All language subtitles for How.To.Live.With.Your.Parents.S01E08_English

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:03,896 I JUST STARTED MY COURSE ON GLOBAL FEMALE OPPRESSION. 2 00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:05,207 OH. 3 00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,739 SAYS HERE IF YOU BEHAVE THE WAY YOU DO 4 00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:08,714 IN MOST OF THE WORLD, HALF YOUR FACE WOULD BE GONE. 5 00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:12,082 NO, NO, THEY'D LOVE ME EVERYWHERE. (click) 6 00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:13,853 (blows air) 7 00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,581 WELL, IT'S HAPPENED. THEY'RE CHARGING FOR BAGS. 8 00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:18,087 FROM NOW ON, EVERY MEMBER OF THE HOUSEHOLD 9 00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:20,719 WILL BRING THEIR OWN BAG TO THE DRUGSTORE. 10 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:22,364 (Polly) MY STEPFATHER'S COMEDY CLUB BUSINESS 11 00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:24,360 IS BOOMING, SO HE'S CONVINCED THE UNIVERSE 12 00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:27,602 IS GONNA REWARD HIM WITH DEATH. 13 00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,258 I'VE GOT EVERY OVER-THE-COUNTER DIAGNOSTIC TEST 14 00:00:29,297 --> 00:00:31,527 AVAILABLE TO MAN. 15 00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:33,665 EVEN HAD TO FIGHT A CHILD FOR THIS THERMOMETER, 16 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,101 BUT I GOT IT. 17 00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:37,106 GOES UNDER THE ARM, ON THE FOREHEAD, NO ORIFICE. 18 00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,738 WHEN ARE YOU GONNA LEARN THAT THE OTHER SHOE 19 00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,072 IS NEVER GONNA DROP? 20 00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:41,738 SHOES DROP, ELAINE. 21 00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,505 REMEMBER WHEN BILLY CRYSTAL WAS ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW," 22 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:44,884 AND HE MENTIONED MY NAME? 23 00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,082 LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME THE NEXT DAY. 24 00:00:46,114 --> 00:00:47,954 BOOM. TESTICULAR CANCER. 25 00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:50,951 UNIVERSE IS OUT TO GET ME. WE WILL STOP AT NOTHING. 26 00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:53,194 THE UNIVERSE DOESN'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE. 27 00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:55,361 AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT? THE UNIVERSE. 28 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,259 GOD, YOU ARE SO STUBBORN. 29 00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:59,931 I BELIEVE YOU WOULD GET CANCER JUST TO PROVE A POINT. 30 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,630 WELL, IF ONLY IT WAS THAT EASY. 31 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:02,862 MAX, SPEAKING OF MAKING POINTS, 32 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,096 COULD YOU PLEASE STOP 33 00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:05,872 WITH THE MEDICAL PREPAREDNESS E-MAILS? 34 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:09,569 I AM BOTH TOO YOUNG AND TOO OLD TO BE TAKING DAILY BABY ASPIRIN. 35 00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:11,973 LISTEN, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT'S VERY IMPORTANT-- (doorbell rings) 36 00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,905 BE ABLE TO CHECK SOMEBODY TO SEE IF THEY'VE HAD A STROKE. (monitor beeping steadily) 37 00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:16,411 OKAY? THIS IS WHAT YOU DO. YOU INSTRUCT YOUR LOVED ONE 38 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,614 TO SMILE AND STICK THEIR TONGUE OUT. HUH? 39 00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:20,476 LIKE THAT. YOU UNDERSTAND? 40 00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,924 THAT WAY, YOU CAN TELL IF THEY HAVE A FACIAL PARALYSIS OR NOT. 41 00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:26,350 SEE? HUH? GOOD. HUH? HUH? BAD. 42 00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:30,422 HI. ELAINE GREEN? 43 00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:33,258 OH, I JUST LOVE WHEN SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW SAYS MY NAME. 44 00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:35,804 (laughs) MAKES ME FEEL FAMOUS. 45 00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:37,799 (grunting) 46 00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:39,771 SEE, NOW YOU'RE MOCKING ME. 47 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,800 OH, NO, THAT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU. NO, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. 48 00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:44,835 WE'RE BEING SUED. 49 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:47,342 (rapid beeping) WHAT? 50 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:48,505 (long beep) 51 00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:55,946 WHY WOULD BARRY BERMAN SUE US? 52 00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,853 MAX PUT TOGETHER A DEAL TO FILM COMICS FOR TV, 53 00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:00,916 BUT HE NEEDED THEM TO SIGN A CONTRACT. 54 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,664 MY MOM WAS IN CHARGE OF CONTRACTS, 55 00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:05,330 AND SHE MADE HERSELF VICE PRESIDENT OF THE CLUB. 56 00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:06,859 HEY! (speaks indistinctly) 57 00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:08,364 THERE WAS NO PRESIDENT. 58 00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:09,656 I'M VICE PRESIDENT. I KNOW, ELAINE. 59 00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:10,857 YEAH. THANK YOU. 60 00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:12,198 OH, WHAT A FUNNY GUY. 61 00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:13,703 IT'S HAPPENING. (sets down papers) 62 00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:15,774 WE'RE BEING CRUSHED, ELAINE... OKAY. 63 00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,713 BY A GIANT CRUSHING SHOE. 64 00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:20,138 I THOUGHT IT WOULD COME IN THE FORM OF AN AILMENT, 65 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:22,844 BUT THE UNIVERSE DECIDED TO MAKE IT FINANCIAL RUIN. 66 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,676 EXCUSE ME. AS VICE PRESIDENT, 67 00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:27,523 I HAVE LEGAL CONTRACTS 68 00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:29,548 GIVING US OWNERSHIP OF THAT MATERIAL. 69 00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:33,353 THE CONTRACTS. OH, MY GOD. THE PUTZ DOESN'T HAVE A CASE. 70 00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:35,057 THERE'S NO CASE... FOR THE PUTZ. 71 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:36,888 POLLY'S BEDROOM USED TO BE MY OFFICE. 