All language subtitles for United.We.Fall.2014.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

[crowd cheering in distance]

[Strauss -
'Thus spoke Zarathustra']

[fanfare builds]

[crowd cheering in distance]

[music resumes]

[crowd cheering in distance]

[music fades]

I played for the best team
in the world.

I played for the best
football team in the world.

I played for the best
football team in the world.

I played for United.
Best team in the world.

I used to play
for Manchester United,

probably the greatest team
in England.

I was supporting Bayern Munich,

and they are the best team
in the world,

they're the biggest club
in the world.

[clears his throat]
Well, now, that's-- Ok, I mean--

We were talking
about the biggest--

Yeah, the biggest club
in the world.

But, you know, we've got
the biggest stadium.

-No you haven't.
-We've...

No, you don't.

You don't, I mean,
technically you don't.

It's what, 70 thousand people,
or something like that?

Yeah, but what I'm trying
to get, what--

This is how we get
a man sent off.

[all swearing
and shouting indistinctly]

I was born in a place
called Wythenshawe,

in Manchester, it's
like a little working class,

sort of a counsel estate
of South Manchester.

That's where I grew up,
realized that my mom knackered

you know, the two bedroom flat.

Old Trafford's
just down the road

but we never go in,
we couldn't afford,

we didn't have
the money to go in,

or we just,
we'd hang outside...

And just anybody parking a car

we'd go, "I'll look
after your car, Mister."

And then they'd go,
"Ah, yeah son, here's a quid."

And then you'd go,
"No, I want a fucking fiver."

Then we used to play football
in fields, you know,

we'd show up at a park

and it would be
football, cricket and...

when there was no lads about,
I used to skip with the girls.

I was really good at skipping.

...our celebrities...

You have got good celebrities?

-We've got--
-How about Franz Beckenbauer?

He's Der Kaiser come on!

Come on again, what is this?

-Uhh--
-You're making me laugh now.

-Mick Hucknall--
-Who is that?

-What is Mick Hucknall?
-"Holding Back the Years"--

He's holding back
someone's ears?

A bit of a shy kid, really,

I never really fitted in,
I was a bit small for my age.

[soft playful music]

Just, you know, fix that in CGI.

[Olly] Didn't really say mu--
I didn't speak

until I was
three and a half years old.

So, I don't know, I think maybe
my mom and dad thought I was...

you know, not stupid,
but like, simple.

[all cheering playfully]

[players' background chatter]

[indistinct chatter]

[player]
So where's the meal at, Olly?

-What?
-[player] Where's the meal?

Ah, we're doing it at my house.

Yeah, you guys go-- it's lovely.
Seriously, you'll love it.

-[player] Yeah?
-Yeah. You'll see,

Arina is going to pile
a nice spread,

we're going to go Japanese...

When I was ten years old I was
in the park with Becky Foster,

and I had a ball on me
and I said to her,

"If I can kick it
and I can hit the swings,

you have to give me a kiss."
Yeah, well, when we were 13

I did the exact same thing,
she let me finger her.

[grunting]

[grunting and panting]

And then camera, camera, camera,

and now that's just the bit
where you sell it,

'cause you can't just get off

and like, run straight
back into the game,

you've got to keep selling it,

so it's, [moaning]
"Ah! Pain, pain, pain.

Never going to play again,
never going to play again.

[continues moaning] Yeah,
alright, I'm going to play.

Yeah..." Get up and limp,
limp for a bit,

still got the camera,
still got the camera,

Gaff's not watching,
limp it off, limp it off,

and then... and then
you're back in the game!

And then you just,
you're on the run again.

...and my name is Fallis,

which I didn't really
get the joke for a long time,

and so it didn't really
bother me,

people would say, "Here, Fallis,
you're a phallus," and stuff,

and I'd be like, "I am, my dad's
a Fallis, my mom's a Fallis,

and my whole family are
Fallises. What's your point?"

Lesson one: simple yellow.

[soft music]

Lesson two:
a straight forward red.

[Stevo] But then when I realized
what it meant, I just

fucking broke this kid's leg.

[loud crash]

My dad, well, my dad gave me
my starting life,

my dad gave me my upbringing,

he gave me...
put the food on my table,

he gave me that table,

gave me the chair
to put around the table,

he gave me the floor
to put the table on,

he gave us the shoes on my feet.

I first got into football...

to be honest,
through table football.

And I wanted to be a pro
for a while.

[Stevo] Happy to see... Goal!
No exceptions. That's one-nil.

[metallic bang]
Goal! Two-nil.

[Stevo] Go! Go!

I scored a bundle out there,
I'll score that straight away.

Then you've got to sometimes
score with other players,

and sometimes I'll pull around
the other side

and that's going to go on
with both teams at once,

otherwise it's just
not fast enough,

so I'm going to score
over there,

and this round over here,

[indistinct] and that's
how you finish it up.

I got spotted by Sunderland.

Your parents... you could
have come and live here.

You could have moved to Germany.

Why would I want--

-Yeah, but there's not United--
-But that's what I'm saying.

You could have moved
to Bayern Munich why not?

-Why didn't you and your family?
-Because I support United!

I met my wife Gertie
when I was about six years old,

and the two of us were in school

and she would sit
on the desk next to me,

I would give her my school lunch

and she would give me
all the answers for the test.

Hot hands. Like, magic hands.
She's great.

I knew this
when I was very young,

because one time in class
she put her hand on my knee,

and I got a little erection.

Yeah, I like to practice
my saves after training

when the lads have gone in.

On my own,
without the ball, of course.

[upbeat music]
[grunts softly]

Good! Yup!
[grunts]

[speaks German]
[upbeat music continues]

Give up!
[grunts]

My best friend, the post.

[shouting] Scheiße !

[rubber boat engine]
[laid back music]

[background waves]

My name is Farhad Frank Farougi.

I think my experience
over 20 years

of being a footballer

has given me an insight
into the spirit,

into the character,
into the make-up,

into the goddamned fabric

of what makes
the modern footballer.

In many ways,
I have the complete toolkit

to promote football.

Because I know football.
I know the footballers' mind.

A Lotus Esprit. And a Bentley.

Porsche.

For me, it can't be the Mondeo,
just for the fuel economy,

and the looks.

Danny is like
this stalwart Northerner,

and I don't know, that maybe
caused some friction between us,

or he didn't instantly like me
as much as the other lads,

but he grew to like me
and stuff, you know,

he did warm up to me, over time.

Posh boy, capitalist,
fuck-up, pig.

It's not that I'm posh,
it's that he's Northern.

The North,
especially the North-West,

is hugely important and divisive
issue of this country.

These are people with very real
and genuine concerns,

that must be addressed
and listened to.

And, as a party,
as the listening party,

we set out to do that.

Have I been to the North-West?
Not yet.

Listen, I'm not,
I'm not knocking the place,

I got to play football,
I was doing what I love,

and you know,

I had some brilliant nights out
there with the lads and stuff,

but would I choose
to live there? No.

Do I live there? No.

Did I try and get out of there
every chance I've got? Yes.

And very soon,
we're going to have

a party conference out there,
I think in Leeds,

which is close to Manchester.

It's like a fat bird,
but big tits, been all,

"Oh, look at my tits,"
but you're like,

"Well, you're fat,
that's all KFC."

-I support United.
-I know that.

-That's what I'm saying.
-I know you're saying that.

But then you should
support United as well--

-Oh my God.
-If you're a player for United--

-No look--
-[muffles groans]

For about four, five years
I was working at United,

I was responsible
for fixing up events,

sorting out
various press launches,

sponsorship deals,

private parties...
you name it, I did it.

I was playing for the first team

and I was approached
by a company

about doing a line of condoms.

They already made it,
but what they wanted to do

was have my face
on the packaging,

and then,
on the actual condom itself.

His face is on the nib,
you know, the tip,

you know, the little bit
that goes "whrip."

Just on the top,
and his face is just there.

Just right on the top,
with his number as well...

where it belonged.

Obviously if he's
not that well-endowed,

my face would be a bit...
like that,

but if he's
a particularly big fella,

I'd be like--

[loud chatter and laughter]

Would you stop [indistinct]?
Stop!

-Ah! Fuck off!
-[laughing]

[shouting indistinctly
at each other]

It's funny when you're not used
to having that much money,

and you don't quite know
what to do with it, so,

you know, for a lot of the time

I was hiding it in socks,
in shoes,

you know, under my bed,
in the oven and stuff.

"Frank, in the 23rd minute
of this game

I want you
to get the yellow card.

For that, I will pay you
50 thousand Euros."

For one second's work?
Are you kidding me?

For one second's work,
50 thousand Euros?

[exulting] Come on!

Did I do it?

I can't say. Was I tempted? Yes!

I would never ever, ever go
for the goalies.

Just the center-forwards,
because they got paid more.

Never going to be a goalie.

Of course I wanted to be
a center-forward,

everybody wants to score goals,
right? Right?

[Kurt] I didn't want
to be in goal,

I thought it was the fat kid,

or the rubbish kid
that goes in goal.

But over time, no,

it is the greatest position
on the pitch.

[soft epic music]
[soft thud]

He's got a bit of an obsession
at the moment,

of going wind-diving.

I think that you have
to understand what is danger.

