All language subtitles for mom s08e16.Scooby-Doo Checks and Salisbury Steak.eng

Why don't you want to kiss
me? I'm kissable, damn it!

Are you even listening to me?

Yes, I just find these tea bags

need to be coaxed in
order to steep properly.

Can we get back to the fact

that my husband never
wants to kiss me again?

Is there a chance

you're exaggerating the situation?

None. Shall I relive
the horror all over again

now that your orange
pekoe's squared away?

Yeah, sure, relive.

Ah, I can't wait to see
what you think of my sauce.

I went for sweet with
a little bit of heat.

And you're sure the
ribs are cooked enough?

I know they were only
on there for 12 hours.

It was six.

- You might need to squeeze harder.
- Oh!

(laughing): Not that hard.

- So this is my fault?
- Well...

the goal was to squeeze some sauce

out of the opening, not a child.

What does this have to do with kissing,

you should be asking.

(slurping)

Mmm.

Oh, I see what happened.

A little chunk of onion
got stuck in the nozzle.

Well, what the hell's
an onion doing in there?

It's developing the depth of flavor.

And ruining our breath. It's
date night. So much for kissing.

(grunts)

What's that supposed to mean?

Eh. Kissing. It's overrated.

Excuse me?

It's like salad.

I mean, you're happy
to eat it but you really

just want to get to the main course.

Oh, so what are we
doing for foreplay now?

"Grab the sink, I'm coming in"?

I did not promise to
love, honor, cherish

and never kiss again.

That's nice.

I've also decided to go back
to being a hopeless drunk.

Good for you.

Maybe even take up heroin.

Sounds like a plan.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --

Mm-hmm.

All right, what's up with you?

You're totally distracted.

- You haven't taken a single note.
- Yes, I have.

Hey, no...

You have two squiggles and a blob.

The two squiggles are you and Adam.

And the blob is...

your inner child.

Okay. I apologize, you
have my undivided attention.

Sure, when we're almost done
and I have to leave early

for Tammy's sober birthday.

Okay, off you go. See you next week.

That's it? No tools to
help me deal with the fact

that Adam thinks kissing is overrated?

- He does?
- Aah!

You're not getting paid today.

Hold everything. What's that
ceramic wizard doing here?

Casting a positive spell
on your mental health.

Sandra took that during
the divorce, and I remember

because I was relieved.

I didn't like the way
it used to stare at me

during our sessions.

You know, wizards can
see through clothes.

How about that?

All right, tell Tammy congratulations

on her sobriety and drive safely.

You know, if my kiss-less
marriage crumbles into the sea

between now and next week, it's on you.

Okay.

Don't listen to her.

I just need to get into
my safe deposit box.

It's my friend's sober birthday.

So I'm gonna give her
my little diamond pin.

Oh, lucky friend.

Yeah, well, her dad killed her mom

and she robbed a steakhouse
and spent seven years in prison,

so, you know, good days, bad days.

Okay, I'll go get the key.

Be right back.

- Hey, you.
- Hey! Hey, Jill.

Didn't expect to run into you here.

Hmm, looks like you didn't
expect to run into anybody.

Oh!

Yeah, these mighty calves

are trapped in the prison
of long pants all week.

I like to turn 'em loose on my day off.

I see. And your feet?

Hey, it's everyone's day off.

(laughs) I'm just
teasing, you look good.

Now go get on that tram
and enjoy the Magic Kingdom.

(laughing)

- You done?
- For now.

So what are you doing here?

I was just picking
out a new check design.

Looks like the Raiders
are staying in Vegas.

Looks like you're going to Vegas.

- (both laughing)
- I'm done now.

Do those shoes taste
like circus peanuts?

(laughs) I'm sorry. Done now.

Did you see the wizard?

You know, you have never
actually spoken to me before,

and I would not have predicted
those would be your first words.

But while you're in a chatty mood,

why does the wizard bother you, too?

