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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,569 --> 00:00:02,799 >> Biscayne: COMING UP ON 2 00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:03,703 "NEWSREADERS"... 3 00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:05,174 MAXDUDE MAGAZINE'S HOMETOWN 4 00:00:05,173 --> 00:00:06,313 HOT BODIES FROM 2005 -- 5 00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:07,807 WHERE ARE THEY NOW? 6 00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:09,038 MOSTLY, STILL IN THEIR 7 00:00:09,043 --> 00:00:10,213 HOMETOWNS, AND A LOT OF THEM 8 00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:11,611 HAVE KIDS AND ARE NOW DIVORCED. 9 00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:13,252 ALSO, DO YOU HAVE A CHILDREN'S 10 00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:14,147 BOOK IN YOU? 11 00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:15,818 NO, BUT YOU THINK YOU DO. 12 00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:17,786 ALL THAT AND MORE, TONIGHT ON 13 00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:19,685 "NEWSREADERS." 14 00:00:28,596 --> 00:00:30,656 UNLESS YOU HAVE A SAMSUNG GALAXY 15 00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:32,734 OR A MOTOROLA RAZR THAT YOU USE 16 00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:34,773 IRONICALLY, CHANCES ARE YOU HAVE 17 00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:35,798 AN iPhone. 18 00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:37,713 DID YOU KNOW THAT LIKE TOMATOES 19 00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,335 AND CANADIANS, iPhone's COME 20 00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:40,340 FROM SOMEWHERE? 21 00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:41,611 THAT'S THE STORY XANDRA DENT 22 00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:42,609 BRINGS US IN TONIGHT'S 23 00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:43,810 "XANDRA'S TECHZINE." 24 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,588 >> WHEN "NEWSREADERS" ASKED ME 25 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:52,745 TO DO AN iPhone STORY, I WAS 26 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,093 LIKE, "CAN I DRESS LIKE A 27 00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:55,318 WATERMELON FROM FRUIT NINJA?" 28 00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:57,086 BUT WHEN THEY TOLD ME I'D BE 29 00:00:57,091 --> 00:00:58,691 TRACKING THE JOURNEY THE PHONE 30 00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:00,332 TAKES OR WHATEVER, I WAS LIKE, 31 00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:02,158 "WITH A 'NEWSREADERS' PRODUCER? 32 00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:02,733 NO WAY." 33 00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:04,300 I CAUGHT ONE OF THOSE RAPISTS 34 00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:06,298 GOOGLING PICS OF MY FEET. 35 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,240 BUT I DECIDED TO DO THE STORY 36 00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:10,196 ANYWAY BECAUSE OUR CAMERA MAN 37 00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:11,714 HATES PRODUCERS, KNOWS 38 00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:13,635 MIXED MARTIAL ARTS, AND LOOKS 39 00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:15,181 LIKE VIN DIESEL. 40 00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:16,836 SO HOW DOES THE iPhone GET INTO 41 00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:17,784 YOUR POCKET? 42 00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:19,648 IT TAKES TONS OF WORKER BEES TO 43 00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:21,677 DO THAT, WORKER BEES LIKE 44 00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:22,782 COREY FIRFE. 45 00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,353 HE'S ONE OF THE NERDS WHO MAKES 46 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:25,792 THE iPhone TICK OR TWINKLE OR 47 00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:26,786 GONG OR WHATEVER. 48 00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:29,657 FYI, I DIY MY OWN TONES IN 49 00:01:29,657 --> 00:01:31,657 GarageBand. 50 00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,159 SO WHAT DO YOU, LIKE, DO ALL 51 00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:34,231 DAY. 52 00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:36,128 >> MY TEAM CODES CUSTOMIZATION 53 00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:37,700 OPS, FOLDER PRIORITIZATION, 54 00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:38,768 UM... 55 00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,326 OH, YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU WANT 56 00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:43,274 TO MOVE AN APP AND IT WOBBLES? 57 00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:44,171 THAT'S MINE. 58 00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,412 >> WAIT. YOU DID THE WOBBLE? 59 00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:47,137 >> YEAH. 60 00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:48,141 >> OH, MY F'ing G. 61 00:01:48,142 --> 00:01:49,182 I LOVE THE WOBBLE. 62 00:01:49,177 --> 00:01:50,637 ONE TIME, I WOBBLED FOR SO LONG 63 00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:51,854 THAT I LOST TRACK OF TIME AND 64 00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:53,305 GOT SO DEHYDRATED, I HAD TO GO 65 00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:54,724 TO THE E.R. 66 00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:55,675 >> WOW. 67 00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:57,353 >> THAT'S THE SOFTWARE. 68 00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,391 BUT WHAT ABOUT THE HARDWARE? 69 00:01:59,387 --> 00:02:01,257 >> WHO MAKES THE PHYSICAL PHONE? 70 00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:02,415 WELL, THOUSANDS OF OUTSIDE 71 00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:03,923 CONTRACTORS ALL OVER THE WORLD 72 00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:05,194 DO LITTLE TINY THINGS. 73 00:02:05,193 --> 00:02:06,193 THERE'S A FACTORY IN 74 00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:07,434 GRAND RAPIDS, MICHIGAN, WHOSE 75 00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:08,698 ONLY JOB IS TO BEVEL THE 76 00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:10,156 SIM CARD TRAY. 77 00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:11,304 >> I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU 78 00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:12,869 ANYMORE. 79 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,336 THE TRIP TO GRAND RAPIDS WAS 80 00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:14,795 BUMPY. 81 00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,302 MY PRODUCER KEPT PRETENDING HE 82 00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:17,774 WAS ASLEEP SO HE COULD PUT HIS 83 00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:18,811 HEAD ON MY SHOULDER. 84 00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:19,906 THANK GOD THE MALE FLIGHT 85 00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,377 ATTENDANT LIKED MY "HAPPY DAYS" 86 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:21,805 SHIRT. 87 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:25,209 THAT MEANT FREE CHARDONN-AYY! 88 00:02:25,213 --> 00:02:26,783 FROSTEK MOBILE MAKES THAT THINGY 89 00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:28,350 THAT GOES INSIDE THE PHONE THAT 90 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:29,879 CHUBBY-WAN KENOBI WOULDN'T SHUT 91 00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:30,853 UP ABOUT. 92 00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:33,251 THE BUSY FACTORY WAS LOUD, HOT, 93 00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:34,724 AND SUPER-HOT. 94 00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:35,392 [ GIGGLES ] 95 00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,329 SO WHAT IS ALL THIS JUNK? 96 00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:38,725 >> WELL, THIS IS A HOT INJECTION 97 00:02:38,726 --> 00:02:39,726 MOLDER FOR SIM CARDS. 98 00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:40,857 >> IT'S HOT INJECTION. 99 00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,301 >> [ GIGGLES ] SHUT UP. 100 00:02:42,296 --> 00:02:43,326 YOU'RE SUCH A DORK. 101 00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:44,901 >> IT MOLDS HIGH-HEAT METALS 102 00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:46,268 LIKE SILVER IODENIUM NUMBER 2. 103 00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:47,467 >> RIGHT, SO WHERE DO THEY TAKE 104 00:02:47,468 --> 00:02:48,738 ALL THE GARBAGE STUFF THAT YOU 105 00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:49,866 MAKE AND, LIKE, PUT IT IN THE 106 00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:50,740 PHONE? 107 00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:51,868 >> MOST OF THE MANUFACTURING IS 108 00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:52,472 DONE IN CHINA. 109 00:02:52,473 --> 00:02:53,973 >> I LOVE CHINA. 110 00:02:53,974 --> 00:02:55,344 [ HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE ] 111 00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:56,713 I HAVE TO GO TO THE AIRPORT. 112 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:57,780 >> WE CAN TAKE MY TRUCK. 113 00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:58,978 THE GEAR SHIFT'S A BEER-TAP 114 00:02:58,979 --> 00:02:59,479 HANDLE. 115 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:00,750 >> BOSS. 116 00:03:00,748 --> 00:03:02,218 I'M TOTALLY GONNA HAVE SEX WITH 117 00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,776 YOUR SON. 118 00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,354 MY JOURNEY TO TRACE THE iPhone's 119 00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:06,793 JOURNEY WAS JUST BEGINNING. 120 00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:08,317 I WENT ALL THE WAY TO CHINA TO 121 00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:09,822 CHECK OUT ONE OF THE GINORMOUS 122 00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:11,333 FACTORIES WHERE THEY MAKE THE 123 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:12,425 PHONES. 124 00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:14,296 I THOUGHT JAPAN WAS CHINA. 125 00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:15,995 TURNS OUT IT'S MACRO DIFF. 126 00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:16,726 MY BAD. 127 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,000 ALSO THEY SEEM TO REALLY BE MAD 128 00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:19,428 AT MY iPhone FOR SOME REASON. 129 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:20,803 >> [ GRUNTS ] 130 00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,301 >> THEN THE POLICE FREAKED THE 131 00:03:22,303 --> 00:03:22,943 "F" OUT ON ME. 132 00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:24,366 THEY SAID I CAUSED A RIOT... 133 00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:25,812 NO -- I'M XANDRA DENT FROM 134 00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:26,736 "NEWSREADERS." 135 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,280 ...ARRESTED ME FOR DISTURBING 136 00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:31,506 THE PEACE, AND THREW ME IN JAIL. 137 00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:33,512 THE HORRIBLE RACIST STEREOTYPES 138 00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:35,284 THAT CHINESE PEOPLE ARE AN 139 00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:36,953 ANCIENT CULTURE WHO INVENTED 140 00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,520 FIREWORKS AND HUGE WALLS 141 00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:39,989 COULDN'T BE FURTHER FROM THE 142 00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:40,547 TRUTH. 143 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,524 I FOUND THEM TO BE A PROUD AND 144 00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:44,893 VERY HUNGRY PEOPLE WHO FOUND ME 145 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,262 TOTALLY ADORBS. 146 00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:46,790 ANYONE? 147 00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:48,364 AND I'M PROUD TO CALL THOSE 148 00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:49,862 SLANTY-EYED CHING-CHONGS MY 149 00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:52,373 FRIENDS. 150 00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:54,836 >> [ SPEAKING CHINESE ] 151 00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:56,435 [ LAUGHTER ] 152 00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:57,467 >> [ LAUGHS ] 153 00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:58,811 AFTER SPENDING WEEKS IN A 154 00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:00,266 CHINESE JAIL WIPING MYSELF WITH 155 00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:00,944 CHOPSTICKS... 156 00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:02,441 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 157 00:04:02,443 --> 00:04:03,883 I LOST 10 POUNDS. 158 00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:04,547 IT WAS GREAT. 159 00:04:04,545 --> 00:04:05,945 ...YOU THINK I'D GO HOME, BUT I 160 00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:07,446 STILL HAD TO FIND THE STUFF THAT 161 00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:08,848 MAKES THE STUFF THAT MAKES THE 162 00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:09,319 PHONE. 163 00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:12,387 I'M THAT RAD. 164 00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,356 I CONTINUED MY JOURNEY HERE TO 165 00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:16,315 AFRICA WHERE BONO BUYS ALL HIS 166 00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,394 T-SHIRTS AND WHERE THEY MINE THE 167 00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:20,292 SILVER FOR THE iPhone's MAIN 168 00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:21,904 VEINS THAT GO INSIDE THEIR 169 00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:23,825 "DON'T YOU WANT TO TOUCH ME?" 170 00:04:23,831 --> 00:04:24,971 SCREENS. 171 00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:25,995 HI! 172 00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:27,839 THOSE TOOLS AT THE VERIZON STORE 173 00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:29,295 COULD LEARN A LITTLE ABOUT 174 00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:30,873 GETTING THE JOB DONE FROM THESE 175 00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:31,471 WORKERS. 176 00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,312 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HARD 177 00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:33,567 WORK. 178 00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:34,444 DO YOU USE GarageBand? 179 00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:35,512 >> [ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ] 180 00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:39,409 >> [ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ] 181 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:40,883 >> HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT THIS 182 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:41,321 IS. 183 00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:42,575 >> OH, THIS IS THE iPhone HE 184 00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:44,323 HELPED MAKE -- TOTALLY WORTH THE 185 00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:46,348 $500 IT COST. 186 00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:47,864 HE AND HIS CO-WORKERS ARE LIKE 187 00:04:47,855 --> 00:04:48,885 KINGS IN MY COUNTRY. 188 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,389 WE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO MAKE A 189 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:51,891 PHONE CALL OR PLAY CANDY CRUSH. 190 00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:52,862 WHAT'S GOING ON? 191 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,060 >> HE'S EXPLAINING BASIC 192 00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:55,861 MACROECONOMY TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T 193 00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:56,903 SEE MONEY FROM THEIR 194 00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:57,967 BACK-BREAKING WORK. 195 00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,865 [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] 196 00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:00,997 >> OH, COOL! 197 00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:03,541 THIS IS SO "RESIDENT EVIL!" 198 00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:05,607 DIE, ZOMBIE GUARD! 199 00:05:05,606 --> 00:05:06,566 [ GUNFIRE ] 200 00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:08,344 >> Biscayne: XANDRA DENT IS NO A 201 00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:09,512 CHILD SOLDIER IN LIBERIA. 202 00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:10,980 FOR MORE ON THAT STORY, YOU CAN 203 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:14,348 TUNE INTO "VICE TV" ON HBO. 204 00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:15,548 BUT IF YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT 205 00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:16,879 FOOD, KEEP IT TUNED IN RIGHT 206 00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:17,354 HERE. 207 00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:19,351 AMERICA'S NOT ONLY OBESE WITH 208 00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:19,893 FOOD. 209 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,117 IT'S OBSESSED WITH IT. 210 00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:22,891 AND AS AMIR LARUSSA REPORTS, 211 00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:24,490 WHEN IT COMES TO EATING OUT, 212 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:26,362 THERE'S ONE THING AMERICANS LOVE 213 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,930 TO EAT IN -- THEME RESTAURANTS. 214 00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:30,899 >> THESE DAYS, THEME RESTAURANTS 215 00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:32,528 ARE POPPING UP EVERYWHERE. 216 00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,643 FROM SCANTILY-CLAD WAITRESSES 217 00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:36,895 SERVING WINGS TO SCANTILY-CLAD 218 00:05:36,904 --> 00:05:39,074 WAITRESSES WEARING WINGS SERVING 219 00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:41,382 WINGS, AMERICA LOVES ITS GRUB 220 00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:43,375 WITH A GIMMICK. 221 00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:44,877 GEORGE DILLARD OF LEWTON, 222 00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:46,008 FLORIDA, THOUGHT HIS 223 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,583 MEDIEVAL-THEMED RESTAURANT, 224 00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,081 CATAPULTS, WOULD BE A HUGE 225 00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:50,452 SUCCESS. 226 00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:51,921 BUT THERE WERE ALMOST NO 227 00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:53,649 CUSTOMERS FOR HIS KNIGHTS AND 228 00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:54,994 WENCHES TO SERVE. 229 00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,058 >> THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO SHOWED UP 230 00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,056 WERE FAT GUYS IN PONYTAILS OR 231 00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,057 PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THEY COULD 232 00:05:58,058 --> 00:05:59,028 WATCH "GAME OF THRONES" ON 233 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,456 SUNDAYS. 234 00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,661 I DIDN'T HAVE HBO IN MY PACKAGE. 235 00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:04,573 >> JUST WHEN CATAPULTS WAS ABOUT 236 00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:06,125 TO CLOSE ITS DOORS FOREVER, 237 00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:07,943 GEORGE DILLARD CAUGHT A LUCKY 238 00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:08,495 BREAK. 239 00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:10,402 >> SOMEONE GOT STABBED. 240 00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:12,544 JIM RAY HAWKINS, A 46-YEAR-OLD 241 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:14,680 TRUCK DRIVER, WAS ACCIDENTALLY 242 00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,935 IMPALED WHILE SIR LANCELOT WAS 243 00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:18,484 CLEANING HIS SWORD. 244 00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:19,949 WITH THAT STABBING, 245 00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:21,547 GEORGE DILLARD REALIZED 246 00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:22,079 SOMETHING. 247 00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:23,552 >> PEOPLE WERE DRAWN TO THE 248 00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:24,181 AUTHENTICITY. 249 00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:26,424 >> IT TURNED OUT, WHAT PEOPLE 250 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:28,020 WANTED WAS A NEW KIND OF 251 00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:29,961 MEDIEVAL RESTAURANT. 252 00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:31,957 SO HE DECIDED TO SIMULATE WHAT 253 00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:33,959 LIVING CONDITIONS WERE ACTUALLY 254 00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:36,431 LIKE IN THE MIDDLE AGES. 255 00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:38,470 HE CREATED A FULLY-AUTHENTIC 256 00:06:38,466 --> 00:06:40,696 FIFTH-CENTURY DINING EXPERIENCE, 257 00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:43,001 COMPLETE WITH SYPHILIS-INFECTED 258 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,713 WAITERS, OPEN FIRES, AND 259 00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:46,465 HISTORICALLY-ACCURATE 260 00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:48,444 AMUSEMENTS. 261 00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,542 DILLARD EVEN INSISTED THAT HIS 262 00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:52,654 EMPLOYEES NOT WASH THEIR HANDS. 263 00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:54,576 AND HE CHANGED THE NAME OF THE 264 00:06:54,582 --> 00:06:56,482 RESTAURANT FROM "CATAPULTS" TO 265 00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:57,454 "PLAGUE." 266 00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:59,591 AND PLAGUE QUICKLY BECAME THE 267 00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,117 PLACE TO BE -- 268 00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:02,961 A CELEBRITY HANG-OUT FOR STARS, 269 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,556 RANGING FROM DESTINY'S CHILD'S 270 00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:06,458 MICHELLE WILLIAMS TO 271 00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:07,660 "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN'S" 272 00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:09,101 MICHELLE WILLIAMS. 273 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,696 >> WE HAD TO TURN PEOPLE AWAY. 274 00:07:10,698 --> 00:07:12,468 >> BECAUSE YOU WERE BOOKED UP. 275 00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:13,166 >> WELL, NO. 276 00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:14,966 MOSTLY BECAUSE THEY WERE JEWS. 277 00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:15,598 'CAUSE THEY COULDN'T COME INTO A 278 00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:16,603 PLACE LIKE THIS IN THE 279 00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:17,204 MIDDLE AGES. 280 00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:18,644 WE WANTED TO BE HISTORICALLY 281 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:19,209 ACCURATE. 282 00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:20,666 >> YOU KNOW THEY DIDN'T HAVE 283 00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:22,014 RESTAURANTS AT ALL IN THE 284 00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:22,679 MIDDLE AGES? 285 00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:24,476 >> OH. 286 00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:26,008 >> YOU JUST ASSUMED LIKE, "OH, 287 00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:27,623 JEWS PROBABLY WEREN'T ALLOWED IN 288 00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:28,145 PLACES." 289 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,748 >> PROBABLY NOT. YEAH. 290 00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:31,080 >> YOU KNOW WHO ELSE PROBABLY 291 00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:32,494 WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ALLOWED IN 292 00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:33,046 RESTAURANTS? 293 00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:37,023 >> MM-HMM. 294 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:39,234 >> DOGS. 295 00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:41,496 >> DESPITE ALL OF ITS SUCCESS, 296 00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:43,125 PLAGUE WASN'T WITHOUT ITS 297 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,000 CRITICS. 298 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,667 A PATRON LOST A FOOT IN THE 299 00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,026 BOILING CHEESE MOAT? 300 00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:47,804 >> SO WHAT? 301 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,541 I MEAN, HALF THE STAFF HERE LOST 302 00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:50,167 FEET TO GOUT. 303 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:52,040 >> A FORMER CHEF CLAIMED THAT HE 304 00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:53,269 ALMOST LOST A THUMB BEING 305 00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:55,113 ATTACKED BY A PACK OF WILD DOGS. 306 00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:57,038 >> A CARELESS CHEF, HUH? 307 00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:58,784 A CARELESS CHEF GOT HIS HAND TOO 308 00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:00,509 CLOSE TO THE CANINE GARBAGE 309 00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:01,284 DISPOSAL SYSTEM. 310 00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:02,751 >> CANINE GARBAGE DISPOSAL? 311 00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:03,780 SOUNDS LIKE "FLINTSTONES" A 312 00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:04,284 LITTLE BIT. 313 00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:05,054 >> BUT IT'S NOT 314 00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:05,792 "THE FLINTSTONES." 315 00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:06,186 >> NO. 316 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,216 >> THESE ANIMALS DON'T TALK. 317 00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:08,290 >> WELL, I DON'T THINK THERE 318 00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:09,588 WERE ANY TALKING DINOSAURS IN 319 00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:10,220 "THE FLINTSTONES." 320 00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,563 THE ELEPHANT SHOWER DIDN'T TALK. 321 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:13,830 THE BIRD REMOTE CONTROL DIDN'T 322 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:14,257 TALK. 323 00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:15,231 >> OH, YES, IT DID. 324 00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:16,198 "IT'S A LIVING." 325 00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:17,196 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 326 00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:18,727 >> "I'M SICK OF DOING THIS." 327 00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:19,532 >> MY BAD. 328 00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:20,203 >> "WHEN'S MY BREAK?" 329 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,540 >> I HAVEN'T SEEN IT IN A WHILE. 330 00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:22,565 >> SEE, BUT THAT'S PREHISTORIC 331 00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:22,840 TIMES. 332 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:23,266 >> YEAH. 333 00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:24,270 >> WHEN YOU GET TO MEDIEVAL 334 00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:25,541 TIMES, ANIMALS STOPPED TALKING. 335 00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,309 >> BUSINESS AT PLAGUE WAS 336 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,707 BOOMING, AND THEN THE THINKABLE 337 00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:30,540 HAPPENED. 338 00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:31,754 >> WELL, ONE OF OUR PATRONS WAS 339 00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,075 DECAPITATED WHILE WAITING FOR 340 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:34,150 THE OX-DRAWN DESSERT CART. 341 00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:35,577 >> BY YOUR GUILLOTINE. 342 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,753 AND THAT TURNED AN AVERAGE 343 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:40,221 TOURIST PHOTO INTO AN AWESOME 344 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,220 TOURIST PHOTO. 345 00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:42,721 >> IT'S NOT FAULT THEN THAT HE 346 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:44,223 DIDN'T READ THE WARNING SIGNS. 347 00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:45,564 >> WELL, THE WARNING SIGN 348 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:49,229 SAID... 349 00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:50,629 I DO A LOT OF STORIES, SO 350 00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:51,771 THERE'S A LOT OF NOTES. 351 00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,165 SHOULD FIGURE OUT A BETTER WAY 352 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,636 TO GET TO THE PAGES THAT I NEED 353 00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:56,095 TO GET TO. 354 00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:57,843 THE WARNING SIGN SAID, 355 00:08:57,838 --> 00:09:00,568 "MONITIO: HAEC AUFERAM 356 00:09:00,574 --> 00:09:01,784 CAPUT TUUM." 357 00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,075 >> IT'S NOT MY FAULT HE DIDN'T 358 00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:03,606 KNOW LATIN. 359 00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:04,711 ALL RIGHT, IT'S ON OUR MONEY, 360 00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:05,712 FOR CHRISSAKES. 361 00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,723 >> GEORGE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO 362 00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:08,845 SHUT PLAGUE DOWN. 363 00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:10,219 >> PEOPLE JUST STOPPED COMING. 364 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,147 I COULDN'T STAY OPEN. 365 00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:12,251 >> BECAUSE OF THE FREQUENT 366 00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:12,722 DEATHS? 367 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,320 >> NO. PEOPLE LOVE THAT. 368 00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:15,891 A TGI-OBGYN OPENED UP ACROSS THE 369 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:16,589 STREET. 370 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:17,760 >> THE RESTAURANT WITH THE 371 00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:18,658 STIRRUP CHAIRS? 372 00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:19,189 >> YEAH. 373 00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:20,592 I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT. 374 00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:21,194 SEX SELLS. 375 00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:22,804 >> THEY HAVE AN ITEM ON THEIR 376 00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:24,096 MENU CALLED "HPVLT." 377 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,597 IT'S A VD-THEMED RESTAURANT. 378 00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:26,899 >> A LOT OF PLACES, THAT'LL 379 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:27,640 SELL. 380 00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:29,335 >> THAT'S SUPER-DISGUSTING. 381 00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:30,736 >> DISGUSTING SELLS, TOO. 382 00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:32,308 >> Biscayne: FINALLY TONIGHT, A 383 00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:33,865 FEW THOUGHTS FROM SKIP REMING. 384 00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:36,284 >> ONLY TWO THINGS SCARE ME IN 385 00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:38,706 THIS WORLD, AND THAT'S TWINS. 386 00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:40,282 PERSONALLY, I CAN THINK OF 387 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,150 EXACTLY THREE USES FOR PEOPLE 388 00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,649 WHO LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE. 389 00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:46,651 ONE, MEAT SAUCE. 390 00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:49,394 TWO, VOTER FRAUD. 391 00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:51,829 THREE, I FORGOT 'CAUSE I THOUGHT 392 00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:53,885 ABOUT TWINS AGAIN, AND I GOT 393 00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:54,904 DISTRACTED. 394 00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:56,695 THEY SAY THE DEVIL HAS A FORKED 395 00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:57,197 TONGUE. 396 00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:58,827 WELL, TWINS ARE LIKE THE DEVIL, 397 00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:00,402 BUT WITH A FORKED EVERYTHING. 398 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,900 THEY'RE TWO ENTIRE FORKED 399 00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:02,642 PEOPLE. 400 00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:04,196 AND TWINS AND FORKS ARE THE 401 00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:05,344 DEVIL'S PLAYTHINGS. 402 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,268 THAT IS WHY I INSIST ON MASHING 403 00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,144 ALL MY FOOD INTO A SOUP THAT I 404 00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,182 CAN EAT WITH A GODLY SPOON. 405 00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:12,208 THAT'S RIGHT. 406 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:15,182 NOT BECAUSE I WEAR DENTURES... 407 00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:15,922 I DON'T. 408 00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:18,186 IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST TWO 409 00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:19,345 OF ANYTHING. 410 00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:20,792 >> Biscayne: NEXT WEEK ON 411 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,288 "NEWSREADERS," WHY IS THIS MAN 412 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:23,659 WEARING NO PANTS? 413 00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:25,427 THE ANSWER WILL SURPRISE YOU. 414 00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:26,925 HE IS WEARING PANTS. 415 00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:28,257 THEY'RE CALLED "SCROTES," AND 416 00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:29,661 WE'LL TELL YOU WHY THEY'RE THE 417 00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:30,803 TALK OF THE FASHION WORLD, 418 00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,798 ALSO, PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO 419 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,270 BUSINESS USING THE WORD "Y'ALL." 420 00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:37,338 FINALLY TONIGHT, A CORRECTION. 421 00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:38,937 LAST WEEK ON THIS PROGRAM, I 422 00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:40,439 SAID, "I'M LOUIS LaFONDA. 423 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:41,270 GOODNIGHT." 424 00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,284 WE'VE FIXED THE TELEPROMPTER AND 425 00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:44,906 APOLOGIZE FOR THE MISTAKE. 426 00:10:44,912 --> 00:10:46,252 I'M LOUIS LaFONDA. 427 00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:47,816 GOODNIGHT. 428 00:10:47,815 --> 00:10:49,715 COME ON. 26827

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