[Kurt] Jumping out of a plane,
actually that is quite fun.

[uplifting music]

[Kurt] For me,

jumping into the sea
with a dangerous fish

that is quite fun.

Telling my father
that I love him...

And then, you know, she gets
into the birth-freaking-pool,

and then she starts the, what--
the contractions and stuff...

Did you have a good experience
making that, I quite liked it.

Getting your sort of feedback
on the company,

because they've actually
approached me,

they want to do a DVD
about me having a shit.

[all laughing]

[Stevo] They're going to
probably release that,

like double DVD,
with your Mrs.

Right. Danny, go!

[all shouting
and joking indistinctly]

Branded balls.

This as well,
it says "Olly Hunter."

-That's my brand, OH Balls.

Olly, do you get these free
with your DVDs

or do you have
to give birth as well?

[laughing] A bit like this.

[all laughing]

Yeah, you laugh all you want,
this makes me a lot of money.

You're lucky you've got
such great initials,

I mean, my initials are "KKK",
I can't stick that on anything.

Why?

But, you just can't.

You could brand that, "KKK".

No, you can't,
you can't brand that.

When I arrived at United,
there is all this initiation.

I was like,
"I'm from a foreign place,

please be nice."
But you were not nice.

No, with that we thought we
would be especially not nice

because you were foreign.

-I mean, it wasn't, you know--
-Not because I was German.

No, no, nothing to do
with you being German

or winning World Cups
or anything--

Danny, he says,
"Ok, you get in this locker,

you have got a chocolate bar

and a magazine," which is
for tool station or something,

you know, tools,

and then,
"Goodbye," they lock it.

And I think, "Right,
they're going to leave me

in the locker for 20 minutes
or something."

Yeah, we buried him.
We buried Kurtz.

And then I'm lying on my back,

and people
are chucking something

on the roof of the box.
[emulates sound of falling soil]

I'm thinking, "Christ,
they are burying me alive."

Your fingers
came out of the box,

your little fingers,

and we were there, we were just
like, "Fucking fingers in."

And by four hours' time
I was running out of air.

Fucking brilliant.

I didn't think they would
kill me on the first day.

Two thousand and ten, January,

it was about a bad accident,
Olly Hunter's--

you know,
I was involved in that,

we were just doing
dribbling skills...

I think what it was, was maybe
I was a bit too fast for Stevo.

He was like a cannon ball,
right through Olly.

I've taken out a standing foot,

so, come down the back
there is the Achilles' tendon.

You know, that injury
took me out for four months.

You've hurt
your mate physically...

Yeah, the lads
were all good to me,

you know, they realized
it was an accident and stuff.

It's funny, you know,
when he went in and his ankle

was all flapping about,
that was quite, quite funny.

What the hell am I supposed
to do for four months?

I'm only supposed to be going in
for physio twice a week,

to have rehabilitation.

The thing is, you know,
you're-- you want to play,

you get creative,
but there are things

that you can do.

You know, I bought a yacht,

don't use that anymore,
I got helicopter lessons,

I made a film,

I was sort of running out
of ideas but, as it happens,

you know,
life handed me some olives.

That's when the branding deal
came in for OH,

I was approached to do
my own range of underpants

and hence, OH, that stands
for Olly Hunter, by the way.

OH was born, and that has been
my bread and butter ever since.

I mean, I was being
the making of me.

And so, we had
to bring in a player.

When I was little,

my uncle Kofi
would throw a head at me.

But when he was throwing
his zebra's head at me,

I used to kick it.

I used to kick it
just to stop it hitting me.

And he'd put a bucket over,
next to him,

and he said, "Kwasi, Kwasi, try
and hit the head in the bucket."

This is something
I learnt in Ghana.

[soft tribal music]

When Modo first arrived,

he had
some strange thing going on

with his uncle, I think,
who is his manager.

His uncle Kofi.

But he left me to find
somewhere to live on my own.

So I don't know
what I'm going to do.

So I said that he can
move in with me,

'cause he doesn't want
to be living on the street.

He said that he had a car
for a bed, in his house.

So when I went to bed,
it was in a car.

Look, I'm not a landlord,

I don't know
what to charge someone.

E-he!

I was happy to have him
living with me,

we've made a proper good pair.

And I arranged to have
an amount of money

that would go to Stevo
for rent every week.

Forty-five thousand pound
a week.

It was a good time living there.

But that included bills.

And an en-suite.
And lifts to training.

Footballers cheat.
They all cheat.

And they all get away with it.

Then sometimes,
that thing that Olly used to do,

make it his mission,

-if I'm talking to a girl,
-Cock block you?

Cock blocked me.

Sometimes, he would
go out to the shop

to buy some cereal
or some milk,

and he would come back
with two, three women.

All I was doing was

going to get a couple of oranges
and a tin of fish.

I'd only been out the door,

and he's come back
with three women on his arm,

he's going straight upstairs,

don't see him for two hours,

next thing, they're out again.

Two hours later he says
he needs more milk.

If you play in a football team
in this country,

they just
throw themselves at you.

Well, listen,
we've all got nicknames.

Kwasi comes in,
we've got to give him one.

So I suggested,
"Why not call him 'Modo'?"

They call me Kwasi "Modo,"

so I thought that would be
a good rap name.

Oh, he was making
his World Cup song for Ghana.

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana
Jump in the air for Ghana ♪

He's hilarious.

Call-girls, strippers, models...

♪ Holla holla jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Make some big noise
For the black stars ♪

♪ Tra-ma-nam and hey
Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana
Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana
Jump in the air for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana
Jump for Ghana ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana
Jump in the air for-- ♪

Manchester United's attempt
to win the treble one in 2010,

is vital.

We have three games left
in which we could make history.

You have to remember

that when we took over
the reins of government,

this country was on its knees.

You know, my clients,
they wanted to invest

in something
that would make them money,

something that would enhance
their global status.

So 2010 when Manchester United,
MUFC Football Club,

when they were going
for the treble,

this was music to their ears.

This is dollar signs,
this is pound signs!

[commentator]
It is the final day

of the Premier League!

We've got United and City
[indistinct].

Who will be
crowned champions today?

We are at Burnley away

and City
were playing Sunderland.

When it came down
to the last day of the season,

I didn't want
to take any chances,

so I've given
all of the Sunderland players

ten thousand pound each,

just to make sure
that they'd really try.

To have a pre-match routine,
I start, you know,

with just a base.

Some people listen to music,
some people do their crosswords,

some think that out,
but we used to play cards...

...a restoring serum,

that's going to help me,
you know,

regenerate
and make my eyes sparkle...

And then we thought,
"Why don't we play Top Trumps ?"

Serial killer Top Trumps.

I would dance to techno music.

♪ Ghana Ghana feel the beat
Move your body in the street ♪

Fred West was
the highest score on that.

I disagree with that, I said,
"No, Shipman beats West,

'cause it surely
is about volume."

As a player I tend to find

that my hair would just
fly back in the wind anyway.

Some people call it
an ambassador,

some people call it
"Mr. Fix It,"

some people call it agent,

what is this name?
It means nothing to me.

I am Mr. Football,
I bring people together,

I make this happen.

The first sort of quarter
of an hour, forty minutes,

they said the Italian striker--

[TV] ...Giannelli is there
to pick it up and kick,

and has taken him down.

The thing is
I warned him before about this,

he was wearing gloves
in January, and it was May.

He gets angry even just

walking past H&M,
seeing them in the window.

I thought, "No,
I'm not having it,

you're not wearing that
on my pitch."

It chopped him.

The ref awarded
a penalty for that.

We actually have a saying,
in the changing room at United,

it's like, "Penalty to them,
goal kick to us."

Someone gets a penalty
against us,

it doesn't even matter.

[TV] Ok, so Giannelli
is stepping forward,

he's running up, he's gone to
the left and Kurtz has saved it.

Yes! Yes, of course, why not?

Of course you would have
a system for saving penalties,

if you are
a goalkeeper worth your salt.

-Right.
-You have psychopathic powers--

That is the post of the goal.

Ok? That is the other post.

[Kurt]
I want you to make a decision

which way you're going
to put your penalty.

Ok?

Now, you're making a decision
in your mind, right now,

which side of the goal
that you're going to go.

[Stevo] Should I--

Or will you put it
down the middle?

-I know, I know that.
-[Kurt] Right?

And so, I'm now thinking
to myself, using my formula,

and I know
where you're putting it.

Did you make your mind up?

-[Stevo] I've made my mind up.
- You're going this way.

-[Stevo] Am I going high or low?
-You're going low.

[Stevo] How the fuck
did you know that?

I am going--
I was going right there.

[Stevo] I was going
to put it right there,

where your thumb is, there.

[Kurt] I cannot tell you
exactly how it works,

I could, but it is a secret.

Kurtzie saved it, so,
you know, we were still in.

We were still in the game
and City still hadn't scored.

They've given away a free kick.

Twenty-two yards out,
just a little left of the dig...

He had the wall
in front of him...

He had put the ball down,
stood on at an angle...

I run up, I run in
and I've hit it...

Bang! Knocks it
and the wall's jumped...

Whole wall's gone up...

...and he's missed it,
hence what's happened

he's gone
straight underneath the wall.