72 00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,734 I'M SURE THEY'RE IN THERE. (exhales deeply) 73 00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:40,889 UH... 74 00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:43,898 WHY DO YOU NEED SO MANY AB-ROLLERS? 75 00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,231 WELL, WHEN YOU TAKE AN AMBIEN, YOU'VE GOT A WINDOW 76 00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,296 IN WHICH YOU CAN EITHER GO TO BED 77 00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:48,204 OR YOU CAN START SHOPPING ONLINE, 78 00:02:48,236 --> 00:02:49,566 SO I STARTED SHOPPING ONLINE-- I DON'T NEED AN ANSWER TO THAT. 79 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:50,873 OKAY, THEY WERE IN THE CLOSET. 80 00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:52,344 I PUT THEM IN THAT SHOPPING BAG 81 00:02:52,373 --> 00:02:54,213 I USED TO USE AS MY IRONIC PURSE. 82 00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:56,482 DID YOU TOUCH ANY IRONIC PURSES? 83 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,150 UH, WELL, I-I NEEDED ROOM FOR ALL MY COLLEGE STUFF, 84 00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,908 AND THERE WAS A BUNCH OF CRAP IN THERE, 85 00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:02,547 SO I JUST THREW IT OUT--THREW OUT IN THE GARBAGE. I THREW IT. 86 00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:05,593 MAYBE NOT. IN ALL THE GARBAGE-- JUST THREW IT OUT. (whispers) OH, GOD. 87 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,149 OKAY, OKAY, EVERYBODY TAKE A DEEP BREATH. 88 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,517 I WASN'T VOTED BEST LIFE COACH 89 00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,916 BY "INSPIRATIONAL MAGAZINE" FOR NOTHING, 90 00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:12,088 SO EVERYBODY... (breathes deeply) THAT WAS A PROMOTIONAL MAGAZINE 91 00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,685 THAT YOU SELF-PUBLISHED. 92 00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:16,157 DON'T BE NEGATIVE! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME? 93 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,726 POLLY, DID YOU SEE A PINK SHOPPING BAG 94 00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:21,026 WITH BOW HANDLES... THE BOW HANDLE ON IT. 95 00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:24,238 AND AN ODDLY SEXUAL CARTOON CAT ON THE FRONT? SEXY CAT ON... 96 00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:31,849 YES, I REMEMBER THAT, AND IT'S GONE. 97 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:35,079 HOW DO YOU FEEL AFTER TAKING US INTO THE ABYSS? ALL RIGHT. 98 00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:37,415 I MEAN, I-I DON'T KNOW. "ABYSS" MIGHT BE A LITTLE... 99 00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:38,421 I NEED TO GO TO THE KITCHEN. 100 00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:40,392 YES. 101 00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:42,921 OH, SO THIS IS MY FAULT? HOW IS THIS MY FAULT? 102 00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:46,126 SO YOU SEE A BAG FULL OF PAPERS, AND YOU DON'T DOUBLE-CHECK 103 00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:47,759 TO SEE WHAT'S INSIDE? WHAT IF IT WAS A BAG OF MONEY? 104 00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:50,355 OH, THIS IS SO MUCH MORE CONSTRUCTIVE THAN FIGHTING. 105 00:03:50,398 --> 00:03:53,298 LET'S ALL THINK ABOUT WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN INSIDE THE BAG. (cabinets opening and closing) 106 00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,574 I'LL GO FIRST. KITTENS! 107 00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:58,113 WHO PUTS IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS INSIDE A SHOPPING BAG 108 00:03:58,138 --> 00:03:59,468 LIKE HOMELESS PEOPLE 109 00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:01,907 AND MENTAL PATIENTS AND REFUGEES? 110 00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:04,212 WHY ARE YOU OPENING EVERY SINGLE CABINET IN THE KITCHEN? 111 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,654 BECAUSE I NEED A CRUNCHY AND SALTY SNACK 112 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,820 TO QUELL THE TIDE OF THIS PANIC. 113 00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,449 ELAINE, WHERE IS THAT, UH, 114 00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:13,324 THE CHEESY POPCORN WITH THE UNEXPECTED KICK? 115 00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,664 BEST CHEESY POPCORN EVER? DENVER AIRPORT. 116 00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:18,589 (bells jingling) HEY, SO YOUR CHRISTMAS PIÑATA NEEDS FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS-- 117 00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:20,656 OH, THEY'RE COVERED. YOU SEE THIS CRAZINESS? 118 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,234 YOU SEE? THIS IS THE DISRESPECT 119 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,773 OF OUR BELONGINGS, OF OUR SPACE, 120 00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:27,639 AND OF THE FACT THAT WE WELCOMED YOU INTO OUR HOME 121 00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:30,638 INTO WHAT HAS BECOME AN INDETERMINATE AMOUNT OF TIME. 122 00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:31,811 (lowered voice) IS WHATEVER THIS MY FAULT? 123 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:33,339 NO. OH, I SEE. 124 00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:35,344 SO THIS IS ABOUT ME LIVING HERE. 125 00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:36,636 I'VE TRIED TO BE A GOOD EXAMPLE TO YOU, POLLY. 126 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:38,847 I AM A MAN OF INTEGRITY, OF DILIGENCE. 127 00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,849 I'M A HARD WORKER. 128 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,821 OKAY, HERE WE GO. MR. PERFECT. 129 00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:46,020 (deep voice) OH, I BRING MY OWN SHOPPING BAGS TO THE DRUGSTORE. 130 00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:48,993 YOU SEE, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, INSTEAD OF USING ME 131 00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:51,532 AS AN EXAMPLE, YOU DEFY ME. YOU KNOW WHY? 132 00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:53,659 BECAUSE YOU'RE SELF-CENTERED. 133 00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:55,534 (pats palms) 134 00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:58,273 OH, I' SELF-CENTERED? UM, THE OTHER DAY 135 00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,368 I SAW YOU SAYING HELLO TO YOURSELF 136 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,170 IN THE MIRROR FOR, LIKE, 20 MINUTES. 137 00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:06,171 (imitates Max) OH, HELLO. HELLO. HI. HI. I'M MAX GREEN. 138 00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:07,836 (crunching) 139 00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:10,535 I WAS PRACTICING BUSINESS VOICES. 