All language subtitles for How.To.Live.With.Your.Parents.S01E04_English

(Polly) WHEN YOU LIVE
WITH YOUR PARENTS,

A PEACEFUL EVERYDAY THING
LIKE READING

CAN BE INTERRUPTED
BY SAID PARENTS

LEAVING FOR THE THEATER.

(Elaine)
...BOTTLENECK THE WHOLE WAY.

TAKE FOUNTAIN.
DO YOU HAVE THE TICKETS?

I-I GAVE YOU THE TICKETS.
YOU PUT 'EM IN YOUR PURSE.

WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME
THE TICKETS?
BECAUSE YOU SAID,

"GIVE ME THE TICKETS.
I'LL PUT 'EM IN MY PURSE."

OH, WELL, WE SHOULD GO.
IT'LL BE FINE.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT,
'CAUSE THEY'LL ALWAYS LET YOU IN

WITHOUT TICKETS. TICKETS ARE
PRETTY MUCH OPTIONAL.

GETTING ANGRY WILL NOT
BRING THOSE TICKETS BACK.

I HAVE A RIGHT
TO MY ANGER, ELAINE, OKAY?

THAT'S WHAT MAKES US HUMAN--
ANGER AND CARBON. LOOK IT UP.

BUT WHAT IS
THIS REALLY ABOUT?

DID SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE

LOSE SOMETHING
IMPORTANT TO YOU?

YOU. YOU LOST THE TICKETS.

THERE'S NO DEEPER ANALYSIS
NECESSARY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
JUST LET IT BE WHAT IT IS, OKAY?

THE NIGHT IS RUINED.
WE'RE JUST PEOPLE NOW--

PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT GOING TO BE
GOING TO THE SHOW.

OKAY, I WAS REALLY LOOKING
FORWARD TO YOU BOTH LEAVING,

SO LET'S MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

MOM, WHERE IS THE LAST PLACE
YOU HAD THE TICKETS?

I HAVE NEVER SEEN THESE TICKETS
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

SHE WAS DOING HER HAIR.
I HANDED THEM RIGHT TO HER.

MOM.

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

THERE THEY ARE.

(laughs) WE SHOULD GO.

YEAH, GIVE ME THE TICKETS.
ELAINE.
(sighs)

(door opens)

(whistles)

OKAY, ACCORDING TO...
(sighs)

ACCORDING TO THIS TEST KIT,

THAT BROWN STUFF
UNDER YOUR BED... (sniffs)

WAS NOT TOXIC MOLD.

THAT'S BECAUSE,
AS I REPEATEDLY TOLD YOU,

IT'S CUPCAKE CRUMBS
FROM WHEN I FELL ASLEEP

EATING A CUPCAKE.
WHAT IF YOU CHOKE?

THEN I DIE
THE HAPPIEST DEATH EVER.

LOOK, DADDY,
IT'S YOU, ME, AND MOMMY

CAMPING AT GOLDEN BEAR.
I CAN'T WAIT TO GO AGAIN.

UM, ACTUALLY, HONEY,

WE ARE NOT DOING ANOTHER

FAMILY TRIP TO GOLDEN BEAR
THIS YEAR.
WHY NOT?

WHEN YOUR KID ASKS YOU
WHY YOU AREN'T GOING CAMPING

WITH YOUR EX-HUSBAND,

YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES...

OR...

WELL, WE ARE NOT, UH,
DOING IT BECAUSE

WE AS A NATION DECIDED TO GIVE
GOLDEN BEAR BACK TO THE BEARS.

THAT'S WHAT THAT
WHOLE LAST ELECTION WAS ABOUT.

SO THE BEARS ARE UP THERE.
THEY'RE CELEBRATING.

THEY'RE DRINKING.
THEY'RE HAVING HONEY.

THEY'RE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD, BEARS.

HOW GREAT IS IT WE GOT
OUR CAMPSITE BACK?"

EXCEPT FOR WHEN THEY SAY IT,
IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE...

(growls)

AND INSTEAD
OF GOING CAMPING,

I WILL ALSO BUY YOU ONE OF
THOSE ADORABLE PLASTIC BUNNIES

THAT POOPS JELLY BEANS.

OH. OKAY.

OKAY.

OKAY.