[crowd cheering]

It was one of the best goals
in my career.

He scuffed that. He scuffed it.

Well, Stevo is a knob,

and he doesn't know
anything about football.

One-nil.

Few minutes later,
another free kick,

outside the area,
this time it's more central...

So this time,
the wall has wised up...

We keep thinking,
"What is he going to do now?"

And then it occurred to me,

"Wait, if I'm thinking
I'm not gonna go under the wall,

and they're thinking I'm
not gonna go under the wall,

who is thinking
I'm gonna go under the wall?"

And then I realized, "It is me."

Then he psyched himself out,
and he's thought,

"I'd better just be safe
and put it in the top corner."

I run it, and I've hit it,

but instead of going "ah",
I've gone "Huh!".

[commentator] He's done it
again, I can't believe it,

he's gone under the wall!

And I'm like that.

I'm looking at the fans,

and I know
what they're thinking,

"Yes, Olly Hunter is back."

But that's
what he's paid to do,

he's paid to make mistakes,

hoping for them
to be good mistakes.

When we dream at night,
us goalkeepers,

it's that the opposition
have got a corner,

and you run,
and catch and throw.

He threw the ball out to me...

He's done his man
straight away...

I saw Stevo at the wing,

so, I crossed it over to him
through the channel...

I've seen Olly there,
we've linked up nice--

I've taken a shot on the volley,

bang, it's going in,
it's going in...

Then he hit the back of my head
and he went in the goal.

Basically a carving copy

of his goal against West Ham
from earlier in the season.

-What a striker!
-[commentator] It's a goal!

[commentator and crowd cheering]

He will score with every part
of his body, except his feet.

It's half time,
we're in the dressing room,

you know,

City have drawn nil-nil
with Sunderland,

we're three-nil up...

That's it,
it's in the bag, isn't it?

No, we're on the beach, lads.

News from the city is
that it's nil-nil over there.

We're home and dry.

We got back
into the change room,

it's party atmosphere.

Olly got some Champagne
knocking about, didn't he?

So he got that out,

I had a bit of cake
that my mom had made me...

...with a little candle on it,
saying "Champions"...

They were eating
this pink fluffy cake...

We got carried away,
and then this bloke comes in,

starts ranting and raving,
and everything, I don't know,

I'm just-- Yeah, and we've got--
It was the gaff, to be honest.

Never seen him blue like that,

he's given us
the hair straightener treatment,

big time.

And he gave us
the hair treatment.

It was unbelievable
how cross he was.

You are celebrating, you haven't
even finished the game yet.

I didn't celebrate.
Why would you celebrate?

I knew,

I knew if they were to succeed,
the price would go up.

They're putting the pressure on,
they've got a corner.

It was a corner,

and the strikers come back
to defend the corner,

as you know,
and they can't do it very well.

And so when the ball came
and I called, "Keeper, ball,"

and I went to punch,

Modo went to head it,
and I punched him in the face.

I was going
for the half way line,

so I punched him really hard,

and he was seeing birds
and stars and stuff. [giggles]

And he's gone down,
he's injured.

Fair enough, it's fine,

they've got medics over,
they looked at him.

Meanwhile the ball
has gone out for a corner,

so they go set it up again.

Alas, Modo is on the floor,

getting attention, Stevo is
tying his shoelaces to go--

So then the second corner
comes into the box.

Modo is defending the back post.

Modo has called,
like proper confident,

like, he's gone,
"It's mine, it's mine!"

And he's--
[laughs] He's leapt in the air.

And it's coming to him,

he should be able to clear it,
he's gone up...

...and he's like-- [laughs]
The look on his face,

like his eyes
popping out of his head,

and you just see him go,
"Ohi, ooh."

[laughs] That dirty bastard!

And it's a goal.

It was only one goal.

They scored, three-one.

Now, any other day,
any other time,

that'd be the funniest
fucking thing in the world.

No, it wasn't funny!

I challenge anyone
to say that that is funny.

You know, we weren't really
asked about it,

because we were still winning.

You should be insulted
if you concede a goal.

The whistle blew.

And I've turned around
and I've gone like that

to our fans, and it's great,

and I've turned around
to give a bit of attitude

to the Burnley fans
and then they started to cheer.

[commentator and crowd cheering
in the background]

Yeah, at the end of the game

we hear
the Burnley supporters cheering,

and I know that we've lost.

Because even though we've won,
City have won five-nil,

and we've lost
on goal difference.

When they lost,

that was fantastic.

The price went down.

Did I lose? No.

I'm on a fix commission.

If you get paid to do a job,
you do a job.

And that's why
I've given them the money.

Do you know what I mean?

It wasn't a question of,
I give you ten grand

and you try to win.
It was, I give you ten grand,

and you've got to win.

He would go into the reserves,

he would never play
for the first team again.

That's like saying
that I give you ten grand

to teach me to play the drums

and then you turn up
at my house with a ukulele.

We put him on the subs bench,
he'd warm up, he'd come on?

No! He'd stay on the bench.

What's the point in that?

I don't want to learn
the fucking ukulele.

And then,
at the end of his contract,

having spent two years
warming up, sitting down,

warming up, sitting down,
warming up, sitting down,

we sell him to New Castle.
Bye, bye!

They have won
on the goal difference.

I said to them,
"Why does that matter?"

Why does
the goal difference matter?

Olly's goals were amazing,

my goal was amazing,

so if you are judging
a goal difference,

why did we not win
on the goal difference?

[commentator] They look
devastated, John.

It would have been historic,
but you know, that's football.

They still got the FA Cup,
they still got Europe.

[crowd cheering loudly]

[cheering and singing]

I was feeling pretty low,
you know?

[crowd cheering loudly]

[singing and cheering]

I felt like we
let ourselves down.

Not me so much,

when I say "we"
I mean "we, the team"

and I am part of the team,
but I had scored two goals.

Danke, Stevo.
Danke very much!

This is my pub.

This is my uncle Al.

-Hello Dan.
-Hey... Blue nose bastards...

We shouldn't have
allowed them that space,

they've had to build themselves
a trophy room now,

because of us,
because of your mistake.

Do you understand that?

You know, I mean,
what history did they have?

What--
They never had an accident.

What's the worst thing
that's happened to them?

They had to blow out
on the team coach on the M62.

That's nothing.
You know what I mean?

We've got the history,
we've got the tradition.

It is my pub, though, isn't it?
It's not a blue pub.

I told you, you need to take

all the blue stuff down as well,
I told you about that.

That was, you know,

the chrystalist that was
for what was going to come next.

Everyone started going up to him

putting an arm
around his shoulder,

going, you know,
"It's alright Stevo,

don't worry about it,
it's not your fault.

B̊ut I didn't.

I thought, "Oh,
you're a fucking idiot."

Had a few pints,
got in a couple of scraps,

talked to a couple of trumps,

then we got home
and watched "Cool Runnings."

Me and some of the [team name]
crack heads FC,

we went down to his house,

we got a banner,
we painted on it,

"You're going to die shithead."

we got--
we made an effigy

with his number on the back,

and we set light to it.

We broke into his garden,

we pulled
some of the flowers up.

So, I've not heard anything.

I've not heard anything
that's gone on that night,

and I've just
passed out on the sofa.

We were walking about,
when I thought,

"Alright, lads,
don't do too much damage,

he's a mate."

And then I thought,
"I'm going to go upstairs."

I went to his bedroom,
and I thought,

"Right, I'm going to poop
on his pillow."

And I had a big poop
on his pillow, I killed one off.

And then, you know,
I did a bit of chimping.

It wouldn't have mattered,
I think it's quite funny,

it's the sort of thing-- I do
that sort of thing all the time.

That was it, really.
That was the end of it.

I felt better then.

And when I woke up
in the morning,

I felt like a different man.

Modo's come down the stairs

and he said
that he is converting to Islam.

"I need you to call me
Abdullah Amoako."

And he said, "E-he!
I will do that for you, Modo."

To be honest with you, I've not
ever called him "Abudah,"

I kept on calling him "Modo."

I was happy for him,
but I was also really scared.

Well, I thought,
as long as he stays clear

of suicide-bombing himself
on the pitch, then that's fine.

What about our supporters?

What if you have, like,
Abu Hamza?

What if he started watching us?

You know? And, you know...

expects now we're
going to do a stoning,

at half time, or something?

But I had a chat with Modo,

you know, he gave me
a few leaflets to read,

apparently it's not like that.

They have to be seen,
to be seen.

They have to be
in the paper every week.

We're playing in Cardiff.

The FA Cup final.

And, he's our kid,
plays for them.

A story's appeared in the paper,
before the FA Cup final,

about Danny.

I mean, I've apologized,
I've said sorry to him.

What more does he want?

But the thing is,
what he doesn't realize is,

his Mrs. was
throwing herself at me.

And, you know,

and also his Mrs.'s sister
threw herself at me,

and his Mrs.'s mom as well.

Couldn't believe it.

They're all fucking manic,
I've seen them.

The papers got hold of the story

and you know,
they sort of they spun it

like, you know,
it was a threesome,

and we were all at it
at the same time.

One of them looked like Obelix.

You know, the wife here,
you got the sister here,

where's the mother?

It was the same day,
but it wasn't the same time.

I mean unless you--

In which case,
you're doing this. And...

