All language subtitles for Bunheads.S01E08_English

- PREVIOUSLY ON "BUNHEADS"...
- I REMEMBER THIS SONG
BEING MUCH SHORTER.

THANK GOD
SHE'S BACK TOMORROW.

FANNY EXTENDED HER TRIP.

SHE'S NOT COMING BACK
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

- WHAT?!
- STILL NO SASHA TODAY.

- I KNOW, MISSING CLASS.
- MAYBE SHE FINALLY
GOT IN TROUBLE.

- WE THOUGHT YOU WERE
IN MILITARY SCHOOL.
- NO, WE DIDN'T.

WE JUST THOUGHT
YOU GOT BUSTED.

THEY GAVE YOU
A CREDIT CARD
FOR BEING A JERK.

- WHAT DID I MISS?
- WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
FANNY'S RULES.

OH, YOU TELL HER
ABOUT WALKING ON SAND?

- SHE HAS RULES FOR EVERYTHING.
- SWIMMING, PIANO LESSONS,

- READING-- ALL FINE.
- NO EATING AFTER SUNDOWN.

- AVOIDING DIRECT SUNLIGHT.
- YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T EVEN
BE A MINUTE LATE

FOR CLASS--
FANNY'S RULE, NOT MINE.

- FANNY'S NOT HERE.
- SHE'S NOT HERE,
BUT HER CLASS IS,

HER STUDIO IS AND HER
RULES SURE AS HELL ARE.

- [ birds chirping ]
- [ Melanie sighs ]

Melanie: ANOTHER SATURDAY. BONED.

WHEN ARE WE EVER GOING
TO HAVE A WEEKEND OFF?

WHEN WE'RE 40 AND
TOO OLD TO ENJOY IT.

WE HAVE BALLET
ALL MORNING--

AND THEN A FUN-FILLED
THREE-HOUR LEADERSHIP
CONFERENCE AT SCHOOL.

I HAD TO SIT THROUGH
THAT LAST YEAR.

A MILLION COMMUNITY
LEADERS YAMMERING
ON AND ON AND ON.

- OUR COMMUNITY HAS LEADERS?
- JUST WAIT TILL YOU EXPERIENCE

PETE FROM PETE'S PESTICIDES
AND HIS TAKE ON PUNCTUALITY.

IT'S INSPIRING.

- HI, GIRLS.
- HEY.

BOO, WHAT ARE
THOSE FOR?

THEY'RE FOR MADAME FANNY.
IT'S A WELCOME-BACK BOUQUET.

WHAT'S WRONG?

THOSE ARE FREEWAY FLOWERS.

- YOU CAN TELL?
- THEY'RE ALREADY TURNING BROWN.

AND THERE ARE MORE DAISIES
THAN ROSES. THAT'S ALWAYS
A TELLTALE SIGN.

AND ALL THIS BABY'S BREATH
SCREAMS "CHEAP."

BABY'S BREATH IS THE CURLY
PARSLEY OF THE FLOWER WORLD.

ISN'T IT THE THOUGHT
THAT COUNTS?

REMEMBER KATE HUTCHINS?
LITTLE REDHEAD?

SHE BROUGHT
FREEWAY FLOWERS ONE YEAR.

FANNY THANKED HER,
PUT THEM IN A VASE,

THEN POOR LITTLE KATE GOT
PUSHED FARTHER AND FARTHER

TO THE BACK OF THE CLASS.

TILL SHE WAS ALL THE WAY
OUT OF THE BUILDING.

- THEN HER PARENTS
SOLD THEIR HOUSE.
- IN A REALLY BAD MARKET.

[ sighs ]

- HI, EVERYBODY.
- FREEWAY FLOWERS?

- GROCERY STORE.
- OH.

WHAT?

[ sighs ]

[ theme music playing ]

OH. HI.

WELL, HELLO THERE.

AND HOW ARE YOU
THIS FINE DAY?

I'M GOOD.
I AM VERY GOOD.

I MUST SAY, I AM NOTHING
BUT GOOD-- AND YOU?

- I'M GOOD TOO.
- GOOD!

I'M JUST GRABBING
SOME FOOD.

MY LITTLE KITCHEN IS
STILL NOT UP AND RUNNING.

IT'S NOT EVEN UP
AND LIMPING.

AH, DAMN.
OUT OF CAYENNE PEPPER.

MY EGGS ARE NOTHING
WITHOUT CAYENNE PEPPER.

THERE MUST BE MORE
SOMEWHERE.

I HAVE NO IDEA.

I HAVEN'T CRACKED THE SECRET
STORAGE SYSTEM AROUND HERE.

YEP, SAME AS ALWAYS.

SHOVES THE SPICES DOWN
BEHIND THE SANDWICH BAGS.

- WHY?
- YEAH, WHY?

- IT'S JUST AWKWARD.
- VERY.

DO YOU KNOW
WHO IN THE HELL I AM?

- NO.
- I'M MICHAEL.

YOU MUST HAVE HEARD
ABOUT ME.

ONLY THAT YOU RODE YOUR BOAT
ASHORE, HALLELUJAH.

[ chuckles ]
SHE SAID YOU WERE FUNNY.

- AND QUICK TOO-- I LIKE THAT.
- WE'RE TALKING FANNY, RIGHT?

WHO ELSE WOULD WE
BE TALKING ABOUT?

- SO SHE'S BACK?
- SHE SURE IS.

OKAY, CATCHING UP HERE.

LISTEN--
JOIN US FOR BREAKFAST.

I ALWAYS MAKE THREE TIMES
WHAT ANYBODY COULD EAT.

OH, NO, I COULDN'T--
I MEAN, CONSIDERING

WHERE YOU'RE HEADED
WITH THAT TRAY,

I DON'T THINK
YOU WANT ME AROUND.

I'M SETTING US UP
IN THE DINING ROOM.

OH, THE DINING ROOM. OKAY.

THAT'S A TERRIFIC PLACE
TO EAT BREAKFAST.

I JUST THOUGHT WITH THE ROBE
THAT YOU WERE HEADING

BACK TO FANNY, AND THAT
SHE WAS STILL IN BED,

AND I WAS THINKING, "WHAT IS
THIS-- KINKY BREAKFAST DAY?"

YOU KNOW?

NO, NOT REALLY.

ALL THREE OF US HAVING
BREAKFAST IN BED--

THAT QUEEN-SIZED BED UP THERE?

I'M NOT A PRUDE.
I MEAN, I'VE HAD BREAKFAST

IN ALL KINDS OF PLACES--
SOME KINKY, SOME NOT.

MOST OF 'EM NOT.
I REALLY DON'T HAVE
KINKY BREAKFASTS MUCH.

- GOOD FOR YOU.
- DOESN'T GET MUCH LESS KINKY

THAN THIS.

HAVE A GOOD ONE.

[ door closes ]

YOU TOO.

[ jazz music playing ]

GINGER ROGERS
WAS SO GLAMOROUS.

IT'S LIKE SHE'S FLOATING,
NOT DANCING.

Boo:
SHE COULD TALK TOO.
SHE WAS FUNNY.

THEY TALKED FASTER
BACK THEN. IT'S FUNNIER
WHEN IT'S FASTER.

AND THEY WOULD SHOOT
A WHOLE DANCE SEQUENCE
IN JUST ONE SHOT.

- NO EDITING.
- OH, WELL, HELLO.

WHEN DID MR. SCORSESE
GET HERE?

- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
- BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO
EXPLAIN "KUNDUN" TO ME.

SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL TOO.
SHE EXUDES SEX.

- YUCK!
- SORRY.

THAT'S JUST WHAT
MY MOM SAYS WHEN
SHE SEES MATT LAUER.

DOUBLE YUCK!

I USED TO THINK THAT ACTORS
IN BLACK AND WHITE MOVIES

WENT HOME TO BLACK AND
WHITE HOUSES AND LIVED IN
BLACK AND WHITE WORLDS.

YOU SOUND LIKE
A SAD DR. SEUSS.

Boo:
HEY, LOOK.
I'M GINGER ROGERS.

I THOUGHT I WAS
GINGER ROGERS.

WE CAN BOTH BE
GINGER ROGERS--
[ gasps ]

- ARE YOU OKAY?
- THIS IS A ROUGH BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW, GINGER ROGERS
DID EVERYTHING

THAT FRED ASTAIRE DID,
BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS.