AND LYING WINS AGAIN.

UH-HUH. NO.

I GOT IT. YES. THANK YOU.
(beep)

WHAT WAS THAT?
THAT WAS THE SOCIAL WORKER
AT THE HOSPITAL.

YOUR AUNT FLORENCE
HAS TAKEN A BAD TURN.

I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND DRAMATIC,
BUT THE END IS NIGH.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY,

BUT I THINK WE SHOULD GO
TO THE HOSPITAL.

I WILL NOT. THAT WOMAN
WAS RELENTLESS WITH ME

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP--
VERY CRITICAL.

SHE WOULD EMBARRASS ME.
YOU KNOW WHEN I STAYED WITH HER,

SHE WOULD SERVE ME
BOILED STEAK.

IT WAS A HOSTILE GESTURE.

BUT THIS IS
A FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITY

FOR YOU TO GET
AT WHAT'S UNDERNEATH

ALL OF THAT ANGER.

UNDERNEATH ALL THAT ANGER,
YOU KNOW WHAT'S THERE?

MORE ANGER.
GOES DOWN ABOUT A MILE.

THEN IT HITS A HUGE LAYER
OF PISSED OFF.

I'M ENTITLED TO FEEL THAT WAY,
ELAINE.

HOW ABOUT THIS?
IT'S ON THE WAY.

YOU GO UP TO THE ROOM.
YOU SAY A FEW WORDS,

AND THEN WE GO TO THE SHOW.

IF IT DOESN'T HELP,

YOU GET TO SET
THE TEMPERATURE ON THE HOT TUB

FOR A WHOLE MONTH.

WHOLE MONTH? A-ALL RIGHT,
THIS IS WHAT I'M--

I'M GONNA GIVE HER TEN MINUTES,
INCLUDING PARKING.

BUT IF I MISS THE PART WHERE
TEVYE DANCES WITH THE BUTCHER,

OH, IT'S GONNA BE YOUR ASS.

**

OKAY, FOR TONIGHT'S
STUFFED ANIMAL CHOICE,

WE HAVE MONKEY, TIGER,

OR AFRICAN-AMERICAN
SOCK FULL OF RICE

YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH
AT THE FARMER'S MARKET.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN
SOCK FULL OF RICE, PLEASE.

AH, EXCELLENT CHOICE.

MOMMY, THERE'S A MEAN GIRL
AT SCHOOL NAMED BETSY.

SHE CALLED ME "STUPID."

HAS BETSY TEASED YOU
BEFORE?

NO.

MAYBE SHE WAS JUST
CRANKY AND HUNGRY.

THAT'S HOW I GET.

BUT YOU TELL ME
IF SHE'S MEAN AGAIN, OKAY?

OKAY.

SHE ALSO SAID MY HAIR
WAS UGLY.

WHAT? (scoffs)
WELL, THAT IS CRAZY,

BECAUSE YOU HAVE MY HAIR,
WHICH IS AMAZING,

AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT.

GUY AT A GAS STATION
ONCE OFFERED ME 500 BUCKS

TO DO SOMETHING NAUGHTY
WITH MY HAIR

WHICH IS NOT SOMETHING
I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU. FORGET.

FORGET. FORGET.

SO SHOULD WE TELL
HER TEACHER?

No way.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLE DO
TO A SNITCH?

In first grade?

IT'S EVEN WORSE
IN THE FIRST GRADE,

'CAUSE THIS WILL FOLLOW HER
ALL THE WAY THROUGH SCHOOL.

NATALIE TATTLE-LEE.
IT'S TOO PERFECT.

THIS IS WHY I WANTED
TO NAME HER "ORANGE."

Nothing rhymes with that.

YEAH, 'CAUSE A KID
NAMED ORANGE

HAS NO PROBLEMS
IN HER FUTURE.

Okay, so holding pattern--

SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
CONTINUE TO MONITOR

the situation.

IS THAT A CUPCAKE
ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND?

WHAT?
(singsongy) GOOD NIGHT.

(monitor beeping steadily)

(woman over P.A.)
DR. GORDON, PLEASE CALL...

HI.

HI. WE'RE THE FAMILY.

HI. SHE'S BEEN DRIFTING
IN AND OUT.

