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00:00:04,095 --> 00:00:06,463
This story's about a wonderful night
with a baby, a manger
2
00:00:06,463 --> 00:00:07,679
and a bright, shining light,
3
00:00:07,679 --> 00:00:09,343
when Mary and Joseph
arrived in Nazareth
4
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,135
and Jesus, our Lord,
took his first breath.
5
00:00:11,135 --> 00:00:12,927
CHILDREN SING SILENT NIGHT
Where's yours?
6
00:00:12,927 --> 00:00:15,615
King Herod - in front of the Viking.
7
00:00:15,615 --> 00:00:18,883
He looks like Hugh Hefner.
Yes! That's who it is.
8
00:00:18,883 --> 00:00:20,031
Ssh!
9
00:00:20,031 --> 00:00:21,643
You really smell of booze, Meg,
10
00:00:21,643 --> 00:00:23,743
you smell like the carpet
at Wetherspoon's.
11
00:00:23,743 --> 00:00:26,943
I got taken out by some clients
for a worky, boozy, brunchy -
12
00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:31,039
mainly boozy - booze-up brunch.
I love Christmas corporates!
13
00:00:31,039 --> 00:00:35,327
Guys, please pipe down!
I'm trying to watch.
14
00:00:35,327 --> 00:00:38,143
Spoiler alert,
Joseph's not the father.
15
00:00:38,143 --> 00:00:40,511
BABY CRIES
16
00:00:40,511 --> 00:00:42,175
Sorry. Sorry.
17
00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:44,607
What's up with you? Early menopause?
18
00:00:44,607 --> 00:00:47,615
I promised my girls
I'd wear my Christmas jumper.
19
00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:51,647
It's like a wet T-shirt competition
underneath here.
20
00:00:51,647 --> 00:00:59,007
HE PLAYS SILENT NIGHT
21
00:00:59,007 --> 00:01:03,295
Goodness! He's very good, isn't he?
Well, yeah. That's Mr Washbourne.
22
00:01:03,295 --> 00:01:08,803
Eh?He used to be in the band
Toploader before he became a TA.
23
00:01:08,803 --> 00:01:12,895
He's got a tattoo of an eagle
on his thigh.
24
00:01:12,895 --> 00:01:38,083
I follow him on Facebook.
25
00:01:38,083 --> 00:01:40,287
Wasn't that fab?
26
00:01:40,287 --> 00:01:42,783
Well done, Year 6!
27
00:01:42,783 --> 00:01:44,575
Who's up for an encore?
28
00:01:44,575 --> 00:01:46,751
Hell, yeah! Whoo!
29
00:01:46,751 --> 00:01:57,887
HE PLAYS JOY TO THE WORLD
30
00:01:57,887 --> 00:02:01,023
Manus was great, wasn't he,
as Harry Potter?
31
00:02:01,023 --> 00:02:03,647
He was an orphan time-travelling
schoolboy narrator, Anne.
32
00:02:03,647 --> 00:02:05,183
I don't remember that bit
in the Bible.
33
00:02:05,183 --> 00:02:07,103
Mr Barrett wrote the part
especially for him.
34
00:02:07,103 --> 00:02:09,087
I think there could be
a future for him in acting.
35
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:12,095
He's just got that confidence,
you know. Not the annoying kind.
36
00:02:12,095 --> 00:02:15,883
Guys, guys, guys, quick Q!
Has anyone heard of Mein Kraft?
37
00:02:15,883 --> 00:02:18,687
My girls are asking for it
for Christmas.ALL:Yes.
38
00:02:18,687 --> 00:02:21,311
It's Minecraft, Kevin.Yeah,
that's what I said, Mein Kraft.
39
00:02:21,311 --> 00:02:24,403
Minecraft, not Mein Kraft. It's not
German - Hitler didn't write it.
40
00:02:24,403 --> 00:02:26,815
My Charlie's obsessed with it.
I don't know why.
41
00:02:26,815 --> 00:02:29,247
It's just building stuff,
it's educational.
42
00:02:29,247 --> 00:02:31,243
Charlie wants to be an architect
because of it,
43
00:02:31,243 --> 00:02:34,367
or a potion maker -
he hasn't decided yet.Oh, great.
44
00:02:34,367 --> 00:02:36,543
Well, obviously,
I'm going to play it all first
45
00:02:36,543 --> 00:02:39,043
to make sure there's no misogyny
or casual drug references.
46
00:02:39,043 --> 00:02:42,303
You know you can't play
all of Minecraft, yeah?Hm?
47
00:02:42,303 --> 00:02:45,763
Never mind. What's the plan, pub?
I need a booze boost.
48
00:02:45,763 --> 00:02:48,575
Guys, I thought
we were going to the Living Nativity
49
00:02:48,575 --> 00:02:50,083
as an end-of-term treat.
50
00:02:50,083 --> 00:02:51,327
Mm...Nah.
51
00:02:51,327 --> 00:02:56,703
There's a mulled wine stall?
Ooh! I love a mulled wine!
52
00:02:56,703 --> 00:03:06,431
Come on!
53
00:03:06,431 --> 00:03:08,607
I don't know about you
but, any time I see a big crowd,
54
00:03:08,607 --> 00:03:10,271
it makes me think
of a terrorist attack.
55
00:03:10,271 --> 00:03:12,127
And a happy Christmas to you too,
Anne.
56
00:03:12,127 --> 00:03:14,943
Was there this much of a queue at
the original nativity, do you think?
57
00:03:14,943 --> 00:03:18,591
I don't know. Ask Amanda. I'm pretty
sure she was there.Very funny, Liz!
58
00:03:18,591 --> 00:03:22,431
Hey, I heard there's going to be
a rabbit you can pat.One rabbit?
59
00:03:22,431 --> 00:03:26,527
One rabbit for all these kids
going in and out? Jesus Christ!
60
00:03:26,527 --> 00:03:28,767
How many pats can one rabbit take?
61
00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:30,763
Er, 200.Eh?