AND IN HIGH HEELS.
ANY OTHER BRILLIANT CLICHES

YOU'D LIKE TO HIT US
WITH TODAY, BOO?

A PENNY SAVED
IS A PENNY EARNED?

IT'S NOT THE HEAT,
IT'S THE HUMIDITY?

I DIDN'T SAY
I THOUGHT IT UP, SASHA.

SO HAVE YOU AND JORDAN
REHEARSED THE ASTAIRE/ROGERS
THING YET?

A LITTLE. WE DON'T
WANT TO REHEARSE TOO MUCH.

- TRYING TO KEEP IT FRESH.
- [ three thuds ]

- WHOA.
- THREE WHACKS.

SHE'S IN A MOOD.

[ three thuds ]

- LET'S SHOW 'EM SOME.
- YOU GOT IT.

[ piano music plays ]

- WHO NEEDS REHEARSAL?
- YOU DON'T.

- THAT WAS GREAT, JORDAN.
- I KNOW.

Fanny:
OKAY. LET'S GATHER.

QUICK, QUICK, EVERYONE.

WELCOME BACK,
MADAME FANNY.

I'M NEVER GONE.
I'M ALWAYS HERE.

YES, MA'AM.
SO ARE WE.

OKAY, EVERYBODY LISTEN UP
BECAUSE WE HAVE A LOT
TO CATCH UP ON.

AS MY VETERANS KNOW,
WE ARE FAST APPROACHING
SHOW SEASON.

- I LOVE SHOW SEASON.
- SHH!

SUMMER IS OUR BUSIEST TIME
FOR PERFORMANCES.

WE HAVE OUR USUALS
COMING UP--

THE REGIONAL MALL TOUR
AT THE END OF JULY,

THE STRAWBERRY FESTIVAL.

THE VENTURA COUNTY ARTS FAIR
WILL BE AN OVERNIGHTER,

SO I'M GOING TO NEED
SOME PARENTS TO TAG ALONG.

THEN IT'S OUR NUTCRACKER
AT THE END OF AUGUST.

WHY DO WE DO OUR
NUTCRACKER IN AUGUST?

COSTUMES
ARE HALF-OFF.

BUT OUR FIRST PERFORMANCE
OF THE SEASON

IS FOR THE GRAND OPENING
OF PARADISE GOURMET FOODS,

AND IT'S A BIGGIE.

THEY'RE BUILDING
A BEAUTIFUL STAGE FOR US

AND WE'RE GIVING THEM
A FULL BALLET EXHIBITION,

CLOSING WITH
THE ASTAIRE/ROGERS DANCE.

MADAME FANNY, WHAT ABOUT
THE ARROYO GRANDE BEACH PARTY?

NOT HAPPENING THIS YEAR.

THEIR ARTS COUNCIL DECIDED
TO GO WITH AN EXHIBITION

BY THE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
CHEERLEADING CHAMPS.

TO EACH HIS OWN.

[ whispering ]
THAT CAN'T BE ALL.

WAIT FOR IT...

WHAT THE HELL
DOES CHEERLEADING

HAVE TO DO WITH ART?!

AND THAR SHE BLOWS.

IF CHEERLEADING IS ART,
THEN SO IS YODELING

AND PLATE-SPINNING.

IF THOSE MORONS
AT ARROYO GRANDE

WANT TO SEE SQUATTY GIRLS
WITH THICK THIGHS

DO THEIR GROTESQUE HANDSTANDS
AND FLIMSY ACROBATICS,

THEN FINE!
LET 'EM!

THEIR GRAND FINALE CAN BE
A CHICKEN PECKING OUT OF TUNE

ON A TOY PIANO--
THAT'LL WOW 'EM!

[ quietly sighs ]
WHERE WAS I?

YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT
THE PARADISE GOURMET
FOOD STORE OPENING.

YES, THAT'S IN TWO WEEKS,
AND WE HAVE A LOT
OF WORK TO DO.

SASHA,
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- TURN AROUND.

YOU HAVE TAN LINES.

YEAH, I GOT
A LITTLE SUN.

I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

ME NEITHER.
IT HURTS A LITTLE.

YOU KNOW THE RULES
ABOUT MEMBERS OF MY CLASS
AND THE SUN.

THEY ARE NOT TO COME
IN CONTACT WITH EACH OTHER.

IT'S HARD TO AVOID
SOMETIMES.

WALKING DOWN
THE STREET, YES.

BUT CLEARLY
YOU WERE IN THE SUN

IN A BATHING SUIT.

NOW IF I WERE TRAINING YOU
FOR A CAREER IN RADIO,

THAT WOULD BE FINE.

BUT DANCE
IS A VISUAL MEDIUM,
AND IT'S SHOW SEASON!

I'M SORRY.

WANT TO TRY THAT AGAIN?

I APOLOGIZE.
I'M VERY SORRY.

- BOO?
- YES?

YOU'RE DOING THE ASTAIRE/
ROGERS DANCE THIS YEAR.

- WHAT?!
- BUT SASHA ALWAYS DOES IT.

- SHE AND JORDAN ARE--
- [ thuds loudly ]

PLACES AT THE BARRE.

- [ piano music plays ]
- Fanny: FIRST POSITION.

DEMI, DEMI, GRANDE.

AND DEMI.
AND STRAIGHT.

DEMI AND STRAIGHT.
AND GRANDE.

THERE SHE IS.

HEY, FANNY.
WELCOME BACK.

- HALF MY PLANTS ARE DEAD.
- THEY LOOK FINE TO ME.

YOU CLEARLY DID NOTHING
TO HELP THE GARDEN
WHILE I WAS GONE.

THE GARDENERS WERE HERE.
THEY DID IT ALL.

THE GARDENERS
MOW, BLOW AND GO.

I DIDN'T CATCH
THEIR NAMES, BUT THAT
COULD BE THEM.

I MEAN, COULDN'T YOU SEE
THEY WERE DISTRESSED?

THE GARDENERS
OR THE PLANTS?

- MICHELLE.
- FANNY, YOU DON'T WANT ME
TOUCHING YOUR PLANTS.

PLANTS AND I HAVE
A HISTORY-- A BAD HISTORY.

"THE KILLING FIELDS"?
THAT WAS ME.
I KILLED THOSE FIELDS.

WELL, CLEARLY I'M
GOING TO HAVE TO SHOW YOU

HOW TO DEADHEAD PEONIES
FOR THE NEXT TIME I'M GONE.

OKAY, I CAN'T
WAIT TO EXPLORE

THE EXCITING WORLD
OF PEONY DEADHEADING.

GOOD. OH, AND I'VE GOT
TICKETS TO THE MATINEE

OF A PLAY TOMORROW
IN L.A.-- I WANT YOU
TO GO WITH ME.

IN MY NEW ROLE AS
YOUR SPINSTER DAUGHTER?

- DON'T BE SNOTTY.
- I'M JUST SAYING

I'M VERY BUSY WITH MY
NEEDLEPOINT THIS WEEKEND,

THEN I WAS GOING
TO USE MY QUILL PEN
TO WRITE A LETTER

TO COUSIN HENRY
IN MANCHESTER.

I THOUGHT YOU LIKED THEATER.
THAT'S WHY I ASKED.

I DO LIKE THEATER,
BUT YOU DIDN'T ASK.

WELL, SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE FREE.
I'M PAYING FOR THE TICKETS.

THE PLAY'S SUPPOSED
TO BE GOOD, SO WHAT'S
STOPPING YOU FROM GOING?

- ME?
- NO.

I LOVE THEATER, AND YOU'RE NOT
STOPPING ME FROM GOING.

SO YES, I WILL GO WITH YOU.

GOOD. IT'S SUPPOSED
TO BE VERY FUNNY.

IT'S CALLED
"BLANK UP, IT'S TIME."

"BLANK UP"?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL, THE BLANK
IS SOME VULGAR WORD,

SO THAT'S HOW THEY HAVE
TO PRINT IT ON THE TICKETS.

"BLANK UP, IT'S TIME"?

OKAY, I'M SCROLLING THROUGH
MY MENTAL LIST

OF FILTHY WORDS HERE.

THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

THAT'S FUNNY,
BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

I GOT A LOT OF FILTHY STUFF
I'M WORKING THROUGH HERE.

- I HAVE NO DOUBT.
- OOH, GETTING TO
THE OBSCURE ONES NOW.

OOH, HELLO, HAVEN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT YOU IN A WHILE,

YOU CHEEKY LITTLE DEVIL.