IS SHE CURRENTLY IN OR OUT?
BECAUSE WE HAVE A THING.

ATTENTION, 3-5-1.

OUT.

WE WERE NEVER HERE.
(gasps)

OH, WE CAN'T LEAVE NOW.

WHY NOT?
SHE'S RESTING.

IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA LISTEN
TO ME AS YOUR WIFE,

MAYBE YOU CAN RESPECT
MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION

AS A CERTIFIED LIFE COACH.

I HAVE A CLIENT WHOSE
ANONYMITY I RESPECT--

YOU KNOW MARIE BANISTER,
BLACK HAIRDRESSER?

ALL RIGHT. (whispers)
I HAVE BEEN HAVING

FANTASTIC SUCCESS WITH HER
USING MY NEW C.L.E.A.R. METHOD.

IT STANDS FOR
"CONFRONT, LET GO, REJOICE."

C-L-R SPELLS "CLuR."

I HAVE HELPED HER CONFRONT
HER FEELINGS.

SHE LET 'EM GO,
AND THEN WE REJOICED.

LISTEN TO ME.
THESE ARE MY REAL FEELINGS.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
MM.

AUNT FLORENCE HAS BEEN
A MISERABLE (bleep) TO ME.

SHE IS THE POINT OF ORIGIN.

IF YOU CAN CONFRONT
THESE FEELINGS,

IT'S GONNA HAVE
SUCH A POSITIVE EFFECT

ON ALL OF
YOUR DEEP ANGER ISSUES.

JUST WAIT UNTIL SHE WAKES UP,
AND THEN YOU SAY...

(whispers) "AUNT FLORENCE,
YOU ARE A MISERABLE (bleep)."

WELL, THAT'D BE
PRETTY SWEET.

MM.

**

THE MEAN GIRL'S NAME
IS BETSY?

SO PLAYED OUT.

I KNOW, RIGHT? HOW DARE
SHE SAY MY BABY HAS UGLY HAIR?
(clatter)

I BET HER HAIR'S ALL NASTY
AND FILLED WITH SNAKES AND RATS.

WOULDN'T THE SNAKES
EAT THE RATS?

IN THIS CASE,
THEY'RE UNLIKELY FRIENDS,

UNITED BY THEIR MUTUAL HATRED
OF BETSY.

(clatter)
I TRIED TO IGNORE
MY BULLY KEVIN MORAN.

IT ACTUALLY INSPIRED HIM
TO COME UP

WITH CREATIVE NEW WAYS
TO UNRAVEL MY LIFE.

THE LOCKER STUFFINGS
BECAME MORE HUMILIATING,

THE PURPLE NURPLES
MORE ATOMIC.

HE STOLE MY MEDICAL CHART
FROM THE NURSE

AND USED MY OWN ALLERGIES
AGAINST ME.

OH, MY GOD.
GREGG, WHAT A NIGHTMARE.

WELL, IT ALL EVENS OUT
IN THE END, YOU KNOW?

I MANAGE
A SMALL GOURMET MARKET

WHILE KEVIN MORAN WAS RECENTLY
ELECTED TO CONGRESS, SO...

(whirring)
WAIT. IT DOESN'T EVEN OUT.

THERE IS NO JUSTICE,

AND LIFE IS A CRUEL,
NEVER-ENDING RIDDLE.

(cash register beeping
and whirring)

(cell phone buzzing)

NATALIE'S SCHOOL?

THANK YOU FOR COMING DOWN HERE
TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS.

OH, I HEARD IT ALL ABOUT
THIS BETSY STUFF LAST NIGHT,

AND JUST SO YOU KNOW,
I INTEND TO PROSECUTE THIS

TO THE FULLEST EXTENT
OF THE LAW.

I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE
WHAT THE LAW IS.

UH, FULL DISCLOSURE.

I WORK IN A GROCERY STORE.
I DID NOT FINISH COLLEGE.

THERE'S SOMETHING YOU NEED
TO KNOW ABOUT BETSY.

(snickers) YEAH, HERE IT COMES.

THE SYMPATHETIC, LIBERAL
BULL CRAP, HUH?

YEAH.
BETSY'S EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED.

SHE'S BEING MAINSTREAMED,

BUT NOW OUR DAUGHTER
HAS TO PAY IN BLOOD?

