All language subtitles for Cooper.Barretts.Guide.To.Surviving.Life.S01E13_English

You're watching
Cooper Barrett's Guide
to Surviving Life.

Who's the, uh,
wet, naked guy?

Barry.

ANNOUNCER:
Catch all-new episodes Sundays.

And check out our other
Fox programs-- New Girl,

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

and The Last Man on Earth.

Bingo.

Only on Fox.

(owl hooting in distance)

When you're in your 20's,

there's a lot of pressure
to have memorable birthdays.

Of course, some birthdays
are more memorable than others.

(whispering):
Is he gone yet?

(whispering): No, and we're
supposed to be dead.

Dead things don't whisper.

That sounds like
anti-ghost propaganda,

and I refuse to be a part of it.

NEAL: I told you guys,
playing dead doesn't work.

You're supposed to climb a tree.

(bear growling,
Neal gasping anxiously)

(growling)
I stand corrected!

I was a fool to trust
The Jungle Book.

My name is Cooper Barrett.

My friends and I are here
to mess up our lives

so you don't have to.

(alarm beeping)

Some people wake up
on their birthday smiling,

ready to have a good time.

I am not one of those people,

because I'm pretty sure
my birthday's cursed.

CROWD: Happy birthday!

Happy birthday, Cooper!

(screaming)

Ah!

Cooper, it's me, Grandpa.

Worst birthday ever.

Mr. Barrett, your test
results came back.

You have Ebola.

Oh, and happy birthday!

Worst birthday ever.

(partiers cheering)

Happy birthday, Cooper!

(screaming)

(groaning, gasping)

Josh?

(grunts)

Never gets old.

So, if this birthday would

just fly under the radar,
I'd prefer that.

But with my friends,
that's not possible.

Morning, guys.

Hey, Coop.
Shh.

Dude, you're not going
to believe this.

There's a police standoff
at the bank on Windsor.

You know, the one
with the free pens.

Mm, those pens
are not free, dude.

Why do they have them
with the free necklaces

that's attached to the counter?

Apparently, these four guys
in baby masks held up the bank

and the police think that
one of them got away.

BARRY:
What if those aren't masks?

And they're just big
aggressive babies.

Well, if nothing else
is happening today,

I'm going to go have a
business lunch with Ramona.

Oh, you mean Ramona, "I'm a
horrible person that Cooper

"unwisely decided to make his
business partner" Miller?

And they say black people
give their kids weird names.

Tell her I wish her the best...

therapist... money can buy.

Boom.

Boom!
(Barry laughs)

KELLY: Nailed it.
Hey...

maybe don't tell her that,
she scares me.

Anything else?

Oh, yeah...

We're not going
to be here later,

so you've got to be back
by three to feed James Franco.

BARRY:
Here, use my pen.

Write it down.
Don't forget.

(cell phone rings)

Hey, Josh.

Hey, hey, hey.

You've also got Leslie.

Hey, we're calling
to tell you...

Aw, you guys are so nice.

...to be safe, because
there's an armed standoff

at a bank, two blocks
from where you are,

and one of the robbers
is on the loose.

JOSH: Can you turn it up?
She's about to say

they have no new information.
Okay.

Because of the
distinctive baby masks,

police are calling the suspects
the Baby Face gang.

COOPER: Yeah, I already
knew about that. Uh...

anything else you want
to tell me, or...

Yeah, actually,
your brother and I

are thinking of
having another baby.

(snorts)
We are actively

not thinking about it.
LESLIE: No.

We are thinking about it,

because as our
couples counselor said,

if you don't consider it,
then you're not considerate.

This conversation
is making me sterile.

Okay, I'm going to hang up now.
LESLIE: Be safe.

Thanks for meeting up to go over
all this stuff on a Saturday.

No problem.

But first,
I have something for you.

Happy birthday.

(both laugh)

I can't believe you remembered.

Well, you know,
it's not that hard.

There's Facebook.

I have an assistant
with a calendar.

That book totally transformed
how I run a company.

Business Before Pleasure.

Yeah, it helped me realize that
without friends, family,

and personal time,
we're all just robots,

who are incredibly efficient
and make lots of money.

Hmm, that's very thoughtful.

Do you know that everyone else

forgot it was my birthday?
Wow!

