Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,902 --> 00:00:03,402
(Polly) THE ACADEMY AWARDS
2
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:06,637
IS MY FAMILY'S
FAVORITE HOLIDAY.
3
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,144
AW...
4
00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:09,206
(laughs)
5
00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:10,683
LET ME CLARIFY.
6
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:11,881
MY FAMILY THINKS
THE ACADEMY AWARDS
7
00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:13,712
IS AN ACTUAL HOLIDAY.
8
00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:15,877
AND LIKE ANY HOLIDAY
THAT INCLUDES FAMILY,
9
00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:17,846
IT CAN BE FRAUGHT WITH PERIL.
10
00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:19,545
(camera shutter clicks)
(laughs)
11
00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:20,987
JUST SO YOU KNOW,
I'M GONNA INVITE
12
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,261
MY FRIENDS FROM WORK
TO THE PARTY.
13
00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:23,720
WELL, YOU'RE STILL
GOING TO SOCIALIZE?
14
00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:24,727
'CAUSE THERE'S GONNA BE
A SMORGASBORD
15
00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:26,428
OF SINGLE MEN HERE.
16
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,760
GARY JUST GOT HIS NEW KIDNEY,
SO HE'S GOOD TO GO.
17
00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:30,696
TED'S WIFE FINALLY DIED,
SO HE'S BACK ON THE MARKET.
18
00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:32,701
(laughs)
IT'S THE ACADEMY AWARDS.
19
00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:34,773
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
20
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:37,712
GUYS, GUYS--AND I MEAN THIS
IN THE VERY BEST POSSIBLE WAY--
21
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:41,078
ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS LOOK LIKE
VARIOUS STAGES OF KENNY ROGERS.
22
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,254
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH KENNY ROGERS?
23
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,949
I THINK HE LOOKS FANTASTIC.
YEAH.
24
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,792
I'LL COME
TO YOUR PARENTS' PARTY,
25
00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:55,391
BUT I CHECKED OUT
OF AWARDS SEASON
26
00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,393
WHEN THEY SNUBBED "IRON MAN."
27
00:00:57,425 --> 00:00:59,855
(door bells jingle)
THESE SUPERHEROES
COME HERE TO SAVE US,
28
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,603
WE DON'T EVEN
ACKNOWLEDGE THEM.
29
00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:02,929
IT'S UNACCEPTABLE.
30
00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:05,033
HOLY CRAP.
31
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:08,165
(door bells jingle)
SCOTT MARCOS JUST WALKED IN.
32
00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:13,308
OH, MY GOD.
HOT SCOTT MARCOS?
33
00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:17,351
AND HE'S IN DOCTOR CLOTHES.
NOW HE'S DOCTOR HOT SCOTT?
34
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,720
WHO IS HOT SCOTT?
35
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,619
HE WAS THE GUY IN OUR DORM
WHO WAS TOTALLY GORGEOUS,
36
00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:24,951
PLAYED WATER POLO,
37
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,385
AND LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY
IN COLLEGE,
38
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,820
FOUND ME INTENSE
AND OFF-PUTTING.
39
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:32,626
OH, GUYS FROM NEXT DOOR. YEAH.
HOW'S IT GOING?
40
00:01:32,660 --> 00:01:34,830
TERRIBLE. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW MANY SPECIES
41
00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,462
ARE BECOMING EXTINCT
IN THE OCEAN
42
00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:38,427
WHILE YOU SIT IN YOUR ROOM
LISTENING TO SUGAR RAY,
43
00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:41,336
WITH YOUR SHIRT OFF,
LOOKING AMAZING?
44
00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:44,409
OH, MY GOD,
HE'S COMING OVER HERE.
45
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:49,808
(angelic choir vocalizes,
harp plays)
46
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,453
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
47
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:52,909
EVERYONE IN COLLEGE
THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE AMAZING
48
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,516
AND CHANGE THE WORLD.
49
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:55,778
AND NOW I WORK IN A MARKET
AND CHANGE THE TOILET PAPER.
50
00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:57,016
WHEN YOU REMEMBER.
51
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:58,620
I'M A DIVORCED SINGLE MOM
52
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:01,822
WHO LIVES WITH HER PARENTS,
AND HE IS A DOCTOR.
53
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:02,915
HMM.
54
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,626
UM, COULD I GET A GRUYERE
55
00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:08,829
AND A 1997
CALIFORNIA CABERNET?
56
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,532
WHY IS IT OKAY
FOR ME TO WORK HERE?
57
00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:12,204
SHH!
POLLY?
58
00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:15,603
OH... SCOTT MARCOS?!
59
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,636
WHAT--NO WAY!
60
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:20,211
HI. YEAH. (laughs)
OH, YOU'RE HUGGING ME.
OKAY. OH.
61
00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:23,711
HOW ARE YOU,
BESIDES VERY... FIT?
62
00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:26,184
I'M--I'M GOOD. I'M REALLY GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU?
63
00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:28,354
GOOD. GOOD. SUPER GOOD.
REALLY SUPER GOOD.
64
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,882
UM, I WAS JUST LOADING UP
ON SOME WINE AND CHEESE,
YEP. YEP.
65
00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:32,648
AND, UM, WINE.
66
00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:34,486
'CAUSE I GOT A BIG
OSCAR PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT.
67
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:35,822
LOT OF FUN FOLKS.
COOL.
68
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,956
YEAH, I SAID "FOLKS."
69
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,731
UH, WAIT A MINUTE.
UH, GREGG, RIGHT?
70
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:44,531
THAT'S RIGHT.
HI, SCOTT MARCOS.
71
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:46,295
YOU KNOW, GREGG,
I THINK, UH,
72
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:48,044
I THINK SOMEBODY TOLD ME
THAT YOU KILLED YOURSELF.