OKAY, THERE IS NO BETSY
AT THIS SCHOOL.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO
HAVE A CONFERENCE ABOUT BETSY.

I DO. BETSY DOES NOT EXIST.
AND SINCE SHE DOES NOT EXIST,

I FELT A CONFERENCE
WAS IN ORDER.

OKAY, JUST TO BE CLEAR,
ARE YOU SAYING OUR DAUGHTER

CREATED AN IMAGINARY BULLY?

EXACTLY, AND I WANTED
TO GIVE YOU A CHANCE

TO ADDRESS IT
BEFORE I SCHEDULE AN EVALUATION.

UH...
BUT...

WELL, UH, ARE WE 100% SURE
THAT THERE ISN'T ANOTHER CHILD

AT THIS SCHOOL WHOSE NAME
SOUNDS LIKE "BETSY"?

YOU KNOW,
LIKE BETTY OR... BITSY?

BOOTSIE.
BOOTSIE.

NO?

IT'S GONNA BE 101...

THE REST OF MY LIFE.
JUST HOW I LIKE IT.

WHY HAS MAX BEEN ANGRILY
WORKING ON THE HOT TUB

FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS?

WELL, IT'S FUNNY
YOU SHOULD ASK.

THERE'S BEEN A LOT
OF TENSION HERE.

I FINALLY GOT HIM TO SEE
AUNT FLORENCE.

WE SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT
IN THE HOSPITAL.

SHE SLEPT THROUGH
THE WHOLE THING,

AND HE DIDN'T GET TO SEE
THE SHOW.

I'M IN THE PROCESS

OF USING MY C.L.E.A.R. METHOD

TO SEE WHAT'S UNDERNEATH...
(whispers) ALL THAT ANGER.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S
UNDERNEATH ALL THE ANGER?

BONE,
TO SUPPORT THE ANGER.

OKAY, I JUST SEARCHED
THE WEB FOR ARTICLES

ON IMAGINARY BULLIES.

AND?
NOTHING CAME UP.

WHICH MEANS THIS IS
THE FIRST TIME

IT'S HAPPENED ANYWHERE,
EVER.

YEAH.
SO STARTED A WIKI PAGE
ON IT.

WELL, WE GOTTA FIGURE THIS OUT.

BECAUSE THEY ARE GONNA DO
AN EVALUATION,

AND THEN THEY'RE GONNA CHUCK HER
IN THAT CLASS WITH BOOGER TOM

AND KID WHO WON'T TAKE OFF
THE SPIDER-MAN MASK.

THESE ADMINISTRATIVE FASCISTS

ARE JUST STAMPING OUT
CREATIVITY.

BOOGER TOM COULD BE
OUR NEXT PICASSO.

NATALIE IS WONDERFULLY
INVENTIVE, JUST LIKE YOU WERE.

YOU'D SPEND HOURS GOING
THROUGH MY PROP TRUNK.

(marching band playing on TV)

(grunting)

(humming)
(man on TV) YEAH? WELL, THEN
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT SUIT?

OW!
(thud)

UHH!

I USED THAT CANE
ON AND OFF FOR TWO YEARS,

AND YOU NEVER SAID
ANYTHING.

WE THOUGHT IT WAS SO CUTE.

WE ALSO KNEW YOU WERE DOING IT
FOR THE ATTENTION.

IF YOU KNEW THAT, THEN WHY
DIDN'T YOU GIVE ME ATTENTION?

WE WERE BUSY. I JUST BOOKED
A NATIONAL PANTYHOSE COMMERCIAL.

MAX WAS TEACHING STAGE COMBAT.

I MEAN, WE WERE FINALLY
BREAKING THROUGH.

THAT'S IT.
NATALIE NEEDS MORE ATTENTION.

TOMORROW MORNING, WE WILL FOCUS
ALL OF OUR ENERGY ON HER.

BETTER IDEA--YOU'VE SEEN
THE MOVIE "INCEPTION."

HERE'S WHAT WE DO.
WE PSYCHOLOGICALLY IMPLANT

AN IMAGINARY BULLY
THAT'S BIGGER THAN BETSY

TO SCARE HER AWAY.

WE'LL DO
THE ATTENTION THING FIRST.

