All language subtitles for How.To.Live.With.Your.Parents.S01E02_English

(whirring)

(whirring stops)

POLLY, WHAT IS
WITH ALL THE NOISE?

IT'S 11:30 IN THE MORNING.
WHAT THE HELL?

I'M MAKING AN ENERGY SHAKE.
THE MAGAZINE SAID TO USE

SOMETHING CALLED WHEY.

NO WHEY. WHEY.
(laughs) NO WHEY.

"WAYNE'S WORLD." NOTHING?
YOU DON'T WANNA DO THIS WITH ME?
NO, THANK YOU.

GUESS WHAT? I AM GONNA RUN A 5K.

5K? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU RAN?

I WAS IN A PARKING STRUCTURE.
IT WAS LATE,

AND I GOT A WEIRD FEELING.

HER, ELAINE.
SHE WASN'T THERE. I WAS ALONE.

THAT'S WHY
I GOT A WEIRD FEELING.

OH, OKAY.
I'M NOT AWAKE YET.

ANYWAY, I WAS AT THE DRUGSTORE
SHOPPING FOR... CANDY,

AND MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS,

WHAT IS THAT DESK
DOING IN FRONT OF ALL MY CANDY?

BUT THEN ALL THESE OLD FEELINGS
JUST CAME FLOODING BACK.

I MEAN, REMEMBER WHAT
AN ACTIVIST I WAS

BACK IN COLLEGE?

(Polly) WE DID A SLEEPOUT
FOR THE HOMELESS.

OH, I'M SO SORRY. YOU ACTUALLY
HAVE TO SIGN UP FOR THIS.
(siren wailing in distance)

WE CHAINED OURSELVES TO TREES
TO SAVE THE RAIN FOREST.
(woman) GIVE TREES A CHANCE!

OH, I SHOULD HAVE GONE
TO THE BATHROOM FIRST.

WE HELD
A QUESTIONABLE FUND-RAISER

TO SUPPORT THE EQUAL PAY
FOR WOMEN ACT.

DOESN'T A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST
KINDA CONTRADICT OUR MESSAGE?

WE TRIED DOING
A PANCAKE BREAKFAST,

BUT WE DIDN'T RAISE
A DIME.

(crowd cheering)

I USED TO BE AN INSPIRED
AND PASSIONATE PERSON

WHO CARED ABOUT THE WORLD.

I MEAN, I HAD COOL CLOTHES

AND A SEXY, SARCASTIC STYLE
OF FLIRTING,

AND I WANNA BE THAT AGAIN.

AND THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT
IS TO GET OFF MY ASS

AND RUN THAT 5K.
(snaps fingers)

IN THE LIFE COACH BUSINESS,
WE CALL THIS A SPARK MOMENT.

AFTER A LONG PERIOD
OF STAGNATION,

YOUR PASSION IGNITES,
AND THEN YOU BURN IN THE FLAMES

OF YOUR OWN GLORIOUS POTENTIAL.

HMM, WELL, I THINK THIS IS
A FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITY,

AND I, FOR ONE, AM FEELING
A RUSH OF PARENTAL PRIDE.
AW.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, HELLO, HELLO.

HUH? LET'S DO THIS.
LET'S DO IT.

DO WHAT?

I ASKED HIM
TO COME TRAIN ME.

HIM?
MM.

WHAT DOES HE KNOW
ABOUT ATHLETICS?

HIGH SCHOOL FENCING TEAM,
ALL-STATE.

(deep voice)
HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?

I DO NOT LIKE YOU NOW.

COME ON, MAXIE.

COME ON, MAN.

(inhales deeply) ANYWAY,
I'VE, UH, ALMOST FINISHED

PROGRAMMING
YOUR UNIVERSAL REMOTE.

GREAT.
AND GUESS WHAT?

I CAN TAKE NATALIE
TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, JULIAN.
YOU'RE A LIFESAVER.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO
WITHOUT YOU.

I REMEMBER PAYING A LAWYER
A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF MONEY

SO SHE COULD DO
WITHOUT HIM.

OKAY, IT'S STARTING TO FEEL

LIKE THIS IS GONNA BE
A STRESSFUL SHOWER.

LOOK, THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY WAY
TO CONDUCT A DIVORCE.

AND WHERE'S THE HATE?
WHERE'S THE LAWSUITS?