NOPE, NOTHING MAKES SENSE
WITH THAT TITLE.

WELL, THEN--
ONE MORE REASON TO GO.

YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SOLVE
THE MYSTERY OF THE TITLE.

SO THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE
FOR YOU TO GO WITH?

NO SPECIAL FRIEND?

[ scoffs ]
I TOOK COLLEEN ONCE

TO "THE SOUND OF MUSIC."

SHE HUMMED OFF-KEY
TO EVERY SONG,

THEN GOT SO CONFUSED
SHE ENDED UP ROOTING
FOR THE NAZIS.

NO, I MEANT
A SPECIAL FRIEND.

YOU KNOW, A CAYENNE
PEPPERY FRIEND?

- YOU MEAN MICHAEL?
- YES, MICHAEL-- THE MAN
YOU'VE BEEN HIDING

- FROM ME.
- I WASN'T HIDING HIM
FROM YOU.

WELL, YOU DIDN'T
TELL ME ABOUT HIM.

I DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT
THE MARSHMALLOW VODKA
I BOUGHT, EITHER,

BUT YOU MANAGED TO FIND
THAT JUST FINE.

- SO WHY ISN'T HE GOING?
- HE'LL TAG ALONG TO MUSICALS,

BUT HE DOESN'T
LIKE STRAIGHT PLAYS.
HE THINKS THEY'RE BORING.

SO TELL ME ABOUT HIM.
WHO IS HE?

HE'S A VERY GOOD
FRIEND OF MINE.

HE WAS SPORTING
YOUR SLIPPERS.

I'D SAY HE'S
A VERY GOOD FRIEND.

I'VE KNOWN MICHAEL FOR...
LONGER THAN I WANT TO ADMIT.

HE'S A PIANIST,
A FINE ONE.

HE TOURS A LOT, AND
WHENEVER HE'S IN THE AREA

WE SPEND TIME TOGETHER.

- HE SEEMED NICE.
- HE'S WONDERFUL.

WE KEEP IT CASUAL AND IT
ALL WORKS OUT PERFECTLY.

WOW, VERY GOOD.
I APPROVE.

I WASN'T LOOKING
FOR YOUR APPROVAL.

SO YOU'LL SWING BY
IN THE AFTERNOON, AND
WE'LL HIT THE ROAD?

YOU'RE DRIVING.

HAD AN INKLING
THAT WAS THE CASE.

Man:
CLARITY OF PURPOSE,
MOTIVATION AND TEAMWORK.

THOSE ARE THE THREE. SO FIRST, WHAT IS CLARITY OF PURPOSE?

- THAT WAS STUPID.
- WE'RE OUT, AREN'T WE?

BUT I THINK WALKING
BACKWARDS OUT THE DOOR

TO CREATE THE ILLUSION
THAT WE'RE ACTUALLY
WALKING IN

JUST DREW MORE
ATTENTION TO US.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DROPPED
ALL YOUR LEADERSHIP MATERIALS

- AND WENT, "TA-DA!"
- I HEAR NO ALARMS.

I SEE NO SEARCH DOGS.
WE'RE FREE, LADIES.

- REJOICE.
- SO WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO?

I'VE GOT A PRESCRIPTION
TO PICK UP.

CAN'T YOUR MOM
DO THAT FOR YOU?

THEN I'D NEVER
SEE IT AGAIN.

- IS THE KATY PERRY
MOVIE STILL OUT?
- I'M SORRY.

I'M NOT SITTING THROUGH
THAT WOMAN SQUIRTING
THINGS AT ME IN 3-D.

- THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING.
- HOLD ON, I GOTTA GET SOMETHING
OUTTA MY LOCKER.

YOU MIGHT WANT
TO STAND BACK A LITTLE
WHEN YOU OPEN THAT.

- WHY?
- AN ENRAGED SASHA
MAY JUMP OUT.

SHE WAS BLACK SWAN
BEFORE YOU TOOK HER
GINGER ROGERS.

- NOW THAT MAKES HER
DEF CON SWAN.
- SHE'S GOT NOTHING TO LOSE.

I DIDN'T TAKE HER GINGER ROGERS.
FANNY GAVE IT TO ME.

SASHA DOESN'T GET
TOO ANALYTICAL WHEN IT
COMES TO PLACING BLAME.

SHE'S A LITTLE MORE
RESULT ORIENTED.

- AND THE RESULT
IS YOU GOT THE PART.
- BUT I DIDN'T EVEN ASK FOR IT.

WE'RE HANGING IN THE SCHOOL
HALLWAY ON A SATURDAY.
THIS WAS NOT THE POINT.

- WE'LL MEET YOU OUTSIDE.
- OKAY.

- I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS.
- OF WHAT?

OF BRINGING WINE
INTO A THEATER.

- WELL, I LOVE GETTING
SLOSHED AT THE THEATER.
- BUT WE'RE BOTH PERFORMERS,

SO THE THEATER
IS SACRED GROUND.
THIS IS OUR CHURCH.

CHURCHES HAVE WINE.
JESUS MADE IT OUT OF WATER.
EVER HEAR OF IT?

I SAW
"JESUS CHRIST, SUPERSTAR,"
OF COURSE I'VE HEARD OF IT.

THIS IS OUR ROW.
AND THAT'S US.

EXCUSE ME.

PARDON ME.
THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME.
THOSE ARE OUR SEATS.

THOSE ARE OUR SEATS.
EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME,
I NEED TO GET TO MY SEAT.

THEN YOU SHOULD'VE GOTTEN HERE
A LITTLE EARLIER.

UH, THE PLAY HASN'T
STARTED YET.

- CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
- JUST SQUEEZE THROUGH.

I CAN'T.
THIS WOMAN'S BUILT
LIKE THE PANAMA CANAL.

- WELL, THE PANAMA CANAL OPENS,
DOESN'T IT?
- THE NERVE.

COME ON,
WE'RE BLOCKING PEOPLE.

I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE
TO POWER THROUGH.

COMING THROUGH HERE.

COMING THROUGH!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- HONEY, I DON'T THINK
I'M GONNA MAKE IT.

DID YOU SEE THAT?
I WAS CAUGHT BETWEEN
THAT WOMAN'S GIANT LEGS!

- KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.
- WHY? AM I BEING RUDE?

YOU'RE HERE FIVE MINUTES
AND YOU'RE ALREADY HAVING
AN ARGUMENT WITH SOMEONE.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE BROUGHT
THE FRIEND WHO HUMS THE SONGS
AND ROOTS FOR THE NAZIS.

THE WOMAN MOVED FOR ME,
THAT'S ALL I KNOW.

THAT'S BECAUSE HER LEGS
ARE LIKE A STUCK PICKLE JAR.
I LOOSENED THEM FOR YOU.

- OH GOD.
- GIVE ME THAT!

- HEY!
- IT'S MATINEE CROWDS,
YOU KNOW?

- WHAT ABOUT MATINEE CROWDS?
- THEY'RE DIFFERENT THAN
NIGHT CROWDS.

- THEY'RE OLDER. CRANKIER.
- JUST CALM DOWN AND READ
YOUR PROGRAM.

OH, I KNOW ONE
OF THE ASSISTANT
COSTUMERS HERE.

SHE HELPED ME
WITH "NUTCRACKER"
LAST YEAR.

GOOD FOR HER,
GETTING THIS GIG.

SO YOU'VE TAUGHT
YOUR FIRST BALLET CLASS
SINCE GETTING BACK, RIGHT?

- HOW'D IT GO?
- FINE. THEY'RE ALL
A LITTLE RUSTY.

- AND HOW WAS SASHA?
- SUNSHINE SWEET.

SHE'S DEFINITELY GOING
THROUGH A PHASE.

- THAT'S GOING
INTO ITS THIRD YEAR.
- SO WHAT'S THE STRATEGY?

I'VE ALREADY CUT HER
FROM A DANCE SHE'S DOING.
THAT DELIVERED A MESSAGE.

SASHA'S NEVER BEEN
CUT FROM A DANCE.

- YOU CUT HER
FROM "NUTCRACKER"?
- NO!

I NEED HER
FOR "NUTCRACKER."
THIS WAS SOMETHING ELSE.

BUT SHE GOT THE MESSAGE.
TRUST ME.

- OH, HERE WE GO.
- [ music playing ]

HMPH.
SLOW READER-- FIGURES.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- MY OWN SECRET RECIPE.

THE BROWNIE'S JUST
OUR REGULAR BROWNIE,

BUT I MADE THE TOPPING:
WHIPPED CREAM,
CRUSHED CHERRIES,

- COCOA POWDER--
- AND TABASCO?

[ whispers ]
THAT'S THE SECRET.

- IT'S GOOD.
- IT'S ON THE HOUSE.

THANKS.

SO YOU'RE, LIKE,
TALKING TO ME.

- OF COURSE I AM.
- YOU'RE NOT MAD ABOUT
THE GINGER ROGERS THING?

NAH, I'VE DONE GINGER.
DONE HER TO DEATH.

- I'M FINE WITH YOU DOING IT.
- REALLY?

THAT'S GREAT.

- CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
- SURE.

- YOU NEVER GO IN THE SUN.
- YES, I DO.

- YOU DON'T.
YOU HATE THE SUN.
- I LOVE THE SUN.

I'VE KNOWN YOU
SINCE YOU WERE FOUR.
WE MET IN LINE

IN KINDERGARTEN
AND YOUR PARASOL
HIT ME IN THE EYE.

- KIND OF A CUTE MEET.
- WHY WERE YOU IN THE SUN?

- BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE.
- YOU HATE THE SUN.

- PEOPLE CHANGE, BOO.
- BUT--

PEOPLE CHANGE!

- I DIDN'T MAKE YOU MAD
AT ME, DID I?
- NOT YET.

- I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO WORK.
- THANKS FOR THE DESSERT.

- Actor: TORRID, I'D CALL IT.
- Actress: I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GETTING SO UPSET ABOUT.

Actor: THE HOUSE! THE HOUSE! I'M UPSET ABOUT THE HOUSE!

- [ doorbell rings ]
- Actor: MORMONS?

Actress: RUSSELL.

- HMMM.
- HUH.

- HAH.
- HUHHH.

- I'M CONFUSED.
- ME TOO. WHICH ONE
WAS MIRABELLE?

- THE REDHEAD, I THINK.
- I THOUGHT THAT WAS CATALINA.

- WHICH ONE WAS RUSSELL?
- HE WAS THE GUY AT THE DOOR.

- YES, BUT DID
WE SEE HIM EARLIER?
- OH GOD, I DON'T KNOW.

- THERE ARE TOO MANY CHARACTERS.
- AND TOO MANY PLOTS.

- I WISH IT WAS
A MORMON AT THE DOOR.
- A SINGING MORMON.

- ARE YOU USING THE RESTROOM?
- I'M FINE. ARE YOU?

YES.

- THEN SHOULDN'T YOU GO?
- NO.

FOR I AM GOING TO UTILIZE
THE ORTEGA MANEUVER.

- THE WHAT?
- A CHOREOGRAPHER I WORKED WITH,
KENNY ORTEGA, TAUGHT IT TO ME.

IT'S SURPRISINGLY SIMPLE:
INSTEAD OF RUSHING
TO THE LADIES' ROOM

AND GETTING INTO THAT
RIDICULOUSLY LONG LINE,
I TAKE MY TIME.

THE LINE WORKS ITS WAY DOWN.
THEN AS SOON AS THEY PLAY
THE SIT DOWN BELLS

PEOPLE PANIC, LEAVE--
I DASH IN AT THE LAST SECOND,

DO MY THING, DASH OUT,
BING-BANG-BOOM,

I'M BACK IN MY SEAT,
DIDN'T HAVE TO SUFFER
THE LINE.

SOUNDS VERY SIMPLE.
LIKE, WHY WOULD SOMEONE
EVEN HAVE TO THINK THAT UP?

I'M GOING TO START SLOWLY
GETTING INTO POSITION.
YOU'LL WATCH MY SEAT?

- WHY, WHAT'S IT GOING TO DO?
- JUST WATCH IT.

NO ONE'S GOING
TO TAKE YOUR SEAT.

PLEASE JUST GO THE OTHER WAY.
I BEG YOU.

NO.
THIS IS PERSONAL.

- EXCUSE ME.
- OH, I'M GETTING UP TOO.

VICTORY!

- Actor: SO IS IT
COCKTAIL TIME YET?
- NO!

- NO NO NO NO NO.
- SHH.

- IT STARTED?
- SORRY.

THIS IS NOT MY FAULT.
I UTILIZED THE ORTEGA MANEUVER

AND I HAD IT ALL TIMED OUT,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE ARE A COUPLE OF
SUNDAY MATINEE VARIABLES
I DID NOT FORESEE.

ONE, AN OLDER MATINEE CROWD
IS WAY LESS PREDICTABLE
THAN A NORMAL CROWD,

WHAT WITH THE CANES
AND THE WALKERS
AND THE "PARDON ME."

- AND THEY CAN'T HEAR
THE SIT-DOWN BELLS.
- IT IS AN OLDER CROWD.

AND TWO, GUESS WHO WAS
HOGGING THE LAST STALL
AT THE LAST SECOND?

I MEAN, LONG AFTER SHE HAD
FINISHED HER BUSINESS.

- I WOULDN'T KNOW.
- THE LADY WITH THE BIG LEGS.

OH, YOU'VE SEEN HER.
THE BIG EAST-EUROPEAN
LEG WOMAN?

- SHH, PLEASE.
- I'M NEVER LATE FOR A CURTAIN.
NEVER.

YOU SHOULD ARREST THAT LADY.
OH, AND OF COURSE, SHE GOT
BACK TO HER SEAT.

UGH, I HATE THAT
BIG-LEGGED LADY SO MUCH.

THERE'S A SCENE CHANGE
IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
I CAN GET YOU DOWN THEN.

WHY BOTHER?
CRAZY BIG LEGS
PROBABLY WON'T GET UP,

AND I'LL BE THIS BIG JACKASS
BLOCKING EVERYONE'S VIEW
AS I'M STUMBLING OVER HER.

- IT'S NO PROBLEM.
- YOU KNOW, THE ONLY REASON
I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

WAS BECAUSE I DRANK
A TON OF FANNY'S WINE
BECAUSE I WAS SO MAD

AT THAT BIG-LEGGED
EAST-EUROPEAN LADY.
THIS HAS SO SUCKED.

WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME
TO WATCH FROM BACK HERE.

THANK YOU.

[ groaning ]

OH NO, TERRIFIC.
STAY THERE JUST AS LONG
AS YOU LIKE.

NEVER MIND THE FACT
YOU SHOULD HAVE CROSSED
THREE FRICKING BEATS AGO.

Russell: WHAT?

Actress: RUSSELL, THAT LAWNMOWER WAS BRAND-NEW.

- OH GOD, SHOOT ME NOW.
- WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THAT?

SHE'S CARRYING THE BOOK
IN HER DOWNSTAGE HAND.

- SHE DOES THAT EVERY TIME.
I CORRECT HER EVERY TIME.
- IT LOOKS OKAY TO ME.

IT'S NOT, OKAY?
IT'S NOT.

- DIRECTOR, RIGHT?
- AND IMMINENT SUICIDE VICTIM.

- CONOR.
- MICHELLE. HI.

- I WISH I WAS.
- IS THIS GOING TO BROADWAY?

NOT LIKE THAT.

MUST BE HARD GETTING THROUGH
AN OUT OF TOWN TRYOUT.

SLOWLY SAW THROUGH
EACH OF YOUR FINGERS

WITH A RAZOR BLADE
DIPPED IN VINEGAR--
IT'S MORE PLEASANT.

- WHAT BRINGS YOU
TO THE OLD LADY MATINEE?
- AN OLD LADY.

WELL, SHE'S NOT THAT OLD,
NOT COMPARED TO A LOT
OF PEOPLE HERE.

I COUNT EIGHT ASLEEP

- AND THREE DEAD.
- HEY, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

- SURE.
- WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?

- I HAVE NO IDEA.
- NO, REALLY.

NO, REALLY.
I HAVE NO IDEA.

THE PLAYWRIGHT THINKS
HE'S EUGENE O'NEILL.
THIS IS ED O'NEILL.

- IT'S GOT ITS MOMENTS.
- THEY'RE ACCIDENTAL AND IT'S
DEFINITELY A BAD AUDIENCE.

THE LADIES WITH THE BRAWNY
EAST-EUROPEAN LEGS
COME TO THESE SHOWS.

