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1
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:14,881
>> SO, WHAT WE DO, WE TAKE A
2
00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:16,652
LITTLE BIT OF SNOW, AND YOU
3
00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:19,390
SPRINKLE IT ON THE WREATH, JUST
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LIKE THIS.
5
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:20,653
YOU LIKE THAT?
6
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>> OH, LOVELY.
7
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:22,785
HOW MUCH FOR A BAG?
8
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>> Trent: LOOK AT THESE
9
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BASTARDS -- PUTTING COCAINE ON
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INNOCENT CHRISTMAS WREATHS.
11
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NOT IN MY SAN DIEGO.
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FREEZE! NTSF.
13
00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:35,169
>> NTSF? WHAT BRANCH?
14
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>> Trent: THIS BRANCH.
15
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>> AAH!
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>> Trent: MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND
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HAVE A DEADLY NEW YEAR.
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MISTAKES WERE MADE.
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I GOT BAD INTEL.
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>> Kove: MORE THAN MISTAKES.
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THOSE WERE INNOCENT PEOPLE.
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IT WAS JUST A CHRISTMAS-TREE
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LOT.
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>> Trent: WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO
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SAY?
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IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND
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UNSTAB THAT GUY IN THE NECK, I
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PROBABLY WOULD.
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I'D PROBABLY DO A LOT OF
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THINGS -- MAKE SURE HITLER WENT
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TO ART SCHOOL, INVEST IN CROCS,
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MARRY BILL GATES' WIFE SO I'D BE
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RICH.
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00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:00,933
>> Kove: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
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YOU GOT SOME SLEEP?
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00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:03,496
>> Trent: NOW.
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00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:04,667
>> Kove: NO, THAT WAS BLINKING.
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I MEAN ACTUAL SLEEP.
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>> Trent: WHEN WAS I IN THAT
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NEUROTOXIN-INDUCED COMA?
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>> Kove: '09.
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>> Trent: '09, THEN.
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>> Kove: OKAY, THAT'S IT.
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YOU'RE SUSPENDED INDEFINITELY.
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>> Trent: WHAT?
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>> Kove: I WANT YOUR GUN, YOUR
47
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BADGE, YOUR PHONE, AND YOUR
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"FAR SIDE" CALENDAR.
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00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:15,605
TRENT, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU LIKE
50
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THIS SINCE OUR WEDDING NIGHT.
51
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>> Trent: WHICH ONE?
52
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>> Kove: THE SECOND ONE.
53
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OH, AND ONE MORE THING.
54
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I WANT THE KEYS TO YOUR S.U.V.
55
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>> Trent: YOU WOULDN'T DARE.
56
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>> Kove: TRENT, YOU GOT TO TAKE
57
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SOME TIME, GET YOUR HEAD
58
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STRAIGHT.
59
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>> Trent: OH, YOU LIKE GIVING
60
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:26,947
ORDERS?
61
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TOO BAD I'M NOT A WAITER.
62
00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:29,422
I'M A GOER, AND I'M GETTING A
63
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YELLOW LIGHT FROM YOU, BUT I'M
64
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NO CHICKEN.
65
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:32,532
I'M A MAN, AND MY FISTS ARE MY
66
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FRIENDS, AND YOU ARE NO
67
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CHANDLER BING.
68
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>> DIEGO!
69
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>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH
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* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH
71
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>> DIEGO!
72
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>> Kove: WHILE TRENT IS...ON
73
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LEAVE, THE TOP AGENT FROM
74
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,716
NTSF: PORTLAND HAS AGREED TO
75
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EXTEND HIS VISIT AND LEND A
76
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HELPING HAND.
77
00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:00,616
>> Piper: PORTLAND, MAINE, OR
78
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PORTLAND, OREGON?
79
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,285
>> MAINE IS FOR PUSSIES.
80
00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:04,961
>> Kove: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
81
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MAY I PRESENT VAN VAN DAMM,
82
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OREGON'S MOST DECORATED AGENT.
83
00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:10,400
>> Trent: BIG DEAL.
84
00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:11,798
THEY GIVE OUT CITATIONS FOR DRUM
85
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CIRCLES IN PORTLAND.
86
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:15,240
>> AH, TRENT HAUSER, JEALOUS AS
87
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EVER.
88
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>> Trent: VAN VAN DAMM, CRIPPLE
89
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AS EVER.
90
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:19,906
>> SOMEDAY I'LL WALK AGAIN, BUT
91
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YOU'LL ALWAYS BE AN A-HOLE.
