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1
00:00:07,744 --> 00:00:09,494
That was my big, hairy dick.
2
00:00:09,537 --> 00:00:10,827
[rewinding]
3
00:00:10,872 --> 00:00:13,622
That was my big, hairy dick.
4
00:00:13,666 --> 00:00:15,456
[rewinding]
5
00:00:15,501 --> 00:00:16,461
Big, hairy dick.
6
00:00:16,502 --> 00:00:17,462
[rewinding]
7
00:00:17,503 --> 00:00:19,213
Big, hairy dick.
8
00:00:20,214 --> 00:00:21,294
[to "Carol of the Bells"
* Big, hairy dick ♪
9
00:00:21,340 --> 00:00:22,300
♪ Big, hairy dick ♪
10
00:00:22,341 --> 00:00:23,461
♪ Big, hairy dick... ♪
11
00:00:23,509 --> 00:00:24,599
♪ Big, hairy dick ♪
12
00:00:24,635 --> 00:00:25,805
♪ Big, hairy dick... ♪
13
00:00:25,845 --> 00:00:27,055
♪ Big, hairy dick ♪
14
00:00:27,096 --> 00:00:28,386
♪ Big, hairy dick... ♪
15
00:00:28,431 --> 00:00:29,931
♪ Big, hairy dick ♪
16
00:00:29,974 --> 00:00:31,854
[resounding chord strikes]
17
00:00:33,770 --> 00:00:35,070
Okay...
18
00:00:35,104 --> 00:00:36,814
this is a hard situation,
19
00:00:36,856 --> 00:00:37,936
so I'm going
to break it down to you
20
00:00:37,982 --> 00:00:40,102
the only way I know how,
21
00:00:40,151 --> 00:00:41,441
by letting your mother do it.
22
00:00:43,071 --> 00:00:46,031
Your Father and I
have an arrangement.
23
00:00:46,074 --> 00:00:48,824
Wait, are you getting divorced?
24
00:00:48,868 --> 00:00:49,868
We are not.
25
00:00:49,911 --> 00:00:51,031
For the sake of Christmas,
26
00:00:51,079 --> 00:00:52,579
we're just gonna
keep riding it out.
27
00:00:52,622 --> 00:00:53,912
Forever.
28
00:00:53,956 --> 00:00:55,836
But I want you boys to know
29
00:00:55,875 --> 00:00:58,335
this is not your fault
and we love you.
30
00:00:59,545 --> 00:01:00,545
[gulps]
Wait, what?
31
00:01:00,588 --> 00:01:02,468
So we're not a family anymore?
32
00:01:03,633 --> 00:01:05,753
We're still a family.
33
00:01:05,802 --> 00:01:07,012
Son, look,
34
00:01:07,053 --> 00:01:09,673
dating is like Die Hard 1.
35
00:01:09,722 --> 00:01:10,972
But most marriages--
36
00:01:11,015 --> 00:01:13,145
ugh--
are like Die Hard 2-- b lech.
37
00:01:13,184 --> 00:01:15,974
But our marriage
is like Die Hard 3.
38
00:01:16,020 --> 00:01:17,150
Sometimes, the secret sauce
39
00:01:17,188 --> 00:01:19,648
is simply adding
another cast member.
40
00:01:19,690 --> 00:01:21,240
Like Samuel L. Jackson.
41
00:01:22,401 --> 00:01:23,521
Huh.
42
00:01:23,569 --> 00:01:25,369
So you saved the franchise,
43
00:01:25,405 --> 00:01:27,535
which is your marriage,
44
00:01:27,573 --> 00:01:29,193
and now you're both happy.
45
00:01:30,159 --> 00:01:33,419
In that case,
somebody syrup me!
46
00:01:35,248 --> 00:01:36,378
Not so fast!
47
00:01:37,417 --> 00:01:39,547
Did you just admit
to having an affair?
48
00:01:39,585 --> 00:01:40,715
-Yes.
-No.
