All language subtitles for HAPPYish.S01E09_English

Thom:
Previously on "Happyish"...

Do you remember
when we first met?

I came in here and I said,

"Hey, Larry Nash,
love your work.

I just started here."
And you know what you said?

- What?
- I'm sorry to hear that.

Come on,
you can't fire Larry.

He's just had a baby.

They're stock photos.

He puts them up
so we don't fire him.

That's genius.

- They moved your office.
- Why?

This is the new
ideation room.

- Lee: An ideation room?
- Thom: An ideation room.

Contemplation corner.

Well, you know,
to be fair,

it helps with
the "au-think-ification."

Ah.

These may be
our enemies abroad.

These are
our enemies at home.

- Parents.
- Fuckin' boomers.

Thom, you feel bad
about every Army assignment.

That's why we love you.

Maybe I should enlist.

I'll bring Julius.
Take your son to war day.

I'm hoping we don't get
that desperate.

( both laugh )

* If you're happy
and you know it *

* Clap your hands

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're
happy and you know it *

* Then motherfucking
show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it *

* Clap your
motherfucking hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it *

* Clap your hands!

( woman screaming )

- ( screaming stops )
- Sorry. ( chuckles )

What's up?

Um...

Thom, uh...

Larry committed
suicide last night.

What?

I just--
I found out this morning.

Dani sent me an article.

He'd been having
trouble at home, and...

uh, he...

What are you talking about?

He was recently
terminated

at his longtime place
of employment.

He had a fight
with his wife.

Debbie: They'd been
having troubles.

Jonathan: And he said
he was gonna kill himself.

He went down in the cellar--
the... propane tanks.

( voice breaking )
His wife and kids

got out just--
just in time.

Jonathan:
Yeah.

And they don't know
if he was trying to--

you know, if he was trying
to kill them too.

( yelps )

( gasps )

Thom: The thing about suicide,
I think, is this.

We get it.

We totally get it.

Ending it,
throwing in the towel.

Fuck it.
Fuck all of it.

We don't condone it.
We don't forgive it.

But we totally,
totally get it.

( phone dials )

( line ringing )

Larry: Hey, this is Larry.
Leave me a message,

and I'll return it as soon
as possible. Thanks.

( line beeps )

Hey, Larry.
It's Thom.

Uh, I just
was in the office,

and I-- I heard you killed
yourself last night.

So I just thought I'd call

on behalf
of the office and, uh,

your friends and your family

and your wife
and your kids,

and I thought I'd just
call you and tell you

what a piece-of-shit pussy
I think you are.

You're a huge, huge fucking
piece-of-shit pussy, Larry.

So fuck you.

Fuck you,
you fucking pussy fuck!

Jonathan: This has been
a tough morning for all of us.

So let's-- let's just
try and get through this

as quickly as possible,
okay?

Yes, let's--
let's dive right in.

Well, it's very simple.

The problem
for the Army is this.

The country is doing well.

The economy goes down,
enlistment goes up.

The economy goes up,

better options,
enlistment tanks.

Yeah, we're having
the same problem

on the frozen pizza
accounts.

Nobody eats that shit
when things are good.

Yeah, fuckin' recovery.

Whole thing is just a plot
to weaken the military.

Guess Obama really is
a secret Muslim.

- Right, Thom?
- What?

Gottfrid: I mean, Michelle,
surely there must be

a recession
around the corner or so.

Michelle:
We should be so lucky.

Unfortunately,
all economic indicators

point to continued growth.

My suggestion...
fear.

The economy
might be getting better,

but the world is
as dangerous as it ever was.

Don't let the numbers
fool you.

We need to remind people
of this.

We need to say it's not over.

Not by a long shot.

- Thom: The boogeyman.
- Exactly.

McCarthyism.

Yeah, it worked
for McCarthy.

We had red scare.

We had
yellow peril.

Welcome to the new
"turban dread."

- I like that.
- Debbie: Yeah.

Fear is effective
in any economy.

But doesn't it
need a color?

You know, red scare,
yellow menace.

What about
something with sand?

Like, uh--
like the desert.

Sand... band.
Sand brand?

What about something
with Muhammad?

Thom?

Like, uh,
"Even mo' Hammad"?

Tracey:
They want a color, Mikal.

Ooh.
Harem scare 'em.

How is that a color?

What about the color
of their turbans? White?

Oh, yeah. What about
"white fright"?

- That's good.
- Yeah, I like "white fright."

It sounds too much
like "white flight."

I think "turban dread"
is more specific.

What about
"tough Shiite"?

"Sunni Tunes"?

Announcer:
Amazing inventions.

Incredible products.

Welcome to
another episode of...

"I'll Take Two"
with your host Jimmy Zales.

( cheers and applause )

( audience chanting )
I'll take two! I'll take two!

( with Southern accent )
Okay.

Depression.

( audience groans
enthusiastically )

Anxiety.

( audience boos )

Doubt.

That creepy sensation
that life is meaningless

- and destined to fail you.
- ( audience groans )

You know, for centuries,
mankind has struggled

to try and find solutions
to these problems.

But, ladies and gentlemen,
today we have one.

I give you the world's first

do-it-yourself-at-home
lobotomy kit.

( cheering )

Now, the problem is not
disease or war or anxiety.

The problem is our brain.

( audience boos )

Specifically,
the prefrontal cortex.

( audience boos )

Now, about 50 years ago,

a real smart guy called
Dr. Antonio Moniz,

uh, clever
little Portuguese guy.

He wondered what would happen

if we got rid
of that horrible cortex.

Wouldn't people be happier?

( audience
shouts in agreement )

And the answer is yes.

( cheering )

Now, I know some of you guys
are thinking,

"Hey, Jimmy, that sounds
a little crazy."

You know how crazy that is?

You know what they gave
Dr. Moniz?

Audience members:
What?

You know what they gave
that little guy?

Audience:
What?

The Nobel Prize!

( cheers and applause )

That's right.
For this.

( audience chanting )
I'll take two! I'll take two!

Gottfrid: I'll tell you
what the Army needs to do.

Have you seen
that yogurt video?

The one with, uh--
with the bear.

Chobani.

Mm,
I thought it was Dannon.

The one with the bear
on the street?

- That was Yoplait.
- Gottfrid: Yeah.

- Chobani.
- Are you sure?

- Anyways, have you seen it?
- Debbie: Yeah.

No, I have not.

Okay, so their whole
marketing strategy

is natural ingredients.
Typical, yeah?

The TV campaign, average.

So they have the bear
walk into the store

looking for
the natural ingredients

and they give him the yogurt.

Whatever. It's not winning
any One Show awards.

But the digital campaign
is fantastic.

They set up all these little
hidden cameras everywhere,

and they put a guy
inside of a crazy,

realistic
grizzly bear suit.

Yeah, some sort of
a robotic sort of thing.

And they let him loose on
the streets of New York, yeah?

People are freaking out.

Video went viral overnight.

Viral.
So we're viruses now, right?

That bother anybody else?

They call it
prank-vertising.

It's ridiculous.

It's immersive
product engagement.

Regardless,
the Chobani video

got over 4 million
YouTube hits, okay?

30,000 social shares.

I mean,
did you see the LG one?

That one was really cool.

They do a film of a comet
hitting the city center,

and the screen
is so realistic

that people think, like,
doomsday is happening.

You should see that,
Jonathan.

It's-- it's funny,
but it's dead-on strategy.

I mean,
17 million YouTube views.

Last time I checked,
over a million social shares.

What does this have to do
with the Army?

Michelle was talking
about fear.

Now, you can tell someone
to be afraid of a bear.

You can tell them
how dangerous they are.

And maybe they believe you
and maybe they don't.

But you put a bear
in the streets,

you don't have to convince
them of anything, okay?

So, what
if we took a town, hmm?

Middle of the country.

Heartland.
Yeah?

Thom, this is your account.

You tell us where.

And we pick a day.

Yeah. Easter.
When Jesus was born.

That's when Jesus
rose from the dead.

Even better. Even better.

And so everyone is coming out
of the churches, yeah?

And they're on their way
to baseball games

and barbecues
and apple pie, yeah?

Then, all of a sudden,

a bunch of Muslim terrorists

go running right into
the church's parking lot.

( screaming )

Gottfrid: Two or three,
you know, pickup trucks

full of militants,

and they're shooting
their AKs in the air

- and yelling in Arabic.
- ( yelling in Arabic )

Gottfrid: Imagine it--
the look of terror

on all the villagers' faces.

Some of them scream
and some of them are running

and some of them
just throw their hands up

and they surrender
and they just--

they don't
know what to do.

Some of them
are calling for their kids

and calling for help,
and they're screaming.

Then we cut right up
to the leader.

Creepy little smile.

And then the title comes up,
and it goes,

"This isn't over.

Stay strong. Army strong."

I mean, Thom,
you can work on the line,

but the video'll go viral
overnight.

Guaranteed it blows up
the Internet.

And we'll double
the enlistment numbers

of any month
in the past three years.

That is wrong on every
moral and ethical level

I can think of.

Thank you.

But Christ Almighty,
it would work like gangbusters.

( snorts )
Hell, I'd enlist.

( all chuckle )

Thom, you know
the general better than--

( glass breaks )

Jonathan:
God damn it.

Jesus.

( sighs )

When is the Army meeting?

An hour.

Fuck you, Larry.

You're not
quitting your job, Thom.

I am. I have to.

Fine, honey, maybe you will,

but now is not the time
to consider it

when Larry just
fucking killed himself.

Maybe it is, Lee.

Maybe this
is the best time.

No, it's not.

Do you know what I thought
the second that you told me?

I thought, "I'm taking
Julius to Hebrew school."

Lee, come on.

Death fucks
with our heads, Thom.

I mean, I thought,

"Maybe he should learn
about his past.

Maybe he should know
about his traditions.

Maybe I should give him
something of meaning,

something spiritual,
something fuckin' holy,

for fuck's sake.

Or maybe, I don't know,
quit my job."

You know what Larry
told me

when we first met
20 years ago?

He said, "If I'm still
in advertising when I'm 40,

do me a favor.

Come find me and blow
my fucking brains out."

Hey, you can't sit here.

Why not?

Can't sit here.

I guess he just decided,
you know,

not to wait for me.

Thom,
Larry did not kill himself

because he was
in advertising.

If anything, he killed himself
because he wasn't.

I can't spend my whole life
like this, Lee. I can't.

Let's go, pal.
Move it.

Welcome one another
as Christ welcomed you.

- That's Romans 15.
- Thom, who you talking to?

This guard's trying to throw me
off the goddamn church steps.

Okay, just go, Thom.
Don't make it any worse.

I have to write, Lee.
I have to make a change.

I'm not gonna ask you again.

All right. Okay.
Can I stand?

- Is it okay if I just stand?
- You can stand where you like.

Thank you.
God, that new Pope's

really loosening
things up, isn't he?

Lee:
Thom. Thom?

Yes.

Thom, just come home.

I can't.
I'm seeing Dani.

Thom,
this is Larry's tragedy.

It's not yours.

Don't make it your tragedy.

Jonathan:
Did you try his cell phone?

Twice.

- Did you text him?
- Three times.

Fuck.

Go down and wait for him
in the lobby.

Got it.

When he gets here, tell him
to get his melodramatic ass

into the motherfucking
Army meeting.

General.
How are you, sir?

- Good, good. How are you?
- Good to see you.

Dani:
You're not quitting, Thom.

I am. I am.

I can't do this anymore.

I have to. You've gotta
find me something else.

"Here lies Thom Payne.

Wrote some
Army commercials."

"Provided for
his wife and son."

"Wrote taglines
instead of novels."

"Put his family's needs
before his own."

"Lived, ate shit, died."

What does Lee think?

Why do you always wanna know
what Lee thinks?

Because she's smarter
than you are.

Thom, Larry did not
kill himself

because he worked
in advertising.

He killed himself
because he is a fucking coward.

And probably because he
no longer worked in advertising.

I keep thinking about God.

Is he hiring?

Oh, not me.
I'm a fallen Catholic.

You know,
God hates suicide.

Do you know why?
Because he's a control freak.

Because he gets to decide
who dies and when.

That's part of the fun
of being God.

He creates these creatures

and-- and gets
to push 'em around,

but then one day
the creatures realize,

"Hey, we can
kill ourselves.

We can check out of this
shitty hotel any time we like,"

and that drives God crazy.

He's a classic
type-A personality.

That's what I'm saying.

See, I find believing
in God comforting.

Believing in God?
You don't believe in anything.

Well, not a good God.
A bad God.

Do you remember
the watchmaker's analogy?

Remind me.

It's that
teleological bullshit

they used
to teach us in school

where you're walking
through a desert

and you see
a watch in the sand,

and it has all
these intricate gears

and shifts and
beautiful engraving...

And anything that, uh,
beautiful and perfect

must have been built
by somebody.

Yes. And this makes
you feel better?

Do you want another round?

Uh, yeah. Fuck it.

I believe in
the Swatch-maker analogy.

Something this shitty
and cheap and ugly

could not possibly
be an accident.

Shit this bad
doesn't just happen.

Nope. Not at all.

Somebody had to unintelligently
design this pile of crap.

( laughs )

Woman: Okay, kids.
Who's ready to sing?

Here we go.

All:
* We obey His rules

* He's a powerful God

* When God says jump,
we say how high... *

Very good!

- I wanna go.
- All right, soon, buddy.

Why are they wearing
those hats?

Oh, those are called
yarmulkes.

That's what Jews wear.

Am I a Jew?

Yeah, you are.
So am I.

Is Dad a Jew?

Uh, no.

He's lucky.

* Don't watch TV
or smoke cigars... *

- I wanna go.
- Okay, soon. Soon.

* Shabbos is the day
we pray... *

What's Shabbos?

Oh, that--
that means "Saturday."

They sure like Saturday.

Well, yeah. Who doesn't?
Saturdays are awesome.

Great job. Give yourselves
a round of applause.

Did you have a good time?

Children:
Yes.

And who do we thank
when we had a good time?

- Children: God.
- Why?

'Cause he's the ruler
of the universe?

Well, that's debatable.

And why did he give us
a good time?

Because we obeyed
his commandments?

- That's exactly right.
- That's not true.

Woman: All right, I think
it's time for a little

"Hashem is Here," okay?

* Hashem is here,
Hashem is there... *

- Who's Hashem?
- That's Hebrew for "God."

What's God?

Ugh...
I'll explain it later.

He sounds strict.

Well, you know,
He runs a tight ship.

How can Hashem
be everywhere?

I don't know.

Is he here now?

Uh, I guess so.

Is he there when I sleep?

( sighs ) You know, why don't
we talk about it in the car?

Let's go.

Is he there when I poop?

Okay, shh.
Go, go, go, go, go.

* Hashem is here,
Hashem is there *

* Hashem is truly
everywhere... *

Can I take a cookie?

- Mm.
- Please.

Okay, but just one.

This is how
they get you, you know.

It's a gateway cookie.

Pretty soon you're gonna
be asking for a tallis.

- What's a tallis?
- Oh, it's like a cape.

Well, I want a cape.

Well, you're not
getting a cape. Go.

( phone ringing )

General:
Is this some kind of joke?

We know it's out of the box
for you guys,

but immersive product
engagement

can really move the needle.
Worked wonders for Chobani.

Where's Thom?

Uh, Thom actually
got called away.

Did he approve this?

General,
your numbers are down.

And they're going
to continue to go down

unless you do something
memorable--

General: Son,
are you really proposing

that we send
a team of actors

into an American
small town

and pretend
it's a terrorist takeover?

Yes.

This is just
one idea, obviously.

You folks are aware,
are you not,

that America
has the highest

gun per capita ratio
of any nation in the world?

There's 300 million
guns out there.

The second closest
is Serbia.

We are aware of that,
General.

We think
that gun-ownership number

reflects a unique
paranoia opportunity

that a staged
terrorist takeover

can play really well into.

The Army is not yogurt.

We don't engage in pranks.

And while we can debate
whether or not

gun ownership
indicates paranoia,

there's no doubt that
what it does indicate

is the very heavy
presence of guns.

I don't know what it's like
where you're from, son,

but you take
a handful of actors,

dress them up like
Islamic terrorists,

and drive them into the middle
of small-town America,

I can assure you of one
thing and one thing only.

There will be so many
bullet holes in those actors,

their own mothers
won't recognize them.

Fuck you, Larry.

Thom: I'll call them.

Yeah, you're goddamn right
you're gonna call 'em.

I was with Dani.

Oh, fuck you, Thom.

I don't care if
you were with God.

If you wanna quit, quit.

Don't take me down with you.

I am killing myself
keeping the Swedes off you.

I am protecting you
at every turn.

The Army is your biggest
goddamn account.

You're gonna fuck around?
Come on.

I can't
do this anymore, Jon.

I can't. It's--
it's always been sick,

but lately
it's just gotten viral.

It's a job, Thom.

It's supposed to suck.

The cavemen
didn't like hunting,

but they did it
to stay alive.

The lion doesn't like
chasing the gazelle,

but he does it every day.

And I'll tell you
something else.

The day
the lion asks himself

if he's right
to kill the gazelle

is the day the lion dies.

Make it right
with the general today.

I was sorry to hear
about Larry, Thom.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

We had a saying during
Operation Iraq Freedom, right?

Embrace the suck.

( both chuckle )

Yeah, you'd see it
written sometimes,

"ETS," on walls, on boots.

You gotta just
embrace the suck.

It's true for life too.

Yeah, uh, look, General,

I'm sorry I bailed
on the meeting.

I just wasn't in the mood

to talk about death
and destruction today.

Yeah, no shit.

I remember when I first
joined the military.

All us young soldiers
prided ourselves, right,

on our willingness to die
for each other, for our country.

We thought it was the bravest
thing you could do.

And then you get older.

And you fall in love
and you get married

and you have some kids.

And you realize it's a far
braver thing to stay alive.

It's not
what you'll die for.

It's what in this
sometimes shitty world

you'll stay alive for.

Yeah.

Gotta say, it's, uh, strange
accepting that level of wisdom

from someone with 35
confirmed kills.

37.

Oh, sorry.
My mistake.

( both chuckle )

Thom as Jimmy Zales:
Depression.

( audience boos
enthusiastically )

- Anguish.
- ( audience boos )

- Self-awareness.
- ( audience boos )

I hate that.

Don't know what to do
with your hands.

( laughter )

Incidents of depression
after lobotomy--

zero.

( cheers and applause )

Incidents of drug abuse
after lobotomy--

zero.

( cheers and applause )

Incidents of suicide
after lobotomy--

Audience:
Zero!

You know. You know.
That's why-- all right.

That's right.

Buy one, get a second one

for a parent or a loved one
half price.

That's why we say...

"I'll take two!"

Lee:
What about love, Thom?

You'll take--
what?

After a lobotomy.

You'll never feel sadness,

but you'll also
never feel love.

Never feel joy.

( in normal voice ) Yes, but
you don't feel pain either.

Is that worth it, Thom?

Is it worth it
to never feel pain again

if you'll also
never feel love?

I don't know.

I don't know.

You don't know?

There's a-- there's a--
a free carrying case.

You have to order it today.

( sighs )

Thom: When I was a teenager,
my grandmother died.

She and my grandfather
had been married for 60 years,

and as soon as she died,
he began to get sick.

The doctor said
he had given up,

that his body
didn't want to live.

"Go and talk to him,"
said my mother.

"Tell him.
Tell him to live."

So I went to him and I said,
"Grandpa, you should live."

And he said, "Why?"
He said, "I've had a good life.

But without my Phyllis,
I just don't want to be here."

I decided that was all
I ever wanted out of life,

to meet someone
I didn't want to live without.

Mm.

Um, just so you know,

when we get really old,

like crazy, shrunken old,

and we're in diapers,

if you die before me,

I'm totally
gonna kill myself.

Oh, no doubt.
Me too.

Yeah.
I mean that night.

Check, please.

Yeah. Good.

How are you
gonna do it?

Mm, I don't know.

Bag of shrooms.

Wait for 'em to kick in,

and then just walk
into the ocean.

I want something quick,
though, you know?

Handgun?

- That's too clichéd.
- Mm.

Someone's gotta
clean up the mess.

No, um...

Head in the oven?

Too German.

Plastic bag
on your head?

Yeah, but then, you know,
what kind of bag?

You don't wanna be staring
at a Target logo

as you shuffle off
your mortal coil.

Barnes & Noble bag?

Yeah,
but, you know, that's--

even then,
you're staring at that

fucking
James Joyce woodcut.

Maybe you could get
Virginia Woolf.

Mm.

Maybe I could just
fuck myself to death.

You know, get a room

full of hookers and booze
and blow and...

cookies.

And just fuck and fuck
until my heart gives way

and I just drop dead.

I mean,
you only die once, right?

( line ringing )

Larry: Hey, this is Larry.
Leave me a message,

and I'll return it as soon
as possible. Thanks.

- ( line beeps )
- Thom: Hey, Larry, it's Thom.

Listen, if you didn't
get my last message,

just, you know, delete it.

Okay. Bye, Larry.

( dial tone )