Are you gonna put a curse on me
and you need to touch me to do it?

The ex-wife.

(gasps) She's back?

(clucking tongue)

Hey, while I have you here,

what do you think about
me and Scooby-Doo checks?

Cool that I like to solve mysteries

or creepy older guy with a van?

I think you just answered
your own question.

Okay, what-what about Snoopy,

but as the Red Baron,

not just laying on a house.

Uh, we're ready for you, Ms. Kendall.

Okay.

Well, it was fun running into you.

Enjoy the rest of your day off.

- MAN: Everyone, get on the floor!
- MAN 2: Get down and stay down!

- Hit the dirt!
- What?

- Get down.
- Oh!

Is this really happening?

Yes, it's really happening,
just-just stay down.

Did you bring your gun?

No, I'm off duty. Did you bring yours?

Yeah, Andy, I always bring

- my gun to the bank.
- Okay...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm-I'm nervous.

You know, I haven't seen you in a while.

I'm wearing shorts and now this.

MAN: Hello and welcome to
the Tuesday speaker meeting...

Where are they?

Honey, they'll be here.
They're not gonna miss

giving you a cake for
your sober birthday.

But the meeting's starting... Wendy,

stall 'em... you know
what a heart attack

looks like. Fake one.

If I did it realistically,
no one would notice.

They're silent killers.

You know, I didn't even
want to take a cake.

Oh, come on, it's nice to acknowledge

how much time you've
got for the newcomers.

Three years is a big deal.

Nobody takes a cake in prison.

They're considered weak, like books

or conjugal visits.

Bonnie pushed me into this.

Now I have to do it without her?

Well, Marjorie and I are still here.

What about a stroke? Those are messy.

Not always.

You know, you brag all the
time about being a nurse,

but when the chips are
down, where are you?

(door opens)

Aha!

Lean Cuisine!

Oh, my God, we're not done?

A voice in my head said

something wasn't right about you.

The wizard's back,
you're counting calories,

and Marta explicitly said
Sandra was sniffing around.

You add those clues up, I
think Sandra's sniffing around.

That was one of the clues.

So you're saying I'm right.

No, I'm saying it's
none of your business.

Okay, switch seats, we need to talk.

- I'm not...
- Sit!

Look, Bonnie, I am your therapist.

I'm not gonna talk to you
about my personal life.

I'm the therapist. I'm
in the therapist chair.

The chair really has
nothing to do with it.

Yes, it does... It's
about who's in the chair

and who's acting crazy,
and I'm in the chair

and you're acting crazy.

What am I doing that's so crazy?

You're letting the woman who
ruined your life back into it.

We're just having dinner tonight.

And six months from now, you'll
be back in that corner crying,

and I'll be the one
helping you blow your nose.

Now, you may want to
go through that again,

but I do not.

What are they doing over there?

They're clearing out the cash drawers.

Hopefully one of the tellers
triggered the silent alarm.

Well, how much longer do
you think they'll take?

You want me to ask
them to move it along?

It's just, you see this
in the movies all the time,

but in real life it goes a lot slower.

Yeah, well, we're in Napa.
Everything's slower.

You know, if they decide
to go out the back exit,

they're gonna come right through here.

I don't want you to
end up being a hostage.

Well, thanks for putting
that idea in my head.

- Shh!
- See? I won't make a

- good hostage, I'm mouthy.
- Jill.

I'm serious. I'll complain
about the food too much.

No, I got this.

Oh, God, what are you doing?

I'm shielding you with my body.

(long exhale) That's very sweet, but...

- you're squishing me.
- Oh, sorry, sorry.

(heavy breathing)

(shushing)

MAN: Hey! I said stay down!

Was he just yelling at you?

He's right, I peeked.

I'm sorry, I've just never been

in this situation before.
You're the professional.

It's okay, the important
thing is to just stay calm.

Okay, you know I don't do that well.

Well, just, you know what?

