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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:02,696 >> Biscayne: TONIGHT ON 2 00:00:02,703 --> 00:00:03,673 "NEWSREADERS," WE'LL FIND OUT 3 00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:04,671 WHY THE DECLINE OF ADULT-VIDEO 4 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:06,772 STORES IS DESTROYING THE LIFE OF 5 00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:08,684 THIS SALOON-DOOR DESIGNER. 6 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,706 ALSO, WE GO TO OSAKA, JAPAN, TO 7 00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:13,551 MEET 119-YEAR-OLD TAKISHI SABUA, 8 00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:15,217 A MAN WHO COULD DIE AT ANY 9 00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:16,346 MOMENT. 10 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,190 ALL THAT AND MORE, TONIGHT ON 11 00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:19,286 "NEWSREADERS." 12 00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:30,498 FIRST TONIGHT, SADEE DEENUS HAS 13 00:00:30,498 --> 00:00:31,298 ONE OF THOSE 14 00:00:31,299 --> 00:00:32,799 TELEVISION-NEWS-MAGAZINE STORIES 15 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:34,400 ABOUT A REALLY RICH GUY WHO MADE 16 00:00:34,402 --> 00:00:35,542 SO MUCH MONEY THAT HE CAN DO 17 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:36,366 WHATEVER HE WANTS. 18 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,110 YOU KNOW THE ONES. 19 00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:39,336 SADEE? 20 00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,310 >> HOTEL MOGUL REESE BALLARD IS 21 00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:43,079 THE DARLING OF WALL STREET. 22 00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:44,747 A BILLIONAIRE SEVERAL TIMES 23 00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:46,575 OVER, HE TOPS EVERY LIST OF 24 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:47,620 HANDSOME C.E.O.s. 25 00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:49,175 BALLARD REVOLUTIONIZED THE 26 00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:51,353 INDUSTRY BY CREATING COMPLETELY 27 00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:53,292 CUSTOMIZABLE HOTELS. 28 00:00:53,321 --> 00:00:54,391 >> TELL US WHAT KIND OF PILLOW 29 00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:55,388 YOU HAVE AT HOME. 30 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,419 WE WILL HAVE IT WAITING THERE 31 00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:57,294 FOR YOU WHEN YOU ARRIVE. 32 00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:58,755 OUR IN-SHOWER WATERFALLS WILL 33 00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,389 AUTOMATICALLY ADJUST TO YOUR 34 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:00,864 HEIGHT. 35 00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:02,131 LIVE WITH YOUR MOTHER? 36 00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,360 SHE WILL BE THERE. 37 00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:05,104 >> I POOP IN A CAT BOX. 38 00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:06,569 >> WHAT KIND OF LITTER DO YOU 39 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:07,197 PREFER? 40 00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:09,641 >> CLAY-BASED, NON-CLUMPING. 41 00:01:09,637 --> 00:01:10,237 >> DONE. 42 00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:11,168 >> YOU HAVE THOUGHT OF 43 00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:11,642 EVERYTHING. 44 00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:12,509 >> THAT'S BALLARD. 45 00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:13,766 >> WOW. 46 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:15,514 THESE DAYS, BALLARD SPENDS MOST 47 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,179 OF HIS TIME AS AN ADVENTURER, 48 00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:18,778 PHILANTHROPIST, OR 49 00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:20,579 "ADVENTROPIST." 50 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,121 HE'S DONE IT ALL, FROM USING 51 00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:23,376 HIS FORTUNE TO BRING CLEAN 52 00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:24,754 DRINKING WATER TO SUB-SAHARAN 53 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,792 AFRICA TO BRINGING HISTORICALLY 54 00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,417 ACCURATE SPORTS-CHAMPIONSHIP 55 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,692 SHIRTS TO WESTERN AFRICA. 56 00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:32,391 BUT BALLARD SHOCKED THE WORLD 57 00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:33,863 WHEN HE ANNOUNCED HIS LATEST 58 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,301 CHALLENGE. 59 00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:36,626 >> I'M GOING TO HELL. 60 00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:37,600 >> WHY HELL? 61 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:38,298 WHY NOW? 62 00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:39,699 >> YOU KNOW, IT'S THE LAST 63 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:40,800 GREAT CHALLENGE. 64 00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:41,901 NOBODY'S EVER DONE IT AND COME 65 00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:43,302 BACK TO TALK ABOUT IT. 66 00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:44,644 >> SO, WHY NOT GO TO HEAVEN? 67 00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,138 >> OH, I'VE BEEN TO HEAVEN. 68 00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:47,380 IT'S CALLED A BALLARD LUXE 69 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:49,835 BOUTIQUE HOTEL. 70 00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:50,913 >> THAT IS TREMENDOUS. 