It was one at a time
and, you know,

when I showered
in between each girl--

Before the FA Cup final,
Olly went off to Cannes.

Celebrities,
there's Cameron Diaz,

there's, you know,
it's a big thing, Jim Carrey...

The Cannes Film Festival, mate?

You've got an FA Cup final
to be getting on with!

I sat at the bar
by myself on the stool,

just not thinking about it,

and then I feel this hand
come on my shoulder...

It is very strict in rules

that a footballer
is not allowed to come

before they have
a big match the next day.

She is number 23
on FA Champs Top 100 list.

Now at this point in my life,
you know,

that age, four years ago,
I-- you know, I've done things

I would made it past the top--
into the top 40.

Not when you are about to play
the FA Cup final, no, no.

No sir, no, thank you.

I was like, "Listen,

I'm staying upstairs,
I've got a room in this hotel,

do you want to come up?"

And she was like,
"No, no, I can't, I can't."

And usually
when a girl says that

it's because it's
that time of the month

or she hasn't shaved her legs,

and I was like,
"Listen, honestly I don't mind."

He got stuck inside her.

Honestly I didn't know
what to think.

I mean, the mind boggles,

that sort of thing, I mean,
and you just think, "How?"

She started threatening him,

so the only way that we had

to get this story
out of the paper,

was that I would have to get her
a part in EastEnders.

You know
that really scrawny girl

that plays
the drug addict now.

[doorbell rings]
[steps]

[door opens]

[all cheering] Alright,
how are you doing?

[Olly] Come on in, come on in!

[Olly] Good to see you mate,
good to see you.

[all greeting indistinctly]

-[Olly] How are you doing?
-Hey!

-Arina.
-Rina?

-Arina.
-Nice to meet you.

-And you are?
-I'm Danny.

[loud chatter]
[doorbell rings]

So this is my crib,
this is my place, what--

[loud banging]
[Arina screams]

[shouting] Get down!
Get down on the floor!

[Arina screams]

-Ok it's [indistinct]
-[all laughing]

-[Arina sighs loudly]
-[all laughing and shouting]

[all laugh]

[doorbell rings]

[indistinct chatter]
[soft cheerful music]

[chatter continues]

[Beth] What's your name?
I'm Beth.

[Danny] Are you Beth? Oh!

Sorry about--
I didn't know it was you.

Does she want to come in?
Thank you very much, everyone!

Do you want to--
Stevo, you going to--

Are you gonna keep that on,
or do you want--

-What?
-[Olly] Never mind.

[Olly] Come on,
let me show you around.

[soft chatter]

[Olly] Everyone, everyone...

you just take them in here,

I'd just like
to introduce my son.

-[all] Aww.
-[Olly] Yeah.

This is [name]
Daniel-San Hunter,

and he is my pride and joy.

You're going to be
a top-model one day, aren't you?

Ah, yeah, he's a bit cranky,
'cause I just woke him up, so...

He is always, he's alright,

he's happy to meet people,
aren't you?

[Beth] What's that on his back?

Oh, that! Yeah.

That is the Japanese symbol
for Olly Hunter.

I got my name on his back.

[Shiv] I must say it's
the first time I've ever seen

an infant inked like that.

Yeah, he did not
like the needle!

Did you?
You did not like the needle.

No, I swear to God, he
fucking cried the house down.

[Olly] We've got the gym,
our steam, sauna and the pool.

Which I love.

[guy] Yeah, it's cool.

Where's the grill?

The only thing is,
with the brick work--

[Olly] That's right.
Yeah, down, right there.

We've got the wine cellar here,

That's right, you've got
your reds, your whites,

your rosés, everything
you can possibly need...

As long as you've got
that [wine name]

sorted for me and Shiv.

[whispering]
They know nothing about wine.

Fuck the League, you know?

Fuck the League, it's all
politics and points anyway.

You walk an FA Cup final,
that's the one you dream about.

[commentator]
The sun is shining,

the fans are singing,

they're all decked out
in their colors.

This is the one that everybody
dreams of winning.

[Kurt] Danny has a close
personal friend, called Nicky,

and he has a really good eye
for fashion,

and he made these suits
and they were great.

Like, they were
country-chic-classic cut.

We had a flat cap,

I had the sort
of tweed look going on,

and a little dicky bow tie.

Pocket on the waist coat,
with a watch in chain.

With a bit of a walking stick.

And then we had those clocks...

I think it was the first time

that the FA Cup
had ever seen this fashion.

I wouldn't want to say
that, you know,

it was so much
of a Northern thing, the suits,

but I will say
no self-respecting gentleman

that knows anything
about fashion,

in London, or the South,

would be caught there
wearing one.

Looked really nice, all the lads
liked them, apart from Olly.

You know, I've put it on,
it itches like fuck,

I've already felt
a rash coming up,

and from that moment on,
my head is not in the game.

You can't come back
from something like that.

At the FA Cup final,
I want to take my guests.

I've got two Iranian,
let's say, businessmen,

I have three, let's say,
entrepreneurs from North Korea,

then my guest,
we go to Wembley--

The teams come out
onto the pitch,

you know you've got
to walk down each player

and shake their hands,

so anyway, I get to our kid...

[commentator] Laurence has
refused to shake Danny's hand.

...and he's just like,
"I don't want to shake you."

He went like that.

And I just thought,
"You dickhead,

now you mind to shake my hand?
What's up with you?

Get over it, you girl."

Modo was not bad
for the first half of the game,

because Modo was in Cardiff.

We were playing Cardiff,
so Modo went to Cardiff.

He didn't realize we're not
playing Cardiff in Cardiff,

it's at Wembley, mate.

His uncle Kofi's come around
to England for the big game.

This is what that bastard
said to me.

He said, "Kwasi,
how can I drive you back?

If I drive you back now,

I'm going to miss the start
of the FA Cup match."

Kofi said, "No, I'm happy,
I'm in Cardiff,

I'm going to watch the game
in the pub."

I said, "Uncle Kofi,
I'm in the match.

You have to drive me there
to get in the game."

You can never ear it properly,
'cause the crowd's singing it.

And then, the player next to you
is trying to sing it,

so, I would get
the words mixed up.

[car hooting]

[background traffic]
[upbeat music]

I see a lady

with some shopping bags
in her hands.

♪ Little donkey, little donkey
on the dusty road ♪

What you can do, if you sing,
you can sing that,

to make it look
like you're singing

"God Save the Queen."

She had come over to me,
she knew that I was lost.

I whisper it, in a whisper.

[whispering]
So that you can hardly hear it.

She drove like a maniac.

I thought I was going to die.

There was a lot of trouble
early in that match.

Some of the Cardiff fans
have been doing Nazi salutes.

And they were doing
the mustache thing

at the same time.

And then on the other side
of the ground

they were also doing
this Nazi salute at me.

Now, you say to me,
"That is bad."

I say to you, "That is passion."

And we've all seen it,
and we've all stopped playing,

we've gone right up
to the referee and said,

"Look what's going on over here,

you must do
something about that."

So I tell the referee,
he tells the fourth official,

and the fourth official
asks the fans,

and the fans say,
"No, we are just waving

at people on the other side
of the stadium."

Apart from one guy, who said,
"Yeah, yeah, I'm being racist."

And he was banned for two games.

But I mean, I do
a lot of charity work,

for goodness sakes,
I opened four synagogues.

Kurt, you just have to look
beyond that sort of stuff.

You know, obviously the fans
are going to give you shit.

Obviously they're going to try
and psyche you out,

but that's what being
a professional football player

is all about.
You overcome that.

Ok, you come over it.

With passion, you get people.

With people, you get big crowds.

With big crowds,
you get big money.

With big money, you get
an investment opportunity.

See, I call him
"The Berlin Wall,"

Kurtzie, he's not from Berlin,

but he's like a wall.

But, like a wall, sometimes,
he has a gap in his thinking.

And, for some reason,
the gap appeared in the FA Cup.

Forty yards out,
speculative shot...

[commentator] Laurence is
a long way off, with no backup,

but if-- he's taking a shot!
Unbelievable!

How on earth did that go in!

It was a howler.
It was a howler!

Our kid scored.

It hit the back of the net,

but I clawed it out,

and that's why you need
goal line technology,

because I don't know
if it crossed the line.

Half time, Olly Hunters
had a terrible first off.

Our fans were booing.

And I was booing too, of course.

Why not? We put in
a bad performance? We boo.

I booed.

They're bored
out of their minds.

They are texting,
they are twittering,

they are bookfacing...

I'm trying to say,
"Look at this,

this is amazing,
that is a corner."

Between you and me,
I was bored out of my mind too.

Gaff has come in,

and I've never seen anyone

give anyone
the tumble-dryer treatment

so strong
as he's given him that day.

Ultimately, I believe
it was the suits.

Literally, his hair
has got blown back,

he's got a massive bouffant,
looks like Art Garfunkel.

[mocking a deaf person
trying to speak]

I'm like, "I don't know
what you're saying."

The manager
had brought Olly off,

and he puts me on
for the second half.

Are we playing four-four-three?

No, you can't play
four-four-three.

And Olly was looking at me,

giving me those eyes,
like, "Get off the pitch."

Number 17? No. Not living.