YEAH.

(sighs)

(chair wheels roll)

FLORENCE.

(loudly) NICE TRY, ELAINE.

NOT GONNA BREAK ME DOWN
WITH ONE OLD PHOTO.

(presses keys)

(woman) * MEMORIES

* LIKE THE CORNERS OF MY MIND

SHE ALWAYS JUDGED ME.

WHY DID SHE JUDGE ME
SO HARSHLY, ELAINE?

CONFRONT. LET GO.

YOU--YOU--YOU KNOW
WHAT SHE WOULD DO, THE BEAST?

SHE WOULD FILL ME
WITH SELF-DOUBT.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
AND I WOULD COVER IT WITH RAGE.

MM-HMM.
AND BY OCCASIONALLY
EATING AN ENTIRE HAM.

(dog barking in distance)
(breathes heavily)

YOU OPENED ME UP,
AND I'M A MESS.

I'M A MESS.
YOU ARE NOT A MESS.
YOU ARE A STRONG MAN...

YOU KNOW YOUR FREUD.

WHO IS EXPRESSING
HIS EMOTIONS.

(whispers) IS IT WORTH IT?

I FIND IT VERY PROVOCATIVE.

YOU DO?

I DO.

I WAS UP LATE EATING CUPCAKES
AND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

THE PERFECT WAY
TO GIVE NATALIE ATTENTION

WHEN "DOWNTON ABBEY" CAME ON.

(imitates British accent)
TEA PARTY TIME!

PULL UP A BLOODY CHAIR
AND BLOODY JOIN US.

(under breath) DIDN'T KNOW
WE WERE DOING BRITISH.

(under breath) THEY'RE FAMOUS
FOR TEA. WHO ELSE LIKES TEA?

INDIANS, ASIANS, PASHTUNS?

I'VE GOT US GOING ON A ROAD.

I THINK WE SHOULD JUST
STAY ON THE ROAD.
YEAH, OKAY. FINE.

BETSY SAYS WE HAVE
TO GO WATCH TV.

BETSY?
OH.

GREAT.
DIDN'T REALIZE THAT
BETSY WAS JOINING US TODAY.

MM-HMM.

BETSY'S HERE?

I THOUGHT SHE WAS STRICTLY
A SCHOOL THING.

NOW WHAT DO WE DO?
I DON'T WANNA INVITE BETSY

TO THE TEA PARTY.
I DON'T LIKE HER.

(tsk-tsks) DO NOT UPSET BETSY
BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T RULED OUT

WHETHER OR NOT SHE'S A GHOST.

DON'T EVEN FREAKIN' SAY THAT.
YOU KNOW I BELIEVE IN GHOSTS.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE THINKS
BETSY'S HERE. JUST GO WITH IT.

(dishes clatter)

(imitates Cockney accent)
TOP O' THE MORNIN' TO YA, BETSY.

ARE YOU DOING ALL RIGHT,
YEAH?

(imitates Cockney accent)
AH!

MUM WENT OUT A LITTLE EARLY,

BOUGHT SOME CRUMPETS
AND SPECIAL CHOCOLATE MILK

FROM THE... (gulps) PUB.

NAH, BETSY WANTS TO GO
WATCH TV,

SO I'M GONNA DO
WHAT SHE SAYS.

(woman speaking indistinctly
over P.A.)

OH.

WHERE'S FLORENCE?

OH, I'M SORRY.
SHE PASSED AWAY LAST NIGHT.

SHE DIED
WHILE WE SCHTUPPED.

(cartoon music and
sound effects playing on TV)

WELL, THAT IDEA
CRASHED AND BURNED.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

LET ME HANDLE THIS.

HEY. SO...

ABOUT BETSY...

SHE'S NOT REAL, RIGHT?

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT REAL.

OH, I'M REAL. (scoffs)
I'M QUITE REAL.

CAN YOU PROVE IT?

YES, I CAN PROVE IT.

SEE, I HAVE
A MOTHER AND A FATHER,

AND, UM, THAT'S NOT REALLY--
UH...

OH, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU
LOOK INTO A MIRROR,

AND YOU SEE YOUR--OR THAT COULD
BE YOUR REFLECTION REFLE--

UM... RENE DESCARTES,
PHILOSOPHER.