49
00:01:40,753 --> 00:01:43,753
It's fine,
they're old enough.
50
00:01:43,798 --> 00:01:45,388
I wouldn't call
what Helenor and I have
51
00:01:45,425 --> 00:01:46,465
an "affair".
52
00:01:46,509 --> 00:01:48,429
I mean, we're dating.
53
00:01:48,469 --> 00:01:49,469
In secret.
54
00:01:49,512 --> 00:01:50,922
And your mother and I
are married.
55
00:01:50,972 --> 00:01:52,092
Technically.
56
00:01:52,140 --> 00:01:54,100
But it's very different.
57
00:01:54,142 --> 00:01:55,392
Well I'm technically also--
58
00:01:55,435 --> 00:01:56,395
Hold on!
59
00:01:56,436 --> 00:01:57,646
Helenor?
60
00:01:57,687 --> 00:01:58,727
Helenor!
61
00:01:58,771 --> 00:02:00,931
From the fucking
Radical Naughty Party?
62
00:02:00,982 --> 00:02:03,902
Son, why don't you calm down
and have a pancake?
63
00:02:03,943 --> 00:02:05,443
Okay, let's munch it out.
64
00:02:05,486 --> 00:02:07,736
I will not munch it out!
65
00:02:07,780 --> 00:02:08,910
You're all naughty!
66
00:02:08,948 --> 00:02:10,998
Every last one of youse!
67
00:02:11,033 --> 00:02:12,403
I need to schvitz.
68
00:02:12,452 --> 00:02:15,072
You're spending a weird amount
of time in that sauna.
69
00:02:15,121 --> 00:02:17,161
Apparently not enough.
70
00:02:17,206 --> 00:02:19,376
I wish you a Merry...
71
00:02:19,417 --> 00:02:20,337
Tuesday.
72
00:02:21,461 --> 00:02:22,791
Well, that went well.
73
00:02:22,837 --> 00:02:23,967
[call alert chimes]
74
00:02:24,005 --> 00:02:25,715
The elves are on strike!
75
00:02:26,799 --> 00:02:28,259
Unoffend us!
76
00:02:28,301 --> 00:02:29,551
Unoffend us!!
77
00:02:29,594 --> 00:02:30,764
[Nick] It's fine...
78
00:02:30,803 --> 00:02:32,263
Let's just hire
the naughty elves
79
00:02:32,305 --> 00:02:34,185
and say fuck it,
we're making toys for everybody!
80
00:02:34,223 --> 00:02:35,343
Fuck the naughty list!
81
00:02:35,391 --> 00:02:36,551
Come on, Gretch!
82
00:02:36,601 --> 00:02:37,931
Let's be radical.
83
00:02:37,977 --> 00:02:39,267
That's a great idea.
84
00:02:39,312 --> 00:02:40,642
Why hasn't anyone else
brought that up?
85
00:02:40,688 --> 00:02:41,988
I wonder what would happen.
86
00:02:42,023 --> 00:02:43,483
Hmm? Let's think about it.
87
00:02:43,524 --> 00:02:44,484
I don't know--
88
00:02:44,525 --> 00:02:45,605
a Battle Royale
89
00:02:45,651 --> 00:02:46,981
for the very fucking soul
of Christmas!
90
00:02:47,820 --> 00:02:48,870
Wh--
91
00:02:48,905 --> 00:02:50,075
This is a lovely surprise.
92
00:02:50,114 --> 00:02:52,614
Why are you here
and not on strike?
93
00:02:52,658 --> 00:02:54,708
I go down with the ship, ma'am.
94
00:02:54,744 --> 00:02:56,534
Oh, you're incredible.
95
00:02:56,579 --> 00:02:58,709
You're like a tiny,
pointy-eared Joan of Arc.
96
00:02:59,832 --> 00:03:02,252
You are my hero, as well.
97
00:03:03,419 --> 00:03:05,969
Protocol says
if the elves strike,
98
00:03:06,005 --> 00:03:07,465
we're supposed to start
cutting countries
99
00:03:07,507 --> 00:03:08,797
in alphabetical order.