62
00:03:30,763 --> 00:03:33,823
Roughly speaking,
200 pats or 15 minutes' worth
63
00:03:33,823 --> 00:03:37,023
of heavy patting
is a rabbit's limit.
64
00:03:37,023 --> 00:03:39,327
Do you think Anne patted
a rabbit to death?
65
00:03:39,327 --> 00:03:41,631
Yeah, that's why
she had to leave Ireland.
66
00:03:41,631 --> 00:03:44,803
Oh, guys, before I forget -
Christmas Eve, 7pm,
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00:03:44,803 --> 00:03:46,943
I'm having a little
festive gathering chez moi.
68
00:03:46,943 --> 00:03:49,963
I've only got
one stiffy invite left.
69
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:54,111
Actually, it's officially for
Meggie.Oh, thank you!There you go.
70
00:03:54,111 --> 00:03:55,455
It's got your name on it there.
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00:03:55,455 --> 00:03:57,823
The rest of you just
take down the deets, yeah?
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00:03:57,823 --> 00:04:01,087
MAN:Next family, please.
Charming!Come on!
73
00:04:01,087 --> 00:04:04,543
Give us a look at your stiffy, then.
"Amanda's annual Christmas drinkies.
74
00:04:04,543 --> 00:04:08,383
"Dress code - tinsel and tiaras.
Bring a gift for Evil Santa.
75
00:04:08,383 --> 00:04:11,135
"Real champagne 6-7,
Cava thereafter."
76
00:04:11,135 --> 00:04:13,247
I'm not going to
her anal Christmas drinkies
77
00:04:13,247 --> 00:04:15,935
if she's not giving me a stiffy.
Who has a party on Christmas Eve?
78
00:04:15,935 --> 00:04:18,431
The night before Christmas
and you're cooking and cleaning,
79
00:04:18,431 --> 00:04:19,967
making up the beds, folding towels -
80
00:04:19,967 --> 00:04:22,527
your big towels, your small towels,
your hand towels...
81
00:04:22,527 --> 00:04:25,215
Are Paul's parents staying over?
Yes, yes, yes, they are.
82
00:04:25,215 --> 00:04:28,243
The rest of his family arrive on
Boxing Day, so both days are awful.
83
00:04:28,243 --> 00:04:30,335
I mean, basically,
I'm a Christmas servant.
84
00:04:30,335 --> 00:04:31,963
Well, Christmas isn't Christmas
85
00:04:31,963 --> 00:04:33,763
without a bit of family politics,
is it?
86
00:04:33,763 --> 00:04:37,003
Who's going to have the last sprout?
Why did you pull my cracker?
87
00:04:37,003 --> 00:04:40,255
Who's going to clean up after
Jill's grandad's used the toilet?
88
00:04:40,255 --> 00:04:43,647
I'm taxiing over to Jill's mum's
very early on Christmas morning
89
00:04:43,647 --> 00:04:47,743
with the turkey, potatoes,
cauliflower cheese, spiced beef,
90
00:04:47,743 --> 00:04:51,163
pigs in blankets, the ham,
cheese board - the full caboodle.
91
00:04:51,163 --> 00:04:53,695
Then basically all I have to do is
head over and serve it.
92
00:04:53,695 --> 00:04:55,615
And wash up.What does Jill do?
93
00:04:55,615 --> 00:04:59,135
She fills a bowl with Quality
Street - best bit of the day.
94
00:04:59,135 --> 00:05:01,375
Lee's got the kids this year,
so that's that.
95
00:05:01,375 --> 00:05:02,847
Christmas can get fucked.
96
00:05:02,847 --> 00:05:06,303
Is Sam the shepherd not coming
down to worship at your manger?
97
00:05:06,303 --> 00:05:09,695
Guys, heads up -
not a real reindeer.
98
00:05:09,695 --> 00:05:13,151
I've been to Lapland.
It's at best a Muntjac.
99
00:05:13,151 --> 00:05:15,967
At worst,
an Alsatian with a strap-on.
100
00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:22,559
JULIA LAUGHS
101
00:05:22,559 --> 00:05:39,583
PHONE RINGS
102
00:05:39,583 --> 00:05:42,883
Jesus! Who puts a quarter
of an onion in the fridge?
103
00:05:42,883 --> 00:05:44,959
We brought some bits and pieces
from our fridge
104
00:05:44,959 --> 00:05:59,871
that would have gone off -
thought they might be of use.
105
00:05:59,871 --> 00:06:04,735
PHONE RINGS
106
00:06:04,735 --> 00:06:08,255
What?I've been in this queue
for nearly 25 minutes.Ah!
107
00:06:08,255 --> 00:06:11,455
What absolute shit are you
going to panic buy me this year?
108
00:06:11,455 --> 00:06:18,815
Another apron that says, "Bitch,
I'm the secret ingredient"?No...
109
00:06:18,815 --> 00:06:22,463
Hey, can you just ask Dad
if Mum needs a new epilady?
110
00:06:22,463 --> 00:06:24,643
My God! Why can't you?
111
00:06:24,643 --> 00:06:31,551
You know he never answers his phone.
112
00:06:31,551 --> 00:06:34,243
Geoff!Geoff!Geoff!
113
00:06:34,243 --> 00:06:36,287
LOUDER: Geoff!
114
00:06:36,287 --> 00:06:40,127
Paul wants to know, does Elizabeth
need a new epilady?What?
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00:06:40,127 --> 00:06:42,815
LOUDER: Does Elizabeth
need a new epilady?
116
00:06:42,815 --> 00:06:47,231
Do you need a new epilady,
Elizabeth?No.No.No.
117
00:06:47,231 --> 00:06:51,455
Shit! OK, OK, um, what about
a Michael Kors clutch?
118
00:06:51,455 --> 00:06:53,823
Or a massive suitcase?
119
00:06:53,823 --> 00:06:57,763
Oh, Julia, do you have any Sellotape
and scissors?
120
00:06:57,763 --> 00:06:59,803
Right, yes, fine.
121
00:06:59,803 --> 00:07:02,463
You don't need to worry
about wrapping paper -
122
00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:08,323
we recycled all ours from last year.