73
00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:50,298
THAT WAS HEROIN GREGG.
(mouths words)
74
00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:51,968
I WAS ZIMA GREGG.
75
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:53,335
OKAY.
76
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:56,484
AND I WAS, UM...
77
00:02:56,510 --> 00:03:00,250
JUST POLLY.
PO--JUST POLLY. JUST POLLY.
78
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,551
OKAY, HERE IT IS--
79
00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:04,693
THE MOCK-UP
OF THE SAN DIEGO CLUB.
80
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:07,518
OH...
ISN'T SHE A BEAUT?
LOOK AT THIS.
81
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:09,415
SHE A BEAUTY? AND LOOK,
SEE ON THE STAGE?
82
00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:11,227
MINI JERRY SEINFELD.
(laughs)
83
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:13,229
OH,
HARRY SHOULD LOOK AT THIS.
84
00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:14,901
MY STEPFATHER HAS HAD
A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER
85
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,028
ABOUT MY MOM'S BROTHER
EVER SINCE THEY MET.
86
00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,934
MAX, WHAT DO YOU DO
FOR A LIVING?
87
00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:21,866
I'M AN ACTOR.
OH, SURE.
WHAT'S THE SOUP OF THE DAY?
88
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:23,872
LISTEN, I DON'T WANT
MY SISTER AND MY NIECE
89
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,874
LIVING IN THIS DEATH TRAP
FOREVER.
90
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:28,336
LOOK, THAT SHOOTING LAST WEEK
WAS AN ISOLATED INCIDENT.
91
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:29,906
(gunshot fires)
92
00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:31,013
WHAT WAS THAT?
93
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,784
THAT WAS A GUN.
94
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:35,951
WHY--WHY WOULD I
SHOW HARRY THIS?
95
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:37,693
BECAUSE HE'S AN ARCHITECT.
96
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:38,748
HE DESIGNED
A CHICKEN RESTAURANT.
97
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,346
I MEAN, BIG DEAL.
COME ON.
98
00:03:40,388 --> 00:03:41,918
ARE YOU TELLING ME
THERE'S NO CONNECTION
99
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,355
BETWEEN A COMEDY CLUB
AND A CHICKEN RESTAURANT?
100
00:03:43,391 --> 00:03:44,931
PR-PRETTY MUCH.
CLUB SELLS HOT WINGS.
101
00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:45,958
TAKE AWAY THE COMICS,
102
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,633
YOUR CLUB
IS A CHICKEN RESTAURANT.
103
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,431
IT--IT IS UNBELIEVABLE
HOW YOU ALWAYS TAKE HIS SIDE.
104
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:51,103
I AM NOT TAKING SIDES.
105
00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:53,371
I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE
IN SIDES.
106
00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:55,801
WITHOUT SIDES,
EVERYTHING FALLS APART.
107
00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:57,266
REALLY?
EVERYTHING'S FLAT, YES.
108
00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:59,765
LIKE WHAT?
A BOAT BECOMES...
109
00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:01,037
A-A RAFT.
UH-HUH?
110
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,284
A PYRAMID BECOMES SAND.
111
00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:04,710
A BOWL OF SOUP
BECOMES A STAIN.
112
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:09,075
CIVILIZED PEOPLE
NEED SIDES, ELAINE.
113
00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:12,446
(under breath) CIVILIZED PEOPLE
NEED XANAX, MAX.
114
00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,246
SO YOU'RE IN MEDICINE.
FANCY.
115
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:15,988
OR ARE YOU AN EXTRA
ON "GREY'S ANATOMY"?
116
00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:18,733
(laughs) UH, YEAH.
I'M--I'M--I'M IN MEDICINE,
117
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:21,229
AND, UH, IT'S LARGELY
BECAUSE OF YOU.
118
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,161
ME?
YEAH. YEAH.
119
00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:25,466
OH, YOU WERE SO OBSESSED
WITH SAVING THE PLANET,
120
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:28,439
THAT IT HAD
THIS BIG EFFECT ON ME.
121
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,099
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS SO CRAZY.
122
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,407
WE GOTTA HANG OUT.
WE DO. GOT TO.
123
00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:32,969
AND JUST CATCH UP ON ALL--
WE ARE ALL GOING
124
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:36,336
TO POLLY'S HOUSE
FOR THE ACADEMY AWARDS.
125
00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:38,777
BECAUSE SHE'S KIND,
126
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:41,252
AND... SHE SHOPS HERE SO MUCH,
127
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:44,081
AND SHE INVITED ME.
SO YOU SHOULD COME.
128
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:44,987
HERE'S THE ADDRESS.
129
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:46,648
OH, OKAY. UM, THANK YOU.
130
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:49,617
UM, YEAH. AND I GUESS
I WILL SEE YOU THERE.
131
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,017
GREAT.
OKAY.
132
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:52,658
OH, GREGG, UH,
GLAD YOU'RE NOT DEAD.
133
00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:55,633
ME, TOO.
134
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,473
BYE.
BYE.
135
00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:59,428
(lowered voice)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
136
00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:01,497
YOU'RE WELCOME.
NOW YOU CAN HIT THAT.
137
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,765
NO. IN ORDER FOR ME
TO "HIT THAT,"
138
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,814
HE HAS TO WANT TO "HIT" THIS,
WHICH HE DOESN'T.
(door bells jingle)
139
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,309
(door closes)
HE TOTALLY DOES.
140
00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:08,941
OKAY, FREEZE IT.
141
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:09,936
(key clicks)
SEE?
142
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,707
UNNECESSARY ARM TOUCH.
143
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:15,375
NOW NOTICE HOW HE'S NOT TAKING
HIS EYES OFF YOUR MOUTH.
