All language subtitles for Dog.With.A.Blog.S03E01_English

Oh sure, just leave
that old skin anywhere.

Dirty reptiles.

Stan, I'm bouncing off the walls.

Tomorrow is the first day of school,

and I just want to get there already.

If only I could fast forward through time.

Do what dogs do to skip over
the boring parts of life: nap.

That's what I was doing
while you were talking just now.

All I heard was,
"Stan, I'm bouncing off the..."

Fast forward through time.

I'm too excited to nap.

I'm gonna be a high school freshman.

No!

It should be fresh-woman.

No! Fresh-person.

Consider "fresh-mammal."

It's more inclusive,

while keeping out those dirty reptiles.

I'm pretty stoked that
I'm going to be a senior now.

I get the senior discount at the movies

and the early bird special at the diner.

Tyler, that's for senior citizens.

Oh, that's why
there are so many old ladies

at my swim aerobics class
at the senior center.

Well, I'm still excited
about the senior prank

I'm gonna pull on
the first day of school.

Wait, aren't senior pranks
usually at the end of the year?

Yeah. But if you do it
at the end of the year, then you're gone.

You don't get to baste in the glory.

You "bask" in the glory.

You "baste" in the juices of meat.

And even if it weren't
a senior citizen center... really?

Swim aerobics?

It's low impact and it's very satisfying
being the best one.

And about this basting thing,
tell me more about the meaty juices.

Oh, and talk real slow.

Check this out.
I've planned the perfect prank.

I'm gonna run the groundskeeper's hose

into the school commons
and get everything wet.

Tyler, there's nothing the least
bit clever about that.

Right, like you could do better.

Please. I could do so much better.

But pranks are against the rules,
so you're on your own.

Fine.

All the puddles. Classic.

No. No, it's not!

If you just ran the hose--

Rules exist for a reason.

Everything will be wet!

Rules are important
but so is doing things right!

You just came up
with this lame prank on purpose

knowing I wouldn't be able
to resist fixing it, didn't you?

Yep, thought of it at the senior center

while I was playing pinochle
with Mildred and the girls.

Told you that would work, Stan.

Stan?

Stan, are you in there--

STAN: Basting in meaty juices?

Maybe.

STAN: As I was basting,

I got to thinking about pranks,

and decided to try one on Robert.

He thought he was reaching for a banana.

( Stan laughing )

Oh, Robert, the look on your face.

It's priceless!

( Stan laughing )

( theme music playing )

Can you believe it?

We're finally in high school.

I know it's the same commons
for high school and middle school,

but it feels so different.

Nothing's different.
They haven't even taken the banner down

from three months ago.

AVERY: "Have a great summer."

I had a lousy one.

No banner's gonna tell me what to do.

Hey, Lindsay, you're not wearing a hat.

You look great. I love the new look.

Yeah. It wasn't intentional.

My hat blew off. I look like a freak!

I need to hide!

So how is everyone?

Well, I'm really excited
for fresh-mammal year.

That's a thing
I promised somebody I'd try.

Didn't work. Forget it ever happened.

Oh, there's the new principal.

Apparently, he's always eavesdropping
on students' conversations.

I heard that.

I listen to you kids to make sure
that you're following the rules.

I'm a stickler for rules. Here.
Have a "stickler for rules" sticker.

But don't stick them on school property.
That's a rule.

You guys ready
for the best senior prank ever?

Aren't senior pranks supposed to be--

At the end of the year,
yes, but this way I can...

enjoy the glory.

Couldn't remember if it was "bask"
or "baste," could you?

No, I could not but I found a workaround.

So the prank is ready to go.

Countdown to awesome!

10... 9...

awesome!

Water slide!

( cheering )

What happened? What's going on?

That's right. Listen up, everybody!

I'm Tyler James. And I did this. Yeah!

I heard that.

Though the way you shouted,
even my mom in Tucson heard it.

She called to say,
"Get that Tyler James kid."

So I will.

This school has a zero tolerance policy
for senior pranks.

You're expelled.

( all gasp )

Making you proud, Mama!

( bell ringing )

Everybody to class! Here we go.

What is going on?

Go ahead. It's your move, boo.

Are they still pretending
to be boyfriend and girlfriend?

It's developmentally appropriate
role-playing at this age.