123
00:07:08,323 --> 00:07:13,663
Um... Are we eating today?Hey?
124
00:07:13,663 --> 00:07:16,735
It's Christmas Eve, Geoff!
125
00:07:16,735 --> 00:07:19,487
Nobody eats on...
There's food everywhere!
126
00:07:19,487 --> 00:07:21,535
Just peel a satsuma, crack a nut.
127
00:07:21,535 --> 00:07:25,887
Tuck into a quarter of an onion,
you coffin-dodging old shit!Julia?
128
00:07:25,887 --> 00:07:34,783
Could you pop the kettle on?
I left the cups on the counter.
129
00:07:34,783 --> 00:07:38,495
PHONE RINGS
130
00:07:38,495 --> 00:07:39,583
What?
131
00:07:39,583 --> 00:07:45,087
Would you like an Antony Worrall
Thompson salt pig signed by him?No.
132
00:07:45,087 --> 00:07:48,287
OK, what about Jaeger sockettes?
Ted Baker sunglasses?
133
00:07:48,287 --> 00:07:50,015
Julia, where are all the towels?
134
00:07:50,015 --> 00:07:53,215
I can only find the crispy ones
you use for the dogs.
135
00:07:53,215 --> 00:07:55,007
It's like drying myself
on a Weetabix.
136
00:07:55,007 --> 00:07:56,159
OK, well, give me a minute.
137
00:07:56,159 --> 00:07:59,423
I'll just pop down to Harrods and
purchase you a cashmere bath sheet.
138
00:07:59,423 --> 00:08:00,703
Oh, Julia!
139
00:08:00,703 --> 00:08:05,183
No, because I live to serve and I
just have all this to do, all this!
140
00:08:05,183 --> 00:08:08,083
If you just give me
nine hours to spirit up Christmas,
141
00:08:08,083 --> 00:08:10,431
and then I can
dust off my towel loom
142
00:08:10,431 --> 00:08:13,963
and weave you one from the hair
from a baby's arsehole!
143
00:08:13,963 --> 00:08:15,551
All right, Julia.
144
00:08:15,551 --> 00:08:44,863
I'll use one of the crispy ones, hm?
145
00:08:44,863 --> 00:08:48,895
OK, guys,
I'm just popping out to kill myself!
146
00:08:48,895 --> 00:08:50,815
I would put my head in the oven,
147
00:08:50,815 --> 00:08:55,003
but there's a turkey the size
of a chubby toddler in there.
148
00:08:55,003 --> 00:08:59,135
See ya!
149
00:08:59,135 --> 00:09:02,975
Is my tea ready, Julia?
150
00:09:02,975 --> 00:09:05,215
Can't you just tether
some reindeer to the front
151
00:09:05,215 --> 00:09:07,135
and drag your van to London?
152
00:09:07,135 --> 00:09:09,403
Yeah, it's hard to get
reindeer roadside recovery
153
00:09:09,403 --> 00:09:11,487
at the best of times,
let alone on Christmas Eve.
154
00:09:11,487 --> 00:09:15,071
You got my bloody hopes up.
Well, look, if it's any consolation,
155
00:09:15,071 --> 00:09:17,567
it looks like I'll be spending
my Christmas Day in a lay-by.
156
00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:20,703
KNOCKING
Hold on.
157
00:09:20,703 --> 00:09:23,839
JULIA:Lizzie! Lizzie!
158
00:09:23,839 --> 00:09:25,695
I'll call you back.
159
00:09:25,695 --> 00:09:26,847
Yo!
160
00:09:26,847 --> 00:09:30,303
So I've run away from home so that
we can go to Amanda's anal party.
161
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:34,655
Oh, no, no!Yes. Please!No!Please!
No, I'm not in the mood!
162
00:09:34,655 --> 00:09:37,663
Sam's not coming now,
so I'm just going to start wallowing
163
00:09:37,663 --> 00:09:40,671
in my own shitty Shitmas without
the kids and watch Hereditary again.
164
00:09:40,671 --> 00:09:42,975
Please, Lizzie!No!I just really...
165
00:09:42,975 --> 00:09:46,303
I want to go somewhere where I don't
have to tidy up or pay! Please!
166
00:09:46,303 --> 00:09:49,055
If you're a good girl, I'll give you
a big snog under the mistletoe.
167
00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:54,047
PHONES CHIME
168
00:09:54,047 --> 00:09:57,951
JULIA CHUCKLES
169
00:09:57,951 --> 00:10:01,407
I hate you! All right.
170
00:10:01,407 --> 00:10:04,415
It took me hours to build up
my Minecraft Homestead.
171
00:10:04,415 --> 00:10:08,383
I had, like, a room for my horse,
I had a couple of cows,
172
00:10:08,383 --> 00:10:11,583
I had a waterfall,
then your Charlie joined the party,
173
00:10:11,583 --> 00:10:13,823
I showed him round,
and he just went nuts
174
00:10:13,823 --> 00:10:16,767
and set fire to the annexe
I'd made for the pigs,
175
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:18,883
so I went to his place
and did the same.
176
00:10:18,883 --> 00:10:21,887
Oh, put it away, Kev!
You're not eight!
177
00:10:21,887 --> 00:10:24,703
Oh, dear!
178
00:10:24,703 --> 00:10:26,495
Do you think it's a Banksy?
179
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,863
How disappointing!
180
00:10:28,863 --> 00:10:32,383
Who would do something so nasty?
181
00:10:32,383 --> 00:10:33,663
Was it you?
182
00:10:33,663 --> 00:10:37,759
I wouldn't use that font!
183
00:10:37,759 --> 00:10:49,023
Right, come on. We're going to
miss all the real champagne.
184
00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:53,823
Mm!
185
00:10:53,823 --> 00:10:56,895
Oh! Welcome, welcome!
Shoes off, please.
186
00:10:56,895 --> 00:11:00,735
Oh, I have a fungal infection.
Merry Christmas.
187
00:11:00,735 --> 00:11:03,359
Gosh, Amanda,
this is absolutely stunning!Yeah.
