:03,295 Goodness! He's very good, isn't he? Well, yeah. That's Mr Washbourne. 22 00:01:03,295 --> 00:01:08,803 Eh?He used to be in the band Toploader before he became a TA. 23 00:01:08,803 --> 00:01:12,895 He's got a tattoo of an eagle on his thigh. 24 00:01:12,895 --> 00:01:38,083 I follow him on Facebook. 25 00:01:38,083 --> 00:01:40,287 Wasn't that fab? 26 00:01:40,287 --> 00:01:42,783 Well done, Year 6! 27 00:01:42,783 --> 00:01:44,575 Who's up for an encore? 28 00:01:44,575 --> 00:01:46,751 Hell, yeah! Whoo! 29 00:01:46,751 --> 00:01:57,887 HE PLAYS JOY TO THE WORLD 30 00:01:57,887 --> 00:02:01,023 Manus was great, wasn't he, as Harry Potter? 31 00:02:01,023 --> 00:02:03,647 He was an orphan time-travelling schoolboy narrator, Anne. 32 00:02:03,647 --> 00:02:05,183 I don't remember that bit in the Bible. 33 00:02:05,183 --> 00:02:07,103 Mr Barrett wrote the part especially for him. 34 00:02:07,103 --> 00:02:09,087 I think there could be a future for him in acting. 35 00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:12,095 He's just got that confidence, you know. Not the annoying kind. 36 00:02:12,095 --> 00:02:15,883 Guys, guys, guys, quick Q! Has anyone heard of Mein Kraft? 37 00:02:15,883 --> 00:02:18,687 My girls are asking for it for Christmas.ALL:Yes. 38 00:02:18,687 --> 00:02:21,311 It's Minecraft, Kevin.Yeah, that's what I said, Mein Kraft. 39 00:02:21,311 --> 00:02:24,403 Minecraft, not Mein Kraft. It's not German - Hitler didn't write it. 40 00:02:24,403 --> 00:02:26,815 My Charlie's obsessed with it. I don't know why. 41 00:02:26,815 --> 00:02:29,247 It's just building stuff, it's educational. 42 00:02:29,247 --> 00:02:31,243 Charlie wants to be an architect because of it, 43 00:02:31,243 --> 00:02:34,367 or a potion maker - he hasn't decided yet.Oh, great. 44 00:02:34,367 --> 00:02:36,543 Well, obviously, I'm going to play it all first 45 00:02:36,543 --> 00:02:39,043 to make sure there's no misogyny or casual drug references. 46 00:02:39,043 --> 00:02:42,303 You know you can't play all of Minecraft, yeah?Hm? 47 00:02:42,303 --> 00:02:45,763 Never mind. What's the plan, pub? I need a booze boost. 48 00:02:45,763 --> 00:02:48,575 Guys, I thought we were going to the Living Nativity 49 00:02:48,575 --> 00:02:50,083 as an end-of-term treat. 50 00:02:50,083 --> 00:02:51,327 Mm...Nah. 51 00:02:51,327 --> 00:02:56,703 There's a mulled wine stall? Ooh! I love a mulled wine! 52 00:02:56,703 --> 00:03:06,431 Come on! 53 00:03:06,431 --> 00:03:08,607 I don't know about you but, any time I see a big crowd, 54 00:03:08,607 --> 00:03:10,271 it makes me think of a terrorist attack. 55 00:03:10,271 --> 00:03:12,127 And a happy Christmas to you too, Anne. 56 00:03:12,127 --> 00:03:14,943 Was there this much of a queue at the original nativity, do you think? 57 00:03:14,943 --> 00:03:18,591 I don't know. Ask Amanda. I'm pretty sure she was there.Very funny, Liz! 58 00:03:18,591 --> 00:03:22,431 Hey, I heard there's going to be a rabbit you can pat.One rabbit? 59 00:03:22,431 --> 00:03:26,527 One rabbit for all these kids going in and out? Jesus Christ! 60 00:03:26,527 --> 00:03:28,767 How many pats can one rabbit take? 61 00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:30,763 Er, 200.Eh? 62 00:03:30,763 --> 00:03:33,823 Roughly speaking, 200 pats or 15 minutes' worth 63 00:03:33,823 --> 00:03:37,023 of heavy patting is a rabbit's limit. 64 00:03:37,023 --> 00:03:39,327 Do you think Anne patted a rabbit to death? 65 00:03:39,327 --> 00:03:41,631 Yeah, that's why she had to leave Ireland. 66 00:03:41,631 --> 00:03:44,803 Oh, guys, before I forget - Christmas Eve, 7pm, 67 00:03:44,803 --> 00:03:46,943 I'm having a little festive gathering chez moi. 68 00:03:46,943 --> 00:03:49,963 I've only got one stiffy invite left. 69 00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:54,111 Actually, it's officially for Meggie.Oh, thank you!There you go. 70 00:03:54,111 --> 00:03:55,455 It's got your name on it there. 71 00:03:55,455 --> 00:03:57,823 The rest of you just take down the deets, yeah? 72 00:03:57,823 --> 00:04:01,087 MAN:Next family, please. Charming!Come on! 73 00:04:01,087 --> 00:04:04,543 Give us a look at your stiffy, then. "Amanda's annual Christmas drinkies. 74 00:04:04,543 --> 00:04:08,383 "Dress code - tinsel and tiaras. Bring a gift for Evil Santa. 75 00:04:08,383 --> 00:04:11,135 "Real champagne 6-7, Cava thereafter." 76 00:04:11,135 --> 00:04:13,247 I'm not going to her anal Christmas drinkies 77 00:04:13,247 --> 00:04:15,935 if she's not giving me a stiffy. Who has a party on Christmas Eve? 78 00:04:15,935 --> 00:04:18,431 The night before Christmas and you're cooking and cleaning, 79 00:04:18,431 --> 00:04:19,967 making up the beds, folding towels - 80 00:04:19,967 --> 00:04:22,527 your big towels, your small towels, your hand towels... 81 00:04:22,527 --> 00:04:25,215 Are Paul's parents staying over? Yes, yes, yes, they are. 82 00:04:25,215 --> 00:04:28,243 The rest of his family arrive on Boxing Day, so both days are awful. 83 00:04:28,243 --> 00:04:30,335 I mean, basically, I'm a Christmas servant. 84 00:04:30,335 --> 00:04:31,963 Well, Christmas isn't Christmas 85 00:04:31,963 --> 00:04:33,763 without a bit of family politics, is it? 86 00:04:33,763 --> 00:04:37,003 Who's going to have the last sprout? Why did you pull my cracker? 87 00:04:37,003 --> 00:04:40,255 Who's going to clean up after Jill's grandad's used the toilet? 88 00:04:40,255 --> 00:04:43,647 I'm taxiing over to Jill's mum's very early on Christmas morning 89 00:04:43,647 --> 00:04:47,743 with the turkey, potatoes, cauliflower cheese, spiced beef, 90 00:04:47,743 --> 00:04:51,163 pigs in blankets, the ham, cheese board - the full caboodle. 91 00:04:51,163 --> 00:04:53,695 Then basically all I have to do is head over and serve it. 92 00:04:53,695 --> 00:04:55,615 And wash up.What does Jill do? 93 00:04:55,615 --> 00:04:59,135 She fills a bowl with Quality Street - best bit of the day. 94 00:04:59,135 --> 00:05:01,375 Lee's got the kids this year, so that's that. 95 00:05:01,375 --> 00:05:02,847 Christmas can get fucked. 96 00:05:02,847 --> 00:05:06,303 Is Sam the shepherd not coming down to worship at your manger? 97 00:05:06,303 --> 00:05:09,695 Guys, heads up - not a real reindeer. 98 00:05:09,695 --> 00:05:13,151 I've been to Lapland. It's at best a Muntjac. 99 00:05:13,151 --> 00:05:15,967 At worst, an Alsatian with a strap-on. 100 00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:22,559 JULIA LAUGHS 101 00:05:22,559 --> 00:05:39,583 PHONE RINGS 102 00:05:39,583 --> 00:05:42,883 Jesus! Who puts a quarter of an onion in the fridge? 103 00:05:42,883 --> 00:05:44,959 We brought some bits and pieces from our fridge 104 00:05:44,959 --> 00:05:59,871 that would have gone off - thought they might be of use. 105 00:05:59,871 --> 00:06:04,735 PHONE RINGS 106 00:06:04,735 --> 00:06:08,255 What?I've been in this queue for nearly 25 minutes.Ah! 107 00:06:08,255 --> 00:06:11,455 What absolute shit are you going to panic buy me this year? 108 00:06:11,455 --> 00:06:18,815 Another apron that says, "Bitch, I'm the secret ingredient"?No... 109 00:06:18,815 --> 00:06:22,463 Hey, can you just ask Dad if Mum needs a new epilady? 110 00:06:22,463 --> 00:06:24,643 My God! Why can't you? 111 00:06:24,643 --> 00:06:31,551 You know he never answers his phone. 112 00:06:31,551 --> 00:06:34,243 Geoff!Geoff!Geoff! 113 00:06:34,243 --> 00:06:36,287 LOUDER: Geoff! 114 00:06:36,287 --> 00:06:40,127 Paul wants to know, does Elizabeth need a new epilady?What? 115 00:06:40,127 --> 00:06:42,815 LOUDER: Does Elizabeth need a new epilady? 116 00:06:42,815 --> 00:06:47,231 Do you need a new epilady, Elizabeth?No.No.No. 117 00:06:47,231 --> 00:06:51,455 Shit! OK, OK, um, what about a Michael Kors clutch? 118 00:06:51,455 --> 00:06:53,823 Or a massive suitcase? 119 00:06:53,823 --> 00:06:57,763 Oh, Julia, do you have any Sellotape and scissors? 120 00:06:57,763 --> 00:06:59,803 Right, yes, fine. 121 00:06:59,803 --> 00:07:02,463 You don't need to worry about wrapping paper - 122 00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:08,323 we recycled all ours from last year. 123 00:07:08,323 --> 00:07:13,663 Um... Are we eating today?Hey? 124 00:07:13,663 --> 00:07:16,735 It's Christmas Eve, Geoff! 125 00:07:16,735 --> 00:07:19,487 Nobody eats on... There's food everywhere! 126 00:07:19,487 --> 00:07:21,535 Just peel a satsuma, crack a nut. 127 00:07:21,535 --> 00:07:25,887 Tuck into a quarter of an onion, you coffin-dodging old shit!Julia? 128 00:07:25,887 --> 00:07:34,783 Could you pop the kettle on? I left the cups on the counter. 129 00:07:34,783 --> 00:07:38,495 PHONE RINGS 130 00:07:38,495 --> 00:07:39,583 What? 131 00:07:39,583 --> 00:07:45,087 Would you like an Antony Worrall Thompson salt pig signed by him?No. 132 00:07:45,087 --> 00:07:48,287 OK, what about Jaeger sockettes? Ted Baker sunglasses? 133 00:07:48,287 --> 00:07:50,015 Julia, where are all the towels? 134 00:07:50,015 --> 00:07:53,215 I can only find the crispy ones you use for the dogs. 135 00:07:53,215 --> 00:07:55,007 It's like drying myself on a Weetabix. 136 00:07:55,007 --> 00:07:56,159 OK, well, give me a minute. 137 00:07:56,159 --> 00:07:59,423 I'll just pop down to Harrods and purchase you a cashmere bath sheet. 138 00:07:59,423 --> 00:08:00,703 Oh, Julia! 