WOW, YOU HEARD THAT,
WITH EVERYTHING GOING ON?

I NEED SOMETHING
TO ENTERTAIN ME.

Actor:
...VIOLINIST WHO NEVER
HEARD OF AN ARPEGGIO?

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
A TYPE OF PASTA SAUCE.

[ scattered laughter ]

- WHY DIDN'T YOU LAUGH AT THAT?
- I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS FUNNY.

- I ADDED THAT LINE.
- THEN I LOVED IT.

OH, DON'T DO THAT.

GO AHEAD.
SCRIBBLE SOME MORE.

- SO BIG LEGS SKEDADDLED?
- MICHELLE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

- I WAS STUCK IN THE BACK
OF THE HOUSE.
- I WAS WORRIED.

REALLY?
THAT'S NICE
OF YOU TO WORRY.

I WAS WORRIED THAT
YOU'D LEFT WITHOUT ME.

OH.
NOPE, I WAS IN THE BACK
WITH THE DIRECTOR.

- OH?
- LONG STORY.

NICE GUY.
GOING THROUGH HELL,
POOR THING.

- I CAN DRIVE MYSELF BACK,
YOU KNOW.
- WHY?

- IF YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH HIM.
- I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH HIM.

WHY? THERE ARE WAYS
FOR YOU TO GET HOME.

- THERE ARE BUSSES.
- I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE
A MIDNIGHT GREYHOUND BUS HOME

AFTER HAVING QUICK SEX
WITH A GUY I JUST MET IN THE
BACK OF A THEATER, THANK YOU.

- IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE QUICK.
- THAT WASN'T MY POINT.

YOU MAY WANT TO RECONSIDER.
HE'S A DIRECTOR.

- HE COULD GET YOU A ROLE.
- I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A ROLE.

THERE ARE TAXIS TOO,
IF YOU DON'T WANT A BUS.

ALTHOUGH
THAT'LL COST A FORTUNE.
COULD HE DRIVE YOU HOME?

I DON'T KNOW
IF HE HAS A CAR.

- AND I'M NOT
SLEEPING WITH HIM!
- OKAY.

I JUST DON'T WANT YOU
TO MISS A QUICK BOFF
ON MY ACCOUNT.

YOU KNOW, HEARING THAT,
I DO FEEL COMFORTABLE HAVING
A QUICK BOFF WITH HIM.

PERHAPS IN THE ALLEY.
AND IF IT'S THAT QUICK,

YOU AND I COULD STILL
GO HOME TOGETHER.

FINE.
ANYTHING LESS THAN 20 MINUTES
AND I'M WILLING TO WAIT.

[ groans ]

[ piano playing ]

- PIANO'S OUT OF TUNE.
- I JUST HAD IT TUNED.

- WELL, THE DEAF GUY
MISSED SOMETHING.
- HE WASN'T DEAF.

- [ plays note ]
- YOU HEAR THAT?

THAT IS NOT ONE NOTE.
THAT'S THREE.

SO IT'S A CHORD.
MUSIC HAS CHORDS.

I'VE GOT MY TUNING LEVER,
I'LL FIX IT MYSELF.

YOU HURT YOUR HAND
THE LAST TIME YOU
FIXED IT YOURSELF.

- DO NOT TOUCH MY PIANO.
- OKAY.

SO WHAT MADNESS DO YOU HAVE
GOING ON HERE TODAY?

THAT'S MY FIREBIRD,
A STAPLE OF ALL MY MALL SHOWS.

THAT'S MY
"ON THE TOWN" GROUP--
A BIG CROWD PLEASER.

AND THAT'S MY GINGER.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
BOO!

- YES, MADAME FANNY?
- I WANT YOU TO BEGIN
PRACTICING WITH YOUR FRED.

- GREAT. JORDAN'S HERE?
- IT'S NOT GOING TO BE JORDAN.

OH.
WHAT HAPPENED?

HE, UM, HAD TO DROP OUT.
FAMILY MATTER.

THAT'S YOUR PARTNER.
CARL!

CARL?

HI, MADAME FANNY.
HI, BOO.

- HELLO, CARL.
- SO YOU'RE MY FRED ASTAIRE.

- YOU UP FOR IT?
- AM I UP FOR IT? HELLO.

I WILL CHANNEL THE MAN.
I'M THERE. I'M ALREADY THERE.

I'M NOT EVEN HERE ANYMORE.
THAT'S HOW THERE I AM.

- I DON'T KNOW
HOW I COULD POSSIBLY--
- DYAP-DYAP-DYAP-DYAP.

NOW I'M GOING TO START
WITH MY "ON THE TOWN."

WHY DON'T YOU TWO WATCH
THE TAPES OF SASHA AND JORDAN,

DO WHAT YOU CAN
AND I'LL FILL IN
THE REST LATER?

YOU GOT IT.

I'M PLOTZING.

WELL, GET SOME WATER.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- MADAME FANNY?
- YES?

I WAS JUST WONDERING...

DO YOU THINK CARL'S
RIGHT FOR THIS?

OF COURSE HE IS.
IT'S MY JOB TO KNOW
THESE THINGS.

AND I'M NOT
QUESTIONING YOUR
KNOWLEDGE OR ANYTHING,

BUT I WAS JUST THINKING,
DON'T YOU THINK THERE'S
A CERTAIN SOMETHING...

- LACKING?
- WELL, HE LACKS
JORDAN'S SKILLS.

- AND?
- AND WHAT?

- HEIGHT.
- SO CROUCH A LITTLE.

- WHILE DANCING
BACKWARDS IN HEELS?
- I'LL HAVE HIM JUMP A LOT.

THAT'LL EVEN IT OUT.
NOW GO ON, MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

MADAME FANNY, WOULD YOU
MIND IF I CALLED HIM?

- WHO?
- JORDAN, AND ASKED ABOUT
HIS FAMILY MATTER?

- BOO--
- IT BETTER BE A DEATH,
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

BOO, LISTEN TO ME,
JORDAN IS SPECIAL.

EVERY DANCE COMPANY
IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE
IS CLAMORING FOR HIM.

HE'S VERY TALENTED AND--
OH, LET'S FACE IT,

A GIANT EGOMANIAC,
AS MOST TALENTED
MALE DANCERS ARE.

I WOULDN'T TAKE IT
TOO SERIOUSLY.

HE DIDN'T EVEN
GIVE ME A CHANCE.

LOOK, BOO, I'LL ADMIT CARL

IS ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES
AND NOT YOUR HEIGHT.

BUT WHAT HE
LACKS IN EVERYTHING,
HE MAKES UP FOR IN ENTHUSIASM.

HE WANTS THIS SO BADLY.
HE LOVES IT MORE THAN
ANYONE IN THIS ROOM.

AND SOMETIMES ENTHUSIASM
IS ENOUGH TO CREATE MAGIC.

OR A TRAIN WRECK.

IT'S NICE TO GIVE
THE UNEXPECTED PERSON A SHOT

ONCE IN A WHILE,
DON'T YOU THINK?

- I GUESS.
- TRY.

- FOR ME?
- YES, MA'AM.

Boo:
WHY DOES EVERYTHING
ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?

- TOUGH BREAK.
- EXPECTING JORDAN
AND GETTING CARL.

- LITTLE CARL.
- YOU WENT FROM ROGERS-ASTAIRE
TO ROGERS-DINKLAGE.

DON'T YOU THINK I SHOULD
HAVE BEEN CONSULTED?
I MEAN, REALLY.

- I'M GINGER ROGERS.
- MADAME FANNY DOES NOT CONSULT.

- MAYBE FROM A DISTANCE
IT WON'T LOOK SO WEIRD.
- IT'S GONNA LOOK WEIRD.

YOU WON'T REALLY BE
DANCING CHEEK TO CHEEK.

- MORE LIKE CHEEK TO
YAWNING-GAP-OVER-HIS-HEAD.
- DON'T MAKE THIS WORSE.

IT'LL BE LIKE THAT STONEHENGE
BIT FROM "SPINAL TAP."

YOU MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY
TROD ON HIM.

- IT'S ALL ABOUT THE
PITUITARY GLAND, YOU KNOW.
- WHAT IS?

- DWARFISM.
I DID A PAPER ON IT.
- HE'S NOT A DWARF.

- HE'S CLOSE.
- THINK HE'LL GROW BEYOND THIS?

- PROBABLY NOT.
- HE DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT
TAKE UP CIGAR SMOKING.

A CIGAR'S NEVER GOING
TO LOOK RIGHT IN HIS HAND.

HE'S ALREADY TEXTED ME
FOUR TIMES ABOUT REHEARSAL

AND HE'S STILL DOWNSTAIRS
IN THE DRESSING ROOM.

- HE'S GOT A LOT OF ENERGY.
- HE KIND OF REMINDS ME
OF OUR DOG.

- WE HAVE A REALLY SMALL DOG.
- I JUST THINK I SHOULD
HAVE BEEN CONSULTED.

- I'M GINGER ROGERS.
- THAT'S SHOWBIZ, GINGER.

- [ TV playing ]
- [ laughter, clapping ]

- Fanny: I TOLD YOU
IT WAS GONNA BE CLOSE.
- Michael: YOU DID, YOU DID.

- Fanny: THAT CALLS
FOR SOME WINE.
- OH, COME ON!

- Fanny: IS THE MAN BLIND?
- THAT WAS A SWING.

- Fanny: I'LL LOSE A GAME,
BUT NOT TO THE UMP.
- HI, GUYS.

- HEY, MICHELLE.
ARE YOU A WHITE SOX FAN?
- NOPE.

- AH, CUBS FAN.
MY CONDOLENCES.
- NOT A CUBS FAN.

IF YOU'RE AN INDIANS FAN,
I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU
TO LEAVE.

- SHE DOESN'T FOLLOW BASEBALL.
- I'M SORRY,

- THEN WHAT'S
THE POINT OF LIVING?
- SHE DOESN'T FOLLOW ANY SPORT.

I FOLLOW THE KARDASHIANS.
THAT'S A SPORT.

NEVER KNEW YOU WERE
A BASEBALL FAN.

ARE YOU KIDDING?
SHE CAN RATTLE OFF STATS
WITH THE BEST OF THEM.

- GUESS I'VE JUST NEVER
HEARD HER STATS-RATTLE.
- HEY!

- PICKED HIM OFF!
- HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE
ON BASE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

DEFINITELY.
DEFINITELY.

I WILL LEAVE YOU
TO YOUR GAME. ENJOY.

Fanny:
I'M GOING SHOPPING TOMORROW.
WANT TO COME WITH?

- YEAH, I'LL TAG ALONG.
- I'LL GET YOU SOME SOCKS.

- I DON'T WANT ANY SOCKS.
- YOU NEED SOCKS.

- FANNY,
I DON'T WANT ANY SOCKS.
- TRUST ME, YOU NEED SOCKS.

Carl: BETTINA.

BETTINA!

I HAVE TO WORK.

- HI!
- OH JEEZ, CARL!
YOU SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH.

- SORRY.
- DON'T CALL ME BETTINA, OKAY?

- BUT THAT'S YOUR NAME.
- CALL ME BOO.
EVERYONE CALLS ME BOO.

FINE.
I LIKE BETTINA,
BUT BOO IT IS.

THOSE ARE THE PARENTS.
IT'S BEEN A LITTLE TENSE
IN THE CRAMER HOUSEHOLD.

NOT HEARING MUCH
LOVEMAKING THESE DAYS.

- EW.
- I'M JUST SAYIN'.

- SO YOU WANNA HEAR
MY STEWIE GRIFFIN?
- I REALLY AM BUSY, CARL.

OKAY, JUST GIVE ME
YOUR EMAIL.

I WANT TO SEND YOU LINKS
TO ASTAIRE-ROGERS DANCES.
THERE'S A BUNCH ON YOUTUBE.

YOU DON'T NEED TO DO THAT.
FANNY'S CHOREOGRAPHING
THE DANCE

AND WE HAVE
THE SASHA-JORDAN TAPES.

SHE TOLD US TO BRING
SOME IDEAS TO THE TABLE.

THEY DO THIS
ONE DANCE WHERE ASTAIRE
IS HYPNOTIZING GINGER,

SO I'VE BEEN WORKING
ON MY HYPNO-STARE.

[ humming ]

DON'T DO THAT.

I THINK
IF WE KEEP IT SIMPLE,
WE'RE GONNA WOW 'EM.

SURE,
WE'LL KEEP IT SIMPLE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

I DON'T MIND.
YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO BE A
BETTER GINGER ROGERS THAN SASHA.

OH, NO WAY.
SASHA'S GREAT.

SHE'S GOT BALLET BRAIN.
SHE CAN'T ADAPT. YOU CAN.

- MORE WATER HERE!
- GOT IT.

A "PLEASE" WOULD'VE
BEEN NICE TO HEAR.

YOU'RE CRAZY.

I SHOULD GET BACK
TO THE BICKERSONS.
YOU GOOD HERE?

YEAH.
THANKS, CARL.

YOU'RE GONNA WANT
TO HEAR MY STEWIE GRIFFIN.
MARK MY WORDS.

- HELLO, YOU TWO.
- GOOD MORNING.

HEY, MICHELLE.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

I WAS JUST GOING
TO GRAB AN ORANGE
OR SOME STALE MELBA TOAST

OR A FLAVORED TOOTHPICK.
SOMETHING TO KEEP BODY
AND SOUL TOGETHER.

- FORGET THAT. COME JOIN US.
- OH, I WOULDN'T WANT TO IMPOSE.

WHO ARE YOU TO SAY NO
TO A KINKY BREAKFAST?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, MICHAEL,
I KINDA MISSPOKE WHEN
I SAID THAT.

COME ON, GET IN HERE.
SIT IN MY CHAIR, MOOCH.

OH WELL, WHEN YOU
SWEET TALK A GIRL.

I WAS JUST GOING TO GET
SOME MORE COFFEE.
BE RIGHT BACK.

DON'T DO ANYTHING KINKY
WHILE I'M GONE.

REALLY, MICHAEL,
IT WAS A DUMB THING
TO SAY.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- I LIKE HIM.
- ME TOO.

- WHERE'D YOU MEET?
- IN A DIRTY JAZZ CLUB
IN MONTEREY.

I SAT IN THE BACK--
AT FIRST.

THEN I SAW HIM
AND I WORKED MY WAY DOWN FRONT
RIGHT IN HIS EYELINE.

- HE LOST HIS PLACE
A COUPLE OF TIMES.
- YOU SHOW-WRECKER.

- THAT'S ME.
- WAS HE MARRIED?

- HE HAPPENED NOT TO BE.
- WELL, LET ME ASK YOU THIS--

YOU GUYS ARE SO IN SYNC.

YOU'RE WATCHING BASEBALL,
YOU'RE EATING ON TV TRAYS,

AND I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU
SMILE SO MUCH.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU MADE IT
MORE PERMANENT?

IT IS PERMANENT.
WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOREVER.

BUT IT'S PERMANENTLY
NOT PERMANENT.
WHY IS THAT?

WHEN MICHAEL AND I MET,
HUBBELL'S FATHER HAD
JUST LEFT US,

I WAS NOT LOOKING TO RUSH
INTO A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP.

- NEITHER WAS MICHAEL.
- BUT IN ALL THE YEARS SINCE?

WE DID TALK
ABOUT MARRIAGE ONCE.

WHEN HUBBELL
WAS ABOUT 10 OR SO.

BUT HUBBELL HAD A FIT,
BROKE THE MODEL AIRPLANE
HE HAD BEEN WORKING ON.

IT WAS A VERY BIG DEAL,
SO WE DROPPED IT.

HE WAS VERY YOUNG,
IT WAS UNDERSTANDABLE.

- AND YOU NEVER REVISITED?
- NO.

WE NEVER REVISITED.

HE'S A TROUBADOUR,
YOU KNOW.

- HE DOESN'T EVEN OWN A HOUSE.
- YOU'RE KIND OF HIS HOUSE.

SOME MORE
KINKY COFFEE, LADIES.

I'M NEVER GONNA HEAR
THE END OF THIS, AM I?

- PROBABLY NOT.
- POUR AWAY.

IT'S OPEN.

- THIS DOOR
SHOULD BE LOCKED.
- WHY?

YOU'RE ALONE.
I WANT YOU SAFE.

- WELL, YOU'RE LATE.
- I STOPPED TO GET US
SOME CEL-REY TONIC.

I HAD TO GO TO FIVE
DIFFERENT STORES TO FIND IT.

- I LOVE CEL-REY TONIC.
- I KNOW.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- I HEARD YOU SAY IT ONCE
TO SOMEONE A COUPLE YEARS AGO.