188
00:11:03,359 --> 00:11:05,563
It's actually
for my Higa Tiga website shoot.
189
00:11:05,563 --> 00:11:08,323
Everything with a price tag is from
my shop, and for sale.
190
00:11:08,323 --> 00:11:11,103
Oh, my God!
That is absolutely mahoosive!
191
00:11:11,103 --> 00:11:14,367
Was that gifted
by the people of Norway?
192
00:11:14,367 --> 00:11:15,775
No, actually, no.
193
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:18,335
Now,
if you have been to my dos before,
194
00:11:18,335 --> 00:11:20,323
you will know
I have a strict schedule.
195
00:11:20,323 --> 00:11:23,455
Evil Santa's at seven followed
by carols by scented candlelight.
196
00:11:23,455 --> 00:11:26,719
Anne is manning the bar, there is a
patio area outside for mulled wine.
197
00:11:26,719 --> 00:11:28,575
Please, no dark drinks
inside the house.
198
00:11:28,575 --> 00:11:30,175
Otherwise, kick back,
have fun, guys!
199
00:11:30,175 --> 00:11:32,415
PHONE CHIMES
200
00:11:32,415 --> 00:11:35,443
Oh, my goodness! Those little sods!
201
00:11:35,443 --> 00:11:37,279
They've kidnapped my llamas!
202
00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:41,119
It's the pussy posse! And Kevin!
203
00:11:41,119 --> 00:11:42,527
And Kevin!
204
00:11:42,527 --> 00:11:44,203
Minecraft.Oh.
205
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,763
Can you believe all this shit?
206
00:11:45,763 --> 00:11:47,583
I mean, who has a Christmas hippo?
207
00:11:47,583 --> 00:11:51,103
That hippo completely sums up
why I fucking hate Christmas.
208
00:11:51,103 --> 00:11:55,135
Pornstar Martini, Pornstar Martini?
Why is it called a Pornstar Martini?
209
00:11:55,135 --> 00:11:57,567
Because it relaxes your anus.
Oh, God!Mmm!
210
00:11:57,567 --> 00:11:59,039
BELL RINGS
211
00:11:59,039 --> 00:12:03,455
Evil Santa time!
212
00:12:03,455 --> 00:12:07,487
OK. Sh-sh-sh! Everyone! OK.
213
00:12:07,487 --> 00:12:10,723
So, FYI, this is like a really fun
take on Secret Santa -
214
00:12:10,723 --> 00:12:14,015
you get to swap your pressies
if you don't like them,
215
00:12:14,015 --> 00:12:16,383
whether the other person
wants to or not.
216
00:12:16,383 --> 00:12:21,183
Ouch! OK, so, has everyone
put their pressies in?No.
217
00:12:21,183 --> 00:12:24,643
No-one told me about Evil Santa.
Well, it was on the invite, Liz.
218
00:12:24,643 --> 00:12:26,815
I didn't get an invite.OK.
219
00:12:26,815 --> 00:12:31,295
I guess, just watch,
but please don't try and join in.
220
00:12:31,295 --> 00:12:34,303
OK.
221
00:12:34,303 --> 00:12:38,207
Bad luck if you get picked first.
222
00:12:38,207 --> 00:12:42,047
Oh, that's me. Oh, well.
223
00:12:42,047 --> 00:12:48,575
What's it going to be?
224
00:12:48,575 --> 00:12:49,727
Oh!
225
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:52,243
Oh, what's that?
226
00:12:52,243 --> 00:12:53,951
Oh!
227
00:12:53,951 --> 00:12:56,767
A candle from Higa Tiga.
228
00:12:56,767 --> 00:12:59,135
Love it! Great. That worked out.
229
00:12:59,135 --> 00:13:03,487
I'm thrilled. OK, who is next?
Who's it going to be?
230
00:13:03,487 --> 00:13:04,963
Anne.Oh!
231
00:13:04,963 --> 00:13:06,943
Come on, Anne!
232
00:13:06,943 --> 00:13:09,695
Have a look. Come on!
233
00:13:09,695 --> 00:13:14,687
Move it, move it!
What is it? What is it?
234
00:13:14,687 --> 00:13:16,223
What is that?Oh, that's me.
235
00:13:16,223 --> 00:13:22,175
It's quarter of an onion -
my in-laws brought it.
236
00:13:22,175 --> 00:13:25,003
Don't you dare swap that
with my lovely candle!
237
00:13:25,003 --> 00:13:27,167
No.OK. Yeah.
238
00:13:27,167 --> 00:13:30,239
Well, yeah, I need a bit of onion
for my bread sauce anyway, so...
239
00:13:30,239 --> 00:13:34,079
That's the spirit, Anne!
Off you go! OK. Who's next?
240
00:13:34,079 --> 00:13:37,123
Let's have a look.
Ooh! Julia, come along!
241
00:13:37,123 --> 00:13:41,203
Here we go! Come on.
242
00:13:41,203 --> 00:13:45,215
SHE LAUGHS
243
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:48,607
Lemon squeezer.It's Lakeland.Hey?
244
00:13:48,607 --> 00:13:50,783
Don't you dare try
and swap that for my lovely candle.
245
00:13:50,783 --> 00:13:53,023
Well, obviously, I will.
I don't want a lemon squeezer.
246
00:13:53,023 --> 00:13:54,763
It's Lakeland.No!Yes.
247
00:13:54,763 --> 00:13:58,143
Julia, it's my party.But you
said... You said that's the point.
248
00:13:58,143 --> 00:14:00,523
It's from my shop.You outlined
at the beginning that...
249
00:14:00,523 --> 00:14:03,403
Sweetheart, you're embarrassing us.
The clue's in the name, isn't it?
250
00:14:03,403 --> 00:14:07,935
Julia!So the candle.Stop it,
stop it, stop it, stop it!
251
00:14:07,935 --> 00:14:10,003
Thank you.
252
00:14:10,003 --> 00:14:13,723
Thanks, Anne. OK. Ah! Kevin!
253
00:14:13,723 --> 00:14:15,763
Where is Kevin? Kevin?
