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1
00:00:02,224 --> 00:00:04,495
Well, that was
a weird afternoon.
2
00:00:04,503 --> 00:00:08,146
I guess I knew Pierce was part
of a weird, futuristic cult,
3
00:00:08,159 --> 00:00:11,897
but I wasn't prepared for a
funeral with so much beeping.
4
00:00:11,917 --> 00:00:13,497
Well, let's not judge.
5
00:00:13,519 --> 00:00:17,580
Everyone has a right to whatever fake
religion they delusionally choose.
6
00:00:17,663 --> 00:00:20,471
Abed, you were by the
coffin for a long time.
7
00:00:20,484 --> 00:00:23,381
- Are you okay?
- I'm okay. Although...
8
00:00:24,387 --> 00:00:26,407
♪ Troy and Abed
are in mourning ♪
9
00:00:26,427 --> 00:00:27,600
Will you guys please
stop doing that?
10
00:00:27,620 --> 00:00:29,766
I can't believe you did it
during your eulogy.
11
00:00:29,786 --> 00:00:31,765
So uncomfortable.
12
00:00:31,777 --> 00:00:34,663
I don't think the audience got that we
were singing "mourning" with a "u".
13
00:00:34,694 --> 00:00:36,695
You were singing
"mourning" with a "u"?
14
00:00:37,249 --> 00:00:37,989
Oh, no.
15
00:00:38,001 --> 00:00:41,004
I still don't fully understand
the laser lotus theology.
16
00:00:41,036 --> 00:00:44,309
So Pierce's body is in the
coffin, and we buried it,
17
00:00:44,329 --> 00:00:47,723
but this energon pod
contains his life... vapor?
18
00:00:47,742 --> 00:00:48,989
Yeah, it's all right here
19
00:00:49,009 --> 00:00:51,350
in this incredibly persuasive
literature they passed out.
20
00:00:51,396 --> 00:00:54,659
Once you reach level 16,
you can see the color blurble.
21
00:00:54,687 --> 00:00:56,589
Of all the ridiculous
cartoon nonsense.
22
00:00:56,609 --> 00:00:58,741
If there is a blurble, the Lord
keeps it hidden for a reason.
23
00:00:58,757 --> 00:01:02,506
What up, N-Bombs? How was
the funeral? Awesome?
24
00:01:02,525 --> 00:01:05,666
No, Chang, our friend's
funeral was not awesome.
25
00:01:05,694 --> 00:01:08,217
It was deeply sad.
You know, funeral style.
26
00:01:08,243 --> 00:01:10,804
Excuse me. I thought
you guys hated Pierce.
27
00:01:11,304 --> 00:01:13,505
- We did not hate Pierce.
- Craziness.
28
00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:15,818
All right, are you sure you
guys aren't just doing the
29
00:01:15,830 --> 00:01:17,612
"respect the dead" jig-a-lig?
30
00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:19,855
I think you have us
mistaken for you, Chang.
31
00:01:19,875 --> 00:01:24,629
I don't know. I definitely remember
you complaining about him a lot.
32
00:01:24,647 --> 00:01:27,651
We complained about him when
he was alive. This is different.
33
00:01:27,665 --> 00:01:29,286
Can't believe we'll
never see him again.
34
00:01:29,299 --> 00:01:31,539
Just a reminder you gotta
live life to the fullest.
35
00:01:31,566 --> 00:01:35,653
By the time Pierce was my age, he had
already been fired from 15 jobs.
36
00:01:35,674 --> 00:01:37,860
I've only seen two
Police Academies.
37
00:01:38,253 --> 00:01:39,666
The last two.
38
00:01:39,690 --> 00:01:42,355
Well, he's gone too soon
but won't be soon forgotten.
39
00:01:42,374 --> 00:01:44,879
I would say you're quite
correct, Mr. Winger.
40
00:01:45,296 --> 00:01:47,416
- Who the hell are you?
- My name is Mr. Stone.
41
00:01:47,429 --> 00:01:49,632
That's easy for you to say.
42
00:01:50,290 --> 00:01:53,104
- And for us to say.
- I work for Mr. Hawthorne.
43
00:01:53,272 --> 00:01:56,441
He specified in his will that no
matter how natural in appearance
44
00:01:56,465 --> 00:01:58,278
the circumstances
of his death,
45
00:01:58,303 --> 00:02:00,471
a private inquest
should be conducted
46
00:02:00,491 --> 00:02:04,278
to determine whether any one of
you, his former study group,
47
00:02:04,309 --> 00:02:06,107
- murdered him.
- What?
48
00:02:06,124 --> 00:02:08,831
To be cleared, you must all
submit to a polygraph test.
49
00:02:08,852 --> 00:02:13,477
Aw, schnizzle. You
guys are in trouble!
50
00:02:13,510 --> 00:02:15,813
- Later.
- Mr. Chang, I presume.
51
00:02:15,850 --> 00:02:18,820
You're also listed as a suspect
and requested to participate.
52
00:02:18,838 --> 00:02:22,280
- Fine, but I ask the questions.
- I'm afraid I can't allow that.
53
00:02:22,301 --> 00:02:24,765
All right, then just
the "fine" part.
54
00:02:25,906 --> 00:02:27,459
Oh! Oh!
55
00:02:27,505 --> 00:02:30,019
We're losing Pierce!
Everyone, quickly!
56
00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:36,916
Someone get a balloon.