WHERE'S--WHERE'S MY LOOFAH?

WELL, WHEN I WAS DIVORCED,
THE FIRST THING I DID

WAS SLEEP WITH MY CHICANO.
OF COURSE.

CLEANSE THE PALATE.
UH-HUH,

AND YOU KNOW, IF YOU HADN'T
SEVERED YOUR EMOTIONAL TIES

WITH YOUR EX,
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE MET ME

IMMEDIATELY
AFTER YOUR CHICANO.

YEAH.
RIGHT?

MM-HMM.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM,

THAT FELLA?
DIED IN
A TRAGIC DANCING ACCIDENT.

AT LEAST
HE DIED HAPPY.

IT'S SO CRAZY.
I MEAN, YESTERDAY,

I WAS A SINGLE MOM WITH
A SECRET GUMMI WORM ADDICTION

AND TODAY, I'M BACK TO BEING
AN ENVIRONMENTAL CRUSADER

LIKE I WAS IN COLLEGE,

BUT MY HAIR'S
SO MUCH BETTER NOW, RIGHT?

WHAT'S THAT? I WAS LISTENING
TO "THE BEST OF CREAM."

OH, I WAS JUST SAYING,
I'M SO PSYCHED TO RUN THIS 5K

AND RECLAIM
MY FORMER ENVIRONMENTAL--

(thud)
WHOA. DUDE.

FORGET EVERYTHING YOU'VE
BEEN TAUGHT ABOUT RUNNING

AND HARKEN BACK
TO THE FIRST DAY YOU EVER RAN

AS A HUMAN ANIMAL
ON THIS PLANET.

STILL NOT AN EXPLANATION
FOR WHY YOU LAUNCHED

MY NEW KICKS OVER THE WALL.

LOOK, WE'VE BEEN TAUGHT
FOR DECADES

TO LAND HEEL-TOE, HEEL-TOE,

BUT WE HAVE BEEN MISLED
BY ORTHOPEDISTS,

PODIATRISTS,
AND THE FOOTWEAR LOBBY.

YOU AND I HAVE TO STAND UP
TO THE TYRANNY OF "BIG SHOE."

IS THERE ANY INDUSTRY
THAT'S NOT INVOLVED

IN A CONSPIRACY
AGAINST YOU?

I THINK
THE BREATHING STRIP PEOPLE

ARE GENUINELY TRYING
TO HELP ME. YEAH.
HMM.

COME ON. (clears throat)

IT'S KINDA LIKE PRANCING.
OKAY? JUST KINDA FEEL IT.

GET YOUR FEET OUT AND...

UH, WHOA.
WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHY ARE YOUR KNEES
AND FEET POINTING OUT?

YOU'VE GOT, LIKE,
A DICK VAN DYKE

"CHIM CHIM CHER-EE" THING
GOING ON THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA
BRING YOU A BLOCK OF WOOD.

HOLD IT BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS.

WHERE DO YOU KEEP
YOUR WOOD?

HEY, JULIAN, WHY DON'T YOU
COME AND HAVE A SEAT?

YEAH?

YEAH.

OKAY.

JULIAN,

YOU KNOW WE LOVE YOU.

JULIAN, YOU KNOW
THAT ELAINE LOVES YOU,

AND I HAVE FEELINGS.
YEAH, I DO.

AND WE APPRECIATE ALL THE THINGS
THAT YOU DO FOR EVERYBODY,

BUT WE NEED YOU TO STOP
DOING THEM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

I'M A BIT CONFUSED.

POLLY SEEMS TO BE, UH, HOW WOULD
YOU SAY? AT A CROSSROADS,

AND ELAINE AND I
ARE CONCERNED THAT

SHE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET
TO THAT NEXT PHASE OF HER LIFE

IF SHE'S CONSTANTLY
LEANING ON YOU.

BUT I MEAN, ISN'T A GOOD THING
THAT WE GET ALONG?

YES.
NO.

NO.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH MY ARMS,

BUT I THINK I'VE GOT
THE PRANCING THING DOWN, HUH?

YEAH. HEY, LISTEN, UM,
I'VE GOTTA TAKE OFF.

WHAT? NOW I'M IN, LIKE,
THIS WEIRD PLACE

BETWEEN RUNNING AND PRANCING.