254
00:14:15,763 --> 00:14:18,431
I'll go and get him. Kevin?
255
00:14:18,431 --> 00:14:21,567
OK, I'll pop his name back in. Er...
256
00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:27,455
Claire!Yeah.Come on, Claire!
257
00:14:27,455 --> 00:14:31,243
DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH PLAYS
258
00:14:31,243 --> 00:14:36,927
Fucking hell!
259
00:14:36,927 --> 00:14:40,639
Oh, hey. Don't let me drink
too much.How much is too much?
260
00:14:40,639 --> 00:14:42,943
Well, I need to stay
on the right side of hungover
261
00:14:42,943 --> 00:14:44,415
to deal with tomorrow.Really?
262
00:14:44,415 --> 00:14:46,243
God, I thought your Christmas
would be perfect.
263
00:14:46,243 --> 00:14:50,687
No, cos we always have
Bill's ex-wife, Vivian, over.
264
00:14:50,687 --> 00:14:53,503
She's driving up
from Salisbury tonight.Gosh!
265
00:14:53,503 --> 00:14:55,871
That sounds very grown-up
and functional.
266
00:14:55,871 --> 00:14:59,803
No, it's shit
because I stole her husband!
267
00:14:59,803 --> 00:15:02,847
Bill left her for me.
268
00:15:02,847 --> 00:15:05,215
And she's
so fucking gracious about it.
269
00:15:05,215 --> 00:15:08,927
I'd rather deal with a hangover
than Vivian's kind, forgiving face.
270
00:15:08,927 --> 00:15:12,895
OK, well, here's to your shitty
functional Christmas, then.
271
00:15:12,895 --> 00:15:15,455
Get that down you. Chin-chin, dear!
272
00:15:15,455 --> 00:15:20,323
Kevin?
273
00:15:20,323 --> 00:15:24,043
This house is sapping any joy
I had left in my soul.
274
00:15:24,043 --> 00:15:26,527
You know the toilet plays
Ding Dong Merrily On High?
275
00:15:26,527 --> 00:15:29,023
Did you leave a yule log in it?
I mean, who's it all for?
276
00:15:29,023 --> 00:15:31,263
It's for us so that we all know
that Amanda's winning.
277
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:32,563
It makes you want to volunteer
278
00:15:32,563 --> 00:15:34,527
at a homeless shelter or something,
doesn't it?
279
00:15:34,527 --> 00:15:36,767
I definitely would
if I didn't have the kids.
280
00:15:36,767 --> 00:15:38,367
And I was a nicer person.
281
00:15:38,367 --> 00:15:39,583
And I could be arsed.
282
00:15:39,583 --> 00:15:42,463
Right, who wants to have a snoop
through Amanda's Christmas drawers?
283
00:15:42,463 --> 00:15:46,303
Ooh! Yeah.
284
00:15:46,303 --> 00:15:47,923
Ooh!
285
00:15:47,923 --> 00:15:49,375
Wow!
286
00:15:49,375 --> 00:15:52,191
I didn't know Amanda was
related to Barbara Cartland.Oh!
287
00:15:52,191 --> 00:15:55,327
This is just the kind of bedroom
I imagined losing my virginity in.
288
00:15:55,327 --> 00:15:58,527
Rather than the fourth storey
of an NCP car park?
289
00:15:58,527 --> 00:16:01,855
Actually, it was a tent
at the Reading Festival.
290
00:16:01,855 --> 00:16:03,163
I don't want to slut shame,
291
00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:05,567
but nothing says slag
like mistletoe in a bedroom.
292
00:16:05,567 --> 00:16:09,343
Oh, my God! Kevin,
what are you doing down there?!
293
00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:10,687
Mein Kraft!
294
00:16:10,687 --> 00:16:12,095
I'm mid-raid, I'm mid-raid.
295
00:16:12,095 --> 00:16:14,271
Filthy little boy!Ho, ho, ho!
296
00:16:14,271 --> 00:16:17,535
Who wants a festive goblet
of mulled wine?
297
00:16:17,535 --> 00:16:19,647
Meg, are you mad?
Did you miss the memo?What?
298
00:16:19,647 --> 00:16:21,695
No dark drinks in the house!
299
00:16:21,695 --> 00:16:24,127
Really? Why?The carpet, woman!
Oh, my God!
300
00:16:24,127 --> 00:16:27,283
Who does that? Why has she got
a white carpet?
301
00:16:27,283 --> 00:16:29,375
I hate millimalism! Mizimalism...!
302
00:16:29,375 --> 00:16:31,807
Give it to me.
I'll put it in the en-suite.
303
00:16:31,807 --> 00:16:33,791
OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
304
00:16:33,791 --> 00:16:35,967
Ooh!
305
00:16:35,967 --> 00:16:39,743
Careful, Kevin!Oh, God!
306
00:16:39,743 --> 00:16:42,403
ALL: No!
Ooh!
307
00:16:42,403 --> 00:16:43,775
MEG LAUGHS
308
00:16:43,775 --> 00:16:48,063
Oh, my God!
309
00:16:48,063 --> 00:16:49,663
Oh!
310
00:16:49,663 --> 00:16:53,375
Oh, my goodness! Oh, wow!
311
00:16:53,375 --> 00:16:54,783
Did you see that?Yeah!
312
00:16:54,783 --> 00:16:59,711
You were like a cat, Kevin.
High five!Oh!Ooh!
313
00:16:59,711 --> 00:17:04,319
MEG LAUGHS LOUDLY
314
00:17:04,319 --> 00:17:07,135
Oh, my God, the carpet! Get some
towels! Get some wet towels!
315
00:17:07,135 --> 00:17:10,015
Wet towels? That will just
spread it.What do you put on blood?
316
00:17:10,015 --> 00:17:12,575
Is it vinegar?Flour, flour.
White wine, white wine.
317
00:17:12,575 --> 00:17:15,327
We're not making a gravy, Kevin!
Get some bicarbonate of soda!
318
00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:18,783
I'll check the kitchen.Get some
toilet tissue. Tissue, tissue!