92
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>> Trent: I'M GONNA VOTE AGAINST
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STEM-CELL RESEARCH EVERY CHANCE
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I GET.
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SEE YOU ALL IN HELL!
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[ OFF-KEY CHORDS PLAY ]
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[ GRUNTING ]
98
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FOUR-LETTER WORD FOR "TURKEY
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MEAT CHOICE"?
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WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!
101
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[ GRUNTING ]
102
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[ GRUNTING ]
103
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>> MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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>> SIT REP, PEOPLE.
105
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TELL ME WHAT YOU GOT.
106
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:03,349
>> Alphonse: REAL LIGHTSABERS
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AT COMIC CON.
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>> NO!
109
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>> Sam: STALIN'S DNA WAS STOLEN
110
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FROM A MOBILE CLONING LAB
111
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:09,660
>> NO!
112
00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:10,457
>> Sam: WHOA!
113
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>> Piper: MEXICO'S MOVING ITS
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BORDER TWO INCHES NORTH EVERY 28
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DAYS.
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>> NO!
117
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16 HOP STREET, WHAT DO YOU GOT?
118
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>> SOMEONE'S BEEN COUNTERFEITING
119
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CLASS RINGS, AND A SOPHOMORE
120
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NAMED TODD WILSON'S FIXING THE
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J.V. BASKETBALL GAMES.
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>> NO!
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ALL OF THIS IS DINKY.
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DINKY DOO!
125
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>> Alphonse: "DINKY DOO"?
126
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>> I'VE GOT A TIP ON TERRORIST
127
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CELLS.
128
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>> Alphonse: WE'RE ALREADY
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MONITORING ALL TERRORIST CELLS.
130
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>> NOT TERRORIST CELLS,
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TERRORIST CELLS.
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THEY'RE PROGRAMMING CELLPHONES
133
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TO CAUSE BRAIN EXPLOSIONS.
134
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>> Piper: HE'S GOOD.
135
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>> GIRLFRIEND, I'M VAN DAMM
136
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GOOD.
137
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[ APPLAUSE ]
138
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I WANT YOU IN YOUR S.U.V.s IN
139
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SIX MINUTES.
140
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>> Alphonse: THIS GUY'S A
141
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KEEPER.
142
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[ TIRES SCREECH ]
143
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>> AT CHRISTMASTIME, EVERYONE
144
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USES A CELLPHONE.
145
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EVERYONE LIKES A CELLPHONE.
146
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WE'RE GOING TO USE THE CELLPHONE
147
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AS A WEAPON.
148
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PONCH, YOU'RE GOING TO OVERRIDE
149
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THE SYSTEMS.
150
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THAT WILL SEND A MASSIVE BLAST
151
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OF RADIATION INTO EVERYBODY'S
152
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HEADS.
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POOF, IT'S GONNA BE INSTANT
154
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BRAIN EXPLOSION.
155
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WE'RE GOING TO SEND SAN DIEGO A
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VERY SPECIAL INSTANT MESSAGE.
157
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"SAN DIEGO, YOU'RE DEAD."
158
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[ LAUGHTER ]
159
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"L.O.L."
160
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HUH?
161
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:31,137
>> Piper: I DON'T THINK HE KNOWS
162
00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,068
WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN.
163
00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:33,472
>> YOU ALL TAKE POSITIONS AROUND
164
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THE PERIMETER, AND WHEN THE
165
00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:35,708
MOMENT COMES, WE'LL GET THE JUMP
166
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ON HIM.
167
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:37,453
>> Alphonse: HOW DO WE KNOW WHEN
168
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TO ATTACK?
169
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>> OH, YOU'LL KNOW.
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NTSF!
171
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:47,093
>> WATCH OUT!
172
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HE'S GOT A WHEELCHAIR!
173
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>> HYA-A-A-A-A-A-A-H!
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[ GUNFIRE ]
175
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>> FINALLY, WE GOT TRENT HAUSER
176
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HOME ALONE.
177
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THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT MOVIE.
178
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>> Both: "RISKY BUSINESS"!
179
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,504
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
180
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>> MAN, THIS IS TOO EASY.
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I'M GONNA TORTURE HIS BALLS.
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>> Trent: NOT IF I PORTRAIT YOUR
183
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BELLS FIRST.
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MY HOUSE IS SURROUNDED.
185
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NO GUN, NO CELLPHONE, NO
186
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NTSF:SD-ISSUED S.U.V.
187
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I'M COMPLETELY CUT OFF.
188
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[ DOORKNOB JIGGLES ]
189
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>> [ GRUNTS ]
190
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>> Trent: [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
191
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[ SIGHS ]
192
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TIME TO POOL MY RESOURCES.
193
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[ BEEP ]
194
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>> AAH! WHAT THE?!
195
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OH!
196
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[ ELECTRICITY BUZZING ]
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ELECTRIC EELS!
198
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:48,678
AAH!
199
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:49,922
>> Trent: [ LAUGHS ]
200
00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:51,487
YOU TELL ME WHO SENT YOU, AND
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00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:52,485
I'LL CALL THEM OFF.
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>> IT WAS VAN DAMM!
203
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VAN DAMM! AAH!
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>> Trent: VAN DAMM?
205
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I GOT TO GO ALERT THE TEAM.
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[ BUZZING ]
207
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WHOA!
208
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,826
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
209
00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:34,193
>> Trent: [ SCREAMING ]
210
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:35,934
>> COME ON! COME ON!
211
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:37,159
>> Trent: AAH!
212
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:40,034
>> [ LAUGHS ]
213
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:40,973
[ ENGINE REVS ]
214
00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:42,838
HA!
215
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:43,966
>> AAH!
216
00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:45,941
[ GRUNTING ]
217
00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:46,569
AAH!
218
00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:48,784
>> Trent: IT'S GOOD TO BE GNOME
219
00:06:48,776 --> 00:06:50,676
FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
220
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:55,784
>> LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE ALL
221
00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:58,293
OUT OF ROLLOVER MINUTES.
222
00:06:58,285 --> 00:06:59,145
>> Alphonse: WHOA.
223
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:00,292
I THINK YOU HAVE THOSE GUNS
224
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:01,287
POINTED THE WRONG WAY.
225
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:02,758
>> Piper: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE,
226
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:03,156
VAN DAMM?
227
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:05,726
>> ARE ALL ALASKANS THIS DUMB?
228
00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:07,156
>> Piper: I'M ACTUALLY FROM
229
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:07,960
SAN DIEGO.
230
00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:09,001
HE'S FROM ALASKA.
231
00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:10,726
>> THERE IS NO TERRORIST CELL
232
00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:12,031
PLOT.
233
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:14,002
THESE ARE JUST CHILDREN'S TOYS.
234
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:16,041
[ RINGTONE PLAYS, GUNS COCK ]
235
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,836
>> AH. L.O.L.
236
00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:19,208
>> Alphonse: YOU PROBABLY DON'T
237
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:20,566
EVEN NEED THAT WHEELCHAIR.
238
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:21,644
>> NO. ACTUALLY, I DO.
239
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,042
MY PARENTS THOUGHT VACCINES WERE
240
00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:24,213
FOR PUSSIES, SO...BUMMER.
241
00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:25,711
>> Piper: WHAT DO YOU WANT,
242
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:26,183
VAN DAMM?
243
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,619
>> SAME THING I'VE ALWAYS
244
00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:29,045
WANTED -- TO WORK IN THE HOTBED
245
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,819
OF TERRORISM, SAN DIEGO.
246
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:33,189
YEAR AFTER YEAR, MY REQUESTS
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WERE DENIED.
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YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR GOLDEN BOY,
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AND HIS NAME WAS TRENT HAUSER.
250
00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:39,755
SO I JUST HAD TO MAKE HIM A
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LITTLE LESS GOLDEN.
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>> Piper: THE CHRISTMAS-TREE
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LOT.
254
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>> THAT'S RIGHT.
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I FED HIM SOME BAD INTEL, MADE
256
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HIM SEEM LIKE A MAD DOG, AND YOU
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ALL BOUGHT IT.
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>> Alphonse: YEAH, WELL, HE'LL
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STOP YOU.
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>> UH, 'FRAID NOT.
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ACCORDING TO MY WATCH, MY TWO
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00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,344
BEST MEN ARE MAKING HIM DEAD
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00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:57,109
RIGHT NOW.
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>> Trent: NO. NO!
265
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,953
DAMN IT! THEY SABOTAGED MY CAR!
266
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:05,919
[ SCOFFS ]
267
00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:06,719
I NEED YOUR MOWER!
268
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:07,220
>> OH, MY GOSH!
269
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:08,290
>> Trent: GIVE ME YOUR MOWER!
270
00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:10,018
>> OH! FRANK!