I LOOK LIKE
A POODLE IN A CARTOON.

COME ON. YOU DON'T NEED ME.

ANYWAY, I GOT A WHOLE CHECKLIST
OF THINGS I HAVE TO DO,

STARTING WITH
FIND THE CHECKLIST.

ANYWAY, WELL, SEE YA.

WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS IS MY MOMENT!

YOU ARE LEAVING
DURING MY MOMENT!

(pants)

WELL, CAN YOU AT LEAST
GO GET MY SHOES?

SO WEIRD OF JULIAN
TO JUST RUN OFF LIKE THAT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, HE'S A BUSY GUY.
HE'S GOT A LIFE.

SINCE WHEN?

HOW MANY "K" IS THIS? I FEEL
LIKE WE'VE DONE A LOT OF "K."

WE JUST GOT OUT OF THE CAR.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA
HOW LONG A KILOMETER IS.

WELL, WHATEVER IT IS,
I'M GONNA DO IT.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE THOSE WHALES NEED ME.

AND AFTER I DEAL WITH THEM,

I'M GONNA RUN FOR THE OWLS.
AND ARE WE STILL CLUBBING SEALS?

'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE--AAH!

OW! AAH!

OH, MY GOD, POLLY,
ARE YOU OKAY?

NO, I'M NOT OKAY!
I'M ON THE GROUND!

ALL RIGHT.
WHEN SOMEBODY IS IN MOTION,

AND THEN SUDDENLY ON THE GROUND,
SOMETHING BAD HAS HAPPENED.

AAH! AAH!
OKAY.

I DON'T THINK MY LAWYER
WOULD WANT ME TO LIFT YOU.

WHERE THE HELL IS JULIAN?

HE'S ALWAYS THE ONE
WHO TAKES ME TO THE DOCTOR.

AAH. EVEN DIALING MAKES
MY BACK HURT.

OH, YOU DON'T NEED HIM.
YOU NEED ICE. COME ON.

I NEED MORE THAN ICE.

JULIAN KNOWS A LOT
ABOUT INJURIES, OKAY?

(ice rattles)
YOU KNOW ALL THE WEIRD CRAP
HE READS.

OH, YOUR MOTHER AND I CAN READ
WEIRD CRAP. RIGHT, HONEY?
MM-HMM.

I NEED HIS HELP, OKAY?
I ROOM MOM THIS WEEK.

NATALIE'S ART PROJECT
IS DUE,

AND SOMEONE HAS
GOTTA TAKE CARE OF ME

SO I CAN THAT RACE
AND IGNITE MY SPARK.

AND WHO'S GONNA DO ALL THAT?
(slurps)

OH, MY GOD.
SHE MEANS US.

AHH. AH, IT'S ALMOST TIME
FOR SCHOOL.

HOW'S NATALIE'S LUNCH
COMING?

EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT HAS HAPPENED
TO THIS COUNTRY...

(clatter)
THAT I CAN'T MAKE NATALIE
PEANUT BUTTER FOR LUNCH?

WELL, KIDS HAVE ALLERGIES NOW.

OH, SO MAYBE THE TERRORISTS
WILL DISABLE US WITH PEANUTS.

MAX, WE DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR THIS, OKAY?

MAKE NATALIE LUNCH LIKE SOMEONE
WHO HAS EVER EATEN LUNCH.

NATALIE CANNOT BE LATE,
AND I CAN'T MOVE.

NO. NATALIE'S IN HER ROOM.

WELL,
DID YOU GET HER DRESSED?

(mutters)

WHAT IS HAPPENING
TO THIS COUNTRY

THAT A CHILD
CAN'T PUT ON CLOTHES?

THE UNITED STATES ARMY IS GONNA
BE NUDE AND KILLED BY PEANUTS.

DO THINGS.
DO THINGS, OLD PEOPLE.

GOD.

(hums)

IT NEEDS SOMETHING.

(clinking)
YOU KNOW,

THIS NECKLACE BELONGED
TO MY GRANDMA FRANCES,

AND WHEN I'M GONE,
IT GOES TO YOU.

UNLESS I RUN OUT OF MONEY
AND NEED TO SELL IT.

WHERE DO PEOPLE GO
WHEN THEY'RE GONE?