319
00:17:18,783 --> 00:17:21,727
I'm so sorry, so sorry.Don't you
be sorry, it's Meg's fault.
320
00:17:21,727 --> 00:17:24,643
I'm sorry!
321
00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:27,679
It's like a crime scene.
I think you've broken my nose.
322
00:17:27,679 --> 00:17:30,943
I think I'm going to be sick. I've
definitely pissed myself.Got it?
323
00:17:30,943 --> 00:17:34,603
Got it. Right.Give it to me.
324
00:17:34,603 --> 00:17:40,095
Oh!Oh, sh...Dust yourself off,
get it on the carpet.
325
00:17:40,095 --> 00:17:43,123
Get it on the carpet!
326
00:17:43,123 --> 00:17:45,343
Pat, pat, pat! Don't rub! Don't rub!
327
00:17:45,343 --> 00:17:47,967
Guys, come on, it's carol o'clock!
328
00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:49,695
Nothing.
329
00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:52,895
Oh, my God!
330
00:17:52,895 --> 00:17:55,723
Are you taking drugs?
331
00:17:55,723 --> 00:17:58,527
Yes.
332
00:17:58,527 --> 00:18:03,839
Yes, we've been sniffing cocaine.
333
00:18:03,839 --> 00:18:06,043
Would you like some?
334
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:08,703
I know I seem pretty chill,
and that's because I am,
335
00:18:08,703 --> 00:18:11,967
but there is a time
and a place, guys, OK?
336
00:18:11,967 --> 00:18:14,563
Not cool.
337
00:18:14,563 --> 00:18:22,527
Not cool at all.
338
00:18:22,527 --> 00:18:29,055
And get out of my daughter's
bedroom!OK.Yeah, OK, sorry, yeah.
339
00:18:29,055 --> 00:18:34,495
Oh!
340
00:18:34,495 --> 00:18:37,843
That'll do.Yeah.
341
00:18:37,843 --> 00:18:41,151
Four calling birds,
three French hens
342
00:18:41,151 --> 00:18:42,815
Two turtle doves
343
00:18:42,815 --> 00:18:47,615
And a partridge in a pear tree.
344
00:18:47,615 --> 00:18:50,303
You take the partridge,
you take it out the fridge,
345
00:18:50,303 --> 00:18:52,095
You put in the oven
and you cook it a smidge!
346
00:18:52,095 --> 00:18:53,203
Here we go.
347
00:18:53,203 --> 00:18:55,243
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh
348
00:18:55,243 --> 00:18:57,535
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh
349
00:18:57,535 --> 00:18:59,967
Christmas Day is
baby Jesus' birthday
350
00:18:59,967 --> 00:19:01,631
He lives at the top of the tree
351
00:19:01,631 --> 00:19:02,719
The Christmas tree...
352
00:19:02,719 --> 00:19:07,199
OK, OK, and, on that note, thanks
for coming, everyone, home time.
353
00:19:07,199 --> 00:19:10,847
No, no, no, no, no! I don't want to
go home sober.You're not sober.OK.
354
00:19:10,847 --> 00:19:14,367
Do grab a panettone from
the panettone pyramid. Anne, one.
355
00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:17,375
Anne, are you walking home with us,
love?No, she's helping me clean up.
356
00:19:17,375 --> 00:19:21,919
No, I have things to do -
I'm doing the bins.One, watch her.
357
00:19:21,919 --> 00:19:25,887
OK.Whoopsy!Anne, get the glass.
358
00:19:25,887 --> 00:19:28,127
That's lovely.OK.OK, wonderful.
359
00:19:28,127 --> 00:19:31,455
Good evening.I love you.
That's so sweet.
360
00:19:31,455 --> 00:19:34,143
Thank you!Bye!
361
00:19:34,143 --> 00:19:36,063
Well, that was brilliant!
362
00:19:36,063 --> 00:19:38,047
I feel terrible about the stain.
363
00:19:38,047 --> 00:19:41,631
Everyone back to mine!
It's Christmas Eve, Meg.
364
00:19:41,631 --> 00:19:44,703
Oh, come on, you flaky lightweights,
just one more eggnog!
365
00:19:44,703 --> 00:19:46,623
So I don't have to face Bill's ex.
366
00:19:46,623 --> 00:19:48,671
It's only...
SHE GASPS
367
00:19:48,671 --> 00:19:50,847
Why am I wearing two watches?
368
00:19:50,847 --> 00:19:52,255
What?
369
00:19:52,255 --> 00:19:53,727
No, no, no, no!
370
00:19:53,727 --> 00:19:55,363
Liz, can you call your child
371
00:19:55,363 --> 00:19:57,183
and tell him to stop
raiding my homestead?
372
00:19:57,183 --> 00:19:59,103
He's going to burn it down
and take all my gold!
373
00:19:59,103 --> 00:20:01,791
What's Charlie doing on Minecraft
at this time of night?
374
00:20:01,791 --> 00:20:05,503
Whoa, whoa. What the bloody hell?
Ooh, that's not cool.
375
00:20:05,503 --> 00:20:08,083
Oh, my God!
Who would do such a thing?
376
00:20:08,083 --> 00:20:11,391
Kevin, we saw it earlier.
What? And we didn't do anything?
377
00:20:11,391 --> 00:20:13,247
You were dicking about
on Mein Kampf.
378
00:20:13,247 --> 00:20:16,895
Wait, wait, wait,
we can't leave it up there -
379
00:20:16,895 --> 00:20:20,159
what if a kid sees it
on Christmas morning?
380
00:20:20,159 --> 00:20:22,911
I don't care, Kevin!
I've got a giblet gravy to make!
381
00:20:22,911 --> 00:20:26,623
No, no.Ugh!I'm all for
free speech, but this is BS.
382
00:20:26,623 --> 00:20:28,287
And-and blasphemy.
383
00:20:28,287 --> 00:20:31,167
What do you want us to do, Kevin?
Find some paint and paint over it?
384
00:20:31,167 --> 00:20:34,751
Exactly.Oh, my God.
It's 9:10, Homebase is shut.