HE SAID, "I THINK,
THEREFORE I AM,"

WHICH... IS NOT CONCLUSIVE.

BUT, YEAH, IF I BIT
INTO A HAMBURGER AND TASTED IT,

BUT IS... ANYTHING REAL
IF I'M NOT?

WHAT?

YOU LET A 6-YEAR-OLD PAINT YOU
INTO A PHILOSOPHICAL CORNER?

YEAH, BUT, POLLY,
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

HOW DO WE KNOW WHAT'S REAL?

OKAY, THIS IS GETTING
SERIOUSLY DESPERATE.

WE ARE GONNA HANDLE THIS
LIKE RESPONSIBLE PARENTS.

WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE TO MAKE
BETSY GO AWAY? NEW BIKE?

A BOX OF KITTENS?
A NEW SUPER LATE BEDTIME?

50 BUCKS?
50 BUCKS?

BETSY WANTS YOU, ME, AND DADDY
TO GO CAMPING AT GOLDEN BEAR.

OH, BOY.
WE ARE GONNA NEED A SEC.

GO AHEAD.

OKAY, I'M GONNA SAY IT.

WHY DON'T WE JUST TAKE HER
TO GOLDEN BEAR?

(scoffs)
BECAUSE THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

I MEAN,
IT'S A HUNDRED MILES AWAY.

WE'D HAVE TO RENT
CAMPING EQUIPMENT.

HOW CRAZY IS THIS
GONNA GET?

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST DON'T WANT
HER TO GET EVALUATED.

I WAS EVALUATED,

AND LOOK AT ME.

(wolf howls in distance)

WHAT WAS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

(sighs) BETSY'S A BITCH.

WHAT IS HER FASCINATION
WITH THIS PLACE?

I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, SHE HATED IT LAST TIME.

YEAH.
OKAY?

SHE COULDN'T SLEEP.
SHE FELL IN THE CREEK.

THE THREE OF US
HAD TO DRIVE 10 MILES

TO GET HER CHICKEN NUGGETS.

YEAH, REMEMBER
WHEN WE CAME BACK?

WE ALL GOT
INTO THE SAME SLEEPING BAG,

AND THEN I HAD TO PEE,
AND IT TOOK ME FOREVER

TO GET OUT.
YEAH.

(laughing) AND THEN WE ALL
COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING.

(snorts) IT WAS LIKE
THIS AMAZING FAMILY...

IT WAS GOOD.
OH.

SHE MISSES BEING A FAMILY,
AND SHE WANTS IT BACK.

SO SHE CREATED A LITTLE JERK
WITH A BIG MOUTH

WHO COULD MAKE THAT HAPPEN
FOR HER.
MM.

IT'S GENIUS.

SHE KNOWS WE'RE NOT
GETTING BACK TOGETHER.

I MEAN, I TOLD HER THAT
THE DAY WE MOVED OUT.

(doorbell rings, rainfall)

WHY ARE WE HERE?

WE ARE HERE BECAUSE...

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA ARE
THE MOST AWESOME PEOPLE

IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

(Julian) YEAH, I'M NOT
SEEING HOW WHAT YOU TOLD HER

EXPLAINED ANYTHING.

WELL, HEY, YOU'RE HER DAD.
WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?

DADDY, WHY DON'T YOU LIVE
WITH US ANYMORE?

UH... I-I THINK
A BETTER QUESTION IS

DO YOU WANT 15 BALLOONS?

OH, SO BASICALLY YOU JUST
SIDESTEPPED THE ISSUE

AND BRIBED HER
WITH A BUNCH OF BALLOONS?

WELL, AT LEAST SHE GOT
SOMETHING OUT OF IT.

I MEAN, ALL YOU DID WAS
SELL HER SOME FAIRY TALE

WHERE EVERYTHING'S AWESOME
AND FUN?

YOU DID THE SAME THING
WHEN WE WERE MARRIED.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

LOOK, I THOUGHT
THINGS WERE FINE,

BECAUSE YOU SAID,
"EVERYTHING'S FINE."

CUT TO--I COME HOME,
MY FAMILY'S GONE,

AND THERE'S A NOTE
ON THE FRIDGE.

I-I WANTED YOU TO LIKE ME
UNTIL THE VERY LAST MOMENT

BECAUSE THAT MADE IT
LESS AWKWARD.

BESIDES, YOU KNEW THINGS
WEREN'T WORKING OUT,

BUT INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON IT,
YOU JUST DISTRACTED YOURSELF

WITH SOME STUPID PETITION
TO MAKE PLUTO A PLANET AGAIN.

YEAH, WELL,
I'D RATHER BE A DISTRACTER

THAN BE A SUGAR-COATER.

OH, YOU KNOW
IF THEY WERE SUPERHEROES,

SUGAR-COATER WOULD
KICK DISTRACTER'S ASS.

(speaks indistinctly)
NO, NO, NO, BECAUSE
DISTRACTER'S DISTRACTER GUN

WOULD RENDER SUGAR-COATER
COMPLETELY UNFOCUSED.

OH, NOT IF
THE DISTRACTION GUN'S TRIGGER

WAS ALREADY FROZEN OVER
WITH SUGAR.

UH, GOOD POINT.

JULIAN, OUR MARRIAGE FELL APART
BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF US

WAS WILLING TO TALK
ABOUT THE REALITY

OF THE SITUATION.

AND WE'VE BEEN DOING
THE SAME THING WITH NATALIE,

AND WE HAVE TO STOP.

BUT IF WE BREAK IT
TO HER NOW,

WE'LL BE TURNING HER GREAT
MEMORIES OF GOLDEN BEAR

INTO GOLDEN BEAR: WHERE
LITTLE GIRLS' DREAMS GO TO DIE.

(chuckles) THEN WE'LL WAIT
TILL WE GET HOME.

OUR CONVERSATION WILL BE MADE
A LOT EASIER

WITH A GLASS OF WINE.

(door opens)

HI!

HEY, SWEETIE.
HI.

(door closes)
UH, NOBODY TOUCH HER.

NOBODY HUG HER. SHE'S COVERED
IN TURTLE TURDS AND BUG SPRAY.

STRAIGHT TO THE BATH,
YOUNG LADY.

OH, MY GOD.
WHAT A NIGHT.

YOU WERE GONE? HMM. FUN.

HOW'S THE KID DOING?
STILL SEEING FAKE PEOPLE?

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I DID FIND OUT

THAT SUGAR-COATING
OVER MY DIVORCE

WAS NOT A SOLID WAY TO GO.

YOU NEED TO LEARN
TO FORGIVE YOURSELF.

I DID. WANNA KNOW HOW?

YOU SPENT A WEEK
IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION.

FOUR DAYS WAS NOT A WEEK,
AND I ESCAPED...
ESCAPED IN A LAUNDRY BIN.

TO FILM
THAT PANTYHOSE COMMERCIAL.

WHAT IS UP WITH YOU TWO?

YOU ARE EATING TINY JAMS
WITH YOUR TINY JAM SPOON,

AND MAX IS
VIOLENTLY GRATING CHEDDAR.

YOUR MOTHER UNLEASHED
A WELLSPRING OF EMOTION IN ME,

AND I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE
TO PUT IT.

SO I'M PUTTING IT
IN THIS CHEESE.

I MIGHT MAKE QUESADILLAS.

(whispers) MIGHT NOT.

WELL, I THINK IT IS TERRIFIC
THAT MOM MADE YOU CONFRONT

YOUR DEEPER EMOTIONS.

TAKE IT FROM ME,
YOU DON'T DEAL WITH THAT,

IT'S GONNA COME BUBBLING UP
TO THE SURFACE

AND SCREW EVERYTHING UP.

YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE TO,
BUT UNFORTUNATELY,

THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN
GIVE ME CLOSURE IS DEAD,

SO TOO LATE.
I WILL NOW BEGIN

A VERY UNSIGHTLY BURST
OF EMOTIONAL EATING.

(whispers)
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE, BABY.

JUST HOPING THIS IS WORTH
THE 25 BUCKS

I SLIPPED THE ORDERLY.

I AM A BRILLIANT WIFE
AND LIFE COACH.

OKAY.
YOUR JOURNEY IS NOT OVER
UNTIL YOU REJOICE.

SO GO AHEAD.

BUT THE SPIRITS
CAN HEAR YOU.

OKAY.