144
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:17,886
WHAT DOES IT MEAN
WHEN THEY LOOK AT YOUR MOUTH?
145
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:20,988
IT MEANS THEY WANNA
PUT THINGS IN YOUR MOUTH.
146
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,691
LIKE FEED YOU?
147
00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:24,323
OH, THAT'S DIRTY.
148
00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:27,028
O.M.G.
I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THAT.
149
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,960
HE DID A BUTT CHECK.
EVEN I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
150
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,327
OH, MY GOD, THIS IS HORRIFIC.
151
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:34,296
(gasps)
I THINK YOU'RE USING
THAT WORD WRONG.
152
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,874
I FINALLY HAVE A SHOT
WITH HOT SCOTT,
153
00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:37,303
BUT THE PERSON HE WANTS
DOES NOT EXIST,
154
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,667
BECAUSE I DID NOT
BECOME THE PERSON
155
00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:40,066
I TOLD EVERYONE I WAS GONNA BE.
156
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:43,877
HEY, AT LEAST
PEOPLE KNOW YOU'RE ALIVE.
157
00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:45,751
I WONDER WHERE I'M BURIED.
158
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:47,209
**
159
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:48,277
HMM.
160
00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:54,186
OKAY, SO NATALIE'S IN BED,
161
00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:56,491
AND I HAVE
INTERESTING INFORMATION.
162
00:05:56,524 --> 00:05:57,834
THERE'S A BOY WHO LIKES ME
163
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,758
WHO'S COMING
TO THE PARTY TOMORROW.
164
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,603
(laughs) OH!
OH! THAT'S TERRIFIC!
165
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:03,259
THERE'S A BOY THAT LIKES HER
COMING TO THE PARTY.
166
00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:05,496
I KNOW, I KNOW.
IT'S VERY EXCITING.
167
00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:07,743
IF I HAD YOUR ABANDON
AND LACK OF AWARENESS
168
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:10,038
THAT I JUST TOLD YOU THERE'S
A CHILD SLEEPING NEARBY,
169
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:11,370
I WOULD BE SCREAMING, TOO.
170
00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:12,905
(squeals)
OKAY, BUT IT'S EXCITING.
171
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:14,510
OH, WHO IS HE? WHO IS HE?
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
172
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:15,782
NO, NO, HOW TALL IS HE?
173
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:17,279
OOH! WHAT FAMOUS PERSON
DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
174
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,010
GUY I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH.
6 FEET.
175
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,246
MAYBE A YOUNG GEORGE CLOONEY.
SCOTT.
176
00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:24,752
ACTUALLY, UH,
WE CALL HIM "HOT SCOTT."
177
00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:26,415
HOT SCOTT, THEN.
SCOTT.
178
00:06:26,454 --> 00:06:27,594
(both gasping)
179
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,391
FANTASTIC.
180
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:31,763
YOU KNOW, A GUY LIKE THAT DOES
NOT STAY ON THE MARKET FOR LONG.
181
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:32,932
SO YOU GOTTA PLAN.
182
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,700
FUNNY
YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT.
183
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,228
YOU SEE, SCOTT ALWAYS
SAW ME AS SOMEONE
184
00:06:36,263 --> 00:06:37,733
WHO WAS GONNA GO ON
TO DO GREAT THINGS.
185
00:06:37,765 --> 00:06:41,435
AND SINCE, INCONVENIENTLY,
I DID NOT,
186
00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:44,539
THE OBJECT HERE IS TO CONTROL
THE ROLLOUT OF INFORMATION,
187
00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:45,942
SO I CAN GET SCOTT
ON THE HOOK
188
00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:47,443
BEFORE HE SEES
WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME,
189
00:06:47,475 --> 00:06:50,035
WHICH I THINK WE CAN ALL
AGREE IS A MESS.
190
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,307
YEAH.
IT IS NOT A MESS.
191
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:53,054
NO, SHE'S RIGHT.
IT IS A MESS.
192
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,450
SO I WILL MOVE
NATALIE'S SLEEPOVER WITH JULIAN
193
00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:55,782
TO TOMORROW NIGHT,
194
00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:57,416
YOU WILL SAY THE WORDS,
"POLLY HAS A LOT
195
00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:59,151
OF IMPORTANT ENVIRONMENTAL
PROJECTS IN THE WORKS,"
196
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:00,986
AND WE WILL TELL HIM
THIS IS MY HOUSE,
197
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,561
AND YOU ARE GUESTS,
AND HE WON'T KNOW I LIVE HERE
198
00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:03,890
UNTIL AFTER WE'RE MARRIED,
199
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,434
AT WHICH POINT,
WON'T REALLY MATTER,
200
00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:07,259
BECAUSE I'LL BE LIVING
IN A DOCTOR CASTLE.
201
00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:09,764
WHOO! DEEP BREATH.
THOUGHT I WAS GONNA PASS OUT.
202
00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:11,627
SO CAN I COUNT ON YOU TWO?
203
00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:14,225
YES. ABSOLUTELY.
WE ARE ON YOUR SIDE.
204
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,737
WELL, I AM. YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T
BELIEVE IN SIDES, APPARENTLY.
205
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,669
I DON'T BELIEVE IN SIDES.
NO.
206
00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,505
I MEAN,
I'M ON EVERYONE'S SIDE.
207
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:20,810
OKAY,
SEE THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE,
208
00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:22,011
'CAUSE IF YOU WERE
ON EVERY SIDE,
209
00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:23,642
YOU WOULD BE
A LIQUID OR A GAS.
210
00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:25,007
OH?
AND SINCE I AM MARRIED
TO YOU,
211
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,775
I KNOW YOU ARE NEITHER.
212
00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:28,024
I THINK
I CAN MAKE THE ARGUMENT
213
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,678
THAT MOM IS
AT LEAST PARTIALLY LIQUID.
214
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:30,777
OOH! SNAP.
215
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:32,918
CHEERS TO THAT.
216
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,293
SINCE THIS WAS NATALIE'S FIRST
NIGHT AT HER DAD'S APARTMENT,
217
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:37,462
I WANTED TO MAKE SURE
IT WAS CHILDPROOF,
218
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:39,531
NOT APOCALYPSE-PROOF.
219
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,430
BRACE YOURSELF.
220
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,601
MM?
221
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,671
OH, MY GOD.
222
00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:47,029
JULIAN, THIS IS AMAZING.
223
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,967
GOOD. GOOD.
224
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:49,972
'CAUSE I MEAN, IF SHE DOESN'T
LIKE IT THE FIRST TIME,
225
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:51,443
SHE MAY NOT
WANNA COME BACK.
226
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,971
YOU GOT
ALL HER FAVORITE BOOKS,
227
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:55,136
DOLLS, A PINK BED?
228
00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:57,505
TRIED TO THINK OF EVERYTHING
A 6-YEAR-OLD MIGHT NEED.
229
00:07:57,545 --> 00:08:00,105
OH, I EVEN PICKED UP
A HAND-CRANK SOLAR RADIO
230
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,817
AND A FILTER THAT TURNS
YOUR PEE INTO DRINKING WATER.
231
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:06,220
SHE IS GONNA HAVE THE BEST TIME.
DON'T WORRY.
232
00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:08,663
PLEASE DON'T LET HER
DRINK HER OWN PEE.
233
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,389
UH, NO.
234
00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:15,133
(orchestral fanfare playing)
235
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,502
HEY. I'M SO GLAD
YOU COULD COME.
236
00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:19,131
GOD, YOU LOOK GREAT.
237
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,226
OH, NO. THIS IS JUST, LIKE,
238
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,798
SOMETHING
A COUPLE CARTOON BIRDS
239
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,667
MADE UP SPECIAL
FOR ME THIS MORNING.
240
00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:27,236
YOU DON'T SAY?
THAT'S SO FUNNY,
241
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,044
'CAUSE THIS ENTIRE OUTFIT--
ALSO MADE BY BIRDS.
242
00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:30,476
(laughs)
243
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,150
UM, COME ON IN.
244
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,349
THERE'S--THERE'S FOOD,
THERE'S DRINKS.
245
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:35,350
IT'S JUST, LIKE,
A NORMAL PARTY
246
00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:37,552
LIKE ANYONE
IN AMERICA WOULD HAVE.
247
00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:38,815
(Max, amplified voice)
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
248
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,192
WELCOME TO THE ACADEMY AWARDS.
249
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:42,821
(cheering)
250
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:45,086
DID I MENTION
MY PARENTS WOULD BE HERE?
251
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,655
OH, OH, AND LOOK,
252
00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:49,264
HERE IS OUR BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER
POLLY, EVERYBODY.
253
00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:51,356
(Elaine)
SHE IS BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT!
(cheers and applause)
254
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:55,338
AND SHE HAS MANY ENVIRONMENTAL
PROJECTS IN THE WORKS.
HI, HONEY. YES.
255
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,608
RIGHT.
SHE'S SAVING ALL THE...
256
00:08:57,638 --> 00:08:59,338
SPERMS.
WHALES.
257
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,012
(mouths words)
AND SHE'S WITH
A FRIEND TONIGHT.
258
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,412
SHE IS.
WHO SHE REFERS TO
AS "HOT SCOTT."
259
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:06,784
(guests) OOH!
DR. HOT SCOTT.
260
00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:08,254
THAT'S RIGHT, AND LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING,
261
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:10,351
IF POLLY ENDS UP
WITH DOCTOR HOT SCOTT,
262
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,723
YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE HEARING
ANY COMPLAINING OUT OF US.
263
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:14,453
THERE'S NO COMPLAINING
OVER HERE! (laughs)
264
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,557
LOVE YOU!
IT'S GONNA BE A MITZVAH,
265
00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,290
IS WHAT IT'S GONNA BE TONIGHT.
LOVE HIM ALREADY.
(mouths words)
266
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,855
OKAY. ENJOY THE PAD THAI.
IT'S SHOWTIME.
(cheering)
267
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,564
UM, WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS?
268
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:23,856
YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA GO
GRAB US SOME DRINKS.
OH.
269
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,267
BY THAT, I MEAN
I NEED A DRINK.
270
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:27,068
(laughs) GREAT.
271
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,640
WHAT?
272
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:31,069
HOW'S IT GOING?
273
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,414
TERRIBLE. HE FLED TO THE BAR
TO ANESTHETIZE HIMSELF.
274
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,880
WE KNEW IT WASN'T GOING WELL.
275
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,278
WE JUST DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT ELSE TO SAY.
276
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:37,709
THIS IS
WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE.
277
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:40,045
I'M NOT
HANDSOME DOCTOR MATERIAL.
278
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,780
I AM SWITCHING
TO EMERGENCY PLAN "B."
279
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:43,215
YOU'RE GONNA BE HONEST
280
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,950
AND BUILD A RELATIONSHIP
ON TRUST?
281
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:47,045
NO. I'M GONNA WAIT TILL
HE'S DRUNK, GET HIM ALONE,
282
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,717
AND FIND A GRACEFUL WAY
TO GET MY TOP OFF.
283
00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:50,656
UNGRACEFUL
IS ALSO ACCEPTABLE.
284
00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:53,561
THE POINT IS, I CALL THESE
BABIES KYRA AND SEDGWICK.