140 00:05:10,578 --> 00:05:12,208 BUT IF I WANNA DO VOICES, 141 00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:15,475 I SHOULD HAVE THAT RIGHT TO DO THEM WITHOUT COMMENT, 142 00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:18,216 JUST LIKE I WILL LIVE WITHOUT THE FEAR OF SOMEBODY 143 00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:20,451 THROWING OUT MY IMPORTANT PAPERS 144 00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:23,558 OR--OR--OR USING MY ITEMS WITH TOTAL ABANDON, 145 00:05:23,591 --> 00:05:25,361 LIKE MY MAX MUG. 146 00:05:25,393 --> 00:05:29,403 I MADE THAT FOR YOU. THAT IS MY MUG-- PRECISELY! 147 00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:30,900 NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO CONSIDER DE-ESCALATING. OKAY. 148 00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:32,401 (coughs) (coughs) 149 00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,073 IN MY LIFE COACHING... NOT NOW, ELAINE. 150 00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,701 WE DO THIS EXERCISE. IT'S VERY SPECIAL. MOM. 151 00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:37,736 NOT NOW. WE DON'T WANNA HEAR IT. STAY OUT OF IT! 152 00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:39,371 (Polly and Max shout indistinctly) OH, MY GOD! STOP YELLING! 153 00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:41,707 I LOVE YOU! OH. (exhales) 154 00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:43,842 I ASKED YOU IF IT WAS OKAY IF I STAYED HERE 155 00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,477 WHILE I TOOK COLLEGE CLASSES. 156 00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:46,813 NO, NO. I BEG TO DIFFER. YES. YES. 157 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,677 YOU ANNOUNCED THAT YOU WOULD BE LIVING HERE 158 00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:50,546 WHILE TAKING COLLEGE CLASSES. 159 00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:53,924 SEE, LOOK, HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANNOUNCING AND ASKING. 160 00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:55,224 OH. OKAY. 161 00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:56,915 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ELTON JOHN! 162 00:05:56,957 --> 00:06:00,257 OR... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ELTON JOHN? EW. 163 00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,333 YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GLAD THIS HAPPENED. 164 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:03,732 BECAUSE HAVING YOUR STEPDAD YELL AT YOU 165 00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:05,534 ABOUT HOW YOUR TAMPONS SCREW UP THE PLUMBING 166 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,536 IS NOT MY IDEA OF THE HIGH LIFE. 167 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,198 ALL RIGHT, WHO DOESN'T KNOW THAT ABOUT TAMPONS? AND YOU KNOW WHAT? 168 00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,896 I KINDA THINK THAT MAYBE IT'S TIME TO FACE THE FACT 169 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:12,438 THAT A SINGLE MOTHER IN HER 30s LIVING WITH HER PARENTS... 170 00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:14,513 EASY. IS MAYBE NOT AS FANTASTIC AN IDEA 171 00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,942 AS WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE, SO THANK YOU.... WHO SAID IT WAS FANTASTIC? 172 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,507 SO MUCH... YOU NEEDED HELP. 173 00:06:18,546 --> 00:06:19,876 FOR TAKING ME IN, BUT I REALLY THINK IT'S BEST 174 00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:21,383 THAT I LIVE ON MY OWN. 175 00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:23,545 MY LAPTOP. 176 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:27,692 OKAY, THAT'S... 177 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:31,361 YOU MEAN THIS WHOLE TIME, SHE'S HAD SOMEPLACE ELSE TO LIVE? 178 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:32,861 (Polly) I CAN HEAR YOU! 179 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,133 GOOD! 180 00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:41,126 SO I DID THE EASY PART-- THROWING A FIT 181 00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:42,468 AND STORMING OFF TO MY ROOM. NOW I NEEDED A PLACE TO LIVE. 182 00:06:42,503 --> 00:06:44,203 TWO BEDROOMS, ONE AND A HALF BATHS. 183 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:47,637 IT'S GORGEOUS, AND... TOTALLY OUT OF MY PRICE RANGE. 184 00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:49,775 THERE'S A CRACK HOUSE FOR SALE ON MY BLOCK. 185 00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:53,250 IT'S A TOTAL STEAL IF YOU CAN GET PAST THE CRACKHEADS. 186 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:56,620 CRACKHEADS, YOU SAY? WHAT IS THE PARKING SITUATION? 187 00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,090 I SPENT THE NIGHT IN A CRACK HOUSE. 188 00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:00,288 MY EX TURNED OUT TO BE A CRACKHEAD. 189 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:03,060 NAIVE ME THOUGHT SHE WAS JUST AN UPBEAT ANOREXIC. 190 00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,230 WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE, YOU SEE WHAT YOU WANNA SEE. 191 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,288 THAT IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU. 192 00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:10,097 THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S NOT, I MEAN, SURE, I'M A LITTLE FREAKED OUT 193 00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,630 'CAUSE I HAVE NOT LIVED ALONE IN EVER, 194 00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:13,325 AND, NO, I DO NOT POSSESS THE SKILLS 195 00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:16,066 THAT PEOPLE WHO LIVE ON THEIR OWN POSSESS, AND, YES, 196 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,513 HAVE NOT FIGURED OUT A WAY TO END THIS SPEECH, 197 00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:21,778 BUT... THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE-- BET ON HER, 198 00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:22,979 'CAUSE SHE'S GONNA MAKE IT. 199 00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:24,910 FEELS A LITTLE PAT, BUT I GOT THERE. 200 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:26,475 (door opens, bells jingle) OH, LOOK. 201 00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:28,484 IT'S THE HAPPY COUPLE. 202 00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:33,146 HE GETS HER, AND I SLEEP WITH A PILLOW SHAPED LIKE A WOMAN. 203 00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:35,456 OLIVIA IS THIS GORGEOUS, RICH SHE-LAWYER. 204 00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:37,789 WHEN JULIAN'S WITH ME, HE'S LIKE THIS. 205 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,485 YEAH! UGH. 206 00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:43,197 SEE? URBAN FISHING. NO MORE RELYING ON "THE MAN" FOR FISH. 207 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:45,170 THAT FISH HAS A CONDOM IN ITS MOUTH. 208 00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:47,028 PROBABLY. HE'S A PLAYA. 