139 00:08:00,703 --> 00:08:05,183 No, because I live to serve and I just have all this to do, all this! 140 00:08:05,183 --> 00:08:08,083 If you just give me nine hours to spirit up Christmas, 141 00:08:08,083 --> 00:08:10,431 and then I can dust off my towel loom 142 00:08:10,431 --> 00:08:13,963 and weave you one from the hair from a baby's arsehole! 143 00:08:13,963 --> 00:08:15,551 All right, Julia. 144 00:08:15,551 --> 00:08:44,863 I'll use one of the crispy ones, hm? 145 00:08:44,863 --> 00:08:48,895 OK, guys, I'm just popping out to kill myself! 146 00:08:48,895 --> 00:08:50,815 I would put my head in the oven, 147 00:08:50,815 --> 00:08:55,003 but there's a turkey the size of a chubby toddler in there. 148 00:08:55,003 --> 00:08:59,135 See ya! 149 00:08:59,135 --> 00:09:02,975 Is my tea ready, Julia? 150 00:09:02,975 --> 00:09:05,215 Can't you just tether some reindeer to the front 151 00:09:05,215 --> 00:09:07,135 and drag your van to London? 152 00:09:07,135 --> 00:09:09,403 Yeah, it's hard to get reindeer roadside recovery 153 00:09:09,403 --> 00:09:11,487 at the best of times, let alone on Christmas Eve. 154 00:09:11,487 --> 00:09:15,071 You got my bloody hopes up. Well, look, if it's any consolation, 155 00:09:15,071 --> 00:09:17,567 it looks like I'll be spending my Christmas Day in a lay-by. 156 00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:20,703 KNOCKING Hold on. 157 00:09:20,703 --> 00:09:23,839 JULIA:Lizzie! Lizzie! 158 00:09:23,839 --> 00:09:25,695 I'll call you back. 159 00:09:25,695 --> 00:09:26,847 Yo! 160 00:09:26,847 --> 00:09:30,303 So I've run away from home so that we can go to Amanda's anal party. 161 00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:34,655 Oh, no, no!Yes. Please!No!Please! No, I'm not in the mood! 162 00:09:34,655 --> 00:09:37,663 Sam's not coming now, so I'm just going to start wallowing 163 00:09:37,663 --> 00:09:40,671 in my own shitty Shitmas without the kids and watch Hereditary again. 164 00:09:40,671 --> 00:09:42,975 Please, Lizzie!No!I just really... 165 00:09:42,975 --> 00:09:46,303 I want to go somewhere where I don't have to tidy up or pay! Please! 166 00:09:46,303 --> 00:09:49,055 If you're a good girl, I'll give you a big snog under the mistletoe. 167 00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:54,047 PHONES CHIME 168 00:09:54,047 --> 00:09:57,951 JULIA CHUCKLES 169 00:09:57,951 --> 00:10:01,407 I hate you! All right. 170 00:10:01,407 --> 00:10:04,415 It took me hours to build up my Minecraft Homestead. 171 00:10:04,415 --> 00:10:08,383 I had, like, a room for my horse, I had a couple of cows, 172 00:10:08,383 --> 00:10:11,583 I had a waterfall, then your Charlie joined the party, 173 00:10:11,583 --> 00:10:13,823 I showed him round, and he just went nuts 174 00:10:13,823 --> 00:10:16,767 and set fire to the annexe I'd made for the pigs, 175 00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:18,883 so I went to his place and did the same. 176 00:10:18,883 --> 00:10:21,887 Oh, put it away, Kev! You're not eight! 177 00:10:21,887 --> 00:10:24,703 Oh, dear! 178 00:10:24,703 --> 00:10:26,495 Do you think it's a Banksy? 179 00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,863 How disappointing! 180 00:10:28,863 --> 00:10:32,383 Who would do something so nasty? 181 00:10:32,383 --> 00:10:33,663 Was it you? 182 00:10:33,663 --> 00:10:37,759 I wouldn't use that font! 183 00:10:37,759 --> 00:10:49,023 Right, come on. We're going to miss all the real champagne. 184 00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:53,823 Mm! 185 00:10:53,823 --> 00:10:56,895 Oh! Welcome, welcome! Shoes off, please. 186 00:10:56,895 --> 00:11:00,735 Oh, I have a fungal infection. Merry Christmas. 187 00:11:00,735 --> 00:11:03,359 Gosh, Amanda, this is absolutely stunning!Yeah. 188 00:11:03,359 --> 00:11:05,563 It's actually for my Higa Tiga website shoot. 189 00:11:05,563 --> 00:11:08,323 Everything with a price tag is from my shop, and for sale. 190 00:11:08,323 --> 00:11:11,103 Oh, my God! That is absolutely mahoosive! 191 00:11:11,103 --> 00:11:14,367 Was that gifted by the people of Norway? 192 00:11:14,367 --> 00:11:15,775 No, actually, no. 193 00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:18,335 Now, if you have been to my dos before, 194 00:11:18,335 --> 00:11:20,323 you will know I have a strict schedule. 195 00:11:20,323 --> 00:11:23,455 Evil Santa's at seven followed by carols by scented candlelight. 196 00:11:23,455 --> 00:11:26,719 Anne is manning the bar, there is a patio area outside for mulled wine. 197 00:11:26,719 --> 00:11:28,575 Please, no dark drinks inside the house. 