271
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:11,863
TRENT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
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00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,740
[ GUNS COCK ]
273
00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:39,685
[ ENGINE REVVING ]
274
00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:42,957
TIME TO CAUSE SOME VAN DAMM-AGE!
275
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:53,770
>> AAAH!
276
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,337
>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED A
277
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:56,365
TRIM!
278
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,339
>> OH!
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00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,207
AAH! MY LEGS!
280
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:01,066
MY NON-WORKING LEGS!
281
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:03,644
I CAN'T FEEL THIS, BUT I KNOW
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00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:06,084
IT'S STILL TRAUMATIC!
283
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:07,409
>> Trent: I MAY ALWAYS BE AN
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00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:09,024
A-HOLE, BUT YOU'LL NEVER WALK
285
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:11,986
AGAIN.
286
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:13,745
>> AAH!
287
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,564
AAH!
288
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,129
>> Kove: TRENT, WE ALL CHIPPED
289
00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:20,985
IN AND GOT YOU A GIFT.
290
00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:25,304
>> Trent: MY GUN AND BADGE?
291
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:26,898
>> Kove: WELCOME BACK, TRENT.
292
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,370
>> Trent: REALLY CHEAPED-OUT ON
293
00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:29,068
THIS GIFT.
294
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,369
I GOT YOU GUYS ALL BLU-RAY
295
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:31,040
PLAYERS.
296
00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:32,708
>> Piper: I WONDER HOW VAN DAMM
297
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:34,106
IS CELEBRATING HIS CHRISTMAS.
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00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:35,207
>> Trent: WHO CARES?
299
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,408
THE GUY'S BAD NEWS -- ALWAYS
300
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:36,909
BEEN.
301
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,050
>> Kove: I THOUGHT HE WAS
302
00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:38,675
CHARMING.
303
00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:39,909
>> Piper: YOU JUST CAN'T STAY
304
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:40,813
MAD AT VAN DAMM.
305
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:41,954
>> Alphonse: YEAH, FOR A
306
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:43,279
NON-ESKIMO DUDE, HE WAS PRETTY
307
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:43,823
COOL.
308
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,187
>> Sam: IT'S AS IF HE WASN'T IN
309
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,215
A WHEELCHAIR AT ALL.
310
00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:47,919
>> IF I FELT EMOTION, I WOULD
311
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:48,461
LOVE HIM.
312
00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:50,155
>> Trent: HE SET YOU ALL UP TO
313
00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:50,957
BE KILLED.
314
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:52,088
>> Kove: NOW, TRENT.
315
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,332
IT'S CHRISTMAS, AND THAT MEANS
316
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:57,997
EVEN TERRORISTS ARE FORGIVEN.
317
00:09:57,998 --> 00:10:01,028
>> All: * SILENT NIGHT
318
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,274
>> Alphonse: * OH, SILENT
319
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:02,899
NIGHT *
320
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:05,813
>> All: * HOLY NIGHT
321
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,106
>> Alphonse: * HOLIEST OF
322
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:07,807
NIGHTS *
323
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:10,908
>> All: * ALL IS CALM
324
00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:12,011
>> Alphonse: * ALL IS CALM
325
00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:14,152
>> All: * ALL IS BRIGHT
326
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:15,277
>> Alphonse: * AIN'T IT BRIGHT
327
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:15,922
OUTSIDE? *
328
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,016
>> All: * ROUND YON VIRGIN
329
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:17,887
>> HEY!
330
00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:19,885
>> Alphonse: * SHE WAS A
331
00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:20,817
VIRGIN *
332
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:21,721
>> HELP!
333
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,155
>> All: * MOTHER AND CHILD
334
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,356
>> Alphonse: * WHO WAS THERE,
335
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:24,927
TOO? *
336
00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:26,185
>> IS ANYONE GONNA ARREST ME OR
337
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:27,333
BRING ME TO THE HOSPITAL OR
338
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:29,427
SOMETHING?
339
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:31,869
HELLO?
340
00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:33,895
UGH, THIS SUCKS.
341
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:38,241
>> All: * SLEEP IN HEAVENLY
342
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:42,738
PEACE *
343
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:51,353
* SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE
344
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:52,391
>> Kove: MERRY CHRISTMAS.
345
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:53,485
>> Piper: MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,316
>> Sam: MAZEL TOV.
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00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,421
[ GUN COCKS ]
348
00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:57,462
>> HEY, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
349
00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,357
YOU DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!
350
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:01,189
THIS AIN'T HANUKKAH!
351
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:02,234
[ SLURPS ]
21205