209 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,697 UM... WHEN HE'S WITH HER, HE'S LIKE THIS. 210 00:07:48,736 --> 00:07:51,506 DO YOU HAVE A NICE MORBIER? BECAUSE WE ARE LOOKING FOR 211 00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:53,709 A CHEESE TO PAIR WITH PEARS. 212 00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:55,311 OH. OH. 213 00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:56,312 OH, OH, OH. 214 00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:57,783 (laughs) 215 00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:00,181 IT WAS JOKE OF THE MONTH IN "GOURMET" MAGAZINE. 216 00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:04,183 SO HOW HAPPY I AM YOU TWO WALKED INTO HERE. WHY DID YOU? OH. 217 00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:05,687 THIS IS CLOSE TO OLIVIA'S, 218 00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:08,359 AND WE'VE BEEN CAMPED OUT THERE ALL WEEKEND. 219 00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,218 ACTUALLY, I HAVEN'T BEEN IN CLOTHES SINCE FRIDAY. 220 00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:11,657 AND SINCE WE'RE PRACTICALLY LIVING TOGETHER, 221 00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:13,692 JULIAN THOUGHT, WHY NOT MAKE IT OFFICIAL? 222 00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,357 I MEAN, I'M WEARING HIS UNDERWEAR. 223 00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:16,395 AH. YEAH. 224 00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:18,029 AND I'M WEARING HERS. 225 00:08:18,065 --> 00:08:20,495 AND I AM WEARING A BATHING SUIT, AS IT'S LAUNDRY DAY, 226 00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,674 SO WE ALL HAVE THINGS TO BRAG ABOUT. 227 00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:24,373 ANYWAY, POLLY, WHY DON'T YOU MOVE INTO MY APARTMENT? 228 00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:26,974 SERIOUSLY. I MEAN, I CAN'T GET OUT OF THE LEASE. 229 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,007 IT'S SUPER CHEAP. I KNOW YOU GOT IN THAT FIGHT WITH MAX. 230 00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:30,712 THIS COULD BE PERFECT. 231 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,914 HOLY CRAP. IT TOTALLY COULD. 232 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:35,376 ISN'T HE THE BEST? OH. 233 00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:37,885 HOW MANY GUYS COULD HELP THEIR EX-WIFE AND DELIGHT 234 00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,388 THEIR... FUTURE WIFE AT THE SAME TIME? 235 00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:43,419 THIS IS... AWESOME! I... ARE YOU SURE? THANK YOU. 236 00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:45,056 YEAH, YEAH. MOVE IN ANYTIME. 237 00:08:45,092 --> 00:08:48,032 I JUST NEED TO STOP BY TO GET MY AMP AND MY FLARES. 238 00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:50,431 OH, HONEY, NOBODY WEARS FLARES ANYMORE. 239 00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:52,573 NO, NO, HE MEANS ACTUAL FLARES. 240 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,840 THIS ONE IS A KEEPER. AW. 241 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,768 YOU KNOW, FOR... YOU. 242 00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:58,114 SO WE MOVED INTO JULIAN'S 243 00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,838 VARIOUS SHADES OF BROWN APARTMENT. 244 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,783 LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, KID. (clicks teeth) 245 00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:03,780 AND HIM. 246 00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:05,851 (squeaking) AAH! 247 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:06,909 CLOSE THE DOOR! 248 00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:08,617 CLOSE IT! CLOSE THE DOOR! 249 00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:10,019 YOU DO IT! I'M THE CHILD! 250 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,220 YES, YOU ARE. (panting) 251 00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:16,094 OKAY, SO THAT WAS HORRIFIC, BUT IT'S OVER. 252 00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:18,693 AND NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS FIND ANOTHER BATHROOM 253 00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:20,956 TO USE FOREVER, WHICH I WILL NOT NEED FOR A WHILE 254 00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,564 BECAUSE I JUST WENT A LITTLE. 255 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,028 MEANWHILE, MAX AND ELAINE SOUGHT SUPPORT 256 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,797 FROM THE GUY WHO MANAGED THE CLUB IN THE '90s. MAX GREEN! 257 00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:32,467 UM, HANG ON. I GOTTA PUT ON SOME PANTS. 258 00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:35,275 HE'S SEEN BETTER TIMES. 259 00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:39,647 WELL... THOSE LOOK DELICIOUS. 260 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,450 TAKE ONE. I MADE IT MYSELF. SURE. SURE. 261 00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:45,392 I REMEMBER. BARRY BERMAN SIGNED THE CONTRACT. 262 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,318 ALL THE COMICS DID. 263 00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:50,464 OH, THANK GOD. YOU JUST SAVED MY LIFE. YEAH. 264 00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:52,130 AND YOU'LL BE WILLING TO TESTIFY TO THAT? 265 00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:53,629 SURE. 266 00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:55,631 FOR A MILLION DOLLARS. 267 00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:58,303 (laughs) 268 00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:01,971 WHAT DID YOU SAY? MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FIRED ME. 269 00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:03,772 YOU WERE STEALING FROM ME. 270 00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,244 MAX, YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND. 271 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:07,842 BACK IN THOSE DAYS, I WAS IN ROUGH SHAPE. 272 00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:09,335 OKAY, ELAINE. WE'RE GOING. OKAY. 273 00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:12,346 YOU KNOW, NIRVANA, I SEE SO MUCH FOR YOU THAN THIS. 274 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,149 (whispers) I'M A LIFE COACH. ELAINE. 