OH, IT'S A FANTASTIC PLACE,

FILLED WITH ALL
OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS--

DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED LOLLIPOPS,

DJANGO REINHARDT
SERENADING YOU ON GUITAR,

CHAMPAGNE, TRUFFLES,
CHOCOLATE, LIMOUSINES.

IS THAT WERE I WAS
BEFORE I WAS BORN?

OKAY.

WHO TAKE CARE OF ME UP THERE
WHILE YOU WERE ALL DOWN HERE?

SEE, YOU'RE SMART.

I'M GONNA SAY...
(whispers) GRANDMA FRANCES.

(normal voice)
GRANDMA FRANCES.

SEE, I'M SMART, TOO.

WAS I DEAD?

LET'S GO SHOW MOMMY.

BAGEL AND CREAM CHEESE OKAY,
OR IS THAT TOO ETHNIC?

IT'S FINE.

SO...
WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?

YOU HAVE TO TAKE HER
TO SCHOOL.

I'M HAVING MY COFFEE.
NOW?

YEAH. RIGHT NOW!

THIS IS...
WHEN I WAS 6 YEARS OLD,
I TOOK...

ENDLESS. IT DOESN'T END.
FOUR CITY BUSES TO SCHOOL.

GRANDMA, GRANDPA,
I'M GONNA BE LATE.

OKAY, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
THERE YOU GO.

OH, AND DON'T FORGET.

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ROOM MOM
TODAY,

SO MIGHT WANNA WEAR SOMETHING
BOOGER-RESISTANT.

WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE PARENTS
WORKING AT THE SCHOOL?

MY MOTHER AND FATHER
NEVER ONCE CAME TO SCHOOL.

THE PARENTS CAME TO SCHOOL,

IT MEANT, OH,
SOMEONE'S GOT RINGWORM.

WE'RE BEING MANIPULATED
BY POLLY'S SUBCONSCIOUS.

WE REMOVED JULIAN,
THEN SHE HOBBLES HERSELF

TO INTENTIONALLY DRAW HIM BACK,
AND WE CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN.
(car door closes)

IT ISN'T ALL THAT EASIER
FOR US.

OKAY, LISTEN TO ME. YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE THIS ONE TO SCHOOL.

I'M GONNA TAKE POLLY
TO THE DOCTOR.

TOGETHER, WE WILL REPLACE JULIAN
UNTIL SHE'S WEANED OFF OF HIM.

OKAY. I'M IN. UNLESS YOU
WANNA GO TO THE MOVIES.

CALL JULIAN.
HAVE HIM COME BACK,

'CAUSE IN THAT CASE,
I'M REALLY IN.
NO.

(jangles)
WORTH A SHOT.

**

"AND THE RABBIT
SAID TO THE CHICKEN,

IT IS BETTER TO BE FRIENDS."

OH, WELL, WHO DIDN'T SEE
THAT COMING?

GRANDMA?
YEAH.

TELL EVERYONE
ABOUT YOUR GRANDMA FRANCES

AND HOW SHE TOOK CARE OF ME
BEFORE I WAS BORN.
RIGHT.

SOMEONE TOOK CARE OF YOU
BEFORE YOU WERE BORN?

YEAH,
AND IT'S AN AWESOME PLACE.

LIKE HEAVEN?

WELL, UM,
WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME?

O'BRIEN.

OH, YEAH. YOU GOT HEAVEN.

YOUR GREAT-GRANDMOTHER
TOOK CARE OF YOU IN HEAVEN

BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.

SEE, THAT'S THE WHOLE SYSTEM
THAT... GOD SET UP.

MY FAMILY DOESN'T BELIEVE
IN HEAVEN,

SO WHO TOOK CARE OF ME?

WELL, WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME?

GUPTA.

GUPTA.

I BELIEVE IT WAS A COW--
A SUPER SPECIAL COW

WITH MAGIC COW...
(whispers) POWERS.

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING
OVER THERE?

GREAT.

MM-HMM.

OH.

YOU'RE GOING TO LIE DOWN,
KEEP YOUR HANDS AT YOUR SIDES,

AND DON'T MOVE.
THE M.R.I. MACHINE

IS VERY LOUD, AND IT'LL TAKE
ABOUT 30 MINUTES.