100
00:03:08,841 --> 00:03:12,461
But to avoid taking
another shit on Afghanistan,
101
00:03:12,512 --> 00:03:14,672
I think we should chop
Australia instead.
102
00:03:14,722 --> 00:03:18,012
Til, can you FaceTime
the Australian Elf on a Shelf?
103
00:03:18,059 --> 00:03:19,399
It's time to drop the hammer.
104
00:03:19,435 --> 00:03:20,605
Or should I say...
105
00:03:20,645 --> 00:03:21,815
the "knoife"?
106
00:03:21,854 --> 00:03:23,734
No. No FaceTime, no FaceTime,
no FaceTime!
107
00:03:23,773 --> 00:03:24,983
Hello!
108
00:03:25,024 --> 00:03:26,394
Oh, crikey!
109
00:03:26,442 --> 00:03:28,152
Oi, Jimothy,
110
00:03:28,194 --> 00:03:31,654
Santa Claus
has something to say to you!
111
00:03:31,697 --> 00:03:33,537
Don't you, Santa?
112
00:03:33,574 --> 00:03:35,404
Hi there, Mr. Claus!
113
00:03:35,451 --> 00:03:38,621
I hope you don't mind,
but my daughter is a huge fan.
114
00:03:38,663 --> 00:03:40,493
Lamanda, come here.
115
00:03:40,540 --> 00:03:41,840
Meet Santa Claus.
116
00:03:41,874 --> 00:03:43,664
No. No, you really
don't have to--
117
00:03:43,709 --> 00:03:45,339
Oh, boy.
118
00:03:45,378 --> 00:03:46,718
Wow!
119
00:03:46,754 --> 00:03:48,004
Santa!
120
00:03:48,047 --> 00:03:52,717
This is like a dream come true.
121
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:56,390
I'm like your biggest fan.
122
00:03:56,431 --> 00:03:58,011
I love you!
123
00:03:58,057 --> 00:04:00,517
I love you, too!
124
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:01,650
Okay...
125
00:04:01,686 --> 00:04:03,016
Uh...
126
00:04:03,062 --> 00:04:04,392
Gretchen, you got this?
127
00:04:04,439 --> 00:04:05,899
Unfortunately,
128
00:04:05,940 --> 00:04:09,530
there's not gonna be any gifts
for the Aussies this year.
129
00:04:09,569 --> 00:04:10,819
Santa messed up.
130
00:04:11,904 --> 00:04:13,784
Sorry, Lamanda.
131
00:04:13,823 --> 00:04:15,283
I'm so sorry.
132
00:04:15,324 --> 00:04:16,574
What?
133
00:04:16,617 --> 00:04:18,117
[bawling]
134
00:04:20,079 --> 00:04:21,459
Matilda,
135
00:04:21,497 --> 00:04:24,587
let's schedule one of
those gut-wrenching FaceTimes
136
00:04:24,625 --> 00:04:27,665
every day until
the elves come back to work.
137
00:04:27,712 --> 00:04:28,922
That's--
138
00:04:28,963 --> 00:04:30,923
I'm not gonna be able
to handle that at all.
139
00:04:30,965 --> 00:04:32,215
Of course not.
140
00:04:32,258 --> 00:04:33,848
Instead, you'll just
141
00:04:33,885 --> 00:04:36,095
leave me and Til
to clean up your mess.
142
00:04:36,137 --> 00:04:38,687
Um, I should go.
143
00:04:40,099 --> 00:04:41,229
Gretchen, I'm really sorry,
144
00:04:41,267 --> 00:04:42,807
but I shoot from the hip.
145
00:04:43,936 --> 00:04:46,436
And my hip is in my heart.
146
00:04:46,481 --> 00:04:48,481
What are you,
fucking Billy the Kid?
147
00:04:48,524 --> 00:04:50,274
This is what being a leader is.
148
00:04:50,318 --> 00:04:52,738
You have to make tough choices.