275 00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:15,751 CALL ME. 276 00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:19,153 OKAY, THERE SHOULD BE A BIG TUBE UNDER THE PLATE 277 00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:20,686 AT THE BACK. 278 00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:22,521 HA HA! I SEE IT! DOES THAT MAKE FIRE HAPPEN, 279 00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,515 ME SEEING IT? 280 00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:26,487 CAN'T WE GO BACK TO GRANDMA AND GRANDPA'S? (door closes) 281 00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:27,956 DON'T YOU LOVE 'EM? 282 00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,325 OF COURSE I LOVE THEM, 283 00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:30,462 BUT WE WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO LIVE THERE 284 00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:33,527 UNTIL I FOUND A PLACE, AND I DID. 285 00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:37,536 BUT... EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE BUILT ON DEFIANCE 286 00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:40,310 ISN'T AS STURDY AS EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE 287 00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:41,880 BUILT ON LOVE. 288 00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:43,709 HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO GRANDMA? 289 00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:45,684 NOPE. 290 00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:47,723 I MEAN, WE BOTH WANT THE SAME THINGS. 291 00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:49,278 CANDY? 292 00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:52,386 YEAH. AND FOR YOU GUYS TO MOVE BACK IN HERE. 293 00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:55,219 SEE, RIGHT NOW MOMMY AND MAX ARE IN WHAT ADULTS CALL 294 00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:57,015 A PISSING MATCH. 295 00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:59,887 I HAD ONE OF THOSE WITH THIS KID IN PRESCHOOL. OH, YEAH? 296 00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:01,527 IT WASN'T FAIR, 'CAUSE HE'S A BOY. NO. 297 00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:02,701 AND WHERE IS HE NOW? 298 00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:04,160 FIRST GRADE. 299 00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,467 EXACTLY. ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA WORK ON MAX. 300 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,999 YOU WORK ON MOMMY. 301 00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:09,565 WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY TO HER 302 00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:13,142 ABOUT... EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE? 303 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,643 EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE... 304 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,575 IS BETTER IF IT'S BUILT ON LOVE. 305 00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:20,350 AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, WE'LL DO A PRETEND KIDNAPPING. 306 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:22,684 (sighs) 307 00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:24,316 HONEY, I'M SURE YOU MISS THEM, 308 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,721 AND, YOU KNOW, THERE ARE TIMES THAT I WANNA GO BACK, TOO, 309 00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:28,524 BUT WHEN YOU'RE AN ADULT, 310 00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:30,085 YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LIVE ON YOUR OWN 311 00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:32,433 AND DO YOUR LAUNDRY IN A ROOM THAT SMELLS LIKE PEE. 312 00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:38,001 (The Lumineers' "Ho Hey" playing) 313 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,601 MAX STARTED TO WONDER HOW HE COULD TAKE BACK 314 00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:43,073 ALL THE THINGS HE NEVER MEANT TO SAY. 315 00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:45,743 * HO! * SO SHOW ME FAMILY 316 00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:49,043 * HEY! * ALL THE BLOOD THAT I WILL BLEED * 317 00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:51,106 * HO! * I DON'T KNOW WHERE I BELONG 318 00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:54,114 AS FOR ME, NOW THAT I WAS SETTLED, 319 00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:57,217 I COULDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT ALL THE GOOD PARTS. 320 00:11:57,250 --> 00:12:00,290 * I BELONG WITH YOU, YOU BELONG WITH ME * 321 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,760 * YOU'RE MY SWEETHEART 322 00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:05,931 * I BELONG WITH YOU, YOU BELONG WITH ME * 323 00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:07,259 * YOU'RE MY SWEET 324 00:12:07,294 --> 00:12:08,564 * HO! 325 00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:11,600 * HEY! 326 00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:13,231 ** 327 00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:14,766 I WASN'T SURE IF I SHOULD GIVE UP 328 00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:17,812 OR STICK IT OUT AND MAKE EVERYBODY PROUD. 329 00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:22,308 YOU HAVE DONE AN AMAZING JOB. 330 00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,442 I WAS KIND OF HOPING IT WOULD BE A DISASTER 331 00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:25,877 AND YOU'D COME BACK HOME. 332 00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:29,223 I MISS SOMEONE TALKING TO ME IN A FEMALE VOICE. 333 00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,819 MAX TRIED IT ONCE, WENT STRAIGHT DOWN 334 00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:32,991 THAT BAD DRAG QUEEN HIGHWAY. 335 00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,490 HOW IS MAX? 336 00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:35,561 WELL, YOU KNOW, HE'S STRESS EATING 337 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,058 BECAUSE OF THE LAWSUIT, 338 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,490 SO IT'S A LOT OF SWEATPANTS AND SIGHING 339 00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:41,525 AND PRETENDING HE DOESN'T MISS YOU. 340 00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:45,096 (voice breaking) I WASN'T GONNA CRY. 341 00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:47,132 OH, COME ON. YES, YOU WERE. 342 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:48,837 YES, I WAS. 343 00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:51,239 I KNOW THAT YOU LOVE DE-ESCALATING 344 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,471 AND MAKING EVERYTHING BETTER, BUT THIS IS BEST FOR EVERYONE. 345 00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:55,336 JULIAN'S FOUND SOMEONE HE LOVES. 346 00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:58,175 I'M GROWING UP. IT'S LIKE THE NEXT STAGE. (snips) 347 00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:01,411 WELL, I LOVE ANY SENTENCE WITH THE WORD "STAGE" IN IT. 348 00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:02,348 SO... (door closes) 349 00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:03,682 HEY. AHH. 350 00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,486 (Julian) I GUESS THAT'S EVERYTHING. 351 00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:06,988 YOU'RE ADORABLE. SINGLE MOM ON HER OWN. 352 00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:09,190 YOU'RE LIKE A '70s SITCOM. 353 00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:12,362 AND WE OWE IT ALL TO THE TWO OF YOU 354 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,192 AND YOUR CONVENIENT LOVE FOR EACH OTHER. 