57
00:02:37,798 --> 00:02:39,523
♪ Give me some rope ♪
58
00:02:39,544 --> 00:02:41,179
♪ Tie me to dream ♪
59
00:02:41,206 --> 00:02:42,686
♪ Give me the hope ♪
60
00:02:42,706 --> 00:02:44,361
♪ To run out of steam ♪
61
00:02:44,381 --> 00:02:47,780
♪ Somebody said
it can be here ♪
62
00:02:47,787 --> 00:02:49,491
♪ We could be roped up ♪
63
00:02:49,518 --> 00:02:51,828
♪ Tied up, dead in a year ♪
64
00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:56,738
♪ I can't count the
reasons I should stay ♪
65
00:02:56,751 --> 00:03:00,643
♪ One by one, they
all just fade away ♪
66
00:03:00,665 --> 00:03:03,165
Synced by Reef
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
67
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,440
I always wanted to
try a polygraph.
68
00:03:05,465 --> 00:03:07,101
They're like the pie
fight of cop movies.
69
00:03:07,122 --> 00:03:09,105
Or the acupuncture
of the legal system.
70
00:03:09,121 --> 00:03:11,554
I can't believe Pierce would
think we might murder him.
71
00:03:11,572 --> 00:03:14,580
Yeah, what a waste of murder.
I mean, he was, like, 79.
72
00:03:14,596 --> 00:03:17,769
I don't suppose anyone wants
to know I consider this a violation.
73
00:03:17,786 --> 00:03:20,723
Come on, it's just Pierce being
Pierce. It's his final wish.
74
00:03:20,743 --> 00:03:22,523
If I had a final wish,
I'd use it to stay alive.
75
00:03:22,531 --> 00:03:24,481
Let's do it.
How do we begin?
76
00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:26,246
We're to start
with Miss Perry.
77
00:03:26,605 --> 00:03:28,080
- State your name.
- Britta Perry.
78
00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:30,573
Have you ever had any thoughts
of violence towards Pierce Hawthorne?
79
00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:32,293
- No.
- Lie.
80
00:03:32,317 --> 00:03:35,884
I mean, I may have wanted to slap him
now and again, but I didn't kill him.
81
00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:37,977
In all your sexual fantasies
about Pierce Hawthorne,
82
00:03:38,002 --> 00:03:40,475
- none of them involved his murder?
- What? No.
83
00:03:40,492 --> 00:03:42,739
But you have had sexual
fantasies about Mr. Hawthorne.
84
00:03:42,758 --> 00:03:44,617
No! What kind of
question is that?
85
00:03:44,639 --> 00:03:45,964
I'm asking the questions
86
00:03:45,990 --> 00:03:48,758
just as Mr. Hawthorne wrote
them down, I assure you.
87
00:03:48,994 --> 00:03:51,501
- Mr. Winger, state your name.
- Jeffrey Winger.
88
00:03:51,517 --> 00:03:52,808
- Are you gay?
- No.
89
00:03:52,826 --> 00:03:54,440
- Are you sure you're not gay?
- Yes.
90
00:03:54,464 --> 00:03:55,915
- Gay murderer says what?
- What?
91
00:03:55,943 --> 00:03:56,876
He's telling the truth.
92
00:03:56,901 --> 00:03:59,208
I've been instructed to point out
that that means you're gay.
93
00:03:59,243 --> 00:04:00,221
- Ms. Bennett.
- Hmm?
94
00:04:00,235 --> 00:04:01,774
- State your name.
- Shirley Bennett.
95
00:04:01,787 --> 00:04:03,244
Are you a dishonest person?
96
00:04:03,264 --> 00:04:04,955
- No.
- She thinks that's true.
97
00:04:04,975 --> 00:04:06,688
Uh, you could have
just said no.
98
00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:08,186
I'm watching you
acting scientific
99
00:04:08,193 --> 00:04:10,686
and then adding your little 2¢
every now and again. Huh?
100
00:04:11,048 --> 00:04:13,409
- Continue. - Is it true that
you're a platinum level donor
101
00:04:13,422 --> 00:04:16,551
with the pro-life organization
prenatalpatriots.org?
102
00:04:16,576 --> 00:04:18,249
- What?
- Keep it cool, girls.
103
00:04:18,262 --> 00:04:20,643
It's my money.
It's my choice.
104
00:04:20,662 --> 00:04:22,685
Yeah, well, if I wanted the
Government in my uterus,
105
00:04:22,698 --> 00:04:25,059
I'd fill it with oil
and hispanic voters.
106
00:04:25,093 --> 00:04:27,272
Keep it frosty, ladies. Don't
let your goats get gotched.
107
00:04:27,292 --> 00:04:30,514
- Mr. Barnes, state your name.
- Troy Barnes.
108
00:04:30,746 --> 00:04:32,908
D'oh! I meant to say,
"Butts Carlton."
109
00:04:33,115 --> 00:04:34,555
He did mean to say,
"Butts Carlton."
110
00:04:34,573 --> 00:04:36,280
- She said it.
- Barnes,
111
00:04:36,306 --> 00:04:39,653
did you get angry when Mr. Hawthorne
told you Fat Albert died of diabetes?
112
00:04:39,672 --> 00:04:41,592
Yes, like any American would.
113
00:04:41,616 --> 00:04:43,250
- Angry enough to murder him?
- No.
114
00:04:43,271 --> 00:04:44,902
Is it true that you
and Abed Nadir
115
00:04:44,927 --> 00:04:46,676
have an elaborate
doomsday escape plan
116
00:04:46,689 --> 00:04:49,361
to be used in the event
of zombie attacks?