149
00:04:52,779 --> 00:04:54,119
I mean, fuck,
150
00:04:54,155 --> 00:04:56,745
I've made more sacrifices
for Christmas than anyone,
151
00:04:56,783 --> 00:05:00,783
but I will not stand by you
like some spayed political wife,
152
00:05:00,828 --> 00:05:04,418
playing Jingle Your Balls
on the deck of the "Titanic"
153
00:05:04,457 --> 00:05:07,457
while you plow straight into
a cock-shaped iceberg!
154
00:05:07,502 --> 00:05:10,422
Hot-diggity-dog,
you have got a way with words.
155
00:05:10,463 --> 00:05:12,173
That's why you should have read
my fucking speech!
156
00:05:13,466 --> 00:05:15,556
[Christmas rock music playing]
157
00:05:17,470 --> 00:05:21,600
Here at The Naughty Nog,
we stand for neo-toy socialism.
158
00:05:21,641 --> 00:05:24,181
One child, one gift...
159
00:05:24,227 --> 00:05:26,477
one beer on the house.
160
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:28,490
Son of a bitch--
161
00:05:29,565 --> 00:05:31,355
Okay, fine!
162
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:32,530
I'll pay.
163
00:05:33,861 --> 00:05:34,941
Psych.
164
00:05:34,987 --> 00:05:36,367
[Cocoa]
Well, as the proctologist
165
00:05:36,406 --> 00:05:37,946
said to the prison guard,
166
00:05:37,990 --> 00:05:40,290
"Always check the back door,
167
00:05:40,326 --> 00:05:42,786
'cause that's where
the ketamine be."
168
00:05:42,829 --> 00:05:44,629
Psst.
You're live on air...
169
00:05:44,664 --> 00:05:45,704
What?
170
00:05:45,748 --> 00:05:46,918
Last week,
171
00:05:46,958 --> 00:05:49,418
the world changed forever
with "Penis-Gate".
172
00:05:49,460 --> 00:05:51,680
Today, please welcome
to Cocoa on the Go--
173
00:05:51,712 --> 00:05:52,672
because sometimes,
174
00:05:52,713 --> 00:05:54,333
you need to take
your Cocoa to go--
175
00:05:54,382 --> 00:05:55,592
the radical Helenor.
176
00:05:56,884 --> 00:05:58,264
I think your beak is bleeding?
177
00:05:59,178 --> 00:06:00,638
It's hilarious when you joke.
178
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:02,440
So, some fellas
down at the station
179
00:06:02,473 --> 00:06:05,933
came up with the hashtag
HoHoHomewrecker.
180
00:06:05,977 --> 00:06:07,357
It's a bit of a mouthful.
181
00:06:07,395 --> 00:06:08,725
What do you know
about those?
182
00:06:08,771 --> 00:06:10,641
How did you find me?
183
00:06:10,690 --> 00:06:13,410
Because I'm the most respected,
hard-working journalist
184
00:06:13,443 --> 00:06:14,653
this town's ever seen.
185
00:06:15,737 --> 00:06:16,907
Now, tell me, Helenor,
186
00:06:16,946 --> 00:06:18,656
how frequently
would Christmas come early?
187
00:06:18,698 --> 00:06:19,788
Look, man,
188
00:06:19,824 --> 00:06:21,114
the scandal's called
"Penis-Gate",
189
00:06:21,159 --> 00:06:23,959
and news flash, no penis.
190
00:06:23,995 --> 00:06:25,075
If we can just move on.
191
00:06:25,121 --> 00:06:26,161
You know what, Helenor,
192
00:06:26,205 --> 00:06:27,205
that's a fair point.
193
00:06:27,248 --> 00:06:28,208
Ladies and gentleman,
194
00:06:28,249 --> 00:06:30,299
the siren who shagged Santa
195
00:06:30,334 --> 00:06:32,124
and lured him
to the naughty side--
196
00:06:32,170 --> 00:06:34,340
Helenor of Helenor-Gate.
197
00:06:36,966 --> 00:06:37,886
I don't do drugs.
198
00:06:40,178 --> 00:06:42,518
It's like
a sauna in here, huh?
199
00:06:42,555 --> 00:06:43,345
[laughs]
200
00:06:43,389 --> 00:06:44,689
Man, I needed that.
201
00:06:45,725 --> 00:06:47,765
You know, I haven't even
caroled once
202
00:06:47,810 --> 00:06:49,400
since that pic broke.
203
00:06:49,437 --> 00:06:50,727
I open my mouth to sing
204
00:06:50,772 --> 00:06:52,892
and it's just full
of big, hairy dick.
205
00:06:54,066 --> 00:06:55,106
I feel you, brother.
206
00:06:55,151 --> 00:06:56,481
It's like eight maids a milkin',
207
00:06:56,527 --> 00:06:58,827
but, ultimately,
the milk was hot...
208
00:06:58,863 --> 00:07:00,073
and lumpy.
209
00:07:00,114 --> 00:07:03,454
This Helenor-Gate stuff's
pretty naughty, huh?
210
00:07:03,493 --> 00:07:07,323
Hark, Len,
the angels have stopped singing.
211
00:07:07,371 --> 00:07:10,581
Part of me's actually starting
to feel bad for Santa.
212
00:07:11,626 --> 00:07:13,006
He is just a man.
213
00:07:13,044 --> 00:07:16,374
And Cocoa said she was just
a seductive prostitute.
214
00:07:17,590 --> 00:07:19,600
I heard that
some of the elves
215
00:07:19,634 --> 00:07:22,384
have been talking about
going back to work.
216
00:07:22,428 --> 00:07:24,558
Now that we know
that it's HelenWhore's fault.
217
00:07:25,431 --> 00:07:26,721
[together] Poor Nick.
218
00:07:29,268 --> 00:07:31,398
Poor Nick?!
219
00:07:31,437 --> 00:07:33,397
[Jack] They're gonna go
back to work.
220
00:07:33,439 --> 00:07:35,319
Stop talking about
Helenor immediately!
221
00:07:35,358 --> 00:07:37,528
No can do, Jacky Boy.
222
00:07:37,568 --> 00:07:39,368
Turns out these elves
are more sexist
223
00:07:39,404 --> 00:07:40,484
than they are offended.
224
00:07:40,530 --> 00:07:42,580
My ratings are through the roof.
225
00:07:42,615 --> 00:07:45,745
I earned those ratings,
you ungrateful little fish.
226
00:07:45,785 --> 00:07:46,745
Yeah?
227
00:07:46,786 --> 00:07:47,746
Uh-huh?
228
00:07:47,787 --> 00:07:48,877
Whatever, dude.
229
00:07:48,913 --> 00:07:50,533
[Jack] Don't you waddle
away from me!
230
00:07:50,581 --> 00:07:52,241
Unless you want me
to tell the world
231
00:07:52,291 --> 00:07:54,581
what really wakes up Cocoa
in the morning.
232
00:07:54,627 --> 00:07:55,967
Cocaine!
233
00:07:57,422 --> 00:07:58,792
It's a new world, Jack,
234
00:07:58,840 --> 00:07:59,930
and if it's true
235
00:07:59,966 --> 00:08:01,846
that the elves
are gonna go back to work
236
00:08:01,884 --> 00:08:04,384
mere days after Penis-Gate,
237
00:08:04,429 --> 00:08:06,639
that means a little coke
on my beak
238
00:08:06,681 --> 00:08:07,881
ain't gonna ruffle
any feathers.
239
00:08:09,016 --> 00:08:10,646
Which I have
'cause I'm a bird.
240
00:08:11,769 --> 00:08:12,609
My advice?
241
00:08:12,645 --> 00:08:14,435
Do something a little naughty!
242
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,150
I'm Prince Blackjack,
Defender of the Nice!
243
00:08:16,190 --> 00:08:17,150
[moaning and thumping]
244
00:08:17,191 --> 00:08:18,731
Under my reign,
245
00:08:18,776 --> 00:08:21,236
Santa will never forget
a nice kid.
246
00:08:21,279 --> 00:08:22,529
-[moaning gets louder]
-Ever again!
247
00:08:22,572 --> 00:08:24,902
And parents will remain
in a loving marriage--
248
00:08:24,949 --> 00:08:27,159
-[moaning crescendos]
-Will you pay attention to me?!
249
00:08:27,201 --> 00:08:29,491
[reindeer moaning in ecstasy]
250
00:08:29,537 --> 00:08:30,917
Agh!
251
00:08:33,332 --> 00:08:35,452
Did that deer just cum
while looking me in the eye?
252
00:08:35,501 --> 00:08:37,621
Look at that, your first orgy.
253
00:08:37,670 --> 00:08:39,630
See, you're practically
naughty already.
254
00:08:40,673 --> 00:08:41,503
Shut up!
255
00:08:41,549 --> 00:08:42,639
I'll never be naughty.
256
00:08:42,675 --> 00:08:45,635
You hacked
your dad's dick photo, dude.
257
00:08:45,678 --> 00:08:46,678
Embrace it.
258
00:08:46,721 --> 00:08:48,801
Go drop acid
with the Polar Bears.
259
00:08:48,848 --> 00:08:50,268
Jerk off a Narwhal.
260
00:08:50,308 --> 00:08:51,398
Have a cookie!
261
00:08:51,434 --> 00:08:52,434
But whatever you do,
262
00:08:52,477 --> 00:08:55,527
for god's sake,
just live, man.
263
00:08:55,563 --> 00:08:57,733
That's how you become jolly.
264
00:08:57,774 --> 00:09:00,984
That's how you become
Santy Claus.
265
00:09:03,738 --> 00:09:04,788
Fuck you, Fish.
266
00:09:06,741 --> 00:09:07,991
[reindeer chomps]
267
00:09:10,078 --> 00:09:11,118
Ah, fuck it.
268
00:09:11,162 --> 00:09:12,412
[Ebba] We know you were under
269
00:09:12,455 --> 00:09:14,125
the naughty influence
of Helenor,
270
00:09:14,165 --> 00:09:16,415
so we're willing to forgive you.
271
00:09:16,459 --> 00:09:18,509
The nice children
of the world shouldn't suffer
272
00:09:18,544 --> 00:09:19,714
because you were tempted
273
00:09:19,754 --> 00:09:21,964
by the fruit
of that evil seductress.
274
00:09:22,006 --> 00:09:23,466
Wait, what?
275
00:09:23,508 --> 00:09:26,178
Naughty kids don't get gifts
for a reason,
276
00:09:26,219 --> 00:09:28,559
and that reason is
they ruin everything--
277
00:09:28,596 --> 00:09:30,516
the way Helenor did.
278
00:09:30,556 --> 00:09:33,226
But we're offering you a chance
to make it right.
279
00:09:33,267 --> 00:09:34,767
I've spoken
to my trampoline team
280
00:09:34,811 --> 00:09:37,971
and we're also quite eager
to jump back into work, sir.
281
00:09:38,022 --> 00:09:39,232
All we need is for you
282
00:09:39,273 --> 00:09:41,523
to once again take
The Pledge of the Nice,
283
00:09:41,567 --> 00:09:44,367
denounce all relations
with the Naughty Community,
284
00:09:44,404 --> 00:09:48,154
and fa-la-la-la-la,
we're making toys again!
285
00:09:48,199 --> 00:09:50,209
Hmm...
286
00:09:50,243 --> 00:09:52,033
what to do,
what to do...
287
00:09:52,078 --> 00:09:54,208
Tell them
to go fuck themselves.
288
00:09:54,247 --> 00:09:55,537
Hmm!
289
00:09:55,581 --> 00:09:57,291
Are you serious, man?
