All language subtitles for HAPPYish.S01E02_English

Lee:
This is Carol Brady.

Carol was a supportive,
dedicated, loving mother,

which I think is probably
why I hated her.

Because my mother was
resentful and manipulative,

and watching
"The Brady Bunch"

only made me feel worse
about my own shitty mother.

I mean, look at her.
Whose mother looks like that?

You weren't helping, Carol,
with your perky little hairdo.

You were making me
feel worse,

because it's one thing
to have a shitty mother,

it's another to think
that you're the only one
with a shitty mother.

So fuck you,
Carol Brady.

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're
happy and you know it,
then motherfucking show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it, clap your
motherfucking hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands! *

Hola, I'm Dora,

and this is my wonderful
grandma Abuela.

Hola, this is my abuela.

Abuela is my grandma.

Can you say "abuela"?

Abuela.

- Great.
- Muy bien!

You said that
very well.

Dora:
Oh, Abuela,
sing us a song.

Boots:
Sing, sing!

Con mucho gusto.

* Mother's called madre *

* Papa is your dad

* Your padres
always love you *

* Even when you're bad.

Hey, buddy, what's the deal
with Dora's mom?

I don't know.

- I mean, where is she?
- I don't know.

- Didn't you ever see her?
- I don't know.

Weird, don't you think?
You never see her mom.

Dora's with Abuela.

Abuela is her grandma.

I know.
It's just weird.

All right,
come on, man.

We gotta go.
Let's not miss the bus.

* Mother's called madre... *

- All right,
fire under it, dude.
- * Papa is your dad

* Your padres
always love you... *

- Come on, come on, come on.
- * Even when you're bad.

* Mother's called madre... *

- Oh, my God. Okay.
- * Papa is your dad

* Padres always love you,
even when you're bad. *

- Here we go. Okay.
- ( singing continues )

Out. Out.
Stay positive.

Thom:
It's not a big deal, Jon.

I'm sure someone
just borrowed it.

Coups begin
with a whisper.

Uh, I thought
they began by cutting
off the king's head.

That's how they end.

They begin with
undetectable but undeniable
acts of derogation,

like stealing
someone's couch.

It's just
a fucking sofa, Jon.

Thom, for the dog
claiming his territory,

it isn't about the tree,
it's about the pissing.

That's what
corporate life is.

It's not about thinking
different or just doing it,

it's about
who's pissing where

and on whom
they are pissing.

Corporate America's
a German porno, Thom.

Someone just took a piss
in your office.

( sighs )

Fuck. Lorna!

- You want your couch
returned immediately...
- I want my fucking sofa

- and the name of the asshole...
- and the person who took it
held responsible.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, I'll find it.

Gottfrid's just called
a Keebler meeting.

A Keebler meeting?

What's Gottfrid doing
calling Keebler meetings?

He asked
that you be there.

It's in Roth.

- What?
- Roth.

What-- what's Roth?

Gustaff and Gottfrid renamed
all the conference rooms.

What-- why?

Because we're creative.

The conference rooms on 22
are named after writers,

the conference rooms on 23
are named after artists,

and the conference rooms
on 24 are named after
film directors.

- Philip or Henry?
- Philip or Henry what?

You said the Keebler
meeting was in Roth.

Is it Philip Roth
or Henry Roth?

There's a Henry Roth?

Just-- where
is the Keebler meeting?

It's across from Miller.

- Arthur or Henry?
- Frank.

There's a Frank Miller?

- He wrote "Batman."
- What the fuck?

Lee's voice:
See, that's why we live
in a bubble now--

me, Thom, Jules.

We've got this
happy little family

and I don't want the world
fuckin' with it.

No Facebook, no Twitter,
no nothing.

Don't fuck
with my fuckin' bubble.

Morning, Kevin.

Hey, there she is.

- There you go.
- Gracias.

Been working
on something big, huh?

Some big, new,
art-type thing?

Uh, no, not really.
Why?

Hang on.

( groans )

- Are you kidding me?
- No, I'm not.

There you go.

- God damn it.
- What is it?

It's a bubble violation.

Ew. Hey,
what's "bubbie" mean?

It's Yiddish for "cunt."

( laughs )
Hey, you need some help?

I got it.

Ugh.

( grunts )

( sighs )

( engine starts )

Woman's voice:
So I sent my grandson
a present.

Is that a crime?

I mean, even in Auschwitz
the children could have toys.

They didn't have toys
in Auschwitz, Ma.