Even that short lesbian girl
with the glasses?

You mean Neal?

He's a guy.
That's what I
thought at first,

based on the name, but then,
I second-guess myself.

No, it's not like I wanted them
to make a big fuss out of it.

It's just, you know,
I thought they'd remember.

At least Kelly.

Right, because you
two are dating.

We're not dating.
Hooking up?

No.
Oh, I get it.

She's dating that Neal girl.

Again, Neal's a guy.
Right.

I think it's the hair.

Hmm.

So what is the deal
with you and Kelly?

There's no deal.

We're just good friends

who forget each
other's birthdays.

Well, I would never
forget your birthday.

Thanks.

Cheers.

You didn't have
to walk me home.

I'm not drunk-drunk.

I'm just, you know,
day-drunk.

Well, I could care less
about your well-being.

I really just came
back here to seduce you.

(laughs) Well, I came
back to feed my pig.

And that is not
a euphemism.

You're not kidding about
the seducing thing, huh?

This is not what typically
happens on my birthdays.

A lot of notches
in that thing.

(grunts, mutters)

GROUP: Surprise!

(horn toots)

H-h-how did you...

BARRY: Kelly's been organizing
this for weeks.

(gasping)

See, this is the
kind of thing

that typically happens
on my birthday.

(music playing)

I happy to celebration
your born day, Cooper.

Have a good time.
Yeah.

Okay.
BARRY: So you literally just

heard about the party today?
COOPER: Hey.

What?
Who's that guy?

That's Arvid, dude.

He's Airbnb-ing
Asexual Tony's spare room.

The guy on the
first floor?
No, that's Sexual Tony.

Asexual Tony lives
on the second floor.

He's right over there.

Hey, Tony.

Yeah, look man,

Kelly worked her ass off

to make sure everybody
was here for your birthday.

(sighing):
Yeah.

I gotta fix this.

Hey, Kelly,
Hey.

I just, uh...

I just want to apologize.
For what?

You organized the whole party,
and then, I-I-I-I came in...

Making out with
the worst person in the world

with your pants
around your ankles?

(forced laughter):
I didn't notice that.

Besides, I barely did anything.

No, no, no, don't do this, girl,
you need to lean in, okay?

She worked her tail off
for three weeks.

It wasn't three weeks.
NEAL: Girl,

stop.
Dude, she sent out the invites,

put up the decorations,

and she got us all tickets
to see Boyz II Men

in Big Bear via a party bus that
she booked with her own money.

It wasn't just my money.
Yes, it was.

Our offer to chip in
was a empty gesture.

I have no money
in my bank account.

I'm broke as hell.

Look, other people contributed.

Yeah, like Neal.
He made these Japanese burritos.

They're called sushi.

No, "sushi" is
Japanese for "burrito,"

and "burrito" is Mexican
for "delicious."

Kelly...

Herring is a little fish,

which is best pickled.

Many things are
good pickled. (laughs)

You're a very
boring person.

Look, I'm really sorry.

Cooper, you have nothing
to apologize for, honestly.

I was a little thrown;
that's it.

Come on, uh, if I threw you
a party and you came in

making out with some girl with
your pants around you ankles,

I mean...
I'd be super into that,

Okay.
so that was a
bad example.

Look, j-just so you know,
I'm not going to bring

Ramona to the concert.
What? No, bring her.

Cooper, I-I just wanted you to
have a good birthday with people

you're comfortable with.

This doesn't bother me.
You sure?

(forced laughter):
Yes, I'm fine.

Jell-O shot, anyone?

What do you think, Cooper?

Should I do a purple one...

or a green one?
Or maybe a red one?

Just take a freaking
Jell-O shot, Ramona.

Fun, so much fun.

Mmm!
Mmm!

(inhales deeply)

Oh, I love the smell
of a rented party bus.

The idea that you can party

on your way to your party.

One of man's
greatest inventions.

Wheel, fire, party bus.

Let's do this.

(all cheering, whooping)

Josh...
what are you doing?

Just getting
on the party bus, baby.

No, honey, we have to

relieve the sitter at 10:00,

so we're going to take
the minivan,

and follow them.
JOSH: No, no, no, no, no...

B-Baby, it's a,
it's a party bus.