He's never been substituted
in his life.

I mean, for me, personally,

I think having
a manager in football

you know, it's
like having a left arm.

It's nice,
but it's not essential.

We've got a running joke
about Modo, that is,

"He will score
with every part of his body,

except with his foot."

[commentator] ...a bit closer,
he's got past Johnson,

now he's taken a shot,
he's gone in!

[crowd cheering]

Michelangelo goals...

He's headed it, it's gone in.

[commentator] A screamer!
Look at that!

Right up into the top corner!

He scored
from outside of the box,

and that deserved
a special celebration.

They started running away,
like they were the antelope,

[ethnic music]
[arrow swishing in background]

And then I shot one of them.

Then the celebration
has ended up with a corner flag,

and he's being pelted
with coins.

I don't think they know
how much we get paid.

You missed some fucking sitters
and I have been setting you up.

Deliberately setting you up.

[commentator] Keegan up field
has kicked it

over the last defender

it's just landed
at Keegan's foot,

he's going at the goal--
[shouting] Goal!

And he's just about to lift
his shirt up

and the whistle goes.

Apparently it was offside.

[whistle blowing]
[disappointed crowd]

I don't know what the ref
was going on about,

so I let him know about it.

You know what I mean?
What has it got to do with him?

Why couldn't he
let me score my goal

and do my celebration?

Because it meant a lot to me

just to be able
to pull my shirt off

and just to show everybody
that I had scored a goal.

Anyway, I called him
"a bald Home Counties puff."

Olly, when he was substituted
at half time

in the FA Cup final,

went to spend
some quality time with Gertie.

She's worked on my knots,
she's got rid of my tension,

and, you know, I've watched
the second half while she is...

It is my wife's body,
it is his body,

they can do with that
what they like,

that is just sex.

If it's love, ok,
we have a problem.

Maybe we have
a conversation about it.

The physio is Kurtzie's Mrs.

Gertie came on to the pitch

and she massaged the legs
of Danny's brother, Laurence.

He didn't even look
like he had a cramp.

[commentator]
That's the wrong Keegan!

Yeah, Laurence Keegan,
he plays for Cardiff.

Deep massage.

Using an awful lot
of cocoa butter.

She might have thought
he looked like me.

It's one-one. It's penalties.

The penalty shootout
was an opportunity

for us to win the Cup.

And I knew that no one
would score,

because my system
is unbreakable.

[commentator] Kurtz
is going the wrong way,

he's dived the wrong way,

I have never seen him
miss a penalty!

Ok. He scores.

It must be a miskick.

Now I blame the pitch,

'cause there was a bubble
just in front of the spot.

And that's why my shot went--

[commentator] It's gone over!
He skied it, John!

...you know, went over the goal.

I have goal constipation,

I couldn't hit a barn door
with a cow's ass.

The next one, he scores,

I'm lying
in the wrong corner of the net.

Ok...

something's up.

They're pissing themselves,
and they start a chant.

And it's amazing how quickly
a group of people

can make up a chant
if they want to.

And they've started a chant
and they've gone,

"Kurtz, Kurtz,
your system doesn't works."

Cardiff won on penalties.

[soft upbeat music]

[soft background crowd cheering]

My people, they left.

They took their things,
they took their investment,

they took their hearts
and souls away from football.

They wanted a global brand

and they pumped
a lot of money into chicken.

I wanted to retire.

[epic music]

Fuck the FA Cup.

You know, no one even cares
about it anyway.

We've got the Champions League
coming up.

So, ok? We got Europe
to look forward to,

you win that,
and then nothing else matters,

you're champions in Europe,
you're the best team in Europe.

I think Olly wanted
to make it up to us,

you know,
'cause he played so shit.

There's this little place
I know about,

it's not strictly legal,

it's a sort
of underground casino,

near Soho.

You'd never know it was there,

it was just
like a little black door.

It's all run by...
nothing, whatever.

After the match
we were in London

and instead of going out
to the clubs,

I decided I want
some real excitement,

to make myself feel more alive.

I went to the Thames,
I took off all my clothes,

I got into the water
and I swam against the current.

We've got
our little VIP area there.

Stevo is there,
he's on the roulette table,

he's gambling,
he's having a good time,

I'm chatting
to this bird and stuff...

Basically,
you spin the roulette,

wherever the ball lands on,

that's the age of the girl
that you got to shag,

but if it is under 16,
you know,

then it's how many girls
you shag that night.

It was a little dangerous,
it was quite thrilling,

perhaps, had to go
to the left and the right

to miss out a barge,

and then there were four guys
from Comic Relief

that were swimming
the other way.

Danny is not liking the music,

they're playing Jamie XX,
or something like that,

I quite liked it.

But it wasn't quite
what he wanted,

he said he wanted
something feel-good.

"18 'Till I Die", Bryan Adams.

And the DJ is looking at him
like he's joking, at first...

So, I had to give him a slap.

And he's throwing and swinging
punches at everything,

and they called the police
and we've been arrested.

But the last thing I remember

was putting
all my money on red 32.

About four o'clock
in the morning,

I was found swimming in Henley,

by a search party
that Gertie had sent out.

But I was still swimming,

I had to keep swimming
just to get it out of my system.

I've been with Beth all night.

You were so gullible
when you first arrived.

I took her to Disney On Ice.

The first thing you've got
to remember when you go

on a match of the day,
no one tells you this,

but no one wears trousers there.

I did not know that Quasimodo
was a hunchback.

No one wears trousers
to go to the match of the day?

-So you've gotta make sure th--
-Because they're only

-seeing the top?
-Exactly.

Someone had assumed
that this girl was like this,

I shouted over to her,
"What are you doing, you slut?"

You'll look like a fool if you
turn up wearing your trousers,

-so just remember that.
-Can I wear trousers

to get to the building,
and then take them off?

It's better if you don't.

I said to them,
"Who are you talking to?

You don't talk to her
like that."

And they had to back off.

We thought it would be prudent

if we invited Manchester United

to Downing Street,
to give them a party

not only to wish them well
and to say "good luck,"

but really to convey to them

how much the country,
the nation, were behind them.

I was in two minds
whether I would go,

'cause, you know, I see myself
as a bit of a labor man,

you know, you could
almost say socialist.

I'm not hugely political,

I think, you know,
you get too wrapped up in pol--

I'm more of a humanist.

I think that's
how you describe me,

I'm more into humans.

They wanted to know,
and we talked about, earnings.

Well, apparently, he was saying
he's on a hundred and twenty k.

They thought this was
a pretty good wage,

until I pointed out that this
was my annual salary.

[laughs]

[laughing]

[laughs]

A year? A year?

I felt really sorry for him.

Danny has said to everyone,
"I'm going to get out a hat,

and I'm going to do
a whip around

for the Prime Minister."

One of them took off their caps
and they raised,

within five minutes,
50 thousand pounds.

Which was absolutely delightful
and I gave it to charity.

I wanted to build an eco-house,
and I needed permission.

...came straight up to me,
shook me by the hand and said,

"Prime Minister,
I'm not going to vote for you,

I've never voted for you,

please can you help me
with my planning permission?"

Ten bedrooms, it had
an indoor swimming pool,

a five-a-side, a cinema room...

He wanted to build a house
out of manure.

Not just any horse shit,
it was...

horse shit from thoroughbred
horses with straw.

"I'm not leader
of your local counsel."

Well, that's great, uh?

You know, we've come here,
we've had a whip around for you,

and you're saying "no?"
You can't help me out?

We've just helped you out.

I said that I though
the Olympics should be called,

"The Sunderland-London
Olympics 2012."

This is the London Olympics.

"Fair enough,
but what about the cycling?"

Well, again,
I had to say to him,

"No, this is
the London Olympics."

"What about archery," I said.

"Mister Prime Minister,
what are you doing

about the supply of clean water
to the countries in Africa?"

"Listen, chump,
you earn in a week

more than I, as Prime Minister,
earn in a year."

And then he looked at me,
he looked me up and down...

"With that amount of money,

you could flood the Sahara
within a matter of weeks."

I got the call through,
and I was thinking like,

"Scheiße, why not me? Please!
Please! All I wanted to do

is play the Weltmeisterschaft
with my country,

that is it,
I want to play this games!"

He absolutely
fucking lost the plot.

[shouting] No!

There was the World Cup Squad,

and basically
he hadn't been selected.

[screaming] I have to play!

I picked up a cup of tea,
I chucked it on the floor.

Some of the furniture
went west.

It was just mayhem everywhere.

" Scheiße! Scheiße! "

" Deutschland, Deutschland! ",
like that.

[shouting] "I'm so angry!

I've got to play for Germany,
don't you understand?

Don't you understand?
Why not?"

And I put my phone in the cake,
I was so upset!

And then these people come in,

and they punch me,
and I punch them back!

They had to wrestle him
to the ground,

the security guys, they had him
in like a choke lock.

I'm on the floor,
and I'm looking up,

at this painting
of Winston Churchill,

and I'm thinking,
"I am not having a good day!"

We received a letter of apology
from Kurtzie, a few days later.

I couldn't understand it,
it was in German.

We knew all of that
would be forgotten

if we managed to come away
from that season

holding the Champions League.

Yeah, so we are
on the way to Madrid,

on the plane,
and I'm quite upset still,

and Modo takes it upon himself
to make me laugh, cheer me up.

♪ First you lift one shoulder
Then you close one eye ♪

♪ Then move back and forth
And do the Kwasi-Modo ♪

♪ Do the Kwasi-Modo
Do the Kwasi-Modo ♪

After about five minutes
of this shit, I'm thinking,

"Just shut the fuck up, Modo!"

♪ Do the Kwasi-Modo
Do the Kwasi-Modo ♪

♪ Do the Kwasi-Modo
Do the Kwasi-Modo ♪

♪ Jump for Ghana ♪

[shouting] "Shut up!
Shut the fuck up! Please!"

[commentator] Welcome to the
UEFA Champions League Final,

at the Santiago Bernabeu!

I felt very early on
that it was vital

that the Prime Minister
should represent the country

at the UEFA Champions
League Final.

You know, 2022
for the World Cup,

Qatar, everybody
is talking Qatar,

I say, why don't we
take this thing

to Greenland
and to the Faroe Islands?

And the whole thing
that we were working on,

like a tag-line,

was "The Green World Cup
in Greenland"

and the Faroe Islands,
as it is a bit on the side.

Yeah, at the beginning
of the game

there was a bit of racism.

[commentator] We will have
to look at this, John.

Racism is a matter of definition

and I'm going to make a point
to you, right now.

Girls! Hey, come! Come here.
Come here. Sit here, come.

Now, come-- Hello!
Come, come here.

Now, I want to say something.

I, as a man, I have
a preference for small breasts.

Ok? Small, a little bit bigger,
still not too big.

Ok, now you tell me,

"Frank, I want you to like
the big boobs, the big breasts."

A-ha. Not at all.

I like small.
Does that make me a bad man?

Uh? 'Cause I don't like
the big breasts?

I accept the big breasts, ok?

And you can have them,
I don't want them.

I want that, I want that.

Enough.

Ok, thank you.

-You're looking fantastic.
-[girls giggle]

Small and fantastic.

Ok, thank you.
Ok, we speak later.

No racism.

And I was upset,
and so I said to Modo,

"Don't let it bother you,"

but he doesn't
because he is really tough,

so then I went
to the fourth official

and I made a complaint.

And they said, "Yeah,
we'd really like to stop that,

but it's coming
from the Royal Box, so...

you know, we don't have
jurisdiction there.

The first half was
just an absolute nightmare.

Olly has been getting stick
from the very first minute,

they've clearly made a decision,

it's their tactic
to go after him.

I knew that someone
was maybe trash-talking Olly.

"So, you are
in the FA Cup final,

my mom could score
better goals than that."

I'm thinking,
"No, she couldn't,

she's not
a professional football player,

I highly doubt that,
I would have heard of her."

"Look at you,
look at your stubble,

it's so uneven!
It got some bits really patchy,

Look at your patchy face!"
they've said to him.

And I've heard that!

"Nice hair."

They have insulted his hair.

Fuck!

Olly just lost his rug.

I've shoved him
and he's gone down.

He's holding his face, you know,
rolling about on the floor.

And then I've done a pee on him.

[commentator] Oh, my goodness!
It's a golden shower

from United's golden player.

You can't do a pee on a player,

and not expect to be sent home.

The referee didn't see
the funny side of it

and gave him a red card.

Chancellor Merkel surprised me

by standing up
and shouting, " Ja, ja! "

I tell you what,
I tell you, that's for free.

Kurtzie's goal keeping
this player, that day,

was better than anything
I've ever seen in my life.

He became a spider,

it was almost like he had
more than two arms.

Boy, he was just saving them,
left, right and center.

Really, it was superb.
I played quite brilliantly.

Forty-seven minutes in,
we've got a corner.

One of our
rare pieces of pressure

that we've managed
to muster in the game.

I went up to take it,
and the next thing,

I just see Kurtzie
running down the pitch.

Sprinting down the pitch.

"Kurtzie, what are you doing?
You idiot!"

That's the last thing
they are expecting.

I just thought,

"Oh Kurtzie, what are you doing?
You've got to stay in goal, man,

it's not...
you know, it's not extra time."

What could be better than taking
everyone by surprise

and coming up
in the 47th minute,

when it was so unlikely?

And providing
an extra man in the box.

Kurtzie just-- he flew.
He was like an ostrich.

[shouting] "Goalkeeper's ball!"
And then before I knew it...

Bang! He went in, it was a goal.

And my team-mates jumped on me,

the manager was like,
he was cross,

but at the same time
he was happy.

And I've done it,
I've scored a goal

in the Champions League Final.

I fulfilled my childhood dream.

I mean, usually I get about,
maybe ten, 15 goals a season.

Premiership, nothing.
FA Cup, nothing.

Biggest game
in the Champions League,

it's everything to play for.

I just, I kept running and,
you know, I dropped my shoulder,

and I was turning,
twisting with the ball

and then, you know,
I saw the goal.

The goalie was running out,
and, you know,

I took a step back,
and " Twat! "

Bang! In the goal it went.

It was just-- And I knew,
then, it was the time

to let the world know the secret
that I've been keeping

for what felt like a lifetime,

but actually it was
only about a year.

But...
it was that I had the t-shirt

printed under my shirt,

that I got to show
to everybody, was...

..."out and proud."

And I thought, "Well,
this is the time to do it."

So I pulled the shirt off,

and, you know, I'm running up,
I'm running to the crowd,

but, instead of saying
"out and proud,"

Stevo swapped it,
and it had like a big cock

with swastikas on the balls.

And I've painstakingly
drawn it, right,

with Tipp-Ex on the red shirt,

and I've just switched it 'round
in the changing room.

[crowd booing]

But the ref...

yeah, he didn't see
the funny side of it

and he sent me off.

That's a straight red,
you can't have a Nazi cock

on your t-shirt.

Not in football.

That lad who has been
winding up Olly,

with all the insults,
constantly,

and he's been having a go
at Modo as well,

and you can see him,
you can see him

spurring on the crowd
to do the racist chanting.

He was running towards me

and I thought,
"He's racist, so fuck it."

It was frankly terrifying.

And then I just took his legs.

Ah, scheiße.

It's penalty.
And a red card for me.

It made Chancellor Merkel,
huh, cock-a-hoop.

And we had eight men,
eight men against Bayern Munich.

It's just... it's not possible,

so they were just
banging them in.

From two-nil,
to two-one, to two-two.

Three-two, four-two,
and then it got to five-two.

"Come on, come on mate.
Come on, think about it,"

And then it came to me.

Apparently, if you get five men
sent off, the game is abandoned.

We've got a fucking chance here.

If we can do this,
and do this right,

we're still going
to win this thing.

If five players
get sent off in a team,

the match is abandoned.

"I'm going to get sent off,

and then you
have got to get sent off."

E-he!

No one else
needs to know about it,

and we are going to have
another shot

at this championship, next week,
I'm going to come back

and I'm gonna
fucking batter this.

E-he!

Stevo went in, and it was
the guy who was sledging Olly...

I couldn't take any chances,

so I went straight in
with a career-ender.

[loud crash]

[Stevo] And it's an instant red.

A great tackle.

I didn't even bother
to wait for the card,

'cause time was of the essence.

They were saying from the bench,

"Modo! Modo!"

"Modo! Modo! Tackle him,
foul him, just do anything!"

And so we realized that we're
calling the wrong name,

and I think he's maybe
making a point by not answering,

so we're like,
"Abdullah! Abdullah!"

"Abdullah! Take the legs!
Take the legs!"

And then he looks around,
and we're like, "Get him!"

"Go in hard!
Get yourself sent off!"

I ran over to the corner flag,

I picked it up
out of the ground...

[whistles softly] He threw it
and [imitates spear sound]

right into
the Spanish royal box.

This thing... it nearly hits
the Prime Minister of Greenland.

-And then we have done it.
-It was a great throw.

"Frank, this is not
a good thing.

We don't want
the World Cup in our country.

This is football?

No, we want
nothing to do with it."

The match was abandoned.

But we never got the re-play.

It was an automatic defeat.

And we lost
the Champions League.

So, five men sent off,
match abandoned,

the game went to Bayern Munich,
good for them.

[Munich supporters chanting
and cheering]

[speaking with German accent]
Manchester United is

a shit team, a shit team.

And they can't be sent off...

shit, shit! Five players out!

[all chanting and cheering]

So the Manchester United deal
was dead,

you might say
that I have lost out.

The World Cup bid for Greenland,
you might say I have lost out.

But let me tell you something.

Frank Farougi, he is a winner.
[glass shattering]

In a way,

the fact that it came out
that Danny was gay,

was a massive shock, initially,
when I thought about it

because, I mean,
he's Danny Keegan,

you just don't think--

It's so unusual
for a professional footballer

to be gay, I mean,
he plays like a straight man.

I thought, "You are
one brave Northern bastard."

We're not as gay
as the gay people in London.

But we're still gay.

But we're just--
we're gay in a different way.

You know what I--
Like, I've got my moisturizer

and everything,
but I'm still manly.

I know how much
that meant to him

and how important it was
for him to be himself.

Most of the team,
now, they've moved on,

you know,
they've been transferred,

there's only Stevo left.

He was relieved
to be out and proud,

but understandably
he was nervous.

First match at home.

"Is it going to be
like being fed to the lions?"

Which is what used to happen
to homosexual people.

So we all went down the tunnel.

And I've given him
a little pat on the ass

And I said, "Fucking
have a good one mate."

They started singing, and...

it was my song
but they changed it, and it was,

♪ He's hard, he's fast
he takes it up the ass ♪

♪ Keegan, Keegan ♪

And I just thought...

that they accepted me.

We got that sort of reception
for Danny,

not just from our lot,

but from everyone,
up and down the country,

"He's hard, he's fast,
he takes it up the ass!

Danny Keegan!"

They fucking loved him.

They still love me, and it
didn't matter if I was gay.

[sniffs]

[clears his throat]

Sorry.
[clears his throat]

[sniffs]

[Olly] Here, mate. Fish & chips.

-[Stevo] What about--
-[Olly] Mash and peas.

Thanks mate.
Knife and fork. Salt.

Fish like it's meant to be. Hot.

-Fork. Knife.
-Thank you so much.

-Enjoy.
-Cheers, mate.

Did Lucy get Italian?

All right, yeah. Everyone, uhh

tuck in. Bonsai.

[cutlery clinking]
That looks good.

Umm...
[taps glass]

So I thought, just

before we get started,
uhh, I'd just like to say, uhh

you know, since
it's been a few years

since we've
all been together, and

now obviously not
everyone here knows each other

none of you have
met Irina before, so

I thought if you
will indulge me a bit

we might play
a little bit of a game, uhh

throw your keys in a bowl.

No, I'm joking, I'm joking.

No. Uhh, I thought,

I thought we might go
round the table and, you know

everyone gets
to ask one question

to one other person in the room.

It's just a nice way
to break the ice here.

If you're all up for that, yeah?

[cork pops]
[whooping]

-That's what she said--
-After me.

Ah, let me ask
the glamorous chef

who put you in that dress?

-Who what?
-Who put you in that dress?

-What are you talking about?
-I, that dress, I think

makes you look a bit short

and like you've got
such a great figure--

I think she looks good.

I'm saying that I can
make you look even better.

I thought you would like to
see how I look bad or something

that was confusing.
[people speaking together]

You can put her into a dress

as long I can still be the
one to take her out of it.

[people speaking together]

You like to joke?

You like to joke.

But, why?

That's my question.

That's the weird thing of
life, do you know what I mean?

I think on my--

But sometimes it's
not always appropriate.

It's not a
funeral, it's a dinner.

So if I did, you know, you
tie people's shoelaces together.

Oh great, that's
hilarious, isn't it?

That's a funny joke.

We all were,
really annoyed with you

at the time.

I don't know
how to explain it, like

like as a scientist and stuff.

Like, say, that's
the devil, I can go and

oh my god,
tie your shoelaces together

and then like on
the other shoulder

you've got like
this angel, going

no, don't tie your
shoelaces together.

Will you, like,
listen to the one that says

tie your shoelaces together?

You see some shoelaces,
next thing you know, you see

Modo on the floor,
you've lost a leg or--

Next thing, you're drawing
swastikas on a pair of bollocks

that sort of thing.

Well, exactly in, in--

I think if it was
a choice, I don't think I could

look you and speak to you again.

I have a
question for you, Nicky.

Umm, I'd really
love to know more about

your work in fashion.

Well, it's a
massive market, I say.

What we've done is
bought into the business and

you know, we're expanding.

...by name, I'd sell
the product a bit more.

Yeah, of course.
The Keegan brand is worth

it's worth a lot,
a lot of money, obviously

-as you, as you--
-Oh, oh, it's like, I mean

what side is,
an international thing is now

-global, it's--
-Yeah.

I just said, oh,
and you took it out.

[indistinct chatter]

Uhh, do you want to...?

[indistinct chatter]

There you go,
if you want to pass around

that is actually what
is known as an 'oed'

I think it was, right, darling?

Oed or musk?

You know what you should
call it? "Oh No, Not Again."

[laughter]
My god, is that...

There's nothing
left without on it.

Hey Modo,
do you want to... [indistinct]

[laughing]

See if you can
catch the base note.

-Anyone.
-Oh, it's like vanilla in there?

Vanilla is in there

that's it, but that's not
the base note going. Anyone?

-That.
-Sprouts.

Close. That base
note is badger sweat.

-Don't be--
-I was going to say sweat.

You're saying it.

You're attracted to badgers?

That's to bugger up the smell.

The pheromones in
the sweat of the male badger

will work on some
humans, it does turn them on.

[indistinct chatter]

That's what we're getting at.

It's branding,
you know, isn't it? There's like

marketing
opportunities everywhere.

It's just
thinking outside the box.

-Yeah, that's what--
-Branding?

Right, I'll show
you branding, right?

This is what we sold out
before, me and Nicky.

Nicky made these himself, yeah.

Wow, what are
you doing, mate? What?

Right? See?

See that? See the--

-Yeah, yeah!
-I'm gonna call this

-I'm gonna call this--
-Look, mate, fuck off.

Right. Quality, quality.

Right. That looks like
something a stripper would wear.

I'm not joking,
this is what I mean

my corner in the market.

That is quality, craftsmanship.

That's "Oh" right there

-Olly Hunter.
-It's still cheap.

-It feels cheap.
-Mate, that's silky.

Beth, what do you think?

Oh god, I'm trying to--

[people speaking together]

From a woman's perspective,
from a woman's perspective--

What would you rather buy?

What would you rather have?

All right, all right--

I know that it's
important, it's important.

All right, I have
to make a choice--

Shut, she's
gonna make a choice--

I don't know, sir,
what you're trying to do

but you need to move away.

[speaking at once]

I dare you to do that again.

[speaking at once]

Everyone calm down, yeah?
It's all right, mate. We're not-

What I'm trying to say

mate, we just wanted
an opinion on the pants.

Don't make a scene
about it, just sit down, please.

-Beth, I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry, everybody.

-Abdullah, I'm sorry.
-It's all right, baby.

-Sit down, please.
-Yeah.

That will do, I think.

There's a lot of
booze on this table

-so let's just write it off, OK?
-I think it's really nice to

to be successful at business.

Well, I think the
thing we're all thinking is

why have you got a beautiful
girl like that covered up?

It is a choice that
we have both made.

-Why aren't you covered up then?
-She's clearly, like

you know, she's clearly fit.

What do you do when you
are walking from the shops?

And you are walking with a
tin of sardines in tomato sauce?

[indistinct chatter]

We did,
falling all over the place

looking shit, looking
everywhere, falling everywhere

or do you cherish it

you get home,
have it in the kitchen

and you peel it off slowly

and you cherish it, you're going
to have it with your dinner.

Now you're comparing
her with a tin of fish?

Talking about, I've
only ever seen burqa

in black, and I'm just thinking

-do they come in other colors?
-Yeah.

If someone is
going to wear a burqa

-in pink, in literally pink-
-No, I'm just saying

[speaking together]

-All burqas.
-I'm thinking about-

-All burqas.
-You knock it, but

the Muslim market
hasn't really been tapped.

There is a huge market there
for different color burqas

maybe a
shorter version, I mean...

A shorter version?
Do you understand the point

of what we are doing?

No, I don't at all.

When we're in
the house and stuff

like I'll just wear
like normal clothes

but it's just like
when we go out it's an-

you know, that's what
Kwazi wants me to wear

and it's like,
I'm happy with that.

All right, I've got
a question for Danny.

Danny, when did you
first decide to be gay?

[sighs]

I mean, you know
how it is when you

you're in a football game
and, you know, you just

you sort of meet girls and

you

girls are hired for you and

and I mean, you know, we've all
been there, haven't we, lads?

-Just... you've got-
-Like prostitutes, like.

Well, not prostitutes.

It's sort of, a bit
of both a prostitute

but, similar.

So no one forced you to be gay?

-Uhh...
-Stevo?

Did anyone force
you to be straight?

My dad did.

-He forced you to be straight?
-My dad did.

Did you decide to be straight
or were you just born straight?

Well, I don't know,
because he was like

telling me to be a

be straight,
like, from such a young age

that, before
I could even write, so...

And he was
a boxer as well, so he--

So I didn't want
to mess with him.

I have thoughts
about boys, why not?

I see a beautiful
naked man in the shower

I look at his body, I think,
ja , that is a great male body.

-Yeah, same here.
-But it's different, though

isn't it, to thinking,
I'd like to lick that body.

Do you know what I mean?

[speaking at once]

Is that a farming thing,
door, or is that a sexual thing?

It's gonna be a German
thing, no offense intended

like, I think it very liberated.

Me and Danny, we went to

we went to [indistinct]
a few weeks ago.

It was merely to
piss Putin off, really.

Umm, just have a
quick shout and come back

but actually, it turned out

to be a little bit
more special, didn't it?

-Yeah.
-And, uhh...

-We, umm...
-Danny here

Danny proposed.

[speaking at once]
[clapping]

[clapping]
[speaking at once]

[clapping]
[speaking at once]

No, no, but who's gonna
be the husband, you know, like.

We're both the husband.

He does the
washing now and again

so maybe that
makes him the woman.

[laughs]

-Not all the time.
-You were

full-out the best

football players in the world.

