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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:02,295 >> Biscayne: TONIGHT ON 2 00:00:02,303 --> 00:00:03,443 "NEWSREADERS, WE'LL MEET THE 3 00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:05,237 WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING TREE. 4 00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:07,039 HE'S AS RACIST AS YOU MIGHT 5 00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:07,711 EXPECT. 6 00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:09,578 AND DYSLEXIC ZOMBIES. 7 00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:10,777 WE'LL TELL YOU WHY YOU NEED TO 8 00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:12,708 WORRY IF YOUR NAME IS BRIAN. 9 00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:14,723 ALL THAT AND MORE TONIGHT ON 10 00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:16,445 "NEWSREADERS." 11 00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:27,203 FIRST TONIGHT, PARENTS WILL DO 12 00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:28,355 ANYTHING FOR THEIR CHILDREN, 13 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,102 INCLUDING DOING THINGS THAT 14 00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:31,668 NOBODY KNEW...WERE THINGS. 15 00:00:31,665 --> 00:00:33,395 SADEE DEENUS HAS MORE... 16 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,201 ON THOSE THINGS. 17 00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:37,113 >> YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY -- 18 00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:39,205 "PARENTING USED TO BE EASY." 19 00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:41,337 TWO PEOPLE WOULD SMASH, SPLOOGE, 20 00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:42,612 AND THEN WATCH AS THEIR BABY 21 00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:44,210 MATURED INTO A QUARTERBACK OR A 22 00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:45,512 LAWYER OR A WOMAN. 23 00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,776 BUT LIKE SO MANY THINGS, 24 00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:49,351 PARENTING ISN'T SO SIMPLE THESE 25 00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:50,420 DAYS. 26 00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:51,688 >> I LOVE MY SON. 27 00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:52,685 AND I JUST -- 28 00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:54,256 I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING I CAN DO 29 00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:55,555 FOR THAT BOY. 30 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,356 >> YOU'VE HEARD OF "TIGER MOMS" 31 00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:59,128 AND "HELICOPTER PARENTS" WHO TRY 32 00:00:59,127 --> 00:01:00,757 TO CONTROL EVERY ASPECT OF THEIR 33 00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:02,231 CHILDREN'S LIVES. 34 00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:04,430 WELL, MARK JONES OF WEST ORANGE, 35 00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:06,572 NEW JERSEY, IS A "MOTORBOATING 36 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:07,237 DAD." 37 00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:08,665 HE'S TEACHING HIS SON THE 38 00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:09,769 LESSONS THAT AREN'T TAUGHT IN 39 00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,270 THE CLASSROOM. 40 00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:13,305 >> FORGET, LIKE, S.A.T. PREP. 41 00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:14,237 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 42 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:15,382 I FEEL LIKE IF YOU'RE CONFIDENT 43 00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:16,676 ENOUGH TO GRAB A HOT PIECE OF 44 00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,507 ASS, THEN YOU'RE CONFIDENT 45 00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:20,382 ENOUGH TO DO ANYTHING AND GO 46 00:01:20,381 --> 00:01:21,551 ANYWHERE IN LIFE. 47 00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:23,479 HOT WIFE, GOOD LIFE. 48 00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:24,724 >> SO YOU'RE BASICALLY TEACHING 49 00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:26,288 YOUR SON HOW TO ROMANCE WOMEN. 50 00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:28,117 >> I'M TEACHING HIM A SPECIFIC 51 00:01:28,122 --> 00:01:29,792 SKILL-SET THAT HE WILL NEED TO 52 00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:32,430 KNOW WHEN HE HEADS INTO HIS 53 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,326 FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE. 54 00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:35,158 YOU SEE? 55 00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:36,263 I-I'M TEACHING HIM HOW TO COOK 56 00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:38,604 ONE MEAL REALLY WELL, UH, A 57 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,299 LITTLE BIT OF CARPENTRY, OR A 58 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:42,471 FEW DITTIES ON THE GUITAR TO 59 00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:44,470 PLAY AT PARTIES FOR CHICKS. 60 00:01:44,472 --> 00:01:45,812 >> HOW TO SAY, LIKE, "I'M SORRY" 61 00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:46,706 BY, LIKE, FLIPPING YOUR HAIR 62 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:47,277 LIKE... 63 00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:48,805 >> EXACTLY! 64 00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,479 >> MARK GOT INVOLVED WHEN HE SAW 65 00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,148 THAT HIS SON'S STANDARDIZED TEST 66 00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:53,546 SCORES WERE ONLY IN THE 20th 67 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:54,577 PERCENTILE. 68 00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,552 >> WELL, OF COURSE I WISH HE WAS 69 00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:58,290 SMART, BUT I CAN'T MAKE HIM 70 00:01:58,286 --> 00:01:58,746 SMART. 71 00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:00,292 HIS COOLNESS FACTOR WITH THE 72 00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:00,688 LADIES? 73 00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:02,688 WELL, THAT'S STILL WET CONCRETE 74 00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:04,290 THAT I CAN MOLD. 75 00:02:04,292 --> 00:02:04,692 >> NO, NO. 76 00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:05,732 DON'T -- DON'T LOOK AT YOUR 77 00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:06,826 FINGERS 'CAUSE THEN IT LOOKS 78 00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,197 LIKE ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOUR 79 00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:09,226 [Chuckling] FINGERS. 80 00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:10,430 HERE, LOOK. YOU KNOW WHAT? 81 00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:11,701 LOOK AT HER. 82 00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:12,829 LOOK AT HER. 83 00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:14,443 WHO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO. 84 00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:14,765 HUH? 85 00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:16,438 >> HE'S DUBBED HIS LESSONS 86 00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:18,307 "THE BROS AND THE BEES," AND HAS 87 00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:19,366 PUBLISHED A BOOK THAT YOU CAN 88 00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:21,213 BUY WHEREVER BOOKS ARE SOLD -- 89 00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:24,309 SO, AMAZON, BASICALLY. 90 00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:25,652 HIS PHILOSOPHY AND TECHNIQUES 91 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,176 HAVE CAUGHT ON WITH FATHERS 92 00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:27,721 EVERYWHERE. 93 00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:29,375 BUT JUST LIKE MOVIES IN THE ART 94 00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:31,493 WORLD, "MOTORBOATING DADS" HAVE 95 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,185 THEIR CRITICS, CRITICS LIKE 96 00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:33,847 MOTHER-OF-THREE 97 00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,294 CHERYL HINNERMAN. 98 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:36,859 >> I HEARD ABOUT THIS THING, YOU 99 00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:38,457 KNOW, AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT? 100 00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:39,729 DADS ARE DOING THIS?" 101 00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,227 AND THEN THEY WERE LIKE, "YEAH, 102 00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:41,799 I SAW IT ONLINE." 103 00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:42,725 AND I WAS LIKE, "REALLY? 104 00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:43,530 WHAT'S THE WEBSITE?" 105 00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:44,471 AND THEY SAID, "I DON'T 106 00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:45,765 REMEMBER, JUST 'GOOGLE' IT." 107 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,196 UGH, CINDY. 108 00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:49,241 SO, I-I DID. 109 00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:50,797 >> SO YOU FIND THIS REVOLTING? 110 00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:52,244 >> WELL, SURE, BUT EVERYTHING 111 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,510 ABOUT PARENTING IS REVOLTING. 112 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:54,777 I STILL WIPE MY DAUGHTER'S ASS 113 00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:56,275 AND SHE'S 5, BUT THAT IS NOT 114 00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:57,747 SOME CRAZY THING. 115 00:02:57,745 --> 00:02:58,545 LOOK, I JUST -- 116 00:02:58,546 --> 00:02:59,806 I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR TO THE 117 00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,223 NATURALLY HANDSOME BOYS OUT 118 00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:02,475 THERE WHO DON'T KNOW ANYTHING 119 00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:03,883 ABOUT BOB DYLAN. 120 00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,424 >> MARK, SOME CRITICS SAY THAT 121 00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:06,889 IT'S INAPPROPRIATE KNOWLEDGE FOR 122 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,357 A YOUNG CHILD. 123 00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:09,656 >> OH, SO CHIVALRY IS 124 00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:10,687 INAPPROPRIATE? 125 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:11,291 HMM? 126 00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:13,362 KNOWING A LITTLE BIT OF FRENCH, 127 00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:14,701 UH, IS INAPPROPRIATE? 128 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,655 KNOWING HOW TO PUT ON A CONDOM 129 00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:18,804 SUPER-FAST IS INAPPROPRIATE? 130 00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:19,799 >> I DON'T WANT MY DAUGHTER 131 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,300 FALLING PREY TO SOME UGLY 132 00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:23,442 DUM-DUM JUST BECAUSE HE OWNS A 133 00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:24,907 GOLDEN-RETRIEVER PUPPY AND CAN 134 00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:26,235 HACKY-SACK AND GOES TO 135 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,540 "BURNING MAN" OR -- OR WHATEVER 136 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:28,911 THIS STUPID GARBAGE THEY'RE 137 00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:30,539 BEING TAUGHT BY THESE DADS. 138 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:31,684 >> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. 139 00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:33,849 IF TEACHING MY KID HOW TO 140 00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:36,317 PRETEND TO LISTEN OR HOW TO 141 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:38,587 PROPOSE A CUDDLE SESSION IS 142 00:03:38,586 --> 00:03:41,416 EVIL, THEN I CHALLENGE SOMEONE 143 00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:42,922 FROM THE FUTURE TO COME BACK IN 144 00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:45,693 TIME AND MURDER ME RIGHT NOW AS 145 00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:47,963 IF I WAS SOME SORT OF HITLER. 146 00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:51,998 WHERE ARE THEY? 147 00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:52,869 THEY'RE NOT HERE, ARE THEY? 148 00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:53,526 >> NO. 149 00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:54,744 >> I DON'T SEE ANYONE. 150 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,395 RIGHT, SO WHAT DOES THAT TELL 151 00:03:56,404 --> 00:03:56,874 YOU? 152 00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,840 >> WELL, THAT TIME TRAVEL MIGHT 153 00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:00,409 NOT EXIST, PERHAPS? 154 00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:01,438 >> IN THE FUTURE, IT TOTALLY 155 00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:02,682 EXISTS. 156 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:06,709 >> Biscayne: HMM. 157 00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:08,354 THANKS, SADEE. 158 00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,319 I THINK YOU MAY HAVE MISSED THE 159 00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:11,017 BIGGER STORY THERE. 160 00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:13,448 NEXT, GAME SHOWS. 161 00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:14,624 SINCE THE DAYS OF RADIO, 162 00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:15,822 TELEVISION GAME-SHOWS HAVE 163 00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:16,693 ENTHRALLED US. 164 00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:17,830 WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO THE 165 00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:18,855 WINNERS -- THEY NEVER SHUT UP 166 00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:19,689 ABOUT IT. 167 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:21,563 BUT WHAT ABOUT THE LOSERS? 168 00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:22,502 WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM? 169 00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:23,596 WELL, IF THEY LOSE ON THE 170 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,597 LONG-RUNNING GAME SHOW 171 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,328 "PRECIPICE," A LUCKY FEW GET THE 172 00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:27,974 CONSOLATION PRIZE OF APPEARING 173 00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,038 IN THIS SHOCKING "NEWSREADERS" 174 00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:30,496 STORY. 175 00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:32,744 >> LET'S PLAY "PRECIPICE"! 176 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:33,970 >> Biscayne: "PRECIPICE." 177 00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:35,614 IT'S JUST LIKE "JEOPARDY" EXCEPT 178 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,009 WITH THE QUESTIONS AS QUESTIONS 179 00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:39,610 AND THE ANSWERS AS ANSWERS. 180 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,483 AMERICA HAS WATCHED CONTESTANT 181 00:04:41,482 --> 00:04:43,052 AFTER CONTESTANT HIT IT BIG 182 00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,890 ANSWERING HOST TED FISHLAKE'S 183 00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:46,345 TRIVIA TEASERS. 184 00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:47,864 BUT ON "PRECIPICE," NOT 185 00:04:47,855 --> 00:04:49,585 EVERYBODY RAKES IN THE WINNINGS. 186 00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:50,660 [ BUZZER ] 187 00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:51,728 >> GRAY TUFTED WARBLER. 188 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:52,625 [ BUZZER ] 189 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,026 >> SOME, LIKE RYAN ROSENBERG OF 190 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,927 PHILADELPHIA, SHOVEL IN THE 191 00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:56,499 LOSINGS. 192 00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:57,327 [ BUZZER ] 193 00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:57,731 >> MAGMA. 194 00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:58,601 [ BUZZER ] 195 00:04:58,599 --> 00:04:59,399 SUZANNE PLESHETTE. 196 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,030 [ BUZZER ] 197 00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:00,873 EXCESS FORESKIN. 198 00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:01,668 [ BUZZER ] 199 00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:02,599 >> I'M SORRY. 200 00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:04,343 THE ANSWER WE WERE LOOKING FOR 201 00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:05,738 WAS "DON CHEADLE." 202 00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:06,539 >> OH, OF COURSE. 203 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:07,010 DON CHEADLE. 204 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,037 >> AND, RYAN, THIS TAKES YOU 205 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:10,581 DOWN TO MINUS $9,200. 206 00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:12,484 >> IT WAS REALLY EMBARRASSING, 207 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,750 >> Biscayne: BUT EMBARRASSMENT 208 00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:14,677 WAS THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS, 209 00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:15,582 THOUGH. 210 00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:16,919 >> WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY IT WAS 211 00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,017 THE LEA OF MY PROBLEMS. 212 00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:19,348 LIKE, THERE'S THIS GUY AT WORK I 213 00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:20,793 WENT TO LUNCH WITH ONE DAY. 214 00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:21,618 NOW HE THINKS WE'RE BEST 215 00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:22,522 FRIENDS, BUT I DON'T REALLY 216 00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:23,763 CLICK WITH HIM. 217 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:24,887 THAT'S PROBABLY THE LEAST OF MY 218 00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:25,432 PROBLEMS. 219 00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:26,386 >> Biscayne: RIGHT, BUT YOU HAD 220 00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:27,434 BIGGER PROBLEMS OTHER THAN BEING 221 00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:28,398 EMBARRASSED ON THE SHOW AND WHO 222 00:05:28,396 --> 00:05:29,426 YOU GO TO PANERA WITH. 223 00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:30,100 THAT'S WHAT I -- 224 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:30,897 >> OH, YEAH. 225 00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:32,498 NO, I ENDED UP OWING "PRECIPICE" 226 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:32,970 A TON OF MONEY. 227 00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,936 MMM. WAY BIGGER PROBLEM. 228 00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,365 >> Biscayne: THAT'S RIGHT. 229 00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:37,640 WHEN A CONTESTANT'S SCORE GOES 230 00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:39,638 BELOW ZERO, THEY OWE THAT MONEY 231 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:40,910 BACK TO THE SHOW. 232 00:05:40,908 --> 00:05:42,408 AND "PRECIPICE'S" AGGRESSIVE 233 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:43,910 CREDITORS WILL COME KNOCKING IF 234 00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:44,911 YOU CAN'T PAY UP. 235 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,382 >> THE SHOW SAID THAT THEY WOULD 236 00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:47,520 WORK WITH ME, SET ME UP ON A 237 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:47,975 PAYMENT PLAN. 238 00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:49,551 BUT THEY JUST PUT A LIEN ON MY 239 00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:50,420 HOUSE. 240 00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:51,918 SO NOW THEY OWN IT. 241 00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:52,849 >> Biscayne: AND THAT WAS YOUR 242 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,053 HOUSE, RIGHT THERE? 243 00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:54,664 >> YEP. 244 00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,085 THE SHOW'S HOST TURNED IT INTO A 245 00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:57,929 THIRD DOGHOUSE FOR HIS MASTIFFS. 246 00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:00,925 SO, THEY JUST CRAP THERE NOW... 247 00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:02,428 MAYBE HAVE SEX. 248 00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:03,660 THE DOGS AREN'T FIXED. 249 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,474 >> Biscayne: HOW ARE YOU PAYING 250 00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:06,666 FOR THE DEBT? 251 00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:09,567 >> MOSTLY BY SELLING PLASMA. 252 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,070 >> Biscayne: BUT HOW MUCH CAN 253 00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:12,811 THAT REALLY PAY FOR? 254 00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:15,136 >> WELL, I CUT MY PLASMA WITH MY 255 00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,612 OWN SPERM, SO I HAVE MORE OF IT 256 00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:18,681 TO SELL. 257 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:19,849 >> Biscayne: [ GASPS ] 258 00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:21,747 WOULDN'T IT MAKE MORE SENSE 259 00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,849 TO SELL THE SPERM AND THE PLASMA 260 00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:26,551 SEPARATELY? 261 00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:27,624 >> YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF 262 00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:28,821 THAT. 263 00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:30,562 HUH. 264 00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:31,688 YOU'D PROBABLY DO REALLY WELL IF 265 00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:34,462 YOU WENT ON "PRECIPICE." 266 00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:35,462 >> Biscayne: REALLY? 267 00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:36,133 >> YEAH. 268 00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:37,569 >> Biscayne: ASKING ALL THOSE 269 00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:38,995 WHO'S, WHAT'S, AND WHEN'S HAS 270 00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:40,629 MADE TED FISHLAKE A RICH MAN, 271 00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,104 AFFORDING HIM A LIFESTYLE OF 272 00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,772 PRIVATE JETS, LEATHER CRAYONS, 273 00:06:43,771 --> 00:06:45,711 AND PANDA-MEAT SLIDERS. 274 00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:47,576 WE DECIDED TO ASK FISHLAKE A FEW 275 00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:48,835 QUESTIONS OF OUR OWN. 276 00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:50,712 WHAT ABOUT RYAN ROSENBERG? 277 00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,451 >> WELL, MR. ROSENBERG NEGLECTED 278 00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,616 TO READ HIS CONTRACT, PERIOD. 279 00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,178 >> Biscayne: BUT...WHY GO AFTER 280 00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:56,883 THEM? 281 00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:58,454 I MEAN, WHY NOT SEND THEM HOME 282 00:06:58,452 --> 00:06:59,922 WITH CONSOLATION PRIZES? 283 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,590 >> WE'RE NOT HEARTLESS... 284 00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:02,859 WITH CONTESTANTS OF LIMITED 285 00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:03,616 MEANS. 286 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:04,664 WE SEND THEM HOME WITH A PLASMA 287 00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:07,458 PUMP. 288 00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:08,601 >> Biscayne: IT'S NOT JUST 289 00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:09,856 REGULAR PEOPLE LIKE RYAN WHO GET 290 00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,003 THEMSELVES IN TROUBLE WITH 291 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:12,198 GAME-SHOW CREDITORS. 292 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:14,129 FAMOUS PEOPLE DO, TOO. 293 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,604 ROB HUEBEL, STAR OF THE 294 00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,143 LONG-RUNNING TELEVISION DRAMA 295 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,667 "CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL," LOST 296 00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:21,942 $140,000 IN ONE WEEK PLAYING FOR 297 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:22,882 CHARITY ON 298 00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:23,776 "CELEBRITY PRECIPICE." 299 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:24,747 [ BUZZER ] 300 00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:26,875 >> I DON'T KNOW. KITTY CATS. 301 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:27,980 [ BUZZER ] 302 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,878 OH, I DID TERRIBLY ON THAT 303 00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:32,024 SHOW -- ONE OF THE WORST 304 00:07:32,019 --> 00:07:34,619 PERFORMANCES OF MY CAREER, AND I 305 00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:36,022 WAS IN THE MUSICAL ADAPTATION OF 306 00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:38,733 "THE ACCUSED." 307 00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,562 BUT I DIDN'T HAVE TO PAY ANY OF 308 00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:41,631 THE MONEY BACK. 309 00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:42,699 >> Biscayne: NO, THAT WAS THE 310 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:43,756 RESPONSIBILITY OF 311 00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:45,634 "CIRRHOSIS ENDERS," THE CHARITY 312 00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:46,903 HUEBEL WAS PLAYING FOR. 313 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,040 HUGH DEAN IS THE HEAD OF 314 00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:49,765 "CIRRHOSIS ENDERS." 315 00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,570 AFTER ROB HUEBEL LOST ALL THAT 316 00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:52,772 MONEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO 317 00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:54,213 "CIRRHOSIS ENDERS"? 318 00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:56,107 >> THE LAB WAS SHUT DOWN AND, 319 00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:57,809 UH, TEST SPECIMENS DIED. 320 00:07:58,045 --> 00:08:00,705 DECADES OF WORK WERE LOST. 321 00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:02,054 I'D SAY WE WERE FIVE OR SIX 322 00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:03,179 MONTHS AWAY FROM A CURE FOR 323 00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:06,523 CIRRHOSIS, BUT...WHO KNEW THAT 324 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,660 HUEBEL WAS THAT DUMB. 325 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:08,985 >> Biscayne: IF ROB HUEBEL WAS 326 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,519 HERE RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU 327 00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:11,534 SAY TO HIM? 328 00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:13,655 >> UH, PROBABLY NOTHING, UH, 329 00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:15,931 BECAUSE I'D BE SO GRIPPED WITH A 330 00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,869 WHITE-HOT RAGE THAT SPEECH 331 00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:21,065 WOULDN'T REALLY BE AN OPTION. 332 00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:23,798 I'D PROBABLY CHOKE HIM TO DEATH. 333 00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:27,744 SO, TAKE WHATEVER, SORT OF, YOU 334 00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,141 COULD FROM THAT. 335 00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:31,612 >> Biscayne: YOU'RE UNHAPPY? 336 00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:32,812 >> YEAH, I'M UNHAPPY WITH WHAT 337 00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:36,623 HE DID 'CAUSE HE RUINED, UM, YOU 338 00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:37,687 KNOW, A LARGE PORTION OF MY 339 00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:38,285 LIFE. 340 00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:39,885 >> Biscayne: HE WAS SO GOOD IN 341 00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:43,087 "THE ACCUSED" MUSICAL. 342 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,690 >> THOUGHT HE WAS A LITTLE BIG. 343 00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:45,962 >> I JUST HOPE I NEVER GET 344 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,559 CIRRHOSIS. 345 00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:50,862 OH, I'M...OUT OF GLITTER. 346 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,034 [ Screaming ] WHY AM I OUT OF 347 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,572 GLITTER?! 348 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:56,037 WHY?! WHY?! 349 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,906 WHERE IS THE GLITTER THAT 350 00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:00,606 BELONGS TO ME?! 351 00:09:00,608 --> 00:09:02,138 WHERE?! 352 00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:03,642 >> MOST PEOPLE DO FINE. 353 00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:05,054 YOU DON'T THROW OUT STUPID 354 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,645 ANSWERS ON THOUSAND-DOLLAR 355 00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:07,247 QUESTIONS. 356 00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:09,277 MR. HUEBEL THOUGHT THAT CHINESE 357 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:10,852 PEOPLE INVENTED KITTY CATS. 358 00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:12,121 >> Biscayne: BUT GAME SHOWS -- 359 00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:13,849 IT'S CLASSIC WISH-FULFILLMENT. 360 00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:15,264 AREN'T YOU AFRAID THAT ONCE 361 00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,285 PEOPLE SEE THIS, THEY'RE GONNA 362 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:19,130 STOP WATCHING BECAUSE THEY'RE 363 00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:20,886 AFRAID THAT THEIR WISHES ARE 364 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,664 GONNA COST THEM THEIR HOMES? 365 00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:23,263 >> HMM. 366 00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:25,173 I'VE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. 367 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,725 BOY, YOU'RE SMART. 368 00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:27,804 YOU'D BE GREAT AT THIS SHOW. 369 00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:28,741 >> Biscayne: YOU -- OH. 370 00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:29,736 >> I MEAN, WE HAVE A NEW 371 00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:31,137 CELEBRITY EDITION COMING, BUT 372 00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:32,638 I'M SURE YOU'RE TOO BUSY. 373 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:33,610 >> Biscayne: NO. 374 00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:34,637 I-I MEAN, W-WE COULD EXPLORE IT. 375 00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:35,642 >> YOU WOULD CLEAN US OUT. 376 00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:36,183 >> Biscayne: AH. 377 00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:37,136 >> YOUR DOG WOULD BE CRAPPING IN 378 00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:38,014 MY HOUSE. 379 00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:38,881 >> Biscayne: [ Chuckling ] 380 00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:39,679 I DON'T HAVE A DOG. 381 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,180 >> I'M GONNA REGRET THIS. 382 00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,022 ONCE UPON A TIME, THIS WHITE, 383 00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,747 POWDERY DRUG MADE FROM COCA 384 00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:47,153 LEAVES WAS USED TO TREAT 385 00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,764 HEADACHES AND HAY FEVER. 386 00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:50,716 >> Biscayne: MEDICINE! 387 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,093 >> WOW. 388 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,204 YOU'VE NAILED IT! 389 00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:57,195 >> Biscayne: [ LAUGHS ] 390 00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:58,897 DING, DING, DING! 391 00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:00,299 AND NOW SOME MUSINGS FROM 392 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,770 HUMOROUS JIM DAVIDSON. 393 00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:02,769 >> I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING. 394 00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:04,770 IT IS SOMETIMES REALLY TOUGH TO 395 00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,172 FIND A PARKING SPACE AT 396 00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:07,643 FIREWORKS DISPLAYS. 397 00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:08,811 IT SEEMS THAT EVERY 398 00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,639 FOURTH OF JULY I SHOW UP AT THE 399 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,314 CITY PARK, READY FOR FIREWORKS, 400 00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,052 AND IT TAKES ME 10 MINUTES TO 401 00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,647 FIND A SPACE. 402 00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:16,819 THEN I ONLY HAVE 15 MINUTES TO 403 00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,047 GET A HOT DOG AND PUT MY BLANKET 404 00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,121 DOWN 'CAUSE I USUALLY GET THERE 405 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,949 25 MINUTES BEFORE. 406 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,664 15 MINUTES IS ENOUGH TIME, SO 407 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,216 IT'S REALLY NOT A BIG DEAL. 408 00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:25,734 >> Biscayne: COMING UP NEXT WEEK 409 00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:26,856 ON "NEWSREADERS," THEY'RE CALLED 410 00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:29,100 "RETRO-RETROVIRAL DRUGS." 411 00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:30,396 AND WE'LL TELL YOU HOW CLUB-KIDS 412 00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:31,927 ARE GETTING A NEW BUZZ OFF OF 413 00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,972 EXPIRED A.I.D.S. MEDICATIONS. 414 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,337 I'M REAGAN BISCAYNE. 415 00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:36,235 GOOD NIGHT. 416 00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:38,340 >> THE NAME FOR WHICH EUROPEAN 417 00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,208 SPECIALTY FOOD COMES FROM THE 418 00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:41,407 FRENCH WORD MEANING "MELTED"? 419 00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:42,708 >> Biscayne: [ French accent ] 420 00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:43,280 MELTED. 421 00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:44,206 [ BUZZER ] 422 00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:45,411 >> HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE A MAN 423 00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:47,682 TRAVELING 60 MILES AN HOUR ALONG 424 00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:49,351 THE EQUATOR TO CIRCUMNAVIGATE 425 00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:50,219 THE EARTH? 426 00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:52,087 [ BUZZER ] 427 00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:53,385 >> Biscayne: 1,000. 428 00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:54,816 >> 1,000 WHAT? 429 00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:55,722 >> Biscayne: WHO? 430 00:10:55,723 --> 00:10:56,363 [ BUZZER ] 431 00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:58,126 >> FOR MEN, WHAT IS THE MOST 432 00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,855 COMMON SIDE EFFECT OF VERY 433 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:02,300 TIGHT, CONSTRICTING UNDERWEAR? 434 00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:03,225 [ BUZZER ] 435 00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:04,100 >> Biscayne: DON CHEADLE. 436 00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,097 [ BUZZER ] 437 00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:05,898 >> I'M SORRY. 438 00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:07,299 THE ANSWER WE WERE LOOKING FOR 439 00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,200 WAS "EXCESS FORESKIN." 27707

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