Like when we make cleaning the house

more fun by pretending to be dust thieves.

That's not role-playing.

That's just you being... super cute.

I don't like that.

I'm going to try again.

Wait, you don't get to go again.

You rolled a seven,
you have to move seven.

Tiffany lets me roll
until I get a number I like.

Who's Tiffany?

One of my other girlfriends.

One, two, three--

Whoa! Back up.

Three, two, one.

I don't mean back up your piece.

I mean, how many girlfriends do you have?

You have four?

Yes.

You can't have four.

We never said
we wouldn't have play dates

with other people.

Where's your bathroom?

I can't believe it, Stan.

He's having play dates with other girls.

What should I do?

Should I break up with him?

I don't know, Chloe.

On the one hand, if you want
a committed relationship

and he can't give you that,

then you shouldn't invest time
where there's no future.

On the other hand,

you're both eight!

Thanks, Stan.

I think I know what I need to do.

I couldn't find the bathroom,

but I found the banana room.

You mean the kitchen?

Mason, I can't see you anymore.

I'm right here.

No, I can see you

but I just can't be
your girlfriend anymore.

I don't understand.

Is it because I peed in your banana room?

No. It's because
you have other girlfriends.

And now it's also partly
because you peed in my banana room.

( sighs )

Oh, boy.

Honey,

I know something's been
bothering you lately.

What is it?

I think my thumbs are shrinking.

Honey, you're just pulling them down.

I'm just giving you a time lapse

of what it's going to look like in a year.

Tell me, Bennett.

Tell me. What do you think?

Tyler! Hey, buddy. How was school today?

Oh, you haven't heard?

Heard what?

How awesome you guys are.

Yeah, I-- All I could
talk about at school was

how awesome and understanding
my parents are.

BOTH: You got expelled?

How did you get that
from awesome and understanding?

The same way we knew that

"I want to grow up
to be like both of you" meant--

BOTH: "The reindeer
from the Christmas tree lot

"is tied up in my bedroom."

This was just a fun prank.

And it was nothing
like that Blitzen incident.

In this case,
no one got scratched by an antler,

stepped on by a hoof,
or had their ear viciously nibbled.

Why did he do all those things to me?

Look, this is serious, Tyler.

Getting expelled is the worst punishment
you can get.

No, losing your trust
is the worst punishment

because you're the greatest parents ever.

BOTH: You're calling us from jail?

Mom, Dad, don't be so mad at Tyler.

Getting expelled wasn't all his fault.

Oh, really? Whose fault was it?

Mine. It was all my fault.

Tyler, you don't have to do that.

Avery, thanks for trying to help.

But I'm going to have
to accept responsibility for this.

Well, I just don't know
what to say, Tyler.

I was hoping you would graduate

while I was still able
to give you the thumbs up.

Time is running out.

The whole prank was my idea, Stan.

And when I started to say that,

Tyler jumped in and took all the blame.

And are you wearing my dad's bike shorts?

What choice do I have
if I want to ride a bike?

Good point.

I just feel so guilty about Tyler.

Oh, when dogs feel guilty,

we put our tail between our legs.

I don't have a tail.

So you're saying
I may not have helped you

by cutting holes
in the back of all your pants.

Man, I feel really bad about that.

It's just not right
that I'm not sharing the blame.

Not that I'd get in trouble anyway.

Teachers love me.

In fact, I bet if I confess,

nothing will even happen to me

and Tyler won't be in trouble anymore.

I'll probably get a school spirit medal.

You're expelled.

That's not a school spirit medal.

( clattering )

STAN: Ride a bike...

check.

Geez, there's no rule against this.

I don't know what to do.

What do you mean, I'm expelled?

How can I be expelled?

There's a zero tolerance
policy for senior pranks.

You just told me
that you planned the one

yesterday with your brother.

But Principal Lawson...

Uh. I am no longer your principal,

so you can call me Tim.

I know that doesn't make this better,
but it's a fact.

Avery...

What just happened?

I can't be expelled from school.

This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

Oh, Avery... Come here.

( laughing )

I'm sorry, guys.

I laugh in upsetting situations.

I'm a sad-laugher.

It's a thing.

This is sad.

I love school more than anything.

Oh, Avery...

( laughing )

I'm trying to get help.

I'm in a support group.
There they are now.

Cindy's boyfriend just broke up with her.

How could they expel you?

I don't know.

Tim just wouldn't listen.

Now how will I get into a top college?

How will I become president one day

with this black mark on my record?

It'll be okay, Avery.
We'll figure something out.

We'll just dig up worse dirt
on your political opponents.

But I wanted to run a clean campaign.

The leaks will never be
traced back to you.

Trust your mother.

Okay, Chloe. Go get it.

I don't think this is how fetch
is supposed to work.

No, I'm pretty sure it is.

Hi, Chloe.

I'm here for our play date.

No more play dates.
We broke up, remember?

I thought that was just for yesterday.

No. It's for every day.

Okay, I'll go. See you tomorrow.

Mason, no. That's not what I mean.

I don't understand.

Man, I bet this is why
they say break ups are hard.

You want to know what else is hard?

The floor at the bottom
of a spiral staircase.

You need to go, Mason,
and think about what you really want.

I want a pretzel.

I get why he's so popular
with the ladies.

Yup. There's something about him.

Sweetie, you've been obsessing
all day about being expelled.

Take your mind off
of it for a little while.

Come watch some judge shows with your mom.

I can't. I've got to figure out
a way to get back into school.

I don't have time to hear about
how you would have made a fantastic judge.

You know, I would have made
a fantastic judge.

"You're charged with singing songs

"in the shower and waking your neighbors.

"I find you guilty of assault
with a medley weapon."

( laughs ) Good one, your honor.

Good morning, everyone.

Tyler, it's 3:00 in the afternoon.
Are you just waking up?

No.

So you loving your vacay as much as I am?

Expulsion is not vacay.
Quit calling it vacay.

It's a totes horb sitch.

Oh, my gosh, I've got
to get back into school.

It's okay.

The more words you lose,
the happier you'll.

No, Tyler.

I've figured it out.

I've been reviewing the school bylaws.

And it says,

we can appeal the expulsion
to a tribunal.

If we win, we're back in.

No way. I like not going to.

Well, we're gonna have to figure out
some school for you both.

You have to graduate.

I'll go to school here.

You can do that home schooling thing.

Tyler, home schooling is serious.

It's a lot of work,
and I don't know if I'm up to it.

It's not like being a TV judge
where you can just say,

"You stole cleaning supplies
from a department store.

"You're guilty of mop-lifting."

My judgments have a comedic bent.

I'm fair but funny.

Come on, Mom. If you teach us,
it'll be a chance for us to bond.

I do like bonding.

Mom isn't a teacher, she's a judge.

I am more of a judge.

Nothing you can say will convince me

that learning at home
isn't better than getting unexpelled.

If we learn at home,
the hottest chick in school

will be your sister.

We need to go to the tribunal
and get unexpelled.

Hey, Chloe, you want to see my new trick?

Rub my belly and pat my head
at the same time.

Okay.

So what's the trick?

I tricked you into rubbing my belly

and patting my head at the same time.

( doorbell ringing )

Mason, I can't hear any music.
Your headphones are plugged in.

What? I can't hear you!
My headphones are plugged in!

Unplug your headphones!

What? I can't hear you!

Should I unplug my headphones?

Yes!

What?

♪ When you're driving down the street ♪

It's your favorite song.

Because I want you to be
my girlfriend again.

It's not my favorite song.

Maybe it was Tiffany's favorite.

Or Molly's.

Or Chloe's?

I'm Chloe!

Mason, I like that you made an effort.

And we are just in the third grade.

Turn it off, and I'll forgive you.

-( increases volume )
-That's making it louder.

Now you just started it
from the beginning.

( switches off )

I don't want to play with other girls.

I just want to have play dates with you.

Every single day.

Okay.

Thanks, Molly.

I'm Chloe!

Man, you're lucky
there's something about you.

Max, you're on the tribunal?

I'm the student rep.

I have an interest in tribunals

because one of my ancestors
was declared a witch

in 17th century Salem.

Her family giggled in grief
when she was burned at the stake.

It's hereditary.

Quiet, everyone.

Please take your seats
so we can get this over with.

I have a very busy afternoon.

I have to go pretend to care
about a volleyball game.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the tribunal,

I will demonstrate, incontrovertibly,

and beyond a reasonable doubt--

Yeah, just call your first witness.

I object! The plaintiff should be allowed
to conclude her statement.

This isn't a court, and even if it were,

you don't get to object.

I object to that, too.

At home, I could just go in the other room
when she does this.

Call your first witness, Miss Jennings.

I don't know why I'm so nervous up here.

I feel like I'm on trial.

And I mean, it's not like
I've done anything wrong.

All right, I confess!

My dad bought us two smoothies
but he was only charged for one!

He didn't say anything!
And we drank them both!

Go easy on him!

Getting expelled has been
so hard on Avery and Tyler.

I'm sorry I haven't been
there for you guys.

I've been going through
a really messy break-up.

But we're back together now.

It's been a roller coaster.

My image is obscured
for my own protection.

Certain members of the cat mafia
have made some threats.

But I just want to say that
Avery and Tyler are great kids.

They're loyal friends,

they're always there for me,
and most of all,

they pick up my poop in the park.

How did I get here?
I don't understand.

I would now like to call
on my friends to testify.

Unfortunately, they're all in detention

for jumping on the tables
and screaming in the cafeteria.

But they told me to do this.

Whoo! Yeah! That's right!

Tyler's the man!

I'll allow it.

I put parental locks
on the court channel,

but she figures out the code.

In conclusion, as today's witnesses

have made very clear,
we are good, honest people,

the salt of the earth, the kind of people

who make America great.

Am I exaggerating? Yes.

A very American trait.

And it has been for a million years.

The point is, we meant no harm

and are very sorry that we broke a rule.

Tyler's a great guy.

He took all the blame
for our parents just to protect me.

And the only reason Avery was expelled

is because she confessed,
thinking it would help me.

At least she should get unexpelled.

She's a great sister
and she doesn't deserve this.

Thanks, Tyler.

No, no. No, no.

Honey, honey, honey...
Please just sit down already.

You're embarrassing yourself.

I'm not embarrassed.

Okay, then you're embarrassing me.

As much as I'd like to keep this going

and miss the volleyball game,

it's happening here in the commons

and they have to set up now.

The appeal is denied.
The expulsion stands.

-What?
-It's the letter of the law.

School rules clearly state zero tolerance
towards senior pranks.

That concludes the tribunal.

Look, I'm really sorry, Avery.

I shouldn't have let you
help me to begin with.

It's a senior prank.
You're not even a senior.

Wait a minute.

I'm not a senior. Hold on.

Resume the tribunal!

( players groan )

You don't get to resume the tribunal.

PLAYERS: Yeah!

I get to resume the tribunal.

Tribunal resumed!

PLAYERS: Oh!

As I was saying,
the letter of the law says,

"no senior pranks,"
but I'm not a senior,

so by definition, what I did can't be

a senior prank, so I can't be expelled!

Well, that is the letter
of the law, but--

Fine, Avery, you're back in school.

I am no longer Tim to you.

But Tyler, you are a senior.
You are still expelled.

Call me Tim.

Wait, wait. The prank was done
before the first bell

on the first day of school.

The school year
hadn't officially started yet.

So Tyler wasn't a senior either.

Before the first bell, Miss Jennings?

I think that's a bit of a technicality.

No, it's the letter of the law.

Bam! In your face.

Sorry, too far. Principals love me.

We're going to be very good friends.

Your punishment is reduced

to a suspension of time served plus

however long this volleyball game takes.

I am not sitting through it alone.

No offense, coach.

( cheering )

If only you were in Salem in 1692,

then my ancestor Goody Edelstein
would still be with us.

Wouldn't she have passed
from natural causes by now?

Maybe not. She was a witch.

STAN: It was nice
how Avery and Tyler stood up

for each other today.

And I learned something really important.

That Max's last name is Edelstein.

Who knew?

And also that pranks can be fun,

but they can also go too far.

Especially when the prankee decides

to get even with the pranker.

Touche, Robert. Touche.

Mason, you just ate the last five carrots.
I wanted one.

I'm sorry.

I know how to make it up to you.

( music plays )

Mason, I told you, I don't like that song.

I don't understand.

I don't understand either,
but somehow, we work.

Bennett, why don't you ever serenade me

with a boombox over your head?

Because it's a cliche

from an '80s teen romantic comedy

and I think you're better than that.

This makes me happy.

I don't understand.