290
00:09:57,333 --> 00:09:59,043
Swallow your pride
and save Christmas,
291
00:09:59,085 --> 00:10:00,125
you fat asshole!
292
00:10:02,380 --> 00:10:05,550
Oh, Lamanda,
you lost both legs.
293
00:10:05,591 --> 00:10:06,841
Oh, give me a break!
294
00:10:06,884 --> 00:10:08,714
I guarantee you
this girl can walk.
295
00:10:08,761 --> 00:10:11,221
And don't forget the reason
she's even in Australia.
296
00:10:11,264 --> 00:10:13,014
The real victim here--
297
00:10:13,057 --> 00:10:14,017
the children.
298
00:10:14,058 --> 00:10:15,438
Oi, I'm Jase.
299
00:10:15,476 --> 00:10:16,516
Without Christmas,
300
00:10:16,561 --> 00:10:19,141
I'll probably
commit suicide by shark.
301
00:10:19,188 --> 00:10:21,188
Or at least
turn to a life of crime,
302
00:10:21,232 --> 00:10:22,642
or prostitution.
303
00:10:22,692 --> 00:10:24,192
[Ebba] Ahem.
The pledge, sir.
304
00:10:27,238 --> 00:10:28,368
[sighs]
305
00:10:28,406 --> 00:10:29,406
I pledge allegiance
306
00:10:29,449 --> 00:10:32,039
to our founding father,
Skatonik.
307
00:10:32,076 --> 00:10:33,416
I will execute the traditions
308
00:10:33,453 --> 00:10:35,953
and uphold morality
throughout the world
309
00:10:35,997 --> 00:10:37,287
by only giving gifts
310
00:10:37,331 --> 00:10:38,991
to children who are obedient,
311
00:10:39,041 --> 00:10:40,201
righteous,
312
00:10:40,251 --> 00:10:42,541
cheerful, and nice.
313
00:10:42,587 --> 00:10:45,927
And to the naughty...
314
00:10:45,965 --> 00:10:47,095
I denounce you.
315
00:10:52,096 --> 00:10:53,636
Hmm.
316
00:10:55,475 --> 00:10:56,555
Look, Mommy!
317
00:10:56,601 --> 00:10:58,851
The dirty lady Santa stuffed!
318
00:10:58,895 --> 00:11:02,105
Sweetheart, where did you learn
those naughty words?
319
00:11:06,903 --> 00:11:08,523
Real nice.
320
00:11:09,572 --> 00:11:10,862
I was wrong about you.
321
00:11:10,907 --> 00:11:11,947
You're just like
322
00:11:11,991 --> 00:11:13,111
all the other Claus men
in history--
323
00:11:13,159 --> 00:11:14,459
a coward!
324
00:11:14,494 --> 00:11:16,284
I'm so sorry.
325
00:11:16,329 --> 00:11:17,459
Okay, there were just
326
00:11:17,497 --> 00:11:20,087
all these little people
on my shoulders.
327
00:11:20,124 --> 00:11:21,504
I had no choice.
328
00:11:21,542 --> 00:11:24,622
We all have choices,
and you decided to sell me out.
329
00:11:24,670 --> 00:11:25,880
But it's cool, right?
330
00:11:25,922 --> 00:11:28,462
'Cause at least
the elves are back to work.
331
00:11:28,508 --> 00:11:30,598
These were
really hard decisions.
332
00:11:30,635 --> 00:11:33,305
So is standing up
for what you believe in.
333
00:11:33,346 --> 00:11:34,766
You know,
for the rest of my life,
334
00:11:34,806 --> 00:11:37,436
I'm gonna be
Helenor of Helenor-Gate,
335
00:11:37,475 --> 00:11:39,725
and you'll just be Santa Claus.
336
00:11:39,769 --> 00:11:41,269
Enjoy your toys, asshole.
337
00:11:41,312 --> 00:11:43,062
[door slams]
338
00:11:43,106 --> 00:11:44,276
Sorry, man.
339
00:11:44,315 --> 00:11:46,275
Would you like a cookie?
