All language subtitles for Hacks.S01E09.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- Okay, can we strip that light
just a little bit more?

Little more, little more.

Yeah, yeah, there!
Let's not go nuts.

I spent way too much
on Botox for that.

- [chuckles]

- Okay, so, Ava,
I stay seated, um,

until the fertility run, which
is right after the broken foot.

- Uh, sorry, I think
Claus collector is first.

- Oh, crap! I forgot.
Yes, yes, okay.

So it's broken foot,

uh, debt collector
who looks like Santa Claus,

then fertility.
- Yes.

- I'm never gonna
remember all this.

- Just bring
your notebook onstage.

- Oh, oh, oh, no way.

Never happen, not in 2,499
shows, no.

- Right, but, again, this is
a different kind of show.

I mean, I think having
the notebook up there

makes it feel way more raw

like coffeehouse vibes,
you know?

- Coffeehouse vibes?
- Yep.

- Terrific. Oh, I know.

I'll get them to attach
the bathroom key to a big chunk

of wood, you know,
with a little leather strap.

- Of course the reversible
jacket is a priority for us.

She's just been busy with--

- [laughs]
- Yes, I know.

Understood. No, no,
you should not call her.

You know she loves
to shoot the messenger.

Let me figure out a way
to bring it up

to her delicately,
and I'll get back to you.

- And I saw those old photos
of you, so maybe also...

- [laughs]
- Okay, talk soon.

- I'll look like Joan Baez.

- Okay, don't bring
a notebook.

I'm trying to help you.
Just a reminder.

[cell phone chimes]

Hey, um,

I actually have to get going
to my doctor's appointment.

- You're leaving now?
We barely got started.

- Yeah, um, but it was the only
appointment that I could get.

It's just a routine post-op
thing, you know, no biggie.

Major complications
are very rare,

but there can be pain,
uh, bleeding, um...

I read somewhere
vaginal discharge--

- Please, just--yeah, fine.

Thank you. Just go.
It's okay.

- All right.
- But do me a favor.

Will you stay off WebMD?
It's bad for your personality.

- Copy that.

- I'll see you
at the run-through tomorrow.

- Okay, thanks.
Great. Love you, bye.

- Oh, finally.

So Roy is threatening
to downgrade the jackets

to digital-only
if we delay the launch.

- What?
- I know.

Nightmare scenario, but we may
be able to appease him

with an in-studio appearance.

- Oh, God, Roy is so dramatic.

He's like Nancy Kerrigan
after that whole--

- Brutal attack?
- Yeah.

- Okay, well, I can't keep
kicking the can down the road,

so since Ava's gone,

can we please meet tonight
and schedule something?

- Marcus, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I can't. I've got promo photos.

I've got to prep
for the press tomorrow.

- Okay.

- Why don't you just go
and enjoy your free time?

- O...kay.

Very scary
when she tries to be nice.

- Okay, let's go back to one.

Gary!

Ah, Jesus, I'm not gonna miss
the drunks that work here.

[upbeat electronic music]

♪ ♪

- [giggles]

♪ ♪

- Hey, how's it going?
- Ugh, so good.

Everyone in L.A.
has such good style.

I can't tell who's HAIM
and who's just three people.

- HAIM is actually on tour
right now, so...

- Ugh, I love
that you know that.

- Bryce Dallas Howard's
in the bathroom, though.

- Oh, my God.

- She's actually been in there
a long time.

- Oh.

Well, I'll have
whatever she had.

- I can't disclose that. Sorry.
- Oh, my God, of course. Sorry.

That's on me.
That's on me.

Um, I'll just have, like,

an iced matcha latte
with elderberry syrup, please.

- Okay, that'll be $11.58.
- Oh, my God!

That is so expensive.
I love it.

- Bump those 10%.
- 10%. Got it.

- Hey, Deb.

You got a second?
- For you? No.

- I come as a friend.

- [scoffs]

- I hear you're doing
a whole new hour.

For your final show?

- Mm-hmm.
- Come on.

What is that?

- Oh, so now you're a critic.
- [laughs] Deborah.

- This show's gonna be
a big hit.

A lot of important
people are coming--

people who know something
about art, like Steve Wynn,

Manny Azenberg--
- Steve Wynn's blind.

He put his elbow
through a Picasso.