Focus on your breathing,
okay? Look-look into my eyes.

(breathing in unison)

I'm sorry, I'm sweaty.

Did you work out?

No, we're being robbed by men with guns.

Damn it, there goes my breathing!

Okay, you got to do something
to help me keep my mind off

what's really going on.

O-Okay, okay, uh, let's see,
what's been going on with me?

Oh, I had my fantasy baseball
draft about a week ago.

I waited too long on
a catcher so I ended up

with the White Sox backup.

That's not gonna go well.

Also, um...

I've been thinking
about you a lot lately.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What exactly were you thinking?

That-that maybe I made a mistake.

That maybe I was... crazy to let you go.

Well, I thought so.

Yeah, I definitely made a mistake.

You're making another
one now by talking.

(laughs softly)

MAN: Let's get moving!

Okay, they're gone. We can get up now.

Why would you let a woman who called you

a toxic narcissist back into your life?

I don't think you get
her sense of humor.

She's called me many
things, but she's changed.

Has she, or did she find life

without a doormat
husband more challenging?

Wow, you really don't like her.

That's because I'm Team Doormat.

Okay, you know, that's
hurtful stuff, too.

Was it as hurtful as when she
cleaned you out in the divorce

and moved to Oregon to
start her soy milk empire?

How could she have known
there was a cold wind blowing

and its name was oat milk?

- It's so good.
- It really... it-it's so foamy.

Soy, oat, it's... It
doesn't make a woman change.

- But she has changed.
- How?

So many ways.

I also realized I was
doing something wrong, too.

Stick to her.

Well, she's taken up cycling.

Oh, my God, and here I am
standing in the way of love.

Go to her, Trevor.
Buy matching spandex shorts

and cycle off into the sunset.

You know, that sarcasm isn't exactly

right out of the therapy handbook.

Oh, you want the handbook?
Why are you lying to yourself?

Bonnie, this is somebody I once loved.

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt

that it's gonna be different this time.

I think you're going
back to what's familiar

because you're scared of
being alone and you think

you're never gonna meet
anyone else ever again.

May I please eat my
Salisbury steak in peace?

♪ Happy birthday, dear Tammy ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Keep coming back. ♪

(applause)

Oh, thanks. Uh, hi. Tammy, alcoholic.

- ALL: Hi, Tammy.
- Uh, you know, thanks to

everyone who actually did
show up for my birthday.

It's my first time taking a cake.

It's not even real, and I
prefer pie, but thank you.

The only reason I'm doing it
today is because it's important

to someone who couldn't
even be bothered to be here.

(laughs) I mean, you feel me, Jim.

You're always saving a seat
for someone who doesn't show.

You know, one of the things that AA

has taught me is, you
show up for people.

If you say you're gonna
be somewhere, you're there.

(phone chimes)

Oh, look who's texting me.

We're supposed to turn our phones off.

I just want to sit.

So, Bonnie said she's gonna be late,

and we all know what that means.

(laughs)

Hang on, I'm texting her back.

Well, I'm not even getting the
three dots. That's real nice.

(chuckles) Anyway, you know,
I'm not here to complain.

I'm here to celebrate the
fact that I have three years

of sobriety, which is
pretty freakin' awesome.

(chuckles) Oh, hang on, three dots.

Nope.

Bottom line is, I'm really
grateful to be sober.

- Thanks a lot.
- (applause)

Uh... I don't know anything about
the road that led you to Sandra.

Tell me about that.

Not much of a road.

More of a driveway, really.

Uphill, had a basketball
hoop, need to shovel the snow?

What-what does that mean?

It means Sandra was the
first relationship I ever had.

Ever?

Well, there was somebody in high school,

but that was more of a
friendship with a girl

that I liked who didn't notice me.

So you had one unrequited
crush, then a wife,

and yet you're guiding me through life.

Yes, and I meant to tell
you, I'm raising my rate.

- So, this crush, you ever ask her out?
- Oh, God, no.