340
00:11:46,317 --> 00:11:48,197
Nah, I'm not in the mood.
341
00:11:48,236 --> 00:11:49,906
What in the actual fuck, man?
342
00:11:49,946 --> 00:11:51,196
I just spent
an hour and a half
343
00:11:51,239 --> 00:11:52,579
making these damn things.
344
00:11:53,533 --> 00:11:54,903
Okay fine,
I'll have seven.
345
00:11:55,952 --> 00:11:57,612
So the elves are back to work
and I am psyched!
346
00:11:57,662 --> 00:11:58,572
So stay where you are,
347
00:11:58,621 --> 00:11:59,531
because after the break,
348
00:11:59,580 --> 00:12:00,790
we'll be bringing you
349
00:12:00,832 --> 00:12:02,332
more wall-to-wall coverage
of Helenor-Gate,
350
00:12:02,375 --> 00:12:03,505
including a fireside chat
351
00:12:03,543 --> 00:12:05,043
with her third-grade
biology teach--
352
00:12:05,086 --> 00:12:07,126
Crisis averted.
353
00:12:07,171 --> 00:12:08,751
Fuck that penguin.
354
00:12:08,798 --> 00:12:10,888
I heard "Cocoa"
isn't even his real name.
355
00:12:10,925 --> 00:12:12,175
It's like "John".
356
00:12:12,218 --> 00:12:14,678
You know, I was thinking,
357
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,730
now that Nick and Helenor
are out in the open,
358
00:12:16,764 --> 00:12:19,434
maybe we could go public.
359
00:12:19,475 --> 00:12:20,805
The world should know
360
00:12:20,852 --> 00:12:25,142
about the epic love
that is Dasher and Mrs. Claus.
361
00:12:25,189 --> 00:12:26,359
Were you not listening
362
00:12:26,399 --> 00:12:28,449
to anything
that train-wreck just said?
363
00:12:28,484 --> 00:12:30,274
Yeah, but I'm strong.
364
00:12:30,319 --> 00:12:31,579
I can take it.
365
00:12:31,612 --> 00:12:33,692
Oh... you think--
366
00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:36,290
Dasher, if we went public,
what would happen?
367
00:12:36,325 --> 00:12:37,535
You'd get, what?
368
00:12:37,577 --> 00:12:38,457
Pats on the rump?
369
00:12:38,494 --> 00:12:39,914
High-hooves?
370
00:12:39,954 --> 00:12:41,494
Love high-hooves.
371
00:12:41,539 --> 00:12:43,129
And I'd be Gretchen-Gated.
372
00:12:43,166 --> 00:12:44,496
So no.
373
00:12:44,542 --> 00:12:45,542
We're keeping this private.
374
00:12:45,585 --> 00:12:46,755
Also cool.
375
00:12:46,794 --> 00:12:48,714
You know the thing
I can't figure out
376
00:12:48,755 --> 00:12:51,715
is the real scandal
has always been Helenor,
377
00:12:51,758 --> 00:12:55,058
so why wouldn't they have led
with that...
378
00:12:55,094 --> 00:12:56,384
unless somehow
379
00:12:56,429 --> 00:12:58,729
they didn't know
about her and Nick...
380
00:12:58,765 --> 00:13:02,225
You're saying a lot of things
that are confusing my brain.
381
00:13:02,268 --> 00:13:04,358
Oh, my God.
382
00:13:04,395 --> 00:13:05,435
I need a ride.
383
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:06,690
Fuck, yeah.
384
00:13:06,731 --> 00:13:08,641
Round two.
Ding, ding!
385
00:13:08,691 --> 00:13:10,521
No. Like,
literally get on all fours
386
00:13:10,568 --> 00:13:12,818
and fly me out of here.
387
00:13:12,862 --> 00:13:15,362
It's time
to put my sleuthing cap on.
388
00:13:19,952 --> 00:13:21,452
[***]
389
00:13:21,496 --> 00:13:22,786
[rewinding]
390
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:27,386
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