355 00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:16,857 YEAH. EVERYTHING WORKED OUT PERFECT. 356 00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:19,197 COME ON, JU-JU. LET'S GO HOME. 357 00:13:19,232 --> 00:13:21,602 THERE'S A LOT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY EX-HUSBAND-- 358 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,504 WHY HE COLLECTS VINTAGE CELL PHONES, 359 00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,167 HOW HE WOUND UP IN THIS SITUATION, 360 00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:29,536 BUT WHEN I SAW HIM TURN FROM THAT KISS, 361 00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:31,336 I KNEW HE DIDN'T LOVE OLIVIA, 362 00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:34,048 AND HE WAS ONLY MOVING IN WITH HER FOR ME. 363 00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:36,521 YOU SAW THAT. I SAW YOU SAW THAT. 364 00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:39,389 UGH. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO SEE ME SEE THAT? 365 00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:45,234 SHE TRIED TO KISS HIM, 366 00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,658 AND HE CHEEKED HER. 367 00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:49,133 WELL, MAYBE SHE IS INTO BEARDS. 368 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:52,232 I MEAN, MAYBE HE HIDES FOOD IN THERE. HE USED TO. 369 00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:55,235 WOMEN ARE INTO ALL KINDS OF WEIRD... STUFF. 370 00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:56,698 OH, YOU DON'T WANNA PLAY THE "WEIRD STUFF" GAME WITH ME. 371 00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:59,006 I MEAN, I CAN GO BLUER AND DARKER AND LOWER 372 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,539 THAN YOU CAN EVEN IMAGINE. THAT'S ENOUGH. 373 00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:05,054 THAT'S IT. I'M DONE. HE DOESN'T LOVE HER. 374 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:07,048 YOU SAID THIS WAS ALL PART OF THE NEXT STAGE. 375 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,050 YEAH, WELL, IF HE DOESN'T LOVE HER, 376 00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:11,922 YOUR STAGE IS... ROTTING AND CRUMBLING, 377 00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:13,722 AND CHORUS BOYS ARE FALLING INTO THE PIT. 378 00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:16,223 AND A-ONE AND A-TWO AND... AAH! 379 00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:18,356 YOU ARE JUST SAYING THAT SO THAT MAYBE HE WILL LEAVE HER 380 00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:19,491 AND THEN HE'LL HAVE TO MOVE BACK HERE, 381 00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:21,056 AND I WILL COME BACK HOME. 382 00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:23,104 WELL, MAYBE, BUT YOU COULDN'T LIVE WITH YOURSELF 383 00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:27,070 IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE SACRIFICING JULIAN'S HAPPINESS FOR YOURS. 384 00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:30,670 SURE, I COULD. I AM A... STONE-COLD BITCH. 385 00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,213 PLEASE, YOU SAY "GESUNDHEIT" WHEN THE DOG SNEEZES. 386 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,440 I COULD. I-I WOULD JUST DRINK A LOT, 387 00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:38,445 AND--AND MAYBE STOP PAYING AS MUCH ATTENTION TO MY HAIR, 388 00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:40,408 AND I'D BE THIS TORTURED, INTERESTING PERSON 389 00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:42,417 WITH DARK ROOTS AND A DARK SECRET. 390 00:14:42,449 --> 00:14:44,179 (can tab pops) 391 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,287 OH, YOU DON'T WANNA PLAY THE DARK SECRET GAME WITH ME. 392 00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,089 I ONCE WOKE UP IN A MANNEQUIN FACTORY 393 00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:50,721 WITH A BUCKETFUL OF HOT WINGS AND A STEERING WHEEL IN MY HAND. 394 00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:52,757 (pounds table) STOP TOPPING ME ON WEIRD THINGS! 395 00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:56,302 JULIAN IS A GROWN MAN WHO IS CAPABLE 396 00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:58,469 OF MAKING MATURE DECISIONS. 397 00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:01,128 REALLY? SINCE WHEN? 398 00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:03,768 HEY, BUDDY. YOU CAN'T DO THAT. 399 00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:05,673 HOLD THAT. 400 00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:12,708 SINCE... THE... BEGINNING OF THIS CONVERSATION. 401 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,315 (door opens and closes) 402 00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,218 ELAINE? YEAH? 403 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,490 I'M DYING. 404 00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:20,148 I'M... LYING? (keys clatter) 405 00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:21,647 NO. 406 00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:23,118 MAX. (gasps) MAX. YEAH. COME HERE. 407 00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:24,386 LISTEN TO ME. WHAT HAPPENED? 408 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,964 I'M DYING... ALONE. OH, NO, NO. 409 00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:30,434 I'M HERE. I MEAN, YOU'RE HERE, BUT YOU NEVER PAINTED ME ONE OF THESE. 410 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:31,803 SOMETHING IS--I'M HAVING... 411 00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:33,531 OKAY, WHAT HAPPENED? 412 00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:39,665 (whispers) I'M HAVING A STROKE. 413 00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,106 OKAY. LET ME CHECK YOUR PULSE. 414 00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:42,341 AM I SMILING? 415 00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:43,975 YOU ARE SMILING. IS MY TONGUE STRAIGHT? 416 00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:45,851 YOUR TONGUE IS STRAIGHT. (whispers) IT'S MY TONGUE. 417 00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,578 IS MY TONGUE STRAIGHT? YES, IT IS. 418 00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:50,624 I NEED TO HAVE BILATERAL SYMMETRY. (beeping) 419 00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:52,520 YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE NEVER REALLY HAD THAT. 420 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,852 YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD SORT OF A CHARACTERY FACE, TO BE HONEST. WHAT? 421 00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:57,817 (whispers indistinctly) EMERGENCY PEOPLE? 422 00:15:57,857 --> 00:15:59,327 I'M DYING. I'M HAVING ONE. 423 00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:00,929 HELLO! HEY. 424 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,200 COME ON IN. (gasps) 425 00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:04,700 I KNOW, RIGHT? 426 00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:07,201 UM... 427 00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:10,274 SO, NAT, ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT DADDY NIGHTS? 428 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:13,013 YEAH. DID YOU KNOW THAT OLIVIA HAS A STABLE? 429 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,210 THERE ARE HORSES OUT BACK IF YOU WANNA GO PET THEM. 430 00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:16,712 (gasps) COOL. 431 00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:18,153 I CAN GET USED TO THIS. 432 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:22,848 A STABLE? UH, THIS IS KIND OF AMAZING. 433 00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:24,882 YOU MUST BE SO HAPPY HERE, RIGHT? YOU'RE SO HAPPY HERE? 434 00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:26,517 WELL, IT DOESN'T SUCK. 435 00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:28,323 DOESN'T SUCK. AWESOME. OKAY, SO I WILL, UH, 436 00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:30,055 PICK UP NAT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. OKAY. 437 00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:31,790 AH, HEY, POL. 438 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:34,234 JU-JU, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT THERE'S NOT REALLY 439 00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:35,861 A PLACE FOR THESE OLD PHONES, 440 00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:37,895 SO I'M GONNA HAVE JULIO TAKE 'EM TO THE DUMP. 441 00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:39,800 (box thuds) 442 00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:40,902 (strained voice) OKAY. 443 00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:44,969 JU-JU... I HOPE I'M WRONG-WRONG, 444 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,344 BUT I'M KINDA GETTING A LITTLE BIT OF A FEELING 445 00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:49,043 THAT MAYBE YOU'RE NOT SO INTO OLIVIA. 446 00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:50,906 I MEAN, IS THERE ANY WAY THAT YOU'RE JUST LIVING HERE WITH HER 447 00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:53,253 BECAUSE OF ME AND MY SITUATION? 448 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,320 WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I DON'T LOVE HER, OKAY? 449 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,218 SHE'S GREAT. I SAW YOU CHEEK HER, JULIAN. 450 00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,920 SHE LEANED IN TO KISS YOU, AND... YOU CHEEKED HER. 451 00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:01,922 IS THAT EVEN A THING? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. 452 00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:04,494 OKAY, YOU BE YOU, AND I'LL BE OLIVIA. OKAY. 453 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:05,664 SO I LEAN IN, AND IT LOOKS LIKE I'M GONNA KISS YOU, 454 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,662 LIKE THIS. LIKE, YEAH. MM-HMM. 455 00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:08,864 MMM. 456 00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:10,495 WHAT THE (bleep)? 457 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:11,760 NO, NO, NO, IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. HONEY. 458 00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:13,368 NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S NOT. 459 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,370 I ONLY DID THAT BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO DEMONSTRATE TO HIM 460 00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:17,602 WHY I THOUGHT HE WASN'T REALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU. YEAH, AND--AND-- 461 00:17:17,637 --> 00:17:19,507 I DIDN'T GET IT. HE DIDN'T GET IT. 462 00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,069 HE DIDN'T GET IT. SO I STILL DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND IT. 463 00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:22,378 HE LEANED IN TO KISS YOU LIKE THIS... 464 00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:25,249 YEAH. IT'S LIKE THIS. MMM. 465 00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,778 STOP DOING THAT! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING! 466 00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:30,424 I DON'T KNOW--OW! OKAY, BOTH OF YOU, GET OUT. 467 00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:32,520 NO, OLIVIA, PLEASE, CAN NATALIE JUST RIDE THE HORSES 468 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,952 FOR A LITTLE BIT? I MEAN, YOU'RE GONNA BREAK HER-- 469 00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:37,187 YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL GET HER. I'LL GET HER. HE'S GONNA GET HER. 470 00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:38,234 (cell phone rings) 471 00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:40,628 (ring) 472 00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:41,730 I'M JUST GONNA TAKE THIS. 473 00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:42,931 ARE YOU KIDDING ME? (ring) 474 00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:45,132 WHAT, HE HAS TO GO GET HER. (ring) 475 00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:48,935 HEY, MOM. (sighs) 476 00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:52,068 WHAT? WELL, WAIT. WHERE ARE YOU? GOT HER. 477 00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:54,205 OKAY. UM... 478 00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:55,481 (beep) WE HAVE TO GO. 479 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:56,938 WE HAVE TO GO. YEAH. 480 00:17:56,976 --> 00:17:58,276 YEAH. I-I JUST SAID YOU HAVE TO GO. 481 00:17:58,311 --> 00:17:59,881 BYE, LADY! 482 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,612 MY NAME'S OLIVIA. (Natalie) BYE, OLIVIA! 483 00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:02,948 I'LL CALL YOU LATER AND EXPLAIN EVERYTHING. 484 00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:04,652 POLLY'S RIGHT. 485 00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:07,224 I REALLY SHOULD BE GOING. OKAY? THIS WOULD NEVER WORK. 486 00:18:07,254 --> 00:18:09,324 UNLESS YOU WANNA JUST HOOK UP EVERY-- JUST GO! 487 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:10,686 IT'S A BAD IDEA. I'LL SEE YA. 488 00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:17,162 OKAY, I WANT YOU TO GET ME A PRIEST. 489 00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:18,827 HONEY, WE'RE JEWISH. 490 00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:21,495 I UNDERSTAND. I'M COVERING ALL MY BASES. 491 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:24,504 I NEED FOR SOMEONE TO HEAR ME SAY GOOD-BYE 492 00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:27,137 TO POLLY AND NATALIE IN MY MIND. 493 00:18:27,174 --> 00:18:28,614 I WOULD LOVE SOME CHIPS. 494 00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:31,811 I'M DYING FOR SOME CHIPS AND SALSA. 495 00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:35,654 ASK HER. ASK HER. NURSE, MY HUSBAND NEEDS CHIPS AND SALSA. 