71 00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:52,311 BALLARD IS EXPLORING EVERY 72 00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,613 POSSIBLE WAY TO GET TO HELL AND 73 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:55,554 HAS ASSEMBLED A TEAM OF LEADING 74 00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:57,519 EXPERTS, RANGING FROM GEOLOGISTS 75 00:01:57,518 --> 00:01:59,188 TO PARTICLE PHYSICISTS TO 76 00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:01,257 NANOTECHNOLOGISTS. 77 00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:02,885 HE EVEN HAS THE TOP RELIGIOUS 78 00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:04,760 SCHOLARS IN THE WORLD WORKING ON 79 00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,188 THE PROJECT. 80 00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:07,364 >> YOU EVER HEAR THE ONE ABOUT 81 00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:08,461 THE PRIEST, THE MINISTER, AND 82 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,532 THE RABBI WHO HELPED ME TRAVEL 83 00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:09,930 TO HELL? 84 00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:11,270 >> YES, BUT IT WAS IN A BAR, 85 00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:12,395 AND THE RABBI HAD A PARROT ON 86 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,570 HIS SHOULDER WITH A HUGE DICK. 87 00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:14,697 >> AAH! 88 00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:16,742 >> AH. THAT IS JOVIE. 89 00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:17,737 I HAVE HIM TRIPPING BALLS ON 90 00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,308 AYAHUASCA TEA. 91 00:02:19,307 --> 00:02:20,337 SAYS HE'S IN COMMUNICATION WITH 92 00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:21,511 MACHINE ELVES AND THE FABRIC OF 93 00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:22,839 TIME. 94 00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,453 >> BALLARD HAS KNOWN NOTHING 95 00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:25,845 BUT SUCCESS IN LIFE, BUT HE'S 96 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:28,216 WELL AWARE THIS LATEST ADVENTURE 97 00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,876 COULD END IN FAILURE. 98 00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:31,253 >> EVEN WITH ALL THESE 99 00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:32,652 RESOURCES, THERE IS ONE THING 100 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:33,923 THAT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT. 101 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,421 >> DOES HELL EVEN EXIST? 102 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:38,393 >> NO, NO, NOT THAT. 103 00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,732 IF I GET TO HELL, WILL THEY EVEN 104 00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:41,628 LET ME IN? 105 00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:43,299 >> WHY WOULDN'T THEY? 106 00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:44,897 >> I MAY HAVE DONE TOO MUCH 107 00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:45,568 GOOD. 108 00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,666 >> AFTER MONTHS OF PLANNING AND 109 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,568 RESEARCH, BALLARD ANNOUNCED HE 110 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:51,840 FINALLY FOUND A WAY TO HELL. 111 00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:54,509 IT IS SO RARE TO WITNESS HISTORY 112 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:55,978 AS IT'S HAPPENING. 113 00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:58,776 THIS IS A VERY EXCITING MOMENT. 114 00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:00,479 GOOD LUCK, REESE. 115 00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:01,621 >> THANK YOU, SADEE. 116 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:02,645 I APPRECIATE THAT. 117 00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:03,750 I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU. 118 00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:05,491 THERE YOU GO. 119 00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:06,346 >> [ Chuckling ] WHAT? 120 00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:08,264 KITTY LITTER? 121 00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:09,556 CLAY-BASED, NON-CLUMPING. 122 00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:10,657 WOW. THANK YOU. 123 00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:12,788 >> NO. THANK YOU. 124 00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:20,369 >> IN THE END, IT WAS THE 125 00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:21,938 THEOLOGY TEAM THAT FINALLY 126 00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,235 CRACKED IT. 127 00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:25,607 SO, HOW DID YOU ACTUALLY FIND 128 00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:26,936 THE WAY TO HELL? 129 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,710 >> IT WAS RIGHT UNDER OUR 130 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,279 NOSES THE WHOLE TIME. 131 00:03:30,278 --> 00:03:32,508 THE ONE GUARANTEED WAY TO GO TO 132 00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:34,653 HELL IS TO COMMIT SUICIDE. 133 00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:37,348 [ ELECTRICITY BUZZING ] 134 00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:42,521 [ ALL CHEERING ] 135 00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:45,263 >> SO ELEGANT, SO SIMPLE... 136 00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:46,889 JUST LIKE THE LOBBY OF ONE OF 137 00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:49,564 HIS HOTELS. 