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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,130 --> 00:00:02,590 - [Sarah] The following is a counseling 2 00:00:02,590 --> 00:00:04,830 session with a certified therapist. 3 00:00:04,830 --> 00:00:07,210 The patients, however, are comedians. 4 00:00:07,210 --> 00:00:09,440 They are not in an actual relationship, 5 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:11,970 and their stories are fictional. 6 00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:12,800 I love you. 7 00:00:12,803 --> 00:00:15,293 (gentle music) 8 00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:37,330 - [Gaea] Hello. 9 00:00:37,330 --> 00:00:38,170 - Hello. 10 00:00:38,170 --> 00:00:40,910 - So what brings you both here today? 11 00:00:40,910 --> 00:00:45,910 - I was a bad boy and I disappointed my sensei master. 12 00:00:49,140 --> 00:00:50,700 - He is your sensei master? 13 00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:51,530 - Yes. 14 00:00:51,533 --> 00:00:54,053 - I'm a broom master. 15 00:00:55,060 --> 00:00:56,720 - I'm sorry, a what master? 16 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:58,210 - A broom master. 17 00:00:58,210 --> 00:00:59,610 - Okay. 18 00:00:59,610 --> 00:01:00,770 - I own a broom store. 19 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,900 This broom store is called Sweep Hearts. 20 00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:05,240 Maybe you've heard of it? 21 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:06,070 - [Gaea] I have not. 22 00:01:06,073 --> 00:01:08,133 - It's been in my family for generations, 23 00:01:08,130 --> 00:01:10,730 my father's father, his father's father's father, 24 00:01:10,730 --> 00:01:12,060 all masters. 25 00:01:12,060 --> 00:01:15,130 A broom is a simple tool, 26 00:01:15,130 --> 00:01:18,090 as supposed to say a vacuum cleaner, 27 00:01:18,090 --> 00:01:19,880 which is jabbed into things, 28 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,330 and sucks away everything that 29 00:01:21,330 --> 00:01:23,380 was there as if it never existed. 30 00:01:24,290 --> 00:01:27,440 What had happened was my grandfather had passed away. 31 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,960 And as is tradition with broom masters, 32 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,910 we held his funeral in the broom store. 33 00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:38,200 All the broom masters sweep around the casket in a circle, 34 00:01:39,730 --> 00:01:41,850 sweeping the stardust outside. 35 00:01:41,845 --> 00:01:44,925 (somber organ music) 36 00:01:48,190 --> 00:01:49,830 And whomever is standing there, 37 00:01:49,830 --> 00:01:53,350 regardless of race, creed, color, age, 38 00:01:53,350 --> 00:01:54,910 they are swept into the store, 39 00:01:55,930 --> 00:01:57,950 and they are asked to stare face to face 40 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:03,660 with the dead broom master, who they hopefully will replace. 41 00:02:04,851 --> 00:02:06,561 (gasping) 42 00:02:06,557 --> 00:02:09,147 (screaming) 43 00:02:09,152 --> 00:02:11,102 (thudding) 44 00:02:11,096 --> 00:02:12,176 - He dust me. 45 00:02:14,420 --> 00:02:16,160 - [Chad] We put them in the coffin together, 46 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:18,750 covered in dust, their faces pressed together, 47 00:02:18,750 --> 00:02:21,680 but only a true broom master can choose to kiss. 48 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:25,320 - I see, and so that's how you were chosen for this. 49 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:28,190 - I don't remember, but he told me what happened. 50 00:02:28,192 --> 00:02:29,182 - So you don't remember this day? 51 00:02:29,180 --> 00:02:30,400 - We swept his memory. 52 00:02:30,398 --> 00:02:33,148 (light smacking) 53 00:02:35,660 --> 00:02:37,960 - I don't know where I was born. 54 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,200 I don't even know where I come from. 55 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:43,880 All I know is I'm his apprentice. 56 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:46,410 - When we found him outside he was just carrying 57 00:02:46,410 --> 00:02:50,230 a grocery bag full of some food and diapers. 58 00:02:50,230 --> 00:02:52,820 We thew them in a dumpster, we swept his memory, 59 00:02:52,820 --> 00:02:54,080 and his new life began. 60 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:55,700 - Do I wear a diaper? - Wow. 61 00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:56,950 - I don't know what the diapers were for. 62 00:02:56,950 --> 00:02:58,990 They were children's diapers. 63 00:02:58,990 --> 00:03:00,880 - So I might have a kid? 64 00:03:01,940 --> 00:03:02,870 - It doesn't matter. 65 00:03:02,870 --> 00:03:05,800 After that day you were a broom master apprentice. 66 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,430 Do you know how he spent the first year 67 00:03:08,430 --> 00:03:11,040 as his tenure as my apprentice? 68 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:11,870 - Tell me. 69 00:03:11,873 --> 00:03:16,813 - After the store would close I would give him a tiny broom, 70 00:03:16,810 --> 00:03:19,130 kind of broom you might find in a dollhouse. 71 00:03:20,550 --> 00:03:22,190 And he would sweep the entire store 72 00:03:22,190 --> 00:03:23,850 and bathroom with that broom. 73 00:03:23,850 --> 00:03:26,930 There was also a tiny little dustpan. 74 00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:30,830 It's actually adorable. 75 00:03:30,830 --> 00:03:32,980 That outfit also comes with a little apron. 76 00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:35,630 It's so small it's impossible to put on. 77 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,660 But I insist that he tries. 78 00:03:38,660 --> 00:03:41,870 So he sits there with an apron that could fit on a mouse, 79 00:03:41,870 --> 00:03:43,950 desperately trying to get it over his head 80 00:03:43,950 --> 00:03:48,200 and around his waist because it's that effort that matters. 81 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,470 And he would sweep it so he would understand 82 00:03:50,470 --> 00:03:52,970 that every speck of dust that exists 83 00:03:52,970 --> 00:03:55,920 both deserves respect and attention. 84 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,170 - Took me forever. 85 00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:58,000 - Wow. 86 00:04:03,260 --> 00:04:07,220 - You know another tradition of broom masters 87 00:04:07,220 --> 00:04:10,960 is that a broom apprentice must sleep in the broom closet. 88 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:16,650 - Then once a week sensei would come into the closet 89 00:04:16,650 --> 00:04:18,300 then and sleep with me. 90 00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:19,920 - Well I watch. 91 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,110 I sit and I watch. 92 00:04:23,110 --> 00:04:24,760 - He's like a master-sensei, 93 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:28,180 but also daddy and guardian angel. 94 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:34,560 That's why when I was being a bad boy. 95 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,290 - Yeah, that was what you began with, 96 00:04:36,290 --> 00:04:38,410 can you tell me a little bit more about that? 97 00:04:38,410 --> 00:04:41,080 - Maybe you should tell her about your friend Phil. 98 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:46,080 - Phil is free-spirited, interesting, cool guy. 99 00:04:48,450 --> 00:04:53,450 And Phil's store next to us is a vacuum cleaner shop. 100 00:04:54,570 --> 00:04:56,840 - Right next door to the broom store. 101 00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:57,760 - [Juzo] Yeah. 102 00:04:57,757 --> 00:05:00,087 (r&b music) 103 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:04,960 - It's called Suck This. 104 00:05:06,277 --> 00:05:08,607 (r&b music) 105 00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:14,970 - Every night after sweep with the little broom. 106 00:05:14,970 --> 00:05:15,850 - [Gaea] The little broom. 107 00:05:15,850 --> 00:05:20,710 - Takes 14 hours and I just needed to sleep one night. 108 00:05:22,430 --> 00:05:25,050 - I came back because I forgot my jacket. 109 00:05:25,050 --> 00:05:28,420 And as I walked by and looked into the dimly lit room, 110 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:32,080 I saw Juzo and Phil shirtless 111 00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:35,471 ("Clair de Lune" by Debussy) 112 00:05:35,470 --> 00:05:36,300 vacuuming up. 113 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:39,710 I saw you. 114 00:05:39,713 --> 00:05:43,093 - It's a split second judgment. 115 00:05:43,090 --> 00:05:45,930 - It wasn't just split second judgment. 116 00:05:45,930 --> 00:05:48,200 It was like they were dancing in there. 117 00:05:48,196 --> 00:05:51,946 ("Clair de Lune" by Debussy) 118 00:06:06,530 --> 00:06:08,360 I was heartbroken. 119 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:09,620 - Sounds really hard. 120 00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:11,220 - You know I keep coming back to 121 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:16,160 one of the nights I came in and he was sleeping so softly 122 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,640 and just kinda whispering in his sleep. 123 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,820 He was just like, "Okay, Margaret, 124 00:06:20,817 --> 00:06:23,887 "I'm just gonna go out and get some groceries. 125 00:06:23,887 --> 00:06:25,507 "Everything will be fine." 126 00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:26,340 - Who's Margaret? 127 00:06:26,343 --> 00:06:27,183 - I don't know. 128 00:06:27,176 --> 00:06:28,816 I'll be honest, I think part of this is that 129 00:06:28,820 --> 00:06:31,110 I swept his mind too aggressively. 130 00:06:31,110 --> 00:06:33,300 Like I also feel a little responsible for 131 00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:35,970 what's seemingly a mental disability. 132 00:06:35,970 --> 00:06:37,470 - Please don't blame yourself. 133 00:06:38,350 --> 00:06:43,170 - If I could go back when we went out and swept that street, 134 00:06:45,930 --> 00:06:47,730 I wish we just came back inside. 135 00:06:48,670 --> 00:06:49,670 I wish... 136 00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:52,330 - What? 137 00:06:52,333 --> 00:06:54,063 - you never came in with us. 138 00:06:54,060 --> 00:06:55,560 - What are you saying, sensei? 139 00:06:58,530 --> 00:07:01,880 - I'm saying that I'm going to unsweep you. 140 00:07:01,879 --> 00:07:02,749 - [Juzo] What? 141 00:07:02,750 --> 00:07:05,970 - I'm going to return you to who you were before 142 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:07,960 all of this. 143 00:07:10,058 --> 00:07:12,808 (light sweeping) 144 00:07:18,910 --> 00:07:21,040 - I remember something. 145 00:07:22,210 --> 00:07:23,250 - Please, go ahead. 146 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:28,330 - I had a wife named Margaret. 147 00:07:30,740 --> 00:07:34,950 And I have a baby son named Bobo. 148 00:07:38,990 --> 00:07:40,770 - This is just coming back to you now? 149 00:07:40,771 --> 00:07:42,081 - Yeah. 150 00:07:42,076 --> 00:07:44,106 And I had a dog. 151 00:07:46,670 --> 00:07:50,660 And I live in Glendale. 152 00:07:50,658 --> 00:07:54,408 ("Clair de Lune" by Debussy) 153 00:07:56,410 --> 00:07:58,180 - It's actually Eagle Rock. 154 00:07:59,540 --> 00:08:00,770 - My driver's license. 155 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,070 Good picture. 156 00:08:04,740 --> 00:08:05,570 Sensei, 157 00:08:07,502 --> 00:08:08,422 is this goodbye? 158 00:08:09,310 --> 00:08:10,140 - No. 159 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:15,880 This is just you being swept somewhere else. 160 00:08:22,113 --> 00:08:23,783 - Thank you so much. 161 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:26,990 - Now go. 162 00:08:29,150 --> 00:08:30,920 You heard me! 163 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:31,750 Get out! 164 00:08:33,450 --> 00:08:34,360 Go! 165 00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:44,724 It was the right thing to do. 166 00:08:48,330 --> 00:08:52,850 I think I still have about 10 minutes so. 167 00:08:54,210 --> 00:08:55,160 - Actually you do, yeah. 168 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,190 - If I maybe had some other things to discuss? 169 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,400 - It's your time, yeah. 170 00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:05,600 - I keep having this recurring dream 171 00:09:07,470 --> 00:09:10,680 where I'm a cool white principle at an inner city school 172 00:09:11,710 --> 00:09:13,360 trying to turn those kids around. 173 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:17,280 What does that mean? 174 00:09:20,110 --> 00:09:20,990 - What does it mean to you? 175 00:09:20,987 --> 00:09:23,257 How do you feel when you wake up from the dream? 176 00:09:23,260 --> 00:09:24,240 - Pretty cool. 177 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:25,320 - [Gaea] Pretty cool. 178 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,870 - 'Cause I'm doing a bunch a cool stuff 179 00:09:27,870 --> 00:09:29,420 with these inner city kids. 180 00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:32,990 I teach them math, they teach me how to rap. 181 00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,340 There's a gang involved. 182 00:09:36,890 --> 00:09:37,810 Do you know who Coolio is? 183 00:09:37,810 --> 00:09:38,640 - [Gaea] I do. 184 00:09:41,340 --> 00:09:43,820 - Also, I wanna kill my neighbor. 185 00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:49,600 - Metaphorically? 186 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:50,430 - No. 187 00:09:50,433 --> 00:09:52,053 - [Gaea] No. 188 00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:54,830 - Like a weird choking thing. 189 00:10:01,090 --> 00:10:03,420 Probably we should focus on that killing thing, right? 190 00:10:03,420 --> 00:10:05,980 - I am a mandated reporter so if there is someone 191 00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,830 specific that you want to kill, 192 00:10:07,830 --> 00:10:09,760 and you express interest in this, 193 00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:13,860 we may have to take an additional step beyond our session. 194 00:10:13,860 --> 00:10:17,120 - So let's go back to that cool inner city teacher thing. 195 00:10:18,071 --> 00:10:21,901 ("Clair de Lune" by Debussy) 13761

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