Is there any
discussion with you

that doesn't come back
to the fuckin' Holocaust?

Oh, now it's
the "fucking" Holocaust.

Mazel tov.

God forbid he should
have a present

from his grandmother
once in a while.

Oh, guilt.

Holy shit,
what a surprise.

Ma, if you had wanted
to be a grandmother
to your grandson,

maybe you should have
tried being a mother
to your daughter.

( horn honks )

Hey! Asshole!

Chill out!

- Hey.
- Hey.

That box I just picked up--
do I have to keep it?

- You don't want it?
- I don't know yet.

Throw it away.

Well, it's not
about the box.

It's about letting
the person who sent it

know that I never
accepted it.

- Why?
- To hurt them.

- Father?
- Mother.

Ah, yeah.
"Revenge to sender."

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

Well, we're not supposed
to return to sender

once we hand it over
to the customer,

but a mother package...

Sure, bring it in.

Oh, thank you.
Okay.

Can I have till tomorrow?

- Tomorrow?
- I just don't know yet.

Did you tip me
last Christmas?

Yeah, 50 bucks.

Okay, one day.

And don't fuck it up
and drop it and shit, okay?

- Kevin!
- It's my ass on the line.

- Thank you.
- All right.

Thank you.

Thom:
They're elves, Gottfrid.

50-year-old elves, Thom.

Created in 1968
by Leo Burnett.

I mean, Leo himself
has been dead for 40 years.

When I told that
to the client,

they couldn't believe it.

Sorry, sorry.
You told that to my client?

I'm creative director
in this office, Thom.

I mean,
I tell clients if I think
they need new life.

We invited them
to our office tomorrow
to see new work.

Gottfrid, I've got
a Coke strategy meeting
all afternoon.

When the hell
am I gonna prepare
new work for tomorrow?

You're a busy man,
Thom.

We know that.

Gustaff had an idea
he wanted to share with you.

Oh, good.

So Keebler talks
about real, yes?

Real ingredients, real chips,
real, real, real,

and yet these
are their spokespeople.

Fakes, cartoons.

Why are you always trying
to get rid of elves?

( snaps fingers )

Ernie.

Ma.

J.J.

Fast Eddie.

We want to get rid
of the fake elves.

Thom,
these are real,

just like I'm real
and Keebler fudge is real.

Holy shit, Maya.
Midgets?

Do midgets test well?

Little people, Thom.

Maya:
Reality tests well
with the millenials, Thom.

We have been struggling with
the perception of the elves

as old and out of touch.

They've been asking
for something new.

Man:
Well, I can only speak
for the production department,

but if we never had
to animate another elf,

I'd be thrilled.

- Do you like this idea?
- Yes.

I think it's at least
worth sharing with them.

Jesus.

We do a series
on the web.

Okay?
Where our target lives.

High production values,
top directors.

Not commercials,
but short films, okay?

Let's show these elves
with some real problems.

Real issues.
Real chocolate.

J.J.'s girlfriend dumps him

or Fast Eddie
gets a bad report card.

Real issues
with real people,

because they are real,

just like our fudge.

They would
totally own "real."

Man:
You know who would be
great for this spot?

Lance Acord.

He directed
that great VW spot.

I was thinking Noam Murro.

What about the guy that did
the Willy Wonka films?

He did all that great
Oompa Loompa work.

No, no, a documentarian.
For real.

Ken Burns.

Michael Moore
could be good.

Maya:
Not Michael Moore.

We have to stay
approachable.

Keebler's core attributes
are real and approachable.

Oh.

Yes. Rob Reiner.

Rob Reiner?

Have you seen
"Wolf of the Wall Street"?

He's totally hot
right now.

- Uh-huh.
- He's not a documentarian.

"Spinal Tap."
Best documentary ever.

- "Hello, Cleveland!"
- ( phone buzzing )

That's not
a real documentary.

So?

So, what, you want to use
a fake documentarian

to make a real film
about fake elves

to make them seem real?

"This one goes to 11."

( laughter )

- Hey.
- Lee: How's your day?

Shitty.
Elves are fake.

I'm in a Coke meeting
all afternoon

and my sofa's missing.

You?

Ma sent Jules a present.

Where is it?

On our dining room table.

Oh, Christ, Lee.

Why the fuck
did you bring it home
in the first place?

Because I'm pathetic.

Guy at the post office
said I could bring it
back tomorrow, so...

Take it back now, Lee.

That's not a present
for Julius.

It's a "fuck you" to you.

It's just sitting there,
staring at me.

I haven't done any work.
Not one fucking minute.

Which is precisely
what your mother wanted.

Take it back now, Lee.

Okay. Shit, I've gotta go.
I'll call you later.

Coke meeting at 1:00
in Chayefsky.

- On 22?
- 24.

- Writers are on 22.
- I thought he was a director.

- Why?
- Because he's on 24.

Okay, Lorna,
where the fuck
is the meeting?

It's next to Lee.

Harper.

( scoffs )
Spike.

For fuck's sake.

What is it, Ma?

What'd you get him,
a fuckin' Torah?

From your mouth
to God's ears.

Don't you see
the irony here?

All those years you told me
I was a bad mother,

and here you are sending
your son's present back.

Oh, so I'm the bad mother?

I never sent
your presents back.

Ma, I told you
that I needed some space.

I told you that
I would reach out
to you when I was ready.

Why can you not honor that?

Because I love you.

Oh, please, Ma!

Yeah, you love me.
You just don't... like me.

- I'm your mother, Lee.
- Oh, we're not having
this discussion.

Oh, sure, sure.
Walk away.

God forbid I should
violate your bubble.

We all have tsuris,
zeindeleh,

not just you
and your sheigetz husband!

Shut up!

So that's Gottfrid's
big idea?

To make the elves real?

Yeah,
he's creative director.

He gets to make
those kinds of decisions.

Maybe if you'd play
the game the way I tell--

Who the fuck
wants to eat cookies

made by real elves

living in a real
fucking tree?

Why are they living
in a tree, Jon?

Are they homeless?

- Where do they shit?
- "Where do they shit"?

Do they have toilets?

I'm asking because
they're real now,

so I want to know
as a Keebler consumer

am I eating cookies
made in a tree

by homeless
little people

who are shitting
all over the floor?

Keebler is not
the goddamn issue, Thom.

Your couch
is the goddamn issue.

Why do you keep talking
about my fucking couch?

- I'm trying to save your job.
- I'm talking about my job.

You're talking about
my goddamn couch.

Thom, you live
in the creative world.

I live
in the corporate world.

And in my world,
a cup isn't a cup,
a couch isn't a couch,

a corner office
isn't a corner office.

It's a cock, Thom.

And everyone
wants the big one.

You know how many men
have a 10-inch penis?

- In this room?
- One in 19,000.

Why do you know this?

Now imagine if every man

could just
steal an inch or two
from another man.

You know,
walking down the street,

or on a bus,
or in a workplace.

Just, bam, now I got
two more inches.

Everyone would be looking
to steal penis inches
from everyone else,

and everyone
would be terrified

that someone
was stealing from them.

That is corporate
America, Thom.

Except the penis
is a coffee cup

or a stapler or a couch
or a corner office.

Your couch
is a corporate-American
memento mori.

So get your head
out of Ernie Keebler's ass

and go find out
who stole your dick.

Bella:
I don't think you should
be sending it back.

- Lee: And why not?
- Because it's not yours.
It's Jules'.

Well, it's not Jules'
until I give it to him.

It's Jules' when
she gets it for him.

Don't you see
what's happening here, Lee?

Because she was
a shitty mother to you,

you're doing something
shitty to Jules.

And that's the hardest part
of being a healthy adult--

is how to protect ourselves
from our lousy parents

without hurting
our children.

Have you noticed
all the fucking grandparents
at school lately?

I mean, what the fuck
is going on?

Drop-offs, pick-ups.

It's weird, right?

Free transportation.
It's not genuine love.

- Don't worry.
- Oh, good.

Ugh.

Oh, you're right.
You're right.

You know who can
go fuck herself?

- Who?
- Dora.

- Dora who?
- The "Explora."

- ( laughs )
- She won't stop with this
Abuela/grandmother shit.

Every episode lately.

It's like, "Do you even
have a fucking mother?"

She's with her grandmother
every fucking day.

Never see her mother.

It's all those
fucking shows, though.

Max and Ruby,
no parents.

The fucking Muppets
don't even have parents.

No parents?
I'd like to be a Muppet.

Right? No periods.
Weight never changes.

Right? And some guy's
got his finger stuck up
your ass all day.

( both laugh )

- Maya: Happiness...
- ( button clicking )

...we all want it.

We all pursue it.

But Coca-Cola owns it.

Coca-Cola has owned happiness
for the past 100 years.