285
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,503
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE THEY ARE "THE CLOSER."
286
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:57,629
(giggles)
287
00:09:57,665 --> 00:10:00,465
I THOUGHT IT WAS
"THE CLOSE-R."
288
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:03,740
BUBBLY! BUBBLY!
WHO WANTS BUBBLY?
289
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,311
(pops)
290
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,438
HARRY!
291
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:09,644
WASN'T AWARE
I HAD MY HANDS ON A GUSHER.
292
00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:11,107
(squeals)
HEY, HARRY, HOW ARE YOU?
293
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:15,284
OH! ELAINE ELIZABETH MONTGOMERY
CLIFT HUXTABLE
294
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,245
LARUE DIAMOND PHILLIPS!
295
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:20,454
HARRY DAVID HYDE PIERCE
MORGAN FREEMAN.
296
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:22,117
AND IF I DIDN'T KNOW YOU,
297
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,515
I'D SAY YOU'RE 20 YEARS
YOUNGER THAN YOU REALLY ARE.
298
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:27,127
BUT SINCE I DO KNOW YOU,
I'D SAY...
299
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,800
(singsongy)
YOU'VE HAD AN EYE LIFT.
300
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:30,959
ACTUALLY, THEY SWITCHED
MY CHEEKS.
301
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:32,468
OH.
IT'S LIKE GETTING
YOUR TIRES ROTATED.
302
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,269
IT'S WHAT THEY DO
IN FRANCE.
303
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,441
(French accent, amplified voice)
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME
304
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,338
HOW THEY DO IT IN FRANCE.
305
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:38,009
BET I DON'T, YOU BAD GIRL!
306
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:40,368
(laughs)
(laughs) LAINEY!
307
00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:42,977
(indistinct conversations)
308
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,250
(champagne splatters)
309
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:49,077
AND DRAW.
310
00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:51,153
(imitates gunshot)
311
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,154
UHH!
(thud)
312
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:55,816
YOU GOT ME, KID. UGH.
313
00:10:55,856 --> 00:11:00,626
(grunts) YOU'RE THE FASTEST
BANANA IN THE WEST.
314
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:01,630
OH.
315
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,701
THIS IS FUN, DADDY.
316
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,871
I KNOW. SO WHAT DO
YOU WANNA DO NEXT?
317
00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:07,069
GO HOME.
318
00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:12,006
HI, YEAH. CAN I GET
A RE... FILL. WOW.
319
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:15,379
THANK YOU. SO TELL ME
ABOUT YOUR LIFE.
320
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,538
I'M SURE YOU'VE DONE
A MILLION AMAZING THINGS
321
00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:19,147
SINCE COLLEGE.
322
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,349
MM, YOU KNOW,
ONE DOESN'T LIKE TO BRAG,
323
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:22,420
SO ONE WILL NOT.
324
00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:24,079
BUT, UH, WHAT ABOUT YOU?
FAIR ENOUGH.
325
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:26,547
BIG TIME DOCTOR.
ALL THE LADIES AFTER YOU.
326
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:28,356
UH...
YOU PROBABLY
BROKE A COUPLE HEARTS.
327
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:29,858
AND THEN SEWED THEM
BACK TOGETHER
328
00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:31,760
BECAUSE YOU'RE A DOCTOR.
(laughs)
329
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,432
(laughs)
330
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:35,600
UH, IT'S REALLY
JUST THE SAME OLD STORY.
MM.
331
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,068
BUT, UH, THIS HOUSE IS GREAT.
OH.
332
00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:39,568
WHEN'D YOU BUY IT?
333
00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:40,569
LET'S GO SWIMMING.
334
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,440
WON'T THAT BE WEIRD?
335
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,909
AT FIRST, BUT THEN
IT WILL BE FANTASTIC.
(cell phone rings)
336
00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:46,168
(ring)
337
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,936
OH. I GOTTA... IT'S, UM...
(ring)
338
00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:50,106
IT'S GREENPEACE.
339
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,883
I, UH... YEAH.
NO, OH, YEAH.
340
00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:53,212
UM, HELLO? POLLY GREEN.
341
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:54,916
Hi. Listen,
342
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:57,618
NATALIE MISSES HER DOG,
SAYS SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO SLEEP,
343
00:11:57,650 --> 00:12:00,220
BUT I CAN'T HAVE DOGS HERE,
SO WHAT DO I DO?
344
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:03,263
I, UH, I WOULD SAY...
345
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:06,690
FISH. FISH ARE ENDANGERED,
AND THEREFORE BY ADOPTING FISH,
346
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,796
WE CAN PROTECT THEM
FROM POLLUTION.
347
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:10,929
THANK YOU.
THAT'S ACTUALLY A GREAT IDEA.
348
00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:13,034
YES, YOU CAN QUOTE ME
ON THAT.
349
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,396
QUOTE YOU TO WHO?
350
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:16,395
(beep)
351
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:17,396
WOW.
352
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:18,807
OH. (scoffs) IT'S NOTHING.
353
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:20,809
COME ON.
LET'S GET YOU SUITED UP.
WOW.
354
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:22,611
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF MAX'S NEW CLUB?
355
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:24,312
UH, IT'S A DEATH TRAP.
OH.
356
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:25,914
YOU THINK EVERYTHING
IS A DEATH TRAP.
357
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,306
YOU'RE LIKE THE BOY
WHO CRIED DEATH TRAP.
358
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,047
(chuckles)
THE CEILINGS ARE TOO LOW.
359
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,952
THAT IS SO
THE LAUGHTER IS LOUDER.
360
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:32,124
ACOUSTICS, MY FRIEND.
361
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:34,292
REMEMBER,
HARRY IS AN ARCHITECT.
362
00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:36,061
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
TAKE HIS SIDE.
363
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,929
LISTEN, ELAINE,
IF HE WANTS TO BURN
364
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:40,228
THROUGH YOUR LIFE SAVINGS
IN SAN DIEGO...
HERE WE GO. YOU READY?
365
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,100
YOU CAN COME LIVE WITH ME.
HERE'S A GOOD IDEA--
366
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,929
WHY DON'T YOU
REDESIGN IT, ARCHITECT?
367
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:45,574
DON'T SHOVE ME
WITH YOUR MOCK-UP.
368
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:46,798
THEN DON'T MOCK MY MOCK-UP.
369
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:49,774
I LOVE HER.
CAN WE NAME HER IVY?
370
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,473
I DATED AN IVY IN HIGH SCHOOL.
371
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:54,344
SHE WAS SUPER CRAZY.
372
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:55,814
AND SHE COULD NOT SWIM.
373
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,483
YOU KNOW WHAT? AS LONG
AS WE DON'T NAME HER
374
00:12:57,510 --> 00:13:01,180
IVY "CRAZY EYES" GOLDMAN,
WE'LL BE FINE.
375
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,193
DADDY, WHAT HAPPENED?
376
00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:07,618
NOTHING. FISH, UH,
THEY DO THAT ALL THE TIME.
377
00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:09,494
YOU KNOW HOW HUMANS
JUMP INTO WATER?
378
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:12,632
FISH LIKE TO...
SO IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
379
00:13:14,962 --> 00:13:16,462
DADDY, WHAT HAPPENED?
380
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:18,696
NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING.
FISH DO THAT, OKAY?
381
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:21,941
YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE...
JUST LIKE HUMAN IVY.
382
00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:25,009
AH... OH...
383
00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:27,538
THESE'LL FIT.
THESE ARE MY EX...
384
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:32,114
...CELLENT EXTRA
MALE SWIM TRUNKS,
385
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:33,675
FOR WHEN I HAVE MALES OVER.
386
00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:35,353
OH.
387
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:38,352
YOU KNOW, IF WE WERE TO SKIP
THE SWIMMING PART,
388
00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:41,715
WE COULD MOVE TO THE KISSING
PART THAT MUCH FASTER.
389
00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:42,824
I HATE SWIMMING.
390
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:46,725
(glass shatters)
391
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:49,829
(Max and Harry
shouting indistinctly)
392
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:52,534
TAKE IT!
YOU TAKE IT!
393
00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,495
TAKE IT!
I DON'T WANT IT!
394
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,374
TAKE IT,
YOU NIT-PICKING MAN-BABY!
395
00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:57,573
OW! OUCH!
396
00:13:57,604 --> 00:14:00,414
UM, IS THERE
A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?
397
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,540
(mouths words)
398
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:04,714
(Harry) OH, MY--
OW! AAH!
399
00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:06,184
OH, GOD.
OH.
400
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,393
WHAT IS THAT THING
IN HIS FACE?
401
00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:14,419
OH, IT'S THE TINY MIC STAND
FROM THE TINY COMEDY CLUB.
402
00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:17,194
NOW CAN YOU FEEL THE MIC
ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR CHEEK?
403
00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:20,194
IS HE GONNA BE OKAY?
DO YOU NEED TO STERILIZE THAT?
404
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:21,857
I HAVE A LOT OF ALCOHOL.
405
00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,395
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
406
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,100
I REALLY DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE
TREATING HIM HERE.
407
00:14:25,132 --> 00:14:26,272
NO.
I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD
TAKE HIM TO THE--WHOA.
408
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:27,369
HEY, IT'S OUT.
409
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:31,440
(snoring)
410
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:32,871
(splats, flaps)
411
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:34,736
BRAVO.
412
00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:37,544
YOU DOCTORS REALLY KNOW
HOW TO SPRING INTO ACTION.
413
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:41,177
YOU MUST HAVE THIGHS
LIKE A... HUMAN FROG.
414
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,854
(cell phone rings)
OH.
415
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:44,953
(ring, beep)
416
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:48,785
HELLO? HELLO, WHO'S THAT?
417
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,021
(speaking indistinctly)
(speaking indistinctly)
418
00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,587
HEY, POLLY, IT'S YOUR EX.
419
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,294
THERE'S A PROBLEM
WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.
420
00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:54,786
AND IF YOU'RE GONNA
LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS,
421
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,927
YOU MIGHT AS WELL SPRING
FOR YOUR OWN PHONE LINE. OW.
422
00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,774
(chuckles nervously)
423
00:14:58,798 --> 00:15:00,868
YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER
AND AN EX,
424
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:04,400
AND YOU LIVE HERE, AND YOU DON'T
HAVE YOUR OWN PHONE LINE?
425
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:07,307
I DECIDED TO CONFESS.
426
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,910
YES, YES, YES, AND YES.
427
00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:11,413
* TA-DA
428
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,154
ONE SECOND.
429
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:14,250
WHAT'S GOING ON?
430
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:15,951
IVY "CRAZY EYES" GOLDMAN
IS DEAD.
431
00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:17,383
YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND
IS DEAD?
432
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,047
No, no.
433
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:21,546
IVY "CRAZY EYES" GOLDMAN,
THE FISH I BOUGHT FOR NATALIE.
434
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,558
SHE WOKE UP
AND SAW IT LYING ON THE FLOOR,
435
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,130
AND NOW SHE WANTS TO GO HOME.
436
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:27,228
And she's crying like crazy.
437
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,760
JULIAN...
438
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:30,095
UGH.
439
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,400
IT'S FINE.
440
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:34,171
UM, I WILL BE RIGHT THERE.
(beeps)
441
00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:36,101
(laughs) WELL,
THIS IS HUMILIATING.
442
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,066
UM, YOU PROBABLY
GUESSED BY NOW
443
00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:42,075
THAT I DID NOT GO ON TO DO
AMAZING THINGS AFTER COLLEGE.
444
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:43,939
I WORK IN A MARKET.
445
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:47,477
I'M DIVORCED,
AND I HAVE A GREAT KID
446
00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:50,984
WHO REALLY NEEDS ME RIGHT NOW,
SO I GOTTA GO.
447
00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:54,188
IT WAS REALLY GREAT SEEING YOU
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.
448
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:57,891
UM, SORRY TO BE
SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT.
449
00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:04,428
HEY, FELLAS. WHO WANTS TO GO
ON A FIELD TRIP?
450
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:05,804
YOU STABBED MY BROTHER
IN THE CHEEK,
451
00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:07,672
AND THEN YOU LIFT WEIGHTS?
452
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,040
YES, THAT'S WHAT I DO.
453
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:11,139
AND WHATEVER I DO,
YOU SHOULD BE BEHIND IT.
454
00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,771
I NOTICED
YOU CHECKED ON HIM FIRST.
455
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,035
YOU THINK I WANNA BE OUT HERE
456
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,514
MISSING
THE IRVING THALBERG AWARD?
457
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,942
HE HAD PART OF A BUILDING
IN HIS FACE.
458
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,807
YOU ARE SO UNNATURALLY CLOSE
TO YOUR BROTHER.
WHAT?
459
00:16:20,847 --> 00:16:22,977
YOU ARE UNHEALTHILY ENMESHED...
OH.
460
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:27,146
WITH UNDERTONES OF
SUBCONSCIOUS INCESTUAL DESIRES.
461
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:29,657
YES.
NO, WE JUST HAPPEN TO BE
TWO VERY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.
462
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:32,059
WHAT--HAVE YOU MET HIM?
YOU KNOW MY FAMILY'S SITUATION.
463
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:33,332
MY FATHER WAS SICK.
464
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:34,860
AND HARRY FELT IT
WAS HIS RESPONSIBILITY
465
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:36,464
TO TAKE CARE OF ME.
466
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,226
(clank)
RIGHT, AND EVERY TIME
HE SAYS THAT,
467
00:16:38,265 --> 00:16:40,195
IT MAKES ME THINK
THAT HE THINKS
468
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:41,503
I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF YOU.
469
00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:42,804
WHAT?
470
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,535
I THINK THAT IN
A LIFE-OR-DEATH SITUATION,
471
00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:46,341
YOU WOULD CHOOSE
YOUR BROTHER OVER ME.
472
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:49,143
IF A GUNMAN CAME IN HERE
WITH A GUN
473
00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,636
AND MADE YOU PICK
WHICH ONE OF US TO KILL,
474
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,748
YOU WOULD SAVE
YOUR BROTHER'S LIFE OVER MINE!
475
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:55,220
WHAT KIND OF
A GUNMAN IS THIS?
476
00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:57,048
JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION.
LIFE-OR-DEATH SITUATION.
477
00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:58,654
WHAT, HE GOES
INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES
478
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:00,915
AND FORCES THEM TO MAKE
DIFFICULT EMOTIONAL CHOICES?
479
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,863
THAT'S WHAT HE DOES, ELAINE.
THAT'S HIS BREAD AND BUTTER.
480
00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:04,219
AND WHY DOESN'T HE WANT
OUR CLOTHES
481
00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:06,327
OUR OUR MONEY
OR JEWELRY?
482
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,329
MAYBE YOU CAN ASK HIM
AFTER HE SHOOTS ME IN THE FACE.
483
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:10,332
WELL, MAYBE I WILL.
484
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:12,173
FINE.
485
00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:15,839
(knock on door)
486
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,238
(lowered voice) HI. HEY.
HEY.
487
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:19,210
I GOTTA HURRY.
I'M DOUBLE PARKED.
SHH.
488
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:20,869
I JUST GOT HER
TO GO TO SLEEP.
489
00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:22,537
WHAT?
490
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,405
I REALIZED I CAN'T KEEP
CALLING YOU TO SOLVE EVERYTHING.
491
00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:26,714
SO I TOLD HER THE TRUTH.
492
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:29,746
WE HAD A FUNERAL.
FLUSH. (whistles)
493
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:31,622
SHE WENT TO SLEEP.
494
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:32,551
YOU LOOK FANCY.
495
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:35,255
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
496
00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:36,958
YOU DID SUCH A GOOD JOB.
497
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:38,759
I JUST WISH YOU WOULD HAVE
CALLED ME AND TOLD ME THAT.
498
00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:40,531
BUT OF COURSE, YOU COULDN'T,
499
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,600
BECAUSE YOU WERE HAVING A BIG,
TRIUMPHANT FATHER MOMENT.
500
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:47,329
SO I WILL JUST GO HOME
AND START OVER AGAIN TOMORROW.
501
00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:49,395
YOU CARRYING A FISH?
502
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:50,896
OH, YEAH.
503
00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:52,567
I WAS GONNA CONVINCE NATALIE
TO SPEND THE NIGHT HERE.
504
00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:54,365
SHE NEEDS HER FATHER.
505
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,777
AND YOU'RE
A GREAT FATHER TO HAVE.
506
00:17:56,809 --> 00:18:01,449
YOU KNOW WHAT?
A BACKUP CAN'T HURT.
507
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:02,451
OH, HEY--
508
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:04,722
HOW'S YOUR NIGHT?
509
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,651
UM, I WAS KIND OF HOPING IT
WOULD TURN OUT A LITTLE BETTER.
510
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:12,957
IT'S ACADEMY AWARDS NIGHT.
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
511
00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:14,432
(keys jangle)
YES.
512
00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:18,429
(applause on TV)
513
00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:21,725
OH, THE "IN MEMORIAM"
IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SHOW.
514
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:25,138
WHY IS ANDY GRIFFITH IN THIS?
HE'S A TV GUY.
515
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:26,572
ANDY GRIFFITH WAS IN
516
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,406
ELIA KAZAN'S
"FACE IN THE CROWD."
517
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:31,181
IT WAS A BRILLIANT,
BREAKTHROUGH, STAR-MAKING TURN.
518
00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:32,981
ANDY IS A LEGEND
519
00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:35,922
WHO STARTED OUT
AS A COMIC IN THE SMALL CLUBS,
520
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,648
LIKE THE ONE
I SMASHED INTO YOUR FACE.
521
00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:40,785
ELAINE, BACK ME UP HERE.
522
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:43,120
HARRY, YOU'RE MY BROTHER,
AND I LOVE YOU,
523
00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:46,326
BUT IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD
ABOUT ANDY GRIFFITH,
524
00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,799
I'M GONNA
SET MYSELF ON FIRE.
525
00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:49,998
(orchestra playing
melancholy score)
526
00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:53,129
**
527
00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:55,366
I WISH THAT GUNMAN
WOULD COME IN RIGHT NOW,
528
00:18:55,402 --> 00:18:58,102
'CAUSE I THINK I DID
A PRETTY FANTASTIC JOB.
529
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,967
(kisses)
530
00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,866
LOOKS LIKE
I WAS GOING HOME A LOSER,
531
00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:03,778
WHICH MAKES SENSE,
532
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,180
BECAUSE LOSERS TYPICALLY LIVE
WITH THEIR PARENTS.
533
00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:08,883
(blows raspberry)
OH, GOD.
534
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:09,875
BLAH.
535
00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:16,194
(imitating gunshots)
536
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:17,163
HI, POLLY.
OH, MY GOD.
537
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:18,830
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
538
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:21,388
I'M JUST HIDING FROM YOUR FAMILY
AND WAITING FOR YOU.
539
00:19:21,428 --> 00:19:23,528
I SHOULD PUT
MY DRESS BACK ON.
540
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,373
YEAH. YEAH,
YOU REALLY SHOULD,
541
00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:27,028
BECAUSE...
542
00:19:27,066 --> 00:19:28,666
I'M NOT A DOCTOR.
543
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:29,741
WHAT?
544
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,699
I'M A MURSE.
545
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:33,038
I'M A MALE NURSE.
546
00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:35,882
I'M A DIVORCED MALE NURSE
WITH TWO BOYS.
547
00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:37,538
AND I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE
TOLD YOU THIS SOONER,
548
00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:38,977
BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE
THIS INCREDIBLE PERSON
549
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,851
WHO WOULD HAVE
NO INTEREST IN ME.
550
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,380
I'M NOT. I'M NOT. I'M, LIKE,
A TREMENDOUS DISAPPOINTMENT.
551
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,216
OH, WELL, SO AM I.
552
00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,092
THIS IS FANTASTIC!
WE BOTH DIDN'T BECOME ANYTHING.
AHH...
553
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,019
WELL, I MEAN,
I THINK YOU DID.
554
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:51,385
BESIDES CULTIVATING
AN INCREDIBLE RIGHT ARM,
555
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,394
I THINK IT SOUNDS
LIKE YOU'RE A GREAT MOM,
556
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:56,326
YOUR FAMILY IS HILARIOUS,
AND YOUR BOOBS ARE INSANE.
557
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,173
THEY ARE. THEY HEAR VOICES.
558
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,368
LET'S BE KISSING NOW.
559
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:02,941
SO MY MOM WAS RIGHT
ABOUT ONE THING--
560
00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:04,239
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN
561
00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:07,771
ON THE NIGHT
OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS.
562
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:11,507
A FATHER CAN FIND
HIS CONFIDENCE...
563
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,284
A WIFE CAN TAKE A SIDE...
564
00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:16,054
TWO BROTHERS-IN-LAW
CAN LEARN TO SHARE
565
00:20:16,082 --> 00:20:19,452
THE MOST IMPORTANT WOMAN
IN THEIR LIVES.
566
00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:23,858
AND I GOT TO HAVE
AN AMAZING KISS
567
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,290
IN MY PUSH-UP BRA
AND CONTROL TOPS,
568
00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:27,055
WITH AN INCREDIBLY
TOLERANT NURSE
569
00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:29,303
WHO'S A REALLY GOOD KISSER.
570
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:31,959
ON OSCAR NIGHT, THEY USUALLY
PLAY YOU OFF AFTER 45 SECONDS.
571
00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:36,098
HOPEFULLY,
THIS LASTS LONGER THAN THAT.
572
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,110
ANOTHER ACADEMY AWARDS PARTY
FOR THE BOOKS.
573
00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:45,212
DID ALL YOUR DREAMS
COME TRUE?
574
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,154
UH, YOU COULD SAY THAT.
575
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:49,249
SCOTT WAS FANTASTIC.
YOU THINK HE'LL CALL AGAIN?
576
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,122
(chuckles) HE WILL
IF HE KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD FOR HIM.
577
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:53,790
(laughs)
578
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:55,790
(door closes)
579
00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:57,462
(laughs)
580
00:20:57,490 --> 00:20:59,460
OOH.
581
00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:03,762
BUT TELL HIM TO MOVE HIS CAR,
'CAUSE IT'S STREET CLEANING DAY.
582
00:21:03,796 --> 00:21:04,756
(whispers) RIGHT.
583
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,170
UGH.
42309
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.