496 00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:37,522 (curtain rings swoosh) OH, MY GOD! 497 00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,920 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. ARE YOU OKAY? OH! OH, YES, YES. 498 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,862 OH, MY GOD. I AM SO HAPPY YOU ARE-- 499 00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:45,689 WE'RE HERE. LOOK, YOU ARE HERE. SO HAPPY YOU'RE-- 500 00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:47,655 I WAS WORRIED THAT THE LAST THING 501 00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:51,134 YOU WOULD HAVE HEARD ME DO WAS YELL. 502 00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:52,334 HI, GRANDPA. 503 00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:53,495 HI, GORGEOUS. 504 00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:54,933 (chuckles and kisses) 505 00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:56,267 LOOK AT THESE EARS. 506 00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:57,873 THOSE ARE BUNS. 507 00:18:57,904 --> 00:19:03,644 OH, MY. AND YOU, WHERE IS YOUR SEXY SUGAR GIRL MAMA? 508 00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:07,346 OH. POLLY HELPED ME REALIZE THAT I WAS MAKING A MISTAKE. 509 00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:10,050 YEAH, WELL, OF COURSE SHE DID, BECAUSE YOU ARE SELFLESS. 510 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,682 OH. AND YOU PUT EVERYBODY BEFORE YOU. 511 00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:13,688 AND I DIDN'T MEAN ANY OF THAT STUFF THAT I SAID. 512 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,360 I DIDN'T MEAN ANY OF IT. 513 00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:17,688 OH, MAX, I LOVE YOU. I'M SO SORRY. 514 00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:19,734 I'M SORRY. I'M THE-- I LOVE YOU. NO, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. 515 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,889 COME HERE. 516 00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:23,858 (whispers) SAGE WORKS. 517 00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:27,726 POLLY, IF I DIE HERE... MM-HMM? 518 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:31,737 (whispers) I NEED YOU TO ERASE THE HISTORY ON MY COMPUTER. 519 00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:32,971 (normal voice) EVERYBODY, COME ON. 520 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,735 OH. CAN WE DO THIS? YEAH? 521 00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,544 GET IN RIGHT HERE. GET IN. COME ON. NURSE. 522 00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:37,976 NO, THAT'S SOMETHING-- 523 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,650 COME. OKAY. THANKS. 524 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,219 UH, WE GOT YOUR BLOOD WORK BACK, MR. GREEN. YES. 525 00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:45,549 YOU'RE FINE. YOU'RE JUST REALLY, REALLY HIGH. 526 00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:47,845 I'M WHAT? OH. (chuckles) 527 00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:49,187 (laughs) YOU'RE HIGH. 528 00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:52,192 THAT IS... (snorts) YOU'RE HIGH? 529 00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:53,585 CRAP. 530 00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:56,096 SO I MOVED BACK IN WITH MY PARENTS. 531 00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:59,828 ARE YOU REALLY SURPRISED? AND ON THIS MOMENTOUS OCCASION, 532 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:01,926 WHICH SEEMS TO HAPPEN REGULARLY, 533 00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:04,068 I'D LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST... 534 00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:05,103 OKAY, NAT... 535 00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:07,007 TO MY DAUGHTER NATALIE. 536 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:10,539 I GUESS SHE WANTED MY IRONIC PURSE, TOO. 537 00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,777 THE IRONIC PURSE. THE CONTRACTS. OH! 538 00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:13,952 OH! 539 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:14,950 OH! HA HA! 540 00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:16,521 OH, THE CONTRACTS! 541 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,289 MWAH! 542 00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:21,088 (both laughing) 543 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,760 (Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros) * MAN, OH, MAN 544 00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:24,259 * YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND 545 00:20:24,291 --> 00:20:26,561 TO MY STEPFATHER MAX-- WHEN HE CAME DOWN, 546 00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:28,703 I KNEW THINGS WERE BACK TO NORMAL BETWEEN US 547 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:31,128 WHEN HE WROTE ME AN E-MAIL SUBJECT LINE-- 548 00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:35,403 "FIVE WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR PASTRY HAS BEEN TAMPERED WITH." 549 00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:37,965 * PLEASE ME MORE THAN YOU 550 00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:41,614 * HOME, LET ME COME HOME 551 00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:43,741 TO MY EX-HUSBAND JULIAN... (ring) 552 00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:45,306 I MAY NOT WANNA BE MARRIED TO HIM, 553 00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:47,545 BUT I'M LUCKY HE'S IN MY LIFE. (ring) 554 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,780 HELLO? YOUNG JULIAN? 555 00:20:49,816 --> 00:20:50,776 * HOME 556 00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:52,287 IS THAT YOU? 557 00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:53,919 * HOME IS WHEREVER I'M WITH YOU * 558 00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:56,793 AND FINALLY, TO MY MOTHER-- WHOEVER THOUGHT 559 00:20:56,823 --> 00:20:58,223 SHE'D FINALLY DE-ESCALATE THINGS 560 00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,127 BY ACCIDENTALLY DOSING MY STEPDAD? 561 00:21:00,159 --> 00:21:02,759 I'M SURE I'LL GET MY OWN PLACE ONE DAY, 562 00:21:02,795 --> 00:21:04,795 AND NOW I KNOW I CAN DO IT. 563 00:21:04,831 --> 00:21:07,801 BUT UNTIL THEN, THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE 564 00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:11,704 THAN LIVING WITH THE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU THE MOST. 565 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,270 (door closes) 566 00:21:15,308 --> 00:21:16,678 I LOVE HAVING HER BACK, 567 00:21:16,709 --> 00:21:18,849 BUT STARING AT US WHILE WE'RE SLEEPING? 568 00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:22,148 I KNOW. WHAT IF WE WERE NAKED? OR WHAT IF-- 569 00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:23,751 (Polly) I CAN HEAR YOU! 570 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:27,023 GO TO YOUR ROOM! WE KNOW! 43327

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.