Here I was wasting
my money on Xanax,

and all I needed
was a soda.

- ( laughter )
- Man: Unbelievable.

I hated Xanax.

- I switched to Prozac.
- Prozac made me sleepy.

Lexapro's the bomb, yo.

- I hated Lexapro.
- Maya: Happy pills aside,

today Coca-Cola
has a problem.

There's no joy
in Cokeville,

for mighty America
has struck out.

So this is it?

This is how you're
gonna keep your job,

by dressing
like a teenager?

Oh, fuck you, Thom.
Nice haircut.

How many new clothes
have you bought

since the Swedish invasion?

Nice kicks, by the way,
Jesse Owens.

Didn't figure you
for a runner.

So here's the problem.

War.

Unemployment.

Disillusionment.

I bought these clothes
because of my depression,

if you must know.

Yeah, well,
I bought the push-up bra
because of anxiety.

Well, you look ridiculous.

Please.
You are one Jack Spade
messenger bag away

from full-on
creative-class douchebag.

Maya:
The economy's
in the toilet.

I mean, the country,
it's coming apart at the seams.

And this Internet age,
same as it ever was--

a handful of trillionaires

and billions of poor suckers
who made them that way.

Low expectations,
high unemployment,

they all add up
to the real problem for Coke.

Happiness.
It tests poorly.

So how do we sell happiness

in the age
of disillusionment?

Wow.

This is great.
Great stuff, Maya.

That's really good.

Team, this is the biggest
pitch of the year.

This is the biggest pitch
of the last five years.

And she's right.

That is the $3 billion

annual advertising
budget question.

How do we sell an ice-cold
can of happiness

in a winter of discontent?

Thom, any answers?

- Oh, uh, I'm more
of a misery guy.
- ( laughter )

I'll handle
the Prozac pitch.

Hola! I am Lee,
the ungrateful daughter.

This is my
Yiddishe mama.

Mama is very sad today.

She was sad
yesterday, too.

Mama is sad every day.

Mama says,
"Shver tzu zein a Yid."

That's Yiddish!

It means,
"It's very hard
to be a Jew."

( crying )

Can you say,
"Shver tzu zein a Yid"?

Shver tzu zein a Yid.

Great!

This is Pants.

Pants feels bad because
his pants cost mama
100 dolares.

Mama says dolares
do not grow on trees.

Uh-oh,
we better get Knapsack.

We're going
on a guilt trip!

( crying )

Don't cry,
Yiddishe Mama.

Will you help me and Pants
bring this present to Julius?

Great!

First we have to get
through the Holocaust.

Can you say Holocaust?

Ugh!

Great!

Oh, I always knew
you had talent.

( sighs )

Excuse me?

I told your father,
"She has real talent."

You did?

Oh, I was
so proud of you.

I wanted to be an artist
when I was younger,
you know that?

You wanted to be
an artist?

I never tried, though.

Ma.

Why not?

Well, I was too busy.

You know, or maybe
I was just afraid.

But you-- you I could see
had real ability.

( sighs )

How come you never
told me that?

Why would
I tell you that?

Because you were
my mother, Ma.

But how would that
help you?

I mean, you had
some talent.

Not enough.
I should lie to you?

I mean, a parent's job
is to be honest with
their children.

You had some talent,
but you were never gonna
be Marc Chagall.

I knew that.
We all knew that.

So I should encourage you
to do something you'll fail at?

- Ugh.
- You kids think being a liar
makes you a good parent.

And the truth hurts,
but it's the truth.

It's my job to tell you.

And I'll tell you something
about that husband
of yours, too.

- Mm.
- When the next Holocaust
comes around,

you think
he's gonna save you?

Ha! Let me tell you
something, bubbeleh.

Just because
you married a goy

doesn't mean they're not
gonna throw you and Julius
into the gas chambers.

Bitch!

( both scream )

Ah!

( groans )

You see how
she treats her mother?

My advice as a lawyer--

- send it back now.
- Why?

You don't want her
to have any claim

to a relationship
with Julius.

Mm-mm.

I mean,
if you guys die

or they decide
they want visitations,

they'll have to prove
a relationship.

- ( sighs )
- Honey, it's not even 6:00.

You know what
really bothers me?

Jonathan was right.

It's not just a sofa.
It's not just a box.

These are ghosts.
We're besieged by ghosts.

Your mother lives
a thousand miles away,

and yet she can stop you
from painting.

Fake elves grow old
in a make-believe tree.

And here,
in the middle
of the woods,

in the middle of fucking
Woodstock, New York,

I'm in the shithouse
with my client.

We're haunted
by ghosts and witches.

Double, double,
toil and trouble.

Just like that,
you fuck with our bubble.

* Mother is called madre *

- * Papa is your dad...
- Hey, big J.

- Hey, dude.
You ready to go?
- Yeah.

We're taking Julesy
out to dinner.

- * Mother is called madre *
- ( Lee groaning )

* Papa is your dad...

So are you worried
that he's so into Dora?

I'm not worried
that Jules is into Dora, no.

I'm worried that
the rest of the world

is worried that Julius
is into Dora.

It's not Julius
I got the problem with.

It's the rest of mankind.

'Cause I'd totally fuck Dora.

( laughs )

Wait, Dora, honey,

there's something I want
to explore with you.

It's a joke.

Lee:
You want to keep it,
you can.

If you want to send it back,
we can do that, too.

Thom:
Your call, buddy.

You want to keep it?

Julius:
Why did she send it?

Lee:
I don't know.

Julius:
Did I ever meet her?

When you were a baby.

I think maybe
she's getting old now

and she just wants
to get to know you better.

How come she doesn't
ever come over?

Well, you know,
we didn't get along
so much.

How come?

My mother didn't really
love me very much.

Mm?

Some mothers
are like that.

And some fathers,
too, yeah.

- Hey, but not yours.
- ( laughing )

So what do you think,
buddy?

Do you want to keep it?

Well, I do like presents.

Oh, everybody
likes presents.

It could be Dora's
Magical Castle Playhouse.

Yeah, it could be.
It could be.

Could be a Torah.

A thousand yarmulkes.

- If we send it back...
- Lee: Mm-hmm.

...can we go to the store

and get Dora's Magical
Castle Playhouse?

Sure, buddy.

Muchos gracias!

- ( laughing )
- Hey, nice, dude.

- * Your mother
is called madre... *
- No, please don't.

- Both: * Papa is your dad...
- No! No!

* Your papa
always loves you *

- Stop it.
- * Even when you're bad.

Excuse me.
We'll take the check
now please.

- * Your mother
is called madre... *
- Lee: No, please!

* Papa is your dad

* Your papa
always loves you *

* Even when you're bad.

- No? Sorry. Okay.
- ( laughs )

Maya:
We think
this is a big idea

and we know reality
tests well with millenials.

We've been struggling
with the perceptions

of the elves as old
and out of touch.

Debbie:
We know this is
a new idea for you,

but we think stepping back
from animation could help.

Gives the brand new life.

It'll really
move the needle.

Maya:
We have a unique window
of opportunity here.

Let's humanize this brand--

Cookies, milk,
mother, home.

It's more than a cookie.
It's a philosophy.

Debbie:
We need to think
outside the cookie box.

At the end of the day,

all we're really changing
is the approach.

Your core values
never change.

We think it's a big idea.

Not a one-year idea,
but a 10-year idea.

It has, uh, legs,
as they say.

- Well, it's definitely new.
- ( whispering )

Woman:
I'm just not sure
what Kevin is gonna think.

I think I'd like to get it
in front of some focus groups.

Thom,
what do you think?

Yeah, you're creative
director on this.

Um, if you're happy,
I'm happy.

I think we're happy.

- We're happy.
- Great. We are, too.

Good work, Gustaff.

It's Gottfrid.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

( women gasp )

- Debbie: Thom,
are you okay?
- Yes.

Well,
that's gonna stain.

Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, just--
you can keep it.

Lee's voice:
You know, I used to think
my mother didn't like Thom

because he wasn't Jewish.

And then I realized
that she hated him

because he made me happy.

It was the happiness
that really bugged her.

In a Jewish wedding,

you smash a glass
to remind you

of the destruction
of the ancient Holy Temple,

to remind you, basically,
that shit happens.

The rabbis, see,
they didn't even want you

to have a single day,

not even your
fucking wedding day,

that didn't have
some misery in it,

some shit.

So I decided
not to do it.

Not to break the glass.

Mother went crazy.

"Why?" she cried.
"Why?"

"Because," I said.

"Because you don't fuck
with my fucking bubble."

( glass breaks )

( exhales )

Wait!

( sighs )

Yeah. Yeah. Uh.

Feels good, doesn't it?

I think I just came.

( laughs )

( glass breaks )

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're
happy and you know it,
then motherfucking show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it, clap your
motherfucking hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands! *