117
00:04:49,641 --> 00:04:52,508
We may have a designated
rendezvous point
118
00:04:52,523 --> 00:04:56,199
and a couple of bugout bags filled
with gold coins and condoms
119
00:04:56,218 --> 00:04:58,850
just in case we need to
bargain our way onto a boat.
120
00:04:59,248 --> 00:05:00,495
The gold coins
are for buying food.
121
00:05:00,515 --> 00:05:04,274
Does your doomsday plan account for the
welfare of any of your other friends?
122
00:05:05,474 --> 00:05:07,394
- Pass.
- Answer the question.
123
00:05:07,468 --> 00:05:09,295
- No.
- Troy! Rude!
124
00:05:09,314 --> 00:05:11,812
It's a doomsday plan,
not a picnic plan.
125
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:14,244
Do you really wanna see the
horrors we might have to endure
126
00:05:14,273 --> 00:05:15,980
- just to get on a boat?
- I guess not.
127
00:05:16,006 --> 00:05:17,193
- That's a lie.
- Ah!
128
00:05:17,218 --> 00:05:18,598
He's doing it again.
129
00:05:18,623 --> 00:05:21,970
- Pierce is doing it again.
- Mr. Chang, state your name.
130
00:05:21,990 --> 00:05:25,491
Benjamin Franklin Chang,
ready to deal out the truth.
131
00:05:25,524 --> 00:05:28,345
Nothing to hide.
Let's do this.
132
00:05:28,443 --> 00:05:30,996
Have you ever masturbated
in the study room?
133
00:05:34,058 --> 00:05:36,658
- Mr. Nadir, state your name.
- Abed Nadir.
134
00:05:36,687 --> 00:05:38,594
Have you ever 9/11'd anyone?
135
00:05:38,614 --> 00:05:39,954
- Nope.
- When you were a child,
136
00:05:39,972 --> 00:05:41,999
did you ever kill a
squirrel with a slingshot
137
00:05:42,023 --> 00:05:43,351
and was surprised
that you felt nothing
138
00:05:43,364 --> 00:05:46,083
and wondered if you were capable
of doing it to a human?
139
00:05:48,630 --> 00:05:49,861
No.
140
00:05:50,743 --> 00:05:51,990
Ooh.
141
00:05:52,023 --> 00:05:53,505
Do you and Troy
still actively use
142
00:05:53,530 --> 00:05:55,370
Jeff's Netflix account
without his permission?
143
00:05:55,396 --> 00:05:57,249
- Wait, what?
- You told Pierce that?
144
00:05:57,266 --> 00:05:59,467
You logged in at our place and
never logged out, so we use it.
145
00:05:59,486 --> 00:06:02,239
Is that why my review of The
Grey is constantly changing?
146
00:06:02,260 --> 00:06:04,644
- Yes, stop giving it four stars.
- I like Liam Neeson!
147
00:06:04,664 --> 00:06:06,240
Then send him a message
about the roles he chooses.
148
00:06:06,253 --> 00:06:08,519
Look, this is not the issue!
You're stealing from me!
149
00:06:08,542 --> 00:06:11,294
And as your roommate, you're
making me an accomplice.
150
00:06:11,316 --> 00:06:12,776
- I had no idea.
- Lie.
151
00:06:12,803 --> 00:06:14,483
Why would I even try that?
152
00:06:14,490 --> 00:06:17,065
- State your name please, Miss.
- Annie Edison.
153
00:06:17,088 --> 00:06:19,365
Miss Edison, did you use
your exceptional intelligence
154
00:06:19,382 --> 00:06:21,702
and organizational skills
to plot the foolproof
155
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:23,986
- murder of Pierce Hawthorne?
- Aww!
156
00:06:24,011 --> 00:06:25,404
And no.
157
00:06:25,430 --> 00:06:28,448
Is it true that you overcharged Troy
and Abed for their share of the rent?
158
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,574
- Pierce!
- Annie?
159
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:34,096
Yes, but for a good reason.
160
00:06:34,121 --> 00:06:36,018
You guys know you're
bad with money.
161
00:06:36,038 --> 00:06:37,979
I padded your share
of the rent by $10
162
00:06:37,999 --> 00:06:41,149
and I've been putting it into
a savings account that yields 4%.
163
00:06:41,162 --> 00:06:44,998
You'll be thanking me in six years
when you find out you have $86.
164
00:06:45,010 --> 00:06:47,762
- That's jacket money.
- Oh, did you hear that, Abed?
165
00:06:47,780 --> 00:06:50,220
We've been washing paper plates
and making our own toothpaste.
166
00:06:50,233 --> 00:06:51,360
But don't you worry.
167
00:06:51,373 --> 00:06:54,126
When we have robot bodies on the
moon, we can share a free jacket.
168
00:06:54,138 --> 00:06:56,306
Annie, you should know
better than to horde money.
169
00:06:56,317 --> 00:06:59,470
- That's a stereotype.
- Was that anti-semitism?
170
00:06:59,490 --> 00:07:01,065
No! That's sensitivity.
171
00:07:01,090 --> 00:07:03,035
It's anti-semitic to
do things like that
172
00:07:03,060 --> 00:07:04,667
when you know full
well you're Jewish.
173
00:07:04,686 --> 00:07:06,482
- Whoa.
- We could have bought a tire
174
00:07:06,502 --> 00:07:09,342
- for our tire swing with that money.
- Or your own Netflix account?
175
00:07:09,351 --> 00:07:11,324
- Liam Neeson? Not that great.
- Your rating system is flawed.
176
00:07:11,349 --> 00:07:12,796
As if you were ever
gonna get that.
177
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:16,776
All right!
178
00:07:18,544 --> 00:07:21,310
- Let's begin.
- Wait, wait.
179
00:07:21,699 --> 00:07:22,752
What do you mean, "begin"?
180
00:07:22,780 --> 00:07:24,940
That completes the calibration
round of questioning.
181
00:07:24,958 --> 00:07:26,387
We're ready to begin
the formal inquest.
182
00:07:26,410 --> 00:07:28,993
I think we're ready to end.
We've humored this long enough.
183
00:07:29,021 --> 00:07:30,268
Jeff...
184
00:07:30,293 --> 00:07:31,353
It's for Pierce.
185
00:07:31,363 --> 00:07:34,002
Look, respect for the
dead is only a thing
186
00:07:34,015 --> 00:07:36,583
because the dead usually
don't do any more damage.
187
00:07:36,603 --> 00:07:37,776
- Ah.
- That's true.
188
00:07:37,792 --> 00:07:39,626
You can quit any
time you like.
189
00:07:39,858 --> 00:07:43,362
But it should be noted that Mr. Hawthorne's
estate is worth over $20 million
190
00:07:43,384 --> 00:07:46,672
and only those cleared of his murder
can receive their bequeathments.
191
00:07:47,150 --> 00:07:48,714
I'm only gonna say this once.
192
00:07:49,129 --> 00:07:50,649
Clearly, Pierce is
trying to lure us
193
00:07:50,662 --> 00:07:54,568
into a labyrinth of emotional
manipulation and strategic instigation.
194
00:07:54,630 --> 00:07:56,217
And I think we're all
smart enough to know
195
00:07:56,242 --> 00:07:57,942
we should quit while
we're not ahead.
196
00:07:57,962 --> 00:07:59,755
- I do believe we should...
- Yes, definitely.
197
00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:01,702
- Quit while we're ahead.
- Absolutely. - Yep.
198
00:08:02,419 --> 00:08:03,439
They're all lying.
199
00:08:03,445 --> 00:08:05,812
We all know that,
you judgmental bitch!
200
00:08:12,531 --> 00:08:14,917
Miss Perry, have you ever
eaten at the sandwich shop
201
00:08:14,944 --> 00:08:17,276
started by Mrs. Bennet
and Mr. Hawthorne?
202
00:08:17,312 --> 00:08:20,046
- Yes. - And what sandwich would you
order from Shirley's Sandwiches?
203
00:08:20,061 --> 00:08:22,429
The only one I can, the
Helen of Soy with no mayo.
204
00:08:22,443 --> 00:08:24,583
- Helen of Soy. - Are you aware
that, in order to save money,
205
00:08:24,603 --> 00:08:26,813
Shirley stopped using real tofu
206
00:08:26,832 --> 00:08:31,191
and replaced it with a midwestern
tofu substitute called "meatfu"?
207
00:08:31,229 --> 00:08:35,662
- Oh, my God! Oh!
- It's still not actually meat... Legally.
208
00:08:35,688 --> 00:08:39,329
You have never respected
anything that I hold sacred!
209
00:08:39,350 --> 00:08:41,069
- I'm sorry!
- Shirley, did you know
210
00:08:41,082 --> 00:08:43,872
that Britta was high on marijuana
at your son's baptism?
211
00:08:44,821 --> 00:08:45,861
I'm sorry?
212
00:08:45,882 --> 00:08:48,508
- Well, no higher than usual.
- Not true.
213
00:08:48,524 --> 00:08:50,784
You did drugs in my church?
214
00:08:50,809 --> 00:08:53,336
No, I did drugs in the
parking lot of your church.
215
00:08:53,349 --> 00:08:56,075
How else do you expect somebody
to sit through something like that?
216
00:08:56,088 --> 00:08:58,495
At least with a bris there's
an element of suspense.
217
00:08:58,515 --> 00:09:01,213
Well, next time, I'll have
Cheech and Chong do the warm-up!
218
00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:05,115
Guys, these questions are obviously
designed to turn us against each other.
219
00:09:05,134 --> 00:09:06,914
If we want to beat
Pierce at his game,
220
00:09:06,942 --> 00:09:09,549
we have to own up to our
mistakes and forgive each other.
221
00:09:09,568 --> 00:09:12,442
Mr. Winger, is it true that you keep
trophies of your sexual conquests?
222
00:09:13,429 --> 00:09:16,537
In a church, Britta?
For shame.
223
00:09:16,601 --> 00:09:20,796
- It's where Jesus gets his mail.
- Answer the question, Adrian Grody!
224
00:09:20,856 --> 00:09:22,726
I know what Pierce
is referring to.
225
00:09:22,927 --> 00:09:26,010
I have a box of forgotten
items in my apartment.
226
00:09:26,036 --> 00:09:29,158
I happen to be a single male.
Visitors leave things.
227
00:09:29,180 --> 00:09:31,740
Is one of your trophies a
pair of Miss Perry's panties?
228
00:09:32,811 --> 00:09:35,013
You told me a hawk stole them!
229
00:09:35,039 --> 00:09:39,610
You exploited me and made me believe
in a slightly more magical world.
230
00:09:39,623 --> 00:09:41,572
If you want to collect women's
underwear, can't you just buy them?
231
00:09:41,601 --> 00:09:43,717
- They have to be won in battle.
- Blegh! Gross!
232
00:09:43,745 --> 00:09:45,185
- Jeffrey!
- Awesome.
233
00:09:45,206 --> 00:09:48,223
I think we can all agree
that the gross thing here
234
00:09:48,236 --> 00:09:49,783
is that Pierce is snooping
through my stuff.
235
00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:51,998
Not really, Abed and I go through
your stuff all the time.
236
00:09:52,020 --> 00:09:53,720
Why do you keep bread
in the freezer?
237
00:09:53,740 --> 00:09:56,100
And why does your bathroom mirror say,
"You're special," when you fog it up?
238
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,973
- Look, I don't have to answer these...
You took a shower? - Yeah.
239
00:09:58,994 --> 00:10:02,081
- Mr. Barnes.
- Okay! I did it! Okay? I killed Pierce!
240
00:10:02,150 --> 00:10:04,850
- Lie.
- Okay, good. Just making sure.
241
00:10:04,883 --> 00:10:06,680
You and Abed Nadir
have a specialized,
242
00:10:06,691 --> 00:10:09,243
exclusive handshake that you refuse
to do with your other friends?
243
00:10:09,264 --> 00:10:11,084
- Absolutely.
- Pew-pew.
244
00:10:11,115 --> 00:10:13,155
Mr. Barnes, did you invent
that handshake?
245
00:10:13,638 --> 00:10:15,705
- Yes.
- Lie.
246
00:10:15,725 --> 00:10:19,320
Mr. Barnes, are you a subscriber
to the video blog "Fun for Friends"?
247
00:10:19,332 --> 00:10:20,537
- No.
- Lie.
248
00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:22,388
Silence, wench!
249
00:10:23,336 --> 00:10:26,252
Hi, I'm Kevin, this is Kyle,
and here's a fun handshake
250
00:10:26,265 --> 00:10:28,216
you can do with
your best friend.
251
00:10:29,423 --> 00:10:31,216
All right! Thanks
for watching, guys.
252
00:10:31,234 --> 00:10:34,277
Don't forget to rate us,
comment, and subscribe.
253
00:10:34,377 --> 00:10:36,717
- Can't look at you right now.
- Then you should know I'm crying.
254
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,657
I forgive you, but only to
escape the established pattern
255
00:10:38,683 --> 00:10:41,660
of self-righteous indignation
followed by immediate comeuppance.
256
00:10:41,677 --> 00:10:43,885
- Mr. Nadir. - Okay, I guess
it's happening anyway.
257
00:10:43,891 --> 00:10:45,184
You broke my heart.
Continue.
258
00:10:45,201 --> 00:10:47,028
Is it true that you planted
geo-trafficking devices
259
00:10:47,048 --> 00:10:49,721
on everyone in the group so that you
would know where they are at all times?
260
00:10:49,741 --> 00:10:51,013
Yes.
261
00:10:53,462 --> 00:10:55,590
Okay, you guys are changing your faces.
Are you mad at me or hungry?
262
00:10:55,596 --> 00:10:58,941
You're tracking us?
We're mad at you, Abed.
263
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,967
- Why?
- Because we already live
264
00:11:00,987 --> 00:11:03,178
in a totalitarian
surveillance state.
265
00:11:03,202 --> 00:11:06,032
- Do you not read my status updates?
- But I'm not the Government.
266
00:11:06,057 --> 00:11:08,624
- I'm your friend. - That's what
governments say, nimrod.
267
00:11:08,644 --> 00:11:10,491
It's cool. When one of
you gets kidnapped,
268
00:11:10,511 --> 00:11:12,184
you'll be glad you
don't have to count
269
00:11:12,196 --> 00:11:13,837
the bumps on the highway
from the trunk of the car.
270
00:11:13,859 --> 00:11:15,919
- Are those blinking dots us?
- Mm-hmm.
271
00:11:15,949 --> 00:11:17,861
Well, what's this one
all the way to the side?
272
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,655
That's where Pierce is buried.
273
00:11:21,044 --> 00:11:24,503
Is that why you were spending
so much time by the coffin?
274
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,863
I was trying to get it back. They're
expensive. And he's not moving anymore.
275
00:11:26,872 --> 00:11:29,072
Abed, where did you
plant these things?
276
00:11:29,091 --> 00:11:30,864
If you makes you feel any
better, you'll never find them.
277
00:11:30,889 --> 00:11:34,156
I know you know it's wrong
to do that without telling us.
278
00:11:34,169 --> 00:11:36,595
- Shame on you!
- Okay, I'm ashamed.
279
00:11:36,615 --> 00:11:37,658
Lie.
280
00:11:37,671 --> 00:11:39,940
Miss Edison, is it true
you once secretly dosed
281
00:11:39,953 --> 00:11:43,107
the members of your study group
with a pharmaceutical amphetamine?
282
00:11:43,722 --> 00:11:45,225
Um...
283
00:11:47,559 --> 00:11:49,740
- Oh, uh, yes, kind of.
- What?
284
00:11:49,753 --> 00:11:52,369
It sounds worse on
paper than it was.
285
00:11:52,389 --> 00:11:55,756
We were cramming for the anthro final.
Everyone was falling asleep.
286
00:11:55,775 --> 00:11:59,922
I put 5 milligrams of something-something
in your coffees and we all got an "A."
287
00:11:59,942 --> 00:12:01,936
- Done! - I'm a bad person
for tracking your location,
288
00:12:01,956 --> 00:12:03,968
but you altered my
brain chemistry?
289
00:12:04,021 --> 00:12:06,586
I was up for three days that week.
I invented an entire language,
290
00:12:06,603 --> 00:12:07,853
you fliztbarping gitzgorg.
291
00:12:07,877 --> 00:12:09,537
- I'm sorry.
- You messed with my brain.
292
00:12:09,550 --> 00:12:11,229
That's a big deal.
This is a big deal.
293
00:12:11,235 --> 00:12:12,502
I don't mess with
your brain, Annie.
294
00:12:12,515 --> 00:12:14,256
- You kind of do.
- I don't think I do.
295
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:15,555
What about her
Facebook boyfriend?
296
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:16,588
- What?
- That's different.
297
00:12:16,609 --> 00:12:20,245
You made a profile for a fake dude and
lured her into an online relationship.
298
00:12:20,271 --> 00:12:21,895
He's catfishing you.
299
00:12:22,267 --> 00:12:25,454
You're Olympic pole-vaulting
hopeful Brent Underjaw?
300
00:12:25,467 --> 00:12:27,094
I noticed whenever you
were in a relationship,
301
00:12:27,114 --> 00:12:28,806
you hummed a lot and made
pancakes in the morning.
302
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:31,268
It wasn't about hurting you. I did
what I did in the name of breakfast.
303
00:12:31,283 --> 00:12:34,124
I bore my soul to you!
304
00:12:34,148 --> 00:12:37,663
I told you about my holding
hands at Disneyland fantasy.
305
00:12:37,682 --> 00:12:40,538
Do you care about
people at all, Abed?
306
00:12:40,558 --> 00:12:42,619
Answer on the polygraph!
307
00:12:43,413 --> 00:12:46,387
Jeff made me apply for handicapped
parking so he can get a better spot.
308
00:12:46,675 --> 00:12:49,250
Britta's the one that invited
Garrett to Annie's birthday party!
309
00:12:49,283 --> 00:12:51,383
Troy won't sit on a
toilet seat after Jeff!
310
00:12:51,409 --> 00:12:54,041
When we're alone, Shirley refers
to you guys as "those people."
311
00:12:54,060 --> 00:12:57,147
Oh! When Annie's with other females,
dude, she calls Jeff her uncle!
312
00:12:57,173 --> 00:12:58,721
Shirley thinks we're
all going to hell!
313
00:12:58,747 --> 00:13:00,656
- You are all going to hell!
- Oh, what?
314
00:13:04,401 --> 00:13:05,435
Guys, stop!
315
00:13:05,448 --> 00:13:08,733
We have to stop letting Pierce
do this to us!
316
00:13:08,758 --> 00:13:12,431
Mr. Hawthorne hasn't asked a question
in quite some time, Mr. Winger.
317
00:13:13,457 --> 00:13:14,850
He's right.
318
00:13:15,176 --> 00:13:17,992
I actually forgot for a
second that Pierce was dead.
319
00:13:18,021 --> 00:13:19,854
Maybe that's what he wanted.
320
00:13:19,876 --> 00:13:22,576
Or maybe he wanted us to know
we're no better off without him.
321
00:13:22,599 --> 00:13:24,555
Or no better than him.
322
00:13:24,857 --> 00:13:26,027
Hmm.
323
00:13:26,507 --> 00:13:28,275
He kind of nailed it,
didn't he?
324
00:13:28,738 --> 00:13:31,242
I didn't just masturbate
in the study room.
325
00:13:31,532 --> 00:13:34,792
I masturbated everywhere.
326
00:13:34,811 --> 00:13:37,594
Everywhere!
327
00:13:39,805 --> 00:13:41,218
Huh...
328
00:13:41,685 --> 00:13:43,909
Confession is good
for the soul.
329
00:13:44,413 --> 00:13:46,262
You should try it sometime.
330
00:13:51,969 --> 00:13:54,742
There's another round of questions,
if you'd like to continue.
331
00:13:54,756 --> 00:13:57,306
You want to give us a moment
to sit in our own filth
332
00:13:57,327 --> 00:13:58,838
before you heap
another bucket on us?
333
00:13:58,858 --> 00:14:00,769
It's strange after
all these years
334
00:14:00,794 --> 00:14:02,814
how much we've kept
hidden from each other.
335
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,500
You'd think by now we would have
learned to be better people.
336
00:14:05,523 --> 00:14:07,098
I think we got into
this mess by thinking
337
00:14:07,123 --> 00:14:09,448
there was such a thing
as better people.
338
00:14:10,545 --> 00:14:11,738
Wait.
339
00:14:12,342 --> 00:14:13,530
That's it.
340
00:14:13,830 --> 00:14:15,100
If we're no better than Pierce,
341
00:14:15,113 --> 00:14:17,753
and Pierce is no worse than
us, then that means...
342
00:14:17,849 --> 00:14:19,620
Nobody's really that bad.
343
00:14:19,728 --> 00:14:21,443
So what if we're
willing to suffer
344
00:14:21,458 --> 00:14:25,393
and inflict pain at the mere
prospect of material reward?
345
00:14:25,411 --> 00:14:27,605
If we stop now, that
doesn't make us better.
346
00:14:27,625 --> 00:14:30,905
It just makes us so dishonest
that we would rather be poor
347
00:14:30,926 --> 00:14:32,519
than admit we're flawed.
348
00:14:32,537 --> 00:14:36,597
Pierce admitted he was
flawed, and he died rich.
349
00:14:36,665 --> 00:14:40,585
Let's celebrate his life and
death in the honest way,
350
00:14:40,606 --> 00:14:42,966
not by saying fake nice
things around a casket,
351
00:14:42,985 --> 00:14:45,121
but by admitting
we're monsters
352
00:14:45,143 --> 00:14:48,469
and clawing joyfully
for some of his cash.
353
00:14:48,769 --> 00:14:52,340
So does anybody have anything
left before we continue?
354
00:14:53,008 --> 00:14:56,715
Let's empty our tanks of
lies once and for all.
355
00:14:56,737 --> 00:14:59,271
I'm Jeff Winger, and
if I had my choice,
356
00:14:59,297 --> 00:15:02,871
I would rather look at myself naked
than the women I sleep with.
357
00:15:03,378 --> 00:15:06,132
I'm the one who hit
Jeff's Lexus in the parking lot.
358
00:15:06,151 --> 00:15:08,190
It wasn't a taco truck,
and it was racist of me
359
00:15:08,203 --> 00:15:10,398
to improvise such an
ethnically specific vehicle.
360
00:15:10,418 --> 00:15:13,225
I only give money to homeless people
when I'm walking with someone.
361
00:15:13,258 --> 00:15:15,258
I've never been to Legoland.
362
00:15:15,397 --> 00:15:17,470
I just wanted you guys
to think I was cool.
363
00:15:17,486 --> 00:15:20,033
I can be passive-aggressive
sometimes.
364
00:15:20,658 --> 00:15:23,602
Don't everybody disagree at once.
Oh, Lord, I did it again.
365
00:15:23,624 --> 00:15:25,442
When any of you chew gum,
I want to punch you.
366
00:15:25,464 --> 00:15:28,504
You may as well have submachine guns
in your mouths. It vibrates my skull.
367
00:15:28,691 --> 00:15:31,337
Everybody clear?
All right.
368
00:15:31,766 --> 00:15:34,636
Mr. Stone, hit us with
your grand finale.
369
00:15:34,707 --> 00:15:37,167
May it be as brutal
as we deserve.
370
00:15:37,192 --> 00:15:38,373
Very well.
371
00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:40,983
Mr. Hawthorne's final
round of questions.
372
00:15:41,258 --> 00:15:42,829
Britta Perry...
373
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:46,010
Do you know that you hate
yourself more than you should
374
00:15:46,031 --> 00:15:48,469
and that your passion
inspired me?
375
00:15:49,210 --> 00:15:50,393
No.
376
00:15:50,476 --> 00:15:52,070
That's true.
She didn't know.
377
00:15:52,101 --> 00:15:54,928
To Miss Perry,
I leave my iPod Nano
378
00:15:54,949 --> 00:15:57,956
filled with music to take
life less seriously by.
379
00:15:57,970 --> 00:15:59,863
Oh, that's nice.
380
00:15:59,979 --> 00:16:03,866
I also leave you this liquid nitrogen
cooled cylinder of my hyper-virile sperm
381
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:06,109
in case your lesbian
lifestyle one day wears out
382
00:16:06,135 --> 00:16:08,593
and you wish to raise
an army of geniuses.
383
00:16:09,409 --> 00:16:10,897
- Shirley...
- Hmm?
384
00:16:10,922 --> 00:16:12,380
Did you know that you
are not only a credit
385
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,815
to your race and gender,
but to our species,
386
00:16:14,825 --> 00:16:18,003
and that I was intimidated by your
strength of character and business acumen?
387
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:19,012
Yes.
388
00:16:19,025 --> 00:16:22,205
To Shirley Bennett, I leave my
spacious timeshare in Florida...
389
00:16:22,227 --> 00:16:22,952
Oh!
390
00:16:22,971 --> 00:16:25,808
Where she can take What's-his-name and
however many children she has now.
391
00:16:25,822 --> 00:16:28,789
- Uh-huh. - I also leave you
a cylinder of my sperm.
392
00:16:28,961 --> 00:16:30,141
Oh.
393
00:16:30,228 --> 00:16:31,619
Annie Edison...
394
00:16:32,278 --> 00:16:34,295
Did you know that you
were always my favorite?
395
00:16:34,308 --> 00:16:35,642
You mentioned it once, but...
396
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:38,829
I leave you this tiara, which
you once refused to accept.
397
00:16:38,850 --> 00:16:40,886
It's the same tiara I used
to wear when my mother
398
00:16:40,899 --> 00:16:43,602
would verbally assault me for
not being a little girl.
399
00:16:43,926 --> 00:16:45,279
Also sperm.
400
00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:48,194
Jeff Winger, did you
know you're gay?
401
00:16:48,220 --> 00:16:50,411
- No.
- Agree to disagree.
402
00:16:50,662 --> 00:16:53,101
To you, I leave this
bottle of fine scotch
403
00:16:53,128 --> 00:16:57,049
so that you're less tempted to drink
this cylinder of even finer sperm.
404
00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,882
Abed Nadir, did you know
that you are insane
405
00:16:59,888 --> 00:17:02,233
and nothing that you said
ever made any sense to me?
406
00:17:02,251 --> 00:17:04,091
- Yep.
- Here's your sperm.
407
00:17:04,302 --> 00:17:06,087
Troy Barnes,
408
00:17:06,105 --> 00:17:08,959
did you know that you possess the
greatest gift life can give...
409
00:17:09,344 --> 00:17:10,973
The heart of a hero...
410
00:17:11,369 --> 00:17:14,412
And that it's up to you not
to waste it like I did?
411
00:17:15,992 --> 00:17:17,025
I think.
412
00:17:17,046 --> 00:17:19,849
To Troy,
I leave the obligatory sperm.
413
00:17:21,416 --> 00:17:23,683
Maybe it's because
everyone else got one,
414
00:17:23,706 --> 00:17:26,259
and because it's an
old man's semen,
415
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:29,419
but, um, I'm kind
of disappointed.
416
00:17:30,186 --> 00:17:32,500
In addition, I am prepared
to leave Troy Barnes
417
00:17:32,513 --> 00:17:35,218
my remaining shares in the
Hawthorne Wipes company,
418
00:17:35,241 --> 00:17:37,955
currently valued
at $14.3 million.
419
00:17:40,232 --> 00:17:41,921
On one condition.
420
00:17:42,515 --> 00:17:45,762
You must first sail my boat,
the Childish Tycoon,
421
00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:48,496
by yourself around
the entire world.
422
00:17:48,517 --> 00:17:50,701
- What?
- Again with the bait and switch.
423
00:17:50,722 --> 00:17:53,050
When I was 23,
my father asked me
424
00:17:53,063 --> 00:17:55,994
to do the same thing to earn
my adulthood and his fortune.
425
00:17:56,011 --> 00:17:58,150
Of course I cheated and floated
off the coast of Belize
426
00:17:58,170 --> 00:18:00,249
for a year doing coke
with John Denver.
427
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:01,629
I always regretted it.
428
00:18:01,650 --> 00:18:04,664
I'd like to give you a chance
to do what I never did -
429
00:18:05,091 --> 00:18:07,057
Become your own man.
430
00:18:07,717 --> 00:18:09,457
Okay, I'm a lawyer, Troy.
431
00:18:09,479 --> 00:18:13,338
It should be possible to contest
these conditions as unreasonable...
432
00:18:13,364 --> 00:18:16,071
- I'll do it. - And Pierce can take his
mind games and his sperm and he can put...
433
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,482
I'll do it.
434
00:18:17,587 --> 00:18:18,910
What?
435
00:18:20,315 --> 00:18:21,462
Troy?
436
00:18:21,493 --> 00:18:24,127
Pierce was a crazy
old coot, yeah, but
437
00:18:24,808 --> 00:18:28,434
I think he knew something about me
that even I didn't know until now.
438
00:18:28,848 --> 00:18:32,592
Because he's offering me something
I've been searching for
439
00:18:32,643 --> 00:18:34,137
my whole life.
440
00:18:35,830 --> 00:18:37,806
Millions of dollars.
441
00:18:38,572 --> 00:18:41,742
And being a man
or whatever he said.
442
00:18:41,917 --> 00:18:44,399
Jeff, say something.
443
00:18:46,155 --> 00:18:47,853
I'm speechless.
444
00:18:49,584 --> 00:18:51,686
Somebody say something!
445
00:18:51,948 --> 00:18:53,331
Abed?
446
00:18:56,763 --> 00:18:58,330
Cool.
447
00:18:58,355 --> 00:18:59,979
Cool, cool, cool.
448
00:19:00,489 --> 00:19:02,140
That's a lie.
449
00:19:12,521 --> 00:19:16,895
And then that sperm came down,
I mean, I couldn't say anything!
450
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:20,140
But oh, my God!
I was gonna explode!
451
00:19:20,153 --> 00:19:22,919
And then that one,
that last question,
452
00:19:22,937 --> 00:19:25,610
with all of that nice
stuff out on the table,
453
00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:28,544
and you guys were having this discussion
about whether or not to quit?
454
00:19:28,563 --> 00:19:31,131
At first, I was like,
"Aaaaah!"
455
00:19:31,169 --> 00:19:33,795
But you did it!
You did it!
456
00:19:33,822 --> 00:19:35,682
It was amazing!
457
00:19:35,710 --> 00:19:38,095
You're amazing, man!
You're amazing!
458
00:19:38,115 --> 00:19:40,100
Guys, this is the best.
459
00:19:40,481 --> 00:19:42,495
We should do this every week.
460
00:19:42,794 --> 00:19:44,834
Oh, I'm a fun guy, you know?
461
00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:46,957
I mean, you talk about lying.
462
00:19:46,981 --> 00:19:50,622
I was lying the whole time.
This is who I really am. This is me.
463
00:19:50,628 --> 00:19:53,042
This is the real me.
I'm artistic.
464
00:19:53,055 --> 00:19:56,716
Ideas come to me
all the time.
465
00:19:56,722 --> 00:19:58,836
I have this idea for a movie.
466
00:19:58,862 --> 00:20:01,493
It's about this guy who
oversees polygraph tests,
467
00:20:01,521 --> 00:20:04,338
and the biggest obstacle
is how good-looking he is.
468
00:20:04,344 --> 00:20:06,861
People can't focus
and tell the truth.
469
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:08,554
It's unbelievable.
470
00:20:08,763 --> 00:20:12,530
By the way, uh, we never
found out how Pierce died.
471
00:20:12,549 --> 00:20:15,110
Oh, my God. I can't believe
I didn't tell you yet.
472
00:20:15,635 --> 00:20:20,015
It was dehydration from filling
up all of those cylinders.
473
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:23,376
I mean, it's how I want to go,
but, hey, I'm a little nutty.
474
00:20:23,399 --> 00:20:24,819
Mmm!
475
00:20:25,227 --> 00:20:27,476
Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?
476
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,456
Shots!
477
00:20:29,712 --> 00:20:36,712
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