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- [Announcer] The following
is a counseling session
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with a certified therapist.
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The patients, however, are comedians.
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They are not in an actual relationship
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and their stories are fictional.
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(whispering) Pst, I love you.
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(elevator music)
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- [Therapist] So what's
bringing you here today?
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- [Johnny] Well I was like
we should definitely...
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- [Kate] I was, for years,
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encouraging us to seek help.
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(Johnny laughs)
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It was my idea to be here.
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- It was my idea.
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- It was my idea, he
never wanted to do it.
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- Well I'm pretty sure my,
it wasn't just my idea,
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it was my doing, so, yeah, I did it.
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- I'm the reason that we're here
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- And it's so good that we're here.
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- Then you're welcome.
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- It's really great that you're here.
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- You're welcome for bringing you here.
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- And you're welcome for me, not just
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bringing you here doing the legwork.
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Yeah, I'm the reason we're here.
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- Well, It could've been
both of your ideas and
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maybe it doesn't matter who's idea it is.
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Because here you are.
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- Okay.
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- Mmmhmm. Yeah, here we are.
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- But I just think like for
the record, I brought us here.
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- Tell me a little bit
about how you got together.
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- We met in a park.
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- [Kate] Beautiful park.
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- Beautiful, very
pretty. I liked the park.
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- And I loved the park, and
therein lies the difference.
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But I digress. I was jogging,
as I used to be very active
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physically.
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- I was hiking, sorta
jog-hike hybrid thing I do.
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This acorn I saw on the ground
I picked it up to inspect it.
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Kate approached because she
I guess was a big fan of
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that acorn as well.
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- [Kate] Guilty as charged,
I loved that acorn.
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- [Johnny] There was
definitely like a spark.
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- [Kate] Immediate spark.
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- [Johnny] There was immediate spark,
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and we started talking about the acorn
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cause she evidently had seen it
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many times before and chose
actively not to touch it.
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And since I had touched it
I disrupted that acorn's
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personal space time continuum story.
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- We made a schedule of how
we could share the acorn
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and it worked very well. I
would say those were probably
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some of the happiest
times of our relationship.
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- I did, whenever I would always
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kind of try to give off my pheromones
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on the acorn when I'd pass it off to him.
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That's when I knew I was
started to develop feelings.
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- I think it was a month
in, maybe a month and a half
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and I picked up the
acorn and I got in my car
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and it was, oof, I was just overcome
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there was just like a musk in the air.
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I was like "uh, there's
a little somethin'..."
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I think I said "there's
a little somethin' funky
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going on here."
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(Kate laughs)
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And then she sent me a
picture of her armpit
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and with the caption "you could
grow a tree in this thing."
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And I grew a tree and ever since...
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And we... I think it's the, that's the
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we had sex a few weeks later.
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- Yeah.
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- If you're a couple, I
hope that's what's going on.
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- But some people would, you might assume
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that we're saving it for
something, I don't know.
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- Well some couples never have sex.
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- Yeah.
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- A lot of people don't talk about...
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It's not talked about in popular culture.
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- Well I hope that those
people might come in
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and visit me also because
that would be a normal thing
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to have sex if you're a couple
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and you're enjoying each other.
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- But what if you're...you know, busy or
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I mean, this is all just
God if that's something
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that factors into your world view.
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- I don't know, is there
anything that Kate can do for you
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or do differently that would help you
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not feel those ways?
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- We've talked about a mask.
Uh, we've talked about candles.
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We've talked about...
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- Masks, you already said that.
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- Yep.
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- [Therapist] Can you tell me
a little more about the mask.
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- [Kate] What the mask
is is it's a 3D rendering
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of Johnny's face.
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- [Johnny] Mmm hmm.
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- [Kate] Hyper-realistic
rendering of his face that I wear.
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So it's a mask that I wear of his face.
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- [Johnny] And so that
way when she looks at me,
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shes' seeing me but she's
seeing me seeing myself.
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And so for works for her on that level
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I, we've talked about
it and I also assume,
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and then I see just myself. So I feel like
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it's essentially masturbating.
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- He's constructed a loophole.
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- It works though.
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- You're making a face.
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- Did I make a face?
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- Yeah, you definitely
have some other thoughts
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than Johnny's having.
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- I'm glad you said that because
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I can't see her making the face.
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You know how a cat when you
see, when you look at a cat
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it won't approach but when you look away
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the cat's closer?
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It only moves when
you're not looking at it.
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That's how Kate is.
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- That's not how cats operate.
I worked with cats for years.
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- One problem we have is
that Kate insists upon
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taking a lot of baths.
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- Here we go.
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- Baths. Yeah, she'll take
these really long baths
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that last sometimes 13 hours
is usually about average
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but nine minimum.
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If she knows we have something scheduled
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she will start the bath at the
time we're supposed to leave.
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And it's this power thing where she's like
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"the water's running, I
can't, what, am I supposed
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to waste this water?"
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- Why does when I take a bath affect you?
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- [Johnny] It doesn't necessarily...
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- It sounded like what I
thought Johnny was saying
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that you have a plan and
his experience is that
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sometimes you start the
bath when you have a plan.
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- Anyone that takes baths knows that
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you can't control when you take the bath.
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- Have you ever been to Two Bunch Palms?
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- No.
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- It's this silent resort.
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- He's never been. He
talks about it constantly.
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And he's never been.
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I've heard him tell someone
at the market that he went.
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And that was really scary.
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- I have done their
virtual tour many times.
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I know the layout.
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You know the virtual
tour, that you can click
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and you can walk?
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- Everyone knows what virtual tours are.
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- I don't know.
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- He does virtual tours constantly
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and it's gotten to a
point where I come home
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and he's in the corner with
the virtual reality mask on.
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- VR, yep.
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- Did you pick up my dry cleaning?
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(French cafe music)
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- Oh hey!
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- Did you pick up my dry cleaning?
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- Let me just check.
I have a list in here.
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I'm inside of my list.
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- Well, do you understand what it is
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that Kate hates about that?
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- I guess so, but...
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- I'm choosing not to speak.
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- [Johnny] You just spoke.
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She's processing.
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- We really need to wind down for today.
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Who's paying for your session today?
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- Whoo, I am beat. Beat as a horse.
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- So somebody really needs to.
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- Thank you so much,
this was really wonderful
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Thank you, it was great. Yep.
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- This was really wonderful.
Thank you so much.
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- Yup, okay well, we'll be
in touch with everybody.
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(French music)
13252
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