All language subtitles for hgfmhfmgf

He's going in.

Ah, Inspector!

Uh... Chief Inspector.

Chief Inspector.
Hail to the chief!

Come right in.

Good to see you. Your disguise
is ready for the final fitting.

- I'm sure you will be pleased.
- Good, good.

- Inspector Clouseau is here!
- Chief, uh, Chief Inspector Clouseau.

Chief!

Yes. Listen, I saw some
very interesting noses there.

Oh, those noses over there?
They are for the amateurs.

- I have some in my private stock.
- Oh, wonderful.

Yes! You always did have
a nose for noses.

Yes. I'm sorry, but our
Valentine's Day stock isn't ready yet,

- but we have some beauties here for you.
- Yes? Yes?

Alright, let's try this one first.
Ah, here's a marvelous one.

Inspector?

- Alright. Shall we just get that on there? Hmm?
- Yeah.

- What do you think of that? Yes.
- Now, wait, wait.

I call this one
"The Way We Were".

Yes, do you like it?
It's from our Streisand line.

- Do you like it?
- Mm...

No, I don't like it either.
Sorry, I almost took your nose with that.

Just a moment. Let's try this--
What are you doing?

Now, come over here.
Let's try this one now, Inspector.

I think you will
like this one very much.

It's very suitable for your face.
It fits in with your lines.

What do you think of that?
Mmm?

We call this one
"Wino and Roses".

- Yes, you notice--
- Why is it--

The veins are quite lifelike.
Don't you agree?

I am particularly proud of
the enlarged pores.

Look at this one right here.
Huh?

I wasn't crazy about it either.
Alright, we'll try something else.

- Something, uh... something missing there.
- Something's missing? Alright.

- How about that?
- You know what I mean?

- Is that supposed to...
- Does that work for you?

- Oh, that's very nice, isn't it?
- That is a nose, Auguste.

- That is a nose.
- You have a nose for noses.

I always can tell
immediately I see the nose.

- We call this one our "Inky Dinky Doo".
- "Inky Dinky Doo"?

- It's from our "Inky Dinky Doo" line.
- What do you have to go with this?

This will keep you very warm, too.
This has a nice effect with that nose.

- That is too legal. Yes.
- Too legal?

I want something that is
sort of, um... how can I say?

Leave it to Dr. Balls.

Auguste! Auguste!
Look what you have done.

- You like it?
- You're a genius.

- Wait. Some-- something-- something is missing.
- What? What?

Yes. I know what's missing.
Here are some teeth... on the house.

Let me see how they look.

- Perfect! Perfect!
- Look at this.

You are a genius at your art.
My dear boy.

He's still inside.

What do you want
us to do when he comes out?

Follow him.

Martha! Come down and wrap
the chief inspector's purchase, please.

I've recently been doing
something very daring in a stump.

Arm and leg.
Only 900 francs for the complete kit.

Yes. Yes. It has been my
experience, Auguste, that,

in an emergency, a stump
can get in the way, you know.

Alright, alright. Ah, Martha, you remember
Chief Inspector Clouseau?

I never set eyes on
zis gentleman before.

Good evening, Martha.

I cannot believe my eyes!

That is because your husband
is a genius, madame. A genius!

Wrap these up, if you would, please.
And I want that nose to go with it.

- Impossible.
- Oh, money is no object.

That is absolutely the ugliest nose
I have ever seen in my life.

It is so revolting.
It is a masterpiece.

It is also Martha's own nose.

My compliments, madame.
It suits you.

Thank you, Chief Inspector.

Thank you!

I will get your bill.

My God, Auguste,
what have you done?

The left heel, cleverly built up,
which gives added height and authority.

Ja? But the real secret
is in the right heel.

The lifelike club-foot look
is caused by a built-in spring

which digs into the ankle,
causing excruciating pain.

- Very realistic, don't you think?
- Remarkable. How soon can I have a pair?

I can have them ready for you
by Wednesday.

Again, Auguste, my sincere thanks.
And to you, madame.

Do you like the hand?
I'll pack them up with the shoes.

Oh, don't worry,
we're having a hand sale.

It will come in handy for scratching,
in case you have any hand jobs.

- We will see you soon, Inspector.
- Chief Inspector.

Chief inspector! Goodbye.
We'll see you soon. Goodbye.

Oh, my God!

I've never...
I can't stand!

I've never been in such pain!

Shall I kiss it
and make it better?

It's not that bad.

And, so, for the third time
in the memory of modern man,

the world's largest cut diamond, the
famous Pink Panther, has been stolen.

Since the reign of
Akbar the Magnificent

in the early 12th century,
until the recent bloodless coup

of the former Colonel,
now President, Sandover Haleesh,

the Pink Panther has been the
symbol of continuity of the Kurfilli,

the ruling family of the tiny
Middle East nation of Lugash.

Princess Dala

- Yes?
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

Send him right in.

...the current military regime

who have kept the gem
under the tightest security--

I came as soon as I
got your message, Commissioner.

- I commend your promptness.
- Thank you.

- You have heard of the theft in Lugash?
- The Pink Panther?

Yes, of course.
It is in all the papers.

Soon, I imagine, they will be
sending us a request

for assistance in
catching the criminals.

I have, as a matter of fact,
already received such a request

from the president
of Lugash personally.