AND YOU REMEMBERED?
NO WAY.

SO DID YOU WATCH THE FOOTAGE
OF SASHA AND JORDAN?

- IT MADE ME FEEL SMALL.
- WELL, WE'RE NOT THEM.

BUT LOOK AT IT LIKE WE'RE
A DIFFERENT INTERPRETATION--

THE EVERYMAN'S VERSION.

[ New York accent ]
WE ARE THE STREET VERSION
OF FRED AND GINGER.

- SOUNDS GOOD.
- NOW THE FOUNDATION
IS JUST WALTZ.

WE CAN WALTZ.
BUT I WANT TO START
WITH SOMETHING KIND OF FLASHY

BEFORE WE ACTUALLY DANCE
TOGETHER, IS THAT OKAY?

- YOU LEAD, I'LL FOLLOW.
- I'M GONNA START WITH
MY BACK TO YOU.

AND I'M GONNA HAVE A FLOWER
AND I'M GONNA SMELL IT.

LIKE THAT.

THEN I'LL TURN
AND SEE YOU AND I'LL
TOSS THE FLOWER AWAY.

THEN I'LL STEP, HOP,
STEP, HOP HOP,

STEP, TURN-- WHOA.

I SHOULD INCLUDE "GET DIZZY"
AT THE END OF THAT 'CAUSE
I'M FREAKIN' DIZZY.

- YOU SHOULD
DEFINITELY TURN LESS.
- FOR SURE.

SO AFTER THE INTRO

AND I'VE TURNED LESS,

WE'RE WALTZING,

WE'RE WALTZING.
AND ARE YOU READY?

- FOR WHAT?
- A DIP!

WE GOTTA GIVE 'EM
A DIP OR TWO.

- WE CAN DO DIPS, RIGHT?
- DEFINITELY.

SO WHEN DID I SAY
I LIKED CEL-REY TONIC?
WAS IT REALLY TWO YEARS AGO?

YOU WERE TALKING TO GINNY.
SCHOOL JUST GOT OUT,

SO IT MUST HAVE BEEN JUNE.
YOU WERE WEARING PINK SHOES.

I STILL HAVE THOSE SHOES.

- SHALL WE CONTINUE?
- AS LONG AS YOU WANT.

[ instrumental music playing ]

[ phone ringing ]

- HELLO?
- Man: I cut the joke.

- CONOR?
- YEAH. I CUT THE JOKE
YOU DIDN'T LAUGH AT.

IT WAS A MIRACLE CUT.

- OH STOP.
- No, I'm not kidding.

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE
MAGICAL LITTLE CHANGES THAT
OPENED THE WHOLE SCENE UP.

NOW THE CATALINA CHARACTER
SEEMS LESS LIKE A DOLT,

I HAVE RUSSELL EXITING SOONER.
THE SCENE JUST FLIES NOW.

WOW.
MAYBE I MISSED MY CALLING.

- YOU WANT TO COME DOWN
AND SEE IT?
- SEE WHAT?

KNOTT'S BERRY FARM.
THE PLAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- TONIGHT?
- TONIGHT. WE'LL WATCH,
WE'LL MARVEL,

- WE'LL GRAB A BITE AFTER.
- SURE.

- I'LL BE THERE.
- GREAT.

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW WHEN
I'D BEEN IN L.A. TOO LONG?

- HOW?
- I'M STARTING TO LIKE IT.

- THERE MIGHT
BE OTHER REASONS.
- SEE YOU TONIGHT.

SEE YOU TONIGHT.

Actress:
RUSSELL, WHAT SHOULD
I TELL THE POLICE

IF THEY COME
SNIFFING AROUND?

AND THEN WHAT SHALL
I TELL Y'ALL?

- Russell: DID YOU
JUST SAY "Y'ALL"?
- DAMN STRAIGHT.

- CATALINA, IS IT WORTH...
- [ groans ]

- BEAT ME WITH A CROWBAR.
- WHY IS HE STEPPING
ON EVERY LINE?

I TOLD HIM TO JUMP ON
HIS CUES, NOT MUG THEM.

- YOU GOTTA PUT THAT JOKE BACK.
- THEY WOULD KILL ME IF I
PUT THAT JOKE BACK.

- YOU NEED SOME FUNNY IN HERE.
- I SWEAR IT WORKED LAST NIGHT.

- AND THIS AUDIENCE--
DEAD, RIGHT?
- COMATOSE.

- [ rattles ]
- [ unison ] OHHH!

- HE CAN'T OPEN A DOOR.
- IT'S STICKING ON HIM.

- THAT'S SETS, RIGHT?
WE'VE GOTTA GET SETS ON IT.
- I GOT IT.

- I GOT IT.
- I GOT IT.

- SO YOU WERE AN ACTOR.
- I WAS.

- I BET YOU WERE GOOD.
- I WAS.

- THAT SOUNDED ARROGANT.
- THEATER?

A LOT OF THEATER.
TOO MUCH THEATER.

- MY FEET HURT JUST
THINKING ABOUT IT.
- JUST THEATER? NO TV?

NO, I DID SOME TV.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT
I NEVER GOT?

- "LAW & ORDER."
- I THOUGHT EVERY NEW YORK
ACTOR'S BEEN ON "LAW & ORDER."

NOT ME. AND I WENT UP
FOR ALL OF THEM:

THE MOTHERSHIP,
"S.V.U.," "CRIMINAL INTENT,"
PARENTAL NEGLECT,

SPECIAL WEIRD GUY UNIT--
NOTHING.

- UNBELIEVABLE.
- I KNOW.

IN THIS WORLD YOU EITHER
LOOK LIKE A RAPIST

OR SOMEONE TRYING
TO CATCH A RAPIST.

HOW DID I FALL BETWEEN
THOSE TWO CATEGORIES?

I SAY WEAR IT AS A BADGE
OF HONOR. YOU'RE THE GUY
WHO NEVER GOT ON "LAW & ORDER"

- DESPITE COUNTLESS ATTEMPTS.
- WHAT ABOUT YOU?

- DID YOU EVER ACT?
- A LITTLE.

I WAS IN A FEMININE
PRODUCT COMMERCIAL.

- OH, THIS I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT.
- "IT'S GOT WINGS!"

- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
- MY LINE.

THAT'S GLORIOUS!

- AND IT WAS
AFTER I DID A SOMERSAULT.
- WHY WERE YOU SOMERSAULTING?

THERE WERE A BUNCH OF US
IN A GRASSY FIELD.

WE WERE ALL SUPPOSED
TO BE BLOOMING

OR PHOTOSYNTHESIZING
OR SOMETHING.

PLEASE TELL ME
THERE'S A COPY OF THIS.

THERE MAY BE A SCREENING
IN THE FUTURE

IF YOU PLAY
YOUR CARDS RIGHT.

YOU KNOW I WAS NERVOUS
WHEN I CALLED YOU.

- YOU DIDN'T SOUND NERVOUS.
- I UTILIZED MY ACTING SKILLS.

VERY IMPRESSIVE.

- I'M GLAD YOU CALLED.
- YEAH, ME TOO.

IT'S BEEN AWHILE FOR ME--
DOING THIS.

- SLEEPING WITH A DIRECTOR?
- WITH ANYBODY.

- SAME HERE.
- QUITE AWHILE.

- ARE WE TALKING YEARS?
- NO, BUT AWHILE.

MONTHS, NOT SINCE--

- NOT SINCE?
- SINCE...

OOOH, OH MY GOD.

- OH...
- WHOA WHOA WHOA,
ARE YOU CRYING?

- WHAT IS THIS?
- I DON'T KNOW.

- WHAT IS HAPPENING?
- I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DID I DO?
WHAT DID I SAY?

- HOW CAN I UNSAY IT?
- I WAS NOT ANTICIPATING THIS.

ME NEITHER.

- THIS WAS GOING SO WELL.
- IT WAS.

HOW CAN I REVERSE IT?
I MEAN, WHAT CAN I DO?
MAKE YOU LAUGH, WHAT?

- SURE.
- OKAY LOOK, THERE'S NOT ENOUGH
ROOM FOR THE SOMERSAULTING,

- BUT-- "IT'S GOT WINGS!"
- [ sobbing ]

- OH, THAT DID
NOT GO WELL AT ALL.
- WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU WERE
JUST SAYING YOU HADN'T BEEN
WITH ANYONE SINCE...