- Whatever.

- Look, this is your final show
on this stage.

I know you're upset. I know
that things are changing.

But don't do anything
that you'll regret

just because you're mad at me.
- [scoffs]

- You know, I just don't want
you to embarrass yourself.

- Oh, well, thanks
for looking out for me,

you condescending
piece of shit.

And you've always had my back.
That way, it's easier to stab.

By my calculations,
this is my theater

till Saturday,
so get the hell out.

- Wow. Okay.

Oh, it's, uh, my theater, Deb.

- Get the fuck out.
- [chuckles]

Have a good show.

[soft music]

- So sorry about the wait.

Your food will be
out very soon.

- Oh, I have been eating
buffet food for months.

It's an honor to wait for food
that has not been prepared yet.

[chuckles]
- Okay.

- Oh, order for Ruby.

- Just a moment.
- Thanks.

- Hey.
- Oh, my God, hey.

[both laugh]

What are you doing here?

- Well, I'm only in town
for 24 hours,

and I was craving the mussels
from this place.

Also, I know this was, like,
our favorite spot,

so it probably seems like
I came here to run into you,

but I didn't plan
for that to hap--

I mean, it did happen,

but, you know,
take that up with the universe.

- Dude, stop.
It's great to see you.

- It's great to see you, too.

- Are--are you eating alone?

That's not a very you thing.

- Yeah, you know, I am.

I've had a lot of practice
as of late.

And besides, you know what?
It's probably for the best,

because I just ordered
the entire menu,

and no one should witness
what I'm about to do.

- There you go.

- Hey, can you actually
plate this?

I'm gonna eat at the bar.

- Sure.

♪ ♪

- I want to witness it.

- Okay.
I warned you.

- [chuckles]

- [muttering to herself]

- Can I get you a snack?

You didn't finish
any of your dinner.

- No, no. I'm fine.
I'm just working.

- Maybe try one of
the CBD tinctures I gave you.

A couple drops.
Tiny, tiny.

- Yeah, no, no, no, thanks.
I'm good.

You can go home.
- Okay.

Oh, my niece, she doesn't want
the comp ticket to your show.

She has plans
with her roommate.

I don't think
it's her roommate.

I think
it's a girlfriend, but--

- I'm--I really need to work.
- Oh.

- Good night.
- Okay, good night.

- It was rough at first.

Sometimes it's still brutal.

But, you know, at least
now we kind of get each other.

And I actually think the show
we're writing is really good.

- Wow. Have you become a person
that respects their boss?

- [laughs] That or I have
Stockholm syndrome,

which is fine.

I love Swedish culture.
- Mm-hmm.

- It usually comes
with free health care.

[both laugh]

Anyway, um, how's, uh, Kelly?

- Uh, I literally hate
to tell you you were right,

but, um,
we broke up a month ago.

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
- Mm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- No, but, like, seriously,
I-I really didn't mean--

- No, no, it's--it's fine.

You know, my schedule
was insane,

and then when I was home, we
just fought all the time, so...

- I totally understand
why you didn't reach out,

but if you do ever need
to talk,

you know you can call me.

I promise,
I know not to send you

unsolicited pornography
anymore.

- Oh, you do?
- Yes.

Obviously, I still would, but
you would have to ask, so...

[both laugh]

[moody music]

- There's something different
about you.

- I--you know,
I have been dressing

in a way that de-emphasizes

the size of my hands,
but other than that...

- Uh-uh, you're not spiraling

or making me spiral.

- Um, I don't know.

I think maybe I'm, like...

happy?

[laughs] Oh, God,
I sound like you

after you did mushrooms
with that witch in Idyllwild.

- Oh, no! Mm-mm.
- [laughs]

- That was insane.
I was very happy, though.

[both laugh]

♪ ♪

So the interview...

- Yeah.
- Is tomorrow.

- Tomorrow, yeah.
Um, oh, my God.

It would be so incredible
to work with them.

They're so cool, but...

I don't know. I'll probably say
something stupid to mess it up.

- Oh, stop.
You know you're charming.

It's annoying, actually.

♪ ♪

- [laughs]
- Ugh.

[both laughing]

Um, what are you up to now?

Bricker's hosting
this whiskey tasting

before he goes on Whole 30

for that Bob Dylan
biopic he's doing.

[both laugh]

Wow, that was the whitest thing
I've ever said.

- Yeah, even I think that.

Well, I'm sure you'll have fun.

- It'd be more fun if you came.

Or, um, we could skip
the tasting altogether

and go back to my place.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- Fuck.

I want to.

And I'm in physical pain
saying this,

but, ah, I think I got to go
back to my hotel

and do some homework.

I want to be prepared
for tomorrow

instead of my usual move,
which is just wing it

and hope
they don't call me on it.

- I get it.

- Maybe I'll be back
in L.A. soon.

- I hope so.

- Me too.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

- Yeah, can you just stay on
the line until I'm sure?

Okay.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Can I help you?
- Oh, sorry. I live in 4A.

This is my stuff.

I'm just looking
for my Fenty Pumas.

You know
the ones with the gummy soles?

- Well, that's interesting
because I live in 4A.

- Oh, shit.
You're Jordan, the subletter.

- Yeah.
- Sorry, I meant I own 4A.

I'm Ava.
I tried knocking earlier.

- Yeah, I was in the shower.
- Whoo!

Got 'em.

Sorry.

I got to get to an interview,
and I need to look cool,

hip, young but also not trying
too hard, you know.

So I popped back here,

get the Fenty Pumas
with the gummy soles.

- Yeah, I heard that before.

Uh, you know what?
- Uh-huh.

- Since you're here,

do you mind checking out
the bathroom?

The skylight will not close.

- Oh, my God, I didn't know
that thing opened. Cool!

But, no, I got to get to this
meeting, and I'm already late.

So nice to meet you, Jordan.

[cell phone chimes]
Siri, text Kayla.

- Yeah, hi.

- Did she just say
she was there for an interview?

- Yeah.
- Huh.

[ice rattling, door closes]

Midday martini?

- Ugh, do I look
completely exhausted?

- No.
- I couldn't sleep.

Marty tells me that I'm going
to embarrass myself

with this new show.

What does he know?

His job is just a series
of high-cholesterol lunches.

- Clearly, the show is
stressing you out,

and there's no shame
in going back to what works.

- No, no, no. Ava and I have
worked too hard on this.

- Well, about Ava,
uh, I don't know

if you should be putting
all your trust in her.

- Okay, you know what?
What is it with you and her?

Are you seriously jealous
of a 25-year-old?

- [chuckles] Jea--No.

- Is it really
about the material,

or is it the fact that
it was her idea and not yours?

- Huh, okay.

You know,
you're absolutely right.

Uh, your material is not
my department.

I have plenty to do.

You have plenty to drink.
I'll let you get to it.

[door opens]
- [sighs]

[door closes]

[upbeat synth music]

♪ ♪

- Uh-oh, union strong, baby!
[giggles]

[cell phone vibrating]

Oof, not today, girl.

♪ ♪

Hell, yeah, C stand.

[bicycle bell dings]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Now I want you ♪

♪ To leave me alone ♪

[indistinct conversation]

- [sighs]
[cell phone vibrating]

♪ ♪

Deborah.

- There's a lot fewer jokes
in this whole thing,

a-and I'm afraid that
without pausing for laughs,

it's all gonna
feel way too short.

I mean, I could be up there
for 32 minutes,

and then what?

- Jesus, I picked up 'cause
I thought it was an emergency.

- It is! I mean, we've never
even run the show

with a full house before.

It just--
it just feels too rushed.

- Well, I think
it's long enough,

but we can practice the pacing
at the run-through later today.

- No, I don't want
to wait till 5:00.

Just come over now,
and we'll do it.

- I really don't think
that's necessary.

Plus, I'm at the doctor.

- I thought your appointment
was yesterday.

- Yeah, well, they ordered
some bloodwork on...

uh, my blood, so I'm back.

[bell ringing]
- I don't know. It just--

I just keep imagining myself
up onstage,

and, uh, it's just silence.

- You've been through way worse
than silence, Deborah.

Plus, the show is good,
like, really fucking good.

You should be proud of it.

I know I am.

Trust me.

- Okay, okay. I do.

- Okay. I got to go.
I'll see you at 5:00.

- Okay.

- It just feels like
she's just so raw.

Do you know what I mean?
I think it's--

- Oh, there she is!
- Hi!

I'm Ava.
So nice to meet you.

Sorry I'm late.
The traffic was terrible.

- Oh, our assistant checked in
with your manager.

She said you had
a pregnancy scare.

- Ugh, Kayla.

Um, that's actually
my manager's assistant,

and I-I haven't had sex
in a while, actually.

[chuckles]
And he used a condom,

and, uh, the next morning
he killed himself.

- Wow! [laughs] We heard you
had a dark sense of humor.

- Ugh, not a joke.
Let's do this meeting.

[cell phone vibrating]

- Finally, I've called you
three times.

- Sorry, I got a new phone,

but Kayla set it up
with her iCloud,

so I saw a lot of pictures
I never should've seen.

Uh, anyway, I've been in HR
all afternoon.

I'm so sorry. What's going on?

- Well, Deborah found out
that Ava went to L.A.

for that interview,
and she's pissed.

- Hold on. I don't know
what you're talking about.

What interview?
- Wait, you're asking me?

- Hey, uh, it was me.
My bad.

I-I'm--
That was my fault.

- Marcus, hold on. Wait.
What are you talking about?

- I'm so sorry--
I totally forgot to tell you

I set up that meeting
behind your back.

- You set up a meeting for Ava
behind my back,

when she's working for Deborah,
one of our biggest clients?

What are you doing?

- I'm hip-pocketing Ava.
You told me to take initiative.

- You can't
hip-pocket my clients!

They're my clients!
Please, get out of here, okay?

Leave!
- Lo siento, papi.

- Stop calling me papi!

- I'm really sorry.
Really so--Got to go.

- Okay, Marcus, I am caught up.

Um, how do I fix this?

- Well, you can start
by calling her and apologizing.

- So, when people are on a roll
at a slot machine,

they'll often piss
and shit themselves

instead of getting up.

So, if you're ever passing
through, watch where you sit.

- Americans are disgusting!
- Oh, we are.

- Can I get you guys
anything else?

- Oh, um, I would love
a Diet Coke,

uh, from the fountain, please.

- You got it.
- Thanks.

- Okay, well, we shouldn't
keep you here all day

just because
you're fun to talk to.

- So we loved your sample.
- Loved it.

- Thank you.
That's so nice to hear.

- Our producers
would absolutely kill me

for giving away
leverage here, but...

in our minds, you're hired.

- Oh, my Go--Are you serious?
- Yep.

- Amazing!
Thank you.

- We're gonna start
in a couple of weeks,

and, uh, we are renting

a beachfront bungalow
in Santa Monica

to write out of.
- It's gorgeous.

- Uh, the beach?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm getting
my pussy waxed.

[laughter]
- Oh, my God, I love it!

Oh, that's brilliant.
You are so fun.

We just cannot wait to hear
more of your stories.

- Oh, I've got stories.

There is so much about Vegas
people don't know.

- Oh, no, um,
we meant about your boss.

Yeah, our show
is about a bitch PM.

- Yeah, prime minister.
- Mm-hmm.

- We believe that true feminism
is being able to just say

that some women
are cunty monsters.

You know, we want to showcase
that on TV,

and we feel like you've got
a lot of experience

with a nightmare boss.
[laughs]

- Oh...

that's it?

That's--that's what the show's
about, just some shitty woman?

- Well, it's a well-observed
character study...

- It is, yeah.
- Of a shitty woman.

- Mm-hmm.
Oh, you know, actually,

we heard this story
that she ditched you

in the middle of the desert
one time.

Is that true? Because that
is positively biblical.

- It's exactly what
we're looking for.

- Well, you don't really
know her.

- Look, Ava,
we're simply commenting

on the culture
that calls women crazy

by looking
at a legitimately crazy woman.

You know, the whole thing
is like an examination

of women who are--
- Crazy.

- Yeah, there we go.
- Got it.

Um, you know what?

I...

I don't think
this job is for me.

- Hold on. You're going to pass
on this just to keep working

with an insult comic?

- She's not an insult comic.

She's actually really good.

- Doesn't she have a whole run
about Malala's face?

- Well...yeah.

- We took a chance on you.
- Mm-hmm.

- The network didn't want us
to meet with you.

We pushed back!
- We did.

- Oh, whatever.

Fuck them, and fuck your show,

even though I'm sure it'll be
fantastically successful

because your accents
make everything sound smarter

than it actually is.

I don't need your job.
I'd rather have my dignity.

[both scoff]

Ugh!
- Holy shit! Are you all right?

- It's okay.
It's okay.

I'm good.
It's all good!

- Hey.

Your Diva cup
fell out of your bag.

- Ah, thanks.

[indistinct chatter]

- [exhales sharply] Ooh.
- Well...

[cell phone vibrating]

- Hi, Jimmy.

I got two minutes
till my next interview.

- I just wanted to say
I am so sorry about Ava.

I had no idea she was coming to
L.A. to interview for that job.

I had nothing to do with it.

- Andy's here
from the "Las Vegas Sun."

- I just wanted to explain
that it was Kayla.

She's truly an absolute idiot.
- Okay, thanks for the call.

- Could you just give me
one more second? I just--

- Um, got to go.
- Okay.

[sighs]

Kayla, oof, bad.

- [sighs]

[cell phone clatters softly]

- So, Deborah,
everybody is talking

about this new show of yours.

- What can you tell me
about it?

- Good, good, good.
Well, um...

I will be telling the untold,
most intimate stories

of my personal life that
no one has ever heard before.

So it'll, uh...

it'll be a real change of pace,

a real, um, change
of, uh, tone.

Uh...

You know, you, uh--you asked me
a question a few months ago

about my ex-husband, Frank.

He had just died, and I believe
I said, "No comment."

- Well, actually, you made
light of my dandruff problem

and told me to fuck off,

so we really
don't have to go there.

- No, I want to.

I want to talk about it.

A lot of people think
that Frank started my career.

He didn't.

But we did start our careers
together...

and it was a dream.

And when you share
a sense of humor with someone,

it's like finding someone
who speaks your own, you know,

private little language.

And you make each other better.

But his...

ambition got in the way,

and he left me,

and I was so scared

because I thought
I needed someone else

and that I would never find
anyone like him ever again.

But then I found stand-up.

Thank God.

You know, everyone thinks
that stand-up is so scary

because you're up there
all alone,

but it is the least scary thing
in the world...

'cause no one
can disappoint you.

- Isn't that
a little lonely, though?

- It's just true.

We come into this world
completely alone,

and that's how we leave it.

Most people spend
their whole lives

pretending that's not true...

but I don't pretend.

I never have.

- [breathing heavily]

Hey.
Uh, where's Deborah?

There was supposed
to be a run-through.

- She canceled it.
- [scoffs] What?

- Yeah. Like I just said,
she canceled.

- [sighs]

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- Hey.

- Hello.

- You canceled
the run-through?

- Yeah.

Got to keep it fresh.

- Really? 'Cause I thought
you wanted to practice.

- How was
your doctor's appointment?

- It was fine.

I-I barely remember it
'cause it was so...

fine.

- Great.

Want to help?

- Sure.

Hey.

- Hey.

- Do you have any extra gloves
or anything?

[refrigerator door opens]
- No.

[glass clinks]

Okay, so I need you
to hold the tail.

It's a little slippery.

I wouldn't want to cut off one
of those really long fingers.

- [sighs]
Wow, this is gross.

[loud thud]

- You'll get used to it.

Thanks.

- [softly]
Yeah.

- ♪ Just like a ship ♪

- ♪ Mm, without a sail ♪

- ♪ Without a sail ♪

- ♪ Just like a ship ♪

- ♪ Just like a ship ♪

- ♪ Mm, mm, without a sail ♪

- ♪ Without a sail ♪

- ♪ But I'm not worried
because I know ♪

- ♪ But I know
we can take it ♪

- ♪ I know ♪

- ♪ But I know
we can take it ♪

- ♪ I know we can shake it ♪

- ♪ But I know
we can take it ♪

- ♪ I know we can take it ♪

- ♪ But I know ♪

♪ We can take it ♪

- I searched for pleasure ♪

- ♪ I searched for pleasure ♪

- ♪ But I found pain ♪

- ♪ But I found pain ♪

- ♪ I looked for sunshine ♪

- ♪ I looked for sunshine ♪
- ♪ Yes, I did ♪

♪ But I found rain ♪

- ♪ But I found rain ♪

- ♪ And then I looked
for my friends ♪

- ♪ I looked for my friends ♪