385
00:20:34,751 --> 00:20:39,523
That's just details, Liz.
This is what Christmas is all about!
386
00:20:39,523 --> 00:20:43,647
It's parents all over the world
preserving the magical lies
387
00:20:43,647 --> 00:20:47,323
we tell our kids to keep
the spirit of Christmas alive!
388
00:20:47,323 --> 00:20:54,463
And I...I will not stand here
and let this truth be told.
389
00:20:54,463 --> 00:20:56,127
Fine!
390
00:20:56,127 --> 00:20:57,407
Ugh!
391
00:20:57,407 --> 00:21:00,351
OK. OK, fine, Kevin.
392
00:21:00,351 --> 00:21:08,735
Where are we going to find
some paint on Christmas Eve?
393
00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:10,655
Hold on.
Why are there still people here?
394
00:21:10,655 --> 00:21:12,403
I thought they were all leaving.
395
00:21:12,403 --> 00:21:14,815
Maybe there's been
an accident or something.
396
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:17,631
Oh, for God's sake, Kevin.
We've been had.
397
00:21:17,631 --> 00:21:22,303
We've been chucked out of a party
I didn't even want to be at.Right.
398
00:21:22,303 --> 00:21:23,923
SHE KNOCKS
399
00:21:23,923 --> 00:21:27,295
We know you're in there,
so open the door.
400
00:21:27,295 --> 00:21:30,883
SHE KNOCKS AGAIN
Yoo-hoo!
401
00:21:30,883 --> 00:21:38,367
Jesus Christ! Um, nothing.
I'm-I'm doing the bins.
402
00:21:38,367 --> 00:21:42,079
Hey. Er, their taxis didn't turn up.
403
00:21:42,079 --> 00:21:44,639
Bollocks!
You wanted to thin your party out
404
00:21:44,639 --> 00:21:46,303
but didn't have the balls
to tell us.
405
00:21:46,303 --> 00:21:47,803
This is my party.
406
00:21:47,803 --> 00:21:50,527
If I want to vibe on with
my gal pals, that's my prerogative.
407
00:21:50,527 --> 00:21:53,151
So you lied, you just
kicked us out into the snow.
408
00:21:53,151 --> 00:21:55,603
It's not snowing, Julia.
I think you know what I mean.
409
00:21:55,603 --> 00:21:57,823
Is this really Christmas spirit,
goodwill to all men,
410
00:21:57,823 --> 00:21:59,615
peace on Earth, pa-ruppa-pum-pum?
411
00:21:59,615 --> 00:22:04,863
Shame on you, shame on you
and your one invite between three.
412
00:22:04,863 --> 00:22:06,403
Four.Four.
413
00:22:06,403 --> 00:22:10,431
You can have your big,
showy-offy, Christmassy house.
414
00:22:10,431 --> 00:22:12,415
Christmas is not about
your bibbles and bobbles,
415
00:22:12,415 --> 00:22:13,603
and your edible wreaths.
416
00:22:13,603 --> 00:22:17,803
It's not edible.
417
00:22:17,803 --> 00:22:21,823
It's about what is in there,
and there's nothing in your there.
418
00:22:21,823 --> 00:22:25,407
You're like an empty husk,
a mince pie with no mince.
419
00:22:25,407 --> 00:22:27,903
You're a dead Christmas
with no heart!
420
00:22:27,903 --> 00:22:29,119
What?
421
00:22:29,119 --> 00:22:30,403
Goodnight, Julia.
422
00:22:30,403 --> 00:22:34,003
Whoa! Let's just roll back.
Roll back.
423
00:22:34,003 --> 00:22:38,335
Somebody has scrawled, um,
"Santa's not real"
424
00:22:38,335 --> 00:22:40,319
on the Living Nativity.
425
00:22:40,319 --> 00:22:42,303
What if a small child saw that?!
426
00:22:42,303 --> 00:22:45,183
Yes. So what we need is a ladder,
some paint...
427
00:22:45,183 --> 00:22:48,575
What was it you said, Julia?
A dead Christmas with no heart?
428
00:22:48,575 --> 00:22:51,903
Um, did I? Um...
429
00:22:51,903 --> 00:22:54,911
And now...you want my help?
430
00:22:54,911 --> 00:22:56,803
No, not me, not me. The children.
431
00:22:56,803 --> 00:22:59,007
They'll be wandering past
that atrocity
432
00:22:59,007 --> 00:23:02,015
that says Santa's not bloody real!
433
00:23:02,015 --> 00:23:05,855
Is that an apology?
434
00:23:05,855 --> 00:23:12,163
If that's what you need, if that's
what you need, then I'm sorry.
435
00:23:12,163 --> 00:23:14,367
How dare you!
436
00:23:14,367 --> 00:23:16,863
My Christmas does have heart.
And, for your information,
437
00:23:16,863 --> 00:23:18,655
this year I wanted it to be
especially special.
438
00:23:18,655 --> 00:23:20,703
It is my first time hosting
without Johnny,
439
00:23:20,703 --> 00:23:22,751
and probably the last time
in my lovely house,
440
00:23:22,751 --> 00:23:25,003
so I am so sorry I went to such
a lot of effort for you all
441
00:23:25,003 --> 00:23:27,167
and I hope you're happy
because you have ruined it!
442
00:23:27,167 --> 00:23:28,447
How did we ruin it?
443
00:23:28,447 --> 00:23:32,927
MEG:Tim-ber-r-r-r!
444
00:23:32,927 --> 00:23:34,335
MEG LAUGHS
445
00:23:34,335 --> 00:23:35,683
AMANDA GASPS
446
00:23:35,683 --> 00:23:39,327
Didn't anybody film that?
447
00:23:39,327 --> 00:23:41,247
Well, that's that, then.
448
00:23:41,247 --> 00:23:44,447
No! We can't lecture Amanda
on Christmas spirit
449
00:23:44,447 --> 00:23:46,723
and not do something about this.
450
00:23:46,723 --> 00:23:51,295
Yeah, you did go a bit over the top
with the whole pa-ruppa-pum-pum.