I see. How many men
did the president ask for?

Only one.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

Clouseau?

- See that he's on the next plane.
- Of course.

But, um... Commissioner.

Don't you think that someone more...
conventional would, uh...

Not to take anything away from
Clouseau, you understand, but, uh,

in view of the tense
situation in the Middle East...

I am aware of the tense situation
between you and Clouseau.

However, Lugash has requested
Clouseau, and Clouseau they will have.

Your finger is in my ink.

Hmm!

Mm-hmm.

Merde!

Ow!

What's he doing in there?

Ah! Hello!

Nice weather we're having.

I had hoped
we'd finally laid to rest

your obsession with
Inspector Clouseau.

So had I, Doctor. So had I.

And something has happened
to bring on this relapse?

No, not something.

Someone. The one.

No. No, perhaps you're right.

Something. He is a thing.

- Clouseau?
- Yes! Clouseau!

And your compulsion
to kill Clouseau,

is it also back?

Oh, yes. Right back.

The thought of a world without
Clouseau fills me with delight.

Like a-- like a summer
with a thousand Julys.

It intoxicates
my soul with, with, uh...

- Your eyes.
- What?

"Intoxicates my soul
with your eyes."

You've just lapsed into the lyrics
of "You Go to My Head".

- I did? I apologize.
- Never apologize for Cole Porter.

Besides, your subconscious has just
confirmed what we already know.

- That Clouseau has got into my head.
- Precisely.

Now, how do you suppose
you are going to get him out of there?

I don't know. I don't suppose.

You are supposed to suppose
and give me all the answers.

Look, the commissioner wants him in Lugash.
Well, let the commissioner handle it!

I don't want to know.
I don't want to be there.

I want to be here with you.

What are you thinking, Doctor?

It wasn't Cole Porter.

It was Gillespie and Coots.

- Yes?
- The deputy commissioner to see you.

The commissioner?
Send him in immediately.

Come in, Commissioner.

I want to discuss
the Pink Panther robbery.

I am at your service, Commissioner.
Allow me to offer you a small cigar.

Swine cigars. Pay no attention
to them whatsoever. Let them just roll.

Read this most carefully
and give me your opinion.

I will read my opinion
and give you yours most carefully.

Yes.

- Do you have a light?
- Yes, in the top left-hand drawer.

Aagh!

Agh!

Agh!

Agh!

Agh!

I'm dancing in the rice

♪ Just dancing in the rice ♪

♪ What a wonderful feeling ♪

♪ I'm... happy in the rice ♪

♪ Always happy... ♪

Oh, allow me.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

Clouseau just called. He wants
me to take him to the airport.

Well, then take him.

Let the president of Lugash worry
about his blood pressure for a while.

- He's not going to Lugash.
- What?

- He's booked on the 12:15 flight to London.
- To London?

He suspects the Phantom to be
responsible for the robbery.

And he said that since
Sir Charles lives in England...

- Sir Charles Litton lives in the South of France.
- Well, yes, sir. Shall I tell him?

Don't bother.
He would just say "I know that."

Trying to talk sense to Clouseau

is like... like Einstein trying
to explain relativity to a "minkey".

Does Sir Charles
know you're coming?

No, I want it to
remain a surprise.

- Merde.
- What's wrong?

Your pop-out lighter
is refusing to pop out.

Huh. It's supposed to pop out automatically
when it reaches a specific temperature.

And what exactly is
this specific temperature?

I don't know.

Well, you should have checked with the factory.
Because it is obvious that this pop-out lighter

has reached its specific pop-out
temperature and is refusing to pop out.

The first rule for the car-owner:
know your automobile.

- But it is your automobile.
- I know that!

But it is not my
pop-out lighter.

If it were my pop-out lighter, I would
know the specific pop-out temperature.

Clouseau was trying to
fix the lighter.

He is sure that someone
planted a bomb in the car.

Yes. Someone should have...
I mean, could have done that.

He wired Scotland Yard
and said he was arriving in disguise.

Disguise?

What kind of disguise?
Disguised as what?

He didn't say.

How are we gonna tell
how to look for him?

Grazie.

Ladies and gentlemen,
This is your captain speaking.

Please return to your seat
and fasten your seat belt

as there is turbulence ahead.
Thank you.

Whoa!

- Morning, sir. Good trip?
- Oh, yes, yes. Thank you, thank you.

- Morning, madam.
- Hey!

- Can I help you?
- Thank you.

Idiot!

Inspector Clouseau.
I'm Drummond from Scotland Yard.

I am André Botot,
mustard salesman from Dijon.

Oh...

- Can I give you a lift, Monsieur Botot?
- That would be very kind of you, Mr Yard.

- Drummond.
- Yes. How is Scotland these days?

- Pardon?
- Scotland.

I've some relations
who are from Scotland.

My grandmother on my father's side.
I'm quite fluent in the Gaelic, you know.

Rrrrrrrrrr.

It is the night of braw bricht moons
on the night of gladess.

Yes.

Inspector McClaren,
this is Monsieur Botot...

From Dijon. How do you do?
I was just telling Sergeant Yard

about my father-in-law's sister
on my sergeant's side, you know.

Oh, yes.

Go round the back.

Ah...

At last. My own house.
My own swimming pool.

My own 38-23-38.

- Telegram.
- Read it to me.

"Dear Chief Commissioner.
Happy birthday."

"Hope you enjoy the
3,000 pounds of Jell-O."

3,000 pounds of Jell-O?

There must be some mistake.

Where would I put
3,000 pounds of Jell-O?

Besides, only Clouseau
would be stupid enough

to send me
3,000 pounds of Jell-O.

Argh!

Hello, yes?

- Argh!
- Hello.

This is Inspector Drummond
of Scotland Yard.

I know it's late.
I hope I didn't wake you up.

No, no, it's quite all right.
As a matter of fact, you did me a favor.

Who is it?

- What can I do for you, Inspector?
- Well, it's about Inspector Clouseau.

MI5 called and reported
that Libyan agents heard a rumor

that there might be an assassination
attempt against Clouseau.

Really? Who else
wants to kill him?

I mean, who is behind it?

We don't know. But it comes
from a reliable source.

Now, we've told Clouseau
but he just laughed and said

"The moving fingair writes."

"Fingair." Mm.

When it's Clouseau,
he could mean anything.

- Do you know what time it is?
- Will you shut up?!

No, not you.
Tell me, where is he now?

At his hotel. Now, I think you should
call him and order him back to Paris.

Until we verify this rumor
one way or another,

under no circumstances
allow him to go to Lugash.

- Yes?
- Do you have for me the "massage"?

Oh.

- You want a massage, eh?
- If you have one for me, yes.

Why don't you try Tokyo Lil
at the end of the block?

Ask for Passionflower Shirley,
the Yokohama Butterfly.

- And why should I do that?
- Well, you want a massage, don't you?

Yes, but I want it from you.

Sir, I don't give massages.

- But you gave me one early this morning.
- Sir, you're mistaken.

Look. Don't you try the tricks
anglais with me, monsieur.

I received a "massage" this morning from
Inspector Quinlan of the Yard of Scotland.

- The massage!
- And it was you that gave it to me.

- Message. You mean message.
- What? Look, I know what I mean, you lunatic.

Now, do you or do you not
have for me the "massage"?

No, sir. For you,
there is no massage.

- Grouse-Moor Hotel. Reading?
- Inspector Clouseau.

Oh.

He just went up to his room.
I'll ring.

Thank you.

Yes. This is Chief Inspector Clouseau.

Turn your bed down, sir.

- Agh!
- Inspector Clouseau?

Clouseau? Where are you?
Can you hear me?

Clouseau!

Yes? You were saying?

Agh!

Aagh!

Idiot!
Can you hear me?

Where are you?
Clouseau?

Clouseau?

Clouseau?

Now then.
What was that you were saying?

Aaagh!

Your massage!

Your phone.

To the airport, my good man,
and drive like the wind.

Right, sir.

I knew that. I knew that.

I've got a headache and I don't want
to hear another word about it.

Then, don't involve yourself!
Every time you get mixed up with Clouseau...

- That's enough!
- What do you think you're doing?

- What does it look like I'm doing?
- You can't!

I'm doing the same thing I've been
doing every morning for the last two years.

- But you can't!
- And I'm sick and tired of you telling me

- what I can do and what I can't.
- Suit yourself.

I hope you like
the new pool cover you ordered.

- I think you made a mistake, Colonel.
- Wrong.

And never call me Colonel, Colonel Bufoni. I
am now your president and I am infallible.

It says so in the new constitution.

Which you wrote yourself
when you were still a colonel.

And you were a captain, Colonel, which
you could soon become again, you understand.

Yes, Mr President.
It's just that sending for Clouseau...

Was a stroke of genius. He found the Pink
Panther before, he will find it again.

Possibly. And then?

Then... the grateful people of Lugash
will shower me, President Haleesh,

with praise and honor...
and their daughters.

And the insurance companies,

the ones which have already paid our
government's claim of 12 million dollars

for the theft
of the Pink Panther,

what will they shower you with?

Why didn't you mention this
before I sent for Clouseau?

Because you didn't tell me till just now
that you'd requested assistance

from somebody else's police force.

- Maybe we can withdraw the request.
- Not "we", Mr President. "You."

Only you can't. Clouseau's plane at this
very minute is winging its way to Lugash.

Ah. Well, perhaps he won't
find the Pink Panther.

Perhaps he won't reach Lugash.

- Colonel, you wouldn't... Ah.
- To save my president.

Do what you must, Colonel.

Just don't tell me about it.

A president's conscience
must be unblemished.

You understand my meaning,
General?

As the hand
understands the glove.

Oh, great one.

Try to get control
of yourself, my friend.

Giving in in this way
is not healthy.

If I were healthy,
why would I be here, Doctor?

I was referring
to your blood pressure.

I see. He's such a maniac,
such an idiot, such a fool.

And such a lucky fool.

He would fall backwards
down a manhole

and wind up
in the arms of Brooke Shields.

And now London, half in ruins.

And Lugash, a helpless little
desert country,

- about to be devastated.
- You must get hold of yourself.

Yes, I'm trying. I'm trying.

You don't want to end up
at Happy Acres again.

No. But, you see Doctor,
until Clouseau is out of my hair,

out of my life forever,
I'm doomed.

I'll never smile again.

Frank Sinatra with
the Pied Pipers and Tommy Dorsey.

I'm falling apart and you go down
memory lane with your silly jazz!

They know better than to interrupt me when I'm
with a patient, unless it is an emergency.

- Allô?
- Emergency call for the inspector.

Bon, attendez.

It would seem the emergency
is not mine... but yours.

Yes, Dreyfus.

- I have terrible news for you.
- What?

Inspector Clouseau's plane
is missing.

- You are sure?
- Yes, positive. I'm sorry.

- I'll be right there.
- OK, Inspector.

Thank you.

Doctor Longet... goodbye!

You see before you a man reborn!

Cured. Sane.
Sound as a Swiss franc.

- The phone call was good news?
- Wonderful news.

Clouseau's plane is overdue
and presumed lost, into the sea.

Lost into the sea
and out of my life forever!

I'm going to wash that man
right out of my hair.

I know.
Mary Martin, South Pacific.

♪ I'm going to wash that man
right outta my hair ♪

♪ I'm going to wash that man
right outta my hair ♪

Agh!

She's here. Come in.

Listen, I think this is a mistake.
Tell her I'm out of town on a case.

- Do you think that's wise?
- But do you think talking to her is wise?

You were his immediate superior.

"Were." You really
think he's... past tense?

- Well, it certainly seems possible.
- Oh, it would be wonderful.

And, uh, sooner or later,
a persistent reporter, like Marie Jouvet...

But what can I say?
What can I tell her?

- That I thought him an imbecile?
- No.

That I thought he was the luckiest
man in the world with the brain of a--

the brain of a retarded clam?

- Of course not.
- Of course not.

I mean, you know he was an idiot,
and I know he was an idiot,

but to the rest of the world he was the greatest
detective since Sherlock Holmes.

- If I tell the truth...
- Then don't. He's gone.

Give them the hero they want.
It's no skin off your nose.

But is he gone?
Is he really?

I've got this ghastly feeling that one
of these days - next week or tomorrow -

I'll open the trunk of my car
or my closet and "Peekaboo!"

But even so, I really don't
think you have a choice.

What if I don't bring it off, hmm? You
know me where Clouseau is concerned.

My emotions are just lurking
below the surface like a floating mine.

- Oh, God. I can't do it.
- You can do it.

I can do it? Yes, I can do it.

No, you do it.

Miss Jouvet.

Ah, Miss Jouvet.
How nice of you to come.

Please, make yourself
comfortable. Pull up a clam.

How would you describe
Inspector Clouseau?

Well...
I've never known a man like him.

He was... He was unique.

- Could you be more specific?
- I could be, but...

Well, to start with, he was...

unorthodox.

- In what way?
- In every way.

- Can you give me an example?
- An example.

Yes. For instance, to keep himself
constantly alert to any attack,

he instructed his Chinese
manservant to attack him

wherever and whenever he could.

That's not only unorthodox,
it's bizarre.

- He sounds like a real nut.
- Shut up!

There were rumours
that you and he didn't get along.

Well...

I suppose we occasionally
had our little disagreements,

but, um, when you work
with somebody for 20 years

you can't always
be expected to see...

to see...
I mean, to see eye to eye.

Then you think he was
a good detective?

He was, um...
I think he was, um...

You can't just say he was...

There are no words
to describe what he really was.

How about "genius"?

That is a word.

- Courageous?
- Courageous?

Oh, courageous.

The president twice
decorated him for bravery.

Right.

- That sounds like a courageous man to me.
- Yes, it certainly sounds that way, hmm?

He was reputed to be
a great athlete.

He, uh

Oh, you have no idea
what an athlete he was.

A karate black belt?

- A black belt? Hmm?
- An expert marksman. A born leader.

Inspector, I'm so sorry.

Gee, he's crying.

- Hello?
- This is Bruno. I want a meeting. Right away.

- Who with?
- Everybody.

OK, boss.

Aagh!

Aaagh!

Aha!

You mean it was part of your job
to attack him like that?

Oh, yes.

Well, Cato.
I'm back on the case.

Ah-ha!

Now to set the trap,
catch the killer

and prove to the world that
Maria Gambrelli is innocent... of murder.

We're going to have to
accelerate our training program.

You must learn to attack me whenever
and wherever I least expect it.

And you--
you must give no quarter.

- But didn't anyone ever get hurt?
- Oh, yes. Mostly me.

There was one time, however,
when the Mafia imported a ninja.

The inspector thought
the ninja was me.

- Poor ninja.
- I know just how he felt.

And now, with your boss gone,
no more sneak attacks.

You must be very relieved.

Well, not entirely.

Sometimes, when you do something long
enough, you miss it even if it was painful.

What do you think
happened to the inspector?

Beats me.

- Inspector Clouseau's residence.
- Marie Jouvet, please.

One moment, please.

It's for you.

- Allô?
- This is Sergeant Duval speaking.

I have that information for you.

Clouseau's former assistant,
Hercule Lajoy,

is living on a river barge
called The Moth.

- Hello?
- Hello.

- Hercule Lajoy?
- Who wants to know?

- Marie Jouvet. I'm a television reporter.
- I know what you are.

Can I come aboard?
I want to talk to you.

- You want answers?
- Of course.

How can I give you answers?
I am taking a nap.

Well, I'll wait
until you wake up.

All right.

You're even better-looking
than you are on television.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

I don't know why, but I have the distinct
impression that I was expected.

Clouseau has disappeared.
You're a reporter.

- Elementary.
- Spoken like a true policeman.

A retired policeman.

- May I sit?
- As you choose.

You worked with Clouseau.

Yes. He was unique.

Intuitive?
A man who followed his hunches?

Who can tell
what Clouseau followed?

All I know is he was the
most successful man in the force.

Everything I thought made up a proper
investigation, he did the opposite.

Facts, Hercule. Facts.

Nothing matters but the facts.

Without them, the science
of criminal investigation

is nothing more
than a guessing game.

You listen to me, Hercule,
and you will learn something.

Now, then...

The facts in this case are:

The body of the chauffeur was found
in the bedroom of the second maid. Fact!

Cause of death:
Four bullets in the chest. Fact!

The bullets were fired at close range
from a.25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact!

Maria Gambrelli was discovered
with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact!

The murder weapon was registered in
the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos,

and was kept, mark you,
in the glove compartment

of the Ballon Rolls-Royce.
Fact!

Now, then. Members of the household staff
have testified that Miguel Ostos beat...

Careful, you fool, you've
broken my pointing stick.

I've got nothing
to point with now.

Have-- have testified that-- that-- that
Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently.

And, now, finally comes this sworn statement
of Monsieur and Madame Ballon,

as well as all the members of the staff,
each of them with perfect alibis.

Now then, Hercule. What is the
inescapable conclusion?

Maria Gambrelli
killed the chauffeur.

What? You idiot! Impossible.
She's protecting someone.

- How do you know that?
- Instinct!

But the facts...

You are forgetting
the most important fact - motive.

- He beat her.
- He was Spanish.

- He tore her dress off.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous!

Would you kill somebody
who tore your dress off?

- No, I suppose not.
- Of course not.

No, no. There is no doubt
in my mind whatsoever, Hercule.

Maria Gambrelli is most definitely
protecting somebody.

Find that somebody
and you have found the murderer.

And, uh, I shall find the murderer
before the day is out.

Maria Gambrelli will tell me
who he is. Oh, yes.

Yet Clouseau was proved right.
Maria Gambrelli was innocent.

Clouseau was always proved right
at the end of the case.

But on the way even he
made a few miscalculations.

Agh!

And now he is lost
in the sea.

I admired his successes,
but his methods...

They made a mockery of everything
I knew of police work, so I quit.

But I have a good life.
I carry a few cargoes.

I charter to a group of tourists in August
when it gets too hot to stay in Paris.

Don't you miss it sometimes,
the-- the excitement?

Young lady, if I missed the excitement
don't you think I would bait my hook?

Thank you, Hercule Lajoy.
I like you.

And I don't think you're nearly the
hard case you make yourself out to be.

I like Hercule too, just because
he is the hard case he seems to be.

But if you really want to get
to the bottom of this Clouseau thing,

forget about us,
the ones on his side of the law.

Dig up some of the crooks
he caught, or didn't catch.

Goodbye.

- Call again when you're in the neighborhood!
- Thank you. I may do that.

They only show the top half
of you on television.

- I'm glad the bottom is just as good.
- Me too.

- How's business?
- Better.

Pickin' up.

Clouseau disappears.
Business gets better, huh?

Sure thing, yeah.

- This Marie Jouvet. She's snoopin' around.
- So what?

Who knows? But I think
it's better we put a tail on her.

Luis, she's no dummy.
You pick a couple of good boys, huh?

Done.

Well, when I first met Inspector
Clouseau, about 20 years ago, in Cortina,

I had a nasty ski accident

and unfortunately Clouseau happened
to be staying at the same hotel.

Ow!

- Ow!
- Excuse me. My leg is caught.

- You were married to Inspector Clouseau?
- Yes.

Had you known Sir Charles
before Cortina?

Only casually.

I am willing to bet you
10,000 francs

that the Phantom is in Cortina at this very
moment. Even, perhaps, in this very room.

How exciting.
What do you think, Mr Tucker?

Oh, I agree with the inspector.
You see,

ten of his last 15 victims have
been guests at Angela Dunning's parties.

What are we all talking about?

- The notorious Phantom.
- I'm afraid I've never heard of him.

What little I've read about him,
he seems to be quite a fellow.

Believe me, there are few thieves
who are as clever as the Phantom.

Each theft is completely different
and unique, classic in its conception.

But I thought you were working on the theory
that he does repeat himself.

Well, only as far as Angela Dunning's
parties are concerned.

However, there is
one other duplication,

but that is his... trademark,
his calling card, so to speak.

- He always leaves a white monogrammed glove.
- Sounds terribly theatrical.

You know, Your Highness, if I were the Phantom,
I'd have chosen my victim already.

Really? And who would that be?

Well, who owns the most fabulous
diamond in the world?

- I suppose I do.
- Exactly. The Pink Panther.

Such a prize
he could never resist.

He would be bound to try for it.

I'm afraid he'd be disappointed.
The Pink Panther is in my safe at...

Your Highness, please.
Don't say it, not here.

If I'm not being too nosy,
Your Highness, I read somewhere

that there was some dispute over
the ownership of the Pink Panther.

It belongs to me.
It was a gift from my late father.

- I shall never surrender it.
- Why should you?

When the present government
seized power,

they claimed the diamond was
the property of the people.

There's even some talk of the
international court deciding the issue.

I tell you what. Why don't I
steal the diamond,

leave that old glove
or whatever it is behind,

- and you and I can split the insurance?
- All right.

I feel like dancing.
Your Highness?

I'd love to.

- How about you, madame?
- Yes, of course.

- Your leg is better, Sir Charles?
- What?

- I say your leg is better.
- Oh, yes. Much better. Thank you.

You know, Mr Tucker... Argh!

That's my beer, old man.

In May 1964 you divorced
Inspector Clouseau and a year later...

I married the man of my dreams.

- Who was that, darling?
- Oh, you know.

That fellow Clouseau accused
of being the notorious Phantom.

Oh, him. You have to forgive her.
She's not very good on names.

- Anyway, he's terribly attractive.
- But she has impeccable taste.

What made Inspector Clouseau
think you were the Phantom?

An anonymous phone call.

I see. Come up immediately.

- Sir Charles. The Phantom.
- Sir Charles?

I've really got him this time.

- But of course he was wrong.
- About what?

- About you being the Phantom.
- Of course. He was wrong.

- Wrong, but persistent.
- Persistent he was.

You see, he was convinced that
I was planning to steal the Pink Panther.

And when Princess Dala gave
a costume ball at a villa in Rome,

Clouseau was there with his men.

- Warm.
- Yes, must be hell in there.

Bet it's not so good in there.

- Anything suspicious?
- No, no, no. Nothing to worry about.

My men are everywhere. Mingling here,
mingling there, watching all the time. Watching.

How dare you drink whilst on duty?
Who is inside there?

- Sergeant Walter.
- Sergeant Coff.

Any more behavior like this
and I'll have your stripes!

- And the Pink Panther was stolen that night?
- By a gorilla.

Come back! It's me!

To my dying day,

I'll never forget that old man
trying to cross the street.

Come on, faster!

What's the matter with you?
Can't you drive this thing faster?

This is the road
they have gone up.

Don't argue with me! I'm telling you
I know where they've gone.

- Now, George, any idea how we get out of here?
- I don't know. I've been all over this place.

I've been up this street,
up that one, up that one...

- How are we gonna get out of here?
- Why don't you try the high road up there?

Okay, I'll take the high road,
you take the low road. So long, Uncle Charles.

Ciao, George.

Now, listen.
Who taught you to drive this thing?

- I see them. That's them!
- No, it isn't.

And, believe it or not,
for a while,

it looked as though Clouseau
himself was the Phantom.

He was actually arrested for having stolen
the Pink Panther and sent to prison.

Tucker. Tucker!

- But he was innocent.
- Inept, but innocent.

- Inept?
- Wouldn't you say so, darling?

Oh, no. Not in everything, darling.
He was a terrific sleeper.

- It's hard to believe.
- Oh, it's true.

He almost never made a serious
mistake while he was sleeping.

I mean, inept!
France's greatest detective!

It does test one's reality.

- Do you think he's dead?
- I hope not.

- What do you think, Sir Charles?
- No. Men like Clouseau never die.

They're indestructible.
And that's the way it should be.

- Why?
- Well, we need them.

They help us preserve
our sense of humor.

And they're living proof
that, however bad things get,

if you persevere you survive
and sometimes even win.

So you think determination
was the key to his success?

No question about it.

He was a fool but he epitomized
the 11th Commandment.

- The 11th Commandment?
- "Thou shalt not give up."

- I like that.
- I thought you might.

- Well, goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Come and see us again.
- I may do that.

You know, the man of your dreams
is also a Machiavellian charmer.

I know that. Thank you.

Goodbye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- You've just passed the hotel.
- Yes, ma'am.

- But that's where I wanted to go.
- You see that car following us?

What about it?

Well, the two men in that car suggested
I drop you off at another address.

What are you talking about?

Actually, it was more like
a threat than a suggestion.

- They threatened you?
- One of them showed me his brand new gun.

But who are they?

I know you'll think I'm not on the ball,
but I neglected to get their names.

- You realize this is kidnapping?
- Yeah.

Well, I have to be
honest with you.

I couldn't come up
with an alternative.

You can go to prison for life
for kidnapping.

Lady, the gun he showed me
was a.38 Magnum.

I don't know anything
about guns.

Yeah, well, that gun makes
enormous holes in things.

I had a choice between kidnapping you
and getting shot with that gun.

And to be perfectly frank,
I would look terrible and feel worse

with an enormous hole in me.

- Miss Jouvet, how nice of you to come.
- Did I have a choice?

Actually, no. Let's go
where we can be private.

- Do I have a choice?
- I just wanna have a little talk with you.

- Watch your step.
- I always do.

Why the B-movie
melodramatics?

- You could have just picked up a telephone.
- Would you have come?

To see the French godfather?
Come on, Bruno, I'm a reporter.

And a terrific-lookin' one at that.
Take a swim.

Come on. Let's make
ourselves comfortable.

- Have a seat.
- Can I have a drink?

- Do I have a choice?
- Actually, no.

- How about some champagne?
- Terrific. And put a fresh peach in it.

You heard the lady. Some champagne
and put a peach in it.

A peach?

Yes, sir.

- I never heard of a peach in champagne before.
- Very sexy.

- Make that two.
- Yes, sir.

- What happens if he doesn't have any peaches?
- Something very melodramatic.

Well, if it gets to that,
I'll settle for plain champagne.

You know, Marie, you really are
some kinda sensational lady.

And you know, Bruno,
there is an old saying.

- What's that?
- Never bullshit a bullshitter.

I want you to lay off
on this Clouseau thing.

- Take off your glasses.
- What for?

Then I can see
what you're thinking.

I doubt that.

- Why do you want me to lay off Clouseau?
- 'Cause I asked you to.

- It's not a good enough reason.
- It should be.

What if I don't?

You know, Marie,
when I was your age,

I used to sometimes wonder
what it would be like

if I suddenly found
a whole lot of money.

- Have you ever imagined something like that?
- Oh, yes.

You know, I even imagined that some day someone
might try to bribe me with a small fortune.

- Now, what did you do?
- I was tempted.

- That's a good start.
- But I said no.

- Not very bright.
- I'm a reporter.

For better or for worse,
an honest one.

Now, tell me why you want me
to lay off Clouseau.

'Cause I prefer things
the way they are.

Clouseau created
a lot of problems.

A smart lady like you
could find out he's still alive.

Or dead. I might even find out
that someone killed him.

You've got a beautiful face. Why do you
want to stick it in where it doesn't belong?

Because it's my job.

What good's your job if you've gotta
do your TV show from a hospital bed?

I knew you were going to threaten me,
but I didn't know how I was going to react.

And you know something?
I've surprised myself.

Is that right?

Yes. Instead of scaring the wits out of me,
you have made me angry.

In fact, I can't remember
when I've been so angry.

I am a member of the press and I will not
be intimidated by you or by anybody else.

- Hey, now who's being melodramatic?
- You call this melodramatic? Wait till I get home!

- What are you gonna do?
- Faint or throw up. Maybe both.

I won't know till I get there.

- Eight to five it's throw up.
- You've got a bet.

Sir?

- Gutsy lady.
- Yes, indeed, sir.

- Great ass.
- I didn't notice, sir.

Arthur, there's an old saying.

- "Never bullshit a bullshitter."
- Yes, of course, sir.

Yes, great arse indeed.

Bruno?

Can I get out now?

Yeah.

I don't think she has
such a great ass.

- What do you expect me to do?
- Arrest him.

- On what charge?
- He threatened me. He had me kidnapped.

- Can you prove it?
- Ask the taxi driver!

You said it was the
taxi driver who kidnapped you.

Bruno's men forced him to.
They had guns.

- Did you see the guns? Miss Joulet.
- No, but the taxi driver told me...

I'm perfectly certain that everything
you've told me is true.

- But...
- But

I'm equally certain that
Monsieur Langlois will deny it.

Monsieur Langlois?

- What it boils down to...
- What it boils down to is his word against mine.

Exactly!

And in certain circles, Monsieur Langlois'
word carries a lot of weight.

You are upset
so I will ignore the innuendo.

Upset or not, Inspector,
the innuendo stands.

Miss Jouvet, may I suggest that
you go home and forget all about this.

Excuse me.

I shall tell you exactly
where I am going to go -

I'm going to go
directly to my office,

where I shall write my next broadcast
about the Mafia boss who kidnapped me

and about the chief inspector of the Sûreté
who refused to do anything about it.

In my opinion,
that would be most unwise.

What it boils down to, Inspector, is,
I don't trust your opinion.

Miss Jouvet seemed a bit upset.

Miss Jouvet is turning out
to be a real pain in the a...

Aagh!

So far the incident hasn't
even been investigated.

And if Bruno Langlois is in the mood
to deny the allegation,

I will be happy to repeat it
on the witness stand.

- She's talking about you.
- Yes.

Lot of guts.

And I believe even the French godfather would
think twice about challenging me in court.

As for Chief Inspector Dreyfus,

if he really is the paragon of
police virtue that he purports to be,

why hasn't he even bothered to find
the taxi driver and interrogate him?

- She's talking about you.
- Yes.

Aah!

It's intriguing, but the more
I find out about Clouseau,

the more certain interested parties
would prefer that I drop my investigation.

So far, I haven't turned up
anything incriminating,

but obviously I'm rocking the boat
and people are getting nervous.

One thing's sure. I intend to keep on
rocking until I have an answer for you.

Good night.

Inspector Clouseau's residence.
Cato speaking.

I've gone to Miami Beach
to spend Chinese New Year

with my maternal grandmother.

Leave a message after the bleep.

Allô?

Avon calling!

You!

Regrettably.

Inspector Clouseau's residence.
Cato speaking.

I've gone to Miami Beach to
spend Chinese New Year

with my maternal grandmother.

Leave a message after the bleep.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm used to it.

This is Professor
Auguste Balls of Paris.

You Oriental picaroon!

You can't fool me about a plane crash.
He is hiding to avoid payment.

Unless I receive 4,000 francs
by Friday, I'm suing.

And you can put that in your opium pipe
and smoke it, you conniving Cantonese!

Who the hell is
Professor Auguste Balls?

Inspector Clouseau's
official disguise-maker.

- What's a picaroon?
- A cheat.

- Oh, that's great.
- Being called a cheat?

Some of my best friends
are picaroons.

- I'm sorry I broke in.
- That's OK. Keeps me in practice.

- Can I get you a cup of tea or something?
- No, thanks.

- I could use an aspirin.
- You see, I telephoned before.

And I really thought you'd gone
to visit your grandmother in Miami.

Miami Beach. She runs a bingo parlor.
She's a real picaroon.

I thought maybe
I'd find something.

- Like what?
- Like this.

Oh, that!

- Do you know who these people are?
- His parents.

- Are they still alive?
- His father is.

He lives in the Château Clouseau
à Lamarque.

He's a winemaker.

Swine rabbit!

Mes chéries.

Beaujolais!

What are you doing?

Bon, bon, bon, bon.

- Au revoir, mes chéries.
- Au revoir, Papa.

It doesn't taste the same
since we lost Fifi.

I'm missing the great Fifi.

Fifi!

Could you tell me something
about your son?

No. After four o'clock,

I can't tell you anything
about my son.

- Why not after four o'clock?
- Because, after tasting the wine all day,

after four o'clock
I can't remember my son -

let alone tell you
anything about him.

It is a miracle that I remember
it is after four o'clock.

That felt good!

- Are you all right?
- Of course I am all right.

I was just checking that Nanna
vacuumed the rug.

Speaking of Nanna...

Fetch Nanna.

Nanna has been with me 61 years.

She was Jacques' nurse.

- Oh, really?
- What?

- I said "Really?"
- I know that.

Because you said Nanna
was your son's nurse.

Mademoiselle, you don't have
to repeat what I said.

I know what I said.

Fortunately I am not too old
to have lost my memory yet.

K-nock wood.

Come in!

What am I laughing about?

I'm not sure I can explain it.

Nanna approaches.

Allez! Allez! Allez!

Apportez-moi Nanna.

Continuez.

Bon, bon, ça va bien.

A gauche! A gauche! A gauche!

A gauche! Gauche!

Sit.

Allez, à droite.

A droite.

A droite, dog.

En bas!

A gauche! A gauche!

Merci, Nanna.

En bas.

En bas.

- Santé.
- Santé.

She loves that dog.

Assis.

Regardez.

Regardez, dog.

No, no, Nanna.
No, no, Nanna, no no.

Fifi.

My son Jacques
Clouseau was born September 8th 1920.

He had his mother's eyes
and his father's kidneys.

From the very beginning,

Jacques wanted to be
a policeman.

He had many setbacks,

but he was always resourceful.

He was 18 when he
entered the university

and fell in love.

The girl of his dreams
married another.

And Jacques decided
that life was not worth living.

To whom it may concern.

I find life
no longer worth living.

- Fortunately,
- Oh, merde.

there was
a power failure.

Swine lights.

When the Germans invaded France,

Jacques joined the underground.

Swine plunger.

After the war, he joined
the police force

and the rest is history.

Well, thank you, Monsieur Clouseau.
It's been most interesting.

- It has?
- Yes. It helps to round out my tribute.

What do you mean?

Your tribute
doesn't need rounding.

You have a
great-looking tribute.

- He's alive, you know.
- How do you know that?

He has his mother's eyes,
but his father's fortitude.

- I thought it was his kidneys.
- That too.

A man with such fortitude and kidneys
must be alive someplace.

- I hope so.
- I knew that.

- Well, goodbye.
- Au revoir.

And so, after leaving
that delightful old man,

who is so firmly convinced
that his famous son is still alive,

I began to wonder,
"Is it possible?"

Mafia boss Bruno Langlois
seems to think it is.

Sir Charles Litton feels
that such men are indispensable

and therefore indestructible.

And Chief Inspector Dreyfus
is so obsessed with the possibility

that he's on the verge
of another nervous breakdown.

Did Inspector Clouseau really
perish in the sea, as reported?

Or, for reasons as yet unknown,
is he out there someplace,

plotting his next move, waiting
to reveal himself when the time is right?

I am reluctant to believe that misfortune
has really struck down such a great man.

Swine seagull.

We must find that woman.

Here's the report.

I will apprehend this culprit
within 24 hours. Agh!

Ah!

Now we are getting somewhere.

You!

- But that's a priceless Steinway.
- Not any more.

Agh!

Inspector Clouseau's residence.

- Clouseau.
- One moment, please.

For you.

He's Sir Charles Phantom,
the notorious Litton.

- The Phantom?
- Yes. One and the same.

My greedy little yellow pimp.

Ow!

There is something that I am
very interested to know. It's rumoured...

Back to town.

Follow that car.

Does your dog bite?

No.

Nice doggy.

I thought you said
your dog did not bite.

That is not my dog.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

Do you know the way
to the Palace Hotel?

Yes.

Special delivery. A beum.
Were you expecting one?

A beum?!

You fool!
You raving Oriental idiot!

There is a time and a place
for everything, Cato.

And this is it.

And another thing!

I was known as
the Pavlova of the parallels.

Oh, yes.

Yes, it's all coming back now.

Ah, yes, I remember it...

Aagh!

Well, that felt good.