198 00:11:28,575 --> 00:11:30,175 Otherwise, kick back, have fun, guys! 199 00:11:30,175 --> 00:11:32,415 PHONE CHIMES 200 00:11:32,415 --> 00:11:35,443 Oh, my goodness! Those little sods! 201 00:11:35,443 --> 00:11:37,279 They've kidnapped my llamas! 202 00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:41,119 It's the pussy posse! And Kevin! 203 00:11:41,119 --> 00:11:42,527 And Kevin! 204 00:11:42,527 --> 00:11:44,203 Minecraft.Oh. 205 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,763 Can you believe all this shit? 206 00:11:45,763 --> 00:11:47,583 I mean, who has a Christmas hippo? 207 00:11:47,583 --> 00:11:51,103 That hippo completely sums up why I fucking hate Christmas. 208 00:11:51,103 --> 00:11:55,135 Pornstar Martini, Pornstar Martini? Why is it called a Pornstar Martini? 209 00:11:55,135 --> 00:11:57,567 Because it relaxes your anus. Oh, God!Mmm! 210 00:11:57,567 --> 00:11:59,039 BELL RINGS 211 00:11:59,039 --> 00:12:03,455 Evil Santa time! 212 00:12:03,455 --> 00:12:07,487 OK. Sh-sh-sh! Everyone! OK. 213 00:12:07,487 --> 00:12:10,723 So, FYI, this is like a really fun take on Secret Santa - 214 00:12:10,723 --> 00:12:14,015 you get to swap your pressies if you don't like them, 215 00:12:14,015 --> 00:12:16,383 whether the other person wants to or not. 216 00:12:16,383 --> 00:12:21,183 Ouch! OK, so, has everyone put their pressies in?No. 217 00:12:21,183 --> 00:12:24,643 No-one told me about Evil Santa. Well, it was on the invite, Liz. 218 00:12:24,643 --> 00:12:26,815 I didn't get an invite.OK. 219 00:12:26,815 --> 00:12:31,295 I guess, just watch, but please don't try and join in. 220 00:12:31,295 --> 00:12:34,303 OK. 221 00:12:34,303 --> 00:12:38,207 Bad luck if you get picked first. 222 00:12:38,207 --> 00:12:42,047 Oh, that's me. Oh, well. 223 00:12:42,047 --> 00:12:48,575 What's it going to be? 224 00:12:48,575 --> 00:12:49,727 Oh! 225 00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:52,243 Oh, what's that? 226 00:12:52,243 --> 00:12:53,951 Oh! 227 00:12:53,951 --> 00:12:56,767 A candle from Higa Tiga. 228 00:12:56,767 --> 00:12:59,135 Love it! Great. That worked out. 229 00:12:59,135 --> 00:13:03,487 I'm thrilled. OK, who is next? Who's it going to be? 230 00:13:03,487 --> 00:13:04,963 Anne.Oh! 231 00:13:04,963 --> 00:13:06,943 Come on, Anne! 232 00:13:06,943 --> 00:13:09,695 Have a look. Come on! 233 00:13:09,695 --> 00:13:14,687 Move it, move it! What is it? What is it? 234 00:13:14,687 --> 00:13:16,223 What is that?Oh, that's me. 235 00:13:16,223 --> 00:13:22,175 It's quarter of an onion - my in-laws brought it. 236 00:13:22,175 --> 00:13:25,003 Don't you dare swap that with my lovely candle! 237 00:13:25,003 --> 00:13:27,167 No.OK. Yeah. 238 00:13:27,167 --> 00:13:30,239 Well, yeah, I need a bit of onion for my bread sauce anyway, so... 239 00:13:30,239 --> 00:13:34,079 That's the spirit, Anne! Off you go! OK. Who's next? 240 00:13:34,079 --> 00:13:37,123 Let's have a look. Ooh! Julia, come along! 241 00:13:37,123 --> 00:13:41,203 Here we go! Come on. 242 00:13:41,203 --> 00:13:45,215 SHE LAUGHS 243 00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:48,607 Lemon squeezer.It's Lakeland.Hey? 244 00:13:48,607 --> 00:13:50,783 Don't you dare try and swap that for my lovely candle. 245 00:13:50,783 --> 00:13:53,023 Well, obviously, I will. I don't want a lemon squeezer. 246 00:13:53,023 --> 00:13:54,763 It's Lakeland.No!Yes. 247 00:13:54,763 --> 00:13:58,143 Julia, it's my party.But you said... You said that's the point. 248 00:13:58,143 --> 00:14:00,523 It's from my shop.You outlined at the beginning that... 249 00:14:00,523 --> 00:14:03,403 Sweetheart, you're embarrassing us. The clue's in the name, isn't it? 250 00:14:03,403 --> 00:14:07,935 Julia!So the candle.Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! 251 00:14:07,935 --> 00:14:10,003 Thank you. 252 00:14:10,003 --> 00:14:13,723 Thanks, Anne. OK. Ah! Kevin! 253 00:14:13,723 --> 00:14:15,763 Where is Kevin? Kevin? 254 00:14:15,763 --> 00:14:18,431 I'll go and get him. Kevin? 255 00:14:18,431 --> 00:14:21,567 OK, I'll pop his name back in. Er... 256 00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:27,455 Claire!Yeah.Come on, Claire! 257 00:14:27,455 --> 00:14:31,243 DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH PLAYS 258 00:14:31,243 --> 00:14:36,927 Fucking hell! 259 00:14:36,927 --> 00:14:40,639 Oh, hey. Don't let me drink too much.How much is too much? 260 00:14:40,639 --> 00:14:42,943 Well, I need to stay on the right side of hungover 261 00:14:42,943 --> 00:14:44,415 to deal with tomorrow.Really? 262 00:14:44,415 --> 00:14:46,243 God, I thought your Christmas would be perfect. 263 00:14:46,243 --> 00:14:50,687 No, cos we always have Bill's ex-wife, Vivian, over. 264 00:14:50,687 --> 00:14:53,503 She's driving up from Salisbury tonight.Gosh! 265 00:14:53,503 --> 00:14:55,871 That sounds very grown-up and functional. 266 00:14:55,871 --> 00:14:59,803 No, it's shit because I stole her husband! 267 00:14:59,803 --> 00:15:02,847 Bill left her for me. 268 00:15:02,847 --> 00:15:05,215 And she's so fucking gracious about it. 269 00:15:05,215 --> 00:15:08,927 I'd rather deal with a hangover than Vivian's kind, forgiving face. 270 00:15:08,927 --> 00:15:12,895 OK, well, here's to your shitty functional Christmas, then. 271 00:15:12,895 --> 00:15:15,455 Get that down you. Chin-chin, dear! 272 00:15:15,455 --> 00:15:20,323 Kevin? 273 00:15:20,323 --> 00:15:24,043 This house is sapping any joy I had left in my soul. 274 00:15:24,043 --> 00:15:26,527 You know the toilet plays Ding Dong Merrily On High? 275 00:15:26,527 --> 00:15:29,023 Did you leave a yule log in it? I mean, who's it all for? 276 00:15:29,023 --> 00:15:31,263 It's for us so that we all know that Amanda's winning. 277 00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:32,563 It makes you want to volunteer 278 00:15:32,563 --> 00:15:34,527 at a homeless shelter or something, doesn't it? 279 00:15:34,527 --> 00:15:36,767 I definitely would if I didn't have the kids. 280 00:15:36,767 --> 00:15:38,367 And I was a nicer person. 281 00:15:38,367 --> 00:15:39,583 And I could be arsed. 282 00:15:39,583 --> 00:15:42,463 Right, who wants to have a snoop through Amanda's Christmas drawers? 283 00:15:42,463 --> 00:15:46,303 Ooh! Yeah. 284 00:15:46,303 --> 00:15:47,923 Ooh! 285 00:15:47,923 --> 00:15:49,375 Wow! 286 00:15:49,375 --> 00:15:52,191 I didn't know Amanda was related to Barbara Cartland.Oh! 287 00:15:52,191 --> 00:15:55,327 This is just the kind of bedroom I imagined losing my virginity in. 288 00:15:55,327 --> 00:15:58,527 Rather than the fourth storey of an NCP car park? 289 00:15:58,527 --> 00:16:01,855 Actually, it was a tent at the Reading Festival. 290 00:16:01,855 --> 00:16:03,163 I don't want to slut shame, 291 00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:05,567 but nothing says slag like mistletoe in a bedroom. 292 00:16:05,567 --> 00:16:09,343 Oh, my God! Kevin, what are you doing down there?! 293 00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:10,687 Mein Kraft! 294 00:16:10,687 --> 00:16:12,095 I'm mid-raid, I'm mid-raid. 295 00:16:12,095 --> 00:16:14,271 Filthy little boy!Ho, ho, ho! 296 00:16:14,271 --> 00:16:17,535 Who wants a festive goblet of mulled wine? 297 00:16:17,535 --> 00:16:19,647 Meg, are you mad? Did you miss the memo?What? 298 00:16:19,647 --> 00:16:21,695 No dark drinks in the house! 299 00:16:21,695 --> 00:16:24,127 Really? Why?The carpet, woman! Oh, my God! 300 00:16:24,127 --> 00:16:27,283 Who does that? Why has she got a white carpet? 301 00:16:27,283 --> 00:16:29,375 I hate millimalism! Mizimalism...! 302 00:16:29,375 --> 00:16:31,807 Give it to me. I'll put it in the en-suite. 303 00:16:31,807 --> 00:16:33,791 OK, OK, OK, OK, OK. 304 00:16:33,791 --> 00:16:35,967 Ooh! 305 00:16:35,967 --> 00:16:39,743 Careful, Kevin!Oh, God! 306 00:16:39,743 --> 00:16:42,403 ALL: No! Ooh! 307 00:16:42,403 --> 00:16:43,775 MEG LAUGHS 308 00:16:43,775 --> 00:16:48,063 Oh, my God! 309 00:16:48,063 --> 00:16:49,663 Oh! 310 00:16:49,663 --> 00:16:53,375 Oh, my goodness! Oh, wow! 311 00:16:53,375 --> 00:16:54,783 Did you see that?Yeah! 312 00:16:54,783 --> 00:16:59,711 You were like a cat, Kevin. High five!Oh!Ooh! 313 00:16:59,711 --> 00:17:04,319 MEG LAUGHS LOUDLY 314 00:17:04,319 --> 00:17:07,135 Oh, my God, the carpet! Get some towels! Get some wet towels! 315 00:17:07,135 --> 00:17:10,015 Wet towels? That will just spread it.What do you put on blood? 316 00:17:10,015 --> 00:17:12,575 Is it vinegar?Flour, flour. White wine, white wine. 317 00:17:12,575 --> 00:17:15,327 We're not making a gravy, Kevin! Get some bicarbonate of soda! 318 00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:18,783 I'll check the kitchen.Get some toilet tissue. Tissue, tissue! 319 00:17:18,783 --> 00:17:21,727 I'm so sorry, so sorry.Don't you be sorry, it's Meg's fault. 320 00:17:21,727 --> 00:17:24,643 I'm sorry! 321 00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:27,679 It's like a crime scene. I think you've broken my nose. 322 00:17:27,679 --> 00:17:30,943 I think I'm going to be sick. I've definitely pissed myself.Got it? 323 00:17:30,943 --> 00:17:34,603 Got it. Right.Give it to me. 324 00:17:34,603 --> 00:17:40,095 Oh!Oh, sh...Dust yourself off, get it on the carpet. 325 00:17:40,095 --> 00:17:43,123 Get it on the carpet! 326 00:17:43,123 --> 00:17:45,343 Pat, pat, pat! Don't rub! Don't rub! 327 00:17:45,343 --> 00:17:47,967 Guys, come on, it's carol o'clock! 328 00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:49,695 Nothing. 329 00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:52,895 Oh, my God! 330 00:17:52,895 --> 00:17:55,723 Are you taking drugs? 331 00:17:55,723 --> 00:17:58,527 Yes. 332 00:17:58,527 --> 00:18:03,839 Yes, we've been sniffing cocaine. 333 00:18:03,839 --> 00:18:06,043 Would you like some? 334 00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:08,703 I know I seem pretty chill, and that's because I am, 335 00:18:08,703 --> 00:18:11,967 but there is a time and a place, guys, OK? 336 00:18:11,967 --> 00:18:14,563 Not cool. 337 00:18:14,563 --> 00:18:22,527 Not cool at all. 338 00:18:22,527 --> 00:18:29,055 And get out of my daughter's bedroom!OK.Yeah, OK, sorry, yeah. 339 00:18:29,055 --> 00:18:34,495 Oh! 340 00:18:34,495 --> 00:18:37,843 That'll do.Yeah. 341 00:18:37,843 --> 00:18:41,151 Four calling birds, three French hens 342 00:18:41,151 --> 00:18:42,815 Two turtle doves 343 00:18:42,815 --> 00:18:47,615 And a partridge in a pear tree. 344 00:18:47,615 --> 00:18:50,303 You take the partridge, you take it out the fridge, 345 00:18:50,303 --> 00:18:52,095 You put in the oven and you cook it a smidge! 346 00:18:52,095 --> 00:18:53,203 Here we go. 347 00:18:53,203 --> 00:18:55,243 Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh 348 00:18:55,243 --> 00:18:57,535 Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh 349 00:18:57,535 --> 00:18:59,967 Christmas Day is baby Jesus' birthday 350 00:18:59,967 --> 00:19:01,631 He lives at the top of the tree 351 00:19:01,631 --> 00:19:02,719 The Christmas tree... 352 00:19:02,719 --> 00:19:07,199 OK, OK, and, on that note, thanks for coming, everyone, home time. 353 00:19:07,199 --> 00:19:10,847 No, no, no, no, no! I don't want to go home sober.You're not sober.OK. 354 00:19:10,847 --> 00:19:14,367 Do grab a panettone from the panettone pyramid. Anne, one. 355 00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:17,375 Anne, are you walking home with us, love?No, she's helping me clean up. 356 00:19:17,375 --> 00:19:21,919 No, I have things to do - I'm doing the bins.One, watch her. 357 00:19:21,919 --> 00:19:25,887 OK.Whoopsy!Anne, get the glass. 358 00:19:25,887 --> 00:19:28,127 That's lovely.OK.OK, wonderful. 359 00:19:28,127 --> 00:19:31,455 Good evening.I love you. That's so sweet. 360 00:19:31,455 --> 00:19:34,143 Thank you!Bye! 361 00:19:34,143 --> 00:19:36,063 Well, that was brilliant! 362 00:19:36,063 --> 00:19:38,047 I feel terrible about the stain. 363 00:19:38,047 --> 00:19:41,631 Everyone back to mine! It's Christmas Eve, Meg. 364 00:19:41,631 --> 00:19:44,703 Oh, come on, you flaky lightweights, just one more eggnog! 365 00:19:44,703 --> 00:19:46,623 So I don't have to face Bill's ex. 366 00:19:46,623 --> 00:19:48,671 It's only... SHE GASPS 367 00:19:48,671 --> 00:19:50,847 Why am I wearing two watches? 368 00:19:50,847 --> 00:19:52,255 What? 369 00:19:52,255 --> 00:19:53,727 No, no, no, no! 370 00:19:53,727 --> 00:19:55,363 Liz, can you call your child 371 00:19:55,363 --> 00:19:57,183 and tell him to stop raiding my homestead? 372 00:19:57,183 --> 00:19:59,103 He's going to burn it down and take all my gold! 373 00:19:59,103 --> 00:20:01,791 What's Charlie doing on Minecraft at this time of night? 374 00:20:01,791 --> 00:20:05,503 Whoa, whoa. What the bloody hell? Ooh, that's not cool. 375 00:20:05,503 --> 00:20:08,083 Oh, my God! Who would do such a thing? 376 00:20:08,083 --> 00:20:11,391 Kevin, we saw it earlier. What? And we didn't do anything? 377 00:20:11,391 --> 00:20:13,247 You were dicking about on Mein Kampf. 378 00:20:13,247 --> 00:20:16,895 Wait, wait, wait, we can't leave it up there - 379 00:20:16,895 --> 00:20:20,159 what if a kid sees it on Christmas morning? 380 00:20:20,159 --> 00:20:22,911 I don't care, Kevin! I've got a giblet gravy to make! 381 00:20:22,911 --> 00:20:26,623 No, no.Ugh!I'm all for free speech, but this is BS. 382 00:20:26,623 --> 00:20:28,287 And-and blasphemy. 383 00:20:28,287 --> 00:20:31,167 What do you want us to do, Kevin? Find some paint and paint over it? 384 00:20:31,167 --> 00:20:34,751 Exactly.Oh, my God. It's 9:10, Homebase is shut. 385 00:20:34,751 --> 00:20:39,523 That's just details, Liz. This is what Christmas is all about! 386 00:20:39,523 --> 00:20:43,647 It's parents all over the world preserving the magical lies 387 00:20:43,647 --> 00:20:47,323 we tell our kids to keep the spirit of Christmas alive! 