All language subtitles for Stuck.Like.Chuck.2009.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG2_English

I fucking hate Hollywood!

What is it now?

I don't fucking believe this.

I thought it was just a rumor on Ain't It Cool News

but apparently they want to
make a BACK TO THE FUTURE 4.

Yeah, I heard about that.

You have?

Yeah.

It's going to be about Marty McFly going back to the future to stop himself from getting Parkinson's.

Dude! That's so not cool.

What?

What did I tell you about jokes
involving disabilities and diseases?

Leave it to the Farrelly Brothers
and South Park.

Exactly.

You have to admit though, that joke last week about why people in wheelchairs wear shoes was pretty funny.

No, it wasn't.

Ok, I'm sorry my dark sense
of humor offends you.

Why don't you go ahead and continue whatever it is
you were ranting about before I interrupted.

I was just saying that I hate how Hollywood
can't make any original movies anymore.

Everything is either a remake or a sequel

or an adaptation of an already popular book

or graphic novel or old TV show.

I can promise you that when
I'm a successful filmmaker.

I will never make where these
pre-sold franchise flicks.

There are like no original ideas anymore.

Thank God for indie movies.

I don't know.
Most indie movies suck.

And yeah, I think you shall take this to heart.

A famous director once, um, his name was
Jon Jon Ce Cera Mo Mo.

I believe it was French. French director.
Once said...

Don't give 'em everything you got in one shot.

That's what I like to live by.

I don't like to just throw out all my...

All my stuff.

Sorry I'm late.

0h hi, welcome.

Thank you for joining us.

And actually no, I'm glad you're late.
You know why?

Because I don't like starting my class
unless everybody is here. On time.

So the later you come, honestly the better for me because then I don't have to start the class.

Good, so we're on the same page then?

We're on the same page.
What's your name again?

Rob.

Well Rob, everybody else, I'd like you to watch the monitors. Have a little video to show you.

Great! I thought I missed it.

Okay, enjoy it.

Wake me when it's over.

Greetings! I'm Professor Lloyd Kaufman
and today we're going to talk about

a very very important rule about
filmmaking.

When you're making your own damn movie
you've got to be sure

to adhere to the 180 degree rule.

Otherwise known as the
"Crossing The Line" rule.

This is a very very important rule.

Lets say you're filming with Girl A.

Now Girl A is over here on the left.

And Boy B.

Boy B is over here on the right.

I've drawn these very beautiful
illustrations to point out

you must keep them on the same side.
They must remain consistent.

Once you set up your frame. Once you set
up the ratios within your frame.

You must keep Girl A

constantly on the consistent side
of the 180 degree line.

And you must keep Boy B
consistently on the 180-

On his side of the 180 degree line.

Perhaps this rule comes into play
in an even more important

manner when you are dealing with
movement.

If you've got a character walking from
screen right to screen left

and you break the 180 rule. You
film the wrong way.

He'll suddenly start walking from
screen right to screen left.

Then screen left to screen right.

He's walking this way in one shot.

And then he's walking that way
in the other shot.

So it's gonna look goofy.

Never gonna get anywhere.

He won't make any progress!

The only time you can break this rule.

Occasionally you can break it. The only
real time you can break this rule.

Is when you show the audience that the
camera is actually crossing the line.

If you show that.

If the camera shows the viewers that it is

changing the line. That it is moving across
and crossing the line

then it's acceptable.

But otherwise

you must adhere to this. You must put a
line right down the noses of the-

Whoops!
Erased a little bit but that's okay because

in the filmmaking world,
improvisation is alright.

You have to put a line right down their noses

and make sure they don't
cross the wrong way.

You! Remember,
when you're making your own damn movie

Don't break the rule!

Do not break it!

[snoring]

Alright! That's it!

It's over!

That's it. Oh man.

Riveting, huh?

Alright, any questions?

No? Ok.

Yeah, what's your name again?

Jerry.

Jerry... yeah?

Could you give us a little more detail about this topic?

No Jerry, I don't think I have to go on any more detail. Were you watching the video?

I think all the details were in the video.

Yeah, but like, could you give us, like,
some real-world examples

or maybe something from your
own personal experience?

You know, I could.

I could expound for a good hour
about my experiences.

In film and in the industry.
I've had quite a few.

And that might be very interesting
and perhaps helpful too.

But I don't think that's point of this class.

I think the point here is precision.

So if you have a precise question
you want to ask me.

One that is covered in the manual and
that you could look up the answer for

why don't we go with that?

Ok. Any other questions?

Any answers? I always use that one.

Any questions? Any answers?

[Forced laughter]

Yes, Juliet.
I can always remember your name.

I'm having some trouble with this in my video
and I was wondering if

somebody could maybe just take a look at it...

[Love song plays]

Charlie?

Charlie? Charlie?

CHARLIE!

[laughs]

Charlie.

Do you think maybe you could help
Juliet out in the editing bay?

She's having a little trouble with crossing the line.

Um, yeah sure.

Good. Good for you.

Alright! Well okay, I think that about
wraps it up for me

unless there are any more questions
and I don't think there are?

Christ, you got a problem.

You really do. Why don't you take the manual that comes with the video, go in the other room, look it up and get your answer...

So what's the problem you're having with your movie and the 180 degree rule?

Oh no, I get the rule. I just couldn't stand staying in
that fucking classroom any longer.

Oh okay.

He never says anything that isn't explained
better in the textbook anyway.

Yeah, I completely agree.

Yeah, I thought you would. Looked like you could
use a little rescuing over there.

And I know he always makes you help me out.

Well thanks but he doesn't make me help you.

I mean, if you needed help and he didn't call on me

I'd still help you.

Aw thanks, that's sweet.

Actually, I do kinda need help with something.

I made some changes and filmed some more since last week when you showed me how to add that effect.

And I was wondering if you could maybe take a look at the footage and let me know what you think?

Yeah. Sure. Ok.

So she said she wanted to rescue you?

Yeah.

Those were her exact words?

Yeah.

She so wants you inside her.

Rob!

Chuck!

When are you going to stop calling me Chuck?

Maybe when you stop acting like
such a loser Charlie Brown.

I'm not a loser.

Says Mr. I have to get to class early
so I can rearrange the seats

so I can get a better view of the girl I've had
a hard on for since the first day I met

but am still too afraid to talk outside of class.

Fuck you, I've talked to her outside.

When?

On the first day. I told you.
I helped her move in.

Thank you!

I'm so sorry.

[intense vibrating coming from bag]

Oh my God!

That's just my electric toothbrush.

Oh, ok.

Um, Charlie.

Oh hi, I'm Juliet.

My dad's a dentist.

Hey, thank you!

Oh gimme a break.
You helped her with her bag.

Nothing came from it.
You were like a bellboy to her.

I wasn't like a bellboy.

Oh please. I'm surprised
she didn't give you a tip.

Well there was still that other time
I told you about.

Hey Charlie!

Oh, uh, Juliet... Hi.

Hi.

Hey, how was your winter vacation?

Oh, good. Good.

Oh, um, how was yours?

It was good.

What did you end up getting in Comm 101?

Oh, I got an A.

Me too.

Congratulations.

Thanks. You too.

Do you have an appointment to get
your schedule approved now?

Yeah, um. I mean, I would stay and talk...

Oh no, I totally understand.
I just finished mine.

There's like no one in there right now
so it's like a perfect time to go.

Oh okay.

Well thanks.

Hopefully, we'll... uh, have class
together again sometime.

Yeah. That would be nice.

OK. I can't believe you'd even brag about that one.

You had a smile on your face when
you told me word for word

one of the most pathetic exchanges
of words, I've ever heard.

Oh, come on. It wasn't that bad

Are you kidding me?

I only called it an exchange of words because I don't think it even qualifies as a conversation.

It could have been a conversation if you stayed a little longer but, oh no, you were in a big rush.

I had an important meeting with
the Student Advisor.

There is no such thing as an important
meeting with our Student Advisor.

Our Student Advisor
is a large cocksprout.

I know. It's pathetic

Yeah, you are pathetic.

I didn't say I'm pathetic.
I said it's pathetic.

Whatever.

So... what'd you do in there the whole time?

What?

Well you were in there with her for like
half an hour until class ended.

What'd you do the whole time?

Do you even care?

Eh, I'm bored.

Ok, well I didn't tell you the best part.

She let me to watch her movie and when it was over, she asked me if it was too much like CLERKS.?

Was it?

A little but you're missing the point.

Which is?

She likes CLERKS. And on top of that she says that she's heavily influenced by Kevin Smith.

Isn't he the director you like?

Like? He's my idol.
I worship him.

I hope to be half as good as him one day.
I have all of his movies on DVD autographed.

I have all of his books autographed.
I have his lecture DVDs.

I own his inaction figures, his comic books.
I've been to three of his Q&A's.

I met the guy seven times and interviewed him twice.
I have this letter from him

signed wishing me luck on my filmmaking career.

So he is the director you like?

Yeah.

Why didn't you just answer yes or no?
You didn't have to go into that big rant.

You like the guy. She likes the guy.
That's great.

No, you don't understand.

I've never met a smart attractive girl my age who's interested in the same stuff that I'm into.

So she's like your Tina Fey.

What?

Tina Fey from SNL.

Yeah, and 30 Rock.
What about her?

She's smart, she's funny and she's hot.
You know, not in the traditional way but

you know, I'd rip that pantsuit right off of her

and then I'd have sex with her.

Ok and your point is?

My point is that you're not like most guys.

You're not out there looking for cheap meaningless sex with hot blondes that are all tits and no wits.

You're not out there looking for the
Britneys or the Jessicas.

You are out there looking for the Tina Feys of the world, and you found yours.

Ok. So that kinda makes sense.

I do like Tina Fey.

Who doesn't?

Ok so I've been searching for my Tina Fey
and now that I've finally found her.

I can't even talk to her outside that classroom.
Thanks, this is really making me feel better.

Well, do you want to know what your problem is?

Sure, tell me.

You're putting the
pussy on a pedestal.

I hate when you quote that movie to me.

Listen, I'm just trying to help you out here.

Stop making such a big fucking deal about this.
Next time you're in the editing bay helping her out.

Because you know he's going to send you in there,
talk to her about stuff besides movies.

See if she wants to go have a cup of coffee
with you after class.

You know what?
I'm gonna try that.

No, you won't.

Hey, thanks again for all your help.
How can I ever repay you?

Oh, you don't have to do anything.

Are you doing anything right now?
Like after class?

No, not really.
Just going back to my room.

Oh great, remember before when you said you had that song that would be perfect for the end scene?

Yeah?

Well I'm like really anxious to hear it.
I don't think I can wait till next week.

Do you think I could maybe come back with you to your room and you can grab the CD for me?

Yeah. Sure. That sounds great.

Great. I'm just going to give my roommate a call
and let her know I'm going to be a little bit late.

I have to go to the bathroom though. It's like the
only place I get service on this floor.

Well I usually walk back with my roommate
so I'll just tell him you're coming with us.

Ok cool, I'll meet you two by the elevators.

Ok.

Class is over!

What?

Class is over.

Oh. Ok.

What the fuck are you smiling about?

Juliet is coming back to the room with us.

What? Why?

Because I have a song that would be good in her movie.

And she wants to hear it now.

This is major!

No. No. No. No. Come on. Out. Out.
I gotta lock up.

Lets go. Come on. Move it.
Bop. Bop. Bop. Bop.

This is major!
She definitely wants some Charlie inside her brown.

Oh shut up.

She wants a Chuck Fuck.

Seriously, stop it.

Think about it. She doesn't need it now.
You could've brought it in next week.

She said she was too anxious
to wait until next week.

Oh man, she wants it bad.

She's substituting the CD to mean sex.

No, I think you're the only one doing that.

Whatever dude, I'm gonna get out of your face
so you two can have some alone time.

If I'm right, which I am, and you're getting some,
which you are, put your jackoff sock on the doorknob.

I don't have a jackoff sock!

Yeah, sure you don't. I 've seen it alright.

Rob, where are you going?

- You'll thank me later!
- Rob?

Chuck Fuck!

- Charlie!
- Hi.

Hey, where's your roommate?

Um, he said he had to go do something so, yeah,
he had something to go do.

Okay.

Um, if you don't want to go with me.
Like just me, I completely understand.

No, it's no big deal.
It's fine.

You didn't press the elevator button.

Oh, um, I don't take elevators.

What?

I don't take elevators.

But it's like 10 floors.

I know, it's just... it's a long story.
I don't want to waste your time with it.

Usually I just take the stairs.

And my roommate takes the elevator
cause he's too lazy to walk so...

Well I'm not too lazy.
We'll use the stairs.

No, you don't have to.
You can take the elevator and meet me.

It's no big deal. I can use the exercise.
Plus, we can talk.

I hate being elevators all alone.
It's so quiet I just want to scream.

[Awkward Silence]

Well this is it.

So I'm guessing this is your bed.

You'd be wrong.

Are you kidding?

I just didn't picture you having all these

naked pictures of girls on your wall.

Oh, no those aren't my pictures.

And that's not my side of the room.
That's just my bed.

This is my side of the room.

I don't get it.

Well I sleep in that bed but these are
my posters and that's my desk.

Ok, I get that but I don't understand why.

I know. I guess it's a little weird.

- Well you have a roommate right?
- Yeah

- And do you talk a lot?
- Yeah.

And when you're talking, are you usually sitting up in your beds facing each other?

Yeah, I guess we are.

Ok, so what we did was we switched our beds
so when we talk

I see my movie posters and he sees his.

That's so funny.

I like that. It's kind of weird but it totally makes sense.

So this is your bed and this is your wall.
And that's your dresser.

Yep, that's where I keep the other 9 of these shirts.

OK. So you have more than one of those.

Yeah! Yeah, well I made a bunch of them to
promote my film company.

Remember I told you I work
as a part-time videographer.

Yeah.

And you also work part time at the library, right?

Yes. But the thing with the shirt is, you know,
I figure if I wear them all the time

it's kind of like advertising.

A walking advertisement. So that's why
you dress like a cartoon character?

A cartoon character?

Yeah, cartoon characters.
They wear the same thing week after week.

Oh ok, yeah. As opposed to people in sitcoms who never wear the same thing twice.

Right.

So what kinds of things do you two talk about?

Is your dick lined up with your belly button?

Cause mine's a little to the left
and I was wondering if I should be concerned.

We talk about all kinds of things.

Ok?

- Oh, the CD.
- Oh, right.

I guess I'm lucky you're one of the only people
that doesn't have an ipod at college.

I have an ipod. I just prefer to buy a CD rather than download it from itunes.

Oh yeah, that's awesome. It seems like everybody today just downloads them off the school network for free.

They'd say you were an idiot if you bought it.

Well I'm not an idiot otherwise
I wouldn't be able to give you this.

Thanks.

Hey, I didn't mean to call you idiot.
I was just saying that other people would.

That came out totally wrong.
I mean...

I buy my music too.

That's good.

Oh, it's, um, it's track 7.

Oh, ok. 7. Thanks.

Hey listen, I heard about this new club
that's opening in...

Oh yeah, I'm not much of a club person.

Oh yeah. Yeah, I wasn't gonna go either.

Wait what. Were you like asking?

Oh, no no no no.
I was just talking out loud.

Just saying I heard about this club.

Oh.

If this were a TV show, this would probably be the moment where the rommate walks in

to break up the awkward silence.

Yes!

Guess that's not happening.

No.

I'm gonna get going.

Oh ok.

Listen, thank you so much
for letting me borrow that CD.

Yeah, sure.

I'll see you next week.

See you.

I am the biggest fucking idiot ever.

[cellphone rings]

You really are.

I really am what?

The biggest fucking idiot ever.

What? How did you hear that?

I heard the whole thing.

She so wanted you and you so blew it.

I know. I don't like clubbing.
What am I? An ass?

I love clubbing. I go clubbing all the time.
I go clubbing more than the Geico cavemen.

No, you don't.

I know but I should have said I do.

Yeah, you should have.

Wait a minute.
Where are you?

I'm in the closet.

Yeah, I was actually thinking of popping out when you said that roommate shit but I'm locked in.

I hate this fucking bullshit with the doors that can only be locked or unlocked from the outside.

Do you want me to let you out?

No, I'm in here. Mind's well make the best of it.

[Bong hit]

When I get out though,
we have some serious planning to do.

Hey Chuck! On second thought,
could you just chuck a bag... [laughs]

chuck a bag of Doritos in here
cause your names Chuck.

I'll eat them.
And we'll talk in the morning.

So I've thought a lot about this last night
and I've decided I want to help you get the girl.

Oh well thanks but...

No, just listen. Hear me out.
I know I've joked around a lot about this in the past

But I heard everything last night.

While you were in the closet?

Yes, while I was in the closet.
Are you gonna let me finish Chuck?

Stop calling me Chuck.

So like I was saying Chuck. I heard what she said to you and, for some strange reason, she seems to like you.

You really think so?

Yeah, I really do. At first I thought you had a crush on her and that she was just leading you on

because you're so desperate and pathetic

but after last night. Man, I never heard a
girl seem so nervous before.

She was like... you.

Oh well thanks.

Look all I'm saying is that she seems to like you.

And add that to the fact that she is the
same taste in movies and music as you

And you got yourself a real winner.
So I wanna help you.

Wow, you actually sound serious.

I'm not used to this side of you.

Must be the weather.
It's fuckin' freezing for April.

Yeah well, it was hot up until Christmas so.

Fucking Al Gore.

You got some mustard on your face.

Do I?

Yeah.

Hold this.

Take my dog.

Alright.

I think your face is clean.

It's not... Alright?

It's not clean Chuck!

Now it's clean.

Hey, where the hell were you?

I thought you were going to miss class tonight and screw me over.

I'd never screw you. You're not my type

Sorry if I had you worried but I was just in the
library discovering a new type of porn.

What?

It's called Poser Porn and it's great.

You create these character animations and you can
put them in poses and camera angles.

And I'm talking you can choose any camera angle.

It's like watching The Sims
do some hardcore fucking.

That's sick. Now you're jacking off to video games.

No way man. This is high tech.

This is the wave of the future in porn. The graphics are going to be Pixar quality pretty soon.

Just imagine watching Woody and Buzz double team Princess Fiona and Little Bo Peep.

While Shrek and Donkey do a little
experimenting of their own.

Ok please stop degrading my two
favorite kids movies.

Alright, I'll tell you more about it tomorrow.
I'll even show you the lady I created.

I call her Princess Tittybags.

You decided whether or not you gonna do this?

I don't know.
I'm still thinking about it.

Ok, make it happen. Just make sure
you're here by 11:45.

Don't worry, I already wrote a note earlier today
to remind myself.

Forget it. What are we doing?

How do we even know he's going to let us out early?

Hey, you leave that up to me.

[snoring]

Teach!

Ah! What? Who?

What?

You're tired. I'm tired.
The class is tired.

We should just cut out early today.
Cut it off. Make a clean break.

Well what time you got?
What time is it? Late?

It's late. For sure.

Alright. Well you're probably right.

Ok folks, that about wraps it up
for today.

Thank you all for coming. I hope you all
enjoyed what I had to say. And...

And I hope you take it to heart
and take what I have to say and...

And apply it not only to your
filmmaking but...

But to life.

Inspiring.

Whatever.

Oh Jesus, what a dream.

Hey, thanks again for that song.
I think it was perfect.

Oh yeah, sure. No problem.

Where'd you find that band?
I'd never heard of them before.

Well actually I have to give credit to Rob on that one.

He's always making me listen to these songs
from these indie bands he finds.

He kind of wants to make a career
on discovering new talent.

Well if they're all that good
maybe he should do that.

Well no, that's the problem.
Usually they either suck or

they sing comedy songs about sex.
This was kind of a rare occurrence.

He actually didn't even like these guys.

He threw me the CD one night and said
this is that loser rock crap you like.

Well you have to remind me to
thank Rob when I see him.

Will do.

[crash]

DAMMIT!

What's wrong?

Why are the lights off?

Oh my God!
Are you ok?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm fine.

That's good.

Charlie...

I think it's locked.

What time do you Charlie?

Um, five to.

So why would he lock up?

What's the matter? It's not working?

No. The lock is working.
That's the problem.

HELLO!
Hey, is anybody out there?

Hello?

Fuck.

This is like a bad movie.

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Juliet, I hate to be the bearer of bad news
but this is the department's early night.

And we're the last class so if the professor left
then we're the only ones on this floor.

Are you kidding me?

Fuck!

What about you?

No, nothing.

More bars in more places my ass.

Hey, the computers!

Oh, there's no internet.

There isn't even a lock we can pick.

You know how to pick a lock?

No, but I thought maybe we could just jiggle
the handle with a credit card or something?

If you don't mind wasting a perfectly
good credit card trying?

So...

What are we gonna do?
I'm not going to spend my entire night here.

Oh no no, I'm sure we won't have
to spend the night in here.

Um, I'm sure there's like a janitor or
something that checks the halls at night.

If not the security guards has to check every floor before she locks up so...

Right!
When does she lock up?

Um, I think the building shuts down at midnight.

Midnight! That's three hours from now.

I mean, I'm sure we won't have to wait the whole time.

You don't seem so concerned that we might be spending a few hours here.

Eh, I've got time.

Well that's a nice way of looking at things but I don't.
I had plans tonight.

I'm sorry.

Now I feel bad.

Oh no, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to snap at you.

It's not your fault.

It's just that I had a date tonight
and don't want him to think I stood him up.

Oh, I didn't know you had a boyfriend.

I don't.
It was just a first date but...

Oh!
Oh... really?

Yeah, I was supposed to go
meet him in Central Park after class.

Well, that explains why you look so beautiful.

Oh thank you, Charlie.

Well at least I'm stuck here with you and not some stranger I have nothing in common with.

Well that was pretty pointless.

You know we don't have to sit here in
silence.

I'm sure we'll still hear someone outside if we're talking.

Maybe they'll even hear voices
and open the door to check it out?

What are your aspirations?

Wow, that's more like a job interview question but I guess I'm kind of in the undecided category.

I mean, I know I want
to do something in film or television.

I really like writing.

But now I'm majoring in Accounting so I don't know.

Accounting? Why?

My parents are making me take that.
They keep saying how you can't make any money in film

And that I should just do that for a hobby.

So I'm taking as many Communication Arts
classes that I can for elective credits.

Yeah, that sounds like my parents.

Bullshit!

No, I'm serious. I mean they...

They wanted me to go for architecture
because "that's where the money is"

and then I can pursue film.
Once I make my money.

But you're like Mr. Fucking Moviefone.

You know everything already.
You teach the teachers here.

I would've thought you were born to a family of
filmmakers and screenwriters.

No, I'm the only creative one.

Or, as I've overheard at family functions,
I'm the troubled one.

Wow, I'm really impressed.
I wish I could stand up to my parents like that.

I'd give anything to work in film or
television or something creative

rather than crunching numbers for the rest of my life.

Well when I become a big successful filmmaker,
you can come work with me.

I'd like that.
It's a deal.

Good.

You can be my accountant.

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE
and
ROBOT MONSTER

Yeah! Those rank up there with
reruns of old Star Trek episodes.

I just find those funny as hell---
- OK, wait, wait, wait...

And MANOS: HANDS OF FATE
is like the best bad movie ever.

Wait, let me get this straight. So...

Kevin Smith.
Low budget horror movies.

Sci-Fi. 50s B-movies.
STAR TREK.

Oh my God.
You are a nerd!

What's next?
Batman comics & World of Warcraft?

Actually, Spider-Man.

And f.y.i. I love how Sam Raimi

Director of the greatest horror film trilogy of all-time, EVIL DEAD

Starring the sadly underappreciated
Bruce Campbell

Also directed the third greatest
superhero trilogy of all time.

As for gaming, I'm not gonna lie.
I'm really an old school Nintendo kind of girl.

Super Mario Brothers 3
was like the pinnacle of gaming.

But nowadays, the Halo trilogy
ranks pretty high up there also.

I guess I like threesomes.

Oh come on Charlie.
You knew what I meant.

No no no. It's not that.
It's just...

Not only are you a nerd but I pretty much
agree with every word you just said.

No, honestly. I'm impressed.

Did you have brothers
or something?

No, why?

Well it's just, not only are you attractive

but you're also really really dorky.

Thanks. I guess.

No, it was a compliment.

Well the reason for the dorkiness is simple.

I was an ugly duckling.

Oh well, I find that hard to believe.

Oh it's true. When I was a kid, I was really chubby.

And because of that I was never into fashion
or anything like that.

I especially hated that skinny little bitch Barbie.

So I hung with the boys.
But not the boys who played sports.

I was way too lazy.

So I hung with the
Pokemon Trading, Nintendo playing.

"I have a doctor's note to get out of gym
because of allergies" types of boys.

But now, I mean, you're beautiful. So...

Thanks Charlie.

That's like the third time you've complimented me on my looks in like the past ten minutes.

But I mean, yes, as you point out,
I'm no longer the chubby little girl I was.

I was teased all the time and um...

When I made my transition from junior
year to high school

I was just sick of it so I lost a ton of weight.

And I started out fresh at a new school.

I ditched all my "loser" friends and joined the elite.

I was a cheerleader.

I started paying a lot of attention to fashion.

I went from hating Barbie to becoming Barbie.

I was dating all the hottest guys in school.

But I didn't enjoy it at all.

I couldn't hold a conversation with
any of them longer than five minutes.

I started really dropping in my grades.

I was cheering at football games
when I'd rather be home

defending the Mushroom World
from King Koopa for the 100th time.

I mean, don't get me wrong.
Being popular had its perks.

But it also had its duties.

Duties?

Yeah, like sexual.

By senior year I had enough and closed up shop.

I lost all my superficial friends.

But I didn't really care about that.

What really stung is I lost all my old friends.

They didn't want anything to do with me.
I was labelled a whore.

Nobody really liked me much so

I basically spent my senior year of high school alone.

Yeah, I know what that's like.

To be labelled a whore?

No. Being alone in high school.

Only I barely had any friends
and I was labelled something else.

What?

Well, I, um...

I haven't told anybody else at this school this story but...

I guess since you were open with me and
told me your high school sob story

I'm sorry,. I just...

I kinda like put everything out there
and get things off my chest.

Oh no, that's fine.

I mean it's funny because...

If we were locked in this room a year and a half ago, we probably would have sex just to pass the time.

Thank God I'm not like that anymore.

Wow, this is like the longest I've talked
to anybody in college besides my roommate.

Yeah, I know. Me too.

And we've only been locked in here 20
minutes now.

I guess we have a lot more talking to do.

I wonder how your date is?

I don't.

You're a virgin, right?

What?

A virgin. You, you're a virgin, right?

Oh. Oh. Um.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes.
I am. Yeah.

I took Psych 101 so I know.

Oh.

You got that from Psych 101?

I just got that Freud thought
everything was about sex.

You got that too?

Ok, maybe it was less Psych 101 and more

the expression on your face
when I was telling you my story.

It just kind of seemed like you were judging.

No. No. No. No. No.
Not judging at all.

There's just a lot of information to take in.

No. Yeah. Um...

Hey, I was you to know like I really respect
your decision and if I can do it all over again

I would definitely definitely wait.

I just wish I could revirginize.

Like with surgery?

What surgery?

Um, like.

You know, like, down there.

They can fix it.

Like, they put the cherry back?

Yeah. Yeah, like that.

Eww.
I didn't know they could do that.

God no, I definitely would never do that.

I've abstained from sex for like a year and a half.

I think, I think that's enough.

I'm not gonna go under the knife.

Well it's good to know your limits.

Yeah, plus I abuse my vibrator way too much anyway.

That's just my electric toothbrush.

Oh my God,
I'm like totally freaking you out.

No, no, no. Not at all.

You know what I watch in those horror movies.

This is nothing.

This is, this is just talking.

Well, I mean, plus, you know like...

I've done stuff before.
I just haven't done it.

You know, I mean, like
I'm not a total prude.

But like I've, you know,
like had stuff done to me.

Like?

Like, you know, like stuff.

Like stuff.

Like what?

[nervous laughter]

Um, like.

You know stuff with private parts and stuff.

Like a blowjob?

Yes, I've had one of those before.

Just one?

Um...

No, I've had a few.

A bunch.

Oh come on.

Now you're just teasing me.
You're rubbing the area but there's no penetration.

Give me something solid man.

You're a very strange person. You know that?

I know.

Now continue.

Come on.

Ok. Fine, I um...

I had one 10 nights ago.

Ok.

Is that it?

That's pathetic.

Tell me exactly what you did 10 nights ago.

And if I do this you will give me a big reward?

Yes!

And it's not like you are gonna say that I

didn't do it right or you weren't
satisfied?

No.
Just do it and you'll get a very special treat.

Ok.

Dance monkey! Dance!

I will!

This is so going on Youtube.

I'm never gonna regret this ever

I'm so good.

I'm so awesome!

[Loud grunt]

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Oh come on.

I don't wanna talk about...

Blowjobs.

Do you want one?

Oh my God, you just froze like a deer in
headlights.

I'm sorry. I just like messing with you.

Yeah, well I'm easy to mess with so I
guess that works.

You have such a sunny disposition on things.

It's like you don't let anything bother you.

I don't understand how you never got
anything in high school.

Well you would if you heard the story of
why I was alone in high school.

Which you haven't been able to tell because
I keep interupting you, which I'm not gonna do anymore.

I am just gonna shut up and listen.

Ok.

Well when I was in seventh grade health
class we had the Sex Ed talk

and the teacher was saying how latex
condoms are the best kind.

And everybody knew that I was allergic to
latex because in science class

I had to use a different kind of gloves.

So when asked what the alternatives were

she said lambskin and everybody chuckled.

And started joking that lambskin was
like having sex with a lamb.

Which led to a ton of Charlie
and a lamb sitting in a tree jokes.

I mean Baa Baa Cock Sheep
doesn't even make any sense.

And it carried through to high school
so

I couldn't even go up to a girl and talk to her,
let alone ask her out

without her baaing at me.

It was humiliating.

And I'm just glad that it's in the past and can
put all that behind me now that I'm in college.

Baa!

Baa!

Very funny. Very funny.

I'm sorry.

Mary had a little lamb,
little lamb, little lamb

Mary had a little lamb and Charlie

Fucked it!

You know that's not the first
time I've heard that one.

I'm sorry.

You were respectful during my whole backstory.

I'm sorry.

So how has been getting over this incident
been going for you in college.

Well it was locked away in the dark recesses of my mind until you just brought it out of me.

Well I'm glad I was the one who brought it out.

Yeah, me too.

Do you think Rob's going to
start wondering where you are?

No, I highly doubt that.

I think I have a pretty good idea of what Rob is doing right now.

And I highly doubt he's thinking about me.

Sex?

A form of it.

Masturbation, the self handjob.

My roommate Chrissy is really into that too.

I mean she has this whole drawer full of things.

And sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night
to the sound of her playing with her toys.

Sometimes, I join her.

Well it sounds like we should get them together then.

Yeah, as long as he doesn't mind
a little pot smoke on her breath.

Are you kidding me?
He'd love it.

He masturbates 50% of the time
and gets high 75% of the time.

That's 125%.

Yeah, well he's high 50% of the time he's masturbating.

Oh my God, I just remembered. He did that documentary on boobs for our last project.

I don't understand it.

Why are men's nipples allowed
on TV but women's aren't?

It doesn't make any sense.

I mean they look the same
except women's are less hairy.

Usually.

I mean, come on people,
I thought we had equal rights here.

And besides, I've seen diaper commercials where there's a naked little female baby running around
with exposed breasts.

Who decides the age barrier?

Maybe there is some sick pervert out there

watching the Huggies ad saying to himself

I'd totally fuck that baby.

Yes, that was him!

And Professor Perv loved it.

Wonderful!

Oh yes.

Wonderful.

Terrific.
Just a great job.

Really, wonderful visuals. In that.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Yeah, someone needs to
throw him down an idiot hole.

An idiot hole?

Yeah, it's this thing Icame up with.

It's kind of been an inside joke
between me and Rob.

It's um

It's basically this giant hole

that should be set up in the
desert or someplace

with a lot of empty wasted space.

And there are two levels.

The first level is 25 to 30 feet deep.

And the second deeper level
is hundreds feet deep.

And the basic jist of it is

We throw dumb people into the hole.

That's it?

Ah, yeah basically.

Um.

So how do you decide who gets thrown into the hole?

Well it's based on popularity so a majority of
people must feel he's worthy of the Idiot Hole.

And they have to be able to prove it.

But what if people just hate a person?

Well see that's where the first level comes in.

On that level there are a bunch of tools
and supplies and stuff like rope.

And if he escapes, he's welcome back into society.

And if not, he goes down the hole.

Oh.

So we get rid of some dumb people.

Exactly.

Sounds good.

Yeah exactly.

Not only that but the world becomes
a smarter safer place.

We won't have to worry about population control.

And what the hell, we can put some
cameras down there and air it on Fox.

Wow, um...

That is...

That is well thought out.

And uh...

Thank you for the visual. It's...

Yeah, well I mean,
Rob came up with the design.

Oh, Ok.

So you are for the Idiot Hole?

Oh, I am so for the Idiot Hole.

Ok, good.

So with this whole Idiot Hole initiative

is Rob gonna be safe?

Oh yeah, Rob's a smart guy.
He just doesn't apply himself to much.

[Porn music & sounds]

SpiderBabe, you are both sexy and hilarious.

What time is it?

Wow, it's 11:45 pm.

Oh my God.

So that means somebody should
be coming for us pretty soon then.

Yeah.
Yeah, definitely.

Oh.

I really had fun tonight.

I mean talking.

Talking to you.
I really enjoyed talking to you tonight.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

Oh Rob, I forgot to tell you.

I memorized this great monologue from
Romeo and Juliet for when I tell her how I feel.

It's gonna be so romantic.

That's awesome!

No one's ever clever enough to do that.

So, um, Juliet.

I have a question that I wanted to ask you.

And um...

Shoot.

Well, this date that you were
supposed to be going on tonight...

Well was it somebody that you really liked?

Or was it like, you know, like...

Like a blind date or something?

Or something.

I guess.

I don't really like him.

I mean I don't really know him.

He's a departure from the guys I dated
in high school, which is good.

Oh.

But see the thing is...

There's somebody I kinda like already,

And I think he likes me to too.

But he's never really made a move.

And last week I gave him this chance
and he totally blew it.

So my roommate convinced me
to go out with this other guy

Who I've already turned down twice.

So, you're like, interested in somebody.

Yeah.

Yeah. I am.

I really am.

He's smart.

And funny.

And cute.

And he's kinda dorky but in a good way.

And he's really polite.

And helpful.

And.

I know he doesn't just like me for
my looks.

Although he does compliment me on them a lot.

Wow, I mean. No, he sounds like a great guy.

Yeah.

He really is.

Except he's got one major flaw.

Like most guys.

He can't really tell when a girl is flirting with him.

The other guy...

is you, Charlie.

It has been for a long time.

And I think you feel the same way to too?

I didn't want to go on that date tonight.

I would have much rather been here.

Stuck.

With you.

Wow!

Um...

I, um...

[clears throat]

Wow.

Do you feel the same?

Yeah!

Yeah. Yes.

Of course, I do.

So my question is this...

How come you never said anything?

I don't know.

Probably the same reason most people
don't express their feelings.

Fear of rejection.

Embarrassment.

You know,

When I'm in this room

especially the Editing Bay,

I'm confident.

I know this room.

I'm good in this room.

I spend a lot of time in this room editing.

It's just when I go outside that I'm nervous.

Well yeah I get that.

And at first I thought it was so cute.

But then after a while.

I started to kinda think that maybe you just didn't like me.

And that you were just being nice to me in class.

And then last week in your room.

No, No. I definitely like you.

I'm just a blubbering idiot when it
comes to talking to girls I like.

So, um...

Well now that we've

professed our love for one another.

What do we do now?

Well...

You can come over here.

And...

Tell me that you love me and that you have since
the first moment you helped me with my bag.

And then kiss me.

Doesn't that only happen in movies?

Yeah.

But Charlie...

This is your movie.

That's the cheesiest line I've ever heard.

Oh, shut up.

Was that the sound of the alarm being armed?

Yep.

So no one's coming for us then.

Nope.

So we're stuck in here all night?

What should we do?

Well, um...

I guess you can use the Professor's desk as a bed.

You can fold up your jacket and
make that into a pillow.

I can give you my jacket as a blanket
but I don't think that will be very comfortable.

Oh.

Ok, thanks.

You know, I'm not really tired though.

I'm kind of a night owl.

Are you tired?

NO!
No, I'm up.

Ok, good.

Well, like, what should we do?

Um...

I don't know.

I've never been in a relationship with a guy
that I could talk to for more than 10 minutes.

Oh, so um...

So we're in a relationship?

Yeah, isn't that what you wanted?

Yeah, definitely.

I've just not been in many
relationships.

Oh.

How many?

Um...

None.

So that lamb story wasn't an exaggeration.

It was not.

So I'm your first girlfriend?

Yeah.
I guess you are.

How am I doing?

Well so far you are the coolest girlfriend I ever had.

Well that's good to hear.

I think I have some playing cards in my bag.

Oh.

You play cards?

No, not really.

These are Rob's but um...

I know how to play Blackjack and Solitaire.

Solitaire.

Awesome.

Hey, can I see that?

Yeah. Yeah sure.

That's just my knockaround camera.

I take it with me just in case.

In case of what?

In case I run into a celebrity.

Or I see something interesting that I want to film.

Or in case you get stuck in a room with a girl
who gets bored and wants to make a sex tape?

Yeah, exactly.
Something like that.

[camera beep]

Hello.
And welcome to "Future Celebrity Gossip"

Where we give you all the dirt on the
stars that tomorrow, today!

What are you doing?

Oh folks, we got a real treat for you
today.

Look who just walked into our studio.

It's Charlie.

One of Hollywood's hottest future directors.

It's ok Charlie, we'll start with an easy one.

Tell us your deepest darkest secret.

I don't want to play.

What? Come on?

We've got a shy one on our hands folks.

I'll make you a deal.

I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

Yes?

No?

Maybe?

To the paparazzi a maybe is just as good
as a key to your home.

My.

Deepest.

Darkest.

Secret.

[camera beep]

Now it's your turn.

Come on, dig deep Charlie.

Ok, um...

I like Michael Bay movies.

People can say what they want but you know...

if you need some shit blown up,
he's your man.

There, you happy?

No!

Us paparazzi are a vicious bunch.

Give us your deepest.

Darkest.

Secret?

How about the fact that we staged this whole
elaborate getting trapped in a room act?

What was that?

What was what?

[alarm]

Fucking annoying piece of shit alarm clock!

Oh shit!

I meant 11:30!

Chuck's gonna kill me!

I can't do that.

I can do them at the same time.

Everybody can do that.

Oh.

I can do one.

Almost.

I look stupid doing it.

Do that one.

I can't do it.

You did it.

It won't go though.

Do it again.

CHUCK!

Juliet's roommate!

Why don't you write a movie about your job at the library if you have so many stories about that place?

Actually.

I did.

Really?

Yeah, I mean it's not finished.

I need to trim it down a bit.
It's getting pretty out of hand.

I keep adding stuff to it
every time something happens at work.

Wow, I would love to read that.

Really?

I mean, cause I have it in my bag?

Hi, you don't know me. My name's Rob.
I'm in Juliet's film class along with my friend Chuck.

And I may have accidentally locked them both in the...

classroom and I'm just trying
to find out a way to...

Are those hash brownies I smell?

I love you.

Man that was fun.

Man, what a great date.

Wait a minute.

That wasn't a date.

Oh fuck, Chuck!

No, she needs her rest.

Let her rest.

Chuck, it's Rob. I don't know if you can hear me
but I know I fucked up big time and I'm sorry.

I'll get there first thing tomorrow morning and
explain to Juliet that it was all my fault

and that I was only supposed to keep you guys locked in there for three hours and not the whole night.

Oh man, this could not have gone better
for me because

I was just hanging out with Juliet's roommate and
if you found your Tina Fey

Then I found my Sarah Silverman man.

She was smoking hot and smoking pot.

We even did the Beaver Bong.

Tell Rob I say hi.

Can you believe it man, the Beaver Bong!

What?

What?

Oh, did you get through to someone on the phone?

Oh, um. No.

I thought I had a signal but it was just the

low battery beep.

This is really good so far.

Done.

And?

I love it.

It's funny, well written
and extremely intelligent.

Thank you.

The ending is interesting.

Interesting bad?

Well...

It's kind of a downer.

Because he doesn't get the girl?

Yeah. Audiences hate that.

I mean, critics love it
but audiences hate that.

I know. A lot of people have been telling me that.

So why don't you change it?

Because that's not the way it happens.

People don't always get
what they want in real life.

I'm so tired of these romantic comedies
where

two people who have nothing in common
wind up together in the end.

It's just not realistic.

But...

What about us?

This isn't some dumb romantic comedy
and we got together.

We got together by fate.

A higher power wanted us to be together Charlie.

That's why we got locked in this room tonight.

You really think that?

Of course.

It was our destiny.

Me and you were meant to be one, Charlie.

Fate wanted us to be together.

- Our paths were meant to-
- STOP!

What's wrong?

I have a confession to make.

What is it?

The reason we're stuck in this room
is because of me.

What do you mean?

When we were in the Editing Bay,
Rob convinced the Professor to

end class early so we would get stuck in here.

And he was supposed ot be back at 11:45

but he fell asleep and woke up late.

We were already locked in.

And now he's outside school waiting until morning
so he can come up and get us.

That's sick!
Why did you do that?

Cause I liked you and
I was afraid to ask you out.

And I feel comfortable in this room.

And I thought it would be a good place for
the two of us to get to know one another.

I mean, it's stupid.
I know.

Stupid?

Stupid?

You fucking kidnapped me!

I didn't kidnap you.

You held me against my will
for an extended period of time.

Okay.
So technically I kidnapped you.

But that's a really harsh way of putting it.

You lied to me, Charlie.

I know, I'm sorry.

What else did you lie about?

Nothing. I swear.

Hey, security guard came in early
and gave me the keys.

I thought you were different, Charlie.

I am.

Cheer up!

Green screen issue!

Chuck!

Hello Chuck!

I've got large breasts.

Another one of your daydreams?

There's something I have to tell you.

What is it?

I'm the reason we're stuck in here tonight.

What do you mean?

Well when we were in the Editing Bay...

Rob convinced the professor to end class
early.

So we would get stuck in here.

And he was supposed to come and get us

at 11:45 and he fell asleep

and didn't, um...

come get us and-

I know.

What do you mean you know?

Read the last page.

Remember to pick up Chuck
and Juliet at 11:45. Rob

Who signs a note to themselves?

Look, I'm really sorry.
It was a really stupid idea.

Are you mad?

Mad?

No.

I had fun tonight.
And I like you.

So no I'm not mad.

I'm hungry and I have to pee real bad.

But I'm not mad.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Aww, what the fuck man?
That burns!

I thought they diluted this shit.

Oh, it really stings.

These are for you.

Where the hell did you find flowers at

9:30 in the morning?

I got them last night after I realized I forgot
come get you guys before the building got shut down.

Wait, what?

Are you telling me you planned all this?

Oh, fuck man!
I thought you told her by now.

Aww fuck!

I'm sorry.
It's way too early to play this.

He told me the whole story.

Where did you find flowers at midnight?

A place.

You know, one of those.

Fuckin' flower store places.

At midnight?

Well whatever.

Thank you Rob.

For the flowers.

Are these?

Fake?

Oh, what the fuck?

Somebody's fake fuckin' flowers!

Well, I'm sorry.

Well, thank you.

Oh, and for the song.

You're welcome, Juliet.

I think there was something on those flowers.

So, uh...

I just want to thank you.

You had a really stupid idea.

You talked me into it
and it worked.

So... thanks.

Hey, don't thank me.

Thank those miners and cable TV
for exploiting their story.

Either way, thanks.

I look out for you, Charlie.

I look out for ya.

Charlie?

So does this mean I'm not a loser anymore?

No.

You got the girl but you're still a loser.

Just not enough of one for me to call you Chuck.

Eventually she'll realize she can do better
and dump your ass.

That's when the name comes back.

Hang tough.

[song about fucking a unicorn]

What you guys think?

It was, um...

It was good.

Oh, I loved it.
I love songs about

mythical inter-species erotica.

And I like unicorns.

Just not in that way.

Well it's great that you guys liked it.

I really want to see these guys
signed up to a big major label.

You know what I was just thinking about?

Fucking a unicorn?

Besides that.

Movie endings.

What about them?

I think I discovered something
I hate more than the

Hollywood happy ending where
everything turns out for the better.

And what's that?

The end credits!

What about them?

I just hate them.

Ok.

There's no reason for them.
Nobody ever reads them.

I do.

No, you don't.

I know. I lied.
I just wanted to be part of the conversation.

And I hate how the people just
acknowledge that nobody reads them.

You know how they put those little windows
alongside the credits as they scroll.

And they play things like an epilogue or gag reels.

Come on, if the epilogue was really important
you would have just put it in the movie.

And the gag reels just going to end up on the
bonus features of the DVD anyway.

Those little windows are pretty much
defeating the purpose of even having end credits

because it makes the viewer,
if they haven't stopped watching by now,

focus on that tiny little window instead of
the names that are scrolling on the screen.

Exactly!

And then at that very end of it they put
a ten second long little scene.

Yeah, and no one ever sticks
around in the theater to watch it anyway.

And when it comes out on DVD people just fast forward
through the credits just to get to that scene.

And it's never worth the effort.

What about FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF
where at the end he's like

get the fuck out of my house.

That was awesome.

Well, yeah, Ferris Bueller's an exception but

usually they do suck.

You know what else they gotta do?
They need to get rid of that boring ass

white text scrolling on the black background.

I mean every once in a while they add some
fucking lame ass animation.

Or some bullshit like that but it's
basically the same white on black motif.

Someone should change that shit up!

Yeah, you know what would be really cool.
If they have the actual cast member or crew member

come on the screen and just
say their name and what they did.

Well yeah. I mean that would be cool
but it would probably take too long.

Well yeah but...

If nobody cares about the end credits anyway
and it's just a legal issue, what's the diff?

Well, you are forgetting one
important thing about the credits.

Which is?

The music!

Bingo. The credits is the last
point that the studio can squeeze in a hit song

that barely has anything to do
with the movie

just so they can put it on the soundtrack
and sell more CDs.

That's so true.

Like every romantic comedy
has to have the newest love song.

Well when you make your own movie,
you can do whatever you want with the end credits.

You can just play them in silence.

Or have your characters talk over
them the entire time.

Those both some pretty lame