451
00:23:51,295 --> 00:23:53,407
METALLIC SCRAPING
452
00:23:53,407 --> 00:23:56,287
Oh, my God! Anne, you little beauty.
KNOCKING ON WINDOW
453
00:23:56,287 --> 00:24:00,447
Don't you dare, Anne!
Don't you dare, Anne!
454
00:24:00,447 --> 00:24:04,287
Go, go, go!
455
00:24:04,287 --> 00:24:06,335
I am calling your husband!
456
00:24:06,335 --> 00:24:09,663
Right, let's get this Christmas
back on feckin' track.
457
00:24:09,663 --> 00:24:11,803
Where's Meg, the lazy bugger?
458
00:24:11,803 --> 00:24:14,335
Oh, God. I hope she's not gone in
with the donkey.
459
00:24:14,335 --> 00:24:15,763
Can't abide donkeys.
460
00:24:15,763 --> 00:24:17,983
I got bit on a school trip
to Skerries.
461
00:24:17,983 --> 00:24:20,863
I was feeding one a fruit pastille
and it bit me under the nipple.
462
00:24:20,863 --> 00:24:22,015
Ooh, Anne!
463
00:24:22,015 --> 00:24:26,111
The priest lifted up my T-shirt
to check the bruise.
464
00:24:26,111 --> 00:24:30,143
It's ironic, because actually,
Anne is French for donkey.
465
00:24:30,143 --> 00:24:33,663
Why's that ironic, Kevin?Well,
it's interesting, then, it's...
466
00:24:33,663 --> 00:24:35,683
It's just an interesting detail.
467
00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:37,247
I think the interesting detail
468
00:24:37,247 --> 00:24:39,523
is that after a donkey
bit Anne on the nipple,
469
00:24:39,523 --> 00:24:42,403
she got molested by a priest.
470
00:24:42,403 --> 00:24:46,527
Hey, guys, come here
and look at this!
471
00:24:46,527 --> 00:24:48,895
Aww! That's nice and cosy.
472
00:24:48,895 --> 00:24:52,671
God love her.Aww.
473
00:24:52,671 --> 00:24:55,743
Wake the fuck up!
474
00:24:55,743 --> 00:25:03,883
O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL PLAYS
475
00:25:03,883 --> 00:25:07,903
Nothing like the smell of fresh
emulsion to see in Christmas Day.
476
00:25:07,903 --> 00:25:09,523
Still got a toilet to unblock
477
00:25:09,523 --> 00:25:14,047
and three massive bags of potatoes
to peel.
478
00:25:14,047 --> 00:25:18,143
Sing in exaltation
479
00:25:18,143 --> 00:25:26,655
Sing, all ye citizens
of heaven above
480
00:25:26,655 --> 00:25:34,363
Glory to God in the highest
481
00:25:34,363 --> 00:25:37,919
O come let us adore him
482
00:25:37,919 --> 00:25:39,583
O come
483
00:25:39,583 --> 00:25:41,375
O come let us adore him
484
00:25:41,375 --> 00:25:43,167
O come
485
00:25:43,167 --> 00:25:44,831
O come let us...
486
00:25:44,831 --> 00:25:48,095
SINGING HIGH MELODY:
Let us adore him
487
00:25:48,095 --> 00:25:53,087
Christ the Lord!
488
00:25:53,087 --> 00:25:55,455
It's nice of her to turn up
when we've nearly finished.
489
00:25:55,455 --> 00:25:58,723
At the end of the day,
I can forgive you for the negging,
490
00:25:58,723 --> 00:26:01,535
for the petty theft and the
desecration of my penguin tableau -
491
00:26:01,535 --> 00:26:03,263
I know that was you, Liz -
492
00:26:03,263 --> 00:26:06,043
but what I can't forgive...
She's seen the carpet.
493
00:26:06,043 --> 00:26:07,295
..is myself,
494
00:26:07,295 --> 00:26:10,687
for not rolling up my sleeves
and saving goddamn Christmas.
495
00:26:10,687 --> 00:26:13,843
Because this isn't about us.
496
00:26:13,843 --> 00:26:20,927
It's about the kids.
497
00:26:20,927 --> 00:26:24,575
Budge up, Anne.
498
00:26:24,575 --> 00:26:26,943
Kev, would you get a photo of this
for my Insta?
499
00:26:26,943 --> 00:26:34,303
SOLO CHORISTER:
Once in royal David's city
500
00:26:34,303 --> 00:26:42,943
Stood a lowly cattle shed
501
00:26:42,943 --> 00:26:50,323
Where a mother laid her baby
502
00:26:50,323 --> 00:26:59,327
In a manger for his bed
503
00:26:59,327 --> 00:27:07,007
Mary was that mother mild
504
00:27:07,007 --> 00:27:18,335
Jesus Christ her little child
505
00:27:18,335 --> 00:27:26,719
CHOIR:He came down to Earth
from heaven
506
00:27:26,719 --> 00:27:32,803
Who is God and Lord of all...
507
00:27:32,803 --> 00:27:36,163
CAR HORN BEEPS
508
00:27:36,163 --> 00:27:45,407
And his shelter was a stable
509
00:27:45,407 --> 00:27:54,303
And his cradle was a stall
510
00:27:54,303 --> 00:28:03,903
With the poor and mean and lowly
511
00:28:03,903 --> 00:28:15,423
Lived on Earth
our saviour holy...
512
00:28:15,423 --> 00:28:18,883
I'm sorry I stole your husband,
Vivian.
513
00:28:18,883 --> 00:28:28,031
We shall see him but in heaven
514
00:28:28,031 --> 00:28:36,763
Set at God's right hand on high
515
00:28:36,763 --> 00:28:45,439
When like stars
his children crowned
516
00:28:45,439 --> 00:28:50,083
All in white
517
00:28:50,083 --> 00:29:00,543
Shall wait around.
518
00:29:00,543 --> 00:29:05,563
CHILDREN'S FOOTSTEPS
Mummy, Santa's been!
519
00:29:05,613 --> 00:29:10,163
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