WOW, THAT IS
A LOT OF MINUTES

TO BE IN A LOUD,
COFFIN-LIKE STRUCTURE,

BUT I AM GONNA DO IT
BECAUSE

THIS TABLE LOOKS LIKE
IT'S A FIXED SIZE

THAT IN NO WAY COULD SQUEEZE ME
TO DEATH.

I MEAN, THERE'S NO SUCH THING

AS A HOSPITAL THAT TRICKS YOU
INTO DOING THINGS

THAT COULD KILL YOU, RIGHT?

I MEAN, UNLESS THIS IS LIKE
AN ELABORATE SCHEME

TO HARVEST MY ORGANS.
(laughs)

(chuckles) GET IN THE TUBE.
YES.

OH, GOD.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I DON'T LIKE THIS!

I DON'T WANT THIS!
I DON'T WANT THIS!

YOU'RE HAVING
AN IRRATIONAL RESPONSE.

I KNOW! I AM AWARE OF IT!

AHH!

LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN.

I AM RETHINKING THIS.

I'M NOT READY YET. NOT READY.
NOT READY. NOT READY.

TAKE YOUR FEET.
NO, NO.

(singsongy)
I HAVE A DAUGHTER!

BE RIGHT BACK, CAROL.
AHH! AHH!

MY BACK!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
LISTEN.

OKAY. LISTEN TO ME,
ALL RIGHT?

YOU CAN OVERCOME
THIS CLAUSTROPHOBIA.

THE MIND IS POWERFUL, BOY.

IF MY MIND WAS THAT POWERFUL,

I WOULD USE IT
TO SET YOU ON FIRE RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT FEELS TO ME
THAT YOU'RE PROLONGING

THIS EPISODE SO YOUR EX-HUSBAND
CAN RIDE IN HERE ON HIS TRUCK,

WHICH IS HELD TOGETHER BY ROPE,
TO SAVE YOU.

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO
WITH JULIAN? IS THERE ANYTHING--
ALL RIGHT, L-LOOK.

TUBE TIME. HERE WE GO.
(sighs)

ARE WE GONNA DO THIS, OR AM I
GONNA HAVE MY SANDWICH?

DO YOU HAVE ANY, UH,
NARCOTICS FOR HER?

(snoring)

(whirring)

(continues snoring)

(Max)
OH, DAMN UNIVERSAL REMOTE.

UH-HUH.

PACINO IS SUPPOSED TO BE
TALKING TO JAMES LIPTON,

AND I CAN'T GET THIS
TO FUNCTION.
(clicks)

I LOVE DOING PUZZLES
WITH YOU, GRANDMA.

YEAH, WELL,
GRANDMA'S HAVING A BLAST.

UH, YOU FINISH THE BARN,

AND I'LL BE BACK IN A SECOND.
OKAY.

I FEEL THE MINUTES OF MY LIFE
ARE SLIPPING

INTO A BLACK ABYSS
FULL OF CRAYONS

AND NON-TOXIC GLUE.

THERE'S A GOAT
IN MY CLEAVAGE.

I WAS KING LEAR
IN A 19-CITY TOUR,

AND NOW I'M STANDING HERE
MAKING MAC AND CHEESE

AND NOT WATCHING AL PACINO.

I WANTED TO KNOW
WHAT HE WORE TO BED.

WELL, I DIDN'T WANNA SAY THIS,
BUT MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL--

NO. NO, NO. L-L-LISTEN,
WE NEED TO PUSH THROUGH.

JULIAN HASN'T BEEN HERE
IN DAYS.

I THINK WE'RE
ON THE PRECIPICE

OF GETTING SOMEWHERE.

SO THAT WAS THE DOCTOR.

I HAVE AN INFLAMED DISK
AND A BRUISED COCCYX.

HE WANTS ME OFF MY FEET
FOR, LIKE, TWO TO THREE WEEKS.

WELL, I GUESS
THAT'S THE END OF THE LINE

FOR THE NEW
"SAVE THE WORLD" ME...

(hands drop on lap)
AND PROBABLY
FOR A COUPLE WHALES.

WELL, THE IMPORTANT THING
IS THAT YOU'RE MOTIVATED

AND MOVING FORWARD,
AND W ARE HERE TO SUPPORT YOU

UNTIL YOU'RE BACK
ON YOUR FEET AGAIN.

TWO TO THREE WEEKS

OF THIS LUNCH PACKING,
NOODLE BOILING (bleep)?

WE'LL BE DEAD BY THEN.

SO I'M JUST SUPPOSED
TO DROP EVERYTHING

AND COME RUNNING BACK?

EVERYTHING? WHAT ARE YOU,
TEACHING AT HARVARD?

JULIAN, WE CAN'T TAKE
ANOTHER THREE WEEKS OF THIS.

WE REALLY NEED YOU.

YOU CAN DO THINGS
AND TOLERATE THINGS.

WE SIMPLY CAN'T.

LIKE NATALIE'S SPIRIT-CRUSHING
BARNYARD PUZZLE.
OH. HAVE YOU SEEN IT?

THE HORSES ARE BROWN.
THE DOG IS BROWN.

FARMER BROWN IS BROWN.

I MEAN, WHAT SADIST DESIGNED
THAT PUZZLE, YOU KNOW?

AND I CAN'T MAKE HEADS OR TAILS
OUT OF THE UNIVERSAL REMOTE.
NO.

IT JUST DOESN'T WORK,
AND NOWADAYS, THE TVs--

THEY DON'T HAVE
A PHYSICAL "ON" BUTTON,

SO IT'S NEITHER UNIVERSAL
NOR REMOTE.

I DON'T KNOW, GUYS.
ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, MAYBE THIS WAS
A WAKE-UP CALL.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M JUST GONNA BACK OFF,

TAKE A LITTLE MORE TIME
FOR JULIAN.

NOW IF YOU'LL HAND ME
MY GIANT SPOON...

I CAN'T REALLY BEND OVER
IN THIS THING.

PICK UP THE SPOON.

(clears throat)

OH. DON'T BLAME THIS ON ME.
YOU HAVE RUINED US.

I HAVE FOUR WORDS
TO DESCRIBE OUR FUTURE.

DINOSAUR-SHAPED
CHICKEN NUGGETS.

DON'T MAKE ME CRY.

SO FOR THE NEXT WEEK,

MY PARENTS REAPED
WHAT THEY SOWED.

I'M AWAKE. WHO WANTS TO PLAY?

IT'S TOO EARLY.
LET IT PEE IN THE HOUSE.

(Elaine) IT'S THE CHILD,
NOT THE DOG.
OH.

TURN THE TV ON.
I CAN'T.

TURN THE TV ON, DAMN IT.

TV! TV! TV! TV! TV! TV!
AAH!

HERE YOU GO.

OHH. IT HURTS TO MOVE.

CAN YOU FEED ME?

MM. (slurps)
(mouth full) THAT'S TOO HOT.

BLOW ON IT.

(fast-forwarding sound)

(blows air)

(indistinct conversations)

OH, I FORGOT!
IT'S RAINBOW WEEK.

EVERYBODY
HAS TO WEAR BLUE TODAY.

(sighs)

(indistinct conversations)

HAVE A NICE DAY, HONEY!

(singsongy) HA HA!

I'M DONE, ELAINE.
(grunts)

I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE.

LET'S JUST GET IN THE CAR,
DRIVE TO THE GRAND CANYON,

AND "THELMA & LOUISE"
THIS BITCH.

(doorbell rings)
(singsongy)
DOORBELL! GETSIE, GETSIE!

(door squeaks)
HI. UH, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
ARE YOU NATALIE'S GRANDMA?

OH, I'M SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
(laughs)

YES.

MY SON CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL

SAYING HE WANTS TO CLIMB BACK
INSIDE MY WIFE

AND MEET THE MAGICAL COW
WHO TOOK CARE OF HIM

BEFORE HE WAS BORN.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS?

OH, I WAS JUST RIFFING.

ON WHAT?

YEAH, WE HAVE
A PRETTY SPECIFIC RELIGION.

AT THIS POINT,
I THOUGHT IT BEST

TO JUST LET MY PARENTS
OFF THE HOOK,

ESPECIALLY SINCE I KNEW
SOMETHING THEY DIDN'T.

HI, MR. GUPTA.

GO, OLD PEOPLE, GO.

NAMASTE.
I AM SO, SO SORRY ABOUT THIS.

OKAY, I'M GONNA HAVE
A LITTLE POWWOW WITH MY PARENTS,

AND WE'LL FIX THIS.
I DID NOT SAY "POWWOW"

BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE
THE OTHER KIND OF INDIAN.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT KIND
OF INDIAN.

YOU KNOW, I'M GOING TO
SEE YOU AT SCHOOL.

OKAY. UH, BYE.

TERRIFIC.

(scoffs) JEEZ, I THOUGHT I COULD
COUNT ON THE TWO OF YOU

TO TAKE CARE OF THINGS
WHILE I WAS LAID UP.

THIS IS PRETTY TOUGH,

TRYING TO DO IT ALL
WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY HELP.

ISN'T IT?

POLLY,
WE ARE SO VERY SORRY.

UM, YOUR MOTHER AND I
HAVE DONE SOMETHING--
WELL, MORE YOU.

YOU WERE IN THAT SHOWER,
TOO.
WELL...

OKAY, THE POINT IS,
WE'VE DONE SOMETHING

THAT WE'VE COME TO REGRET
ON A NIXONIAN LEVEL.

YOU TOLD JULIAN
TO STAY AWAY.

DID WE TELL YOU THAT ALREADY?
I'M NOT SURE ABOUT NIXON.

WELL, WHEN JULIAN SUDDENLY
STOPPED COMING AROUND,

IT BEGAN TO OCCUR TO ME
THAT SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED.

OH, AND ALSO, PHONES EXIST.

WHY DON'T YOU FINISH THE BARN?
AND I'LL BE BACK IN A SEC.
OKAY.

(lowered voice)
THEY TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY?

YEAH. THEY SAID I WAS PREVENTING
YOU FROM MOVING FORWARD,

BUT, UH, I STARTED
TO GET WORRIED, SO I CALLED YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.

That is horrible
and unacceptable.

I AM SO SORRY.

IF MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,
THEY ARE HILARIOUSLY STRUGGLING

WITHOUT YOU AROUND
TO PICK UP THE SLACK.

WELL, I CAN'T WAIT TILL THEY
TRY AND TAKE ON ROARING '20s DAY

AT NAT'S SCHOOL
NEXT WEEK.

Who's got bowler hats?

I'VE GOT BOWLER HATS.
Well, we could

CONFRONT THEM
ABOUT WHAT THEY'VE DONE,

BUT I THINK IT WOULD BE WAY MORE
FUN TO STRING THEM ALONG

AND TORTURE THEM
TO TEACH THEM A LESSON.

OH, YOU ARE NAUGHTY.

ARE YOU SAYING YOU MISLED US?
YOU LIED TO US?

YOU CREATED THIS WHOLE
2-TO-3-WEEK SCENARIO

TO PUNISH US?

OH, MY GOD.

(whispers) YES.

IT'S OVER!
* FREE AT LAST,
FREE AT LAST *

* THANK GOD ALMIGHTY
WE ARE FREE AT LAST *
* WE ARE ON OUR OWN

LISTEN, WE ARE SO SORRY
ABOUT THIS.

WE--WE HAD NO IDEA ALL

THE THINGS
THAT YOU AND JULIAN DO.

AND MAY I SAY,
YOU ARE AMAZING.

NOW WITH YOUR PERMISSION,

YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE
GONNA GO OUT TO DINNER.

HOW ABOUT A WELLNESS RETREAT
IN SEDONA?

YES. YES TO THAT.
OF COURSE.

UH, NOT SO FAST.

THE FIRST THING YOU'RE GONNA DO
IS APOLOGIZE TO JULIAN

AND BEG HIM TO COME BACK.

THIS IS OUR DIVORCE,
AND WE'RE GONNA DO IT OUR WAY,

AND I WANT YOUR SOLEMN VOW

THAT YOU'RE NOT GONNA MEDDLE
ANYMORE.

SURE.
OKAY.

SHOULD WE CALL THAT RESORT
WITH THE MINERAL HOT TUB,

OR SHOULD WE GO TO THE ONE
WITH THE RED ROCK VIEW?

IT'S SEDONA.
WE GOTTA SEE THE ROCKS.

WAIT. THERE'S MORE.

OH, JEEZ,
IT'S LIKE A KNIFE COMMERCIAL.

THE 5K IS TODAY,
AND I'M GONNA DO IT.

HOW? YOU'RE WALKING AROUND
LIKE YOU'RE HIDING AN EGG

BETWEEN YOUR BUTT CHEEKS.

JULIAN IS GONNA HELP ME,
BUT HE HAS TO WORK,

SO THAT'S WHERE YOU COME IN.