138 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,403 >> Biscayne: WE DON'T KNOW IF 139 00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:52,929 REESE BALLARD MADE IT INTO 140 00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:54,803 HELL, BUT WE CAN CONFIRM HE IS 141 00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:56,272 DEAD. 142 00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:57,810 NEXT, TELEVISION -- IT'S WHAT 143 00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:59,735 YOU'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW. 144 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,040 AND FOR TWO YEARS, IF YOU WERE 145 00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:02,541 WATCHING TV ON THURSDAY NIGHTS, 146 00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:03,843 YOU WERE WATCHING ONE THING -- 147 00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:06,314 AMERICA'S NUMBER-ONE SITCOM, 148 00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:07,484 "FARMED OUT!" 149 00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:08,781 BUT THEN YOU STOPPED WATCHING 150 00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:10,682 IT, AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHY. 151 00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:13,294 BUT SOON YOU WILL. 152 00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:14,417 "FARMED OUT!" WAS THE 153 00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:15,762 RICHES-TO-RAGS STORY OF THE 154 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,426 JORDANS, A WEALTHY FAMILY THAT 155 00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:19,285 LOST IT ALL AND HAD TO START A 156 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:21,403 NEW LIFE ON A FARM IN THE MIDDLE 157 00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:22,055 OF NOWHERE. 158 00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:24,032 MILLIONS TUNED IN EACH WEEK, AND 159 00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:25,831 THE JORDANS QUICKLY BECAME 160 00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,343 HOUSEHOLD NAMES. 161 00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:29,495 >> * THAT'S HOW LIFE GOES 162 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,743 WHEN YOU'RE ALL FARMED OUT * 163 00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:33,309 [ COW MOOS ] 164 00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:34,837 >> Biscayne: EVERY WEEK BROUGHT 165 00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:36,312 A NEW HARVEST OF LAUGHS. 166 00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:37,580 >> THE MUSES ARE FLOWING. 167 00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:38,978 I FEEL 18 YEARS OF WALL STREET 168 00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,979 CORRUPTION JUST MELTING AWAY. 169 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,651 >> THEN WHAT'S WITH THE 170 00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:43,520 BRIEFCASE? 171 00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:44,747 >> BABY STEPS. 172 00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:46,352 [ RECORDED LAUGHTER ] 173 00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:47,394 >> Biscayne: AMERICA LOVED 174 00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,558 WATCHING THE JORDAN FAMILY REAP 175 00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:49,616 WHAT THEY HAD SOWN. 176 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,333 >> I THINK I SEE THE MILKY WAY. 177 00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:52,685 >> WE'RE INSIDE A BARN. 178 00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:54,503 >> THEN WHAT'S THAT UP THERE? 179 00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:56,055 >> OH, MY GOD. 180 00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:58,103 THOSE ARE BATS! 181 00:04:58,098 --> 00:04:58,998 >> OH! 182 00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:00,499 [ CHUCKLES ] 183 00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,741 I THINK THE MILKY WAY JUST 184 00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,066 POOPED ON ME. 185 00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:05,411 >> Biscayne: THE SHOW HAD 186 00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:06,566 EVERYTHING -- GREAT JOKES, 187 00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:08,484 HEART, AND PLOTS YOU COULD 188 00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:09,676 FOLLOW WHILE SURFING THE 189 00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:10,837 INTERNET... 190 00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:12,454 AND, OF COURSE, RAUNCHY 191 00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:13,506 GRANDMA JORDAN. 192 00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:14,954 >> I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE 193 00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:16,078 MILKED THE COW IN A 194 00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:17,693 DIANE VON FURSTENBERG BLOUSE. 195 00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:18,645 >> NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL A 196 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:19,992 NIP SLIP. 197 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:22,787 [ RECORDED LAUGHTER ] 198 00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,630 >> Biscayne: DESPITE ALL OF ITS 199 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:25,955 SUCCESS AND MASS APPEAL, 200 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,699 SUDDENLY AND WITHOUT WARNING, 201 00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:29,495 THE EMMY AWARD-WINNING SHOW WAS 202 00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,897 CANCELED, WITH NO EXPLANATION. 203 00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:33,572 I'M STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A 204 00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:34,967 DIRT ROAD IN HUTCHINS, KANSAS, 205 00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:36,498 IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE THAT WAS 206 00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:37,844 ONCE USED FOR ESTABLISHING SHO-- 207 00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:39,511 >> HEY! WHO THE TITS ARE YOU? 208 00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:40,867 >> Biscayne: GRANDMA JORDAN. 