Mmm.

Why is it, I'm the only
one still playing football?

My legs are fucked.

For me, it was like

I was a lion

and

I was at the top of the pack

and one day
I went in for a scrap

and another lion
took my eye out.

And thereafter

I knew that

I would never
be the top lion again.

So it was time for me to slink
away into the bushes and die.

And I did that

by

going home

to Germany

uhh, back on the farm

set up Kurtz Air.

New start

new lion.

It's great.

New life, feel much better.

Umm...

I suppose I've got
a question for you, Olly.

[clears throat]

Why do you keep tickling
my leg under the table?

I'm sorry, just really ticklish.

Why do you keep doing it?

-Tickling footsie with me.
-I think if

uhh, we're all done here, uhh

we should head up,
maybe have drinks upstairs?

No, no, no, listen. Why
don't you answer the question?

Why don't you
answer the question?

I didn't even
realize I was doing it.

-I am--
-It's just Olly.

Jolly, just playing a joke.

He's not just
fucking playing a joke.

[speaking at once]

Just a funny man.

No, I didn't mean
anything by it. I have

-A twitch--
-Did you find it funny?

Anybody find it funny?

-Modo...
-You want me to laugh?

[laughs]

Do that again. Do it again.

See if I don't
cut off your foot.

-OK, now--
-See if you can tickle

anybody's leg on that table,
yeah.

Does that sound like the
sort of thing a Muslim would do?

Is that the sort of
thing a Muslim would do?

You are testing me.
You are a test to me.

Kwazi, calm down now.

You are doing that
under the table.

You have no respect for me.
I thought you was my friend.

It's just, it's,
it's a physical thing

it's like a twitch.

[people speaking together]

Is it a physical thing?

What do you think about it?

-Yeah, maybe we should--
-Maybe just get you back on

just do your
fucking achilles mess.

What does that mean?

If he wants to get you back

he could just do
your fucking achilles mess.

[dramatic music]

[grunts]

It sounds like
what you're saying is

that you did my
achilles on purpose, mate.

That's exactly what I said

I just told you
that's what I'm saying

I'm saying if he wants
to get you back, like I did

then he can do
your fucking achilles.

Get me back for what, mate?

Get you back for what? Well

if you want to bring that up

you're going to embarrass

our chef

and everyone else here,
then we'll go into it, but

-I think, that's--
-I think it's pretty...

-I mean, it's obvious.
-Maybe you talking about drinks

in another room, maybe--

I've sort of had enough
of just passing it off

by going for drinks, though

and just because
we're at your house

it's like we can't have
a fucking proper go at you

for the sort of shit that
you're pulling all the time

having a little fiddle with
her legs underneath the table.

Mate, mate, we can talk
about this later. I don't know

what you're getting at,
but obviously you're--

I think we've talked
about it enough, Steve.

Obviously, you're
very worked up, and

-you know, that's fine.
-You've upset me.

Yeah, enough.

Long time ago, now.

Always just underneath the
surface, you know what I mean

it doesn't take
much to push it back.

And when I see
that's an exact replica

of what was
going on at our house

five years ago, almost exactly.

Just...

And you're still at it,
you're still doing this?

You're still doing
the same old thing, like--

You've got to fucking,
you've got your own fucking

Shania Twain now,
and she sings lovely--

All right, all right,
enough's enough now.

That's my wife you're
talking about right there.

So let's just--

I've got to respect
your wife now, do I?

Yes, you do,
when you're in my house

-you have to respect my wife--
-...toes under the table

If you want to talk to me...

-take it outside.
-We'll take it outside, then.

[people speaking at once]

It doesn't matter,
I'll take it outside.

[people speaking at once]

Irina, just, uhh...

get drinks for people and stuff.

[people speaking at once]

Ask anyone if
they want tea or coffee.

What to drink. I'll go and,
he needs to take his, uhh...

-You slept with Olly?
-Look, I'm just...

[indistinct chatter]

See what's going on down here.

I can't believe
this has happened.

Can he just calm down, just...

Pass us the sake, love.

-Get off--
-What are you doing?

-It's your--
-Get off me.

Get off me arse,
get off me arse.

Get off me arse.

I'm not in your arse.

Never knee a man
in the bollocks, man.

That's the fucking last
thing you do, after biting.

You'd fucking knee
a man in the bollocks.

Listen! Shut up the both of you.

-...bollocks?
-You!

Sit down!

-Where?
-You!

Get back in line!

There's no
fucking, there's no line.

What happened to us?

It's us against the world.

Never mind selling things.

We could have won everything.

We didn't.

Yep, because he fucking
impressed

the [indistinct] doesn't he?

It doesn't matter
any more, does it?

What matters is we
need to stick together.

Yeah?

[indistinct chatter]

He's not apologizing to me, man!

He's still not
apologizing to me.

Right, listen,
that's it. Enough!

Enough!

I'm the cops in here.

-I won't have it--
-You don't like it, fuck off!

I don't fucking like it,
I'm gonna fuck off.

I'm gonna fuck off, but it's

it's him that needs to fuck off.

I have a terrible secret.

It's F.A. Cup Final.

I was giving the massages.

-Yeah.
-And...

well

I

I massaged

someone from the opposite team.

-Well, that's OK--
-Danny's brother.

I tell him

that

Kurt

has a system

a system for
saving the penalties.

Kurtz is going the wrong way!

He's dived the wrong way!

I've never seen
him miss a penalty.

He's looking
shaken, look at him.

Does not believe it. The rest
of the team don't believe it.

I pretended,
I think, Oh, it's Daniel, no!

But the truth is,
I did it on purpose.

I knew that if I did it

Kurt would come back
with me. What could I do?

What could you do?
Keep your fucking mouth shut.

Kurtz was going crazy.
He would lose his mind.

He'd finish at the funny farm.

It had to end.

For Kurt and for everyone.

He needed to give up
the dream of the football.

We needed to go home,
live a normal life in Germany

and he would be
happier, and he is happier.

Could you have
just gone on holiday?

-Kurtz-y?
-Yeah?

Yeah?

I have a word with him but
I think you should shake hands.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You need to kiss and make up.

[others laugh]
Isn't that right?

-I'm not--
-Kiss and make up.

Didn't even have sex.

She literally, just the tip
maybe went in, just the tip

-most part is she just--
-Just shut up.

All right, it doesn't matter.

You need to
apologize to Beth for me.

Yeah, I can
do that, I'll do that.

[tender music]
[footsteps]

[knock on door]
Who is it?

Beth.
[footsteps]

[calm music]

[chair scraping]

You're right. Look, Beth,
about before, yeah, I'm...

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean nothing
by it, I swear, I just

you know, I've done
some stuff in the past that was

this other guy, but
I'm not that guy any more

and I think it was
just a slip-up, you know

old behaviors and stuff.

And I love Modo, I would
never do anything to hurt him

bless him, you know.

Scores more goals with
his bum than his foot, but he's

he's a legend, umm, and I just

I'd really appreciate
if we could start over

and just put
this whole thing behind us.

Forget about it, man. We all do
stupid things from time to time.

It's not our fault, is it?

OK, mate?

I mean, if somebody'd said to me

like, you're gonna have
to end up wearing a burqa

I see me like

oh my god, what
are you talking about?

-I know.
-But, you know, it's just like

-it goes with territory.
-It really does, it really does.

I still don't understand it.

It was a shock.

I had a couple
of foundations I sell.

Like Gary Lineker,
guy with the crisps.

I'm going to be
with the biscuits.

[indistinct chatter]

Help the OAP's foundation.

Tried charity work,
that didn't work out.

[indistinct chatter]

Dogs' Protection Society.

I bought an airline, Kurtz Air.

And I've also bought, cushions.

More cushions than you could
ever imagine having or needing.

[indistinct chatter]

Single Mothers'
Protection Society.

At the end
of the day, I'm a lad.

I'm just a little
lad from Sunderland.

Cheeky little
chappie from Sunderland.

Bit of a cunt.

He's a little one,
he's only like a...

think it is umm

a 160 footer

boat, you know?
It was going cheap.

[upbeat music]

And I just like
fish finger sandwiches

so I've got a lot of them.

Alan, Alan's been on.

Umm...

Uhh, don't have
George on any more.

Not after last time.

Four fabric [indistinct].

Olly Hunter's condoms are crap.

Baby-wear. Nappies.

Everyone needs nappies.

You don't want, you know

your babies crapping everywhere.

Why not get
my face, and my brand

on to the nappies.

There's no place for homophobia

uhh, in this country.

If you can't cope with it

get out.

This was, uhh,
the medal for, umm

skipping.

With Kurtz Air,
you are in safe hands.

You know, I always
treat women with respect.

You know, when
we do the spit roast

I always say thank you, after.

So then his dick, I'm
just a lad with that stuff.

I'm no different.

So I spend 25,000
pounds on a shirt.

It doesn't make me
any different to my mates

who buy their shirts
from River Island and Primoney.

[whooping]
[splashing]

[upbeat fast-paced song]

[song continues]

[song becomes ending song]

Do we have any
gays in the Cabinet? No.

[splutters]

[song continues]

[song continues]

[song continues]

Just, shut the fuck up.

Modo, shut up.

[song ends]