(Max) COOL, REFRESHING YOGURT!

MAKE YOUR YOGURT BOY A BOY,
BOY.

HOW ABOUT SOME--HEY, CHEAPSKATE,
BUY A YOGURT.

HOW YOU DOING?
YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, THIS IS
A LOT EASIER THAN I THOUGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS BAREFOOT RUNNING--

ACTUALLY QUITE LIBERATING.

I GOT A SMALL PIECE OF GLASS
IN MY LEFT FOOT,

BUT MY LEGS AREN'T HURTING.

OOH, WATER STATION.
LET'S PULL IN. HEY.

OH, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
YOU'RE DOING GREAT.
(spits)

(mouth full)
THIS IS CHARDONNAY.

OH, SORRY. THAT'S MINE.
KEEP GOING!
THANKS, MOM!

(Elaine) LOVE YOU!
LIGHT THAT FIRE!

(woman) KEEP GOING!
DO YOU THINK
THERE'S ANYTHING

TO WHAT MY PARENTS
SAID ABOUT US?

I MEAN, IF YOU LOOK AT US
RIGHT NOW FROM THE OUTSIDE,

I LOOK INCREDIBLY DEPENDENT
ON YOU.

JUST 'CAUSE I'M PUSHING YOU
IN A WHEELCHAIR.

HA. THE WAY I LOOK AT IT,

BEING AROUND YOU NOW
MAKES UP FOR THE TIMES

I WASN'T AROUND
WHEN WE WERE MARRIED.

IT'S LIKE MY VERSION
OF ALIMONY.

THE ACTUAL VERSION
WOULD BE REALLY NICE, TOO.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

I JUST THINK IT'D BE SO EASY
FOR ME TO RELY ON YOU FOREVER,

AND THAT WOULD NOT BE HEALTHY
FOR EITHER ONE OF US,

SO... I'M GONNA DO THIS.

(wheels squeak)
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

GOTTA WARN ME
WHEN YOU DO THAT.

(grunts)

THANK YOU FOR THE LIFT.
I WILL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

(trumpet fanfare plays)

(bleep)

(crowd cheering)

HA HA!
ALL RIGHT!

YAY! WHOO-HOO!
WAY TO GO, POLLY.

(Elaine) YAY!

WOW, 5 KILOMETERS IS
A LOT LONGER THAN 3.2 MILES.

WELL, ACTUALLY THOSE ARE
EQUAL DISTANCES.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
THE IMPORTANT THING

IS THAT YOU FINISHED
ON YOUR OWN,

AND THAT'S A BIG DEAL.

NO, THE IMPORTANT THING
IS THAT I HAVE THIS

AMAZING SUPPORT SYSTEM
AROUND ME,

AND IF I'M GONNA BE THE ME
THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE,

I'M GONNA NEED ALL OF YOU.
INDEED.

INSPIRATIONAL WORDS
TO THINK ABOUT

ON OUR WAY TO THE AIRPORT.

OH, YEAH, YEAH.
JUST ONE THING. UH, JULIAN?

OH, RIGHT, YEAH. IT'S TV-POWER,
CABLE-POWER, 2-6-7, ENTER.

ALL RIGHT.

GRANDMA, GRANDPA,
TOMORROW'S HAWAIIAN DAY,

SO I NEED A GRASS SKIRT
AND COCONUT BIKINI.

OKAY, LOVE YOU.

OW.
MM-KAY. MM. GOOD JOB. ALOHA.

LATELY THERE'S BEEN A LOT
OF DISCUSSION ABOUT RELIGION

AND DIFFERENT PEOPLE'S BELIEFS

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS
AFTER WE PASS AWAY.

I'VE HEARD WORDS LIKE
DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED LOLLIPOPS,

CHAMPAGNE LIMOUSINES,
AND, FOR SOME REASON,

DJANGO REINHARDT.

I'VE EVEN HEARD SOME KIDS
EXPRESS THEIR DESIRES

TO VISIT DEAD RELATIVES,

WHICH IS WHY WE'VE INVITED
NATALIE'S GRANDMOTHER

TO CLARIFY SOME THINGS
SHE MAY OR... MAY NOT HAVE SAID.

WELL, THE THING IS, KIDS...

I'M CRAZY.

(laughs)

OOH!