209 00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,044 >> UH-OH. HE KNOWS ME. 210 00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,742 WHEN DID WE DO IT, AND WHICH WAY 211 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:44,584 WAS I FACING? 212 00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:46,008 >> Biscayne: [ LAUGHS ] 213 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,153 WHAT?! 214 00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:48,577 >> NO? 215 00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:49,852 >> Biscayne: THIS... 216 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,790 IS...AMAZING! 217 00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:52,989 YOU'RE ALL HERE! 218 00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:55,416 >> YEP. WE ARE HERE. 219 00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:56,693 WE GOT TO BE SOMEWHERE. 220 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:57,630 [ BOTH LAUGH ] 221 00:05:57,625 --> 00:05:58,655 >> Biscayne: IT TURNS OUT 222 00:05:58,659 --> 00:05:59,829 THE JORDANS WERE STILL IN THE 223 00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:00,857 HOUSE WHERE THEY FILMED THE 224 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:01,401 SHOW. 225 00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:02,599 I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 226 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,396 ARE YOU TAPING THE SHOW AGAIN? 227 00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:04,768 >> NO. 228 00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:05,895 THE CAMERAS LEFT WEEKS AGO. 229 00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:07,073 >> I HAVE A CAMERA. 230 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,667 >> THAT'S YOUR ELBOW, KIP. 231 00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:10,439 AS YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN LIVING A 232 00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:11,938 MUCH SIMPLER LIFE -- NO TV, NO 233 00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:12,739 INTERNET. 234 00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:14,410 >> NO ONLINE SHOPPING, NO 235 00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:15,538 OFFLINE SHOPPING. 236 00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:17,653 OH, GOD, I MISS THINGS -- SPA 237 00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:20,075 DAYS, CHARITY BALLS. 238 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,720 >> BEFORE MY BOOB JOB, I WAS 239 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,115 CONSISTENTLY CHARITY-BALLED. 240 00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:24,546 >> Biscayne: [ LAUGHS ] 241 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,115 YOU GUYS TALK EXACTLY LIKE YOUR 242 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,019 CHARACTERS. 243 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:29,020 >> I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS. 244 00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,722 >> I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT 245 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,634 THAT MEANS. 246 00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:33,955 LIKE -- LIKE THE WORD "THAT." 247 00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:35,001 IS THAT THE ONE THAT STARTS WITH 248 00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:35,625 A CIRCLE? 249 00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:36,529 >> Biscayne: [ LAUGHS ] 250 00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:37,600 THAT'S HILARIOUS. 251 00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:39,028 THIS IS JUST LIKE THE SHOW. 252 00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:40,772 >> WE'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN OUR 253 00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:41,498 OWN SHOW. 254 00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:42,202 >> Biscayne: WHAT? 255 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:43,572 YOU'VE GOT TO SEE YOUR SHOW. 256 00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:44,711 I HAVE EVERY EPISODE ON MY 257 00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:45,465 PHONE. 258 00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:47,583 WOULD YOU LIKE TO WATCH IT? 259 00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:48,505 >> OH, YEAH! 260 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:49,579 THAT WOULD BE GREAT! 261 00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:51,677 >> I JUST MISS BEING RICH. 262 00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:52,779 WE HAD SO MUCH -- 263 00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:53,750 >> FUN, RIGHT? 264 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:54,177 >> NO. 265 00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:55,921 MONEY. 266 00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,619 >> WHO IS THAT THAT KEEPS 267 00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:58,188 LAUGHING? 268 00:06:58,185 --> 00:06:59,745 >> Biscayne: OH, THAT'S THE 269 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,193 LAUGH TRACK, ALTHOUGH THE LOUD 270 00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:02,958 LAUGH IS ME BECAUSE I TAPE IT 271 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:03,986 LIVE OFF OF MY TELEVISION. 272 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:08,004 [ LAUGHS ] 273 00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:10,155 SEEING THEMSELVES ON TV DID NOT 274 00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,773 SEEM TO BRING AS MUCH JOY TO THE 275 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,765 JORDANS AS THEY HAD BROUGHT TO 276 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:14,567 AMERICA. 277 00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:16,468 >> I GUESS WE DON'T GET IT. 278 00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:18,540 THIS IS A TERRIBLE REALITY SHOW. 279 00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:19,669 >> Biscayne: REALITY SHOW? 280 00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:20,873 >> YES, THEY ASKED US IF WE 281 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,114 WANTED TO MAKE A REALITY SHOW 282 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,639 ABOUT OUR FAMILY. 283 00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,014 >> I ONCE SAT ON A CAT. 284 00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:26,652 >> Biscayne: THAT'S GREAT! 285 00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:27,247 [ LAUGHS ] 286 00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,177 SO, THESE THINGS WERE ACTUALLY 287 00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,222 HAPPENING TO THE JORDANS IN REAL 288 00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,088 LIFE, AND THE DOCUMENTARY 289 00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:34,716 FOOTAGE OF THEM HAD BEEN SOLD TO 290 00:07:34,722 --> 00:07:36,492 AMERICA AS SCRIPTED 291 00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:37,760 ENTERTAINMENT. 292 00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,228 >> THEY FLEW US OUT HERE AND 293 00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:40,956 STRANDED US ON A FARM WITH SOME 294 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,701 CAMERA GUYS WHO WEREN'T LEGALLY 295 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,156 ALLOWED TO INTERACT WITH US. 296 00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:45,874 THEY MUST HAVE EDITED OUT ALL 297 00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,696 OF OUR CONSTANT BEGGING FOR FOOD 298 00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:48,501 FROM THE CREW. 299 00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,502 >> I SEE YOU HAVE A CANDY BAR! 300 00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:51,874 I JUST WANT ONE BITE! 301 00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:53,542 >> WE ACTUALLY STARTED OUT WITH 302 00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:54,941 ONE OTHER FAMILY MEMBER AT THE 303 00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:55,682 BEGINNING. 304 00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,206 >> OH, YEAH, JORDY JR. 305 00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:58,750 >> WE ATE HIM. 306 00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:00,746 >> Biscayne: [ LAUGHS ] 307 00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:04,616 "FARMED OUT!" WAS THE BRAINCHILD 308 00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:05,988 OF TELEVISION PRODUCER 309 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:06,916 FITZ BAGLEY. 310 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,790 HE ACTUALLY HAD HIS NAME LEGALLY 311 00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:10,559 CHANGED TO "TELEVISION PRODUCER 312 00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:11,118 FITZ BAGLEY." 313 00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:12,634 THEY WERE UNDER THE IMPRESSION 314 00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:13,956 THEY WERE DOING A REALITY SHOW. 315 00:08:13,961 --> 00:08:14,901 YOU DECEIVED THEM. 316 00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:16,255 >> I'M NOT ASHAMED OF THAT. 317 00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:17,103 YOU KNOW WHY? 318 00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,870 THE JORDANS WERE JUST TOO WEIRD 319 00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:19,826 TO BE BELIEVABLE. 320 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,273 NO ONE IS THAT ONE-DIMENSIONAL. 321 00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:23,001 HAVE YOU TALKED TO THE JORDANS? 322 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,043 >> Biscayne: YES. 323 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,837 >> THEY PAUSE AFTER JOKES, AS IF 324 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,539 THEY'RE WAITING FOR LAUGHTER 325 00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:28,881 THAT NEVER, EVER COMES. 326 00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,206 >> Biscayne: GRANDMA JORDAN, WHO 327 00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:31,680 WAS THE LAST PRESIDENT YOU VOTED 328 00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:32,009 FOR? 329 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,152 >> WELL, I NEVER MET 330 00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:34,776 BILL CLINTON, BUT HE CAN VISIT 331 00:08:34,782 --> 00:08:36,652 MY OVAL OFFICE ANY DAY OF THE 332 00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:38,820 WEEK. 333 00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:40,119 >> Biscayne: MADISON, WHEN YOU 334 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,660 LEAVE THE ROOM, WHAT DO YOU DO? 335 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,155 >> I WAIT OUTSIDE UNTIL IT'S MY 336 00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,656 TURN TO COME BACK IN TO SAY 337 00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,028 SOMETHING SARCASTIC [SCOFFS] 338 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,086 LIKE ANY HUMAN EVER. 339 00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:48,134 >> Biscayne: AMAZING. 340 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:49,298 WHEN HE FOUND THE JORDANS, 341 00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:50,826 TELEVISION PRODUCER FITZ BAGLEY 342 00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:53,301 KNEW HE HAD STUMBLED ONTO A GOLD 343 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,270 MINE. 344 00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,797 >> I DON'T HAVE TO PAY ACTORS, 345 00:08:55,803 --> 00:08:57,003 WRITERS, SCRIPTS, ALL THAT 346 00:08:57,004 --> 00:08:58,944 PAPER, THE TONER, NONE OF IT. 347 00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:00,939 I SHELL OUT ZILCH, AND I MAKE A 348 00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,981 NUMBER THAT HAS A LOT OF ZILCHES 349 00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:03,876 BEHIND IT. 350 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,247 >> Biscayne: SO, WHY? 351 00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,305 WHY CANCEL IT? 352 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:08,583 >> THE JORDANS STARTED GETTING 353 00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:10,022 DEPRESSED, AND NOT FUN 354 00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,987 DEPRESSED, JUST SAD. 355 00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:13,345 I HAD TO CUT AROUND A BUNCH OF 356 00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:14,863 CRYING, LIKE, "OH, NO, WE'RE 357 00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:17,255 HUNGRY," "GRANDMA'S DYING," THAT 358 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:17,957 KIND OF THING. 359 00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:18,988 >> Biscayne: GRANDMA JORDAN IS 360 00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:19,362 DYING? 361 00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:20,629 >> YEAH, SHE'S -- SHE WON'T 362 00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:22,028 MAKE IT TILL CHRISTMAS. 363 00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:23,659 BUT I KEPT THE CAMERAS ROLLING 364 00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:24,264 ON THE FAMILY. 365 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,234 >> Biscayne: YOU KEPT FILMING 366 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:25,802 THEM? 367 00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:26,669 >> I DARKEN THE LIGHTS. 368 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,267 I TAKE THE NEW FOOTAGE. 369 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,738 I CUT IT TOGETHER TO MAKE A 370 00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:32,638 ONE-HOUR DRAMA CALLED 371 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,640 "FINDING ALWAYS." 372 00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:39,282 CHECK IT OUT. 373 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,279 >> [ Crying ] IT'S JUST... 374 00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:43,951 TOO MUCH TO TAKE IN. 375 00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,251 >> SORRY, DEAR. 376 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,392 [ SNIFFLES ] 377 00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:48,356 I GUESS MY NUMBER'S UP. 378 00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,955 [ BOTH CRYING ] 379 00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:57,934 >> Biscayne: NOW HUMORIST 380 00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,631 JIM DAVIDSON IS HERE WITH 381 00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:01,273 ANOTHER LOOK AT OUR EVERYDAY 382 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,398 LIVES. 383 00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:03,802 >> IF YOU COME INTO MY LIVING 384 00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,014 ROOM, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA 385 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:05,335 SEE? 386 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:06,768 YEAH, I MEAN, THERE'S COUCHES. 387 00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:07,984 THERE'S MAYBE A LOVE SEAT OR 388 00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:09,105 TWO, BUT WHAT YOU'RE MOSTLY 389 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,239 GONNA SEE IS A LOT OF REMOTE 390 00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:11,653 CONTROLS. 391 00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:13,175 WE GOT ONE REMOTE CONTROL FOR 392 00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:14,980 THE TV, ANOTHER FOR THE DVR, ONE 393 00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,352 FOR THE DVD, ONE FOR THE VHS. 394 00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:17,249 ONE'S FOR THE CABLE. 395 00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:18,220 ONE'S FOR THE -- I DON'T KNOW 396 00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:18,918 WHAT IT'S FOR! 397 00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:19,389 [ CHUCKLES ] 398 00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,686 I MEAN, I CAN'T CON-- I NEED A 399 00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:23,759 REMOTE CONTROL TO CONTROL THE 400 00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:24,417 REMOTE CONTROLS! 401 00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:25,164 [ LAUGHS ] 402 00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:27,188 I MEAN, THIS IS -- THIS IS WHAT 403 00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:28,964 IT'S COME TO IN MY HOUSE. 404 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:29,762 I'M UPSET. 405 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:32,373 I MIGHT WANT TO KILL MYSELF. 406 00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:33,925 >> Biscayne: THANKS, JIM. 407 00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:35,244 COMING UP NEXT WEEK ON 408 00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,365 "NEWSREADERS"... 409 00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:37,709 WI-FI NETWORK NAMES. 410 00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,205 WE'LL TELL YOU WHICH ONES WILL 411 00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:40,836 INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF HAVING 412 00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,381 SEX WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR. 413 00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:44,875 AND IT'S CALLED ST. LOUIS-STYLE 414 00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,848 PIZZA, AND THIS GUY THINKS IT'S 415 00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:47,377 A THING. 416 00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,680 I'M REAGAN BISCAYNE. 417 00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:50,823 GOOD NIGHT. 26136

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