I BELIEVE THAT.

FINE.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS
A CHINESE GENTLEMAN.

OOH. AHA. HA HA HO.
UH...

WHAT?
(gags) GO ON.

OKAY.
LET'S GO ON.

ALL RIGHT, THIS ROOM
IS FULL OF DEAD BODIES, OKAY?

SO WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?

(nasal voice)
I DON'T KNOW.

OH, OKAY, LOOK, THERE'S
TOENAIL POLISH ON THIS ONE

AND A CORN. I-I BET IT'S--
I BET IT'S HER.

(whispers) YES!

(whimpers) OKAY.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. UH...
(wheezes)

AUNT FLORENCE, I--

UH, JUST HOLD ON A SECOND.
(laughs)

I'M S--
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I-I JUST MUST HAVE
MISCALCULATED MY REACTION...
THIS WAS YOUR IDEA.

TO DEAD PEOPLE.
PLEASE.

I'M SORRY. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.
(whines)

YOU--WHEN I WAS--
NO CAN MOVE.

(breathes deeply)

(strained voice)
NO CAN BREATHE.

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING
LIKE OUR CLEANING LADY?

I DON'T KNOW.
OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, D-DO YOU NEED
TO GO OUTSIDE?

I NEED TO GET OUTTA HERE.

OKAY, BUT--
OH!

OKAY, JUST...

WHAT ARE YOU--
ALL RIGHT. HELPIE.

"HELPIE, HELPIE," OKAY.
OKAY, BREATHE.

(inhales deeply)
OKAY,
AUNT FLORENCE, GOOD-BYE.

(whimpers and cries)

I LOVE YOU. I FORGIVE YOU.

EVERY TIME I THINK OF YOU--
(laughs)

FROM NOW--FROM NOW ON,

I'M GONNA THINK
OF MY NUTJOB WIFE

AND HOW SHE LOST HER MARBLES,
AND I'M GONNA LAUGH.
(sobbing)

I'M FREAKING OUT HERE,
FLORENCE.

NO. NO, NO, NO. YOU'RE NOT--
YOU'RE NOT FREAKING OUT.

(sobbing) I'M REALLY
FREAKING OUT, FLORENCE.
YOU ARE--SHH. YOU ARE--

I'M REALLY SORRY.
PLEASE, DON'T. WAIT.

YOU'RE
A BRILLIANT LIFE COACH

AND AN EVEN BETTER WIFE,

WHO IS ABOUT TO FAINT
ON A CORPSE!

(owl hoots in distance)

SO YOU AND DADDY
JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS,

LIKE ME AND BILLY
AT SCHOOL.

IS... BILLY REAL?

UH-HUH.
WHEW.

THEN YES,
JUST LIKE YOU AND BILLY.

MOMMY, ARE WE GONNA BE OKAY?

WE'RE GONNA BE FANTASTIC.

AND WE ARE STILL
A FAMILY,

AND WE WILL ALWAYS BE
YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY

AND LOVE YOU.

OKAY.

HA HA! * TA DA

SO WE CONFRONTED, WE LET GO,

AND WE REJOICED
WITH CHOCOLATE CUPCAKES.

HOW COME THERE ARE FOUR?

I BROUGHT ONE FOR BETSY.
IS SHE HERE?

SHE STAYED IN GOLDEN BEAR.

OH.
OH, GOOD.

(chuckles) HEY,
NOW THAT SHE'S GONE,

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

IS SHE A GHOST?

JULIAN.

HEY, MOM,

I FOUND YOUR OLD
PANTYHOSE COMMERCIAL ONLINE.

HEY, 54 VIEWS.
NOT TOO SHABBY.

(man) AFTER A LONG DAY
IN THE OFFICE,

YOUR LEGS MUST BE TIRED
AND ACHING.

NOT AT ALL. IN FACT,
THEY FEEL FRESH, LIVELY,

AND READY FOR ANYTHING
THAT MIGHT COME UP.

(woman) * WHEN YOU'RE
ON THE GO ALL DAY *
(horn honks)

* "PIZAZZ" FOR YOUR LEGS
(bell chimes)

(both laughing)

SORRY.
YOU WERE SO GOOD.
I WAS GOOD.

NO, YOU'RE SO GOOD.