388 00:20:47,323 --> 00:20:54,463 And I...I will not stand here and let this truth be told. 389 00:20:54,463 --> 00:20:56,127 Fine! 390 00:20:56,127 --> 00:20:57,407 Ugh! 391 00:20:57,407 --> 00:21:00,351 OK. OK, fine, Kevin. 392 00:21:00,351 --> 00:21:08,735 Where are we going to find some paint on Christmas Eve? 393 00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:10,655 Hold on. Why are there still people here? 394 00:21:10,655 --> 00:21:12,403 I thought they were all leaving. 395 00:21:12,403 --> 00:21:14,815 Maybe there's been an accident or something. 396 00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:17,631 Oh, for God's sake, Kevin. We've been had. 397 00:21:17,631 --> 00:21:22,303 We've been chucked out of a party I didn't even want to be at.Right. 398 00:21:22,303 --> 00:21:23,923 SHE KNOCKS 399 00:21:23,923 --> 00:21:27,295 We know you're in there, so open the door. 400 00:21:27,295 --> 00:21:30,883 SHE KNOCKS AGAIN Yoo-hoo! 401 00:21:30,883 --> 00:21:38,367 Jesus Christ! Um, nothing. I'm-I'm doing the bins. 402 00:21:38,367 --> 00:21:42,079 Hey. Er, their taxis didn't turn up. 403 00:21:42,079 --> 00:21:44,639 Bollocks! You wanted to thin your party out 404 00:21:44,639 --> 00:21:46,303 but didn't have the balls to tell us. 405 00:21:46,303 --> 00:21:47,803 This is my party. 406 00:21:47,803 --> 00:21:50,527 If I want to vibe on with my gal pals, that's my prerogative. 407 00:21:50,527 --> 00:21:53,151 So you lied, you just kicked us out into the snow. 408 00:21:53,151 --> 00:21:55,603 It's not snowing, Julia. I think you know what I mean. 409 00:21:55,603 --> 00:21:57,823 Is this really Christmas spirit, goodwill to all men, 410 00:21:57,823 --> 00:21:59,615 peace on Earth, pa-ruppa-pum-pum? 411 00:21:59,615 --> 00:22:04,863 Shame on you, shame on you and your one invite between three. 412 00:22:04,863 --> 00:22:06,403 Four.Four. 413 00:22:06,403 --> 00:22:10,431 You can have your big, showy-offy, Christmassy house. 414 00:22:10,431 --> 00:22:12,415 Christmas is not about your bibbles and bobbles, 415 00:22:12,415 --> 00:22:13,603 and your edible wreaths. 416 00:22:13,603 --> 00:22:17,803 It's not edible. 417 00:22:17,803 --> 00:22:21,823 It's about what is in there, and there's nothing in your there. 418 00:22:21,823 --> 00:22:25,407 You're like an empty husk, a mince pie with no mince. 419 00:22:25,407 --> 00:22:27,903 You're a dead Christmas with no heart! 420 00:22:27,903 --> 00:22:29,119 What? 421 00:22:29,119 --> 00:22:30,403 Goodnight, Julia. 422 00:22:30,403 --> 00:22:34,003 Whoa! Let's just roll back. Roll back. 423 00:22:34,003 --> 00:22:38,335 Somebody has scrawled, um, "Santa's not real" 424 00:22:38,335 --> 00:22:40,319 on the Living Nativity. 425 00:22:40,319 --> 00:22:42,303 What if a small child saw that?! 426 00:22:42,303 --> 00:22:45,183 Yes. So what we need is a ladder, some paint... 427 00:22:45,183 --> 00:22:48,575 What was it you said, Julia? A dead Christmas with no heart? 428 00:22:48,575 --> 00:22:51,903 Um, did I? Um... 429 00:22:51,903 --> 00:22:54,911 And now...you want my help? 430 00:22:54,911 --> 00:22:56,803 No, not me, not me. The children. 431 00:22:56,803 --> 00:22:59,007 They'll be wandering past that atrocity 432 00:22:59,007 --> 00:23:02,015 that says Santa's not bloody real! 433 00:23:02,015 --> 00:23:05,855 Is that an apology? 434 00:23:05,855 --> 00:23:12,163 If that's what you need, if that's what you need, then I'm sorry. 435 00:23:12,163 --> 00:23:14,367 How dare you! 436 00:23:14,367 --> 00:23:16,863 My Christmas does have heart. And, for your information, 437 00:23:16,863 --> 00:23:18,655 this year I wanted it to be especially special. 438 00:23:18,655 --> 00:23:20,703 It is my first time hosting without Johnny, 439 00:23:20,703 --> 00:23:22,751 and probably the last time in my lovely house, 440 00:23:22,751 --> 00:23:25,003 so I am so sorry I went to such a lot of effort for you all 441 00:23:25,003 --> 00:23:27,167 and I hope you're happy because you have ruined it! 442 00:23:27,167 --> 00:23:28,447 How did we ruin it? 443 00:23:28,447 --> 00:23:32,927 MEG:Tim-ber-r-r-r! 444 00:23:32,927 --> 00:23:34,335 MEG LAUGHS 445 00:23:34,335 --> 00:23:35,683 AMANDA GASPS 446 00:23:35,683 --> 00:23:39,327 Didn't anybody film that? 447 00:23:39,327 --> 00:23:41,247 Well, that's that, then. 448 00:23:41,247 --> 00:23:44,447 No! We can't lecture Amanda on Christmas spirit 449 00:23:44,447 --> 00:23:46,723 and not do something about this. 450 00:23:46,723 --> 00:23:51,295 Yeah, you did go a bit over the top with the whole pa-ruppa-pum-pum. 451 00:23:51,295 --> 00:23:53,407 METALLIC SCRAPING 452 00:23:53,407 --> 00:23:56,287 Oh, my God! Anne, you little beauty. KNOCKING ON WINDOW 453 00:23:56,287 --> 00:24:00,447 Don't you dare, Anne! Don't you dare, Anne! 454 00:24:00,447 --> 00:24:04,287 Go, go, go! 455 00:24:04,287 --> 00:24:06,335 I am calling your husband! 