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>> Biscayne: TONIGHT ON
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"NEWSREADERS," MANY CO-WORKERS
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USE THE PHRASE THE "INTERWEBS"
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WHEN THEY REALLY MEAN THE
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"INTERNET."
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AND MANY OF THOSE SAME PEOPLE
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ALSO USE THE PHRASES "THAT'S
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GONNA LEAVE A MARK" AND "THIS IS
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WHY YOU CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS."
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NEW RESEARCH REVEALS WHICH OF
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THESE PHRASES IS MOST ANNOYING.
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ALSO, SINKHOLES -- CAN DINOSAURS
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COME OUT OF THEM?
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ALL THAT AND MORE TONIGHT ON
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"NEWSREADERS."
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"THE PENNSYLVANIA SHOE BUCKET,"
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"THE MICROCLUMP," "BUTTERPANTS."
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WHAT DO ALL OF THESE THINGS HAVE
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IN COMMON?
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THEY ARE ALL THINGS NO ONE HAS
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EVER HEARD OF.
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AND NOW YOU CAN ADD TO THAT LIST
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THIS MAN.
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HIS NAME IS JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR.
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WHILE YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER
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HEARD OF HIM, YOU'VE CERTAINLY
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HEARD OF HIS JOB.
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JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR WAS ONCE THE
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PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
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OF AMERICA, SERVING FROM 1889 TO
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1893, AFTER GROVER CLEVELAND AND
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BEFORE BENJAMIN HARRISON.
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THIS ALL COMES TO LIGHT IN
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"ANNARBOR: A LOST ICON," A
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CONTROVERSIAL NEW DOCUMENTARY
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FROM FILMMAKER PHILLIP BAKER.
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BAKER GAVE "NEWSREADERS" AN
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EARLY PEEK AT THE FILM.
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>> HELLO.
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I'M AMERICAN SINGER/SONGWRITER
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BILLY RAY CYRUS.
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JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR -- WHO WAS
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HE?
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LITTLE IS KNOWN OF ANNARBOR'S
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CHILDHOOD.
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IN A LETTER TO HER HUSBAND,
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GRADE-SCHOOL TEACHER
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ANNABELLE McQUILKIN WROTE...
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>> JOHNSON EXCELS AT MATHS,
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CALLIGRAPHY, AND CABINETMAKING,
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AND EXHIBITS GREAT LEADERSHIP
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POTENTIAL.
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I DO DECLARE, THAT LITTLE MAN
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COULD BE PRESIDENT OF THE
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UNITED STATES ONE DAY.
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>> Biscayne: FOR PHILLIP BAKER,
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IT'S UNCLEAR IF HE FOUND
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JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR OR IF
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JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR FOUND HIM.
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>> I WAS LOOKING FOR MY NEXT
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DOCUMENTARY, AND I HAPPENED UPON
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A TOP-SECRET FILE DETAILING THE
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EXISTENCE OF AN UNKNOWN AMERICAN
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PRESIDENT...
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JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR.
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WHAT I SAW AMAZED ME.
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OLD-TIMEY DOCUMENT AFTER
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OLD-TIMEY DOCUMENT AFTER
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OLD-TIMEY DOCUMENT AFTER
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OLD-TIMEY DOC--
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>> Biscayne: LET ME STOP YOU
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THERE.
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HOW -- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT THEY
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WERE REAL OLD-TIMEY DOCUMENTS?
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>> THEY'RE YELLOWISH AND BRITTLE
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TO THE TOUCH, JUST FELL RIGHT
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APART, SOME OF THEM.
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OF COURSE THEY'RE REAL.
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AND THEY -- THEY -- THEY
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DOCUMENT LANDMARK MOMENTS WHICH
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HE PRESIDED OVER.
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I MEAN, FOR EXAMPLE, THE
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STOVEPIPE HAT AND BACON TAX
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SCANDAL, THE MISSISSIPPI
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COMPROMISE COMPROMISE ACCORD,
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THE FURRY RIVER TRADE EMBARGO,
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AND OF COURSE THE SALEM GHOST
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TOSS.
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>> Biscayne: WHY WOULD ALL OF
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THIS BE LEFT OUT OF THE
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HISTORY BOOKS?
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>> THE ANSWER WILL SHOCK YOU.
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>> Biscayne: TRY ME.
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I'VE SEEN A LOT OF FREAKY STUFF.
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>> WHITE SLAVERY.
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>> Biscayne: WHITE SLAVERY.
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>> WHITE SLAVERY.
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ABRAHAM LINCOLN FORGOT TO FREE
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ALL THE WHITE SLAVES IN THE
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EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION.
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>> Biscayne: AH.
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>> JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR HAD
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HUNDREDS OF WHITE SLAVES WELL
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INTO THE 20th CENTURY --
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HUNDREDS OF THEM.
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WHEN HARRISON TOOK OFFICE, HE
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EXPUNGED ALL RECORD OF ANNARBOR
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FROM THE LEDGERS.
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>> Biscayne: I'M SORRY.
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WHAT LEDGERS?
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>> THE LEDGERS, THE HISTORY
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LEDGERS.
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YOU KNOW.
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YOU SHOULD CHECK THEM OUT -- SO
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YELLOWISH.
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>> Biscayne: PHILLIP BAKER'S
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SENSATIONAL FINDINGS HAVE
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OUTRAGED MANY IN THE ACADEMIC
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COMMUNITY.
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PRITCHARD BATCHMAN IS A
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PRESIDENTIAL SCHOLAR AT
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HARVARD UNIVERSITY.
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>> THERE IS NOT ONE PIECE OF
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DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE THAT
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JOHNSON P. ANNARBOR EVER
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EXISTED.
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I-I-I'M LIVID ABOUT IT.
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>> NEVER EXISTED?!
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NEVER EXISTED?!
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WELL, YOU TELL MR. HARVARD
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PROFESSOR -- WAS HE ALIVE IN THE
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1800s?
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DID -- DID HE SNEAK INTO THE
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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS AND STEAL
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YELLOWISH FILES?
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IF NOT, THEN HE BETTER SHUT HIS
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PRETTY, LITTLE MOUTH.
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>> HE SAID THAT?
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>> Biscayne: MM.
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>> HE SAID "PRETTY, LITTLE
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MOUTH"?
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>> Biscayne: THOSE WERE HIS
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WORDS, YES.
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>> I WILL CHOP OFF HIS HEAD WITH
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A SWORD!
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>> Biscayne: BAKER SAYS HIS
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DOCUMENTARY SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.
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>> AS A CONGRESSMAN, ANNARBOR'S
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AGGRESSIVE OPPOSITION TO THE
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MISSOURI BAKED BEANS TARIFF ACT
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PUSHED HIM TO THE FRONT OF THE
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REPUBLICAN PARTY.
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IN 1889, HE WAS ELECTED
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PRESIDENT.
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IT WAS THE FIRST TIME A NOMINEE
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WON NEITHER THE POPULAR NOR THE
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ELECTORAL VOTE.
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>> WHAT?!
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HOW -- THAT'S NOT EVEN --
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THAT'S -- HOW IS THAT EVEN --
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THAT'S NOT -- WHAT WAS THE OTHER
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THING?
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>> Biscayne: THE MISSOURI
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BAKED BEANS TARIFF ACT.
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>> THAT'S NOT -- UGH!
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HUMANS SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO
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MURDER ONE PERSON.
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I SWEAR, I WOULD DA--
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YEAH!
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>> Biscayne: PHILLIP BAKER
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HOPES HIS FILM WILL MAKE PEOPLE
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RECONSIDER HISTORY AND CONSIDER
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HIM THE NEXT KEN BURNS.
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>> IN MISSISSIPPI, ANNARBOR
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SUGGESTED A COMPROMISE TO THE
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COMPROMISE, AND AN ACCORD WAS
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SIGNED.
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>> THIS IS CALLED THE ZOOMY
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ZOOM.
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IT'S JUST A STANDARD ZOOM, BUT
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WITH ZOOMY ZOOM, I CAN ZOOM IN
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AND OUT REALLY FAST, YOU SEE?
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ZOOMY ZOOM, ZOOMY ZOOM, ZOOMY
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ZOOM.
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I'VE ALSO INVENTED THE MEGA
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PUSH, THE -- OH, THE CRAZY-ASS
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FADE, THE TRIPLE-NIPPLE JUMP
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CUT, THE WET WIPE, AND OF COURSE
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MY FAVORITE, THE VERY, VERY SLOW
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DISSOLVE.
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YOU SEE?
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>> Biscayne: NOTHING'S
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HAPPENING.
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>> YEAH, WELL, IT'S JUST -- IT'S
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JUST GONNA TAKE A WHILE.
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THOSE ARE ALL TRADEMARKED.
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>> THIS WHOLE THING IS JUST AN
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ELABORATE PLOT SO THIS HACK CAN
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SELL EDITING TECHNIQUES TO APPLE
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COMPUTER.
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THE GUY IS A HUGE DICKWEED.
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I LITERALLY -- I LITERALLY WANT
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TO WATCH HIM DIE!
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[ Straining ] I -- I LITERALLY.
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I SO --
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[ Grunting ] OH, GOD, I WANT TO
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WATCH HIM DIE SO BAD.
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[ SIGHS ]
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I CAN'T DO IT.
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>> Biscayne: DO YOU WANT A
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LITTLE HELP ON THAT MAYBE?
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>> YOU WANT TO GIVE IT A WHIRL?
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SURE.
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>> Biscayne: I'VE NEVER TRIED.
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>> TRY FOR THAT.
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>> Biscayne: OH, BOY.
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>> YEAH.
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IT'S A LOT HARDER THAN IT LOOKS.
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>> Biscayne: GOOD GOSH.
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>> GIVE ME ONE MORE GO.
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>> Biscayne: AH, THERE'S A
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LITTLE -- I STARTED IT FOR YOU.
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>> GOT IT STARTED.
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HERE WE GO. READY?
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[ GRUNTS ]
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>> Biscayne: DO IT!
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DESPITE ALL THE CRITICISM,
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PHILLIP BAKER MAINTAINS THAT HIS
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DOCUMENTARY IS 100% ACCURATE.
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THESE DAYS, HE'S HARD AT WORK ON
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HIS NEXT FILM, A DOCUMENTARY
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ABOUT GERPLUNKIMO, A
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LESSER-KNOWN COUSIN OF THE GREAT
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NATIVE AMERICAN, GERONIMO.
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ACCORDING TO BAKER, THIS APACHE
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CHIEF INVENTED THE NOSE CLEAVER,
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THE COLOR SKY BLACK, AND
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ELECTRICITY, AND IT'S ALL IN HIS
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NEW FILM,
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"GERPLUNKIMO: A RECKONING."
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>> GERPLUNKIMO?
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WHA-- YES, HE WAS GERONIMO'S
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COUSIN.
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YES, I THANK HIM EVERY DAY THAT
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I REACH FOR A SKY-BLACK CRAYON.
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BUT HE DID NOT INVENT THE NOSE
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CLEAVER!
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AND I WILL LITERALLY MURDER AND
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EAT ANYONE WHO MAKES A FILM
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SAYING THAT HE DID.
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I AM AS SERIOUS AS A HEART
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ATTACK!
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TELL ME WHERE HE LIVES!
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YOU TELL ME RIGHT NOW!
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YOU TELL ME RIGHT NOW!
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>> Biscayne: "GERPLUNKIMO: A
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RECKONING" WILL BE AVAILABLE ON
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LOCAL PBS STATIONS JUST AS SOON
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AS SOMEONE CONTRIBUTES TO
260
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:05,785
PHILLIP BAKER'S KICKSTARTER
261
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:06,663
CAMPAIGN.
262
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:08,730
SPEAKING OF PEOPLE ALMOST NOBODY
263
00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:10,599
HAS HEARD OF, "NEWSREADERS'" OWN
264
00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:12,068
MARBY ENNIS, WHO I WENT ON ONE
265
00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:13,795
DATE WITH, WAS SENTENCED TO
266
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,771
HOUSE ARREST AND FILED THIS
267
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:16,939
REPORT TWO MONTHS INTO HER
268
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,807
YEAR-LONG HOME CONFINEMENT.
269
00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:19,869
MARBY.
270
00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:21,043
>> THANKS, REAGAN.
271
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,611
SINCE THE DAWN OF SOCIETY,
272
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:23,940
GOVERNMENTS HAVE SPIED ON BOTH
273
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,614
ALLIES AND ENEMIES ALIKE, BUT DO
274
00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:28,017
THEY GO TOO FAR?
275
00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:30,145
SURVEILLANCE EXPERT SIMBA SAYS
276
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:31,620
YES.
277
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:33,049
[ High-pitched voice ] MEOW,
278
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:34,823
MEOW, TOO FAR, MEOW, MEOW.
279
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:35,662
[ CHUCKLES ]
280
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:36,956
[ Normal voice ] BUT THIS POINT
281
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,627
OF VIEW IS OVERLY SIMPLISTIC AND
282
00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:40,626
MAKES PEOPLE LIKE SIMBA SEEM
283
00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,758
LIKE DUMB KITTY CATS, JUST BAD,
284
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,933
STUPID KITTY CATS.
285
00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:46,902
TAKE AMERICA AND RUSSIA, OKAY?
286
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:47,940
WE'RE FRIENDS NOW.
287
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:49,635
WE'RE ALLIES WITH BENEFITS, AND
288
00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:50,667
SOMETIMES WE NEED TO SNOOP
289
00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:51,911
AROUND ON THEM JUST TO MAKE SURE
290
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:53,605
THEY'RE NOT UP TO NO GOOD.
291
00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:54,137
I HEARD THAT ONCE WE
292
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,611
IMPERSONATED A MAILMAN JUST SO
293
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,079
WE COULD READ AND TOUCH AND
294
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,147
SMELL RUSSIA'S MAIL.
295
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,646
AND THAT'S FINE.
296
00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:01,878
ALSO, IT'S COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE
297
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:02,782
TO PROVE!
298
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:04,953
[ Laughing ] YOU KNOW?
299
00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:06,922
THE POINT IS, NO MATTER WHAT WE
300
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,790
DO, IT DOESN'T AFFECT OUR
301
00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:10,059
RELATIONSHIP WITH RUSSIA IN THE
302
00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:11,087
LEAST.
303
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:13,061
TAKE THIS FOR AN EXAMPLE.
304
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:14,730
RUSSIA USED TO BE CALLED THE
305
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,158
SOVIET UNION, AND THEN IT
306
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,703
CHANGED ITS NAME TO RUSSIA.
307
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,668
AND WE WERE LIKE, "OKAY, COOL."
308
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:20,627
YOU KNOW?
309
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:21,674
LIKE ME -- MY NAME USED TO BE
310
00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:23,039
MARBY ENNIS, BUT THEN I CHANGED
311
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:24,806
MY NAME TO MARBY BISCAYNE, AND
312
00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:26,805
SO PEOPLE SAY, "OH, BISCAYNE --
313
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:28,137
THAT'S THE SAME LAST NAME AS
314
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:29,781
REAGAN BISCAYNE, THE HOST OF
315
00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:30,707
'NEWSREADERS.'
316
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:31,911
ARE YOU GUYS MARRIED?"
317
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:34,982
AND I SAY, "WELL, MARRIAGE IS
318
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:36,622
JUST A WORD.
319
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:38,147
WHAT DO YOU THINK, REAGAN?"
320
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:39,821
AND THEN REAGAN WOULD SAY --
321
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,090
'CAUSE HE'D BE SITTING RIGHT
322
00:08:41,088 --> 00:08:42,718
HERE -- HE'D SAY, "OH, I DIDN'T
323
00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:43,963
HEAR WHAT ANYBODY ELSE SAID
324
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:47,127
BECAUSE ALL I HEAR IS YOU AND
325
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,827
ALL I SEE IS YOU.
326
00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:52,830
TASTE MEANS NOTHING, UNLESS IT'S
327
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,973
YOU I'M TASTING.
328
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,738
JUST FILL ME UP.
329
00:08:57,738 --> 00:08:59,208
FILL ME UP WITH YOUR LIPS AND
330
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:01,206
YOUR MOUTH."
331
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,908
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT,
332
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,180
YOU DUMB CAT?
333
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,747
STUPID CAT.
334
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:06,706
[ High-pitched voice ] MEOW.
335
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:07,854
I'M AN EXPERT.
336
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:10,648
SURVEILLANCE IS SO BAD.
337
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:11,621
[ Normal voice ] WELL, WHAT DO
338
00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:11,989
YOU KNOW?
339
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:12,945
HOW'D YOU GET TO BE THE EXPERT
340
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:13,693
ON ANYTHING?
341
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:15,257
YOU'RE SO DUMB.
342
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,825
I HOPE YOU EAT POISON AND DIE.
343
00:09:17,825 --> 00:09:20,725
BACK TO YOU, REAGAN.
344
00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:24,628
>> Biscayne: UH, THANKS, MARBY.
345
00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:25,902
WELL, SKIP REMING IS HERE
346
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,269
TONIGHT, AND IF YOU GUESSED
347
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:28,697
HE'LL BE TALKING ABOUT WHICH
348
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:30,072
PRESIDENTS WERE CONCAVE-CHESTED
349
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,840
CHICKEN HAWKS, THAT'S NEXT WEEK.
350
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,139
THIS WEEK, HE'S GOT SOMETHING
351
00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:34,740
ELSE ON HIS MIND.
352
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:35,642
SKIP.
353
00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:36,183
>> SKIP REMING HERE FOR
354
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:38,006
EARTHQUAKE SAFETY.
355
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:40,011
OLD SKIP REMING'S HAD HIS OPIUM
356
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,753
PIPE RATTLED MORE THAN A FEW
357
00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:43,749
TIMES BY THE DIRT GOBLIN'S
358
00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:44,721
MISCHIEF.
359
00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:45,818
TAKE IT FROM ME.
360
00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:47,759
YOU CAN'T WAIT TILL A QUAKE HITS
361
00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:48,955
TO GET PREPARED.
362
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:50,756
AND THAT MEANS PUTTING TOGETHER
363
00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:52,828
AN EMERGENCY KIT LIKE THIS ONE.
364
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:53,956
LET'S SEE.
365
00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:55,761
HERE'S SOME KIND OF CLEAR
366
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:58,173
WHISKEY, A FEW OF THESE WAXY
367
00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,965
PLEASURE STICKS THEY USED ON ME
368
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:02,167
IN THAT THAI BROTHEL.
369
00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:03,939
WHERE'S THE DEVILED EGGS AND
370
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:04,937
BRASS KNUCKLES?
371
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:05,968
WHERE'S THE LITTLE HAWAIIAN BOY
372
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:09,183
TO USE AS ZOMBIE BAIT?
373
00:10:09,176 --> 00:10:10,876
DID YOU FEEL THAT?
374
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:14,048
IT'S THE BIG ONE!
375
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,777
YOU WANT TO DANCE?!
376
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,793
GET AWAY FROM MY PLEASURE STICK,
377
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:22,185
YOU ZOMBIES!
378
00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:24,789
[ PANTING ]
379
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:26,092
THAT WASN'T AN EARTHQUAKE AFTER
380
00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:26,933
ALL, WAS IT?
381
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:29,827
WELL...
382
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:32,900
THAT HAPPENS SOMETIMES.
383
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:33,900
>> Biscayne: NEXT WEEK ON
384
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:34,941
"NEWSREADERS," SCRATCH-OFF
385
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:36,695
LOTTERY TICKETS -- A REPORT ON
386
00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:37,844
THE FACT THAT THE STUFF YOU
387
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:39,808
SCRATCH OFF KILLS BRAIN CELLS,
388
00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:43,037
LEADING YOU TO BUY MORE TICKETS.
389
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:44,753
ACTUALLY, THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE
390
00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:45,945
WHOLE STORY, SO THERE'S NO NEED
391
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:46,946
TO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THAT
392
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:47,877
ONE.
393
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:49,081
I'M REAGAN BISCAYNE.
394
00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:50,182
GOOD NIGHT.
24894
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