- HUBBELL.
- HUBBELL, OKAY.

THAT'S YOUR ROSEBUD
OR YOUR VERY LARGE TELESCOPE.

- HUBBELL.
POOR HUBBELL, HE'S GONE.
- WHERE DID HE GO?

OH, HE IS NOT WITH US
ANY LONGER.

- HE'S NOT. HE'S GONE.
- I'M SORRY.

NO, IT'S--
IT'S DOING THIS,

THE LAST TIME WAS
WITH HIM AND THEN HE DIED
AND NOW IT'S ALL WELLING UP.

- BOYFRIEND?
- HUSBAND.

- WOW.
- I WAS IN SHOCK.

I'D NEVER BEEN IN SHOCK.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
I WAS IN SHOCK.

AND THEN I WAS
DEALING WITH HIS MOTHER
AND SHE WAS IN SHOCK

THEN I INHERITED ALL HIS STUFF AND I HAD ALL THIS PAPERWORK

AND I GUESS IT ALL
MUST HAVE GOTTEN BURIED
AND NOW HERE IT IS.

- I'LL SAY IT'S HERE.
- I'M SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.

NO NO NO, IT'S--
THIS IS GOOD.

THIS IS WHAT WE TRY
TO WRITE AND WHAT WE
TRY TO CONVEY

AND, WOW,
ARE YOU CONVEYING IT
RIGHT HERE,

- RIGHT NOW.
- IT'S NOT NICE TO THE GUY
TO CRY AFTER SEX.

- WELL, IT'S DIFFERENT,
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
- POOR HUBBELL.

I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL BAD
FOR THE GUY.

HE WAS A GOOD GUY,
A GOOD MAN.
I SHOULD GO.

NO NO NO NO-- STAY HERE
AS LONG AS YOU WANT.

THANK YOU.
I'M SO SORRY,
I AM SO SORRY.

NO, IT'S OKAY.

- OH!
- WHAT?

THINK ABOUT HAVING
THE TONY CHARACTER

SPILL SOMETHING AT DINNER
AT ACT TWO

SO HIS CLUMSINESS DOESN'T
COME OUT OF THE BLUE
AT THE END.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

NO, THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

- MICHAEL, STOP.
- STOP WHAT?

YOU DO ALL THE COOKING,
LET ME CLEAN UP.
THAT WAS THE DEAL.

- I'M JUST TRYING
TO EXPEDITE THINGS HERE.
- GIVE ME THAT.

OKAY, I'M JUST WARNING YOU,

IF I SIT ON THAT COUCH
OUT THERE,

- I'M GONNA FALL ASLEEP.
- THEN STAY IN HERE WITH ME.

- YOU'LL LET ME DO THAT.
- I WILL LET YOU DO THAT.

THEN I'LL HELP YOU DRY.

SO...

HOW LONG WERE YOU
PLANNING ON STAYING?

I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE A WEEK?

I SHOULD CHECK WITH MY MANAGER.
SEE IF I GOT BOOKINGS.

I HATE TALKING
TO MY MANAGER.

I KNOW.

- SO WHY WERE YOU ASKING?
- I WAS THINKING,

MAYBE THIS TIME...

DON'T RUSH OFF.

I WASN'T GONNA RUSH OFF.

GOOD.

STAY-- AS LONG AS YOU WANT.

AS LONG AS YOU CAN.

- YOU'RE NOT GONNA
GET SICK OF ME?
- [ chuckles ] NO.

I MISS YOU.

THEN I'LL STAY
AS LONG AS I CAN.

- GOOD.
- GOOD.

- WOW, GLAMOROUS.
- IT FEELS A LITTLE TIGHT.

WELL, IF IT RIPS,
PRETEND IT'S A PART
OF THE ACT.

- WHERE'S YOUR PARTNER?
- OVER THERE.

- Ginny: HE LOOKS RIDICULOUS.
- LIKE AN ORGAN GRINDER'S
MONKEY.

- HE DOESN'T LOOK THAT BAD.
- HE'S NO JORDAN.

TELL ME HE'S NOT GOING
TO WEAR A TOP HAT.

IT KEPT FALLING OFF
IN REHEARSAL.

- MIND IF I SIT IN?
- NO, PLEASE.

- MICHAEL'S SITTING IN TOO.
- GREAT.

SO...

WHAT IS IT?
I'M ALREADY BEHIND.

NOTHING, I JUST--

I JUST WAS THINKING
ABOUT HUBBELL LAST NIGHT.

- HUBBELL?
- YEAH.

AND I JUST THOUGHT
THAT I'D TELL YOU.

THANK YOU.

SO I'LL SEE YOU AFTER.

- HEY, MICHAEL.
- HEY, MICHELLE.

- MISSED YOU AT KINKY BREAKFAST.
- WILL YOU STOP?

KINKY BREAKFAST
IS JUST NOT KINKY
BREAKFAST WITHOUT YOU.

- I SAID IT ONCE.
- AND IT WILL LIVE FOREVER.

[ jazz music playing ]

THIS TIE
IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

- YOU LOOK
VERY DASHING THOUGH.
- THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW TONIGHT,
YOU SHOULD COME OVER AND WATCH
"THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT" WITH ME.

I'D LOAN IT TO YOU,
BUT IT'S MY MOM'S
AND SHE'S NOT INTO LOANING.

- I'LL WHIP US UP
A LASAGNA FOR DINNER.
- YOU CAN WHIP UP LASAGNA?

FROM SCRATCH.
MY GRANDMOTHER TAUGHT ME.

HOW A LIFE-LONG JEW
LEARNED HOW TO MAKE A KILLER
LASAGNA, I DON'T KNOW,

BUT SHE TAUGHT ME
AND IT IS THE BEST.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
TONIGHT, 6:30?

QUICK ANSWER
FOR YOU, CARL-- NO.

- YEAH, COME ON,
DUDE, GET A CLUE.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

SHE'S NOT YOUR
FRICKIN' GIRLFRIEND.
SHE'S YOUR DANCE PARTNER,

WHICH MEANS SHE'S NOT GOING
TO COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE
FOR YOUR SAD LASAGNA.

BOO, STEP IN HERE.
YOU DON'T EVEN
LIKE LASAGNA.

THE CHEESE DOES SOMETHING
BAD TO MY STOMACH.

SEE? NO LOSER LASAGNA
TONIGHT.

YEAH SURE.

SORRY, BOO.

- IDIOT.
- THEY JUST GET DUMBER
EVERY YEAR.

BREAK A LEG.

Fanny:
OKAY, EVERYBODY. THIS IS
A LOOSE DRESS REHEARSAL.

DON'T BE AFRAID
TO MAKE MISTAKES.

WE'LL START
WITH FRED AND GINGER,
THEN IT'S "ON THE TOWN"

AND "FIREBIRD."
SO ANYONE WHO'S NOT
PLAYING FRED AND GINGER

SHOULD BE OFF THE FLOOR.

SASHA!

COME OVER HERE RIGHT NOW.

- I'M FINE WHERE I AM.
- SASHA!

WHOA WHOA, HONEY,
THIS IS FANNY'S WORLD.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
YOU CAN SASHAY IN HERE
LIKE THIS,

- YOUR HAIR RUINED--
- IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, FANNY.

IN HERE
IT IS ALL ABOUT ME.

IT'S MY HAIR.
I'LL DO WHATEVER
I WANT WITH IT.

- NO.
- YES!

NO! YOU ALREADY GOT
ONE WARNING--

YOU CAN'T TELL US
HOW TO LIVE EVERY STUPID
MOMENT OF OUR LIVES.

- NO! I'M TALKING,
- IT'S NOT FAIR!

- I'M TALKING!
- I GET TO TALK TOO!

YOU ALREADY GOT ONE WARNING,
AND TO COME IN HERE
LIKE THIS--

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE
SICK OF ALL YOUR STUPID
RULES! WE ALL ARE!

- WE CAN'T EVEN GO SWIMMING?
- STOP RIGHT NOW, STOP!

- I DON'T NEED THIS!
- OH REALLY?

NO! I'M GOING OUT
FOR CHEERLEADING
AND I CAN'T DO BOTH.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

YOU CAN'T DO BOTH.

CHEERLEADING AND BALLET.

GET OUT.

- WHAT ABOUT SHOW SEASON?
- SHH!

BOO, CARL, DANCE!

[ waltz music playing ]