Look at all this stuff.
Look, a stripper pole.

No, Josh, we gotta go.

What? No, no, no.
We gotta go.

Josh! Josh!
Guys, help me out here.

I am not going
to pull you off...

No, no, no, no, guys,
gotta get some here...

It's a party bus! (wails)
...of a stripper pole again.

No, no, no!
Not today, Josh.

Josh!
Come on!

All right!
Go! Come on!

ALL: Bye!
Bye, Josh!

Go, just go, go, go,
it'll be fine.

We'll follow you in the van.

Oh, cheer up, Josh.

This van's about
to get turnt.

I brought us

a little piece of the party bus
to make our trip extra fun.

Is it the black light? Please
tell me it's the black light.

Nope.

Surprise.

Hello... new friends,
now it's time to...

party! (laughing)

Peeka-peeka...
* Party!

Be the party, beep, beep!

Be the party!
Boop, boop-ba-doop.

* Group at the crib
and the grooves in the monkey *

* Packed up my trunks
and my drawers say funky... *

Ramona, do you know that, uh,

Kelly also used to play
volleyball in high school?

Yeah, she actually does
know that because I told her

when she was
pretending to be my friend,

so she could
sabotage your business.

Remember that?
That was fun.

Grudges give you wrinkles,
Kelly.

(nervous laugh)
Okay.

Oh, look, it's Barry and Neal,

I'm going to g... you, uh,

you guys keeps talking.

Hey, birthday boy.
Hey, hey, hey.

Guys, I can't spend
the next five hours

with Kelly pretending
she's not mad at me.

This birthday is turning out to
be worse than my Ebola scare.

But they made you live in a box
and they gave you all new blood.

(giggles)
All because they switched

your test results
with that other guy.

Poor Cooper Bartlett.

(stomach gurgling)

Speaking of vomiting
uncontrollably,

I don't feel so good.

The only thing I had was
Neal's homemade sushi.

Which I prepared with
the highest quality fish

and stored at the perfect
temperature 6 1/2 weeks ago.

BARRY:
Six and... oh, my God.

(gagging)

Did anyone else
have Neal's sushi?

Thanks, guys.

Stop the bus!

(brakes screech)

MAN:
Oh, my God! Oh! (groaning)

BARRY:
Get the hell out of my face!

NEAL: Oh, what's the
Japanese word for barf?

(partiers coughing,
gagging, vomiting)

There's one thing missing.

(retching):
There it is.

And for the record,
if we had a second child,

that's 18 more years of
being denied the pleasures

of awesome stuff
like party buses.

Yeah, my mind goes more towards

years of
priceless family memories,

but your mobile bus thing
is important, too.

Why you only make one child?

Do you have the broken penis?

No, my penis is fine.

I'm just not convinced that
I need a second child.

But every child needs
another to play with

and to blame for stealing
the neighbor's cat

for the practice kissing.

It's very sad
to grow up alone.

That is so true;
that is so true.

Hey, check it out, Arvid--
moon roof.

Told you we should
have made cupcakes.

Ah, I knew the tuna from
the mini mart wasn't fresh.

Hey, would you get your
ass back on the bus?

You're ruining your
birthday for me.

Can you just admit you're mad
so we can move on?

Fine. I'm mad, okay?

The only thing
worse than Ramona

is you being with Ramona.

Look, she just happened
to kiss me at a moment

where I was feeling
bad about myself

and I went with it, all right?

It-it was a mistake.

I could not be less
into Ramona.

BUS DRIVER:
Everyone back on?

Yep, that's everyone.

But damn, that sushi
was delicious.

Agreed, I would not
change a thing.

COOPER:
Where are they going?
KELLY: Hey!

Come back!

KELLY:
Wait! Wait!

No!

Anyone got anything remotely
resembling a bar, yet?
No.

This is the last time
I let a cute girl

from a phone commercial
seduce me.

I say we keep walking
until a car comes by.

We've been doing that
for 45 minutes.

We need a new plan.

Okay, I saw we
stay here,

start a whole new society

governed on
the laws of nature.

Also, there's a Thunderdome.

Or, we take this path

that leads to town that can't
be more than like a mile away.

That sounds sketchy.

I-I saw we stay and wait

for a car to come by.
I like Kelly's plan.

Did anybody hear what I said
about the Thunderdome?

Let's go.

Seriously, guys?
Cooper, it could be hours

before another car comes.

(bird calling in distance)

Damn it.

You really think Holden
is pretentious?

Oh, yeah, it's like,

"Look, everybody, I read book."

Get over yourself.

He's so right.
No, he's not.

We're not having another kid.

Yeah, because you have
the broken penis.

Yes, Arvid,
because I have a broken penis.

How did you break it?

Did you guys hear that?

What direction
did we come from?

What kind of idiot builds
a path that doesn't go anywhere?

It goes to the highway.

COOPER:
We're the idiots.

This is like Naked and Afraid
but without the nudity,

and way more fear.

This is "Afraid and Afraid."

Okay, let's just keep going
this way, this feels right.

COOPER: I feel like you're
still upset with me.

KELLY: What on earth would
give you that idea?

Kelly, can I ask
you something?

Would you be this upset
if I was just making out

with some random girl
instead of Ramona?

What are you getting at, Cooper?

You're not mad
'cause I was with Ramona.

You're mad 'cause I was
with someone who wasn't you.

Admit it, you got
a bad case of the Coopers.

Guys...
Are you...
are you kidding me?

Yep, definitely got
a bad case of the Coopers.

KELLY: Hello.

You freaked out when I saw you
with Ramona because you

were worried that that would
ruin your chances with me.

(Cooper scoffs)
I think you like me.

BARRY:
She's right, man.

You got Kell-orrea.
Guys, shut up.

Barry, mine sounds gross.

NEAL:
Please shut up.

I mean, could it
not be Kelly-itis?

Shut up!
BARRY: What?

(growling)

Josh, you have to admit
Arvid has a point.

Gracie needs someone
to grow up with.

You're taking advice from
a random Swedish guy

who admitted to
Frenching his cat.

Okay, he's a little eccentric.

A little?
Yes.

But he is wiser than
you give him credit for.

Yeah.
(rattling)

(startled gasp)

ARVID: Oh...

Oh, whatcha got
there, Arvid?

Is that some kind
of Swedish candy?

No, it's the crystal meth.

Please, take.

Take.
Oh, no.

I'm good. Thank you. No.

Okay, he's not so wise, Josh,
do something, do something.

Do not smoke that meth
in this minivan, Arvid.

Arvid? I will pull
this car over.

Arvid, no!
Arvid, put that down!

JOSH:
Put that meth down, Arvid!
Josh!

I don't want that
meth smell in my car!
Josh, pull over!

(bear growls)
Guys, if I don't
make it out of here,

there's a folder
on my desktop marked "Yolo."

Whatever you do,
do not let my mom open it.

It's going to eat Neal,
what do we do?

BARRY:
He's not going to eat Neal.

I saw this on TV.

If he's black, attack.
If it's brown, lay down.

Okay, it looks
really brown to me.

BARRY:
No, it... that is black.

Watch this.

KELLY:
Barry!

Hey!

(yelling)

(bear growls)

It's brown.
It's definitely brown.

I told you!

(screaming)

BARRY: Jump!
(yells)

(both yelling)

(growling)

(all gasping, screaming)

(gunshot)
(all yell)

(bear growling)

Why don't you
come on inside?

He won't be back for a while.

W-We can't thank you enough.

Yeah, you're a
lifesaver, literally.

Trust me, I know what
it feels like to be on the run.

You got trouble
on your heels,

the past is catching
up with you,

you're just looking
for a place to start over.

Or just hide.

Yeah.
That's relatable.
Sure.

What did you say
your name was, again?
Doesn't matter.

(owl hooting in distance)

Uh, we're going to need
another can of beans.

Take over the stirring,
would you?

Excuse me.

Ladies.

(door opens, shuts)

I'm starting to get
a weird feeling about this guy.

I know! Another can of beans?

The bean-to-meat ratio in
this chili is already insane.

Uh, Cooper, that guy is not
in any of these pictures.

KELLY:
So maybe he took them.

Come on, guys, you're being
suspicious for no reason.

I gotta pee.

(door creaks)

Well, there's a reason.
(Neal gasps)

He's one of the robbers
that got away.

Let's get the hell up
out of here.

Where's the exit?

I don't think that's
such a good idea.

Ma'am, sit down.

I'm actually a guy.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm calling it.
It's official.

Worst birthday ever.

Please, just let us go, okay?
We didn't see anything, so...

No, nothing.

No guns.

No baby mask.
I didn't see nothing.

I'm legally blind.
These glasses are fake.

(laughing)

You boys are fun.

But I can't let you go.

(clang)
(guys screaming)

(thud)

Whoa, Kel, nice job!
He's out cold!

(giggles) Thanks.
Yeah, it's mostly muscle memory.

We do a similar thing
in Crossfit.

Oh...
Hey.
All right, let's go.

Hey, wait, I think we're
missing an opportunity here.

Come on, man.

We all want to put
his hand in warm water

to see if he pees himself,

and then take a
humiliating selfie,

okay?
But this is not the time,

nor the place.

No, there's a reward out
for the escaped members

of the Baby Face gang.

We can't. He could
wake up any minute.

Yeah, let's go.
There's a truck outside.

NEAL:
All right, fine.

This guy is worth $50,000.

Josh, meet us at the
Big Bear sheriff's station.

Just do it.

I think I finally found
a way to salvage this birthday.

Let's go.

So creepy.

KELLY:
Did anyone bring the chili?

Hello, Officer.

I'm Cooper Barrett,
and I'm about to make

you and me very famous.
I can't wait.

Our sources confirm that this is
the last of the escaped robbers

picked up by police
outside of Pasadena.

In case you're just joining us,

all of the Baby Face gang
have been apprehended

and are in police custody.

Oh, no.

Abort, abort, abort, abort!

That's not the guy.
What?

Are you telling me we
kidnapped an innocent man?

Yeah, and assaulted him
with a frying pan.

And taped his mouth and tied
him up and stole his truck.

Abort, abort.

(others agreeing)

Are they carrying
a dead body?

I missed
everything today.

Is this okay
to leave him like this?

Uh, I'm kind
of unclear on proper

hostage release etiquette,

but this seems pretty solid.

All right.
Yeah.

It's great.
Okay.

It's cold. I'm sorry.

You have
a lovely cabin.
All right, baby.

ALL:
Happy birthday, Cooper!

(all cheering)

Aw, look at your baby brother.

And I'm not using the word
baby to pressure you,

because I'm done
with that topic.

I was just thinking
about how much better

my life is because of him.

It kind of bums me out that
Gracie doesn't have that.

What are you saying?

Maybe it's time that
we reexamined the topic.

Aw, baby.
On one condition...

You can keep the
black light in the minivan.

Actually, I was going
to ask for the stripper pole.

You know, the candle
wax actually makes
it more palatable.

You know, I, uh,
I just wanted to...

Hi, Cooper. Kelly.

You missed an amazing
Boys II Men show.

They did six encores.

And it was basically the coolest
thing that's ever happened.

Oh, really? Because we were
chased by a bear, so...

Wow.

Uh, Cooper, can I talk
to you for a second?

Sure, yeah.

* I'll make love to you,
like you... *

(Barry laughing)

BARRY: Right here's
the real thing...

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Candle cheese.

So what have we learned?

Boys II Men still tours;

double-check before
you turn in a fugitive,

and never ever
go into the woods.

Hey.

Hey.

You got out
of there pretty fast.

What did you talk
to Ramona about?

You don't have to tell me.

Nah, that's okay.

Uh, she told me
that her feelings for me

went beyond just
professional, and I

I told her that we shouldn't
work together anymore.

Really?

That is so awesome.
It's not that awesome.

It's going to cost me like
15 grand to get out of the deal.

It's still pretty awesome.

Okay, well, good night.

Night.

Most importantly,

don't let a birthday curse
get you down,

'cause sometimes you got
to get through a bad day

to get to something good.

Hey, Cooper.

Yeah?

Um, what you said,
i-in the woods,

about me and, uh...

well, you were
right about that.

So were you.

You know, I, um, I do have

Kell-orrea.

*

Do it!
All right, all right.

I'm trying, I'm trying,
I'm trying.

This is the best birthday ever.

Don't be weird.

(muffled):
* I'll make love to you

* Like you want me to

* And I'll hold you tight...

(crying)

Yeah.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH