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- [Sarah] The following is a counseling
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session with a certified therapist.
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The patients, however, are comedians.
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They are not in an actual relationship,
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and their stories are fictional.
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I love you.
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(gentle music)
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- [Gaea] Hello.
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- Hello.
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- So what brings you both here today?
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- I was a bad boy and I
disappointed my sensei master.
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- He is your sensei master?
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- Yes.
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- I'm a broom master.
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- I'm sorry, a what master?
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- A broom master.
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- Okay.
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- I own a broom store.
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This broom store is called Sweep Hearts.
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Maybe you've heard of it?
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- [Gaea] I have not.
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- It's been in my family for generations,
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my father's father, his
father's father's father,
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all masters.
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A broom is a simple tool,
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as supposed to say a vacuum cleaner,
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which is jabbed into things,
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and sucks away everything that
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was there as if it never existed.
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What had happened was my
grandfather had passed away.
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And as is tradition with broom masters,
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we held his funeral in the broom store.
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All the broom masters sweep
around the casket in a circle,
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sweeping the stardust outside.
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(somber organ music)
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And whomever is standing there,
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regardless of race, creed, color, age,
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they are swept into the store,
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and they are asked to stare face to face
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with the dead broom master, who
they hopefully will replace.
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(gasping)
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(screaming)
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(thudding)
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- He dust me.
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- [Chad] We put them
in the coffin together,
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covered in dust, their
faces pressed together,
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but only a true broom
master can choose to kiss.
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- I see, and so that's how
you were chosen for this.
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- I don't remember, but
he told me what happened.
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- So you don't remember this day?
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- We swept his memory.
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(light smacking)
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- I don't know where I was born.
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I don't even know where I come from.
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All I know is I'm his apprentice.
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- When we found him outside
he was just carrying
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a grocery bag full of
some food and diapers.
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We thew them in a dumpster,
we swept his memory,
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and his new life began.
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- Do I wear a diaper?
- Wow.
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- I don't know what the diapers were for.
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They were children's diapers.
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- So I might have a kid?
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- It doesn't matter.
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After that day you were a
broom master apprentice.
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Do you know how he spent the first year
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as his tenure as my apprentice?
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- Tell me.
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- After the store would close
I would give him a tiny broom,
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kind of broom you might
find in a dollhouse.
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And he would sweep the entire store
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and bathroom with that broom.
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There was also a tiny little dustpan.
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It's actually adorable.
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That outfit also comes
with a little apron.
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It's so small it's impossible to put on.
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But I insist that he tries.
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So he sits there with an apron
that could fit on a mouse,
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desperately trying to get it over his head
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and around his waist because
it's that effort that matters.
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And he would sweep it
so he would understand
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that every speck of dust that exists
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both deserves respect and attention.
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- Took me forever.
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- Wow.
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- You know another
tradition of broom masters
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is that a broom apprentice
must sleep in the broom closet.
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- Then once a week sensei
would come into the closet
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then and sleep with me.
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- Well I watch.
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I sit and I watch.
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- He's like a master-sensei,
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but also daddy and guardian angel.
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That's why when I was being a bad boy.
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- Yeah, that was what you began with,
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can you tell me a little
bit more about that?
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- Maybe you should tell
her about your friend Phil.
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- Phil is free-spirited,
interesting, cool guy.
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And Phil's store next to us
is a vacuum cleaner shop.
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- Right next door to the broom store.
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- [Juzo] Yeah.
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(r&b music)
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- It's called Suck This.
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(r&b music)
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- Every night after sweep
with the little broom.
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- [Gaea] The little broom.
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- Takes 14 hours and I just
needed to sleep one night.
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- I came back because I forgot my jacket.
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And as I walked by and looked
into the dimly lit room,
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I saw Juzo and Phil shirtless
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("Clair de Lune" by Debussy)
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vacuuming up.
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I saw you.
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- It's a split second judgment.
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- It wasn't just split second judgment.
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It was like they were dancing in there.
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("Clair de Lune" by Debussy)
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I was heartbroken.
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- Sounds really hard.
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- You know I keep coming back to
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one of the nights I came in
and he was sleeping so softly
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and just kinda whispering in his sleep.
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He was just like, "Okay, Margaret,
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"I'm just gonna go out
and get some groceries.
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"Everything will be fine."
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- Who's Margaret?
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- I don't know.
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I'll be honest, I think
part of this is that
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I swept his mind too aggressively.
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Like I also feel a little responsible for
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what's seemingly a mental disability.
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- Please don't blame yourself.
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- If I could go back when we
went out and swept that street,
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I wish we just came back inside.
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I wish...
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- What?
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- you never came in with us.
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- What are you saying, sensei?
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- I'm saying that I'm
going to unsweep you.
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- [Juzo] What?
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- I'm going to return you
to who you were before
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all of this.
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(light sweeping)
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- I remember something.
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- Please, go ahead.
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- I had a wife named Margaret.
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And I have a baby son named Bobo.
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- This is just coming back to you now?
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- Yeah.
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And I had a dog.
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And I live in Glendale.
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("Clair de Lune" by Debussy)
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- It's actually Eagle Rock.
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- My driver's license.
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Good picture.
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Sensei,
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is this goodbye?
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- No.
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This is just you being
swept somewhere else.
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- Thank you so much.
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- Now go.
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You heard me!
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Get out!
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Go!
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It was the right thing to do.
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I think I still have about 10 minutes so.
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- Actually you do, yeah.
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- If I maybe had some
other things to discuss?
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- It's your time, yeah.
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- I keep having this recurring dream
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where I'm a cool white principle
at an inner city school
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trying to turn those kids around.
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What does that mean?
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- What does it mean to you?
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How do you feel when you
wake up from the dream?
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- Pretty cool.
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- [Gaea] Pretty cool.
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- 'Cause I'm doing a bunch a cool stuff
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with these inner city kids.
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I teach them math, they
teach me how to rap.
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There's a gang involved.
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Do you know who Coolio is?
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- [Gaea] I do.
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- Also, I wanna kill my neighbor.
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- Metaphorically?
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- No.
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- [Gaea] No.
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- Like a weird choking thing.
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Probably we should focus on
that killing thing, right?
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- I am a mandated reporter
so if there is someone
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specific that you want to kill,
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and you express interest in this,
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we may have to take an additional
step beyond our session.
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- So let's go back to that
cool inner city teacher thing.
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("Clair de Lune" by Debussy)
13761
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