But once, I gave a report on Alaska

and I said that I'd like
to someday kayak the fjords,

and she said, "Wow, pretty cool."

- What ever happened to her?
- I don't know.

Oh, come on, you got divorced.
You never looked her up?

She sells real estate in Mendocino.

Has a pet turtle.

You've been lonely for a whole
year and you didn't call her?

You can't just pick up
the phone and call somebody

you haven't talked
to in that many years.

Yes, you can. You pick up the phone,

you dial the sequence of
numbers, they say, "Hello,"

you say, "Hi, it's
Trevor, the guy you caught

staring at you all through high school."

- And then she hangs up.
- Or...

she's been waiting for
your call for 30 years.

You think?

No, probably not.

But there is a good chance

she won't call you a toxic narcissist.

And I'm not leaving till you do it.

And you know I'm stubborn,

'cause you gave me a book
about it, which I never read.

And you can't make me.

(exhales) Thanks for giving me a ride.

My hands are still shaking.

Oh, yeah, that was a pretty good kiss.

So...

was what you said in there
just adrenaline talking

or did you really mean it?

Because... I don't want to
go down that road again

if-if it's not real.

Look, I've b... I've been thinking a lot

about our relationship, and, um...

I was just scared.

Not "bank robbery with guns" scared.

"Getting married and
having kids" scared,

which is... way worse.

But... you're not scared anymore?

Oh, are you kidding? I'm terrified.

But I-I realized in that bank that...

I'd die for you.

So, yeah, let's do this.

- (both laugh softly)
- I'm in.

So, where are you taking me, anyway?

I actually have no idea.

I can't drive and be emotionally
honest at the same time.

(laughs)

Well, how about we just
pull over and kiss some more?

That's a solid idea.

- I do like kissing.
- (laughs)

Me, too.

- Well, pull over.
- Oh, right, right.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

(quietly): She's divorced and miserable.

Yes.

Well, if you ever need
someone to talk to...

No.

You want a new girlfriend,
not a new patient.

I mean, not as a therapist,
I mean as a friend.

M-More than a friend.
I mean, start as friends

and see what happens.

If it happens, it happens.
You know, boy-girl stuff. Uh...

Hey, pull it together
or the wizard dies.

How about dinner?

With wine? Like a date.

Uh, lunch with wine could work. Sure.

Sometimes I have eggs for lunch.

Uh, like a frittata.

I don't know why I'm
telling you this. Uh...

Let's do Saturday.

Sounds great. I'll call you.

(laughs, whoops)

Yeah! That's how it's done.

- No, it's not, but it worked.
- Wait.

Hand me that wizard.

(shouts)

(shatters)

Now you are free.

(wind whooshing)

I mean, it was eerie.

Like a Stephen King level of eerie.

Trevor smashed the wizard,
it got ten degrees colder,

and then Marta turned
into a crow and flew away.

Seriously?

I didn't see it, but I
went inside to get my keys

and when I came back out,
there was just a bird.

I'm sorry, who's Marta?

Exactly.

All right, look, since it
seems you saved Trevor's life,

you're forgiven for missing my birthday.

You're not gonna believe
what happened to me.

Just know you're gonna
have to top a human

who turned into a crow.

Andy and I were in a bank robbery.

He saved my life and
we're in love again.

They're really different stories,

but I think Jill wins.

Uh, so Trevor's taking a
three-month leave of absence?

Yeah. He went to lunch
with his high school crush,

and now they're going
to kayak the fjords.

So...

the guy who grounds you e-emotionally

twice a week is gone
for th-three months?

He said I'd be okay without him.
What do you think about that?

I'm thinking you could
still Zoom with him

if there's an emergency, right?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

And I apologize in
advance for the bad choices

I might make during this period.

- Apology accepted.
- (both chuckle)

Ha. You don't mean that.

Still not buying it.

- Okay, that one counted.
- (clears throat)

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --