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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,902 --> 00:00:03,402 (Polly) THE ACADEMY AWARDS 2 00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:06,637 IS MY FAMILY'S FAVORITE HOLIDAY. 3 00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,144 AW... 4 00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:09,206 (laughs) 5 00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:10,683 LET ME CLARIFY. 6 00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:11,881 MY FAMILY THINKS THE ACADEMY AWARDS 7 00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:13,712 IS AN ACTUAL HOLIDAY. 8 00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:15,877 AND LIKE ANY HOLIDAY THAT INCLUDES FAMILY, 9 00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:17,846 IT CAN BE FRAUGHT WITH PERIL. 10 00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:19,545 (camera shutter clicks) (laughs) 11 00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:20,987 JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA INVITE 12 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,261 MY FRIENDS FROM WORK TO THE PARTY. 13 00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:23,720 WELL, YOU'RE STILL GOING TO SOCIALIZE? 14 00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:24,727 'CAUSE THERE'S GONNA BE A SMORGASBORD 15 00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:26,428 OF SINGLE MEN HERE. 16 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,760 GARY JUST GOT HIS NEW KIDNEY, SO HE'S GOOD TO GO. 17 00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:30,696 TED'S WIFE FINALLY DIED, SO HE'S BACK ON THE MARKET. 18 00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:32,701 (laughs) IT'S THE ACADEMY AWARDS. 19 00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:34,773 ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. 20 00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:37,712 GUYS, GUYS--AND I MEAN THIS IN THE VERY BEST POSSIBLE WAY-- 21 00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:41,078 ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS LOOK LIKE VARIOUS STAGES OF KENNY ROGERS. 22 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,254 WHAT'S WRONG WITH KENNY ROGERS? 23 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,949 I THINK HE LOOKS FANTASTIC. YEAH. 24 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,792 I'LL COME TO YOUR PARENTS' PARTY, 25 00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:55,391 BUT I CHECKED OUT OF AWARDS SEASON 26 00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,393 WHEN THEY SNUBBED "IRON MAN." 27 00:00:57,425 --> 00:00:59,855 (door bells jingle) THESE SUPERHEROES COME HERE TO SAVE US, 28 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,603 WE DON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THEM. 29 00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:02,929 IT'S UNACCEPTABLE. 30 00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:05,033 HOLY CRAP. 31 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:08,165 (door bells jingle) SCOTT MARCOS JUST WALKED IN. 32 00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:13,308 OH, MY GOD. HOT SCOTT MARCOS? 33 00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:17,351 AND HE'S IN DOCTOR CLOTHES. NOW HE'S DOCTOR HOT SCOTT? 34 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,720 WHO IS HOT SCOTT? 35 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,619 HE WAS THE GUY IN OUR DORM WHO WAS TOTALLY GORGEOUS, 36 00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:24,951 PLAYED WATER POLO, 37 00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,385 AND LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY IN COLLEGE, 38 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,820 FOUND ME INTENSE AND OFF-PUTTING. 39 00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:32,626 OH, GUYS FROM NEXT DOOR. YEAH. HOW'S IT GOING? 40 00:01:32,660 --> 00:01:34,830 TERRIBLE. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY SPECIES 41 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,462 ARE BECOMING EXTINCT IN THE OCEAN 42 00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:38,427 WHILE YOU SIT IN YOUR ROOM LISTENING TO SUGAR RAY, 43 00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:41,336 WITH YOUR SHIRT OFF, LOOKING AMAZING? 44 00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:44,409 OH, MY GOD, HE'S COMING OVER HERE. 45 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:49,808 (angelic choir vocalizes, harp plays) 46 00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,453 WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? 47 00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:52,909 EVERYONE IN COLLEGE THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE AMAZING 48 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,516 AND CHANGE THE WORLD. 49 00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:55,778 AND NOW I WORK IN A MARKET AND CHANGE THE TOILET PAPER. 50 00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:57,016 WHEN YOU REMEMBER. 51 00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:58,620 I'M A DIVORCED SINGLE MOM 52 00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:01,822 WHO LIVES WITH HER PARENTS, AND HE IS A DOCTOR. 53 00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:02,915 HMM. 54 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,626 UM, COULD I GET A GRUYERE 55 00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:08,829 AND A 1997 CALIFORNIA CABERNET? 56 00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,532 WHY IS IT OKAY FOR ME TO WORK HERE? 57 00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:12,204 SHH! POLLY? 58 00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:15,603 OH... SCOTT MARCOS?! 59 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,636 WHAT--NO WAY! 60 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:20,211 HI. YEAH. (laughs) OH, YOU'RE HUGGING ME. OKAY. OH. 61 00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:23,711 HOW ARE YOU, BESIDES VERY... FIT? 62 00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:26,184 I'M--I'M GOOD. I'M REALLY GOOD. HOW ARE YOU? 63 00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:28,354 GOOD. GOOD. SUPER GOOD. REALLY SUPER GOOD. 64 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,882 UM, I WAS JUST LOADING UP ON SOME WINE AND CHEESE, YEP. YEP. 65 00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:32,648 AND, UM, WINE. 66 00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:34,486 'CAUSE I GOT A BIG OSCAR PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT. 67 00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:35,822 LOT OF FUN FOLKS. COOL. 68 00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,956 YEAH, I SAID "FOLKS." 69 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,731 UH, WAIT A MINUTE. UH, GREGG, RIGHT? 70 00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:44,531 THAT'S RIGHT. HI, SCOTT MARCOS. 71 00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:46,295 YOU KNOW, GREGG, I THINK, UH, 72 00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:48,044 I THINK SOMEBODY TOLD ME THAT YOU KILLED YOURSELF. 73 00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:50,298 THAT WAS HEROIN GREGG. (mouths words) 74 00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:51,968 I WAS ZIMA GREGG. 75 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:53,335 OKAY. 76 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:56,484 AND I WAS, UM... 77 00:02:56,510 --> 00:03:00,250 JUST POLLY. PO--JUST POLLY. JUST POLLY. 78 00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,551 OKAY, HERE IT IS-- 79 00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:04,693 THE MOCK-UP OF THE SAN DIEGO CLUB. 80 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:07,518 OH... ISN'T SHE A BEAUT? LOOK AT THIS. 81 00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:09,415 SHE A BEAUTY? AND LOOK, SEE ON THE STAGE? 82 00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:11,227 MINI JERRY SEINFELD. (laughs) 83 00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:13,229 OH, HARRY SHOULD LOOK AT THIS. 84 00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:14,901 MY STEPFATHER HAS HAD A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER 85 00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,028 ABOUT MY MOM'S BROTHER EVER SINCE THEY MET. 86 00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,934 MAX, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? 87 00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:21,866 I'M AN ACTOR. OH, SURE. WHAT'S THE SOUP OF THE DAY? 88 00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:23,872 LISTEN, I DON'T WANT MY SISTER AND MY NIECE 89 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,874 LIVING IN THIS DEATH TRAP FOREVER. 90 00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:28,336 LOOK, THAT SHOOTING LAST WEEK WAS AN ISOLATED INCIDENT. 91 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:29,906 (gunshot fires) 92 00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:31,013 WHAT WAS THAT? 93 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,784 THAT WAS A GUN. 94 00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:35,951 WHY--WHY WOULD I SHOW HARRY THIS? 95 00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:37,693 BECAUSE HE'S AN ARCHITECT. 96 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:38,748 HE DESIGNED A CHICKEN RESTAURANT. 97 00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,346 I MEAN, BIG DEAL. COME ON. 98 00:03:40,388 --> 00:03:41,918 ARE YOU TELLING ME THERE'S NO CONNECTION 99 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,355 BETWEEN A COMEDY CLUB AND A CHICKEN RESTAURANT? 100 00:03:43,391 --> 00:03:44,931 PR-PRETTY MUCH. CLUB SELLS HOT WINGS. 101 00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:45,958 TAKE AWAY THE COMICS, 102 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,633 YOUR CLUB IS A CHICKEN RESTAURANT. 103 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,431 IT--IT IS UNBELIEVABLE HOW YOU ALWAYS TAKE HIS SIDE. 104 00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:51,103 I AM NOT TAKING SIDES. 105 00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:53,371 I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN SIDES. 106 00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:55,801 WITHOUT SIDES, EVERYTHING FALLS APART. 107 00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:57,266 REALLY? EVERYTHING'S FLAT, YES. 108 00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:59,765 LIKE WHAT? A BOAT BECOMES... 109 00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:01,037 A-A RAFT. UH-HUH? 110 00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,284 A PYRAMID BECOMES SAND. 111 00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:04,710 A BOWL OF SOUP BECOMES A STAIN. 112 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:09,075 CIVILIZED PEOPLE NEED SIDES, ELAINE. 113 00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:12,446 (under breath) CIVILIZED PEOPLE NEED XANAX, MAX. 114 00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,246 SO YOU'RE IN MEDICINE. FANCY. 115 00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:15,988 OR ARE YOU AN EXTRA ON "GREY'S ANATOMY"? 116 00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:18,733 (laughs) UH, YEAH. I'M--I'M--I'M IN MEDICINE, 117 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:21,229 AND, UH, IT'S LARGELY BECAUSE OF YOU. 118 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,161 ME? YEAH. YEAH. 119 00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:25,466 OH, YOU WERE SO OBSESSED WITH SAVING THE PLANET, 120 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:28,439 THAT IT HAD THIS BIG EFFECT ON ME. 121 00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,099 OH, MY GOD. THIS IS SO CRAZY. 122 00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,407 WE GOTTA HANG OUT. WE DO. GOT TO. 123 00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:32,969 AND JUST CATCH UP ON ALL-- WE ARE ALL GOING 124 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:36,336 TO POLLY'S HOUSE FOR THE ACADEMY AWARDS. 125 00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:38,777 BECAUSE SHE'S KIND, 126 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:41,252 AND... SHE SHOPS HERE SO MUCH, 127 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:44,081 AND SHE INVITED ME. SO YOU SHOULD COME. 128 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:44,987 HERE'S THE ADDRESS. 129 00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:46,648 OH, OKAY. UM, THANK YOU. 130 00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:49,617 UM, YEAH. AND I GUESS I WILL SEE YOU THERE. 131 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,017 GREAT. OKAY. 132 00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:52,658 OH, GREGG, UH, GLAD YOU'RE NOT DEAD. 133 00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:55,633 ME, TOO. 134 00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,473 BYE. BYE. 135 00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:59,428 (lowered voice) WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 136 00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:01,497 YOU'RE WELCOME. NOW YOU CAN HIT THAT. 137 00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,765 NO. IN ORDER FOR ME TO "HIT THAT," 138 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,814 HE HAS TO WANT TO "HIT" THIS, WHICH HE DOESN'T. (door bells jingle) 139 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,309 (door closes) HE TOTALLY DOES. 140 00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:08,941 OKAY, FREEZE IT. 141 00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:09,936 (key clicks) SEE? 142 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,707 UNNECESSARY ARM TOUCH. 143 00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:15,375 NOW NOTICE HOW HE'S NOT TAKING HIS EYES OFF YOUR MOUTH. 144 00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:17,886 WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN THEY LOOK AT YOUR MOUTH? 145 00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:20,988 IT MEANS THEY WANNA PUT THINGS IN YOUR MOUTH. 146 00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,691 LIKE FEED YOU? 147 00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:24,323 OH, THAT'S DIRTY. 148 00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:27,028 O.M.G. I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THAT. 149 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,960 HE DID A BUTT CHECK. EVEN I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. 150 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,327 OH, MY GOD, THIS IS HORRIFIC. 151 00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:34,296 (gasps) I THINK YOU'RE USING THAT WORD WRONG. 152 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,874 I FINALLY HAVE A SHOT WITH HOT SCOTT, 153 00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:37,303 BUT THE PERSON HE WANTS DOES NOT EXIST, 154 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,667 BECAUSE I DID NOT BECOME THE PERSON 155 00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:40,066 I TOLD EVERYONE I WAS GONNA BE. 156 00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:43,877 HEY, AT LEAST PEOPLE KNOW YOU'RE ALIVE. 157 00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:45,751 I WONDER WHERE I'M BURIED. 158 00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:47,209 ** 159 00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:48,277 HMM. 160 00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:54,186 OKAY, SO NATALIE'S IN BED, 161 00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:56,491 AND I HAVE INTERESTING INFORMATION. 162 00:05:56,524 --> 00:05:57,834 THERE'S A BOY WHO LIKES ME 163 00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,758 WHO'S COMING TO THE PARTY TOMORROW. 164 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,603 (laughs) OH! OH! THAT'S TERRIFIC! 165 00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:03,259 THERE'S A BOY THAT LIKES HER COMING TO THE PARTY. 166 00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:05,496 I KNOW, I KNOW. IT'S VERY EXCITING. 167 00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:07,743 IF I HAD YOUR ABANDON AND LACK OF AWARENESS 168 00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:10,038 THAT I JUST TOLD YOU THERE'S A CHILD SLEEPING NEARBY, 169 00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:11,370 I WOULD BE SCREAMING, TOO. 170 00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:12,905 (squeals) OKAY, BUT IT'S EXCITING. 171 00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:14,510 OH, WHO IS HE? WHO IS HE? WHAT'S HIS NAME? 172 00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:15,782 NO, NO, HOW TALL IS HE? 173 00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:17,279 OOH! WHAT FAMOUS PERSON DOES HE LOOK LIKE? 174 00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,010 GUY I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH. 6 FEET. 175 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,246 MAYBE A YOUNG GEORGE CLOONEY. SCOTT. 176 00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:24,752 ACTUALLY, UH, WE CALL HIM "HOT SCOTT." 177 00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:26,415 HOT SCOTT, THEN. SCOTT. 178 00:06:26,454 --> 00:06:27,594 (both gasping) 179 00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,391 FANTASTIC. 180 00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:31,763 YOU KNOW, A GUY LIKE THAT DOES NOT STAY ON THE MARKET FOR LONG. 181 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:32,932 SO YOU GOTTA PLAN. 182 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,700 FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT. 183 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,228 YOU SEE, SCOTT ALWAYS SAW ME AS SOMEONE 184 00:06:36,263 --> 00:06:37,733 WHO WAS GONNA GO ON TO DO GREAT THINGS. 185 00:06:37,765 --> 00:06:41,435 AND SINCE, INCONVENIENTLY, I DID NOT, 186 00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:44,539 THE OBJECT HERE IS TO CONTROL THE ROLLOUT OF INFORMATION, 187 00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:45,942 SO I CAN GET SCOTT ON THE HOOK 188 00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:47,443 BEFORE HE SEES WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME, 189 00:06:47,475 --> 00:06:50,035 WHICH I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE IS A MESS. 190 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,307 YEAH. IT IS NOT A MESS. 191 00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:53,054 NO, SHE'S RIGHT. IT IS A MESS. 192 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,450 SO I WILL MOVE NATALIE'S SLEEPOVER WITH JULIAN 193 00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:55,782 TO TOMORROW NIGHT, 194 00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:57,416 YOU WILL SAY THE WORDS, "POLLY HAS A LOT 195 00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:59,151 OF IMPORTANT ENVIRONMENTAL PROJECTS IN THE WORKS," 196 00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:00,986 AND WE WILL TELL HIM THIS IS MY HOUSE, 197 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,561 AND YOU ARE GUESTS, AND HE WON'T KNOW I LIVE HERE 198 00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:03,890 UNTIL AFTER WE'RE MARRIED, 199 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,434 AT WHICH POINT, WON'T REALLY MATTER, 200 00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:07,259 BECAUSE I'LL BE LIVING IN A DOCTOR CASTLE. 201 00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:09,764 WHOO! DEEP BREATH. THOUGHT I WAS GONNA PASS OUT. 202 00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:11,627 SO CAN I COUNT ON YOU TWO? 203 00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:14,225 YES. ABSOLUTELY. WE ARE ON YOUR SIDE. 204 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,737 WELL, I AM. YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T BELIEVE IN SIDES, APPARENTLY. 205 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,669 I DON'T BELIEVE IN SIDES. NO. 206 00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,505 I MEAN, I'M ON EVERYONE'S SIDE. 207 00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:20,810 OKAY, SEE THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE, 208 00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:22,011 'CAUSE IF YOU WERE ON EVERY SIDE, 209 00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:23,642 YOU WOULD BE A LIQUID OR A GAS. 210 00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:25,007 OH? AND SINCE I AM MARRIED TO YOU, 211 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,775 I KNOW YOU ARE NEITHER. 212 00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:28,024 I THINK I CAN MAKE THE ARGUMENT 213 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,678 THAT MOM IS AT LEAST PARTIALLY LIQUID. 214 00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:30,777 OOH! SNAP. 215 00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:32,918 CHEERS TO THAT. 216 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,293 SINCE THIS WAS NATALIE'S FIRST NIGHT AT HER DAD'S APARTMENT, 217 00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:37,462 I WANTED TO MAKE SURE IT WAS CHILDPROOF, 218 00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:39,531 NOT APOCALYPSE-PROOF. 219 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,430 BRACE YOURSELF. 220 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,601 MM? 221 00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,671 OH, MY GOD. 222 00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:47,029 JULIAN, THIS IS AMAZING. 223 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,967 GOOD. GOOD. 224 00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:49,972 'CAUSE I MEAN, IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT THE FIRST TIME, 225 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:51,443 SHE MAY NOT WANNA COME BACK. 226 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,971 YOU GOT ALL HER FAVORITE BOOKS, 227 00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:55,136 DOLLS, A PINK BED? 228 00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:57,505 TRIED TO THINK OF EVERYTHING A 6-YEAR-OLD MIGHT NEED. 229 00:07:57,545 --> 00:08:00,105 OH, I EVEN PICKED UP A HAND-CRANK SOLAR RADIO 230 00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,817 AND A FILTER THAT TURNS YOUR PEE INTO DRINKING WATER. 231 00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:06,220 SHE IS GONNA HAVE THE BEST TIME. DON'T WORRY. 232 00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:08,663 PLEASE DON'T LET HER DRINK HER OWN PEE. 233 00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,389 UH, NO. 234 00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:15,133 (orchestral fanfare playing) 235 00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,502 HEY. I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME. 236 00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:19,131 GOD, YOU LOOK GREAT. 237 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,226 OH, NO. THIS IS JUST, LIKE, 238 00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,798 SOMETHING A COUPLE CARTOON BIRDS 239 00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,667 MADE UP SPECIAL FOR ME THIS MORNING. 240 00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:27,236 YOU DON'T SAY? THAT'S SO FUNNY, 241 00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,044 'CAUSE THIS ENTIRE OUTFIT-- ALSO MADE BY BIRDS. 242 00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:30,476 (laughs) 243 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,150 UM, COME ON IN. 244 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,349 THERE'S--THERE'S FOOD, THERE'S DRINKS. 245 00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:35,350 IT'S JUST, LIKE, A NORMAL PARTY 246 00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:37,552 LIKE ANYONE IN AMERICA WOULD HAVE. 247 00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:38,815 (Max, amplified voice) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 248 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,192 WELCOME TO THE ACADEMY AWARDS. 249 00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:42,821 (cheering) 250 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:45,086 DID I MENTION MY PARENTS WOULD BE HERE? 251 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,655 OH, OH, AND LOOK, 252 00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:49,264 HERE IS OUR BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER POLLY, EVERYBODY. 253 00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:51,356 (Elaine) SHE IS BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT! (cheers and applause) 254 00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:55,338 AND SHE HAS MANY ENVIRONMENTAL PROJECTS IN THE WORKS. HI, HONEY. YES. 255 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,608 RIGHT. SHE'S SAVING ALL THE... 256 00:08:57,638 --> 00:08:59,338 SPERMS. WHALES. 257 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,012 (mouths words) AND SHE'S WITH A FRIEND TONIGHT. 258 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,412 SHE IS. WHO SHE REFERS TO AS "HOT SCOTT." 259 00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:06,784 (guests) OOH! DR. HOT SCOTT. 260 00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:08,254 THAT'S RIGHT, AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, 261 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:10,351 IF POLLY ENDS UP WITH DOCTOR HOT SCOTT, 262 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,723 YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE HEARING ANY COMPLAINING OUT OF US. 263 00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:14,453 THERE'S NO COMPLAINING OVER HERE! (laughs) 264 00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,557 LOVE YOU! IT'S GONNA BE A MITZVAH, 265 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,290 IS WHAT IT'S GONNA BE TONIGHT. LOVE HIM ALREADY. (mouths words) 266 00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,855 OKAY. ENJOY THE PAD THAI. IT'S SHOWTIME. (cheering) 267 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,564 UM, WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS? 268 00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:23,856 YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA GO GRAB US SOME DRINKS. OH. 269 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,267 BY THAT, I MEAN I NEED A DRINK. 270 00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:27,068 (laughs) GREAT. 271 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,640 WHAT? 272 00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:31,069 HOW'S IT GOING? 273 00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,414 TERRIBLE. HE FLED TO THE BAR TO ANESTHETIZE HIMSELF. 274 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,880 WE KNEW IT WASN'T GOING WELL. 275 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,278 WE JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY. 276 00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:37,709 THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE. 277 00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:40,045 I'M NOT HANDSOME DOCTOR MATERIAL. 278 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,780 I AM SWITCHING TO EMERGENCY PLAN "B." 279 00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:43,215 YOU'RE GONNA BE HONEST 280 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,950 AND BUILD A RELATIONSHIP ON TRUST? 281 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:47,045 NO. I'M GONNA WAIT TILL HE'S DRUNK, GET HIM ALONE, 282 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,717 AND FIND A GRACEFUL WAY TO GET MY TOP OFF. 283 00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:50,656 UNGRACEFUL IS ALSO ACCEPTABLE. 284 00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:53,561 THE POINT IS, I CALL THESE BABIES KYRA AND SEDGWICK. 285 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,503 YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THEY ARE "THE CLOSER." 286 00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:57,629 (giggles) 287 00:09:57,665 --> 00:10:00,465 I THOUGHT IT WAS "THE CLOSE-R." 288 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:03,740 BUBBLY! BUBBLY! WHO WANTS BUBBLY? 289 00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,311 (pops) 290 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,438 HARRY! 291 00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:09,644 WASN'T AWARE I HAD MY HANDS ON A GUSHER. 292 00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:11,107 (squeals) HEY, HARRY, HOW ARE YOU? 293 00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:15,284 OH! ELAINE ELIZABETH MONTGOMERY CLIFT HUXTABLE 294 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,245 LARUE DIAMOND PHILLIPS! 295 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:20,454 HARRY DAVID HYDE PIERCE MORGAN FREEMAN. 296 00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:22,117 AND IF I DIDN'T KNOW YOU, 297 00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,515 I'D SAY YOU'RE 20 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU REALLY ARE. 298 00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:27,127 BUT SINCE I DO KNOW YOU, I'D SAY... 299 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,800 (singsongy) YOU'VE HAD AN EYE LIFT. 300 00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:30,959 ACTUALLY, THEY SWITCHED MY CHEEKS. 301 00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:32,468 OH. IT'S LIKE GETTING YOUR TIRES ROTATED. 302 00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,269 IT'S WHAT THEY DO IN FRANCE. 303 00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,441 (French accent, amplified voice) YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME 304 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,338 HOW THEY DO IT IN FRANCE. 305 00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:38,009 BET I DON'T, YOU BAD GIRL! 306 00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:40,368 (laughs) (laughs) LAINEY! 307 00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:42,977 (indistinct conversations) 308 00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,250 (champagne splatters) 309 00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:49,077 AND DRAW. 310 00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:51,153 (imitates gunshot) 311 00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,154 UHH! (thud) 312 00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:55,816 YOU GOT ME, KID. UGH. 313 00:10:55,856 --> 00:11:00,626 (grunts) YOU'RE THE FASTEST BANANA IN THE WEST. 314 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:01,630 OH. 315 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,701 THIS IS FUN, DADDY. 316 00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,871 I KNOW. SO WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO NEXT? 317 00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:07,069 GO HOME. 318 00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:12,006 HI, YEAH. CAN I GET A RE... FILL. WOW. 319 00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:15,379 THANK YOU. SO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR LIFE. 320 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,538 I'M SURE YOU'VE DONE A MILLION AMAZING THINGS 321 00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:19,147 SINCE COLLEGE. 322 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,349 MM, YOU KNOW, ONE DOESN'T LIKE TO BRAG, 323 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:22,420 SO ONE WILL NOT. 324 00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:24,079 BUT, UH, WHAT ABOUT YOU? FAIR ENOUGH. 325 00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:26,547 BIG TIME DOCTOR. ALL THE LADIES AFTER YOU. 326 00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:28,356 UH... YOU PROBABLY BROKE A COUPLE HEARTS. 327 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:29,858 AND THEN SEWED THEM BACK TOGETHER 328 00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:31,760 BECAUSE YOU'RE A DOCTOR. (laughs) 329 00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,432 (laughs) 330 00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:35,600 UH, IT'S REALLY JUST THE SAME OLD STORY. MM. 331 00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,068 BUT, UH, THIS HOUSE IS GREAT. OH. 332 00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:39,568 WHEN'D YOU BUY IT? 333 00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:40,569 LET'S GO SWIMMING. 334 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,440 WON'T THAT BE WEIRD? 335 00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,909 AT FIRST, BUT THEN IT WILL BE FANTASTIC. (cell phone rings) 336 00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:46,168 (ring) 337 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,936 OH. I GOTTA... IT'S, UM... (ring) 338 00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:50,106 IT'S GREENPEACE. 339 00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,883 I, UH... YEAH. NO, OH, YEAH. 340 00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:53,212 UM, HELLO? POLLY GREEN. 341 00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:54,916 Hi. Listen, 342 00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:57,618 NATALIE MISSES HER DOG, SAYS SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO SLEEP, 343 00:11:57,650 --> 00:12:00,220 BUT I CAN'T HAVE DOGS HERE, SO WHAT DO I DO? 344 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:03,263 I, UH, I WOULD SAY... 345 00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:06,690 FISH. FISH ARE ENDANGERED, AND THEREFORE BY ADOPTING FISH, 346 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,796 WE CAN PROTECT THEM FROM POLLUTION. 347 00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:10,929 THANK YOU. THAT'S ACTUALLY A GREAT IDEA. 348 00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:13,034 YES, YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT. 349 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,396 QUOTE YOU TO WHO? 350 00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:16,395 (beep) 351 00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:17,396 WOW. 352 00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:18,807 OH. (scoffs) IT'S NOTHING. 353 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:20,809 COME ON. LET'S GET YOU SUITED UP. WOW. 354 00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:22,611 WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MAX'S NEW CLUB? 355 00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:24,312 UH, IT'S A DEATH TRAP. OH. 356 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:25,914 YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS A DEATH TRAP. 357 00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,306 YOU'RE LIKE THE BOY WHO CRIED DEATH TRAP. 358 00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,047 (chuckles) THE CEILINGS ARE TOO LOW. 359 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,952 THAT IS SO THE LAUGHTER IS LOUDER. 360 00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:32,124 ACOUSTICS, MY FRIEND. 361 00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:34,292 REMEMBER, HARRY IS AN ARCHITECT. 362 00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:36,061 YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. TAKE HIS SIDE. 363 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,929 LISTEN, ELAINE, IF HE WANTS TO BURN 364 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:40,228 THROUGH YOUR LIFE SAVINGS IN SAN DIEGO... HERE WE GO. YOU READY? 365 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,100 YOU CAN COME LIVE WITH ME. HERE'S A GOOD IDEA-- 366 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,929 WHY DON'T YOU REDESIGN IT, ARCHITECT? 367 00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:45,574 DON'T SHOVE ME WITH YOUR MOCK-UP. 368 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:46,798 THEN DON'T MOCK MY MOCK-UP. 369 00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:49,774 I LOVE HER. CAN WE NAME HER IVY? 370 00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,473 I DATED AN IVY IN HIGH SCHOOL. 371 00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:54,344 SHE WAS SUPER CRAZY. 372 00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:55,814 AND SHE COULD NOT SWIM. 373 00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,483 YOU KNOW WHAT? AS LONG AS WE DON'T NAME HER 374 00:12:57,510 --> 00:13:01,180 IVY "CRAZY EYES" GOLDMAN, WE'LL BE FINE. 375 00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,193 DADDY, WHAT HAPPENED? 376 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:07,618 NOTHING. FISH, UH, THEY DO THAT ALL THE TIME. 377 00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:09,494 YOU KNOW HOW HUMANS JUMP INTO WATER? 378 00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:12,632 FISH LIKE TO... SO IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. 379 00:13:14,962 --> 00:13:16,462 DADDY, WHAT HAPPENED? 380 00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:18,696 NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING. FISH DO THAT, OKAY? 381 00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:21,941 YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE... JUST LIKE HUMAN IVY. 382 00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:25,009 AH... OH... 383 00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:27,538 THESE'LL FIT. THESE ARE MY EX... 384 00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:32,114 ...CELLENT EXTRA MALE SWIM TRUNKS, 385 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:33,675 FOR WHEN I HAVE MALES OVER. 386 00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:35,353 OH. 387 00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:38,352 YOU KNOW, IF WE WERE TO SKIP THE SWIMMING PART, 388 00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:41,715 WE COULD MOVE TO THE KISSING PART THAT MUCH FASTER. 389 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:42,824 I HATE SWIMMING. 390 00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:46,725 (glass shatters) 391 00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:49,829 (Max and Harry shouting indistinctly) 392 00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:52,534 TAKE IT! YOU TAKE IT! 393 00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,495 TAKE IT! I DON'T WANT IT! 394 00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,374 TAKE IT, YOU NIT-PICKING MAN-BABY! 395 00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:57,573 OW! OUCH! 396 00:13:57,604 --> 00:14:00,414 UM, IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE? 397 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,540 (mouths words) 398 00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:04,714 (Harry) OH, MY-- OW! AAH! 399 00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:06,184 OH, GOD. OH. 400 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,393 WHAT IS THAT THING IN HIS FACE? 401 00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:14,419 OH, IT'S THE TINY MIC STAND FROM THE TINY COMEDY CLUB. 402 00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:17,194 NOW CAN YOU FEEL THE MIC ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR CHEEK? 403 00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:20,194 IS HE GONNA BE OKAY? DO YOU NEED TO STERILIZE THAT? 404 00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:21,857 I HAVE A LOT OF ALCOHOL. 405 00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,395 ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? 406 00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,100 I REALLY DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TREATING HIM HERE. 407 00:14:25,132 --> 00:14:26,272 NO. I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE HIM TO THE--WHOA. 408 00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:27,369 HEY, IT'S OUT. 409 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:31,440 (snoring) 410 00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:32,871 (splats, flaps) 411 00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:34,736 BRAVO. 412 00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:37,544 YOU DOCTORS REALLY KNOW HOW TO SPRING INTO ACTION. 413 00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:41,177 YOU MUST HAVE THIGHS LIKE A... HUMAN FROG. 414 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,854 (cell phone rings) OH. 415 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:44,953 (ring, beep) 416 00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:48,785 HELLO? HELLO, WHO'S THAT? 417 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,021 (speaking indistinctly) (speaking indistinctly) 418 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,587 HEY, POLLY, IT'S YOUR EX. 419 00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,294 THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH YOUR DAUGHTER. 420 00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:54,786 AND IF YOU'RE GONNA LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS, 421 00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,927 YOU MIGHT AS WELL SPRING FOR YOUR OWN PHONE LINE. OW. 422 00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,774 (chuckles nervously) 423 00:14:58,798 --> 00:15:00,868 YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER AND AN EX, 424 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:04,400 AND YOU LIVE HERE, AND YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR OWN PHONE LINE? 425 00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:07,307 I DECIDED TO CONFESS. 426 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,910 YES, YES, YES, AND YES. 427 00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:11,413 * TA-DA 428 00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,154 ONE SECOND. 429 00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:14,250 WHAT'S GOING ON? 430 00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:15,951 IVY "CRAZY EYES" GOLDMAN IS DEAD. 431 00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:17,383 YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND IS DEAD? 432 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,047 No, no. 433 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:21,546 IVY "CRAZY EYES" GOLDMAN, THE FISH I BOUGHT FOR NATALIE. 434 00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,558 SHE WOKE UP AND SAW IT LYING ON THE FLOOR, 435 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,130 AND NOW SHE WANTS TO GO HOME. 436 00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:27,228 And she's crying like crazy. 437 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,760 JULIAN... 438 00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:30,095 UGH. 439 00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,400 IT'S FINE. 440 00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:34,171 UM, I WILL BE RIGHT THERE. (beeps) 441 00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:36,101 (laughs) WELL, THIS IS HUMILIATING. 442 00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,066 UM, YOU PROBABLY GUESSED BY NOW 443 00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:42,075 THAT I DID NOT GO ON TO DO AMAZING THINGS AFTER COLLEGE. 444 00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:43,939 I WORK IN A MARKET. 445 00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:47,477 I'M DIVORCED, AND I HAVE A GREAT KID 446 00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:50,984 WHO REALLY NEEDS ME RIGHT NOW, SO I GOTTA GO. 447 00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:54,188 IT WAS REALLY GREAT SEEING YOU AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. 448 00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:57,891 UM, SORRY TO BE SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT. 449 00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:04,428 HEY, FELLAS. WHO WANTS TO GO ON A FIELD TRIP? 450 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:05,804 YOU STABBED MY BROTHER IN THE CHEEK, 451 00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:07,672 AND THEN YOU LIFT WEIGHTS? 452 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,040 YES, THAT'S WHAT I DO. 453 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:11,139 AND WHATEVER I DO, YOU SHOULD BE BEHIND IT. 454 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,771 I NOTICED YOU CHECKED ON HIM FIRST. 455 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,035 YOU THINK I WANNA BE OUT HERE 456 00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,514 MISSING THE IRVING THALBERG AWARD? 457 00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,942 HE HAD PART OF A BUILDING IN HIS FACE. 458 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,807 YOU ARE SO UNNATURALLY CLOSE TO YOUR BROTHER. WHAT? 459 00:16:20,847 --> 00:16:22,977 YOU ARE UNHEALTHILY ENMESHED... OH. 460 00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:27,146 WITH UNDERTONES OF SUBCONSCIOUS INCESTUAL DESIRES. 461 00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:29,657 YES. NO, WE JUST HAPPEN TO BE TWO VERY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE. 462 00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:32,059 WHAT--HAVE YOU MET HIM? YOU KNOW MY FAMILY'S SITUATION. 463 00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:33,332 MY FATHER WAS SICK. 464 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:34,860 AND HARRY FELT IT WAS HIS RESPONSIBILITY 465 00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:36,464 TO TAKE CARE OF ME. 466 00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,226 (clank) RIGHT, AND EVERY TIME HE SAYS THAT, 467 00:16:38,265 --> 00:16:40,195 IT MAKES ME THINK THAT HE THINKS 468 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:41,503 I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF YOU. 469 00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:42,804 WHAT? 470 00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,535 I THINK THAT IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH SITUATION, 471 00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:46,341 YOU WOULD CHOOSE YOUR BROTHER OVER ME. 472 00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:49,143 IF A GUNMAN CAME IN HERE WITH A GUN 473 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,636 AND MADE YOU PICK WHICH ONE OF US TO KILL, 474 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,748 YOU WOULD SAVE YOUR BROTHER'S LIFE OVER MINE! 475 00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:55,220 WHAT KIND OF A GUNMAN IS THIS? 476 00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:57,048 JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION. LIFE-OR-DEATH SITUATION. 477 00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:58,654 WHAT, HE GOES INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES 478 00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:00,915 AND FORCES THEM TO MAKE DIFFICULT EMOTIONAL CHOICES? 479 00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,863 THAT'S WHAT HE DOES, ELAINE. THAT'S HIS BREAD AND BUTTER. 480 00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:04,219 AND WHY DOESN'T HE WANT OUR CLOTHES 481 00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:06,327 OUR OUR MONEY OR JEWELRY? 482 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,329 MAYBE YOU CAN ASK HIM AFTER HE SHOOTS ME IN THE FACE. 483 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:10,332 WELL, MAYBE I WILL. 484 00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:12,173 FINE. 485 00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:15,839 (knock on door) 486 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,238 (lowered voice) HI. HEY. HEY. 487 00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:19,210 I GOTTA HURRY. I'M DOUBLE PARKED. SHH. 488 00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:20,869 I JUST GOT HER TO GO TO SLEEP. 489 00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:22,537 WHAT? 490 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,405 I REALIZED I CAN'T KEEP CALLING YOU TO SOLVE EVERYTHING. 491 00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:26,714 SO I TOLD HER THE TRUTH. 492 00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:29,746 WE HAD A FUNERAL. FLUSH. (whistles) 493 00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:31,622 SHE WENT TO SLEEP. 494 00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:32,551 YOU LOOK FANCY. 495 00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:35,255 I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. 496 00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:36,958 YOU DID SUCH A GOOD JOB. 497 00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:38,759 I JUST WISH YOU WOULD HAVE CALLED ME AND TOLD ME THAT. 498 00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:40,531 BUT OF COURSE, YOU COULDN'T, 499 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,600 BECAUSE YOU WERE HAVING A BIG, TRIUMPHANT FATHER MOMENT. 500 00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:47,329 SO I WILL JUST GO HOME AND START OVER AGAIN TOMORROW. 501 00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:49,395 YOU CARRYING A FISH? 502 00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:50,896 OH, YEAH. 503 00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:52,567 I WAS GONNA CONVINCE NATALIE TO SPEND THE NIGHT HERE. 504 00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:54,365 SHE NEEDS HER FATHER. 505 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,777 AND YOU'RE A GREAT FATHER TO HAVE. 506 00:17:56,809 --> 00:18:01,449 YOU KNOW WHAT? A BACKUP CAN'T HURT. 507 00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:02,451 OH, HEY-- 508 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:04,722 HOW'S YOUR NIGHT? 509 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,651 UM, I WAS KIND OF HOPING IT WOULD TURN OUT A LITTLE BETTER. 510 00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:12,957 IT'S ACADEMY AWARDS NIGHT. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. 511 00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:14,432 (keys jangle) YES. 512 00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:18,429 (applause on TV) 513 00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:21,725 OH, THE "IN MEMORIAM" IS MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SHOW. 514 00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:25,138 WHY IS ANDY GRIFFITH IN THIS? HE'S A TV GUY. 515 00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:26,572 ANDY GRIFFITH WAS IN 516 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,406 ELIA KAZAN'S "FACE IN THE CROWD." 517 00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:31,181 IT WAS A BRILLIANT, BREAKTHROUGH, STAR-MAKING TURN. 518 00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:32,981 ANDY IS A LEGEND 519 00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:35,922 WHO STARTED OUT AS A COMIC IN THE SMALL CLUBS, 520 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,648 LIKE THE ONE I SMASHED INTO YOUR FACE. 521 00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:40,785 ELAINE, BACK ME UP HERE. 522 00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:43,120 HARRY, YOU'RE MY BROTHER, AND I LOVE YOU, 523 00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:46,326 BUT IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD ABOUT ANDY GRIFFITH, 524 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,799 I'M GONNA SET MYSELF ON FIRE. 525 00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:49,998 (orchestra playing melancholy score) 526 00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:53,129 ** 527 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:55,366 I WISH THAT GUNMAN WOULD COME IN RIGHT NOW, 528 00:18:55,402 --> 00:18:58,102 'CAUSE I THINK I DID A PRETTY FANTASTIC JOB. 529 00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,967 (kisses) 530 00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,866 LOOKS LIKE I WAS GOING HOME A LOSER, 531 00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:03,778 WHICH MAKES SENSE, 532 00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,180 BECAUSE LOSERS TYPICALLY LIVE WITH THEIR PARENTS. 533 00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:08,883 (blows raspberry) OH, GOD. 534 00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:09,875 BLAH. 535 00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:16,194 (imitating gunshots) 536 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:17,163 HI, POLLY. OH, MY GOD. 537 00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:18,830 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 538 00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:21,388 I'M JUST HIDING FROM YOUR FAMILY AND WAITING FOR YOU. 539 00:19:21,428 --> 00:19:23,528 I SHOULD PUT MY DRESS BACK ON. 540 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,373 YEAH. YEAH, YOU REALLY SHOULD, 541 00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:27,028 BECAUSE... 542 00:19:27,066 --> 00:19:28,666 I'M NOT A DOCTOR. 543 00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:29,741 WHAT? 544 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,699 I'M A MURSE. 545 00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:33,038 I'M A MALE NURSE. 546 00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:35,882 I'M A DIVORCED MALE NURSE WITH TWO BOYS. 547 00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:37,538 AND I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THIS SOONER, 548 00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:38,977 BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE THIS INCREDIBLE PERSON 549 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,851 WHO WOULD HAVE NO INTEREST IN ME. 550 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,380 I'M NOT. I'M NOT. I'M, LIKE, A TREMENDOUS DISAPPOINTMENT. 551 00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,216 OH, WELL, SO AM I. 552 00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,092 THIS IS FANTASTIC! WE BOTH DIDN'T BECOME ANYTHING. AHH... 553 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,019 WELL, I MEAN, I THINK YOU DID. 554 00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:51,385 BESIDES CULTIVATING AN INCREDIBLE RIGHT ARM, 555 00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,394 I THINK IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE A GREAT MOM, 556 00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:56,326 YOUR FAMILY IS HILARIOUS, AND YOUR BOOBS ARE INSANE. 557 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,173 THEY ARE. THEY HEAR VOICES. 558 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,368 LET'S BE KISSING NOW. 559 00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:02,941 SO MY MOM WAS RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING-- 560 00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:04,239 ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN 561 00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:07,771 ON THE NIGHT OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS. 562 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:11,507 A FATHER CAN FIND HIS CONFIDENCE... 563 00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,284 A WIFE CAN TAKE A SIDE... 564 00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:16,054 TWO BROTHERS-IN-LAW CAN LEARN TO SHARE 565 00:20:16,082 --> 00:20:19,452 THE MOST IMPORTANT WOMAN IN THEIR LIVES. 566 00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:23,858 AND I GOT TO HAVE AN AMAZING KISS 567 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,290 IN MY PUSH-UP BRA AND CONTROL TOPS, 568 00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:27,055 WITH AN INCREDIBLY TOLERANT NURSE 569 00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:29,303 WHO'S A REALLY GOOD KISSER. 570 00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:31,959 ON OSCAR NIGHT, THEY USUALLY PLAY YOU OFF AFTER 45 SECONDS. 571 00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:36,098 HOPEFULLY, THIS LASTS LONGER THAN THAT. 572 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,110 ANOTHER ACADEMY AWARDS PARTY FOR THE BOOKS. 573 00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:45,212 DID ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE? 574 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,154 UH, YOU COULD SAY THAT. 575 00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:49,249 SCOTT WAS FANTASTIC. YOU THINK HE'LL CALL AGAIN? 576 00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,122 (chuckles) HE WILL IF HE KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD FOR HIM. 577 00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:53,790 (laughs) 578 00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:55,790 (door closes) 579 00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:57,462 (laughs) 580 00:20:57,490 --> 00:20:59,460 OOH. 581 00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:03,762 BUT TELL HIM TO MOVE HIS CAR, 'CAUSE IT'S STREET CLEANING DAY. 582 00:21:03,796 --> 00:21:04,756 (whispers) RIGHT. 583 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,170 UGH. 42309

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