456 00:24:06,335 --> 00:24:09,663 Right, let's get this Christmas back on feckin' track. 457 00:24:09,663 --> 00:24:11,803 Where's Meg, the lazy bugger? 458 00:24:11,803 --> 00:24:14,335 Oh, God. I hope she's not gone in with the donkey. 459 00:24:14,335 --> 00:24:15,763 Can't abide donkeys. 460 00:24:15,763 --> 00:24:17,983 I got bit on a school trip to Skerries. 461 00:24:17,983 --> 00:24:20,863 I was feeding one a fruit pastille and it bit me under the nipple. 462 00:24:20,863 --> 00:24:22,015 Ooh, Anne! 463 00:24:22,015 --> 00:24:26,111 The priest lifted up my T-shirt to check the bruise. 464 00:24:26,111 --> 00:24:30,143 It's ironic, because actually, Anne is French for donkey. 465 00:24:30,143 --> 00:24:33,663 Why's that ironic, Kevin?Well, it's interesting, then, it's... 466 00:24:33,663 --> 00:24:35,683 It's just an interesting detail. 467 00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:37,247 I think the interesting detail 468 00:24:37,247 --> 00:24:39,523 is that after a donkey bit Anne on the nipple, 469 00:24:39,523 --> 00:24:42,403 she got molested by a priest. 470 00:24:42,403 --> 00:24:46,527 Hey, guys, come here and look at this! 471 00:24:46,527 --> 00:24:48,895 Aww! That's nice and cosy. 472 00:24:48,895 --> 00:24:52,671 God love her.Aww. 473 00:24:52,671 --> 00:24:55,743 Wake the fuck up! 474 00:24:55,743 --> 00:25:03,883 O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL PLAYS 475 00:25:03,883 --> 00:25:07,903 Nothing like the smell of fresh emulsion to see in Christmas Day. 476 00:25:07,903 --> 00:25:09,523 Still got a toilet to unblock 477 00:25:09,523 --> 00:25:14,047 and three massive bags of potatoes to peel. 478 00:25:14,047 --> 00:25:18,143 Sing in exaltation 479 00:25:18,143 --> 00:25:26,655 Sing, all ye citizens of heaven above 480 00:25:26,655 --> 00:25:34,363 Glory to God in the highest 481 00:25:34,363 --> 00:25:37,919 O come let us adore him 482 00:25:37,919 --> 00:25:39,583 O come 483 00:25:39,583 --> 00:25:41,375 O come let us adore him 484 00:25:41,375 --> 00:25:43,167 O come 485 00:25:43,167 --> 00:25:44,831 O come let us... 486 00:25:44,831 --> 00:25:48,095 SINGING HIGH MELODY: Let us adore him 487 00:25:48,095 --> 00:25:53,087 Christ the Lord! 488 00:25:53,087 --> 00:25:55,455 It's nice of her to turn up when we've nearly finished. 489 00:25:55,455 --> 00:25:58,723 At the end of the day, I can forgive you for the negging, 490 00:25:58,723 --> 00:26:01,535 for the petty theft and the desecration of my penguin tableau - 491 00:26:01,535 --> 00:26:03,263 I know that was you, Liz - 492 00:26:03,263 --> 00:26:06,043 but what I can't forgive... She's seen the carpet. 493 00:26:06,043 --> 00:26:07,295 ..is myself, 494 00:26:07,295 --> 00:26:10,687 for not rolling up my sleeves and saving goddamn Christmas. 495 00:26:10,687 --> 00:26:13,843 Because this isn't about us. 496 00:26:13,843 --> 00:26:20,927 It's about the kids. 497 00:26:20,927 --> 00:26:24,575 Budge up, Anne. 498 00:26:24,575 --> 00:26:26,943 Kev, would you get a photo of this for my Insta? 499 00:26:26,943 --> 00:26:34,303 SOLO CHORISTER: Once in royal David's city 500 00:26:34,303 --> 00:26:42,943 Stood a lowly cattle shed 501 00:26:42,943 --> 00:26:50,323 Where a mother laid her baby 502 00:26:50,323 --> 00:26:59,327 In a manger for his bed 503 00:26:59,327 --> 00:27:07,007 Mary was that mother mild 504 00:27:07,007 --> 00:27:18,335 Jesus Christ her little child 505 00:27:18,335 --> 00:27:26,719 CHOIR:He came down to Earth from heaven 506 00:27:26,719 --> 00:27:32,803 Who is God and Lord of all... 507 00:27:32,803 --> 00:27:36,163 CAR HORN BEEPS 508 00:27:36,163 --> 00:27:45,407 And his shelter was a stable 509 00:27:45,407 --> 00:27:54,303 And his cradle was a stall 510 00:27:54,303 --> 00:28:03,903 With the poor and mean and lowly 511 00:28:03,903 --> 00:28:15,423 Lived on Earth our saviour holy... 512 00:28:15,423 --> 00:28:18,883 I'm sorry I stole your husband, Vivian. 513 00:28:18,883 --> 00:28:28,031 We shall see him but in heaven 514 00:28:28,031 --> 00:28:36,763 Set at God's right hand on high 515 00:28:36,763 --> 00:28:45,439 When like stars his children crowned 516 00:28:45,439 --> 00:28:50,083 All in white 517 00:28:50,083 --> 00:29:00,543 Shall wait around. 518 00:29:00,543 --> 00:29:05,563 CHILDREN'S FOOTSTEPS Mummy, Santa's been! 519 00:29:05,613 --> 00:29:10,163 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40701

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